Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Amphibious Car Challenge - full transcript
The boys attempt to create amphibious cars which is cars that can run on land and on water. Jeremy road tests the new Lotus Exige S.
CLARKSON: Tonight,
I get a hot head.
Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!
-Richard gets another
Top Gear Dog.
-Help!
And James has some
trouble with wind.
Hello, and welcome,
and we start tonight
with a question.
Don't you think
it's weird that in this
great island nation
with its proud
maritime history,
that none of us really drives
amphibious cars?
We can buy loads of stuff
that works on the road
and off the road,
but there's almost nothing
that works on the road
and on the water.
Why?
I mean, how hard can it be?
MAY: All three of us
have gone our separate ways.
We've each bought a car.
We now have two days in which
to make them amphibious.
At the end of that,
there will of course be
a mystery challenge
of some sort to see
who's done the best job.
I've bought this.
A Triumph Herald.
And here's my idea.
Instead of using the engine
to power it on the water,
I'm going to fit it
with a mast and some sails.
How brilliant is that?
I have no idea
what James is doing,
nor do any of us
have any idea
what kind of water
we'll be tested on.
I think it'll be
some sort of river,
or maybe a canal,
which is why I have bought
a camper van which
I'm gonna turn into
a houseboat of sorts.
Yes, it'll be my very own
home from home,
on land or on water.
And there'll be a warm welcome
waiting inside wherever I go.
It's the most multi-purpose,
multi-purpose vehicle ever.
CLARKSON: Me?
Well, I've come to the Solent
to see an old friend.
His name's Steve Curtis,
and he's won
the Class One Offshore
Power-Boat World Championship
seven times!
Here's the thing, okay.
Amphibious cars to me,
the problem has always been,
is that,
they're too complicated.
You've got to get
the power to the wheels,
and when you go in the water,
you've got to stop the power
going to the wheels,
pull a lever and make it
go to the propeller.
So why not just get a car,
and then put an
outboard motor on the back?
-Yeah, it's simple.
-Yeah, and it would work.
Yeah, for sure.
What sort of car have you got?
CLARKSON: Yup.
It's a Toyota HiLux
pick-up truck,
which I chose for two reasons.
Firstly, as we've proved with
a number of tests on Top Gear,
it is completely
indestructible.
And secondly, that rear end
is the perfect mounting point
for an outboard.
This is a great
little outboard
because everything's in it.
See, what you do,
you pop it in there,
put this down...
It might need to be
a little bit longer.
Look, I was thinking
more Steve, in terms
of this, to be honest.
In fact, I'm thinking
more in terms of
two of these
rather than one of these.
-How many horsepower is that?
-It's 2.3.
Which'll get you along
very nicely.
2.3 is a small amount
of horsepower.
Honestly, I want this.
But don't you just want it
to sort of go?
That's 225 horsepower.
So two, 450 horsepower.
That's half the horsepower
of a Formula One car.
There'll be water, I mean,
it's gonna be very...
You can't put two on.
It's gonna be
all over the place.
I mean, you'll roll it.
It'd just be unstable.
HAMMOND: Now,
Jeremy chose Steve
because he's an expert
on hydrodynamics,
and then set about
arguing with him.
I chose my expert
on the strength of his accent.
-We'll extend the stern
onto here.
-Yeah.
So, it'll give you
somewhere obviously,
for the summer days
you can get out,
steer the boat on the back.
HAMMOND: Unlike Jeremy,
I was going to run
a single small propeller
from the van's engine,
even though it was
only a 1.6 diesel.
I mean, it doesn't
have to be fast.
This isn't a speedboat.
I just want it to be able...
Well, like a canal boat.
Wood, aluminium, bits of rope,
clink, clink, clink
in the wind,
all that, you know,
little telltale on the top.
So you model that car
after your Russell Crowe
-Master and Commander style.
-Yes!
CLARKSON: I was adamant
that my pick-up truck remain
as car-like as possible.
Apart from the
two big engines, obviously.
But Steve insisted
it had to have a hull.
What does he know?
This is complicated.
Well, it's a case of,
do you want it to go
forward in water or not?
-Yes!
-Well, then, you'll need
that little bit.
I think we might have to do
a little bit to the bottom.
I don't think we can leave
sort of a wheel...
I think we gotta
lock off the suspension.
-I'm not doing that.
-Well, how do you...
Because we're in
an amphibious car.
That means a car
that goes in water.
If you start locking
the wheels off, it isn't.
But then, when we
go in the water,
they'll just drop like that.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile, James had
a much more basic problem.
-Looks like, I'll get
the lads for a push.
-Would you?
CLARKSON: Hamster!
How's it going?
Very well, thank you.
Very well indeed.
What are you doing?
What have you got?
I don't want
to tell you, really,
but, it's pretty sleek
as a road-going vehicle.
And as a boat, I think
it's gonna be a winner.
I bet it's a Lotus Esprit,
isn't it?
Well, it's a monocoque.
Um, so it has sort of,
sporting pretencions.
And what are you going
in terms of propulsion?
A lot of power.
I'm going to fully utilise
the onboard power.
CLARKSON: Hammond was
keeping his cards
close to his chest.
-Hello?
-May?
-Clarkson.
-Have you heard from Hamster?
Yeah, I did, but I can't get
much out of him.
He's now saying
his car is rear engine,
but not a 911.
I think he's bought
a Hillman Imp and
he's making a submarine.
Put there, and then,
another one there!
I can't tell you
how dangerous
and ridiculous...
Why would it be dangerous?
CLARKSON: To try and prove
that one motor
would be enough,
Steve took me out in a
single-engine race boat.
-And guess who we ran into?
-Hey!
Brushing up on his
sailing skills.
There's a boat there called
Hey Presto.
Oh, there's a boat
right here called Puffin.
Hello, Puffin.
-James!
-Clarkson!
What are you doing?
He's trying to show me
that one engine is sufficient.
Where are you going?
Wherever it goes.
I'm just relearning
my sailing skills.
How long is it since
you were in a sailing boat?
-31 years.
MAY: You utter pirate!
CLARKSON: Even
in this baby racer,
we hit 70 miles an hour
and caught some air.
It was all jolly exciting!
But...
I still think we need
two engines.
Sorry, but I do.
-Flip that over and
bring your left hand.
-Oh, yes!
CLARKSON: To make way for
Steve's pointless hull,
the bull bar had to
come off the Toyota.
But this being a HiLux,
it put up a fight.
I'm taking the exhaust
through a pipe,
through the van,
and out the roof.
So, I think, you see?
A little finishing touch,
a chimney there.
Rope thing, yes.
That could go on the front
quite well.
Maybe one of those.
And, uh, perhaps a duck.
Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!
Oh! Ow!
Argh!
Oh, for God's sake!
Right, that's got it!
CLARKSON: We had
one day left to get ready,
and our vehicles
were far from
being seaworthy.
Mine was still on fire.
CLARKSON: Now...
We will pick that up later on
and find out just how
badly it goes wrong
for one of us.
-But in the meantime,
let's do the news!
-Yes, absolutely!
You know how dogs
like to stick their head
out the window, in the car?
-Yeah.
-Well, we've been sent these
for Top Gear Dog
in case we ever take it
in a convertible car.
-Yeah.
-So, she doesn't get
anything in her eyes.
They're the latest thing.
They're called Doggles!
You see,
the dog puts them on
and there you go!
They're not Doggles,
they're normal goggles
-with the G crossed out
and a D put there!
-No, no, no!
They're goggles.
They're not because...
They've got a special bit
there, you see,
so you can put them on,
and then, she hooks that bit
round her collar,
then she can take it off,
and then, whenever she wants,
then she can just
put them on like that...
How's she going to put them
back on again?
-Well...
-Ha-ha!
They'll have to invent
new dog thumbs
that they strap
onto their paws
and then they can...
Let's see what
she looks like, come on.
Top Gear, come on,
put these on.
Oh, yeah!
HAMMOND: What do you reckon?
She looks pretty cool.
Now, we get loads of letters
on this show,
very angry ones from
people who say that
we don't do enough
affordable cars.
You know, family cars.
One particularly
angry caller last week
rang the BBC duty log
saying we were a disgrace.
Well, Mr Needham,
check this out.
That is the new
Vauxhall Corsa.
-And moving on now...
Good news! Good news.
Because of a water shortage,
because of global warming,
that means
there's a hosepipe ban.
No more washing cars! Result!
HAMMOND: That's not good news!
It's not good news!
I don't like having
a dirty car,
and I actually love
washing my car.
Anyone who washes their car
either has a small mind,
or an unhappy marriage.
I turn it into
a family occasion.
My eldest daughter is five.
She loves cleaning
the car with me.
-We share it.
-Oh, what do you...
-Do you live in
a yoghurt commercial?
-No! It's good fun.
-Your car is revolting.
The inside of your car
especially is what?
-Disgusting.
-It's like a skip.
Everything I've ever bought
is in my car.
It's as simple as that
and it just means that
whatever city I go to,
I have an A to Z
in there somewhere.
I've got road maps
for everywhere.
And then, whatever disease
I happen to catch in the car,
there is a pill to cure it
just in there.
The only thing
I keep in my car
is a little paint brush
for cleaning dust
out of the switches.
You're scaring me, mate!
And I always like to have
the air vents lined up...
-Stop talking now.
-So they're completely
symmetrical.
-And if anybody moves them...
-No, stop it!
I get really angry!
-HAMMOND: He does
genuinely scare me.
-He does. Yeah.
Properly. Hey, listen.
You know those
dot matrix signs that
you see on the M25?
The overhead gantries
with messages saying,
"Congestion ahead,"
and there never is.
-No, there isn't.
-Do you know why?
Well, because
there's never been
any correlation
between a dot matrix
display and the truth.
-HAMMOND: That's true.
-That is true.
In fact, I've got a mate
with a microwave oven
with a dot matrix on
and when you cook
something in it,
it goes "ping"
and then it says
"Enjoy your meal."
Which is extremely unlikely if
it's come out of a microwave,
to be completely honest.
Well, particularly unlikely
when I was drying my pants
in them the other day.
It said, "Enjoy your meal."
-In a mate's microwave?
-Well...
That means you had
no pants on
in your mate's kitchen!
No!
How did you get them wet
in your mate's...
HAMMOND: What were you doing?
I washed them!
He's there
with his coffee in the morning
you're there with no pants on!
-I had my spare pants on.
-HAMMOND: Stop talking.
Stop talking.
He doesn't have
a tumble dryer.
I have to get
back to it, okay.
Because I've done
some more checking on this.
Okay. Shall I tell you
the reason why they do
the dot-matrix
lying on the M25?
It's cause if they put,
"Congestion ahead,"
it means they can put
the low speed limits up.
And that triggers
the speed cameras.
It turns them on.
What, at the lower end?
If the motorway's
clear and empty,
it's a 70 mile an hour limit,
the cameras aren't on.
If they say,
there's congestion,
lower the limit to 50,
the cameras come on at 50.
Seriously. That's absolutely
not a word of a lie.
You're driving on a completely
empty motorway,
"Oh, sorry,
we made a mistake,"
but the cameras
are on getting you.
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
It's Dick Turpin-ism.
It is Dick Turpin-ism.
But the fact is, if you went
past a speed camera,
you're still gonna get done.
Hey, listen.
My mother, okay.
You know I said
in the last series
I'd buy her a Honda Civic?
You did.
She's had a test-drive in one
and she doesn't like it.
Why not?
Because she says
the gearbox is wrong.
-What, you mean,
it's not very well spoken?
-No.
She says that every time
it changes gear,
you go through the windscreen.
And you know what, James?
You reviewed this car
a couple of weeks ago,
I'm surprised
you never mentioned
that drawback to her.
It's quite a big one, that!
I didn't really think
anyone would be
very interested in that.
What, that you
go through the windscreen
every time it changes gear?
Yeah, it's a bit sort of
consumer-oriented.
Anyway, I am now left
with a problem, which is,
what on earth to buy her?
Have you seen this?
The Noble M15 maybe?
-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-Tell me more.
-£75,000.
Three litre twin-turbo
V6 engine,
185 miles an hour,
British built, of course.
Naught to 60 in under
four seconds in that.
She'd go through
the back window
if you put her...
-HAMMOND: Possibly, yes!
Tempting.
Tempting, I must say!
Uh, maybe.
Maybe that's the answer.
Uh, now, anyway listen,
Lotus has gone mad.
Up there in the
turnip fields of Norfolk,
they have gone insane.
I've got a whole
raft of them here,
which I thought
I'd show to you.
They're working on a new
mid-engined replacement
for the Esprit.
Put a picture of it there.
Check that out.
HAMMOND: Oh, nice!
CLARKSON: That does look
very nice.
That's just
a drawing, obviously.
They're saying
it'll look like that.
They've got that.
Well, they're working
with Volkswagen.
It's a tricycle thing,
one wheel at the back.
This is a seven-seat
crossover vehicle,
sort of, like, a Volvo XC90.
They've got the Europa
which is a sort of
a softer, bigger Elise.
They're working on a
low-power, cheaper Elise.
And there's a new
type of Exige.
It's called the S,
and it sticks absolutely to
the old Lotus philosophy.
Simplify and add lightness.
CLARKSON: Unlike
any other car maker,
Lotus doesn't ask
what the customer might want,
they ask, what the customer
could do without.
And it seems we can do
without quite a lot.
In fact, there are only
two luxuries in here.
There's an electric window
on the driver's side,
and another one over there.
And they're optional extras.
You really do get a sense
from this car that there is
no waste at all,
that it is basically
a road-going go-kart!
Other than this
ghastly badge here
which looks like
it belongs on
the note-paper
of a Middle Eastern
hotel chain.
It has lights for
when it goes dark,
a roof for when it rains,
and these semi-slick tyres
for when it doesn't.
-Like now.
Now, if you remember,
we tested a normal Exige
a couple of years ago.
It came down here
to the track,
and it outmanoeuvred
a helicopter gunship.
And this one
is broadly the same
on the handling front.
God, it's good!
Where it's not the same is
under the bonnet,
because they fitted the
1.8 litre Toyota engine
with a supercharger.
So now, it has some guts
to go with the G!
Top speed, 148 miles an hour.
Naught to 60, four seconds!
It's the fastest
accelerating car
Lotus has ever made.
It's the feel of the thing
that impresses most of all.
I'm in sixth gear now,
60 miles an hour, foot down,
and you can feel
this sort of,
invisible wave of torque
pushing you along.
It's like,
when you're swimming
and you get
caught in a current.
Ah, where did that come from?
Only you don't drown.
Oh! This really is
one hell of a car.
To see how much of a car,
I've devised a little test.
This is a Ford Mustang.
It's made by one of the
world's biggest car firms
in Detroit, Michigan.
Motor city.
It's got a 4.6 litre
300 brake horsepower
V8 at the front,
rear-wheel drive at the back,
and a Stig in the middle.
And he's lined up alongside
a plastic car that was made by
some Norfolk turnip farmers,
which is being driven
by a fat bloke
with a dickey hip.
Right, stand by for
a two-lap race
on our short circuit.
This is sushi versus
a hamburger.
Come on, Stig.
Keep up with this!
Come on!
I only have 1.8 litres.
He has nearly
three times more than that.
And twice as many cylinders!
I can brake later than him,
I can turn harder than him.
I get up to power
sooner than him.
Where is he?
I don't know why
I keep looking at
the rear-view mirror,
'cause all I see through
that is engine!
Oh, he's miles away!
Yes!
Norfolk one, Detroit nil.
Frankly, the result wasn't
really surprising.
Because stuff sold by the gram
is always going to be
more exciting than stuff
sold by the pound.
Saffron, for example,
is more exciting
than lard, or charcoal,
or manure.
As I see it, there are only
three drawbacks to this car.
It costs £33,000
which is quite a lot.
It's pretty noisy
when you go past 85,
and unless you're as slim
and as agile as it is,
getting out can be
quite undignified!
Mostly though,
it's just a triumph of
British engineering.
HAMMOND: Wow!
It's... I suppose you think
this is huge!
It's a giant! But hang on.
So what you're saying is,
small and light is better
in every way, really.
No! No, I'm not saying that.
-That's what you say.
-No, it isn't.
-You kind of are.
-Mmm.
Okay, well, we're gonna
prove that now by finding out
how it does in a full lap
of our test track.
Yeah, now that means
handing it over
to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his genitals
are on upside down.
And that if he could
be bothered,
he could crack
the Da Vinci Code
in 43 seconds.
All we know is,
he's called the Stig.
And he's off!
Slingshot acceleration there,
thanks to those slick tyres
and the fact that
it doesn't weigh anything.
Steering down
the first corner.
Look at that.
Completely smooth,
completely controlled.
Huge... Oh, wait a minute.
Got a bit wobbly there,
but, Stig's got it.
No problem at all.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Peter ha cinque anni...
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Peter is five.
CLARKSON: Stig must be fluent
in irrelevant Italian by now.
Here we go.
Through Chicago, inside.
Look at that!
It's absolutely smoking.
That's 'cause there's no
limited slip diff
coming into the hammerhead.
Lotus' normally
under steer here.
That one is as well.
Oh, look,
it's still smoking there.
He's right on the line.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ho bisogno di un taxi.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
I need a taxi.
CLARKSON: No,
he doesn't need a taxi.
He's got this little
mosquito to play with.
Through the follow-through.
That is so quick
on those tyres.
Now, how quick here?
Very quick.
This though is probably
where the lack
of ultimate power
might hurt the time.
Second to last corner.
Here we are.
Hard on the brakes,
flicks it in,
and he's on the ragged edge!
And there we go!
Amazing. Amazing.
Now, that was
almost certainly
the most economical lap
of our track ever,
and it did it in 1:25:01.
So, look at that.
Quicker than a Ferrari 575.
Quicker than an M5!
So that's where it goes
on the power board.
Now, let's find where it goes
on the cool wall!
HAMMOND: Yes! There it is!
The cool wall. Oh, yeah.
And we begin with the Exige.
There it is.
I want to talk
about the colour,
first of all.
It's in white.
It looks brilliant in white,
and that's because white is
like the up and
coming colour.
CLARKSON: It absolutely is.
911, brilliant in white.
Golf GTI, Ford GT...
-It's the iPod thing.
You know why iPods are white?
-Yeah, cool.
And because of that,
I've now bought a pair
of white sunglasses.
They're not cool, no.
-They're brilliant!
They are brilliant.
-No.
But they're just the exception
that's proving the rule.
Some things
don't work in white.
Shoes, for example.
White shoes. Teeth.
Get off it.
-I wondered how long
that would take.
-That does look fantastic.
It does work in white,
and we must decide
where to put it on the board.
Well, it's a brilliant car.
A brilliant car,
as you showed
and it's uncool.
It is uncool,
it's trying too hard!
I'm sorry.
Did anyone hear that?
No, no, no.
You're breaking your own rule.
-The Kristin Scott
Thomas rule.
-What about it?
-You're gonna
pitch up in that.
-Yeah.
"Do you want to
come out in my Lotus?" No.
-I'm sorry, Richard,
this is...
-No, no, no.
Because you have to explain
what it is all the time.
-You don't.
It's a very cute little car.
-Yes, you do.
It's like a supercar
but it's only 30 grand.
You'll find yourself going,
"Oh, it's practically
a supercar.
This my dear..."
It's not pretty.
It's a very brilliant car,
and that is an end of it.
Yes, am I right?
Hands up
if you think I'm right.
-These are your rules.
-You think I'm right.
There you are.
They agree with me.
A man in shorts agrees and
that's that decided, is it?
You like it?
-You think it's good?
-Good car.
-You think it's cool?
-A nice cool car.
He's wearing shorts,
it's ruined it.
From a man in shorts...
That is such a shame.
That's another
British car company
up the swanny.
What about this? Check it out.
HAMMOND: That looks all right.
I know. It looks okay.
It looks okay,
this thing, okay.
It's got a chassis
tuned by Lotus.
-They used to be cool
before he came along.
-HAMMOND: Spoiled it.
Costs less than £6,000.
And it's a small car.
Small cars are
generally quite cool.
-And it's called
a Proton Savvy!
-Oh, it's failed!
I mean, savvy
means discerning.
I've been struggling
with this next one.
Oh, yeah, that is quite
a difficult call.
-What do we do?
We could put it...
-I don't know.
-The Nissan Micra.
Really, the decision is...
How far down?
Yeah. Yeah.
CLARKSON: There.
HAMMOND: And to be honest...
-MAN: It's cool
if you're a girl.
-That's being kind... What?
-I'm sorry.
-MAN: It's cool
if you're a girl.
Have you seen your ears?
I mean, no, really!
I know girls
who like pink cars.
You know girls
is the interesting part.
-Is that car cool?
-No.
-Do you know him?
-No.
There you go.
Let's just find some more...
The Nissan Micra in pink.
Cool?
-No.
-No.
-I think it's cool.
-HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
-Yeah, I'd go with that.
-You think it's cool?
Why do we invite
these people?
Why do you ask their opinion?
It's really...
Trust me on this.
If you drive one of those,
it's not a cool look.
I know about
sartorial elegance.
-Jaguar XK.
-MAN: Subzero!
Well, I'm sorry. Where are we?
Who said subzero?
-Subzero, you think?
-Definitely.
Where do you work at Jaguar?
Do you like this?
Do you work for Jaguar?
Yes.
I'm afraid it's not cool.
It's sad this, isn't it?
It's a sad moment.
I'm afraid Jaguar
still have a whiff
of the golf club about them.
-They do.
-There's that... What?
WOMAN: They're copying Aston.
They're copying Aston? Well...
Hold on a sec.
You think it's...
I think an Aston Martin
looks like an Aston Martin.
They're copying it.
They've lost
all their imagination.
They're just copying
other cars.
Well, no, the thing is,
it's designed by the same man,
actually, that did it.
There you go, then.
But you know, if I said
you looked like Cameron Diaz,
would that make you less cool?
No, absolutely not.
I totally agree.
It's a gorgeous car,
but they've lost
their imagination.
They're copying Aston Martin.
-But, now, it doesn't...
-They're Jaguar,
they're not Aston Martin.
Well, she's informed!
She has a point, but that's
not the problem with it.
The problem is, it's the
double-breasted nature
-of the people who drive them.
-Yeah.
But, I mean, they've still
made it big enough
to fit golf clubs in.
If they'd made it
just too small, like an inch,
so you couldn't
quite get golf clubs in,
it would be cool.
Well, I'm afraid
it's not cool.
And that is so
pissing off our director,
-'cause he's just bought one!
-HAMMOND: Yes!
Oh, hey.
The Koenigsegg, okay.
Now you saw this
a couple of weeks ago.
Came here and nearly
killed the Stig.
Normally,
supercars are uncool.
If we look down here,
there's the old Koenigsegg,
and the Ford GT and so on.
They're all down there.
But this one is so scary,
we think...
-We think it's cool.
-Yeah.
Just 'cause it's dangerous.
Because it's so...
No, genuinely.
Because if you go through
the pearly gates backwards
in a fireball,
that's a cool way to die.
I love that vision
of just blasting
through the gates backwards
in a flaming Swedish supercar.
Yes, I'm here!
Where are the women?
Exactly.
'Cause if you get wheeled
through the pearly gates
with a grey face,
and a tube up your nose...
-That's bad.
-That's cool.
Come on in,
in your flaming supercar.
So, I don't think
it's super cool,
-but it's certainly cool.
Are we right?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.
CLARKSON: That is a cool car.
Now, it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight
is the hard talking,
hard fighting DCI
in a retro '70s cop drama.
Or as James May calls it,
that futuristic police series.
Please welcome
star of Life on Mars,
Philip Glenister!
Hi.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Well, well, well.
Now, um...
Now, listen, you have
been in two of my really
very favourite dramas.
-There's Clocking Off.
Fab. Okay.
-Oh.
-And then, State Of Play.
-Right. Thank you, yeah.
-And then followed it up with
Life on Mars.
-I know. Yeah.
That must be one of the...
In Life on Mars,
it must be one of the
most fun characters
to go and play,
to actually be in the '70s.
Well, I based it on you.
Perhaps that's why
I enjoy it so much.
The shoes, particularly.
Yes, the shoes.
I must say I do look at that
wardrobe and think that is...
-You.
-Pretty much the same
as the one I've got.
-Exactly.
I do like the camel coat.
Camel coat is great.
Apparently, it's on eBay,
so there's loads out there.
No, it's...
It's not. I've got it.
And also, the music
you've got is so much better
than the rubbish now.
Well, yeah. I agree.
You know,
The Sweet for instance,
Ballroom Blitz.
-What a fantastic record.
-Oh!
There's a man at the back
said, "Everyone attack,
"There's gonna be
a ballroom blitz."
There's a girl in the corner,
said, "Boy, I wanna warn you,
"there's gonna be
a ballroom blitz."
-Fantastic song. Great song.
-And The Who.
-Fantastic.
And a lot of Who
and a lot of David Bowie.
Of course. Yeah, the governor.
If I can just be so bold,
the thing that spoiled
Life on Mars for me
a little bit,
was the Cortina
that you drove.
Okay, 'cause the spoiler
was two years out of date
or something.
Worse than that.
We've actually got
a picture of it which...
Now, you see.
It's a GXL.
-Yes.
-And it's billed as a GXL.
-And it's got GXL headlamps.
-Right.
-But the vinyl roof was only
available on the 2000E.
-Really?
Do you know I think
you're confusing me for
somebody who gives a toss.
But this is the trouble!
You get all these people
in dramas and they work
making sure that every
Elizabethan button
is exactly right,
and what have you.
But they're not that bothered,
just any old car will do.
We've got a bunch of sites
on the web and everything.
Some of the attention
to detail that
they pick us up on...
It's me!
Typing away at night.
It's got the E badge
on the back. It can't...
Do you know
what this is, genuinely?
It's a Maserati in disguise.
I've no idea.
No, it's worse. It's worse.
What it is, is somebody's
cut the front end
off a 2000E,
which is a later model,
shoved the GXL front on it,
so it's older than 25 years,
so you don't have
to pay road tax.
You're driving
a cut and shut car in a TV...
You are!
-Damn!
-Yes!
Now, you've...
And also the Allegra.
I'll get back on Monday,
and I'll tell them.
Have you seen your Allegro,
your panda car?
Yeah, I know.
That didn't come in
till '76, or something!
'79! That's a series three.
How do you think
we get such good
ratings for this show?
-It's the attention to detail.
-Attention to detail.
Mark. I mean...
You're doing the
second series now, aren't you?
We're currently
doing the second series.
We got the DVD
of the first series
that's just come out.
So, that's on release.
And we're filming
the second series.
Yeah, start back
on it tomorrow.
Now, you got
a BMW three series,
-330, if I'm not
very much mistaken?
-Yeah.
And you say
the only thing...
wrong with it is,
there's not enough room
for golf clubs in the boot.
That's the only thing
right about it, in fact!
I take it you're not
into golf, Jeremy.
-Loathe golf.
Do you play golf?
-Love it.
-Really?
-Mmm. I do. It's my...
I'm a member of the
Stage Golf Society,
which is...
Second oldest society
in the country.
-I love Larry Olivier's
four at Wentworth.
-It's true!
It's the only place on a
golf course you'll tee off,
be like,
"Using a three wood, tresh?"
-"I'm not sure, love.
What do you think?"
"Smashing drive, sweetheart."
"Thank you, ducky!"
-It is...
-Yeah.
-Fully theatrical?
-Oh!
And it is a good game, is it?
It just seems...
It's a very frustrating.
It's a great game.
I understand why
people don't like it.
The problem with golf is
the people that play it.
Yeah, it's the initials thing.
you know, C.J.
-you don't address him
by his initials...
-Yeah, I mean...
You know, I've been
to committee meetings
where they've discussed
the length of your socks.
Yes. Machine-gun them...
Well, you just think...
Do we wonder
why people hate us golfers?
-Now, your lap.
-My lap.
How'd it go out there?
How's the Lacetti?
What's that?
-The Chevy!
-A painting, isn't it?
It was a bit...
I'm gonna make an excuse here.
-It was a bit wet.
-Was it?
Bit damp out there today.
-Trevor Eve will be thrilled.
-A bit greasy.
Gordon Ramsay will be
thrilled, as well.
I so wanted to beat Ramsay,
'cause he's so competitive,
isn't he?
He is very competitive.
If you see last week,
he was like, "Yes!"
You describe yourself
as a brilliant driver.
-"Safe and very careful."
-Naturally.
It's a bit like cheap
and cheerful, that.
It doesn't really go together.
Oh, you're right, actually.
Did you do your own driving
in Life on Mars?
-Did a lot of it, yeah.
-Really?
Well, you get
a special thingy.
One of those HGV things.
-Have you got a knob on it?
-Yeah.
-Love that!
Handbrake. Knob.
-I want a...
-Knob. Handbrake.
I'd love a knob
on a steering wheel.
Come on our show.
There's loads of them.
-Shall we have
a look at the lap?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Let's play the lap.
See what's what.
-CLARKSON: Oh, it is wet.
This is the one, baby, baby.
I've never suited hats.
-How was the Stig?
Was he kind to you?
-GLENISTER: He was good.
-That's very neat.
-Come on.
GLENISTER: Swearing a bit.
Gordon Ramsay been
giving you lessons of
how to go around Chicago?
This doesn't look safe
and careful to me, it looks...
Now, we going to
under steer here.
Yes, we are!
First time I'd done
that bend badly.
CLARKSON: Now, here we go.
Now, this is it.
Did you keep your foot down?
Yeah, I think I did.
Look at the face.
CLARKSON:
Foot down, foot down.
You didn't lift here.
You promise... Oh, my God,
that's wide through there!
-There you go.
-Yes.
No,
it's impress... You see?
GLENISTER: In the wet.
CLARKSON: I'm real... Oh,
this has slowed down a bit.
In fact, are you now moving?
-That's the slow...
-GLENISTER: Oh, no!
You've slowed the film down!
What happened there?
What were you doing
when you crossed the line?
Yeah.
Well, it's because
on the five
practice goes I had,
I just kept spinning off
that last bit.
The Stig said
get into second, so I did.
There's a world of difference
between spinning off,
and slowing down to...
It felt a lot faster
when I was doing it!
Even Terry Wogan was
faster through that...
No! Oh, God!
No, I'm sorry.
That's not true actually.
Terry Wogan wasn't that slow
through there, but...
Anyway, where do you think
you've come?
You're our first wet lap.
So that does add
a bit of time.
I don't think it was too good.
I reckon down between
Rick and Jimmy.
No, not down there.
You were quicker
than Rick Wakeman.
You did it in 1:54:03.
There you go!
-And it's wet!
-And it's wet!
-There's a "W".
Okay.
That is a "W".
-Ah!
-Pleased with that?
Well, I mean considering
it was a bit damp out there.
I think that was pretty good.
Only if you'd just
kept your foot down
a little bit more
-on those last two corners,
you'd have been there.
-I know.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
-thanks very much for coming,
Philip Glenister!
-Thank you.
Now, earlier on,
the three of us
embarked on a noble quest
to build ourselves
an amphibious car each.
I'm happy to say that
after some swearing,
and a good deal
of knuckle scuffing,
we did it!
Yup! And then we were
all asked to meet up
at the Keele Services
on the M6 motorway,
where we were set a challenge.
CLARKSON: I was
the first to arrive
in my Toy-boata HiLux.
Which, as planned, still
looked and worked like a car.
Except for the welded up doors
and the outboard, obviously.
Morning.
Now, as you can see,
I lost the battle to have
two engines on the back
for three very good reasons.
One, weight.
This is 600 pounds.
And that's the same as
having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate.
Two, space.
There really isn't room
to get two side by side.
And three, cost.
13,000 quid this costs.
CLARKSON: Richard
was next to turn up.
I thought he had a Lotus!
What, in the name
of all that's holy, is that?
You said it was sleek!
Ah!
Where's he gone?
Oh, his door's...
-I love that!
-What do you think?
It's my narrow boat!
So, has it got all the...
-It's all there! Yeah!
-It's got a cooker
and everything?
Yeah, I can cook me tea!
This is my prow,
so it cuts through...
I'll be honest with you,
I've added a bit of weight.
-But it, um...
-How much weight?
Couple of tons.
Um, but it looks...
-Couple of...
-Tons.
If you look at my car
from the front...
-It's a car.
-Unaltered.
Is it gonna be fast?
40 knots.
-That's really fast.
-Really fast.
Yeah. No, no.
You will look quite good.
-To a point where...
-Obviously.
Where you're killed.
Look.
How've you kept the water
out of the vehicle?
Keep the doors shut.
Weld the doors up.
-You've welded the doors?
-Yeah.
I've welded the doors.
Now, you see, Richard.
-What?
-Well, if you...
I've done quite a lot of that.
That's foam.
-To give it buoyancy.
-No, I haven't done that.
So, you think that
left to its own devices,
a Volkswagen camper van
will float?
It's like a narrow boat
in shape.
-A narrow boat's
just a big box.
-Goodbye.
CLARKSON: We were then
interrupted by the arrival
of Dame Ellen May.
CLARKSON: It's James May!
What has he done?
-Avast, landlubbers!
-What's that?
-It's a sailing boat.
-It's not, James!
It's not a sailing boat.
It's a Triumph Herald with
a twig sticking out of it!
-HAMMOND: Yeah. It's um...
-Is this teak? No.
MAY: Yeah.
CLARKSON: No, it's not.
It's plywood with
biro marks on it.
You can mock it all you like.
It's gonna work.
Right. The one thing
you need in a sailing boat,
-I know this, is a keel.
-Yes.
-Where's your keel?
-Where's your keel?
If I put a keel on,
you'd have to cut grooves
in all the roads of Britain
so that I could drive.
-CLARKSON:
So you have no keel?
-I have no keel.
He's going to put up his sail.
The first breath of wind,
and he'll just go...
CLARKSON: But this wasn't
James' most immediate problem.
I just drove under a tree.
-Oh, God. Have you broken it?
-Yeah.
I've got to go
back up there,
and find the bit
that fell off.
CLARKSON: While James
mended his mast,
Richard and I settled down
in the damper van
for a nice cup of tea.
Lovely.
-What's that?
-It's Towpath Talk.
Is it interesting?
A lot more interesting than
watching him fix his mast.
You got more? What's this?
-Um, there's probably a...
-"Your Place in the Country."
A caravanning magazine.
What I did was
stock it with a library
that says everything
about this vehicle.
What you've got is
Camping and Caravanning
and Canals,
all in one bit of travel.
That's what it's about.
-You've got this one
as well, have you?
-Yeah.
Come on. You wouldn't be
doing this sitting on the back
of your ridiculous pick-up,
would you?
No, I wouldn't.
No, I wouldn't.
Do you know the amazing stuff
about this canal decoration?
I'm more interested in
why you bought this.
What is it?
Pair of useless, scurvy dogs.
CLARKSON: Finally,
we were ready
for our challenge.
This is the challenge,
gentlemen.
"You must drive
your amphibious cars..."
Yours isn't.
"To Rudyard Reservoir."
-Reservoir.
-A reservoir near Leek.
So we've gone from
Keele to Leek.
"And drive them all the way
across the two-mile stretch
of water."
-Two-mile stretch of...
-Two miles.
-If it's two miles,
it could be choppy.
MAY: Yeah.
Doesn't bother me,
I'm doing 40 knots.
Doesn't bother me.
I've got infinite wind power
and a very stable craft.
Mount up, gentlemen.
Oh, yeah!
-Yeah!
MAY: And we set sail!
Or set road.
MAY: It was only 20 miles
to the reservoir.
What could possibly go wrong?
Now's the time I could be
quite honest, really,
about some of the
aspects of this car.
The ride is...
Appalling.
I told Curtis,
"Don't weld
the suspension up!"
So, he hasn't.
He's just fitted
solid shock-absorbers.
HAMMOND: I had other issues.
When it was new,
it had 70 horsepower,
there or thereabouts.
Let's assume
it's now got about 40.
With the additions I've made,
this now weighs
two and a half tons!
This is the slowest thing
in the world!
But not as slow as James.
MAY: There we are in top gear,
35 miles an hour.
I'm sorry.
I don't have time for this!
That's 50.
CLARKSON: In the
traditional spirit of
Top Gear comradeship,
we left James behind.
Jeremy appears to be having
quite a bouncy ride.
HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
my lack of power really was
becoming a problem.
Help!
I'm trying to get up a hill!
I just went under a very low
telephone cable there.
So, I suspect that James
could easily plunge
the whole of Stoke-On-Trent
into the Middle Ages!
CLARKSON: To miss
overhead obstacles,
James had lowered his mast.
But this was cheating,
and soon, he was punished
with engine failure.
MAY: The other problem is...
I can't actually
open the bonnet
because I've had to seal it
in an attempt to keep it
floating without the nose
going down.
I didn't tell the others this
'cause I didn't want them
to mock me.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
back at the convoy.
-No!
-Not now.
HAMMOND: Wait!
I've died. I've died.
-Goodbye.
-No! Come on!
CLARKSON: They've failed.
Frankly.
Maybe their cars
will work on water.
But we'll never know 'cause
they'll never get there.
HAMMOND: I managed
to get it going again,
but not for long.
Engine's stalled.
No brakes. Limited steering.
I'm gonna have to ditch it.
Oh. I think we've overheated.
We've lost oil.
Water.
Diesel.
Blood, pus, the lot really.
HAMMOND: James,
rather thoughtfully,
chose to have
his second breakdown
right next to me.
What is it, me hearty?
Engine issues.
-Yes.
-That's the front.
The radiator is sort of there,
but then it goes
down a bit further.
Then, there's the grills.
-I'm beginning to understand.
-Then what we've done is...
-There's no cooling at all.
-Blocked it up.
So I've made these
buoyancy aids
that are around here
made out of this foam,
but I've also done it
under the front
and I think it's blocked
the radiator.
Right, we've both done
the same thing
because we're stupid.
MAY: So, we each
had a cup of tea
and waited for
the engines to cool.
HAMMOND: Soon, the damper van
was as good as new.
It's fine! It's fine!
Yeah!
CLARKSON: James had been told
to put his mast back up,
and was running well, too.
And so,
in Newcastle-Under-Lyme,
our convoy regrouped.
Oh, God.
I can't smell my own car
overheating because of that.
Oh, trees!
James, watch out
for the trees.
Trees, trees!
Trees! James, trees!
Uh-oh, trees.
CLARKSON: Then,
the inevitable happened.
Where's May?
HAMMOND: James, you've just
gone the wrong way.
CLARKSON: Then,
more inevitable happened.
Hammond, you've got
big smoke coming.
No, no. Stop.
Never mind.
Things could be worse.
Oh, cock.
Oh, no.
And I've stalled
and I've overheated.
Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile...
One person
breaks the speed limit
and we've got the best shot.
-Come on!
-This could take days.
They're a very
law-abiding bunch.
They are! I've never seen
anyone drive so slowly.
All doing 29.
CLARKSON: Eventually,
we were back on the road
and in the Peak District.
That's "Peak" as in hills.
And hills were
a big problem
for Hammond.
The really embarrassing
thing is,
it's slightly faster
like this.
The gloating will be endless.
Wonder how James is doing?
Well, this is more like it.
Performance has
improved dramatically.
I'm really bowling along.
CLARKSON: Finally,
Hammond and I
arrived at the reservoir.
Now, While we're waiting
for James,
I should explain it's March.
It's the coldest March
for 20 years
because of global warming.
And that means the water
into which
we shall be driving is...
-Well, how would you...
-Let me tell you.
-Ah!
CLARKSON: The big question was
which would arrive first?
Summer or James May?
CLARKSON: Where is he?
HAMMOND: I dunno.
I mean, he's gotta show up
at some time.
HAMMOND:
I can only just see the mast!
-Just the mast!
CLARKSON: Look at it.
Have you had a few problems?
No. I just had to make
a bit of a detour.
Low bridge. You know?
Mast.
Where's he going?
Watch this.
Brace! Brace!
It works!
That is really annoying.
I've got a rudder.
MAY: It did indeed work,
for a few moments.
But before I could hoist
my sails,
I drifted into some weeds
and got stuck.
CLARKSON: Then it was my turn.
Life jacket.
I was grateful when I saw
the water line
I'd insisted on only
having one engine.
Can you give me a tow
before you sink?
No, I can't give you a tow.
I'm leaking!
HAMMOND: I, however,
was about to launch
into a world of issues.
I've bolted my propeller
to the flywheel.
MAY: There he goes.
HAMMOND: And as I drove in,
it hit the ramp.
And broke.
So I was in the water
with no drive,
but that was the least
of my problems.
Oh, no! It's sinking!
Um...
Yeah, mine hasn't worked.
MAY: Can you come
and give us a tow?
HAMMOND: No, mate!
My engine doesn't work!
Those incompetent
co-presenters I have.
CLARKSON: With James
still in the weeds,
and Hammond going down fast,
I opened the taps
on my outboard
and went for a test drive.
Oh, yeah. This is nice.
Manoeuvrable, comfortable.
It just works.
Did you want tea or coffee?
MAY: Tea, please, mate.
It works, but really,
this is top speed.
That's annoying.
CLARKSON: Richard wasn't
going anywhere
unless he found some power.
-I've got a spare outboard.
-HAMMOND: You are joking!
I have.
How much would you give me?
A million pounds.
-A million?
-And a leg.
Take your pick, either leg.
Oh, yes! Now, what do I do?
Oh, God.
CLARKSON: So could he get
the engine on and working
before his damper van sank?
How do I start it?
Could he make it
to the other side of the lake?
MAN: Pull!
Please!
Could James?
By this stage,
he'd got his sails up.
He was out of the weeds
and under way!
Just...
MAY: Ow!
Mind you, he was going
faster than Hammond.
Yes!
It's moving! I'm moving!
It's a boat!
Rolling.
CLARKSON:
Finally, we were off!
Two miles.
Frankly, I've won this.
Come on, baby!
MAY: Come on, wind!
CLARKSON: Sadly, my exuberance
with the throttle
was causing
problems for the Toy-boata.
No, no, no!
I've got a massive bow wave
at the front!
But Hammond had bigger ones.
No! No!
No!
Ah!
Yes!
Come on, baby!
This is the moment.
Look, it's a Titanic moment!
Look.
It's going!
It's going!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
CLARKSON: Hammond, how much?
-For what?
-A lift.
I'll give you a million quid,
or this bucket.
What do we think, viewers?
Oh, come on! I'm going down!
-Where's May?
-I don't know!
What do you think
I'm worried about right now?
I'm aboard.
Now, get in there
and get bailing!
Oh, right.
-I've come up with a problem.
-What?
You.
You owe me a million pounds!
CLARKSON: While I was on
my perilous rescue mission,
James had powered ahead.
MAY: I need more wind.
Here we go!
My toy submarine is off!
That's full power.
It's working.
It's not working.
HAMMOND: No.
It's slow but certain,
and I'm not sinking.
HAMMOND: Even though we were
racing someone travelling
at the slowest speed
ever recorded by man...
Oh, come on!
Jeremy still insisted
on going at full tilt.
Up! Up!
Rise!
Rise, Toy-boata!
-Ah!
-It's coming over the side!
And boats don't do
emergency stops.
HAMMOND: Ah! Jeremy!
We're going in!
Relax!
CLARKSON: Our bailing session
meant the tortoise
was catching up.
I can see the finish line.
It's about, I dunno,
a couple of hundred
yards away.
Or about
four and a half hours.
CLARKSON: So this was it,
the final assault.
CLARKSON: Coming in hot.
We're nearly there.
Come on, you bitch.
I'm gonna make it!
I just had to turn 'round
the pontoon and park,
but I turned
too hard and too fast.
CLARKSON: That was a mistake.
HAMMOND: You make have just
overcooked it.
-Richard.
Richard!
It's going over!
That's pretty cold!
CLARKSON: That's pretty
bloody cold.
I can't believe it!
Two miles, and it goes now!
No!
No!
No!
HMS Clarkson has capsized
by the sounds of things.
That is fantastic.
Ah, yeah.
Well, it was a good idea.
It had only one major flaw.
What?
I think I may have won
my second Top Gear event.
I simply...
Step off.
If he drives out of the water,
I'm gonna kill myself.
Eh?
-Yeah.
-Fair enough.
MAY: Is that your car?
CLARKSON: Yes.
It's the wrong way up.
Don't give me technicalities!
Would you agree I made it
to the pontoon?
No.
Watch this for
a perfect about.
We'll give you a hand.
-That's annoying!
-HAMMOND: That is irritating!
That's annoying.
Can you do it?
MAY: The clutch has gone.
-HAMMOND: The clutch has gone?
-Oh, he's failed!
No, I haven't failed.
-You have!
-No, I'm out!
-You're not out!
-I'm on the slipway!
Can I just say, chaps?
One observation I would have,
sailing...
-Really boring!
CLARKSON:
My favourite thing...
My favourite thing.
Did you see as he was trying
to get off the Toyota,
he grabbed the back wheel,
like that.
You'd have thought,
as a hamster,
he'd know a wheel
would get him nowhere.
What gets me is I'm 36,
I've never sunk in my life.
And then, in one day,
I sank twice.
But that does
kind of answer the question,
doesn't it?
How hard can it be to make
an amphibious vehicle?
Very, very hard indeed.
Well, hang on a minute.
I thought I did rather well.
HAMMOND: Well...
MAY: Hmm.
Not quite as well
as me, though.
No, I'm sorry, James,
I'm sorry.
The idea was to build
an amphibious car.
Land and water.
On the road, you overheated,
it was confused by bridges
and trees,
and you had to get
a lift on a tow truck,
and then when we got
to the reservoir,
I rescued the hamster twice,
-and still made it
to the other side before you.
-Ah.
I knew you'd bring that up,
but nowhere
in that challenge
did it say it was a race.
And, let's be honest,
when you got to the pontoon,
you were the wrong way up.
-And...
If you booked a holiday
on a cruise ship
and it came into harbour
upside-down,
you'd want your money back,
I think.
HAMMOND: He has a point there.
He does have a point.
It is a fair point.
Okay, now...
The challenge was to see
if we could capture
the public's imagination.
So, I'll tell you
what we'll do.
We'll have a vote...
Who thinks
which one of us did best?
Right?
So,
in the interest of fairness,
who thinks Richard's
damper van was best?
-Hands up!
-I do, okay, just me.
CLARKSON: That's uh...
All right! It's just me!
Move on!
All those who think that
my Toy-boata was best.
That's a smattering of hands.
And all those who think
James's Herald yacht was best.
-All right!
Thank you!
It's a fair victory.
It's a fair victory.
It's not like I'm a sore loser
or anything.
It's just that for going
home tonight,
James won't be
using the Herald,
because the clutch is gone.
Richard won't be using that,
because it was ruined
in the accident.
Whereas because I bought
a HiLux, and as we know
from here,
they are indestructible,
-I shall be driving this home.
-MAY: Yes, all right.
Yes, thank you all
very much
for watching.
-Um, it's been, um...
You have broken
the indestructible car!
It's not working.
No, it's not gonna work!
And on that bombshell,
it's time to end the show.
Thanks very much for watching!
Good night!
HAMMOND: It's going over!
CLARKSON: That's pretty cold.
I get a hot head.
Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!
-Richard gets another
Top Gear Dog.
-Help!
And James has some
trouble with wind.
Hello, and welcome,
and we start tonight
with a question.
Don't you think
it's weird that in this
great island nation
with its proud
maritime history,
that none of us really drives
amphibious cars?
We can buy loads of stuff
that works on the road
and off the road,
but there's almost nothing
that works on the road
and on the water.
Why?
I mean, how hard can it be?
MAY: All three of us
have gone our separate ways.
We've each bought a car.
We now have two days in which
to make them amphibious.
At the end of that,
there will of course be
a mystery challenge
of some sort to see
who's done the best job.
I've bought this.
A Triumph Herald.
And here's my idea.
Instead of using the engine
to power it on the water,
I'm going to fit it
with a mast and some sails.
How brilliant is that?
I have no idea
what James is doing,
nor do any of us
have any idea
what kind of water
we'll be tested on.
I think it'll be
some sort of river,
or maybe a canal,
which is why I have bought
a camper van which
I'm gonna turn into
a houseboat of sorts.
Yes, it'll be my very own
home from home,
on land or on water.
And there'll be a warm welcome
waiting inside wherever I go.
It's the most multi-purpose,
multi-purpose vehicle ever.
CLARKSON: Me?
Well, I've come to the Solent
to see an old friend.
His name's Steve Curtis,
and he's won
the Class One Offshore
Power-Boat World Championship
seven times!
Here's the thing, okay.
Amphibious cars to me,
the problem has always been,
is that,
they're too complicated.
You've got to get
the power to the wheels,
and when you go in the water,
you've got to stop the power
going to the wheels,
pull a lever and make it
go to the propeller.
So why not just get a car,
and then put an
outboard motor on the back?
-Yeah, it's simple.
-Yeah, and it would work.
Yeah, for sure.
What sort of car have you got?
CLARKSON: Yup.
It's a Toyota HiLux
pick-up truck,
which I chose for two reasons.
Firstly, as we've proved with
a number of tests on Top Gear,
it is completely
indestructible.
And secondly, that rear end
is the perfect mounting point
for an outboard.
This is a great
little outboard
because everything's in it.
See, what you do,
you pop it in there,
put this down...
It might need to be
a little bit longer.
Look, I was thinking
more Steve, in terms
of this, to be honest.
In fact, I'm thinking
more in terms of
two of these
rather than one of these.
-How many horsepower is that?
-It's 2.3.
Which'll get you along
very nicely.
2.3 is a small amount
of horsepower.
Honestly, I want this.
But don't you just want it
to sort of go?
That's 225 horsepower.
So two, 450 horsepower.
That's half the horsepower
of a Formula One car.
There'll be water, I mean,
it's gonna be very...
You can't put two on.
It's gonna be
all over the place.
I mean, you'll roll it.
It'd just be unstable.
HAMMOND: Now,
Jeremy chose Steve
because he's an expert
on hydrodynamics,
and then set about
arguing with him.
I chose my expert
on the strength of his accent.
-We'll extend the stern
onto here.
-Yeah.
So, it'll give you
somewhere obviously,
for the summer days
you can get out,
steer the boat on the back.
HAMMOND: Unlike Jeremy,
I was going to run
a single small propeller
from the van's engine,
even though it was
only a 1.6 diesel.
I mean, it doesn't
have to be fast.
This isn't a speedboat.
I just want it to be able...
Well, like a canal boat.
Wood, aluminium, bits of rope,
clink, clink, clink
in the wind,
all that, you know,
little telltale on the top.
So you model that car
after your Russell Crowe
-Master and Commander style.
-Yes!
CLARKSON: I was adamant
that my pick-up truck remain
as car-like as possible.
Apart from the
two big engines, obviously.
But Steve insisted
it had to have a hull.
What does he know?
This is complicated.
Well, it's a case of,
do you want it to go
forward in water or not?
-Yes!
-Well, then, you'll need
that little bit.
I think we might have to do
a little bit to the bottom.
I don't think we can leave
sort of a wheel...
I think we gotta
lock off the suspension.
-I'm not doing that.
-Well, how do you...
Because we're in
an amphibious car.
That means a car
that goes in water.
If you start locking
the wheels off, it isn't.
But then, when we
go in the water,
they'll just drop like that.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile, James had
a much more basic problem.
-Looks like, I'll get
the lads for a push.
-Would you?
CLARKSON: Hamster!
How's it going?
Very well, thank you.
Very well indeed.
What are you doing?
What have you got?
I don't want
to tell you, really,
but, it's pretty sleek
as a road-going vehicle.
And as a boat, I think
it's gonna be a winner.
I bet it's a Lotus Esprit,
isn't it?
Well, it's a monocoque.
Um, so it has sort of,
sporting pretencions.
And what are you going
in terms of propulsion?
A lot of power.
I'm going to fully utilise
the onboard power.
CLARKSON: Hammond was
keeping his cards
close to his chest.
-Hello?
-May?
-Clarkson.
-Have you heard from Hamster?
Yeah, I did, but I can't get
much out of him.
He's now saying
his car is rear engine,
but not a 911.
I think he's bought
a Hillman Imp and
he's making a submarine.
Put there, and then,
another one there!
I can't tell you
how dangerous
and ridiculous...
Why would it be dangerous?
CLARKSON: To try and prove
that one motor
would be enough,
Steve took me out in a
single-engine race boat.
-And guess who we ran into?
-Hey!
Brushing up on his
sailing skills.
There's a boat there called
Hey Presto.
Oh, there's a boat
right here called Puffin.
Hello, Puffin.
-James!
-Clarkson!
What are you doing?
He's trying to show me
that one engine is sufficient.
Where are you going?
Wherever it goes.
I'm just relearning
my sailing skills.
How long is it since
you were in a sailing boat?
-31 years.
MAY: You utter pirate!
CLARKSON: Even
in this baby racer,
we hit 70 miles an hour
and caught some air.
It was all jolly exciting!
But...
I still think we need
two engines.
Sorry, but I do.
-Flip that over and
bring your left hand.
-Oh, yes!
CLARKSON: To make way for
Steve's pointless hull,
the bull bar had to
come off the Toyota.
But this being a HiLux,
it put up a fight.
I'm taking the exhaust
through a pipe,
through the van,
and out the roof.
So, I think, you see?
A little finishing touch,
a chimney there.
Rope thing, yes.
That could go on the front
quite well.
Maybe one of those.
And, uh, perhaps a duck.
Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!
Oh! Ow!
Argh!
Oh, for God's sake!
Right, that's got it!
CLARKSON: We had
one day left to get ready,
and our vehicles
were far from
being seaworthy.
Mine was still on fire.
CLARKSON: Now...
We will pick that up later on
and find out just how
badly it goes wrong
for one of us.
-But in the meantime,
let's do the news!
-Yes, absolutely!
You know how dogs
like to stick their head
out the window, in the car?
-Yeah.
-Well, we've been sent these
for Top Gear Dog
in case we ever take it
in a convertible car.
-Yeah.
-So, she doesn't get
anything in her eyes.
They're the latest thing.
They're called Doggles!
You see,
the dog puts them on
and there you go!
They're not Doggles,
they're normal goggles
-with the G crossed out
and a D put there!
-No, no, no!
They're goggles.
They're not because...
They've got a special bit
there, you see,
so you can put them on,
and then, she hooks that bit
round her collar,
then she can take it off,
and then, whenever she wants,
then she can just
put them on like that...
How's she going to put them
back on again?
-Well...
-Ha-ha!
They'll have to invent
new dog thumbs
that they strap
onto their paws
and then they can...
Let's see what
she looks like, come on.
Top Gear, come on,
put these on.
Oh, yeah!
HAMMOND: What do you reckon?
She looks pretty cool.
Now, we get loads of letters
on this show,
very angry ones from
people who say that
we don't do enough
affordable cars.
You know, family cars.
One particularly
angry caller last week
rang the BBC duty log
saying we were a disgrace.
Well, Mr Needham,
check this out.
That is the new
Vauxhall Corsa.
-And moving on now...
Good news! Good news.
Because of a water shortage,
because of global warming,
that means
there's a hosepipe ban.
No more washing cars! Result!
HAMMOND: That's not good news!
It's not good news!
I don't like having
a dirty car,
and I actually love
washing my car.
Anyone who washes their car
either has a small mind,
or an unhappy marriage.
I turn it into
a family occasion.
My eldest daughter is five.
She loves cleaning
the car with me.
-We share it.
-Oh, what do you...
-Do you live in
a yoghurt commercial?
-No! It's good fun.
-Your car is revolting.
The inside of your car
especially is what?
-Disgusting.
-It's like a skip.
Everything I've ever bought
is in my car.
It's as simple as that
and it just means that
whatever city I go to,
I have an A to Z
in there somewhere.
I've got road maps
for everywhere.
And then, whatever disease
I happen to catch in the car,
there is a pill to cure it
just in there.
The only thing
I keep in my car
is a little paint brush
for cleaning dust
out of the switches.
You're scaring me, mate!
And I always like to have
the air vents lined up...
-Stop talking now.
-So they're completely
symmetrical.
-And if anybody moves them...
-No, stop it!
I get really angry!
-HAMMOND: He does
genuinely scare me.
-He does. Yeah.
Properly. Hey, listen.
You know those
dot matrix signs that
you see on the M25?
The overhead gantries
with messages saying,
"Congestion ahead,"
and there never is.
-No, there isn't.
-Do you know why?
Well, because
there's never been
any correlation
between a dot matrix
display and the truth.
-HAMMOND: That's true.
-That is true.
In fact, I've got a mate
with a microwave oven
with a dot matrix on
and when you cook
something in it,
it goes "ping"
and then it says
"Enjoy your meal."
Which is extremely unlikely if
it's come out of a microwave,
to be completely honest.
Well, particularly unlikely
when I was drying my pants
in them the other day.
It said, "Enjoy your meal."
-In a mate's microwave?
-Well...
That means you had
no pants on
in your mate's kitchen!
No!
How did you get them wet
in your mate's...
HAMMOND: What were you doing?
I washed them!
He's there
with his coffee in the morning
you're there with no pants on!
-I had my spare pants on.
-HAMMOND: Stop talking.
Stop talking.
He doesn't have
a tumble dryer.
I have to get
back to it, okay.
Because I've done
some more checking on this.
Okay. Shall I tell you
the reason why they do
the dot-matrix
lying on the M25?
It's cause if they put,
"Congestion ahead,"
it means they can put
the low speed limits up.
And that triggers
the speed cameras.
It turns them on.
What, at the lower end?
If the motorway's
clear and empty,
it's a 70 mile an hour limit,
the cameras aren't on.
If they say,
there's congestion,
lower the limit to 50,
the cameras come on at 50.
Seriously. That's absolutely
not a word of a lie.
You're driving on a completely
empty motorway,
"Oh, sorry,
we made a mistake,"
but the cameras
are on getting you.
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
It's Dick Turpin-ism.
It is Dick Turpin-ism.
But the fact is, if you went
past a speed camera,
you're still gonna get done.
Hey, listen.
My mother, okay.
You know I said
in the last series
I'd buy her a Honda Civic?
You did.
She's had a test-drive in one
and she doesn't like it.
Why not?
Because she says
the gearbox is wrong.
-What, you mean,
it's not very well spoken?
-No.
She says that every time
it changes gear,
you go through the windscreen.
And you know what, James?
You reviewed this car
a couple of weeks ago,
I'm surprised
you never mentioned
that drawback to her.
It's quite a big one, that!
I didn't really think
anyone would be
very interested in that.
What, that you
go through the windscreen
every time it changes gear?
Yeah, it's a bit sort of
consumer-oriented.
Anyway, I am now left
with a problem, which is,
what on earth to buy her?
Have you seen this?
The Noble M15 maybe?
-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-Tell me more.
-£75,000.
Three litre twin-turbo
V6 engine,
185 miles an hour,
British built, of course.
Naught to 60 in under
four seconds in that.
She'd go through
the back window
if you put her...
-HAMMOND: Possibly, yes!
Tempting.
Tempting, I must say!
Uh, maybe.
Maybe that's the answer.
Uh, now, anyway listen,
Lotus has gone mad.
Up there in the
turnip fields of Norfolk,
they have gone insane.
I've got a whole
raft of them here,
which I thought
I'd show to you.
They're working on a new
mid-engined replacement
for the Esprit.
Put a picture of it there.
Check that out.
HAMMOND: Oh, nice!
CLARKSON: That does look
very nice.
That's just
a drawing, obviously.
They're saying
it'll look like that.
They've got that.
Well, they're working
with Volkswagen.
It's a tricycle thing,
one wheel at the back.
This is a seven-seat
crossover vehicle,
sort of, like, a Volvo XC90.
They've got the Europa
which is a sort of
a softer, bigger Elise.
They're working on a
low-power, cheaper Elise.
And there's a new
type of Exige.
It's called the S,
and it sticks absolutely to
the old Lotus philosophy.
Simplify and add lightness.
CLARKSON: Unlike
any other car maker,
Lotus doesn't ask
what the customer might want,
they ask, what the customer
could do without.
And it seems we can do
without quite a lot.
In fact, there are only
two luxuries in here.
There's an electric window
on the driver's side,
and another one over there.
And they're optional extras.
You really do get a sense
from this car that there is
no waste at all,
that it is basically
a road-going go-kart!
Other than this
ghastly badge here
which looks like
it belongs on
the note-paper
of a Middle Eastern
hotel chain.
It has lights for
when it goes dark,
a roof for when it rains,
and these semi-slick tyres
for when it doesn't.
-Like now.
Now, if you remember,
we tested a normal Exige
a couple of years ago.
It came down here
to the track,
and it outmanoeuvred
a helicopter gunship.
And this one
is broadly the same
on the handling front.
God, it's good!
Where it's not the same is
under the bonnet,
because they fitted the
1.8 litre Toyota engine
with a supercharger.
So now, it has some guts
to go with the G!
Top speed, 148 miles an hour.
Naught to 60, four seconds!
It's the fastest
accelerating car
Lotus has ever made.
It's the feel of the thing
that impresses most of all.
I'm in sixth gear now,
60 miles an hour, foot down,
and you can feel
this sort of,
invisible wave of torque
pushing you along.
It's like,
when you're swimming
and you get
caught in a current.
Ah, where did that come from?
Only you don't drown.
Oh! This really is
one hell of a car.
To see how much of a car,
I've devised a little test.
This is a Ford Mustang.
It's made by one of the
world's biggest car firms
in Detroit, Michigan.
Motor city.
It's got a 4.6 litre
300 brake horsepower
V8 at the front,
rear-wheel drive at the back,
and a Stig in the middle.
And he's lined up alongside
a plastic car that was made by
some Norfolk turnip farmers,
which is being driven
by a fat bloke
with a dickey hip.
Right, stand by for
a two-lap race
on our short circuit.
This is sushi versus
a hamburger.
Come on, Stig.
Keep up with this!
Come on!
I only have 1.8 litres.
He has nearly
three times more than that.
And twice as many cylinders!
I can brake later than him,
I can turn harder than him.
I get up to power
sooner than him.
Where is he?
I don't know why
I keep looking at
the rear-view mirror,
'cause all I see through
that is engine!
Oh, he's miles away!
Yes!
Norfolk one, Detroit nil.
Frankly, the result wasn't
really surprising.
Because stuff sold by the gram
is always going to be
more exciting than stuff
sold by the pound.
Saffron, for example,
is more exciting
than lard, or charcoal,
or manure.
As I see it, there are only
three drawbacks to this car.
It costs £33,000
which is quite a lot.
It's pretty noisy
when you go past 85,
and unless you're as slim
and as agile as it is,
getting out can be
quite undignified!
Mostly though,
it's just a triumph of
British engineering.
HAMMOND: Wow!
It's... I suppose you think
this is huge!
It's a giant! But hang on.
So what you're saying is,
small and light is better
in every way, really.
No! No, I'm not saying that.
-That's what you say.
-No, it isn't.
-You kind of are.
-Mmm.
Okay, well, we're gonna
prove that now by finding out
how it does in a full lap
of our test track.
Yeah, now that means
handing it over
to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his genitals
are on upside down.
And that if he could
be bothered,
he could crack
the Da Vinci Code
in 43 seconds.
All we know is,
he's called the Stig.
And he's off!
Slingshot acceleration there,
thanks to those slick tyres
and the fact that
it doesn't weigh anything.
Steering down
the first corner.
Look at that.
Completely smooth,
completely controlled.
Huge... Oh, wait a minute.
Got a bit wobbly there,
but, Stig's got it.
No problem at all.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Peter ha cinque anni...
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Peter is five.
CLARKSON: Stig must be fluent
in irrelevant Italian by now.
Here we go.
Through Chicago, inside.
Look at that!
It's absolutely smoking.
That's 'cause there's no
limited slip diff
coming into the hammerhead.
Lotus' normally
under steer here.
That one is as well.
Oh, look,
it's still smoking there.
He's right on the line.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ho bisogno di un taxi.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
I need a taxi.
CLARKSON: No,
he doesn't need a taxi.
He's got this little
mosquito to play with.
Through the follow-through.
That is so quick
on those tyres.
Now, how quick here?
Very quick.
This though is probably
where the lack
of ultimate power
might hurt the time.
Second to last corner.
Here we are.
Hard on the brakes,
flicks it in,
and he's on the ragged edge!
And there we go!
Amazing. Amazing.
Now, that was
almost certainly
the most economical lap
of our track ever,
and it did it in 1:25:01.
So, look at that.
Quicker than a Ferrari 575.
Quicker than an M5!
So that's where it goes
on the power board.
Now, let's find where it goes
on the cool wall!
HAMMOND: Yes! There it is!
The cool wall. Oh, yeah.
And we begin with the Exige.
There it is.
I want to talk
about the colour,
first of all.
It's in white.
It looks brilliant in white,
and that's because white is
like the up and
coming colour.
CLARKSON: It absolutely is.
911, brilliant in white.
Golf GTI, Ford GT...
-It's the iPod thing.
You know why iPods are white?
-Yeah, cool.
And because of that,
I've now bought a pair
of white sunglasses.
They're not cool, no.
-They're brilliant!
They are brilliant.
-No.
But they're just the exception
that's proving the rule.
Some things
don't work in white.
Shoes, for example.
White shoes. Teeth.
Get off it.
-I wondered how long
that would take.
-That does look fantastic.
It does work in white,
and we must decide
where to put it on the board.
Well, it's a brilliant car.
A brilliant car,
as you showed
and it's uncool.
It is uncool,
it's trying too hard!
I'm sorry.
Did anyone hear that?
No, no, no.
You're breaking your own rule.
-The Kristin Scott
Thomas rule.
-What about it?
-You're gonna
pitch up in that.
-Yeah.
"Do you want to
come out in my Lotus?" No.
-I'm sorry, Richard,
this is...
-No, no, no.
Because you have to explain
what it is all the time.
-You don't.
It's a very cute little car.
-Yes, you do.
It's like a supercar
but it's only 30 grand.
You'll find yourself going,
"Oh, it's practically
a supercar.
This my dear..."
It's not pretty.
It's a very brilliant car,
and that is an end of it.
Yes, am I right?
Hands up
if you think I'm right.
-These are your rules.
-You think I'm right.
There you are.
They agree with me.
A man in shorts agrees and
that's that decided, is it?
You like it?
-You think it's good?
-Good car.
-You think it's cool?
-A nice cool car.
He's wearing shorts,
it's ruined it.
From a man in shorts...
That is such a shame.
That's another
British car company
up the swanny.
What about this? Check it out.
HAMMOND: That looks all right.
I know. It looks okay.
It looks okay,
this thing, okay.
It's got a chassis
tuned by Lotus.
-They used to be cool
before he came along.
-HAMMOND: Spoiled it.
Costs less than £6,000.
And it's a small car.
Small cars are
generally quite cool.
-And it's called
a Proton Savvy!
-Oh, it's failed!
I mean, savvy
means discerning.
I've been struggling
with this next one.
Oh, yeah, that is quite
a difficult call.
-What do we do?
We could put it...
-I don't know.
-The Nissan Micra.
Really, the decision is...
How far down?
Yeah. Yeah.
CLARKSON: There.
HAMMOND: And to be honest...
-MAN: It's cool
if you're a girl.
-That's being kind... What?
-I'm sorry.
-MAN: It's cool
if you're a girl.
Have you seen your ears?
I mean, no, really!
I know girls
who like pink cars.
You know girls
is the interesting part.
-Is that car cool?
-No.
-Do you know him?
-No.
There you go.
Let's just find some more...
The Nissan Micra in pink.
Cool?
-No.
-No.
-I think it's cool.
-HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
-Yeah, I'd go with that.
-You think it's cool?
Why do we invite
these people?
Why do you ask their opinion?
It's really...
Trust me on this.
If you drive one of those,
it's not a cool look.
I know about
sartorial elegance.
-Jaguar XK.
-MAN: Subzero!
Well, I'm sorry. Where are we?
Who said subzero?
-Subzero, you think?
-Definitely.
Where do you work at Jaguar?
Do you like this?
Do you work for Jaguar?
Yes.
I'm afraid it's not cool.
It's sad this, isn't it?
It's a sad moment.
I'm afraid Jaguar
still have a whiff
of the golf club about them.
-They do.
-There's that... What?
WOMAN: They're copying Aston.
They're copying Aston? Well...
Hold on a sec.
You think it's...
I think an Aston Martin
looks like an Aston Martin.
They're copying it.
They've lost
all their imagination.
They're just copying
other cars.
Well, no, the thing is,
it's designed by the same man,
actually, that did it.
There you go, then.
But you know, if I said
you looked like Cameron Diaz,
would that make you less cool?
No, absolutely not.
I totally agree.
It's a gorgeous car,
but they've lost
their imagination.
They're copying Aston Martin.
-But, now, it doesn't...
-They're Jaguar,
they're not Aston Martin.
Well, she's informed!
She has a point, but that's
not the problem with it.
The problem is, it's the
double-breasted nature
-of the people who drive them.
-Yeah.
But, I mean, they've still
made it big enough
to fit golf clubs in.
If they'd made it
just too small, like an inch,
so you couldn't
quite get golf clubs in,
it would be cool.
Well, I'm afraid
it's not cool.
And that is so
pissing off our director,
-'cause he's just bought one!
-HAMMOND: Yes!
Oh, hey.
The Koenigsegg, okay.
Now you saw this
a couple of weeks ago.
Came here and nearly
killed the Stig.
Normally,
supercars are uncool.
If we look down here,
there's the old Koenigsegg,
and the Ford GT and so on.
They're all down there.
But this one is so scary,
we think...
-We think it's cool.
-Yeah.
Just 'cause it's dangerous.
Because it's so...
No, genuinely.
Because if you go through
the pearly gates backwards
in a fireball,
that's a cool way to die.
I love that vision
of just blasting
through the gates backwards
in a flaming Swedish supercar.
Yes, I'm here!
Where are the women?
Exactly.
'Cause if you get wheeled
through the pearly gates
with a grey face,
and a tube up your nose...
-That's bad.
-That's cool.
Come on in,
in your flaming supercar.
So, I don't think
it's super cool,
-but it's certainly cool.
Are we right?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.
CLARKSON: That is a cool car.
Now, it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight
is the hard talking,
hard fighting DCI
in a retro '70s cop drama.
Or as James May calls it,
that futuristic police series.
Please welcome
star of Life on Mars,
Philip Glenister!
Hi.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Well, well, well.
Now, um...
Now, listen, you have
been in two of my really
very favourite dramas.
-There's Clocking Off.
Fab. Okay.
-Oh.
-And then, State Of Play.
-Right. Thank you, yeah.
-And then followed it up with
Life on Mars.
-I know. Yeah.
That must be one of the...
In Life on Mars,
it must be one of the
most fun characters
to go and play,
to actually be in the '70s.
Well, I based it on you.
Perhaps that's why
I enjoy it so much.
The shoes, particularly.
Yes, the shoes.
I must say I do look at that
wardrobe and think that is...
-You.
-Pretty much the same
as the one I've got.
-Exactly.
I do like the camel coat.
Camel coat is great.
Apparently, it's on eBay,
so there's loads out there.
No, it's...
It's not. I've got it.
And also, the music
you've got is so much better
than the rubbish now.
Well, yeah. I agree.
You know,
The Sweet for instance,
Ballroom Blitz.
-What a fantastic record.
-Oh!
There's a man at the back
said, "Everyone attack,
"There's gonna be
a ballroom blitz."
There's a girl in the corner,
said, "Boy, I wanna warn you,
"there's gonna be
a ballroom blitz."
-Fantastic song. Great song.
-And The Who.
-Fantastic.
And a lot of Who
and a lot of David Bowie.
Of course. Yeah, the governor.
If I can just be so bold,
the thing that spoiled
Life on Mars for me
a little bit,
was the Cortina
that you drove.
Okay, 'cause the spoiler
was two years out of date
or something.
Worse than that.
We've actually got
a picture of it which...
Now, you see.
It's a GXL.
-Yes.
-And it's billed as a GXL.
-And it's got GXL headlamps.
-Right.
-But the vinyl roof was only
available on the 2000E.
-Really?
Do you know I think
you're confusing me for
somebody who gives a toss.
But this is the trouble!
You get all these people
in dramas and they work
making sure that every
Elizabethan button
is exactly right,
and what have you.
But they're not that bothered,
just any old car will do.
We've got a bunch of sites
on the web and everything.
Some of the attention
to detail that
they pick us up on...
It's me!
Typing away at night.
It's got the E badge
on the back. It can't...
Do you know
what this is, genuinely?
It's a Maserati in disguise.
I've no idea.
No, it's worse. It's worse.
What it is, is somebody's
cut the front end
off a 2000E,
which is a later model,
shoved the GXL front on it,
so it's older than 25 years,
so you don't have
to pay road tax.
You're driving
a cut and shut car in a TV...
You are!
-Damn!
-Yes!
Now, you've...
And also the Allegra.
I'll get back on Monday,
and I'll tell them.
Have you seen your Allegro,
your panda car?
Yeah, I know.
That didn't come in
till '76, or something!
'79! That's a series three.
How do you think
we get such good
ratings for this show?
-It's the attention to detail.
-Attention to detail.
Mark. I mean...
You're doing the
second series now, aren't you?
We're currently
doing the second series.
We got the DVD
of the first series
that's just come out.
So, that's on release.
And we're filming
the second series.
Yeah, start back
on it tomorrow.
Now, you got
a BMW three series,
-330, if I'm not
very much mistaken?
-Yeah.
And you say
the only thing...
wrong with it is,
there's not enough room
for golf clubs in the boot.
That's the only thing
right about it, in fact!
I take it you're not
into golf, Jeremy.
-Loathe golf.
Do you play golf?
-Love it.
-Really?
-Mmm. I do. It's my...
I'm a member of the
Stage Golf Society,
which is...
Second oldest society
in the country.
-I love Larry Olivier's
four at Wentworth.
-It's true!
It's the only place on a
golf course you'll tee off,
be like,
"Using a three wood, tresh?"
-"I'm not sure, love.
What do you think?"
"Smashing drive, sweetheart."
"Thank you, ducky!"
-It is...
-Yeah.
-Fully theatrical?
-Oh!
And it is a good game, is it?
It just seems...
It's a very frustrating.
It's a great game.
I understand why
people don't like it.
The problem with golf is
the people that play it.
Yeah, it's the initials thing.
you know, C.J.
-you don't address him
by his initials...
-Yeah, I mean...
You know, I've been
to committee meetings
where they've discussed
the length of your socks.
Yes. Machine-gun them...
Well, you just think...
Do we wonder
why people hate us golfers?
-Now, your lap.
-My lap.
How'd it go out there?
How's the Lacetti?
What's that?
-The Chevy!
-A painting, isn't it?
It was a bit...
I'm gonna make an excuse here.
-It was a bit wet.
-Was it?
Bit damp out there today.
-Trevor Eve will be thrilled.
-A bit greasy.
Gordon Ramsay will be
thrilled, as well.
I so wanted to beat Ramsay,
'cause he's so competitive,
isn't he?
He is very competitive.
If you see last week,
he was like, "Yes!"
You describe yourself
as a brilliant driver.
-"Safe and very careful."
-Naturally.
It's a bit like cheap
and cheerful, that.
It doesn't really go together.
Oh, you're right, actually.
Did you do your own driving
in Life on Mars?
-Did a lot of it, yeah.
-Really?
Well, you get
a special thingy.
One of those HGV things.
-Have you got a knob on it?
-Yeah.
-Love that!
Handbrake. Knob.
-I want a...
-Knob. Handbrake.
I'd love a knob
on a steering wheel.
Come on our show.
There's loads of them.
-Shall we have
a look at the lap?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Let's play the lap.
See what's what.
-CLARKSON: Oh, it is wet.
This is the one, baby, baby.
I've never suited hats.
-How was the Stig?
Was he kind to you?
-GLENISTER: He was good.
-That's very neat.
-Come on.
GLENISTER: Swearing a bit.
Gordon Ramsay been
giving you lessons of
how to go around Chicago?
This doesn't look safe
and careful to me, it looks...
Now, we going to
under steer here.
Yes, we are!
First time I'd done
that bend badly.
CLARKSON: Now, here we go.
Now, this is it.
Did you keep your foot down?
Yeah, I think I did.
Look at the face.
CLARKSON:
Foot down, foot down.
You didn't lift here.
You promise... Oh, my God,
that's wide through there!
-There you go.
-Yes.
No,
it's impress... You see?
GLENISTER: In the wet.
CLARKSON: I'm real... Oh,
this has slowed down a bit.
In fact, are you now moving?
-That's the slow...
-GLENISTER: Oh, no!
You've slowed the film down!
What happened there?
What were you doing
when you crossed the line?
Yeah.
Well, it's because
on the five
practice goes I had,
I just kept spinning off
that last bit.
The Stig said
get into second, so I did.
There's a world of difference
between spinning off,
and slowing down to...
It felt a lot faster
when I was doing it!
Even Terry Wogan was
faster through that...
No! Oh, God!
No, I'm sorry.
That's not true actually.
Terry Wogan wasn't that slow
through there, but...
Anyway, where do you think
you've come?
You're our first wet lap.
So that does add
a bit of time.
I don't think it was too good.
I reckon down between
Rick and Jimmy.
No, not down there.
You were quicker
than Rick Wakeman.
You did it in 1:54:03.
There you go!
-And it's wet!
-And it's wet!
-There's a "W".
Okay.
That is a "W".
-Ah!
-Pleased with that?
Well, I mean considering
it was a bit damp out there.
I think that was pretty good.
Only if you'd just
kept your foot down
a little bit more
-on those last two corners,
you'd have been there.
-I know.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
-thanks very much for coming,
Philip Glenister!
-Thank you.
Now, earlier on,
the three of us
embarked on a noble quest
to build ourselves
an amphibious car each.
I'm happy to say that
after some swearing,
and a good deal
of knuckle scuffing,
we did it!
Yup! And then we were
all asked to meet up
at the Keele Services
on the M6 motorway,
where we were set a challenge.
CLARKSON: I was
the first to arrive
in my Toy-boata HiLux.
Which, as planned, still
looked and worked like a car.
Except for the welded up doors
and the outboard, obviously.
Morning.
Now, as you can see,
I lost the battle to have
two engines on the back
for three very good reasons.
One, weight.
This is 600 pounds.
And that's the same as
having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate.
Two, space.
There really isn't room
to get two side by side.
And three, cost.
13,000 quid this costs.
CLARKSON: Richard
was next to turn up.
I thought he had a Lotus!
What, in the name
of all that's holy, is that?
You said it was sleek!
Ah!
Where's he gone?
Oh, his door's...
-I love that!
-What do you think?
It's my narrow boat!
So, has it got all the...
-It's all there! Yeah!
-It's got a cooker
and everything?
Yeah, I can cook me tea!
This is my prow,
so it cuts through...
I'll be honest with you,
I've added a bit of weight.
-But it, um...
-How much weight?
Couple of tons.
Um, but it looks...
-Couple of...
-Tons.
If you look at my car
from the front...
-It's a car.
-Unaltered.
Is it gonna be fast?
40 knots.
-That's really fast.
-Really fast.
Yeah. No, no.
You will look quite good.
-To a point where...
-Obviously.
Where you're killed.
Look.
How've you kept the water
out of the vehicle?
Keep the doors shut.
Weld the doors up.
-You've welded the doors?
-Yeah.
I've welded the doors.
Now, you see, Richard.
-What?
-Well, if you...
I've done quite a lot of that.
That's foam.
-To give it buoyancy.
-No, I haven't done that.
So, you think that
left to its own devices,
a Volkswagen camper van
will float?
It's like a narrow boat
in shape.
-A narrow boat's
just a big box.
-Goodbye.
CLARKSON: We were then
interrupted by the arrival
of Dame Ellen May.
CLARKSON: It's James May!
What has he done?
-Avast, landlubbers!
-What's that?
-It's a sailing boat.
-It's not, James!
It's not a sailing boat.
It's a Triumph Herald with
a twig sticking out of it!
-HAMMOND: Yeah. It's um...
-Is this teak? No.
MAY: Yeah.
CLARKSON: No, it's not.
It's plywood with
biro marks on it.
You can mock it all you like.
It's gonna work.
Right. The one thing
you need in a sailing boat,
-I know this, is a keel.
-Yes.
-Where's your keel?
-Where's your keel?
If I put a keel on,
you'd have to cut grooves
in all the roads of Britain
so that I could drive.
-CLARKSON:
So you have no keel?
-I have no keel.
He's going to put up his sail.
The first breath of wind,
and he'll just go...
CLARKSON: But this wasn't
James' most immediate problem.
I just drove under a tree.
-Oh, God. Have you broken it?
-Yeah.
I've got to go
back up there,
and find the bit
that fell off.
CLARKSON: While James
mended his mast,
Richard and I settled down
in the damper van
for a nice cup of tea.
Lovely.
-What's that?
-It's Towpath Talk.
Is it interesting?
A lot more interesting than
watching him fix his mast.
You got more? What's this?
-Um, there's probably a...
-"Your Place in the Country."
A caravanning magazine.
What I did was
stock it with a library
that says everything
about this vehicle.
What you've got is
Camping and Caravanning
and Canals,
all in one bit of travel.
That's what it's about.
-You've got this one
as well, have you?
-Yeah.
Come on. You wouldn't be
doing this sitting on the back
of your ridiculous pick-up,
would you?
No, I wouldn't.
No, I wouldn't.
Do you know the amazing stuff
about this canal decoration?
I'm more interested in
why you bought this.
What is it?
Pair of useless, scurvy dogs.
CLARKSON: Finally,
we were ready
for our challenge.
This is the challenge,
gentlemen.
"You must drive
your amphibious cars..."
Yours isn't.
"To Rudyard Reservoir."
-Reservoir.
-A reservoir near Leek.
So we've gone from
Keele to Leek.
"And drive them all the way
across the two-mile stretch
of water."
-Two-mile stretch of...
-Two miles.
-If it's two miles,
it could be choppy.
MAY: Yeah.
Doesn't bother me,
I'm doing 40 knots.
Doesn't bother me.
I've got infinite wind power
and a very stable craft.
Mount up, gentlemen.
Oh, yeah!
-Yeah!
MAY: And we set sail!
Or set road.
MAY: It was only 20 miles
to the reservoir.
What could possibly go wrong?
Now's the time I could be
quite honest, really,
about some of the
aspects of this car.
The ride is...
Appalling.
I told Curtis,
"Don't weld
the suspension up!"
So, he hasn't.
He's just fitted
solid shock-absorbers.
HAMMOND: I had other issues.
When it was new,
it had 70 horsepower,
there or thereabouts.
Let's assume
it's now got about 40.
With the additions I've made,
this now weighs
two and a half tons!
This is the slowest thing
in the world!
But not as slow as James.
MAY: There we are in top gear,
35 miles an hour.
I'm sorry.
I don't have time for this!
That's 50.
CLARKSON: In the
traditional spirit of
Top Gear comradeship,
we left James behind.
Jeremy appears to be having
quite a bouncy ride.
HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
my lack of power really was
becoming a problem.
Help!
I'm trying to get up a hill!
I just went under a very low
telephone cable there.
So, I suspect that James
could easily plunge
the whole of Stoke-On-Trent
into the Middle Ages!
CLARKSON: To miss
overhead obstacles,
James had lowered his mast.
But this was cheating,
and soon, he was punished
with engine failure.
MAY: The other problem is...
I can't actually
open the bonnet
because I've had to seal it
in an attempt to keep it
floating without the nose
going down.
I didn't tell the others this
'cause I didn't want them
to mock me.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
back at the convoy.
-No!
-Not now.
HAMMOND: Wait!
I've died. I've died.
-Goodbye.
-No! Come on!
CLARKSON: They've failed.
Frankly.
Maybe their cars
will work on water.
But we'll never know 'cause
they'll never get there.
HAMMOND: I managed
to get it going again,
but not for long.
Engine's stalled.
No brakes. Limited steering.
I'm gonna have to ditch it.
Oh. I think we've overheated.
We've lost oil.
Water.
Diesel.
Blood, pus, the lot really.
HAMMOND: James,
rather thoughtfully,
chose to have
his second breakdown
right next to me.
What is it, me hearty?
Engine issues.
-Yes.
-That's the front.
The radiator is sort of there,
but then it goes
down a bit further.
Then, there's the grills.
-I'm beginning to understand.
-Then what we've done is...
-There's no cooling at all.
-Blocked it up.
So I've made these
buoyancy aids
that are around here
made out of this foam,
but I've also done it
under the front
and I think it's blocked
the radiator.
Right, we've both done
the same thing
because we're stupid.
MAY: So, we each
had a cup of tea
and waited for
the engines to cool.
HAMMOND: Soon, the damper van
was as good as new.
It's fine! It's fine!
Yeah!
CLARKSON: James had been told
to put his mast back up,
and was running well, too.
And so,
in Newcastle-Under-Lyme,
our convoy regrouped.
Oh, God.
I can't smell my own car
overheating because of that.
Oh, trees!
James, watch out
for the trees.
Trees, trees!
Trees! James, trees!
Uh-oh, trees.
CLARKSON: Then,
the inevitable happened.
Where's May?
HAMMOND: James, you've just
gone the wrong way.
CLARKSON: Then,
more inevitable happened.
Hammond, you've got
big smoke coming.
No, no. Stop.
Never mind.
Things could be worse.
Oh, cock.
Oh, no.
And I've stalled
and I've overheated.
Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile...
One person
breaks the speed limit
and we've got the best shot.
-Come on!
-This could take days.
They're a very
law-abiding bunch.
They are! I've never seen
anyone drive so slowly.
All doing 29.
CLARKSON: Eventually,
we were back on the road
and in the Peak District.
That's "Peak" as in hills.
And hills were
a big problem
for Hammond.
The really embarrassing
thing is,
it's slightly faster
like this.
The gloating will be endless.
Wonder how James is doing?
Well, this is more like it.
Performance has
improved dramatically.
I'm really bowling along.
CLARKSON: Finally,
Hammond and I
arrived at the reservoir.
Now, While we're waiting
for James,
I should explain it's March.
It's the coldest March
for 20 years
because of global warming.
And that means the water
into which
we shall be driving is...
-Well, how would you...
-Let me tell you.
-Ah!
CLARKSON: The big question was
which would arrive first?
Summer or James May?
CLARKSON: Where is he?
HAMMOND: I dunno.
I mean, he's gotta show up
at some time.
HAMMOND:
I can only just see the mast!
-Just the mast!
CLARKSON: Look at it.
Have you had a few problems?
No. I just had to make
a bit of a detour.
Low bridge. You know?
Mast.
Where's he going?
Watch this.
Brace! Brace!
It works!
That is really annoying.
I've got a rudder.
MAY: It did indeed work,
for a few moments.
But before I could hoist
my sails,
I drifted into some weeds
and got stuck.
CLARKSON: Then it was my turn.
Life jacket.
I was grateful when I saw
the water line
I'd insisted on only
having one engine.
Can you give me a tow
before you sink?
No, I can't give you a tow.
I'm leaking!
HAMMOND: I, however,
was about to launch
into a world of issues.
I've bolted my propeller
to the flywheel.
MAY: There he goes.
HAMMOND: And as I drove in,
it hit the ramp.
And broke.
So I was in the water
with no drive,
but that was the least
of my problems.
Oh, no! It's sinking!
Um...
Yeah, mine hasn't worked.
MAY: Can you come
and give us a tow?
HAMMOND: No, mate!
My engine doesn't work!
Those incompetent
co-presenters I have.
CLARKSON: With James
still in the weeds,
and Hammond going down fast,
I opened the taps
on my outboard
and went for a test drive.
Oh, yeah. This is nice.
Manoeuvrable, comfortable.
It just works.
Did you want tea or coffee?
MAY: Tea, please, mate.
It works, but really,
this is top speed.
That's annoying.
CLARKSON: Richard wasn't
going anywhere
unless he found some power.
-I've got a spare outboard.
-HAMMOND: You are joking!
I have.
How much would you give me?
A million pounds.
-A million?
-And a leg.
Take your pick, either leg.
Oh, yes! Now, what do I do?
Oh, God.
CLARKSON: So could he get
the engine on and working
before his damper van sank?
How do I start it?
Could he make it
to the other side of the lake?
MAN: Pull!
Please!
Could James?
By this stage,
he'd got his sails up.
He was out of the weeds
and under way!
Just...
MAY: Ow!
Mind you, he was going
faster than Hammond.
Yes!
It's moving! I'm moving!
It's a boat!
Rolling.
CLARKSON:
Finally, we were off!
Two miles.
Frankly, I've won this.
Come on, baby!
MAY: Come on, wind!
CLARKSON: Sadly, my exuberance
with the throttle
was causing
problems for the Toy-boata.
No, no, no!
I've got a massive bow wave
at the front!
But Hammond had bigger ones.
No! No!
No!
Ah!
Yes!
Come on, baby!
This is the moment.
Look, it's a Titanic moment!
Look.
It's going!
It's going!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
CLARKSON: Hammond, how much?
-For what?
-A lift.
I'll give you a million quid,
or this bucket.
What do we think, viewers?
Oh, come on! I'm going down!
-Where's May?
-I don't know!
What do you think
I'm worried about right now?
I'm aboard.
Now, get in there
and get bailing!
Oh, right.
-I've come up with a problem.
-What?
You.
You owe me a million pounds!
CLARKSON: While I was on
my perilous rescue mission,
James had powered ahead.
MAY: I need more wind.
Here we go!
My toy submarine is off!
That's full power.
It's working.
It's not working.
HAMMOND: No.
It's slow but certain,
and I'm not sinking.
HAMMOND: Even though we were
racing someone travelling
at the slowest speed
ever recorded by man...
Oh, come on!
Jeremy still insisted
on going at full tilt.
Up! Up!
Rise!
Rise, Toy-boata!
-Ah!
-It's coming over the side!
And boats don't do
emergency stops.
HAMMOND: Ah! Jeremy!
We're going in!
Relax!
CLARKSON: Our bailing session
meant the tortoise
was catching up.
I can see the finish line.
It's about, I dunno,
a couple of hundred
yards away.
Or about
four and a half hours.
CLARKSON: So this was it,
the final assault.
CLARKSON: Coming in hot.
We're nearly there.
Come on, you bitch.
I'm gonna make it!
I just had to turn 'round
the pontoon and park,
but I turned
too hard and too fast.
CLARKSON: That was a mistake.
HAMMOND: You make have just
overcooked it.
-Richard.
Richard!
It's going over!
That's pretty cold!
CLARKSON: That's pretty
bloody cold.
I can't believe it!
Two miles, and it goes now!
No!
No!
No!
HMS Clarkson has capsized
by the sounds of things.
That is fantastic.
Ah, yeah.
Well, it was a good idea.
It had only one major flaw.
What?
I think I may have won
my second Top Gear event.
I simply...
Step off.
If he drives out of the water,
I'm gonna kill myself.
Eh?
-Yeah.
-Fair enough.
MAY: Is that your car?
CLARKSON: Yes.
It's the wrong way up.
Don't give me technicalities!
Would you agree I made it
to the pontoon?
No.
Watch this for
a perfect about.
We'll give you a hand.
-That's annoying!
-HAMMOND: That is irritating!
That's annoying.
Can you do it?
MAY: The clutch has gone.
-HAMMOND: The clutch has gone?
-Oh, he's failed!
No, I haven't failed.
-You have!
-No, I'm out!
-You're not out!
-I'm on the slipway!
Can I just say, chaps?
One observation I would have,
sailing...
-Really boring!
CLARKSON:
My favourite thing...
My favourite thing.
Did you see as he was trying
to get off the Toyota,
he grabbed the back wheel,
like that.
You'd have thought,
as a hamster,
he'd know a wheel
would get him nowhere.
What gets me is I'm 36,
I've never sunk in my life.
And then, in one day,
I sank twice.
But that does
kind of answer the question,
doesn't it?
How hard can it be to make
an amphibious vehicle?
Very, very hard indeed.
Well, hang on a minute.
I thought I did rather well.
HAMMOND: Well...
MAY: Hmm.
Not quite as well
as me, though.
No, I'm sorry, James,
I'm sorry.
The idea was to build
an amphibious car.
Land and water.
On the road, you overheated,
it was confused by bridges
and trees,
and you had to get
a lift on a tow truck,
and then when we got
to the reservoir,
I rescued the hamster twice,
-and still made it
to the other side before you.
-Ah.
I knew you'd bring that up,
but nowhere
in that challenge
did it say it was a race.
And, let's be honest,
when you got to the pontoon,
you were the wrong way up.
-And...
If you booked a holiday
on a cruise ship
and it came into harbour
upside-down,
you'd want your money back,
I think.
HAMMOND: He has a point there.
He does have a point.
It is a fair point.
Okay, now...
The challenge was to see
if we could capture
the public's imagination.
So, I'll tell you
what we'll do.
We'll have a vote...
Who thinks
which one of us did best?
Right?
So,
in the interest of fairness,
who thinks Richard's
damper van was best?
-Hands up!
-I do, okay, just me.
CLARKSON: That's uh...
All right! It's just me!
Move on!
All those who think that
my Toy-boata was best.
That's a smattering of hands.
And all those who think
James's Herald yacht was best.
-All right!
Thank you!
It's a fair victory.
It's a fair victory.
It's not like I'm a sore loser
or anything.
It's just that for going
home tonight,
James won't be
using the Herald,
because the clutch is gone.
Richard won't be using that,
because it was ruined
in the accident.
Whereas because I bought
a HiLux, and as we know
from here,
they are indestructible,
-I shall be driving this home.
-MAY: Yes, all right.
Yes, thank you all
very much
for watching.
-Um, it's been, um...
You have broken
the indestructible car!
It's not working.
No, it's not gonna work!
And on that bombshell,
it's time to end the show.
Thanks very much for watching!
Good night!
HAMMOND: It's going over!
CLARKSON: That's pretty cold.