Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - I'm Not Gay, I love Lucy. Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay - full transcript

- That must be Ricky right now

It's scary, but Ricky's actually
starting to get his shit together.

I guess he didn't drink
last night

so that he could take his family on
a picnic today and not be hung over

I'm pretty impressed with him.

How's it going, Rick?
- What's going on man?

- Look, can I borrow your propane
stove and ten bucks for smokes?

- Ten bucks?

- All right, it's no big deal,
it's just the radiator.

Shut it down,
let's go, let's go.

- Christ! Someone want to get me out
of this thing before it explodes?



- Randy get the fire
extinguisher.

Better call the fire department

before Mr. Stupid's car explodes.
- Frig off, Lahey.

- Did you just call my son
stupid, asshole?

- This happens all the time, it's no
big deal. It's just a fuckin' radiator

- Yeah, I called
your son stupid!

- Break it up! Break it up

Get off!

- You son of a...

- Lucy, I just can't believe
you blame this on me.

- You're the one
who left it running.

- Well, I wasn't...

If you hadn't left the car running,
it wouldn't have over-heated.

This is all your fault.
Family day is ruined.



- No, the thing is Lucy, is that when
I had the car runnin' in the driveway

there was all these things going
on, you were fixin' your hair

and If I'd known it was going to take
so long I wouldn't have left it runnin'.

- You're going to turn this
around on me?

I ruined family day.
It's all Lucy's fault.

- It's not all your fault,
but ninety percent.

- This is never going to work.
This is ridiculous.

- What is that supposed
to mean?

What is wrong
with this relationship?

Nothin', that's what.
We have a fuckin' pic -

I'm sorry about the swearing.
We'll have a picnic tomorrow

- Ricky, come on, man,
forget about it.

Let's go down to the trailer
and get drunk. Come on.

- Dad, I've got to get the car goin'
here. I'll be with you in a minute

Tell Mommy I'm sorry, all right?
I'm just stressed out

'cause I didn't get drunk last night.
- I know it's not your fault

- Yeah, this is like
the seventh time

Lucy's dumped him since he's gotten
out of jail. I think it's ridiculous.

You know, Julian probably has
everything to do with it

'cause she fell for him back
in junior high

and you never really get over
that kind of shit, you know?

I'd be worried if they got
back together though.

- It's my one chance
to show I'm a good guy.

I didn't even get drunk
last night and now, instead,

I'm fuckin' stupid again.
- And that's my fault?

- Well, I'm gonna get drunk
with my dad, so fuck all.

Hey, Dad, wait up.

Next message.
- Hey, Julian, it's me.

If you heard the headline,
Ricky and I are totally over

You know, maybe it would be
a different story

if, like, it was
a permanent thing

and I had a ring on my finger
or somethin'.

But I don't so,
you know, whatever.

You should call me 'cause
I'm just sittin' here all alone

gettin' drunk and, you know,
you can come by if you want.

I've got lots of rum.

- I need some advice.
I gotta go see Bubbles.

- Plato is the smartest man
that ever lived.

He said it's okay to lie if it truly
benefits the cause of the people.

Sucker called it the noble lie

So, you have to lie to Lucy,
Julian,

otherwise she's never
gonna leave you alone.

Besides, it's a good lie.

Ricky and Lucy love each other

It's not gonna hurt anything

- I don't feel good lying about
Ricky wanting to marry her,

but, you know, how else am I
going to get them back together?

He loves you guys so much.
Do you know that?

- Why are we talking
about Ricky? You know.

Why are we talking
about anything?

You know what I'm saying?

- 'Cause, Lucy, I wasn't supposed
to tell you this, all right.

But Ricky told me
that he was going to ask you

to marry him today at
the picnic. No, I'm serious.

That's why he's so upset.
I'm serious.

- Really?

He's going to ask
me to marry him?

- You should give him
another chance.

Come on.

- You're lying.
- Lucy, I'm...

- You know how I know you're
lying? Because these guys are here.

- No, no, no..
- Nice...

- Lucy, I'm telling you the truth.
- What? What?

What the hell is this?
- Lucy..

- No, don't you "Lucy" me.
You come in here

with your little TV crew just
to add a little bit of drama

to get rid of me and Trinity
so that you don't have to...

- Lucy, I'm not lyin'.
- Get your hand off me.

I'm not lyin'.
- You're not lyin'?

- No.
- Well, if you're not lying,

why isn't Ricky in front of me,
on his knee, right now,

asking me for my hand
in marriage, eh?

No reason, because it's not true.
I'll believe it when I see it.

- Now, I just have to convince
Ricky to go through with it.

That might not be easy.

- You can't be sittin' in
the middle of the road drinkin'.

It's against the law.

- Ricky, shut up!
- This is drunk and disorderly

- You owe me a twelve-pack
of beer, asshole!

- Ricky! Would you guys stop it?
Lahey, Lahey...

- I do not believe how stupid
these guys are.

Like father, like stupid son.
- Lahey, Lahey get him off the street.

- We've been trying to get him
off the damn street.

- Well, get him out of here. Go mow some
lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

- Mr. Lahey, do you want a smoke? 'Cause
I got one right fuckin' here for ya.

- Ricky, you've got one joke
in your "resitory."

- You owe me a beer and you
owe me a beer, you assholes.

- Don't you have some offs
to fuck there, boys?

- What?
- Fuck off!

- Come on Ricky, I've
got to talk to you about

something important, alright?
- What are ya goin' to talk to me about?

- I just got to talk to ya

- I'm sorry, Julian.

I guess I fucked up again,
didn't I, buddy?

Seems like I'm always
fuckin' up.

Hey man, you're not
listening to me, buddy.

- I'm here. Ricky!
- Seems like I'm always fucking up

and you're always comin'
to my rescue, man.

The thing is, we've got this
plutonium-kind of love shit goin'

and I don't want
to fuck that up, alright?

- All right.

- I love you, buddy.
- OK, buddy. Alright.

- I'm serious, man,
I fuckin' love you, alright.

Can I have a drink of that
please, buddy?

- Ricky, do you know
what you got to do?

- What?
- You got to ask Lucy to marry ya.

- What are you talkin' about

I got no money, man.

Like, I don't know, I'm not
in any rush to marry Lucy.

What's the big deal?
Why do you give a shit?

- Alright, I didn't wanna
tell you this OK,

but because you haven't
married Lucy yet,

a lot of people are sayin'
you might be gay.

- Gay? Me?
- Yup.

- I'm not gay, you idiot.
I love Lucy.

I know what's goin' on.
I totally got it figured out

It's just the way
that I act towards you,

like the way that I act
when I'm around you and stuff.

That's what's going on here.
- No, Ricky,

it's because you've been
with Lucy for eight years,

you have a child together,
you're not married,

people think that's weird.

- Man! Maybe I am gay.

Holy fuck!

I'm gay.

- Oh, Ricky is so not gay.

What, did Cory and Trevor
tell you that?

Here come fucking
Cory and Trevor now.

Man those guys are always,
like, gay this,

and fuckin' gay everything

I think they're gay.

- See I think it's kind
of odd for two guys

to be huggin' in a car parked
on the side of the road.

You know we're not sayin'
it's gay or anything.

I don't know what would
make somebody gay,

if that would make them
gay or not..

- Ya, I don't know if they're gay.
- It's definitely weird.

- You don't hug people
all the time.

I'd hug him if, like,
his mother died or something,

but their mother didn't die.
You know what I'm sayin'?

So, I don't know,
it's kinda strange.

- You're not gay Ricky.

- I don't know. It seems
like I must be, I guess.

- Don't... Ricky forget
I even brought that up, OK

- I'm not going to forget about
it. I think we're both gay.

- We're not gay.

Listen, I just heard people talkin'
about you being gay and stuff.

You know, and I know you better
than anybody else; you're not gay.

- You don't think?
- No

We're going to
go to Levi's house,

you're gonna ask him
for some help getting a job

and then you're gonna
go over at Lucy's place

and ask her to marry ya.

- Well, if I ask Lucy
to marry me, do you think

it's going to cancel out all
the gay stuff with everybody

- Totally. Totally.
People do it every day.

- I hope so.

- People are talkin' about you,
they're not talkin' about me

- Well, we're either both gay
or both not gay.

- How are you doing, Son?
- Good. Give me a hug.

- Oh, give me some suga'.

- Hey, how are ya doin'?
Good to see ya.

- Hey, Dez, good to see ya.
- Hi, Ricky.

- So, what's up, boys?

- Ricky. He wants to ask you
a favor, Levi.

- I know you ain't goin' to ask
me for no dollars, now, boy.

- No, Levi, I'm not asking you
for money.

The thing is,
I'm looking for a job here

I'm tryin' to get
my shit together.

I want to marry Lucy
and have Trinity,

but everyone around this stupid
trailer park thinks I'm gay now.

- What?
- Ricky... Levi, no.

He was hoping you'd make
a couple calls for him, Levi

Maybe get him on the city
or somethin' and...

- If you can.

- Do you remember
what happened last time?

- Levi, look I haven't drank and
drive in over two years, alright.

And I'm sorry about that. If I
could go back in time I would.

It was one of those things you do
when you're young, you're stupid,

you know, you have a few
drinks. The next thing you know,

you're in a vehicle smashing
into things. It was an accident.

- It was Ricky's first day
on the job

and he decides to take us in
the dump truck for a joy ride.

He comes bombing down here
showing off...

- You know there are certain accidents
where you may be drunk and on drugs,

but it's going to happen anyway
whether you are or you're not.

- And then the truck starts to
spin sideways and flip around...

- Garbage truck. I mean the shocks
are different, a lot more weight...

- Drags upside down across the ground
here, sparks flying everywhere..

- The next thing I know,
we're crashing into stuff,

things are catching on fire.

- He rocks into Terry's
Monte Carlo

and the Monte Carlo was
dope too, man. It's so sad

He just completely flattens it

- Like I said,
it was no big deal.

I don't know why I got fired over
it, which really pissed me off

- That's the first time he
went to jail, after that stunt

- It was. He was like a hero
for about two seconds.

- Look, I haven't dranken and
droven in about two years, alright.

I'm not going to screw up
like that again.

- OK Now, Ricky. Now, you really want
to get your life turned around, yes

- Yes, that's why I'm here. I
want to get married to Lucy

and you know, me and Trinity and
Lucy can live happily ever after.

I'll get a real job, grow dope.
- Are you going to work hard at that job?

- Ya, I swear to God.

Levi, I would not come here an
ask you this unless I'd changed.

- I'm not an idiot.
- I never said you were an idiot.

- I'm a big fucking man.
- You are.

- And you're trying to come here to ask me to do you a favor

and you're lying to me.
Get out of here. Go on.

- Levi.
- Get out of here.

- You know forget it. I told you
this was a stupid idea, you dick.

- Well, you're being stupid
again Ricky, that's why.

- I just don't know how to express myself sometimes

when I need to be
properly different.

Fuck!

I got an appointment at 2:30
today with a bank manager.

I want to get a loan.
The thing is,

I want to do this by myself.
I don't need other people's help,

especially Julian's.

Why are you - fucking -
with - me?

I want $1,500. I need 1,000
for my dope equipment

and that will leave me 500
to buy Lucy a nice ring.

If the fucking car would start

You know my life's finally
back together,

so things are good, you know.
I'm in the right direction

You little fuckers!

You're lucky I'm busy right now.

Anyway, the car
won't fucking start

so I'm going to see if Julian
will drive me to the fuckin' bank.

- Just one minute.
- I'll just wait over there.

- How's it goin'? I'm here
to see some guy named Mclntyre

- Richard?
- How's it going?

I can smoke in here right?
- No smoking in here sir.

- For fuck's sakes. How's it going?
- Good.

- So, when did you get out?
- I'm sorry?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...
I know Dez and Levi.

You... weren't you in jail

- Ya.

- Are they with you?
What's with the camera?

- I'm just doing a little
documentary on my life.

- Cool.

- You know, we've looked at all the...
Um, sorry, we're in a meeting here.

- No, come on in, guys. I want you to see how fucked
- Up this is.

I've been in jail,
I paid my debt to society

and I still can't get a loan.
That's pretty fucked.

- Richard, just calm down.
- I'm not calmin' down,

I'm pissed off here.

- Now, uh I really don't think
you should have this attitude.

I think it's just getting
little too tight in here for me.

- It's kind of pissing me off. The
thing is that between me and you,

I'm going to be growing
a bit of dope, alright?

I'm going to have lots of fuckin' money.
I'm not asking you for a house here.

- I think you should just leave.
- Fuck this shit. Fuck off

Fuck off. Fuck you.

You fucking asshole! I've been
sexually assaulted here.

The man tried to abuse me at a party.
- No that's not true.

- He abuses men and women
all over the place.

- That's not true.
- Julian! I need some help here.

- God, is he a friend
of yours?

- Yeah.

Can I still call ya?

Do you have a number or anything?
- Yeah.

- I still can't believe

the way those fucking gorilla's
threw me out of that bank, man

You could have backed me up instead
of trying to make a girlfriend.

How am I supposed to buy a
fucking wedding ring now, Julian?

- Check these guys out.

- What the hell are they doin'

They stealin' gas?

What's going on, dickweeds?

- What's up, dude?

- Let's go, smokes.

- Here's the deal, boys. I'm going to
borrow your car for a couple of hours.

- Alright.
Are we gettin' your truck?

- You guys are so fuckin'
stupid, did you know that?

- Keys.

- What are you guys
gonna do with my car?

- Knock, knock, boys.

- Who's there?

- Let's go, guys.

I don't mind you guys
followin' us around. Let's go.

So, what the fuck
is going on here?

Why are we in Trevor
and Cory's car?

- Because we're going
to do a B&E.

- A B&E?
- Yes.

- That's pretty smart. The last
time we did a B&E I got shot

- Ricky...
- I'm not going back to jail, Julian.

- We're going to get you
a ring today, all right?

- The thing is, when you're shoppin'
for a ring you gotta take your time

because, you know, it's
my wife we're talking about.

She's not going to be wearing one of
those cubic "zarcarbian" fucking things.

She's gonna have a nice ring.
- Exactly.

And we know this guy
who has a jewelry store

that ripped him off
a few years ago.

- Ya, he's a fuckin' dick.
I sold him a bunch of weed

and he never ever paid me
for it, so fuck him.

- I don't feel bad
for fuckin' him over.

- No, I mean, that's what
insurance companies are for anyways.

It's not a big deal. He's
going to get his money back.

OK

Shhh! Shh, shh.

Hello. Mr. Peterson from next
door, just checking out your pipes

- All clear. Go upstairs,
I'm going to go to the kitchen

- Hurry up!

- What in the fuck...?

Julian, I need some
help up here! Aaah! fuck!

- What are you doing?
- Cocksucker came at me man.

I'll probably get rabies.
Am I bleedin'?

- Yeah, you got a scratch.
Put your gun down, Ricky.

- What were you thinking?
- Did you find a ring?

- Yeah, I found a treasure
chest. Check that out.

- Well, bring it downstairs,
I got a cheese sandwich for ya

- You little dick!

Walk in there and this thing
just jumps at me.

I fucking could
have been killed.

- Now take your time,
Ricky, OK? This is important

Don't worry about the price.

- What about this one?
- Let me see.

No, that's not Lucy.

- Yeah, I guess you're right

This one's nice.

- That looks like somethin
from a bubble-gum machine, Rick.

- Well, what do you think?
I'm not very good at this.

I've never done this before.

There we go, that's Lucy

- Oh, man, perfect.
It's beautiful.

What?

- Everybody out.
- Did she just dial 911?

- Come on.
- Come on, guys. Holy fuck

- Ricky! Get in! Quick!

Swallow the ring.
Here, take this.

Swallow the ring.
- He's fucking pullin' us over

- Ricky, swallow that ring.
- Man! We're fucked, dumb ass.

- Get us out of this.
- Just don't fuckin' say a word.

- Get us out of this.
- You do the talkin', man.

I'm not fuckin' going back
to jail, you idiot.

I got a ring stuck
in my throat. Fuck.

- Gentlemen! driver's license
and registration please.

- Uh, this isn't our car
and I checked in here and...

- You have no registration, no
nothing? Out of the car, guys.

- For fuck's sakes.
- Out of the car.

OK, guys.
what's your first name, bud?

- Randy.
- Randy who?

- Randy Lahey.
- Randy Lahey.

- Yup. You look familiar.
I know you from somewhere too.

You know Jim or Jim knows you
or somethin' like that.

- Oh, the whole Jim trick.

Yeah, like everybody knows
someone named Jim, right?

So, when he gets in shit for something
he just throws the name Jim out there

and he figures someone
will pick up on it.

Gives him and "eh"?
And then, he's home free.

- ...Jim really well don't ya,
or somethin'. Or Jim knows you

- Jim, my father Jim you mean?

- Oh, he's your father.
Man, I didn't know that.

Yeah, he mentioned he had a son
on the force, that's right

- You know the old man?
- Yeah, him and my dad go way back.

- Small world.
- Yeah, sure is for sure.

Sorry about the trike. We bought
it for my daughter for her birthday.

- Yeah, well, sorry about the
hassle, but I mean, you know,

like I say, I got to check
to make sure you guys

do have paperwork
for this vehicle and all that.

- Oh, absolutely, definitely.
- I guess everything's OK here.

I'll just take that tricycle
with me, you guys...

- If you could take that,
that'd be great.

- Yeah, you guys can, uh...
you guys can go on your way.

- Great. You don't have
any smokes do ya?

- Smokes? Yeah actually I go
one in my viser there. Want one?

There you go, right on.

- OK, nice seeing you.
- OK, guys. Anyways, slow her down.

You guys were going a little
fast back there too eh.

So, just slow her down
and be careful, eh?

- You think Lucy's going
to marry me or what?

- Yeah, why?

- What, are you kidding me

- Ricky all you can do is ask
and all she can say is yes or no.

She's gonna marry ya.

- All right man, hurry up I've
got to get this ring out of me

See ya in a bit.

- Hey, boy.

- I've got to use the can Dad,
just a sec.

- What's going on with Ricky

Are you all right, Ricky?

- Yup.

- There's some supper here
if you want.

This is the Holy Bible...
- Dad, did you see my pepperoni?

- Ya, and um...

it's where Calvin...
and I'm a Calvinist.

I mean, when it comes
to love you see.

See, like Tammy was my love.

See, I was graced by her
and I hope and pray

that Ricky is. I think he is
but, if he's not,

God bless his soul, there's
nothing he can do about it

That's pre-destination.
Some people might think

that that's awfully cruel,
but that's life.

- Dad, what in the fuck
are you talkin' about?

- Just give me a second here.
I'm just trying to explain..

I'm tellin' 'em about pre-destination
for Christ's sake.

You know. Pre-destination,
love, grace, Calvin.

Come on, man, you know.
- Where's my pepperoni?

Dad, are you sleepin'?

I don't know where the fuck
Julian's at,

but we're going to find him,
I'll tell you that.

He's definitely not home, I
don't see anything going on here.

He's not home.

- Hey, Ricky.
- What's goin' on?

- Nothin'.
What are you doin'?

- Just hanging out,
I've been here about an hour

What are you doin' here?

- Nothin'.

- You look really good.
- Thanks.

- Do you want to get in?

- Yeah.

Levi called.
- Yeah.

- And, uh... you're the new
garbage guy for the park.

- No fuckin' way.

- Totally, totally.
- I got the job?

- Totally, you totally got it.
It was wicked.

- This day's turnin' out
to be perfect, you know that

- Ya.
- Julian even found a girlfriend,

can you believe that?
- Really?

- Ya, some girl named Candi.
She's awesome.

- Who is she?
- I don't really know her.

Her name's Candi, but
she seems like a great girl.

- Did you meet her?

- You know there's only
one more thing left to do

to make this day complete.
- You met her? Is she like..

- Lucy, listen to me
for a minute, alright,

I want to ask you somethin'.
- What? Yeah.

- What do you think?

Do you want to get married
or somethin'?

- Do you love me?

- Lucy, I love you so much

So what do you think?

Would you want
to get married to me?

- OK

- We're going to get married?
- Sure.

- Oh, Lucy, come here.