Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - Playing Car-Soccer in Toyota Aygos - Round 2 - full transcript
Richard and James play another game of four-a-side hatchback football as Richard's team of Volkswagen Foxes take on James's champion team of Toyota Aygos. Jeremy test drives the Citroën C6 and uses it as a mobile camera platform t...
CLARKSON: Tonight,
the new Citroen C6,
hovercraft or horse manure?
Jackie Stewart teaches
Captain Slow how to drive.
Don't bother
watching the World Cup,
cause we've sorted it already.
Hello and welcome.
Now, it's not unusual
for racing car companies
to start making road cars.
Ferrari, for example,
and Lotus,
more recently, McLaren.
Well, now another one
is having a go.
The very famous...
Prodrive.
Prodrive is responsible
for the Subaru rally cars.
They also designed
and run the Aston Martin
endurance cars,
and until last year,
the Honda BAR F1 team as well.
A pretty successful
operation then.
But at the firms
Christmas party
a couple of years ago,
the boss of the company said,
"Look, we've conquered
the world's race tracks.
"Now let's do the same
on the roads."
This is what they
came up with,
as a base.
It's a Subaru R1 city car,
and what they've done
is turn it,
into this.
It's called simply the P2
and it's amazing!
The new coupe body was done
by the same man
who styled the McLaren F1.
Don't think, however,
that this is all show
and no go.
CLARKSON: The engine
is from a Subaru Impreza,
but it has a bigger
turbo charger,
so now you get 345
brake horsepower.
You also get
a funny little noise
from the waste gate,
when you take your foot
off the accelerator.
Sounds like squirrels
are being pushed
into the engine.
That's what this is,
it's a squirrel mincer.
It doesn't just sound
like a rally car either,
because it weighs about
the same as a human hair,
it goes like one, too!
0-60...
3.8 seconds.
Top speed, 174!
Score!
One reason why it's so fast is
because it has something
called anti-lag,
which no-one in the world
can explain.
So, the P2 then.
It's good looking, quick,
and with a projected price
of just £40,000,
good value, too.
And we haven't even got
to the really good stuff yet.
In normal mode,
it handles like a normal
Subaru Impreza, actually.
Loads and loads
and loads of grip,
and then,
that hint of understeer.
If I turn this little knob
here to three...
This turns on the car's
electronic brain.
Now,
it's a very different animal.
No understeer at all.
This system is even more
complicated than the anti-lag,
but, one of Prodrives
engineers decided to actually
have a stab at explaining it.
The control of the
centre differential, clutch,
is controlled through
the computer, it looks at
the steering angle.
You've got your sensors
and accelerometers
and you've got steering
wheel position,
the slip angle of the car
through the throttle,
but if you then apply
longitudinal force...
Drive torques
to the rear tyres,
you lose lateral grip
the torque split through.
The relative speeds
of the front-rear diff,
does that help?
The relative speeds of...
It's probably simpler
to demonstrate the system
with a practical experiment.
I'm going round this
circle of cones here with
the diff turned off, okay?
I'm doing 30 miles an hour
and I'm going wide,
basically, look!
It's going wider and wider,
it's just understeer.
Now.
Turn the diff on
and see what happens.
CLARKSON: Okay, 30mph to beat.
38.
40.
45.
It just kept getting
faster and faster
until the inevitable happened.
Oh!
Quite a car, then.
Not only can
it blow your mind,
but also empty your stomach.
Er! Not nice!
I don't wanna see that!
Plenty of saltwater
or go for a drive in that.
I don't get it.
How did you
make yourself sick,
when you were driving?
I wasn't driving.
I was sitting behind the wheel
while all the technology
summoned up the chunks.
Yeah, it did that.
The grip on this
is phenomenal, it really is.
It's an amazing thing
and there's something
else amazing.
-What?
-Well, there's been all that
bru-ah-ha about the demise
of the British motor industry.
Vauxhall with 1,000 jobs gone,
Peugeot, Jaguar closing down
plants in Coventry.
-Rover have gone
TVR on their uppers.
-Yeah.
Well, there you go!
This could be the answer.
-Could be,
but they won't make it!
-Why?
Because they say that
this is what a Prodrive
road car would be like,
if they could be bothered
to put it into production,
but they can't.
What's the point in that?
That's like saying,
"I could fly like an eagle,
but I can't be bothered!"
It's just a technological
showcase.
It's them saying,
"Look how clever we are!"
They're not gonna make it,
it's a great shame.
We'll find out now
just how fast
it goes round our track.
That means handing it over
to our racing driver.
Some say that the outline
of his left nipple,
is exactly the same shape
as the Nurburgring.
And if you give him a really
important job to do,
he'll skive off
and play croquet.
All we know is,
he's called The Stig.
CLARKSON: Whoops!
Bit of flame from
the exhaust, and he's off!
Ooh! Look at the car
pitching on its suspension,
as The Stig slams home
another gear.
Active Diff is switched
on here, of course.
System can make any driver
look like Michael Schumacher,
but in Stig's case
that'd make him look
worse than he is!
Look how neatly he gets
out the first corner.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Dove posso comprare
semaforo?
MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Where can I buy
traffic lights?
Whoa!
He's rocking up in Chicago,
gets the nose a bit wide,
and the computer shifts
the torque around,
drags everything
back on track.
Hammerhead, this is
the real handling test.
Subaru would wash wide,
but the P2's brain shunts
drive where it's needed,
gets the tail working,
punches him out
the other side.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
E sporco.
MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
It's dirty.
CLARKSON: Going down
to follow through.
Don't think
he's lifted at all!
Stig and computer's
working together,
animal and machine,
in perfect harmony.
He's turning in now,
second to last corner,
that's very tidy,
coming up to Gambon,
picking up dust
like a rally car
and across the line!
This is interesting, this.
Now...
Now, when he did it,
he did a lap in that without
the diff turned on,
he did a 1:29, which is,
sort of, way down
here somewhere, okay?
But with the diff
actually activated,
he did it in one minute 24.3,
so it's half a second quicker
than an Evo 400.
Evo has 60 more horsepower
and that's all down
to the diff.
If you want to know
how this diff works,
I've put something about it...
Well, I haven't put anything
on the internet about it,
obviously,
but James May,
has written something
on our website.
So if you want to know
about the technology
of this car,
or go onto Google and write,
"I haven't got any friends."
And now it's time
for the news.
Yes, it is.
The big news this week
is it's time once again
for the Top Gear survey.
You see,
we test cars for a week,
and in that time we can
work out how fast they are,
how big the boot is,
how comfortable they are.
But we can't work out
what they're like
to live with everyday,
and that is where
you come in...
-What are you doing?
-What?
What are you doing?
This is what you do
in the news these days.
You've not been watching
these bulletins,
they walk about
with a bit of paper,
and then they talk
to one camera
and for no obvious reason,
switch to another one.
And then another. Like that.
Er, anyway, the point is,
is that if your car is on
an 03,
an 05,
an 04...
Or a 54 plate,
we want to hear
from you, okay?
So please write to us
Are you gonna stop that now?
It's really irritating.
No, I'll do the next bit
like Channel Five,
Kirsty Young is always
halfway up a staircase
when she does hers.
-Up here.
-That's like
news pole dancing.
-CLARKSON: It is!
HAMMOND: No, that's worse.
That is worse. Sit down.
Just try sitting down!
-I'll give it a whirl.
-It might catch on.
-See?
-What do you think?
We could do the news
like this, what do we think?
I like it. It works.
CLARKSON: Here we go.
Okay, here we are,
with the sitting-down news,
which comes from Subaru
who are arranging a series
of track days for £250.
You can go to the Prodrive
test track
and thrash around,
in an Impreza
or those bigger ones
-whose name...
-Legacy.
Legacy, that's the one.
There's only a few conditions.
You must be 18 years or over.
You must have had
a full driving licence
for over a year.
Ooh, and you must be
between 5'2" and 6'7".
So that's you two out.
Excellent.
That's heightist,
quite frankly.
I can't think of a better
recommendation, actually.
-Than what?
-Us not being able to do it?
Exactly. I'll be going,
I'll see you there.
Hey now, listen.
I have found,
what I consider to be pretty
close to the perfect car.
You know last year,
I drove to
the south of France,
I drove the Audi RS4?
Fantastic.
They've now brought out
this version of it, okay?
An RS4 Cabriolet.
Now that's about
as good as it's going to get.
I think that radiator grill
is pretty gopping, though.
But Uma Thurman has big hands.
You're not gonna say,
"Get out of my house,"
are you?
Yes.
Cos she's got big hands?
I don't like girls
with big hands.
Why don't you like girls
with big hands?
-It just looks wrong.
-What looks wrong?
She says,
"Hi, James, I'm Uma."
With her great big hand.
That's just wrong.
It's all big.
Listen, this has got
414bhp, four-wheel drive,
goes like the clappers,
sounds wonderful,
brilliant car, that.
You said that the only person
who ever looked good
in the back of a four-seat
convertible was Adolf Hitler.
-Yes. I did say that,
but it doesn't matter.
-You did.
Because the front seats
in an RS4 are so big
and buckety,
you can't get anyone
in the back anyway.
Oh, brilliant.
So the best thing about
your four-seater cabriolet
is you can only fit
two people in it.
-Yes.
-God, you do talk rubbish.
60 grand as well. Good value.
Hey now, listen.
-Anyone see the Monte Carlo
Grand Prix?
-Yeah.
-Really?
-Actually no.
No. I didn't think
you would've done.
-I didn't watch it either.
-They never watch Formula One.
Here's the thing.
Michael Schumacher is on
his hot lap, qualifying lap,
he stops and blocks the road,
and everyone says
that's cheating,
because he was gonna go on
pole position.
Even if,
even if it was cheating,
and I'm not sure that it was,
how brilliant is that?
You're driving 120 miles
through Monte Carlo,
like this,
and then you think,
"If I stop here,
I'll block the traffic,
"so I'll pretend to have
an accident
and there I am on pole!"
Honestly, he's a genius,
that man.
Not exactly sporting, is it?
That's the trouble
with Formula One.
Everyone is obsessed
with sporting behaviour!
Did you see
in the Nurburgring,
in the qualifying there?
There's what's his name.
The other Renault driver.
Fisichella. Fisichella
charging down the pit lane
to plant one on Villeneuve.
People go,
"That's not sporting!"
It is!
He's a young,
Mediterranean racing driver
and he wants to plant a big...
...on a stupid, short-sighted,
baggy-trousered Canadian.
And he should've
got points for it.
He should've got extra
points for that!
-Are you saying drivers should
get random points?
-Yes.
-Who'll give them
these points?
-Me.
Oh, there's a surprise!
Let me guess,
you'll sit in a big box,
high up,
overlooking the circuit,
maybe with a crown
made of leaves and a toga?
Then at the end you can decide
whether they win or they lose,
really badly.
I like the leaves.
-I thought you might.
-I hadn't thought
of the leaves.
I'd have given Schumacher 100
for being Dick Dastardly,
there we are!
-Can we move on?
I'm worried about the stress.
-No, I've another idea.
You know people in Sheffield
nightclubs,
they're always
egging their mates
to have a fight.
-Yes.
-All of those pit garages
should have one of those.
See that Alonso?
He were looking
at your pit board.
He spilt your practice lap,
what you gonna do?
You can't do nothin'.
It'd be brilliant.
Listen, Bernie,
if you're watching,
you've got my number,
give me a call
and some leaves.
I'm your man.
-On now to one of the coolest
cars of the year.
-What?
It is a Ford people carrier.
There it is, look!
CLARKSON: You know last week,
you banged your head while
you were driving my Mercedes.
Yes.
-Has this?
-No, no, seriously.
Bear with me.
For one thing,
it's a seven-seater MPV,
but it's really cool looking!
It's a great car.
He's absolutely right,
I have it, and I'm a bachelor.
It drives really well and...
What I mean is,
I like it as a car.
I don't have to think...
The seats swivel,
I can get a lot
of brightly coloured
Mothercare rugs in the back.
You can just have
your little brush for cleaning
the air vents, James.
James May on parenting.
"Brightly coloured
Mothercare..."
Anyway, you get that 2.5L,
five cylinder engine
from the fast Focus ST,
so it sounds brilliant,
it's fast, it handles well,
it's a cool car.
What you're saying then
is if your condom bursts,
it's not a problem any more.
There you go,
there's your answer.
Now, ordinarily...
Ordinarily, I wouldn't plug
any show that these
two are appearing in, okay?
But James has recently
signed up to host
a programme on Sky 32, okay?
-Called When Sharks Attack.
-Yeah.
Now, this is worth watching,
because I've managed
to procure a still,
from the production of James
and here it is.
CLARKSON: This is a show
you cannot miss.
HAMMOND: Is that legal
in this country?
It's the Barbie doll
thing here,
the Ken and Barbie crotch,
there's nothing happening.
I don't know
why you're laughing.
Hang on! I haven't done
anything silly lately.
There was a picture
in the paper last week,
which I've got,
on your Grail programme.
The publicity shot,
here it is!
How small was that horse?
It was...
Richard says, "Have you got
a My Little Pony?"
I looked at it and thought,
"That's what horses look like
when I get on them."
So, God knows what that was.
Anyway,
that is the end of the news.
Now, we must move on.
You remember last year?
I went out to California
and drove a Honda NSX
round a race track.
It was to do with racing
a time I'd set
on a PlayStation game.
The thing was,
I did it in 1minute 58, okay?
After a couple of laps,
I got to 1minute 58,
and then no matter
how many times I went round,
I couldn't go any faster.
It was my limit of talent
and bravery.
And after Jeremy's frankly
useless efforts were
put on the television,
a Scottish lady
called Jackie Stewart
wrote to us, saying...
She could get any one of us
to any race track
in the country in any car,
get us to set our best time
and then she could get us
to knock 20 seconds
off that time.
He. It's a he.
Jackie Stewart's a he.
Righto.
Anyway,
the point is we decided
to accept his challenge,
only we gave him
the most difficult pupil
of them all.
Him!
You find me
in unfamiliar surroundings.
This is a race track.
This is my bag of
go-faster clothing,
and I'm here for my date
with Sir Jackie.
MAY: And here he is,
making a typically understated
racing driver's entrance.
Immediately,
I let the McLegend
know what he was in for.
You know they
call me Captain Slow.
-Do they?
-Yeah.
Well, I've seen the bigger guy
drive very aggressively.
Mmm, and not very well,
I thought.
So, do you think
you can do it?
Never having driven
with you before,
it's difficult to say.
I'd be surprised if you
didn't turn out to be better
than the other two.
I like that.
For this coaching session,
Jackie had insisted on
a rear wheel drive car.
So, we chose the new
TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible,
because actually it's a car
we're very interested in.
Firstly, because TVR claims
it's their best-built,
best-driving car till date,
and secondly, with all their
present business problems,
it could well be
the company's swan song.
Before school began,
Jackie took the TVR out
to set his own lap time.
I'm scared already.
Jackie Stewart is 66,
a pensioner,
except no-one seems
to have told him that.
That warmed the tyres up.
JACKIE STEWART: Over the top
and lightly brake.
Gently get back on the power.
Full power, off the power,
down into second.
Let it roll in.
You can't see
half of this track,
as you're going along it.
No, I know. That's one of the
charming things about it.
Right.
Sir Jackie Stewart,
you did it in...
One minute, 58.9.
Now it was my turn.
The main thing to do is take
your time to begin with.
I might still
be taking my time
at the end of the day!
Let's wait and see.
MAY: For my first few laps,
Jackie, like Supernanny,
said nothing
and just observed.
Meanwhile, his race engineer
monitored my times
using the in-car telemetry.
My best time was poor.
STEWART:
Two minutes, 26 seconds.
Sod it!
Come on!
No matter what I did,
I couldn't improve it.
STEWART: You're gonna go
short of room here.
It seemed I'd hit
my talent wall,
just as Jeremy did
at Laguna Seca.
Jackie's target of knocking
my time down by 20 seconds
looked impossible.
Nevertheless, he set to work.
I think maybe you're trying
to think too much
about how you're doing,
rather than what's coming up.
The exit of the corner,
is far more important
than the entry of the corner,
with regards to smoothness.
One of the big keys is
you never press the gas pedal
until you know you never
have to take it off.
Right.
In other words,
lots of people
stamp on the gas pedal,
thinking they'll go faster,
then they take it off,
put it on, take it off,
and finally get it on again.
You don't wanna do that.
That was a nice soothing chat.
On the track, though,
the man does like to make
his point.
STEWART: In, in, in, in.
In, in, in.
Brake, brake, brake!
Brake, brake.
More power, more power,
more power.
Full power, full power,
full power.
This is probably what will
happen to me in hell.
A TVR, a race track
and a pedantic Scotsman.
But, thanks to a mix
of bossiness and wisdom...
Down a gear early.
Get all the work done,
so you can concentrate on
finding speed on the corner.
The lap time started
to tumble.
Two minutes 23 seconds.
Power off, brake, down a gear.
Keep your head together.
Too busy, you feel the car
responding badly?
Turn it in. Turn it in.
Feed it out. Power on. Full!
2 minutes 15.
By mid-afternoon the tartan
taskmaster had knocked
11 seconds,
off my original
and allowed me a tea-break.
The thing I really like
about your era, the '70s,
you just pushed the boundaries
a bit further.
You got to the outside
of the envelope,
more than people do
these days, I think.
It was more obvious,
cause we had less down-force,
that's less aerodynamic,
fewer wings,
the car slid more.
I was actually thinking more
in terms of the hairstyles.
It's pretty close to what
you've got now, actually.
Is it a case of...
"If you look like
Jackie Stewart, you'll go
like Jackie Stewart."
You're trying to do that now,
aren't you, with the hair?
-I'm halfway there.
-Let's have another go,
see what happens.
-Okay.
Stay with it. Full power!
You feel the car doing that,
I don't wanna feel that.
Whoops-a-daisy!
Don't put the power on
till you know you never
have to take it off.
Good.
-2:10. Yep.
-2:10?
Jackie had now slashed my time
by a massive 16 seconds,
but any extra improvement
was getting harder and harder.
You've gotta concentrate.
You're not using the same
board as before.
Get your head together.
See, you missed that apex
probably by six feet.
Whoa...
Power on. On power. On power.
Time was running out
and we still had to find
another four seconds.
So, he pulled me in
for a final pep talk.
You're quite busy here.
First, we compared his
and my telemetry.
At the top we've got,
your lap is in red
and Jackie's is in blue.
And the differences
were alarming.
STEWART:
Your acceleration here,
you see how untidy it is.
Well, it's not perfect.
This is something he does
when he coaches
current Formula One drivers.
But if you can show them
how to do it,
why don't you just carry on
being a Formula One driver?
Because I don't want
to be doing that any more.
Finally he went
into Yoda mode.
If you're going into a corner
and I do that to you,
look, you're falling over.
-If I do that to you,
you lean into me.
-Yeah.
So you know it's gonna happen.
The car reacts to you
in exactly the same way.
It's like, if you walk up
behind a vicious dog,
if you talk to the dog
on the way up,
it won't be caught by surprise
and it won't do
something unpredictable.
Obvious, really.
Jackie had just over an hour
to shave off those
last four seconds
and get me down to 2:06.
-Go for it!
-Yes, yes, that's good!
More power, more power.
Full power.
Steer the angle off.
Steer left. Good.
Better this time.
Gently off the power.
On power. Good.
-Yes!
-That's good. 2:09.
I'd absorbed all
the master's advice.
I just needed to have faith
in the speeds he said,
the car could do.
Over there. Power on.
Not quite good enough.
One more lap. Full power.
-Yes! Yes!
-Good! Very good!
Turn it in, turn it in.
Power on, angle off,
steering angle. Good.
Good lap so far. Keep going.
In more. Kick it out.
Full power. Full!
You've just done
two minutes, 6.74.
Hang on, let me just...
You've done it!
-Have I?
-Yep.
You've done 6.7.
MAY: Yes! Yes! I knew it!
-Well done! Well done, mate!
Captain Quite Fast!
Can I... Can I just say,
watching that,
you hardly spoke at all!
Ah! Yes, I meant
to apologise for that.
The thing is,
I was concentrating
so hard on learning to drive,
-I forgot that I was
a television presenter.
-Yes. Evidently.
Did you forget to remember
what the TVR was like?
Actually, I rather liked it.
In the old days, a TVR,
you'd have thought,
"That's a ticket to a festival
of plastic death!"
Actually,
I thought it was good
and it handled really well.
Sir Jackie Stewart said
it handled well.
-She's a discerning woman!
It's just a shame, of course,
that the factory's
closing down.
It is, we could dwell
on that for ages,
but we must now
put a star in our brand new
reasonably priced car.
When our guest tonight
first came here,
he was so spectacular,
we named a corner
in his honour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
Sir Michael Follow-through.
-How are you?
-All right?
-Good to see you again.
-Have a seat!
Michael Gambon is here!
Ooh.
What a man!
Now, I've gotta be honest.
I've gotta be honest.
I'm very surprised
you came back,
after your last visit here.
Well, I thought I was
a huge success.
You, a huge success!
I'm a household name because
of that corner, Gambon Corner.
Everyone knows it.
Judy Dench is after me.
Judy Dench fancies you,
because...
She fancies me like mad,
because of that,
it makes me very butch.
We've got a clip, actually,
here,
which we can show to you
of what we're on about
for those of you who weren't
watching Top Gear way back...
Here he goes.
Okay, we're off the road
and then...
Nearly roll it over.
I mean, seriously,
we've had some even more
spectacular offs.
I think that was
the fourth ever Top Gear.
We thought, "We've just killed
the Singing Detective."
I know,
about time someone killed him.
Of course, since then
Harry Potter's come along.
Yeah, I'm Dumbledore.
Richard Harris did two films,
then he died.
I'm now on my third.
Do you understand
the first thing that's been
said in Harry Potter?
I read the script
and learn the lines
and I try to understand it.
I have to understand it,
don't I? Sort of.
Quite often I don't know
what's going on
in other films I do.
Such as, Layer Cake,
did you know
what was going on in that?
-No idea.
-Really?
And then when I did
Gosford Park,
I must admit I hadn't read it
before I started shooting.
I sat down on the first day
at the dinner table
with Maggie Smith
and the whole cast
and I thought.
"I don't know
what's going on!"
I thought my wife was
Maggie Smith.
But it wasn't.
And all through the scene,
I was making eyes at her
and she said,
"Who are you looking at?"
-You still do plays,
presumably?
-I do plays.
This year I'm doing
my best play ever.
It's a play by Samuel Beckett
and it's half an hour long.
Isn't that brilliant?
And I don't speak.
There's one voice going
on a tape recorder
all through it,
that's Penelope Wilton.
That's recorded,
so I sit there
by myself and listen.
-You sit on a...
-I sit on a bed.
-All by yourself?
-By myself.
-For half an hour
and don't say anything?
-Wearing pyjamas.
Do people come and see this?
They reckon it's the greatest
play ever written.
How? You?
Do you have to react then?
Well, there's a video camera
projecting my face
onto a scrim, 30 foot high.
It comes in in nine stages.
Closer and closer.
I can't move my face
or it will look like
an explosion.
I must keep very still.
And then act without moving?
And act at the same time.
It's very difficult.
Without talking or moving.
Without talking or moving.
That's hard.
-That's why they
got me for him.
Can you look guilty
without moving?
-Can I look guilty?
-Yeah, guilty.
I look guilty all the time.
-Erm...
I must say,
I tried acting the other day
for something
which is coming out later.
-I could do angry.
I find angry very easy.
-That's easy.
Then they said,
"Can you be tender?"
-"No."
-Bond.
-I could be Bond.
You were going to be Bond!
Well, I was interviewed
for Bond when I was young.
-By Cubby Broccoli?
-Yeah.
We went upstairs
and sat at the table
and I said... I laughed.
I said,
"I can't be James Bond."
He said, "Why not?"
I said "Well, I've got tits
and double chin, no teeth."
"And a bald head."
He said, "Oh,
so has Sean Connery."
Well, it's...
I said, "How would you
cover the tits?"
He said, "We'd just
put the leather bags,
full of ice on there.
"Just before the take.
They go..."
What, Sean Connery
you're saying, is a woman?
Well, that's what I was told.
I mean, let's be honest.
You are actually
quite famous, for making
stuff up in interviews.
-Stories.
-Yeah.
Well, you have to.
I hate interviews.
Oh, God. Sorry.
Well, I do, and it's awful,
so I just tell lies.
So if someone...
I know you did
once tell an interviewer
you were a member
of the Royal Ballet.
Yeah, I said
I was a ballet dancer
at Royal Ballet.
-What are you laughing at?
And he said,
"Why did you give it up?"
I said, "I fell off
the stage at the opera house
"and went through
a kettle drum."
Then you said to someone else
you were gay.
Yes. I said I was gay.
The man said,
"You played Oscar..."
I played Oscar Wilde.
He said,
"Did you find that difficult?"
I said, "No, I didn't."
He said, "What about
the homosexuality?"
So that annoyed me, you know?
And I said,
"Well, I found that very easy
because I used to be
a homosexual."
And he was so thick, you know.
I said, "But I was
forced to give it up."
And then
he asked the question.
He said, "Oh, why was that?
Why was that?"
I said, "Because it made
my eyes water."
It's true.
And I thought he'd laugh,
but he didn't.
-He's so...
-He wrote it down.
There are those press junkets
as well when you go round,
telling there's a marvellous
opportunity to lie,
-when they launch a film.
-Yeah.
-Actors have to move around...
-I've done a lot of that.
You get an interview
every 10 minutes
with a video camera
and they queue up outside
the door in some posh hotel.
But all us, actors,
before we do it,
give each other tasks.
And one of my tasks
on Sleepy Hollow,
Johnny Depp told me
I had to get
Claudia Schiffer's knickers
into my reply
for each question.
-Every...
-Every question.
-Every question!
-Did you manage it?
-Easy.
Now the great thing is,
of course,
is that you actually trained
as an engineer, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah.
-That's your sort
of first love.
-Yeah, my passion!
-You know that Prodrive
we've got today?
-Yeah.
-Do you understand
there's a difference?
-Of course, everyone does.
-You don't.
-Yes.
It's just two cogs rotating.
One wheel goes faster
than the other.
-Yes, I know.
-But this has electronics
inside, doesn't it?
He should be a presenter.
I'm surprised
you're presenting
this programme
and you don't know
about the Prodrive.
I don't know how it works!
You'd be astonished.
-I do know, I do know...
-Everyone here does.
-No, I'm...
-Okay, well,
we'll talk about cars then.
-Yeah.
You can give us a comparison.
How is our new car
compared to our old one?
Oh, I think,
it's easier to drive.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Well, we're gonna
find out now.
Oh, God, please,
don't show this.
Who'd like to see Michael
having a practise?
-No one.
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's have a look at this.
Let's have a look.
MICHAEL GAMBON:
Where are we here?
It looks like
second-to-last corner.
CLARKSON:
Yes, it is, second to last.
Just before Gambon!
I was so frightened.
Look at that poor old man.
Are we ready
to see the full lap now?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Play the tape.
-CLARKSON:
That was an aggressive start.
Ooh, there's one
in there somewhere.
You got it.
How old are you now,
if that's not a rude question?
-Twenty-eight.
-Twenty-eight?
CLARKSON: Clear.
Well, that's now...
Well, that was actually
cutting that corner
but since it's slippery
through that I'll let you off.
A relaxed driving style,
I would say.
But aggressive. That's quick.
And into the Hammerhead.
Not cutting this one.
Gonna kill the cameraman.
No, he's running away.
That's all right.
God!
This is where Stig...
Did he tell you
to go flat out?
GAMBON: Yeah. Look.
-CLARKSON : And you are doing
flat out through here?
-Yeah.
-CLARKSON : Whoo!
Moved the camera.
Closer. Here we go,
he's coming up
to Gambon, everybody!
Your own corner!
He's gone right around!
Across the line!
CLARKSON: It is...
What is it with that corner?
I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Anyway, last time you were
here in the Liana. 1:55.
Terrible.
You did it in the Lacetti,
in one minute...
Due to the unique way
the BBC is funded,
the pen doesn't work.
That increases the tension.
No, no, no! I shall manage.
One minute...
55 to beat, remember?
Your last time.
50.3!
So, there we are,
ladies and gentlemen!
Exactly the same as...
In fact...
I'm feeling generous.
I'll put you above him.
Well done.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
-Michael Gambon!
-Oh!
Thank you so much for coming.
Now, the car that I've been
most looking forward
to driving this year
is not the new Ferrari 599
or the Lamborghini
Gallardo Spyder!
No, it's this!
The new Citroen C6.
Unfortunately,
as it turns out,
Jeremy has also been
looking forward to driving
the new Citroen C6.
And, well,
he's bigger than me,
so he's done it.
CLARKSON:
This is the old Citroen CX.
And it was mad in every way.
The stereo is vertical.
The indicator switch is here
and it doesn't self-cancel.
And the brakes work
like a switch.
They're either off like now
or they're on like...
Trying to drive this car
through a town
was like trying to wire a plug
while wearing boxing gloves.
It was always going
to end in tears.
Oh, no indicators.
Great. Sorry.
Oops, sorry.
But you know what, I loved it.
I love the one-prong
steering wheel,
the softness of the seats,
the softness of the suspension
and the space!
There was enough room
back here to stage
a small tennis tournament.
The CX was just so different,
so left-field.
And that's why I was sad
six years ago,
when Citroen announced
that they'd stop making
big insane cars for good.
Only now, they're back.
The original sketches
for what they had in mind
show something
radically different to the BMW
and Mercedes norm.
Something not at all German.
And this is what resulted.
It's been toned down a bit
from those original drawings,
but it still has four
pillarless doors,
a concave rear windscreen,
and suspension
that lets it move about
while it's standing still.
It's the same story
with the interior.
If you go
for the cream leather,
it's a pleasant place to sit.
Much more Paris than Berlin.
And that's all very nice
but where is the lunacy?
Yes, it's got double glazing
so it's very quiet, and yes,
it's got a head-up display,
and yes,
there's a feature in the seat
that vibrates if I stray
over the white lines.
Which is nice
if you're a bachelor.
But I want it to feel
completely different
to any other car.
I want to start it
by licking a panel here
on the steering wheel.
I want the gear lever
to be made from rhubarb
and just stick
out of the sun visor.
I want to feel like I'm in
a Salvador Dali painting
and it's all melting.
So how does it stack up?
Is this an indicator?
Yes, it is. It shouldn't be.
That should be
the boot release.
The indicator should be
in here somewhere.
It's all wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
As a car,
it's conventional too.
It's front-wheel drive,
rather than side-wheel drive.
And prices start at £29,500
rather than 29,500 zargs.
The steering wheel
is circular.
The seats are German-hard
and while there is enough
space in the back for me,
there isn't enough
to take a dog for a walk.
And you should be able
to do that in the back
of a big Citroen. You should!
So it's beginning to look
like the cheese-eating
surrender monkeys
have bottled it.
And now we get to the
most disappointing thing
of them all.
The handling.
A big Citroen should
flop about like a boat.
But this, I'm afraid,
goes around corners
rather well.
So does this mean
they've tuned it
solely on hydro-pneumatic
complicated suspension
for cornering
rather than comfort?
Cos that really would be
the final nail in its coffin.
CLARKSON: Well, to find out,
we've dreamed up
a rather unusual test.
For years,
television camera crews
covering horse racing events
used Citroens.
And that's why we're
at Towcester Races today.
You see, the 2:30 race today
will be covered by two cars.
The first eight furlongs.
from camera
mounted on the roof of the C6.
And the second eight furlongs
from the camera
mounted on the BMW 5 series.
This is the surface
they'll be driving on.
Rutted. Pot-holed. Broken.
Right, the horses are ready.
The bets are placed.
The punters are eager
for the off.
So let's go over now
to our commentator,
Jim McGrath.
JIM McGRATH: Well,
as an experiment,
I'm throwing away
the binoculars for this race
and relying solely on the
pictures from the camera
on the moving vehicle.
And they're coming in.
And they're off!
And in the very early stage
is going on here is Andy Gin
who's up vying
for the early lead
with the Signature Tune.
Just behind him,
the Black Thorn
on the near side.
Then followed by
Signature Tune
and Hunting Lodge
and Dorney's Well
from Mason and Malagavoy.
And the Citroen's
pneumatic suspension
absorbing the bumps
nicely there.
This is unbelievably smooth.
McGRATH: As they continue
on the far side,
it's still Black Thorn
who makes the running
from up there on the outside
and Andy Gin
and behind them
is Signature Tune
and Hunting Lodge.
It's like driving over silk!
And that's a rough,
old track.
But the Citroen
is riding it well.
Time now to hand over
to the BMW.
See how it gets on.
And it's Black Thorn
who shows out with a noseband
by couple of lengths here.
Signature Tune
is up there, that's um...
Oh, oh dear, it's erm...
Very bumpy now.
It's, er...
Well, you can see that
better than I am!
The last time they came
into the home straight,
it was, er, Black Thorn.
But Andy Gin
up on the outside.
I'd love to tell you
what's happening, but I can't!
Last time I saw it,
it was Andy Gin in front.
But frankly,
I haven't got a clue
who've actually won.
I do. It was the Citroen.
Obviously,
for when your hair's on fire,
you need the BMW,
but for comfort,
the C6 is just uncanny.
MAY: Hold it, hold it.
Let me make sure
I've got this right.
You're saying,
you'd buy the Citroen,
if it's your job
to cover the horse racing.
-Yeah.
-If you do anything else,
you'd have a BMW.
What I'm saying, in essence,
is that it's not as mad
as I was hoping it would be.
But really it's...
If you want comfort
more than speed,
this is the car for you.
But isn't the worry
with the big Citroen always
that you just lose
all your money?
I rang Citroen about that,
talked to a man.
And I said,
"What are you
gonna do to stop that?"
And he said, "Ah-ha!
We will buy back
anybody's Citroen C6
"when they're finished
with it."
-Really?
-Yep.
-Guaranteed
to buy it back.
-For how much?
He wouldn't tell me.
So, it could be 25p.
It could be 25p,
but there's no more
comfortable way
of losing your money.
And now we must move on
to do the Cool Wall!
HAMMOND: Yeah,
It's the Cool Wall!
Yeah.
And...
And we start
with the Citroen C6,
the car Jeremy
has just reviewed.
Now, one thing it has
in its favour.
-Exclusivity.
-Absolutely.
You'll be looking around...
"Let's see who else
has got one of these.
No. It's just me."
It is, and the great thing
about driving one of those
is everyone will think
you are an assassin!
Yes, they will.
Who's that man?
Now, you're gonna have
to narrow that down
for us, Jeremy...
He's French.
That Frenchman...
You have to focus
that a bit more, mate.
But what man!
What do you mean?
The guy who was
in Ronin and Leon.
-In the films?
-Yeah, coolest man
in the world.
-What's his name? What?
-Jean Reno. Jean Reno.
Jean Reno? That's annoying
cos that's ruined
my argument.
He's a very good man.
Jean Reno
would have a Citroen.
I know that sounds weird,
and that makes it verging...
In fact, a super-cool car!
HAMMOND: Can we move on?
CLARKSON: Yeah.
Can we talk about this?
The Peugeot 207.
French. Small. Cool.
Normally you'd be right.
But you're wrong. It's not.
-What?
-It's not! It's not cool!
-It's a Peugeot.
-All French super-minis
are cool, you know that.
Apart from the Peugeot.
They make some of the
least cool cars in the world!
Who's tucked your shirt in?
-Me. Why?
-Well, there you are.
You don't know what cool is.
At least I can see
where to tuck it in,
underneath this...
-AUDIENCE: Whoo!
-What?
It might have been a low blow.
Well, for me,
it was a high blow.
But you see what I mean...
What are you doing?
-I'm texting
Kristin Scott Thomas.
-No, you're not.
-I am.
-Why?
Because she is the arbiter
of all these things
and she will tell us
whether this is cool or not.
Oh, so you're gonna text?
It isn't cool!
How do you text?
-Oh!
Seriously, so somewhere
in the world on a film set,
a glamorous actress is
gonna receive a text
from an old man
on a car show,
asking about a hatchback.
-Phonebook.
-God, you've got her number.
There.
How drunk was she
when she gave you that?
She was tied up, actually.
-Have you really sent that?
-Yes.
And if my bottom vibrates
with a text back
I'll move it down,
but it's cool now.
No! Hang on a second.
Let's do it the other way.
Move it up if she texts you.
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Thank you.
What about this,
the Skoda Fabia vRS?
Ooh, what are we thinking?
-Seriously uncool.
-Really? Why's that?
-Ugly.
-It's a Skoda!
-It's a Skoda?
-It's a Skoda!
Yeah, he's right, he's right.
He's got a modern haircut.
What the hell
has happened to you?
Are you treading
on one of the cables?
No, I stepped on the cable.
God. Let's get
the makeup girls,
so we can get that
pulled back down again.
Whoo! Jesus Christ.
What the hell!
What's your opinion
on the Skoda?
-It's rubbish, isn't it?
Skodas are always...
-Yes?
-It's hideous.
-It's hid...
HAMMOND:
It's... It's not hideous!
It's not a bad-looking car.
It's just...
You drive past a bar
full of women and no-one's
gonna look at that.
-CLARKSON: Well.
-It's absolutely ugly!
Drive past
a bar full of women,
nobody's gonna look
at you in that.
Shirt is what she was saying.
This is a deep...
All Skodas are deeply uncool.
Basically, they're just
Volkswagens mean people.
-Are we right?
-That's it!
-Hang on.
-What you got your text?
-No!
-Bear with me.
I thought it'd vibrated.
Now, Saab 95.
-Uncool.
-What?
-Saabs, they're uncool.
-No, no. they're cool.
No, they're bought by people
who think they're being cool
and that is uncool.
A Mondeo
is actually cool.
A Saab. It's just...
It's just a Vectra in one
of those fashionable suits
with no collar made by
IKEA or something.
They're cool.
Or rather, they used to be,
cos they've just restyled it
for the next year.
You wanna see
what they've done?
They've fitted it with
Dame Edna Everage's
spectacles.
HAMMOND: Have they done that?
CLARKSON: Yeah.
So, I saw one of those
on the road
and I thought somebody
had done it to his own car.
It's an uncool car,
unfortunately.
Ooh!
Come on, then.
Let's see, finally.
Has she?
She hasn't, has she?
-No.
"Jeremy? Jeremy who?"
Maybe I should've put
"Jeremy Clarkson" at the end.
-Of Top Gear.
-Oh, yeah.
-The tall one.
-Yeah, the car braggart.
But we've got 10,
12 minutes left.
-There's time.
- Course, mate.
There's time to save the 207,
but now we must move on!
Yes. A year ago, Hammond and I
had a game of car football
in Toyota AYGOs like this one.
I lost, and we thought
that was the end of it,
but no,
because World Cup fever
has gripped the nation
and now the AYGO
has a challenger.
HAMMOND:
This is the gauntlet-thrower
in question.
It's called
the Volkswagen Fox.
It takes over from the Lupo
as the smallest VW
you can buy,
and the first plus point
is you get more
for your money.
It's bigger in every way
than the Lupo
but it's cheaper.
The basic 1.2 model
costs £6,600.
£1,300 less
than the equivalent Lupo.
You can feel
the space in here.
I mean, it's no Earl's Court
but it is good for a car
of this size.
So good work on the space.
But as for the dashboard...
Oh, dear.
It must take more work
to make something
look this boring.
And the plastic?
You know that
stuff that holds chocolates
in a box of Milk Tray?
Yeah.
This car here
has the smallest engine.
A 1.2l petrol
that does 0-60 in 17 seconds.
That is pretty leisurely,
but don't think
it means a dull drive.
It's got
loads and loads of grip.
So you really can
chuck it around
once you go up to speed.
And it rides really well.
It's comfortable.
So there we are, a decent,
well-priced small car.
But crucially, nothing in its
appearance to suggest
it can beat the mighty AYGO
at car football.
The fact is, though,
the AYGO should be worried.
Very worried.
Because that might be
a VW badge on the front,
but that is not a German car.
Oh, no.
In fact,
the Fox is from Brazil.
So let's see if their skill
has rubbed off on their cars.
And indeed find out
if they're good enough
to beat the current
Top Gear champions.
In contrast to
the shiny new Foxes,
the AYGOs are sporting
a few injuries
from their last match.
So I'll captain
the Brazilians,
and the Aygos will be led
by my old rival Nobby May.
It's a tough one to call,
isn't it?
Because the Foxes are
definitely the bigger players.
I still think that the AYGO
is the more nimble car.
I know what all those
football bores will say,
"The Japanese have never
been very good at football."
But they're not
actually Japanese
cos they're made
in the Czech Republic.
And apparently,
they're very good at football.
My one worry
about this whole thing
is that after seeing this,
people aren't gonna be
bothered about watching
the real World Cup.
-Call!
-Heads.
-Heads, it isn't.
-Tails.
But I'm gonna
let you kick off.
-Really?
-Yes.
-Into the wind.
-Exactly.
MAY: You don't know
much about football,
do you?
Last time we played this,
you called half time
"the interval."
-HAMMOND: James and I
were in the opposing
number one cars
and the rest of the team,
featured the same mix
of stunt and race drivers
from the last AYGO match.
-I don't know
if I have mentioned
but the parcel shelf in this
is made out of pineapples.
Dunno if that'll help.
We're off!
It's a game of football!
The Brazilian skill
was immediately obvious.
But the AYGOs
hadn't lost their touch.
MAY: Fantastic dribbling
by May, Number 1!
May's on for the goal!
HAMMOND:
The Brazilians, though,
were bigger and tackled hard.
You fouled!
But eventually
the AYGO agility
shone through.
Oh, this is the old firm
in action. We're all over 'em.
Like cheap suits.
Pass to number 2.
He's found the gap!
Yes!
No!
What a player
from the Czech Republic there.
That, mate, was a magnificent
choreographed goal.
Yes, yes. Yes, yes.
Don't worry, Brazil,
let's not be down-hearted.
We have good qualities.
Just speed off the line
isn't one of them.
HAMMOND:
And the AYGOs took
full advantage of this fact.
Nice!
Bringing the score
quickly to 2-0.
MAY: Yes!
It's so chuckable.
It's like having a train
with wheels on it.
HAMMOND: With my Brazilian
Foxes 2-0 down
as the interval approached,
tempers started to get frayed.
Ooh!
Ooh!
- But when the horn went.
The score was still 2-0,
leaving the AYGOs
over the moon.
Lovely work.
And the Foxes
sick as parrots
etcetera, etcetera.
Still, the interval
was a good time to see
how the cars were faring.
His gear lever has come off.
That's a worry, I suppose.
Maybe it's built down
to a price.
HAMMOND: You rammed me
while I was on a run!
MAY: I didn't.
Once again that was
a superb sliding tackle.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, dear, I'll just...
You can see the difference.
Look. This one isn't
really deformed.
So, I mean, these AYGOs
are tough, we know that.
-The AYGOs are very, very
tough little car, but...
-Yeah. Well, there's that bit.
-Apart from that,
that is fine.
HAMMOND:
Not only was James bolshie,
he was also unsporting.
Oi! You cheating great...
HAMMOND:
The second half...
And boy, did my Foxes
have a mountain to climb.
MAY: Lovely interception.
HAMMOND: Suddenly
the hand of God intervened
and the heavens opened.
The wet pitch started
to favour the heavier,
tougher Brazilians.
Good work!
Number 2 brushed off the AYGOs
with a scorching run.
Foxes on a run.
HAMMOND:
Yes, my Foxes were
finally into their stride.
They quickly banged home
the equaliser.
No!
Yes!
And then
following an AYGO foul...
Oh, that was a big crash!
We were given a free kick.
And took a 3-2 lead.
No!
HAMMOND: With full time
approaching fast,
the game really hotted up.
HAMMOND:
Ow! That was dirty play.
A fight even broke out
with James bearing the brunt.
-Oh!
Oh, dear!
HAMMOND: The scrap left
"Wayne" May injured.
MAY: Broken me metatarsal.
Ah, that's better.
HAMMOND:
But this only spurred
the AYGOs on.
And with just minutes to go...
They equalised.
Oh, yes!
Ha, ha, ha! It's worthy
of the England 1960...
Oh, shut up.
We really do need to
pull our fingers out here.
The score now at 3-3
and the final
whistle imminent,
the agile AYGOs were all over
the Foxes' goalmouth.
HAMMOND: No!
Our only chance
was to smash them
out of the way.
It was me versus AYGO 4
down the wing.
HAMMOND: Come on, baby!
I'd lost the ball.
Damn!
But number 6
came out of nowhere.
Yes!
-Oh, no!
Odious little man.
We are the winners!
I think...
I honestly can't see
how anybody's gonna bother
watching a real World Cup
after that.
It was just
a better spectacle.
Absolutely.
The real thing's dull.
-What're you doing?
-I've got a text!
-From Kristin?
-Yes.
-Really?
-Yes. Here it is.
Go on, then.
Er... Um. It says,
"You know about
the restraining order..."
"That includes texts.
I'm calling the police."
And on that bombshell
it's time to end.
Sadly for the next five weeks
we won't be here
cos we're making way
for Wayne Rooney's ears.
But we'll be back in July
so see you then!
Thanks for watching!
Goodnight!
the new Citroen C6,
hovercraft or horse manure?
Jackie Stewart teaches
Captain Slow how to drive.
Don't bother
watching the World Cup,
cause we've sorted it already.
Hello and welcome.
Now, it's not unusual
for racing car companies
to start making road cars.
Ferrari, for example,
and Lotus,
more recently, McLaren.
Well, now another one
is having a go.
The very famous...
Prodrive.
Prodrive is responsible
for the Subaru rally cars.
They also designed
and run the Aston Martin
endurance cars,
and until last year,
the Honda BAR F1 team as well.
A pretty successful
operation then.
But at the firms
Christmas party
a couple of years ago,
the boss of the company said,
"Look, we've conquered
the world's race tracks.
"Now let's do the same
on the roads."
This is what they
came up with,
as a base.
It's a Subaru R1 city car,
and what they've done
is turn it,
into this.
It's called simply the P2
and it's amazing!
The new coupe body was done
by the same man
who styled the McLaren F1.
Don't think, however,
that this is all show
and no go.
CLARKSON: The engine
is from a Subaru Impreza,
but it has a bigger
turbo charger,
so now you get 345
brake horsepower.
You also get
a funny little noise
from the waste gate,
when you take your foot
off the accelerator.
Sounds like squirrels
are being pushed
into the engine.
That's what this is,
it's a squirrel mincer.
It doesn't just sound
like a rally car either,
because it weighs about
the same as a human hair,
it goes like one, too!
0-60...
3.8 seconds.
Top speed, 174!
Score!
One reason why it's so fast is
because it has something
called anti-lag,
which no-one in the world
can explain.
So, the P2 then.
It's good looking, quick,
and with a projected price
of just £40,000,
good value, too.
And we haven't even got
to the really good stuff yet.
In normal mode,
it handles like a normal
Subaru Impreza, actually.
Loads and loads
and loads of grip,
and then,
that hint of understeer.
If I turn this little knob
here to three...
This turns on the car's
electronic brain.
Now,
it's a very different animal.
No understeer at all.
This system is even more
complicated than the anti-lag,
but, one of Prodrives
engineers decided to actually
have a stab at explaining it.
The control of the
centre differential, clutch,
is controlled through
the computer, it looks at
the steering angle.
You've got your sensors
and accelerometers
and you've got steering
wheel position,
the slip angle of the car
through the throttle,
but if you then apply
longitudinal force...
Drive torques
to the rear tyres,
you lose lateral grip
the torque split through.
The relative speeds
of the front-rear diff,
does that help?
The relative speeds of...
It's probably simpler
to demonstrate the system
with a practical experiment.
I'm going round this
circle of cones here with
the diff turned off, okay?
I'm doing 30 miles an hour
and I'm going wide,
basically, look!
It's going wider and wider,
it's just understeer.
Now.
Turn the diff on
and see what happens.
CLARKSON: Okay, 30mph to beat.
38.
40.
45.
It just kept getting
faster and faster
until the inevitable happened.
Oh!
Quite a car, then.
Not only can
it blow your mind,
but also empty your stomach.
Er! Not nice!
I don't wanna see that!
Plenty of saltwater
or go for a drive in that.
I don't get it.
How did you
make yourself sick,
when you were driving?
I wasn't driving.
I was sitting behind the wheel
while all the technology
summoned up the chunks.
Yeah, it did that.
The grip on this
is phenomenal, it really is.
It's an amazing thing
and there's something
else amazing.
-What?
-Well, there's been all that
bru-ah-ha about the demise
of the British motor industry.
Vauxhall with 1,000 jobs gone,
Peugeot, Jaguar closing down
plants in Coventry.
-Rover have gone
TVR on their uppers.
-Yeah.
Well, there you go!
This could be the answer.
-Could be,
but they won't make it!
-Why?
Because they say that
this is what a Prodrive
road car would be like,
if they could be bothered
to put it into production,
but they can't.
What's the point in that?
That's like saying,
"I could fly like an eagle,
but I can't be bothered!"
It's just a technological
showcase.
It's them saying,
"Look how clever we are!"
They're not gonna make it,
it's a great shame.
We'll find out now
just how fast
it goes round our track.
That means handing it over
to our racing driver.
Some say that the outline
of his left nipple,
is exactly the same shape
as the Nurburgring.
And if you give him a really
important job to do,
he'll skive off
and play croquet.
All we know is,
he's called The Stig.
CLARKSON: Whoops!
Bit of flame from
the exhaust, and he's off!
Ooh! Look at the car
pitching on its suspension,
as The Stig slams home
another gear.
Active Diff is switched
on here, of course.
System can make any driver
look like Michael Schumacher,
but in Stig's case
that'd make him look
worse than he is!
Look how neatly he gets
out the first corner.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Dove posso comprare
semaforo?
MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Where can I buy
traffic lights?
Whoa!
He's rocking up in Chicago,
gets the nose a bit wide,
and the computer shifts
the torque around,
drags everything
back on track.
Hammerhead, this is
the real handling test.
Subaru would wash wide,
but the P2's brain shunts
drive where it's needed,
gets the tail working,
punches him out
the other side.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
E sporco.
MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
It's dirty.
CLARKSON: Going down
to follow through.
Don't think
he's lifted at all!
Stig and computer's
working together,
animal and machine,
in perfect harmony.
He's turning in now,
second to last corner,
that's very tidy,
coming up to Gambon,
picking up dust
like a rally car
and across the line!
This is interesting, this.
Now...
Now, when he did it,
he did a lap in that without
the diff turned on,
he did a 1:29, which is,
sort of, way down
here somewhere, okay?
But with the diff
actually activated,
he did it in one minute 24.3,
so it's half a second quicker
than an Evo 400.
Evo has 60 more horsepower
and that's all down
to the diff.
If you want to know
how this diff works,
I've put something about it...
Well, I haven't put anything
on the internet about it,
obviously,
but James May,
has written something
on our website.
So if you want to know
about the technology
of this car,
or go onto Google and write,
"I haven't got any friends."
And now it's time
for the news.
Yes, it is.
The big news this week
is it's time once again
for the Top Gear survey.
You see,
we test cars for a week,
and in that time we can
work out how fast they are,
how big the boot is,
how comfortable they are.
But we can't work out
what they're like
to live with everyday,
and that is where
you come in...
-What are you doing?
-What?
What are you doing?
This is what you do
in the news these days.
You've not been watching
these bulletins,
they walk about
with a bit of paper,
and then they talk
to one camera
and for no obvious reason,
switch to another one.
And then another. Like that.
Er, anyway, the point is,
is that if your car is on
an 03,
an 05,
an 04...
Or a 54 plate,
we want to hear
from you, okay?
So please write to us
Are you gonna stop that now?
It's really irritating.
No, I'll do the next bit
like Channel Five,
Kirsty Young is always
halfway up a staircase
when she does hers.
-Up here.
-That's like
news pole dancing.
-CLARKSON: It is!
HAMMOND: No, that's worse.
That is worse. Sit down.
Just try sitting down!
-I'll give it a whirl.
-It might catch on.
-See?
-What do you think?
We could do the news
like this, what do we think?
I like it. It works.
CLARKSON: Here we go.
Okay, here we are,
with the sitting-down news,
which comes from Subaru
who are arranging a series
of track days for £250.
You can go to the Prodrive
test track
and thrash around,
in an Impreza
or those bigger ones
-whose name...
-Legacy.
Legacy, that's the one.
There's only a few conditions.
You must be 18 years or over.
You must have had
a full driving licence
for over a year.
Ooh, and you must be
between 5'2" and 6'7".
So that's you two out.
Excellent.
That's heightist,
quite frankly.
I can't think of a better
recommendation, actually.
-Than what?
-Us not being able to do it?
Exactly. I'll be going,
I'll see you there.
Hey now, listen.
I have found,
what I consider to be pretty
close to the perfect car.
You know last year,
I drove to
the south of France,
I drove the Audi RS4?
Fantastic.
They've now brought out
this version of it, okay?
An RS4 Cabriolet.
Now that's about
as good as it's going to get.
I think that radiator grill
is pretty gopping, though.
But Uma Thurman has big hands.
You're not gonna say,
"Get out of my house,"
are you?
Yes.
Cos she's got big hands?
I don't like girls
with big hands.
Why don't you like girls
with big hands?
-It just looks wrong.
-What looks wrong?
She says,
"Hi, James, I'm Uma."
With her great big hand.
That's just wrong.
It's all big.
Listen, this has got
414bhp, four-wheel drive,
goes like the clappers,
sounds wonderful,
brilliant car, that.
You said that the only person
who ever looked good
in the back of a four-seat
convertible was Adolf Hitler.
-Yes. I did say that,
but it doesn't matter.
-You did.
Because the front seats
in an RS4 are so big
and buckety,
you can't get anyone
in the back anyway.
Oh, brilliant.
So the best thing about
your four-seater cabriolet
is you can only fit
two people in it.
-Yes.
-God, you do talk rubbish.
60 grand as well. Good value.
Hey now, listen.
-Anyone see the Monte Carlo
Grand Prix?
-Yeah.
-Really?
-Actually no.
No. I didn't think
you would've done.
-I didn't watch it either.
-They never watch Formula One.
Here's the thing.
Michael Schumacher is on
his hot lap, qualifying lap,
he stops and blocks the road,
and everyone says
that's cheating,
because he was gonna go on
pole position.
Even if,
even if it was cheating,
and I'm not sure that it was,
how brilliant is that?
You're driving 120 miles
through Monte Carlo,
like this,
and then you think,
"If I stop here,
I'll block the traffic,
"so I'll pretend to have
an accident
and there I am on pole!"
Honestly, he's a genius,
that man.
Not exactly sporting, is it?
That's the trouble
with Formula One.
Everyone is obsessed
with sporting behaviour!
Did you see
in the Nurburgring,
in the qualifying there?
There's what's his name.
The other Renault driver.
Fisichella. Fisichella
charging down the pit lane
to plant one on Villeneuve.
People go,
"That's not sporting!"
It is!
He's a young,
Mediterranean racing driver
and he wants to plant a big...
...on a stupid, short-sighted,
baggy-trousered Canadian.
And he should've
got points for it.
He should've got extra
points for that!
-Are you saying drivers should
get random points?
-Yes.
-Who'll give them
these points?
-Me.
Oh, there's a surprise!
Let me guess,
you'll sit in a big box,
high up,
overlooking the circuit,
maybe with a crown
made of leaves and a toga?
Then at the end you can decide
whether they win or they lose,
really badly.
I like the leaves.
-I thought you might.
-I hadn't thought
of the leaves.
I'd have given Schumacher 100
for being Dick Dastardly,
there we are!
-Can we move on?
I'm worried about the stress.
-No, I've another idea.
You know people in Sheffield
nightclubs,
they're always
egging their mates
to have a fight.
-Yes.
-All of those pit garages
should have one of those.
See that Alonso?
He were looking
at your pit board.
He spilt your practice lap,
what you gonna do?
You can't do nothin'.
It'd be brilliant.
Listen, Bernie,
if you're watching,
you've got my number,
give me a call
and some leaves.
I'm your man.
-On now to one of the coolest
cars of the year.
-What?
It is a Ford people carrier.
There it is, look!
CLARKSON: You know last week,
you banged your head while
you were driving my Mercedes.
Yes.
-Has this?
-No, no, seriously.
Bear with me.
For one thing,
it's a seven-seater MPV,
but it's really cool looking!
It's a great car.
He's absolutely right,
I have it, and I'm a bachelor.
It drives really well and...
What I mean is,
I like it as a car.
I don't have to think...
The seats swivel,
I can get a lot
of brightly coloured
Mothercare rugs in the back.
You can just have
your little brush for cleaning
the air vents, James.
James May on parenting.
"Brightly coloured
Mothercare..."
Anyway, you get that 2.5L,
five cylinder engine
from the fast Focus ST,
so it sounds brilliant,
it's fast, it handles well,
it's a cool car.
What you're saying then
is if your condom bursts,
it's not a problem any more.
There you go,
there's your answer.
Now, ordinarily...
Ordinarily, I wouldn't plug
any show that these
two are appearing in, okay?
But James has recently
signed up to host
a programme on Sky 32, okay?
-Called When Sharks Attack.
-Yeah.
Now, this is worth watching,
because I've managed
to procure a still,
from the production of James
and here it is.
CLARKSON: This is a show
you cannot miss.
HAMMOND: Is that legal
in this country?
It's the Barbie doll
thing here,
the Ken and Barbie crotch,
there's nothing happening.
I don't know
why you're laughing.
Hang on! I haven't done
anything silly lately.
There was a picture
in the paper last week,
which I've got,
on your Grail programme.
The publicity shot,
here it is!
How small was that horse?
It was...
Richard says, "Have you got
a My Little Pony?"
I looked at it and thought,
"That's what horses look like
when I get on them."
So, God knows what that was.
Anyway,
that is the end of the news.
Now, we must move on.
You remember last year?
I went out to California
and drove a Honda NSX
round a race track.
It was to do with racing
a time I'd set
on a PlayStation game.
The thing was,
I did it in 1minute 58, okay?
After a couple of laps,
I got to 1minute 58,
and then no matter
how many times I went round,
I couldn't go any faster.
It was my limit of talent
and bravery.
And after Jeremy's frankly
useless efforts were
put on the television,
a Scottish lady
called Jackie Stewart
wrote to us, saying...
She could get any one of us
to any race track
in the country in any car,
get us to set our best time
and then she could get us
to knock 20 seconds
off that time.
He. It's a he.
Jackie Stewart's a he.
Righto.
Anyway,
the point is we decided
to accept his challenge,
only we gave him
the most difficult pupil
of them all.
Him!
You find me
in unfamiliar surroundings.
This is a race track.
This is my bag of
go-faster clothing,
and I'm here for my date
with Sir Jackie.
MAY: And here he is,
making a typically understated
racing driver's entrance.
Immediately,
I let the McLegend
know what he was in for.
You know they
call me Captain Slow.
-Do they?
-Yeah.
Well, I've seen the bigger guy
drive very aggressively.
Mmm, and not very well,
I thought.
So, do you think
you can do it?
Never having driven
with you before,
it's difficult to say.
I'd be surprised if you
didn't turn out to be better
than the other two.
I like that.
For this coaching session,
Jackie had insisted on
a rear wheel drive car.
So, we chose the new
TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible,
because actually it's a car
we're very interested in.
Firstly, because TVR claims
it's their best-built,
best-driving car till date,
and secondly, with all their
present business problems,
it could well be
the company's swan song.
Before school began,
Jackie took the TVR out
to set his own lap time.
I'm scared already.
Jackie Stewart is 66,
a pensioner,
except no-one seems
to have told him that.
That warmed the tyres up.
JACKIE STEWART: Over the top
and lightly brake.
Gently get back on the power.
Full power, off the power,
down into second.
Let it roll in.
You can't see
half of this track,
as you're going along it.
No, I know. That's one of the
charming things about it.
Right.
Sir Jackie Stewart,
you did it in...
One minute, 58.9.
Now it was my turn.
The main thing to do is take
your time to begin with.
I might still
be taking my time
at the end of the day!
Let's wait and see.
MAY: For my first few laps,
Jackie, like Supernanny,
said nothing
and just observed.
Meanwhile, his race engineer
monitored my times
using the in-car telemetry.
My best time was poor.
STEWART:
Two minutes, 26 seconds.
Sod it!
Come on!
No matter what I did,
I couldn't improve it.
STEWART: You're gonna go
short of room here.
It seemed I'd hit
my talent wall,
just as Jeremy did
at Laguna Seca.
Jackie's target of knocking
my time down by 20 seconds
looked impossible.
Nevertheless, he set to work.
I think maybe you're trying
to think too much
about how you're doing,
rather than what's coming up.
The exit of the corner,
is far more important
than the entry of the corner,
with regards to smoothness.
One of the big keys is
you never press the gas pedal
until you know you never
have to take it off.
Right.
In other words,
lots of people
stamp on the gas pedal,
thinking they'll go faster,
then they take it off,
put it on, take it off,
and finally get it on again.
You don't wanna do that.
That was a nice soothing chat.
On the track, though,
the man does like to make
his point.
STEWART: In, in, in, in.
In, in, in.
Brake, brake, brake!
Brake, brake.
More power, more power,
more power.
Full power, full power,
full power.
This is probably what will
happen to me in hell.
A TVR, a race track
and a pedantic Scotsman.
But, thanks to a mix
of bossiness and wisdom...
Down a gear early.
Get all the work done,
so you can concentrate on
finding speed on the corner.
The lap time started
to tumble.
Two minutes 23 seconds.
Power off, brake, down a gear.
Keep your head together.
Too busy, you feel the car
responding badly?
Turn it in. Turn it in.
Feed it out. Power on. Full!
2 minutes 15.
By mid-afternoon the tartan
taskmaster had knocked
11 seconds,
off my original
and allowed me a tea-break.
The thing I really like
about your era, the '70s,
you just pushed the boundaries
a bit further.
You got to the outside
of the envelope,
more than people do
these days, I think.
It was more obvious,
cause we had less down-force,
that's less aerodynamic,
fewer wings,
the car slid more.
I was actually thinking more
in terms of the hairstyles.
It's pretty close to what
you've got now, actually.
Is it a case of...
"If you look like
Jackie Stewart, you'll go
like Jackie Stewart."
You're trying to do that now,
aren't you, with the hair?
-I'm halfway there.
-Let's have another go,
see what happens.
-Okay.
Stay with it. Full power!
You feel the car doing that,
I don't wanna feel that.
Whoops-a-daisy!
Don't put the power on
till you know you never
have to take it off.
Good.
-2:10. Yep.
-2:10?
Jackie had now slashed my time
by a massive 16 seconds,
but any extra improvement
was getting harder and harder.
You've gotta concentrate.
You're not using the same
board as before.
Get your head together.
See, you missed that apex
probably by six feet.
Whoa...
Power on. On power. On power.
Time was running out
and we still had to find
another four seconds.
So, he pulled me in
for a final pep talk.
You're quite busy here.
First, we compared his
and my telemetry.
At the top we've got,
your lap is in red
and Jackie's is in blue.
And the differences
were alarming.
STEWART:
Your acceleration here,
you see how untidy it is.
Well, it's not perfect.
This is something he does
when he coaches
current Formula One drivers.
But if you can show them
how to do it,
why don't you just carry on
being a Formula One driver?
Because I don't want
to be doing that any more.
Finally he went
into Yoda mode.
If you're going into a corner
and I do that to you,
look, you're falling over.
-If I do that to you,
you lean into me.
-Yeah.
So you know it's gonna happen.
The car reacts to you
in exactly the same way.
It's like, if you walk up
behind a vicious dog,
if you talk to the dog
on the way up,
it won't be caught by surprise
and it won't do
something unpredictable.
Obvious, really.
Jackie had just over an hour
to shave off those
last four seconds
and get me down to 2:06.
-Go for it!
-Yes, yes, that's good!
More power, more power.
Full power.
Steer the angle off.
Steer left. Good.
Better this time.
Gently off the power.
On power. Good.
-Yes!
-That's good. 2:09.
I'd absorbed all
the master's advice.
I just needed to have faith
in the speeds he said,
the car could do.
Over there. Power on.
Not quite good enough.
One more lap. Full power.
-Yes! Yes!
-Good! Very good!
Turn it in, turn it in.
Power on, angle off,
steering angle. Good.
Good lap so far. Keep going.
In more. Kick it out.
Full power. Full!
You've just done
two minutes, 6.74.
Hang on, let me just...
You've done it!
-Have I?
-Yep.
You've done 6.7.
MAY: Yes! Yes! I knew it!
-Well done! Well done, mate!
Captain Quite Fast!
Can I... Can I just say,
watching that,
you hardly spoke at all!
Ah! Yes, I meant
to apologise for that.
The thing is,
I was concentrating
so hard on learning to drive,
-I forgot that I was
a television presenter.
-Yes. Evidently.
Did you forget to remember
what the TVR was like?
Actually, I rather liked it.
In the old days, a TVR,
you'd have thought,
"That's a ticket to a festival
of plastic death!"
Actually,
I thought it was good
and it handled really well.
Sir Jackie Stewart said
it handled well.
-She's a discerning woman!
It's just a shame, of course,
that the factory's
closing down.
It is, we could dwell
on that for ages,
but we must now
put a star in our brand new
reasonably priced car.
When our guest tonight
first came here,
he was so spectacular,
we named a corner
in his honour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
Sir Michael Follow-through.
-How are you?
-All right?
-Good to see you again.
-Have a seat!
Michael Gambon is here!
Ooh.
What a man!
Now, I've gotta be honest.
I've gotta be honest.
I'm very surprised
you came back,
after your last visit here.
Well, I thought I was
a huge success.
You, a huge success!
I'm a household name because
of that corner, Gambon Corner.
Everyone knows it.
Judy Dench is after me.
Judy Dench fancies you,
because...
She fancies me like mad,
because of that,
it makes me very butch.
We've got a clip, actually,
here,
which we can show to you
of what we're on about
for those of you who weren't
watching Top Gear way back...
Here he goes.
Okay, we're off the road
and then...
Nearly roll it over.
I mean, seriously,
we've had some even more
spectacular offs.
I think that was
the fourth ever Top Gear.
We thought, "We've just killed
the Singing Detective."
I know,
about time someone killed him.
Of course, since then
Harry Potter's come along.
Yeah, I'm Dumbledore.
Richard Harris did two films,
then he died.
I'm now on my third.
Do you understand
the first thing that's been
said in Harry Potter?
I read the script
and learn the lines
and I try to understand it.
I have to understand it,
don't I? Sort of.
Quite often I don't know
what's going on
in other films I do.
Such as, Layer Cake,
did you know
what was going on in that?
-No idea.
-Really?
And then when I did
Gosford Park,
I must admit I hadn't read it
before I started shooting.
I sat down on the first day
at the dinner table
with Maggie Smith
and the whole cast
and I thought.
"I don't know
what's going on!"
I thought my wife was
Maggie Smith.
But it wasn't.
And all through the scene,
I was making eyes at her
and she said,
"Who are you looking at?"
-You still do plays,
presumably?
-I do plays.
This year I'm doing
my best play ever.
It's a play by Samuel Beckett
and it's half an hour long.
Isn't that brilliant?
And I don't speak.
There's one voice going
on a tape recorder
all through it,
that's Penelope Wilton.
That's recorded,
so I sit there
by myself and listen.
-You sit on a...
-I sit on a bed.
-All by yourself?
-By myself.
-For half an hour
and don't say anything?
-Wearing pyjamas.
Do people come and see this?
They reckon it's the greatest
play ever written.
How? You?
Do you have to react then?
Well, there's a video camera
projecting my face
onto a scrim, 30 foot high.
It comes in in nine stages.
Closer and closer.
I can't move my face
or it will look like
an explosion.
I must keep very still.
And then act without moving?
And act at the same time.
It's very difficult.
Without talking or moving.
Without talking or moving.
That's hard.
-That's why they
got me for him.
Can you look guilty
without moving?
-Can I look guilty?
-Yeah, guilty.
I look guilty all the time.
-Erm...
I must say,
I tried acting the other day
for something
which is coming out later.
-I could do angry.
I find angry very easy.
-That's easy.
Then they said,
"Can you be tender?"
-"No."
-Bond.
-I could be Bond.
You were going to be Bond!
Well, I was interviewed
for Bond when I was young.
-By Cubby Broccoli?
-Yeah.
We went upstairs
and sat at the table
and I said... I laughed.
I said,
"I can't be James Bond."
He said, "Why not?"
I said "Well, I've got tits
and double chin, no teeth."
"And a bald head."
He said, "Oh,
so has Sean Connery."
Well, it's...
I said, "How would you
cover the tits?"
He said, "We'd just
put the leather bags,
full of ice on there.
"Just before the take.
They go..."
What, Sean Connery
you're saying, is a woman?
Well, that's what I was told.
I mean, let's be honest.
You are actually
quite famous, for making
stuff up in interviews.
-Stories.
-Yeah.
Well, you have to.
I hate interviews.
Oh, God. Sorry.
Well, I do, and it's awful,
so I just tell lies.
So if someone...
I know you did
once tell an interviewer
you were a member
of the Royal Ballet.
Yeah, I said
I was a ballet dancer
at Royal Ballet.
-What are you laughing at?
And he said,
"Why did you give it up?"
I said, "I fell off
the stage at the opera house
"and went through
a kettle drum."
Then you said to someone else
you were gay.
Yes. I said I was gay.
The man said,
"You played Oscar..."
I played Oscar Wilde.
He said,
"Did you find that difficult?"
I said, "No, I didn't."
He said, "What about
the homosexuality?"
So that annoyed me, you know?
And I said,
"Well, I found that very easy
because I used to be
a homosexual."
And he was so thick, you know.
I said, "But I was
forced to give it up."
And then
he asked the question.
He said, "Oh, why was that?
Why was that?"
I said, "Because it made
my eyes water."
It's true.
And I thought he'd laugh,
but he didn't.
-He's so...
-He wrote it down.
There are those press junkets
as well when you go round,
telling there's a marvellous
opportunity to lie,
-when they launch a film.
-Yeah.
-Actors have to move around...
-I've done a lot of that.
You get an interview
every 10 minutes
with a video camera
and they queue up outside
the door in some posh hotel.
But all us, actors,
before we do it,
give each other tasks.
And one of my tasks
on Sleepy Hollow,
Johnny Depp told me
I had to get
Claudia Schiffer's knickers
into my reply
for each question.
-Every...
-Every question.
-Every question!
-Did you manage it?
-Easy.
Now the great thing is,
of course,
is that you actually trained
as an engineer, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah.
-That's your sort
of first love.
-Yeah, my passion!
-You know that Prodrive
we've got today?
-Yeah.
-Do you understand
there's a difference?
-Of course, everyone does.
-You don't.
-Yes.
It's just two cogs rotating.
One wheel goes faster
than the other.
-Yes, I know.
-But this has electronics
inside, doesn't it?
He should be a presenter.
I'm surprised
you're presenting
this programme
and you don't know
about the Prodrive.
I don't know how it works!
You'd be astonished.
-I do know, I do know...
-Everyone here does.
-No, I'm...
-Okay, well,
we'll talk about cars then.
-Yeah.
You can give us a comparison.
How is our new car
compared to our old one?
Oh, I think,
it's easier to drive.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Well, we're gonna
find out now.
Oh, God, please,
don't show this.
Who'd like to see Michael
having a practise?
-No one.
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's have a look at this.
Let's have a look.
MICHAEL GAMBON:
Where are we here?
It looks like
second-to-last corner.
CLARKSON:
Yes, it is, second to last.
Just before Gambon!
I was so frightened.
Look at that poor old man.
Are we ready
to see the full lap now?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Play the tape.
-CLARKSON:
That was an aggressive start.
Ooh, there's one
in there somewhere.
You got it.
How old are you now,
if that's not a rude question?
-Twenty-eight.
-Twenty-eight?
CLARKSON: Clear.
Well, that's now...
Well, that was actually
cutting that corner
but since it's slippery
through that I'll let you off.
A relaxed driving style,
I would say.
But aggressive. That's quick.
And into the Hammerhead.
Not cutting this one.
Gonna kill the cameraman.
No, he's running away.
That's all right.
God!
This is where Stig...
Did he tell you
to go flat out?
GAMBON: Yeah. Look.
-CLARKSON : And you are doing
flat out through here?
-Yeah.
-CLARKSON : Whoo!
Moved the camera.
Closer. Here we go,
he's coming up
to Gambon, everybody!
Your own corner!
He's gone right around!
Across the line!
CLARKSON: It is...
What is it with that corner?
I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Anyway, last time you were
here in the Liana. 1:55.
Terrible.
You did it in the Lacetti,
in one minute...
Due to the unique way
the BBC is funded,
the pen doesn't work.
That increases the tension.
No, no, no! I shall manage.
One minute...
55 to beat, remember?
Your last time.
50.3!
So, there we are,
ladies and gentlemen!
Exactly the same as...
In fact...
I'm feeling generous.
I'll put you above him.
Well done.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
-Michael Gambon!
-Oh!
Thank you so much for coming.
Now, the car that I've been
most looking forward
to driving this year
is not the new Ferrari 599
or the Lamborghini
Gallardo Spyder!
No, it's this!
The new Citroen C6.
Unfortunately,
as it turns out,
Jeremy has also been
looking forward to driving
the new Citroen C6.
And, well,
he's bigger than me,
so he's done it.
CLARKSON:
This is the old Citroen CX.
And it was mad in every way.
The stereo is vertical.
The indicator switch is here
and it doesn't self-cancel.
And the brakes work
like a switch.
They're either off like now
or they're on like...
Trying to drive this car
through a town
was like trying to wire a plug
while wearing boxing gloves.
It was always going
to end in tears.
Oh, no indicators.
Great. Sorry.
Oops, sorry.
But you know what, I loved it.
I love the one-prong
steering wheel,
the softness of the seats,
the softness of the suspension
and the space!
There was enough room
back here to stage
a small tennis tournament.
The CX was just so different,
so left-field.
And that's why I was sad
six years ago,
when Citroen announced
that they'd stop making
big insane cars for good.
Only now, they're back.
The original sketches
for what they had in mind
show something
radically different to the BMW
and Mercedes norm.
Something not at all German.
And this is what resulted.
It's been toned down a bit
from those original drawings,
but it still has four
pillarless doors,
a concave rear windscreen,
and suspension
that lets it move about
while it's standing still.
It's the same story
with the interior.
If you go
for the cream leather,
it's a pleasant place to sit.
Much more Paris than Berlin.
And that's all very nice
but where is the lunacy?
Yes, it's got double glazing
so it's very quiet, and yes,
it's got a head-up display,
and yes,
there's a feature in the seat
that vibrates if I stray
over the white lines.
Which is nice
if you're a bachelor.
But I want it to feel
completely different
to any other car.
I want to start it
by licking a panel here
on the steering wheel.
I want the gear lever
to be made from rhubarb
and just stick
out of the sun visor.
I want to feel like I'm in
a Salvador Dali painting
and it's all melting.
So how does it stack up?
Is this an indicator?
Yes, it is. It shouldn't be.
That should be
the boot release.
The indicator should be
in here somewhere.
It's all wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
As a car,
it's conventional too.
It's front-wheel drive,
rather than side-wheel drive.
And prices start at £29,500
rather than 29,500 zargs.
The steering wheel
is circular.
The seats are German-hard
and while there is enough
space in the back for me,
there isn't enough
to take a dog for a walk.
And you should be able
to do that in the back
of a big Citroen. You should!
So it's beginning to look
like the cheese-eating
surrender monkeys
have bottled it.
And now we get to the
most disappointing thing
of them all.
The handling.
A big Citroen should
flop about like a boat.
But this, I'm afraid,
goes around corners
rather well.
So does this mean
they've tuned it
solely on hydro-pneumatic
complicated suspension
for cornering
rather than comfort?
Cos that really would be
the final nail in its coffin.
CLARKSON: Well, to find out,
we've dreamed up
a rather unusual test.
For years,
television camera crews
covering horse racing events
used Citroens.
And that's why we're
at Towcester Races today.
You see, the 2:30 race today
will be covered by two cars.
The first eight furlongs.
from camera
mounted on the roof of the C6.
And the second eight furlongs
from the camera
mounted on the BMW 5 series.
This is the surface
they'll be driving on.
Rutted. Pot-holed. Broken.
Right, the horses are ready.
The bets are placed.
The punters are eager
for the off.
So let's go over now
to our commentator,
Jim McGrath.
JIM McGRATH: Well,
as an experiment,
I'm throwing away
the binoculars for this race
and relying solely on the
pictures from the camera
on the moving vehicle.
And they're coming in.
And they're off!
And in the very early stage
is going on here is Andy Gin
who's up vying
for the early lead
with the Signature Tune.
Just behind him,
the Black Thorn
on the near side.
Then followed by
Signature Tune
and Hunting Lodge
and Dorney's Well
from Mason and Malagavoy.
And the Citroen's
pneumatic suspension
absorbing the bumps
nicely there.
This is unbelievably smooth.
McGRATH: As they continue
on the far side,
it's still Black Thorn
who makes the running
from up there on the outside
and Andy Gin
and behind them
is Signature Tune
and Hunting Lodge.
It's like driving over silk!
And that's a rough,
old track.
But the Citroen
is riding it well.
Time now to hand over
to the BMW.
See how it gets on.
And it's Black Thorn
who shows out with a noseband
by couple of lengths here.
Signature Tune
is up there, that's um...
Oh, oh dear, it's erm...
Very bumpy now.
It's, er...
Well, you can see that
better than I am!
The last time they came
into the home straight,
it was, er, Black Thorn.
But Andy Gin
up on the outside.
I'd love to tell you
what's happening, but I can't!
Last time I saw it,
it was Andy Gin in front.
But frankly,
I haven't got a clue
who've actually won.
I do. It was the Citroen.
Obviously,
for when your hair's on fire,
you need the BMW,
but for comfort,
the C6 is just uncanny.
MAY: Hold it, hold it.
Let me make sure
I've got this right.
You're saying,
you'd buy the Citroen,
if it's your job
to cover the horse racing.
-Yeah.
-If you do anything else,
you'd have a BMW.
What I'm saying, in essence,
is that it's not as mad
as I was hoping it would be.
But really it's...
If you want comfort
more than speed,
this is the car for you.
But isn't the worry
with the big Citroen always
that you just lose
all your money?
I rang Citroen about that,
talked to a man.
And I said,
"What are you
gonna do to stop that?"
And he said, "Ah-ha!
We will buy back
anybody's Citroen C6
"when they're finished
with it."
-Really?
-Yep.
-Guaranteed
to buy it back.
-For how much?
He wouldn't tell me.
So, it could be 25p.
It could be 25p,
but there's no more
comfortable way
of losing your money.
And now we must move on
to do the Cool Wall!
HAMMOND: Yeah,
It's the Cool Wall!
Yeah.
And...
And we start
with the Citroen C6,
the car Jeremy
has just reviewed.
Now, one thing it has
in its favour.
-Exclusivity.
-Absolutely.
You'll be looking around...
"Let's see who else
has got one of these.
No. It's just me."
It is, and the great thing
about driving one of those
is everyone will think
you are an assassin!
Yes, they will.
Who's that man?
Now, you're gonna have
to narrow that down
for us, Jeremy...
He's French.
That Frenchman...
You have to focus
that a bit more, mate.
But what man!
What do you mean?
The guy who was
in Ronin and Leon.
-In the films?
-Yeah, coolest man
in the world.
-What's his name? What?
-Jean Reno. Jean Reno.
Jean Reno? That's annoying
cos that's ruined
my argument.
He's a very good man.
Jean Reno
would have a Citroen.
I know that sounds weird,
and that makes it verging...
In fact, a super-cool car!
HAMMOND: Can we move on?
CLARKSON: Yeah.
Can we talk about this?
The Peugeot 207.
French. Small. Cool.
Normally you'd be right.
But you're wrong. It's not.
-What?
-It's not! It's not cool!
-It's a Peugeot.
-All French super-minis
are cool, you know that.
Apart from the Peugeot.
They make some of the
least cool cars in the world!
Who's tucked your shirt in?
-Me. Why?
-Well, there you are.
You don't know what cool is.
At least I can see
where to tuck it in,
underneath this...
-AUDIENCE: Whoo!
-What?
It might have been a low blow.
Well, for me,
it was a high blow.
But you see what I mean...
What are you doing?
-I'm texting
Kristin Scott Thomas.
-No, you're not.
-I am.
-Why?
Because she is the arbiter
of all these things
and she will tell us
whether this is cool or not.
Oh, so you're gonna text?
It isn't cool!
How do you text?
-Oh!
Seriously, so somewhere
in the world on a film set,
a glamorous actress is
gonna receive a text
from an old man
on a car show,
asking about a hatchback.
-Phonebook.
-God, you've got her number.
There.
How drunk was she
when she gave you that?
She was tied up, actually.
-Have you really sent that?
-Yes.
And if my bottom vibrates
with a text back
I'll move it down,
but it's cool now.
No! Hang on a second.
Let's do it the other way.
Move it up if she texts you.
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Thank you.
What about this,
the Skoda Fabia vRS?
Ooh, what are we thinking?
-Seriously uncool.
-Really? Why's that?
-Ugly.
-It's a Skoda!
-It's a Skoda?
-It's a Skoda!
Yeah, he's right, he's right.
He's got a modern haircut.
What the hell
has happened to you?
Are you treading
on one of the cables?
No, I stepped on the cable.
God. Let's get
the makeup girls,
so we can get that
pulled back down again.
Whoo! Jesus Christ.
What the hell!
What's your opinion
on the Skoda?
-It's rubbish, isn't it?
Skodas are always...
-Yes?
-It's hideous.
-It's hid...
HAMMOND:
It's... It's not hideous!
It's not a bad-looking car.
It's just...
You drive past a bar
full of women and no-one's
gonna look at that.
-CLARKSON: Well.
-It's absolutely ugly!
Drive past
a bar full of women,
nobody's gonna look
at you in that.
Shirt is what she was saying.
This is a deep...
All Skodas are deeply uncool.
Basically, they're just
Volkswagens mean people.
-Are we right?
-That's it!
-Hang on.
-What you got your text?
-No!
-Bear with me.
I thought it'd vibrated.
Now, Saab 95.
-Uncool.
-What?
-Saabs, they're uncool.
-No, no. they're cool.
No, they're bought by people
who think they're being cool
and that is uncool.
A Mondeo
is actually cool.
A Saab. It's just...
It's just a Vectra in one
of those fashionable suits
with no collar made by
IKEA or something.
They're cool.
Or rather, they used to be,
cos they've just restyled it
for the next year.
You wanna see
what they've done?
They've fitted it with
Dame Edna Everage's
spectacles.
HAMMOND: Have they done that?
CLARKSON: Yeah.
So, I saw one of those
on the road
and I thought somebody
had done it to his own car.
It's an uncool car,
unfortunately.
Ooh!
Come on, then.
Let's see, finally.
Has she?
She hasn't, has she?
-No.
"Jeremy? Jeremy who?"
Maybe I should've put
"Jeremy Clarkson" at the end.
-Of Top Gear.
-Oh, yeah.
-The tall one.
-Yeah, the car braggart.
But we've got 10,
12 minutes left.
-There's time.
- Course, mate.
There's time to save the 207,
but now we must move on!
Yes. A year ago, Hammond and I
had a game of car football
in Toyota AYGOs like this one.
I lost, and we thought
that was the end of it,
but no,
because World Cup fever
has gripped the nation
and now the AYGO
has a challenger.
HAMMOND:
This is the gauntlet-thrower
in question.
It's called
the Volkswagen Fox.
It takes over from the Lupo
as the smallest VW
you can buy,
and the first plus point
is you get more
for your money.
It's bigger in every way
than the Lupo
but it's cheaper.
The basic 1.2 model
costs £6,600.
£1,300 less
than the equivalent Lupo.
You can feel
the space in here.
I mean, it's no Earl's Court
but it is good for a car
of this size.
So good work on the space.
But as for the dashboard...
Oh, dear.
It must take more work
to make something
look this boring.
And the plastic?
You know that
stuff that holds chocolates
in a box of Milk Tray?
Yeah.
This car here
has the smallest engine.
A 1.2l petrol
that does 0-60 in 17 seconds.
That is pretty leisurely,
but don't think
it means a dull drive.
It's got
loads and loads of grip.
So you really can
chuck it around
once you go up to speed.
And it rides really well.
It's comfortable.
So there we are, a decent,
well-priced small car.
But crucially, nothing in its
appearance to suggest
it can beat the mighty AYGO
at car football.
The fact is, though,
the AYGO should be worried.
Very worried.
Because that might be
a VW badge on the front,
but that is not a German car.
Oh, no.
In fact,
the Fox is from Brazil.
So let's see if their skill
has rubbed off on their cars.
And indeed find out
if they're good enough
to beat the current
Top Gear champions.
In contrast to
the shiny new Foxes,
the AYGOs are sporting
a few injuries
from their last match.
So I'll captain
the Brazilians,
and the Aygos will be led
by my old rival Nobby May.
It's a tough one to call,
isn't it?
Because the Foxes are
definitely the bigger players.
I still think that the AYGO
is the more nimble car.
I know what all those
football bores will say,
"The Japanese have never
been very good at football."
But they're not
actually Japanese
cos they're made
in the Czech Republic.
And apparently,
they're very good at football.
My one worry
about this whole thing
is that after seeing this,
people aren't gonna be
bothered about watching
the real World Cup.
-Call!
-Heads.
-Heads, it isn't.
-Tails.
But I'm gonna
let you kick off.
-Really?
-Yes.
-Into the wind.
-Exactly.
MAY: You don't know
much about football,
do you?
Last time we played this,
you called half time
"the interval."
-HAMMOND: James and I
were in the opposing
number one cars
and the rest of the team,
featured the same mix
of stunt and race drivers
from the last AYGO match.
-I don't know
if I have mentioned
but the parcel shelf in this
is made out of pineapples.
Dunno if that'll help.
We're off!
It's a game of football!
The Brazilian skill
was immediately obvious.
But the AYGOs
hadn't lost their touch.
MAY: Fantastic dribbling
by May, Number 1!
May's on for the goal!
HAMMOND:
The Brazilians, though,
were bigger and tackled hard.
You fouled!
But eventually
the AYGO agility
shone through.
Oh, this is the old firm
in action. We're all over 'em.
Like cheap suits.
Pass to number 2.
He's found the gap!
Yes!
No!
What a player
from the Czech Republic there.
That, mate, was a magnificent
choreographed goal.
Yes, yes. Yes, yes.
Don't worry, Brazil,
let's not be down-hearted.
We have good qualities.
Just speed off the line
isn't one of them.
HAMMOND:
And the AYGOs took
full advantage of this fact.
Nice!
Bringing the score
quickly to 2-0.
MAY: Yes!
It's so chuckable.
It's like having a train
with wheels on it.
HAMMOND: With my Brazilian
Foxes 2-0 down
as the interval approached,
tempers started to get frayed.
Ooh!
Ooh!
- But when the horn went.
The score was still 2-0,
leaving the AYGOs
over the moon.
Lovely work.
And the Foxes
sick as parrots
etcetera, etcetera.
Still, the interval
was a good time to see
how the cars were faring.
His gear lever has come off.
That's a worry, I suppose.
Maybe it's built down
to a price.
HAMMOND: You rammed me
while I was on a run!
MAY: I didn't.
Once again that was
a superb sliding tackle.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, dear, I'll just...
You can see the difference.
Look. This one isn't
really deformed.
So, I mean, these AYGOs
are tough, we know that.
-The AYGOs are very, very
tough little car, but...
-Yeah. Well, there's that bit.
-Apart from that,
that is fine.
HAMMOND:
Not only was James bolshie,
he was also unsporting.
Oi! You cheating great...
HAMMOND:
The second half...
And boy, did my Foxes
have a mountain to climb.
MAY: Lovely interception.
HAMMOND: Suddenly
the hand of God intervened
and the heavens opened.
The wet pitch started
to favour the heavier,
tougher Brazilians.
Good work!
Number 2 brushed off the AYGOs
with a scorching run.
Foxes on a run.
HAMMOND:
Yes, my Foxes were
finally into their stride.
They quickly banged home
the equaliser.
No!
Yes!
And then
following an AYGO foul...
Oh, that was a big crash!
We were given a free kick.
And took a 3-2 lead.
No!
HAMMOND: With full time
approaching fast,
the game really hotted up.
HAMMOND:
Ow! That was dirty play.
A fight even broke out
with James bearing the brunt.
-Oh!
Oh, dear!
HAMMOND: The scrap left
"Wayne" May injured.
MAY: Broken me metatarsal.
Ah, that's better.
HAMMOND:
But this only spurred
the AYGOs on.
And with just minutes to go...
They equalised.
Oh, yes!
Ha, ha, ha! It's worthy
of the England 1960...
Oh, shut up.
We really do need to
pull our fingers out here.
The score now at 3-3
and the final
whistle imminent,
the agile AYGOs were all over
the Foxes' goalmouth.
HAMMOND: No!
Our only chance
was to smash them
out of the way.
It was me versus AYGO 4
down the wing.
HAMMOND: Come on, baby!
I'd lost the ball.
Damn!
But number 6
came out of nowhere.
Yes!
-Oh, no!
Odious little man.
We are the winners!
I think...
I honestly can't see
how anybody's gonna bother
watching a real World Cup
after that.
It was just
a better spectacle.
Absolutely.
The real thing's dull.
-What're you doing?
-I've got a text!
-From Kristin?
-Yes.
-Really?
-Yes. Here it is.
Go on, then.
Er... Um. It says,
"You know about
the restraining order..."
"That includes texts.
I'm calling the police."
And on that bombshell
it's time to end.
Sadly for the next five weeks
we won't be here
cos we're making way
for Wayne Rooney's ears.
But we'll be back in July
so see you then!
Thanks for watching!
Goodnight!