Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 8, Episode 7 - Community Service and a Boner Made with Love - full transcript

Are you sure you don't
want me to put some

sunscreen on you Don?
No Randall, I'll be fine.

Well you should put on SPF 30.
UV rays can be really harmful

to your skin. I even
moisturize every day. I put on,

like, vitamin E lotion and
Aloe that's why my skin's so...

[Singing] Da da dada da
dada da.

[Singing] Good morning
gentlemen, Donny how are you?
Hey Randy bo bandy,

isn't it a great day to be
alive?!! Ha ha!

What's going on
down there Mister Lahey?

Oh I just thought I'd go out
for a morning stroll Randers!

Just how would you
feel about taking



the day off Randy and
we'll have a little talk?

What do you
think bud?

I don't know Mister Lahey.

Don't be silly Randy! It's
a sign from the gods!

You have to fulfill
your darkest, deepest desires.

Really?

Yes, ride the fuckin' pony.

Let's talk then Mister Lahey.

All right!
Thanks Don.

Hee hee! Isn't it magnificent,
look ah ha ha hee hee!

Come on Randers!! I've
got a bone for you man.

♪♪

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♪♪

And you should be pretty
much perfect...perfect!

Decent!

Oh hey there boys, check
these guys out. Hello! Ha ha!

Bwah, taco my balls,
bwah!

Is this what you
want little buddy?

Come down here, you know
you love to eat fucking weed!

Bwah, Taco likes weed!

If we're going to make
enough money to

save the park on time
we gotta start doing

more jobs together, it's
as simple as that man.

Well it's going to be pretty
fucking hard to do that

without Bubbles knowin'.
[Bird voice] Suck my ball!

Hey boys, what's going on?

Look who fucking
showed up Bubs.

Suck my cock, bah! Taco!
What the fuck's he doing there?

Bah, taco likes weed.
You guys ready to go?

Let's go!
Go where?

My community service
thing.

You said you'd fucking help
me with it, it's today. Bah!

Bubs we can't do that today
we got way too much shit to

do man. Lick my tank! Oh is
that right Julian? Too much

shit! Let's fucking have a
recap of what happened here.

Why did I get community
service in the first place?

Bwah! Oh yeah I remember,
'cuz you rented out my sheds

to a bunch of filthy FUCKING
hookers who had crabs...

Bwah! ...who then got on my
bird and on my kitties and I

freaked out in fucking
public, pulled my pants down

on your crazy fucking honey
oil and exposed myself

screaming like i was on bath
salts... Who's fault was that?

Yours and yours, get
the fuck in the car.

We should at least get Taco down
and take him back to Coconut.

There's no time
Ricky, let's go.

This fucking sucks.

Well can't we at least get drunk
and high and go and do this?

No we're not getting drunk and
high we're going to tell

kids not to get drunk and high!
Fuck I hate kids.

I can't tell kids that drugs
and liquor are bad I fucking

love drugs and liquor. I
started smoking dope and

drinking in grade three for
fuck sakes.

Well Ricky that's what the
FUCKING judge said we had to do

and we're doing it! END OF
DISCUSSION!!

Why puppets though man?
I FUCKING hate puppets!

Because Julian I get
nervous in front of crowds
and that's the only

way I can do it, there's
going to be like fifty kids

there! [VO] Randy, come on
please Randy... It's going

to be nervewracking.
Hey, look I wrote up

little script you guys can use.
It'll be easy.

Lahey: I still am really very
much attracted to you, I swear.

Randy: Maybe you are and maybe
you aren't but I can't tell 'cuz

of your STUPID PILLS!!

When Mister Lahey
showed up I was really

excited. I thought
our problems were finally

over but when we got back to
the trailer I saw on the

table a great big box of
penis hardening pills.

I don't want a friggen
pharmaceutical boner,

I want a boner made from love.

Would you get your
erect cock out of my way please.

Hi Julian.
Jesus Christ!

He's walking around with a
boner!

House coat wide open, great big
dirty piss boner.

Anybody got an extra smoke?

What's fucking wrong with kids,
you guys don't smoke anymore?

Who's got a smoke?
Come on.

Thanks bud. There you go.

Actually here,
thanks.

Bubbles: Ricky?

Ricky: Do you want a smoke?

Fuck off.

Ricky! Did you take the little
guy's smokes?

Not all of 'em.
We're here to tell them not

to be doing drugs and
liquor, you're fucking

bumming cigarettes off kids!
It's not a drug Bubs.

YES IT IS!! Tobacco!

Bubbles: Ricky!

Principal Duggan: Gentlemen,
nice to see you.

How's it going?

You must be the
criminals, I'm Principal Duggan.

Hi Principal Duggan,
nice to meet you sir.

I'm so glad
you boys are here today.

We got some pretty bad apples
at this school but I think

after listening to real life
criminals like yourselves

it'll do them a world of
good.

Right on man.

What was it you did again?
Whipped your junk out

in public or some shit?

No, no I just I thought I
had crabs on my thing

down there and I
just panicked. It was just

a misunderstanding.

Yeah him and I actually have
nothing to do with this,

it's his thing ,you know,
he did it.

Makes no difference I don't
judge. [Inaudible] Gym's

right through there, Steve
here will get you set up

with your microphones. I'm gonna
go round up the kids.

Fifteen minutes.

'Kay
thank you Principal Duggan.

Yeah Oh I'm a big fan of
those scared straight prison

kind of shows that you see
on TV so feel free to get a

little crazy and put the
fear of god into some of

these little fuckers.

Oh we can do that no
fucking problem.

We'll probably keep
it pretty...pretty tame.

How the fuck can a peanut kill
someone, it's not even a person?

That's fucked.

Ricky:
It's just a few kids, Bubs.

[sigh] Julian, why would you
fuckin' say that right now?

Just about to go here. Come on
bird do your thing!

Ricky: Nothing's happening yet?

No I got cold molasses bird, I
can't get a FUCKIN' dribble!

All right, man, I'm all done.
Sorry Bubs.

I just about had it started
and you fuckin' jiggled me!

Want me to leave the faucet
running for a bit bud, that

might help you out?

No...now I don't think
she's going to go Julian.

I'm too FUCKIN' nervous
getting in front of these kids.

Maybe you could do the puppet
show for me Julian, please?

Bubs I'm not
doing the puppet show for ya.

Listen I'm here as a
favour. I'm here to make

sure Ricky doesn't FUCK
things up for ya. Well he's

not going to fuck it up, is
he? Oh my god I never even

thought of that. Ricky's
going to FUCK this up!!

He's not going to fuck things
up, okay? It's puppets! How do

you fuck puppets up?
You can fuck puppets up.

You can't, come on.
You're going to do fine.

Let's just go get
this over with.

I just I have to
use it.

[sound of an audience of
children in the background]

[Children speaking]
Is that smoke?
What's that smell?

It smells like my Dad's
cigarette.

Bubbles: Okay boys,
okay boys. [Coughing]

What are you doing?

Show me
the...sniff...sniff, you're

smoking dope back here,
are you crazy? No it's
French tobacco.

[Sound of microphone
distortion]

It's not French tobacco it's
weed I can smell it.

[Whispering] [over the
loudspeaker] Bubbles:
Listen, listen... shhh.

I fucking think the
microphones are on! Man that

Principal dick said we had
fifteen fucking minutes!

[Whispering] Ricky, that
was twenty minutes ago,

you're baked out of your
goddamn mind! Here boys get

your puppets on we gotta do
this!

Hold on a second
[inaudible] I gotta piss!

Ricky! Ricky what the...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Stop looking at me. [Whispering]
Oh my god.

Oh fuck that feels good.
[Whispering] Put your bird
away.

I can't cut my piss off.

Squeeze it out then.
[Whispering] Jam your bird

down inside of it you're
splashing it all over the place.

[over loudspeaker]
Oh fuck, you
guys want to use that?

Get that
fucking thing away from me.

Get it away from me.
It's all drippy.

It smells like pee.

[Crowd of kids]
EW!!!

[Whispering] What is wrong
with your fucking brain?

What?

[Whispering] You just threw
a piss jug at the audience

and you got piss driblets on
my lenses.

[Whispering] The audience is...
the audience is in there?

Child: I have pee on me.

Where the FUCK do you
think the audience is?

Just get your guy.
Sorry.

Oh My God, Julian

So what are we going to do
here? [Whispering]

We gotta stick to the script is
what we gotta do.

I didn't read the script yet.

I thought we had to do that
later. Let's do this.

Hey kids, how's it going? My
name's Bobby [inaudible].

Oh hey, what's your name?

It's Ricky you fucking
idiot, you know my name Bubs.

[Whispering]
I'm not talking to you Ricky,

the little eight inch cocksucker
on the end of your arm!

Hey you, what's your name?

[Whispering]
Hey, what's his name again?

[Whispering] It's Ralphy
Johnson.

My name is Ralphy Johnson
everybody.

Hey Ralphy you should try
to move your mouth at the

same time as... [Whispering]
You move your fucking hand

when you're talking
Ricky so it... ...looks like

he's saying it, see that?

Oh yeah okay that's cool.

[badly out of sync]
Hey! My name is Ralphy Johnson.

Rick you gotta sync it up.
[whispering]

Looks like a python trying
to swallow an egg.

Well I'm not good
at puppets okay?

They're a little too fucking
smart for my brain!

Ricky: No 'cuz you're
fuckin' stupid.

Your fuck...you get
your fucking thing out there!

[Whispering] Julian get your
guy up there.

I'm not playing with puppets
Bubs.

[Whispering] Julian you
get that fucking puppet

up there or I will kick
your testicles up inside

your body CAVITY!

Julian: Oh for fuck
sakes.

[Singing] Doo doo
doodoo do da da doo...

Hey there fellas! How you
doing? I'm Bobby, I'm a

straight A student here at
Dartmouth Elementary

and I'm thinking about trying
drugs and liquor for the first

time. Do you think that's a
good idea?

[Laughing] Yes!
[Sound of children laughing]

Ricky: Who's talking me or him?
No...yes?

Julian: Holy fuck you're
stupid.

Don't fucking... the toys
fuckin' calling me stupid.

Julian: It's a puppet.

Ricky: You know
what? Fuck this.

I'm too stupid to
fucking do puppets

then I'm too fucking stupid to
be here I guess.

Ricky!
Have fun guys!

Ricky get back here!
You get the fuck...

Fuck you Julian!

No
fuck you!

[Bubbles in a puppet
voice] Just a little hey!

[Kids laughing]

Holy fuck! Bubs I thought
you said ten or twenty kids

there's like fifty or a thousand
out here. [laughing]

Bubbles [Bobby Voice]:
What?

Hey kids! Well ah don't do
drugs and liquor I guess.

I mean they're pretty
good but don't try them yet.

Fuck you, your an asshole.

Bubbles, I'll be in the
car.

Julian: No, no, no. If
I've got to do this,

Ricky, you gotta do it.

Bubbles: Julian, get the fuck
back here!

Bubs I'm not playing
with puppets. Get out here.

Julian you promised
me you'd help me with this.

I'm...I'm not playing
with puppets.

Get out here and tell the
people what you gotta say man.

[Bubbles whimpering]
Holy fuck Ju-lian!

Julian: Just get out here!

I can't, I get so
nervous in front of kids.

Bubbles get the fuck out here.

Fuck! Ahhh!

Julian: Fifty kids, huh?

Ha ha ha ha! Oh my god
look at all the kids!

Here's the deal,
you entertain the kids

I'll go get Ricky, I'll
come back out, and

we'll finish the show.

What?
I can't entertain them.

Just tell them some jokes or
something.

[Breathing heavy] Jokes ah...
Hey kids! How's it goin'?

You guys like jokes?

[silence]

Ha ha ha ha! I used to
know some jokes when

I was a little guy, just
like you guys let me think

if I can remember
them...

under pressure like this...

um how do you...
ah how do ya...

How do ya catch a
unique kitty?

Unique up on 'em.

Ha ha ha ha! Not bad,
right?

[crowd starts to turn on him]

Ah just wait now
there's a part two to it.

How does it go?

Um... how do
you catch a tame kitty?

Audience: Tame way.
Unique up on him...

Boys would you get OUT
HERE!!! I'M BOMBING OUT HERE

IT'S LIKE BERLIN in 1940.

Um ah... oh who owns
this guitar here?

Actually I don't care, I'm
borrowin' it anyway.

Maybe I can play you
guys a song,

do you like songs?

YEAH!

This is a song about the
dangers of using drugs

and alcohol I'll just
make it up.

[Singing]
♪ Don't do liquor and drugs, ♪

♪ you'll end up hanging with
birds. They will take your ♪

♪ money and hurt you bad... ♪
Oh my god.

Kids: You're bad.

Bubbles: It's not in
tune that's the main problem.

Kids: You're bad!

Oh My God boys! Ah ah

I'm going to have a
meltdown.

Kids: Oh, gross. He peed.

Hey Bubs, how's it going? Sorry
about Julian being an asshole

and stuff. Everything's
cool now, we worked it out.

Oh it's okay. Ricky maybe
you guys can just stay out

here and do the show for
the kids. I gotta go backstage

just for a minute.

What's going on down
there buddy? [laughing]

Kids: He peed! He peed!

Bubs, Oh,
ha ha ha ha!

[whispering] Ricky, fuck off.

[in disbelief]
No you didn't.

Ricky leave it alone!

Oh My God!

Crowd: Ew
[kids start laughing]

You did, you pissed yourself!

No I didn't. Ricky!

He pissed himself
kids! Look at it.

It's all down his leg.

No I didn't kids I had a
juice pack in my pocket.

My bird was doing that it
must have jabbed the

fucking thing and burst it.

I can't believe you
pissed yourself

in front of all
these kids, look at this.

I didn't do it!
I didn't piss myself.

Julian: He didn't piss himself.

[Kids chanting] He peed
his pants, he peed his pants...

It's not a big deal
man I'll piss myself

right now if that makes you feel
better.

Julian: Smarten up. You're
not going to piss yourself.

I'm trying, I've don't got
much left in the tank here.

Come on piss!

That how you piss Ricky?
Like an old gorilla

out in the woods?

Principal Duggan:
Okay guys, okay that's enough.

I don't know what the
hell you guys think

you're doing but ah that's
not what I meant when I said

you could scare the kids.
Come on.

Easy there Phill Cosby.

I'm sorry Principal
Duggan this isn't

the way this was
supposed to go down.

Just go please off
school property right now or
I'm calling the cops.

What?

And I'm telling Judge
Mason about this too.

I'm sorry kids I didn't
pee myself.

Oh My God, I'm sorry
everybody...ahhh...

[applause]

You've got some serious
fucking problems

with your brain,
you know that?

What?

What do you mean
what?

What are you a
psychiaprist now?

Hey Bubs, you ready?

Yeah FUCK OFF Ricky, you get the
FUCK away from me right now.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?
What the FUCK do you

think is wrong with me? You
embarrassed me in front of

the whole school!

Bubs I thought it went pretty
good, they were clapping for ya.

They weren't clapping for me

Ricky, they were laughing at
me because of you!

I should fucking clobber you
one.

Come on man don't be like that.

Get your hands off me.
Get your fucking hands off me.

You drive me to the
park and neither one of you

say a FUCKIN' word
to me!

What if I...I have to say
somethin' it's a emergency?

Julian: Get going.

Bubbles: You're not
saying a word!

Ricky: Fucking asshole.

Bubbles: [mocking] Oh my name's
Ricky, I'm a fucking idiot.

I'll just fucking shoot
[inaudible]

Ricky: Bubs, it wasn't my
fault it was the puppet's

fault really when you think
about it.

Fuck off Ricky.

Julian: Bubs, come
on buddy.

Ricky: I told you I
don't know how to use

fucking puppets that well.
It's not my fucking fault!

Just relax man, what the
fuck is the big deal anyway?

You know what the big deal
is Ricky. You see that I'm

holding two sticks of
dynamite baby just light the

fucking fuses, BOOM BOOM!!

Kind of overreaction a
little bit don't you think?

You're a FUCKING nightmare,
do you know that?

Ricky: How?
[Julian sighs]

Rick!

Fuck you scared me.

What the hell are you
doing here Luce?

I thought I'd come
for a skate.

I've gotta say this
place looks amazing.

It is such a good
idea.

It's pretty fucking
badass, isn't it.

Yeah ,you know,
it's a real turn on.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow you look
FUCKING amazing Luce.

You know what the
best thing is about
this place?

What?

You know that thing
that you used to like

me to do
with the icecubes?

Oh yeah.

In here we don't need
the icecubes.

Are you serious,
right here?

Well we're friends
with the Benedicts
aren't we?

Fucking right!

What the fuck?

HEARD YOU WERE MAKING PEOPLE
CRY AT THE SCHOOL TODAY

YOU FUCKING BULLY!!!

Kinda busy here
bud!

Yeah well you're not
gettin' your bird sucked

today! Outside right now!

Fuck off Bubbles at
least let me put my cock away.

Bubbles, who's Bubbles?
I'm the FUCKING

Green Bastard parts
unknown baby.

You fuck off I'm serious.
This wasn't my fault.

Oh I'm serious too Ricky!
Put your fuckin' dukes up!

What's going on here guys?

Fuck off Randy
it's between me and Ricky.

Look I'll fight Randy if
you want but I'm not
fighting you Bubbles.

Frig off Ricky!

Gentlemen, calm... Violence is
never the answer.

Fuck you, Don, you
weird spiritual bastard!

Ricky's getting one right
now.

You know what Bubbles? I'm
sorry for what happened.

Yeah?

Take your best shot
'cuz I'm not fighting ya.

Oh I'll do it!
Go ahead do it!

I'll fucking' do it Ricky! I
WILL!

GO AHEAD, I DON'T A FUCK!!
[PUNCH]

Oh shit Bubbles! Oh my
fuck! You knocked that

motherfucker out hard!

Oh my god Ricky!
Wake up! Wake up! Are you

all right? Rick! Julian I
connected!

RICKY WAKE UP!!!
Oh I think he stopped

breathing! Ricky don't die
on me! Randy do something!

DOES ANYBODY KNOW
CPR? Somebody help please!

Ah I know CPR, stand
back! What the hell

happened here Randy?

Bubbles punched Ricky
and killed him!

No shit, give me some room boys.
Time for an expert.

Bubbles: I'm sorry. Mister Lahey
hurry up, he stopped breathin'!

What the fuck?

Randy: What the frig are ya
doin'?

Ah what the fuck happened?

I'm sorry Ricky, I
knocked ya out!

I blasted ya one.

I didn't know what
the fuck was going on.

I woke up saw him with
a boner.

Why the fuck is his cock hard?

He was trying to
friggen help ya, ya idiot!

TIMBER!!!
There goes Lahey's wood.

Okay everybody party's over,
everybody go back to your

trailers, nothing more to
see here.

Are you all right, Ricky?
Ricky: Not now.

Hey Ricky, can I talk
to ya for a sec man?

What, about banging
my daughter right now?

No you can't.

Once Ricky kinda ,you
know, cools down and

then gets over ,you
know, this...his anger

about ah me being the
Father of Trin's baby

um I might be able to
help him with some of his

business, you know?

How was jail?

Ah it wasn't that bad actually.

Yeah it's fucking fun, isn't
it? Good times. I know.

Look man I really love Trinity
and I'm going to work

really hard to become a
man for her and...and for you.

Well that's good Jacob
'cuz you're FUCKED and you

need to become a man, okay?

He's a pretty good
business man.

He's got lots of
different ah things

going on so maybe I,
you know, I hopefully

can help him doing
different stuff ,you know,

like...selling drugs.

You become a man maybe I'll
shake your hand then.

Okay, thanks Ricky!
Ricky: Fuck off.

That went pretty well, eh?

Yeah except for the fuck off
part, that was cool.

He's the one that should be
apologizing to me.

He embarrassed me in front of
all those FUCKING people!

Ricky think about what you
did to him.

Bubbles.
Yeah?

Ricky's out here. He needs to
talk to ya.

Hey Ricky.

I'm sorry I fuckin'
embarrassed ya and made

you piss yourself in front of
all those fuckin' kids today.

It's all right Ricky I'm...I'm
sorry that I clobbered ya.

You know I wasn't trying
to hurt ya I swear I just...

I was just mad, that's all.

I'm just, I'm under a lot of
stress here boys.

we're running out of time.
I'm scared we're going to

lose our homes.

I hear ya.

You know Julian you're
always the one to figure

these things out, how come
you're not figuring it out?

It's kinda hard to
do when we're all fightin' Bubs.

Let's just have some
fun tonight okay and

I promise you guys I'll
come up with a plan.

Yeah okay.

Let's hug it out.

Yeah let's hug it out boys.

No more fighting.

All right.
I love you guys.

I love you too.

Do you think we could
get a chicken pizza and

watch a movie tonight?

Now that sounds fucking good.

Midnight Cowboy?

Yeah sure.

Think we could get
our jammies on?

Bubs now you're
pushing it.

No let's do it for
him. I mean I don't really

have jammies but I can
wear my underwear.

♪♪

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