Top Gear (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Episode #9.5 - full transcript

And the Cool Wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our reasonably priced car.

Hello, hello and welcome.

Thank you, thank you, now.

Now, back in the summer,

we were literally inundated with a letter from a railway company

who asked us to do a feature on the show

about the dangerous of level crossings.

Yeah. Now even though we don't make

Health and Safety public information films,

I though I could pull it off until he bursted into the office

and announced that he wanted to do it.



Yes, I will practise some serious voice and this is what I came up with.

It's a commonly held believe that younger drivers are the ones

who cause more Britain's car accidents.

terring about on drugs with their hats on back to front.

But the truth is that

eldly people are 3 times more likely

to have a crash than their grandchildren.

Think about it.

When was the last time you heard of a young person

driving the wrong way down a motorway.

Never.

It's always an old person in their 80s

And how often do you heard about a teenager plying their car into the sea.

Again, never.



It's always an old lady in a Fiesta.

Chaos of OAP trip on M25 at 8mph

Pensioner drivers into 7 cars

But now it seems Briton's old people have found

a new way to get their kicks.

Terrifyingly, they are jumping the lights of level crossings.

Look at this idiot caught on CCTV

larking about in his Reliant Robin.

He was lucky not to kill someone.

We examine the footage more carefully,

we see the really worrying thing.

He wasn't even wearing a high visibility jacket.

The trouble is that people have seen their grandparents

driving through the redlights

with no safety clothing at all,

and think it's OK for them to do it as well.

The figures make for a poorly reading.

There are 1600 level crossings in Britain

and according to British rail or whatever they're called these days,

many people are injured on them very year.

You might think it's fun to jump the red lights.

You might think it will save you a few minutes.

You might think it's OK because your granddads alway doing it

or because you've got a Renault Espace

which has a 5-star Euro NCAP safety rating.

But it's not alright.

Coz I shall now prove with a gratuity shot of a train

smashing into Espace at very high speed.

(radio)

Warning, Do not trespass on the Railway. Penalty 1000 pounds.

That's quick.

You drove like that on a public road,

you deserve to be called a maniac.

That's tossed!

That's bad!

I'd quite like to see that again,

in slow motion.

And even slower.

So that is how far the train went from what, 70, 80 miles an hour.

The message then is clear.

Unless you want that to happen to you,

Alway wear this.

Thank you.

Think! Always wear a high visibility jacket.

- See? idiot.
- What?

Well, just what in the name of god was that?

All they wanted you to do was to say

"Don't run the red lights at level crossings."

Yes, that.

And what sort of imbecile watches a train crashing into a car

and then jumps up and down shouting "That's tossed"

Unlike I've decided making public information films

I'm gonna do on speeding.

No, really I'm.

Honestly, I'm gonna set you and May on fire, right?

May gets on the motorcycle goes really fast to see if he can put himself out,

you stand still

Just no. This is a bad idea, alright?

Then I've got a skyscraper... Anyway, listen, I'll flesh it out later,

coz now we gotta do the news.

Yes, and we begin with the Maserati coupe,

which is a car we've never been entirely sure about.

Mainly because we don't think it's that good looking.

However, there is a new one.

It's called the new Maserati Granturismo

I have a picture of it and it's a thing of beauty, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah.
- Gorgeous.

Hey, you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas

is coming into the studio as a guest today.

- How?
- He is wearing a suit. Look at him.

It's... All my jeans are in the wash.

Oh, really!

All of a sudden, 92 programs we've done, you've been in jeans.

Now today when Kristin's coming in,

They're all mucky!

I thought he was going for a job interview.

He's got that. Exactly the way. It's exactly how he looks.

This Maserati...

- He's had his hair cut as well.
- Yes, haha!

- He has! You have!
- I've had my hair cut because it was too long.

- Last week...
- Were you combing it frantically before...

Shut up! What did you say?

I was going to say last week I have mine cut

and you said having your hair cut on a studio day was GAY!

- Did you
- I said you should spend more than 4 pounds on a hair cut, James.

That's what I actually said.

- So why didn't you?
- Will you shut up!

- Anyway, the M..
- This Maserati, what it got under the bonnet is a 4.2 V8

Same as the old one.

Yep. 405 bhp, automatic gearbox, it's gonna be 73,000 pounds.

I'm besotted with it.

Right. I think it looks absolutely stunning.

I mean if you're thinking of buying an Aston DB9 or a V8,

now, that's the alternative.

It's a good looking thing but there's an alternative to the alternative

It's got a sister car. Let's have a look at that.

The Alfa Romeo 8C

Come on, say it. You've been practising all week. Here we go.

Competizione.

Yeah! Bravo.

That's a legal word.

Sounds like I'm a /. But it's related.

It's got a 4.7L V8, so the engine is slightly bigger.

It's related underneath,

but it's got this beautiful carbon fibre body over the top.

The only thing is, as an alternative,

there's a problem. They're only making 500 and they're all sold.

But I think that's better looking actually.

- Nah.
- No. Maserati is better.

Put Maserati back up. There you are. It's better.

- I think the Alfa is better looking.
- No, I'd have that.

Oh why don't you ask Kristin which she prefers?

I will. It will be nice to talk to somebody intelligent.

Now, news this week, the most unsensible car I've ever heard of .

Volkswagen Passat. Here it is.

It's all 36 got v6 engine four wheel drive body hugging

sports seats, low profile tyres, whole nine yards

the thing is though

If you want a sport saloon,

the last 2 words that pop into you head after say Mister and Kipling

are Volkswagon and Passat.

It just doesn't make any sense.

No, it's like saying would you like some more fruit cake, vicar?

It's got cocaine in it.

Ludicrous.

Now, hey. On the way down here this morning,

I saw something so amazing that

I took a photograph of it. Here it is.

I wanna stress I wasn't driving.

Er, obviously I was taking pictures, I was in the...

You were sitting on the drivers lap, brother, look at it.

I was doing that. The thing is though, it's a Peugeot 1007.

- They sold one!
- Somebody's bought one!

Somebody went into a shop and said

"I'd like a small car but can you make it really really heavy

with really complicated doors. And I'd like to pay money for that."

Yes. I want to go for 0-60 in 18 sec.

That's how slow it is.

Why are you in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

The day that Kristin Scott Thomas is in ...

you suddenly decide that you need to test a Phantom again.

Parked it just out side, have you by any chance?

It's out there, yeah.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- where can be seen?
- Yeah.

I was just thought it would...

Do you seriously think she is gonna be impressed

by some yellow-tooth fat old man with

toothful hair getting out of somebody else's Rolls-Royce.

At least he's had his pubes cut.

It's pathetic.

We have the results of a Top Gear survey. This is where you tell us

what it's like to own various cars.

56,000 of you responded. I'm very grateful to you all.

And I'm delighted to say that the car that... the most satisfying car that you can own

according to the people who actually own it, I just test drived it is

Car of champion for years

the Honda S2000 again.

No no no.

And what do you say is the best small sports car?

BMW Z4

Which came 62nd.

And you, Porsche Boxster as I recall. You said that's better than a Honda.

That was 43rd.

- Oh, dear.
- Speaking of which,

How are the electrical windows in your Porsche Boxster?

- Fine.
- Still broken?

No, they work.

I'm not always in it when they work.

He's very often in bed when they work.

Well, maybe. But my other car

the Fiat Panda, I think I'm right in saying

What's funny about this?

No, you couldn't be more right. He does have a Fiat Panda.

And you're right, James.

It was in the top 10, with all the Skodas.

What people say here is that it was better

than they thought it was going to be.

It's like which I was buying a ton of manure,

it doesn't smell that bad, actually.

To be honest, I'm quite surprised by it.

Coz it's fun to drive, it's well made,

it's economical, it looks good.

It says all of that in the magazine bumf but it also says

that people claimed it was predictably slow

- Which it is...
- It is, why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen

what happened when we all met up the other day to go on a shoot,

met at the hotel we had to go to a location,

you turned up in your panda.

I had an Aston that day and you had a 911.

Well, alright. But in fairness, I had only picked it up that morning

and it only had 8 miles on the clock.

and I didn't know what all the knobes and things did yet.

What do you mean knobes- there's only two knobes in it,

well three if you count the one who bought it.

It's a simple car.

Anyway, I said "look, I haven't got a map. Can I just follow you?"

And they said "Yes, yes. Of course you can. Come on off we go."

And they went off at 120 miles an hour.

You should have bought a faster car then you could've kept up.

You used it as an excuse last night to fondle my lap.

- You did.
- Rubbish. I'll tell you.

He said "I'll give you a lift to the pub and.."

We got into a Fiat Panda and he kept saying "Stop touching me."

You can not touch someone!

It's like sharing a bath with somebody. You've got...

He's got "get on the back of my horse but don't touch me."

He exploited the diminitive size of my panda

to sit there going "Oh, I'm terribly sorry."

Can I just get back to this list, OK?

I want to give you the bottom 6.

The 6 least reliable cars that you can buy.

See if you can spot a trend here.

Err...six from last, Peugeot 407, Citroen C8, Renault m??gane,

Peugeot 307, Renault Espace, Peugeot 807

They are all French.

I know. French got better things to do than go on making cars.

It's what it basically was.

- Pardon?
- What?

Oh for instance, France is a lovely country.

- Oh, come on.
- Hang on, hong on. Where does Kristin Scott Thomas live?

Paris.

That might have something to do with

your sudden spirited defense of France.

No. Coz I've always liked France.

- It is pathetic.
- I don't konw why you're laughing.

You'd be exactly the same if Graham Norton is coming on.

You won't? Anyway, that's the end of the news.

Now, as you probably know,

these days it's possible to make petrol from crops.

and this gives us an idea.

Why don't we give it a bash. I mean, how hard can it be?

Well, one problem is that you would need to use tractors.

And tractors is something that we know absolutely nothing about.

So, the production office said "go on the internet, do some research,"

"and then turn up at our test track with whichever tractor

you think would be best for the job of growing petrol."

Right, gentlemen, this is what I've come up with.

That's the Fendt 930 Vario.

It's 120,000 pounds.

This is the Mercedes S class of agricultural vehicles.

This's got every single toy imaginable.

Well the best of all is it's got this computer, OK.

And it will maintain it at a constant speed of 0.06 of 1 mile an hour

This is the fastest he's ever been.

Jeremy's choice turned up next.

- There it is
- Jeremy, that's a digger.

No, it isn't.

That's a JCB Fasttrac something or rather

and this is the tractor that the army use.

Oh, the army. Well known of course all over the world as farmers.

Just honestly, this, OK? It has...

It has what?

It has an 8.3L turbo charged engine. Unlike any other tractor,

I think, top speed is unlimited.

No, please, listen, seriously, if we're gonna

make good quality petrol from our crop

- Yeah?
- We wanna get the ploughing done well, not quickly, OK?

Which is why I have bought this!

That's a bloody tank, you idiot.

It... It didn't look that big on my computer, to be honest.

It's a Case STX Steiger.

That's got a 16L turbo charged engine

It weighs 24 tons.

- It's just...
- How much is it?

224,756 pounds

What's its top speed?

Err,

- 20

- 20
- 20

- 41

So this is therefore a faster plougher.

You can't plough at 41 miles an hour though.

Well, how fast do you plough?

I don't know.

Our ignorance about farming was a little embarrassing,

so we dived into the first challenge.

- Ready?
- It's the big moment.

Farming has a very high suicide rates,

which can be attributed to stress.

The last thing you need therefore is a tractor that's confusing to operate.

So to test user-friendliness, you must hitch up a trailer,

get in, adjust the seat, turn on the lights,

and then reverse your rig through our car park.

Wohoo...

Quite big, some of these things.

It's a tight car park there.

And unfortunately, it's always full of stuff.

On that days for example,

there was a very expensive modified Range Rover Sport,

A prototype Astra with a new type diesel engine,

and all our cherished TV creations.

James went first and instantly regretted choosing the S Class.

Fifteen minutes, James, and utter silence.

I'm just making sure everything is right before I start...

Start it now, then.

It's very quiet. I say amazing modern tractors.

Eventually he did get it started.

And he had to find 1st gear

So that' something to do with my bo... it's not that...that's

It's now been 26 minutes.

Hang on. There is the windscreen wiper

Do you think he's found the gear lever?

It's taken him 34 minutes.

I've managed to adjust the steering wheel.

It can't be that difficult.

You'll notice, ladies and gentlemen, 1 hour has passed, the trailer's...

And the tractor is no near it

How did I do?

Don't hold out too many hopes.

Unbelievably, I have no trouble getting my JCB started and into gear.

It moves, it leaves.

- C'mon, a bit more, stop.
- Hitching the trailer was a doddle too.

Yes!

All I had to do now was reverse it.

This of course is a 4-wheel trailer.

Slightly harder to operate.

It's the opposite of the opposite of what you think.

- Wrong. - You're getting wronger.

How can you crash into your own trailer?

No. Oh, this is stupid.

The thing interesting about Jeremy I find

is he thinks problems can be solved by shouting.

This is just ridiculous! It can't be done!

He's getting further away.

I'm not a quitter, but I'm quitting.

Hammond being a country boy instantly bonded with the job in hand.

Here we go.

That's really annoying.

Yeah, you see?

I'm on the roll.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

I think I did clip it.

How many are these worthy?

None, since you did that.

How did you get...

Well, it weighs 24 tons, it's very big,

you can't see much when you looking backwards. And I was...

Frankly, we'd all made a hash of that challenge.

It was probably best to move on.

Right then, time for our next challenge.

- Yes.
- Thank you very much.

Here it is.

The slowest thing ever to lap our track was the late Richard Whitely.

He went a round in 2:06.

Can your tractors beat this?

- What, go slower than that?
- Yeah.

That's stupid.

Well what's the stop you just driving really slowly?

Ah, no. We won't be driving. The Stig will.

Oh, god.

So is it the slowest or the fastest?

It's the slowest. I've brought the fastest tractor down here.

This is excellent.

And with its top speed of 31,

the Stig could hardly have been less bothered

about the prospect of a lap in the Fendt.

Go!

That's good. That's good and useless. Get off the line.

That doesn't exactly spin its wheels.

And it's 1 min now, and he hasn't made it to Chicago.

2 mins 1, 2, 3, coming up to Whitely's time, 5, 6

And is it cross the...No

The Stig's performance also wasn't helped by the fact that

the James had adjusted the seat to its softest setting.

-Oh my God!
-I'll be running.

- Yes!
- What was it?

3:28

That's spectacularly slow.

Hopefully, my office block would beat, Err, not beat, I mean, that time.

Wheel spin! Wheel spin!

No, that's bad. I don't want wheel spin.

Abnormal quiet

- What can we...
- How do you commentate on a tractor lap?

- Go on the Hammerhead.
- If you notice that the Lamborghini tractor, they'll do

Hold on, sorry...

Sorry to interrupt, James, but will it understeer

going round the Hammerhead?

No. As I was saying,

You know what, we've been lucky with this

You know, I mean barely a cloud.

No,no, it's /. It's the gorgeous weather.

Why do things stay hot in the thermos flask

for less time than they stay in the cold?

- Well, it's interesting. Why...
- Don't go there. How does it keep being hot, in fact...

As we finished afternoon tea, the Stig roamed home

Come on, come on, yes!

4:49

In the speedy JCB GTI,

that time wouldn't be easy to... not be, not, wait, hang on...

Look at it, it's leaning.

Of course it's leaning, it's a very very powerful 8. something L engine.

In fact, the JCB GTI was so fast that even the Stig had trouble coping.

- Come on.
- No, slow is good, you fool.

The last corner, turning in...

Cross the line. Read it and weep.

2:57

- No, that's... Jeremy, the slowest wins.
- Rubbish.

Hopefully, there'd be no disagreement about the final challenge.

The most important characteristics for any tractor are fuel efficiency,

reliability and long service life.

So your next challenge is a dragrace.

Oh, god.

I've got this one completely sewn up.

No, no, no, you haven't. You misunderstood, it a drag-race.

We each have to look around the whole of the Top Gear site

and find something big and heavy to drag.

In the race, we get more points

for the bigger and heavier the thing is...

I hitched up Jeremy's 'Toyboata' Hilux,

the S class country cottage, my Triumph Herald sailing boat,

and, well, a few other things.

Nice try, but a bit wet.

Even the office's lack of wheels was no problem

for my metal mammoth's 1,600 torques.

Again, good effort.

But to my mind, still lacking ambition.

Right, I'll think low range.

Three Two One Go!

This is it

We're away in the most ridiculous dragrace in history...

James's cars are all over the place.

the convoy's shaking a bit, shaking a lot.

No quite as brightly as how I was hoping.

Come on, come on. it's a tractor.

I've now reached, after 25 sec, 1.3 miles an hour.

What do you think? That's what it spares, it's all over the place.

There's a big weave going on. Oh, I've lost one.

Wahl, come off my way. It's gonna be a disaster.

It's the finishing line.

Not the most elegant finishing in the world

but I believe I have beaten old merc Hammond.

Wake me up when we get there.

Now, emm. Obviously we will be picking that up later on

when we start actually growing petrol

But now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight is a Hollywood star

She is currently staring on the West End stage

and one of the great classic, she is the epitome of cool. She...

Wow, I wish your heart fluttering as you talk about it.

And your tongue goes really big in your mouth...

Will you two grow up?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Kristin Scott Thomas

How are you?

Very well.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

Well, that's it.

And my life is now complete.

So is it been the most horrible day of your life?

No no, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed driving fast and relatively dangerously.

Well it wasn't fast, coz it was only...

Well it was very fast for me.

- Was it?
- Yes.

Coz I'm very slow,

I usually drive with my nose on the windscreen and...

So you're over here at the moment obviously ... staring in a play

- Yes
- In the West End.

So does that mean you're living in London?

Um...Yeah, during the play. Yeah.

During the play. And so what are you driving around London, then?

A Gewiss

- Gewiss, the little electric.
- Yeah.

Nice car, I've always liked them.

I happen to know that's a lie.

No, no, no...It's all just a nonsense, people have misquoted me.

I'm thinking of getting one.

No, well you should, but I don't think you'd fit in it. That's the problem.

No, I would. I'd saw bits off. I...I'd get in.

Mine's got tiger stripes all over it, it's very attractive as well.

I like that idea, I'd...

- Now you live in Paris, most of the time.
- Yes.

How does that compare to London?

Um, traffic's worse.

Um, I like driving in Paris, I don't like driving in London very much.

It's very different in driving style.

- That you have to adjust...
- Well , Yeah.

I mean I've got 4 traffic offences in my first week in London.

What the Gewiss?

- Yes, a bit, yeah.
- No way.

Obviously not speeding.

- No, that would be difficult.
- No, that would be impossible.

You did once describe driving round the
Arc De Triomphe

as one of life's great adventures.

Oh, I love it.

It's fantastically frightening.

I did it once in a Ford GT, that was very tricky.

What's a Ford GT?

It's a...It's not a...not a particularly nice car.

It damages the enviroument quite badly, I don't really like it.

but there is a moment when you just get
to the Arc De Triomphe

and just think "Here we go!"

I love it, it's like ... It is great fun.

The thing is, the trick with the Arc De Triomphe

is you just have to not look where who's coming at you

Just look where you're going and have a really badly beaten-up car.

Yeah, no, never try in a nice car, coz...

Always a worse car you lay your hands on.

coz then everyone would avoid you.

And this is one of the reasons

why I've sort of got you as the Cool Wall Muse

if you see what I mean, because you do your struggle in Europe.

in Paris, in Europe, to me,

it's just so much cooler than Los Angeles and even New York.

But do you mind awfully if I just run a few cars past you?

- Yeah.
- Establish their coolness.

This, OK? Obviously this is very cool.

- Yes
- Gewiss

- What?
- That's mine, I haven't got my specs(spectacles) on though.

I'm sorry mate, you discribed it as a "wart" last year.

- No.
- It is beautiful. It is beautiful.

The only problem that you might find is getting into it.

And at rainy night you have to choose.

Between windscreen wiper and lights

You see, that isn't in the brochure.

But I would just like to say that when I said it was a wart

I was thinking more in terms of Cindy Crawford's beauty spot.

But I love this car, I absolutely love this car.

It's absolutely brilliant for London.

- So it's very very very cool.
- Thank you very much. And that's very cool.

Now we've often said on the Cool Wall that we anticipate,

coz you live in Paris, that

small European cars like those, OK? Renaults and...

That's a little Citroen and that's a little Fiat.

They're cool, are we right?

Yes, I think the Renaults are, Yeah.

- Not what? Not the Fiat?
- Not that one.

- The little Renault Clio?
- That one's little bit dodgy at the back.

A bit what? dodgy?

- Don't like the back at sort of...
- Yeah now I agree.

Crap, absolutely crap, Fiat Puntos are rubbish,

somebody quitely go and move it down.

This is awful.

- And, we've also said this kind of thing, Red Bentley...
- I love that.

Show it to me.

How do you feel now?

I may have accidentaly said in the past

it was a Chelsea footballer's car that.

But it is!

But that's cool.

But it's fabulous.

4 years of your Cool Wall has just been destroyed.

I took a chainsaw to it last week, you're machineguning it. Right, Good.

Red Bentley will do.

4-Wheel-Drive cars.

I don't really like those.

Yes, I moved them all down last week.

I use to had one and I got rid of it.

Did you? which did you have?

I had a really nice one, it was a big Volvo...Um something.

XC90?

- I have no idea that. It was just...
- I've got one of those.

you know those really huge ones?

- Yeah.
- I liked it.

There are seven seats in it.

- Yes, that's right.
- That's what I've got.

Born in the same year.

Don't, thank you.

As Richard Hammond.

But...Got out of that one.

Just, right. Can I just say, Rolls-Royce?

Emm, I am sort of slightly ambivalent about Rolls-Royce.

Yeah, Richard Hammond came down in one this morning.

What? That is lying.

- Think you've made up a bit fool of yourself then mate.
- This is desperate.

I told you shouldn't have done.

Right now, most important, Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

- This is ... yeah.
- What?

It's pathetic, isn't it?

Yeah!

Anybody's got a knife?

Right ... so cancel that.

- What? order?
- Yes

So you've got one of these?

No.

I thought you'd have a Volvo, like a sensible person.

- A what?
- A Volvo.

No, the children go around in a Volvo.

Obviously because they're going to school in back.

I have to have something else, and I thought...that would be...rubbish.

And I ... I don't know what...

Now if I may, we'll move on, coz you're over here staring in the "Seagull"?

- In the "Seagull".
- Chekhov play.

Now, "Seagull" is not about a seagull.

No, do you want to know what's it about?

Well, I think, I might...can I just guess?

Does it see act 1, not much happens, and act 2 not much, then act 3...

Everything happens.

Well, it's in between the acts somebody goes off

and tries to shoot himself in the head and misses

It misses.

That's when everyone's in the bar and then he come back

he's got a bandage on his head.

- Now this is completely sold out
- Yeah

Can't get tickets and God knows I've tried.

Have you got a thing about Chekhov?

I just really like Chekhov...No, I haven't got a thing about Chekhov.

But I just find that...

I've only done two plays, am I boring you already?

"Jezza loves Kristin"

That's so sweet.

It's not, it's pathetic.

I'm touched.

Anybody wants a job presenting Top Gear

the address is BBC Wood Lane London W12 7TS

Now, we're going to find out obviously in a minute, how your lap was.

Do you wanna tell us how it went?

There was a bit of boggy moment, wasn't it?

Did you get off?

I went off and sank.

- Really?
- Yes.

And I saw an ambulance coming speeding towards me

Not to rescue me but just tow the car out of the...

Did you get it too fast or get lost?

No, I just sort of gave up steering.

Well, I tell you what, who'd like to see the lap?

I'm one.

Ok, let's play the tape.

Parisian start.

- En, looks good.
- I sing.

No this is smooth and perfect in everywhere,

I can't see anything wrong with that.

And into Chicago, and again, no, absolutely bang-on.

Hugh Grant did that

And that was my favourite part
break hard enough...Bloody hell.

And then watch this, I can see where you've been off there.

It's awfully muddy.

Now here, did you go fast..flat-out through here?

No I tried, but it's quite difficult.

No that't flat-out, I can hear the tires tortured screaming...Oh look at that.

- Oh that was me?
- I know.

Is this the fastest you've ever gone?

That's not very fast.

And now, here we are, across the line, perfect!

Now

Where do you think you might have come?

- Where do you...?
- Probably Brian...

What down here? What? Brian Cox?

I don't know, I have no idea, I have no idea of what time it was...

You did it in 1:54

- There.
-Thank you.

Now

Faster than Philip Glenister, faster than Rick Wakeman

faster than Brian Cox and much faster than Jimmy Carr.

I have to say I thought that you were better at that

than I would be in a Chekhov play.

That's...Yes, that'll be.

It's been an absolute pleasure having you here

as I'm sure you're gonna appreciate.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kristin Scott Thomas.

Now, this is a super car.

It's built primarily to be fast.

But above super cars there is another level.

Hyper cars.

And those are mostly about showing off.

Which is what you were doing in that interview.

- A bit.
- You have let the program down, you let yourself down.

- Sorry mate. We're just...
- Embarrassment. Anyway

He does have a point, OK?

Super cars are designed to mess with G Forces,

Hyper cars are designed to mess with G Strings.

And king of the hyper car makers has always been Lamborghini.

Yeah. So cars like the Diablo, the Countach,

they were brilliant cars to look at.

They all made you feel like you're 10 years old.

But the fact is they were always horrid to drive.

No, they were. They were designed for Rod Stewart, not Jackie Stewart.

So, you're probably expecting more of the same from the latest product.

The Murcielago LP640

Here it is. And of course it's very dramatic.

It's also very large and it turns a great many heads as you drive along.

Plus, it makes a lot of noise.

But if you actually look at it, it's not that outlandish.

It was actually styled by a Belgium.

Same chap who did the Audi A2

and there are no big spoilors spreading out of it.

There're no rotating knives. There aren't even any machine guns.

The vents only open when the engine gets really hot

the rest of the time they are hiden away.

There is a gaint oil cooling aperture on one side of the car.

But instead of fitting a fake on the other, they haven't botherd.

There is no style for style sake here.

And look at the exhaust pipe.

It's the same width as the channel tunnel.

But there is only one.

Not 17 like you get in most hyper cars.

You even get a device that raises the nose for going over speed humps.

This is all fine. But what is the point of a Lamborgini

that doesn't have space thruster sticking out of the side?

Of course, you still get scissor doors

and when you step inside you find

the steering wheel isn't quite in front of where you're sitting.

But there is room for your head. And you can see out.

Can even see behind!

Then when you're driving along normally, it feels very civilized.

I mean obviously it's not a Honda Civic.

You can't turn left for example, coz the indicator stalk'll hit your knee.

And it does 8 miles to the gallon.

... or four.

But that's set you don't have to raise your voice to have a conversation.

It's got satellite navigation and it's got air-conditioning.

Which unlike the air-conditioning systems in Lambos of all

it isn't like being coughed on ... by a mouse.

This is all very worrying.

You see it's 8 years since Captain Sensibles of Audi took over Lamborghini.

And now they seems to be taking away its soul.

The only reason we ever liked Lamborghinis is because they were silly.

Taking that away is like taking away the sunshine from a Summer holiday.

You're left with ... nothing.

Except for one thing.

Audi have replaced the lunacy with something else.

They've increased the size of the V12 from 6.2 to 6.5 litres.

But what it delivers is simply staggering.

then you get 500 carbon dioxides

and 640 BHP

That's more than you get from a Porsche Carrera GT

or a Mclaren Mercedes SLR

it's more than you get from a Zonda.

The result is spectacular.

This is not a light car, but my God it's fast.

Properly, savagely fast.

0 to 60 takes 3 and a bit seconds.

The top speed is 200 and...

Tell you what, let's find out.

fastest anything's gone down here is about 190.

That's 200, we're quicker than anything ever.

Look at that. 207!

207 miles and hour!

Of course figures like these are sort of meaningless.

They're hard to get your head drown

So what I've done, is organized a demostration.

What we have here is a Golf GTI

And what we are going to do now is have a half mile drag race

To show the difference between a fast car and the Murcielago.

Ok now this has Formula 1 style launch control

What you do is hit the sport button...Murcielago

Turn the traction control off and then floor the throttle.

when the revs hit 4000 the clutch will bang in.

and we'll be off.

Here we go!

Wow...

coughed on.

Big Wow..

Now you might imagine that this sort of power doesn't come cheap.

and there is some evidence to support that if you look at the options list.

That little bit of carbon fibre there on the center console

4,000 pounds

Carbon breaks, 7,780 pounds.

If you want those break calipers, these things, you want those painting

That's 600 pounds.

Err.. transparent engine cover, you see that on the back.

4,000 pounds.

flappy paddle gearbox, 6,250.

You'd need a flappy paddle head to spend that.

All those are just...

But amazingly the actual car only costs 190,000 pounds.

That's about half of what you pay for a normal hyper car.

So, it's quite well priced.

It's hugely powerful.

and it's surprisingly elegant.

But do not, for one minute, be tricked into thinking

that the king of the hyper cars has become a super car.

In the twisty stuff it's still a card-carrying lunatic.

You take one liberty with it and trust me on this,

You are going down.

Here we go, into neutral, and we're going backwards.

So, it's still really a car for show off so not driving then.

It's kind of half way.

You see the thing is, if you're in a super car.

and you go out there and you reach the limit

you know, the limit of grip, and it'll start to slide.

and you can hold that slide coz you're on the air field it doesn't matter.

This, 4-wheel-drive, so you've got tons of grip.

tons and tons, and then when you get to the limit...

It's off.

It's a really dim witted 4-wheel-drive system somehow.

It's just, you cannot push it beyond the limit.

So you can't really drive it to the limit because...

Or anywhere near the limit.

The punishment then for just over doing it by 1 percent is certain death.

Absolutely, emm, happyly however.

We have a man on the team, who laughs in the face of death.

Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks.

And that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spear's head,

all we know is, he's called the Stig.

And he's off, now show off or not? This is still a fiercely quick car.

The question is, can it knock the Koenigsegg off the top of our lap board.

Seeming it doesn't bite Stig in the face on the way.

So going OK so far.

Radio: The love making was hesitant and tender.

He didn't hurt or frighten her she'd feared.

More romantic fiction dribble there as he powers round Chicago

keeping it very tidy, which he has to do

Coz you can't stick the tail out.

Here he comes into Hammerhead.

Yes look at that, he's absolutely keeping it on the raggedy edge.

Radio: But the most beautiful part of all was her smile.

Right let's see what the... what the Lambo can do now.

This is it, this is where it can unleash that fearsome fire power.

coming down into the tires here.

That is quick even moving the camera.

Two corners left.

Ok, chucks it in, right on the limit of grip now.

belt up to Gambon, turning in

Look at that, keeping the tail in check and across the line.

Where do you think he came?

- Fourth.
- Fourth?

Not fourth. Not fourth.

It came...mmm

there, look at there ladies and gentlemen

Second, fourth... sixth place!

1:19.8 the same as the Carrera GT.

The sixth fastest car...

That's a hyper car!

Now, from last year we decided to grow our own petrol.

and earlier on in the show,

you saw us testing 3 tractors to decide

which one would be best for the job.

And we couldn't decide, so we took all three.

Yes, we had the tractors and now it was time to start farming.

This is BBC Radio 4.

Now, it's Farming Today this week

Good morning. A new report...

This is the 25-acre field

where we'll be growing us first crop of Top Gear petrol.

We had just 1 day to get it sewn

and immediately, there was a problem.

Before we could start ploughing

this lot would have to be evicted.

So how do you clear sheep?

Call Fred Dibnah.

He is dead.

Not Dibnah is it? It's Fred Drabble

You mean Phil Drabble. He's dead as well.

So what shall we do?

Could use dynamite.

Eventually, the job was given to Hammond and Top Gear dog.

TG, run at them. Come on. TG, come on.

Who didn't seem to be in the mood.

TG, come. TG, come here.

This is just me doing it. This is stupid. TG, come...

Meanwhile, James and I set about the complexities of the day.

There, it's really very simple. Our rented field is 25 acres big.

It's a field where we currently filming one dog and its man.

TG, just round one up.

And we're gonna plant this, it's oilseed rape.

And when it's harvested, we should get 15 tons of rape seed oil.

Yeah, and what we are gonna do is rent a cycle-distilling machine, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- And anyone can do that.

And then we'll convert those 15 tons into 3,000 gallons of petrol.

And that's enough to get my Ford GT to the shops and back.

Absolutely.

And it's also enough to drive a typical family car what, 90,000 miles?

No, just go the other way! That way!

- Hammond.
- Hurry up.

- That's a useless dog.
- He is useless.

Not one.

Eventually the sheep were cleared by a proper dog.

So we could get going with our tractors.

But that gave us another problem.

Guys, is this the only way into the field?

It was.

And it wasn't exactly the work of Brunel.

Nevertheless, James crept over slowly and carefully in his Fendt.

And then I went over in my sports tractor.

Floor it.

So fast that I broke it. This seemed to annoy Hammond.

This weighs 24 tons.

You've broken it with half of that.

I will see if... Wait a moment. Would you just grab that...

Then we made things worse.

Avoid that there.

Who chose this field?

We spent ages trying to help him.

Got it.

Oh, forget it, May. It at least weighs half a ton.

- I can't even lift it at this end.
- Is it oak?

Can you just go to this side and avoid that bit.

Of course May, yeah. I'll go on one side of the weak bridge.

Come on.

If he falls in, I'm going to die laughing.

To avoid the broken slipper, I had to go right over the edge.

I can't see anything. I've no idea what it's doing.

Straight for a bit.

OK. Straight comes, come forwards.

Don't, stop, stop.

Piece of cake.

Now, we were in the field.

Our first job was to plough it.

And Hammond had gone for some machinery from,

I think, Battlestar Galactica.

Have you seen the size of my plough.

Oh, yeah!

Not feel this is the right weather for ploughing.

Because our training at the track,

we had no trouble getting the ploughs hitched.

And then we got into our ploughing positions.

Right, we've divided the field up into 3 equal parts,

each of us gets two telegraph poles.

Yes, then we're gonna see who can do their ploughing the fastest.

No, we are gonna see who can do it the best.

And because we don't know anything about ploughing,

we've invited some ploughing judges who judge ploughing.

And they explain to James just what they've been looking for.

Every furrow, absolutely identical in every way

we're looking for all the trash to be buried,

we're looking for no dips and mounts.

A good seed bed for the next crop.

You sound like a Yorkshireman, are you?

I am a Yorkshireman, Yeah.

I used to live in Yorkshire, where about?

I'm Doncaster.

Jeremy Clarkson is from Doncaster.

He is from Doncaster.

In fact I know his mother very well.

- Do you? - I knew him. When he was in school.

So you like him?

I wouldn't say I like him...Well.

We were ready to plough.

Here we go.

3, 2, 1, go!

I'm ploughing.

Here we go!

Difflock one, difflock two,

Oil to plough.

This is gonna be the fastest piece of ploughing ever.

That's No.2 plough...

So I was struggling with my robot plough

James was trundling along like Worzel Gummidge.

and Jeremy was going like a bat with no sense of direction at all.

Oh, yeah, this is easy now.

The judges were not impressed.

March for straightness, 0 to 10, a half?

Still, at least I was doing better than James.

What's he doing?

May, You imbecile, you've got the entire earth

stuck to the back of your plough.

Meanwhile, Richard had finally set off in the starship and to plough.

But the moment he tried to turn around, disaster.

I've sheared a bolt. That's bad.

You've done nothing.

So, This is down to me.

The sports tractor is the only one who can do this job.

Seen the size of the bolts I've sheared?

You've sheared the bolts?

Oh...

Bolt one.

With James' tractor beached and Hammond's broken,

mine was the only one still running.

It's half past 1 in the afternoon,

and I frankly can't see us getting this done in a week.

If we were going to get our crop planted by the end of the day,

I was going to have to break out my ingenuity

and use a method of ploughing they certainly wouldn't think of on the archers...

Fire in the hole.

What?!

Good! Ploughing done.

With our farming back on schedule,

we could afford to have a spot of lunch.

and that sparked one of the great debates of the country side.

Never mind that. What's in the ploughman's

Cheese, it's always cheese.

- It's Cheddar.
- Yes. Still, no, could be Stilton.

No, you can't have... Oh, I can't stand ploughman's with ponsy cheese.

How could you have called Stilton ponsy.

They are the least ponsy cheese in the world.

Stale bread, hard Chadder, and a pickle of some sort, that's all they'd have

- Apple.
- Farm...

Only in season.

And the apple season coincides with the ploughing season you pillock.

Pickled onions, Branston Pickle, an apple

- Cheese, get all both sorts. I don't want to have a row with him.
- Chadder or Stilton...OK

- Lettuce.
- No, lettuce

Eventually we made a decision

and Hammond was nominated to go off and buy our lunch.

I haven't got a car, I can't.

You have to use your tractor.

Wait a minute. 14th's a bit of a sharp gear and it really goes!

With Hammond's 24-ton runabout bearing down on the nearest village,

James and I set about on our next job:

cultivating, breaking up the ploughed soil.

And this demanded some serious tractor customizing.

I don't like the look of that sky.

Not for cultivating.

Meanwhile in the local village, Hammond was blending in nicely.

Hello, it's a bit tight.

Oh, got alarms going off. Sorry, sorry.

James was as much use at cultivating as he had been at ploughing.

James, what're you doing?

I'm doing my pre-cultivating checks, thank you, Jethro.

I think this is the first thing we've ever filmed,

while I can do it and those two can't.

I've hit the telegraph pole.

James, I'm begging you now to just

drive the tractor into the field to do cultivating.

Mercy, James, mercy, just for one...

Right, two hydraulic tubes, top link attached.

Come on, come down. One side of the fence or the other.

Ploughman's lunch. Stilton or Chadder?

Stilton.

You see. James May you talking rubbish.

Ploughman's lunch is ... Oh that's a bus.

I sensed that the locals had had enough.

But before I left town, I had to fill up with fuel.

Back at the field, James finally joined me

and together we finished the cultivating.

Then we were ready to start planting the rape seed,

but since one bag would be enough to do the whole 25 acres,

only one of us could do it.

And annoyingly, James insisted it had to be him.

Bro, are we finished now?

Err, 1127 pounds.

And to add insult to poverty, when I got back,

my ploughman's was snubbed.

A crusty French loaf is what I asked for.

That's a French apple as well.

After lunch, is was time for the final job.

The seeding machine was incredibly complicated,

but James insisted that after 4 hours of pre-seeding checks

he was up to the job.

and we don't need that, because we got that. That's good.

- James, do you know what you're doing?
- Yes.

No, listen, stop.

Stop, please, listen.

You've got... Because slugs and pigeons are going to eat

half all the seeds you plant,

You've got to make sure that you plant 70, that's that many,

- 70 per square yard.
- Right.

This is it. The moment.

Our petrol is going to be planted.

Here we go. Seeding.

Oh, for god's sake. James.

Is that it?

He's done the whole bloody lot.

It's 25 acres, and they're in 25 square inches.

May, you're gonna die!

I'm gonna feed you into your own machine.

You were useless in farming words

He didn't understand seasons,

he didn't understand cheese.

And then all your seed fell on the fellow ground.

I knew you were an onanist.

Well, in fairness, they did make me go back

and do all that again all through the night

until my seed was evenly distributed in every furrow I can find.

And next year, we are going to harvest that

making it into delicious petrol.

Absolutely. And then we'll be green and rich.

But that's it for tonight.

Thank you very much for watching.

Next week, we make our own stretch limos which

well doesn't go that well.

But anyway, we'll see you then. Good night!