Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Boys Build a Caterham - full transcript

CLARKSON:
Tonight, is a Peugeot
faster than two men?

Has Lamborghini
gone mad again?

And can we build a whole car
in eight hours?

Hello and welcome.

And we start tonight
with people carriers.

We've always said they're for
people who've really
given up on life.

You know, it's born, married,
children, people carriers,
Stannah stair lift, dead.

Thing is, though,
there are now
some new people carriers

which have come along
that are supposed to be
sensible and fun to drive.

So Richard and James
have been out and about
to see what's what.

Yes, that's our task
for today,



to try and find a family car

that has some zest
and charisma to it.

A car that basically says,
"Dads, don't despair."

HAMMOND: Our first contender
is the brand-new Ford S-Max.

It's like
the Galaxy people carrier,
but with big alloy wheels

and three inches lopped off
the roofline.

So it's lower and sportier.

And you can get it
with the turbo-charged engine
from Ford Focus,

so it's faster.

And now here's James
with the next contender.

Yes, it's
the Mercedes B-Class.

Keen students of the alphabet
will probably have
worked out already

that this is one up
from the A-Class.

This car prides itself
on having
the maximum interior space



for the least exterior size.

And this is the B200 version,
with turbo power!

Oh, and that makes me feel
really good.

And finally, from Luton,
the Vauxhall Zafira VXR.

Blimey!

Now this has a 2-litre,
turbo-charged engine

putting out
237 brake horsepower,

and because of that,
it claims the title
of world's fastest MPV.

HAMMOND: So there we are.
They're all people carriers,

they're all turbo-charged,

and they all cost
between £20,000 and 23,000.

Time, then, to find a winner.

And, this being Top Gear,
we start with
the most important question,

which one's the fastest?

And for that, we need
an independent adjudicator,

someone who has no mortgage,
no nine-to-five job
and no children.

Three...two...one...go!

The B-Class
is the least powerful here,

with only 190 horsepower.

So, what does it look like
from here?

MAY: Slow.

HAMMOND: But, it's also
the smallest and the lightest.

Here he comes!

136.06.

Three...two...one...go!

-Wheel-spinning start!
-Very un-family.

At 220 brake horsepower,
it's the second most powerful.
But it's the biggest.

HAMMOND: Last corner,
here it comes! 136 to beat...

137.03. It's slower.

Finally, the hoodie.

Three...two...one...go!

-Wheel spin,
rev-limiter action.

Well, if this thing
isn't the fastest...

There's really a nice
old church over there.

HAMMOND: With 237 horsepower,
the VXR is the quickest
on paper,

but will it be able to
use all that power

or will it under-steer wildly,
like that Vectra last week.

136.44.

-Technically, that's second.
-Uh...

-Which means...
-The Mercedes has won.

...the Mercedes is fastest.

That's...
And the Ford's slowest?

HAMMOND: Now, most family cars
are boring to look at,

but these three have made
an effort to look lively.

However, the Zafira VXR tries
a bit too hard.

We like the chunky
18-inch alloys,

but the skirts and spoilers
are all a bit mid-life crisis.

As for the Mercedes...
Again, we approve
of the big AMG wheels,

but everything else
is a bit too dark and dull.

The S-Max, however,
is just right.

The interior is up to date,
and on the outside,
it's smooth and sleek.

Nice gills, too.

With that sorted, we took
the cars for a drive, starting
with Peter Stringfellow.

Ooh! Do you have to do that?

Well, it's the world's
fastest MPV.

What do you think?

Well, it does go quite well,
but it torque steers like a...

Yeah, especially it just sets
off in whichever way

the wheels wanna go
in any given moment.

And the lairyness wasn't
the only problem.

-You comfortable?
-Not really.

-Yeah...
-I think it's a bit jiggly.

HAMMOND: Next up,
the Mercedes B-Class.

It's got quite a lot of kit,
but I know what
you're gonna say.

It costs
a lot of money!

HAMMOND: What's the standard
for one of these?

MAY: It's 23 grand, actually.

But this one costs...

-31.

-31?
-There's a little button that
makes the mirrors fold.

It's here.
There's a little button there.

-Go on.
-145 quid.

I like the sunroof.
Kids would like that,
they'd love that.

Oh, listen,
you can hear the turbo.

Yeah, you can hear the turbo.

Oh, I love hearing a turbo.

HAMMOND: Finally,
the Ford S-Max.

-HAMMOND: Sounds good.
-MAY: It does sound good.

Give it a bootful.

You haven't got that
mad torque steer.

It's still got turbo on it,
but it hasn't got that...whoo.

Why it's a good compromise?
You can feel the bumps but...

You could say
it was informative
but not uncomfortable.

Absolutely.
If you were a bit of an idiot,
you could say that.

HAMMOND: The S-Max
just handled its power
much better than the VXR.

With the VXR, it's very...

It's a lot of fun,
it's the fastest,
it's got turbo,

the childish stuff is great
but, day to day, it's going to
drive you round the twist.

Whatever the differences,
the amazing thing was,

we'd spent a day driving
people carriers and we hadn't
lost the will to live.

Hey!

Now...

So we've established
in the film, then,
that they are fun to drive?

Yeah. All these three, yeah.

And that the Mercedes
is the fastest round a track.

It is.

But it's £31,000.00.

Which is very expensive.

And you only get
five seats in there.

Even if you've got two kids,
they'll want to bring friends.
You need seven seats.

Exactly. We can get rid
of that. Don't buy that.
Ford or Vauxhall, okay?

I've always quite
liked the Zafira,

because it's got this
brilliant seat arrangement
in the back, okay?

You don't have to lift
the seats in and out.

They just fold in the floor
and then you just sort of...

You just lift it out.
You lift it out, you fool!

-HAMMOND: Yeah, that's truck.

CLARKSON:
Has anybody got a Zafira?

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: You move
the back seats forward.

-BOTH: What?
-WOMAN: You move
the back seats forward.

BOTH: We knew that!

Move the back seats forward.

-But...
-CLARKSON: Where's the lever?

HAMMOND:
That doesn't help.

CLARKSON: Excuse me,
where's the lever?

-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:
Behind the seat!
-HAMMOND: That one?

Yeah, we knew that.

We're really good on this show
at controlling power slides,
but not this.

And then you can just
lift these seats.

This is bad!
This is embarrassing!

You've got a shopping bag,
child seat, Brute force...
That's always the answer.

I might have broken that!

Hang on. Sorry, you said,
you've got a Zafira?

Could you just come
and give us a hand?
I've broken it.

No, no, no. It's this. Look.

WOMAN: Yeah, you have
broken that.

That should lock under there.

Have you worked
in a Vauxhall dealership?

-WOMAN: There you go!
-Thank you!

That's, um,
quite embarrassing.

HAMMOND: I feel
a bit silly, mate.

CLARKSON:
Yeah. I'm going to just...

Ah, there you go!
That's it, yeah.

That's up.

The thing is,
once you've done that,

look, you've got
to get in there.

Which is...
Even I couldn't get in there!

-Impossible and the boot's
far too small.
-There isn't any boot.

But you don't get
any of those problems
with the Ford.

'Cause I have had a go
with this one.

Similar system, but better.

Open the boot,
you just lift the seat squabs,
one, two...

Like that, up with the back,
down, and there you go...
Seven seats, all in place.

And...and what's more, look.

Come back with your
heavy shopping, just one lever
slides that forwards

and then you can get in.

Not only that,
you've got a proper
boot space.

Actually, you've got two.

There's a bit under there
and the actual boot.

You could get Top Gear...
In fact, I'll get her.
Here she is, thank you.

Come on, Top Gear Dog!

CLARKSON: Top Gear Dog
going in the boot?

She won't go in the back,
come on...

CLARKSON:
Top Gear Dog has a use!

There, see she can go in there
quite happily.

No dogs were harmed in
the making of this programme.

-Put you head up.
Put you head up. There!
-There!

-CLARKSON: It's easy.
-HAMMOND: You see, it works.

And you can't do that
in the Zafira.

I have to say, this is
one hell of a good car.

Oh, yeah.
We've got a conclusion.

Basically, the Ford is
the most practical,
we've shown that.

It's not the fastest
around the track,
but in the real world,

it's the best one to drive,
it's the best-looking,

and if you get the basic one,
it's the cheapest.

So, there we are.
So, now, let's do the news.

Yes and we begin with
good news, which is that
MG is back... Sort of.

What's actually happened is

that the Chinese company
that has bought the rights
to the MG Rover name

has said that it will reopen
the Longbridge factory,

and that next year, it will
start making the MG TF again.

Well, hold on a minute.
Aren't they going to
make it in China,

then take it to pieces,
then ship it over here,

and then assemble it
in Birmingham,
so they can say it's British?

-Isn't that the idea?
-Yes, that's as we
understand it.

But if you think about this,
the Chinese, they say
they're going to be investing

-£10 million in Longbridge,
yeah?
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

Well, that's a lot of money...
If you're going to
spend it on sweets.

But I've done some
research on this.

Seriously. Mercedes spent
£10 million on research alone
every single day.

So where's that
going to go?

And they end up with cars
that you might want to buy.

I can't think of anyone I've
ever met who thinks,

"Yes, my life
would be complete

"if I could buy an 11-year-old
sports car that's made
in China

"and then nailed together by
a bunch of blokes
in Birmingham."

The thing that
you are forgetting is
the great affection

that is felt all over
the world for the traditional
British sports car.

Hey, I've got big
motoring news
this week of my own.

Bought a new family car.
Very excited.

I bought a second-hand
Land Rover Defender.
Big station wagon thing.

It's a special edition.
It's bright yellow.
They don't make it any more.

And because they don't make it
any more they gave us a pot of
yellow paint to go with it,

to touch out any scratches
new car!

First day in it, family piled
in. Dove right...family in.

A new adventure in a new car.

Two miles down the road,

"Let's go for our first
fill-up in a petrol station
in our new car."

Went to turn left. I looked
across and saw my wife
holding the pot of paint,

that must have pressurised
in the heat or something

because everything apart
from her eyes,
everything was yellow.

The carpet, the ceiling,
all dripping off...
The windscreen all yellow.

It looked like
a teenager's mirror.
It was just ruined!

It was just drip, drip...

I had a family outing
this week in my Ford GT.

Took my son to
the Fairford Airshow,
Gloucestershire.

And?

It's still there.

Rev Limiter decided that it
didn't want to let the engine
to rev beyond 600 rpm,

which isn't much.

Not enough
to actually make progress.

Oh, now, there are some
new cars that have been
coming out in recent weeks.

There's this new
Honda Civic Type R,
got a photograph there.

If you look at that, you know
that's going to be
a great car to drive.

You just know
by looking at it, okay.

There's a new
Land Rover Freelander.

Again, look at that,
you know it's all
gonna be fine.

New Chrysler.
It's called the Sebring.

You look at that and you know
it'll be rubbish!

HAMMOND:
It will be, won't it?

You know they're in trouble...
I was reading the details.

They sent us
a one-page thing on that car.

One page to get all the things
about that car!

Halfway down,
they're talking about

how the cup holders
will chill your drink
as you're driving along.

You know you're in trouble
when they're talking
about that.

That is desperation, isn't it?

Oh, quickly, I must tell you
about the Top Gear survey.

This is very important.
This is where you tell us
about cars.

Now, we can go out
and drive around

and tell you
how fast they are,
how big the boot is,

but not what they're like
to live with from day to day,

so if your car is an 03, a 53,
an 04 or a 54 plate,

then we want to hear from you,
whatever it is.

Any experiences you've had
with your car
or the dealership.

Maybe he has
the manners of a baboon.

Write to us.
We want to know about it.

-It's very good.
You remembered it.
-That's it!

Now. talking of
getting in touch,

we had a number of people
after last week's show
got in touch to complain.

They did.

I said something
about a Muslim, okay?
Two complaints.

Remember Jesus came last week?
I talked to him?
Three complaints.

We were slightly rude
about caravans.

Yeah, we sort of
set one on fire a bit.

150 complaints!

Seriously, 150...
Lots of people are
now demanding an apology.

They are.
So...we really are sorry

and we promise that we will,
all three of us,

never, ever go
caravanning again.

No, no, no. No. I'm sorry
we didn't burn more caravans.

You're right, so am I!
Yeah, that's true.

Right, now, I want to talk
about the Porsche 911.

Okay, now this is designed
to be as fast as the laws of
physics allow.

And that's great.

But it's rather a serious car.
It doesn't have much of
a sense of humour.

And it's the same story
with the Ferrari 430.

You really don't want to sit
next to someone at dinner
who's got one

in case he starts telling you
about his five-way
traction control.

There is, however,
one super car maker
that's a little bit different.

Lamborghinis are for people
who want to move about
in a big pantomime,

a massive West End musical
full of colour and noise,

and to hell with how fast
you can go round a corner.

Unfortunately, the Gallardo,
the baby Lambo,
never really cut the mustard.

As you'd expect,
it isn't quite as nice
to drive as a Ferrari 430.

The steering isn't quite
as delicate, there's less
immediacy from the engine,

and there's not quite
as much poise.

Sure, it has a flappy paddle
gearbox and they dressed up
the power a bit,

but it still isn't
a proper driver's car.

Now, that would be fine
if it was flamboyant
and mad but it isn't.

It feels sort of like
a big Audi TT.

Now, though,
they've launched a £131,000
convertible version,

and I'm delighted to say...
The lunacy's back.

There are faults.

The steering wheel,
for instance,
is covered in a bathmat,

and if you push the seats all
the way back, as I have to,

it squeaks
against the firewall.
Can you hear that?

It does that the whole time
you're driving along.

And you can never
find the seatbelt.
And I don't care.

Sure, you're going
to get people
coming up to you, saying,

"Oh, you could have gone round
that corner 0.003 of a second
faster if you'd had a Ferrari.

"Ooh, you know that's
100 kg heavier than the coupe,
don't you?"

And it doesn't matter,

because I've got 93 million
miles of headroom

and I've got orange seats
and listen to this...

Oh! Ho-ho-ho!

That's the sound
of a 5-litre V10 engine.

It's the noise of 512
rampaging Italian horsepowers.

It's like listening to
the Cirque du Soleil

being chopped up
by their own chainsaws.

One of the things I love most
about this car, though,

is that they've painted it
grey and fitted
active exhausts,

which are supposed to be quiet
at low speeds.

But they're not
fooling anyone.

You can try to drive it
quietly if you want to,
but it's impossible,

because if you accidentally
stray over 3,500 rpm,

you just get this
sort of bark, like that.

-Hear that? Quiet.

-Bark! Argh!

Driving through my local town
the other day,

and I nearly gave some
old woman on the pavement
a heart attack.

"Oops, sorry, love. Sorry."

There are two ways
of removing a dodgy tooth,
you know,

there's the Ferrari way,
which is an exquisite
high-speed drill,

and there's the Lambo way,
which is big hammer. Yes!

This is being alive now.
Who cares about five-way
traction control?

I don't want that!

I want more of this!

I'm in love!

It isn't all clown shoes
and spinning bow ties, though.

It has four-wheel drive,
so there's lots of grip.

It'll go from 0 to 60
in 4.7 seconds.

And flat out,
it'll be doing 195.

That is pretty serious.

Better still,
it has a proper gearbox.

The flappy paddle nonsense
is a £5,000 optional extra.

What's more, Lambo is owned
these days by Audi,

so you even get
some German common sense.

The nose, for instance, can be
raised up when you get to
a speed bump.

And there's more.

Inside, a lot of the equipment
the Sat-nav, the air con,
the dials,

all come from a A8,
so they sort of work.

I remember
the air conditioning
in Lambos of old,

used to be an asthmatic
sitting in the dashboard

blowing at you
through a straw.

That didn't work.

But my absolute
favourite thing about this car
is the way it looks.

Hood down or hood up,
it is desperately pretty
and it's tiny.

It's the same length
as a Ford Focus,

which means it's easy to park
and easy to drive in town.

What we have here, then,
is not, by any means, the best
driver's car in the world,

but you could use it every day
if you wanted to,

and it has the most important
characteristic that I look for
in a car...

It's a laugh.

You drive a Ferrari with
a rather serious expression
on your face.

You drive one of these
grinning like technically
you may be an idiot.

Ahhh...

I think it's
absolutely tremendous.

I know. It's no longer
a Rod Stewart mobile.

No!

You, uh...

You liked it, then?

Oh, I adored it.
It's the lunacy
I love most of all.

Some cars have spoilers
on the back that come up
at a certain speed.

They've all got a button
somewhere inside,
so you can over-ride it.

Okay, so, you can put it up
when you want it.
This doesn't.

That spoiler comes up at 80,
whether you like it or not.

So, it might as well hoist
a flag on the back that says,
"I'm speeding."

CLARKSON: Exactly.

And now we've got to find out
how fast this goes
round our track.

That, of course,
means handing it over to
our tame racing driver.

Some say that on
really warm days, he sheds
his skin, like a snake,

and that, for some reason,
he's allergic to the Dutch.

All we know is,
he's called the Stig.

CLARKSON: And he's off.

Little plumes of tyre
smoke there but the four wheel
drive soon got that reined in.

Here's the first corner...

Look how keenly it turns in.

And now he's back
on the power.

Listen to that!

-MAN:
"Is it dangerous?"

CLARKSON:
Stig's still learning Greek,
it seems!

And meeting us again
through Chicago.

Kicking the back out to give
him the perfect line down
to Hammerhead.

That's where he is now.
at understeer?

Not a bit of it! Loads of grip
and that V10 thunder.

What a lovely drift
on the way out!

MAN:
"I've lost my purse."

CLARKSON:
Follow through now...

Oh, he's having to give it
a flick of opposite lock now!

Hammer down hard.

That's very quick.
Through the tyres.
Two corners left.

Oh, he goes into that one.
He's very committed
through there.

Hard on the brakes.
Shoving it into Gambon.

And across the line!

Yes!

Now...

It did it
in 1 minute 25.7 seconds...

So it's not what you'd call
the fastest super car
in the world,

but I have to say it is
my new favourite.

And now it's time to put
a star in our reasonably
priced car.

Now, my guest tonight
once went round the world
in 80 days.

I hope he's faster than that
on our track!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Steve Coogan!

Ah, now, since you were
last here, you've become
the big Hollywood star.

Not really, no.

CLARKSON: Well, yes!

I've tried.

You have appeared
in a number of
Hollywood films.

Yeah.

Cleese knew this'd happen.
Didn't he?

What did John Cleese
once say to you?

Oh, yeah. I did a film with,
um, John Cleese
and Terry Jones...

It was called
Wind In The Willows.

At the time,
I had a red Ferrari.

The Magnum, P.I. style.

Um...hence the shirt!

And John Cleese saw me
driving off in it,

and he said to the producer,
he went, "Who was
driving that Ferrari?"

He went,
"That's Steve Coogan."

"He's a very, very talented
young man, isn't he?"

And he went, "Yeah, he is."

"I do hope he gets cancer."

I'm quite envious
of how your life's turned out,
to be brutally honest.

'Cause everything you ever do
seems to turn to gold.

Um, I've had a few misses...
But, um, yeah...

-You always have a nice time
while having the misses.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, when I did
Around The World In 80 Days,

there was a scene in the film
where I was in a Jacuzzi.

And I sat between Jackie Chan
and Arnold Schwarzenegger,

in a Chan-Schwarzenegger
sandwich.

And I didn't know what to...
Uh, it was my small talk.

I said, "Are you still driving
your Hummer, Arnold?"

"Yes, I have five!"

He said,
"Yes, one is military,
ex-military, stripped out.

"I like to drive it round LA,
with my cigar."

How does the conversation go,
to end up
in a hot tub with you?

"Get in the hot tub
with me, Steve."

-CLARKSON: Yes.

It was something like that.

-CLARKSON:
Something like that?
-Yeah.

Huh, you're easily pleased,
aren't you?

Anyway, Saxondale's your
new series.

This is a character who is...

He's a 50-year-old
ex-roadie
turned-pest-controller.

There's a lot of them around.

The thing is, I was watching
the second episode,

when your man Saxondale
goes to see
a motoring journalist...

...who's got this
TV show about cars.

Hmm.

Shall we have a look
at a little clip of that?

Let's have a look
at this, okay.

Hi. Pest control for the mice?

The very same.

Eccellente. Shimmy on in,
then, gents.

Can I just halt proceedings
to doff the proverbial
to the guv'nor,

re. the wheels?

R, E, S, P, E, C, T.

-Yeah, respect.
-Right. Yeah.

Are you an aficionado?

Got a Mustang in the drive.

Oh, Shelby?

I wish! No, Boss 351.

'72. Tweaked.

Flooring the gas on a tweaked
351, you'll still put your
bowels in your back pocket.

Tell me about it!

Shall we hunt some rodent,
then, gents?

There he goes!

So, um...

Well... Who's that, then?

Well, he's called
Jerome Wilson.

So...so... Someone pointed out
to me afterwards

that it reminded him
a bit of you,
which is pure coincidence.

I'm very flattered
and honoured.

I was going to
ask you to do it.

I was going to ask you
to be in it as yourself.

But then I thought I couldn't
quite stick the knife in
if it was you.

It's gone in nice
and deep there,

because it does end up with,
"Bit of a dick, isn't he?"

It's how that series ends.

You can only satirise
something if you
truly love it though, Jeremy.

Well, no. 'Cause my wife sat
watching it,

and when it got to the bit
where I'm a bit of a dick,
she was going, "Yeah. Yeah."

One of the things I love about
the way you write stuff,

is how much attention
to detail you always
put into it.

And particularly the cars.

'Cause Gareth Cheeseman
had the Probe,

Partridge had the...
Well, the Rover
and then the Lexus,

both, you know,
spot on for him.

And now Saxondale
has got the Mustang.

I mean, that's just
a brilliant piece of casting.

Well, I was very
specific about it.

This is where we get really
kind of, anal about cars,

but I didn't want, sort of,
the GT Fastback Mustang
from Bullitt...

No, that Steve McQueen drove.
That's too cool.

-CLARKSON: The 390.
-That's right.

See, good. Well done.

So, um...
I wanted the Boss 351, uh...

That's the Bond one from...

It's the one from
Diamonds Are Forever,

that goes sideways
on its side wheels
through that alleyway.

But... There's a continuity
error in it.

Well, there is
and there isn't.

-I know about this.
-Go on, then.

Okay, when they did
the James Bond film
Diamonds Are Forever,

there is one of the most
famous mistakes on film.

The car goes through
on its wheels that way,
like that.

And then, when it comes out
of the alley,
it's the other way round.

-Yeah.
-So what they do is,

they put in a shot
in the middle
with him driving along.

Suddenly the car goes...
You see them in the car,
going...

And it goes

As if somehow...

If it could do that,
it could drive
through the gap normally!

That was my favourite bit.

You can see them in
the edit going, "Oh, dear."

-"Oh, no!"
-"Oh, no!"

I thought they
might do this...

This is really... I thought
they might flip the image.

But when he drives out,
there's lots of signs, uh,
it's Las Vegas

and there's casino here
and all the signs would be
backwards, so...

Can I give you a really
anal one on that?
You'll like this.

You know, in car adverts
that are run
all round the world,

there's one of
the number plates is
YHY 101.

It's so that when they flip it
to make it left
or right hand drive,

the number plate
still makes sense.

I like that fact.

I might use that
a dinner party when there's
an awkward pause.

Yes, I do...

And then the pause
is even longer!

Now the lap.

Oh, God...

What's really funny, okay,
is Rob Brydon,
who's your protege, really...

I know.

He has the most wretched
car history of anyone
who's ever been on the show.

His highlight
was his Cavalier,
and he liked it!

And he was faster than you.

I know, do you know,
that's probably the most...

That was the worst moment
in my life, actually.

When I heard... My builder
who came round
to my house, told me,

"Your mate, Rob Brydon,
he wiped the floor with you."

"What do you mean?"

-"He was faster."
-"No. No. No."

Then I rang him, and said
"Was Rob Brydon
faster than me?"

And he never
lets me forget that.

When I see him, he goes, um,

"I don't know if you
remember, Steve,

"I was actually slightly
faster than you."

So, um, lap.

How did it go on today?

The new,
reasonably priced car?

I, er, I suppose...
Someone said to me,
actually the Stig said to me,

that people who are sportsmen

and people who are,
if you're like,
technical people,

tend to do better
because they listen more.

And I don't think,
I'm sort of...

I'm more a sort of,
"Let me just go."

So I'm probably not
the most disciplined...

Well, there was certainly
evidence of that on one
of your practice laps.

Who'd like to see that?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's run the tape then.

Here we go.
Just a little bit
of practice here.

It's bounced.
Oh, now you see,
you've got your tail out,

nearly held it and then,
oh dear!

Soft suspension.

CLARKSON: Very good!

It was quite enjoyable,
actually.

Well, shall we see your lap?

-Yeah, go on.
-Would you like to see that?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Here we go. Play the tape.

And we're off.

Please let me be better
than Rob Brydon. Please!

CLARKSON: You cut that corner
but that skidded,
so it doesn't matter,

that's what it does
if you cut the corner.

Oh, that's nice and tight
through there. I like that.

My second...

CLARKSON: A bit close there.

Suddenly Alan Partridge
has taken over
the wheel there.

And it wasn't really
a comic creation, it was you.

STEVE COOGAN: Yeah, I know.

Go faster!

CLARKSON: There's a lot of
staring at the gear lever
going on.

-Brian Cox was doing that...
-It was annoying me.

CLARKSON: ...last week
staring at it in the hope
that he could make... Ooh!

That was violent.

Now we're here at a bit of...
Oh, two turn ins for that
corner in a row.

That's nice and brave,
across the grass,
kept it on there nicely.

Gambon...
Using that to keep
the tail out.

And there we are
across the line!

Where do you reckon, then?

I've maybe...

I'd like to think
I'd be above Michael Gambon.

-CLARKSON: Now, can I
just be honest with you?
-Yeah, go on.

The Stig said he thinks
that the heat might have
done something to you...

Or the car or the track
or something.

'Cause he was very flattering
about your driving.

He did, he said you were
very good, competent,
late braking, aggressive...

All of the right things.

But, not quick...

To be brutal... One minute...

50.9 seconds.

So it's there. But give him
a round of applause.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

The first one ever - hot.

That's not the lap.
That's the temperature.

But do you want to know
the really bad thing?

Perhaps, I shouldn't
tell you this.

Rob Brydon...

In the old, less powerful car
was quicker.
-Quicker.

It's still slower than Rob?

Yeah. Would you like to
stay the night here?

Turn your phone...

Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve Coogan!

Now... Now...

In the olden days,
if you wanted
a great, small car,

you really couldn't do
much better than
buy a small Peugeot.

But in recent years,
they seem to have
lost the plot.

Yeah, Take the 206.

You'd only have bought one
because it was made
in Britain.

But now they've closed
that factory in Coventry

and it's going to be made in
Turkmenistan or somewhere.

Exactly, so now it's gonna be
a bad car made badly.

But anyway, Peugeot have
launched a new small car
and I've been driving it.

Here it is. It's called
the 207 and it's Peugeot's
biggest small car yet.

As we can see,
it's a very pretty car.

But is it any good?

Well, let's have
a look on the inside.

It's got an iPod connector,
satnav and radio and so on.

And it's all rather
beautifully lit by

this Californian architect's
glass sun roof thing.

However, it does
still look a bit like

the inside of
Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit.

It's also got this.
A built-in air freshener.

It's something like,
Wang Chung or jojoba oil.

So you get more space
and more toys.

But you have to part
with more money.

This one I'm in,
for example, is the 1.6 diesel
and it costs almost £15,000,

which is a lot of money
for a small car...

Even if it is quite a big one.

To see if it's worth it,
I'm going to test this
ginormous city car

on the streets of Liverpool.

And to spur me on a bit,
I'm going to have a race.

And it's against
the latest French development
in urban transport solutions.

A couple of young men
in silly trousers.

Are you ready?

-Ready.
-Yeah.

3, 2, 1. Go!

I should probably explain
that these are not just
any young men.

They are masters of something
called parkour.

It's a French invention
and involves
that sort of thing.

Running around the city,
leaping across buildings
and benches.

You know,
keeps them off the street.

Our race will run from
the edge of Liverpool

to the finish line
at the Liver Building.

For me, it'll be
about six miles.

Their journey, of course,
is pretty much
as the crow flies.

What am I doing?
Ooh, 25 miles an hour.

They'll have difficulty
matching that.

So anyway, the car...
Well, it's got a nice
driving position.

The steering's nice
and weighty,
the seat is excellent.

And there's quite a bit more
room in here
than in the old one.

But there is a problem.
Something you really feel
on the city streets.

Because the 207 is bigger
and has more gizmos
and more safety equipment,

it's almost 300 pounds heavier
than the old car.

And yet it still has to
haul itself around with
the same engine as the 206.

The car I'm in
has the 1.6 diesel,
the best of the current range.

But it's still not great.

It's really sluggish
and that's annoying.

Yes, right, we're off.

Not only were the Scouse
spider-men unstoppable,

they also knew
where they were going.

Which I didn't.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know
where the Liver Building is?

Oh, no, the Li-ver Building.

Why isn't it called
Li-verpool then?

Well... It...

There they are.

Look at that.
They look like
they've nicked something.

But I didn't catch them
for long.

Oh, please!

Meanwhile,
the air freshener device
was getting up my nose.

That's great, you can buy
a brand new car

and they immediately
make it smell like
a 25 year old minicab.

Come on!
We're not all shopping!

I had just two miles to go
in the sluggish Peugeot.

I'm not going to be beaten by
some pre-pubescent teenagers

in camouflage trousers.

I must have averaged 10 or 12
miles an hour. I should win.

Go! Go! Go!

I was close, but so were they.

Come on!

That must be
the Liver Building.

And they're not here.
They are not here!

No sign of
combat-trousers man.

That is a victory
for beer guts
over washboard stomachs,

fashionable clothes
from army surplus shops,
stupid expensive trainers.

Here I am in my tatty jeans
and my old biffabout shoes

with the broken laces
and I've won!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

HAMMOND:
Very good. Very good.

-So.
-Yes.

You lost.

I did lose.
But, to be honest
I don't mind

because I think those blokes
are amazing.

What about the car?

That's not so amazing
to be honest.

It's too big, it's too heavy,
it's too expensive.

And you know, all those blokes
who were fired from
the Coventry factory...

-Yes.
-Well, you know, they wanted
to do an ad campaign to say,

"Don't buy a Peugeot."
Because they wanted to protest
at how they had been treated.

-Yes.
-Well, I can think of a better
reason for not buying one.

-What?
-It's rubbish.

Okay, now we're going to have
a very special race

at the Knockhill
circuit in Scotland.

Two teams, got the Stig on one

and then it's James, Richard
and me on the other.

And the cars we are using are
Caterham's which are kit cars.

Yeah, and what makes
the race special

is that the winner isn't
the first to finish,

it's the first to start.

Let me explain.

At precisely 9:00 a.m.
the Stig will leave
the Caterham factory here

and he will drive to Scotland.

Meanwhile we will start here
at the track.

Okay, now, it sounds like
we have a big advantage,

but before we can set off,
we have to build our car
from scratch.

So can we do that faster
than the Stig can drive
to Scotland?

There is also, actually,
a serious point to this,

which is, how hard can it be
to build a kit car?

Well, as it turns out, very.
Because all you did all day
was shout at Jeremy.

And all I wanted to do was
stick a screwdriver in
the side of his head.

You wouldn't look
at the diagram.
That was the problem.

No, you spent 8 hours
filing everything away

and caressing every
single bolt before putting it
on the car.

The fact is you'd have put
every piece on upside down...

-I wouldn't.
-...because you won't listen.

Stop arguing.
Can we just look at the film.

Right. It's ten to nine.

We're in one of
the pit garages
at the Knockhill track

and here's our car!

While we're building our car,
we have this satellite
tracking system

which we can use to monitor
the Stig's progress.

Right now, he's at
the Caterham factory
in Surrey.

We've got the engine,
the gearbox, the drive shaft,
the bodywork,

major suspension components,
radiator, interior trim
and wiring to do.

Of course, we are ideally
suited for the job in hand.

I trained as
a local newspaper reporter,

Hammond trained
as a local radio DJ
and May trained as a pianist.

He's off! He's moved!

CLARKSON: The pianist
had appointed himself
as project leader.

And insisted we all read
the instruction manual.

We've only got eight hours!
I can't read that
in eight hours!

Rubbish. Don't need that.

The Stig had
465 miles to cover

and was a man on a mission.

James, however, wasn't.

...a spacer bush
3/8ths internal diameter,

half an inch
outside diameter...

This...

...from the rear mount using
bolts three, inserted from
the front of the mounting.

James, does it need
a washer, yes or no?

CLARKSON: You've got to be
faster than you are being.

Speed is what matters today.
Seriously.

-Guess and go fast.
-MAY: Shut up, Jeremy.

CLARKSON: Luckily, we did have
one advantage.

The Stig had refused
to go round the M25

and was ploughing
straight through the middle
of London...

At rush hour.

Why is he doing that?
It must be...

I am going as the crow flies,
I am a Stig.

HAMMOND: Straight line,
I will not deviate.

While he's stopped,
we work like mad men.

CLARKSON: Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

How to build a car.

It's broken.

-MAY: Don't hit it
with a hammer.
-Why?

MAY: 'Cause it's a tool
of a pikey.

So if you buy it in this state
and build it yourself,
it's 15,000, okay?

If you buy it ready-built,
like the Stig's,
it's £2,500 more.

Think of the fun
of assembling.

It's not fun to do this.

Your wife leaves you,
she's in bed with a milkman.

And you're,
"Where's my front
suspension unit?"

CLARKSON:
It took Stig 90 minutes
to get across south London.

I think he's moved.
I think he's crossing
the River Thames.

And we had used the time well.

One and a half hours,
the rear suspension is on,

rear brakes, drive shaft,
everything done there.

Up front, this corner,
a magnificent achievement,
frankly.

Everything working...
What are you doing?

We have to clamp
the steering rack down.

Oh, I knew that.

James, can I start
on the interior.

I think that's
an excellent idea.

I'll get a hammer.

So while Richard and James
busied themselves
with the steering rack,

I tackled the seats.

They hadn't lined them up
in the factory,
but I have now, brilliantly.

CLARKSON:
The Stig was now on the M40
and had the hammer down.

I too had put my hammer down,
and picked up a spanner.

Though something
was bound to go wrong.

How did I do that?

You did it 'cause
you just dumped it
and didn't look.

And slid underneath.

-Have I got to
take it out again?
-You have to.

Let's think about it.

MAY: No matter,
the Stig was still
400 miles away.

and coming to a halt again.

This time
at the Oxford services.

CLARKSON: He's at Oxford
and we're putting
the engine in.

It is engine time.

Victory is ours!

MAY: Meanwhile,
down in Oxford,

the Stig was revealing
something new about himself.

MAY: Ah!

He has a bladder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it's for.

Just get the gear box.

-Um...
-CLARKSON: What?

Engine?

CLARKSON: Engine!
HAMMOND: Car!

Hello, Stig, sir,
would you like to join?

You've got to get
this round...

MAY: Yeah, exactly...

HAMMOND: No!

MAY: Where's the Stig?

CLARKSON: Whose fault
was that?

Oh, that's not
going to help, is it?

CLARKSON: How strong
are brake discs?
MAY: Pretty strong.

HAMMOND: Quite strong.

Are they strong enough
to withstand a car?

HAMMOND: No.

You know
when I was underneath,
putting the seat,

and I specifically said,
"Can it fall off its things?"

And you said, "No."

And what a shame it didn't.

Quickly! Quickly!
I'm going to drop the car!

HAMMOND: You're right.

There you go.

-Everybody's happy.

CLARKSON: By now, the Stig
was nearing Birmingham.

We'd lost time
and our engine still
wouldn't go in.

-You know what the problem is?
-What?

Because the garage
is built on the cock,
and is all on a slope...

-Hmm.
-We really need the car
pointing that way.

James, we haven't got time,
we have to move
the engine out,

turn the whole car round,
move the jacks.

Look, he's just about
to get on to the M42.
Seriously...

CLARKSON: Annoyingly,
the pianist was right.

James, tell me what to do
and I'll push it down.

HAMMOND: It's all right,
we've got it.

Don't worry about
the big heavy engine
and the small guy holding it.

-MAY: Be ready to stop
as soon as I say.

CLARKSON: James,
look at the map
behind you.

Yeah, I know, Jeremy.

HAMMOND: Just...
MAY: What are you suggesting?

-Should we just
lie on the top?
-Can we not bicker now?

CLARKSON: Jiggle it.

HAMMOND: I'm jiggling
like a bugger.

Now you can go down.

HAMMOND: Oh, Jeremy!

MAY: I didn't mean
release it all together.

You just dropped it
through the bloody car!

He is 299 miles away.

At Stig's speeds,
that could be an hour.

HAMMOND: Jeremy was sacked
from engine management

and James and I
did it ourselves.

-It's in!
-Yes!

Start it up!

It's not that in.

-All the brakes
have to be connected up.
-Brakes.

-All the rest
of the ancillaries.
-Ancillaries.

-Battery.
-Battery.

-Throttle linkage.
-Throttle linkage.

-Clutch linkage.
-Clutch.

-Gear linkage.
-Gears.

There's quite a lot to do
if we're honest.

HAMMOND: During
our engine fitting
calamity,

the Stig had made up
all the time he'd lost
in London.

We were now on the back foot.

Hammer.

-HAMMOND: No!
-MAY: No!

I have to attach this
before I can attach
something else here?

That means I can
then attach the...

-Roll bar?
-No!

Oh, God...

MAY: Look at the picture.

-CLARKSON: It doesn't
tell me anything!
-MAY: It does!

CLARKSON: They may as well
have photographed
your arse.

HAMMOND: The Stig had now
covered 220 miles
and was making good time.

The only blessing
was his small fuel tank.

I think he's stopped for fuel.

Has the Stig
ever stopped for fuel before?

How will he pay for it?

You got a Nectar card?

MAY: While the Stig
was powering through
the lake district,

Jeremy was attaching
the steering wheel.

CLARKSON: Broken.

MAY: And then he had
his second go
at fitting the seats.

Bored, bored, bored,
bored, bored,
bored, boring,

boring, dull, tedious,
annoying, back ache,
arm ache,

cramp, miserable,
hate, James...

How far from Scotland
is Carlisle?

CLARKSON: It's finished!

MAY: No, it wasn't.

MAY: Jeremy,
before you go any further,
can I make a point?

You have to mount
the harness first,
before you put the seats in.

You're joking.

Every single thing I do
is rubbish.

MAY: You don't think
anything through.

You just get a hold of it,
and think,
"That goes through there."

But if you just
thought about it...

This is the worst day
of my life ever.

CLARKSON:
The Stig hit Scotland.

He was now
just 100 miles away

and we still had to do
the brakes, the bodywork
and the electrics.

Thank God
Richard and I had taken
some shortcuts!

Jeremy, no...

I'm saving time
by not putting
washers and bolts on.

But, these are all
really important stuff.

I know. I know.

CLARKSON:
James would flip if he knew.

CLARKSON: Predictably, though,
James was being
too anal to notice.

That's all he's done,
all morning, he files.

He takes stuff out
and then puts it back
and files it

where it's supposed to be.

- James!
-What?

Stop filing!

I'm looking for the
sodding socket thing,

that you need to
take that out.

-Do you know where it is?
Do you know where it is?
-No. No!

-Do you know
what it looks like?
-CLARKSON: Yes!

No, you don't.

HAMMOND: With the Stig pitting
for his final splash and dash,

we had to start
bleeding the brakes,

which, it turns out,
is a minefield
of double entendres.

The nipple is off,

the tube is in the hole.

I will be needing some pump.

MAY: Where is he?
CLARKSON: Put those
on the floor.

-CLARKSON:
Why have you got that?
-Oh he's...

He's making his way
towards Glasgow.

You should feel it
go stiff now.

Pump, man, pump!

CLARKSON: Braking happening?

Oh, yeah, that's much better.
Yeah, that's hard.

CLARKSON: The Stig was now
off the motorway
and bearing down on us.

A light!
It breathes! It lives!

Has he crossed the Forth yet?

MAY: He's just about to
cross it

HAMMOND: Yes.
He's about to now.
He's doing it.

CLARKSON: That made him
just 20 miles away.

HAMMOND: We've got minutes.
Come on!

Petrol.

Putting the gear knob on.
It will be required.

Press the button.

-Whoa!

It lives! It's dead...

If that goes on,
will this car work?

-Fuel pump's working.
-Yes.

-Well!

-Oh.

What was that?
Why did it do that?

He's five miles away.

Right now,
just leave it a minute.

Now.

-HAMMOND: Hey!

I'm just getting rid of tools.

MAY: Who's driving?

-Can you do it with three?
-Yes.

-Do we go on one or three?
-We go on not or one?

We go three, two, one, go,
or three, two...

Three, two, one, go!

ALL: Three, two, one, go!

-What does that mean?
-Paper wraps stone.
You're driving.

Goodbye.

Immobilizing the fuel pump.

-HAMMOND: Yes.

-Come on!
-Oh, God.

CLARKSON: All we had to do
to win
was cross the start line.

Three, two, one... Go!

HAMMOND: Yes!

-That's enough!
-That is it. We won!

CLARKSON: We had won, but how?

What had happened to the Stig?

He was right on top of us
at one point.

Does this car
belong to you, sir?

Can I ask
where you are going to?

Can I ask
where you've come from?

He was three miles away
10 minutes ago.

Is the car stolen, sir?

I would have thought,
even with traffic
or trouble getting in...

CLARKSON: The Stig
reserved the right
to remain silent.

So...

There you go.

Proof that you can build
an entire car in eight hours.

Absolutely.
And it is actually,
a great thing to do.

It's not like
mending an old car,
where it's all dirty.

Everything is clean and new.

And it all goes
together perfectly.

It's a great experience.
It's wonderful.

James, I would rather
staple my ears
to a horse.

Honestly, apart from the fact
that you chafe your knuckles
every 15 minutes,

there's the expense.

Okay, it's two
and half thousand pounds
less to buy the car in bits.

But then you've got to buy
the tools, then you've got
the divorce settlement.

End up taking your kids
to McDonalds every Saturday...

And what do you end up with?
Would anybody here
drive a car that I built?

No, exactly.
Let's take this one
as an example.

This is the one
we made, all right?

They've put
a little plaque on it I see,
down here, down at Caterham.

And this car
built by Top Gear.

Which has
rendered it worthless.

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you very much
for watching. Good night.