Top Gear (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Stretch Limos from ordinary cars. - full transcript

And who is in our reasonably priced car?

Oh, it's his assistant.

Hello, hello and welcome.

Thank you very much.

Now, we start tonight with stretch limousines.

There are 9,000 of the damn things in Britain

and they are all American cars that have been elongated

and then coated with a sort of veneer of velour.

Why?

Why can't limos be based on normal cars that we can buy in Britain?

I mean, how hard can it be?



Well, to find out, we were all three asked to build our own limousines.

The recipe is simple.

Find a car, anything we liked,

cut it in half, and then put an extra bit in the middle.

What could possibly go wrong?

This is what I'm gonna base my limo on.

Yes, it's a 1993 1L Fiat Panda CLX.

Now the interesting thing about this car is

under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine.

What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

Break down baby.

Ah, if Gerald runs around this wheel really very very fast

he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

Don't worry though.



There's method in my madness.

Why start off with a big car when you're gonna make it big anyway.

And why have a big thirsty engine when you're gonna

spend most of your time in town doing ten miles an hour,

and if you put your foot down, everyone in the back is gonna spill their /.

My limo will be based on this,

a sensible Saab 9000 3L V6

You're thinking: "there goes, Captain Slow

and I expect he'll do a really good job of turning it into a limousine

coz let's face it, he's a bit boring."

Hahaha...

You can not even begin to comprehend the bound of my forthcoming genius.

For my limo, I've thought of a bit luxury up.

It's a MGF, which as you've probably noticed

is a two-seater at the moment.

Coz what I plan to create here

is quite possibly the world's first

mid-engined roadster limousine.

Nobody has done it before and I don't understand why not.

Why shouldn't "hen nights" have their wind-in-the-hair open top thrill.

So we'd all got our cars and we'd all found people

who were going to help us turn them into limos.

This is the very same workshop where we made our convertible people carrier.

And that worked.

This job though, would require much more precision.

Right, where are my hammers?

Meanwhile, in my workshop,

my genius plan was to make the Saab with a second car.

And here it is.

It's an Alfa Romeo 164 3L V6.

And I know it seems odd, but think about it,

No one ever said that the two ends of the stretch limo

had to come from the same car.

I'd picked some motorsports specialists to help with the sports limo

There are a few concerns largely coz the engine is pretty much at the back.

So all things like these radiator pipes

and the gearbox linkage from the front to the back

and the throttle controls

they are all gonna have to be sort of made longer.

Right, this is the really clever bit.

Although the Saab and the Alfa look very different,

underneath, they got the same floor pan.

And more importantly, as my center lines show,

the wheel base is exactly the same.

It'll be sensible and Swedish at one end and fiery and Italian at the back.

It is a Salfa Romeab.

Here is a Top Gear top tip

Rent one of these 35 quid a day. Somebody you don't like very much,

cut their car in half.

My first job was to cut all the pipes leading to the engine.

Oh, that went really really well.

That's disconnected.

When do you think you're gonna cut it in half?

I'm not gonna get into a cutting-in-half competition with you, mate.

Coz I know exactly what you're gonna do.

What am I gonna do?

Make a mess of it.

Oh, that's not a good time.

- Hello.
- Hamster.

Oh, bugger! Yes?

How is it going?

Really well, actually.

You know what James has got?

- Yeah.
- A Saab.

- No, he's got an Alfa.
- No, it's a Saab.

No, it's an Alfa. he's got an Alfa.

But he definitely told me he's got a Saab.

- So he doesn't know what car he has got.
- He doesn't even know what he's bought.

Is it true that Jeremy has bought a Fiat Panda?

Yeah.

I mean if you're gonna make a stretch car,

why would you start with a Fiat Panda?

You can stretch it a mile and it's still only gonna be as big as a normal car.

Well have you met Jeremy Clarkson

big tall fella, curly hair, idiot.

That's your answer, really, isn't it?

Finally, it was time to cut our cars in half.

- What're you doing?
- Cut it in half.

That's what half way, mate. That's about half way.

I'm not gonna measure it.

Where are you gonna put you seats?

Where is all the strength? OK?

It's alright, I'll weld that bit up.

Inevitably James was being scientific about the project

and was sawing his car in half using a plasma cutter.

Now watch this.

I do know what I'm doing. I've made a bit of a plate.

And I'm gonna weld it over
the little... the little hole there

and you'll never know the difference.

By using patience and math to make my limo,

I was doing a damn sight better than Hammond.

Bad, bad thing. Sorry.

It's locked, I can't get in.

The car is burning down before I've even built it.

That's bad, that's bad.

Jeremy had similar problems

and couldn't even understand how the fire extinguisher works.

Good coz i have a...have a... pull the safety pins.

That's fire.

Eventually the fires were put out

and by tea time Richard's car was in half.

There it is!

Shortly afterwards, mine was unconjoined as well.

Behold

the broken car.

and with James' Saab predictably still in one piece,

I decided to make sure that mechanically at least

my little Fiat had survived the operation.

And I'm delighted to say it had.

Obviously, we'll be picking that up later on.

But now, it's time to do the news.

And we begin, well, actually, we begin with last week.

Because you mocked me for wearing a suit.

You may remember this, yes?

Because Kristin Scott Thomas was down here.

Tuesday, he walked into the office dressed like this.

- Yeah, alright.
- Look at him.

Where'd you been?

I've been invited to No.10

to a one-on-one chat with Prime Minister.

So I've, you know, put on a suit.

You say you going down there, you were in No.10

Yeah.

- Sitting with him?
- Yeah.

Did you vomit on him?

No, you can't... you can't vomit on the Prime Minister, mate.

Well, you can. If you had a load of cheese soup before you get there,

and then lots of sour water, all over him.

You could easily have done that.

- You didn't.
- No. I didn't.

- Did you punch him in the face?
- No.

No. I didn't vomit on or punch the Prime Minister in the face, OK?

How close were you to him, at any one point.

I was sitting next to him.

Look, there is a picture hang on, there, you see? That's it.

You could have easily punched him in the face from there, you idiot.

/ sick. Look/ you just shed all over his leg and his cuff links.

No, look, I, that's...

Those are the two things that you're best at in the world.

Being sick and punching people.

He came around your house once, didn't he?

Yes. One time you came to my house,

you vomited all over my sofa.

Sorry about that.

My house, vomited all over me.

I did do that.

So you vomited all over you mates,

why couldn't you vomit over him?

I'm sorry. He'd invited me around for a chat.

So it wasn't appropriate...

About what?

About road pricing.

And what did he say?

That we need to do something about congestion.

Well did you tell him

if he got rid of the bloody M4 bus lane, that might help?

Did you tell him that?

I didn't say that. I wasn't sick. I...

Did you tell him to get rid of the speed humps?

No.

Did you tell him to up the speed limit on the motorway to 150?

Coz that will surely... Did you tell him that?

Alright! I...

Punch him in the face!

I let you down, lads. I'm sorry.

Because, ok, road pricing is coming, and it's his fault.

I now realize I've let you down and I'm sorry.

You see, it's not us.

You've let everybody down here.

You've let him down.

He can't even afford proper clothes.

You could've been the first person in British history

to punch the Prime Minister in the face and be sick on him, let him...

Alright. I'll be the first person to punch you in the face on TV.

Now, that's more like it.

Why couldn't you be like that with him?

- Can we move on?
- Yes, we can move on.

Now there's a new um Mondeo coming out in June.

and I've got a picture of it here.

and it will be brilliant.

It will. Well the last one was. It was brilliant to everything.

It looks fantastic. A couple of things...

I think it's got a bit too much mascara around its headlamps.

No, you need it. I had a bit of that going on in the studio last week actually.

The makeup lady put too much, err...

Hang on. You were wearing mascara?

Well, it's whatever the makeup lady puts on us before we walk in.

She... Yes, I guess so. I don't know.

You let her.

Oh for crying out...

Well you let her make you look like a "spaniel" every week.

Alright, I just want to get back to the car. If you may...

The other thing is I've looked this engine's spec

It's 1.8s and diesels and 2 Liters. There is no hot one.

Remember the days of the Cortina? There was the Lotus Cortina.

The Sierra, there was the Sierra Cosworth

There's no hot version of this...

Coz what you want is like a Mondeo Vindaloo

Actually, what if they just name the whole range

after curries, depending on how hot they are.

- Yeah, that's...
- That's a good idea.

That's not of a bad idea.

You could do like / do those little chilies on the back,

then I could have the jaal freezy.
(Indian food)

Yeah, he could have the Korma.
(Indian food)

Yeah, fast enough for me.

I really do like that idea.

Coz you''re bring together sort of two great British institutions.

Indian food and a car made in Belgium

- Hahaha
- Yeah.

Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five

They have to use booster seats in a car.

- He does.
- Yes, alright.

- I just knew it.
- Alright.

People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in a car.

But in North Yorkshire,

the police say they can't enforce that law, do you know why?

They do not have the... heiheihei...

They do not have the legal ... heiheihei...

I can't wait for this now. The legal...

Because they do not have the legal right to measure children.

Just imagine...

Just if you see the policemen measuring your children,

you think "quick, call the..."

So they'll have to do what they used to do then

they just put up some new sort of camera by the road

to monitor children in cars to make sure...

No, no, you can't video children.

Have you ever been to school sports day?

You have to ask every parent in there before they let you take your camera out of boot.

Oh go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they will let you...

Err, right, moving on.

- You know Aston Martin is for sale?
- Yeah.

But I can't understand coz Ford

the only profitable part of the whole Ford business

is Aston Martin and they decided to sell it.

But anyway, the leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium

Carpets will be nice.

Really really labro/, really labro/.

Yeah, then buying one is gonna be interesting.

You get down to my brother's Abdulla Martin shop.

Hahaha.

- For you, my friend.
- I make my special price.

special price.

Right, now, you probably know, the Vauxhall Monaro,

one of our favorite cars

and we were very disappointed when they stopped making it.

Yes, but now it's back and we've got one here.

It's now called the VXR 8.

Fantastic looking thing.

It's got gills down here like a fish

and it's now got four doors instead of two. Absolutely brilliant this.

But it still got the same engine.

So that's a huge 6L V8 that develops 414 bhp

Yeah, but you can get a supercharger kit for it.

Which takes it up to 540 bhp.

But the best thing about it is the value for money

coz the standard car's got 414

same as an Audi RS4

- Yeah.
- But it costs 35,000 pounds.

That's 15,000 cheaper.

I know, we love the Audi. Make no mistake.

I think the Audi is a very polite car.

This is more of a yobbo really.

This should come with like two butt cheeks on the back,

so everyone behind is being mooned.

Now, earlier on you saw us buy some old cars

and set about turning them into stretched limousines.

Next, we were told to report to the Top Gear test track

on a bitterly cold day

where we would be given a number of challenges.

Well, here it is. My sports limo.

Proof that style does not have to be slow.

It is genius.

This time, once and for all , I'm going to win.

I shall be victorious.

Oh my god!

It's a giant panda.

Never before bred in captivity.

That is a big panda.

It is.

Coz this is an economical limo.

1L engine, 40 to the gallon.

- It's...it's just...it's my sports limo, mate.
- Can we just...do you mind?

The first thing I saw obviously, was the spoiler.

It's proportional to the car.

You need downforce? Do you need that in this?

No, but it's part of image. And image is everything.

- Can we also say, you've no roof?
- Yeah, I have.

Ha...that's it.

Well it was complicated.

That's it.

There is a gap. There are tolerances here.

You could only work to so much.

Then May turned up and boy were we in for a shock.

Hang on.

Now that, that I didn't expect. I'm confused.

Well, can I just explain?

It's all about choice, OK?

At the front, it's a sensible Swedish Saab 9000,

another front, it's a sporty and stylish Italian Alfa Romeo.

What kind of paint thinner were you sniffing in when you thought of this?

That theme, style, sensibleness, Sweden, Italy,

I've continued that on the inside.

Because at this end, it is a sauna.

- Does it work?
- No.

And at the other end...are you ready? It is...

The Sistine Chapel.

Can you drive it both ways? Both cars?

Yes. That's the brilliant thing about it.

Because what's the problem with a limousine? The Movability.

- What?
- Maneuverability.

No, I'm fine on that.

- You may have an issue.
- No, you have that obviously.

It's the very thin.

Our first task was to test out each other's cars

and we began with the panda's brilliant passenger entry system.

Have you two ever seen the Great Escape?

I mean it's perfectly straight forward, look.

This pulley.

You lie on this, OK?

And Britney Spears is gonna do that, yeah?

This is ideal really for people who used to be miners.

I thought you had sniffed thinners making that.

James offered to join me in the back.

Here he comes.

It's a ingenious solution to a problem that should never existed in the first place.

Next, I introduced Hammond to the in-car communications.

This is an intercom system.

And it's hands free.

So if you put that thing around your neck, it's like a one-man-band thing

So it... it's legal.

This isn't the most elegant solution.

I've literally thought of everything.

Right, I'm pulling away. Hold on tight.

Here we go, going to beach.

You'll notice you swing around it,

it doesn't have quite that same responsiveness.

Running out of run way.

Oh no, I...

I'm sorry, I'm on the field a bit.

You see the sledge take some of the jolting out of it.

What have you done?

You've gone over a runway light you blithering idiot.

Yeah, right, you made the car a mile long.

It's hardly my fault.

Even on our 160-foot wide runway,

maneuverability was an issue.

But we did at least find a new way of

speeding up my passenger entry and exit system.

Here we go.

Britney Clarkson is leaving the car.

OK, we are arriving, I'll brake.

You're a comp..., it's an all over carpet burn.

How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

Next, we try James' Alfaab.

James, a bit of an issue I've got here.

- What?
- Head room.

There is loads of it. What's your problem?

He's put a sauna in this end and he's put it on the roof.

- Your beer fountain...
-Yes.

It's just making me want to pee.

But as problems go, that was nothing.

What's this stick?

No no, don't pull that.

What you've done...what's happened?

- Hammond's unlocked the steering...in the wrong end, you idiots.
- Sorry.

/

To try and regain control of the rear,

Hammond dived for the wheel of the Alfa.

Not that way!

- Is that helping?
- No.

I'll go the other way. Hang on.

It's bad for the sauna.

Oh my...ha!

- No
- James...

- Stop.
- How the hell...

You pair of utter pillocks.

You've ruined my car. You've been...

If I was driving it like a limousine,

and you two were just being yobbos trying to break everything,

that wouldn't happen.

The engineering in James' limo hadn't fared well.

So, time to try out Hammond's convertible.

Where is the heater?

Well that is a problem.

Coz the engine of course is at the back and the pipes are...

It hasn't got one.

You're the stupidest man I've ever met.

I'll tell you what though.

Your car is a rubbish.

- I'll tell you what though.
- You put the roof up then.

Mind your head, mind you head, mind your head.

Oh, you see?

It's no better with the roof up.

If anything it catches is the breeze I think.

Oh, that's gone.

That does happen.

How do I tell James to slow down?

Oh, that's brilliant. We call him on this.

What?

Tell him to just slow down?

Could you slow down a little, please, driver?

James?

Yes, what do you want?

Can you see us?

Yes, yeah, very funny.

To warm up a bit,

Hammond suggested we try some of his onboard sports equipment.

Yeah, go.

Yes!

The other thing that Hammond has done,

is that he has fixed the seat in his drive...Ah!

Hahaha...

With our test drives over, it was time for the challenges to begin.

Not all limo drivers are drug dealers,

not all limos are used for hen nights,

some have to be used for transporting political figures

who may be attacked any time.

Your cars then should be nimble and fast enough to get out of tricky spots.

Well, that's you in trouble, what is it?

For the first challenge, you arrive at a road block,

the other two presenters are there armed with paint ball guns.

How many hits can they score

before you've done a J turn and got away.

He is in a convertible.

Oh no, I have not thought of that.

I was first to drive into the jaws of death.

Oh no, a pathetic road block.

Now, a J turn.

You reverse at high speed,

brake, spin the wheel,

and as the front slues around,

you slam it into first and roar away.

I must be honest...

Oh wait, now this is...

...the panda wasn't much good.

It's actually quite tiring, isn't it?

Yeah, just on the trigger thing.

Yes, I may be geting shot a few times now.

Ah...

Yeah, quite a lot.

Yeah, you...may have...

You could get more paint on it if you use the brush.

With my panda having set the bar pretty low,

the convertible went next.

Hope you don't mind the mask, but there is no roof.

Hope I don't meet any terrorists

Oh no, terrorists!

Do your J turn then.

The speed was good,

the protection, not so good.

Ah, that's a shot in the head.

But I got one there and one there.

Did it hurt?

Yes, like a...you know, hurt like a...

Like a word you can't..

a paint ball in the head, yes.

Yeah, unfortunately, I suspect...

I think I've beaten you.

...you have beaten me.

- Right, James, good luck.
- Good luck.

Instead of doing the tricky J turn,

I planned to get into the Alfa end and reverse away forwards.

But that idea did have a flaw.

In fact, it had two flaws.

Oh the wheel wont...

Oh, look.

I don't know. You aimed at my gentleman's area.

That was chafing agony.

There is far more on you than on your car.

- Yeah, well, so in that case, I've won.
- No, no.

I know, hang on, the rule said...

But in the real situation, will you be thinking

"Never mind, at least my car has not got paint on it!"

The rule said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

It was time for the next challenge.

I just hope that that was the end of evasive driving stuff.

Evasive driving part 2:

It's a test of nippiness against the clock.

You break out from a terrorists' trap,

slalom down the runway between strategically placed cars

belonging to members of the public which you may not hit,

steering around the stinger at the Hammerhead and pull up

once you're out of the range of the water cannon.

The what?

With maneuverability being the key to every aspect of this challenge,

James was feeling confident.

Watch this.

No, hang on.

- What the hell.
- He's still unlocked now.

How was he going to do a slalom.

It's not gonna help at all.

It's Hammerhead.

The water cannon kicked in to make missing the stinger even harder.

Easy victory.

Well, maybe not.

My sports limo was like a greyhound out of the trap.

Oh, wheel spin and everything!

That looks quite good.

I can't really see / now ever having got into it in the first place.

It's the stinger next.

No, hang on, it's the water thing first.

Convertible, as it turns out, not the best idea.

The panda broke out with ease.

Yeah. Rock and roll.

How can he do the slalom with a car that long?

Looking good.

He is gonna to have to take the world's most enormous route.

Oh, for crying out now.

Oh no, I'm not gonna make it.

No, that's such a poor idea.

No.

Oh, there is some smoke coming out of it.

- Oh doesn't that break your heart?
- Yeah.

Hey you, the clock is still running.

My limo had become bogged down.

But the film crew kindly pushed me out

and I was on my way again.

No, you can squirt it as much as you like.

Sadly, I hit the stinger which punctured the tires

and then worse, my engine died.

That was sad.

- Why?
- What?

Well I don't understand.

Why did you get out of the car?

Well coz it's got puncture and the engine had stopped.

so I thought if I get out, I would be able to change the wheel.

Coz the water cannon was off.

I didn't know they were gonna turn it on again.

Did you seriously think...

there was you out of the car, the water cannon,

How could they not turn it on and hit you?

Well, with hindsight you're right.

I should've stayed in the car.

Anyway, that wasn't the final challenge.

There was another one, a big one.

One where we brought the whole of central London to a stand still.

And we'll be showing that to you later on.

- Yeah, can I just ask?
- What?

Your limo, down one side I saw windows.

On the other side, there were no windows?

No, it's paparazzi proof.

So if you got Britney Spears in it, she's forgotten her pants.

As she does.

Which she is prone to do.

And now she's got matching, you know, collar and cuffs.

It's... so they could...

It was on the curb side, there were no windows.

I've thought of everything.

Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

You did.

You think I could hit that when you were 50 feet away and running.

Anyway it's now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is attractive.

Uh, she's futuristic and she's from Swindon,

so she's sort of like the Honda Civic.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper.

How are you?

- Do you mind?
- I'm alright, thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Now this is marvelous.

- You're so much better looking than everybody else.
- Thank you.

And your top's more see through, so I'm really...

I know, I've just heard about that...

I've just noticed coz you walked out...I thought I'm gonna have to...

- How bad is it?

- It's quite bad.
- But don't worry.

- My bra's see through too, woohoo.
- Is it? Really?

No, that's a joke.

No!

It is. Uh anyway, listen,

is it true that you wrote your auto-biography

- because you heard a biography was coming out?
- Yeah.

- I heard somebody else was gonna write one.
- Yeah.

- I was pretty convinced it was gonna be full of crap.
- Yeah.

And so I thought I'd have a go myself.

- Did it come out? The biography, or did you kill it?
- Yeah. No, it came out.

It came out, was it full of crap?

I didn't actually look at it, I watched its sales,

it didn't do so well, but then nor did mine. So...

Did...well it's not like it wasn't full of stuff,

not like Wayne Rooney, coz he was about 4 when he wrote his.

- It's true. Have you read it?
- He must have put absolu...

- Of course I haven't read it.
- Right.

"He was born, grew big in years,

kicked football, slept with grandmother", it's not really...

- It's not, it's not gonna be like yours let's be brutally honest.
- No.

So why have you given up "Doctor Who"?

Which is the question most asked by my 8 year old.

Because um...

it just felt like the right time to go, it's 2 years in Cardiff.

- Oh, you...
- I know, I know.

I haven't realized. God I once went there for 2 days.

- I'm going to hell.
- I liked it very much.

No, I just, I just wanted to try some other stuff.

Ok now, just before we move off "Doctor Who", I've got 1 important question:

what is the top speed of a Dalek?

I'm saying 6 mph?

They only do 6?

- So you run faster than a Dalek?
- I can.

Why are you so scared of them then?

They're threatening things. They're huge.

- Are they huge?
- They're about the same size as you.

- I could have one.
- Hahaha...

Um now is it true, obviously we have to get it across for those you know

- um, you know you're married to Chris Evans?
- Yeah.

- Is it true he tried to pull you in a Ferrari?
- That is true.

Quite a thing, did it work? Well obviously it worked.

It worked, yeah, I married him, 6 months later...

- What? Because of the Fer...
- Not because of the Ferrari.

- Um...
- Not because of the color of his hair obviously, that's...

I love the color of his hair,

I'm a big fan of the "Ginge".

Really?

- Yeah.
- Are there any here?

- No, we don't let them in, that's it, we're trying to kick them out.
- No.

They smell different, I find.

But he's covered it with...didn't he cover the Ferrari with roses?

Yeah, he filled the car with roses

and then he covered the bonnet with roses, too.

Did he keep it?

Um... no we chopped it in for 3 classic cars.

Which were?

- Um Moggie Minor, Jaguar Mark II, beautiful.
- Yeah.

And a Mercedes, but I can't remember what it was

- An old one?
- An old one.

- Do you prefer old cars to the...?
- Yeah, I love old cars.

Why do you...old cars what?

I just think they're beautiful. They're works of art.

I'd much rather look at an old car. I have...

I'm not a huge fan of new cars at all.

So what's your car now?

It's a Porsche 911...

Oh God. Not another one.

- 1989.

- So an early one.
- It's a nice model.

- It's a 1989 Porsche 911?
- Yeah.

For people who can careless what model number?

- Yeah I don't really know.
- It doesn't really matter, does it?

All I know is that it's it's white

and I love white cars.

- Now that's interesting.
- Do you like white cars?

I think white's a good 70's color that should be making a come back soon.

You are a woman of course of great taste

coz I did find a piece of uh writing the day that said you like a man with a beer belly?

I do. Hahaha...Smug.

- Yeah I do.
- But you never...you thought the six-pack thing isn't for you?

It's not for me. I don't like it at all.

- Why?
- It's just too try hard.

- It's just...You know I like men... you know.
- I agree.

Yeah, I bet you're feeling like a bit of a berk now, aren't you?

He's been standing there you know that thing...

...men do with the pushing their arms out. Look at him.

he's like "look at my muscles here, look at that".

They're very nice.

- Now stick your stomach out, you aren't be able to share it, are you?
- That's perfect.

Anyway I wanna talk about your lap, how was it out there?

Um...I was...it was ok.

It was a lot harder than I imagined,

I got a bit angry as well which I don't think is good.

- Angry with the Stig?
- Myself, not with the Stig,

- I love the Stig. He was very patient, very generous.
- Really?

- Very...was he?
- Yeah, hahaha...

- It's just unfortunate that he's got really toned body.
- Does he?

Yeah and a face like the elephant man, um...

That's a shame.

- Did you call Chris up to get...
- Yeah.

- And he said?
- He said "listen to the Stig and work with the lines".

Would you like to see it?

Alright.

Who'd like to see Billie's lap?

Ok, let's have a look.

Shake and bake.

Second gear.

And third next?

Ooop you cut the corner a little bit there

but hey that doesn't matter

coz it just slows you down.

Where are you...where're you going? You're on the wrong side of the line.

Must beat Gordon Ramsey.

Ok into the hammerhead and...

again that's entirely the wrong route.

Oh God, this is terrible.

Jonathan Ross was the last person here to get this lost.

(Fucking) hell.

Yeah, that was...

you got the right way, didn't turn right there, that's good.

And then through second to last corner,

that's where everybody get's it wrong but that's a very good line actually there,

and then this isn't...

and there we are and across the line.

That wasn't great, was it?

Well...

Where do you reckon on the board that was?

Please tell me I'm above Steve Coogan.

Above Steve Coogan. Well you are.

- However we do have a problem.
- Why?

You did it in 1 minute 48 point 3.

To the stunned silence of amazement of the entire audience.

But the problem we've got

is that we've had to have a word with "His Stigness".

- Why?
- Well because...

...you didn't really do a lap of the track.

I mean you didn't do the same lap that all the other people have done.

Does that matter?

Well, do you know, yes, it does.

No, it doesn't, please no.

Well, I don't know what to do

because the Stig says he reckons it's a 3 second penalty for cutting the corners.

- I told you he was an unpleasant man.
- He's not a nice man.

What do we think? Leave? Leave it there?

Leave it there?

- People power, I'm sorry...
- I'm quite happy with that.

Well you would be.

I would do this like

"I could get home in a really quick time if I just drove straight through..."

You're staying where you are.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper!
- Thank you.

Now, this is the new Mustang

We drove it a while back and we found it a bit...well, lame.

But the thing about the Mustang

is you can always improve the breed.

As I shall now explain with a rather noisy history lesson

One of the many great things about the Mustang

Is that it really introduced drivers to the whole idea

of options of specking up your car.

So when it first came out in the early 1960s,

nobody wanted a bogle standard one with a 6 cylinder engine

They wanted ones like this

The GT390

This is the Bullitt Mustang

The one Steve McQueen hurled into movie history

around the streets of San Francisco

The GT390 is, in car terms

One of the seven wonders of the world

The noise, the presence

Very very few cars live up to their hype.

But this car does, and I should know

Because this is my GT390

And I'm using it to make a Mustang point

Everything that made it good

The engine, the lights, the stripes was extra.

Basically if you wanted a good one

You have to forget cheap and cheerful

and go for the bells and whistles version

And that's what's been missing so far from the new one.

Untill now.

This is the Mustang GT500

And from every angle you can see it??s muscle car

biceps straining to burst out of the body work.

It's also festooned with menacing Cobra badges

Attribute to tuning legend Carol Shelby

Now Shelby only ever put his name

to the fastest and the most powerful Mustangs

Which means this thing

has gotta be more than just a fashion state.

And it is.

Good, God.

You see this car has the super charged V8 from the Ford GT.

This means power goes up from 300 to 500 horse power.

0 to 60, 4.9 seconds

0 to 100, 10 seconds

In America the GT500 has gone down a storm

The queues are out of the door and ram the block

Now if you wait your turn

You could put one of these on your drive

in Briton for 35,000 pounds

Sounds tempting.

Question is: Should you?

Let's start with the power

That 500 bhp, it's a bit ... you know, neat.

This is a rolling road

It's a sort of lie detector for engines

and gives the true horse power reading

Genuenly looking forward to this

What it's got?

Really?

Right

So this GT500 actually makes

447bhp

Err. Almost

There you go. That seems fair enough.

You know, thinking about it, why not got the mechine here.

Please don't hurt it.

It had, when it was brand new, 325bhp

And I'm assured by the man who sold me it

that this is a fine example of the breed.

250bhp

Anyway, back to the job in hand

and speaking of disappointments

Multi-link geometry

Dual-way remote reservoir dampers

Fully independent rear suspension

These are just some of the things that this Mustang...

...hasn't got

No, what this car uses is a live axel.

which as rear suspension goes

is basically a whacking grate girder
with a wheel at each end

It's not exactly the most modern layout

Noah's Ark had a similar set-up.

Because the technology is old fashioned

you can have some good old fashioned fun

But when it all goes wrong

the Mustang becomes as precise
and dynamic as ... well an ark

Now Ford say they didn't give the GT500 modern suspension

Because it would've added 5000 dollars to the price of each car.

That is a ridiculous decision

You can't just give a car an extra 200 bhp

And then leave it with prehistoric suspension

What you're left with then

is a car that looks great and goes fast in a straight line

And that's it. But don't despair.

If you really want to spend 30 grand on a Mustang

that looks good and goes fast in a straight line

Then why not buy the one

that has the pedigree and the history

And makes a great noise

Buy this one...well not this one obviously.

It's a bit down on power.

No you're right, you're absolutely right.

You cannot put...

can't put that much power in a car

without changing the suspension

- You just can't, or the breaks.
- Exactly, the rest of it can't handle it.

Anyway, we must now find out how fast

the Shelby goes round our track

And to do that

we gotta put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.

Some say that he isn't machine-washable

and all his potted plants are called Steve.

All we know is he's called the Stig

Ok away it goes.

And you can see the back wheels

bobbing around struggling for grip.

That's the low-tech suspension for you.

Let's see how it affects things in the corners

Diving into the first one now.

Looking fairly composed so far, not too bad.

Just breaking loose a little bit
on the exit there

Radio: Guiding his hands

she helped him to unbutton her pretty lilac blouse

More gushing fictions from the Stig's collection there.

Chicago now.

You see it tried to cock a back wheel

and then it gets all out of shape on the way out.

That is messy

Hammerhead now.

Heaving forward on the breaks

and he's lurching over into the turns

Stig kicks it into a bit of a drift

It's smoking inside wheel but not elegant

Radio: Locking her arms around his neck

she softly pressed her lips to his

Into Follow through,
chance to see this car in its best now

which is in a straight line.

Yep, that's fast through the tires
two corners left

Oh dear wallowing about like a frisky hippo there

Just Gambon to negotiate now

He holds it in, dab of opposite lock and across the line

He did it in 1:30 exactly

- 1:30 so...
- Precisely, yeah

The same as a Monaro

Err, yes which is good but ...

It's good, but the thing is

you can see it wobbling about in that film

I mean the Stig is just all over the place.

And that really brings me on to this

Ok? which is the Roush Mustang.

Now it's only got 415 bhp this, OK

which obviously isn't as much as the Shelby

But they have changed the suspension

they have changed the breaks

I drove this last year in America
and it was just bri...

I mean really properly brilliant car this.

But if I'm right, this is what?

10,000 pounds more expensive than the Shelby

Well yes, but it's 10 grand more car, it really is

In fact earlier on, after the Stig'd been out in the Shelby

We gave this to him and this is what it looked like out there

Here he is, coming up to, where is he now? That's Chicago

You see, look, there is no wobbling like there was in the Shelby

/ amazed. You hear that supercharger whine and the exhaust

This is got a limited slip diff as well

which the shelby hasn't

so it doesn't just spin all the power away on the inside wheel

It's ... Oh God that's such a nice car.

- Do you know what the time was?
- Go on

OK 415bhp, what was this? 450 there about.

- It was 1:28
- Wow.

1:28 so it's 2 seconds faster than the Shelby

But it is M3 money

Yes, but honestly I'd have one of those

If I were the sort of person who

looked at my sister and thought...Emm

Now earlier, you saw us buy 3 normal cars

and turn them into stretch Limousines

Then we went down to our test track for a series of challenges

And I have to say

That Jeremy, your Panda was rubbish, mate.

- Absolutely rubbish
- Yeah, it wasn't brilliant, no

It came, what? You got the most hits in the anti-terrorist test

- Yes it is
- And it was knocked out by a hose pipe.

Anyway, for the final challenge

We were told to smarten ourselves up

Because we will be chauffeuring top celebrities

to this year's glittering Brit Awards

Yes we would and the winner would be

the person who could get the most photographs of their celebrity

in the following week's newspapers and magazines

This is what happened.

Before being allowed on the road

each of our cars had to face a goverment inspection

to make sure they were road legal

Hammond's sailed through no problem at all

and so amazingly did May's

me though, I had a problem

For some extraordinary reason

the rule say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public high way

so I had to do some surgery

I had to lot 7 feet out of the middle

which has affected the rear leg room a little bit

But it is now quite nippy

coz it's only emm, 8 feet longer than a bus

For my pick up, I had to go to a hotel in Chelsea

to collect a Brit Nominee called Lemar

He..hello!

- Mr. Lemar
- Yes

- My name is May. I'm your chauffeur for the day.
- OK.

Umm, this is your car.

En, it's a ... it's an Alfa Saab

Meanwhile, I've been sent to EMI records in West London

It's just got a bit dent, it's very simple to polish it out.

Everyone's a critic.

My VIP pick up was R&B star Jamelia

Oh my God. Hahaha.

OK! No expense spent!

While Hammond got the glamorous singer, I had to pick up a fat man

Oh, God.

Chris Moyles, Radio 1

This is your luxury limousine transportation

Not what I had in mind

Right

Here we go. Sit back relax

Oh...What's it done?

OK, if you'd like to step in

That will be great and we'll get off.

What?

- Um, this is the intercom.
- Yes.

You press that button if you want to talk to me.

If it starts to rain, don't press it, because you'll get electrocuted.

Eventually though all our passagers were on board and we were ready.

Are you comfortable?

No.

Good God.

We were all now heading for Earls Court

The Brit's is one of the biggest night in the showbiz calendar

with most celebs hoping to look impressive

by arriving in a big shiny German car

We were gonna show them the error of their ways.

It's better than a Audi this will get you noticed

You know what happened to Dave Lee Travis he is on three counties radio now?

coz he didn't think to use cars like these for going to awards ceremony

Now I've chosen this route

to demonstrate the brilliance of my car.

Meanwhile in the Alfaab

Lemar was riveted by James' conversation

There is a small issue with the congestion charge

because as I'm sure you know the camera records the rear view of the car

but when they look at the photographs

It'll give the regestration number of the saab

but the photogragh would show the front of an Alfa

So we're looked as...so somebody with

the wrong sort of car for the number plate has reversed into London

back in the Panda

my demonstration of its brilliance

wasn't going too well

You're crutching it.

Oh..

Um, it's still standing.

Exactly, there isn't any wrong with it, shush.

We can edit that bit out

So when the digital camera takes picture

it thinks "Well, that's a Saab"

But when they look at the photo they'll see it's a Alfa Romeo

And it's going the wrong way

Height car on the left there sir.

In the MG

poor old Jamelia was attracting a lot of attention from fans

Not least because Hammond'd had to modify his intercom

to make it legal.

Sorry about the fan thing trying to chat you up there.

That was a bit awkward for you

- I'm sure I've got...
- I can't hear you.

Oh..

So, Jamelia was embarrassed in the MG

Lemar was bored in the Alfaab

and Chris had yet to appreciate the Panda's brilliance.

That, oh.. that's

That is a catastrophe it's just happened now.

Can you, is that car behind you very close?

Yes

And then Lemar woke up

as he began to realize that

James had no idea where he was going

The car doesn't have navigation, um? I take it.

Well, it has navigational source, it has

a driver who's lived in London for 20 years

21 years actually

Where are we now sir?

Um, we are just coming onto um..err...

To distract Chris from the fact that

we were almost constantly stuck

I engaged him some musical small talk

I once went to Earls Court in 1976

saw Bad Company there, Simon Kirke

He did a drum solo like you wouldn't believe.

It was now 6 o'clock

Lemar was supposed to be at the Brits in half an hour

and James was miles away.

stuck in the side streets of central London

Actually if you don't mind sir, this is sort of where I need your help

- Um, because the reason
- OK

this car would go round in very small corners

is because you can steer it from both ends

but I'm afraid I have to ask you to sit in the Alfa Romeo and steer

By this stage Moyles was hungry and thirsty

and because I haven't thought of include any onboard catering

He'd been shopping for supplies.

What was that?

I was getting on my seat.

Oh, sorry. I thought someone's run into us

Turn left

Right, left?

Yeah, your left

- My left?
- Yeah.

That's it, That's perfect. You see.

Straight around that very tight bend.

You see now a normal Limousine wouldn't go round like that, would it?

Let's do another one, hard left sir

OK, so , this umm... your steer..

The whole thing is not ...

I..you need to straighten it up a little bit

- So we're crabbing round badly...
- I can't

Because the whole..you know, your wheel spin is a bit...

Jamelia was closer to Earls Court than Lemar

but no happier

The... the accelerator's stuck open a bit

But if you think about it.

I have to link it to the back of a car

It's hydro gas suspension and the clutch and breaks, all the things...

Oh, hang on.

That doesn't sound good.

That's...

Oh, sorry.

Road closed. I'd better go right.

And then it got worse

That's not come well, has it?

Where are you going?

You're going that way, right.

Sorry, sorry.

Ahhh!

Sorry.

- Oh my God, you're just the worst driver...
- Sorry.

That's the famous Harry's department store on the left

Earlier when us talking about circles, you know

I mean, Harry's, seen it twice.

I don't really need to see it a third time.

The bus couldn't back up

and I was stuck on the double mini roundabout

- I can't make this turn Chris, at all
- Look where you're going.

Thank you. There we're clear, right.

Earls Court was now just minutes away.

What was that noise?

At the Brits

The world's media were waiting for Jamelia's arrival

I still don't think you appreciate

the complexity of linking up a rear engine car

when you stretched it.

Please listen just let me get out here!

No, no, red carpet there is for you.

I'm so embarrassed!

And she wasn't too pleased with my clever exit solution.

No, on the other side,

On the other side.

Sorry about the ladder thing

coz the steps weren't ideal.

While Jamelia regained her composure

I checked on the others.

Jeremy, how are you doing?

Umm, not well

It's what?

Into two pieces on the Lily Road.

It's broken in half.

Haha. I'm sorry not to give you more support but...

Sorry Chris.

I'm getting, getting like an hour late, or something like that.

at this rate, isn't it?

You know

The first time I'm nominated

Best male, you know? Hey, best male. Come on.

Surely sir. In the music business it's fashionable to be quite late anybody

Nobody ever turns up on time really.

There's fashionably late and there's stupidly late, you know.

I can only apologize sir, but it's...

I don't wanna hear anything, just please, just get me there

Well, there is five minutes to go

May's hopelessly lost

Jeremy's car's split in half.

That means, by defaulting nothing else, I'm the winner.

Yeahhh!

Hammond may have been gloating.

But I wasn't out of the competition yet.

What time do the awards start?

About five minutes.

That's here, end it.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait...

- Dignity, wait around a bit ...
- OK, dignity yeah, dignity

- Red carpet's over there.
- What? Well...

So Moyles was happy.

But Hammond wasn't.

You cheated!

You finished with half a car.

- You're supposed to finish with a...
- This is stretch.

I've got the man here

Meanwhile, in a car somewhere nowhere near Earls Court

Lemar acknowledged as one of the gentlemen of pop had had enough.

Strickly speaking is left.

But I think if we go right I can go round the back...

- What do you mean right?
- And then...

- Well..
- Right, why? you just said..Now listen, you just said go left.

- Right, so why..so, so..
- Most people would go left.

most peo.. so why don't we just follow what most poeple would do?

Because I think if we go right

No are you doing this intentionally now?

- No.
- This...decision is just stupid. It's just stupid..

Are you a jerk?

- No.
- This is what you plan...You come to mess up my day?

You picked me up.

You drove me round and round in circles in London.

Been passed Harry's 11 looks hundrud times now.

Left you turn it to go right.

I'm not taking this anymore.

- Open this damn door. For crying out loud!
- I think it's...

The stupid door doesn't open. I've had it!

Forget it.

Lemar go like that with him after half a day

- We have to work with him all the time.
- I know

Anyway, clearly, I won.

No hang on a minute.

The competition was to see

who could get the most photographs of their celebrity in newspapers and magazines

Now I know this is the most pointless question ever

Since you ended up in Norridge.

How many?

Ahh..None.

- None at all, and you?
- None.

Don't tell me there was a picture of Chris Moyles somewhere.

Dataa.. look it out. Read it and weep.

There it is.

Wait, hang on. That's your page in your newspaper

Yes?

Well, you cheated.

You two have both got newspaper columns, you could have done it.

You just didn't think.

Come on Jeremy, you can't claim you've won

just because of the passport picture.

Yes I can. It's the winner.

But you hit every single bollard in East London.

- West, James, west.
- West...whatever

And then you finished with half a car.

You're half a person.

It doesn't seem to bother you. Anyway I .. I'm afraid I did win that, chaps

On that bombshell it's time to end the show

and indeed the series.

Um, we've no idea when we'll be back.

I tell you something though.
The three of us will be back here

to record a special Top Gear of the Pops

for comic relief in a couple of weeks

And we hope to see you then