Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Porsche Cayenne Turbo S vs. Parachute Team - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight,
I investigate some new
in-car dogging technology,

Richard races a man
dressed as a squirrel

and with a wing and a prayer,
the Koenigsegg is back
on our track.

Hello, and welcome!

And we have
a packed show for you tonight.

We even have a Jedi Knight
in our Reasonably Priced Car.

But we start
with Richard Hammond,

who's more sort of R2-D2,
really,

who's been driving around
in an old friend.

HAMMOND: The Porsche
Boxster S.

Here it is,
and doesn't it look proud?



Let's just recap its outings
on Top Gear to date.

On our track,
it monstered the Merc SLK 350
by four whole seconds.

So then we stepped things up
a notch,

by pitting it against
the SLK 55 AMG

in the industry's standard
get-away-from-the-army-snipers
test.

And guess what? The cheaper,
less powerful Porsche
still won.

You only have to drive
one of these things
for five minutes

to understand just why
it's so good.

Everything about it
is precise and accurate.

It's a laser-surgery
kind of engineering.

It's just...
It's just up there.

And we were
starting to wonder.

Was there anything out there
that could wipe that
smug smile off its face?

Well, if anyone can,
it's the BMW M division.



They are the SAS
of BM's engineers,

and this is their latest
creation.

The Z4 M.

It's a car
dripping with menace.

There are nearly
as many M badges
as there are exhausts.

At the front, the air-intakes
are big and fierce,

and under the new bulges
on the bonnet,

you'll find a 3.2 litre
straight-six
from the M3 CSL.

That gives the Z4 M
338 bhp,

which is 63 more
than the Boxster.

And now I'm pulling away.

0-60 in five seconds.

Mine, I think.

Now, the Z4 costs £43,000,

which is four grand more
than the Boxster S.

But, as we've demonstrated,
it does have more power.

And, as we can see,
it's also much better-looking.

Now, to make a great car,
you can't allow compromise,

and at BMW, the M division do
as they please.

So, in this car,
they've thrown out the fancy
electronic power steering

for a more old-fashioned
system that they prefer.

They've also got rid of those
ridiculous run-flat tyres.

And they've not
messed about with any
fancy gearboxes either.

They've fitted it with a
proper old-fashioned manual.

That is a set
of confident decisions

so, naturally,
you'd be forgiven

for approaching any corner
with a similar amount
of confidence.

Whoa! No! Understeer!

Bloody hell!

I was not expecting that!

The Z4 M is, in fact,
a bit of a handful.

Nothing like
old smarty-pants here.

Same corner, same me.
Just behind a different wheel.
In we go...

No problem.
Suddenly I'm transformed.

Back from driving dog
to driving God.

At first, I thought
the M people had come up
with a turkey.

But sometimes the fault isn't
with the car...

You see, what I've been doing
is driving it
like the Boxster,

like a precision tool.

What you really need to do
is grab it by the scruff
of the neck

and treat it like
the lairy beast that it is.

What you've got to do
is chuck it in.

It's a monster!

Keep the power on,
let the back slide,
trust it'll come back...

And eventually...

We're all right.

It's a madman.

And whereas the Boxster
flatters your ego,

this thrills you
in the most primeval way.

You see,
all the recent M cars,
the M5, the M6,

they've all been crammed
full of technology.

They've had amazing gearboxes
with 11 settings.

And I got into this car
expecting more of the same.

But for this.

What the M people have done
is serve up
Fred Flintstone's car.

If I may take a moment,

this is a
Gordon Ramsay recipe.

It is monkfish
wrapped in gram reserved
Parma ham,

on a bed of Savoy cabbage
and vegetables
in a cream reduction.

This is the Porsche Boxster.

The very best of ingredients
and precision preparation

coming together to create
one harmonious whole.

Then we come to the BMW.

This is the red Naga chilli,

and on the chilli
Richter scale,

it measures at just under
one million heat units.

You can't handle this
with bare skin.
You have to wear gloves.

You don't chop it up
and put it in your food.

You just touch it
against the ingredients
and that's enough.

This is your BMW Z4 M.

The Z4 M
really is the hot chilli.

The Boxster will never
sound as good...

...nor thrill half as much.

It absolutely
steals your heart,

which is why
it's the one I'd drive home.

If I could see.

-CLARKSON: Wow!

I couldn't
agree with you less.

What?

I drove this,
and I thought

it was woolly and soft
and actually a bit boring.

No, that's on the road.

Take it on the track,
and it's a completely
different beast.

It makes your eyes water.
It does.

-Mmm...
-No, we're just not
going there, okay?

Because now we're gonna
find out how good it really is
on the track,

because it's time to put it
in the hands
of our tame racing driver.

Some say his ears
have a paisley lining...

And he's been banned
from the Chelsea Flower Show.

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

And he's off!

Bucket loads of wheel spin
off the line there.

It's like an unleashed
beast, this car.

Up to the first corner.

Now it's looking
a bit snappy on the way in,

but Stig has wrestled it
into submission.

Punches smartly out
the other side there.

MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
The toilet doesn't work.

HAMMOND: Into Chicago.
Now nice and smooth
on the way in.

Entry speed
judged to perfection.

He's squeezing on the power,
booting it out,
letting the tail run wide.

Hammerhead. If you haven't got
the Z4 by the scruff here,

it's all over the shot,
but Stig's got that covered,

removing all chance
of understeer by firmly
depressing his right hoof.

MALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
I don't speak Italian.

HAMMOND: So, four weeks on,
and, apparently,
he hasn't absorbed a word.

Now down towards
Follow Through.

Come on, Stig. Really let
the monster loose here.

Oh, that looked fast!

Just two corners left.

Hard on the brakes.

Very neat through there.
Only Gambon left to take.

Here we go.
He flicks it sideways
and across the line!

Okay!

In one minute

26 exactly,

which means
it goes on the board...
Where is it? Just there.

Which means it's actually
faster than a Porsche Cayman,

a Ferrari 575
and an Aston Martin Vanquish.

See, told you! Brilliant car.

Right, let's do the news.

-Uh... You're starting.
-Yes.

Um, well, the Z4 M Roadster
that Hammond was just driving,

they've done a coupe version
of that. Here it is.

It has exactly
the same engine,
it does 155 mph,

0-60 in five seconds.

But the really good thing is,
it's about 1,700 quid cheaper
with the soft-top...

Yeah, and, Hammond,
you thought the soft-top
was hard-core.

What? Yes.

That hasn't got a single
creature comfort in it.

No. That is sort of quadruple
X-rated, that thing.

Yes. And incredibly ugly!

-Hey, now, Lexus, okay,

launched a new Hybrid.
Got a photograph of it here.

It's called
the GS something-or-other.

-And it's got a V6 engine
and an electric motor, okay?

And they say it'll do
35.8 miles to the gallon.

-Bet it doesn't.

-No, no, it won't!

Did you see Cameron Diaz
last week, when she said,

"My Toyota Prius does 52 miles
to the gallon in the city"?

No, it doesn't!
It just doesn't!

No. Absolutely not.

In fact, when they said,
Cameron, "It does 52 miles
to the gallon,"

they were acting!

CLARKSON: Yeah.

In fact, if she can do
52 miles to the gallon
in that car,

-I'll let her sleep with me.

That's fair. And that's not
the sound of Cameron Diaz
reaching for her car keys!

-Come on, then.
-What?

-Well, you were there,
weren't you?
-What?

Oh, what, where?
The big party! Beckhams.

-Oh, the Beckhams!
-Oh, that one!

I went.

The best bit,
I would say, right...
The best bit was...

We got a car to take us,
with a driver

and my wife got into it
to go home at about 3:30 a.m.,
got halfway home.

It's a long way,
about an hour-and-a-half...

Turned to tell me something,
and realised
she'd left me behind!

Okay. Private number plates,
we don't really them
very much, do we?

-CLARKSON: Awful.
-Apart from when?

The only time they're
really vaguely acceptable

-is when
they make a rude word.
-Yeah.

Well, the DVLA has been
sifting through them.

Every now and again
they have a cull

of ones that
they think might be rude.

-So there's another batch
that aren't allowed.
-CLARKSON: Hmm?

Well, you can't now have
"AA 55 HOL..."

-That's a bottom thing.
-Yeah.
You can't have that.

Um, you can't have...
Oh, yeah, that's a shame.

-You can't have that.

That's a bottom thing.

These have all
really been banned.

But there were a few
surprising ones.

I couldn't get this at first,
but you can't have that.

And It took a bit of time,
but I worked it out.

-Hamas. Yes.
-CLARKSON: Hamas.

Hamas. That's a pity.

I'd like to have had that,
put it on a Toyota
pick-up truck.

-Oh, yeah!
-You could have parked outside
the Palace of Westminster

and nobody would have
given you a ticket!

If you'd left,
like, an alarm clock
on the passenger seat!

-Just some big pipes
on top of it.

"Just delivering pipes today."

Yeah. Oh, God, now listen.
You know eBay, okay?

If you're planning on
selling a car on eBay,
a couple of tips.

Try to get as much information
about the car
without being boring, okay?

So service history,
mileage. Okay?
And get a nice photograph.

Don't just use one
that you've got lying around,

especially if you'd taken it
just after the car had been
put in a ditch,

-like this chap.
-HAMMOND: What?

-HAMMOND: That's not...
-That was a genuine...

And as a result of that,
the winning bid was £139.

It's in a ditch!

Yeah. He said that was
the only picture he had of it.

-What an idiot!
-Yeah.

Oh, now, there was a great one
in the papers this week.

Oh, see, now,
I cut it out, right.
I brought it along.

That's a wristband, okay,
which you wear,

-and it stops you
falling asleep at the wheel.
-How?

Well, if you don't
move your wrist
for 15 seconds, it buzzes.

So you've got to
keep your wrist moving.

I was gonna say
you'd have to remember

to take if off
before you went to bed,
but maybe you wouldn't.

I'm gonna have to
explain all this
to my nine year old boy.

Who's 10,
I've just remembered!

Maybe I won't have to
explain it to him
after all now!

Uh... Right. Hey listen,
gonna have a quiz.

What was the first car,
production proper car,

ever to be fitted with
electronic anti-lock brakes?

-MAN: S Class.
-It was
the Mercedes S Class.

Don't come to my house
for dinner.

Okay then,
I'll try another one.

What was the first car ever
to be fitted with airbags?

Yes, Mr Boring Man's
got it again!
It was the Mercedes S class.

Of course,
now every car has ABS
and every car has airbags.

All right,
for three points, seatbelts?

Mercedes S Class!

SatNav?

-Mercedes S Class!

In fact, the message here
is really very clear.

If you wanna know
what toys are going to be

fitted to your ordinary
family saloon
in, like,10 years' time,

there is
only one place to look!

CLARKSON: Here,
on the new Mercedes S Class.

It's more than just a car.

It's a glimpse
into the future.

It's a showcase of
everything that can be done,

and everything
that everyone else
will be doing very soon.

CLARKSON: You can't get
too excited by the basics.

It has doors, four of them.

Under the bonnet,
there's an engine,

and under the car
there are four wheels,
which are circular.

But you can certainly
get excited
by some of the garnish.

You don't have to do
anything as old-fashioned
as push buttons in this car.

You just tell it
what you want it to do.

For example...

-Station, Radio 2.

And it goes to Radio 2. Or...

-Station, absolute rubbish.

Look, Radio 1! It knows!
How brilliant's that?

This also works
for the telephone.

You tell it
who you want to call.

It even works
for the satellite navigation.

-So you just go...

...enter destination.

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Would you like to spell
the name of the town?

W-A-R-S-A-W.

Starting
route guidance.

And there you are!
Poland!

All this means
you never have to
take your hands off the wheel.

But weirdly, you can
take your feet off the pedals.

You see, it has something
called radar-guided
cruise control.

So I just set it to the speed
and it follows
the car in front.

It slows down, we slow down.
If it speeds up, we speed up.

My feet are not on the pedals.

The question is, will it
actually bring us to a halt

when we get to the roundabout
up here?

I... This is...
Are you going to stop, car?

Are you going to be
able to do this?

Right. The car in front is
braking for the roundabout.

I'm just going to cover
the brake pedal. Just in case.

No, no, we're slowing.
We're slowing.

How is it doing this?

I'm not touching anything.
I'm not...

The car just stopped itself!

I'm gonna get out.

-There's no need to have me
in here. You don't need me.

The big one
on the safety front is
a whole new way of stopping.

You just touch the brake pedal

and then it works out
how much braking force
is actually needed.

Not so little that you
run into the car in front,

but not so much that you get
rear-ended by the car behind.

It's when night falls,
however, that things start
to get really advanced.

When it gets dark,
the headlamps
come on automatically.

That's fine, of course,
but it's a bit 20th century.

So what I'm gonna do now
is turn on
the infrared camera.

Watch the speedo and...

This means
I can see much further

than I can
with ordinary headlights.

And the extraordinary thing
is, it's not distracting.

You just glance at it,
like you glance
at the rearview mirror.

It really is
quite something, this.

Especially if you're a dogger.

Just put "dogging"
in the SatNav...

However, Collymore vision
is just the beginning.

This is where the S Class
really gets into its stride.

It's even got a DVD player
and surround sound,

for the full
home cinema experience.

And it's the first car
in the world which can receive
digital television.

This means, of course,
that you get
all the digital channels.

That means, of course,
you're never
more than two clicks away

from something
with Richard Hammond in it.

...I might actually try...

CLARKSON: The best thing
though, is that all this stuff
is so easy to use.

And that means this is
a very relaxing car to drive.

I'm just selecting
what sort of massage I'd like
from the driver's seat here.

I think this feature
is called the
Bangkok Ladyboy-tronic.

Slow and gentle.

Oh, yeah... Mmm...

Tests have shown that
in an S Class,

your heart beats five or six
fewer times a minute

that it does in, say, a BMW.

So if you buy one of these,
you'll live longer.

And so, apparently,
will our precious planet.

Which one of these
do you suppose

was awarded the first ever
environmental certificate

from the German TUV people?

The big 5.5 litre
V8 saloon car

or the Toyota Hybrid?

Nope, you're wrong.

It was the Mercedes.

The judges were impressed
with how ethically
it had been made,

how much recycled material
was in it and how cleanly
its engine burnt fuel.

So it can save the planet,

but better still,
it can get round it
very quickly indeed.

Computer-controlled
air suspension

keeps the car flat and level.

And then 388 bhp

keeps it sideways.

It's the first time
I've ever done a power slide
in a home cinema,

that's for sure.

Amazing car, this.

£70,000.

Amazing car,
except for one thing,

which we'll get to later on.

Now though, it's time to put
a star in our brand-new
Reasonably Priced Car.

Now, in his career so far,
my guest tonight has snogged
Scarlett Johansson,

climbed into a lavatory,

ridden a motorcycle
round the world
and been to outer space.

So we thought we'd put him
in our Chevrolet Lacetti

-and show him
some real excitement.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ewan McGregor!

-How are you?
-Good to see you.

Have a seat.

All right?

Great, let it start.

Just to prove
this isn't Parky, all right?

First question, your manhood.
If you don't mind.

-Prove it!
-You did say
it was quite large.

Yes. I'm all right.
I haven't had any complaints.

There's a guy in The Times
reviewed it the other day
as being "handsome."

And I was just thinking
how unfair it is

that you should be a film star
and have a big penis.

No, no, God was being
pretty generous
the day you popped out.

'Cause I don't have that.

Yeah, some people
come to movie stardom
later in life, you know.

Mmm, it's not
the movie stardom
I'm worried about.

-Um, right.
Now, let's get cracking.
-Right.

-Star Wars.
-Yes.

-Okay. Have you actually
been on a space ship?
-No.

-'Cause it's all done
on blue screen.
-It is, yeah.

The classic was
the very last scene I have

in the trilogy
that I took part in.

The very last shot was

where I take the baby,
you know, back to...

I don't even remember
the names of anywhere.

-Tatooine...
Where do I take them?
-It's been...

-AUDIENCE: Tatooine.
-Tatooine. They all know.
Worryingly.

Where I take Luke there,
don't I?
And I hand... So I...

I came down
and I had friends on set.

And I said, "We're going down.
It's a big... It's the last...

"It's my last moment
in the trilogy."

So we got on the set,
it's green.

Three sides of green
and a green floor
and a green box

like an old gymnastic
horse thing, you know.

So I come up
and I'm giving this baby...
This is not a real baby.

And I'm sitting on this block.
So I have to get on this block
and it doesn't move.

So I have to go like this.

And it's not going anywhere.

And they're filming me
and there are some actors
over there

and George is going,
"Look at the moons"

to the people
who have the baby
and they're like...

"Look at the moons!"

The thing about Star Wars,
for me,

that I'll always hold
the first three, in the '70s

with just a huge regard,

and the ones I did
were the ones I did.

Not at all. No!
I liked that frown thing.

I liked the third one.
The third one was good.

-No, they were all good.
-Okay.

I liked them all. I liked
every single one of them.

Um, I'm actually
rambling here,
to be honest.

Because eventually we have to
talk about motorbikes.

Yes!

No, you have to
talk about motorbikes
and I have to nod politely.

What... You're a bright guy.
You're well endowed.

Why risk it all
for motorcycling?

Well, 'cause I love it and it
goes back a very long way
to when I was five.

So I had a shot
on someone's little
monkey bike in a field

and that I think was it,
you know.

The 2-stroke,
the smell of that

and the feeling of being
able to go quite quickly

without having to pedal
was really exciting.

I still get quite excited
about that today, you know.

At 90 miles an hour
you don't pedal!

-A life in trouble.
-Evidently.

But is it that sense
of the freedom
the bike gives you

or is it the rebel side of it?

It's... I don't feel like...

In fact, the most
rebellious motorcycle I had
was a KTM Duke II,

-which was a 650 single.
-Oh, yeah.

-And it's...
It's just, you can't...

So what is the appeal now?
Is it...

I like everything about them.

The way they look. I like...

I'm becoming kind of obsessed
about collecting them
to a point, you know.

-Old ones?
-Older ones.

And I think because I did
the round-the-world trip
with Charley

and there was something
that happened
during that trip,

where it was perfect for me
for the way I feel about bikes

and it took me...
You know, my bike took me
around the world

and introduced me
to a lot of great people.

'Cause you got
on the round-the-world thing,

-which was an epic voyage...
-Yes.

But I love this idea

of showing a photographs
or keeping a photograph
of yourself as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

-In case there was trouble
with border guards.
-Yeah.

Come on!

But it did strike me as, what
if he hasn't seen Star Wars?

"Here's me in a monk's outfit
with a fluorescent tube."

Or Trainspotting. "Here's me
diving into a lavatory
full of excrement."

It's true. It was to be
our last resort.

And in Chicago Airport,
I was strip searched once

because the guy recognised me
from Trainspotting.

He went, "What do you do?"
And I went, "I'm an actor."

And he went, "What would I
have seen you in?"

And at that point, I said,
"Well, I think the only film

"that's been over here
would be Trainspotting."
And he went, "Oh, yeah."

And he wrote
all this stuff down
on my customs form

and then he said, "You want
to go down there?"

And they did. They had
every single bit
of my luggage out,

-I was taken into a room...
-"I'm an actor.
Don't you understand?"

No, actually carrying
lots of heroin into America.

You have this proud boast,
don't do narcotics,
apart from being a workaholic.

Which is... I've read that.

-Can we talk about cars now?
-Yeah.

What have you got?

I'll do them in the order
I think you might
like them in.

First I've got a 1965
Ford Mustang convertible,
right-hand drive.

It's really nice condition.

I mainly drive a Land Rover,
a 110 Fender.

Yeah.

But everyday normal car,
I would drive a Prius.

And I'll tell you why.
After you've had a go at me.

-No, no... I was...

-I drive it mainly in London,
in the city.
-Mmm-hmm.

And I would say, probably
60%-65% of the time

when you're driving in London,
you're not moving.

And for me, I feel that
when that's the case,
your engine isn't running.

Yeah. No, you're right.
If you look in your Mustang,

if you look just at the right
of the steering wheel,
there's like a key thing.

Yeah. Turn it off?

And then...
It's like you know,

I tend not to turn the tap off
when it's...

-When I'm cleaning my teeth.
-Yeah.

But you know if you were
bothered about the drought,
you can.

-I do. Yeah, yeah.
-You do turn it off?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh, brilliant.

But this Land Rover...
You live...

-This Land Rover...
You live in London?
-Yeah.

-I like it
'cause I love that car.
-Oh, I like Land Rovers.

And I bought it
after I did Long Way Round

'cause I just thought
I am now going to
conquer the world

in whatever it is I'm driving.

So I got a snorkel on it
in case there's flash floods
in Piccadilly.

-Oh, really?
-You know what I mean?

I've got to say, you know
when you're making films,

-do they let you
ride your bikes?
-No. They don't.

They don't?
You've just done one in
the Isle of Man, haven't you?

Yeah, I wasn't allowed to
ride a bike there.

-You're joking!
-No.

-So you're sitting there
with a TT course.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I went round
as much of it as I could,

sitting in the passenger's
seat of my driver's car,
you know.

-It wasn't quite the same,
I suppose.
-No, it isn't.

Yeah. And also they were
repairing part of the road
over the mountain

so we couldn't
complete the circuit.

But we weren't
repairing our track!

I had such a good time,
I have to say.

I got really nervous
about this lap thing.

-You're joking!
-I did. I got really...

-You fought the Sith...
-Yeah.

Yeah, but the Sith
wasn't really there.

It was green.

Yeah, the track really is.
And I'm afraid.

I'm slightly worried
what it might look like,

'cause I found
I took it very seriously.
I really liked it.

Well, who'd like to see
Ewan's lap?

ALL: Yes!

Here we go.
Let's play the tape.

There's a bit of grass there
from... Oh!

-CLARKSON: Oh, dear!

That lever needs to be down.

Yeah.
And then, in the next one...
Have you got that?

In the next one I went,
"I'll put the handbrake up."
Right?

And I went...
And I wasn't in gear!

-Well, that's very honest
'cause we didn't have that.
-Oh, you don't have it.

I loved the grass hanging
off the front of the car.
Have you seen that?

That was from an earlier
un-filmed excursion.

There's more about to come,
I think.

Let's see the proper one.

-CLARKSON: There's the grass.

Yo! Come on!

CLARKSON: Slipping into
the American mode.

It's a relaxing technique
I use.

-CLARKSON: Blowing the horn.
Why not?

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

CLARKSON: That first corner
is very tricky.

You keep it in nice
and tight here.

-A little bit too fast there.
-McGREGOR: Yeah.

CLARKSON: There you see,
you go slow out.

Oh, go to third,
you . There we are.

It was difficult
to get it into third, I found.

CLARKSON: Yeah, you should've
driven the old Suzuki.

Oh, this is wide again.
But this is a lot more
forgiving, this car.

McGREGOR: Does it look
really slow? It felt
much faster than that.

CLARKSON: Now's the quick bit.
Now you're flat out
all the way down.

That's flat out
through the follow through.

CLARKSON: Cut the corner...
Yes!

Nicely cut. You've got to
cut this one as well.

McGREGOR: This is difficult,
I find, this over here.

CLARKSON: Oh,
that is beautifully done.

-That's nicely cut.
-McGREGOR: And watch this.

CLARKSON: And Gambon.
Yes! Oh, dear! Oh!

Well, there you go.

-Thoughts?
-I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know!

That last corner's
the problem. That going off.

-Even so...
-Yeah?

-Good time.
-Yeah?

Yeah. 1.48 dead.

-Oh, right.
-So you go up there!

It's a good time.

-You pleased with that?
-Yeah. That's nice, yeah.
Yeah...

I'm not really, no!

Well, I was gonna say,
you've got a UNICEF gig to
get off to now, haven't you?

-Yeah.
-Are they going to be told,

"Well, actually
I'm going round again"?

Yes, I'd like to have
another go when it's not...

-You can all wait.
-Yeah.

It's been a massive pleasure
having you here.

-I had a great time.
Thank you so much.
-Absolutely wonderful.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Ewan McGregor!
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, there's been
a lot of people recently

having a go at 4x4s.
But not me.

I've been having a go
in a 4x4.

Welcome to Greenpeace hell.

What we have here
is the Porsche Cayenne
Turbo S.

Forget the 911 Turbo,
forget the GT3.

This, in a headline,
is the most powerful car
that Porsche makes.

Two turbos, two intercoolers
and it weighs
two and a half tonnes,

and yet 0-60
takes just 5.2 seconds.

That's faster than a BMW M3.

Naturally, the brakes are
now the size of planets,

and whilst we're
on the superlatives,

it has to be said it is still
the ugliest 4x4 ever made.

But at least you'll be going
so quickly no one will notice.

The power from a 4.5 litre V8
is up from 450

to a massive 512 bhp.

But they're all just,
well, numbers.

What it's about is the
sensation of this much mass

being hurled
towards the horizon.

This is physics gone mad!

The Turbo S costs £81,500.

And then, sadly,

Gordon Brown will want
another 50 quid
for his 4x4 tax.

But you probably guessed that.

And on top of all that,
the fuel consumption is...

Well, do you really
have to ask?

So it's a fast and furiously
expensive family car.

And one which bristles
with technology.

Like Porsche
traction management
to cope with tough terrain

an active air suspension
with six ride-height settings.

The next task, then,
is to find out what happens

when that mighty power
and all those gizmos
come together off road.

So we've devised another
Richard Hammond
Real World Test.

This is Cyprus near Greece.

And these roads
make up the course
for the Cyprus Rally.

It's a mezze of rough,
gravel tracks

and sharp, blind bends.

A good place, then,
to try out the Turbo S.

The other good thing
about Cyprus is...

Well, the weather
is not exactly what
you'd exactly call bad.

Sun and clear blue skies.

Which means this man can see
where he's going.

He's a Red Devil,
one of the British Army's
crack parachutists.

And today
he's going to race me.

This isn't actually
as daft as it sounds.

You see, I'm going to set off
from a start line

about two and a half
miles away over there,
in the mountains.

I'll then
drive as fast as I can
down the rally track

to the finish point here.

Meanwhile, Lance Corporal
Mac McAuliffe
will jump from 10,000 feet

directly above me
and race me to the target.

As the crow flies,
Mac will also be covering
about two and a half miles,

and that should take him
two and a half minutes.

Which means, if I'm to
have a fighting chance,

I'll have to average
60 miles an hour.

And that is a tall order
on roads like this.

The Red Devil will be jumping
from this helicopter,

which we borrowed
from somebody.

Now, the challenge facing Mac
is he needs to descend
as quickly as possible

to win the race,

but stay high enough to cover
the horizontal distance.

Which is why he'll be wearing
the Phoenix Fly Vampire V2.

It's a cutting-edge wingsuit
modelled on
the flying squirrel.

And it allows the wearer
to fly faster over longer
horizontal distances.

Now, obviously,
he will have to open his chute
at some point,

otherwise he'll just
fall to earth like a man
dressed as a flying squirrel.

Within minutes, the Red Devil
was 10,000 feet up,

hovering directly over
my GPS coordinate position
on his start line in the sky.

Five, four...

Three, two...

One... Go!

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna have an off
on the first corner!

Oh, my God!

Come on!

All the off-road technology
was working fine.

It was the tyres
that were holding me back.

The problem is
the 20-inch rims on this car.

Porsche don't supply
off-road tyres.

If you go down a size to 19,

they won't fit
over the huge brakes that
you need to stop the thing.

These tyres have
absolutely no grip!

He's right now falling
at just 30 miles an hour,

but he's going along
the ground at 100.

Boot it. Come on!

This is terrifying!

Come on!

I've got another hairpin.
Don't overdo it!
Don't overdo it!

Don't die! Don't die!

Three tonnes of car.
All the power in the world.

How in the name of God
do you stop it?

I need his parachute.
Cliff, cliff!

-Ow! Oh, that
sounded expensive.

I can see him!

He's going like a missile!

As we neared
the halfway point,
the Red Devil was well ahead.

But soon
he'd have to slow down.

Literally, my only hope,
once he deploys his chute,
he's got a 90 second drop.

That's when I'm gonna
make up time.

It's never gonna
come! It's a drop!

-Oh, big bang!

At 2,500 feet,
only seconds away
from slamming into the ground,

the Red Devil
has to hit the brakes
by releasing his parachute.

He's got his chute deployed.

Come on! Power! Power! Power!

God!

No! Turn!

Big tank slapper. Come on!

No, no, no, no!
He's nearly down!

Just give me
a little bit more now!

This is it. Where is he?
I can't see him.

He's there! No!

How close could that be?

So a couple of weeks ago,

you raced a jet-propelled
canoe across Iceland.

Yes.

Now you've raced a man
dressed as a squirrel.

So, what is it next week then?
An emperor penguin?

-Yes, all right. Fine.
-In a shopping centre?

Look, I was just looking
for a high-impact way

of showing
how good this car is.

-Was.
-Is.

How good it was
before you got hold of it.

Well, that one particular...

Tell the ladies and gentlemen
what you did to it.

Well, after we'd had the race,
I was sort of going
back up the hill.

Then a member
of the production team was
sort of coming down the hill

-and we had
a bit of a slight bump.
-A bump?

So that's how
you would describe it?

We've got some photographs.
Anyone want to see
the "bump"?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Not really!

-No, not really.
-They're on the screens.
And that's...

CLARKSON: And who'd
like to see the car he hit?

-That's not bad.
-Let's have a look.

There's the car he hit.

That'll polish out.
It was just a slight shunt.

You set the airbags off
in the Porsche, look!

Actually, that was
a bit of a surprise

and a bit
of a worthwhile test,

because I always thought
you know, an airbag
going off would be like

resting your head
on a big fluffy pillow.

It's not!

It's like being
hit in the face
with a wrecking ball.

You have a crash.
"Oh, no!" And then...

It hurts!

I didn't like it.

Can I just say as well,
he still had his microphone on
when he had the accident

and the sound recordist
distinctly heard him go,
"My teeth! My teeth!"

Did not.

Now I'm afraid
we've had another complaint
from a viewer

that we don't feature enough
sensible, down-to-earth cars,
on the show.

So this week
we've got one in the studio.

It has excellent
luggage capacity

and does 33 miles
to the gallon.

And here it is!

It's the Caparo T1
and it's the work
of two engineers

who used to design
Formula 1 cars for McLaren.

And I just love
some of the details,

like the rear light with this
trail of LEDs down there.

It really is
absolutely fabulous.

And look at this.
These wing mirrors
are mirrors on the wings.

And then there's the engine.
It's a 2.4 litre
supercharge V8

and it's not cobbled together
by gluing two
old motorbike engines.

It's actually bespoke
for this car.

It's powerful,
480 brake horsepower.

And because the whole thing
is so light, it weighs less
than half a Ford Fiesta.

-Yup.
-It's fast. 0-60, 2.5 seconds.

And it'll do
200 miles an hour.

I think what really
impresses me is that
it's so reasonably priced.

This is £190,000.

You laugh at that,

-but a Pagani Zonda
is what, £100,000 more?
-Yeah.

-Bargain.
-And this will do 33 miles
to the gallon. Honestly.

Although we did make up
the bit about
the luggage space.

Okay. Earlier on, we looked at
the Mercedes S-Class

and we decided it was
a brilliant car,
except for one small thing.

If you look on the inside,

there isn't a single piece
of trim in here that you'd
want to put in your house.

Not unless the children
were being held hostage.
And that gave me an idea.

You see,
so far in this series,
we've cracked amphibious cars,

we have cracked
convertible people carriers,

and I thought I'd try now
to crack car interior design.

CLARKSON: What I did was buy
an old Mercedes S-Class,

which, inside is pretty much
the same as the new one

nasty leather
and nasty, nasty wood.

And now I'm going to try
and change everything.

I mean, how hard can it be?

To find out,
I've come to London

to see Marie-Laurence
Camara-Ferguson,

who's like
Laurence Llewelyn Bowen,

only she's French,
and a girl.

-Hi. How are you? Yeah.
-Hello, Jeremy.
Nice to meet you.

Even so, we had
pretty much the same ideas

about what's wrong
with modern car interiors.

To me, the interiors of cars
in general nowadays,
are extremely boring,

very masculine.

It's not geared towards being
a pleasurable environment.

Everyone these days,
"We'll build a luxury car
that's a mass of gadgets."

-Exactly.
-Is Dixons
a luxury place to go?

You need
a tactile environment,

and we can use materials
such as fabrics,
such as wallpaper

and surround perhaps...

CLARKSON: Sadly, though,
while we agreed on
what was wrong

we didn't agree on
what materials should be used
to put things right.

We've got aluminium,
we've got NASA,

we've got
liquid floor tiles...

Interesting though,
all your theories are,

it's not quite what I want.

So what do you want?

I want it to be like my house.

-Is your house very stylish?
-No.

And you can mock, okay,
and you probably will.

Instead of normal seats,
wingback chairs.

I want a stone flag floor.

Why not a wood-burning stove?

Yes.

Quaint my ride. You want...

Marie agreed to try
a few things out,

saying she'd meet me at
a workshop in a week's time.

-Okay, see you soon. Bye-bye.
-Take care. Be good.
Get to work!

Unfortunately, when we met up,

it quickly became apparent
that Marie had completely
ignored my ideas

and designed a vodka bar.

This is what I have.

What I have done is
I have actually created

a little pod
which is for the drivers.

On that side,
the passenger side,

you've got a piece of glass
which can convert.

It's an electric glass
which can become opaque.

The actual aim of the design
is to create relaxation...

You see... No, no, look.

Tweed doesn't go with it.

Yuck! Sorry, no.

I want,
I want wingback chairs.

I want wingbacks
and I want a stone floor.

I left Marie to have a rethink
and went to meet
the builders.

How many of you are Polish?

You're Polish?
And you're Polish.

Good. Have you done
a car before?

-No.
-No?

-I've done small bathrooms.
-Small bathrooms?

-Not cars.
-It's like that, but we don't
need a bath put in.

The first job was to
strip the Merc of its plastic,
wood and ruched leather.

I've got a good mind to go
round to the boss
of Mercedes Benz,

to his house, and see
if he's got any of that in it.

I know you're not happy,

but you're designing
the sort of thing I'm after,
and that's important.

This is not design.

-This is brilliant!
-I'm executing
something silly here.

It's not silly.

-It's a doll's house.
-No.

-How old are you, Jeremy?
-Nine.

Really? Going on five.

Yes, I'm nine.
I know I don't look nine,
but I am nine.

I've had an idea, okay?

We'll try it my way first,
and then we'll finish.

Meanwhile, the Poles
had found a problem
with my intended location

for the wood-burning stove.

Is that the petrol tank?

Your scheme is not going to
work in this. I mean, hello!
Let's be realistic.

CLARKSON: We have to move
the petrol tank.

We'll make
a smaller petrol tank.

That can't be difficult.
And then put it in the front
passenger foot well.

He's a real rosbif.
I mean, with all due respect!

He has no idea
about design, though.
Absolutely no idea.

CLARKSON: Finally,
the centre console

and all the seats
were where they belonged.

In a skip.

So the problem we've got
is that the floor at the back
is raised.

It's higher than
the floor in the front.

So where are we going to
get a wingback chair
that's only two feet tall?

It doesn't work.
Your scheme does not work.

No! This is why
you gave in in the war.
"Oh, it's too difficult."

This is what the British do.

My scheme is...
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

That's what we do.
We see a problem with it,
how do we get around that?

Ask them.
They're Polish, they'll know.

Marie felt car interior design
should be done in a studio,

but I was determined
what we needed
was a builder's yard.

This is
what I'm talking about.

A cement mixer.

Forget your welding,
forget your plastic
and your poppers.

Some cement
and some plasterboard.

The cement would form a base
for my stone flag floor.

And while it was being mixed,
I introduced Marie
to a builder's lunch.

What do you mean?
What's the matter with chips
with vinegar on them?

Oh, this is wrong.
That is revolting.
That is really revolting.

CLARKSON: The cement
was finally ready.

All this concrete together,
level, is going to be
two tonnes.

Well, let's see how well
this car's made then.

Pour away, and I'll watch
the tyres explode.

Next, the door panels,

and, of course
Marie wanted something
from the planet Zorg.

This is fantastic.
It comes in different colours.

Jeremy, please,
a bit of style.

CLARKSON: But she lost
that battle as well.

It is going to be hideous,
you realise that?

Oh, I'm sorry.
What's the matter
with plaster?

Yes, but what you
want to do with it
is going to be hideous!

Just hear "Agincourt."
That's all you need to hear.

This is a joke.
That's not design.
It's set design.

Honestly.
I would hate to
see his house.

I can imagine his parents
having quite a lot of trouble
with him as a child,

and today, because
he hasn't grown much.
Has he?

CLARKSON: With Anglo-French
relations at an all-time low,

it looked like the car would
never actually be finished.

But it was, and here it is!

-Yeah.

Welcome to
Anne Hathaway's cottage.

As you can see, I've got
a wooden floor in the front,

and in the back,
I've gone for stone flags.

Now, over there,
we've got the log stove,
the wood-burning stove.

There's a little bookcase
with a globe on the top.

Here's my wingback.
I found one that fitted.

And of course,
all the furniture
is fully adjustable.

-Like that.

This one, you see,
goes forwards and back,

and this
is a really nice touch.
I think, that.

It is a work of genius, this.

I mean, normally,
everything I do on Top Gear
either ends up in a hedge

or at the bottom of a lake,
but I really am
properly proud of that.

-Yes...

Well, to find out
if his creation worked,

we thought we'd take it out
for a little test drive.

Right, then...

Adjust my seat.

-Right, are you ready?
-Yes, I'm ready. Go.

-HAMMOND: Yeah, that's...
-MAY: That's a design flaw.

-HAMMOND: Yeah, that is
a problem. Hang on.
-MAY: Stop.

-Why don't you go in the back?
-I'm going to go in the back.

MAY: Now, obviously,
Jeremy had added quite a lot
of weight to the car,

so how would it
affect performance?

So, this was
a 2.8 litre, six cylinder,
0-60 in about 11 seconds.

With a concrete floor and
floorboards on top of that,

it's going to take
longer than that.

Well, I brought a stopwatch.

-Three. Two. One. Go!
-Yes. Yes. Yes.

-Plant pots are over.
-Yeah.

Flower arrangement
sliding backwards quickly.

-Me globe, me pots,
me plants...

We're approaching
35 miles an hour.

This is the fastest
Anne Hathaway's cottage
has ever been.

-Forty-three miles an hour.
-Good. Yes.

If this gets any slower, we'll
have to redecorate. It'll
have gone out of fashion.

-MAY: Oh no!
-HAMMOND: What?

-The chimney's fallen off.
-You're joking!

-Keep going.
-I am! 56 miles an hour.

Hold on! 59!

60 miles an hour!

35.4 seconds!

I'm going to have to
brake fairly firm.

MAY: Having retrieved
the chimney,

we checked out
the electrical systems.

It's stuck.

Reverse gear.

Brake lights. Brake lights.

-They're on!
-They're not.

-Well, the brakes are on.
-Well, the brake lights
aren't working.

-That's an MOT failure.
-It's more than that, mate.

-The wire
for the brake lights...

The wire for
the brake lights...

-Yeah?
-...is on the floor, isn't it?

-Ah, under the concrete.
-Yes. He's concreted that in.

MAY: Never mind.
Time to turn up the heater

and test the handling.

We must now do a lap.

MAY: Three, two, one, go!

-Plant pots...
-My seat's gone back!

Right turn coming up.

-Braced.
-Now turning.

Yup, yup, that's bad now.

That's bad.
That's bad, that was.

-James?
-Yes?

-Hammerhead's next.
-Oh, no!

Turning it in. Turning!

-Regain control
of the cottage!

-It's okay. Okay.
-Get out of
the pot pourri, man!

Yeah, bleeding quite a lot.
James, I can see double.

-It's left. Now. Now.
-Yup.

Yup. That went well.

-And we're nearly there.
-No, you're not.

And across the line!

-MAY: You know what?
-HAMMOND: What?

-This is rubbish.
-Terrible.

You two, you two are clowns.

Clowns!

This...

This is the safest car
ever made.

-I've got a scar!

I've got bruised ribs
and a very badly barked shin.

-Yes.
-Listen. Listen.

You see this endless
crash test footage, okay,

of cars being thumped
into concrete blocks,

and the concrete block
is never damaged.
This is a concrete block!

I would absolutely
happily drive this
into the concrete block.

Turning left at some
traffic lights, however,
is extremely lethal!

And another thing, why did you
polish the wooden floor?

I was
off like a rocket!

The brilliance of this car
is you're never really
going fast enough

to properly hurt yourself.

You're "never really going
fast enough" to get
where you're going!

-Sixty miles an hour.
What was it, 35 seconds?
-Yup.

How safe's that?

Have you been in a dining room
doing 60 miles an hour?

Do you want me to show you
what it's like

to be smacked on the head
with a wingback chair?

-Yes, exactly.
-Listen. Listen.

The fact of the matter is,
Mercedes have shown us
with the new S Class, okay,

they've shown us
what is technically possible,

but I would rather have this!

The one you've ruined?

Look, the problem
is taste, okay?

If you made a car to look like
the inside of your house,
it would have a horse in it.

And you, your house is just
full of pictures of the Queen.

-What?

Now, look.
Listen, we must move on,

because time is pressing, and
we've got unfinished business.

Because a few weeks ago,
if you may remember,

The Stig was lapping
the 800 brake-horsepower
Koenigsegg CCX,

and, well,
it tried to kill him.

Here it is, you see.

Coming out of Hammerhead,
he's twitching...
Oh, he's off!

Oh, my word,
it's eating tyres!

-That is a big crash.
-CLARKSON: It was.

The problem was,
the car had no down force.

Now, the Stig said
if it had a back spoiler,

then it would handle better
and do a faster lap time.

So, Koenigsegg took it back
to Sweden

and it now has
the rear spoiler.

So, this morning
The Stig took it out
and had another go.

-And he's off! Now,
of course, that back wing

is going to affect
the top speed.

It won't do 250 anymore.

But what's it going to do
for the handling?
Let's find out.

Coming up to the first corner.
Bit wobbly under braking
there,

but it's all nice and smooth.

Yeah, that's looking
very good.

MAN: There's too much noise.

CLARKSON: Yeah,
but what a noise it is!

It sounds like
a Norse god of thunder
gargling a hammer!

-That's a fantastic sound!

Into the Hammerhead.
Spoiler won't be working
really at that speed.

But now it will. Now, it'll be
pushing the back of the car
down as he... Yeah.

Look at that!
Fantastically composed.

MAN: Excuse me,
I want to get off.

CLARKSON: This is
where the last one
tried to kill him!

He's lifted a bit.
Don't blame him.

But he's still going
through there very nicely.

That is quick! Now, will it
try to kill him as he brakes
at the second to last corner?

Oh, it sort of is doing,
but he's holding it together!

Holy Gambon! And that is
beautifully done, Stig.

I've never seen him
do Gambon better than that.

-It did look fast.
-It did.

Now, hey! This...

1.20.4, that's the old
Koenigsegg lap.

We don't need that anymore.

Okay. So, this is the time
he was aiming for.
1.18.4 for the Zonda F.

HAMMOND: Yes?

-And he did it.
-Yes?

-This is the new Koenigsegg.
-It's a big one.

-With the Top Gear wing.
-Yes?

1...

17.6!

Whoa!

CLARKSON:
It's the new lap record.
Amazing!

-The new lap record.
-It worked.

-It worked.
-Isn't that brilliant?

As in, if you think about it,

we're not just testing cars
anymore on this show,

-we're designing them!
-Yeah!

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you very much
for watching. Good night!