Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 4, Episode 6 - If You Love Something, Set It Free - full transcript

- Look at all this trampled!
- Alright, calm down.

- Look at all the weed
that's fucking ruined!

Look at this, boys.
This is fucking snapped.

These are all fucking trampled
. There's a god-damned road

running through here. Everything
was going so fucking good.

All the plants were growing.
We planted all four fields

They were growing a lot bigger
than I expected.

No! Something had to fuck it up.
Now I've got weed being crushed,

plants snapped off.
And something or something

is fucking around here
and it's pissing me off.

Somebody is definitely fucking
with our weed.



- Or "something" is.

- Here, boys.
- Potato guns.

You just spray hairspray
in the bottom there

and then hit it
with these barbeque lighters

and a fucking potato will shoo
t out of there about 400 MPH

- Here's the hairspray, boys
. Here's the lighters. Okay?

- Be careful,
'cause they really fucking hurt.

I shot myself in the face
by accident one time.

- Come on, man.
Why don't we got real guns

- Do you want to go to jail?
Don't screw this up, Corey

- Geez!
- Yeah, don't fuck this up

- Yo, we got this.
- You're making me look bad.

- Are you guys
fucked in the head?

We're over here.
Take off the blindfolds.



And don't fuck those up.
They're my hockey socks.

Trevor, hands down.

Listen.

- What the fuck is that?
- Listen.

Holy fuck, boys,
what if it's a Samsquantch

It could be.
- They don't exist, Bubbles.

- Julian, you try telling that
to all the people

that got eaten by them.
Dirty bastards.

- Boys, I'll tell you who it is.
It's probably fucking Lahey.

- God, I hope
it's not a Samsquantch.

Fuck, I hate those bastards.

- Holy shit! Holy fuck!
Get the fuck off!

- Ow! Fuck! Ow!

Help me, Corey!
- Jesus, fuck!

- Ow, fuck! I'm fucking shot
, you idiots! Fuck!

You alright, man?

Fuck, something's got them

- Come on, get up.
- Boys!

- What the fuck
is going on over there?

- Boys, what was it?

- Man, I don't fucking know.

- Omigod, boys.

We are officially dealing
with a fucking Samsquantch

It's probably a ten-footer
, by the looks of that stuff

- Could somebody check and
see if my back's cut up, please?

- Turn around.

- Holy shit, dude.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. He'll be okay.

- Can we get the fuck out
of here, please?

We should probably get these
guys to the hospital anyway.

- Boys, no fucking way, man.
- Come on, Ricky, I'm scared

- We gotta leave these guys here
to protect the weed plants

- No, no, no.
These guys are hurt, Ricky

We're taking them back
to the park.

We gotta regroup and figure ou
t what the hell that thing was

- They're not getting in m
y fucking car. They're bleeding.

- Come on.
- Blood doesn't come out, boys

You're not fucking
getting in my car.

- Here, Ricky, give me
the chips. Hold this, Julian

Here.

Here.
- Ow! Fuck, Bubbles,

they're salt-and-vinegar.
- Ow, what are you doing?

- Bandages.
- You know what?

u All you guys do now is complain.
I'm gonna start calling yo

"little complainey twins. "
How would you like that?

- We're not that hurt, Ricky. We
can probably finish the shift.

We can go back to work.
Let's go, Corey.

- Oh, no, boys, let's go.
We'll get you fixed up.

You're gonna fucking bleed
to death. Come on.

- Fuck, boys, the lights are on.
She's probably fucking awake

- She's gonna be wild, Ricky

- I did try. I tried...
- Shhh!

- Ow! Oh, that's awful.
- Guys, listen to me-

- Where the fuck
have you guys been?

- You guys are gonna have to
work in the morning, alright

- Holy fuck. What happened t
o you guys? What'd you do, Ricky

- Nothing. You know what?
We found these guys drunk

in a ditch. They were on drugs
, beating each other up.

As a friend, I brought them home
so they didn't hurt each other

- They'll tell you some othe
r lies, but that's what happened

- That's bullshit, Ricky.
- Trevor, smokes, let's go

- Trevor, don't you dare.
- Trevor, let's go.

Let's go.

- I only have one left. I wann
a save it for the morning.

- Trevor, give me the smoke.
- Give me that fucking smoke

Let's go.

- You know what, Ricky? I know
you didn't find them drunk

You took them out
and you fucked them over again

e Do you know these guys
talk about how cool you ar

d all the fucking time? They
worship the fucking groun

you walk on
and you treat them like shit

You should try being nice
to them for a change.

- We love you, Ricky.
- Hands down, you guys.

- Trevor, let's go, light.

- You want to get into
this respect bullshit, okay,

y I'm willing to give these
two guys the responsibilit

of protecting the most important
thing in my life right now

That's big-time
respect and trust.

I'm gonna pay them
four bucks an hour.

- You don't get it, Julian

I'm gonna take them inside
and get them cleaned up

and you guys
can get the fuck out of here

and take care of your own
little fucking dope plants

Corey and Trevor,
inside right now. Go!

- I wouldn't mind making
four bucks an hour, Sarah.

- We'd love to hang out with you
guys and hire you,

but apparently it's clear
who makes the pants here.

- Sarah, they wanna hang out
with us. Please.

- Inside, right now.
Right now. Go!

- What about tomorrow?
Can we have them tomorrow?

- No. You can't ever have them
again, Ricky. Go fuck yourself

- Go fuck myself?
- Sorry, Sarah.

- Corey... we'll pick you guys
up tomorrow, alright?

- Boys, we gotta figure ou
t what the fuck that thing was

and deal with this dope problem.

We're not gonna have
enough money to buy the park

if this keeps happening, boys.
We're fucked.

- I figured it out, man.
It's no big deal.

I'm gonna get a tent

and go fucking camp
in that field.

Five, ten guns.
A big bag of dope.

I'm gonna
fucking take care of it.

I'm going to that field and on
e of us isn't coming out alive

It's not gonna be me.
- No guns, Ricky.

Go to bed, alright?

We've gotta get up
early tomorrow.

- Ricky, you can hang out
with me in my shed for a bit

- Got any food?
- I got bologna.

Julian, you want
a bologna sandwich?

Slow-fry bologna?

- I'll take one sandwich.
- Hang out with me for a bit

- Yeah, since, uh,

Randy and I have been back
in charge,

t we've been making great stride
s at collecting the back ren

and beautifying Sunnyvale.

Now Barb says that Ricky
and the jackass trio

are threatening
to take it all away.

Those idiots won't be buying
anything except a one-way ticket

back to con college and
they'll be on full scholarship

when they get there.

- Ricky, check this out. It'
s some kind of a nest or a bed

or something, man.
- Jesus Christ.

Julian, I've been watching
the Crocodile Hunter, man,

and it shouldn't be that fucking
hard to catch this thing.

- Boys, come here.
Look what I found!

Here's where the big
son of a whore's been

fucking running out
of the field.

- Holy fuck!
Look at all the weed.

Bubbles, hold the binoculars

If this thing is down there,
Julian, I want you to shoot him,

t I'm gonna jump on top of
the cock-sucker with the ne

and we're gonna have to beat
him with everything we got

I could need some help
from you dicks, alright.

You hear that there,
Mr. Microphone Man?

If we get these thing down
you fucking jump in and help us!

- Frig off, Ricky.
- Don't tell me to frig off.

If he attacks you,
I'm not even gonna jump in

- Boys, I slipped in poop!
Bigfoot poop!

Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

For fucksakes.

- Holy shit, boys, don't move.

So that's who's been eatin
g our weed.

- You little fuck.
Okay, you guys stay here.

I'll throw a net on him,
and choke him out.

- Ricky, put the net down.

You're not fucking choking
him out.

- Why?!
- It's just a big kitty, boys.

I can deal with this.
I know kitties.

- What if he has radies?
- It's rabies, not radies.

And he doesn't have rabies

He's been eating weed
for a fucking month.

He's baked out
of his goddamned mind.

I can tell just the way
he's standing there.

He only did that to Trevor

because he had
that leopard-print jacket on

See? H's just a big,
stoned, horny kitty

with the munchies.

Trevor was eating chips,too.
Who's a good boy?

- Bubbles, we gotta get ri
d of this fucking cat.

- Ricky, he's beautiful!
We're not getting rid of him

We're taking him back
to the trailer park

and putting him through rehab.
Come on, boy.

- Fuck.
Julian, this is fucked!

- Who's a good boy?
You look kind of French,

with your little moustache
I'm gonna call you Steve French.

That's a good name for you
. Who's a good boy?

Steve French. Boys, we gotta get
some food into Steve French,

I'd say, or he's gonna
start getting wild again.

What do you got to eat in there,
Julian?

- I've got some fajitas.
- Fajitas will work perfect.

All we gotta do is grind u
p a little bit of dope

and put it in with them to start
weaning him off the stuff.

Get some dope out, Ricky.
Come on, I know you got some

- I only got personal left. I'
not giving him any fucking dope.

- I know you got a bunch
in that Caddie. Go grab some

- Come on, he needs dope. He's
just a helpless little kitty

- Bubbles, listen to me. Thi
s isn't a helpless little kitty,

this is a dangerous
fucking kitty.

You know
he's gotta go, right?

Remember the saying "If you love
something, set it free"?

- I know. "If it comes back,
it's yours.

If it doesn't, it never was.

w I've heard it a thousand times
, but he needs our help right no

and the best thing to do is to
get some weed in the fajitas

Now let's do it.
- This is all I got left.

I'll give him some, but
I'm eating half those fajitas.

You hear that, Steve, or
whatever the fuck your name is

- Steve French. Julian, don'
t let him eat all the fajitas.

They're for Steve French.

- Hands off the fajitas.
- I'm eating half of them!

,
- You hang on, okay, Steve French? Climb up there

hang out
and give me two seconds

and I'll have a big plate
of weed-jitas for ya.

- Mr. Lahey!

There's...
there's a tiger outside.

It's eating...

it ate my cheeseburgers!
Mr. Lahey!

Some kind of tiger.

It attacked me.
It ate seven cheeseburgers

- You set up this elaborat
e charade to cover eating

seven cheeseburgers?
You ate seven cheeseburgers?

Randy, you promised me
this would never happen again.

- I'm not lying about this
. It was a great big tiger thing

Look, it puts it's teeth
right through the mustard

and ate all the burgers!
I'm not lying, Mr. Lahey.

- Tiger, huh?
Steve French!

- Maybe those jerks
have something to do with this

- Lahey, did you see anythin
g weird going on around here

- Yeah, Randy just got attacke
d by a tiger.

- That's right.
It ate seven burgers, Julian

- I'm calling the authorities.
- Lahey, think about that.

d You're gonna call George Green
and tell him Randy got attacke

by a tiger
that ate his cheeseburgers

Come on, it was probably Randy
. - It wasn't.

- Randy, get a net.
I'm gonna get my bow.

I'm gonna the bottom of this
and you better not be behind it.

- Lahey, you're gonna look
like an idiot again. Fuck!

Viagra?

- Julian, we found him.
- Well, lock him in your shed.

- He was down, fucking aroun
d with Donnie's garbage

and then he pooped on the hood
of Mrs. Peterson's car.

Alright, you go lay down right
there, Steve French, okay?

And I'll be right with you

You just have a nice nap.

- Close it up, Ricky.
- Close it up, Julian.

- Boys, we gotta get some weed
into him, I'm telling you.

Before we... let him go.

- What the fuck
are you guys doing?!

This is private fucking
property!

- We know there's a fuckin
g animal in here, Ricky.

Tracks lead right to shit-town
. What the fuck's going on?

- What the hell are you talkin
g about, Lahey, you idiot?

Look, this is none
of your fucking business.

We know what's going on here
. You're trying to fill my feet.

Guess what, Lahey,
you will never, ever

be the fucking trailer-par
k supervisor I was. Got that

You're fucking losing it, bud.
- You know what, Ricky?

You already lost it.
It's gone, bud.

Whatever it is,
whatever you are - gone.

He who looks into the abys
s

realizes that there's nothin
g looking back at him.

They only thing he sees

is his own character, Ricky.

You understand, bud?

The abyss?
The shit abyss?

- Means deep stuff, Ricky.
You wouldn't understand.

- What does it mean, then,
Randy? Huh?

What the fuck does it mean
? - I understand it.

- Oh, you do, do you? No,
you don't. Because it's fucked

Because everything you asshole
say you fucking take from books.

Guess what, I don't steal
anything from books.

You guys get the fuck out of
here. Get the fuck out of here

I'm serious.
Fucking take your net with you

- Frig off, Ricky!
- Oh, we caught a little animal!

Oh, there's a big fucking animal
in the trailer park!

Fucking dicks.
Get the fuck out of here!

- Shit abyss. I'm not scared o
f the shit abyss. Lahey's fucked

s
- Yeah, well if Lahey sees Steve French and call

the Department of Lands
and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

- What the fuck would they do?

- Did you see that tattoo
under Steve French's ear?

- No.
- Well, there's one there

and they use it for tracking
. They'll be able to track him

right back to our dope field
. Cops, jail. Fuck jail.

I'm not going back to jail
, Ricky. Not gonna happen.

- Julian, don't be dissing jail.
We've had some good

fucking parties in there.
We have good friends in there.

They fed you, you use their gym.
Come on, don't be dissing jail

It's not fucking cool.
- Boys, boys, boys.

Right now,
we gotta find somewhere

to put Steve French for a little
while. That's the task at hand

Over where J-Roc
used to hide his skin mags

Come on, Steve French.

I don't know, boys. He might
get scared under there.

- He'll be fine, Bubbles.
It's just for an hour or so,

until we can figure
something out.

- You hide under there,
and we'll be back for you.

Alright, boys, I'll go-

J- Roc?

- Who let that thing
out of the zoo?

- J-Roc?

- What are you mo-fuckers doin
g here, know what I'm saying

- Boys, calm down.
That's my kitty in there.

- You need to control
that mo-fucker, man.

- He won't hurt you. He's just-
- Yeah, okay. A lion, yeah

- What the fuck are you doin
g here? Thought you were in jail

- Mo-fucker, as far as you'r
e concerned I am in jail,

know what I'm saying?
My moms don't even know, yo.

- He only got sentenced
to community service, man,

and community service
does not sell records, man

- Alright, alright.
So let me get this straight.

You're hiding
underneath the trailer,

pretending you're in jail?
- I ain't pretending! Alright,

I am pretending I'm in jail.
- I had no idea. I thought-

- Don't tell nobody, though!

- Can we talk about
getting some weed

into Steve French
and calming him down?

- Bubbles, where the fuck
did you find a lion at, man?

- I ain't going back there
. - Fuck that, man!

- Ah, fuck! He's gone!

- Trevor, what the hell
are you doing in our trailer

- What are you doing?!

- Trevor!
Stop, drop and roll, Trevor!

- That's for fire, Randy.
Trevor, ball up, boy!

Trevor, ball up, make yourself
as small as possible!

- Trevor, what the fuck
is going on here?

- I don't want to talk about it.
Leave me alone.

- Jesus, why does he have
no pants on?

- Your tiger was chasing Trevor,
who hid inside the trailer

Then he went that way.
- Which way?

- Omigod.
Did he do things to Trevor

- Yeah, he did, Bubbles.
That's the last straw.

I'm gonna call in the heavies.

- Mr. Lahey, please.

Can you please,
please, don't do that?

- This is a dangerous situation,
Bubbles. I have no choice

but as Trailer Park Supervisor
to make the call.

- Fuck you, Lahey

and your little Trailer
Park Supervisor bullshit!

You don't even know
what a fucking supervisor is

Randy, where is he?
- He went that way, Ricky.

- Jim, Jim. You sure
you want to do that?

Cause it'd be a real shame i
f everybody in this trailer park

knew about those Viagra burgers.
I'll tell Ricky.

- Alright, Julian,

you have two hours to get
the situation under control.

- Thanks, Jim.

- Here kitty, kitty.
Steve French!

Steve French!
- Julian, this is fucked, man.

s We gotta deal with this.
First, it fucks over 50 gram

worth of dope,
now it's fucking over the park

- Ricky, we're getting that ca
t out of here today.

- Steve French! Here you are

Bubbles: one,
Steve French: zero.

Mm, turkey
and garbage juice.

Steve French, Steve French
, you just relax, okay?

Who's a good boy?

You go lay down.
- Ah, fuck!

- Listen, you can hear him
. He's in there,

that's who did it.
- Yeah, I hear him.

n Ricky, you want to tell
me why there's a mountain lio

trying to bang
one of my boyfriends?

- There isn't.
- Look, I can explain it all

I know he looks like
a big, ferocious crazy thing

But he's not. He's just
a little kitty at heart

and he's mixed up
'cause he's hooked on the weed

, Trevor, if you took this off
, that has the leopard on it

he probably wouldn't try
to do things to you.

, He wasn't trying to kill you
, he just found you attractive

probably, 'cause you do kind
of have a long slender body.

- Fucked up again, Trevor.
Nice going.

- Let's go, fuck!

- Ricky, get this cat out of
here or I'm pressing charges

There are kids that live here,
for godssake.

You know, children, family

- I know what fucking kids are
! I'm a hell of a lot better dad

than you'll ever fucking be.
- You have no idea

how stupid you are, do you
? - Actually, yes, I do.

- All he needs
is, like, 125 tins

of really high-quality cat foo
d

and that will distract him
from the weed. I promise.

He's not a bad kitty.

Not that much weed, Ricky,
that's good.

We're trying to wean him off the
stuff, not get him hooked on it.

- You can't get addicted
to weed.

You did a good thing here.
- I know. Look at him go.

He doesn't need hardly any wee
d

and he's all calm.

I could keep you forever.

- Bubbles,
he's not a shed kitty.

He belongs in the wild.
You know that.

- Yeah, Bubbles, I mean, look,

we'll just take him
and we'll let him go free.

Just like a little test.
And if he comes back,

it forever was,
just like the saying.

- It's the best thing for him.

- I know. Well, we're gonn
a have to take him

o to the other side of
the mountain to let him g

and we'll just have to modif
y one of my food dispensers

to put a little less weed
in his food every day.

That should work fine, I guess

- There's no fool
like an old fool.

The shit abyss.
- Hey, boys.

- Hey, Jules.

- We're taking the mountain lion
out of the park now.

Thanks for not being a dic
k on this one, Jim.

- No problem.
- Appreciate it.

- Oooh.

- He's wasted, Julian.

- I didn't tell anybody
about that Viagra thing, okay?

Does that stuff work?
- Oh, yeah.

- The shit abyss.

- Mr. Lahey, not another night
of the shit abyss.

Please!
- Oh, fuck it..

- Come on, Steve French,
in you go.

We're going for a little drive

There you go.

- What's that fucking smell?
- Keep driving, Rick.

- Steve, I know
you didn't shit on my seat

- No, everything's cool, Rick.

- Ricky?
- What?

- Steve French
pooped on the seat.

Come on, Steve French.

Come on now, look. Come here

Now I rigged this dope
contraption up for you.

And the way I got it geared,
a little less dope

will come out each time.
Aw, you don't give a fuck!

Look, you just press your pa
w onto there. Like that, see

And then the dope
will drop out here, okay?

It's time, buddy.

- Rick.

- Okay, come here, little buddy.
I'm gonna unhook you.

You're free.

- Ah, fuck.
- Shit!

- Boys. If you love something,
you set it free

and if it comes back to you,
it's yours.

- But you can't keep him, buddy.

- If it comes back, it's yours

You gotta get out now.
I gotta take you to the wild

Come on, Steve French.
Come on now, look.

This is for the best,
apparently,

so you're gonna have
to go now. So go on, git.

Go on. Get going
and stop looking at me

with those big fucking cut
e

saucer eyes of yours.
Just go on.

Look over there, Steve.

Look at her.

Go on, Steve French,

go get her.

Show her how you jump

and show her
that big package of yours.

Good kitty.

- You did the right thing,
buddy.

- I know. Thanks, boys.

Are you guys crying?

No, we're not fucking crying