True Blood (2008–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Escape from Dragon House - full transcript

Help! Somebody, please!

Sweetie.

What did you get yourself into?

What the fuck?

Oh, my God, Jason. Oh, my God.

It's okay.

Like hell it is! Look at her.
She is definitely not okay.

Beating on me ain't gonna
change anything none.

Darling, I heard yelling.

Sweet Lord in heaven, no.

- What did you do?
- Me?



I found her, Miss Lebvre. He...
He just got here.

I saw you last night, Jason Stackhouse.

I heard y'all fighting,
then she took a shot at you and you ran off.

And now she's dead.

- Jason?
- Yeah. We had a fight.

But I came here to apologize.

She fired a gun at you,
and you come back to apologize?

Sook. I didn't do this.
You gotta believe me.

Well, I'm calling the police.

Then call them.

I had nothing to do with this.

I don't get it.

She was so pretty.

Well, maybe it was just her time.



She was only 23 years old.

Ain't no 23-year-old in the world
whose time has come.

Hey, y'all. What'd I miss?

- Dawn's dead, Mama.
- I know. What a shame.

Who they got in there?

Jason and Sookie Stackhouse.

She found the body, but it sounds like
they think he might have done it.

Well, he didn't.

- Well, then who did?
- I don't know.

Probably the same person
that killed Maudette.

I tell you one thing, man.

We too small a town to be losing girls
one after the other like this.

- Whoever it is, I hope they fry the fuck.
- Rene.

Pardon my language, Miss Maxine.

No need to apologize, Rene.
We're all excited.

To be a fly on the wall
in that apartment right now.

And I realize you've been through a lot,
and you're scared.

But I need you to try and remember
when you got here...

...was the door open or just unlocked?

Open, I think.

P/sses me off the way she keeps ca///ng
me "Andy," everyone ca//s Bud "sher/ff."

Why can't they ca// me "detect/ve"? When
am / gonna get some respect around here?

Wou/d you /ook at that?
A f/ne pa/r of perfect, natura/ breasts.

/'d have /a/d down money
that they were fake. We// done, God.

Though and then, not so we// done,
/ett/ng her d/e //ke you d/d.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck am / gonna do?
/ a/ready got out of th/s once.

No way they gonna /et me wa/k aga/n.
And /'m too damn pretty to go to pr/son.

Sookie.

Sorry, what was the question?

Is that the exact position
you found her in?

I covered her up with a sheet,
but I don't think I touched her.

I wish you hadn't done that.

Next time we find a friend of mine dead,
I'll try to remember that.

I keep waiting for this heat to break,
but it won't.

- It's stubborn, this summer we're having.
- Oh, I know.

"I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof."

That's from a play.

Well, I sure could use a beer right now, me.
Y'all want some?

- lf you're gonna get one.
- Bring me one.

While you're in there, would you mind
rustling up a bucket of ice?

And those nice plastic cups we got
at the Super Save-A-Bunch.

- Yeah.
- And maybe some of those paper doilies.

Lord, woman,
what's with you and them doilies?

Doilies are to protect the table.
We outside.

They might wanna put them down
on the car or something.

- Just bring the doilies, please.
- Fine.

If all conversations end
with them saying "fine"...

...why do they bother putting up a fight?

This fight you heard Dawn and Jason
having, were you able to make any of it out?

Just the tail end, right before the gunshot.
He called her...

...a very bad word.

What was that word?

Well, it starts with a B.

I see.

Okay.

- That'll be all. Thank you, Miss Lebvre.
- Oh, you're welcome, Andy, dear.

No one dignified would die without
your underwear on in the first place.

- Sure?
- Yeah.

Sookie, here.

God.

Hey. Hey.

If you're gonna make me wait in the car,
can you at least turn on the a. c?

I know you can hear me.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Couldn't hear me yelling?
Car's hotter than hell.

Shut up.

- Thank you, Sookie. We'll be in touch.
- Bud, let's roll before I melt in here.

Stop. Mama, I don't need any sunblock.

Oh, please, Hoyt,
if anyone needs sun block, it's you.

Your skin's whiter than Desitin.

Mama, I'm gonna move out.
I swear it, I will.

No, you won't.
Now get down so I can get your neck.

Came as soon as I heard.

I'm sorry you had to be
the one to find her.

It was gonna be somebody. Right?

I guess.

Oh, I tell you, Sook...

...sometimes I don't even recognize
this world we're living in.

- I mean, goddamn it.
- Be careful, now.

God didn't do this.

- vampires. There's no way...

You think maybe I should
shut down the bar for the day?

All that'd do is deny people a good, stiff
drink on the day they could use it the most.

- Yeah, but...
- I know it's supposed to be my day off...

...but the last thing I need right now
is time alone with my thoughts.

All right, then.

We'll open.

I may be late, though. I gotta swing by
home and tell Gran what's going on.

It's Bon Temps, she already knows.

Still...

...with Jason and everything...

- Excuse me, are you Mr. Merlotte?
- Yeah.

Detective in charge
tells me you're the landlord.

That's right.

We need to get in the victim's storage unit,
but we don't have a key.

If you could find one,
it'd be a big help right about now.

Miss? Could you please let us by?

Hey, Sookie.
Meet Neil Jones, my new apprentice.

He's from Kentucky.

Hi.

Hi.

Lift, kid. Come on, lift.

You don't have to be too careful.
Ain't gonna hurt her. Okay.

So you had a fight, she took a shot at you
with a gun, and you just left?

Didn't see her again till you showed up with
flowers and found her dead this morning?

That's my story,
and it ain't gonna change.

Except it just did change.

You just admitted
you're the one who found her, not Sookie.

No, I didn't.

You're trying to trick me.
It don't count if I get tricked.

Does it?

Make you hot, Jason?
Killing girls and sticking it to them?

- No.
- See, I think it does.

I think it turns you on.

Sounds to me like it turns you on.

Tell me, is that how you do it?
Kill them then fuck them?

Or do you fuck them
and then kill them?

Or I know.

You strangle them as you're fucking them,
don't you, you sick fuck?

How many other women you done this to
besides Dawn and Maudette?

Maudette? l... I didn't...

I gotta use the bathroom.

Man's gotta pee, Andy.

- Bathroom? Bathroom?
- It's over there.

Son of a bitch.

You shouldn't have laughed.

What are you talking about?

When he came at me with that crack
about me being the one turned on...

...you shouldn't have laughed.
- I guess it just struck me as funny.

You were working so hard on him,
and I don't think he did it.

What the fuck?

We got two dead girls
and this dumb fuck admits...

...to sleeping with both of them
within hours before they were killed.

Yeah, and both our dead girls
got bit by vampires too.

Far as I can tell,
Stackhouse don't have fangs.

What the hell you doing in there,
Stackhouse?

I'll be out in a minute.

What the fuck was that?

Fuck, you gotta be shitting me.

Hold on!

I said, hold on. I'll be there.

Sheriff Dearborne. Andy.

I hear you guys brought Jason in.

- So?
- You charging him with anything?

- Not yet, no.
- Asking him some questions.

I assume he's been
properly Mirandized, then.

Please tell me you informed him
he has a right to have an attorney present.

Maybe. Doesn't matter though,
because he's got you here now.

Was that funny because I'm a woman...

...or because I'm a black woman?
- I thought it was funny, you know...

...because you can talk like a lawyer
but you ain't one.

How do you know all this anyway?
You been taking night classes?

School is for white people looking for
other white people to read to them.

I figure I save my money
and read to myself.

- Tara.
- I'm getting you out of here.

- Like hell you are.
- You charging him with anything?

- She's right. We can't hold him.
- He can't even say where he was last night.

Least he could've done
was make shit up.

Listen, I told you where I was.
I was home alone. Sleeping.

You never sleep alone, Stackhouse,
and you know it.

- Guys, he was with me.
- What's this, now?

If y'all were together last night,
how come he don't seem to know?

I asked him not to tell anybody about us.

He's surprised to hear me
being the one blabbing about it.

Aren't you, baby?

Yeah.

Wha...? You buying this?

People think because we got vampires out
in the open, race isn't the issue no more.

You ever see the way folks look
at mixed couples in this town?

Race may not be the hot-button issue it once
was, but it's still a button you can push.

- Would you be willing to go on record?
- Yes.

- Understanding you're lying, you'd be guilt...
- Perjury. I know.

You got a Bible?
I'll swear on it right here.

Jason and I were together last night
and it was a beautiful thing.

Okay. You're free to go.

Jesus.

- Come on, baby. Let's take you home.
- Okay, baby.

Hey, Gran.

- I heard.
- About Jason too?

- He didn't do it, you know.
- I know.

Jason may be many things,
but he is not a murderer.

I know.

The thing is though, Sookie, in all the years
that I've lived in Bon Temps...

...I can't recall but two,
maybe three murders.

And now there are two in one week.
People are not gonna stand for it.

And if the police can't find the person
who did it, they're gonna find Jason.

- He needs your help.
- Gran, how am I supposed to...?

You use the gift God gave you.

Listen in on people, keep your ears open.
You're bound to hear something.

It's got nothing to do with my ears.

Whatever it is you use to listen, use it.
He is your brother, Sookie.

Okay.

Good girl.

Would you come and pick up
your fucking orders...?

- k///ed Dawn,
/ wonder /f he had sex w/th her or not.

Seems //ke a waste /f he d/dn't.

She sure was pretty.
Never even /ooked at me.

Can't get that /etter /n Cosmo
out of my head. "How much better...

... cou/d an orgasm w/th a vamp/re be?"
/ wonder, /s /t that much better?

What the he///s th/s wor/d com/ng to?

Dead fucks, n/ggers
and regu/ar fo/k a////v/ng together.

/f God wanted /t //ke th/s,
he'd have made us /ook the same.

Maybe these rea//y are the end t/mes.

/ don't know
what everybody's upset about.

These whores had /t com/ng,
hang/ng out /n vamp/re bars.

- That a/n't natura/, and /t a/n't safe.
- You seem sad that g/r//s dead.

/ wonder /f y'a// were fr/ends. /f you were,
that means you're probab/y next.

Fuck/ng fang-bangers are crazy,
every /ast one of you.

Thank you.
Fuck/ng fang-bangers are crazy,
every /ast one of you.

Just //ke those women who wr/te
/ove /etters to ser/a/ k///ers /n pr/son.

Hey. I asked for ranch dressing
with these fries.
Just //ke those women who wr/te
/ove /etters to ser/a/ k///ers /n pr/son.

Hey. I asked for ranch dressing
with these fries.

Two margaritas.

That Dawn sure left us high and dry,
didn't she?

It's not like she meant not to be here.

No, but if she didn't spend
her nights off...

...at that vamp bar in Shreveport,
she still would be.

Did I just hear you right, Arlene?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Please. Ain't there a part of you
think she had it coming?

No, not a single part.
And I'm taking your ranch.

Hey.

- You're late.
- Sorry, boss.

Hey, listen, we should probably talk.

About last night?

What about last night?

You're gonna make this
hard on me, aren't you?

Actually, no,
I'm gonna make it very, very easy.

Nothing happened between us last night.

And if anybody asks,
you didn't see me at all, okay?

I'm telling people
I spent the night with Jason.

- Jason Stackhouse?
- Yes.

I was with Jason last night.

And if you say different,
they're gonna haul both our asses into jail.

You lied to the police for him?

Shit, Tara.

I know you carry a torch for the guy,
but I don't get it, I really don't.

There's more to Jason
than meets the eye.

Deep down he is a very good person.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck!

Go fucking down.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

In Iraq today,
10 U.S. Marines were killed when a...

Motherfucker.

Oh, baby.

My sweet, sweet baby.

Hey, baby.

Sure /s too bad about Dawn.

/ a/ready m/ss the way her butt used
to hang out of the bottom of her shorts.

Have mercy on you, Sook/e Stackhouse.
/ hope that brother of yours...

... gets what he deserves
and he fr/es for what he's done.

Cry/ng shame /s what /t /s.

Th/s p/ace a/n't gonna be the same
w/thout Dawn.

She had the prett/est, n/cest sm//e.
Why was / so scared to ta/k to her?

Now /'// never know
what her vo/ce sounded //ke.

/ bet /t sounded //ke ange/s
and parakeets m/xed together.

Hoyt Fortenberry.

I just wanted to say thank you.

For... For what?

Okay. All right then.

Jason, you look me in the eye
and you tell me the truth.

- Did you kill Dawn?
- What? No.

Jesus, Sook.

Look, when Maudette died...

...I thought I might've done it,
and it turned out I didn't.

With Dawn,
I don't even think I might've done it.

- So I know I didn't.
- You swear?

The way you're acting,
seems like you want it to be me.

Sorry. Gran asked me to listen in on folks,
see if I can't clear your name.

And sometimes it's hard...

I gotta stop you. It sounds
like you're revving up for a long one.

And I really need to see Lafayette.
I'll talk to you later.

What the fuck, Lafayette?

I'm busy. What's your problem?

My problem is my dick.
It's been hard since 3:00.

- Something ain't right with that vamp blood...
- Will you shut the fuck up?

- Sorry.
- Watch your loud ass.

Ain't nothing wrong
with the shit I sold you.

What the hell is it?

- How much you take?
- The whole thing.

You took the whole thing?

You a dizzy motherfucker.

I said one drop, two max,
and you took the whole thing?

Look, I was in the backseat of a cop car,
I had it on me, and I panicked, okay?

Give me something to make it go away.
I don't care what it costs.

Ain't no antidote to V, boyfriend.

When my grandpa was alive, he had gout.

And he said just the weight of a sheet
on his big toe was too much to bear.

So help me God,
that's exactly what this feels like.

Maybe you should try rubbing one out.

Were you listening to me?

I got gout of the dick.

Vampire.

What's he doing in here?

Any fries for you?

What you want?

May I have a bottle of O-negative,
please?

A-negative's all we got.

- A-negative then.
- Okay.

Pretty crowded in here tonight.
Something going on?

Sam just bought a case.
We got O-neg and A-neg. Plenty of each.

Fuck him. I'm giving him A.

And don't microwave it neither.
He can have it cold.

You are so bad.

Are we out of O?

Blood is blood.
What difference does it make?

He prefers O.

I'll take it to him if you like.

Well, good. He gives me the creeps.

- Come on.
- Where are we going?

You know my friend who works here?
Dawn?

- Someone killed her last night.
- How?

- Say you're sorry.
- Excuse me?

You wanna learn to fit in?
You gotta say you're sorry.

You don't even have to mean it.
Lord knows they don't most of the time.

I am sorry.

Thank you.
Anyway, I'm the one who found her.

Strangled. Cops think it was my brother.

- Was it?
- No, he's not capable of it.

I've been around long enough to know
anyone is capable of just about anything.

He didn't do it.

So I've been listening in
on people's thoughts...

...hoping I might hear something
to clear him.

Apparently there's this vampire bar
where Maudette and Dawn...

...used to hang out at in Shreveport.
You know it?

Fangtasia.

Fangtasia?

You have to remember
that most vampires are very old.

Puns used to be
the highest form of humor.

Well, I was thinking if I went there
I could do some sniffing around.

You think maybe you can take me?

- How about tonight?
- The sooner the better.

I just gotta tell Sam I'm leaving,
and run home and change.

- Meet you there.
- Thank you.

Bill, I'm asking you this as a friend, okay?
This is not a date.

Fine.

- It's not a date. I'm serious.
- As am I.

Hey, Sam?

Is it all right
if I take the rest of the night off?

Why?

I need to go to that vampire bar
in Shreveport.

So I can snoop around and see
if I can clear my brother's name.

Mr. Compton was kind enough
to agree to take me.

Mr. Compton?

Oh, Jesus. Sookie, you gonna
get yourself killed, you know that?

I'll be fine.

Baby, the fact that you think
you'll be fine...

...only proves
just how not fine you're gonna be.

Vampires think about one thing,
and one thing only:

Drinking your blood.

Like humans aren't bloodthirsty?

People wanna see my brother hang
for a crime he didn't commit.

- Is that what you want?
- No, I'm not saying don't help your brother.

I thought you were for
the Vampire Rights Amendment.

I think they should be able
to have their own bars.

- I just don't think people ought to go there.
- Separate but equal?

I don't give a shit about equal.
We can give them more than we got.

Just so long as everything's separate.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
But I'm going.

Well, I can't stop you.

No. You can't.

Penny for your thoughts.

I thought you liked
not knowing what I'm thinking.

Most of the time I do.

You won't care for it.

That doesn't mean I don't wanna know.

You look like vampire bait.

What's that supposed to mean?

I promised your grandmother no harm
would come to you at Fangtasia tonight.

I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to keep
that promise with you dressed like this.

So are you saying
you think I look nice?

Doesn't matter what I think.
This isn't a date, remember?

This ain't a part of my job description,
goddamn it.

- Don't turn around.
- What...?

- I said, don't look at me.
- What the hell are you doing?

I think I might have OD'd.

Oh, my God. On what?

- V.
- You're doing V now?

It was my first time.

Where on earth did you come across V
in this town?

Lafayette.

My cousin is dealing vampire blood now?
Goddamn idiot.

At least that explains why
I walked in on you dancing around...

...in that Laura Bush mask yesterday.

Because I gotta tell you, without a reason,
that was some fucked up shit.

All right, let me see it.

How long have you had the erection?

- Well, how do you know?
- I read.

You're not the first vain-ass,
body-conscious ex-jock to overdo the V...

...and wind up
with an acute case of priapism.

- Pria... What?
- Priapism.

Now, lift the rib eye
and let me see what we're dealing with.

- Whoa, J... Jason, that's...
- Yeah, it's bad, ain't it?

We gotta get you to a hospital now.

- No. No. No hospitals. No way.
- Do you wanna keep your dick or not?

Bill, haven't seen you in a while.

- I'm mainstreaming.
- Good for you. Who's the doll?

- Pam, this is Sookie. Sookie, this is Pam.
- Pleased to meet you.

- Can I see your ID?
- Oh. Sure.

How funny. Who'd have thought?
Getting carded at a vampire bar.

I can no longer tell human ages.

We must be careful we serve no minors,
in any capacity.

Twenty-five, huh? How sweet it is.

Oh, I don't know. Is there a large?

This feels a little bit like
what vampire bar would look like...

...if it were a... A ride at Disney World.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

It tends to get more authentic
as the night wears on.

Can I get you something to drink?

Please.

How's it going, Bill?

- Hey.
- Hey, darling.

Very well.

- I'll say it is. This your meal for tonight?
- This is my friend Sookie.

- Sookie, Longshadow.
- Nice to meet you.

- I'll have a gin and tonic, please.
- And I'll have a bottle of O-negative.

Sookie here, would like to know...

...if she could ask you a few questions.
Would this be acceptable?

I just have a couple of pictures
I'd love you to take a look at.

Do you recognize either of these women?

Yeah, I've seen them both here before.

Great, thank you. Do you also happen
to remember who they hung around with?

That's something we don't notice here.
You won't either.

Okay, then. Thank you.
I appreciate you taking the time.

This one, she wanted to die.

How do you know?

Everyone who comes here does,
in their own way.

That's who we are: Death.

Oh, my God. He's so powerfu/.
So beaut/fu/.

The c/oser / step,
the more beaut/fu/ he gets.

You can do th/s. Just wa/k up there
and offer yourse/f to h/m...

How's your drink?

A gin and tonic's pretty much a
gin and tonic, no matter where you drink it.

I know exactly what you mean.

Who's that?

Oh, you noticed him, did you?

- No, it's not like that. I just...
- Everyone does.

That's Eric.

He's the oldest thing in this bar.

Hi.

I'm Taryn.

Still think you're in Disney World?

You say that this has never happened
to you before?

No, sir.

Well, no sign of hypertension.

I'm gonna ask a question, son, and
I'm gonna need you to be honest with me.

Have you taken any drugs today?

No. No, that's a negative.

So no marijuana, then?

How about cocaine?

- Meth?
- No.

- Vampire blood?
- What?

Hell, that's sick.
I mean, to even suggest that is...

Yeah, yeah,
you'd never do anything like that.

All right. Let's have a look.

Oh, boy. Sure glad I'm not you.

It looks kind of like an eggplant...

...what with that color
and the way it's all swollen up at the end.

Can you fix it?

Ordinarily we like to treat this in stages.

First, and least radical, being an injection
of anti-inflammatory drugs into the penis.

A needle in my dick?
That's the least radical thing you can do?

It is, yes.
But you've progressed to the point...

...where I don't think you'd benefit
from that at all.

In my opinion, we need to aspirate.

I need to drain the blood
out of your penis.

Okay, I'll leave you to it.

Where are you going?

Look, I will admit to sometimes
having a sick curiosity about medical shit...

...but I ain't that fucking curious.

Tara, stay with me?

I ain't never gonna be the same
after this.

- You're not?
- Are you ready, son?

Ain't you gonna put me out?

I don't think we can afford the time
it would take to sedate you.

Without knowing
what other substances you've taken...

...I don't wanna risk a drug interaction.
Now, just lean on back there for me.

There you go.

- Tara?
- It's... It's gonna be okay.

You gotta breathe, though.

All right, then.
You're gonna feel a stick in three, two...

Sam?

I hate to ask, but would you mind
walking me to my car tonight?

No problem.

Arlene, don't hate to ask.
Not with what's been going on.

Well, I ain't never been with no vampire.

But still, you know,
you can't be too safe, you know?

- Get the lights for me, would you?
- Okay.

It used to be, living in a small town
and knowing everybody in it...

...you knew you were safe.
It's a new day now.

Don't I know it.

How come no one fucked me?
/ got a dog co//ar too.

Mort/c/a, how'd you //ke me
to r/p that tape off your t/ts?

/t a/n't gay /f a guy's a vamp/re, /s /t?

/'m gonna get k/cked out of my frat
/f / don't fuck a vamp/re.

You able to pick up anything?

All anyone's thinking about here is
sex, sex, sex;

One needn't be telepathic
to pick up on that.

Don't say, "uh-oh."
Vampires are not supposed to say "uh-oh."

It's Eric. He's scanned you twice.
He's going to summon us.

- He can do that?
- Oh, yeah.

Bill Compton. It has been a while.

- Yes, well, I've been...
- Mainstreaming.

I heard.

I see that is going well for you.

Yes, of course, sorry.
Eric, this is my friend...

- Sookie Stackhouse.
- How do you know my name?

I never forget a pretty face.
You're in my vault.

Great. That's just great.

It's nice to meet you.

- Well, aren't you sweet.
- Not really.

I understand you've been asking questions
about some of my customers.

Yes, I have.

If you have anything to ask,
you should ask it of me.

Alrighty.

You recognize either one of these girls?

This one offered herself to me.

But I found her too pathetic
for my attentions.

Now, this one, however...

...I have tasted.

- I remember them both.
- On account of the vault?

Never had either of them, though.
They weren't really my type.

Well, thank you very much.
That is all your time I need to take.

I'm not finished with you yet.

Please...

...sit.

So, Bill...

...are you quite attached to your friend?

She is mine.

Yes. I am his.

Well, what a pity for me.

Sit with us.

We have catching up to do, you and I.
It has been too long.

Yes.

Where the fuck are they? My backup
was supposed to be here 15 m/nutes ago.

/ can't hand/e a ra/d on my own.
These fuck/ng vamp/res...

We have to get out of here.

- Sookie.
- Cops are coming. There's gonna be a raid.

- Tell me you're not an undercover cop.
- I'm not but that man in the hat is.

Even if you're right,
we do nothing illegal here.

Go ahead and do /t. Open me up.
/ don't care, make me fee/ someth/ng.

There's a vampire in the ladies' room
with that man you kicked before.

- She's feeding on him.
- How do you know this?

Police! Police!

- Freeze!
- Don't move!

Follow me.

Hands where I can see them.

I enjoyed meeting you, Miss Stackhouse.
You will come again.

Tara.

Tara.

Tara.

- Sookie.
- You get your ugly self down here.

- Hey, Tara. Sookie ain't home.
- No, just please let me in, okay?

- I'm gonna crack you one...
- Don't let her in.

Is there a problem here?

You bet your tiny white ass
there's a problem.

- Little bitch hid my Captain Morgan.
- I didn't hide it, Mom. I threw it out.

- Don't.
- Look, my Gran's at the market...

...and I ain't supposed to let anyone in
while she's gone.

- You let her in.
- Well, I know her.

Mama, let him go.

Maybe I should call Sheriff Dearborne, so
he can come out here and throw you in jail.

Where I guarantee ain't no Captain Morgan
gonna be waiting for you.

This ain't over.

Can we turn this down?

What language are they speaking,
anyhow?

Cambodian.

You don't like it?

You think we can pull over for a minute?
I need things to stop.

Sure.

I just need a couple minutes of quiet
and then we can go.

Well, I'm in no hurry. You take your time.

I'm sorry if I got you
into any trouble tonight.

Don't apologize. We vampires
are always in some kind of trouble.

And I'd prefer to be in it with you.

Oh, this can't be happening.

Open up.

Open the window
and let me do the talking, okay?

- Hello, officer.
- Evening, miss.

- What are you two doing out this late?
- Driving home from a date.

We were raiding a bar not too far from here.
Y'all coming from there by any chance?

No. Not us.

It's called Fangtasia. That ring any bells?

How about you, son?
You seem awful quiet.

Don't you talk?

I'm a man of few words.

"A man of few words." I like that.

Let me just shine this light here
on your neck, miss...

...if you don't mind.

Not at all.

Why don't you ask her
if you can shine it between her legs?

- Excuse me.
- Bill.

Vampires sometimes like to feed
from the femoral artery.

The blood flows more freely down there...

...so one doesn't have to suck as hard.

Or so I've been told.

I like your gun. It's a beautiful weapon.

Thank you.

- May I have it?
- Bill, I want you to stop this right now.

Sure.

I guess.

Nice.

It's heavier than I imagined.

- Is it loaded?
- Well, yes. Yes, it is.

- Yeah.
- Bill, you are freaking me out.

Now, you listen to me, officer.

I do not take kindly to you shining your light
in the eyes of my female companion.

And as I have more than 100 years on you,
I do not take kindly to you calling me "son."

So the next time you pull somebody over
on suspicion of being a vampire...

...you better pray to God
that you're wrong.

Because that vampire may not be
as kind to you as I'm about to be.

I'm not gonna kill you.

But I am gonna keep your gun.

Does that sound fair?

- Yes.
- Yes, what?

Yes, sir.

There you go.

Now, you have a nice night.