Tuca & Bertie (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Open House - full transcript
Bertie and Speckle consider buying a house, a big commitment that throws Bertie into a tailspin. Tuca brings home a forever friend.
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca ♪ - ♪ And Bertie ♪
Tuca, can you stop kicking my seat?
Fine, but it's your fault
for giving me gum.
Aw.
So, why are we going to open houses today?
Because it's fun to lookie-loo
and pretend we're rich.
Plus, your aunt's house
got Speckle all horned up.
I get to nerd out about architecture
while Bertie fantasizes about
all the other lives we could be living.
It's fun to daydream,
and then go home and binge on
interior design shows until I feel sick.
Well, this is what I get
for blindly following you out to the car.
Can you drop me off at the arcade?
Aw, just come with us.
It'll be fun.
Plus, sometimes open houses
have free cookies.
Damn it! Once again,
the siren call of delicious freebies
has driven me headfirst
into the jagged cliffs of boring bullshit.
Oh! This place is so nice and clean.
You guys wanna take bets
on how soon I get kicked out of here?
Actually, realtors are shockingly tolerant
of shenanigans.
Yeah, they don't really care what you do.
They just wanna make a sale.
Capitalists!
- Like me!
- Check this out.
Welcome. My name's Evelyn, and...
Good day! We are Beauregard
and Blenda Bartholomew.
Of the Bird Town Bartholomews.
We're so rich, it's sick.
My favorite kind of rich.
And this is our au pair Beakles.
What up? I'm Beakles.
I'm, uh, taking a gap year
from Foreign University.
Because I vinted to learn English.
Be so kind as to beguile us
with this bungalow's bewitching baths,
brilliant boudoirs...
And blissful bidets
for our blessed booty holes.
But of course.
Your b-holes will adore
this Tuscan marble.
So, let's get into it.
What's a girl got to do
to get some free cookies?
I smell 'em.
Actually, it's a little realtor secret.
Mm-mmm. No, you shouldn't!
- Oh. Mmm.
- Disgusting!
- Oh.
- Ugh! Terrible!
Beakles, no!
Um, uh, could I have that spray back?
Nope.
♪ Lately, I been out my mind ♪
♪ But I'm fine ♪
♪ In time, I'll be rap genius
They'll see me as young Einstein ♪
♪ I'll grind till I get signed
Name on the dotted line ♪
Whoa!
We're looking for buried treasure.
It increases property value.
Great.
Notice how easily the ground turns over
for digging, or gardening,
or, in my case, an early grave.
♪ I just drop regret it
Now my credit started going up ♪
♪ I'm just showing' out by showin' up ♪
Ka-kaw!
Just measuring the scream space.
Looking good.
Yes, these cabinets
have 65 percent scream retention.
Hello. I'm a rich, sexy astronaut,
and I have 35 percent down
in my space-bag.
Why should I buy this house? Go.
Um, school district, uh, backsplash,
breakfast nook, moon roof, spa tub,
uh, farmhouse sinks with Wi-Fi.
Hello, space?
Looks like I'm needed elsewhere.
Whoo! I'm so bad!
♪ Everywhere we go, I'll bring the city
Something it ain't never had before ♪
What kind of molding
would you say this is?
It's milled wood, I believe.
Milled wood?
In this climate?
Jeff, wow, uh...
that's a good one.
Uh, but spoiler alert, I'm an architect.
Milled wood!
Might as well be mildew wood.
As you can see,
this home has tremendous copper pipes.
That was my toilet purse.
Happens all the time.
This is my actual purse.
No!
So, this is a low-flow toilet
with a beautiful, leathery smell.
I used to sleep here with my wife.
Okay, I'll unpack that later.
- Huh.
- It's so cute!
- Great curb appeal.
- Yeah, not bad.
Oh, we're playing boring people now?
"Hi, nice door."
- Ooh, it is a nice door!
- What?
Hmm.
Love these maple floors.
The vaulted ceilings!
Perfect for a lobby trampoline
or foyer catapult.
This could be the master bedroom.
This room could be a shared office.
I could learn to enjoy sharing.
This can be my craft room
where I'll make dolls by hand.
Speckle will say they're creepy,
but we'll ignore him.
Then, late one night, they'll come to life
and take their revenge!
And this is where they'll find our bodies.
Hey, where'd y'all go?
Uh, maybe this sounds nuts,
but this place is actually perfect for us.
I was kinda thinking
the same thing.
Huh.
- This place is perfect for us.
- I was thinking the same thing.
Huh.
- This place is perfect for us.
- I was thinking the same thing.
Huh.
I just hope they let me have a sleepover
in the third bedroom.
Me, too.
Borkle and Squeaky
are my only friends.
Ew!
What if we made an offer?
Is that crazy?
I mean, I love it. Why not?
Wait. What?
Oh, good one, guys.
You'd really have to have
your shit together to buy a house.
Well, Bertie and I have been
saving for a while.
What? I thought we were all poor together.
Wasn't that the plan?
We don't talk about money,
but we all assume we're in the same place.
Um, we both have jobs.
You make enough money at your law firm
to buy a house?
- Tuca, I'm not a law...
- But what about the apartment?
I mean, we were never going
to live there forever.
We always knew at some point
we'd grow up and move out.
Well, I need to leave immediately.
Not because I'm upset,
but because I also have my shit together.
In fact, I've been ignoring my shit
all day, goofing off with you two.
I really should get back to my shit
because, as adults know,
shit must be kept.
Good day!
Come on, third wheels. Let's go.
Uh, we kind of have a thing here.
- Tuca...
- Hey, Bertie!
Come look at this pantry.
It's got a Lazy Susan and a Lively Linda.
Ooh! What kind of paradise is this?
Ew!
Mm-mmm.
Ugh!
Oh!
What? Where am I?
You're in the hood.
The adulthood.
Ah!
Hello!
Are you here for our "buy 40,
get one free" goldfish sale?
Nah.
How about our "buy one, get 40 free"
goldfish sale?
Not today, dude.
We have a lot of goldfish!
I'm actually here to make
a high-commitment purchase.
A "forever friend."
Oh. Fuck, yeah!
Let me show you
our longer-lifespan animals.
No.
No!
Maybe.
Yes!
Once your loan is approved, you'll be
one step closer to home ownership.
- Great.
- Thank you.
There are just a few more things
we need to go over.
I assume the two of you are married.
Actually, no.
Maybe someday, but right now, the thought
of planning a wedding is like, bleh!
Someone put me in a corset
and pull it tight until my lungs explode.
I see. The paperwork for you
will be a bit more complicated.
- Aah!
- Wow.
Your co-ownership agreement
should answer questions like, mm...
"What happens to the property
if, uh, one of you drops dead?"
Dying?
Who's dying?
All of us, from the moment we're born.
Wow. True.
Thirty years? Fixed?
If both of you are killed,
your house will go to your murderer.
And if your murderer gets murdered,
- your house goes to the bank.
- What?
Now let's get into what happens
if neither of you get murdered,
and both of you live together
in this house for a very long time.
Great. Listen,
our credit scores are excellent,
and we have savings for a down payment.
Bertie and I are committed
to this process.
- Right, Bertie?
- Yep.
I like you two.
You're prepared.
A lot of young people get caught up
in the fantasy of buying a house
and aren't prepared to do the work,
financially, psychologically,
or sexually.
Good thing that's not us.
All this talk about mortgages,
and 30 years, and early death...
- It's a lot, don't you think?
- No way.
Just because our loan is 30 years
doesn't mean we need
to live in the house for that long.
Oh, okay.
This is just a starter house.
After five to seven years,
we can upgrade to another home
or build our dream home from scratch.
We've got years and years
to explore all the possibilities.
But I hate possibilities.
If a restaurant has too many options,
I end up ordering napkins.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, girl!
♪ Ridin' around town
On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
And right on time.
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
- Eep!
- Okay, Bertie, ready to plate.
These are hot little suckers, aren't they?
Hi, Bertie!
It's me, Speckle.
Uh, is this sanitary?
Open your mouth, Bertie.
Wha...
Health code violation!
- Wow, that was a deep nap you were having.
- Bla...
Hope I didn't bother you.
Uh, I got so excited
about that little house,
I started sketching some ideas for it.
Wanna see? Bertie?
Yeah, house. Cute house.
Check this out.
- Whoo!
- What?
- Wow!
- Check out the backyard.
See, if we remove the bushes here,
and we expand the patio here...
- Eek!
- We can build a deck with a fire pit.
We'll use it once to impress our friends,
and then, it'll be purely ornamental.
- My own garden.
- We'd have so much space here.
One of the benefits
of living farther from the city.
Oh, that's right.
This house is a little farther out.
I'll have to take the train to work.
And probably sit next to a dude
eating the world's smelliest egg salad.
But just think about how you'll be helping
the environment.
Mmm, but the more I think about it,
didn't that kitchen look small to you?
Nah, that's an easy fix.
With all of the renovations
I've planned...
Mmm... I keep thinking about Tuca.
We can't just move out and abandon her.
She needs me.
None of her bills are set up
for automatic payment.
She's welcome to visit anytime.
Look, I made her a sweet tire swing.
Hey!
Huh.
What?
Uh...
No!
Sweetie, could you help me
change my diaper?
Because for some reason,
this is how you picture old age.
Oh! Where did Tuca go?
Oh, you haven't spoken to her
since we signed our mortgage...
five years ago.
I love that you care about Tuca,
but she's resourceful and resilient.
She'll be fine if we move out.
You'd be so cute in a little house.
Ah! I just want
to live with you forever! Aah!
You keep saying "forever,"
when statistically, men die at 70.
What am I supposed to do
until I drop dead at 109,
after finally trying cocaine
for the first time?
Aw. You'd make such a cute, old widow!
Man, I love addressing
all of your concerns.
Boom! Problem solving.
But you're not listening.
Oh! That's the realtor right now.
Exciting!
Hi, uh, Rebecca.
Did they receive our offer?
Uh, how high should we go if they counter?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Hey, I... I got to run to the bakery.
I'll see you later.
Okay, bye, sweetie.
I'll let you know right away
if I hear any news.
As you can see, this jaguar and I
are two adults with our shit together.
And as such, we would like you
to do our money.
Great. Joint checking account it is.
Hmm...
Okay, under "account owner,"
- I see you listed "jaguar."
- That's correct.
And under "occupation"
for said account owner,
- you listed "jaguar."
- That's correct.
Mm-hmm.
And for "jaguar," you listed "jaguar."
Wait, did you cross out "income"
and write in "jaguar"?
That's correct.
- This all seems to check out.
- Thank you. Good day.
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ My motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
And right on time.
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
Oh, no, this shit
looks exactly like my dream!
Okay, Bertie. Calm down.
This is real life.
Nothing sexual is happening.
This dough is too wet.
Got to keep pounding it
until it firms up, and stiffens...
and gets hard.
Great! Now it's sexual!
Bad brain! Bad brain!
Why do I always do this?
Because you're horny.
Shut up, hypothalamus,
you dirty lobe-humper.
Suck my cerebrum!
Figure this out, you two.
Oh, jeez.
He's got the body
of a tenure track professor,
but the arms of an adjunct.
What's going on with you?
You seem, uh, jittery.
Shit. He's onto us. Act normal.
'Sup?
Uh, my boyfriend
and I might be buying a house.
But I don't know.
It's all happening so fast.
Ah. Can't say I recommend it.
Buying a house with my ex-wife
was a disaster.
Yep, too far from the city,
the kitchen was tiny.
And the fire pit? Purely ornamental.
Huh.
Uh, hey, honey.
Uh, I know I said we'd have time,
but another offer has come in
for the house.
We need to move fast
and make a counteroffer.
Ah! This is all too much!
I'm completely normal.
My dreams aren't weird,
and I don't have any fears of commitment.
I'm fine! Completely fine.
I'm doing a normal amount of work
at a reasonable speed.
You know what would be fun
at a reasonable speed?
Don't you dare.
Focus!
I'm the picture of productivity,
a role model for future generations,
a beacon.
Bertie, are you in there?
Your pain au chocolat is vibrating.
Thanks! Oh, I mean, sorry.
You put your phone
inside the dough instead of chocolate.
Typical rookie mistake.
Oh, no!
All these voicemails from Speckle
and one...
from my own phone?
Hi, Bertie. It's me, your phone.
I'm getting really hot.
I'm sorry, phone.
I made a bake mistake.
No problem.
Cooling off now. Bye!
Hey, uh, I realize this is all
happening much faster than we thought.
So, um, call me back
so we can talk about it, okay?
Me again.
Wait. Oh, shit, did I hang up? Ugh!
Hey, uh, sorry.
I... I wasn't sure
if I had hung up properly
or if the voicemail was still recording.
Anyway, Rebecca thinks
we should make an offer now,
but I can't do that without you,
so get back to me.
We're still in the running
for this thing.
Hey, what was the name
of that movie we watched
where the young bird was abducted?
It's driving me crazy
that I can't remember it.
It was called Young Bird Abducted.
Okay. Call me back.
Hey, Bertie. We lost the house.
Hey, uh, please call me.
It's so weird
that you're not answering your phone.
Um, I'm worried about you.
Tuca? I need to talk to you.
So, this is my new pet, Jaggy.
Took me hours to come up with that name.
Tuca, you got a jaguar?
Are you crazy?
That's a huge and dangerous commitment!
You and Speckle are making
a big commitment.
Buying a jaguar is just the Tuca version
of buying a house.
Actually, we aren't buying anything.
- So, you aren't leaving?
- Nope.
I don't know why I thought
we'd be ready to own a house together.
I'm officially the worst
at being in a relationship.
What makes you say that?
I maybe have a weird crush
on Pastry Pete.
I'm a terrible bird!
Oh, girl, you nasty.
Ugh! I had a sex dream
with lots of really beautiful pastries.
And sometimes, I think about him.
But as long as you don't act on them,
weird crushes are cool.
Your brain is a free zone.
Aw, yeah! Imaginary fucking.
Oh, man, really?
I feel so guilty about this.
I got, like, a billion weird crushes
going on at a time.
In my head, I'm married
to three random strangers,
I'm having an affair with six others,
and I'm terrified that the whole thing
is gonna come crashing down on me.
But it doesn't matter
'cause it's all in my head.
No big deal. Nothing's ruined.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Huh.
Aw, shit!
This jaguar is ruining my shit!
Damn it, jaguar!
She's just mad
'cause I spent all of the money
in our joint checking account.
But I needed all those novelty socks.
- Delivery!
- Come on up.
You ordered food during all this?
Hello. I have 16 orders
of meat dumplings and...
My beautiful beak!
Now I'll never be an actor
with humble beginnings!
Now, my face
is just a mush with holes in it!
My mush!
No! My holes!
Ugh! You're right, Bertie.
This pet is too much for me.
- Bertie, are you up there?
- Uh-oh.
- Why? Why?
- Hey, is that a jaguar?
Speckle, watch out!
Jaguar, stop!
Be still.
Also, if you maul that guy any more,
he's gonna die.
Thanks, buddy.
Damn. Good one, Speckle.
Ugh. Hmm...
Hmm! Sweet and sour sauce.
Come now.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
That's cool. You can keep her.
Consider it a neighborly gift.
She just needs 16 orders of meat dumplings
every two hours.
- Sorry about all this, buddy.
- No problem!
Five stars, right?
Eh, four stars.
- You're a little late.
- Aw, shucks.
Speckle, how did you tame that jaguar?
I don't know.
I just didn't want it to hurt you or me.
Mostly me, because I'm mad at you.
I'm so sorry I didn't answer your calls.
That "30-year fixed" stuff
scared the shit out of me.
All you had to do was tell me.
I know. I tried.
But you were like a runaway train
with this house.
How are you so sure
that this is going to work out?
I don't really question it.
I know that I want you now,
and that's enough.
Mm, it's silly, but for me,
sometimes making a big decision
feels like closing a door.
That's okay.
We can slow down
and take it step by step.
Also, I'm gonna look really hot
in 30 years.
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Cookin' some food ♪
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Gonna taste good! ♪
Cookie omelet, anyone?
Speckle, I'm sorry we lost that house.
Eh. There's always more houses.
I just really liked that one.
- Well, what about this place?
- Hmm?
I mean, have you seen this open house yet?
Because this place is a dream!
Look at this somewhat spacious kitchen
with its... state-of-the-art cabinets
that open and close.
Except for this one, because it's jammed.
Mm, that is a great feature.
And think of all the time you'll save
not watching a fireplace
because there isn't a fireplace.
Oh, perfect!
Also, this place comes complete
with one non-standard toucan.
Standard.
Consider me a built-in
entertainment center with no off switch.
Consider me impressed.
And get a load of this powerful toilet.
Ugh. The pipes in this building are trash.
Y'all should think about moving.
Oh, Tuca.
No, no, no!
All of these actors are too handsome!
Well, I don't know
what you're looking for.
I keep telling you
the character's name is Mush Face.
- I need a man with a mushy face.
- I don't know what that means.
Dumpling delivery?
♪ Big bossy
Ja sä valit set sen ♪
♪ Win-win, no loss ♪
♪ Enjoy the moment while it lasts
Like a bubbly-bubble ♪
♪ Let go of tomorrow and the past ♪
♪ Soak in it, own it
Nautti indulge ♪
♪ Savor it, zone it
Päästä let go ♪
♪ Mikä jut tu Mikä blow ♪
♪ You'd have to say it out loud
Before you know ♪
♪ I just wanna keep it real
Hauskaa ♪
♪ Living my life without vaivaa ♪
♪ Reaching up, up, up
For the taivaa ♪
♪ Kohti taivaa
Ei mitään vaivaa ♪
♪ Sure, I got my share of ongelmia ♪
♪ You know as well as I
They are tervetuloa ♪
♪ 'Cause I trip, grab it
Up again and at it ♪
♪ Till I grow like a flower
through the asphalt ♪
♪ Feed the fire in your heart ♪
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
♪ Seize the moment that you want ♪
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
♪ Set in motion what you got ♪
And now,
please welcome to the stage,
guy who stepped on gum!
Boxer versus raptor,
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie
Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca ♪ - ♪ And Bertie ♪
Tuca, can you stop kicking my seat?
Fine, but it's your fault
for giving me gum.
Aw.
So, why are we going to open houses today?
Because it's fun to lookie-loo
and pretend we're rich.
Plus, your aunt's house
got Speckle all horned up.
I get to nerd out about architecture
while Bertie fantasizes about
all the other lives we could be living.
It's fun to daydream,
and then go home and binge on
interior design shows until I feel sick.
Well, this is what I get
for blindly following you out to the car.
Can you drop me off at the arcade?
Aw, just come with us.
It'll be fun.
Plus, sometimes open houses
have free cookies.
Damn it! Once again,
the siren call of delicious freebies
has driven me headfirst
into the jagged cliffs of boring bullshit.
Oh! This place is so nice and clean.
You guys wanna take bets
on how soon I get kicked out of here?
Actually, realtors are shockingly tolerant
of shenanigans.
Yeah, they don't really care what you do.
They just wanna make a sale.
Capitalists!
- Like me!
- Check this out.
Welcome. My name's Evelyn, and...
Good day! We are Beauregard
and Blenda Bartholomew.
Of the Bird Town Bartholomews.
We're so rich, it's sick.
My favorite kind of rich.
And this is our au pair Beakles.
What up? I'm Beakles.
I'm, uh, taking a gap year
from Foreign University.
Because I vinted to learn English.
Be so kind as to beguile us
with this bungalow's bewitching baths,
brilliant boudoirs...
And blissful bidets
for our blessed booty holes.
But of course.
Your b-holes will adore
this Tuscan marble.
So, let's get into it.
What's a girl got to do
to get some free cookies?
I smell 'em.
Actually, it's a little realtor secret.
Mm-mmm. No, you shouldn't!
- Oh. Mmm.
- Disgusting!
- Oh.
- Ugh! Terrible!
Beakles, no!
Um, uh, could I have that spray back?
Nope.
♪ Lately, I been out my mind ♪
♪ But I'm fine ♪
♪ In time, I'll be rap genius
They'll see me as young Einstein ♪
♪ I'll grind till I get signed
Name on the dotted line ♪
Whoa!
We're looking for buried treasure.
It increases property value.
Great.
Notice how easily the ground turns over
for digging, or gardening,
or, in my case, an early grave.
♪ I just drop regret it
Now my credit started going up ♪
♪ I'm just showing' out by showin' up ♪
Ka-kaw!
Just measuring the scream space.
Looking good.
Yes, these cabinets
have 65 percent scream retention.
Hello. I'm a rich, sexy astronaut,
and I have 35 percent down
in my space-bag.
Why should I buy this house? Go.
Um, school district, uh, backsplash,
breakfast nook, moon roof, spa tub,
uh, farmhouse sinks with Wi-Fi.
Hello, space?
Looks like I'm needed elsewhere.
Whoo! I'm so bad!
♪ Everywhere we go, I'll bring the city
Something it ain't never had before ♪
What kind of molding
would you say this is?
It's milled wood, I believe.
Milled wood?
In this climate?
Jeff, wow, uh...
that's a good one.
Uh, but spoiler alert, I'm an architect.
Milled wood!
Might as well be mildew wood.
As you can see,
this home has tremendous copper pipes.
That was my toilet purse.
Happens all the time.
This is my actual purse.
No!
So, this is a low-flow toilet
with a beautiful, leathery smell.
I used to sleep here with my wife.
Okay, I'll unpack that later.
- Huh.
- It's so cute!
- Great curb appeal.
- Yeah, not bad.
Oh, we're playing boring people now?
"Hi, nice door."
- Ooh, it is a nice door!
- What?
Hmm.
Love these maple floors.
The vaulted ceilings!
Perfect for a lobby trampoline
or foyer catapult.
This could be the master bedroom.
This room could be a shared office.
I could learn to enjoy sharing.
This can be my craft room
where I'll make dolls by hand.
Speckle will say they're creepy,
but we'll ignore him.
Then, late one night, they'll come to life
and take their revenge!
And this is where they'll find our bodies.
Hey, where'd y'all go?
Uh, maybe this sounds nuts,
but this place is actually perfect for us.
I was kinda thinking
the same thing.
Huh.
- This place is perfect for us.
- I was thinking the same thing.
Huh.
- This place is perfect for us.
- I was thinking the same thing.
Huh.
I just hope they let me have a sleepover
in the third bedroom.
Me, too.
Borkle and Squeaky
are my only friends.
Ew!
What if we made an offer?
Is that crazy?
I mean, I love it. Why not?
Wait. What?
Oh, good one, guys.
You'd really have to have
your shit together to buy a house.
Well, Bertie and I have been
saving for a while.
What? I thought we were all poor together.
Wasn't that the plan?
We don't talk about money,
but we all assume we're in the same place.
Um, we both have jobs.
You make enough money at your law firm
to buy a house?
- Tuca, I'm not a law...
- But what about the apartment?
I mean, we were never going
to live there forever.
We always knew at some point
we'd grow up and move out.
Well, I need to leave immediately.
Not because I'm upset,
but because I also have my shit together.
In fact, I've been ignoring my shit
all day, goofing off with you two.
I really should get back to my shit
because, as adults know,
shit must be kept.
Good day!
Come on, third wheels. Let's go.
Uh, we kind of have a thing here.
- Tuca...
- Hey, Bertie!
Come look at this pantry.
It's got a Lazy Susan and a Lively Linda.
Ooh! What kind of paradise is this?
Ew!
Mm-mmm.
Ugh!
Oh!
What? Where am I?
You're in the hood.
The adulthood.
Ah!
Hello!
Are you here for our "buy 40,
get one free" goldfish sale?
Nah.
How about our "buy one, get 40 free"
goldfish sale?
Not today, dude.
We have a lot of goldfish!
I'm actually here to make
a high-commitment purchase.
A "forever friend."
Oh. Fuck, yeah!
Let me show you
our longer-lifespan animals.
No.
No!
Maybe.
Yes!
Once your loan is approved, you'll be
one step closer to home ownership.
- Great.
- Thank you.
There are just a few more things
we need to go over.
I assume the two of you are married.
Actually, no.
Maybe someday, but right now, the thought
of planning a wedding is like, bleh!
Someone put me in a corset
and pull it tight until my lungs explode.
I see. The paperwork for you
will be a bit more complicated.
- Aah!
- Wow.
Your co-ownership agreement
should answer questions like, mm...
"What happens to the property
if, uh, one of you drops dead?"
Dying?
Who's dying?
All of us, from the moment we're born.
Wow. True.
Thirty years? Fixed?
If both of you are killed,
your house will go to your murderer.
And if your murderer gets murdered,
- your house goes to the bank.
- What?
Now let's get into what happens
if neither of you get murdered,
and both of you live together
in this house for a very long time.
Great. Listen,
our credit scores are excellent,
and we have savings for a down payment.
Bertie and I are committed
to this process.
- Right, Bertie?
- Yep.
I like you two.
You're prepared.
A lot of young people get caught up
in the fantasy of buying a house
and aren't prepared to do the work,
financially, psychologically,
or sexually.
Good thing that's not us.
All this talk about mortgages,
and 30 years, and early death...
- It's a lot, don't you think?
- No way.
Just because our loan is 30 years
doesn't mean we need
to live in the house for that long.
Oh, okay.
This is just a starter house.
After five to seven years,
we can upgrade to another home
or build our dream home from scratch.
We've got years and years
to explore all the possibilities.
But I hate possibilities.
If a restaurant has too many options,
I end up ordering napkins.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, girl!
♪ Ridin' around town
On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ On my motherfucking jaguar ♪
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
And right on time.
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
- Eep!
- Okay, Bertie, ready to plate.
These are hot little suckers, aren't they?
Hi, Bertie!
It's me, Speckle.
Uh, is this sanitary?
Open your mouth, Bertie.
Wha...
Health code violation!
- Wow, that was a deep nap you were having.
- Bla...
Hope I didn't bother you.
Uh, I got so excited
about that little house,
I started sketching some ideas for it.
Wanna see? Bertie?
Yeah, house. Cute house.
Check this out.
- Whoo!
- What?
- Wow!
- Check out the backyard.
See, if we remove the bushes here,
and we expand the patio here...
- Eek!
- We can build a deck with a fire pit.
We'll use it once to impress our friends,
and then, it'll be purely ornamental.
- My own garden.
- We'd have so much space here.
One of the benefits
of living farther from the city.
Oh, that's right.
This house is a little farther out.
I'll have to take the train to work.
And probably sit next to a dude
eating the world's smelliest egg salad.
But just think about how you'll be helping
the environment.
Mmm, but the more I think about it,
didn't that kitchen look small to you?
Nah, that's an easy fix.
With all of the renovations
I've planned...
Mmm... I keep thinking about Tuca.
We can't just move out and abandon her.
She needs me.
None of her bills are set up
for automatic payment.
She's welcome to visit anytime.
Look, I made her a sweet tire swing.
Hey!
Huh.
What?
Uh...
No!
Sweetie, could you help me
change my diaper?
Because for some reason,
this is how you picture old age.
Oh! Where did Tuca go?
Oh, you haven't spoken to her
since we signed our mortgage...
five years ago.
I love that you care about Tuca,
but she's resourceful and resilient.
She'll be fine if we move out.
You'd be so cute in a little house.
Ah! I just want
to live with you forever! Aah!
You keep saying "forever,"
when statistically, men die at 70.
What am I supposed to do
until I drop dead at 109,
after finally trying cocaine
for the first time?
Aw. You'd make such a cute, old widow!
Man, I love addressing
all of your concerns.
Boom! Problem solving.
But you're not listening.
Oh! That's the realtor right now.
Exciting!
Hi, uh, Rebecca.
Did they receive our offer?
Uh, how high should we go if they counter?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Hey, I... I got to run to the bakery.
I'll see you later.
Okay, bye, sweetie.
I'll let you know right away
if I hear any news.
As you can see, this jaguar and I
are two adults with our shit together.
And as such, we would like you
to do our money.
Great. Joint checking account it is.
Hmm...
Okay, under "account owner,"
- I see you listed "jaguar."
- That's correct.
And under "occupation"
for said account owner,
- you listed "jaguar."
- That's correct.
Mm-hmm.
And for "jaguar," you listed "jaguar."
Wait, did you cross out "income"
and write in "jaguar"?
That's correct.
- This all seems to check out.
- Thank you. Good day.
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ My motherfucking jaguar ♪
♪ Gettin' a joint account
With my motherfucking jaguar ♪
A little for you, mm, but more for me.
And right on time.
Bertie, make room on the counter
for these hot trays.
Oh, no, this shit
looks exactly like my dream!
Okay, Bertie. Calm down.
This is real life.
Nothing sexual is happening.
This dough is too wet.
Got to keep pounding it
until it firms up, and stiffens...
and gets hard.
Great! Now it's sexual!
Bad brain! Bad brain!
Why do I always do this?
Because you're horny.
Shut up, hypothalamus,
you dirty lobe-humper.
Suck my cerebrum!
Figure this out, you two.
Oh, jeez.
He's got the body
of a tenure track professor,
but the arms of an adjunct.
What's going on with you?
You seem, uh, jittery.
Shit. He's onto us. Act normal.
'Sup?
Uh, my boyfriend
and I might be buying a house.
But I don't know.
It's all happening so fast.
Ah. Can't say I recommend it.
Buying a house with my ex-wife
was a disaster.
Yep, too far from the city,
the kitchen was tiny.
And the fire pit? Purely ornamental.
Huh.
Uh, hey, honey.
Uh, I know I said we'd have time,
but another offer has come in
for the house.
We need to move fast
and make a counteroffer.
Ah! This is all too much!
I'm completely normal.
My dreams aren't weird,
and I don't have any fears of commitment.
I'm fine! Completely fine.
I'm doing a normal amount of work
at a reasonable speed.
You know what would be fun
at a reasonable speed?
Don't you dare.
Focus!
I'm the picture of productivity,
a role model for future generations,
a beacon.
Bertie, are you in there?
Your pain au chocolat is vibrating.
Thanks! Oh, I mean, sorry.
You put your phone
inside the dough instead of chocolate.
Typical rookie mistake.
Oh, no!
All these voicemails from Speckle
and one...
from my own phone?
Hi, Bertie. It's me, your phone.
I'm getting really hot.
I'm sorry, phone.
I made a bake mistake.
No problem.
Cooling off now. Bye!
Hey, uh, I realize this is all
happening much faster than we thought.
So, um, call me back
so we can talk about it, okay?
Me again.
Wait. Oh, shit, did I hang up? Ugh!
Hey, uh, sorry.
I... I wasn't sure
if I had hung up properly
or if the voicemail was still recording.
Anyway, Rebecca thinks
we should make an offer now,
but I can't do that without you,
so get back to me.
We're still in the running
for this thing.
Hey, what was the name
of that movie we watched
where the young bird was abducted?
It's driving me crazy
that I can't remember it.
It was called Young Bird Abducted.
Okay. Call me back.
Hey, Bertie. We lost the house.
Hey, uh, please call me.
It's so weird
that you're not answering your phone.
Um, I'm worried about you.
Tuca? I need to talk to you.
So, this is my new pet, Jaggy.
Took me hours to come up with that name.
Tuca, you got a jaguar?
Are you crazy?
That's a huge and dangerous commitment!
You and Speckle are making
a big commitment.
Buying a jaguar is just the Tuca version
of buying a house.
Actually, we aren't buying anything.
- So, you aren't leaving?
- Nope.
I don't know why I thought
we'd be ready to own a house together.
I'm officially the worst
at being in a relationship.
What makes you say that?
I maybe have a weird crush
on Pastry Pete.
I'm a terrible bird!
Oh, girl, you nasty.
Ugh! I had a sex dream
with lots of really beautiful pastries.
And sometimes, I think about him.
But as long as you don't act on them,
weird crushes are cool.
Your brain is a free zone.
Aw, yeah! Imaginary fucking.
Oh, man, really?
I feel so guilty about this.
I got, like, a billion weird crushes
going on at a time.
In my head, I'm married
to three random strangers,
I'm having an affair with six others,
and I'm terrified that the whole thing
is gonna come crashing down on me.
But it doesn't matter
'cause it's all in my head.
No big deal. Nothing's ruined.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Huh.
Aw, shit!
This jaguar is ruining my shit!
Damn it, jaguar!
She's just mad
'cause I spent all of the money
in our joint checking account.
But I needed all those novelty socks.
- Delivery!
- Come on up.
You ordered food during all this?
Hello. I have 16 orders
of meat dumplings and...
My beautiful beak!
Now I'll never be an actor
with humble beginnings!
Now, my face
is just a mush with holes in it!
My mush!
No! My holes!
Ugh! You're right, Bertie.
This pet is too much for me.
- Bertie, are you up there?
- Uh-oh.
- Why? Why?
- Hey, is that a jaguar?
Speckle, watch out!
Jaguar, stop!
Be still.
Also, if you maul that guy any more,
he's gonna die.
Thanks, buddy.
Damn. Good one, Speckle.
Ugh. Hmm...
Hmm! Sweet and sour sauce.
Come now.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
That's cool. You can keep her.
Consider it a neighborly gift.
She just needs 16 orders of meat dumplings
every two hours.
- Sorry about all this, buddy.
- No problem!
Five stars, right?
Eh, four stars.
- You're a little late.
- Aw, shucks.
Speckle, how did you tame that jaguar?
I don't know.
I just didn't want it to hurt you or me.
Mostly me, because I'm mad at you.
I'm so sorry I didn't answer your calls.
That "30-year fixed" stuff
scared the shit out of me.
All you had to do was tell me.
I know. I tried.
But you were like a runaway train
with this house.
How are you so sure
that this is going to work out?
I don't really question it.
I know that I want you now,
and that's enough.
Mm, it's silly, but for me,
sometimes making a big decision
feels like closing a door.
That's okay.
We can slow down
and take it step by step.
Also, I'm gonna look really hot
in 30 years.
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Cookin' some food ♪
♪ Third wheel, third wheel
Gonna taste good! ♪
Cookie omelet, anyone?
Speckle, I'm sorry we lost that house.
Eh. There's always more houses.
I just really liked that one.
- Well, what about this place?
- Hmm?
I mean, have you seen this open house yet?
Because this place is a dream!
Look at this somewhat spacious kitchen
with its... state-of-the-art cabinets
that open and close.
Except for this one, because it's jammed.
Mm, that is a great feature.
And think of all the time you'll save
not watching a fireplace
because there isn't a fireplace.
Oh, perfect!
Also, this place comes complete
with one non-standard toucan.
Standard.
Consider me a built-in
entertainment center with no off switch.
Consider me impressed.
And get a load of this powerful toilet.
Ugh. The pipes in this building are trash.
Y'all should think about moving.
Oh, Tuca.
No, no, no!
All of these actors are too handsome!
Well, I don't know
what you're looking for.
I keep telling you
the character's name is Mush Face.
- I need a man with a mushy face.
- I don't know what that means.
Dumpling delivery?
♪ Big bossy
Ja sä valit set sen ♪
♪ Win-win, no loss ♪
♪ Enjoy the moment while it lasts
Like a bubbly-bubble ♪
♪ Let go of tomorrow and the past ♪
♪ Soak in it, own it
Nautti indulge ♪
♪ Savor it, zone it
Päästä let go ♪
♪ Mikä jut tu Mikä blow ♪
♪ You'd have to say it out loud
Before you know ♪
♪ I just wanna keep it real
Hauskaa ♪
♪ Living my life without vaivaa ♪
♪ Reaching up, up, up
For the taivaa ♪
♪ Kohti taivaa
Ei mitään vaivaa ♪
♪ Sure, I got my share of ongelmia ♪
♪ You know as well as I
They are tervetuloa ♪
♪ 'Cause I trip, grab it
Up again and at it ♪
♪ Till I grow like a flower
through the asphalt ♪
♪ Feed the fire in your heart ♪
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
♪ Seize the moment that you want ♪
♪ No niin! No niin! ♪
♪ Set in motion what you got ♪
And now,
please welcome to the stage,
guy who stepped on gum!
Boxer versus raptor,
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!