Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Top Gear Sets a World Record with an F1 Car - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:
Tonight, we drive
a Formula One car indoors.

Hannibal Lecter is in
our Reasonably Priced Car.

And we go
on a caravan holiday.

-MAY: It's not wide enough.

Hello. Now, this
is a Ford Mondeo,
but don't turn over,

because it's the three litre
V6 version.

And more than that,

we think it's one of Britain's
most underrated cars.

CLARKSON: It may be
a familiar shape,

but if you actually stop
and look at it,

it's very well proportioned
and rather handsome.



And, my God,
it drives well.

Does a 151 miles an hour.

The steering's brilliant,

the ride's spot on,
it's practical,

it's well equipped
and it only costs £24,000.

And actually, if you haggle,

you'll get one
for a lot less than that.

Every time I drive
one of these things,

-I always get out thinking,

"Why do we buy anything else?"

Of course, you might think
it's a bit common,

but I'll let you into
a little secret.

Last year, the BMW 3 series
outsold the Ford Mondeo,

so that makes
this more exclusive.



CLARKSON: Actually,
this particular model,
the ST220,

is one of
the most exclusive cars
in the world.

This chart shows that
in 2005, in Britain,

Aston Martin sold 1,050 DB9s.

So, how many Mondeo ST220s
do you suppose Ford shifted?

No, you're wrong. 903.

That means that this
is a rarer car than that.

CLARKSON: If it's exclusivity
you want, though,

then you also
have to consider this.

If it said,

"Ferrari Snort Thruster X1"
on the back,

it would sell by the million.

But it doesn't.

What it actually says
is Mazda 6.

And that means
this is likely to be

the slowest-selling
consumer good

since Philips launched
the laser disc.

It's called the MPS

and what it's got
is a 2.3 litre
turbo charged engine,

that develops a whopping
256 brake horsepower.

Quick car.

CLARKSON: That means
this sensible four-door
saloon car

will get from 0-60
in six and a half seconds.

It isn't as practical
as the Ford,

and with that
low-rent radiator grille,

it's not
as good looking either,

but to drive,
it's even better.

Oh, yes.

Right, let's stick it
into the hammerhead,
see what's what.

Away we go...

Back coming round nicely.

Little bit of power.

That's very good.

And you don't have to
worry about all the oomph
making the chassis go

and fall to pieces

because it's got
four wheel drive.

I have driven
£100,000 coupes

that are less fun than this.

Handily, I have another chart

here under
the Top Gear gazebo,

where I can actually
quantify this amazingness.

What we've got here
is the Mazda

and a BMW 318 M Sport.

Now, they both
four-door saloons,

they about the same size

and they critically
costs around £23,000,

but look at the figures.

Brake horsepower
for the BMW, 129.

For the Mazda, 256.

Top speed for the BM, 130.

For the Mazda, 150.

In every way,
the Mazda is better.

And look at this, 0-60,
10 seconds for the BMW,

6.5 for the Mazda.

Why would anyone
buy the BMW?

CLARKSON: So,
maybe at this point,
you're quite tempted

by the value you get
from a car
with a rubbish badge.

Maybe you're wondering
which of these two is best.

Well, hold on,

because there's a third way.

Yes, it's the Vauxhall Vectra,

one of my least favourite cars
in the world.

I've always hated it
because I've always felt

it was designed
on a coffee break

by people who couldn't
care less about cars.

What I could do
with at this point is

some kind of chart, perhaps,
to explain how far I'd go

to not have a Vauxhall Vectra
in my life.

Oh, look, much like...
Much like this one.

Uh, that's the Top Gear
test track,

and I'd go to San Francisco

to avoid, let's say
something like dinner
with Bill Oddie.

But to, uh,
avoid the Vectra,

I'd go quite a lot further.

Um, I'd certainly come
over here.

And I'd go over these, uh,

oh, hang on...
over these logs.

Yeah, I'd do that.

Um, and then down here.

Past the moons of Jupiter.
Can you see those?

I'd go that far.

Right to the edge
of the solar system.

This is how far I would go

to not drive a Vectra.

CLARKSON: This one, though,
has huge exhaust
sticking out of the back,

massive tyres
and outrageous bucket seats.

So maybe
it's a little bit different.

Well, it doesn't feel
particularly exciting,

I have to say,
it doesn't have the poise
or the delicacy of the Ford,

or the joie de vivre
of the Mazda.

CLARKSON: But it does have
a party piece.

The Mazda and the Ford
are pretty quick,

but watch this.

The Vectra
is phenomenally fast.

Flat out, this is quicker
than an AMG Mercedes,

it's quicker than a BMW M5.

And it only costs £21,000.

A 161-mile-an-shour Vectra,

that's like watching
someone from Weight Watchers
do the four-minute mile.

In fact, I'm just thinking

how many four-door saloon cars
are actually faster than this?

There's a couple
of Bentleys,

there's
the Maserati Quattroporte
and the Maybach.

And that's it.

CLARKSON: So there we are,
the fifth fastest saloon car
that money can buy

is a Vauxhall Vectra.

But that is not
the end of the story,

because there's a price to pay
for all the speed.

Catastrophic understeer.

CLARKSON: Oh, that's a lock,
that's bad.

That's not good.

Look at that.
Now, straight on.

So that's useless, then.
I'll just drive it like this.

That's appalling!

This has to be one
of the worst chassis
I've ever, ever come across.

There's only one word
to describe this car,

it begins in S, ends in T
and it isn't soot.

So, it's fairly
terrible, then?

No, no, no.
Losing your leg
is fairly terrible.

-This, honestly, I'm tempted
to even call it dangerous.

Al right,
if you're driving around
on a track

with the traction control off,
going "power!", then maybe.

But what if, I don't know,
what if you wanted
to drive around normally?

Well, then it would
just be a Vectra

and that would be
even worse.

-Good point.
-No honestly,
what we gotta do now,

is put this round our track,
see how fast it is,

of course, that means,
handing it over to
our tame racing driver.

Now, some say
he invented Branston pickle.

And that
if you insult his mother,

he will headbutt you
in the chest.

All we know is
he's called The Stig.

CLARKSON: Away he goes,
traction control off,
of course

and that means
acres of wheel spin,

but it's the corners
where this thing
gets really hairy.

First one now,
loads of tyre squeal,

you see,
look, it's dragging wide,

almost onto the grass there.

MAN ON RADIO:
How much is the cheese?

Ah, now,
The Stig's learning
Greek this week.

CLARKSON: Here he is.
Look at the understeer,
constantly slewing off line...

He's off the track!

That's a new one there.

Okay, into Hammerhead,

this is the real
understeer test.

Surely the VXR
will be dreadful.

Yes, look, I mean,
this is The Stig,

even he is struggling
to stop it ploughing off-line.

Tyres smoking with pain,
just missed that.

MAN: Can I hire a car?

CLARKSON: If you hired
one of these,

I recommend you take it back
and get a Hyundai.

That's through Follow-through,
chance to use
the Vectra's power now

to claw back some time.

Looking pretty brisk
through the tyres,

two corners left,
still wrestling
every inch the way,

there's only so much
even The Stig can do.

Look at this. Here he is,
into Gambon,
smoking off the tyres!

And across the line.

There, you see.

All that power
and that phenomenal
top speed

and it did it
in one minute 35.3.

-So it's...

That's officially rubbish.

And earlier on today,
we sent The Stig out
in the other two cars. Okay?

Now, the Mondeo,
which is there,

was nearly a second faster

and the Mazda was
three seconds faster.

There you go,
buy the Mazda.

Hmm, not so sure.

Think I'd still have the Ford,
to be honest.

I mean,
I like the Mazda very much,

but I don't know

that I could live
with that radiator grille.

You're gonna say,
you're not gonna have
the best car here

because of
the radiator grille?

No, it's like you know,
you meet the best girl
you've ever met,

she's charming, she's witty,
she's funny, she's clever,
she's pretty,

but she's got a beard.

That's what.
I thought, you were gonna say

"But she's got
a really unattractive
radiator grille."

Well, no, that would
have been ridiculous.

So, I am gonna say,
let's do the news.

Yes, the news.
And I am very excited
about this.

It's the Dodge Challenger.

Now, this started life
as a concept car,

but they've announced
this week that they are
going to be making it.

Probably only in America
and not until 2008,

don't know the prices yet,
but it will have
a 6.1 litre Hemi V8.

And it'll be rubbish.

How can you possibly know?

You haven't driven it.
They haven't built it yet.

Because it's American.

All American cars
are rubbish.

I was over there
the other day,

and I drove that
Chrysler 300C SRT8.

-Have we got
a picture... That thing.
-Yes.

-Appalling in every way.
-HAMMOND: Why?

-Well because, It's a 300C,
which we hate, yeah.
-Not very good, granted.

And then they have gone
and put a Saturn V rocket
in it without doing anything

to the brakes
or the suspension
or anything.

It's dreadful.

No, you see,
what you're doing there
is talking rubbish.

It's got the same
Hemi V8 in it,
it's a muscle car.

Come on, you love...
It's a proper
American muscle car.

-This Dodge, have a look
at the Dodge.
-It's manure.

-It's not.
-It is.

-Have you driven it?
-I want to see
my Challenger again.

There, look,
it's got a massive engine,
it'll make the right noise...

That, that is a muscle car.

It's a BMW M6,
they've just lopped
the roof off it, okay?

500 brake horsepower.

It is not as simple as that.

Actually that's
too complicated, that thing.

It's a computer,
it's got seven gearboxes.

Listen, listen,
that thing, okay,

is like that ape
that came to Wimbledon.

What are you talking about?

That is big ape
in the Final?

Nadal.

Loping around...

He was loping
around the court

like something out of
a PG Tips advert.

Now that is Federer, okay?

And Federer kicked
the ape's arse.

Yes, but hang on, you fool.

We're talking about
muscle cars, that is not a...

-It's a great car,
it's agile...
-What about that...

Look at that,
it's a new Jag.
Tim Henman.

-MAY: No, that doesn't work.
-HAMMOND: That's not working.
No.

MAY: That doesn't work
at all.

-That's the new
supercharged Jag, okay?
-Yes.

XKR, well, it's 69,000 quid,
420 brake horsepower.

-It would eat this.
-No, look, no...

-You do not give
muscle cars...
-And it's those wheels...

Stop, stop, stop.

Stop.

-We've stopped.

You're both wrong.

What you actually want,
I'm afraid, is this.

-This is the revised...

MAY: If I may.

That's the revised
Daihatsu Copen

and in your tennising analogy,
you made, that,

that is the ball.

That is 660 cc's of flexing,
micro Japanese sinew.

I'd rather ride around on a
lawnmower than in that thing.

I think for...
For one thing, for you,

you would look
such a spanner in that.

No, I wouldn't.

You would. Because you'd
be sticking up above it

with your big floppy hair
like a spaniel.

Never ever, ever, ever,
ever drive a car

that you are taller than,
when you're sitting in it,

than it is long. You'll look
like Noddy with bad hair.

-You will look like a clown.
-Okay, remind me.

Who were the last
four teams in the World Cup?

All European.

Women's finalists
at Wimbledon?

Both European.

Men's finalists,
both European.

Everything any one ever does

in any walk of life
is better done by Europeans,

and it's the same with cars.

Granted. Apart from
with American muscle cars
which only the Americans...

Why would you want
an American muscle car?

-HAMMOND: They're exciting!
-It's rubbish!

-It's a tractor!
-Why are we doing this...
Right.

I am gonna buy
that Dodge Challenger
when it comes out.

-I am gonna but that Jag.
-And then... We'll have...

We won't have any money.
That's what we... That's
the drawback to my plan.

Don't know quite
what that would have
proved actually...

It'll prove when I turn
up in my Copen
that I've got it right.

CLARKSON:
You'll like an idiot.

Who here would like
a Daihatsu Co...
Jesus is here.

CLARKSON: Jesus, come
and have a look at this
and tell us, Jesus!

Jesus might like a Copen.
Jesus in combat trousers!

They're combat shorts.
And the sandals.

It's gay!

CLARKSON: It's a bit
ginger beer.

Jesus, what's that?

-It's all right.
-What do you mean
it's all right...

I mean, Jesus.

Jesus, can we just
get the steer on
the Dodge Challenger?

Where do you stand on that?

-I like both cars...
-HAMMOND: He doesn't know
what he's talking about.

-CLARKSON: You like what?
-...both cars.

Well he is from Nazareth,
I mean...

This is supercharged.

Your dad gave
the world supercharging.

Now, look at this.
There's a study out here.

It says people with those
speed camera detectors

are 600% less likely

to get a speeding ticket
than the rest of us.

In other news,
it's been revealed

that people
with metal detectors

are 600% less likely
to tread on landmines
than the rest of us.

That is stating the obvious,
isn't it?

No, I mean, I don't get this.

I mean, how can you
ever get caught
if you have a speed detector?

I've got one in our XC90.

When it beeps, I don't think,
"Oh, is my microwave meal
ready somewhere"?

If there's a beep,
there's a camera.

-It's simple.
-No, no. The reason is,

I've worked it out,
is they don't know
the location of those

mobile ones that they put
in vans or on sticks.

You know, that they hide.

-Oh yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

But then
there's a way round that.

'Cause you should always,
you know, flash and do
the thumbs down.

Ah, well, you say that.

-But did you read about
that, it was a lorry driver?
-It was, yes.

He was flashing people
coming the other way

'cause there was
a speed camera,

and they tried
to prosecute him
for doing that

for warning people
about an upcoming speed...
That's miserable.

That's just being prosecuted
for being kind.

For being a human being.

But I really like
that sense of camaraderie

you get on the road,
and people you don't know

share that stuff
about speed cameras with you.

I was driving along
a bit back, and there was
one hidden in the...

You know, farmers'
turning around place
which I couldn't see.

There was a bloke on a bike
coming the other way

and he was so determined
that I wouldn't get caught
for speeding,

that he actually came
onto my side of the road

and rode towards me
going like that on his helmet.

Was he determined?
Or you know
you can be a bit...

-Dopey?

Had he tried like
everything else?

-I have to admit I had no idea
what he was on about.
-Exactly.

Did you get a ticket?

Yeah, It didn't really occur
to me until the bloke
was writing the ticket.

-HAMMOND: I thought, oh...

Yeah. Jeremy?
Didn't you recently call
bus drivers Nazis?

No.

No, you did. You did.
You recent...

-I didn't. I didn't.
-You did!

I said that they were
little Hitlers and murderers.

Either way, the fact is,
they're quite cross.

And more specifically
their union leader is

furious with you personally.

And he's gone on record
as saying that you

should spend a week
working as a bus driver,

under their working conditions
for their pay.

-Yeah?
HAMMOND: Well, think about it.

What's he done there?

What he's saying is
that bus drivers
working conditions

and pay are dreadful.

-And he's their union leader?
-Well, who's responsible
for that?

-Him!
-Yeah.

Basically, he ran
to one end of the pitch,

kicked it into the back
of the net and went,

"Yeah, I recognise that goal,
it's mine.

-"Oh my God, it's mine!"

-What an idiot.
-He is.

-But you've driven a bus,
haven't you?
-Yes. Lots of bus driving.

CLARKSON: How hard is it?

Easiest thing I've ever done.

-Really?
-Seriously?

-Yeah.
-It's as easy as sitting here?

Yeah. It's easier, actually.
'Cause you're not
being filmed.

So you can have a joint...
No, sorry.

Right. Is, um...

-No, it is very easy.
-There you are, see.

-No need to be a murderer.
-Mmm.

Hey, whoa, hey.

Now. It's the summer, okay?

Which means all the roads
are completely clogged up
with caravanners.

Yep. Apparently there
are 850,000 caravanners
in this country.

Which is a lot.

Yes. So we thought
we'd find out

what they see in it.

Why they feel the need
to clog up all the highways.

So we decided
to go on a caravan holiday.

Now obviously for this,
we needed a towing car,

we needed a campsite.

But first of all,
we needed to buy a caravan.

CLARKSON: Here she is.
And isn't she a beauty?

She's an Elddis Shamal XL.

And inside she's got
fitted shag pile carpet.

A woodette kitchen.

Sculpted velour upholstery.

A bathroom. Four beds.

And a spot where even
I can stand up properly.

And guess
how much we paid

for all this luxury
and convenience.

Nope, you're quite wrong.

We got the lot for £3,000.

Now, for our car we've got
something really very,
very special.

There she is.
It's the Kia Cerato
1.5 diesel.

MAY: We chose
this £11,000 hatchback
because it's economical.

And because it's the 2006
Caravan Club
tow car of the year.

And we're not
gonna be staying

in some builder's yard
next to a gas works, either.

We're staying at
a five-star site

in the rolling hills
of Dorset.

In other words,
we're doing this
by the book.

We have got the right van,
we've got the right car,

we're going to the right site

and with a bit of luck
this weather will hold.

Back. Back.

Back.
Back. Back!

-Back, back!
-Oh, for God's sake!

But you said, "Back."

-Don't just say, "Back!"
-No, I meant, "Back!"

Back.

-CLARKSON: James?
-MAY: Yeah?

Do the brakes. Yeah.

And hazards.

Normal lights.
Everything's on.
We're in business.

CLARKSON: Finally,
we had to attach
the extended door mirrors.

No problem, surely,
for the hosts of
the world's biggest car show?

-I'll ride with you...
-Just give it here,
I will show you.

I'll hold it on.
You tighten the straps up.

CLARKSON: Wrong.

-Ah! Yes!
-I'll give you ten quid
if that stays on.

CLARKSON:
Eventually, though, we began
our 100-mile trip to Dorset.

Captain Slow at the wheel
of a Kia towing a caravan.

-Secretly, he is delighted.
-Yeah, he is.
He's loving this.

-CLARKSON: Chaps.
-Yes.

There's a list
of essential accessories.

Okay. Let's see
if we've got 'em.

-Step.
-No.

-Water container.
-No.

-Mains hook-up lead.
-No.

-Leisure battery.
-No!

-Gas cylinders.
-No.

CLARKSON: Towing mirrors.
ALL: Yes!

We could be gypsies.

CLARKSON : Having established
that we'd left everything
we'd need at home,

we moved on
to more familiar ground...

Road testing cars.

We're on the open road.
Let's see what she'll do.

30.

-30.

Well, 35.

-CLARKSON: Foot down, James.
-Foot is down.

-30's nice.
- 30 is...

You'd better get used
to doing 30.

CLARKSON: Pretty soon
an enormous jam
had formed in our wake.

-Oh, strewth.
-What?

-There's hundreds of 'em.

CLARKSON: I know!
How do caravanners do this?

How do they drive along
thinking, "I can't bear
the shame"?

And do you know,
if you heard the great thing
of Caravan Club,

always say, "Our members
always pull over
to let people by."

I've been driving
for nearly 30 years.

I have never, ever,
seen that happen.

CLARKSON: Eventually, we could
take the shame no more
and pulled over.

See, who's grateful.
He is.

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

CLARKSON: Obviously,
we're not caravan experts
in any way.

But after just after
a short distance,

even we were able
to recognise that the Kia

is not an especially good
tow car.

If you accept
you have to tow a caravan
which weighs what?

That thing weighs 1,200...
No, about 1,000 kilograms.

-Yeah.
-You want the most
amount of torque.

CLARKSON: So we made
a more sensible shortlist.

-Dodge Viper.
-Now there's a tow car.

-A Humvee.
-Yeah, a Humvee
would be terrific.

You could tow a house
with that.

A Land Rover Discovery.
Nearly three tonnes.

-Yeah.
-Enormous.

-Even the V8.
-Yeah.

You could tow the factory
that caravan was built in.

CLARKSON:
Having sorted that out,

our thoughts turned back
to the Shamal XL.

You haven't looked round
it properly.

You want me
to tell you what's in it?

Please. It'll entertain me
on the journey.

CLARKSON: Sculptured velour
upholstery.

It is amazing upholstery.

I went in there
and immediately
wanted a curry.

The only drawback is
there's a double bed.

Is there?

CLARKSON: Clearly one of us
would have to sleep outside.

Better than sleeping
with James, I suppose.

So we weren't looking forward
to our holiday.

And if I'm honest,
we weren't enjoying
the journey that much either.

We've done 52 miles.

-That's it?
-Yep.

We've been on the road now
for three and a quarter hours

and you've done 52 miles?

CLARKSON: You held
my hand there.

MAY: No, you put your hand
next to the gears...
I've got to change gears.

-There is no way...
-Stop fighting in the front.

HAMMOND: We've got
a long way to go.

CLARKSON: It was getting
claustrophobic in the Kia

but because
we were caravanning,

we could do
what caravanners do ,

pull over
at the side of the road

and have a spot of lunch.

-CLARKSON: Tell you what.
-MAY: What? Hey?

CLARKSON: This is peaceful.

-HAMMOND: Pork pie?
-CLARKSON: What?

HAMMOND: Pork pie?

Caravanners.

CLARKSON:
It's the Overlander GL!

-Yay!
-Hooray!

HAMMOND: After lunch,
Jeremy packed everything away
and we set off.

And it was then we encountered
the dangerous side
of caravanning.

CLARKSON: James.
The car is weaving about.

-It's not,
this is not natural.
-That's really alarming.

HAMMOND: So we consulted
the caravan handbook.

"When a swaying caravan
starts to dictate
the direction of travel,

"you have a snake."

-No. You have a crash.
- Yeah. Exactly.

CLARKSON: "Try to keep it
in the straight-ahead position

"and allow the outfit
to slow down gradually."

That's not true.
You put your foot down,
don't you?

-Power out of it. Always.
-Yeah.

-Power out.
-Give it more power.

This is wrong.

CLARKSON: Sadly, while we had
the snaking under control
it had had an effect.

HAMMOND: Um,
Top Gear dog's been sick.

CLARKSON: So we pulled over
for some dog aid.

HAMMOND: Aw.
What am I gonna...

You poor dog.

-Look what I've got.
-What?

It's one of those things
you put in the back window,

then you programme messages.

-That's brilliant.
-It is.

-It's just good.
-So you can put it in the back
of anything, really?

Yeah, we can program it
to say any message we like.

Sorry we're so slow.
James May is driving.

So that can go in
the back of the rig.

CLARKSON: With the dog sorted,
we were on our way.

Dog's not gonna be
sick again, is it?

-No. I just don't wanna...
-The smell's not good.

-Ooh!

-What the hell?
-That's bad.

You!

It's pretty poor, mate.
It's pretty poor.

-Caravanning, James.
-Yeah.

How do ya...what do ya...

Something you were
looking forward to.

HAMMOND: Well,
let's watch it come off.

Back.

Slowly. Slowly!

Back.

-James, you're gonna
have to back up.
-Can you back it up?

Left-hand down,
right-hand down,
easy does it.

-That's...
-Yeah. Look!

Back. Back.

Have you seen
what you have done
to the tow bar?

MAY: It doesn't matter.

He's cross with us
because he's done that.

Yeah. To our home.

-Oh, look! James.
-MAY: What?

CLARKSON:
Somebody's pulled in
in a caravan

and they haven't hit anything!

Get in the car.

-We hurt his feelings?
-No, no. I'm just getting
a bit irritable.

CLARKSON: Our caravanning trip
wasn't going well.

In fact it was even
starting to strain

the bond of our friendship.

Okay, now we're gonna
pick that up later on

when things go
from bad to, sort of,
catastrophic, really.

But now it's time
to put a star in
our Reasonably Priced Car.

And my guest tonight
has starred in X-Men,

Bourne Supremacy,
Braveheart, Troy.

In fact, it's hard
to think of a film
he hasn't actually been in.

He was once
even Hannibal Lecter.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Brian Cox!

Thank you so much.

-Have a seat.
-Ah.

Well, I'm stunned.

I have been nagging
to have you on the show

ever since we started it.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you.

Thing I'm going you, okay,

since you are the big
Hollywood star, okay.

I've gotta know
why is it that in Hollywood

they always cast the Brit
as the baddie.

I think it's because...

They, kind of,
mistrust intelligence.

Anyone with an accent
that's not American,
they all think,

"Oh, they're
a bit suspicious

"and basically,
they should be very bad."

It strikes me as well,
as it's a really good
opportunity

for the Brit actor
to go over there and
just go nuts in a role.

Because it's,
can I overact more than
Alan Rickman in Die Hard?

"Sitting on a beach
collecting 20%."

Where does that come from?

And Gary Oldman in Leon.
"A-zzooh-ooh-ooh!"

Well, they, they...mmm.
Yeah. They all love it.

But it's true.

And the thing is
you, though,

'cause you've been the baddie
on a number of occasions.

Yeah.

You don't do
the swivel-eyed lunacy,

the, "Cancel Christmas
and cut his heart out
with a spoon thing".

I mean I mean, I have...
I have done roles
similar to that.

But I don't really try
and do it that way.

And you've got to keep
the audience in suspense
because they don't know...

And especially if you've
played as many baddies as me,

they're always expecting
something to happen.
-Hmm.

So you've got to make sure
that they don't get it
at the right moment,

that they get it
when they least expect it.

Now, of course,

the first time we ever
saw you as a baddie,
really, was Manhunter,

-when you were
Hannibal Lecter.
-Right.

You see, It was fantastic,
it was just one of
my favourite films.

-It was one of Michael Mann's
first, wasn't it?
-Right, yeah.

Astonishingly good!
Was it fun being Lecter?

It was because it
was a part that, uh,

it was the first time
it was ever done
so that nobody knew

what it was going
to lead to.

He was a truly
scary character.

Then of course it came
back with...the Welshman.

The Welshman, Tony, yeah.

You can call him Tony,
the Welshman got it.

Were you cross,
when, quietly cross,

when Silence Of
The Lambs became...

I was only cross
with my agent

because we shared
the same agent

and he hadn't quite told me
that Tony had also been
offered this role.

He got a lot more money
for being Hannibal Lecter.

Yeah. The only thing that
pisses me off is that
I didn't get the dough.

No. So it's hugely successful
for you in America,

but the big question now
is do you still have
to live there?

Couldn't you come back
and live in a free country,
here or...

You'd be surprised.

-I've just had a month there.
-Yeah, you'd be surprised.

I'm amazed, sort of,
at how many CCTVs,

how many speed bumps,

how many civil liberty
infractions are going on
in this country.

I tell you,
it ain't as free
as everybody thinks it is.

It's not as free,
but in America,

they threw a stone
at me for having

"Hillary for President"
written down the side
of my car.

-Well, which state
were you in?
-Alabama.

-Well, exactly!
-I knew it.

Of course, they'd throw
a stone at you.

The Stig got arrested
for walking through
the Mojave Desert.

-Really?
-Yeah!

Because he looked funny,
so he must be a Muslim.

I just feel that, you know,
there's a lot of America

which is,
it's like living between...

'Cause I spend time
between the two countries

and I've got to know
both countries.

So I know, the ins
and the outs.

And I know that this
particular administration
in America at the moment

is the worst time
to be there.

Yeah, but the present
administration is
not responsible

for everyone saying,
"You want cheese with that?"

Every time you want
anything to eat.

Which they do!

Well, they do,
but that's possibly
because maybe they think

you want cheese with that.

And you it is...
It is tough, but...

-But you like it.
-Yeah, I do. I mean I...

As long as I can come home.

-Yeah. You're home now
because you're in this

amazing new play,
Rock and Roll.

-Tom Stoppard.
-Yeah.

It's about the Czechs...

It's the history
of Czechoslovakia.

It's between the Russian
invasion of '68

to the Velvet Revolution
in 1990,

and it's set between
Cambridge and Prague.

And I rang a friend of mine
the other day

because I haven't had
the chance to see it.

But then nobody has
as far as I can work out.

-Nobody can get in.
-Even Yoko Ono
couldn't get a ticket.

Yoko, we finally
smuggled her in

because she did point out

that her husband is mentioned
and some of his music
is played,

so she had to get in.

This is an amazing play
that's moving up
to the West End.

-Yeah.
-I rang a critic friend
of mine the other day

and he said,
"It is the best play
for 100 years."

-Wow!
-Which is nice?

-It's a pretty good...
-Sadly, he's a
restaurant critic.

So he wasn't able
to write that.

-But... No, he does.
-Sometimes they're
more reliable.

I suppose we better talk
about cars.

-We'd better.
-What have you got?

Well, I know
you're going to be...

I know you're going to go...

-It's going to be a Prius.
-Yes, it is. I have a Prius.

-Well, actually...

We have two,
we have one here
and one there.

-So you bought one and then...
-We bought another.

Or did you just forget
you had the first one?

No.

No, we remembered
we had the first one.

You only need one Prius,
for when you go on
chat shows to say,

"I have a Prius," and
everyone goes, "Well done,
you saved the trees."

The thing about Priuses
or "Pree-uses"

is that you just have
to know how to drive them.

People think that,
"Oh, they're very
economic on gas."

Yeah, they're economic
if you know how to
drive them economically,

but if you don't,
it's like anything else.

-Let's see how you
get on, on the track.
-Yeah.

-Shall we?
-Yeah.

-Was it fun?
-I loved it.

I tell you, it was...
I've been so nervous
about today,

and kind of, part of my life
running before me.

But it was an almost...

I have to say, it was
almost like a mystical,
spiritual experience.

-Spiritual?
-Yeah.

-With The Stig?
-Yeah, absolutely.

That's fantastic.
Shall we have a look at
one of your practise laps?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-CLARKSON: Okay,
let's have a look.

COX: That's the practise lap?

One of the practise laps,
you didn't know
the cameras were turning.

But here it is.

We're coming up
to the second
to last corner.

And, oh, it's coming up
to Gambon, and an
unusual new one.

Very good.

Right in the grass.

You're a mate of Gambon's,
of course, aren't you?

Yeah, Gambon and I...

You've shared
cornering difficulties.

Yeah, exactly.

That was the first time
I've seen anyone go
round it like that before.

-Really?
-You were
completely cutting it.

It was a whole new thing.

Anyway, eventually,
of course, you were ready
to do the real lap.

Let's have a look.
Here we go.

CLARKSON: Smoking start,
I like the look of that.

Is this the first time you've
ever driven in anger?

-COX: Yeah.
-CLARKSON: Really?

COX: Well, driven in this.
There's anger, yeah...

CLARKSON: I like that.

That's a good tight line.

Keep it tight.

And very concentrated,
you look there.

Keeping it tight again,
but not fast.

-And where are we
going now? Oh!

Looking at the gear lever
doesn't...

COX: That's the trouble
with living in LA.

-Too many..you know.
-CLARKSON: Automatics?

There we go again, though.
You're quite slow.

CLARKSON:
That's the rev limiter.

You're in third!

Did you actually
get it into fifth?

COX: Yeah, I did
at one point...
CLARKSON: Wait a minute.

Is that third still or fifth?

Oh, no, it sounds like you
might have got into fifth.

That was quite good.
Second to last corner.
That's looking very good.

And into Gambon.

Is this going to be smooth?
Yes, it is and there we are.

-Across the line, everybody.

Well, there you are.
There's the list
of other people

who've been round
in the new Reasonably
Priced Car.

So, where do you think
you've come?

Um. Probably
pretty low, actually.

Yeah.

-You did it...two minutes...
-Oh, shit.

One second,
which is sort of...

-COX: Oh, that's disgraceful.
-Well, yeah.

No, It's not as bad
as Jimmy Carr,

and you can take
solace from that.

-No, it's terrible.
I'm now depressed.
-Well, you see...

Is Gambon going to
ring you now?

Oh, no, he'll never
let me forget it.

Me on my own. That's it...

But it's been
an absolute joy
having you here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brian Cox!

Cheers, thank you.

Thank you.

COX: Oh, God.

I have to come back
and improve.

Wow! So far tonight,
we've had a Vauxhall Vectra,

a Kia, a caravan
and a bloke named Brian.

And now for even
more excitement.

Because recently,
I spent a morning
at a large exhibition centre.

HAMMOND: This is the main hall
at the Excel Centre in London.

And next week,
it'll be the venue for
the British Motor Show.

It is a huge space.
Some 385 metres long.

So, before all
the car companies
fill the place

with their revolving stands
and Orange promo girls,

we thought we'd sneak in
and hold our own motor show.

The thing is, though,

we'll only be
exhibiting one car.

HAMMOND:
But it should be plenty.

This is it!

A Toyota F1 car.

And it's the 2005 model
with the big V10 engine.

It spins to 19,000 rpm

and produces a colossal
900 brake horsepower.

That's a lot in a car
that weighs half a ton.

In fact, it's such a lot,
that it can do 220 miles
an hour.

Now, with performance
figures like those,

there's no point
in putting it on a plinth,

and this hall is pretty long.

So, we're going to try
something that's never
been done before.

Yep, for the first time
in the history of anything,

we're going to see how fast
you can run an F1 car

indoors.

HAMMOND: Specifically,
we're going to start it
at one end of the hall

and then see
what speed it can get to,

before the driver
has to hit the brakes

to avoid the solid wall
at the other end.

Which is why we're going
to need a driver
who knows no fear,

who has no sponsors
to upset

if he hits the brakes
too late and punches a big,

Formula-One-car-shaped hole
in the wall.

HAMMOND: Yes, The Stig.

Before we ignited
the F1 car,

Stig did a run in our
reasonably priced
Chevrolet Lacetti.

This would put things
in perspective

by showing us what speed
an everyday road car
could manage.

Stig ignored the health
and safety man's
big stop sign

and managed
70 miles an hour.

Not bad for a 1.8 litre car
with just 118 horsepower.

But now for the main event.

The Toyota has eight times
the power of the Lacetti

and is just over
a third of the weight.

So let's see what it can do.

CLARKSON: No, no, wait.

Okay, now,
the Chevy Lacetti
set the benchmark there

of 70 miles an hour,
all right?

So, how fast do we think
the Formula One car went?

Okay, anyone want a guess?

-MAN: 170.
-CLARKSON: 170.

150.

180.

-MAN: 120.
-CLARKSON: 120?

You're all in the ball park
we were thinking of, so...

Richard, tell them,
how fast did it go?

You know, I think maybe
you should do that.

No, it was your experiment.

You tell them
how fast it went.

-Say it louder.

-81 miles an hour.

CLARKSON: It did.
It was 81 miles an hour.

That was as quick
as it would go

Because it couldn't
put its power down.

Yeah. The thing is...

CLARKSON: It just spun
its wheels all of the time.

All of the power gone.

And we were going
to throw that whole film away

and not bother showing it.

And then we discovered

that there was no indoors
speed record for cars at all.

Which means, we've set
the world record
at 81 miles an hour!

-Yes, we have.
-Yeah!

-CLARKSON: Yes, we have!

What's really funny
is that we very
nearly accidentally

set the speed record
in the Chevrolet Lacetti.

Earlier on, we were asking
why is caravanning so popular.

To find out,
the three of us went
on a caravan holiday.

Yeah, and it
wasn't going well.

-No, we held up
several million people.
-Yeah.

-Top Gear Dog had been sick.
-Yeah.

-And he'd actually
crashed the caravan.
-Yeah.

Yes, and to be honest,
we were all starting to
fall out quite badly.

So, let's rejoin the action.

CLARKSON:
We were now in Dorset

just a few miles
from the site

and back on
single carriageways,

which meant it was business
as usual behind us.

I've just seen the queue
as we came off the roundabout.

I can't live with the shame.

This car feels really odd.

James, it's a Kia...

Thingy.

-CLARKSON:
Soprano. Sudoku,
it's not a good car.

Do you know
what's behind us?

What?

-Horsebox.
-What, we're holding up
a horsebox?

Oh! Now that's payback,
I like that.

-Serves...you...
-Oh, very good.

Right.

CLARKSON: Dorset is awash
with campsites.

All we had to do
was find ours.

Hammond, what's the name
of the campsite?

I don't know.

No, hang on, which way
do we go here?

CLARKSON: Who booked it?

-MAY: You.
-So what's it called?

I spoke to a man... Dave.

Which way is it?
Do you know?

The campsite's called Dave!

Dave the camp...
I don't know.
I didn't ask him.

Go in there.
Okay, left.

CLARKSON: I wouldn't
have done that.

I wouldn't have
gone that way.

MAY: You're in charge
of navigation,

you weren't looking
at the map.

You were arguing and
bickering with Hammond.

James, turn round.

-I implore you.
-Okay.

-James, I'm going to side
with him, I'm afraid.
-All right.

No. I'm man enough to admit
my mistake, I was wrong.

Spot a little farm gate
and I'll reverse it in
and flip it round.

HAMMOND: James eventually
selected a turning spot
that, frankly, wasn't ideal.

CLARKSON: Now what? Ha-ha.
MAY: It's not wide enough.

CLARKSON:
It's in the hedge.

Not quite.

CLARKSON: James,
you're not turning round,

you're moving backwards.

You're going like this.

HAMMOND:
He's tacking backwards.

Listen, you pillocks,
when reversing a caravan

you don't say,
"You've made no progress."

-You go, "Left hand down..."
-CLARKSON: Okay.

Get in the car.
Get. Ow!

Oh, yeah. Right hand down.

CLARKSON: Right hand down.

There's a bus coming, James.

There's a bus,
there's a coach!

I'm starting again.

HAMMOND: And just when we
thought the journey couldn't
possibly get any worse...

Tools!

This is not
what I call holiday.

It's gone slightly downhill,
but...

It never climbed up the hill.

HAMMOND: After 20 minutes,
we had the wheel changed,

but we were still pointing
in the wrong direction

BOTH: James,
there's a lamppost.

-HAMMOND: And then...

-CLARKSON: Police are here!
-HAMMOND: Police are here.

-HAMMOND: Run away!
-CLARKSON: Run! Hide!

We had a puncture and
then we changed it and...

CLARKSON:
And then James said
he could turn it round here,

and we said he couldn't
we were embarrassed.

HAMMOND: So, we ran away.

HAMMOND: The policeman said
that we should get a move on,

or we'd be sent to prison
for 20 years.

So we sacked James,
unhitched it and did
the turn by hand.

CLARKSON: Sorry, everyone.
HAMMOND: Sorry.

HAMMOND: That was hard.

-CLARKSON: Do not make
another wrong turn, James.

Go.

-Uh, James...
-We haven't got the caravan.

CLARKSON: So far, then,
we've learned

that if there are
any joys to caravanning,

they certainly
aren't to be found
in the journey.

All we've done
on the way to Dorset
is crash into things,

bicker, get cautioned
by the police,

cause a lot of jams,

have a puncture,
clear up some dog sick,

have a noisy,
disgusting picnic
at the side of the road,

and get stuck.

But after six hours,

we finally arrived
at Caravancatraz.

Five miles an hour maximum.

-Well, not so bad.
-CLARKSON: Dream on.

"Keep dogs on a lead."

Top Gear Dog,
you've got to be on a lead.

CLARKSON: James told
Richard and I to get out

because he reckoned
he could do the parking thing
more easily

if we weren't there
to help him.

MAY: Now, let me
think about this.

I've got to turn it
that way,

that way...

...that way.

Put it in reverse.

That's not right.

CLARKSON: That is the 6400.

There's no wonder
he's got a clamp on it. Look.

HAMMOND: Yeah, and he's got
his satellite dish set up.

-CLARKSON: What a beauty.
-That is rocking.

CLARKSON: Richard and I were
on a mission

to see what it is
that caravanners
like about caravanning.

HAMMOND: Oh, no, it's worse.
Jeremy, on the right.

That's not a sign you ever
want to have to read
on your holiday.

Come on! Chin up.
We're camping.

-That's the train there.
-That is the train there.

This site you've booked...

Uh...

MAY: Here we go.

Left equals right. So...

I can do this really fast.

I'll do this swiftly.
This is the one they'll
use on the telly

and that'll be...

No, that's not right.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
we met someone
from Richard's fan club.

Hello. How do you do?
I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

-WOMAN: I know!
-This is Richard Hammond.

-I'm Richard. Nice to see you.
-CLARKSON: Oh!

Tell me, what do we do
on a caravan holiday?

HAMMOND: Now we're here.

Go round and see
the countryside.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Fill up the loo.

-CLARKSON: Fill up the loo?
-Yeah.

Do you want a cup of tea?

That's very sweet of you,
but we're getting to know
our surroundings.

But that's very kind.
We might pop back.

CLARKSON:
But she wasn't going to let
Richard escape that easily.

HAMMOND: I can't come into
your caravan. Jeremy, help me.

You're going to be taken
into a caravan. Let's go.

Don't follow them in there.

HAMMOND: I'll just... I'll...
WOMAN: You can bring
the dog in as well.

I really can't take
the dog in the... Mummy!

WOMAN: No, you can take
the dog in as well.

Then the caravan
has to go to the left,

but that doesn't mean
turning the wheel there,

that means turning the wheel
to the right.

And then that will do it.

CLARKSON: By now, James
had attracted quite a crowd.

Here we go.

-CLARKSON:
Which was unfortunate.
-And back.

That's good.

Oh, no, it's not...

James! Stop!

Do you see
what you've done?

They'll be out bird watching
or something.

By the time they get back,

we'll have it back together.
It's not broken.
It's just knocked over.

-MAY: Where is Hammond?
-You don't wanna know.

-I'll get inside.

MAY: What's that?

CLARKSON:
That didn't sound good.

-That must go...
-No, it's here, it's here.
It's here.

-MAY: That'll do.
-CLARKSON: You're such
a clown!

They're never gonna know.

Even if they do think
it's all got bent,
they won't know what did it.

No.

MAY: What's Hammond
doing with the dog?

-The dog went in with him.
-Really?

Him and the dog
and the biggish woman
are in a caravan.

CLARKSON : After a worryingly
long time, Hammond and
Top Gear Dog returned.

I think this is gonna
have to...

This is where it was!

This will do.

Oh!

-Oh, no.

-HAMMOND: Ooh.
-MAY: Oh, dear.

MAY: Oh, my word!

-CLARKSON: Oh, my God!

MAY: Hang on, we've gotta
put the legs down.

We're not brilliant at this,
are we?

HAMMOND: It had been a bit
of an ordeal getting there,

but once you've parked up,
you can create your own
little home from home.

So we put the awning up.

HAMMOND: Argh!

-Is that your finger?
-HAMMOND: There's gonna
be swearing.

HAMMOND: We got the
electricity connected.

CLARKSON: Yes!

Here it is!

Wow! Star Trek.

-CLARKSON: Lights.
-What the heck...

HAMMOND: And then I discovered
Jeremy's secret weapon.

Literally.

Ah, yes. I brought that.

Yeah. Well, you might.
I thought...

That's an AK-47.

-I know.
I thought I might need it.
-Why?

A weekend, in a box
with James May.

I thought,
"What am I gonna need?"

HAMMOND: You're not
a practical man, are you?

HAMMOND: The last step
in making our home complete

was connecting
the gas bottle.

-CLARKSON: That's gas!
-HAMMOND: It's gas!

CLARKSON: Argh!

Why would anybody think
this was a holiday?

I mean, at what point
in the last eight hours

have I done anything
I'd call holiday-ish?

Nothing.

I've been in a car accident.

I've watched James May
destroy a campsite.

I've stabbed myself
seven times.

HAMMOND: Eventually, though,
our house was up and running.

CLARKSON: Look at that!

HAMMOND: So then
it was time to tackle
stage three of caravanning.

What do you actually do
on a caravan holiday?

CLARKSON: First, we tried
the local pub.

CLARKSON: Yeah.

So then we decided to do
what everyone else had done

and turned in for the night.

-MAY: That's not a bed, is it?
-No.

-There's no way are you
making it through the night!

That...

I have worked my fingers
to the bone for that.

What a reward.

-No, you can't sleep on there.
-Jeremy...it's gonna go.

And then you'll break
you're back in the night
and that'll wake everybody.

CLARKSON: You two are sleeping
in a double bed.

I'm gonna ring the Daily Mail
immediately.

-CLARKSON:
Can I just say, guys?
-HAMMOND: Yes?

I've got a king-size
bed at home.

-HAMMOND: I like it.
-I quite like it.

-It's nice.
-HAMMOND: I like it!

It's homely.

HAMMOND: No, I'm all right
with caravanning.

-Oh, good, a train.
-Nice. That's nice.

Listen.

How often is that
gonna happen all night?

That was all right.

-MAY: It's romantic.
-Don't say things like that!

I'm on the same bed as you!

CLARKSON : This, then,
is why you sit in jams
all through the summer,

so people can come
to caravan sites and have fun.

How do I release
the excrement?

Oh, you're so on your own
with that job.

Oh!

Why do 17%
of the British people
want to do this

for a holiday?

I know, for a holiday,

let's empty our turds
out ourselves.

CLARKSON : Still,
could be worse.

-HAMMOND: Oh, no!

CLARKSON: While Hammond
went for more water, James
planned breakfast.

I'm gonna go off.
I'm going to find one of those
ruddy-faced farmers

and his organic,
rosy-cheeked wife

and get some free-range eggs
and grass-fed bacon

-and all that local produce.
-Brilliant. Okay.

Do some washing-up
or something.

Work sets you free.

CLARKSON : But James's
farmer hunt didn't go to plan.

HAMMOND: Sorry, forgive me,
is this breakfast? Right.
CLARKSON: Yeah.

Do you want to go
to Wilton House, the home
of the Earl of Pembroke?

I've been there.

-Dorchester, a great day out?
-I've been there.

Weymouth Sea Life?

-Oh, my God.
-I've been there
hundreds of times.

-Train.

HAMMOND: It's peaceful.
CLARKSON: It's not peaceful
and I don't like...

You aren't allowed
to have a fire.

You aren't allowed
to play ball games.

You aren't allowed
to play music.

You have to be in bed
by eleven.

You have to park within
two feet of a post.

You have to keep quiet.
You can't have anything.

This is not a holiday.
It's a concentration camp.

But those rules are
for the benefit of everybody.

They bring strength
through joy.

If I was at home now,

I could go out, have a fire,
have a barbecue

play music loud,
do whatever I want.
I'd be free.

Here, I've got a piece of spam
on a broken plate.

CLARKSON:
And look at everybody,

sitting outside their vans
on £4.99 garden furniture,

waiting for Sunday night,
when they can set off home

and clog up the roads again.

I was angry.

So, Hammond decided
I needed cheering up.

Why is this good, Hammond?

-What, walking?
-Yeah.

Because, um, well,
it's bracing,
it's good exercise...

HAMMOND: See stuff, look.
CLARKSON: What am I seeing
here that's interesting?

I'm from Oxfordshire,
which is all green.

I've come to Dorset
and it's all green.

It's a different sort
of green, though.

-It isn't.
-It is.

It just isn't.

HAMMOND:
To shut him up, we did a bit
of Top Gear twitching.

Well there's a Jag, V1X...

CLARKSON: J Diesel.
MAY: Oh, yes,
that's a Sovereign.

-Old Prelude
going the other way.
-MAY: It's a Sovereign.

MAY: Look at that
campervan. What's that?
HAMMOND: Oh, good work, sir!

CLARKSON: It's a Westphalia.
HAMMOND:
Oh, it is a Westphalia.

HAMMOND: After our walk,
Jeremy said he'd cook lunch.

James, you know that shop
you went to this morning,
did it have any raw prawns?

-No.
-Coconut milk?

No.

-Green curry paste?
-Nope.

Coriander leaves? Snake beans?

It had some potatoes.

Oh, well, I'll do chips, then.

Oh, God!

-Richard!
-What?

Richard, have you got
a fire extinguisher?

HAMMOND: No. Why?

How do you put a pan fire out?
Tea towel and water.

Richard!
Are there any water?

HAMMOND: No,
I used it all on my hair.

Guys, it is no longer
a pan fire. It's a van fire.

-It is a fire.
-You are joking.

HAMMOND: How in the name of...

MAY: God in heaven, mate,
put it out. Put it out.

Use the oven glove.

The cushion's on fire now.
I've made it worse!

Careful with that.
Get everything out.

What do I take out?

It's Okay, I've got
his dressing gown.

HAMMOND:
What am I gonna rescue?
What am I gonna rescue?

Richard, don't go back
in there. The gas!

How the hell did that happen?

How did we set that on fire?

I tried to beat the fire out
in ours, with that cushion.

I threw it out the window
and I think I torched it.

-I can think of one
good thing, James.
-What?

You won't have
to apologise to the people
whose caravan that is

-for breaking their awning.
-Brilliant.

CLARKSON:
All things considered,

how do you think
the holiday went?

HAMMOND: I think, well.

Okay, you two gave it
your best shot.
You tried to like it. Did you?

No, absolutely not.

I would like it, I think,
if I were on my own.

Do you seriously think
you're gonna be welcome
in any campsite after that?

Look, what we proved
in that film is that there is
no upside to caravanning.

They clog up the roads
for no good reason.

I mean, that woman
in the film, okay?

When I said to that woman,
"What do you do
on a caravan holiday?"

She said, "Mmm,
fill up the loo."

-That's all
she could think of!

She's spent £12,000

on a caravan
so she can go to a field
and defecate in a bucket.

-I'm sorry, but when
we come to power,

caravanning is going to
be banned.

And that's it. And on that
bombshell, it's time to end.

Thank you very much
for watching.

Normal service will be resumed
next week. Good night.