Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 9, Episode 7 - Piss - full transcript

- Thank you, Tyrone.
- [Tyrone] No problem, Ms. Lahey.

I got you.

[screaming]

Jim!

Oh my God!

Hey, Barb. How was
the girls' night?

[whimpering]

- [Jim] What's the matter?
- [whimpering]

Oh...

[slurring] Randy and I were
just practicing

for a play in the bl...



- [whimper]
- Sorry, Barb.

Things got a little
out of hand.

A little out of hand?

Oh, my God!

And to think that
I was going to sleep with you again!

Look, I'm ready
when you are, Barb.

Oh, my God!

You said that it was over
between you and Randy!

See you later,
Mr. Lahey.

Well, needless
to say,

we're done, Jim Lahey!
[sobbing]

Well...

I guess this calls for
a little drinkie-poo.

[singing]
♪ Lahey, Lahey Crockett ♪



♪ King of the wild frontier ♪

[choking, coughing]

[laughing, coughing]

[croaking]
Ah!

Whoo!

[theme music playing]

You guys all set?

Mow-Em-$ayin's up
and rolling, Jules, y'know I mean?

[J-Roc] We got lawn mahfuckers,
we got whizziper-snizzipers

to fuck over the flowers in the park,
y'know m'sayin'?

And check it out, dawg.

We even got hard tack to
look like hard crack, huh!

Crack? This shit don't
look like crack.

Have you ever
even seen crack?

Fuckin' rights,
I seen crack.

When I was in the joint,
that's what's real.

You been to jail,
white boy?

Fuckin' rights.
Three times, my man.

Last time was for
assaulting a police officer, too. Huh.

Oh, shit.

You beat up a
Five-O for real?

Uh-huh.

Mahfucker stepped to me,
you know I mean?

What was I supposed
to dizzoo?

In that moment I was, like...

I can try to run for my lice

or I could b-bap.

So that's what I did and
he went down flat on he back.

I took the mahfucker out.

He must be still
in the hospital.

He is, man.

But for different reasons.

He has some
personal issue.

But the point is,
I didn't want to tell you, dawg.

You know why?

I don't want you
to copy my lice.

I want you to have
your own lice.

That's why I want you
to do as I si-zay,

not as I di-zoo, dawg.

And that's what's up.

Don't worry,
I won't do that shit.

[Julian] All right, we gotta
roll, you guys.

- A'ight. You ready, fam?
- Yeah.

Collect your crack,
put it in the baggy.

The rest, we'll leave
these mints as a treat

for when we get
back, a'ight?

Maybe we'll go
through drive-thru

- and get a slushie on our way.
- Yeah.

Don't forget
your crack.

And remember
what I said.

Five-O step to you,
you talkin' about,

"I found it on the ground, I'm lookin' for
a public trash to put it in."

- A'ight?
- Yeah!

Nice fucking work,
Jacob, man!

You're really starting to get
like Hank at this.

Who's Hank?

I don't fucking know
him personally, dummy.

He's the guy they talk about
when you get good at something.

Anyway, man,
good job.

This is fucking awesome.

It feels good not
to be breaking the law anymore.

- You're such a great granddad, Ricky.
- Thanks, man.

- [Julian] Hey, Ricky.
- Hey.

Look, man, that appraiser's coming
to Sunnyvale today,

so we've got to make
sure that inspection doesn't go well.

I'm going to need you to help J-Roc
fuck over the park.

I can't go to
the fucking park today.

I'm supervising Jacob.

He needs me. You know
how fucking dumb he is.

No offense, Jacob.

All right, it's not a big
deal, I guess, you know.

It's probably not going
to be that big of a deal

for you to tell
Lucy that it was all your fault.

What was my
fucking fault?

That the park was
sold to some company

because you couldn't
come up with a way

to fucking scare
the appraiser off.

Like fuck I can't.
That's a fucking joke. I can do that.

All right, then. Good.

Okay, so I can do
whatever the fuck I want?

Just don't go too
fucking crazy.

[knocking]

Julian, could I have
a little word with you?

[Julian]
Is everything okay?

Uh. It's, um...
It's Jim.

Apparently, he got
drunk last night

and apparently he and Randy...
[sobbing]

That's horrible.

That's awful, Barb.
I'm real sorry to hear it.

Ah, It's fine.

It's fine, I'm fine.
It's good, actually.

Um, it's just...

I could use your help
showing the park to the appraiser today.

Can you... can you...
[clears throat] can you do that, Julian?

I'd love to,

but I've got way
too much shit to do here, Barb.

Oh, Julian, please.

I really need
this deal to go through.

I'm done with Sunnyvale.
Please, Julian.

All right, for you.
I'll help you out.

But just
one condition.

- This comes in with me.
- Oh, thank you!

[quiet chuckle]

[Julian] Everything
will be okay.

Okay.
[sobbing]

How much...
How much longer,

for Christ's sake,
Bubbles?

It's not going to be
much longer now.

Just make sure you've got your
money out, everybody.

I could eat the arse
out of a goddamn skunk!

Jesus Christ,
it's a lunch buffet.

It's going to be
ready at lunch.

I've got a big, dirty
buffet happening today.

It's coming down to
the fucking wire with Eon's.

I've got to make
a payment on that shed

and the furniture and
all the shit I bought

or I'm going to fucking
lose everything.

Larry, put the
fucking chips down!

[crunching]

Sorry I'm late.
I overslept.

30 or 40 seconds might
constitute "overslept".

Three hours

is direct insubordination,
soldier.

I'm not a frigging soldier.

I'm an assistant
trailer park supervisor.

Why do you smell
of liquor?

Did you bring alcohol into
this park again, soldier?

No, I didn't bring
alcohol in this park.

And my name is Randy,
you frigging jerk.

I want my walkie back.

You had no right
to take it, Leslie.

It's my personal walkie.

You will address me
as "Colonel"!

I did not do
four tours of duty in the Gulf

to be disrespected
by some hairy-assed bowling ball.

Four tours?

I thought you told
Mr. Lahey you only did two.

[approaching vehicle]

You know the drill, Julian.
Ditch the drink.

Leslie, why are you
dressed like that?

I've got appraisers
coming to look at the park today

and I want them
to see it as warm and inviting,

not a bloody
army base.

With all due respect,
a rule is a rule.

Well, with all due
respect, Leslie,

are you an employee
of this park or not?

My mission is
to maintain...

[Barb] You're not
on a mission.

You were hired to do
two simple tasks,

one of which was to
keep Jim Lahey sober,

which you failed
at miserably

because he got drunk
last night.

Drunk?

Yes! Some would
say wasted!

And made some
bad life choices!

So would you please go over
to Jim's trailer

and keep him there,

and let the adults take care
of the park.

- Open the goddamn gate!
- [engine ignition]

Cheers.

Close the
goddamn gate!

Goddammit!

[Ricky] I'm in charge of
fucking over the park

when it get appraisalled today

and, as luck would have it,
it's piss-jug season.

I've done more community
service than anyone

and over the years
I've figured out the scientifics of it.

Truckers grab coffee
in Moncton

but don't have time to rock
a piss and three hours later,

they're coming through here
and they can't hold it.

My old man used to call it
Piss-Jug Alley.

Dude, look what
I found.

No fucking way!

This came out
of the old man.

Looks like he was
fucking drinking, too.

Yeah. Home-made
fucking wine.

Good find, Cory.

The old man's
fucking piss.

- [music playing]
- [chatter]

Neapolitan Charlie,
that's not for fucking with.

- [meowing]
- Jesus.

[Julian]
Hey, Bubbs.

Julian, check
out the line-up.

A couple more
hours like this,

I'll be able to squeak by
for a few more weeks.

Look, buddy, you've
got to wrap this up as soon as possible.

There's going to be
some shit going down soon.

What?
What kind of shit?

I don't know exactly
but Ricky's coming by to do some stuff.

What the fuck are you talking about?
What kind of stuff?

[Barb] Hello,
Mister, uh...?

Pencock, Ron.

Ah, Mr. Pencock.
Well, I am Barb Lahey

and welcome to, uh,
to Sunnyvale Villas.

I'm so glad that
you could be with us here today.

Nice to meet
you, darlin'.

You must be Jim.

No, I'm Julian.

Ah, yeah,
this is Julian.

He's one of the shareholders
here at the park.

And who do we have here?

So where would
you like to begin first?

Oh, the best thing would
probably be to...

Oh, bottle kids!

[glass shattering]

[Bubbles screaming]

Get going,
you little bastards!

I am so sorry,
Mr. Pencock.

We have never, never
had that happen here before, ever.

I did not see that one coming.
[chuckling]

[approaching vehicle]

Jim?

What have you done, Jim?

[howl of desperation]

[hip hop music blaring]

[whir of weed-whacker]

Frig off!

Take my walkie,
you frigging psycho.

Richard Dawson?

Jim Perry?

Fergie Oliver?

What the frig?

Private!

I'm not going to
buttercoat this, Jacob.

What we're about to do
is as dangerous as fuck

but it's for our family,
so it's worth it.

[sniffling]

Why in the fuck
are you crying?

I don't want
to die, Ricky.

Jesus Christ, we're
not going to fucking die.

I just meant we might get
shot at or something.

Sorry, Ricky.

What the fuck
is all that?

Armor. Mad Max shit, dude!
Rah-h-h!

Nice fucking
job, Cory.

[bong bubbling]

All right, boys,
let's get suited up.

Both of you take a hit off this,
get in the zone.

Especially you, Jacob,
you fuckin' pussy.

[sniffling]
Thanks.

- [inhaling]
- [bubbling]

[long exhale]

[inhaling]

Ahhhh!

I'm not sure
exactly what's going on here.

I can assure,
you the seniors

usually take
great pride

- in their yards, don't they, Julian?
- Usually.

[laughing]
I did think

it was an interesting
bit of landscaping.

- [booming bass coming from bus]
- Well, I can assure you, Mr. Pencock,

that we here
at Sunnyvale

take pride in creating a sense
of community.

- This is not just a place to...
- [bass becoming louder]

[speaking louder]
...to park your trailer.

Y'all want to buy
some crack, fat boy?

Oh, we don't have
any crack here at Sunnyvale!

What about the
crack between them titties?

[Rocpile laughing]

Just get right on that bus there,
little man!

Hold your mouths,
mahfuckers, y'know m'sayin'?

You don't do that, man.

Sorry about this,
you know,

Barb's out of the loop lately
with the gang activity.

But you know...

Don't worry about it. All right?

I see.

[music continues]

Hey, Bubbs, how's
it going, man?

It's not going great,
actually, Julian.

Old people apparently like
to put things on credit.

And J-Roc keeps
driving up and down here

blasting "Clap Your Turd Cutter".

[whispering]
These people don't have turd cutters.

You haven't seen
Ricky, though, huh?

No, I haven't seen
him and that's just fine and dandy.

Why are you looking for him?
What's going on?

Jesus Christ, Ricky,
where the fuck are you?

[Ricky] You guys ready
to take it up a notch?

Hit them hard
from the roof-tops.

Okay, let's hit them
with everything we caught.

[Cory] Dude, I can hardly
move in this.

[Ricky] You'll be happy you had
it on when a rubber bullet

tags you in the fucking
bag, trust me.

I would like to apologize,
Mr. Pencock,

and assure you that
kids throwing bottles

and trying to sell crack here
in Sunnyvale Villas

is not a normal
occurrence.

So I'd like you
to bear that in mind

when you're making
your appraisal.

I make an unbiased
assessment based on what I see

and give it to
the client, ma'am.

Somebody will
be in contact.

Can we give you
some lunch for all your troubles?

Oh, I think
that Mr. Pencock

has a lot of appointments
to get to, Julian.

I probably should
be getting going.

[Julian] Come on! All-you-can-eat
buffet on the house, man.

[Bubbles]
What?

Oh, I am
a bit peckish.

- Are you fucking insane?
- Trust me.

- Look at the size of him.
- Just trust me.

Hah, I missed breakfast.

[whispering]
I fucking doubt that.

[Pencock]
Ooh, what do we have here?

[Jim]
Barb!

Oh, God, Jim!

I've been looking
everywhere for you!

I'm sorry I drilled
Randy... [indistinct]

Jim, please, not now!

Jim? As in Lahey?

At your cervix.

You must be
Mr. Pencilcock.

Pencock.

And he calls me Pencilcock.
[laughing]

[Leslie]
Jim!

Let's go.

- Fuck off, Leslie!
- [thudding]

[Bubbles screaming]
Incoming!

Pull!

[screaming]

[man]
Incoming!

Pull!

Sweet potato!
What is happening?

Pull!

- [panicked shouts]
- Run for your lives!

- Pull!
- [laughing] Yeah!

Holy fuck,
this thing's awesome, Cory.

What did you say
it's called?

It's called a canapulp,
dude. It's Roman.

- Load!
- Pull!

Leslie, you're supposed
to be protecting this park!

Oh, Mr. Pencock,
I am so sorry! This has never...

Pull!

[Barb] Yeah, I'm so...
[whimpering]

- [crying]
- [cats yowling]

- Load!
- Pull!

[Bubbles] Julian thought
it'd be a good idea

to put Ricky in charge
of fucking up the appraisal of the park.

And it was a terrible idea

'cause when you tell Ricky
he can do whatever he wants,

his brain immediately
goes to piss.

And the next thing you know

the fucking sky is
raining down with piss-jugs.

And Ricky doesn't hold back,

he goes right
to fucking Piss-Jug Alley

and gets the gnarliest
old pisses he could find.

Look at that.

That's a dehydrated piss,
probably 20 years old.

Unbelievable.

Jim, what happened?

I want answers.

You want answers?

I think I'm entitled!

You want answers?

I want the truth.

You can't handle
the truth.

Ha! Get it?
Jack Nicholsimp.

Jim...

You were so close
to retiring, goddammit!

Well,
the truth is...

I did retire.

I retired from
not drinking. Ha!

And you know what?

It feels
fucking good.

The liquor
feels like...

like a familiar pair of slippers
that you put on,

sitting in front
of the fire.

The liquor feels...

like a child's arms
around your neck

with nothing
to give but love.

The liquor
feels like...

it feels
like home.

You know what,
Leslie Dancer?

I don't think
your services

are required around
Sunnyvale anymore.

Pardon me?

I'm going to have
to let you go, bud.

You're fired,
Leslie!

Frig off!

You think
you can fire me

in the middle
of a war?

A war?
Hee-hee!

This is just a regular day
in Sunnyvale, bud.

Cheers!

The mission is
not accomplished

and I have no intention of going
anywhere, soldier!

A colonel never
leaves his post.

You're not
a frigging colonel!

I found
your military ID

that says
you're only a private.

Wait a minute!

You're private--

[howling]
Don't you fucking say it!

- [gun cocking]
- Shut your goddamn mouth!

Shut your mouth,
Randy.

The goddamn booze
did this!

It needs to be
destroyed!

Pick it up!

Pick it up now!

Hop to, fat boy!
Hop to!

Me, too?

You, too,
you furball!

[brakes & tires screeching]

I can't fucking wait
to see the look on George's face.

It's going to be
fucking awesome!

- Fuck!
- Oh, sorry, Ricky.

I was supposed to put
that in the garden.

- The fuck is it?
- It's call a ge-nome.

Lucy got it for George
for his birthday.

[door opens]

[George]
Great.

What do you want, Rick?
We just sat down to dinner.

Oh, you guys have
dinners, do you?

Yeah, we have dinner.
It's nothing major.

I'll say. These are the cheap
chicken fingers.

You can tell 'cause
of the tiny little crumblies on them.

- What do you want, Rick?
- Nothing, really.

I just stopped by
to tell Lucy

how fucking awesome
I was today at the park.

And because I was awesome,
we're going to get it back.

So I'm moving us, my fucking family,
back there to live.

What do you think?

What?

Okay, look.

Things here are
going pretty well.

Um, it's warm
and there's running water

and the baby
is happy. So...

Lucy, I'm going to get
my trailer back.

It's warm.
It's got running water.

And I'll get
you guys fucking corndogs

and pepperoni and
chicken fingers,

except I'll get
the good kind,

not these old
shitty ones,

these little fucking
chicken sticks.

So let me guess.
You're banging him again.

Well, he's letting,
us stay here, so...

You heard
the lady, bud.

Probably just
best you move on.

Trin, what about you?

I have to do what's
best for Moe.

Maybe once you get
your trailer back.

So...

Let's dig in.

Fucking ge-nome shitty
crumbly chicken stick

fucking family-stealing
asshole.

- [glass shattering]
- Sorry, Georgie!

I accidentally flung
your fucking birthday present

through your
neighbor's window!

Fucking asshole.

[engine ignition]

It looks like this
is the end of...

Do you want to know
something funny, bud?

You can destroy
this liquor

but you'll never
destroy the liquor

'cause it's bigger
than all of us.

It's bigger than you.
It's bigger than me.

It's even bigger
than Randy!

[cackling]

It looks like
we're out of liquor, buddy.

We better
hit the LC.

We're gonna get
drunk tonight.

- Big time.
- Let's go.

[sobbing]

Oh, God!

[sniffling]

[gasping]
Barb!

Oh, God.

Oh, Donna,
I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you were still back there.

My God, what are
you crying for?

Oh...

They just called about the appraisal,
which is screwed.

And Jim is drinking.

Oh, men are
fucked anyways!

Don't think about it.

I really thought that this time
it was different.

Oh, look,
I'm a mess!

Oh my God, don't
be ridiculous!

Look at those lashes!
You're gorgeous!

Oh, yeah,
look at my face.

Oh, I wish you could see yourself
the way I see you.

You know what
your problem is?

You need a
nice massage.

Oh, God, I really
don't, Donna...

Yes, you do!
Come on.

Honestly, Donna.

Let me give you
a nice massage.

I just don't think
I can...

Oh, you're
so uptight!

You need a nice
massagee-poo.

[sobbing]

[Donna]
Come on...

[Barb crying]

Jesus Christ.

It looks like you did all right,
considering, man.

No, I didn't do
all right!

I'm fucked, Julian,
thanks a lot, thanks.

Look, man, I'm sorry

but I had no idea
Ricky was going to do that, okay?

We had to fuck
over the park.

It had to be
done, man.

Yeah. Yeah, you borrow
money off me,

which you don't even
fucking pay back.

Then you wreck
any chance I have

at making
legitimate money.

Like, I'm fucked here,
Julian. Look at this.

My payments are due...
what's that say?

Don't pay attention
to that garbage.

Final Notice!

They'll give you
an extension.

Oh, they'll give me a fucking extension,
will they? Yeah?

Listen to this.

[recorded voice]
This is a message from Eon's.

Your account is
in serious arrears,

please make payment
in full by tomorrow

or your account will be handed over
to our collection department.

Thank you for not
paying a cent at...

You know whose
voice that is, Julian?

You know whose voice
that is on there?

That's a computer's
fucking voice,

which means they're
not fucking around.

I'm in the system here.
This is serious!

Look, man, I'm sorry
but I'm telling you.

I honestly did not know
Ricky was going to do that.

Oh, you didn't know what Ricky
was going to do, did you?

[Ricky on voice mail]
Hey, Bubbles. How's it going?

I heard your buffet got fucked over today
with the piss bombs

and I wanted to apologize,
but I can't really

because Julian told me
to fuck the park over

so it's all his fault.

- Okay, buddy? Talk to you later.
- He's fucking lying.

I had nothing to do
with the piss bomb attack.

You had to have known...
I did nothing, man!

You knew something
was going down.

You know what, Julian?

I think I'd rather
just be alone right now.

So just do a
Michael Jackson, please.

Michael Jackson?

- Beat it.
- Are you serious?

Beat it.

No one wants
to be defeated.

[cat meowing]

♪ It doesn't matter
who's wrong or right ♪

[whimpering]

[distant barking]

- [roar of airplanes approaching]
- [gunfire]

[groaning]

[distant sound of helicopters]

[explosions]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck...

[whisper]
Fucka.