Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 9, Episode 8 - A Dancer for Money - full transcript

[birds chirping]

[vehicle approaching]

[Bubbles]
Fuck off with the fucking noise!

[theme music playing]

[Leslie singing]
♪ Roll, roll, roll my tank ♪

♪ Gently on cars ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily ♪

[laughing]

[Ricky] Why the fuck can't
you just go straight,

you tangly fuck?!

Jesus, Ricky,
this looks fucked.



Can't you run the hoses
inside the walls or something?

It's been a
couple of hours.

What the fuck do you think I am?
Flash Lightning?

Who gives a fuck what
it looks like, man.

I'm going to be able
to take showers and...

You fuck off!

I know what I'm doing, Julian.
Trust me.

Yeah, okay, I trust you.
Good luck, man.

For fuck's sakes!
What the...

Fuck!

O-o-oh, there she is.

Hey, Barb,
what's up?

Good morning,
Sarah. Tyrone.

Tyrone, could I have a quick word
with Sarah, please?



Yeah, you
go ahead, girl.

I think Phoebe's
ready for you.

Sarah, I found out
what goes on

in that room back
there, last night.

Okay. Barb, I know.

I totally should've
told you.

Look, a lot of ladies
are really getting off

on the service that
we provide here.

Well, I am not
surprised.

I have to say, I...

I quite enjoyed
it myself.

Okay, wait. Are we talking
about the same thing?

Oh, I think so.

I have a whole new
appreciation for Donna's talents.

I feel like a new person.

Mm-hm.

[Leslie on megaphone]
♪ I've got a great big tank ♪

♪ And I don't give a... ♪

Oh, fuck!

Go-o-o-od morni-i-i-ing,

Sunnyva-a-ale!

I am Colonel Leslie Dancer,

of the Halifax Rifles 23rd

Halifax...

battalion.

And I am in control
of the park.

You are in complete lock-down.

Have yourselves a very
happy sunny villa day.

[dogs barking]

What the fuck is that?

[Bubbles yelling] What in the fuck?!

Pass me the pipe
wrench, Cory.

Which one's that?

It's the one that
looks like a...

stick that's talking.

[high-pitched voice]
Oh, I think it's this one.

- I'm a wrench talking!
- That's the one.

How the fuck are
you two dum-dum

tarantula sluts
not done yet?

I did everything else.
I got to do this fucking too?

It's all
connected, Ricky.

Just making sure
all the joints are tight.

Check it.

[laughing] Holy fuck,
nice work!

Running water,
boys!

Nice work, Rick.

Great job, boys.
Those plants look fucking awesome!

Look how healthy
they are.

Thanks for
coming, Lucy.

Listen, do you want to come in that room
over there for a second?

I just want to show you something.
It won't take a minute.

Ricky, I'm not going
to bang you. Not now.

Gross!

I didn't say I was going
to try to bang you.

I just want to show
you this cool...

rock that I found.
It's awesome.

Let's go.

Come on.

Cory, what the fuck are you doing?
Are you family?

No. Fuck off.
It's family day.

Sorry, Cory.

- [Ricky] Hey, Willy.
- That's cool.

Cory, let's go.
The net.

This is going
to be awesome.

- What's up, dude? It's just you and me.
- [phone ringing]

We can work on
the motel or...

Hey, Bubbs.

Julian, you have to get
the fuck to the park now!

I can't come to the park right now, man.
I've got Open House.

Oh, yeah? Well, Leslie's
here in a fucking army tank

driving over cars and shit!

I'm scared he's going to squash
one of the oldies. Or me!

[Julian]
He's in what?

He's in a fucking
army tank, Julian!

He said the park's
on lock-down

and he's crashing over things
and squashing things!

You've got to get here!
I think he might have had a drink or two!

Jesus Christ! All right,
I'll be right there.

Okay, just hurry up.

Hurry up, I'm scared.

Okay, kitties, suit up.

Put your fucking
hand down.

What do you
want me to do?

I don't want you to
do a fucking thing.

Well, should
I check...

I want you
to do nothing.

If you have thoughts
telling you things to do,

- ignore the thoughts.
- Got it.

What are you going to
do with the thoughts?

Uh...

Holy fuck, you're stupid!
Ignore them!

I need a lift to the park, let's go!
Let's go, let's go!

- Hey, one second.
- No, no, right now!

If anybody shows up
before I get back, keep them here.

[engine struggles]

[Julian]
Close the fucking door!

- [van door closing]
- Okay.

[van driving away]

Cha-a-arge!

You bastards.

Oh, my God! What
on earth is that?

[drunkenly singing]
♪ Singing in my tank ♪

♪ Just singing in my tank ♪

♪ What a glorious feeling... ♪

Come on, guys.

Look, I know you don't
like it in these things,

but this is not a drill,
this is an emergency code red!

Emergency ground egress.
We've got to get out of here.

Holy fuck!

[Leslie indistinct]...
♪ Before I come here... ♪

[Donna]
Jesus!

- Oh, my God.
- What's he doing?

[Donna & Barb indistinct comments]

- I'm pretty scared, girls.
- Ohhh!

[Donna] It's kind of making
me hot, though.

Look at this place!
Nobody in their right mind

would ever
buy it now.

Leslie, you crazy cocksucker!

[metallic clanging]

Hey now, just,
Leslie, you...

fuck off!

My kitties
are in here.

You fucking...

[shrieking]

[Trinity]
Hi, Moe!

Are you playing
with Grampie?

Yes, I'm helping
Grampa teach Jacob

how to plant weed
clones, aren't I?

Hey, Willy, stay
the fuck away

from those
weed plants!

Jacob,
Jesus Christ!

- Sorry, dude.
- Willy...

- Go play with some deerts for something.
- [bleating]

What a perfect day for a picnic
with the family.

My two
favorite girls,

my favorite
little man,

the sun is shining,
the weed's growing,

got the good kind
of chicken fingers,

not the shitty ones like George
fucking had.

It's fucking
awesome.

- And I'm here.
- [sighs]

- It's great, Dad.
- It's really perfect.

Leslie, you fuck off!

My kitties
are in there!

Turn that off!

Bubbs! What the fuck are you doing?
Get out of there!

My kitties are in here and he's not
squishing them!

Hell, mahfucker, it's like Tiananmen
Square up in this, man!

[Lahey slurring]
Julian, what's going on?

[Julian]
Leslie's lost his goddamn mind!

Leslie, stop!
It's not...

it's not me you...

It's me you want,
not Julian!

How's retirement
treating you, bud?

Retirement? I'm not retired.

A good soldier never
deserts on a mission

and this mission is not over.

What exactly is
the mission, bud?

If you don't know,
I can't tell you.

You drunken sot.

Ricky, aren't you afraid

someone's going to find all
these weeds plants out here?

No one's going to be out this
fucking way any time soon.

This is where people
say they saw the Saskatchawaunch.

Wait, they said they
saw that around here?

Dumb people did.

It's probably a stupid
bear or a dumb gorillna.

Saskatchawaunches
don't exist.

Yeah, but what
if they do?

This is no place
for a baby.

No way, we're out
of here. Let's go.

[Trinity] Mom, come on,
they're not real.

You know what?
I don't want to take that chance.

What if they
are real?

No, fuck that,
we're out.

Lucy, come on.

Jacob, way to go, man.

Thanks for fucking
bringing that up, you idiot!

[distant growling]

What the fuck
was that?

I don't know.
Where's Willy?

- Willy!
- [bleating]

- Dad, let's go. I'm scared.
- Everybody fucking relax.

Saskatchawaunches
aren't bullet-proof.

- Grab the camera, Jacob.
- Here.

Oh, that's just great!
That's just...

Thanks a lot, Rick.
That's fucking great!

You think you're
better than me?

You let the liquor
back into your life, Jim,

and the liquor
almost discharged me.

But guess what?

I challenged
the liquor.

I taunted the liquor.

I took control
of the liquor.

And I made the
liquor my bitch!

And the liquor
retreated.

I outdrank
the liquor!

And guess what?

I will not be
discharged!

Already are!
Time to go!

You lose!

Ha! You think
you've won?

You think
you're a winner?

Name one single
solitary thing

that you've ever
accomplished

in your infantile,

messed up little life
that's been successful!

- You're a loser!
- Oof!

[Randy]
That's it!

You're nothing but
a frigging bully

and a bullshitter!

Let's go, Leslie!
You and me!

Right frigging now!

Oh, we're
going tribal?

That's my
specialty.

Once again, I am
the one that suffers

because of the
goddamn liquor.

Okay, Barb,
it's not the liquor,

It's the men.

Think about it.
When we get loaded,

we don't end up driving
tanks in our underpants.

Do you know what, Sarah?
You are completely right.

Men are at the center
of all my misery.

Yes, who needs men?
Not this girl.

You know what, girls?
Let's take off.

Just the three of us.
Let's pack the car,

and drive off!

Okay, you know the
special services

that we've been offering?

Well, we've saved up
$6,000 in cash.

Oh, well, what
are we waiting for?

Let's see where
the road takes us.

No men allowed.

Like Thelma, Louise
and what's his nuts.

[laughing]

Because only one of us
is going to be walking out of here alive!

Bust him in the eye, Rand'!

[scattered cheering]

Fucking give it to him, Randy!

Top a biff, Rand', sayin'!

Kick him where it hurts.

- Do your shit, king!
- Come on, do it, 1, 2, 3...

"Ignore all thoughts."

- "Ignore all thoughts."
- [approaching vehicle]

"Ignore all thoughts."

"Ignore all thoughts"...
Jeez.

"Ignore all thoughts."

Hi.

We're here for
the open house.

I know we're
a bit early but...

Are you the owner?

No, he's not
back yet, dude.

Oh. Well, okay, then.

We'll come back
a bit later.

Okay.

Uh, wait, no,
actually, uh,

he said that if people come
I have to keep them here.

But he also said
do nothing.

So I don't really
know what to do.

And... I...

I've got to
calculate.

One second.

Okay, you know what?
He said people stay here

after he said
do nothing,

so I think that
cancels it out.

So...?

So you can stay!

Well, that's great.

Do you mind if we
have a look around?

No, go right ahead.

Actually, I'll show you

but I just have to
ignore all my thoughts

- of showing you. Let's go!
- Okay.

Holy fuck,
they do exist!

There's one of those
shit-covered sticky whores right there.

- Release the goat, you asshole!
- [gunshot]

- [bleating]
- Do you see that fucking thing?

- [Jacob] This is fucking crazy, Ricky!
- [gunshot]

- You okay, little buddy?
- [bleating]

Holy fuck, you smell
like sweaty gravy.

The cocksucker must've
got armpit juice on you.

Here, Jacob, you
fucking carry him.

Fuck, he stinks!

[sniffing]

[Julian]
Throw a punch, Randy!

Fuckin' crank him, Randy!

I'm not scared of you.

[J-Roc]
Rand', jack him, dawg!

You know what,
everybody?

I found Leslie Dancer's
military I.D.,

and he was never
a colonel.

He was just a
frigging private!

- [gasping]
- [sirens in distance]

[Bubbles]
Hang on.

So he's...
Private Dancer?

Like, dancing for money?

[laughing]

- Time to put you down, soldier.
- [sirens getting louder]

[Lahey]
Leslie, hang the fuck on!

Don't you hurt my Randy,
Private Dancer.

It's Colonel Dancer,
you... idiot!

Drop the weapon now!

Stand down, soldier.

You're pointing a
weapon at a colonel.

Is that
Private Dancer?

Private Dancer,
lower your weapon!

It's Colonel Dancer!

Aaargh!

[Lahey]
Get him, Randy!

[wet thud]

Argh!

Say I'm a
Private Dancer!

Fuck! Randy's
checking his oil!

- [J-Roc] Looks like he down a quart too.
- [laughter]

Say it!

I'm a Private Dancer!

Get your goddamn
thumb out of my a-a-a-ss!

[laughing]

Yeah! High five!

No, no.

I can't believe he
stole a fucking tank.

The war's
not over yet.

[J-Roc]
Hey, Private Dancer,

[singing]
♪ Do what they want you to do ♪

- Sayin'?
- [laughter]

[singing] ♪ He checked your oil
Private Dancer ♪

[laughter]

Endless jokes!

Randy, oh!

Thank God you're safe!
I love you, buddy.

Randy, I didn't know you
were an André the Giant fan.

Who's André the Giant?

What?

The thumb up the arse,

that's an old André
the Giant move.

He used to do it
to Hogan.

I don't know who
he is, Bubbles.

Sir, we'd like you
to come back to base

and make an
official statement.

It would go a long way in putting
this lunatic behind bars for good.

I'd be frigging
happy to.

Hey, Randy, do you want
me to come with you, bud?

- I'm not going to be long, Mr. Lahey.
- No?

I'll be right back.

Thanks a lot for
protecting me, Randy.

Who's a loser now, Dancer?

[cackling, drunken muttering]

[sighing]
Fuck!

Eon's!
Cocksuckers!

[man]
So, we'll talk to the bank

and be back to
make an offer.

Thank you, young man.
You've been very helpful.

Oh, thank you.
You know what?

No one's ever called
me helpful before.

Ever.

That's awesome!

Serious.

Where is that
fuckin' Julian?

We're moving in!

What's up, old people?

Julian!

[Cory] Excuse me,
where are you going?

You can't go in
those rooms. Hold on!

[Marguerite]
I'm taking number 8

and I'm not paying that
first month of rent either.

[Cory]
Wait!

Fuck, buddy,
I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, it's all right.

I guess it was...

kind of too fancy
for me, anyway really.

On the bright side,
you can come live at the motel

with Ricky and I,
you know?

Until we get everything
figured out.

Yeah, I'd like that.

I love you, man.

Love you too, Julian.

Hey, Jim.

- Hey, Julian.
- You did it.

You always wanted
Sunnyvale all to yourself.

It's all yours, bud.

You're a winner, man.

Let's go home.

Whassup, dude?

Dude, it was crazy.
We saw a frigging Sasquatch!

Ricky shot at it
and scared it away.

It was nuts!

Whoa! Are you
serious, dude?

Yeah.

Oh, he's
serious. He uh,

he took care of basically
everything. So...

I'm fucking turned
on right now.

Can we do this
right now, please?

Let's do it
in the shower.

Cory, shampoo and
two towels. Let's go!

Let's go!
Let's go!

- Let's go!
- No showers, dude.

All the seniors
from Sunnyvale came

and they
were stankin'.

They're all
showering at once?

I hope you turned up
the fucking pressure.

Well, I thought about it but then
I ignored the thoughts

just like
Julian said.

I did nothing.

What the fuck is
wrong with your brain?

Go turn up the
fucking pressure!

- Uh... uh...
- [indistinct comments]

It's the other
way, dummy.

Fuck.

[struggling]
Fuck off!

Ah! Fuck!

[plumbing rumbling]

What the fuck?

- [yells]
- [Cory] Oh... shit.

What the fuck!

Way to go, Cory!

What the fuck's
going on here?

Julian's going to
fucking kill you, Cory!

- Holy fuck!
- Holy shit...

Oh, my fuck.

[screaming]

I'm sorry.
It's... It's him!

Way to go, Cory!

You've just completely
fucked the entire motel!

I didn't do
anything.

Fuck!

[drunken humming]

[bottles clinking]

[Bubbles] The valves are all
stripped, Julian.

I can't get it off.

The fucking floors
are just done

Even the walls are
getting all gummy.

It's done.

So you have no idea how this
happened, huh, Rick?

Bullshit!

It wasn't my
fucking fault, okay?

Things just got fucked.

I wanted to get banged,
things got hooked up

and then all these old cocksuckers
took over the showers.

It's Cory's fault.
You told him not to think

and he didn't fucking think.
He fucked it up.

My fault?
No way, dude.

I did a good job, man.

I met two people today

that said I did
such a good job

that they're coming
back to make an offer.

Someone's going
to make an offer?

Yeah, dude,
I got your back.

Well, they're
sure as fuck

not going to
make an offer now!

You put that
fucking hand down!

Thank you to whoever
fucked up my hotel,

whoever you are.

How in the fuck

are we going to get
Sunnyvale back now?

Huh?

Thank you, guys!

Way to go, Cory.

Hey, Cory,
great job.

- Oh, right. It's National Opposite Month.
- [sobbing]

You suck, dawg.

J-Roc, leave him alone.

It's all right, Cory.

I give up, man.

[panting]

Guess it's just...

me and you now, bud.

Oh-h-h-h!

Oh!

Got a nick... pickle

All the day...
you have good luck... hm!

Ah!

[sighing]

I'll never fucking
doubt you again, buddy.

It was a craziest
fucking thing I've ever seent.

Forward fast through
all this shit.

[Julian] That's fucked!

I know I said I didn't want
full insurance at the time,

but is there any way you can
slide it on there now,

- for fuck's sakes?
- Keep going.

[Julian] Yes, I'll fucking hold.
Just hurry the fuck up!

Keep forwarding fast.

- Where is it?
- Past this shit.

I don't see
anything.

Just a second.
It's coming up.

Hit go! Hit go!
It's right here.

Look at that
fucking thing!

[Bubbles]
My fucking God!

- That's a fucking Samsquamptch!
- I know!

[Bubbles] Jesus Christ, Ricky,
you got him.

What did he sound like?

It was just kind
of groany and shit.

You should've smelt
the fucking thing.

Oh, I know. They're
dirty, rotten, filthy whores!

It must be
just a baby.

It's only like
six feet tall.

- My God!
- All right, thanks a lot.

- Cool, huh?
- Flood insurance is a no-go.

Oh, for fuck's sakes!

What are we
going to do now?

That Squamtch
is out there.

He's worth a lot of money.

If he's only a six-footer,

I bet you we can take
that cocksucker down.

- [chuckling]
- [sighing]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck...

[whisper]
Fucka.