Top Gear (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Top Gear of the Pops - full transcript
As part of Comic Relief 2007, the boys revived "Top Of The Pops" by having performances by Lethal Bizzle, Supergrass, Travis and Mcfly as well as integrating the Top Gear segment with music themes which includes news about upcomin...
Hello and welcome to
a Top Gear special.
That is Resolute, the most
northerly town in Canada,
way in the Arctic Circle.
And we're here because
we're going to have a race.
400 miles over mostly frozen
ocean in that direction,
to the North Pole.
I shall be travelling
using traditional methods,
husky dogs, sledge, and skis.
Yes and I'm going to try
and beat him in a car.
Now that's never
been done before.
No one has ever tried to
drive to the North Pole.
:
And here's why.
On the way, he would
encounter ice boulders
as big as cathedrals, polar
bears the size of hatchbacks,
temperatures that would
freeze the fuel in his tank.
And, if Al Gore
is to be believed,
open water, into
which he would sink.
Victory then would be mine.
Right, time to meet my team.
: The
engines powering me to the pole
will be 10 husky dogs.
Where the car would get stuck
or crash through the thin ice,
they'd be fine.
And driving them
would be Matty McNair,
one of the world's leading
sled dog explorers and racers.
:
The dogs have been
living up here for 4,000 years.
They can go through anything.
They can go through cold,
they can go through blizzard.
I have a lead dog that can
find the hard packed ice
and go through it like that.
He figures out a good route.
So hang on, that's terrain--
Yes.
---weather--
Yes.
---they're made for it.
And what about this--
I've just been weed on.
Do they have to wee on me?
They're fast.
:
To beat
the human lamppost I
would be using, naturally,
a Toyota pickup truck.
It's a tough old bird, this.
But even so, for the
trip to the pole,
it had been sent to Iceland
for a few modifications.
The biggest change,
apart from the gun,
obviously, are the
enormous wheels.
Cuban wheels, I
like to call them,
give it a bit of extra height.
The tyres are handmade,
cost two and a half thousand
pounds each.
They're so vast in fact that
the front suspension has had
to be moved forwards,
otherwise you wouldn't
be able to open the door.
Other changes?
Well it's got heavy duty
diffs, heavy duty suspension,
it's got a sump guard
about that thick,
in case we hit a piece of pretty
much solid 300-year-old ice.
And then at the front I
insisted it was fitted
with these powerful spot lamps.
Although that might have
been a bit unnecessary,
since currently
11:30 PM and this
is as dark as it ever gets.
:
Inside there was
marine satellite navigation.
And underneath, a
long range fuel tank
filled with a freeze-resistant
mixture of diesel and gas.
In fact, all I need to
complete the picture
is a guide and a navigator.
Now Richard Hammond
has been given
Matty McNair, who is one of the
world's leading Arctic experts.
Me?
I've been given him.
Can I just make
it absolutely clear
now that I'm only here because
the producer said I had to be.
I don't like snow.
I hate being cold.
I hate outdoor pursuits.
I hate the idea that I've got to
push my body to find the limit.
I can't stand this
stupid clothing
that makes this rustling noise
when you move all the time.
And I hate the zips
and the toggles
and all the pockets and that.
And I hate your stupid truck.
Listen, shh, if we make
it, look at it this way,
you will be the first person
ever to go to the North Pole
who didn't want to be there.
:
So we
have the right tools for
the job, which just left us.
We're not what you'd
call polar explorers.
So earlier in the year we'd been
sent to a cold weather training
camp in the Austrian Alps.
And I gave May and Hammond
their first ever skiing lesson.
I can't go because of the wind!
:
Richard in particular
would be spending a lot of
time skiing alongside his dogs.
Keep them so that the
tips are like that.
Don't worry about him.
You need to go a
bit more downhill
or level your skis out.
If I go downhill I'll slip.
:
James wasn't much better.
James please put them on.
Yeah I'm coming down
here to put them on,
otherwise I'll just fall
over and it's pointless.
It's the same here
as it is there.
Push off and then
start-- just kick the ass
off of the skis with your heel.
Yes.
Don't cross them.
Oh thanks a bunch!
I can't stop them.
It's going to take me
20 minutes to get there!
We can go together.
No I've only got one ski on.
Oh God sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Right.
We've done-- see
where we've come from?
Yeah.
30, 40 yards.
And you've got 400 miles to ski.
Jeremy!
:
We were then
taught how to erect a tent.
Our instructor was a former
Special Forces soldier who
arrived with a pixelated face.
He was very bossy.
We can do this now, or
we can do it at 4 o'clock
in the morning.
I don't care.
The only good thing is is
that it can't possibly be
colder than this in the Arctic.
The post is broken now.
You have to push it.
You've now got poles stuck in
here that you have to get out,
and you have no
way of doing that.
I didn't break it.
It broke.
Well who broke
the elastic then?
:
The man with the funny face
was getting more
and more irritated.
I've just had a brilliant idea.
What's the idea?
Why don't we just
tow a caravan?
James!
Feed it through.
Put your foot on there.
What are you doing?
Put your foot on there.
I need your foot on there.
If this blows away, that's it.
It's game over, yeah?
There's no like, oh, we'll
just get another tent
down the co-op, yeah?
It's a case of, this tent is it.
That's not going well!
-You haven't got that in.
-I missed it!
Take it back to where
we're putting the tent up.
:
Finally, quite a bit later,
the tent was up.
Sadly our ordeal
was not yet over,
because the man
with the ruined face
was going to show
us how it would feel
to fall through the polar ice.
Right, in your own time I want
all three of you to jump in.
What's the problem?
Well hang on.
So at the pole we'd all three be
standing in a line with safety
on us, holding poles, and
then we fall in the water?
It's a silly test.
I'm not doing that.
Actually the
whole point of this
is you have to be able
to take your clothes off
and put more clothes
on again very quickly.
And I've practised
that in the hotel room.
What is it, when you've
got like a tingling
down your arm and chest like?
He's gone in.
Quick, pull yourself out.
Pull yourself out.
Come on, put some effort in.
You don't want to
stay in there all day.
Drop the pole.
-I'll tell you--
Hands above your head.
Hands above your head.
Hands above your head!
OK roll in the snow,
roll in the snow.
Roll in the snow Jeremy.
That'll make you
much better, rather
than a big pink fluffy towel.
That looked awful.
I'm staggered.
Do you know what though?
I like to think of us
as a unit on Top Gear.
And as a unit, we've
done that test.
:
Our instructors
were not impressed
with that theory,
and decided we needed our
heads banging together.
So they drafted it in
the legendary Arctic
Explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
The problem we have is that we
can't really get into our heads
that this is a particularly
dangerous place to go.
But you think it this?
No, I don't think it is.
I know that it can
be, because of what's
happened to me in that area
over the last 36 years.
You will have the
polar bear problem,
you will have the ignorance
problem, because you
lot are apparently ignorant.
And thirdly, the fact
that you will all
start hating each other because
of the extreme cold having
an effect.
The hatred is very real.
And you don't want to
laugh about it, which I
think you lot seem to be doing.
:
Then we moved on to frostbite.
And Ranulph showed us what
had happened to his hand
after it had been
immersed in polar water
for just a few moments.
-Look at that.
That's my left hand.
So eventually all those
red areas were amputated.
And that is-- if you look
at the proper hand there,
you can see how much is
missing and froze off.
That was a three minute mistake.
If we were-- if in the car say,
went through a hole in the ice,
and you fell in the water
at that temperature,
what are the
chances of survival?
If your whole body fell
in, and the car had gone in,
and your tent had gone
in, because you presumably
stow that in the
back of the car,
you could probably survive for,
if there was no wind, hours.
But I would probably prefer
in those circumstances
to go quickly
rather than slowly.
:
Back in Resolute I
was glad I'd had the
talk from Ranulph.
But not so glad that I'd had
a skiing lesson from Clarkson.
What?
You're not very good.
That's because you taught
me the wrong kind of skiing.
This is a cross country.
You did downhill.
You might as well have
taught me to play the banjo.
:
And as
zero hour approached
I was also struggling
to bond with the dogs.
Oh you're trying to pull there.
:
My dear
Clarkson wasn't
doing much better
with his snow driving practise.
And James was rubbish
with a shotgun.
Whoa!
:
Zero hour.
And even though our
talent was small
and the dangers ahead
were plainly immense,
we were looking
forward to the off.
Well, two of us were.
Look at the awful
expanse of misery.
-Are you cold?
-No.
-Are we falling through the ice?
-Not yet.
Well cheer up.
How far have we gone?
-We haven't set off yet.
-Quite.
Who do you think this is
going to win this race?
I think we're all going to die.
Let's go to the pole.
I can't believe it.
I'm going to the
pole with a dog team.
Whoa hang on.
Hang on, stop.
Stop.
What?
Oh and they're stuck.
They're stuck.
I forgot my gloves.
Give me strength.
I knew he was going to
be bad on this trip.
I didn't know he'd be this bad.
Hurry up!
:
So here
we are, going further north than
any car had ever been before.
Riding on a thin crust of ice
over an ocean 1,500 feet deep.
Just us, a film crew,
two Icelandic mechanics,
and a soldier.
An insignificant nine man blot
in the pristine white vastness.
This is only the third time
I've had skis on my feet.
It's really hard.
I know lots of people
ski these days,
but I grew up in Birmingham.
:
The car had disappeared
into the distance,
but Matty told me
the hare would be unstuck
by ice that was too thick,
or drowned by ice
that was too thin.
And that the tortoise
would then take the lead.
i wasn't so sure.
Oh hell.
:
With things going
so well for us, I
tried to get James
to buy in to our expedition.
I admire Hammond for
doing what he's doing.
I admire all arctic explorers.
But I think the time has now
come for the world to say,
let's see how easily we can
get to the top of Everest.
Let's see how easily we
can get to the North Pole.
What if we could forge a career
as the world's worst explorers?
:
Surprisingly James
was ahead of me on that one.
What would really make it
nice is a gin and tonic.
Would you like one?
-What?
A gin and tonic.
Yes, I'd like a gin and tonic.
Can't have a gin and
tonic because we're
in the Arctic Ocean.
I'll make you one.
What?
You've got gin!
-I have.
And because we're in
international waters
there's no drunk driving laws.
Exactly.
Have you got the ice?
That's a stupid
question, isn't it?
Will you just slow down
while I slice the lemon
for the gin and tonic?
Now this is arctic exploration.
Please do not write to us about
drinking and driving because I
am not driving, I am sailing.
Cheers!
:
Our target was five to six miles
an hour, but on the first day we
hadn't done anything like that.
Been on the go 10 hours.
We've done 36 miles.
Not good.
Not good news.
The problem is, we're
standing on sea ice.
That means it's got salt in
it, it's incredibly grippy.
The sleds can hardly move.
I've been skiing for about nine
and a half hours of those 10.
I'm broken.
:
With us of course,
things were more civilised.
As you know, what
I'm trying to do
with this mission
is prove that Arctic
exploration needn't be tough.
Which brings me
onto the delicate
question of number two's.
You see, what a traditional
polar explorer would do
is simply go out there and
squat down, like an animal.
What I've done though
is fitted this bumper
dumper into the
tow bar attachment,
and now I'm going to try it out.
Oh that's nippy.
:
James
meanwhile was on guard duty.
James are you showing
off, or are you actually
looking for bears over there?
Because I can't run.
How many poos a day do
these dogs need to have?
I say two.
It's 10.
It's 10 each, at least.
:
Sometimes I'd look forward
to the sledge bogging down, so I
could get out of the poo stream
and run alongside.
:
Meanwhile, James
was breaking out the elevenses.
-Chocolate bars.
-What kind?
Have a bit.
And we should say, if
you're watching this,
this is not just gluttony.
We genuinely have
been told by experts
that if you are trekking
across the Arctic
you need 5,000 calories a day.
So we're only too happy
to shove that much in.
I'm not certain that when they
told us that we needed 5,000
calories a day that we
would be in a slightly
warm car, sitting down.
But just to be safe.
:
After our morning snack,
James found my Jesus.
-Why have you brought Jesus?
-What?
Why have you brought Jesus?
The Jesus, I thought,
could sit in the car
and guide us in our hours
of need, if we ever had one.
Is it a Jesus action figure?
It is.
There's a map on the
back here, to guide us.
Of Galilee.
:
I was now back on the skis
and starting to
get the hang of it.
Today Richard you've got to
learn how to pee on the move.
Pee on the move?
Yes.
I'm not hurt.
:
We meanwhile
had reached the vast,
uninhabited wilderness
of Bathurst Island
and were going,
if anything, even faster.
Our lead over Hammond kept
getting bigger and bigger.
: I
was now over 50 miles behind.
But Matty had come
up with a plan.
We know we haven't
got the edge on speed,
so we need to use tactics.
This is what we're going to do.
It's now about 8 o'clock at
night, and we've run all day.
We've made brilliant progress.
We're going to put
these guys to bed,
hence we've chained them all up.
They're going to have a sleep.
But they're only going to
do so for about three hours.
Then we'll get up again and
then we can run at night.
It's cooler for the dogs.
They prefer it.
And they love the colder
temperatures because they
can run faster and harder.
:
And so in the early hours
of the morning,
when the temperature
had dropped to minus 35,
we roused the dogs and ran.
Then suddenly.
Well I think they caught our
scent earlier on in the day,
followed our tracks, but whether
or not it's just hanging around
and it's picked up the scent
now as it comes downwind.
: As
I was pinned down by the bear,
team G and T were
getting underway.
Clarkson!
I know it's you, you
insufferable oaf.
I'm on the bloody throne.
:
We ate up the miles
and discussed how we'd
celebrate when we make the pole.
So of all the things
you could have brought,
champagne, whatever it might be,
you've brought a tin of Spam.
Yes.
: And
then we too encountered a bear.
Oh it's got babies!
Sweet!
:
Not being Attenborough,
I couldn't think of
anything else to say.
So we set off, and with a
bit of divine guidance--
I am the vine, you
are the branches.
If a man remains in me, and I
in him, he will bear much fruit.
:
We made it, uneaten,
to the other side of the island.
:
I've
been running all day, all
night, and now it's day or night
and I've got to sleep.
I'm confused.
My body clock's broken.
:
Our progress
was so good I decided
to find out what Hammond
was making such a fuss about.
Round, round get
around, I get around.
Guys, can you bring
a car to tow us out?
First time at the wheel,
James has managed to put
it basically into the sea.
That is sea water.
If this car goes
through, it's game over.
:
The truck was sinking.
But luckily the Icelandic's had
another trick up their sleeve.
A bungee rope.
The tow car would set off at
a huge speed, building energy
in the elasticated
rope, which would
then who are stricken
car gently, but firmly,
out of the slush.
OK are you ready?
It was brilliant!
Thank God for that.
:
We were free,
but for the first time James
and I had real problems.
We'd been warned
before we start off
that constant tidal
movement weakens the ice
where it meets the shore.
They told us not to
drive near the coasts.
But how do you avoid them
when you're in a fjord?
Look how narrow it is here.
It can't be more
than a mile, if that.
They say don't go
near the coasts.
But we can't not.
We can't not go
near the coasts.
: To
make things worse, the ice here
was perilously thin.
This is just, it's
just-- look at it, it's
literally covered in cracks.
We're facing a problem.
There is no other
way through here.
I mean that's a cliff, that's
a sheer cliff that way.
We cannot go on the land.
If we go back to the
only way we can go
is all the way back to
Resolute and just giving up.
:
Based on no knowledge at all,
we decided to push on in
our three tonne truck.
It's blue.
I know.
We're looking at the ocean.
I know.
:
If we went through the ice,
our only chance at escape
would be to smash the glass.
See I don't like
the look of that.
I don't either.
This is scary.
:
As it dawned on us,
the nearest hospital
was 1,500 miles away.
And the nearest
rescue helicopter
even further than that.
We began to understand the
danger of where we were,
and what we were doing.
If we go in here
we're dead, aren't we?
Yep.
I mean dead.
:
It went on like this for mile
after mile.
We just drove over here and the
whole thing has just collapsed.
It's just-- that's nothing.
Look.
:
Over at team dog,
we were covering good ground
with the night time running.
But I was getting knackered.
It's weird the way being
very tired affects you.
Today, privately whilst being
towed along by the sledge,
I had a little weep.
I haven't done that for years.
And out here the tears cause
moisture in your ski goggles,
and it froze on the inside.
So I couldn't see.
So then I had
something to cry about.
:
After just two
hours sleep though, the
dogs were raring to go.
Out, come out this way.
Out.
Get out.
Don't touch him, he's scared.
He'll bite anybody.
:
Today
it would be killer getting
over the mountains on Bathurst.
And Matty's never-ending
bonhomie was starting to grate.
Nothing like a couple hours of
sleep to bring your morale up.
Up, up, up, up, OK!
Oh, oh what are you doing?
Oh.
:
I knew
we were in for a tough day,
and was impatient to get going.
Very unfunny.
Idiot.
My iPod has stopped working.
My little camera doesn't work.
My radio transmitter for my
microphone outside the car
doesn't work.
Everything is being
ruined by the cold,
and yet the car, everything
on it, is still working fine.
It is remarkable.
:
Which was good,
because soon it came
face to face with this.
This is what we'd
been warned about.
A massive boulder field full
of smashed up blocks of ice,
some the size of houses.
How in the hell did
nature come up with that?
This is the absolute
definition of the chaos theory.
:
However,
as we were 90 miles
ahead of Hammond
and we had no idea about
the horrors that lay ahead,
we entered in good spirits.
-Look at it!
Look at that.
It's almost Star Trek.
It's one of those scenes--
you know in Star Trek, when
they land on a hostile planet?
And that's some other sun.
Yeah, it's that.
:
The boulder field immediately
started to bog us down.
We couldn't drive
over the ice blocks.
That is impassable.
:
And between them
were snow drifts 15 feet deep.
Each time we spin the wheels,
we sink a little bit more.
It's very hard work.
And very cold.
: The
boulder field was also a maze.
We'd spent hours
picking a route.
-That way.
-What?
That way.
: And
then it's a complete dead end.
There has to be another
way through here.
Down there.
:
Then it got even worse.
This is a lump of solid ice.
And there's another one
at the back of the car,
and it's just sunk
in between them.
It isn't as though
there's any help
either, because the
other two cars are,
well I can just see one.
The other one's miles away.
And they're both
stuck as well, so we
have to get this out somehow.
And with each passing minute,
Hammond's getting closer.
No James, it won't do it.
Well that's ice as well.
:
It took us three hours
to chop ourselves free.
Try that.
This is just cripple this.
We've been in here nearly a day.
:
As we
got more and more
lost in the ice maze,
we lost all sense of
time and distance.
It's 4 o'clock in the morning
and it's just a nightmare.
We're just covering inches,
inches per hour, literally.
:
By the time
we pitched camp we'd been in
the boulder field for 20 hours,
and we were only one
mile nearer to the pole.
:
In the meantime,
we'd cleared Bathurst Island.
But the brutal pace was
starting to fray my temper.
Thanks.
Did you want to see if it fits?
I do need a new lead
dog, he's pretty--
You can try.
But there's nobody else here.
And I have a shovel.
I wouldn't.
At one point today
I had to count
the dog tracers
onto the caribiner
that holds them to the sled.
We untangled the leads
and put them back on.
There are 10, because
there's 10 dogs.
It took me three
attempts to count to 10.
:
After two hours kit,
we too, were
frazzled and starting
to understand why no one had
ever taken a car to the pole
before.
Oh no.
Right.
Look at that.
I know.
And that is on the horizon.
And that is still a lump of ice.
That means there's bad
ice right out there.
We're going to be
in here forever.
:
But we
had to get out, because we had
limited fuel, limited food,
and in here, absolutely
no chance of rescue.
My dream of a luxury trip
to the pole was in tatters.
My hands are freezing, James.
It's not going to work.
I'll just say, when I got down
to the bottom of that slope,
we were back where we were--
I know.
---two, an hour and a half ago.
You don't have to remind me.
:
In eight hours we went nowhere.
Can you turn the cameras off?
Yeah.
:
We, meanwhile,
were cruising up
the fjord, where
May had gone through the ice.
But we had no worries,
sort of, because Matty had
unleashed her secret weapon.
All right, Matty puts
it up and skis with it.
That saves weight and
motivates the dogs.
Yeah!
Now we're making progress!
Now we are making progress.
: After
two days of going nowhere,
Jeremy's patience had snapped.
Uh oh.
Oh my God, what is that?
I think that's the
auxiliary fuel tank.
I'll tell you something
else as well--
What, a whole fuel
tank has just dropped
off the bottom of the car?
-I'll tell you something else.
-What?
It smells remarkable like
it might not be leaking.
Oh Christ.
Hang on a minute.
James, James, James, the
prop shaft is gouged to hell,
and the fuel tank
is gauged to hell.
How much is in the
main tank at the moment?
If we're losing fuel, we've
got to get as much as possible
into the other tank.
:
The miles were tumbling.
:
We'd
managed to pump some of the
fuel into the good tank,
but then we hit another problem.
That's what the fuel tank
did to the shock absorber
when it came off.
So we've had to
replace that as well.
And we've now ended up with one
full tank, the standard tank
the car comes with.
The other one is empty.
Cross fingers, really.
:
The crash had
also ripped a tyre off the rim.
But luckily our
Icelandics had yet
another trick up their sleeves.
They filled the tyre
with lighter fuel, and--
Great success!
:
However we now had barely
enough fuel to get to the pole.
We were still stuck.
And then came a
call from team dog.
In the two days that we'd been
trapped, he'd closed us down
and was now in the
boulder field as well.
Get out of there!
: The
news caused a bit of a row.
Sometimes James you have
to move fast, and that was--
Sometimes Jeremy you
have to move slowly.
For example, going over
the soft snow, where
we've been told time
and again there are huge
lumps of immobile ice.
Which is exactly
what's caused that.
: We
wished we'd paid more attention
at the alpine training camp.
We wished we were fitter.
It really was
starting to get tough.
We felt certain that
Hammond was ahead,
but we had to stop
and put the tent up.
And it was a nightmare.
It was minus 42,
we were exhausted,
and Ranulph's prediction
about falling out
was starting to ring true.
Hang on, hang on.
-You ready?
-No.
Just it in.
Just please James.
I am so unspeakably
outraged with you.
Be quick for once!
You're not even doing
this intelligently.
You have to push it through
until it goes in the other end.
James, I'm dying here.
You cannot build
a tent by shouting.
I am dying.
Oh .
That, frankly, is
a pathetic effort.
:
The dogs were also fighting,
and Matty dispensed
swift discipline.
Get out!
Out!
Out!
I need to run them for a bit.
This is crazy.
:
They mean the world to her,
but they're not domestic pets.
They're pack animals,
and sometimes
she to remind them who's boss.
With order restored, they
blitzed the boulder field,
and soon we were clear.
:
Meanwhile, we
were beginning a third day
stuck in the same frozen hell.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
James, James, James.
What?
You're standing on
like an ice bridge.
Yeah, well what's
wrong with that?
You're going to cut
your arm off.
:
To try and speed things up
we've broken out a chainsaw to
cut away the bigger boulders,
and some snow ladders to
cross the deeper ravines.
That's just going to fall down.
It's not, because
I'll dig it in.
OK.
James?
Oh .
All right, put the
hammer down, Matty.
We are in a race.
We need to make good
speed on the flat.
We've got to.
Two days, two and a half days.
Our average speed is
less than a mile an hour.
I have--
Oh!
Ow.
Do you know what
I was about to say?
Do you know what I
was about to say?
No.
I was about to say, I think
we're coming to the end
of the boulder field.
Look about.
What can you not see?
Do you think we have
actually got to the edge?
That's very flat over there.
-That means we're out.
-We've made it!
It's flat!
It's so smooth and no
more going up and down.
: It
had taken three days of almost
nonstop driving, but
this incredible machine
had breached what
the experts said
would be an impregnable wall.
It had taken on the
impossible, and it had won.
75 miles to the pole.
I know.
I'm going to celebrate
with a tin of Spam.
What if I ate your Spam?
You're not eating my
Spam unless you want
to go home to your
wide and children
with a hatchet
buried in your head.
:
We knew
that with just 75
miles to go on flat ice
we could easily
overhaul Hammond.
So we decided to treat
ourselves to a spot of tenting.
I am never, ever, ever, ever
going to complain ever again
about the quality of a hotel.
As long as I get to a hotel and
I don't have to actually build
it, oh, you want a room sir?
Certainly.
Here's some bricks and
mortar and lavatory seats
and woods and nails, a hammer,
some carpets, some glass.
-What?
-Seat the pole.
:
We too
knew that the car would reel
us in, so we kept on going.
:
After 90 minutes
sleep we pulled down
the tent for what
would be the last time.
This is what I have to
put up with at night.
Sleeping next to
a six foot sinus
that then wees in a bottle and
leaves it for me to clear up.
: A
spot of revenge was in order.
Result.
:
There
was another result as well.
We figured out that we must have
retaken the lead from team dog.
As they struggled on,
we tried to rekindle
some of the fun
that seemed to have
gone missing from our journey.
I spy with my little eye
something that begins with S.
Snow?
Yes.
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with S.
-Sky?
-Yes.
I spy with my little eye--
If it begins with S
I'm going to kill you.
:
But then amazingly we
spotted something
beginning with P.
Is that a DC-3?
It is.
Or a C-47, strictly.
What, because it's
the military one?
Exactly.
Can you imagine
surviving that plan crash
and then finding yourself here?
That's a bad deal.
:
We'd run for 15 hours straight.
But even so, I knew
we were going to lose.
Um.
You know, we are now the most
northern people in the world.
Apart from Michael
Parkinson, obviously.
: With
the pole just 10 miles away,
it really did look
like we'd win the race,
and be the first people
ever to drive there.
But then--
Let's commiserate.
:
It couldn't
be more than a few miles deep,
but it didn't need to be.
Because if Hammond was
anywhere near, we were history.
Which way?
:
It took
us three hours to do a mile.
-Hold it!
:
And then the car beached
itself on a block of ice.
We were desperate.
Put the hammer down, Matty.
Let's make this count.
Try that.
:
Even though we were on fumes,
I through caution to the
wind and went for it.
We will not be beaten by a dog.
:
At last, we were clear.
We're going to do it
James, we're going to do it.
:
All we had to do now
was match the known bearings
of the pole with the readouts
on our sat-nav.
Left, left, left.
Left.
Where are you?
I expected a sort of
shining beam of light
coming out of the earth's core.
I go in this direction?
-Right.
Ready for it?
Ready?
Are you ready?
Ready?
Yes!
Huzzah!
It's here!
It's here!
Hammond!
Oh.
Matty, I'm off.
Where are you?
Hammond.
Yes?
We're at the North Pole.
-You've done it?
-We've done it.
We're here.
The truck got there?
Yeah the truck is got here.
It didn't fall through the ice.
I presume you're
not very far away.
No, no.
Listen-- oh no, wait.
Sorry mate, James,
James wants a word.
Hang on then.
-Hammond?
Yes man.
May.
Bad luck.
That was it, really.
Oh.
It can't be far.
:
As James tucked
into his ruined Spam, we
thought a little bit about what
we'd actually achieved.
I'd set out to prove that polar
exploration could be easy.
But it isn't.
It's brutal and savage.
The fact is though that two
middle aged men, deeply unfit
and mostly drunk, had made it.
Thanks entirely to
the incredible machine
that took us there.
They'd said we'd never get to
the pole because of the damage
the car has already
done to the ice cap.
Perhaps then that's what
we've proved most of all.
Really.
The inconvenient truth is,
it doesn't appear to have
even scratched the surface.
a Top Gear special.
That is Resolute, the most
northerly town in Canada,
way in the Arctic Circle.
And we're here because
we're going to have a race.
400 miles over mostly frozen
ocean in that direction,
to the North Pole.
I shall be travelling
using traditional methods,
husky dogs, sledge, and skis.
Yes and I'm going to try
and beat him in a car.
Now that's never
been done before.
No one has ever tried to
drive to the North Pole.
:
And here's why.
On the way, he would
encounter ice boulders
as big as cathedrals, polar
bears the size of hatchbacks,
temperatures that would
freeze the fuel in his tank.
And, if Al Gore
is to be believed,
open water, into
which he would sink.
Victory then would be mine.
Right, time to meet my team.
: The
engines powering me to the pole
will be 10 husky dogs.
Where the car would get stuck
or crash through the thin ice,
they'd be fine.
And driving them
would be Matty McNair,
one of the world's leading
sled dog explorers and racers.
:
The dogs have been
living up here for 4,000 years.
They can go through anything.
They can go through cold,
they can go through blizzard.
I have a lead dog that can
find the hard packed ice
and go through it like that.
He figures out a good route.
So hang on, that's terrain--
Yes.
---weather--
Yes.
---they're made for it.
And what about this--
I've just been weed on.
Do they have to wee on me?
They're fast.
:
To beat
the human lamppost I
would be using, naturally,
a Toyota pickup truck.
It's a tough old bird, this.
But even so, for the
trip to the pole,
it had been sent to Iceland
for a few modifications.
The biggest change,
apart from the gun,
obviously, are the
enormous wheels.
Cuban wheels, I
like to call them,
give it a bit of extra height.
The tyres are handmade,
cost two and a half thousand
pounds each.
They're so vast in fact that
the front suspension has had
to be moved forwards,
otherwise you wouldn't
be able to open the door.
Other changes?
Well it's got heavy duty
diffs, heavy duty suspension,
it's got a sump guard
about that thick,
in case we hit a piece of pretty
much solid 300-year-old ice.
And then at the front I
insisted it was fitted
with these powerful spot lamps.
Although that might have
been a bit unnecessary,
since currently
11:30 PM and this
is as dark as it ever gets.
:
Inside there was
marine satellite navigation.
And underneath, a
long range fuel tank
filled with a freeze-resistant
mixture of diesel and gas.
In fact, all I need to
complete the picture
is a guide and a navigator.
Now Richard Hammond
has been given
Matty McNair, who is one of the
world's leading Arctic experts.
Me?
I've been given him.
Can I just make
it absolutely clear
now that I'm only here because
the producer said I had to be.
I don't like snow.
I hate being cold.
I hate outdoor pursuits.
I hate the idea that I've got to
push my body to find the limit.
I can't stand this
stupid clothing
that makes this rustling noise
when you move all the time.
And I hate the zips
and the toggles
and all the pockets and that.
And I hate your stupid truck.
Listen, shh, if we make
it, look at it this way,
you will be the first person
ever to go to the North Pole
who didn't want to be there.
:
So we
have the right tools for
the job, which just left us.
We're not what you'd
call polar explorers.
So earlier in the year we'd been
sent to a cold weather training
camp in the Austrian Alps.
And I gave May and Hammond
their first ever skiing lesson.
I can't go because of the wind!
:
Richard in particular
would be spending a lot of
time skiing alongside his dogs.
Keep them so that the
tips are like that.
Don't worry about him.
You need to go a
bit more downhill
or level your skis out.
If I go downhill I'll slip.
:
James wasn't much better.
James please put them on.
Yeah I'm coming down
here to put them on,
otherwise I'll just fall
over and it's pointless.
It's the same here
as it is there.
Push off and then
start-- just kick the ass
off of the skis with your heel.
Yes.
Don't cross them.
Oh thanks a bunch!
I can't stop them.
It's going to take me
20 minutes to get there!
We can go together.
No I've only got one ski on.
Oh God sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Right.
We've done-- see
where we've come from?
Yeah.
30, 40 yards.
And you've got 400 miles to ski.
Jeremy!
:
We were then
taught how to erect a tent.
Our instructor was a former
Special Forces soldier who
arrived with a pixelated face.
He was very bossy.
We can do this now, or
we can do it at 4 o'clock
in the morning.
I don't care.
The only good thing is is
that it can't possibly be
colder than this in the Arctic.
The post is broken now.
You have to push it.
You've now got poles stuck in
here that you have to get out,
and you have no
way of doing that.
I didn't break it.
It broke.
Well who broke
the elastic then?
:
The man with the funny face
was getting more
and more irritated.
I've just had a brilliant idea.
What's the idea?
Why don't we just
tow a caravan?
James!
Feed it through.
Put your foot on there.
What are you doing?
Put your foot on there.
I need your foot on there.
If this blows away, that's it.
It's game over, yeah?
There's no like, oh, we'll
just get another tent
down the co-op, yeah?
It's a case of, this tent is it.
That's not going well!
-You haven't got that in.
-I missed it!
Take it back to where
we're putting the tent up.
:
Finally, quite a bit later,
the tent was up.
Sadly our ordeal
was not yet over,
because the man
with the ruined face
was going to show
us how it would feel
to fall through the polar ice.
Right, in your own time I want
all three of you to jump in.
What's the problem?
Well hang on.
So at the pole we'd all three be
standing in a line with safety
on us, holding poles, and
then we fall in the water?
It's a silly test.
I'm not doing that.
Actually the
whole point of this
is you have to be able
to take your clothes off
and put more clothes
on again very quickly.
And I've practised
that in the hotel room.
What is it, when you've
got like a tingling
down your arm and chest like?
He's gone in.
Quick, pull yourself out.
Pull yourself out.
Come on, put some effort in.
You don't want to
stay in there all day.
Drop the pole.
-I'll tell you--
Hands above your head.
Hands above your head.
Hands above your head!
OK roll in the snow,
roll in the snow.
Roll in the snow Jeremy.
That'll make you
much better, rather
than a big pink fluffy towel.
That looked awful.
I'm staggered.
Do you know what though?
I like to think of us
as a unit on Top Gear.
And as a unit, we've
done that test.
:
Our instructors
were not impressed
with that theory,
and decided we needed our
heads banging together.
So they drafted it in
the legendary Arctic
Explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
The problem we have is that we
can't really get into our heads
that this is a particularly
dangerous place to go.
But you think it this?
No, I don't think it is.
I know that it can
be, because of what's
happened to me in that area
over the last 36 years.
You will have the
polar bear problem,
you will have the ignorance
problem, because you
lot are apparently ignorant.
And thirdly, the fact
that you will all
start hating each other because
of the extreme cold having
an effect.
The hatred is very real.
And you don't want to
laugh about it, which I
think you lot seem to be doing.
:
Then we moved on to frostbite.
And Ranulph showed us what
had happened to his hand
after it had been
immersed in polar water
for just a few moments.
-Look at that.
That's my left hand.
So eventually all those
red areas were amputated.
And that is-- if you look
at the proper hand there,
you can see how much is
missing and froze off.
That was a three minute mistake.
If we were-- if in the car say,
went through a hole in the ice,
and you fell in the water
at that temperature,
what are the
chances of survival?
If your whole body fell
in, and the car had gone in,
and your tent had gone
in, because you presumably
stow that in the
back of the car,
you could probably survive for,
if there was no wind, hours.
But I would probably prefer
in those circumstances
to go quickly
rather than slowly.
:
Back in Resolute I
was glad I'd had the
talk from Ranulph.
But not so glad that I'd had
a skiing lesson from Clarkson.
What?
You're not very good.
That's because you taught
me the wrong kind of skiing.
This is a cross country.
You did downhill.
You might as well have
taught me to play the banjo.
:
And as
zero hour approached
I was also struggling
to bond with the dogs.
Oh you're trying to pull there.
:
My dear
Clarkson wasn't
doing much better
with his snow driving practise.
And James was rubbish
with a shotgun.
Whoa!
:
Zero hour.
And even though our
talent was small
and the dangers ahead
were plainly immense,
we were looking
forward to the off.
Well, two of us were.
Look at the awful
expanse of misery.
-Are you cold?
-No.
-Are we falling through the ice?
-Not yet.
Well cheer up.
How far have we gone?
-We haven't set off yet.
-Quite.
Who do you think this is
going to win this race?
I think we're all going to die.
Let's go to the pole.
I can't believe it.
I'm going to the
pole with a dog team.
Whoa hang on.
Hang on, stop.
Stop.
What?
Oh and they're stuck.
They're stuck.
I forgot my gloves.
Give me strength.
I knew he was going to
be bad on this trip.
I didn't know he'd be this bad.
Hurry up!
:
So here
we are, going further north than
any car had ever been before.
Riding on a thin crust of ice
over an ocean 1,500 feet deep.
Just us, a film crew,
two Icelandic mechanics,
and a soldier.
An insignificant nine man blot
in the pristine white vastness.
This is only the third time
I've had skis on my feet.
It's really hard.
I know lots of people
ski these days,
but I grew up in Birmingham.
:
The car had disappeared
into the distance,
but Matty told me
the hare would be unstuck
by ice that was too thick,
or drowned by ice
that was too thin.
And that the tortoise
would then take the lead.
i wasn't so sure.
Oh hell.
:
With things going
so well for us, I
tried to get James
to buy in to our expedition.
I admire Hammond for
doing what he's doing.
I admire all arctic explorers.
But I think the time has now
come for the world to say,
let's see how easily we can
get to the top of Everest.
Let's see how easily we
can get to the North Pole.
What if we could forge a career
as the world's worst explorers?
:
Surprisingly James
was ahead of me on that one.
What would really make it
nice is a gin and tonic.
Would you like one?
-What?
A gin and tonic.
Yes, I'd like a gin and tonic.
Can't have a gin and
tonic because we're
in the Arctic Ocean.
I'll make you one.
What?
You've got gin!
-I have.
And because we're in
international waters
there's no drunk driving laws.
Exactly.
Have you got the ice?
That's a stupid
question, isn't it?
Will you just slow down
while I slice the lemon
for the gin and tonic?
Now this is arctic exploration.
Please do not write to us about
drinking and driving because I
am not driving, I am sailing.
Cheers!
:
Our target was five to six miles
an hour, but on the first day we
hadn't done anything like that.
Been on the go 10 hours.
We've done 36 miles.
Not good.
Not good news.
The problem is, we're
standing on sea ice.
That means it's got salt in
it, it's incredibly grippy.
The sleds can hardly move.
I've been skiing for about nine
and a half hours of those 10.
I'm broken.
:
With us of course,
things were more civilised.
As you know, what
I'm trying to do
with this mission
is prove that Arctic
exploration needn't be tough.
Which brings me
onto the delicate
question of number two's.
You see, what a traditional
polar explorer would do
is simply go out there and
squat down, like an animal.
What I've done though
is fitted this bumper
dumper into the
tow bar attachment,
and now I'm going to try it out.
Oh that's nippy.
:
James
meanwhile was on guard duty.
James are you showing
off, or are you actually
looking for bears over there?
Because I can't run.
How many poos a day do
these dogs need to have?
I say two.
It's 10.
It's 10 each, at least.
:
Sometimes I'd look forward
to the sledge bogging down, so I
could get out of the poo stream
and run alongside.
:
Meanwhile, James
was breaking out the elevenses.
-Chocolate bars.
-What kind?
Have a bit.
And we should say, if
you're watching this,
this is not just gluttony.
We genuinely have
been told by experts
that if you are trekking
across the Arctic
you need 5,000 calories a day.
So we're only too happy
to shove that much in.
I'm not certain that when they
told us that we needed 5,000
calories a day that we
would be in a slightly
warm car, sitting down.
But just to be safe.
:
After our morning snack,
James found my Jesus.
-Why have you brought Jesus?
-What?
Why have you brought Jesus?
The Jesus, I thought,
could sit in the car
and guide us in our hours
of need, if we ever had one.
Is it a Jesus action figure?
It is.
There's a map on the
back here, to guide us.
Of Galilee.
:
I was now back on the skis
and starting to
get the hang of it.
Today Richard you've got to
learn how to pee on the move.
Pee on the move?
Yes.
I'm not hurt.
:
We meanwhile
had reached the vast,
uninhabited wilderness
of Bathurst Island
and were going,
if anything, even faster.
Our lead over Hammond kept
getting bigger and bigger.
: I
was now over 50 miles behind.
But Matty had come
up with a plan.
We know we haven't
got the edge on speed,
so we need to use tactics.
This is what we're going to do.
It's now about 8 o'clock at
night, and we've run all day.
We've made brilliant progress.
We're going to put
these guys to bed,
hence we've chained them all up.
They're going to have a sleep.
But they're only going to
do so for about three hours.
Then we'll get up again and
then we can run at night.
It's cooler for the dogs.
They prefer it.
And they love the colder
temperatures because they
can run faster and harder.
:
And so in the early hours
of the morning,
when the temperature
had dropped to minus 35,
we roused the dogs and ran.
Then suddenly.
Well I think they caught our
scent earlier on in the day,
followed our tracks, but whether
or not it's just hanging around
and it's picked up the scent
now as it comes downwind.
: As
I was pinned down by the bear,
team G and T were
getting underway.
Clarkson!
I know it's you, you
insufferable oaf.
I'm on the bloody throne.
:
We ate up the miles
and discussed how we'd
celebrate when we make the pole.
So of all the things
you could have brought,
champagne, whatever it might be,
you've brought a tin of Spam.
Yes.
: And
then we too encountered a bear.
Oh it's got babies!
Sweet!
:
Not being Attenborough,
I couldn't think of
anything else to say.
So we set off, and with a
bit of divine guidance--
I am the vine, you
are the branches.
If a man remains in me, and I
in him, he will bear much fruit.
:
We made it, uneaten,
to the other side of the island.
:
I've
been running all day, all
night, and now it's day or night
and I've got to sleep.
I'm confused.
My body clock's broken.
:
Our progress
was so good I decided
to find out what Hammond
was making such a fuss about.
Round, round get
around, I get around.
Guys, can you bring
a car to tow us out?
First time at the wheel,
James has managed to put
it basically into the sea.
That is sea water.
If this car goes
through, it's game over.
:
The truck was sinking.
But luckily the Icelandic's had
another trick up their sleeve.
A bungee rope.
The tow car would set off at
a huge speed, building energy
in the elasticated
rope, which would
then who are stricken
car gently, but firmly,
out of the slush.
OK are you ready?
It was brilliant!
Thank God for that.
:
We were free,
but for the first time James
and I had real problems.
We'd been warned
before we start off
that constant tidal
movement weakens the ice
where it meets the shore.
They told us not to
drive near the coasts.
But how do you avoid them
when you're in a fjord?
Look how narrow it is here.
It can't be more
than a mile, if that.
They say don't go
near the coasts.
But we can't not.
We can't not go
near the coasts.
: To
make things worse, the ice here
was perilously thin.
This is just, it's
just-- look at it, it's
literally covered in cracks.
We're facing a problem.
There is no other
way through here.
I mean that's a cliff, that's
a sheer cliff that way.
We cannot go on the land.
If we go back to the
only way we can go
is all the way back to
Resolute and just giving up.
:
Based on no knowledge at all,
we decided to push on in
our three tonne truck.
It's blue.
I know.
We're looking at the ocean.
I know.
:
If we went through the ice,
our only chance at escape
would be to smash the glass.
See I don't like
the look of that.
I don't either.
This is scary.
:
As it dawned on us,
the nearest hospital
was 1,500 miles away.
And the nearest
rescue helicopter
even further than that.
We began to understand the
danger of where we were,
and what we were doing.
If we go in here
we're dead, aren't we?
Yep.
I mean dead.
:
It went on like this for mile
after mile.
We just drove over here and the
whole thing has just collapsed.
It's just-- that's nothing.
Look.
:
Over at team dog,
we were covering good ground
with the night time running.
But I was getting knackered.
It's weird the way being
very tired affects you.
Today, privately whilst being
towed along by the sledge,
I had a little weep.
I haven't done that for years.
And out here the tears cause
moisture in your ski goggles,
and it froze on the inside.
So I couldn't see.
So then I had
something to cry about.
:
After just two
hours sleep though, the
dogs were raring to go.
Out, come out this way.
Out.
Get out.
Don't touch him, he's scared.
He'll bite anybody.
:
Today
it would be killer getting
over the mountains on Bathurst.
And Matty's never-ending
bonhomie was starting to grate.
Nothing like a couple hours of
sleep to bring your morale up.
Up, up, up, up, OK!
Oh, oh what are you doing?
Oh.
:
I knew
we were in for a tough day,
and was impatient to get going.
Very unfunny.
Idiot.
My iPod has stopped working.
My little camera doesn't work.
My radio transmitter for my
microphone outside the car
doesn't work.
Everything is being
ruined by the cold,
and yet the car, everything
on it, is still working fine.
It is remarkable.
:
Which was good,
because soon it came
face to face with this.
This is what we'd
been warned about.
A massive boulder field full
of smashed up blocks of ice,
some the size of houses.
How in the hell did
nature come up with that?
This is the absolute
definition of the chaos theory.
:
However,
as we were 90 miles
ahead of Hammond
and we had no idea about
the horrors that lay ahead,
we entered in good spirits.
-Look at it!
Look at that.
It's almost Star Trek.
It's one of those scenes--
you know in Star Trek, when
they land on a hostile planet?
And that's some other sun.
Yeah, it's that.
:
The boulder field immediately
started to bog us down.
We couldn't drive
over the ice blocks.
That is impassable.
:
And between them
were snow drifts 15 feet deep.
Each time we spin the wheels,
we sink a little bit more.
It's very hard work.
And very cold.
: The
boulder field was also a maze.
We'd spent hours
picking a route.
-That way.
-What?
That way.
: And
then it's a complete dead end.
There has to be another
way through here.
Down there.
:
Then it got even worse.
This is a lump of solid ice.
And there's another one
at the back of the car,
and it's just sunk
in between them.
It isn't as though
there's any help
either, because the
other two cars are,
well I can just see one.
The other one's miles away.
And they're both
stuck as well, so we
have to get this out somehow.
And with each passing minute,
Hammond's getting closer.
No James, it won't do it.
Well that's ice as well.
:
It took us three hours
to chop ourselves free.
Try that.
This is just cripple this.
We've been in here nearly a day.
:
As we
got more and more
lost in the ice maze,
we lost all sense of
time and distance.
It's 4 o'clock in the morning
and it's just a nightmare.
We're just covering inches,
inches per hour, literally.
:
By the time
we pitched camp we'd been in
the boulder field for 20 hours,
and we were only one
mile nearer to the pole.
:
In the meantime,
we'd cleared Bathurst Island.
But the brutal pace was
starting to fray my temper.
Thanks.
Did you want to see if it fits?
I do need a new lead
dog, he's pretty--
You can try.
But there's nobody else here.
And I have a shovel.
I wouldn't.
At one point today
I had to count
the dog tracers
onto the caribiner
that holds them to the sled.
We untangled the leads
and put them back on.
There are 10, because
there's 10 dogs.
It took me three
attempts to count to 10.
:
After two hours kit,
we too, were
frazzled and starting
to understand why no one had
ever taken a car to the pole
before.
Oh no.
Right.
Look at that.
I know.
And that is on the horizon.
And that is still a lump of ice.
That means there's bad
ice right out there.
We're going to be
in here forever.
:
But we
had to get out, because we had
limited fuel, limited food,
and in here, absolutely
no chance of rescue.
My dream of a luxury trip
to the pole was in tatters.
My hands are freezing, James.
It's not going to work.
I'll just say, when I got down
to the bottom of that slope,
we were back where we were--
I know.
---two, an hour and a half ago.
You don't have to remind me.
:
In eight hours we went nowhere.
Can you turn the cameras off?
Yeah.
:
We, meanwhile,
were cruising up
the fjord, where
May had gone through the ice.
But we had no worries,
sort of, because Matty had
unleashed her secret weapon.
All right, Matty puts
it up and skis with it.
That saves weight and
motivates the dogs.
Yeah!
Now we're making progress!
Now we are making progress.
: After
two days of going nowhere,
Jeremy's patience had snapped.
Uh oh.
Oh my God, what is that?
I think that's the
auxiliary fuel tank.
I'll tell you something
else as well--
What, a whole fuel
tank has just dropped
off the bottom of the car?
-I'll tell you something else.
-What?
It smells remarkable like
it might not be leaking.
Oh Christ.
Hang on a minute.
James, James, James, the
prop shaft is gouged to hell,
and the fuel tank
is gauged to hell.
How much is in the
main tank at the moment?
If we're losing fuel, we've
got to get as much as possible
into the other tank.
:
The miles were tumbling.
:
We'd
managed to pump some of the
fuel into the good tank,
but then we hit another problem.
That's what the fuel tank
did to the shock absorber
when it came off.
So we've had to
replace that as well.
And we've now ended up with one
full tank, the standard tank
the car comes with.
The other one is empty.
Cross fingers, really.
:
The crash had
also ripped a tyre off the rim.
But luckily our
Icelandics had yet
another trick up their sleeves.
They filled the tyre
with lighter fuel, and--
Great success!
:
However we now had barely
enough fuel to get to the pole.
We were still stuck.
And then came a
call from team dog.
In the two days that we'd been
trapped, he'd closed us down
and was now in the
boulder field as well.
Get out of there!
: The
news caused a bit of a row.
Sometimes James you have
to move fast, and that was--
Sometimes Jeremy you
have to move slowly.
For example, going over
the soft snow, where
we've been told time
and again there are huge
lumps of immobile ice.
Which is exactly
what's caused that.
: We
wished we'd paid more attention
at the alpine training camp.
We wished we were fitter.
It really was
starting to get tough.
We felt certain that
Hammond was ahead,
but we had to stop
and put the tent up.
And it was a nightmare.
It was minus 42,
we were exhausted,
and Ranulph's prediction
about falling out
was starting to ring true.
Hang on, hang on.
-You ready?
-No.
Just it in.
Just please James.
I am so unspeakably
outraged with you.
Be quick for once!
You're not even doing
this intelligently.
You have to push it through
until it goes in the other end.
James, I'm dying here.
You cannot build
a tent by shouting.
I am dying.
Oh .
That, frankly, is
a pathetic effort.
:
The dogs were also fighting,
and Matty dispensed
swift discipline.
Get out!
Out!
Out!
I need to run them for a bit.
This is crazy.
:
They mean the world to her,
but they're not domestic pets.
They're pack animals,
and sometimes
she to remind them who's boss.
With order restored, they
blitzed the boulder field,
and soon we were clear.
:
Meanwhile, we
were beginning a third day
stuck in the same frozen hell.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
James, James, James.
What?
You're standing on
like an ice bridge.
Yeah, well what's
wrong with that?
You're going to cut
your arm off.
:
To try and speed things up
we've broken out a chainsaw to
cut away the bigger boulders,
and some snow ladders to
cross the deeper ravines.
That's just going to fall down.
It's not, because
I'll dig it in.
OK.
James?
Oh .
All right, put the
hammer down, Matty.
We are in a race.
We need to make good
speed on the flat.
We've got to.
Two days, two and a half days.
Our average speed is
less than a mile an hour.
I have--
Oh!
Ow.
Do you know what
I was about to say?
Do you know what I
was about to say?
No.
I was about to say, I think
we're coming to the end
of the boulder field.
Look about.
What can you not see?
Do you think we have
actually got to the edge?
That's very flat over there.
-That means we're out.
-We've made it!
It's flat!
It's so smooth and no
more going up and down.
: It
had taken three days of almost
nonstop driving, but
this incredible machine
had breached what
the experts said
would be an impregnable wall.
It had taken on the
impossible, and it had won.
75 miles to the pole.
I know.
I'm going to celebrate
with a tin of Spam.
What if I ate your Spam?
You're not eating my
Spam unless you want
to go home to your
wide and children
with a hatchet
buried in your head.
:
We knew
that with just 75
miles to go on flat ice
we could easily
overhaul Hammond.
So we decided to treat
ourselves to a spot of tenting.
I am never, ever, ever, ever
going to complain ever again
about the quality of a hotel.
As long as I get to a hotel and
I don't have to actually build
it, oh, you want a room sir?
Certainly.
Here's some bricks and
mortar and lavatory seats
and woods and nails, a hammer,
some carpets, some glass.
-What?
-Seat the pole.
:
We too
knew that the car would reel
us in, so we kept on going.
:
After 90 minutes
sleep we pulled down
the tent for what
would be the last time.
This is what I have to
put up with at night.
Sleeping next to
a six foot sinus
that then wees in a bottle and
leaves it for me to clear up.
: A
spot of revenge was in order.
Result.
:
There
was another result as well.
We figured out that we must have
retaken the lead from team dog.
As they struggled on,
we tried to rekindle
some of the fun
that seemed to have
gone missing from our journey.
I spy with my little eye
something that begins with S.
Snow?
Yes.
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with S.
-Sky?
-Yes.
I spy with my little eye--
If it begins with S
I'm going to kill you.
:
But then amazingly we
spotted something
beginning with P.
Is that a DC-3?
It is.
Or a C-47, strictly.
What, because it's
the military one?
Exactly.
Can you imagine
surviving that plan crash
and then finding yourself here?
That's a bad deal.
:
We'd run for 15 hours straight.
But even so, I knew
we were going to lose.
Um.
You know, we are now the most
northern people in the world.
Apart from Michael
Parkinson, obviously.
: With
the pole just 10 miles away,
it really did look
like we'd win the race,
and be the first people
ever to drive there.
But then--
Let's commiserate.
:
It couldn't
be more than a few miles deep,
but it didn't need to be.
Because if Hammond was
anywhere near, we were history.
Which way?
:
It took
us three hours to do a mile.
-Hold it!
:
And then the car beached
itself on a block of ice.
We were desperate.
Put the hammer down, Matty.
Let's make this count.
Try that.
:
Even though we were on fumes,
I through caution to the
wind and went for it.
We will not be beaten by a dog.
:
At last, we were clear.
We're going to do it
James, we're going to do it.
:
All we had to do now
was match the known bearings
of the pole with the readouts
on our sat-nav.
Left, left, left.
Left.
Where are you?
I expected a sort of
shining beam of light
coming out of the earth's core.
I go in this direction?
-Right.
Ready for it?
Ready?
Are you ready?
Ready?
Yes!
Huzzah!
It's here!
It's here!
Hammond!
Oh.
Matty, I'm off.
Where are you?
Hammond.
Yes?
We're at the North Pole.
-You've done it?
-We've done it.
We're here.
The truck got there?
Yeah the truck is got here.
It didn't fall through the ice.
I presume you're
not very far away.
No, no.
Listen-- oh no, wait.
Sorry mate, James,
James wants a word.
Hang on then.
-Hammond?
Yes man.
May.
Bad luck.
That was it, really.
Oh.
It can't be far.
:
As James tucked
into his ruined Spam, we
thought a little bit about what
we'd actually achieved.
I'd set out to prove that polar
exploration could be easy.
But it isn't.
It's brutal and savage.
The fact is though that two
middle aged men, deeply unfit
and mostly drunk, had made it.
Thanks entirely to
the incredible machine
that took us there.
They'd said we'd never get to
the pole because of the damage
the car has already
done to the ice cap.
Perhaps then that's what
we've proved most of all.
Really.
The inconvenient truth is,
it doesn't appear to have
even scratched the surface.