Tuca & Bertie (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Yeast Week - full transcript

♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca ♪ - ♪ And Bertie ♪

Hey!

I'm getting the hang of this.

Ooh! I can't believe I'm gonna get paid
to get horny folks off... virtually.

Watch out, Internet.

Tuca is online,
courtesy of Bertie's Wi-Fi password!

All right, let's get into it.



Hi, I'm Connie, your friendly
virtual "Reali-Tease" online assistant.

It looks like you're engaging
in your first transaction.

Would you like some judgment-free help?

Shut up, computer.
Don't tell me how to doink!

I'm only doing this because I refuse
to live off my auntie anymore.

Hey.

- Hello, DirtyGoat. Wanna play?
- Heck, yeah.

Jerk it!

All right! My first customer!

Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

Jerk! Jerk! Grind! Grind!

Jerk! Jerk!

Ow! My side.

Ow!



That sounds pretty bad.
Maybe you should go see a doctor?

Good idea.

Paging Dr. Garlic!

Hey, don't stop!
I'm not finished!

Jerk.

Ultra climax!

Thank you!

Yeah... Ow.

Yeah!

That was beautiful.

I was late on the dismount. It's trash!

This has to be perfect for Yeast Week.

♪ Yeast Week! ♪

The most elite convergence
of baking's boldest and brightest!

We're introducing crünts to the world!

Aren't crunts already world-famous?

No, that was crunts,
a combo of crullers and Bundt cake.

These are crünts.

It's croissants and Bundt cake.

Oh, I get it.

Hey!

Caw!

Nice. A talking hole!

Now we don't have to use our phones.

Way more useful than the other holes
I've put in this building.

Possible title ideas
for my inevitable memoir.

Title one:

How to Rise, Rise, Ascend,
and Never Fall:

The Dapper Dog Story.

Oh, dear. I'm standing on the ceiling.

I was just practicing
the quadruple cabriole de crünt.

Pastry Pete wants me to perform it
for a demo at Yeast Week!

In public!

In front of a huge audience!

Live and on an Internet stream!

Oh, yeah.

Yeast Week!

Remember when we tried
to sneak in last year?

You thought it was
a completely different kind of event.

Ah! Yes, your felony.

Well, I need to permanently borrow
the following items:

Garlic, garlic, dish soap, garlic,
and a bag for the garlic.

Tuca, are you making your own medicine
from that Dr. Garlic book again?

Ow-trageous!

That is an outrageous accusation.

Ow!

It's just a mild cramp. Check it out.

That looks serious!
Maybe you should go see a doctor.

Hmm, let me see.

Yep. As usual, Bertie is right.

That is gross, and I am out of here.

Oh, God!

Tuca, I'm worried about you.

- I know you're afraid of doctors...
- Unless they're made out of garlic, yes.

But I can take you to see one today,
a real one.

Not necessary.

Please think about it?

I'm busy this whole weekend
with Yeast Week.

♪ Yeast Week! ♪

But I'm free this afternoon.

I don't need some government-approved,
cut-them-up, ship-them-out,

Western and most parts
of the East medicine!

See? All fixed.

Bertie! Bertie! The garlic made me better!

Just like it does with bread!

That's nice, Tuca.

Ugh!

Bertie! Bertie!
How many teaspoons are in an ounce?

Ooh! Never mind,
I'll just drink the whole bottle.

Come on!

Bertie, how many Band-Aids
in a doctor's dozen?

Bertie, should I squeeze lemon
into an open wound?

Bertie, do you have enough mustard
to fill a bath tub?

- Bertie! Bertie!
- Eh! What?

I love you.

Aww!

What? How did that even...

I'm feeling great.

My medicine is working,

and now it's time
for some virtual jerking.

I should write greeting cards.

All right, all right, here I am.
Where the boys at?

- Uh...
- Are you shy, you cute little deviant?

No. Well, kind of.

I'm just lonely.

My first ever girlfriend dumped me,
and I'm just looking for some company.

Aw! You seem sweet.

Nice name.

It wasn't my first choice,
but Big_Hairy_Stallion68 was taken.

Great, how about we step
into the Seedy Motel

so I can handle your candle?

Oh, are we cuddling?
Uh, that seems nice.

Ow!

Oh, you want me to be the little spoon?

Okay, don't mind if I do!

Don't put me in soup.
I belong in tea!

It's a spoon size joke.

Hello? Are you okay?

- Bertie! Bertie!
- Tuca, is that you?

Speckle, come here.
She can hear us through the hole.

- What's going on?
- I'm so frustrated.

She's been at this all day. She's just...

so needy.

Damn, vent!
Why you got to do me like this?

Let me check up on her real quick.

Tuca, is everything okay?

Yeah. Just wanted to say...

good night.

Good night, Tuca.

Are you there? Hello? Hello?

Help.

Hello!

Do you need help
with your virtual sex transaction?

Hello?

Ooh!

♪ I finally made it to Yeast Week ♪

♪ I've got the whole world
By the tip of my beak ♪

♪ It's like a dream
But I've been awakened ♪

♪ At this venue exclusive for baking ♪

Bertie, please, only first-timers
sing by the fountain.

- ♪ La la la la... ♪
- ♪ What a treat, my week is so sweet ♪

♪ I'm gonna divorce my husband ♪

Uh, hello?

- Are you alive?
- What?

Hi. I'm Big_Hairy_Stallion69.

Remember? I was the little spoon.

- You asked me for help.
- I did?

Then you yelled your address
and a very complicated pizza order.

- You actually came here to help me?
- Yep.

It was only a seven-hour drive.

Hour one, I was like, "This feels right."

Hour two, I wondered, "Is this weird?"

Hour three, I was all,
"Yep, this is definitely weird."

Hour four, I thought,
"But maybe it's nice for a stranger

to display a kind gesture
in this cruel, cold world."

Hour five, I stopped for gas
and had a snack.

And now, here I am,
seven hours later, still unsure.

It's just nice to know
someone out there cares about me.

We should probably go
to the hospital, right?

Welcome to Yeast Week's nerve center!

Wow!
The world's most famous chefs are here!

That's Chef Steele Laurent,

the first pastry chef
to put salt on a cookie!

That's Chef Winter Garcia,

the first chef to stuff a pickle
into a biscuit!

If you look closely, you can catch
some sexual overtones in her work.

And that's Chef Dante Ferrari!

He's the first chef to steal
all his recipes from his grandma.

And that's his grandma!

Dante, come and give
your grandma some kisses.

Come on, Dante.
I want those kisses.

Give it, give it! Kisses!

Yes, I know all these people,
but I love a good recap.

Is that what I think it is?

Oh, Bertie, how I love seeing my world
through your sweet, innocent eyes!

The grand hall.

This place is legendary
for not allowing flash photography.

Oh! I thought the flash was off!
I thought the flash was off!

Ladies and gentle-birds
and plants, humans,

and sometimes
inanimate objects that talk...

What a weird world!

I give you the donut dive!

And ta-da! Here you go!

This is where we shall introduce
the baking world to my new crünt.

Whoa.

All you have to do, Bertie,
is better than that.

Tuca? Hello?

Uh, Bertie asked me
to check up on you, so...

Hey, that's my mug.

And that's my laptop.

Hmm.

Ooh, fun! Looks like some kind
of open-world video game.

Oh, come suck me off, you nasty bird!

Must be some kind of villain.

- Jerk!
- This must be how I punch?

Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

Yeah, that's right, computer.
He is a jerk!

- Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
- Take that and that!

Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

JO.

Yes!

Huh.

Excuse me,
while I wait for my terrified friend,

do you have any Ethernet cables
I could use to start a LAN party?

Just a second, sir.

Let me see what I can find.

Hello, I'm Dr. Sherman.
I'm here to examine...

Are you gonna cut me up
and sew my booty hole

to someone else's booty hole?

Tell me! Tell me, woman!

Caawaaa!

Oh, you're nervous.

Hi, I'm Ultra-Sam,
the ultrasound machine.

I've been programmed to comfort you.

We tried to teach doctors empathy,
but it didn't take.

Don't worry.
Everything's going to be okay.

That's what Bertie would have said.
She's programmed to comfort me.

Or at least she was.

Now all she talks about is Irish butter.

"The cultured cream
enhances the flavor notes, Tuca."

Good news! The doctor is almost done
looking inside you.

Nothing to worry about.

She's just going to confer
with some colleagues and check...

Okay, let's cut the shit.
I need you to plug in my wife.

She's right over there.

- She's a lamp?
- She's so much more!

You're not seeing her
in the best... light.

- Oh, how she would have laughed at that.
- Aw!

Cherish those you love, Tuca.

You never know when they may become
disconnected from your life.

Please, plug her in before...

They're back.

Fuck! Fuck! Be cool! Be cool!

So, if that weird bulge
turns out to be cancer,

hey, sometimes life gives you cancer
and you make can-sirloin steak...

Ugh. Okay, we need to get some X-rays.

Are you gonna be a big girl,
or do you need the robot?

You're all familiar with
my Tasty Num Nums Award-winning invention,

a delicate marriage between crullers
and Bundt cake, the crunt.

Today, I bring you something new:

The crünt.

Croissants, Bundt cakes,

historically, they've been
natural enemies.

Some have asked, why bring them together?

I ask, why not?

Because it's dangerous.

I have perfected this process,
and in the interest of science,

will be generously sharing
my methodology with you all!

Here to perform it, my lovely assistant
Roberta Songthrush!

Hi.

But first,
to display my lovely ingredients,

my even lovelier drones!

Oh.

The perfect egg is crucial,

for the yolk and white
must be yin and yang,

in rhapsodic symmetry with...

Okay, Bertie, you're not nervous.

You're not nervous!

Eh! Hands, why must you betray me?

After all the times I lotioned you!

Many have tried and failed
the following technique.

I went to all their funerals.

Closed caskets. Every one.

The quadruple cabriole de crünt!

Okay, let me put this
as sensitively as I can.

You have an egg up in your cooch,

and you'd be a moron not to cut
that shit out of your lady pipes.

Hmm. Okay. Thank you so much
for the information.

I will be opting out of surgery.

- Ow!
- Listen, lady,

it's twisted up in your ovaries real good.

And if you don't remove it,
it will rupture, and you will die.

But don't worry.
We've got the best doctors.

That's just like your mama
not to wear a seat belt.

Auntie, is my mom gonna be okay?

Don't you worry, sweetie.

They got the best doctors.

To the crünt!

May it become the newest food fad
that everyone loves

to the point
that people begin to resent it

as it comes to symbolize
the frivolity of the idle rich!

Cheers.

Cheers.

Ooh! What a rush!

I guess now I'll go back to the hotel
and fill a bucket with ice.

I was thinking
of inviting a certain someone

to a certain exclusive
dinner gathering for chefs.

The Bread Bowl!

I've heard of that!

Welcome! Your seat is waiting!

The world's baking elite
dine on the finest foods,

talk pastry, complain about lesser bakers,

and then, when the last drop
of wine is drunk...

- they eat the table!
- Yes!

- Whoo!
- A fine recap of things I already know.

Who are you going to invite?

You dear, delicate, little fool.

It's you.

Ah! Holy fucking shit,
the freaking Bread Bowl?

Are you shitting serious?

Yes, I am shitting serious.

Well, are you coming?

- Uh, just a minute.
- Ugh.

Speckle, I did so well at the presentation
and everyone said...

Bertie, Tuca is in the hospital.

Wait, what happened?
Are you with her?

No. Uh, not exactly.

Then how did you find out?

Uh...

Hey, boys!
Look at me shake my thing!

Tuca? Are you still in the hospital?
'Cause I'm in the waiting room.

What?

Uh...

- Word of mouth?
- Oh, my God!

Is she okay?

I dunno. She's about to go into surgery.
You need to come right away.

Pastry Pete, thank you so much,
but I have a kind of family emergency.

I have to go.

Well, this is a one-time ticket,
but do what you must.

You're an adult bird woman.

I can't force you to make
the right decision for your career.

♪ I feel like a shrimp being shucked ♪

♪ Feels like I ate a monster truck ♪

♪ Oh, piece by piece
And now I'm fucked ♪

♪ I'm driving through the poison muck ♪

♪ Inside myself and getting stuck ♪

♪ I'm tearing it up
I'm shit outta luck ♪

♪ I can't stand this loss of control ♪

♪ I feel so scared and vulnerable ♪

♪ It hurts too much to face this fear now
Without a friend ♪

♪ Just wait, don't start yet ♪

♪ I'm not ready ♪

♪ Is this the end? ♪

But we've been dating
since high school.

- I just wish I knew what I did wrong.
- Mm-hmm.

Normally, I'd never say this
about a woman,

but your ex-girlfriend
sounds like a big meanie.

Maybe you didn't break up
so much as grow up.

Whoa!

I got here as fast as I could.

What's going on? Can I see her?

She's still in surgery.
The doctors say all we can do is wait.

I told her to stop drinking.
I told her it was too much.

We have to pump her stomach.

- What can I do?
- All you can do is wait.

Tuca, I'm so glad you're okay.

What? I'm always okay.

I's fine. I's Tuca.

I'll miss you, Speckle.

I'll miss you, too, Big_Hairy_Stallion69.

You can call me Joel.

No.

I never will.

I love you, baby.
Let's get out of here!

Here you go. Come on. You're all right.

Ew.

Bertie, are you cleaning up?

Yeah, just a bit.

- You don't need to do that.
- Mm, it's okay.

If I don't do it, who will?

Are you mad at me?

No, it's just... look at this place.

Is this how you live without me?

Oh, I see what this is about.
You don't think I can take care of myself.

- What?
- I know you think I'm needy.

That's right!
I heard it all through the talking vents!

Tuca,
what do you want me to say?

You are needy.
You always need me.

You always get to be
the fun, carefree party-animal.

But I have to be the worry-wart.

But when you're not around, guess what.

I am fun! I am brave!

- What are you even talking about?
- I performed the crünt demo perfectly.

Everyone loved me.

Pastry Pete invited me
to an exclusive dinner,

and he winked at me!

Are you listening to yourself?
Bertie, you have a boyfriend!

What are you even trying to do?

Who even are you?

Why does Pastry Pete's new pastry
have the same name as the old one?

Why didn't he call it the boint?

I didn't ask you to be here.
I can take care of myself!

I had a weird acquaintance
take me to the hospital.

I asked to take you
to the hospital several times.

Even back in college,
you didn't listen to me

and ended up in the emergency room!

That was different.
I don't even drink anymore.

Tuca, I know
you just went through surgery,

so I'm gonna let you rest.

But let me just say one more thing.

Let's not forget the time
your cut-off jorts

totally ruined my summer vacation!

So, we're bringing that up?
Because I can bring up things, too.

Like when you got us kicked out
of Anita's wedding

because you insisted the buffet
was all-you-can-eat!

Tuca, that was you!

Oh, yeah, it was.

And this is my ChapStick!
I bought this ChapStick!

Who even buys ChapStick?

Where do you think ChapStick comes from?
It doesn't just magically appear!

You're just not looking hard enough!

Spencer didn't even deserve you.

He was just a stupid frat boy pelican.

Thank you for saying that.

And you'll never be happy
in a relationship

because no one
is ever good enough for you!

Why would you say that?

Why do you think you're better than me?
I helped with your promotion!

You can't even leave the house without me
because you're such a little wuss!

I always drop everything to help you!

I pray for the day you can't
just drop everything to help me

because you actually have a job!

Look how mean you made me be!

What now?

I don't know. This is all so hard.

Things used to be so much fun.

But right now, our friendship
just feels like so much... work.

That's how you think of me? As work?

No, it's...

Maybe we're just growing apart.

Maybe we need a break.

♪ Maybe we need ♪

♪ Maybe we ♪

♪ Maybe we need a break ♪

♪ Maybe we need a Maybe we ♪

♪ Maybe we need a break ♪

♪ Maybe we need ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ We need a ♪

Hey, it's me, Chef Dant... Uh...

Just a guy!
And I'm ready to have fun.

Oh, who are you? Mmm!

Oh, is that you? My Chef Dante?

My sweet baby!

Come here and give your grandma
some kisses.

Give me those kisses.
I want them.

I got to have them!
I got to have those kisses.

And I love those kisses!
Give it, give it, give it, give it.

Kisses!

Boxer versus raptor,
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!