Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 4, Episode 5 - Conky - full transcript

- Listen up, guys.
I need to talk to you.

, Sorry I haven't been able to
look after you properly lately

but there's just too many
of youse around.

Your parents have been
banging like crazy.

There's just so many
of youse around right now

and I've been losing focus
,

because I'm in a lot
of fucking pain.

But the pain I'm about to feel

is nothing compared
to what I've been feeling

by neglecting you little guys.
Oh...

- Corey and Trevor
are fucking lazy.



At least if we ask Bubbles
to fucking fertilize the plants,

we know it'll get done.

Shhhh! Listen.

- What the fuck's
he doing in there?

- You cocksucker!

- Fuck!
- Omigod! What happened?

- Bubbles, you just broke
my fucking nose!

- I'm sorry, Ricky. I didn't
know you guys were there.

Sorry. Are you alright?
- Come on, come on, get up

- Get up, Ricky. Are you okay?

- That looks like a clean break.
You'll be okay.

Here, stick this on your nose.
And get rid of that smoke.

Head back.

- U.N. President J. Edgar Hoover
once said,



"Ask not what your country
can do for you,

but what you can do
for your country".

- It's waving, Mr. Lahey.
- It's guaranteed tent, Randy.

That's what we're trying
to do here in Sunnyvale.

We're trying
to get the community

to take responsibility
for itself.

No more free handouts.

No power hook-ups,
no dope growing or anything.

A community spirit rests
on the amount of gratuity

that the community
will give back to itself.

That's why Randy and I -
we're back in power now -

we thought a bake sale
would be a great idea

as a kind of meet-and-greet.
- Yeah, it'd be a great idea

to bring people
in the community together

and to throw a more dollars back
in the Sunnyvale Community Fund.

- That Community Fund,
by the way, was denuded

by the outgoing Supervisor
, who shall remain nameless.

- Ricky.
- Ricky.

Mr. Lahey!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey! They're stealing!

- Stop stealing!

- This is your fund.
This is your community.

- Holy shit, Bubbles,
your face is fucked!

- Oh, it's not that bad.

- No, no, no. You let that
toothache go way too long.

- I can get her out.
- Open up. Let me take a look.

- No, it's no problem.
- Let me take a look. Open up.

- Julian.
- Bubbles, open up.

Oh, yeah. Your jaw
is totally infected, man.

We gotta take you
to the hospital, buddy.

- No fucking way, Julian.

I don't go to the hospital
. You know that.

r
- You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm ove

fixing carts, Bubbles.
You gotta go.

- But, boys, I had Conky with me
that time.

- Conky! Don't even say
that fucking name.

I hate that little fucker.

- In Grade Six, Bubbles made
this puppet he called Conky.

- What a little asshole.
- He took it with him

everywhere. It was kind
of like his confidante.

- His what?
- Never mind.

Anyway, we had
to take Conky away,

because it fucked Bubbles'
mind up big time.

- Yeah, even though
Bubbles was Bubbles,

he was two people
at the same time.

And he'd try to act
like this other person,

but he was still Bubbles.
It was fucked.

- Yeah, Randy, stand by.
I might need backup.

Hey, nice look, Ricky.
What are you doing?

Picking up rag sniffing now?

- Ah! My God, Lahey. Careful

- Those two shit-rats
just pissed

on 40 dollars' worth
of eclairs at the bake sale.

And Stinkster and Daisy were
doing it in front of the kids.

- My God.
- You better get that looked at.

It looks like
it might be infected.

- It is fucking infected,
dickwad.

What was your first
fucking clue?

- Written warning.

You keep those damn cats
under control, Bubbles.

Your status here as tenant
in Sunnyvale

is tenable to say the least.

You don't want to put it i
n jeopardy now, do you, Bubbles?

- Frig off, Mr. Lahey.

Julian, Lahey's right.

I haven't been looking
after them right,

because I've been
in too much pain.

- Come on, hospital. Let's go.
- No! I'm not going.

- You don't want to fuck
with infection. It's dangerous

Ricky, put that down. Come on.

- It's fucking stuck to me
. Stupid fucking thing.

- Boys, what are we doing
at this dirty old swamp.

- I just gotta check
something out, Bubbles.

- I gotta get this fucking truck
off my hand, boys.

It's driving me fucking nuts
! - Here, Ricky.

Just, look, you can
unhook the trailer.

That's not glued to you.

- Fuck!
- Ricky, get rid of that rag

You must've stopped
bleeding by now, man.

That's disgusting.
- What the fuck?!

Ah! It's fucking glued
to my face.

- Oh, don't pull on it, Ricky.
That's contact cement.

It'll rip the skin
right off you.

- Fuck!

- One time I was making a mode
I and I glued the wing

to a B-17 bomber
to my bird by accident.

- What?
- I was taking a pee.

Do you remember that time
I was walking funny

for a couple of weeks?
I had a wing on my bird.

,
- Jesus. Well, now, I got a fucking rag glued to my face

a truck glued to my hand.
This is bullshit.

- Don't worry about that.
We'll deal with that later

Bubbles, just wait right here.
We'll be back in a minute.

- Julian, this is fucked!
- Don't you guys think

I'm going to the hospital,
'cause I'm not.

- Julian, I don't know where
it is. It was fucking Grade Six.

I was drunk. I don't know
where I threw the little fucker.

- Ricky, you're gonna have
to try to remember, alright?

He's not gonna go
to the hospital without it

Think!

If that infection spreads, man
,

it's gonna cause mental illness.

It's gonna be dangerous.
I'm telling you right now.

- Well, it's in one of these
fucking swamps somewhere.

I dunno.
Just keep looking.

It's not my fucking fault.

- Describe where
you threw it again.

- In here somewhere.
I was drunk.

- There's a pond, Rick.

Is this it?

- I dunno, Julian.
I don't remember any of this

- Well, check it anyway.
I'm gonna look over here.

- Fuck...

Fuck.

Holy fuck, I found him, Julian

You little fuck-face!

- Remember, Ricky,
he's only a doll, okay?

- I fucking hate him, Julian
. - Just ignore him.

We've got to do this.

Let's go.
- You fuck with me

and it's fucking on,
I'll tell you that.

You little bastard.

- Julian, this fucking tooth
is killing me.

Can't we just rip it out?
Alright, she's settled.

We're ripping her out.
Let's get a rock and smash it.

- Bubbles, I've got
something for you.

- Omigod. Conky!

Conky, where have you been

Omigod!

Omigod, I've missed you.

I thought you were dead
for sure.

- I thought you were dead too,
you little bastard.

- Luckily I don't need oxyge
n to live underwater

like you do. Stupid!

- Julian, it's starting already.
I'm telling you right now,

if you fuck with my Conky,
I'm gonna fuck with you.

- Ricky, Ricky.
- I'm out of here.

- Ricky, I need
your help here, okay?

We gotta get him to the hospital
or he could go into a coma

- What, a coma? A coma?
I'm going into a coma?

- No, no, probably not.
You're gonna be fine, Bubbles.

- What's it like in a coma
? - Why don't you ask Conky

if it's okay
to go to the hospital.

a
- Conky, do you think... do yo u think it would be a good ide

for me to go to the hospital
and get that fixed?

- Well, I think it might b
e a good idea

to go on an adventure
with Julian and...

Ricky!

- Final warning, there,
fuck-face. Final warning.

- Hey, Rand.
I gave Bubbles his ultimatum

Hey, Sarah. How's it going

I got some eclairs to replac
e the ones that were ruined.

- Good thing. Lucy and I hav
e been working really hard

to hold this shit together
. - Yeah, I know.

- What is this money going t
anyway, Lahey? The liquor store?

- It's going to the community.

- Okay, what the fuck's been
eating these?

- Eating them? Cats!

Randy, we've got to do something
about the shit-rat problem

- Seriously, though,
what's this money going to

- Listen, Lucy, don't you worr
y about the money.

I'm the Trailer Park Supervisor.

I know exactly where this mone
y is going. Come on, Rand.

- It's okay, Bubs. It's okay

- Can I help you?

- Yes, you can. My friend'
s got an abscessed tooth.

We need someone
to take a look at it.

- No, we don't, actually,
Julian.

Let's just get the fuck
out of here. I'm fine.

- Um, uh, I'm sorry, sir.
There's no smoking.

And is this gentleman
with you too?

- Yeah, I'm fucking with him
. What do you mean, no smoking

- And what is your problem, sir?

- Well, now I can't smoke.
That's my first problem.

I've got a busted nose.
Which I now have a rag glued to.

And a fucking truck
glued to my hand.

How's that for a start?
- And he's fucked in the head.

He needs a brain transplant.

- Conky, I'm serious.
You better fuck off.

- Washington, code white,
please.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Want a piece of me,

you little dick?
- Ricky!

- Don't you touch me.

- What is the gentleman's
first name?

- Bubbles.
- And what is his last name?

- Uh, just Bubbles.
- Get the fuck away from me.

- Okay, and do you gentlemen all
live at the same civic address

- He lives in my shed.
Ricky lives in his car.

- Okay. And, um...

any health cards?
Social Insurance numbers?

Is there any information
you can give me?

- I do have one last bit
of information for you.

This is called
the double whammy,

which I only bring out
for special occasions, alright

So why don't you and
your whole hospital fuck off

You won't help me.
It's 'cause I live in a car.

Is that what it is? Fuck!
Holy Fuck!

- You guys can fuck off.
- What the fuck is this shit

I live in a car, you won't
fix me up or help my friend?

- Nice going, Ricky.
- Fuck you, Conky.

Fuck!

- Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.

- Frig off, Washington.

Are you happy now, Julian?

Bubbles is going to go
into a coma and die probably

You idiots.

- Conky, please. Just don't.
- Bubbles, don't worry.

I'll get that tooth out
somehow, alright?

- Who can go fuck whoseself?

Now you fuck off,
you little fucker.

- Rick, who the hell
are you talking to?

- The fucking squirrel
on my shoulder

just told me to fuck off.
- Ricky, you're hallucinating.

- Get a hold of yourself, Ricky.
Ricky, you just pissed on me

- Well, you pulled me away

- Just pretend
you're on mushrooms, alright

Just go with it.
Come on, let's go.

- There they are, Randy.
We got 'em, boy.

Where'd you get the cookies?

Where'd you get
the cookies, boys?

- Get up.
- On the car. Get up.

- I paid for those.
A legal transaction.

- Those cookies were stole
from the bake sale this morning.

- That's right.
You're stealing them.

- Why don't you call the cop
s and tell them

that we stole your cookies
. - That's a darn good idea.

I think I just might do that

- Wait, don't call the cops,
dude. Come on, don't, don't.

Ow!

- Okay, I tell you what.
You do me a little favour,

I won't call the cops.
I want you to round up

all of Bubbles' cats
and bring them to me.

- Bubbles, Bubbles, cool it.
Just stop that Conky stuff, man.

Get in the car.
- It's bad enough

I gotta deal with fucking
breathing in this shit.

I probably got brain... whatever
it's called or, mental, fuck

I just can't deal with you
. You know that?

I can't fucking deal with you.

- Bubbles,
stop with the Conky stuff.

- Julian, I can't be responsible
for every little thing

that comes out of his mouth,
you know.

- I should've left you in
the fucking swamp, you know.

That's where you belong,
in that fucking swamp.

- Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?

- I'm a good boy, Bubbles.

Get in, Julian.

- Ricky. Ricky, Ricky.

- Are you sure you want to use
the Community Fund

for this, Mr. Lahey?

- The cat population in the park
is Malthusian in scope, Randy.

We have no choice.

- This is hard, Mr. Lahey.

They're scratching
the shit out of us.

- The cat's in heat, Trevor,
and you're wearing

a leopard-print coat?
Smart. Real smart.

- You know, I think we shoul
d get paid more.

- No possible way.
Put the shit-rats in the car

- Well, when are we
getting paid?

- Shut up, Trevor. The shift's
not over. Get back to work

Goddamned shit-monkeys.

- What did you say?
- Move on, Trevor. Moving on

- Holy fuck, boys.
Sam's got his vet open again

He could take out your tooth
, Bubbles.

- Well, I got my veterinar
y practice

up and running again,
which is great.

It took a lot of bullshit, and
I'm on probation for two years

with the Veterinary Associatio
n of Canada,

but it's nice to be back doing
what I really love to do.

- No fucking way, boys.

You're not thinking of letting
that big square-headed,

greasy bastard work on my tooth,
are you?

- Bubs, Bubs, if he can take
a cat's tooth out,

he can take your tooth out
, okay?

It's basically the same thing.
Alright, here's the deal.

Ricky and I are gonna go
case the joint out,

make sure everything's cool,
because Sam's fucked.

We can get him to do this,
Bubbles.

What do you think?

- Alright, Julian.
I don't give a fuck anymore.

I just want this dirty fucking
tooth out of my mouth.

- Bubs, it's going to be okay,
alright? You wait here,

we'll get the situation
under control,

then come and get you. Conky
, get the fuck out of my face.

You gotta get that thing
under control, Bubbles.

He's driving me nuts.
- Come on, Rick.

- You're not gonna listen
to Ricky, are you, Bubbles

You're a lot smarter than he is.

- Conky, don't start.

- Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Jim Lahey's car is at the vet.

- What's Lahey doing here?

- Why don't you go find out,
Bubbles.

Or are you too scared?

- Conky, you better fuck off
, I'm telling ya.

- Fuck off?

You just remember I call
the shots here, Bubbles.

You got it?

- Yes, Conky.
- Good.

- Ninety-seven dollars per cat

Ninety-seven dollars?

- Okay, let's go
take a look around.

- We got at least 25 cats
back at the park.

Ninety-seven dollars?
Taxes in?

- Lahey? Randy?

What the fuck
are you guys doing here?

- Conky?
- Looking trim, Randy.

- Why in the fuck do you guy
s have my kitties at the vet

- I gave you written warning
. Now we're using the proceeds-

- For what?
To have my kitties killed?

You're having my kitties killed!
- Bubbles, Jesus!

I'll kill you, Randy!

- Give it to him, Bubbles.
- I'll kill you!

- Bubbles! Bubbles!

You got the wrong idea!
Let him go!

- What the fuck?

Julian, it must be the fumes
. I'm hallucinating, man.

It looks like Bubbles
has wings on his back

and he's strangling
Mike Bullard.

- Fuck, it is Bubbles. Come on
. - What?

Is he strangling Mike Bullard?
- No, it just looks like it.

It's Randy.
- Open the door, I'm going in.

- Where'd you get the gun?
- Doesn't matter. Open it.

- Let him go, Bubbles!
Bubbles, let him go!

- Hands over your heads!
- Bubbles, stop it!

- Put the fucking gun down, Sam.

Fuck!

- Don't shoot, Ricky.

- What's the matter, shitclamp
? Out of darts? Huh?

- Don't worry, Sam,
Ricky wouldn't hurt a flea

- I said shut the fuck up,
Conky.

Don't you fucking move, Sam.

We're probably going to jail
over all this bullshit.

Thanks a lot.
But before we do,

you're going to fucking give
us a hand. Au gratin.

- Sorry, Sam, but Bubbles' tooth
has to come out.

Unfortunately,
you are our only option now.

e
- Forget about it, Julian. I'v e already lost my practice onc

because of you guys. And thi
s shit's still trying to kill me

- Sam, shut the fuck up,
alright? Or next time,

I'm not going to miss,
I fucking promise you that

,
- You were one of the reason s we went back to jail last time

so you owe us.
- I owe you?!

- Sam, just take out
the fucking tooth.

Come on.

,
- Look, having a gunfight in the middle of my office

I'm sure is a breach
of my probation.

Okay, so you want
to shoot, shoot. Go ahead.

- Look, take out the tooth
and I'll get you out of this

with the cops.
It's not a big deal, alright

Holy fuck, purple squirrels!

- There's no fucking squirrels
. Keep that down.

- No more gunplay!
Fuck, if the cops aren't

already on their way,
they're on their way now, okay?!

So if you stop the gunplay
, I'll do whatever you want.

Anything.

- Why don't you just shoot off
your gun some more,

very recklessly like?

Idiot!

- Did you just call me an idiot,
Conky? Huh?

- Maybe I did... Raveen.

- Alright, "Raveen"
is taking it a little too far,

alright, you little fucker

- ? He's the fucking man
they call...?

- Don't say it, Bubbles.

- ? Raveen...?

- That's it. I have fucking ha
d it with you.

- Ricky, you're pointing
a loaded handgun at a puppet

- Yes, I am.

- Behind the puppet
is our friend.

The bullet will go through
the doll and kill Bubbles.

Give me the gun.

- I gotta kill this puppet
, Julian.

- Ricky, give me the gun.

Give it to me.

- Oh, those were excellent
negotiation tactics you used..

Patrick Swayze.

- That's not funny, Bubbles.

- ? Oh my Julian?

? My handsome Julian?

? Patrick Swayze?

? You were so fucking sex
y in Roadhouse?

? Fucking Dirty Dancing?

- My God!
Julian, what happened?

- I'm sorry, buddy. You were
going crazy on us, man.

- Smoking much dope lately
, boys? You guys are fucked.

- Fuck off, Sam.
- Fuck, the cops are here, boys.

- Alright, I got an idea.
It's pretty fucked up,

but it might work, okay?
- Is that dog pee?

- Yeah, hold this, Bubbles
. I'd say we got about

a 10% chance of getting
out of this one, boys.

- Attention.
This is the police.

Put down your weapons...

- Is that George Green?
- That's definitely him.

- Wicked. Forget what I said
Our chances just went up to 95%.

Julian, give me your drink
. - No way, Ricky.

- Do you want to go to jail?
Give me your fucking drink

- What are we going to do?

- I repeat. This is the police

Come out with your hands up.
- Fucking idiot.

Alright, Bubbles, here's
what I want you to do.

Poor that on them. Make it loo
k like they pissed themselves.

Julian, take the darts
out of them.

George, it's Ricky!

Randy and Lahey are in here!
They're drunk as fuck!

They've been drinking all day!
They came here fucking around,

but we got it under control!
Come on in slowly,

just take your time!

Fuck, boys, here they come
. - Ricky, get your darts out.

Not your cigarette darts,
these darts.

Pull them out.
- Take them out for me, Bubs

- Oh. Hey, there, George. Karen.

- Nobody move.
- No, we're not moving.

- Would somebody mind telling me

what the hell is going on here
. We got a report of gunfire

- There's no gunfire.
My car backfired out front

s That was all. Look, Bubbles
ha d an appointment for his cat

and me and Julian
brought him down here.

, These two idiots showed up
, drunk as fuck, starting shit

mumbling something
about shit-wolves.

Then they pissed themselve
s and passed out.

I don't fucking know.
They're fucked. You know that.

- Sam?

- Exactly. That's exactly
what happened, George.

- I can smell the booze
from here.

- No shit.
- Can you smell the pee?

Look at the piss on them.

- You going to want to press
charges here, Sam?

- No, I just want them out o
f here. I have a practice to run

- Karen.

- Ricky, we can help them, uh...
We can help you, George.

- Yeah, we'll give you
a hand, George.

- No problem.

- Deal's a deal, Sam.

,
- No problem, Julian. You get Bubbles back in here

I'll set up my table and we'll
get that tooth out, okay?

- Can you get that fucking rag
and model off Ricky too?

- Sure, Julian.

- Look at the size

of that cocksucker, boys.

- Holy fuck.
- I know.

- Boys, what the fuck is up with
me getting shot with three darts

and it didn't even affect me

I must be, like,
a superhero or something.

- Maybe you've got so much dop
e in your system

you're immune, Rick.

- Well, if that's the case then,
Julian, he is like a superhero

- Fucking right.

- Holy fuck, Ricky,
you know who you are?

- Who?
- You're Dope-Man!

He can smoke a pound

in a single bound.
- Hey, guys, what's up?

You seen Lahey and Randy
around? We gathered up

all your cats and we can't
find them anywhere.

- Haven't seen them?

- You helped round up my cat
s to have them killed?

- What are you talking about

Lahey's getting your cats
spayed, not put to sleep.

- You should know
we wouldn't do that, Bubbles

- Give me a break.
- Omigod, boys.

What have we done
to Lahey and Randy?

- Fuck 'em.

- Where are we, Mr. Lahey?

- I think we're in
the drunk tank, Randy.

Looks like you pissed yourself
, bud.

- You pissed yourself too,
Mr. Lahey.

- Oh, not again.

- Boys, maybe I could keep his
glasses and his little sweater

- No fucking way, Bubbles.

- Come on, buddy.

- Fuck you, Conky.