Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 9, Episode 3 - Anointed in Liquor - full transcript

[grunt]

I'm a little bit nervous
being out here in the woods

you know, with all the
Samsquamptch sightings,

but I don't really
have a choice.

The seniors are
digging my pancakes.

They think they're the best pancakes
this side of Quebec,

and they fucking are.

It's 'cause of one thing.
It's 'cause of my syrups.

The different syrups I make.

You know, most people make,
like, a maple syrup

but I've been tapping
different types of trees,



with a little bit of
hemlock for a little tang.

And I've been adding
spruce gum, you know.

It makes it chewy and
it's nice on their gums.

They get in there,
chewing it,

and it soothes their gums,
you know, so it's...

[clatter]
[creature grunting]

[whispering]
...the fuck is that?

Something's fucking
with my buckets.

[sniffing] What the fuck?
You can smell him.

It's a Samsquamptch. He's
a gassy son of a whore, too.

I should just
get out of here.

Oh, my fuck.

Holy shit!

Samsquamptch's fur.



The cocksucker was probably
sucking right on the tap.

[sniff]

Holy fuck...

Look at that.

He's a fucking
8-to-10 footer.

He's... Where are
we going to go?

We've got to get
the fuck out of here!

[theme music plays]

[hens cackling]
[goat bleating]

Careful with that
stuff, little buddy.

That weed's from the
captain's cupboard.

- Did you have a good sleep?
- [horn beeping]

Just give me a minute, T.

Hey, sweetheart,
you're up early.

It's almost noon.

What's wrong with you?

What? What is it?

Well, Trin's just
worried that...

My daughter can speak her
own words out, dick snot.

What are you
worried about, Trin?

You know that I love you
and I want to stay with you

but you promised
we'd only be here for one night.

And now you're
hanging up artwork.

You're not going to have your fucking baby
in a goddamn barn.

T's outside right now.
Me and Jacob are going to go with him.

We're going to do
whatever the fuck it takes

to find a place for
this family to live. Today.

Please don't do anything illegal
and go back to jail.

You have
to promise me.

- Please.
- Fine.

I promise that I won't
do anything illegal.

'kay? If you
need anything,

you can get us on channel 7,
all right?

Just try to relax.
You need to relax, Trin.

Just watch some
movies with Willy or something.

Come on, let me see
that beautiful smile.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

All right,
we'll see you soon.

And Willy, if you've got to piss, bud,
remember to go outside. Okay?

- [goat bleating]
- I love you more than everything.

See you soon.

[cat meowing]

My Cutlass was
in mint condition,

and now it's on
fucking blocks

with no doors
and no wheels!

Cocksucker!
Serious prick-play, man.

So is there anything
legal I can do here?

Can I sue him, or...?

Well, I mean technically
it's a conflict of interest

because I represent the little piss-cutter
in some other matters.

But he has fucked over
some other people I know.

Look, what if I told you
instead of just getting your stuff back,

you could acquire
the entire property?

How the fuck am I
going to do that?

Ah, well, well,
well, well...

Tommy is six months behind
on his mortgage payments.

He's almost two years behind
on his property taxes.

Now, say a fella like yourself
were to walk into a bank with a contract,

that I could draw up, you know,
for a small cash fee,

stating that you could catch up
on the mortgage payments

and clear any
outstanding taxes,

why, you could steal that place
from under that little dick worm.

What do you think, yeah?

It sounds good but...

I don't have
any fucking money.

You've got shares,
don't you?

- Ahh...
- Huh?

Man, I wish I could take you guys
right in the park, man,

but that Leslie dick
is fucking crazy.

He searches the car
every time now, man.

It's all good, T.
I'm going in old school, man.

Leslie can suck it.
Just pull up by that manhole there.

Holy fuck!
This weighs a fucking ton!

What the fuck are you doing?
Just get it off!

Here, give me
the fucking thing!

Son of a fucking whore!
It's not that heavy, you fucking pussy!

[straining]

- All right, thanks.
- Good luck.

[Ricky] I'll meet you guys
on Slutson Road.

Call me when you
finish at the bank.

Right on.
Thanks, man.

Hey, Bubbs,
what you doing?

Protection, Julian.

I'm not letting any 10-foot,
slimy slut of a Samsquamptch

take me the fuck out.

Bubbs, th-they
don't exist, man.

Oh, they don't exist?
Well, look at that.

You tell me
what that is.

- Smell that.
- Jesus Christ!

What the fuck
is that?

It's fucking
Samsquamptch hair.

It was all over
my fucking maple syrup taps.

And you saw one?

Mmm, I didn't see him,
but I fucking smelled him.

Gassy whore!

Do I even have
to ask you

why you have a fucking greasy lawyer
coming out of there?

It's just a business
thing I'm doing.

But, listen, man, I need to borrow
some money off you, okay?

Just for
a few days.

Jesus Christ, I don't have money
to lend you, Julian.

- Come on...
- [Ricky] Fuck! Fuck you!

- [dogs barking]
- Yeah!

Hey, boys.

Can't keep me out of the fucking park.
I'm too smart.

Fuck...

Hey, dude. What's up?
Where's Jacob?

Do you know if
we're hanging later?

No talking, Cory.
Hey, Bubbs.

Ricky, what the fuck
are you doing here?

- Are you insane?
- I just was wondering

if I could borrow 200 bucks
to get my car back?

What am I, a fucking bank?
You need money too?

What do you mean, "too"?

I need money for this little business
thing I'm setting up.

I guarantee it's way
more fucking important

than getting
your car back.

- More important?
- Yeah.

I need my fucking car back to find a place
for my family to live

and get them out of the barn.
How's my trailer?

Are you comfortable
in there?

- It's pretty cozy, actually.
- Boys, calm the fuck down.

Look, I've got about 400 fucking
dollars to my name

but I need that for
my Eon's payment.

I can't be doling
it out to people.

I'll have it back to you
by the end of the day, okay?

- I need my car in order to go... to work.
- Pffft!

Go... [silent mouthing] work?

I know what that means
when you start doing that, Ricky.

- Fumbling your fucking words.
- How about this:

I take the 200, get my car back,
then I can go... work,

get that money,
I'll give it to Julian,

he'll be "repawnible"
to pay you back.

Look, you get me
the money by this afternoon,

take me to the bank,
I'm good with that.

- What do you say, Bubbs?
- [heavy sigh]

- Come on, buddy.
- Fuck's sakes!

- I'll loan you the goddamn money...
- Yeah!

...only because
I love you guys,

but I don't trust either of you
as far as I can fucking throw you.

So I'm coming with you to make sure
you don't do anything fucking stupid.

Oh, fuck,
here we go!

[Bubbles] Ricky, do not fuck
with this guy.

I bet you think you're so clever,
infiltrating this compound!

Well, bully for you!

How did you do it?

Actually, I just closed my eyes
and dreamed my way in, dick lunch!

You're in a whole lot
of trouble, Richard.

Do something stupid,
dick weed.

- Yeah?
- I dare you.

Listen, Colonel weird fuck.
I'm leaving.

Lucky for you I don't want any trouble.
I would destroy you.

You do realize
you're old, right?

Sonny, I used to get piss-drunk
on a crate of whisky

and take out 10 guys
your size just for the hell of it.

That was in the Falklands in '82.

Or was it Grenada '83?
I forget.

One beachhead
looks much the same as another...

when you're drunk.

[chuckling]

You know what else looks much the same
when you're drunk?

Two of these fucking things.

Fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you, Mohawk.

Get the fuck
out of my way!

He's one powerful brute of a man,
isn't he, Randy?

You don't actually
believe all of his ridiculous war stories,

- do you, Mr. Lahey?
- [Ricky] Hey, boys!

Meet me on Slutson Road.

T's there in the Axi with Jacob.

Hey, Ricky, say hi
to Jacob for me, okay?

[Ricky]
Fuck off! Just worry

about blowing up
that cock.

Cory, forget about your little
boyfriend for a sec.

I have to go do some
stuff with Julian.

I'm going to leave
you in charge of operations.

Do not fuck
this up.

Cool, man, I got this.

All right,
let's go, Bubbs.

- Hey, Jules.
- Hey, Jimmy. How's it going, buddy?

Great. I got some super news
this morning.

Oh yeah,
what's that?

Seems that
there's an investor

who's very interested
in buying Sunnyvale.

Are you fucking serious?

Only, it's kind of a sticky,
shit-covered situation, Jules.

Why's that?

Well, it seems this investor's
a straight shooter.

Everything by the book.
And I'm worried

that if he finds out about your extensive
criminal record,

it might jeopardize
our deal.

So Barb and I
have been talking

and we wondered if maybe
you'd be willing to sign over your shares.

- Temporarily.
- [sighing]

I mean, they'd still be
yours, just not on paper.

Why couldn't you
have told me this yesterday?

I'm using my shares
as collateral

in this little business thing
I'm signing off on today.

- Fuck!
- Oh, man.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

But, if there's
anything I can do for you...

Holler, man.

All right,
let's go, Bubbs.

All right, Jacob.
Quick and dirty.

Let's hit that one first.
Cop car?

Yeah, they got
full size spares

and they think people are too stupid
to break into them. You're not.

I'll show you the button
to pop the trunk.

Let's go.
Quick, quick.

[Bubbles whispering]
Why would he have to do a cop car?

- Nice.
- [Julian] 'Cause he's fucked.

Take the spare tire
and put it in the garbage

and it's pretty
much legal.

There's a
'70s Newport.

Same bolt pattern as the Yorker.

You've got your slim jim?

- Yeah.
- All right, get the fuck in there.

Ricky, what in
your fucking brain

makes you think that
this isn't illegal?

Well, maybe what
he's doing is a little bit illegal

but I'm just
collecting garbage.

I'm doing the
city a favor.

- Rick, Rick, Rick...
- What?

[Bubbles]
Oh, Jesus Christ.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Hi...

Hey, how's it going?
We're from CCA.

We're just here to replace
your tire for you.

Well, I never had any
flat tires, though.

Yeah, we thought that
was a little weird but you called us.

No, I never called you.

Must be your wife
or your husband.

- How did you get into my car?
- I don't know.

It's a good thing we came 'cause
that tire's about to fucking explode.

It could've
hurt somebody.

- Hey, how are ya?
- Really?

I've never heard of
such a thing before.

It happens all the time.
It kills a lot of fucking people.

- Yeah?
- Actually, it's a good thing we came.

- Well...
- Got any smokes on you, bud?

- I'm fucking dying here.
- Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

I'll take a couple there,
if you don't mind.

- Two, yeah?
- Yeah.

And we'll get rid of that tire,

- so it doesn't blow up and hurt somebody.
- Okay, I guess.

Just buy another one at
the auto place or whatever.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Good job, Jacob.
Whew.

Let's go get my car!

You know what?

It's really cool that
Bubbles trusts me enough

to run this place all by myself,
you know what I'm saying?

And it's going awesome!

The only thing is that
I miss Jacob, though.

It's hard having him
not much around lately.

Almost.

[Bubbles]
Ricky!

Ricky, you can't
take the car

until you fucking
get it registered and inspected.

Yeah, sorry, boys.
It's right here in the police report.

Well, cut my balls
and slap my cock!

- What the fuck's going on, Reggie?
- Hey, kitten-fucker!

- Good to see you!
- How long have you been out?

A couple of days.

Hey, this is fucking
great timing.

You can really
help me with this.

I just picked up a fuckwad
of Purple Cheese clones.

You can move
them for me.

Ohh, man...

This is probably
the best clone guy in Canada.

I'd love to help you out,
but I'm trying to go straight.

You're killin' me right now.

You're going straight?

You know, Ricky,
why don't you fuck yourself straight?

I wouldn't mind
picking up some clones.

Jacob, you couldn't
get a "cactnus" growed.

Reggie, I can't
be dealing with this bullshit right now.

I haven't even started work.
Are we cool here or what?

What, you want me
to kill this?

- If you can.
- Yeah, fuck it! We're cool, brother.

- Good to see you, man.
- Hey.

You decide to start growing again,
you know where to find me.

- I appreciate it, but I'm done.
- All right.

- See you, Reggie.
- See you, guys.

"Kitten-fucker"?

...give me baloney?
Or is that supposed to be liverwurst?

[mixed abusive comments]

Oh, gosh, I don't know.
He's a busy, busy boy.

- Hey, Barb, is Donna around?
- Right there.

See you tomorrow,
Sherry.

- Thank you.
- Have a good one.

I made you
lunch, Donna.

Cheeseburger and onion ring egg rolls,
my new specialty.

Jesus, Randy, a tossed salad
would've been nice.

That greasy shit
goes straight to my fuck-handles.

Sorry.

I was trying to do something
sweet for you.

Oh, making me
fat is sweet?

They sound
delicious, Randy.

- I'll eat them.
- Thanks, Mr. Lahey.

At least someone
appreciates my effort.

Oh, please, Randy.

You're going to start
liking men again?

Stay the hell
away from my work.

Mrs. Tremblay?
We're ready for you.

Jim. So how did it
go with Julian?

- Oh, not great, Barb.
- [groans]

But, say,
I was thinking

of planking a salmon
tonight for supper.

- Can you come?
- [chuckling]

You silver-tongued devil!

- Maybe make it an early night...
- Well, we'll see.

Barb!

Are you seriously thinking of getting
back together with him?

Oh, I don't know, Sarah.
I just know it feels good.

And that's what I need right now:
to feel good.

I'll see you
same time tomorrow?

[sighing]

- T, are you all right?
- I'm all right.

You got any, like,
gum or breath mints or anything?

Yeah. Here.

You must be doing
something all right

'cause we have three ladies booked
for special massage

with you later today.

We're going to need something stronger
than this shit, then,

'cause it ain't working.

[Bubbles] Jesus Christ, Ricky,
why the fuck do we stop here right now?

[Rick]
Well... We need some...

We need some chips.

Oh, yeah? You're stopping
for fucking chips, are you?

This is for your
family, Jacob.

So don't fuck
this up, okay?

In and out,
and we only need $300 or $400.

I'm nervous, Ricky.
I'm not good at this kind of thing.

You don't need to
be fucking nervous.

Just tell them
we're borrowing the money,

we'll pay it back
in a couple weeks. Okay?

- Should be cool.
- Can't get in much trouble for that.

Guy that works here is really stupid,
should be all right.

Get some food. I'm starving.
And some other shit.

[Bubbles] Jesus Christ!
Does he have a mask on?

- [Jacob] Freeze!
- [Bubbles] Oh, my God!

I guess Jacob knows
the guy in here.

He's going to borrow
some money and other shit.

[Bubbles] Why has he got
a mask on, then?

[Trinity on two-way radio]
Dad... my ...ter broke...

What the fuck
did she say?

Fuck, I think she may have said
her water broke.

Water broke?
There's no plumbing in the fucking barn.

How the fuck does
the water break?

No, Ricky. That means
she might be having the baby.

- Get in!
- What the fuck?!

Holy fuck! Trin?
If you can hear me, we'll be right there.

Don't panic.
Everything's going to be okay.

[Jacob]
Get me out of here!

[Bubbles]
Fuck, Jacob, what did you do?

I know that's you, Trevor!
What the fuck, Ricky!

I'm sorry, boys.
It's for our family, I had no choice!

Will you fuck off with
the throwing shit!

- Fuck!
- Cocksucker!

You throw one more fucking thing,
I fucking bury you!

- Drive!
- Fucking goof!

[Jacob] That guy fucking
jammed on me!

Fuck.

[angry growl]

[Jacob]
Oh, man, am I cut bad?

Would you shut
the fuck up, Jacob!

Trinity's water
just broke.

I thought there was
no plumbing in the barn.

Oh, Jacob,
you stupid fuck-piss!

She's having the baby.
Trin? Can you hear me?

If you can hear me, try to keep
that thing in your body.

- We're almost there, sweetheart.
- Go around.

- We're almost there.
- [car horn blaring]

- [Trin screaming] Dad!
- Hang on, Trin! Daddy's here!

Everything's gonna be all right.

[Bubbles] Hang on, Trin! Go, Jacob!

Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on?

[gunshot]

- Ah, fuck!
- [Bubbles] Oh, fuck!

I'm fucking shot
again! Fuck this!

Jesus Christ, Ricky,
where are you shot?

[Trinity]
Dad!

- Trinity!
- Hang on, Trin, I'll be right there!

Ricky!

Hold your fire, asshole!

Will you fuck off with
the fucking shotgun!

My daughter's baby's
about to get fucking born in your barn!

- [Bubbles] Come on, Ricky.
- For Merciful Christ!

- Are you serious?
- [Trinity] Holy fuck!

Does she sound like she's joking,
you religious shotgun whore?

Holy fuck!

Maybe I can help.

I've delivered calves before.

Yeah, well, babies don't get born
from your fucking legs, you idiot!

How's that going
to fucking help?

[Trinity] Ahhh, ahhh!
Oh, my God!

[wailing]

Pick a lane, Julian.

Don't go too far, Willy.

An update, Jacob.
An update.

It's really close.
I can see its head.

[Bubbles]
What?

Way to go, Trin!
A couple more hard pushes!

Come on, honey.

Bring that fucking
thing into this world.

Ricky...
Come on, Trin. Fucking come on.

You can do this, Trin.
Keep pushing, sweetie.

Oh, my fuck...
Oh, my God.

Oh, my fuck!
It's a baby boy!

- [chuckling]
- Yes!

- Ricky!
- Fucking awesome!

You're a grandfather!
We're uncles, Jules.

[tickling]

- Take a sip, grampa.
- Are you serious?

- Yes, man.
- Thanks, man.

God.

- Congratulations, Trin.
- Congrats, Trin.

Congrats, my
beautiful daughter.

A baby fucking boy!
Jesus Christ!

This calls for a celebration, boys. Here!

What did you get, Jacob?

Air fresheners and
chocolate coins.

Fireworks.

Why didn't you steal
some fucking cigars?

Sorry, Bubbs.

Rick, I need
my drink back.

Oh, did I get some on him?
Sorry, little buddy.

You're going to be a little drinker
and a little smoker?

Oh my God, he's been
anointed in liquor.

[baby cooing]

Do you want to know something?

I am the luckiest
man in the world.

I have a fucking gramson.

Not to mention, I mean,
my beautiful daughter.

I have a new son-of-law.

I've got a wicked
willy-goat.

I've still got
Orangie here.

I mean, I don't really
have a great place to live and...

I don't have Lucy back.

She's probably
banging George.

Could even be
banging him right now.

Anyway, from now on,
my life is just all about family.

It's fucking awesome!

Want a hit,
Orangie?

There you go,
little buddy.

Here's your
cash, man.

Here's your
deed transfer.

Thank you.

And here's your, uh,
insurance papers.

Just sign that
for basic coverage.

Oh, and I checked
into that other thing.

There's no investor.

I knew he was fucking
bullshitting me, man.

Great.
Congratulations!

- You own a motel.
- Ah...

Hey, Tommy!

Oh, hey, Jules!

You got my greenbacks fast! Ha!

Hey, sorry about
your car again, man.

Listen, I'll take
100 bucks off the parking fee, okay?

Or maybe I should charge you 100 bucks
standing around fee

for trespassing
on my motel.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- This is mine now.

You shouldn't have been so fucking
far behind on your payments, Tommy.

Now get off my property
before I call the cops.

Hey man, you can't do this.
What about all my shit?

Don't worry, you'll get it back.
But it's going to cost you.

- Ohhh...
- Business is business, brother.

You're a back-stabbing,
conniving shitfuck, Julian!

- I will dent your fucking sku-- Oof!
- Tommy!

Go sell a bag of beans,
you pill-popping little fuck.

[Tommy] I will fucking
destroy you!

Who the fuck do you think
you're dealing with, man?

Fuck you, Tommy B.

You motherfucker,
I'll get you!

Ahhh!

Holy sweet
flying fuck!

What was I thinking
leaving Cory Cockbutter in charge?

[mixed abusive comments]

[Bubbles]
Calm down...

Calm down! What the
hell is going on?

What the fuck is going on?

Everybody just calm
down for a minute.

I can't, dude,
I'm scared.

Bubbles, what the
hell's going on here?

This is a serious
noise violation

that will result in fines if you do not
get this under control!

This little shit-guzzler

has been fucking up
big time all day

and we are not
taking it any more.

Okay, just everybody
calm down, please.

I obviously shouldn't have
left him in fucking charge

'cause he can't
do anything right.

I'm going to put on
free breakfast and coffee for everybody

in the morning
to make up for this.

Cory, get the fuck down
here and apologize.

I'm sorry for this,
Colonel Dancer.

Look, everybody listen.
I'm very sorry.

It's just... it's really hard...
you don't understand

when you have to run a place
like this by yourself.

Oh, shut up,
you fucking little cry-baby!

Bubbles, if this happens again,
there will be a hefty fine.

- Are we clear?
- Yes. Crystal clear.

And let's keep
a watch on the swearing, shall we?

[fake cough]
Fuck you.

That was just...
She's just clearing

- her throat, sir.
- Ahem!

You're lucky she didn't beat
the living shit out of you.

You're fucking right.
Well, I may yet.

What do you think, little buddy?
Thanks for the fur.

How's the new
granddad doing?

Where is everyone, man?

They're at the hospital.

Trinity's staying
there overnight.

- Want a drink?
- Cool.

What the fuck
is that thing?

It's a fucking
hair bear, man.

They were huge
in the '80s.

The old man couldn't afford a real one,
so he made me one.

I loved the fucking thing,
so I'm making one for Trin's baby.

Are you okay?

I figured you'd be
partying your ass off,

- celebrating, man.
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just...

I promised Trinity I wouldn't let
her fucking baby get born in a barn.

I still have no place to live.

I guess now I'm going to end up
taking her to fucking George's house,

that family-stealing
slut donkey.

Well, I've got a
surprise for you, man.

[keys jingling]

I just bought a motel.

You guys can all come and live with me,
even this little fucker.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Yeah, I bought it.

We can all live there,
work there together.

No more Lahey-Leslie bullshit.

We'll live a clean life, man.

- Holy fuck! Are you serious?
- Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, Julian...
You really are an awesome friend, man.

My family fucking thanks you.

Yeah, it's no problem, man.

Hey, man, do you want to smoke a joint
to celebrate?

Fuck, yeah!

Weed, hash or fucking oil?

You pick.

I can't fucking smoke
three at a time.

[sigh]

[choking, wheezing]

Here, take these
fucking things, you lunatic.