Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 8, Episode 6 - Friends with the Benedicts - full transcript
Bubbles' attempts to clear up a crab infestation in his sheds and on his kitties cause him embarrassment, and he's arrested for indecent exposure.
Jesus H Christ, it
looks like you're infested too
Wayne Newton. Sorry
little buddy. Bubbles: You're
gonna have to just hang in
there until I can get back
with the proper crab shampoo.
[Sound of a click as
a barbecue lighter is lit]
You dirty little
pinchy bastards.
Crabs are the dirtiest
little crustaceous
fuckin' cock inhabitants
on the face of
the planet and there's no way
I'm letting them get on my bird.
They latch right on to
your package with their dirty
little pinchy cock claws.
They start fuckin' hatching
eggs, it's terrifying!
Well I went online
and I calculated I need about
twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo to get rid of the
infestation on my kitties,
twenty-two fucking bottles!
Do you know how embarrassing
that's going to be to us for
twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo? I'll tell ya,
VERY EMBARRASSING!!!!
Can I help you sir?
Yeah I notice
you don't have the
medicated shampoo
on the shelves?
Dandruff shampoo's in
aisle seven sir.
Oh it's not
for dandruff.
Lice?
No it's more down
...this region.
Just a moment sir.
[Over loud speaker]
Tweece would you call
please I have
a customer with crabs
and needs some "Crab Out".
Would you like the
big bottle or the little sir?
Um twenty-two of
the...NEVERMIND!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hey it smells like you
fumigated the place Julie.
Yeah I did this morning
so hopefully if all goes
well I'll be reopened
by the weekend.
That's the spirit Julian. I
knew a bunch of pesky little
dirty old crabs couldn't
defeat the mighty Julian.
So what's going on?
Well I thought I
should swing by
and let you know that
Sam and Cyrus
dropped my place
and gave me twenty-two hundred
dollars on the
downpayment only one percent.
And you accepted it?
Yeah, I had to Julian
they threatened me!
I guess they want to be
my friend more than you?
They don't give a
fuck about you.
I wish we were friends,
Julian.
We are! I don't have
twenty-two hundred bucks.
(Chuckling)
It's just money Julian.
(Quietly)
It's just money.
I'm a surprise kind
of guy.
I like personal gifts.
Use your imagination,
Julian. I think a guy like you
could think of something special
that would appeal to
old Jim Lahey. something
more say twenty-two hundred
bucks. I hope to see
you later tonight bud.
[Crashes]
Fuck sakes.
I'll let myself out.
[Sounds of
glasses being broken]
Ricky: Come on guys
we're not going
to win any fucking games
like this. You gotta pass it
harder, a little bit faster.
Lucy: Trin, let's go.
Trinity: What's wrong?
What kind of Father lets
his daughter be around
a crab infestation? You
might think that it's okay
to bang whoever you
want to and not
give a shit about what you
pick up but it's disgusting.
I had nothing to do
with those crabs that was
Julian's thing and I wasn't
around any of those fucking
people. Here if you don't
believe me check me out, see
any crabs down there?
So you're not banging anybody?
There's actually only one person
in this world that I want to
bang but unfortunately
she's being banged by
somebody else. How
is mall cock?
George works night and he
works day and I'm left
basically to entertain myself.
Hmm that sounds like fun.
Darren, [whistle]
what the hell are you
guys doing, okay?
You don't do it you gotta
try to tie up his jersey
with one hand like this, hit him
in the face a couple of
times, okay? After that try
to pull a jersey right
up over his head and feed him
right in the FUCKING head
with upper cuts. You don't
take him to the ground
that's what pussies
do. Try it again.
Okay George is working later so
maybe I'll pop by.
Are you serious?
Yeah maybe.
Trinity: I'm going to stay
for a bit, okay?
Lucy: Right. See you later.
Ricky: I hope so.
They almost done in
there?
Photographer: 'Kay, ready?
Action!
Come on down to Sunnyvale
Trailer Park to the "Dirty
Dancer" where the rock
vodka's on tap and you can
have these girls twerking on
your lap, twenty-five dollar
combo and all dancers are
crab free guaranteed.
Photographer:
Okay CUT!
um, T that was good but you guys
it's an Internet commercial
so I need you to like get
your boobs out and make out
or something.
Here I'll show you.
Julian: T...when
do you think you
can get this commercial online
man? We gotta fuckin' open.
We can get it as soon
as you want man but
Mister Green just
picked another crab off himself.
Are you fucking kidding
me. Ah all right, we're
not open inside
obviously for FUCK SAKES!!!
T: Yo, you all right man?
Julian: Yeah I just got...I
need help with somethin' but
yeah I'll...I'll figure it
out, just keep doing
what you're doing
it's looking good
man, all right?
Okay that is much better you
guys. Okay, Tyrone, get
right in there.
You guys, get up on Tyrone.
Tyrone, get right under.
Don't be shy. Perfect.
Try it again from the top.
[Electric buzzing sound]
Lahey: Randy I'm coming in.
You were shaving your ball
sack, weren't ya? Jim Lahey:
You caught crabs at Julian the
other night, didn't you Randy?
RANDY!!! Stop acting
like a pig!
[Belches several times]
You want the truth?
Yeah, I think I
deserve it.
I told ya I've
got needs and
you haven't been able
to fulfill them... Randy...
...so I got really
drunk and really horny
and I had sex with a woman.
Was it really dirty and did I
enjoy myself? Yes!
Do I feel like shit right now?
Yes.
Am I going to get friggin'
drunk? BIG TIME!!!!
[Door Slams]
[Sounds of Liquor Being Drunk]
Trinity: Do you hate Jacob, Dad?
Ricky: No I don't hate him
I mean...first I didn't
really know what to think
'cuz well he's kinda
fuckin' weird and he's got a
brain like Trevor's and I was
just worried my little girl's
going to end up with a guy
that would never be a man.
But then he went to jail and
he didn't cry and it made me
kinda think like fuck, wow
maybe this guy
could be a man so,
do you understand what I'm
trying to say?
Yeah, thanks Dad. I love you.
I love you too
pumpkin.
[Door opens]
Trinity: Hey Julian.
Julian: Hey Trin.
Wow, this place is
incredible man.
It's a good thing
you're doing buddy.
Yeah it's going to
be good for the kids and
help keep me busy
during my retirement.
Yeah retirement.
Don't you miss all the
crazy shit we used to do?
Of course I do.
Good 'cuz I need you
to do a job with me
and the only person that
can help me out.
I can't be doing
jobs anymore.
I don't need to,
'm retired.
But this
is an easy job!
All we gotta do is steal
something worth around
two grand to
chill Lahey out.
I'm sorry man
but I can't
I'm going to be a
fuckin' Grandad now.
Do you want your Grandchild
to grow up in Sunnyvale?
Of course I fucking do.
Okay well if you
don't help me out he's
not going to be able to, and
you think about that man.
Okay fine, I'll
fuckin' help you out
but one condition...
What?
Me and you are
going to get high
as fuck all day
like we used to.
Not a fuckin' problem.
All right, deal.
Got enough
joints there buddy?
Gettin' there.
Julian: (inhaling) Holy shit
this honey oil's insane man.
Ricky: (Slurring) No fuckin'
kidding it's like pure THC
liquid from the fuckin'
heavens. < Laughing >
Ricky:
It's the marshmelon man.
Bubbles: Ah yeah, laugh it up
boys. Laugh it up, must be
nice to sit out here and not
have to deal with goddamn
dirty cock crustaceans.
Ricky: Holy fuck man, chill.
Here have a toke of this
honey oil, it's fucking
awesome! Julian: It's really
good man.
Bubbles: So you three are
just sitting out here
gettin' baked are you?
Well guess what?
Julian: Guess what?
Bubbles: What?
Julian:
No, what do you want
us to guess?
Ricky: What?
Julian: (Chuckling) What
happened there?
Bubbles: Holy fuck
you guys are baked.
This is guess what,
somebody's got to drive me
to the laundrymat
to wash these dirty little
fuckers off my sheets, now
let's go.
Julian: Bubs we're way
too busy today man.
Ricky: Yeah man way too
fuckin' high (chuckles).
Bubbles: Oh yeah? How 'bout I
dump the fucking things...
Ricky: Fuck off!
Julian: Oh no, no, no fuck off!
Fuck off Bubs!
Bubbles: Get the fuck up.
Julian: Throw your dirty
crab bag into Ricky's trunk.
Ricky: I'm not taking my
fuckin' car.
Julian: Rick, your car has three
doors, it's easier man.
Ricky: Here you stay here
little buddy.
Julian:
How do you fuckin' function
like this every day, Rick?
Ricky: It's fun, isn't it?
Ricky: YOU MAKE SURE THAT
FUCKING BAG'S GOOD AND TIED
UP THERE BUBBLES!!!
Bubbles: You make sure you FUCK
OFF Ricky, how 'bout that?
Bubbles: Okay boys
now that you're both
good AND FUCKING
HIGH I need you to go on
a little mission for me. Bear,
I need you to go to the
pharmacy and get me
twenty-two bottles of
medicated crab shampoo.
Julian: (Laughing)
Twenty-two bottles, are
you fucking kidding me?
Bubbles: That's how
much it's going to take
and you can tease
me and make fun of me
or you can put on
this suit and take the dirty
old sheets and go wash them
yourself it's your choice.
Ricky: Holy fuck man, calm
down. Look I had nothing to
do with this but I'll make
you a fucking deal. We'll get
your crab shampoo as long as
you promise to take a big
fucking hit off of this
bong and get in a
fucking better mood with us.
Bubbles: I don't want to haul
off that and I don't want to get
in a better FUCKING mood.
Julian: Be a hell of a lot more
fun watching shit go around and
around baked Bubs, come on
man don't be a grumpy fuck.
Bubbles: [sigh] All right. One
hit, is this the strong stuff?
Julian: No man (Chuckling).
[Laughing]
Ricky: Good luck buddy.
Bubbles: (Spitting) Jesus
Julian: He just
spit in your car.
Ricky: Hey man...
Bubbles: Ha, ha, ha, did I?
Ricky: Don't spit on...don't
spit on my car.
Ha, ha, ha
screwdriver.
Ricky!! (chuckles)
Okay, focus Bubbles.
Focus, you gotta
job to do here.
Focus,
stay focused.
Julian: What the
fuck is he doing?
Ricky: He's fucked up.
Bubbles: Boys, what was i doing?
Ricky: Laundry [laughs].
Bubbles: [laughs]
Laundry's hilarious.
Put your clothes
in a machine [laughs]
What the fuck are
we supposed to do?
Um...we've got
to get twenty-two
bottles of crab shampoo
[laughing]
Oh yeah.
Holy fuck!
Twenty-two!
Randy: Hey Don!
[sniffing] Ah hey!
You've made love recently.
You dirty fucker.
You and Mister Lahey finally
worked things out.
No we didn't actually.
Oh no?
Got really drunk and had sexual
intercourse with a woman.
Oh ho ho, who's the lucky punta?
I'd rather not say.
Don: Ah!
Randy: The worse thing is is
I caught crabs. 'Cuz you and
I work so closely together
I'd advise you to check
yourself out and fumigate
your trailer immediately.
Don: Crap it all Randall I
certainly can't harm a
creature of this world.
Randy: But the friggen things
spread like crazy! I had to
shave my whole region. Don:
I'll simply just meditate
them away again! Randy:
You've had 'em before? Don:
Yes, many times! Randall I've
been with plenty of women in
this world and there's always
a chance of picking up a few
of the unwanted hitchhikers
of love. Remember to sift
throughth sand next time
before you dive into the
dewiness, ha ha.
J-Roc: T, you know what I'm
sayin' I didn't work for months
to make Roc Bocca a premium
brand just to have you take
it down a notch with one video
upload with crabs in it dog.
T: We're trying to
reopen the bird.
I mean we gotta
move some roc.
Dog you gotta
raise the bar,
you know what I'm sayin'?
It's a premium brand.
Ain't nobody interested in
crabs 'less you opening
a seafood shack bitch!
Look...look I know.
Nobody wants
crotch critters
on their shit.
Yeah I figure,
my bad, my bad.
But shit's been
crazy since you
got locked up and
I can't roll up here
every day looking
for approval and shit.
You think shit's
crazy where you at?
Try being up in herr,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Shit crazy. Motherfuckers
pushing up on me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
I'm hard, but I'm
just worried 'cuz
other motherfuckers
are even more
hard if you know
what I'm saying.
You hard, you just
hold your head up
and hold tight.
Alright? Alright.
Hey T...
come here you meh.
Good to
see you boi.
Bubbles: All right
you pinchy little bastards.
It's the end
of the line for you guys. Oh no!
NO!!! Oh my god!
(Whispering) Oh my god, oh my
god don't panic Bubbles,
don't panic. Do not panic! Oh
my god the suit...oh, OH it's
stuck! IT'S STUCK!!! OH, OH,
OH MY GOD!!! Oh I can feel...
Oh my god! HELP ME GET
NAKED!! HELP ME GET NAKED!!
THEY'RE GOING FOR MY BIRD!!!
They're... they're going for
my bird!!!
Julian: No man, I'm
baked out of my mind,
I'm...I'm too baked!
I can't even fucking
think about what
we get Lahey.
What about a new
stove man?
One of those ones ,you
know, the nice ones with
the glassy tops, he'd
fucking love that.
Sam and Cyrus gave
him twenty-two hundred bucks,
you want to get
a glassy top stove?
It was just a thuck.
Thuck! All right man,
you go get the shit,
I'm waiting here.
No, no, no.
I had nothing to do
with the FUCKING crabs.
I'm not going in there
to buy that shit.
What if Lucy saw me?
Lucy?
Lucy's banging
George, That's
fucking disgusting.
Julian, they say
beauty is in the eye
when you hold her.
I still love her and
I'm not fucking going
in there to buy that
shit, FUCK THAT!!!
Fine, I'm
too big to do
this shit man.
You've changed Julian.
Shut up man
no I haven't.
♪♪
Pharmacist: Can I help
you find something?
Sir?
Tooth...toothpaste
and it's...
It's not toothpaste.
julian: [whispers] Fuck.
Ricky: Fuck you clouds...
squish.
Julian: I fucked up. You
need to go in there and get it.
Ricky: I told you, I can't
be seen buying that shit!
Julian: Well here put this
on and say you got bad
allergies or somethin'.
Ricky: No!
Julian: Listen your the one
that promised Bubbles, not me.
Ricky: Jesus Christ, fine.
If I'm going to do this I'm
fuckin' doing it my way.
Julian: What are you doing?
Ricky: I'll be right back.
♪♪
Ricky: Everybody put up your
fucking hands and freeze!!!
Hello?
I'M NOT HERE TO HURT
ANYBODY, I WANT SOME
FUCKING CRAB SHAMPOO
AND SOME OF THOSE
PILLS THAT HELP MAKE YOUR
FENIS GET BIGGER!!! MOVE!!!
Male Pharmacist:
(Stuttering) Fen...fenis?
AH FUCK WHAT KIND OF
PEOPLE'S DOCTOR ARE YOU?
DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT A FENIS IS.
MOVE, MOVE.
HURRY THE FUCK UP QUINCY.
Here's your...
box of shampoo.
And your pills to
make your fenis get bigger.
Look we understand
if you're embarrassed
to buy this stuff,
lots of people are,
just don't hurt us.
Ricky: Embarrassed?
I don't get embarrassed.
The shampoo's for my friends and
the pills are for my FUCKING
daughter you labcoat dummy.
Just take that.
Ricky: Don't fucking move.
[DISTANT SIRENS]
Ricky: COPS!! FUCK!!
Julian: Get us outta here!
FUCK!!
Ricky: What the fuck?
I guess it wasn't for us.
Bubbles: You shouldn't
touch me 'cuz you're
going to get things
on ya. You're gonna
regret it! I'm telling
ya they're going to be
crawlin' all over ya.
For fuck sakes!
Ricky: The hot tub,
gold and silvery banjo,
a fucking outdoor crookie
tooker, I don't fucking know.
Crookie tooker?
Let's just
go to Lahey's, ask him
what he wants and
we'll go and get it.
We can't man, he
wants it to be a
fucking surprise.
Well we can't go
do a job right now with
Bubbles with us...
so what the fuck are
we going to do?
Well we'll have to
take him home
and come back
out and I'm NOT
smoking anymore of
your dope.
Yes you are that
was the deal.
Ricky: Hey Gary!
Fuck off.
Julian:
How'd it go buddy?
Bubbles: How'd it go
ah let me see...oh
I got sentenced to community
service, indecent exposure,
resisting arrest and
under the influence
of narcotics. They thought
I was on bath salts when
I stripped down
other than that, great!
Julian: So what kind of
community service they give ya?
Oh I gotta go to
a school and tell little kids
the dangers of using
drugs and you guys are
comin' with me believe me.
Ricky: Fuck that I'm not
doing that shit man.
On a good boat we got your crab
shampoo it's in the back.
Bubbles: I hope the
fuck you stoned bastards got
the right stuff. Where is it?
Holy fuck boys...I
didn't need the great
big jugs that's awesome
though! Really be able
to do some damage
with that.
Ricky: Yeah it was
ah it was on sale.
What's all this other stuff?
Ricky:
Oh I picked up
some pills to
help Trinny's fenis get
growing better.
Bubbles: Her what?
Ricky: The fenis that's
what they call the baby
when it's in the stomach
before it gets born.
Fenis? Ricky these
are penis pills! That's
like five thousand dollars
worth of cock stiffners there!
What?
Those pharmetry
fucking idiots!
Bubbles: Oh
wait a second, so that means
you stole the fucking stuff
too! Oh my god boys get me
the fuck home right now
before I end up back in there
because of you two!
You just saved
the day buddy.
How?
By fuckin' up (chuckles).
Bubbles: Fenis pills.
Julian.
Hey Jim.
Is that for me?
Sure is buddy.
Come on in.
Why would I need
all these?
Has Randy been
spreading rumours
about me?
Oh fuck no. I
overheard you guys
talking about
your little situation
the other night just
before you fell
through the roof
of the bar.
Oh...I don't know
what to say.
I'm not going
to tell anyone.
I don't care if your
dick doesn't work man.
All I care about is
you and Randy.
I want to help you
guys out because...
that's what
friends do for
friends, Jim.
We're friends?
Of course we are.
Isn't it better
this way?
Yeah.
Just so you
know no matter
how much
liquor you got
in ya those pills
will always work.
Really?
Yeah, I've tried 'em
a few times...just
between you and I,
you know.
I want to thank you
very much Julian
and this goes
a long, long way with me.
So you're happy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Why don't you take
one of those pills
and go find Randy.
Have some fun man.
Right.
You look like shit Jimmy.
I gotta go man.
All right cheers buddy!
[door knock]
Lucy: Hey Rick.
Ricky: What brings
you to this dick of the woods?
Lucy: Well George
is working tonight
and Trin's got a date
with Jacob so i thought
that I would pop by.
Nice. I was just thinking
about you guys.
Aw, I love
that picture of us.
Me too.
That's sweet that
you were thinking about
us and I was thinking
about you and...
I always think about you.
Really?
Yeah.
So what do you
think about exactly?
Well I was kinda thinking
that since you're with George
and you're probably not
getting banged, right? And
I'm not with anybody and don't
really want to bang anybody
but you then maybe we can become
friends with the benedicts.
Who are the Benedicts?
You know those
people you become
friends with if you
wanna bang each
other with no things attached,
friends with the benedicts.
Right...are you sure you want to
be friends with the benedicts?
Oh it might be good
for Trinity and the Grandchild.
I mean we're going to be
fucking Grandparents
Luce, can you believe it?
So tell me Grandpa do
you ah remember what
it is that Grandma loves?
You're fuckin' right I do.
Barb: Oh hey Julian!
Hey, how ya doin'?
Good oh I'm so glad you
could come for a drink
I know how busy
you are these days.
Hey we're partners.
Wow, these the crystals
you got on
your little trip?
Yeah they are and they
have amazing properties,
I'm going to tell you
all about them but first
I...I...I... need your
advice on something.
Now I ah don't laugh
okay? But I decided
to try my luck in
online dating. Well
I haven't had a whole
lot of success with
men as you know so
I've been...I've been
looking through...
Barb, don't do
that.
But ah Julian
I don't want
to be alone.
Yeah but if you
end up with a fucking
dickhead then you're just
missing out on a opportunity
to find that special guy that,
you know, is going to love
you for who you are!
Some guy that likes
crystals. Some guy that
thinks you're the best
fucking person in the world.
You deserve the best
like don't fucking settle
for anything but the best
'cuz you fucking deserve it.
You're right.
You are absolutely
right. I do deserve
the fucking best.
Damn right.
And I won't settle
I will wait for it to
come to me.
It might take a
little time but...
Hey, what's time?
Want to get high?
Ha, you kidding me?
No, I do once
in a blue moon.
I...I tried it again
at the retreat it was
all about
consciousness
raising.
Here. Sarah gave it to
me it's... it's ah
Ricky's honey oil.
Come on, fire up.
Fuck it.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
looks like you're infested too
Wayne Newton. Sorry
little buddy. Bubbles: You're
gonna have to just hang in
there until I can get back
with the proper crab shampoo.
[Sound of a click as
a barbecue lighter is lit]
You dirty little
pinchy bastards.
Crabs are the dirtiest
little crustaceous
fuckin' cock inhabitants
on the face of
the planet and there's no way
I'm letting them get on my bird.
They latch right on to
your package with their dirty
little pinchy cock claws.
They start fuckin' hatching
eggs, it's terrifying!
Well I went online
and I calculated I need about
twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo to get rid of the
infestation on my kitties,
twenty-two fucking bottles!
Do you know how embarrassing
that's going to be to us for
twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo? I'll tell ya,
VERY EMBARRASSING!!!!
Can I help you sir?
Yeah I notice
you don't have the
medicated shampoo
on the shelves?
Dandruff shampoo's in
aisle seven sir.
Oh it's not
for dandruff.
Lice?
No it's more down
...this region.
Just a moment sir.
[Over loud speaker]
Tweece would you call
please I have
a customer with crabs
and needs some "Crab Out".
Would you like the
big bottle or the little sir?
Um twenty-two of
the...NEVERMIND!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hey it smells like you
fumigated the place Julie.
Yeah I did this morning
so hopefully if all goes
well I'll be reopened
by the weekend.
That's the spirit Julian. I
knew a bunch of pesky little
dirty old crabs couldn't
defeat the mighty Julian.
So what's going on?
Well I thought I
should swing by
and let you know that
Sam and Cyrus
dropped my place
and gave me twenty-two hundred
dollars on the
downpayment only one percent.
And you accepted it?
Yeah, I had to Julian
they threatened me!
I guess they want to be
my friend more than you?
They don't give a
fuck about you.
I wish we were friends,
Julian.
We are! I don't have
twenty-two hundred bucks.
(Chuckling)
It's just money Julian.
(Quietly)
It's just money.
I'm a surprise kind
of guy.
I like personal gifts.
Use your imagination,
Julian. I think a guy like you
could think of something special
that would appeal to
old Jim Lahey. something
more say twenty-two hundred
bucks. I hope to see
you later tonight bud.
[Crashes]
Fuck sakes.
I'll let myself out.
[Sounds of
glasses being broken]
Ricky: Come on guys
we're not going
to win any fucking games
like this. You gotta pass it
harder, a little bit faster.
Lucy: Trin, let's go.
Trinity: What's wrong?
What kind of Father lets
his daughter be around
a crab infestation? You
might think that it's okay
to bang whoever you
want to and not
give a shit about what you
pick up but it's disgusting.
I had nothing to do
with those crabs that was
Julian's thing and I wasn't
around any of those fucking
people. Here if you don't
believe me check me out, see
any crabs down there?
So you're not banging anybody?
There's actually only one person
in this world that I want to
bang but unfortunately
she's being banged by
somebody else. How
is mall cock?
George works night and he
works day and I'm left
basically to entertain myself.
Hmm that sounds like fun.
Darren, [whistle]
what the hell are you
guys doing, okay?
You don't do it you gotta
try to tie up his jersey
with one hand like this, hit him
in the face a couple of
times, okay? After that try
to pull a jersey right
up over his head and feed him
right in the FUCKING head
with upper cuts. You don't
take him to the ground
that's what pussies
do. Try it again.
Okay George is working later so
maybe I'll pop by.
Are you serious?
Yeah maybe.
Trinity: I'm going to stay
for a bit, okay?
Lucy: Right. See you later.
Ricky: I hope so.
They almost done in
there?
Photographer: 'Kay, ready?
Action!
Come on down to Sunnyvale
Trailer Park to the "Dirty
Dancer" where the rock
vodka's on tap and you can
have these girls twerking on
your lap, twenty-five dollar
combo and all dancers are
crab free guaranteed.
Photographer:
Okay CUT!
um, T that was good but you guys
it's an Internet commercial
so I need you to like get
your boobs out and make out
or something.
Here I'll show you.
Julian: T...when
do you think you
can get this commercial online
man? We gotta fuckin' open.
We can get it as soon
as you want man but
Mister Green just
picked another crab off himself.
Are you fucking kidding
me. Ah all right, we're
not open inside
obviously for FUCK SAKES!!!
T: Yo, you all right man?
Julian: Yeah I just got...I
need help with somethin' but
yeah I'll...I'll figure it
out, just keep doing
what you're doing
it's looking good
man, all right?
Okay that is much better you
guys. Okay, Tyrone, get
right in there.
You guys, get up on Tyrone.
Tyrone, get right under.
Don't be shy. Perfect.
Try it again from the top.
[Electric buzzing sound]
Lahey: Randy I'm coming in.
You were shaving your ball
sack, weren't ya? Jim Lahey:
You caught crabs at Julian the
other night, didn't you Randy?
RANDY!!! Stop acting
like a pig!
[Belches several times]
You want the truth?
Yeah, I think I
deserve it.
I told ya I've
got needs and
you haven't been able
to fulfill them... Randy...
...so I got really
drunk and really horny
and I had sex with a woman.
Was it really dirty and did I
enjoy myself? Yes!
Do I feel like shit right now?
Yes.
Am I going to get friggin'
drunk? BIG TIME!!!!
[Door Slams]
[Sounds of Liquor Being Drunk]
Trinity: Do you hate Jacob, Dad?
Ricky: No I don't hate him
I mean...first I didn't
really know what to think
'cuz well he's kinda
fuckin' weird and he's got a
brain like Trevor's and I was
just worried my little girl's
going to end up with a guy
that would never be a man.
But then he went to jail and
he didn't cry and it made me
kinda think like fuck, wow
maybe this guy
could be a man so,
do you understand what I'm
trying to say?
Yeah, thanks Dad. I love you.
I love you too
pumpkin.
[Door opens]
Trinity: Hey Julian.
Julian: Hey Trin.
Wow, this place is
incredible man.
It's a good thing
you're doing buddy.
Yeah it's going to
be good for the kids and
help keep me busy
during my retirement.
Yeah retirement.
Don't you miss all the
crazy shit we used to do?
Of course I do.
Good 'cuz I need you
to do a job with me
and the only person that
can help me out.
I can't be doing
jobs anymore.
I don't need to,
'm retired.
But this
is an easy job!
All we gotta do is steal
something worth around
two grand to
chill Lahey out.
I'm sorry man
but I can't
I'm going to be a
fuckin' Grandad now.
Do you want your Grandchild
to grow up in Sunnyvale?
Of course I fucking do.
Okay well if you
don't help me out he's
not going to be able to, and
you think about that man.
Okay fine, I'll
fuckin' help you out
but one condition...
What?
Me and you are
going to get high
as fuck all day
like we used to.
Not a fuckin' problem.
All right, deal.
Got enough
joints there buddy?
Gettin' there.
Julian: (inhaling) Holy shit
this honey oil's insane man.
Ricky: (Slurring) No fuckin'
kidding it's like pure THC
liquid from the fuckin'
heavens. < Laughing >
Ricky:
It's the marshmelon man.
Bubbles: Ah yeah, laugh it up
boys. Laugh it up, must be
nice to sit out here and not
have to deal with goddamn
dirty cock crustaceans.
Ricky: Holy fuck man, chill.
Here have a toke of this
honey oil, it's fucking
awesome! Julian: It's really
good man.
Bubbles: So you three are
just sitting out here
gettin' baked are you?
Well guess what?
Julian: Guess what?
Bubbles: What?
Julian:
No, what do you want
us to guess?
Ricky: What?
Julian: (Chuckling) What
happened there?
Bubbles: Holy fuck
you guys are baked.
This is guess what,
somebody's got to drive me
to the laundrymat
to wash these dirty little
fuckers off my sheets, now
let's go.
Julian: Bubs we're way
too busy today man.
Ricky: Yeah man way too
fuckin' high (chuckles).
Bubbles: Oh yeah? How 'bout I
dump the fucking things...
Ricky: Fuck off!
Julian: Oh no, no, no fuck off!
Fuck off Bubs!
Bubbles: Get the fuck up.
Julian: Throw your dirty
crab bag into Ricky's trunk.
Ricky: I'm not taking my
fuckin' car.
Julian: Rick, your car has three
doors, it's easier man.
Ricky: Here you stay here
little buddy.
Julian:
How do you fuckin' function
like this every day, Rick?
Ricky: It's fun, isn't it?
Ricky: YOU MAKE SURE THAT
FUCKING BAG'S GOOD AND TIED
UP THERE BUBBLES!!!
Bubbles: You make sure you FUCK
OFF Ricky, how 'bout that?
Bubbles: Okay boys
now that you're both
good AND FUCKING
HIGH I need you to go on
a little mission for me. Bear,
I need you to go to the
pharmacy and get me
twenty-two bottles of
medicated crab shampoo.
Julian: (Laughing)
Twenty-two bottles, are
you fucking kidding me?
Bubbles: That's how
much it's going to take
and you can tease
me and make fun of me
or you can put on
this suit and take the dirty
old sheets and go wash them
yourself it's your choice.
Ricky: Holy fuck man, calm
down. Look I had nothing to
do with this but I'll make
you a fucking deal. We'll get
your crab shampoo as long as
you promise to take a big
fucking hit off of this
bong and get in a
fucking better mood with us.
Bubbles: I don't want to haul
off that and I don't want to get
in a better FUCKING mood.
Julian: Be a hell of a lot more
fun watching shit go around and
around baked Bubs, come on
man don't be a grumpy fuck.
Bubbles: [sigh] All right. One
hit, is this the strong stuff?
Julian: No man (Chuckling).
[Laughing]
Ricky: Good luck buddy.
Bubbles: (Spitting) Jesus
Julian: He just
spit in your car.
Ricky: Hey man...
Bubbles: Ha, ha, ha, did I?
Ricky: Don't spit on...don't
spit on my car.
Ha, ha, ha
screwdriver.
Ricky!! (chuckles)
Okay, focus Bubbles.
Focus, you gotta
job to do here.
Focus,
stay focused.
Julian: What the
fuck is he doing?
Ricky: He's fucked up.
Bubbles: Boys, what was i doing?
Ricky: Laundry [laughs].
Bubbles: [laughs]
Laundry's hilarious.
Put your clothes
in a machine [laughs]
What the fuck are
we supposed to do?
Um...we've got
to get twenty-two
bottles of crab shampoo
[laughing]
Oh yeah.
Holy fuck!
Twenty-two!
Randy: Hey Don!
[sniffing] Ah hey!
You've made love recently.
You dirty fucker.
You and Mister Lahey finally
worked things out.
No we didn't actually.
Oh no?
Got really drunk and had sexual
intercourse with a woman.
Oh ho ho, who's the lucky punta?
I'd rather not say.
Don: Ah!
Randy: The worse thing is is
I caught crabs. 'Cuz you and
I work so closely together
I'd advise you to check
yourself out and fumigate
your trailer immediately.
Don: Crap it all Randall I
certainly can't harm a
creature of this world.
Randy: But the friggen things
spread like crazy! I had to
shave my whole region. Don:
I'll simply just meditate
them away again! Randy:
You've had 'em before? Don:
Yes, many times! Randall I've
been with plenty of women in
this world and there's always
a chance of picking up a few
of the unwanted hitchhikers
of love. Remember to sift
throughth sand next time
before you dive into the
dewiness, ha ha.
J-Roc: T, you know what I'm
sayin' I didn't work for months
to make Roc Bocca a premium
brand just to have you take
it down a notch with one video
upload with crabs in it dog.
T: We're trying to
reopen the bird.
I mean we gotta
move some roc.
Dog you gotta
raise the bar,
you know what I'm sayin'?
It's a premium brand.
Ain't nobody interested in
crabs 'less you opening
a seafood shack bitch!
Look...look I know.
Nobody wants
crotch critters
on their shit.
Yeah I figure,
my bad, my bad.
But shit's been
crazy since you
got locked up and
I can't roll up here
every day looking
for approval and shit.
You think shit's
crazy where you at?
Try being up in herr,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Shit crazy. Motherfuckers
pushing up on me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
I'm hard, but I'm
just worried 'cuz
other motherfuckers
are even more
hard if you know
what I'm saying.
You hard, you just
hold your head up
and hold tight.
Alright? Alright.
Hey T...
come here you meh.
Good to
see you boi.
Bubbles: All right
you pinchy little bastards.
It's the end
of the line for you guys. Oh no!
NO!!! Oh my god!
(Whispering) Oh my god, oh my
god don't panic Bubbles,
don't panic. Do not panic! Oh
my god the suit...oh, OH it's
stuck! IT'S STUCK!!! OH, OH,
OH MY GOD!!! Oh I can feel...
Oh my god! HELP ME GET
NAKED!! HELP ME GET NAKED!!
THEY'RE GOING FOR MY BIRD!!!
They're... they're going for
my bird!!!
Julian: No man, I'm
baked out of my mind,
I'm...I'm too baked!
I can't even fucking
think about what
we get Lahey.
What about a new
stove man?
One of those ones ,you
know, the nice ones with
the glassy tops, he'd
fucking love that.
Sam and Cyrus gave
him twenty-two hundred bucks,
you want to get
a glassy top stove?
It was just a thuck.
Thuck! All right man,
you go get the shit,
I'm waiting here.
No, no, no.
I had nothing to do
with the FUCKING crabs.
I'm not going in there
to buy that shit.
What if Lucy saw me?
Lucy?
Lucy's banging
George, That's
fucking disgusting.
Julian, they say
beauty is in the eye
when you hold her.
I still love her and
I'm not fucking going
in there to buy that
shit, FUCK THAT!!!
Fine, I'm
too big to do
this shit man.
You've changed Julian.
Shut up man
no I haven't.
♪♪
Pharmacist: Can I help
you find something?
Sir?
Tooth...toothpaste
and it's...
It's not toothpaste.
julian: [whispers] Fuck.
Ricky: Fuck you clouds...
squish.
Julian: I fucked up. You
need to go in there and get it.
Ricky: I told you, I can't
be seen buying that shit!
Julian: Well here put this
on and say you got bad
allergies or somethin'.
Ricky: No!
Julian: Listen your the one
that promised Bubbles, not me.
Ricky: Jesus Christ, fine.
If I'm going to do this I'm
fuckin' doing it my way.
Julian: What are you doing?
Ricky: I'll be right back.
♪♪
Ricky: Everybody put up your
fucking hands and freeze!!!
Hello?
I'M NOT HERE TO HURT
ANYBODY, I WANT SOME
FUCKING CRAB SHAMPOO
AND SOME OF THOSE
PILLS THAT HELP MAKE YOUR
FENIS GET BIGGER!!! MOVE!!!
Male Pharmacist:
(Stuttering) Fen...fenis?
AH FUCK WHAT KIND OF
PEOPLE'S DOCTOR ARE YOU?
DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT A FENIS IS.
MOVE, MOVE.
HURRY THE FUCK UP QUINCY.
Here's your...
box of shampoo.
And your pills to
make your fenis get bigger.
Look we understand
if you're embarrassed
to buy this stuff,
lots of people are,
just don't hurt us.
Ricky: Embarrassed?
I don't get embarrassed.
The shampoo's for my friends and
the pills are for my FUCKING
daughter you labcoat dummy.
Just take that.
Ricky: Don't fucking move.
[DISTANT SIRENS]
Ricky: COPS!! FUCK!!
Julian: Get us outta here!
FUCK!!
Ricky: What the fuck?
I guess it wasn't for us.
Bubbles: You shouldn't
touch me 'cuz you're
going to get things
on ya. You're gonna
regret it! I'm telling
ya they're going to be
crawlin' all over ya.
For fuck sakes!
Ricky: The hot tub,
gold and silvery banjo,
a fucking outdoor crookie
tooker, I don't fucking know.
Crookie tooker?
Let's just
go to Lahey's, ask him
what he wants and
we'll go and get it.
We can't man, he
wants it to be a
fucking surprise.
Well we can't go
do a job right now with
Bubbles with us...
so what the fuck are
we going to do?
Well we'll have to
take him home
and come back
out and I'm NOT
smoking anymore of
your dope.
Yes you are that
was the deal.
Ricky: Hey Gary!
Fuck off.
Julian:
How'd it go buddy?
Bubbles: How'd it go
ah let me see...oh
I got sentenced to community
service, indecent exposure,
resisting arrest and
under the influence
of narcotics. They thought
I was on bath salts when
I stripped down
other than that, great!
Julian: So what kind of
community service they give ya?
Oh I gotta go to
a school and tell little kids
the dangers of using
drugs and you guys are
comin' with me believe me.
Ricky: Fuck that I'm not
doing that shit man.
On a good boat we got your crab
shampoo it's in the back.
Bubbles: I hope the
fuck you stoned bastards got
the right stuff. Where is it?
Holy fuck boys...I
didn't need the great
big jugs that's awesome
though! Really be able
to do some damage
with that.
Ricky: Yeah it was
ah it was on sale.
What's all this other stuff?
Ricky:
Oh I picked up
some pills to
help Trinny's fenis get
growing better.
Bubbles: Her what?
Ricky: The fenis that's
what they call the baby
when it's in the stomach
before it gets born.
Fenis? Ricky these
are penis pills! That's
like five thousand dollars
worth of cock stiffners there!
What?
Those pharmetry
fucking idiots!
Bubbles: Oh
wait a second, so that means
you stole the fucking stuff
too! Oh my god boys get me
the fuck home right now
before I end up back in there
because of you two!
You just saved
the day buddy.
How?
By fuckin' up (chuckles).
Bubbles: Fenis pills.
Julian.
Hey Jim.
Is that for me?
Sure is buddy.
Come on in.
Why would I need
all these?
Has Randy been
spreading rumours
about me?
Oh fuck no. I
overheard you guys
talking about
your little situation
the other night just
before you fell
through the roof
of the bar.
Oh...I don't know
what to say.
I'm not going
to tell anyone.
I don't care if your
dick doesn't work man.
All I care about is
you and Randy.
I want to help you
guys out because...
that's what
friends do for
friends, Jim.
We're friends?
Of course we are.
Isn't it better
this way?
Yeah.
Just so you
know no matter
how much
liquor you got
in ya those pills
will always work.
Really?
Yeah, I've tried 'em
a few times...just
between you and I,
you know.
I want to thank you
very much Julian
and this goes
a long, long way with me.
So you're happy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Why don't you take
one of those pills
and go find Randy.
Have some fun man.
Right.
You look like shit Jimmy.
I gotta go man.
All right cheers buddy!
[door knock]
Lucy: Hey Rick.
Ricky: What brings
you to this dick of the woods?
Lucy: Well George
is working tonight
and Trin's got a date
with Jacob so i thought
that I would pop by.
Nice. I was just thinking
about you guys.
Aw, I love
that picture of us.
Me too.
That's sweet that
you were thinking about
us and I was thinking
about you and...
I always think about you.
Really?
Yeah.
So what do you
think about exactly?
Well I was kinda thinking
that since you're with George
and you're probably not
getting banged, right? And
I'm not with anybody and don't
really want to bang anybody
but you then maybe we can become
friends with the benedicts.
Who are the Benedicts?
You know those
people you become
friends with if you
wanna bang each
other with no things attached,
friends with the benedicts.
Right...are you sure you want to
be friends with the benedicts?
Oh it might be good
for Trinity and the Grandchild.
I mean we're going to be
fucking Grandparents
Luce, can you believe it?
So tell me Grandpa do
you ah remember what
it is that Grandma loves?
You're fuckin' right I do.
Barb: Oh hey Julian!
Hey, how ya doin'?
Good oh I'm so glad you
could come for a drink
I know how busy
you are these days.
Hey we're partners.
Wow, these the crystals
you got on
your little trip?
Yeah they are and they
have amazing properties,
I'm going to tell you
all about them but first
I...I...I... need your
advice on something.
Now I ah don't laugh
okay? But I decided
to try my luck in
online dating. Well
I haven't had a whole
lot of success with
men as you know so
I've been...I've been
looking through...
Barb, don't do
that.
But ah Julian
I don't want
to be alone.
Yeah but if you
end up with a fucking
dickhead then you're just
missing out on a opportunity
to find that special guy that,
you know, is going to love
you for who you are!
Some guy that likes
crystals. Some guy that
thinks you're the best
fucking person in the world.
You deserve the best
like don't fucking settle
for anything but the best
'cuz you fucking deserve it.
You're right.
You are absolutely
right. I do deserve
the fucking best.
Damn right.
And I won't settle
I will wait for it to
come to me.
It might take a
little time but...
Hey, what's time?
Want to get high?
Ha, you kidding me?
No, I do once
in a blue moon.
I...I tried it again
at the retreat it was
all about
consciousness
raising.
Here. Sarah gave it to
me it's... it's ah
Ricky's honey oil.
Come on, fire up.
Fuck it.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪