Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 9, Episode 2 - A Stable Fucking Environment - full transcript

["Reveille" bugle call]

What the fuck is that?

I think it's a
bugle trumpet, Ricky.

Will you shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!

[feedback screech]
Good morning, Sunnyvale!

Breakfast will be served
at 0700 hours sharp.

Thank you.

And have a safe
and alcohol-free day.

I'm kind of glad you woke me
up with your bugle "trunket"

'cause I've got
a 15-drink piss

I'm about to flush
out of my fucking body.



[chuckling] Ah, you can keep
me out of the park

but you can't keep
my cock out.

Is that right?

[electric buzz]
[screaming]

[wailing]

[electric buzz stops]

- [dogs barking]
- Jesus fucking Christ! Ugh!

Real men don't try
to electrocute other men's cocks

when they're trying to piss,
you mushroom-titted whore...

Oh, my fuck, that hurts!

Fu-u-uck!

[sigh] Trin, don't look.
Dad's cock got melted.

[dogs barking]

[theme music plays]



[panting in other room]

[groan]

[Randy] It's in as far
as it can go.

It feels great.
[grunt]

I can go about
another inch.

Ahh! Mmm...

Barb.

Why is it a hundred and
fucking fifty degrees in here?

Oh, I know.
Isn't it nice, Julian?

Come and do some
hot yoga with us.

[grunt]

Sweat's good for
the body, Julian.

It makes you
super-bendy.

You look super-fucked, Randy.

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

[sighing]

[Julian]
What is wrong with you people?

[Randy groans]

[Ricky]
How bad is it underneath?

It's pretty fried.

Maybe if we just
do it really quick

it won't hurt
that bad?

It's got grill
marks on it.

Listen, we've
got to try this.

It's been so long.
I need it.

Okay, I... All right.
Sure, I'll...

[Bubbles] Hey, breakfast anyone?

Bubbles, can you
give us a minute here?

Actually, no.
Breakfast sounds great. I'm starving.

Sorry, Ricky.

Put your pants on.
Look what I got.

Pancakes from scratch,

my own homemade
maple syrup.

Look at that:
bacon, fresh fruit,

cereal,
Lucky Charms,

all separated out the way you like them,
without the clovers.

- I fucking love you, Bubbs.
- I'll take that.

[chuckle]
[Trin giggling]

[Ricky] At least somebody's
getting some shit going.

They better
be careful.

I don't my gram-child's head
having dents in it.

[Bubbles]
Ricky!

[Leslie]
Morning, folks.

How'd you sleep,
Richard?

Ricky...

I'll punch him in the fucking face,
right now!

Ricky! Think about
your grandchild...

- Calm down.
- Fuck them!

I can't wait to get enough money
to get at my new job.

I'll sue the fucking
asses off them!

- And their arms and their fucking legs!
- Ricky...

Look, I'll deal
with these fuckers.

Wait here.

Good morning, sir.

Don't fucking
"Good morning, sir" me.

You not letting Ricky
in the park, this is fucking bullshit.

He just wants to live
in here in peace with his family.

Bubbles, Ricky doesn't know how
to live in peace.

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let
history repeat itself,

especially when
things are running so perfectly.

Yeah, well,
I wouldn't have signed

a long-term fucking lease
for Sunnyvale Park

if I had known you weren't
going to let him in.

- He's my family!
- Bubbles...

Look, we have a good
thing going here.

You're just going
to have to trust me.

Trust you. Oh, yeah?

Maybe if I took
the lease agreement

down to a lawyer
and showed it to him.

Maybe I should
do that

to see if I should
trust you.

Get a lawyer
involved.

You're going to go to a lawyer,
are you, Bubbs?

Jeez, I...

I don't think they have
a "don't pay a cent" event

down at the law
offices, do they?

Ha ha ha! Very funny.

It's fucking bullshit
anyway. It's bullshit.

It's not fair
and you know it.

[Leslie]
Fair?

Do you want to talk
about fair?

You try humping
a crate of scotch

and two wounded
soldiers

on your shoulders
for 31 days

up the Central Highlands
of South Vietnam

during the battle
of La Drang Valley in 1965.

And then...

have those two soldiers die
on your head.

Was that fair?

Life is not fair,
soldier!

Jesus Murphy.

- Hey, Julian?
- Bubbs.

How was your sleep?

I didn't sleep.

- [sighing]
- Look, come here.

- What?
- Come here.

I've got something
for you.

Just keep it
on the low, see?

I can't believe you can fucking
live here like this.

What do you mean?

I can't believe you spent all
my goddamn money

without talking
to me first!

- I didn't spend all your money.
- Oh, really?

Look, just
calm down.

[In low voice]
I've got a drink for you.

- You got a drink for me?
- I've got some rum.

- Look, get it out!
- Just wait.

What do you mean,
just wait?

Five, four, three,

two, one...

How the fuck
did you do that?

He's like fucking
clockwork.

He's ex-SAS
Special Ops.

He's trained to sleep
with his eyes open

in case he has
to fucking kill somebody.

He's nuts.

This is actually pretty good.

I mean, it's kind of like
camping, but it's your home.

Why don't we stay here
for a few weeks,

turn it into
a family vacation?

I think it would be good
for all of us.

Rick, if you think

that I'm going
to spend the next three weeks

going to the bathroom
and having bird-baths at Tim Hortons,

you've got another thing coming.
It's not happening.

Look who it fucking is.

What the fuck
do you want, George?

You here to sucker-punch me again,

you fucking pussy?

Ricky...

I was out of line.

Oh, you're here
to apologize, are you?

Well, that's good. But I'm not
falling for that bullshit again.

Ricky, I'm not here
to apologize.

I'm here as
an officer of the law

to tell you that
you can't stay here.

This is private
property.

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

Listen, Ricky, this is
not a stable environment

for a young lady
about to have a baby.

Trin, why don't
you and your mother

come and stay
at my place

- just until you have the baby, at least.
- Fuck you, George.

I'll have a stable environment
for my family by the end of the day.

Let's go.
Everybody in the car.

You find your
own fucking family.

[muttering] Fucking sucker-punch
throwing, dick-licking,

stupidest dummy
on planet fucking Dumb-Dumb!

Jesus.

Fucking dick!

[engine struggling]

Come on, don't fuck me
around again today!

[ignition failure]

[sigh]

- [engine revs]
- Yeah!

[George] I thought you might
need a tow, Rick.

[Ricky] Yeah? Well, I thought you
might need a "fuck off"!

I can't believe my trailer's
been taken over

by sweaty old people, Bubbs!

Julian, I was trying
to be like you.

I was trying to
make a nice...

Oh, you were trying... Guess what?
You fucked up!

This isn't me,
Bubbs!

Oh, Julian, there's lots of space
in my place here,

you can live
with me.

That would
be perfect.

Bubbs, you don't
understand.

I can't fucking
live here like this.

What do you mean?
You can't live in the park at all?

Bubbs!

How the fuck did you let all
this happen? Huh?

- This place is fucked!
- How is it my fault?

[whimpers]

- All right. All...
- [whimpers]

Listen. I know
you didn't mean to screw up.

Okay? I'm sorry.

Maybe I can stay
over at Ricky's place

until I can
figure this out.

Yeah, you could live
right there.

That would be okay.

All right,
I've got work to do.

Do you want
to come with me?

Yes, I'd like
to do that

but will you be
back by lunch?

It's Mushroom Melt Monday.
It's a big day.

We'll be back
in a couple hours.

Hey, Julian.

The damn fan-belt
snapped!

We tried pantyhose,
know what I mean,

but that didn't
wizzork neither.

Party Bus will
be back bouncing

but it won't be
till the end of the day, dawg.

All right,
we'll take my car.

We'll have to make
a few runs.

Here. You coming?

- Yes.
- Bird-snap!

Oh-h-h... Jesus!

Right in the bird.

[horn honks]

[engine stops]

- Hey, Julian.
- Hey, Jimmy.

- Boys.
- [J-Roc] Hey, what up, Hogan's Heroes?

Julian, word
around the park is that...

you're not happy
with the new Sunnyvale.

What are you
talking about?

I think it's
fucking amazing.

Can I have my glass
back, please?

Of course.

Listen, Julian.

Barb and I
have been talking.

We know
there's no way

that you're going to be happy
in the new park.

So we're willing
to make an offer to buy you out.

It's tempting, but...

Jim, I'm... I'm not
going anywhere.

I love the changes
you guys made to this place.

I mean, plus, my share's
probably doubled,

maybe even tripled
because of you guys.

It'd be crazy
to fucking sell them.

Huh.

Goddamn!

Look how fucking
clean that is.

Wow.

[Bubbles]
Yeah, she's some clean.

[J-Roc]
Clean like your mamma's titties.

Thanks for all
the hard work you're doing.

You guys are doing
a great job.

[engine starts]

I can't believe
he's changed.

Don't kid
yourself, Jim.

This war's just
getting started.

Couldn't you have found a cheaper place
to store it than a motel?

Hey, it ain't a motel no mo',
it's a sto-mo now.

Five-O don't
even know, yo.

[Julian]
What?

He means it's
a storage motel.

The cops don't know
about it, it's cheap.

How much Roc Vodka
have we got left?

Hey, we couldn't keep Pizomegranate
on the shelves, huh?

But Booberry we got lots of,
know what I'm saying,

'cause it turned
motherfuckers' tongues blue.

All right, cool.
We'll be able to flip that this afternoon.

Welcome to the
greasatorium, Julian.

[J-Roc indistinct]

[Bubbles]
Gre-e-easy.

We're in 27, yo.

[indistinct] Yo.

How greasy is
this place, Julian?

[Julian]
A fucking shithole.

[Bubbles]
Grease Manor.

Hey, motherfucker,
you owe me money!

[Julian]
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. It's me.

Put down the
goddamn slingshot, man.

Hey, Jules,
my brother!

- What's happening?
- What's up, man?

Fuck, you look good, bro!

- Thanks.
- Nice ride.

Now, look. I know I owe you
some storage money

but do you think I can just grab my shit
and I'll get you back?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Come on, man,
are you fucking?

I can never tell when you're
fucking with me.

Tom, I can flip this shit
this afternoon,

I'll pay you the whole thing
by the end of the day.

Oh, man,
I'd love to help you boys out,

but you know,
it's just this...

- Come on, I'm running a business.
- I know.

Hey, look.
I know, but look.

I'm going through some
hard times right now.

Fuck, Jules, everybody's going
through hard time.

That's why they leave
their shit with me.

Now come on,
this is a business.

- You understand that?
- I understand,

but it's me.
Look, have I ever fucked you over?

- No.
- No, I haven't.

Just give me the keys
to your car for collateral. That's all.

How the fuck
are we supposed to sell liquor

without a ride,
Cousin Larry?

Those work great.

I'm not going
to sell booze

out of fucking ice cream bikes,
Tommy? Come on!

Julian,
just hang on.

That could fucking work.
That could work.

We could sell it at
the park that way.

Yeah, it's going
to work out great, man.

I'll give you enough
product to flip.

You just pay me back
at the end of the day.

- We're good.
- All right.

That's the least
I could do for a friend, pal.

- Thanks, Tommy.
- Yeah...

Keys.

Key.

[Bubbles]
Julian! Check it out!

- I'm Ice Cream Fonzy!
- [bells jingling]

[laughing]

[Lucy]
His name is George.

Well, I just can't believe you're taking
that fuckhead's side!

I'll take a small
white fonda.

That fuckhead
who took care of us

while you were in jail?
Yeah, I am!

Well, I'm going to take care
of this family from now on. Okay?

I'm going to ask my new boss
for a little fucking advance

and get a place for this family
by tonight, I promise.

[man]
Thanks for the hash.

You're just getting an
ice cream for yourself

and not thinking
about anybody else?

Lucy, I don't have any money.
It's not for me.

It's a gesture
with my new boss.

You know what,
Ricky?

- George is right.
- [scoffs]

[bells jingling]

Boys, wait up!

All right,
here you go, man.

All right?
Perfect, that will do.

I've got nothing
left, sweetie.

Sorry, fellas,

I got no ice cream
for you.

Then bust me a pint
of liquor, bitch!

- Yeah.
- Pint of liquor?

I don't think you're of legal
drinking age, are you?

Are you legal getting knocked
the fuck out age?

Ooh-hoo!
Jesus Murphy, how old are you?

How old are
your mamma's titties?

- Okay, that's just cold.
- My God. Listen,

I don't sell alcohol to minors.
I'm sorry.

- Then we out!
- Googly-eyed bitch.

- Jesus Murphy!
- How's it going, Bubbs?

How's it going?
I only sold two bottles of liquor

and those two little fellas

just verbally
bitch-slapped me.

Don't worry, y'all!

I called for back-up.
Woo-ahhh!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!
- Yeah!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!
- Yeah!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!
- Yeah!

- Huh?
- Br-r-rap!

- Yeah! Huh?
- That's right!

- Huh?
- Br-r-rap!

That's what's up, y'all.

Near the end of
my police career,

I was drinking
a pint of liquor for breakfast,

a quart for lunch

and a 40-ouncer
for supper.

- [chuckling]
- I was a mess.

I feel you, Jim.

I was the exact same.

God knows how many
people I killed when I was wasted.

[approaching footsteps]

Mr. Lahey!
I tried to explain to Colonel Dancer

that I cannot wear shirts on my body
'cause I get a rash...

- I got a rash!
- Under the new regime,

it's imperative
that all employees

wear the required uniform,

no exceptions.

Mr. Lahey, you own the park.
Tell him I can't.

I said no exceptions, soldier!

I'm not a
frigging soldier

and you're not in
the army anymore!

[grunt]

Disobeying a direct order
from a superior officer

is in violation
of the rules!

Now, you will go and de-weed
a flower garden

or you will fill
in a pothole

and you will look out
for graffiti vandals

and you will keep
that goddamn vest on!

I can't believe you didn't stick
up for me! Again!

You were saying, Jim?

Nice day.

[Barb]
He's been sober for six months.

He sends me flowers
every week.

He's done a
miraculous job

with Sunnyvale
Villas.

It doesn't mean
you have to spread your legs for him.

Sarah, not in front
of the customers.

They don't care.
Do you?

Look, what do you
even need a man for?

You've got us girls.
We should stick together.

[sigh]
I know I'm old-fashioned,

but I just think that
a woman of my age

really, really ought
to have a partner.

You're too young
to be old-fashioned.

And you're too old to
be attached at the hip

to some guy who's not even
giving you what you need.

Am I right?

Like, have you even thought about
what Barb needs?

Ooh, there's trouble!
How are you?

Come on
right this way.

Sarah, can I talk
to you for a sec?

- Yeah, what's up?
- Come. I need you for a sec.

It's about Gladys.

She wants me to do
some extra stuff.

'Cause Donna's doing it,
she wants me to do it.

I ain't feeling it.

Look, you're going
to make us an extra 60 bucks, T.

And you're going
to make her really happy.

Oh, don't be a pussy.
You might even like it.

[rapping] My height may be low
Yeah!

My bike may be slow
Hoo!

But when I'm rockin'
on the mic

We stand fucking toe to toe

'Cause I'm hard
as fuck, bitch

I ain't no hamburger platter

I'm hard as fuck bitch

And if you don't know me
it don't matter

'Cause I'm hard
as fuck bitch

You know me, MC Flurry!

He's actually a'ight,
know what I mean?

[siren blast]

- [short siren blasts]
- Great. Fucking great!

[objects clattering]

Get the fuck back
in the vehicle!

Fuck off! Just give me a second.
This thing's melting.

Hi, you must be Sharon.
I'm Ricky, the guy from jail

that sent you
the letter over the world pipe

- down on the TVs with click-clackers.
- E-mail?

Well, if it said Ricky on it,
I guess it was me, right?

Anyway, I hope
you like vanilla.

It's a little melty but tastes
fucking great.

Jesus, what the hell do
you think you're doing, Ricky?

Do you mind? I'm trying
to talk to my boss.

You don't see me
coming down to your job

batting cocks out of
your mouth, do you?

Oh, that's real funny. That's a great
set of wheels you got there.

Yeah. They're new German...
technology... earthy tires.

You don't even have
to pump them up.

Well, I've got
a flatbed on the way.

I'm impounding
this piece of shit.

It's not safe
for the road.

You can't fucking do that!
I need it for work, for deliveries.

It's the only chance I have to get
a fucking home for my family.

Well, I was talking to George

and he said I could drop
your family off at his place.

Oh, my fuck!
This is just a fucking set-up, isn't it?

Well, you can
tell George Green

that he can suck
my fucking cock,

and you two dick-wipes can hold
the fucking shaft while he's sucking.

- How about that?
- The position's no longer available.

Yeah, who's sucking
it now, Ricky?

Who's sucking these?

Well, this is fucking great!

Now I'm laid off
and I can't get pokey,

so I've got no money to get a place
for my family to fucking live.

You know whose fault it is?
Butchy McBitch Tits, George fucking Green!

He sends his cocked ones
here to fuck me!

[objects clattering]

Tony, what the fuck
are you doing?

- That's a new bumper!
- Blow me, Ricky.

I'll fucking blow you,
stupid toe-dick!

That's just fucking awesome!

Lucy, please don't
fucking leave me.

Let me sort this
bullshit out.

Nothing with you
is ever going to change.

I have changed,
I promise you.

I'm never going to
break the law again.

I don't want to be a homeless
grandmother, Ricky.

Lucy, please.

We didn't get a chance
to bang yet. I need to.

Step away from the car, Ricky.
You're fucking lucky

I don't charge you
with assaulting a police officer.

For what? Throwing
flowers at two dicks? Fuck off!

Is there any way
I can get my money for today?

What the fuck's your problem?
I showed up.

Holy fuck.

Let's go, Jacob.
Giddy-the-fuck-up!

[metal squeaking]

Man, I wish
Cory was here.

Go get him, dumb-ass.

[bells jingling]

Oh, hell no, Julian,
peep your whip, dawg!

- Fuck. Are you fucking kidding me?
- Hell no!

[Julian]
Tommy!

- What's going on? What happened?
- Tommy!

Tom, what the fuck
happened to my car?

Oh, fuck! Julian! Julian!

Hey, man, I was at the mall.

I got back, your fucking
car was stripped, bro.

That's a shame.

- Tough neighborhood.
- Is it?

You're the only one lives here,
bitch over troubled water!

- Hey...
- Explain that, bitch!

I'm going to pull
your fucking head off!

- Julian!
- Dandelion-style!

Then we'll see
what's up.

Julian, man. Don't make
me call the cops on you.

Oh, you're going to call the cops on me,
you little fuck?

Well, you got a lawyer?

- My money or a lawyer.
- You know what?

- Here's your fucking money, right?
- Yeah, yeah!

- Give me the fucking keys!
- You're short.

- What the fuck do you mean, I'm short?
- You're short, man!

There's not enough there
to cover the fucking late fees

on your storage unit,
never mind your bike rentals.

Bike rentals?
Are you fucking kidding me, Tommy?

I'm running a business, bro.

This isn't no favor factory.

But, hey, 'cause we're friends,

I'm going to take a couple bucks
off your parking fee for today

but get out of
here by tomorrow

'cause someone might
want to park here. Okay?

- Julian! Julian!
- Fucking kill you!

- You stay the fuck out!
- Bring it on, you little fucking weasel!

- Get back!
- Whoa, put that down!

Somebody's going
to lose an eye!

You want your liquor?
Pay me, bitch!

Yeah? I'm coming
back, Tommy.

You're lucky
I don't want to go to fucking jail,

you little slimy fuck!

- Can't wait to see you, handsome!
- Yeah?

- Oh, you greasy son of a whore.
- Fucker!

- Greasy bastard!
- Oh, fuck you!

Thanks for helping
me out, man.

Hey, dude,
no problem.

You call any time,
I'm there.

Almost there, boys.

This is where we're
trunking down for the night.

- [reigns slapping]
- Ow! Ow!

My sunburn, dude.

[goats bleating]

Sometimes when the old man
got super banged up,

I couldn't take it.

So I'd run away
for a few days

and come and
chill out here.

Holy fuck, it hasn't
changed a bit.

Look at this place!
It's fucking perfect!

Where are we going
to use the bathroom?

Where are we
going to sleep?

[Ricky] Well, there's
a hose out back

and if you and Jacob want
the couch, you can have it

or we can all make
beds out of hay

like the fucking
Vike-nings used to do.

Dad, I think maybe
I should go stay with Mom

just until the
baby's here.

If you want to go stay with George,
I'll understand.

I just thought maybe
we could, you know,

kind of come here
and live the way people used to.

Like... a hundred
billion years ago

they didn't have fucking houses
or cars or anything.

This is the way they did it.
They fucking lived in barns.

How long would
we be here for?

Just for tonight,
I promise.

A week or two, tops.

- What do you think?
- I don't.

We should probably
listen to your dad.

What do you think?

I love you so much.

Thanks...

I think
we've run a...

very successful
campaign, Colonel.

The smell of victory
is in the air.

[Leslie] Oh, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, Jim.

- Do you want to know something funny?
- Yeah?

Randy actually does get a rash
if he wears a shirt.

[chuckling]

So?

Well, maybe we can
cut him a little slack.

Everyone has to follow
the rules, Jim.

No exceptions.

That's how wars are won.

Some people suffer.
That man is weak

and a disgrace
to his uniform.

To hell with
that feller.

I appreciate you sticking up
for me, Mr. Lahey.

I'm done taking orders from you,
Colonel Sandals.

[sniffing]

What's that smell
in the air now, Jim?

[steam hissing]

See, Trin,
this isn't too bad, huh?

George thought I couldn't find you
a stable environment,

fucking cock goggle-wearing
shit-lasso! Fuck him!

You're going to be
the best grandfather ever.

I love you.

Holy fuck,
check it out.

Look at the cute little puppy.

That's not
a puppy, Dad.

What is it, a horn-dog?

No, it's a goat.

I've heard of those
fucking things. Willy goats.

Check it out, little buddy.

I've got something for you.

- Hey, Cory.
- Huh?

Wake up, dude.
It's getting late.

You should get back
to the trailer park.

Well... it's dark.
How am I supposed to find my way back?

Uh, you follow
the fucking stars.

The stars don't move, dude.

No shit. That's why
you fucking follow them.

Even he knows that.

All right.

Well, see you, Jacob.

Have fun with your family.

- See you whenever.
- All right. Cool, man.

There you go, little fella.
Check it out.

Here, why don't you
just crawl in here?

You can sleep here
for the night.

I'm going to
name you Willy.

You're like a
double unicorn.

[goat bleating]

[Ricky]
What's that?

I can't understand you.
What did you say? What?

Oh, you want a drink?

Do you want to
smoke a joint?

I've got hash and weed.
What do you want?

- [bleating sounds like "hash"]
- What?

- [bleating sounds like "both"]
- You want both? Okay.

Let's get fucked up!