Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 8, Episode 1 - Money Can Suck My Cock - full transcript

(DOG BARKS,
TRUCK RUMBLES)

RICKY:
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO STUPID,
JACOB?

TURN IT AROUND
SO THE COCK-SHAPED THING'S

AT THE BACK,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

SORRY, RICKY, IF YOU'RE GONNA
YELL AT SOMEBODY,

YELL AT YOUR OWN FUCKING
EMPLOYEE, NOT MINE.

RICKY:
JACOB, GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE.

HOLY FUCK!
YOU'RE STUPID, COREY.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST
YOU'VE EVER FUCKING BEEN.

BUBBLES:
JESUS CHRIST, RICKY,

WHEN YOU SAID
YOU WERE GETTING AC UNIT,



I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUYING ONE.

NOT GETTING THE ONE
THEY USE TO COOL DOWN

THE WHOLE FUCKING STORE.

YEAH, MAN, I GOT THE ONE
OFF THE FUCKING ROOF.

CLINT SET ME UP BIG TIME.
I TRADED A HALF POUND OF WEED.

IT'S PERFECT THOUGH.
I GOT A SHIT TONNE OF WEED.

I'VE GOT TO KEEP IT COOL, BUBS,
OR IT GOES BAD.

OH FUCK.

WHAT IN THE FUCK?

NO, NO, NO,
NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.

YOU GUYS CAN FUCK OFF
WITH THE CAMERAS.

SWEARNET'S THIS INTERNET COMPANY

THAT APPROACHED US
WITH CONTRACTS,

WANTING TO FOLLOW US AROUND
WITH VIDEO CAMERAS AGAIN.



SO THEY THROW THE CONTRACTS
ON THE TABLE,

RICKY GRABS THEM,
SIGNS IT IMMEDIATELY,

AND THE GUY CAN'T EVEN
FUCKING READ.

BUBBLES:
RICKY!

NO! SWEARNET, THOSE ASSHOLES,

TRICKED US INTO TAKING
NINE FUCKING GRAND.

SUPPOSED TO BE NINETY.

AND WHERE'S THE LIFETIME SUPPLY

OF FUCKING CIGARETTES
AND BOOZE, HUH?

WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?
DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT?

THINK THAT'LL JUST BE WATER
OUT OF THE FUCKING FRIDGE?

THE MONEY'S GONE!
THIS CONTRACT IS NULLTED.

NULLED AND FUCKING VOID.

(GUNSHOTS)

FUCKING CALM DOWN!

FUCKING GUN'S HOT,
RICKY!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(CAT MEOWS)

♪♪

YOU NEGOTIATED THE CONTRACT
AND WE SIGNED IT,

AND BY LAW, THESE FUCKHEADS
ARE ALLOWED TO FOLLOW US NOW.

YEAH? YOU STAY THE FUCK
OUT OF MY WAY,

OR I SWEAR TO FUCK I'LL BLAST
YOUR COCKS RIGHT OFF YOUR BODY.

(LOUD, SPLINTERING CRASH)

RICKY: JESUS CHRIST!
BUBBLES: FUCK, SHE SNAPPED!

OH MY FUCK!
AW, GREAT!

COREY, YOU GET BACK HERE!

JACOB, YOU FUCK NERD,
YOU'RE PAYING FOR THIS.

SO ARE YOU, JULIAN!

THAT WAS JACOB'S FUCK-UP
RIGHT THERE.

JACOB'S BEEN WORKING FOR JULIAN
FOR A WHILE NOW,

AND JULIAN'S BEEN GETTING
PRETTY FUCKING COCKY ABOUT IT,

SO IT WAS PRETTY COOL WHEN COREY
SHOWED BACK UP AT THE PARK.

BEEN RUNNING HIM FULL-TIME
FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS NOW,

HE'S BEEN HELPING ME OUT
WITH MY RETIREMENT.

AND IT SUCKS HAVING ONE DUMMY
AROUND INSTEAD OF TWO,

BUT HOPEFULLY FUCKING TREVOR
COMES BACK SOMEDAY.

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE
THAT ALIEN-LOOKING,

CINNAMON-TWIST FUCK CHICKEN
EVEN IS.

WHEN ME AND TREVOR GOT RELEASED
FROM THE ASYLUM,

WE DIDN'T WANNA COME
TO SUNNYVALE RIGHT AWAY,

SO WE STARTED HITCHHIKING
AND WE WENT EVERYWHERE, DUDE.

IT'S LIKE, WE WENT TO CHINA,
WE WORKED IN A RICE FIELD.

WE WENT TO AUSTRALIA

AND MADE MONEY PLAYING
DIDGERIDOO ON THE STREET,

AND THEN WE WENT TO NEW YORK

AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEE
A BACKSTREET BOYS CONCERT

'CAUSE THEY WERE HAVING
A REUNION,

AND WE WANTED TO SEE THE SUBWAY
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S COOL.

IT'S LIKE FAMOUS.

WE GOT ON,

AND THE DOOR SHUT
BEFORE I GOT ON BEHIND TREVOR

AND... THE TRAIN JUST LEFT.

OH MY FUCK, BOYS!

OH GOD, ORANGEY!
ORANGEY, ARE YOU OKAY?

ORANGEY IS RICKY'S GOLDFISH.

YOU KNOW, WHEN LUCY AND TRINITY
WERE MOVING OUT OF THE PARK

TO GO LIVE WITH GEORGE,

RICKY WAS PRETTY UPSET.

SO, YOU KNOW,
TRINITY GAVE THE FISH TO RICKY

AND HE'S BECOME
VERY ATTACHED TO IT.

VERY ATTACHED TO IT.

(CAT MEOWING)

GARY LASER EYES LIKES HIM, TOO,
DON'T YOU, GARY?

HERE, LOOK.

(GARY MEOWS)
HERE IS IS.

HANG ON, RICKY, HERE!
JAM HIM IN HERE.

RICKY:
GOOD THINKING, BUBBLES.

OH, THANK FUCK.

OH, YOU LIKE IT
IN THAT LITTLE WATER BONG?

YOU OKAY, LITTLE BUDDY?

SAM:
I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS
WHAT YOU HEARD, BARB!

I DID NOT FUCKING BANG HIM!

BARB:
WELL, THE PERSON
WHO JUST TOLD ME

SEEMED TO KNOW
AN AWFUL LOT OF DETAILS,

SO I THINK YOU DID
EFFING BANG HIM, SAM.

FUCK!

DID SHE JUST SAY, "I BELIEVE YOU
EFFING BANGED HIM?"

YUP.

JULIAN:
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MARVIN!
YOU GOTTA PACE YOURSELF, MAN!

I ALWAYS WANTED ONE
OF THOSE BARS

LIKE THAT TV SHOW "CHEERS" -

YOU KNOW, WHERE EVERYBODY
KNOWS YOUR NAME -

AND NOW I HAVE ONE.

JULIAN'S SPORTS BAR AND GYM,
AND THIS PLACE FUCKING ROCKS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE,
THE DETAIL.

SARAH DESIGNED IT.
BUSY AS FUCK.

BUT THE BEST PART
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING

WAS THAT BUBBLES FOUND
A LOOPHOLE

WITH THE LIQUOR LICENCE -

I DON'T NEED ONE.

ALL I'VE GOTTA DO
IS GIVE AWAY FREE DRINKS,

COLLECT DONATIONS -
MONEY GOES IN THERE,

RIGHT INTO MY POCKET,
TAX FREE.

AND I HIRED TRIN,

SHE'S ONE OF MY BEST WORKERS,
UNLIKE HER DAD.

I'VE HAD A REALLY GOOD
COUPLE OF YEARS

AND BASICALLY EVERY WALL,
THE CEILING,

AND MY ENTIRE TRAILER -

ALL INSULATED
WITH BALES OF WEED.

AND THEN I DRYWALLED OVER IT
SO YOU CAN'T REALLY TELL.

IT'S FUCKING AWESOME.

AND IT'S MY RETIREMENT,

SO I MEAN TO KEEP WEED
THE LONGEST,

YOU GOTTA KEEP IT AT A CONSTANT
FOUR DEGREES CELSNIUS,

AND SINCE IT IS MY RETIREMENT
THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

(LOUD CRASH)
FUCK!

I'VE BEEN TAKING THE WEED
AND MAKING HONEY OIL OUT OF IT.

IT'S A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS
TO MAKE.

I MEAN THAT RIGHT THERE
TOOK AWHILE,

BUT IT'S WORTH A LOT OF MONEY

AND I'VE BEEN SELLING IT
TO HIGH-END CLIENTS.

AND, YOU KNOW, I AM MAKING OVER
$1500 DOLLARS A MONTH RIGHT NOW

THROUGH THESE CLIENTS.

I'M BASICALLY RETIRED.

THINGS ARE GOING
PRETTY DAMN GOOD FOR ME.

I'M ALL SET UP HERE

RIGHT IN BETWEEN
RICKY AND JULIAN.

I'VE GOT A GREAT BIG
DOUBLE-WIDE LOT HERE

BECAUSE I'VE GOT A BUSINESS
ABOUT TO START UP:

BUBBLES SHED-N-BREAKFAST.

LOOK AT THAT, I COME UP
WITH THE WHOLE CONCEPT MYSELF,

MADE THE SIGN.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE
A FUCKING GOLD MINE MYSELF,

'CAUSE IT CATERS TO THE MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT WANNA HAVE
A NICE RESORT-STYLE VACATION,

BUT THEY WANNA BE ABLE TO BRING
THEIR KITTIES WITH THEM.

THOSE PLACES DON'T EXIST,
SO I'M GONNA PROVIDE THAT.

I'VE GOT FOUR PADS THERE
WAITING FOR SHEDS.

IT'S GONNA BE
FUCKING AWESOME.

THEY'RE ALL GONNA HAVE POWER,
AIR CONDITIONING,

HIGH SPEED INTERNET.

ALL THE FUCKING AMENITIES
YOU CAN IMAGINE.

AND ON TOP OF IT,
I'M GONNA BE SERVING PANCAKES

WITH ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT HOMEMADE
MAPLE FUCKING SYRUP.

I'VE BEEN COLLECTING THE SHIT
OUT OF THIS STUFF.

BASICALLY YOU JUST FILTER OUT
ALL THE BUGS AND THE NITRE.

BOIL THE DIRTY WHORE OFF
AND SHE'S READY TO GO.

THERE'S ALL THIS SHIT

AND THEN YOU JUST GOT
PURE MAPLE SYRUP LEFT IN THERE,

AND IT IS GONNA BE FUCKING
SCRUMP-DILLY.

ONLY PROBLEM
WITH THIS PROCESS IS

IT MAKES ME
REALLY HAVE TO USE IT.

NO, GOTTA USE IT.
GOTTA USE IT.

(URINATING)

CAN YOU TURN OFF
THE FUCKING CAMERA?

HEY, BOYS,

LISTEN, I'LL GOT ALL THE FUCKING
HOSES AND ELECTRICAL HOOKED UP.

COOL.
I'LL HAVE HER READY
WHEN YOU GET BACK.

THERE'S THE MONEY
FOR THE SHEDS.

SHIT.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY

WHEN YOU DON'T FUCKING
HAVE TO.

BUBBLES, YOU NEED TO FUCKING
LEARN TO SEE MONEY

FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS.

HERE YOU GO, ORANGEY.

SO ONE NIGHT I'M LAYING AWAKE
IN THE CAR

AND I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP

'CAUSE I'VE GOT ALL THESE THINKS
AND THOUGHTS

ROAMIN' AROUND
MY BRAIN COMPARTMENTS

AND BRAIN DEPARTMENTS,

AND THIS FUCKING FLASH LIGHTNING
WENT OFF, OR ON,

OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT DOES.

AND MY BRAIN SPEAKLED OUT TO ME
AND SAID,

"WHY THE FUCK AM I TRYING
TO GROW DOPE

TO MAKE MONEY TO BUY SHIT,
YOU KNOW,

WHEN, PRETTY MUCH, THE PEOPLE
THAT HAVE ALL THE SHIT I NEED

SMOKE DOPE?"

SO I GOT RID OF THE MIDDLE LAND

AND I STARTED MAKING MY OWN
FUCKING MONEY OUT OF HASH.

IT'S PERFECT.

I MEAN, WITH A POCKET
FULL OF TEN,

ONE, TWO, FIVE GRAM HASH COINS,

YOU CAN BUY WHATEVER
THE FUCK YOU NEED.

SO I DON'T NEED MONEY ANYMORE.
MONEY CAN SUCK MY COCK!

BUBBLES: FUCK OFF, RICKY!
RICKY: FUCK!

BUBBLES:
WE'RE DOING THIS LEGIT, RICKY.

I WANNA GET MY STUFF
THE OLD-FASHIONED HONEST WAY.

THAT SYSTEM MIGHT WORK FOR YOU,
BUT I'M NOT DOING THAT.

RICKY: GREAT.
BUBBLES: LOOK!

BUBBLES:
IT'S OLD PISSY PAWS HIMSELF.

RANDY:
WHAT THE HELL'S WITH
THE GUNFIRE, RICKY, YOU IDIOT?

RICKY:
WASN'T US.

WHAT IN THE FRIG
IS THAT BIG THING?

ACTUALLY,
IT'S A FUCK-OFF MACHINE, RANDY.

YOU NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE?
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WEIRDO?

HE'S GONNA BE THE NEW ASSISTANT
TRAILER PARK SUPERVISOR, RICKY.

HE MOVES IN TOMORROW,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU BETTER TREAT HIM
WITH SOME RESPECT.

I SURE HOPE YOU GOT THE PERMITS

AND NECESSARY DOCUMENTATION
TO HOOK THAT THING UP.

I HOPE YOU GOT
THE NECESSARY DOGUMENTS

AND FUCKING PERMUTATIONS
TO SUCK ON MY SHAVED BALLS,

DO YOU, RANDY?

NICE SLIPPERS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BRAND NEW
FANCY SHOES?

HA-HA.
VERY FUNNY, RICKY.

I KNOW YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT PISSED IN MY NEW SHOES.

DON'T THINK I'M GONNA
FORGET ABOUT IT EITHER.

COME ON, DONALD,
LET'S GO.

WASN'T ME, RANDY.
I DON'T PISS.
GENTLEMEN.

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

BUBBLES:
ANYWAY, BOYS, GET TO THE FUCKING
HARDWARE STORE,

THE BIG BLOWOUT SALE
THAT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT.

JUST PROMISE ME NO FUCKING
SHADY HORSE COCKERY.

JULIAN:
BUBS, DON'T WORRY, WE'RE GONNA
GET YOUR SHEDS, OKAY?

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
COME BACK HERE AND CELEBRATE.

BOYS, LOOK AROUND.

LOOK WHAT WE'VE
FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED HERE.

THAT'S GREAT EXCEPT FOR
THE BIG FUCKING MASSIVE HOLE

IN THE ROOF OF MY CAR.

WHAT THE FUCK
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

IF IT EVER FUCKING RAINS AGAIN?
FUCK!

JIM:
TODAY IS MY LAST DAY
AS SUPERVISOR

OF SUNNYVALE TRAILER PARK.

I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ALONG
THAT WELL

WITH MY EX-WIFE, BARB,
LATELY,

EVER SINCE SHE MARRIED
THAT LOSER, SAM LOSCO.

ANYWAY, SHE DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS APPROPRIATE

TO RENEW MY CONTRACT.

NINETEEN YEARS.
NOT EVEN A GODDAMN THANK YOU.

WHATEVER.

OH, AND GUESS WHO'S
THE NEW SUPERVISOR?

(VEHICLE RUMBLES)

SO THIS IS WHERE I LIVE,
DONALD.

DONALD:
LOVELY.

DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION
TO MR. LAHEY

IF HE'S A LITTLE STANDOFFISH
TOWARDS YOU.

HE'S NOT IN THE BEST OF MOOD
ABOUT HAVING TO RETIRE TODAY.

OH, AND HE'S A LITTLE UNEASY

ABOUT ME HIRING
A NEW ASSISTANT, TOO,

ESPECIALLY ONE AS HANDY
AND TONED AS YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

MR. LAHEY,
WE'VE GOT SOME COMPANY HERE.

MR. LAHEY, WHAT IN THE FRIG
ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO DRINK

UNTIL AFTER YOU WERE
OFFICIALLY RETIRED.

RANDY!

IT'S JUST ORANGE JUICE?
WOW.

I MIGHT HAVE A LITTLE DRINK

TO CELEBRATE MY RETIREMENT
TONIGHT, RANDY,

BUT THEN AGAIN I MIGHT NOT.

I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET, BUD.
I'M IN CONTROL.

MAYBE MORE IN CONTROL

THAN I EVER BEEN
IN MY WHOLE LIFE, BUD.

(SHOE BRUSH DROPS)

YOU MUST BE DONALD.

DONALD:
YES, SIR.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE GRACED
BY YOUR PRESENCE.

YOU HAVE INTENSE EYES.
BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT BRINGS YOU TWO BY?

RICKY'S INSTALLING
THIS BIG FRIGGIN' THING

ON TOP OF HIS TRAILER,

AND HE'S GOT NO PERMITS.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANNA
TAKE HIM DOWN

AS TRAILER PARK SUPERVISOR,
ONE LAST TIME.

AH, LEAVE HIM ALONE,
RANDY.

RANDY:
MR. LAHEY, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN
BACKING DOWN FROM RICKY LATELY?

I HAVEN'T BEEN BACKING DOWN.

THERE'S MORE AT PLAY
THAN MEETS THE EYE HERE, BUD.

YEAH, LIKE RICKY PISSING
IN MY BRAND NEW SHOES.

YOU DIDN'T BACK ME UP
ON THAT ONE EITHER.

COMME CA, COMME CI.

FINE! I'LL LOOK AFTER THIS
MYSELF.

I WASHED THOSE FRIGGING SHOES
THREE TIMES

IN TOMATO JUICE AND VINEGAR,

AND THEY STILL SMELL
LIKE PISS.

(SIGHS)

RICKY:
THERE YOU GO, DALE.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO TENNERS
AND A FIVE, MAN. THANKS.

I'LL HAVE HER BACK
IN HALF AN HOUR.

BUBBLES:
FUCK, BOYS,
I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED.

THANKS AGAIN
FOR DOING THIS.

ONE MORE MONTH
OF GOOD CART BUSINESS

AND I'LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO PUT THE INTERIORS
IN THOSE FUCKING SHEDS.

GET THIS FUCKING THING
LIT UP!

RICKY:
IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME, MAN.
ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

BUBBLES:
FUCK, I LOVE THAT CAR.

(HIP HOP MUSIC BLASTS
FROM CAR)

WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?

NEVER MIND WHERE WE BEEN, MAN,
WE'RE HERE NOW,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
WHAT UP, B?

ALL:
HEY, J-ROC.
HOW YOU FEELIN', DAWG?

WHAT'S UP, T?
WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON, MAN?
YOU TOO. RASCAL, RIGHT?

WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?
DID I GET YOU, JULIAN?

J-ROC: HEY! WHAT'S UP, MAN?
JULIAN: WHERE'S THE STUFF?

J-ROC:
I GOT THE STUFF WIT US.

WELL, THE STUFF SHOULD BE
IN THE BAR.

WELL, THE STUFF'S IN MY TRUNK

TILL WE TALK ABOUT
SOME SHIT FIRST.

J-ROC, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS
BEFORE, OKAY?

I DON'T NEED A FUCKING
BAR PARTNER RIGHT NOW.

THIS SHIT'S RUNNING PERFECTLY.

ASK YOURSELF
WHY IT'S RUNNING PERFECT.

IT'S BECAUSE OF MY SHIT,
YOU MAN.

THIS HERE'S ROC VODKA,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

J-ROC: CAN I GET A ZHYEAH?
ALL: ZHYEAH!

COMES IN FOUR
DELICIOUS FLAVOURS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

BLUEBERRY, BAN-ORANGE,
PAZAMAGRANATE,

AND APPLE CIZINNAMON, Y'ALL.

DELICIOUS AND TIGHT AS PISS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

J-ROC: CAN I GET A RRA-RRA?
ALL: RRA-RRA!

CUT ME IN, BWOY.

WE CAN BE PARTNERS,
DAWG,

I'LL MAKE IT SOME NEXT LEVEL
BULLSHIT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
BUT YOU GOTTA TRUS.

THE TWO OF US.

I WENT AS FAR AS I COULD
IN THE RAP GAME, Y'ALL.

GOT ACCOLADES, HAD SHORTIES
PUSHIN' UP ON MY JUNK,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
THEN I WAS LIKE,

THERE'S GOTTA BE MORE
TO LIZ-IFE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
I LOOKED 'EM UP.

I WAS LIKE MY HOMEBOYS J
AND FITTY,

AND ALL THEM MA'FUCKERS,
THEY GOT BRIZ-AND, DAWG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO I WANNA BE
A BUSINESS MA'FUCKER.

I WANNA BE
A BUSINESS MA'FUCKER.

NOW I JUST NEED ONE THING,

AND THAT'S FOR JULIAN
TO CUT ME IN

ON A LITTLE EAR-A EAR-A,
IGGITA-IGGITA EAR-A

AZH-BRAP ZHA-BRAP
EAR-A EAR-A IGGITA ZLAM! PEACE!

YOU GOTTA THINK
ABOUT THIS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

J-ROC:
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT NOW
YOU-

NO, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT
LATER.

A'IGHT!
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT LATER,

BUT I CAN TAKE THIS SHIT
NEXT LEVEL, B.

I KNOW.
YOU GOTTA TRUS!

I KNOW, MAN,
I TRUST YOU.

PROMISE. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER
ABOUT THIS.

A'IGHT.
I'M BUSY.

MR. GREEN,
KAJIJOJIJI...

JULIAN: JUST UNLOAD THE SHIT.
J-ROC: RASCAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
MR. FINCH, MR. GREEN,

UNLOAD THAT SHIT, Y'ALL.

(JARS CLANK)

BUBBLES: IS THAT A NEW FLAVOUR?
J-ROC: YEAH, RIGHT.

POUND THAT
IN YOUR WORD HOLE

AND TELL ME IT AIN'T
THE BIRTH OF CHRIST.

(SNIFFING)

BERRY FLAVOURED.

BERRY DELICIOUS,
AIN'T IT?
IT'S DOPE!

JULIAN:
HEY, MAN, JUST PARK IN FRONT
OF THESE SHEDS.

RICK:
IT'S COCONUT AND TALK-O.

JULIAN:
RICK, WE DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK TO COCONUT AND TALK-O.

RICK:
I JUST WANNA GIVE TALK-O
A LITTLE PIECE OF WEED.

HE FUCKING LOVES IT.

I LOVE THAT FUCKING BIRD.

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON,
COCONUT,

YOU SPICY SON OF A WHORE.

PARROT:
AGG! SPICY SON OF A WHORE?

TALK-O!

COCONUT:
TOLD YOU, MAN, WATCH THE
LANGUAGE AROUND ME BIRD, MAN.

ME HAVE CUSTOMERS.

TALK-O LIKES WEED.

PARROT: AGG! TALK-O LIKES WEED.
RICKY: YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU?

COCONUT:
RICKY, COME ON, MAN.

TONGUE MY BALLS!
TONGUE MY BALLS!

COCONUT:
COME ON, RICKY, MAN.

JULIAN:
COME ON.
LET'S GO BUY THESE SHEDS.

PARROT:
FINGER MY ASS.
SUCK MY COCK. BAWK!

RICKY:
BUBBLES HASN'T THOUGHT THIS OUT
VERY WELL, IF YOU ASK ME.

WE CAN GET THOSE FUCKING SHEDS
FOR FREE, OKAY,

AND THEN SARAH
CAN TAKE THAT MONEY.

WE'RE NOT STEALING
THE SHEDS.

BUT SHE COULD TAKE
THE MONEY

AND GET THE INTERIORS
ALL DECKED OUT,

THEN HE'S SET UP
LIKE WE ARE.

LOOK AT THOSE TWO,
IT'D BE A FUCKING JOKE.

WHAT'RE YOU THINKING?

HEY, COCONUT,

CAN I BORROW YOUR FUCKING
LIGHTS FOR A MINUTE?

(CAR RUMBLES)

HEY, BUBBLES, I NEED TO SEE
THE PERMIT FOR THIS THING?

ARE YOU EVEN QUALIFIED
TO BE DOING THIS?

BUBBLES:
WHAT? I DON'T HAVE FUCKING
PERMITS FOR THIS, RANDY.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO ASK YOU
TO CEASE WORK IMMEDIATELY.

I'M SORRY, BUT I KNOW THIS
HAS GOT SOMETHING TO DO

WITH RICKY GROWING DOPE.

NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH GROWING DOPE,

I SWEAR ON JEHOVAH'S NUTSACK.
THAT'S JUST AN AIR CONDITIONER.

WE ALL NEEDED ONE
FOR THE BUSINESSES

AND WE THOUGHT IF WE JUST GOT
ONE BIGGIE AND SHARED IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA HAVE IT
ALL HOOKED UP TO CODE

AND EVERYTHING, I PROMISE.

PLEASE, RANDY?
PLEASE?

IT DOES MAKE A LOT OF SENSE,
RANDALL.

I CAN FEEL THE SINCERITY.
YOUR SOUL IS PURE.

PURE.

RANDY:
IF I FIND OUT RICKY'S GROWING,
I'M SHUTTING IT DOWN.

JIM: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
RANDY, THERE'S A BIG SHITSTORM
GOING DOWN AT BARB'S.

MEET ME THERE!

COME ON, DON.

DON:
AND AWAY WE GO.

(TRUCK RUMBLES)

RICKY:
ON THE GROUND!

UNDERCOVER INTERCONTINENTAL
INSECT ENFORCEMENT AGENCY.

JULIAN: GET DOWN!
RICKY: HANDS WHERE I CAN FUCKING
SEE THEM!

DO NOT FUCKING MOVE!

PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID,
ESPECIALLY COLLEGE PEOPLES.

YOU SHOW UP WITH
A FLASHING LIGHT AND HAND GUN

AND USE A BUNCH OF BIG WORDS,

AND YOU BASICALLY GET WHATEVER
THE FUCK YOU WANT FOR FREE.

THIS IS WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT,
OFFICER LAHEY.

TOTALLY INFESTED
WITH THE AFNICAN

HELLIMENIUM-EATING ZULU PETES.

JULIAN: OH, JESUS CHRIST.
RICKY: WE GOTTA BURN ALL THESE
RIGHT NOW,

ALL THESE NEW ONES.
LET'S GO, ON YOUR FEET!

LET'S GO! GET UP!
ON YOUR FEET!

GIVE US A HAND.

WE GOTTA TAKE ALL THESE AWAY
RIGHT NOW.

JULIAN:
OH, JESUS, RICK,
WE GOT A PISSER.

RICKY:
OH MY GOD,
DID YOU PISS YOURSELF?

KID:
YOU FUCKING SCARED ME.

RICKY:
OH, YOU'RE LUCKY WE GOT HERE
WHEN WE DID.

THEY SPREAD ACROSS THE COUNTRY
IN TWO WEEKS,

THEY BANG LIKE CRAZY.
IT'S A GOOD THING.

COME ON, LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD.

HERE'S A COUPLE HASH COINS,
OKAY?

I GOT THESE
FROM THE LAST BUST.

DON'T TELL YOUR FUCKING BOSS.

LET'S GET THESE GOING QUICK
BEFORE HE COMES OUT HERE.

THESE THINGS ARE GONNA
FUCKING SPREAD EVERYWHERE.

MOVE IT, MOVE IT.

HOLY FUCK,
COLLEGE PEOPLES ARE STUPID.

DO NOT SAY A FUCKING WORD
TO BUBBLES ABOUT THIS EITHER,

YOU ASSHOLES.

BARB: I DON'T CARE!
SAM: BARBIE! BARBIE!

BARB:
I DON'T CARE!
I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!

SAM, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE
AND OUT OF THIS TRAILER PARK!

JIM:
BARB! GO BACK INSIDE.
I'LL DEAL WITH THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I KEEP ENDING UP WITH MEN

WHO TURN OUT TO BE
SOMETHING OTHER

THAN WHAT I THINK THEY ARE.

DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO,
JIM LAHEY!

I WANT YOU OFF
MY PROPERTY, TOO!

JUST GO,
BOTH OF YOU!

SAM:
YOU CAN'T KICK ME OFF THIS PARK!

I OWN HALF THIS FUCKING
SHITHOLE!

YOU DON'T OWN HALF
OF SUNNYVALE, SAM,

'CAUSE I OWN ONE PERCENT.

SO CALM THE FUCK DOWN!
CALM DOWN?!

DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME
TO CALM DOWN, LAHEY!

JIM: RANDY?
SAM: IF I WANT ANY LIP
FROM YOU AT ALL,

I'LL WAVE MY DICK AT YOU.

BARB: OH! JUST GO!
SAM: YEAH.

JIM:
BEAT IT, SAM!

JUST GO!
YOU ARE A FUCKING...

YOU'RE A CHEATING BI-SEXUAL-

DON'T SAY IT!

BARB:
CAVEMAAAAAAN!

YOU HAD TO FUCKING SAY IT,
DIDN'T YA?

LET ME SHOW YOU
A FUCKING CAVEMAN.

HERE! HERE! HERE'S YOUR CAVEMAN
RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, YOU WANT SOME CAVEMAN?
YOU WANT SOME CAVEMAN?

OOGAH FUCKING OOGAH!
THERE'S YOUR CAVEMAN!

(SOBBING)
ANYWAY, THAT IS THAT,

AND I HAVE TO SELL THE PARK
TO SPLIT THE ASSETS WITH SAM,

AND I WILL TAKE MY HALF

AND I WILL BUY
SOME CUTE LITTLE PLACE

DOWN SOUTH WHERE IT'S WARM,

AND, UM...
AND I WILL NEVER LOOK BACK.

RICKY:
WHERE IN THE NUCLEAR FIDDLECOCKS
IS MY FUCKING CAR?

COREY TOOK IT TO GET IT FIXED,
RICKY.

HE ACTUALLY FELT PRETTY BAD
ABOUT THIS MORNING.

RICKY:
GOOD! HE FUCKING SHOULD.

BOTTLE KIDS!

(BOTTLES SMASH,
KIDS LAUGH)

BUBS, COME CHECK OUT
YOUR SHED, MAN.

BUBBLES:
THIS IS AMAZING! AMAZING, BOYS.
YOU DID IT!

OH MY FUCK,
YOU EVEN GOT THE OIL TANK.

RICKY:
FUCKING RIGHT!

I PAID A BUNCH OF HASH COINS
TOWARDS EVERYTHING, MAN.

SAVED YOU A TONNE
OF FUCKING MONEY.

RICKY?
LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

YOU GUYS STOLE THEM.
YOU STOLE THE FUCKING SHEDS.

NOT EXACTLY, BUBS.

JULIAN,
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

I'VE BEEN WORKING MY NUTS
TO THE BONE, DAY AND NIGHT,

HAULING SHOPPING CARTS,

JUST SO I CAN LIVE A CLEAN,
RESPECTABLE LIFE,

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKING DO.
(SOBS)

BUT NOW YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
YOU CAN OPEN UP IMMEDIATELY,
MAN.

WE DID IT FOR YOU!
IT'S AWESOME!

JULIAN:
THE PEOPLE AT THE STORE HAD
NO IDEA WE WERE STEALIN' THEM.

THEY THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THEM
A FAVOUR BY GETTING RID OF THEM.

JULIAN, FUCKING LISTEN
TO YOURSELF,

"THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE
DOING THEM A FAVOUR."

MAYBE YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOUR
ONCE IN A WHILE

WITHOUT TURNING IT INTO
A GODDAMN CRIME SPREE.

DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO THAT?

(SOBBING) I'M GOING UP
TO HAUL MORE SHOPPING CARTS.

WHEN I GET BACK,
THESE DIRTY STOLEN SHEDS

BETTER BE OFF MY PROPERTY.

WHO'S GOT YOUR BELLY?

YOU GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS
OFF MY BELLY!

HOLY FUCK.

COCKSUCKER!
(SOBBING)

JULIAN:
NICE GOING.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE
WE GONNA DO NOW?

LET'S GET HIGH AS FUCK
AND BUILD SOME SHEDS.

BUBBLES:
...FUCKING DO THIS MY WAY!

PEOPLE FUCKING IT UP ON ME.

AGH! WHAT THE FUCK!
(SHOPPING CARTS RATTLE)

(SOBBING)

(CAR ALARM BLARES)

(THREE GUNSHOTS POP)

HEY, WE'RE ALMOST DONE HERE,
GUYS.

JULIAN:
NICE! GREAT WORK TODAY,
EVERYBODY.

GOOD HUSTLE.
CHEERS!

LEAST WE COULD DO FOR A MA'F,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(SIREN WAILS)
FIVE-O, Y'ALL. WOOP!

RICKY:
FUCKING PUSSIES.

WE BUSINESSMEN.
WE DON'T PLAY FIVE-O, BITCHES.

RICKY:
FUCKING JOKE.

GOOD EVENING,
OFFICER HIGHCOCK,

BEAUTIFUL NIGHT
OUT THERE TONIGHT.

THIS NEW COP SHOWS UP
TO THE TRAILER PARK

WITH HIS PANTS PULLED UP
TO HIS TITS.

HE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.
HE WAS AN IDIOT.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT J-ROC AND T

AND THE ROC POWER
ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT.

THE GUY'S FUCKING DUMB.

PROBABLY DUMBER
THAN GEORGE GREEN.

OFFICER HIGHCOCK
CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I'M NOT SCARED OF HIM.

OFFICER DANIELS:
IT'S OFFICER DANIELS, TO YOU.
I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU GUYS.

RICKY:
OH GOOD. THEN YOU PROBABLY HEARD
THAT YOU CAN (COUGHS) SUCK

(COUGHS) OUR COCKS.

OFFICER DANIELS:
WHAT WAS THAT?
YOU WANT TO REPEAT THAT, SON?

RICKY:
NO, NOTHING. JUST COUGHING.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YA?

WHERE DID YOU GET THE SHEDS,
BOYS?

WE ACTUALLY FOUND THEM
IN THE CLASSIFIED ADS,

GOT A REALLY, REALLY
FUCKING GOOD DEAL ON THEM.

SO THOSE 4 SHEDS WEREN'T STOLEN
FROM THE HARDWARE STORE TODAY?

BECAUSE THE DESCRIPTION
OF THE TWO IDIOTS THAT TOOK 'EM

MATCHES YOU TWO
UNEMPLOYED DUMBASSES.

LUCKY FOR YOU,
THERE WERE NO CAMERAS

ON THAT SIDE
OF THE BUILDING.

RICKY:
SOME SHEDS GOT STOLEN?
MAN, THAT SUCKS!

WHAT COLOUR WERE THEY?
WE CAN KEEP OUR EYES
OPEN FOR THEM.

WE KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE.

OFFICER DANIELS:
OH YEAH, YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT YOU PAINTED THEM?

RICKY:
OH, SO YOU THINK WE DID IT.

OKAY, SO WE STOLE THE SHEDS
AND THEN WE PAINTED THEM,

AND WIRED THEM UP
WITH ELECTRICITY,

PUT AIR CONDITIONING IN,

DID ALL THE INSIDES,
DECORATED THEM,

AND GOT DRUNK
IN ONE FUCKING DAY.

(LAUGHS)

THAT'S QUITE A FUCKING THEORNY
YOU GOT THERE, EISENSTEIN.

YOU KNOW I'VE MET A LOT OF DUMB
SHITS JUST LIKE YOU IN MY TIME,

AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM
ENDED UP IN JAIL.

JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

SEE YA AROUND, BOYS.

RICKY:
LOVE YOUR PANTS.

SARAH: BYE, OFFICER!
RICKY: FUCK OFF.

YOU STOLE THOSE SHEDS?!
YOU GUYS PROMISED.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY, SARAH,
TO GET 'EM OPEN THIS QUICK.

IT'S ALWAYS THE ONLY WAY
WITH YOU, RICKY.

JULIAN:
I THINK I HEAR
BUBBLES COMING.

(SHOPPING CARTS RATTLE)

WOBBLY SON OF A WHORE!

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD
HAUL THERE, BUBS.

WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK
TO ME NOW?

BUBBLES: NO.
JULIAN: LISTEN, MAN, I'M SORRY.

I GOTTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

BUBBLES:
WELL, I DON'T WANNA
SEE ANYTHING.

JULIAN:
WELL, I'M GONNA STAND RIGHT HERE
UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND THEN.

OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE MY MIND,

SO IT'S GONNA BE
A LONG NIGHT.

FINE THEN.
I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE

UNTIL YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND THEN.

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE
A LONG NIGHT, JULIAN.

HOPE YOU GOT LOTS
IN YOUR DRINK.

JULIAN:
CERTAINLY DO.
HOPE YOU DON'T GOTTA PISS.

NO, I ALREADY PISSED.

I'M GOOD FOR ABOUT
EIGHT HOURS, BUD.

JULIAN:
SURE YOU DON'T WANNA COME SEE
WHAT I WANNA SHOW YOU?

BUBBLES:
NO, I'M PERFECTLY FINE
STANDING HERE 'TIL THE MORNING.

JULIAN: SO AM I.
BUBBLES: SET YOUR ALARM CLOCK.

BUBBLES AND JULIAN ARE TWO OF
THE MOST STUVERN PEOPLE I KNOW.

I'VE SEEN THEM GET INTO
FUCKING MEXICALI STAND-ONS

THAT CAN LAST FOR 3 OR 4 HOURS.
IT'S FUCKED.

BUBBLES:
(IMITATES A BLARING ALARM CLOCK)

CAN'T TURN OFF MY HONKER,
JULIAN.

(IMITATES BLARING ALARM CLOCK)

JESUS CHRIST,
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU.

YOU COME SEE
WHAT I WANNA SHOW YOU,

YOU WIN.

I WIN?
YES.

I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY,
"ALL RIGHT, BUBBLES, YOU WIN."

ALL RIGHT, BUBBLES,
YOU WIN.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO THEN.

WINNER.

HEY, SARAH, THEY'RE COMING!
THEY'RE COMING!

JULIAN:
OKAY, KEEP THOSE EYES CLOSED,
BUBS.

BUBBLES:
I GOT THEM CLOSED.
QUIT BOSSING ME AROUND.

JULIAN:
BUBS, WE SPENT ALL DAY WORKING
ON THIS, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY. ON THE COUNT OF ONE,
OPEN THOSE EYES.

THREE, TWO, ONE, OPEN.

(CHEERING)

BUBBLES:
OH MY GOD!

SARAH:
DO YOU LIKE IT, BUBBLES?

BUBBLES:
DO I LIKE IT?

LOOK AT THIS!
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

MY GOD, IT LOOKS LIKE
A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING.

DID YOU DECORATE THEM UP,
SARAH?

SARAH:
WELL, EVERYBODY HELPED.

THEY'RE FUCKING AMAZING!

LOOK AT THE LITTLE KITTY SIGNS
OVER THE BEDS.

I KNOW,
BARB DONATED THOSE.

SHE MADE THEM
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

LOOK, I HAVE TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

I'M SO SORRY. NOBODY TOLD ME
THAT THESE SHEDS WERE STOLEN.

YEAH, SORRY, MAN.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO DO
A NICE THING FOR ME.

JULIAN:
WELL, EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE LEGIT

AND RUNNING SMOOTH FROM NOW ON,
I PROMISE, OKAY?

JULIAN: NO MORE CRIME, BUDDY.
BUBBLES: (SIGHS) ALL RIGHT.

GIRL:
CONGRATULATIONS, BUBBLES!

BUBBLES: IS THAT A CAKE FOR ME?
RICKY: CONGRATS, BUDDY.

BUBBLES:
(LAUGHS) LOOK AT THAT.
"CONGRATS, MA'FUCKER."

J-ROC MUST HAVE PUT
THE ICING ON.

(BLOWS OUT CANDLES)

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU,
BUBBLES.

BUBBLES:
WELL, I DID HAVE SOME HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS. (LAUGHS)

BUBBLES: IS IT ICE CREAM CAKE?
RICKY: NO, MAN, IT'S FROZEN.

MY FUCKIN' TRAILER'S
OUTTA CONTROL.

ARE YOU SURE YOU HOOKED
THAT THING UP RIGHT?

IT'S FUCKING FREEZING IN THERE;
IT'S ON THE LOWEST SETTING.

BUBBLES:
RICKY, THAT WAS MEANT
TO COOL DOWN

A 20,000 SQUARE FOOT
FUCKING DEPARTMENT STORE,

NOT A TRAILER
PACKED FULL OF WEED.

(CAR RUMBLES)

RICKY, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY,

BUT CHECK IT OUT.

COREY, YOU KNOW THAT'S
A FUCKING HOUSE WINDOW

YOU PUT IN THERE, RIGHT?

WHAT'RE YOU THINKING?

RICKY:
OH, I KNOW WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
I GET IT.

A FUCKING SUN ROOF!

GREAT FUCKING ENCORE!
YOU FIXED JACOB'S MISTAKE.

COREY:
CASE OF PEPPERONI AND SMOKES,
DUDE.

RICKY: GOOD WORK, COREY.
COREY: THANKS, DUDE.

BARB'S SELLING THE PARK,
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

RICKY: WHAT?
BUBBLES: WHAT?

WELL, LAHEY'S OUT FRONT
PUTTING A FOR SALE SIGN UP.

RICKY:
WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

(HAMMERING)

RICKY:
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING,

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?

JIM:
I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, RICKY.
YOU SHOULD GET ONE SOMETIME.

RICKY:
OH, YEAH?
WHAT, YOU'RE RETIRING,

SO YOU'RE GONNA FUCK WITH US
ONE LAST TIME

BY TRYING TO SELL
THE TRAILER PARK?

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

JIM:
I'M NOT TRYING TO SELL
THE TRAILER PARK.

BARB AND SAM ARE,
TO SPLIT THE ASSETS, RICKY.

JULIAN:
WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JIM:
WELL, APPARENTLY SOMEONE MADE
AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL

TO BARB TODAY

AND BARB AND SAM'S MARRIAGE CAME
TO AN ABRUPT AND SHITTY END.

JESUS CHRIST.
GREAT.

THIS IS GONNA TOTALLY
FUCK EVERYTHING UP.

WE GOTTA GET
A HOLD OF BARB.

MAYBE WE CAN HELP HER
BUY OUT SAM OR SOMETHING.

IT'D BE GREAT
IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, JULIAN,

BUT UNLIKE SHE DID WITH ME,

BARB DIDN'T HAVE SAM SIGN
A PRE-NUP

AND NOW THEY OWN EQUAL SHARES
OF THE PARK.

SO WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?

WELL, ONE OF THEM
NEEDS A MAJORITY

TO BUY THE OTHER ONE OUT.

IT'S TRUE;
IT'S A SHOTGUN CLAUSE.

JIM:
AND THERE'S ONLY
ONE OTHER PERSON

WHO OWNS A SHARE
IN THIS PARK!

ONE PERCENT TO BE EXACT.

AND WHO'S THAT?

OH, FUCK.
YOU CALLED BARB.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT'S CRAZY TALK.

(WATCH ALARM BEEPS)

OH, LOOK,
I'M OFFICIALLY RETIRED, BOYS.

TA-DA!

BUBBLES:
OH MY GOD,
HE'S ON THE FUCKING LIQUOR.

RICKY:
WE'RE FUCKED.