Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - Hammond Races a Jet-Powered Kayak - full transcript

CLARKSON : Tonight,
I ruin the tranquillity
of the Yorkshire Dales.

Richard ruins Iceland.

Ya!

-And we all ruin
a local radio station.

Hello and welcome!

Now, whenever I'm presented
with a group of Corvettes
like this,

I always think I'm looking
at a boy band.

They're very good looking,
they're cheap and they
make a nice noise

in a sort of middle-
of-the-road-type way.

But behind the scenes,
they're, all of them,

almost completely talentless
and a bit flimsy.



Look at that.

Now, though,
there's a new Corvette
which has left the band

and wants to
be taken seriously.

CLARKSON: Here it is.
It's called the ZO6

and there's no getting away
from the fact that
it is very, very fast.

And, um, properly loud.

Like all Corvettes,
it has a V-8 engine,

but it's not the 5.7 that
we've become used to.

Oh, no, this has 7 litres.

It's the most powerful engine
ever made by General Motors.

It turns out
500-brake horsepower

and so much torque
that I reckon it could
probably outrun

the fuel that powers it.

Let's find out
with a quarter mile
drag race between the car



and a trail of petrol.

And if you think
that's amazing, watch this.

What I'm going to do is put
it into fifth gear, okay?

Fifth.

Stationary. And here we go.

Bit of a judder.

And we're off, 30 mph.

40.

50.

I once did this
with a V-12 Aston Martin.

That started in fourth
and went to 135 mph.
Let's see what this can do.

That's 100 already.
Haven't changed gear.

120. We're in the
torque band now.

Really shifting.

Coming up to 150.

And that's 160.

And I'm out of runway.

In actual fact,
this would go from
a standstill to 175mph

in one gear!

So a fairly phenomenal engine.

But then it doesn't
really have much weight
to lug around.

That's because its bumpers
are made from carbon fibre.

The cradle the engine sits in
is made from magnesium,

and the whole space frame
is made from "aluminum,"
whatever that is.

What's more, they've even
sacrificed some of
the boy band looks

in the relentless quest
to be taken seriously.

There are flaps in front of
the front wheels to improve
downforce and reduce drag.

There's a bigger mouth
to improve cooling.

And in the exhausts, there are
butterfly valves to give
a better vocal range.

Then there's the engine,
which is not only
bigger than usual,

but mounted lower down
and further back.

The results of all this
are dramatic.

Not the most
sophisticated handling
car in the world,

but there's so much
brute force,
it just doesn't matter.

You just use the right foot
to get you out of trouble.

Jab of throttle.
There we go.
There it is.

Whoa!

I am a child!

Already I've converted most of
the rear tyres into smoke.

There's a bit more gone.

And it's so controllable,
you even have time
halfway through a bend

to check out your G metre
on the head-up display.

That was 1.2 G through there.

This car really is
like Robbie Williams.

Who could have
guessed that behind
the Take That nonsense

there was a proper musician
trying to get out?

They say that it can lap
the Nurburgring in
7 minutes and 43 seconds.

Now, that is
an astonishing time.
It really is.

It doesn't feel at all
like an American car

until you turn the sat nav on.

It' got a sort of
voice thing on it, okay.
I'm going to push it. Ready?

SAT NAV:
System is showing
the fast food icons.

The first thing it goes to,
the default setting,
fast food!

How American is that?

It can't find London,
can't find France, but it will
find you a burger!

Chinese.

SAT NAV: System is showing
the Chinese restaurant icons.

I've got a good one for it.

Iraqi restaurants.

Well, that shut her up.

The best thing about this car,
however, is its price.

You see, the ZO6 is £60,000

and the Ferrari 575 here
is £160,000.

And if a Martian came
to Earth, he would have
the devil's own job

explaining why.

They both look
pretty much the same.

They're both front-engined.

They're both about
the same size and both develop
500-brake horsepower.

Both can top 190mph

and both can get from
0-60 in under four seconds.

So why is there
a £100,000 price gap?

Well, you know what?
After a whole day
at the track,

I couldn't work it out at all.

HAMMOND: Heck of a thing.
CLARKSON: Yeah.

So the question has to be,
have you worked it out yet?

Yes, I have.

The Ferrari costs that much
because it works on the track
and it works on the road.

-This only works on a track.
-So, you can't use it on
the road?

No, you can use it on
the road, legally, you just
wouldn't want to.

-Why?
-I'm not joking,
driving it home

after filming that, I made
a list of all the things that
are wrong with it. Okay?

-You have! Crikey!
-No, I really have.

The drive line is shugged.

You know, when you put
your foot down, it feels
like you're in an accordion.

-Back's come off!

The radio's rubbish.

Low revs, the engine.
Honestly, it sounds like it's
been fuelled with spanners.

The tyre roar is deafening.
You can't hear anything.

It's too wide.
The steering wheel's on the
wrong side. Trim is woeful.

The ride could
break your back every time
you run over anything.

The gearbox feels like it
came from a tractor.

All right, can I just say,
we've got the message there.

I'm not joking.
No, I'm not joking.

As something to live with
every day, I would
rather have bird flu.

-I would.

All right. Well, we must now
send it back to its natural

territory, of course,
the track, to see
how it does.

Absolutely, and that means,
of course, handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say he has
a digital face,

and that if he felt like it,
he could fire Alan Sugar.

All we know is
he is called the Stig.

CLARKSON: And he's off!

Rocks off, wheel spin
of the line there,

that's not
a particularly fast start
as a result.

Okay, coming down to the
-first corner, piling it in!

Quite a bit of tyre squeal,
bone-dry track.

But actually, look,
very little drama.

MALE VOICE:
A piece of that cheese.

CLARKSON: Stig, of course,
still learning Italian.

Here he comes
out of Chicago.

A little wiggle of the hips
on the way out.

No real fuss,
no drama again.
Into Hammerhead.

Perhaps things
will get lively here.
Will it wash wide? No.

Tail's coming out a fraction,
but the Stig holds it there
to the millimetre.

MALE VOICE: We want
to visit Pompeii.

Of course,
the Stig can already talk
the language of animals.

Only this morning he was
chatting to Top Gear dog.

Funnily enough,
they also share a water bowl.

Look at that, seven litres
of American friendly fire.

Here he comes into the second
to last corner, turns in hard,
a little bit of correction.

Into Gambon,
this is a tricky one,

flicking it a bit sideways.
And across the line.

I very much doubt...
Hang on.

I doubt very much
any of you will believe this.

He did it in 1:22.4.

Now that, look...
That is...

Here's the Ferrari 575
right down there, 1:26.8.

It's up...
It's quicker than a Zonda.

It's quicker
than a Ferrari 430.
That is an astonishing car.

However,
I do maintain

if you are planning
on using it on a road,

you are better off
with a normal one.

Well, Jeremy not
terribly up-to-date with his
Ferrari knowledge there.

In fact, the 575 has
gone out of production

and it's been
replaced by this,

the 599 GTB Fiorano.

That's got a 6-litre V12.
It's going to do 200mph

and it will
cost you £160,000.

-So it's still 100 more
than the Corvette.
-Still 100 more.

I can't believe it.

I'm just stunned
by that Corvette.

'Cause I don't think
that will be any faster.

But I can't wait to
drive it, that said.
Oof, can't wait.

Anyway now, listen,
if you're organising
a hen night, okay,

obviously, the most
important thing that
you need to remember

is something to vomit into.

-Yes!
-This is usually
called a limo.

-Now, we heard
the other day...

We heard the other day
of a chap who's now renting
out a new kind of limo.

-We've got a picture
of it here. Yes, it's a tank!
-MAY: Oh, crikey!

HAMMOND: That is a tank!
CLARKSON: It is a tank.

He's put little windows
in it for something for you
to hold your breasts up to.

-Oh, Jeremy!
-Well, that's what happens.
I've seen it.

If you look inside,
it's got loads of seats,

all of which,
there you go,
all wipe down.

This is quite expensive.
I have to warn you.

One night, £5,000.

-How much?
-£5,000.

Plus the cost of actually
getting it to Newcastle.

-So...

-It is a pricey evening.
-It is.

And now, have a look at this,
this is an electronic device.

It's called the quick start.
It costs £9.99.

You stick it in
your cigarette lighter when
you're driving in France,

and when you turn the car
on in the morning,

its little electronic
voice reminds you
to drive on the right.

That might be useful
if you're a bit thick.

Sounds like a good idea.
Actually, it's a complete
waste of £9.99.

When you get up in the morning
all your luggage has been
stolen from the boot

and your car's just a burnt
out shell, you'll know
you're in France anyway.

True, you don't need it.

-It's a fair point.
-That is a fair point.

Hey. You know
the police have got no way
of testing drivers for drugs?

Now, you might think,
"So? It's not
a very big problem.

"There's only so many
Pete Dohertys
driving around."

Well, a study
has shown this week

that at any one time,
20% of young drivers
on the road

are under the influence
of drugs.

-20%?
-One in five!

It's a staggering statistic.

There's one.

How did you get here today?

-What? You flew?
-MAN: Peugeot 306.

Poseidon's brought him.

A Peugeot 306 space ship.

The thing is, as a result
of this problem, the police
have had to introduce

special tests for drugs.

What tests?

I don't know, it didn't say.
I'm imagining it's things
like they wander up,

tap on the window and say,
"Would sir like a Jaffa cake,
feeling peckish?"

That works for cannabis.
It's not gonna work
for cocaine, though, is it?

-Oh, right!
-That's gonna have to be,

"Why don't you tell us
a little about yourself?"

"Well, I will, actually,
since you mention it.

-"I was born in 1960..."
-They'd have to vary it.

Ecstasy would be easy,
because they'd just say,
"Roll down the window.

"Now sir, do you love me?
Do you want a big hug?
Come on."

-Do you love me?

You see?

Don't let him drive home!
Take him away!

Don't let him drive home!

-You see?

It worked.

To test for speed,
they'd have to give
the driver a hoover.

Eh?

You know, when
you're at a big party,

at the end of it,
everybody is asleep.

The bloke who's on speed
is always hoovering.

-What?
-The rock 'n' roll years
with James May!

-It's true.
-You can just
imagine the hotel.

"Oh, I hope Mr May
hasn't trashed his bedroom.
Ooh, it's immaculate!"

-Let's get it back
to cars, okay?
-Well, why not?

Or nearly.
There's a new truck, okay,
coming in from America.

Here it is.
It'll be on sale
in Britain in July.

It's called the Dodge Caliber.
Right-hand drive.

Do you want to know
how much that is?
11,500 quid.

-Is that all?
-Yeah, 11,500 quid.

-That is, what, six times less
than a Range Rover.
-How have they done that?

-Well, it's six times smaller
than a Range Rover.
-Is it?

Yeah, I'm not joking.
It is actually
the size of a Golf.

It's a 1.8, two-wheel drive,
family hatchback.

Designed to look like that.
They're actually
in trouble in America

because they've been
advertising and they've dubbed
the V8 soundtrack over the ad.

-To make it look bigger.
-Yeah they've gone,
"Look at this!" and it's tiny.

-It's like me, that car...
-No it's not.

It is because people
think it's further away
than it really is.

-I get it all the time.

People come up
to shake my hand and
stick their finger in my eye

and go, "Oh, I thought
you were over there!
And you're here."

No, that's absolutely right,

'cause I'm often
talking to someone
about what a cock he is

thinking he's right
over the other side
of the room.

-And I'm here.
-And he turns out to be
standing right next to me.

The things I hear like that!

-That is the world's
most pointless car.
-Good, well, we sorted that.

-The end.
-Now look at this,
there's a bloke...

Stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR,
which is one of the fastest
cars in the world.

-Yeah.
-We're agreed. It's right at
the top of our board.

But it was fitted with one of
those tracker devices so
the police could trace it.

They caught him after
40 minutes. Do you know how
far he'd gone in that time?

-Twelve miles!

-What was he doing?
-That's the least ambitious
thief in the world!

It's an average
speed of 18mph.

-Why did he nick it?

I don't know, but I would like
to appeal to him if he's been
let out by the Home Secretary,

-which he almost
certainly has been.

Very good!

Very good.

If you'd like to steal
a motor vehicle and travel
around the place at 18 mph,

could you please
nick my Honda 90?
Thanks.

Now, I am forever being
stopped by people saying,

"I'd love to go
to work in a canoe."

-Oh, God, that happens
to me all the time as well.
-It's annoying.

But, they say, "The thing is,
compared to a car,
they're just so boring.

"Can you help?"

Well, funnily enough, yes.

HAMMOND: Yes,
canoeing really is
a tedious pastime.

And after some
exhaustive research,
I think I've worked out why.

This is a canoe, or kayak,
to be precise.

And it's rubbish because it
doesn't have an engine.

But where there's a will...

There's always a way.

This is the world's first
engine-powered canoe.

It took two and a half
years to make

and it's got
a jet at the back,

powered by the
world's flattest
two-stroke motor,

which sits here,
right where your bottom goes.

So where ordinary canoes
can be overtaken by ducks,

this one blasts
across the water like
a jet-propelled eel.

This amazing machine is the
brainchild of Shaun Baker,

nine times British Whitewater
Freestyle Champion.

Now, obviously we wanted to
find out if this jet-propelled
canoe/bi-yak is any good,

which is why we've
come here to Iceland.

In fact, we've come to one of
the most incredible parts of

an already generally
amazing country,
the ice lake.

It's formed where
a giant glacier meets a lagoon
and then breaks apart

to form a sea of, well,
massive ice cubes.

So we're gonna have
a race, starting at
one end of the lake

and running roughly
two miles to the
finish line at the bridge

where the lake
meets the sea.

I shall be using the roads
along the edge.

Now, those roads are
very tough and Icelandic.

So, I need a vehicle that's
very tough and Icelandic.

It's called a Tomcat,

and it's what happens
when you take
British engineering

and garnish it with
Icelandic levels of lunacy.

It's got plastic body panels
for super lightness,

a four-litre TVR V8
for super power,

and a Range Rover chassis
for super strength.

Put all that together
and you've got a
one-and-a-half-tonne 4X4

that can outrun
a Subaru Impreza rally car.

So, Shaun,
talk to me about danger.

I'm presuming
there's quite a lot of it.

Well, when we're bombing
around, the wake from the back
of the boat's snapping off

little bits of ice. That
starts to float in the water,
and if that gets sucked up

in through the intake grate
on the bottom of the boat
and jams into the prop,

it's just going to cut
the engine out, and of course,
it doesn't float,

-which isn't good.
-That's...

-And this isn't gonna help.
-No. I'm going down.

So, really,
the biggest danger facing
the jet-propelled kayaker

-is ice?
-Is ice.

HAMMOND:
As I sat at the start,
I still didn't quite believe

that a jet-powered kayak
would work.

It did.

It's a bad start.
I'm away now.

The car is sashaying around,
it's like a fine layer of
stones on volcanic ash

which is very interesting
on a geography field trip,

but bloody scary to drive on.

I've had to come such
a long way from the lake now

to find a path.

He's got to go
so much less distance than me.

Shaun has his problems, too.

He's negotiating a maze
of floating ice in search
of open water.

But the ice is
constantly shifting
and blocking his path.

Basically, if there's ice,
he's had it.

I hope there's ice.

Ooh! That hurt!

Come on!

Surely Shaun must be tiring.

His buttocks have been
roasted by the engine,
and the constant

course adjustments
are straining his arms.

I'm right back down
by the water again.

Come on!

I don't know where he is.
I don't know where he is.

He's there!

Come on, then, canoe boy!

How fast does that thing go?

Come on!

I can't lose this!

This is it! This is it!
This is the bridge.

Have I won?

No!

I don't believe that!

See ya!

Where's an iceberg
when you need one?

Honestly!

Yeah.

Very important message there.

Somewhere. Anyway,
it's now time to move on
and put a star in our

brand new
Reasonably Priced Car.

Our guest this week,
like everyone
on TV these days,

is a chef.

But this one is
also a professional
swearing enthusiast.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Gordon Ramsay!

Me old mate! How are you?

-Very well. How are you?
-Good to see you.
Have a seat.

Thank you. Hello.

-He's here!
-Thank you.

He's here.
Since you were last on,

you've opened
another 62,000 restaurants

and begun
another 42 TV shows.

-Are you in fact
the world's busiest man?

Um, quite possibly, yeah.
I mean, it's been
a great year.

I have to say
it's down to the team,

'cause we've just got
the most amazing...

It's not a BAFTA
acceptance speech.
Do you mind?

I've actually recently tried
cooking with Gordon for one
of your many TV shows.

-Yes.
-Just a small tip,
easy on the garlic.

Excuse me. I don't want
to spoil the show,
but it was too much.

I know, but you spat it out.
You should've swallowed.

It was a garlic mayonnaise.

It was a really nice, rich,
saffron, creamy aioli. Say it.

-Ari... You see that's the bit
round the outside of a nipple.
-No!

I thought you said
he's going to make...

Oh, I don't want that!
With garlic on. Ooh!

I was disappointed
in your skills,

disappointed with
your chipolata fingers,

how clumsy you were,
in the kitchen, and how lazy
you were, okay?

Yes.

So, don't change your job.

I'm sorry. When people say,
"Jeremy, can you drive us?"

If I get invited,
I always drive.

If I invite you over for
the weekend, I expect
you to do the cooking.

-You got an OBE
recently, didn't you?
-Yes.

-Was it for services
to swearing or...

I think so!

Going up to Holyrood
in July to pick up...

What is it,
a medal now?

You're going to Hollywood
to get an OBE?

No, Holyrood!

-Oh, Holyrood!
-The Scottish palace.

You said you were
going to Hollywood.
What's the point, wrong place!

You know what you're going
to get to eat there,
don't you?

Yes, some sort of dehydrated
devil on horse-back

that got done dipped
in aspic three years ago.

Ooh, it'll be
worse than that.

Because those canapes are
all made in industrial estates

-in Bolton, aren't they?
-Yeah.

And the people who make them,
I always think,
"They don't like me."

I mean, they don't like
anyone who's going to be
eating food like this.

So how many bodily fluids...

A friend of mine
used to work in a kitchen
and he once...

How can I put this?
Wiped his bottom on a steak.

No, he's now a food critic.

-You've run the marathon
again this year.
-Yeah.

-How many times?
-Seventh one now.

-Seventh?
-Seventh.

And I suppose 'cause
we're in the kitchen
all day long, we graze,

so we constantly eat, and
it's not good for sort of...

Like you put weight on easily.
I can put a stone on quite
easily in a period of sort of,

8 or 9 days, so...

-What time did you do?
-3:45.

-Is that good?

-You've never run a marathon?
-Run a marathon!

-I'd run it in 26 years!

In terms of 15.5 stone,
it's not bad, but I had a bit
of a scare at the beginning,

because I got to
the start line, and I could
hear this chirping

and screaming in my ear.
It was Jade Goody.

And when she started
talking about her training
and she was saying,

"Well I've had lots
of Chinese, lots of Indians,
and I've ran six kilometres."

I said, "But it's not 26k,
sweetheart, it's 26 mile."

"So what's that in k, then?"
"Yeah, it's 42!"

-So, she had no idea
what a mile was?
-No. No.

Well, if you think,
elephants can migrate
right across Africa,

so maybe, you know,
she was in with a shout.

-Now, listen.
Let's talk about cars.
-Yes.

Where are you,
you haven't still got that
rubbish Bentley, have you?

It was great
on a straight line, but
it couldn't go around corners,

and I was driving to work
one morning, and this
sort of bright

blue Bentley pulled up
alongside me.

And then this lady stared
knocking on the window.

And I turned around,
and it was Jordan
in her Bentley,

so great excuse to get rid
of the car.

-So, the Bentley's gone.
-The Bentley's gone.

-Replaced with a...
-A Range Rover.

-Range Rover?
-Yeah, the super-sport.

Really nice, fast,
smooth and, yeah, really good.

Didn't you have a 430 Ferrari?

-I've still got that, yes.
-Oh, you forgot that!

No, no. That's a bit of
a treat on a Sunday, maybe.

Yeah, that's on the...
That's a cool car.

I mean, it's not a very
good looking car,

but, my God,
it's a beautiful thing
to drive.

It's almost like having
a posh go-kart, you know,
because you feel slightly

battered and bruised after
two hours of being in there.

Yeah, I'm just slightly
worried about those speed
cameras now because...

Well, you've got
an interesting way
of dealing with them.

-Yeah.
-Have you heard about this?

-Bit of a...
-You'll like this.

Bit of a chef's secret,
really.

Down at the Embankment,
as you know, there's a line,

-Vauxhall Bridge,
there's, you know...
-Yeah.

...six or seven cameras.

So the secret thing to do
is get a catering pack
of cling film

and about half past two in
the morning when there's
hardly any traffic on the road

just pull over,
jump onside and just wrap
the thing in cling film,

so when it flashes,
it sort of smudges
the number plate.

And it doesn't look sabotaged.
But I tell you, it does
work!

-You could just howl past
and it's all just a blur?
-Just a blur!

And when they're looking
for them to identify which
one's been sabotaged

or spray painted or
covered in Tipp-Ex,
there's cling film.

But make sure there's
no air bubbles in there!

That's a brilliant idea.

Let's abandon the show,
and get on out there.

My favourite is a Dutch trick.
You know there's
a tiny little hole,

top right-hand corner.
They spray that quick

-expanding builder's
foam in them.
-Oh, really?

And it just bursts
out of everywhere
and it's really ruined.

Don't do that!

Or that!

Anyway, the lap.
The new rules, as you know.
No more coming down here

and spending all day
going round and we find
your fastest lap.

Now, very straightforward.

You get five practise laps,
then we time your sixth, okay?

Who would like to see
Gordon's third practise lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

If there are any children
watching, fingers in your
ears. Here we go.

Keep that foot
down!

Don't brake ,
don't brake ,
don't brake ...

This is just swearing!

I have never heard
language like that.

The car was blue
on the outside.

You made it blue
on the inside!

Sorry! Sorry!

They've given me
this scrap of paper.
Your practice times...

1:49.9, 1:49.5,
1:49.5, 1:48.6.

You're getting
quicker and quicker.

1:48.6 would have
put you there,

below Justin Hawkins.

Damn!

But then, it was time
to do your timed lap,
the one that counts. Okay?

Are we ready?
Shall we see it?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-Okay, here we go.

Good start.

concentrate!

Straight away!

I prefer this to the Liana.

It's easier to drive.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Aggressive!

Oh, that is wide
through there!

Don't you dare lift off.
Don't you dare
lift off! Hand brake!

And fourth!

You did keep your
foot down, didn't you?

Yeah, I definitely kept
my foot down there.

This is the hard one.

Ooh, beautifully done.

That's where you go
a bit wide! A bit wide!

But there we go,
across the line, everybody!

Oh.

We've got your time here.

You're a competitive soul,
aren't you?

I am, yeah. It's you.

-So I know it matters.
-Okay.

1...

Remember, you've
got 1:47 to beat, okay.

Trevor Eve to beat. 1...

40...

-6.3!
-Yes!

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Gordon Ramsay!
-Thank you, mate.

-Fastest man in the new
Reasonably Priced Car!
-Excellent.

Thank you.

Lovely! 1:46!

Remarkable.

Okay, now...

Earlier on in the year,
in the Top Gear
Winter Olympics Special,

we discovered
that the new Jaguar XK

is not particularly good
at being an ice skater.

Now, that might put you off,
but hang on.

Because now,
we're gonna find out
what it's like at being a car.

CLARKSON: So, we must
leave the misery and
congestion of England

and go to where
the air is pure

and the landscape
is tall and lustrous.

God was probably
very proud of Yorkshire
when he'd finished it.

But at a stroke, his efforts
have been made to look lumpen

and amateurish by this.

Jaguar's new XK.

Some people have criticised
it for looking too like
an Aston Martin.

Are they mad?

That's like criticising
a bloke for looking
too like Brad Pitt!

CLARKSON: The fact
of the matter is this.

From just about every angle,
this is an impossibly
pretty car.

You see it,
you want it.
And then...

-You hear it!

When you're cruising
along, it's no noisier
than a mountain.

-But when you put
your foot down...

Its arse just
goes volcanic!

If you have one
of these, you're gonna spend
half the day flooring it.

And half the day
ogling it.

Anyone got an easel?

I could just spend
a couple of days
painting that.

Obviously, we'll lose the
rubbish background there,
just concentrate on the car.

CLARKSON: This means,
unfortunately,

there won't be much time
left over for driving it,
and that's a pity.

You know, just from
looking at the dashboard,

that this isn't going to feel
like an old-fashioned Jaguar.

All that dark,
heavy 1930s sideboard
wood has gone!

Gone!

And in its place,
you've got this modern,

crisp, sort of
espresso look.

And that's what the XK
feels like to drive.

It feels nimble and quick,
and agile!

It feels like a sports car!

It feels delicate,
it feels light!

Oh.

There's a very
good reason for this.
It is light!

I have pets
which weigh more.

Because it's so light,
it's fast.

And it brakes well,
and it steers well!

Last time I had this much fun,
some furniture got broken!

Yes!

So there we are.

The convertible
I've been driving
is £64,000

and the hard-top
coupe is £59,000.

You want one, don't you?
And you're not bothered which.

You're probably looking at
your children now, thinking,

"How much would I get
if I sold them for
medical experiments?"

But hang on a minute,
because there's a problem,

which is to be found,
weirdly, in here.

CLARKSON: Jaguar is
in the middle of
a deep financial crisis.

And it's owned by Ford,

which is in the middle
of an even deeper
financial crisis.

And in places,
this shows.

The aerial, for instance,
looks like it came from
a 1981 Ford Cortina.

The 4.2-litre V8 engine is
pretty much exactly the same

as the 4.2-litre V8 engine
you got in the old XK.

And inside, there's not
a single gadget that's new
and amazing.

Further evidence that
the XK was designed on a
shoestring in a bit of a hurry

comes when
you push past 130 or so.

At very high speeds,
you can feel the front of
the car starting to lift,

the steering going light.

It's not the end
of the world in here

until you find out
what's causing it.

CLARKSON: Strangely,
it's the game of golf.

Let me explain.

The sort of people who
buy cars of this type
are usually golfists.

And they want a boot
that's big enough
for their bats.

Now that is no
problem in the XK.
They fit like a dream.

But to make the boot
big enough, they had to
fit a small rear window,

because if they had put
a bigger one in, it would have
taken up too much space

when the roof
is folded down.

That's fine, but then,
riding into the equation
comes the EU,

who say that
the centre rear brake light

must be fitted
within a certain height
of the window,

and because
the window's so small,

it has to be put on
this tall rear spoiler,

which pushes the back
of the car down when
you're going quickly,

and lifts the front up.
So there you are, golf.

CLARKSON: Of course,
you could blame
the EU for this,

but the Germans have
the same rules and they
manage all right.

And speaking of which,
here they come.

A Mercedes SL and a BMW 650.

Neither of these cars lift
when they go faster than 130.

Neither has
a Ford Cortina aerial.

What's more, the Mercedes
comes with its "look at me"
party-piece roof.

And a brand-new engine.

And then, there's the BMW.

This doesn't have an engine.

What it has instead
is a nuclear bomb
under the bonnet.

In the Jag,
you got 300 horse power.

In this, you get 367!

And that makes a difference.

Much faster than the Jag!

And not only is the BMW
quicker than the Jaguar,

it's noticeably
cheaper as well.

So, once again,
it looks like the Germans

have beaten the plucky Brit.

Or have they?

You see,
the Mercedes works well

if it's got a big supercharged
V8 and lots of power,

but all you get for
the same sort of money
as the Jaguar is the 350,

and that has
a top speed of four.

Then there's the BMW.

Yes, it is very fast,
and yes, it is
very well-priced,

but my God, it's ugly.

That roof!

Looks like a tramp's hat.

Also, the ride
isn't good enough.

The driving position's
all wrong,

and if you have a manual,
the clutch is stupid.

Most important of all, though,
neither of these cars
floats my boat.

So, now we're back
with the Jaguar,

and that is fine by me.

Yes, it's not the most
advanced car in the world,

and yes, it was made for 20p,

but who cares
when it looks this good,

drives this well,

and sounds like that?

Honestly, keep it
below 130 or so,

you're going to
absolutely love it.

Well.

-CLARKSON: Great.
-Great.

So, keep it under
130 miles an hour.

There's some useful consumer
advice, Jeremy. Well done.

This from a man who
crashed a Landrover into
an iceberg racing a canoe.

Yes. Granted.
That's a fact.

However, that Jag.
What about it?

The thing is that
later this year,

Aston are going
to do a convertible
version of the V8 Vantage.

They are, but will it
be prettier than the Jaguar?
Come on.

It'll be faster.

Possibly. Don't forget,
there is a supercharged
version...

-I know, in September.
-It should rebalance that.

And the Aston will be
a lot more expensive,
and a lot less reliable.

-I know, and Jaguar are second
only to Lexus these days.
-Exactly.

Yes, look. Before
I went to Yorkshire,

I would have chosen the Aston
without thinking about it.

-But this is
a properly good car.
-It is good.

But good enough
to beat the Aston?

It's good enough
to make you think about it!

What do we think?
Aston or Jag? Aston?

-AUDIENCE: Aston!
-That's sorted that, then.

Hands up for the Jag.

Hands up for the Aston.

-You can't beat
an Aston badge!
-It's a bit of a walk-over.

Hmm. That one's going to
run and run, I suspect.

Anyway,
drive-time radio shows.

On the whole,
they're pretty awful.

The traffic announcements,
for example, they really,
really annoy us.

And that got us thinking.

How about if we had a go
at doing a drive-time
radio show?

I mean, how hard can it be?

CLARKSON: To find out,
we were given the opportunity

of hosting the three-hour
afternoon drive-time show

on BBC Southern Counties
radio in Brighton.

And Richard,
who used to be
a local radio DJ,

reckoned this was
some kind of big deal.

In five hours' time,
it starts, whether we're
ready or not.

The news ends, and we go,
"Hello!" and we have
to talk for three hours.

-You really are worried.
-I just want to have
some time preparing for it.

-You're panicking.
-It's absolutely critical
that before we...

Why are you taking us there
in a Cadillac?

-Because it's an
appropriate car to do it in.
-Why?

Local radio DJs,
that's what they...

There are two types
of local radio DJs, okay?

There are those
that drive a Cadillac,

and those that want to
drive a Cadillac.

You know, this is really
a Saab, don't you,
underneath?

-Do you realise that?
-Do you know that?

The indicator stock
is straight from a Saab.

The steering wheel
is a Saab steering wheel.

The gear lever is
a Saab gear lever.

The handbrake is Saab.

Can we just take the
whole Saab thing as read,
then, and maybe move on?

CLARKSON: Actually,
we couldn't move on,

because we were stuck
in a big traffic jam.

-WOMAN ON RADIO: This is
BBC Southern Counties Radio.

This is what we've
got to do, okay?

-MALE DJ: Long may you reign.
-This is us.

But we're still looking for
somebody who shares their
birthday with the Queen.

So if you know...

Social stuff, relevant
to your listeners, local...

-What?
-We'll manage.

All right, fine. Well, you
just make it up when they say,

-"Talk for three hours."
-How hard can it be, anyway?

So this 2.8, it's a V6.

-Not a straight 6.
-It's the Saab.

It's a V6!

But more important,
do you have any idea how
long we've spent in this jam?

It's 32,000 quid for this,

which is the same
as a BMW 3 series.

Yeah. And there's 180
minutes of radio waiting

for us to say something
in all of them.

MAY: You know what they
did do on this to try and make
it not feel like a Saab?

Please just stop
talking completely now.

If you've nothing
to talk about,
just don't talk at all.

MAY: I don't like the clock.
HAMMOND: Save it!

CLARKSON: Soon,
we were moving again,

but Hammond was still
in a bit of a tizzy.

We'll have to introduce the
travel, weather, news, and the
headlines on the half hour.

-Well, I can talk
about the weather.
-You can't just...

Have you got enough leg
room back there?

I never thought I'd say this
sitting in a car behind
Hammond, but I haven't.

-Hey, look at that!
-Do you have to?
You've just put it in second.

I don't know
why I bother trying
to make this...

I'm only trying to
give you the benefit
of my...

What?
That's the cruise control,
leave it alone!

-I've just realised I can take
control of your speed.

CLARKSON: With me
on the throttle,
we were soon in Brighton,

with Hammond still wondering
what we were going to
do on the show,

and James and I wondering

why anyone would
want to buy the cramped
and expensive Cadillac

with its bad clock
and soggy suspension.

So, in other words,
to buy this car, what
you've got to do is say,

"No, I don't want the Lexus,
I don't want the Mercedes,

"I don't want the BMW,
I don't want the Audi.

"Move on to Cadillac."
Why would you turn down
all those cars to have this?

Right, let's go.

CLARKSON: At the radio
station, Hammond dragged us

straight into
a planning meeting

with the show's rather
nervous-looking producers.

So, if we come out,
at the top of the hour here,
you've got news,

and then you got sport,
and then you got weather.

Hold on a minute.
It just says "Story" there.

-What story?
-These are items
throughout your programme.

We've got to think of things
to talk about?

HAMMOND: On the day we did
this show, there was certainly
no shortage of material.

John Prescott, for instance,
had been caught with his
trousers down.

Is this not the single most
amazing story ever?

HAMMOND: And
Charles Clarke had lost
a thousand immigrants.

So what did James think would
most interest the listeners?

When you're at the jet-wash,

should the bonger go off

halfway through the cycle,
or at the end?

Hmm.

HAMMOND: Also, the show
was going out live,
which could be a problem,

given the loose connection
between Jeremy's
brain and mouth.

The average week, the audience
is 250-300,000.

Not all of them
are in invalid carriages.

-What?
-You said invalid carriages.

-What's wrong with that?
-You want to make sure he
doesn't say things like that.

What do ya...

Right! Now I want you to
show me how I control this
eight-foot gorilla.

What do you suggest I do?

HAMMOND: The meeting
rambled on for ages,

during which time,
nothing got sorted.

...idea of reading the news,
butt-naked.

HAMMOND: And then, with just
over an hour to go...

-I still don't understand
any of this.

So, at quarter past
and quarter to,

there are the headlines
that James can read...

HAMMOND:
With half an hour to go,
Jeremy suddenly announced,

worryingly, that he'd been
working on a plan.

Tonight, there won't be
a single queue or
jam in this region,

because I'm doing
the travel on this show.

HAMMOND: With zero hour
fast approaching,
even Jeremy got busy.

Got it.

HAMMOND: As I acquainted
myself with the studio,

James set about mastering
some of the station's
other technical equipment.

With just a few minutes to go,
a quarter of a million
Southern Counties' listeners

were starting
their journeys home.

Richard,
where's the turntable?
I've brought the records.

Jeremy, there is no turntable!

It's 2006!

HAMMOND: And they were all
expecting their usual slick
and helpful drive time show.

You've got
your interview first,
haven't you, as well?

-What? What interview?
-Oh, my God, that's me.

I haven't...

-James, you can't just nick...
-MacArthur...

HAMMOND:
We were primed and ready.

FEMALE RADIO VOICE:
BBC Southern Counties radio.

Good luck, everybody!

Here we go.

That shouldn't have happened.
I'm going to fade it out,
then you're gonna talk.

CLARKSON: Right. Um...

-Er...
-HAMMOND: Is that it?
Is that your intro?

Can I just say good afternoon,
this is still BBC's
Southern Counties radio...

CLARKSON: We weren't
what you'd call slick.

-Can I do the weather?
-MAY: Yeah.

-Er... I've lost it. Have
you got the headlines?
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

HAMMOND: Go on, then.
CLARKSON: Yeah.
No, you do them.

HAMMOND: I haven't got
the headlines.

CLARKSON: And the jingles
Richard had brought along
were dreadful.

HAMMOND: See what
you think of this one.

* I've been driving in my car
listening to Jeremy Clarkson *

-CLARKSON: How much did
you spend making those?

£5 a pop.

CLARKSON: No matter.
We would redeem ourselves
with my new, brilliant

and extremely complicated
traffic system.

What I've done here
is fixed up a link

between the Highways
Agency's headquarters
in Godstone in Surrey

so I can see all
the traffic cameras from all
the motorways in the region.

Now, what's happening is,
we've got an outside broadcast
truck at Godstone.

It's firing its signal up to
a satellite 22,000 miles
in space,

back down to White City
in London.

They're firing it down to
a switching station
in Tunbridge Wells,

and here we are in the studio,
looking...

If I can swing
the camera round,
we can get it off

the main pictures.
I can even zoom in.

HAMMOND: With full control
of the cameras, Jeremy could
reveal his big plan.

Instead of telling you
where the traffic jams are,

I am going to give you
the registration number of
the car that has caused them.

HAMMOND: So, he's not just
reporting on the traffic,
he's bossing it about.

Now, who's this, for coming
down in a Volkswagen van?

You're leaving a 200-yard
gap there. Now close up.

HAMMOND: While Jeremy
was shouting at the traffic,

James and I were getting
to grips with the music.

As promised earlier,
it is Wang Chung
and Dancehall Days.

Oh, you sprung that on me,
rather. Do you want to
that again, James?

As promised earlier,
it is Wang Chung
and Dancehall Days.

-Maybe just once more
for me, mate.
-Just play something else.

-Oh, all right.

Oh, it's right! Yeah!
He has no idea.

I'd just like to apologise...

WOMAN: BBC's Southern
Counties Radio travel.

CLARKSON: Hello. Is that me?

HAMMOND: That was slick.

HAMMOND: It was time for
another of Jeremy's rubbish
travel reports.

Oh, now, look! Here we go.

Somebody in a...
It seems to be
a Land Rover Discovery

has jack-knifed
while carrying a trailer.

CLARKSON: It's a 4x4,
it's a good job, it was.
That's why he's still alive.

Lucky he didn't listen
to the Liberal Democrats
on that one.

The two outer lanes
of the motorway,
please get out of them,

'cause they're blocked by
an idiot in a Mitsubishi,
who's managed

to crash into his own trailer.

People are moving over
far too soon,

which means that
the motorway network
is not being fully utilised.

-You paid for it.
Drive right up to the crash.
-HAMMOND: Use it.

Use it, and then
get your window down
and tell the man

exactly what you think
of his driving.

HAMMOND: Precisely.
CLARKSON: Oh, no.

What we've got here
is a travel flash, actually.

My thanks to Janice.
She tells us that
in Dorking High Street,

a caravan has come adrift of
the car blocking one lane.
The police are in attendance.

Police, are you armed?

I hope they are,
they could take it out
and just shoot the driver.

Thank you very much.
That's the travel
with Jeremy Clarkson.

CLARKSON: Even we could see
the show was pretty bad.

But then, it got worse.

Hammond mistimed a trip to
the loo, and while he was
in there, a song finished.

Hello? Is that...

Is there somebody there?

-Is anybody there? Hello?
-Hurry up! Come on!

* -Two, four, six, eight,
James May... *
-What?

CLARKSON: Then,
I forgot I was going out live.

-CLARKSON: Well, he's ginger,
and he's Welsh.
-Okay.

CLARKSON: And then, we upset
the station's sports reporter.

SPORTS REPORTER:
204 for 9, the latest score.

Carl Hopkinson, 45,
Rana is 26 not out.

-Three wickets a piece
for Dominic Thornely

and Sean Ervine.

Sorry! Sorry, that happens!

MAY: 253 for 3, is that good?
I don't understand.

They've got 253 runs,
and they've lost
three wickets, sir.

-It is cricket.
-He's angry.

It's a game that's been
played in this country
for about 300 years.

-What, the same game?
-Why don't you get the
Observer's Book of Cricket,

which will tell you
all of the regulations
that you need to know,

and then you'll be okay.

HAMMOND: We're now...

-HAMMOND: Sorry!

CLARKSON: Worse still,
my traffic system really
wasn't working out as planned.

The cameras were not
able to give enough detail,

so my reports
were becoming a little vague.

Jeremy, go!

It's all completely hopeless.

Everywhere, I can see people
in Astras, M25.

Godstone's jammed up
at Junction 6.

Barrow...
Don't use it! Don't use it!

Stay at work. Be productive,
and buy a helicopter.

MAY: It's not particularly
helpful what you're telling
them there.

CLARKSON: I therefore decided
to personalise my reports.

-MAN ON PHONE:
Hello there!
-HAMMOND: Hello, how are you?

Bit fed up as I can't work out
whether I'm supposed to
be turning off

-the M25 or not.
-Yeah.

-We're trying to
get home tonight.
-CLARKSON: Where are you?

-I'm going anti-clockwise.
-Anti-clockwise.

You, my son, have had it.

-Oh, thanks a lot.
-Just... I'm screwing it up.

CLARKSON: With the
traffic system ruined, we were
running out of things to say.

If you use a jet-wash, should
the bonger on each cycle

go off at the end of the cycle
or in the middle?

The bonger goes off
at the end of
the foamy brush cycle,

and you've only done
the bonnet, you've had it.

CLARKSON: The switchboard
began to light up
with angry listeners,

one of whom was
called Mrs Smith.

-Hello, Mrs Smith!
-I came home from work
at 5:00,

and what a load of rubbish
this is!

-And I think
it's absolutely dreadful.
-But... But...

I've been an avid listener to
Southern Counties for a number
of years.

For God's sake, bring back
Dominic, Busby and all
the rest of them.

-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-It's all a load of rubbish.
Thank you and goodnight.

CLARKSON: With the locals
ready to lynch us,
we decided to get out early.

This is a nine-minute song.
By the time it's over,
our show's over.

Do you want to walk
through Brighton after
the show we just did?

Is there a back door?

By the time this is over,
we can't be here.

Down the back stairs.

I'm going! Sorry!

Shame. Shame.

So, how hard can it be to host
a drive-time radio show?
Well, very.

Yeah. Even harder than
turning a people carrier
into a convertible.

Even harder than turning
a Saab into a Cadillac!

Yeah. Absolutely!
Hey, no, listen!

We've got time for one more
thing because, you see,
we have been literally

inundated with a letter.

It was from someone who said
that there's one star

we never put in
our old Reasonably Priced Car.

There's one name
missing from this list.

CLARKSON: Yes, it's the Stig!

No-one else knows
this track as well as him,
and now he'll give the Liana

a proper send-off
by showing us what
it can really do.

Here we go,
up to the first corner,

this is where we almost
killed Lionel Richie
when the wheel fell off.

But no problems for Stig.
He's smooth
and he's controlled.

-Oh, look at that.

-MALE VOICE:
I can't find my son.

CLARKSON: Even though he's at
maximum attack, he's still got
time to learn Italian.

Now, look at that.
Through Chicago.

See how Stig keeps on top
of the understeer,

wringing out the tired
and emotional engine

using every inch of the track
and then some.

Here he is
in a Hammerhead.

This is where
Jonathan Ross got lost.
Not an issue for Stig.

He's spent so much time here
he's named every single blade
of grass.

MALE VOICE:
Can I speak to Paul?
It's Caroline.

CLARKSON: Yeah.
There's Alan the dandelion.
He's gone by. There's Stuart.

Or was it Ian? Anyway...

Here he comes.
Ooh, it's quick!

Second-to-last corner.
Look at the way it's drifting!

He's only got Gambon
named because of course,
Michael rolled it here.

Is he? No, he isn't!

And there he is,
over the grass
and across the line.

Yes!

And here he is!

Here he is for the first time
ever in the studio.

So, where do you think
you've come?

Do you think you've beaten
Ellen MacArthur? 1.46?

Do you think maybe you went
faster than Nigel Mansell on
the Top Gear F1 board there?

1.44.6.

Okay. Well, let's cut
to the chase.

You did it
in 1 minute...

Most of our guests lean
forward a little at this point

'cause they're
anticipating it.

-1 minute...

40...

Now, Nigel Mansell was 44.6.

You were 44...

Point...

-Oh, he's not bothered.

Obviously not interested
in how fast he did it.

Well, never mind. I am.
He did it in 1.44.4!

The fastest time ever
for the Stig!

He couldn't care less!

He just walked away!

And that's it!
That really is all
we've got time for.

Thank you very much.
See you soon.
Goodnight!