Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Being Van Roadies for The Who - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight, Noble's
difficult third album comes
to our track.

The art of being
a white van man.

And the Suzuki Liana is back

with some bloke called
Jenson Button.

Hello, and welcome.
And we start tonight
with a question.

How many vans do you suppose
were sold in Britain
last year?

322,000. I'm sorry.

-You really are an irritating
little man.

-Yes.
-But it's what
you were going to say.

It's... You're right.
It was 322,000.

And that's twice as many
as the best-selling car,



which means there are an awful
lot of van drivers out there.

And the thing is,
we never cover

the subject, ever,
on the show.

So, the producers said
that we had to do a van test.

They arranged for us to be
roadies for one of the bands

at this summer's music
festival in Hyde Park.

Yeah. Now, obviously,
before we could do this,

we each had to choose a van.

To be honest, I know nothing
about vans, so I chose this.

It's a Renault Master and
two things struck me about it.

The first is that it's
very large, obviously.

And the other is that
I sort of like the styling.

I think it's quite chic.

How can it be chic?
It's a van!



Yeah, but it is a very
good-looking van.

It's as good-looking as
a plumber's bum crack, James.

-No...
-Whatever, whatever.

I know nothing about vans
either, so I chose
a Ford Transit.

For 41 years, it's been
the king of vans,

and now there's this new one,
which is better,

in lots of important
and, I'm sure,
very interesting ways.

Now, I have to be honest,
I know even less about vans

than these two put together.
So I chose this.

It's a Volkswagen, er...

-Volkswagen...

T30 174 TDI Sportline.
It's not the biggest van in
the world,

and it is quite expensive.
But it does 120 miles an hour.

So basically, you just went
for the fastest.

This is the fastest van
in Britain, this is, and

I thought that might be
important in some way.

Anyway, the three of us ended
up with our vans,

and then we were ready
to go off
and be roadies with them.

CLARKSON: Richard and I
made it on time
to Hyde Park,

and quickly discovered

the enormity
of the task ahead.

We were going to be roadies

for one of the biggest
bands in the world.

The Who.

Well, when I say we,
it's Richard and me,

because James has found
something better to do

than hang around backstage

with the greatest
rock 'n' roll
band in the world.

Yep, he actually phoned in
to say he was unwell.

But, if you look closely
at this poster,

the date there, you'll see
that what he's actually
doing is, he's in Reigate

hosting the Surrey Motor Show.

Still, he'll doubtless turn up
later on after all
the hard work is done.

Yeah.

CLARKSON: First, we found out
what we'd be taking
to the next gig,

90 miles away on
the south coast.

Me?
I'd be in charge of something
worryingly precious,

Pete Townshend's guitars.

-Each guitar is 3,000 quid?
-Oh, yeah.

CLARKSON: And there were
70 of them.

Hammond, on the other hand,

had only one instrument
to worry about.

But it was a biggie.

Yeah! Hello, Hyde Park!

-Do I do anything clever?
Or just carry stuff?
-Not at all.

HAMMOND: The £12,000-kit
belonged to Zak Starkey,

who, unlike his father,

is a drummer.

What if I break something?
Like a drum skin or a...

-Don't do it? No.
-No.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile, back
at the front of the stage,
I'd discovered

I'd have to transport
Pete's amps as well.

These are all...
Is this why he's a bit mutton?

Er... No, no, no. Yes.

Are they very heavy?
Can I lift it up?

-Talk among yourselves.

CLARKSON: It turned out that
The Who travels

with 1,000 flight cases
full of equipment,

and that our vans
all together

could handle
the weight and bulk of

nine.

I, therefore, went to see
Pete Townshend,

who was in his motor home,
overseeing something called
In the Attic,

his new live webcast
music show.

Um, we have a problem.

Now you've got apparently
1,000 packing cases,

but we can only take nine.

-Right.
-So you're gonna have to slim

-down the number of guitars
you need.
-Right.

-I could get you a really good
job with the Arctic Monkeys.

-And they're only
12 and a half.
-Three...

So they won't smack you in
the face with a microphone
stand like I'm about to do.

I need all my gear
at that gig. I need it all.

CLARKSON: Roger Daltrey had
no interest in the smallness
of my van.

He just wanted to explain
the best way

of throwing a television
into a swimming pool.

-Has to be plugged in and
working. With a long lead.
-When it goes in?

The challenge was to keep it
working till it hit the water.

-Ah, right.
-It's much more technical
than they realise.

-I thought it was just get
a television...
-A lot of thought goes in it.

CLARKSON: Roger kindly lent me
one of his tellies.

And Pete kindly organised
some enormous trucks

to carry the stuff
we'd have to leave behind.

Then, just before
the kick-off,

the headline act from the
Surrey Motor Show turned up.

How was it, James?

CLARKSON: I'm guessing now
that he probably left

behind a smaller
crowd than this.

So, James,
you know what happens.

In about two hours,
all of that lot, off here,

into our vans
and we're gonna
drive 90 miles.

-Yeah. And you cannot
get lost.
-No.

CLARKSON: As the show neared
its conclusion,

I fervently hoped that
The Who

would smash up all
their equipment

like they used to.

But they didn't.

Plainly, Mr Daltrey
really wanted

to see
the three of us suffer.

Don't take any pity on them,
guys. Roadies!

Don't take any pity
on them whatsoever.

HAMMOND: And so, as the crowd
went home, we put
the Top Gear pianist

in charge of keyboards,
and got to work.

Three, two, one.

Watch me get in
everybody's way!

-Do you know where this
is going?
-That's going to go down...

Thanks. You take that.

I put one in there already.

HAMMOND: After an hour,
it was time
to pack the vans.

But that was a bit of
a problem for Jeremy.

-That's a real clamp.
-And it's really on.

MAY: Well, that's not
rock 'n' roll, is it?

-Ken Livingstone.
-It probably is
Ken Livingstone.

HAMMOND: Happily, because
our vans were so small,

loading them up didn't
take long.

Got a dicky back.

We'll get the beers in
and I'll warm up the groupies.

9:00 in the morning,
don't be late,

and don't get clamped again.

Goodbye, London!

Oh, bloody Nora.
I've gone the wrong
way already.

When I get down to the hotel
tonight, I'm gonna make
Keith Moon

look like Keith Chegwin.

I'm gonna start by fire-axing
my way through the wall

into James' bedroom.
And then I'm gonna
cut his hair.

CLARKSON: Only Hammond was
concentrating on the job
in hand.

The flat-load bed in the back
of this, and minimal intrusion
from the wheel arches,

the fact that it's the widest,
which is what you need.

That's how you load
the thing up.

It's all been thought out.

HAMMOND: And at £18,600,

it's also the cheapest here.

CLARKSON: So was James
focusing on the important
stuff, payload, fuel economy?

No, he wasn't.

I've got air conditioning,
I've got
a semi-automatic gearbox,

I've got a CD player,
I've got sat nav.

It just goes on and on
and on.

MAY: Predictably, Jeremy
got sidetracked by the speed
of the van GTI.

This is not fast for a van.
It's fast, full stop.

It does naught to 60
in 11 and a bit seconds.

You hit 70 in third.

CLARKSON: Bizarrely, however,
none of this seemed
to impress James.

I don't actually think
your van's as quick
as mine, Jeremy.

How's he gonna make
that one stand up?

CLARKSON OVER RADIO: James,
your van does 87 miles
an hour, mine does 120.

I think mid-range,
mine's pretty potent.

Okay. Three, two...

-This can only end well.
-...one, go.

As I was saying, James,
I don't think you've
quite grasped

how fast this van is.

CLARKSON: Because the other
two didn't have speed
to keep them going,

we pulled over
for a cup of tea.

CLARKSON: I feel like
a roadie.

-2:00 in the morning.
-Yeah.

2:00.

CLARKSON: Naturally, the talk
soon turned to how confident

we felt about leaving our
cargo unattended.

Hammond didn't seem fazed
at all.

For one thing, it's got all
security systems on it
and alarms,

and even the key,
when you plug it in,

it charges up off
the ignition.

So I know when I hit
the button, it's locked.

So, that's quite safe then.

Actually, this is pretty good.

This has got... I can't
remember what it's called.
Renault Anti-Intruder Device.

-It's got like a...
-R.A.I.D.

R.A.I.D. Yeah.
It's got deadlocks that...

-So you won't get in there.
So, what about yours?
-It's fantastic.

-I might... I might go
and have my tea...
-Just...

Yeah, 'cause there's
70,000 quids
worth of guitars.

I'm gonna be out there
if you want me.

CLARKSON: We were now supposed
to knuckle down and really
test our vans,

but I'm afraid
we got distracted.

This party. Presumably,
it's going to be pretty wild.

-It's The Who, mate.
It's The Who.
-Yeah!

CLARKSON: We were
feeling crazy.
Well, when I say we...

Cruise control! Hey, hey!

CLARKSON: At quarter to dawn,
we made it to the next venue,

locked up the vans,
and with our work done,

headed back to the party
at the hotel.

Sadly, though, it seems
the world of rock 'n' roll
has moved on.

There were no groupies.
The only drug on offer
was cocoa,

and there was no swimming pool
into which I could throw

Roger's television.

So, we went to bed.

The next morning,
we met to reach a verdict.

But that's hard
when you haven't been
paying attention.

I'd like to say
the Volkswagen
was the fastest van.

-It was.
-Yes, it was.

-Mine was the biggest van.
-Oh, the Renault is huge.

Clearly bigger.
And my Ford Transit
was the cheapest.

Yeah.

-So...
-No, we're going somewhere
with this.

Yeah, so... There you are.

It depends really
on what you want
from a van.

I did a thing last night where
I said, "If you're
a heart transplant driver..."

-Yours is perfect.
-Undoubtedly.
It's not very big,

-but it goes
like the clappers.
-Yes.

But, if the heart bloke died,
for example, and you wanted
to move some headstones around

mine would be better,
because you
get more in it,

and you can
carry bigger weight.

But the good news is that
there are as many vans
out there

as there are things you'd want
to do with them.

CLARKSON: Absolutely. I mean,
if you wanted a Volkswagen

that was cheaper than mine...

-You can do that.
-You can get a cheaper one
than you had, yeah.

The interesting thing about
the Renault, which is a very
big van, is

if you don't want a big van,
they'll do you a smaller one.

So even the big vans can be
small if you want.

Absolutely.

Whatever van you
want, if you want a van,
buy the cheapest.

-Of the sort of van you want.
-Yeah.

And then ring around
the local dealers
and see

who would sell it to you
for the least.

-That's it.
-That's that.

Um... Now, um...

When we brought that
film back to the office,
and the producer saw it,

he was very angry
with us.

He said that was the worst
conclusion in the history
of television.

Yeah. May have had a point.

Yeah, in fact, he dreamt up
a bit of a punishment for us,
which we'll show you later.

We will.
But now, this.

It's a letter from a young man
called Jenson,

who lives in Monte-Carlo.

"Dear Top Gear, my car is
always breaking down."

"Please, please, please,
could you fix it
for me

"to drive something more
reliable around your track?"

How could we possibly say no?
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome Jenson Button!

-How are you?
-I'm good, very good,
thank you.

Have a seat.
Have a seat.

We're glad to be able to help.

Least we can do.

Now... Talk us through
your facial hair.

-My facial hair?

Do you not like
the facial hair?

-I think it looks good. Yeah.
-You think it looks good?

Well, it's better than...
A bit back, it was
the Noel Edmonds.

Or a bit of a Beadle going on.

Well, the thing is, I get
four bald patches
as well, here.

-I don't know if you can see.
-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, that's not a good look.
Let's have a look.
-Yeah.

Coming from you, Jeremy?

-Yeah.

I've got a bald patch here!
That's even worse.

That's even worse. Um...

-You live in Monte-Carlo.
-I do.

You're paid a not
inconsiderable sum of money,

You're a kind of good-looking
chap, before the beard,
obviously.

Do you find it difficult
to get women?

Uh... That's a tough one for
me to answer at the moment.
Um...

-Really? Why?
-Do I find it difficult...

-Yeah, I do, 'cause I'm just
busy all the time.
-Really?

-You know, I'm busy.
I'm racing cars.
-That's once a fortnight!

Once a fortnight,
drive round a bit,

usually, frankly, break down
before the end, this year.

We're talking about an hour's
work a fortnight.
And then you're off.

-Just like yourself.
-Yeah, exactly like me!

We do a lot of testing
as well. A lot of testing.

If we're in Australia,
we do PR.

Yeah, we do have some
downtime and, er...

I like to enjoy myself
as we all do.

-Um, but... I don't go...
-So you get a lot of sex?

-Probably more than
you, Jeremy, I guess.
-Yep.

Damn right, mate.

Here's a good one.

Do you think that these
racing cars would be
more interesting

if they were fitted with guns?

-What type of guns?
Machine guns or...
-Machine guns. Mini-guns.

-A bazooka or something? Yeah?
-No, mini-guns.

Yeah, it would be
quite interesting.

It might make you
drive a little bit quicker.

-Really?
-It might do, mightn't it?

-Might make the guy...
-Someone's behind you
with a machine gun!

You'd be thinking about that.
It's an easier way
of overtaking.

I love the ideas
you come up with.

-I really do.
-I've got so many.

-You obviously have
a lot of time on your hands.
-I have.

The one thing
I have worked out

is I know what's wrong
with this car.

I know why you're not
winning anything.

-It's that windscreen.

No, I'm not joking. Look!

They design all this,
everything on it is fluid,

and then they go
and put this
vertical windscreen.

That's what's slowing
you down, mate. Seriously.

-It doesn't do anything.
It flexes.
-Trust me.

Another question I've got
for you.
Why haven't you won a race?

You see, that's
a hard one, isn't it?
Straight in.

-It's because I've never been
asked the question before.
-Why haven't you?

'Cause you're getting...
You're 100 starts now?

-100 and something starts.
-100 and something starts.

So what's the matter?

-Um, we're not quick enough.
It's like...
-It's that windscreen.

Get the bloody
windscreen changed. Trust me.

We're not quick enough.
We'll get there definitely.

Would you exchange the money,
the Monte-Carlo lifestyle

and everything for that
first win?

-100%. 100%.
-You would?

-Jack the lot in...
-100%.

You really would
exchange everything?

100%, yeah. It's what I'm...

It's what I've been doing
for 20 years almost now,

is racing,
trying to be the best.

And it's what I love.
It's my passion.

You know, when I've got
grandkids to tell them

that I've got so many million
in the bank, it's not gonna
excite them...

-Oh, trust me, it will.

-But to say...
-"Tell us your Formula One
racing stories, Granddad,

-"while we spend this!"
-Yeah.

But it's better
to say you're world champion,
isn't it?

You're the best in the world
at something.

-You gave...
-That would be, yeah.

I appreciate where you're
coming from on that.

You're wrong, but...
I like...

I'm glad you said that 'cause
I had a horrible feeling
there was a moment...

But I could see it in
your eyes, you were...

-Good.
-You were telling
the truth there.

Anyway, of course,
we know really
why you're here.

-Exactly. You do.
-Money.

Yeah, you're right.

-Have you told them all?
-No, I'm about to.

-We had a bet.
-Yeah, we did.

He said he'd bet me 20 quid
that he could come down here

-and drive round our track
faster than The Stig.
-But the thing is

you say that and I can't
remember saying that
at all.

You were quite drunk.

-And that is a good thing for
a Formula One...
-But I wasn't drinking.

You must have been spiking
my drink. Jeremy...
-I was.

-I've brought the money along.
-I did wake up
a bit uncomfortable.

-There it is. 20 quid.
-Oh, really?

That's my £20.

Put your £20 down there.
Get £20 out,

you earn £8 million,
so get 20 of them out.

Don't you know
about racing drivers?
We never carry cash.

Put £20 there.
Because you had the bet.

Good, put it on there.

Now, obviously we can't send
you round

in the new
reasonably priced car,

'cause this lot have all
done it in the old one.

Can I just say...
Can I just say...

It was really hot today.

It was really hot today
and I had to have

the air conditioning on
in the car.

And you normally...
You probably lose
about three

of the five horsepower
the car has.

Who'd like to see how Jenson
got on in the old Liana?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Play the tape,
let's have a look.

CLARKSON: It's nice to see
the old car back.

We'd been missing it, really.
We have to use this for
the Formula One...

You do that line as well.

Formula One drivers
all do that line,
and The Stig doesn't.

JENSON: Oh, really?
CLARKSON: No.

JENSON: He's obviously
not a Formula One driver,
is he?

CLARKSON: Might be.
Oh, nice beard.

I tell you...

Have you noticed I don't say
a word?

CLARKSON: You've been
concentrating. I love the way
you guys can carry that speed.

I've never driven a car
where it feels

like the rear isn't connected
to the front end.

JENSON: If you watch it in TV,
'cause I watch the show
every week...

CLARKSON: Yeah, in Monaco?
JENSON: Yeah.

-And, er... No.

And, er...
You think, why the hell
are they taking that line?

-CLARKSON: But you do take
a different...
-Lovely gear change!

CLARKSON: There he goes into
the Follow Through. Were you
flat through here?

Easy, it's easy flat.
Jeremy!

-CLARKSON: For some people!
It wasn't easy the other day.
-I was actually...

CLARKSON: Here we come,
second to last corner, this
catches out the amateurs.

Oh! That's wide through there.

-That might have cost you
a bit of time.
-JENSON: You reckon?

JENSON: You'll like this bit,
you'll like this.
CLARKSON: Here it is!

-Across the line!
-Thank you.

-Now...
-I've actually got a feeling
it wasn't that high up.

I should point out this one
was wet, all right?

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

JENSON: It wasn't slower
than Mark, was it?

Could you honestly turn up in
the Grand Prix circuit again

if you were slower than him
and he did it in the rain?

I'm trying to talk myself down
then we're gonna be
hopefully a bit higher.

-You weren't slower than Mark.
-Okay.

But do you think you beat
The Stig?

JENSON: Hmm.

I saw him out there,
he looked good.

-He's saying all
the right things.
-He looked good.

-Jenson?
-Oh, no!

-You did it. This is the most
important thing ever.
-Okay.

In the world, this is it.

One minute...

-The pen doesn't work!
-The pen doesn't work.

-It must be...
-It's the heat.

-You seem to be sweating.
-We'll muddle through.

-One minute, 40...
-Got it.

-...four...
-Yeah.

...point

-seven.
-No!

Yes! So you have made me

very rich.

Somewhere in Dorset,

Nigel Mansell just blew up
with excitement.

-He did have
three days' practice.
-He brought his jet in.

He had a really good look
at the track before going
out there.

Anyway, you've been
a superb sport.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jenson Button!

Thank you.

-CLARKSON: Very good, indeed.

Now, normally at this point
in the show

we would do the news,
but it's the middle of summer,

-everybody's on holiday
and there isn't any.
-No.

So, unlike a regional news
programme that would
go out anyway

and look for a badger
that could tap dance,
we're not gonna bother.

No, there is no news.

What we do have
instead, though,

is a new Rolls-Royce,
and here it is.

And it's the 101EX.

Yeah. Now, it has
the same engine
as the Phantom,

so that's 450 brake
horsepower,

6.75-litre V12.

But the body is lighter,
it's made of carbon fibre,

apart from this bit,
which is aluminium.

Yeah, it's shorter than
the Phantom, it's lower than
the Phantom,

and, of course, it only has
two doors, which,

ready for this,
open backwards

so that one may simply
step aboard.

And then inside it's the usual
blend of dead animal
and rainforest,

but with a twist.

MAY: Oh, yes. If you look up
at the ceiling,
you will see

that it's like the Milky Way.

And, in fact, riding
in the back of this car
is a bit like lying in a field

in Cornwall in the middle
of a very clear night.

HAMMOND: It really is
a fabulous thing.

MAY: It's amazing and,
if I was having one,
I think, Hammond,

I would have the Great Bear.

Yeah. You can even vary
the brightness of
the constellation.

-Look, you can turn it
up and down.
-MAY: Ooh!

CLARKSON: That is disgusting!

Oh, dear. I fear Jeremy may be
heading this way
with an opinion.

No, no, honestly, you can have
one of those pinprick
light things, okay,

on the roof of a limo
on a hen night.

You cannot have one, okay,
in a Rolls-Royce.

And you can't have seven-spoke
alloys, and you can't have red
brake callipers,

and you can't have carbon
fibre and look at that.

A glass Spirit of Ecstasy with
a light bulb up its bottom!

MAY: Jeremy.

That... That is brilliant.

No, the Phantom
is brilliant, okay?

This, if they ever put it
into production

and if it has all this stuff
on it,

will have to be called
the Rolls-Royce Vulgar Sonic.

-Well, you'd know.
-Exactly,
when it comes to vulgar...

The other day we all went
to a screening

of that new film, Cars.
Don't know if you've seen it.

We walked in and he said,

"Yeah, this is a lot
like my cinema at home!"

I've just had a really
good idea.

Why don't you shut up?

And why don't you tell all
the ladies and gentlemen,

with your Tipp-Ex teeth,

-about the car that you've
been driving that I haven't.
-Oh, yes!

I've been driving the latest
offering from one of our very
favourite carmakers.

HAMMOND: Noble. When they
came along
seven years ago,

our first thought was,
"Oh, dear, here we go again.

"Another small British sports
car firm that's going to
disappoint its bank manager."

But their first two cars,
the M10 and the M12,

were absolutely superb.

And now, here comes
the difficult third album.

It's a brand new car
and it's called the M15.

And, unusually for one
of these small manufacturers,

new doesn't mean
reheated leftovers.

It's got a new interior,
a new body, new chassis.

This really is brand new.

It's still got Noble written
all over it.

It's low, it's mid-engined
and it's fast.

I can tell when I'm really
hammering it because
the rev needle

turns from blue to red.
Look at that!

This is the most
powerful Noble ever,

with 450 brake horsepower
from the twin turbo V6.

Nought to 60
takes 3.9 seconds.

Top speed? 196.

Now, the previous Noble,
the M12,

was a real "wham, bam,
thank you, ma'am,"

punch in the back.
And this, though,
it's a more civilised surge.

But that's not surprising
because the M15

is supposed to be
more civilised,
more grown up.

On the outside all the mad
boy racer spoilers have gone.

It's a much more
restrained car.

And on the inside,
instead of
track day harnesses

and fire extinguishers,

you get air conditioning,
sat nav,

and that most
modern of features,
a boot.

You get more of everything,

but then it costs more money:
£75,000.

Which means the M15, designed
in a shed in Leicester,

is going head-to-head with
the mighty Porsche 911.

Basically, Noble
has got ambitions.

And when small car companies
get ambitious,

that's usually a big worry.

HAMMOND: It's easy
for a small car company

to build
a hardcore track day car.

Just get a big engine and
some scaffolding.

But it's much
harder to build one

that you can
live with every day,

rain, shine or snow.

Nevertheless, Noble has
stepped out onto
the tightrope,

and I'm happy to report
they haven't fallen off.

The handling is absolutely

superb!

Turn it and it just grips and
grips and grips.

And then there's
a tiny little bit
of understeer

to tell you you're being
a bit of a spanner.

It just keeps on gripping.

But that's not to say this
is boring. Oh, no!
Not by any means.

When you wanna have fun

you can have
any amount of it.
This is amazing.

Well, it's still
a proper Noble.

And yet for all that, the ride
is perfectly comfortable.

The M15 really is the sort of
sports car you
could use every day.

This car is bigger, comfier.

There's enough noise,
but I'm not being deafened.

Enough power,
but I can cope with it.

It really is like a 911.

But what amazes me is that
a few men in Leicester,

have achieved
something that Porsche

needs a cast of
thousands to do.

And the reason I think Noble
have pulled it off

is because they've kept
everything simple.

If I was in a TVR now,

the indicators would
be on the ceiling

and the switches would be
made of kryptonite,

and the doors
would open inwards
on a dodecahedral hinge.

But, no, if I pull up in
a Noble, the door is just
a door,

that opens sort
of door-ishly.

Everything is where
it should be

and how it should be.

HAMMOND: And by biting off
only what they can chew,

Noble have made a car
that is quite simply

brilliant.

HAMMOND: Wow!
CLARKSON: I'll tell you...

It's one hell of a car, this.
I have to say.

-It's just a shame
I didn't drive it.
-You didn't.

And you're not
going to now, either,

because it's time
to put it in the hands

of our
tame racing driver.

Some say that his first name
really is "The,"

and that if he went
on Celebrity Love Island

they'd all be pregnant,
including the cameramen.

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

HAMMOND: And he's off.
Smoking the tyres,

but then it soon digs in.

Plenty of traction there
as he blasts up towards
the first corner.

Here we go. Ooh, little
correction on the way in.

But he's holding it steady
now... Hard on the power to
push him out the other side.

MAN ON TAPE:
You have a beautiful home.

HAMMOND: Hasn't Stig
mastered Greek yet?

Well, he's mastered Chicago.
Looking very neat.

Now kicking the tail wide.
Ooh, very dramatic.

Now, Hammerhead.
Expecting good things here.

So much poise and
grip with this car.

Flicking it right.
A little bit of understeer.

But he's on top of that,
and that is beautifully done.

Out the other side...
Whoa, Stig!

MAN ON TAPE:
There's no toilet paper.

HAMMOND: Now, really winding
it up now for
the Follow Through.

This car has more torque
than previous Nobles
in any gear.

It just goes.
And look at that!

Very fast, two corners to go.

Right on the edge, here. Ooh!

Just Gambon left now.

Chucks it in.

Oh, no, he's on the grass.

And across the line...

-That looked great.

-Oh, yeah. Well, we'll see.
-It really did.

It's so absolutely...

Yeah, it did.
Well,

it did it in one minute

twenty

two...

-You're now gonna be
able to reach then.
- ...point...

Point five.

-Which is phenomenal.
-CLARKSON: My God!

-That puts it
right the way up there.
-In there. Let me help you.

So that it's faster
than a 430 Ferrari,
faster than a Murcielago,

faster than a standard Zonda.

That is incredible. I mean,
look at it. It's like
this Corvette, the Z06.

-It's one of those
giant killers.
-Absolutely.

What I want to know is...

There's the old Noble, okay?

Why is that one
so much faster?

I mean,
why's it got more power?

-'Cause it's the same engine.
-Yeah.

Well, basically
in the old one,

that V6 was mounted sideways
in the car

which meant there was
only room for the gearbox
of a Mondeo.

-Basically.
-Oh, God, yeah.

You can only put so much
power through it.
They've turned it round

mounted it lengthwise.
They've been able
to put their own

custom-built gearbox on it,

and get more power out,
turn the turbos up.

-And you get better cooling.
-Yeah. It's easier to mount
to the cooler.

Well, that's brilliant.
And now we've got to move on

because it's time
to put a star

in our
reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight
is a huge star and a cockney.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
on to your plates of meat

and open your mince pies

because he's here in...
Wait a minute.

The Phil Collins

su-su-studio.

That's not working, is it?
It's making a complete
hash of this.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
he's the meanest, coolest act
working in Britain today,

Ray Winstone!

-Oh, yeah!

-Love the look. How are you?
Good to see you, mate.
-I'm all right.

-Have a seat.
-Thank you.

-Thank you.
-That's a welcome!

Ah, you know.

I paid them enough.

Now, you're a man who says
you don't like the trappings
of show business.

We tend not to give you any.

Well, I do like the trappings
of show business.

-Oh, do you? I apologise.
-Yeah, you certainly
haven't given me any.

-No.

It's the air-conditioning,
the worst thing.

Well, they're saying
it's like cold inside there.

I just wanted to go
and have a wash.
Have you seen the khazi here?

Yeah, I was hoping you
wouldn't need that.

No, well... I didn't use it.

You are an East End boy.

Yeah, I am. I'm out of
Plaistow in West Ham.

Presumably, half
the people you were
at school with

are all in clink. Shortly...

No, not really. I mean,
there's a lot of boys
we used to go boxing with.

One of them is
Tony Marchant,

who's one of the top
writers in this country,
you know.

There's Glen Murphy,
who's an actor,
you know, so there's...

I forgotten you did boxing.
Didn't you box for England?

I boxed kind of
at the novice level
for England.

I boxed against Wales
a couple of times.

-How many fights did you have?
-Eighty-eight.

-Eighty-eight?
-Yeah. I won one. Yeah.

So how did you get
from kind of East End boxing

that whole thing,
to a drama school?

Well, my mum and dad,
they moved out
of Plaistow

'cause Dad was in
the fruit game.

And they moved to Edmonton,
Enfield, around that area,

and I went to school there
and done the school play.

Which I think, my mum
looked at and thought,
"There's a way for him out,"

you know, no getting
into trouble and all that
sort of stuff

and she put me
in a drama school,
which I...

I wanted to do and
I lasted a year there.

What did you get expelled for?

Well, there's a lot
of snobbery in my game,
Jeremy, um...

And I was looked at, I think,
as a bit of a danger
to the other kids.

I mean, before I had elocution
lessons, you should've
heard me.

-Really?

I was a bit
of a toe rag, you know?

-No!
-And I sabotaged a car.

-I put tacks in...
-Whose?

The headmistress.

-And I got grassed by someone
from West London, obviously...
-Tacks in the tyres?

-West London!
-Yeah. And I was
thrown out the school.

But looking back at it,
quite rightly so, you know.

-Could've been a dangerous
thing, couldn't it?
-Mmm-hmm.

Well, at least you talk
proper now.

-Yeah, I do.
-That's the important thing.

-I'm a proper actor now,
aren't I?
-Yeah, well, exactly.

-You always play a villain.
-I don't.

Well, I mean, Henry VIII,
he was a villain.

Henry VIII was probably
the biggest gangster
there'd ever been.

He made England
what it is today.

I'd have
Elizabeth I for that one.

-Well, you know, I mean,
fantastic...
-Same stock.

Well, you know, it was my kid,
loved her.
She's proper.

Didn't you used to work
in the flower market?
Was it the flower market?

No, the fruit market. I worked
in Spitalfields with my dad.

My dad was a greengrocer.

-I thought your dad was
a cab driver.
-No, he's a cab driver now.

There's a great story
about him. You know,
cab driver stories, right?

I never looked at my dad
as being gullible
but he stood for this one.

And he says, "Yeah..."
We're standing in the pub
and he's telling me this story

about this fella who came out
of the Dorchester one day

and hailed a cab
and the taxi said,

"Where do you want to go?"
And he said, "Berlin."

He said, "I've missed the
flights. I can't get there.
I need to go to Berlin.

"I want you to take me
down to Dover, on the boat.
Bosh.

"Go through France,
take me to Berlin.
I need to get there."

So the cab driver done that.

And he's got to Berlin, and as
he dropped the fella off
he's paid him in readies,

and as the cab
driver was about
to turn away and come home,

a fella came
out of the hotel and said,

"Mate, can you take me
to London?"

And my dad believed that.

-Yeah.
-Let's talk about cars, okay?

You're a Jag man, yeah?

I've never been really that
mad on cars.

I've always had old bangers
all my life and, uh...

But as a kid, the car
at the time
was the E-Type Jag.

-It still is.
-Well, you know,
it's a fantastic tool.

-'Cause in the past,
the E-Type was a pretty thing.
-Yeah.

But they still have
that Arthur Daley, you know...

It's a getaway car, a Jag.

Well, I think so.
It's always had
that sexiness about it, innit?

I know, exactly. In the back.
-Crombies. Nice Crombie
and all that.

Yeah, the swag in the boot.

I can never work
that one out because

near where I live,
there's a humpback bridge

that goes over a station,
which is quite humpy,
all right?

And my mate didn't know,
he was driving my old Jag,

and we went flying
over the humpback

and it hit the floor
and it switched off.

The whole car switched off.

There was a fellow following
us behind in a van who
I happened to know.

He said, "What's the matter?"
I said, "He's killed the car."

He said, "No, he ain't."
He said, "There's a button
at the bottom of a Jag

-"and it's a switch-off thing.
So if you have a crash...
-Yeah.

"...it switches itself off."

Which is no good if
you're a bank robber.

It ain't, is it?
I mean...

You're in a 100-mile chase
with the old bill
up your backsides,

and you happen to hit the kerb
or something and
the car switches off,

you're really in trouble.

Anyway, your lap. How was it?

Oh, I loved it.

And I'm not
a fast driver, really.

'Cause I'm driving
the kids about.

And going around with Stig,
he's a really good teacher.

-I mean...
-Everybody says that.

As long as you listen
to him. You've got
to listen to the guy.

And really,
in the end I was loving it.

Shall we have
a look at your, well...
On egg bap?

-Oh, what's that?
-Rhyming slang.
Thought I'd drop it in.

-Was that a northern one?
-Lap.

Lap! Oh, right. Thank you.

-Are we ready? Play the tape.
-Yeah, go on.

CLARKSON: Now, you see?
Was that nice?

WINSTONE: It was all right,
wasn't it?

CLARKSON: Good wheel
spin start.

Ooh, that's looking good.

-He's tidy through...
-There's my baby.

CLARKSON: That's a good look
you got on your face there.

-Was that acting
or was that real?
-WINSTONE: Yeah, acting.

-That was me...myself really!

Let's go.
Put it in fourth gear down.

CLARKSON: But not looking
at the gear lever,

that is the important thing
we've discovered.

-Oh, it's gone a bit wide.
-WINSTONE: A bit wide,
wasn't it?

-CLARKSON: Still,
better than Jenson.
-Oh, was it?

Nigel Mansell?
Eat your heart out, son.

CLARKSON: Now this is
the tricky one.

This is where you make...
Oh, across.
That's very dangerous.

-WINSTONE: Is it?
-...lift off the accelerator.
You're all right, my son.

Yee-ha!

CLARKSON: There's a man...
Oh, my God,
that's cut that corner nicely.

Are we on the grass there?
Yes, but back on.
Coming into Gambon.

That is very nicely done.
Well, then, here we are,
across the line.

-Nice one!

Very nice.

Where do you think
you've come?

I don't know, because I think
my time was all right.

I thought I was going really
fast but, um...

Above Coogan anyway.

-CLARKSON: Above Coogan?
-Yeah.

-How can I break it to you?
-Oh, I never...

-I didn't beat Coogan?
-One minute

-51.4.
-What's that then?

-Well, it's there, I'm afraid.
-Ah, then Coogan beat me.

But give him
a round of applause anyway.

And I'll tell you
what I'll do, hang on.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm gonna put "hot" on it.

Thank you.

I'm gonna put "hot" on it
because we've decided

-that... We didn't tell
Jenson Button this.
-Yeah. Yeah.

-We wanted to humiliate him.
-Right.

But we've decided
that hot days
cause the cars to be slower.

-Oh, I think that's true.

Thought you would.

I don't feel too bad, because
haven't you just spent the
year snogging Angelina Jolie?

No, only a day.

Oh, I'm sorry!

It felt like a year.
No, it was fantastic.

I came home to my wife
after the night of doing it.
It was in Los Angeles,

and she don't usually ask me
what I've done.

She said,
"What's the matter, babe?"

I said, "I've had a bit
of a...day, babe."

She said, "What?
What's the matter?"

I said,
"I've spent the whole day...
I had to snog her all day."

I said,
"I've spent the whole day...
I had to snog her all day."
"Who?" "Angelina Jolie."
She said,
"Well, someone's got to."

"Who?" "Angelina Jolie."
She said,
"Well, someone's got to."

-It's got to be Brad!
-She's a great girl.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Ray Winstone!
-Thank you.

-Thank you, Jeremy.
-Ray Winstone.
Thank you so much.

Right. Now, earlier in
the show, we road-tested
three vans.

And proved that we know
absolutely nothing
about the subject.

No, nothing.
So the producers came up
with a plan.

They said
the only way to learn

about vans is to actually
go out, buy one and run it.

Yeah, so they gave each of us
£1,000 and

told us to buy a van,
sign-write the side

with our company name,

and then report to
the Top Gear test track here

for a number of challenges.

CLARKSON: Because I know
so little about vans,

I did what Hammond had done
in the earlier test.

Played it safe
and bought myself
a Ford Transit.

Long wheel-base, 2.5-litre
diesel engine, only
done 77,000 miles.

Apparently. And do you know
how much I paid for it?
800 quid.

CLARKSON: James, meanwhile,
had stuck to his theory of
biggest is best

and bought a huge LDV
box van.

James, are you filming with us
today or are you moving house?

CLARKSON: James, however, was
more bothered
about my sign-writing.

What have you
done with that sign?

"Top Gear Furriers."

-MAY: Couriers.
-Oh. Couriers. It's Top...
I may have...

Oh, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

God, that's a stuperb thing!

-It's brilliant.
-It's not bad.

-And how much was it?
-950 quid.

-Now we have to wait for Bob
the Builder, really, don't we?
-Mmm.

-CLARKSON: Who eventually
did arrive.

Did you wash it on too hot
a setting?

I have to leave
that wound up there 'cause...

-I see what you've done.
-...I ran out of space.

Well, you would!

It's a Suzuki Super Carry.

-Super Carry?
-Super Carry.

Optimistic title.

-It's basically...
-Like a supermarket
and a supertanker.

It's basically
a Bedford Rascal.

-Yeah.
-It's got nearly
a 900cc engine.

-Uh-huh.
-Naught to 60 in 18,
19 seconds.

I would imagine
that's quicker than mine.

CLARKSON: Well, let's see,
because it's time to get on
with the challenges.

Here it is.
The first instruction
of the day.

"We start with something
with which you
should be familiar.

"A quarter-mile drag race.
Who's got the fastest van?"

MAY: What's that actually got
to do with anything?

-CLARKSON: You're gonna
come last.

CLARKSON: Actually,
there is a point.

A self-employed van driver
can't afford to waste his day

with a tool that isn't
quick enough.

Mid-engine is right here,
which gives me

perfect weight distribution.

So, dynamically,
I'm already ahead.

CLARKSON: I wasn't expecting
much oomph,

unlike our cameraman,
who's used to filming

much faster stuff than this.

I'm no match for hamster.
Look at his postage stamp go!

It's probably the best part
of 50 brake horsepower.

I'm just leaving them
for dead.

CLARKSON: James and I have
the same 2.5-litre Ford engine

but he had more weight.

Goodbye, mate!

Come on!

Yeah!
I'm gonna pass the finishing
line and I'm doing nearly 60!

Second! Average.

CLARKSON: James came in
noisy last in motorsport's
slowest-ever drag race.

And Hammond had won it,
which seemed to please him.

Ooh! Where did that come from?

CLARKSON: Then it was
time for challenge number two.

"A good van driver must be
able to load his van

"as quickly and efficiently
as possible.

"You must now
fill your vehicles
with a selection of cargo

"and deliver it safely
to the drop-off. You will be
racing each other."

I hope it's a really big pile
of stuff.

I don't like manual labour.

MAY: Our cargo included
all the bits and bobs

a man in a van might be
expected to carry.

Everything from vases
to expensive works of art,

and from double mattresses
to illegal immigrants.

HAMMOND: Three, two, one, go!

There may be issues here.

CLARKSON: Richard really did
have a size problem, and his
van was pretty small, as well.

CLARKSON: Painted by
Ronnie Shepherd.

HAMMOND: James was
having problems
with his illegal immigrant.

Come on. Just...

HAMMOND: So he decided
to employ him.

Meanwhile, Jeremy was being
as practical as ever.

Oh! Oh, that's...

-Just mind that.

HAMMOND: Ugh!

Who says that loading a van
is a slow process?

That didn't break.
That didn't break.
Yes, it did. That did.

How do you say, "You go in the
front," in Albanian?

Get in the back,
hide under the mattress.

And you owe me 20 grand.

I'm done.

CLARKSON: Hold tight!

CLARKSON: James had, indeed,
set off first. But the winner
was the first across the line

and then get his
van unloaded.

So, I hatched
a dastardly plan.

CLARKSON: Unload that, May!

Empty!
I think I've won something!

CLARKSON: Cannily, James
had driven
a few feet forwards,

so he could unload.

But he was still having
trouble with his immigrant.

He, therefore, finished
second. And Hammond? Well,
he looked ridiculous,

and he was last.

MAY: I tell you what, though.
CLARKSON: What?

We're no worse than the last
removal people I used.

CLARKSON: So, the next
challenge, then.

Here we go, "Possibly the most
important skill

"a van driver must have is
the ability to sit right on
the tail of the car in front.

"So, each of you must now
drive up the runway and get
as close as possible

"to the bumper of a
lane-hogger in front,

"without touching.
The closer you get,
the more points you get."

MAY: Hammond went first,
with Jeremy and I
posing as the lane-hoggers.

-Right, 40... Set.
-Here he comes.

MAY: We would measure the gap
between us using
a special laser

mounted on the back
of the car.

This will be quite easy in my
van because, of course, it's
got a completely flat front.

So, basically,
I just keep going until
my knees touch the back.

It's like being followed
by a small insect.

-And he's not frightening me!

He's 31.9 millimetres away,

-which is a vast,
yawning chasm!
-It is!

You could park a bus
in that gap, Hammond!

-MAY: Hammond responded.
-18.9.

-10.34 millimetres. Oh!
-He did a 10.3!

HAMMOND: Next, it was Jeremy
with 10.3 millimetres to beat.

Here he comes. Here he comes.
Now that's a familiar
sight on a road, isn't it?

Seventy millimetres.
Sixty millimetres.

This is the problem
with a Transit is you
cannot see

where the front is.
You just can't.
There's nothing!

What's he doing?

CLARKSON: With most of my
torso out of the window,
I had a much clearer view.

BOTH: Now, he's hit us.

-He's hit us quite...
Naught. That's not.
-Naught.

He must have bent the bumper
slightly, 'cause it went
to minus 6 millimetres.

CLARKSON: Finally, it was
James' turn

and he had an even bigger
problem than me.

I can't catch up.

-What's it saying? Does it
measure it in miles?
-Well...

Come on!

We are going to
run out of runway

before James gets
anywhere near us.

MAY: I really can't terrorise
them at this rate.

HAMMOND: Captain Slow,
living up to his name there.

And now, the next challenge.

"Van drivers never waste their
profits on
vehicle maintenance,

"so you must now each
change the front
door of your own van.

"You'll be racing
against each other."

-That's more manual labour.
-Yes, it is.

-PRODUCER: Three, two,
one, go!
-Right.

-Can I be excused this?
-MAY: Oh, look.

CLARKSON: The producers
said no,

so while the others set
to work with spanners,

I broke out my ingenuity.

James, can I borrow your van?

CLARKSON: Think that
did the trick.

That's off!

CLARKSON: Soon, we were all
trying to attach
the new doors,

with varying degrees
of intelligence.

It's impossible!

Yeah!

HAMMOND: I was the first
to finish
without using Sellotape.

CLARKSON: Is the door
in place?
HAMMOND: Go and open it.

-What?
-Go and open it.

It doesn't say anything
about opening it.
It said put a new door.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

HAMMOND: James, meanwhile,
was taking so long
that he ran out of time.

-I was about to finish.
-No, you weren't! You were
fiddling with your spanners,

polishing them.

He'd given them all names.
"This is Jeffrey,
Ian, Steven."

Get on with it.

Right. "Thieving Ian will now
attempt to break into the back
doors of your vans.

"The longer it
takes him, the more
points you get."

Three, two, one, go.

HAMMOND: Don't knock it over!

CLARKSON: Thieving Ian is
Top Gear's tame car thief and,
by the looks of it,

not a very good one.

You know, what he's done is
he's pushed the lock
into the thing.

That's quite funny.

-He's really quite
stumped by yours.
-Unbeatable, you see.

It's small.

Why don't you just pick
the van up and put it in
your pocket?

By now,
the police would be here,

he'd be in prison
and then let out again.

-He's defeated by the van.
-He's defeated at one minute.

Three, two, one, go.

HAMMOND: Is that
technically not cheating?

People say car thieves are
very clever these days, but
this one isn't, is he?

HAMMOND: Oh! Oh!

-MAY: He's in!

-I've got 34 seconds.
34 seconds for
the Transit to withstand

the world's most
useless burglar.

Three, two, one, go.

There's a lot of Transits
around. It's important to see
how easy it is to get in.

-That was 10 seconds.
-He walked up and it opened.

This is it.
It's the final challenge.

"It's a game of
cops and robbers

"round the Top Gear
short circuit.

"You start,
then 20 seconds later a
police car will give chase.

"The person who
stays in front
the longest wins."

Who's driving the police car?

Says here it's
Detective Inspector Stig!

CLARKSON: Stig would be
driving a standard

1.6-litre Vauxhall
Astra panda car.

A Bugatti Veyron
compared to our vans.

HAMMOND: Jeremy went first.

This is exciting!

MAY: There goes Fingers
Clarkson with his haul!

Okay, now in the 1970s,

80% of all bank jobs

featured a Ford Transit van
as a getaway vehicle.

HAMMOND: Twenty seconds later,
Stig of the Yard set off.

Through the Follow Through.
Oh, yes!

Oh, the door's gone!
My door's gone!

He looks such a pillock!

CLARKSON: Shedding weight,
however, was good.

Detective Inspector Stig,
well behind.

The finish line was in sight.
Marbella, here I come!

Oh, no! No!

HAMMOND: Police Stig!

CLARKSON: No! No! No!

CLARKSON: I didn't make it.

That was excellent.
That was worthy of The Bill.

CLARKSON: Next up, James Kray!

-He's caught him!

What a majestic sight.

Off goes Police Stig!

I've made the Hammerhead.

-HAMMOND: Has James ever gone
round the Hammerhead?
-No.

MAY: Braking. Braking hard.

MAY: Well, he's got me!
HAMMOND: It's all over!

I'll come cleanly.
It's a fair cop!

CLARKSON: He did better
than I thought.

-You might do quite well here.
-Yeah!

Yeah!

-Short wheel-base.
-Just like a little rocket.

HAMMOND: So, first corner.
Now, it's mid-engine.

I reckon I'm going to give it
a bit of the old
Scandinavian flick.

He's rolled it!
He's rolled it over!

-He's out! He's lost.
-That means I'm second!

So, um... He could be dead.

Well, there's a police car at
the scene of the accident,
so...

If he is dead, and you fancy
a job on Top Gear,
why not write to us at:

"I'm better than
Richard Hammond
was..."

I may have
over-cooked that a bit.

BBC Wood Lane, London,
W12 7TS.

Whoo!

Boom!

Right!
It is time to add up the
scores and see who's won.

Yep, now, we've already
filled in the scores
for the drag race,

the loading and the thief
test. The tailgating, though,
is where it gets tricky.

You get a point
for every centimetre under...

-Every centimetre
under 10 centimetres.
-Right.

So I was minus a half.

Richard, you were nine.
And, James, you were
minus 4 million.

HAMMOND: Yeah.

-What? Hang on a minute.

I lose 4 million points
for not tailgating?

That's exactly right.

And you don't get anything
for the door challenge,

'cause you were still
naming all your spanners.
Who won that one?

It was me!
I won the door challenge.

Hang on! You put that on
with gaffer tape.

So? The whole British Army is
held together
with gaffer tape.

Jeremy, it didn't open.
And if something doesn't open,
it's not a door.

-MAY: He's right.
-It did open.

-It didn't.
-It did when it fell off.

He can't claim that!

All right.
Who here thinks Jeremy won
with the door?

Who thinks Jeremy won that?
Hands up.

Who thinks I won, fitting my
door on with bolts? Everybody.

-One for me!

You lost.

You did. You lost.

Fair enough. I'm not sore.

-Plenty more ground here.
We're three. So you get three.
-And you get nought.

I don't know why
you're gloating
Nought Man! And I get two.

Now, the police chase.

That would be
a big three for me.
James you did well, two.

-And you, one.
-One?

-Your van rolled over.
-I could've been killed!

-So? You'd have still lost.
-Exactly!

Exactly. And now we've got
to add these up.

So, it's five, six,
five and a half,
seven and a half,

ten and a half. Okay?

Richard, three, four...
Wait a minute.

Stretching you, this,
isn't it?

Twenty. Okay?

And, James, you're two, three,
four, five, six, seven...

3 million...

Sorry, minus 3,999,993.

-HAMMOND: Yeah. It didn't go
well for you, did it?
-Is what you scored.

-You're not going well.
-However, there was
one more challenge,

because
the producers told us to put

a "man with a van"
type ad in a newspaper each.

And that we would each
get one point

for every response
we got from our ad.

Yes, we did.
So, James, what was
your advert?

My ad was:

"Man with van. LDV Convoy with
fully-functioning automatic
door system.

-"Driven by steady, sensitive,
classically-trained pianist."
-HAMMOND: Nice.

Pretty good.
Remember, it's one
point for each reply.

A chance for you to claw back
some points, here, James.
How many replies?

-None.
-HAMMOND: Right.

So you're pretty much out.

Richard, your ad was...

My ad ran like this:

"Driver with van. Surprisingly
spacious. Would suit anyone
who lives at narrow street.

"Speedy delivery guaranteed
thanks to F1-style mid-engine
layout." Which it's got.

-Which it has.
-No denying that.
How many replies?

-One.
-One.

So you actually now get 21.

I think this "man with a van"
malarkey is not as well-paid
as we might have imagined.

-It's not brilliant, is it?
-Not really.

-Come on. Let's hear it.
-So...

Mine. Ah, yeah,
very quickly,
very simple.

"Man with van. Classic Ford
Transit. Well-ventilated."

It had no door on it!

Well-ventilated!

"Willing driver,
slightly bad back."

Right, okay. So let me
just work this out
a minute.

Hammond's in the lead,
but if you get more than
10 and a half replies,

you'll have won.

Eleven and a half replies.

-Eleven and a half replies.
-And you got?

-None.
-Yes! I win!

-It's me! Thank you!

And the really
good thing is,

that this means all future
van tests in future
will be done by you.

-I don't want to.
-Yeah.

Then I'm gonna do
the super cars from now on,

although that is a way off,

because this is the last
programme in the series.

Sorry about that, but we will
see you again in the autumn.

Thank you so much
for watching. Good night.