Top Gear (2002–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Clarkson Drives the Koenigsegg CCX - full transcript
The boys attempt to turn an old Renault Espace people carrier and turn it into a convertible people carrier. Richard road tests a pink Nissan Micra convertible. James road tests the funky new Honda Civic. Jeremy road test Sweden's...
CLARKSON: Tonight,
I drive the scariest
car in the world.
James drives the least scary
car in the world.
And we all drive a car
with a monkey on the roof.
It is good to be back!
And now the thing is,
we realized that
after three years we had
to make some changes,
to keep the show fresh
and to keep it exciting.
So we've got ourselves
a dog!
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
Here she is!
Mmm-mmm.
-Yeah!
-Mmm.
Good girl.
Yeah. She's fantastic.
She is, um, a labradoodle.
So, she's part Labrador
and part poodle.
-Yeah. That makes
her a hybrid.
-Yeah.
We were gonna call her Prius.
But that would've been cruel.
-And she would've eaten a lot
more than we were expecting.
-Yeah.
So. You're not gonna believe
her real name, okay?
This is a work of genius.
Her name
-is Top Gear Dog!
-It's brilliant!
-HAMMOND: It's brilliant!
-And she's in park.
-Yeah. She is.
-She is in park
most of the time.
-Yeah, she is.
The thing is, we've got
the dog, we've got the
frankly brilliant name.
Few problems,
firstly we don't actually
know what to do with it
now we've, um,
now we've got it.
Secondly, as it turns out,
she's completely
terrified of cars.
They make her ill,
which is unfortunate.
And thirdly,
she's not very fond
of James May.
-No, she vomited
on him this morning.
-She did.
All over him. Disgusting.
-Yeah, she did that.
Thing is though, don't worry.
We are still a car show
and we have prepared
a montage of what you can
expect over the coming weeks.
I can see him! He's up there!
Come on, horse!
We're only going 28!
I wasn't expecting that!
Oi! Scallies.
Why can I not just
win something?
Full power! Full power!
Oh, God.
No! No!
No! No! No!
Ooh, I hit an iceberg.
-CLARKSON: You did
hit an iceberg.
-I did. I did.
You did.
All of that...
All of that is to come.
But we thought
we'd kick things off by
taking a look at a new
convertible Nissan Micra.
It's possibly the most
embarrassing car in the whole
of human history.
Yeah, so plainly the job
of testing it would go to
whichever one of us
was most used
to being embarrassed.
And that would be
the one who spent the
early part of this year
on daytime television.
-Him.
HAMMOND: Right. This is it.
It's called the C+C
and it costs £15,000.
Which is a lot.
But that's not my
biggest worry.
Okay. Here goes.
Yup.
Why, oh why
did we have to do this
round by where I live?
The roof takes 22 seconds
to come down.
Which feels like a long time.
But to be honest,
you won't be in a rush
for anyone to see you.
On the plus side it has kept
most of its boot space.
Good for hiding in.
Now, as it is a town car,
we'd best find a town.
This is Ledbury.
It's been a safe
Conservative seat since 1910.
The Daily Mail
sells four million
copies a day here.
The locals
don't like change.
It's also the place
where I do my shopping.
So, this is the
top-of-the-range
Essenza version.
It's got a 1.6 litre,
108 horsepower engine.
It's good for
119 miles an hour.
But you wouldn't wanna
go that fast, because,
with the roof down this
thing wobles like it's
made out of cardboard.
Nissan say
that it's "class-leading..."
Ugh!
Can't do any more.
I've done enough.
I just can't take it.
I'll leave it there.
It's not as though anyone's
gonna steal it, are they?
-Are you going to do
daytime television again?
-No.
-No, I promise.
-No more daytime TV.
Not if driving that
is punishment! No.
How bad is it?
How bad?
Look! Just look at it!
How bad do you think it is?
It just looks like a scrotum.
-It's that embarrassing.
Thing is though, okay,
they've taken a tin-opener
to a Nissan Micra.
They've recently taken
a tin-opener to the
Rolls Royce Phantom.
In fact these days you can buy
a soft-top version of just
about everything.
But nobody has ever made
a convertible people carrier.
Why not?
How hard can it be?
CLARKSON: This is
a Renault Espace,
probably the best
of the people carriers.
Not that that's
much to shout about.
That's like saying,
"Ooh good, I've got syphilis,
the best of the sexually
transmitted diseases."
Look at that!
Piddington. Says it all!
"I've got a people carrier.
I'm a bit of a Piddington."
Behind the wheel of a car
like this you feel like
you're drowning
in wallpaper paste.
So we're going to
see if we can liven
it up a little bit
by cutting its head off.
You see, the good thing
about the Espace is,
because it's got
a proper chassis
-and just a plastic body...
-Yes.
We can take the roof off
and theoretically
it won't make it
-you know too weak and...
-Theoretically?
'Cause you've
done this before anyway.
-Yes, I have.
It didn't go well.
-How not well?
Well, I took the roof off
and the whole car
split in half.
-You see, that's
very not well indeed.
-It snapped.
But this time,
he is going to be
our project leader.
-I'm gonna in charge...
-CLARKSON: And he had
an ambitious plan.
This is my detailed
engineering drawing
of what I think we can do.
Because it's a very long car,
I don't think we can make
a roof that all folds into the
little boot area.
So what I've done is,
I've divided it up
into two bits.
This bit at the back
is on a frame.
In the middle,
I'm proposing
this removable hoop.
Can this be put up
and taken down in under,
let's say, a day?
Yeah. Yeah,
a couple of minutes.
-No, two minutes is too long.
-Why don't I believe you?
The modern convertible
is a two-second job.
-My SLK.
-Yeah.
You're talking about
a camping holiday here.
Almost, but the point is...
You said you were an expert!
No. I never said
I was an expert.
I just had an idea.
What you've done is
design an awning that
you can put over your car.
CLARKSON: The next
squabble was over
the pathetic cutting tools
that James had provided.
-Perfect.
-You're quaking
already with fear.
-I'm not quaking
with anything. Honestly, I...
A chicken.
Anybody for the leg?
-Ooh, it's a bit tough!
-You'd be surprised.
-It's stupid.
CLARKSON: With our
nanny-state spectacles on,
it was time to get cracking.
This mail-order carving knife
that James has
brought is useless!
CLARKSON: So, I left
Hammond and May to it
and went to rent
something a little more manly.
Ah! Now that's what
I'm talking about!
-You know what
I've just thought of?
-MAY: What?
I'm cutting through the roof
and I'm standing on it.
-Yeah.
-We were hoping
you wouldn't realise.
MAY: Now,
the important thing when
cutting through the pillars
is to protect the glass.
CLARKSON: I knew it!
I broke the window a bit.
Yeah.
I've done a bad thing there,
haven't I?
-Well, it's still convertible!
-Hammond.
-Yes? Yes.
-You see this window?
-That would've been fine.
We don't need that one.
-You've broken one!
-We do need that one
and you broke it!
-Yeah.
MAY: We now had
to be extra careful
not to break any more.
Now, you're gonna
have to do this.
Hah! That was yours!
I didn't touch it!
-Yeah, you did.
-I didn't touch it!
-You did.
-You had the saw at the time.
MAY: With half the windows
gone, it was time to
remove the roof.
-How we gonna...
-Well, it's plastic,
it won't weigh anything.
So you grab that side.
-We ready?
-Yeah. Yep.
One, two, three, go!
What do you mean
it doesn't weigh anything?
It weighs a ton!
-It's like someone's
Espace has sunk!
That is cool!
-That's excellent!
-It looks brilliant!
You've sawn
through the sun visor.
And one of the seat belts.
-You know what
I'm thinking now?
-What?
-Yeah! Yeah!
This is brilliant!
I'm not joking! If anything,
it's better to drive
than the ordinary one
because it still
feels as stiff.
But you've got,
look, the world!
We have made something
truly wonderful.
James doesn't look very happy.
-What's up with him?
-He's a bit freezing!
-Do you want the heater on?
-Shut up!
Put the heater on
and see if it makes
any difference!
-I'll put it on warm.
-Ah! That's better. Thanks.
CLARKSON: Now,
though, it was time
for the tricky bits.
Building our roof.
James was in charge
of the frame.
Hammond was
in charge of the fasteners.
And I had the tough job,
cutting and sewing the canvas.
You know you
want it 57 inches wide?
-Yeah?
-The material you bought
is 55 inches wide.
No matter.
My sewing skills
would compensate.
You never forget, really.
It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget how to sew.
CLARKSON: Oh, damn and blast!
What?
What have you done?
I've sewn myself
to the machine!
-Don't!
James untangled me and
asked me to help create
a hoop for his frame.
-You've got that bit perfectly
vertical in that, right?
-Yup. Here we go.
This is the critical component
of the whole design.
-And then that goes
at right angles?
-Yep.
-Oh, you utter klutz!
Again. Top Gear,
ambitious, but rubbish!
CLARKSON: This may
take some time.
Yes, and so we shall
pick that up later.
But now the news.
And we start with
the recent rise
in petrol prices.
Yes, we do. I wanna start,
if I may, by talking about
organic peace crisps.
-HAMMOND: Eh?
-You know the
organic ones? Yeah?
They're about
20p a pack more than
proper crisps. Okay?
The only difference is
they've been fertilized
with the excrement,
-human excrement
of a Mexican farmer. Okay?
-Right.
-No, that's true.
And nobody minds
paying the 20p a pack more.
But if petrol goes up 1p,
everyone runs around waving
their arms in the air.
-Fair point.
-And the thing is this, okay?
If you buy those crisps,
the 20p goes to the
Mexican sewage industry.
If you buy petrol
the money goes to the
Government who spend it
letting out foreign prisoners
so they can stab people.
Well, that's the
way I see it.
Can I talk briefly about
these four-seater cabriolets?
Ordinary four-seater cars
that've been
turned into cabriolets.
They've never worked with
those metal folding roofs.
And the reason is...
Well, if you look at them,
they're a bit ungainly.
-Things like the Peugeot one,
the Renault Megane one.
-They're French!
No! The reason is...
No, the reason is
they had to try
and minimise
the amount of roof that
you had to fold away.
To do that they
extended the windscreen
back halfway along the car
so they look ungainly.
No, it's because
they're French, and the French
always like to be first.
They didn't know how to
do the roofing. It's like
the French did that
first face transplant.
You know.
-Yes.
- We don't
know what we're doing.
We have the
bottom of a baboon,
we'll put it on.
There we are. It's a face!
Well, we're first.
Either way, with your theory.
The point is VW think they
might have cracked this
four-seater, metal, folding
roof cabriolet thing
with the Eos.
-We have a picture of it. Now.
-Hmm.
You see, that looks great!
And the reason it looks great
is that the roof doesn't
extend all the way back.
Look, that's a handsome car.
It is, I'm looking forward
to driving that.
It costs about
£19,500 to 26,000.
You can get a 3.2-litre V6.
For sale in July.
-Jeremy? Did you, uh...
-Yeah?
Did you come here
in your GT today?
-No.
-No!
-Did you decide to
leave it at home this week?
-Yeah!
You know perfectly well
why I'm not in my GT today.
HAMMOND: So you left...
Is it at home?
-No! It's at the menders!
-Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Now, the thing is, okay,
all the stuff that was put on
in England went wrong
as we knew before, okay.
One of the
things they supplied
was the trickle charger.
Put it away in the garage
in October. October 4th.
On October 5th, it seems
the trickle charger blew up.
So the battery wasn't being
charged. When I came to
start it, it wouldn't start.
Got a new trickle charger.
Six weeks later, this morning.
Right, here we go.
Alarm came off perfectly.
All the lights came on.
Pushed the button to start
and all that started
-was the rear
right-hand indicator.
We're not laughing.
-That start button. Have you
ever thought of writing...
-Yeah.
-"This is only the..."
-"Start of your problems!"
-Yes.
The thing is, I've...
I think
I'm right in saying,
I've never completed
a single journey anywhere
there and back in it. Ever.
Which must make it
the most unreliable
car ever made.
In fact, if you've got
a more unreliable one,
why don't you
write to us at...
"Actually I've got a Peugeot."
BBC Top Gear.
-201 Wood Lane
"London W12.
There's a man with a Peugeot!
Skip on down!
Bad news. Bad news.
While we were off air,
some environmentalists
broke into our track...
Oh, yeah.
And attempted to make,
well, their own version
of Top Gear.
-Yeah.
-Now, we've managed
to obtain their rushes,
their footage, and we'd like
to show you what they came
up with, if we may here.
Here's their chief presenter.
He's a chap called
David Cameron.
Green pressure group
called the Conservative Party.
-That is the host, look.
That is our track.
He's getting into
a Ford Focus.
-With "Bio-Ethanol"
written on it.
-Yeah.
CLARKSON: And away he goes.
He's going into the
Hammer Head.
He must be doing
16 miles an hour now.
-HAMMON: It's not very good
this show, is it?
-CLARKSON: No!
I don't think the
environmentalists have quite
got the hang of it at all.
-Oh, look, he's got
an invalid carriage!
-HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
CLARKSON:
There's someone in it,
showing him how it works.
That's the rear-view mirror.
You'll need that.
-There'll be loads of
stuff behind you mate!
He's off. In his electric car.
Oh, no!
He's turned the indicator on.
I wouldn't do that.
You'll wear the battery down.
No... Yes... He's doing...
Wait a minute. What's wrong?
Oh, it's out of juice.
Told him not to use
the indicator. You see.
A professional would've
known that.
Wait a minute. He's being
pursued here by a woman
in suspiciously flat shoes.
What she wants to know is
whether the reason he came
to the Top Gear track
was to send a message
to Top Gear.
Jeremy Clarkson is
actually my neighbour,
in my constituency.
We live next-door
to each other.
We agree about many things.
But I'm afraid the environment
isn't really one of them.
-You can say that
again, sunshine!
-Wasn't very good,
that was it?
-No, it wasn't.
--Wasn't good at all.
-I don't think they
got the hang of it.
MAY: Hey now,
have a look at this.
This is a Saab concept car.
It's called the Aero X.
I think it looks
actually pretty good.
Would you agree?
Yeah, no,
it does look fantastic.
And it's got,
they say, the canopy
of a jet fighter.
That's not needed.
The only reason to have
a canopy on a jet fighter
-is so you can see
MiGs behind you.
-Yes.
They're not gonna come at you
out of the sun on the M4,
are they?
Exactly. Exactly.
That's the nature
of my complaint.
None of this stuff
ever gets made.
It's all lies, isn't it?
-Do you remember that
Honda Civic concept car?
-Mmm-hmm.
They said this thing is
gonna have triangular
exhaust pipes
and the door handles
were gonna be like
space rockets.
They said it was
gonna be marvelous.
MAY: But guess what? It is.
This? This is
something different.
Yes, it has a normal engine.
And, yes,
it has four normal doors.
And a normal hatchback.
And yes, it's made in Britain.
But look at it.
I was expecting
a '60s tower block.
And they've given
us the Guggenheim.
Look at these headlights.
And this Honda
badge inside a Perspex
trophy cabinet.
It's very Flash Gordon.
The back end also
looks as though it's come
from outer space.
And like I said,
the door handles
look like the rockets
that'll take you there.
And this is a Honda Civic.
Inside, they've continued
the new tradition
of breaking with tradition.
This dashboard
is really groovy.
You've got a huge rev counter
with a mystical
blue halo around it.
It even tells you,
look at this.
Whether or not your
kids in the back have
got their seat belts on.
And even that hazard
warning button
is a thing of beauty.
It's translucent
and looks like a boiled sweet.
They're the sort of features
you used to find in Citroens
during their magnificent
quirky era.
But as this is a Civic,
they probably won't fall off.
You just know that
you'll still be enjoying this
when you're as old as...
Well, as old as
most Honda drivers are.
Now, this is a car
you might actually buy,
so forgive me while I take a
moment to deal with some
real-world road test stuff.
Prices. This is
a mid-range 1.8.
It costs around £15,000.
That's about the same
as a Ford Focus,
a bit less than
a VW Golf. Fine.
The 1.8 petrol is reasonably
quick in a straight line
as is the 2.2 diesel.
And they both seem
to be able to go around
corners without crashing.
But there is some bad news.
The ride. Once you start
going faster, it just
gets a bit too choppy.
And, frankly, it could do with
a bit more sound insulation.
I mean, I like an engine
as much as anybody.
But I like it to be a fizzy V6
handcrafted in Italy.
This.
That's a rather dreary
four-pot from rainy Swindon.
But these flaws aren't enough
to put me off
because Honda has
had the courage to keep
the fabulous stuff we liked
when we saw this
as a concept car.
These fantastic triangular
exhausts, for example.
And then there's
the big, red starter button.
I know it doesn't sound much,
but if you come out
of a Little Chef
on a wet Wednesday
afternoon and you have to go
to a marketing conference
that could just be enough to
make you think, "No, I won't
kill myself after all."
What this car does is
something that the old
Civic could never do,
something a Golf or a Focus
or an Astra can't do either.
Let me put it this way,
the space shuttle only does
a job and it's white
but you'd never call it
a white good.
Right, we've already said
hello to our new dog
and as you can see,
we have a new studio.
But now it's time
to say a very sad farewell
to our reasonably priced car.
Yep. Sorry, but after
1,600 laps of the track,
10 of which with Johnny Vegas
at the wheel...
It's been through 400 tyres,
400 brake pads,
six clutches,
two gear linkages
and a wing mirror.
And now I'm afraid
it's time to put the
old Liana out to stud.
Yes, it is.
But let's meet the car
that will be replacing it.
Anyone want to guess
what it is?
-What do you think?
-What do you think?
Shout out.
-Chrysler.
-A what?
A Chrysler, no.
Not a Kia. It is in fact...
We got ourselves a Chevy!
-We have. Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait!
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
-No!
I think they think
it's a Corvette.
-They think it's a Corvette.
-No. It's not a Corvette.
Or a Camaro.
But, hey, here it is.
The new car.
You know it as
the Daewoo Nubira
-but it's not, it's a Lacetti.
-Look at that!
£10,000 worth of
Korean reasonableness.
Wow!
1.8 litres.
119 brake horsepower.
-Top speed... I know!
Top speed, a dizzying
121 miles an hour.
-Mmm-mmm.
-So it's more powerful
than the Liana
and, of course,
faster than the Liana.
which means our old
celebrity lap time board
is now redundant.
Yeah, so we got
ourselves a new one.
And to get some
names and some times
on it straightaway
we're not having
a star guest this week.
Instead, we hosted a sort of
drop-in coffee morning
for lots of them.
Richard and I arrived early
to set up the coffee
and the cakes.
-That's coffee and tea, yeah?
-Yeah. Two sorts of jam.
-Right, all we need now
are some celebrities.
-Yeah.
Is it gonna be
like Love Island?
You know,
where they're all only famous
'cause they once bought
a car from someone
who lived in
Anthea Turner's old house?
No, no, no,
I've invited everyone in here.
Every single person in here
has an invite.
-We're not gonna have
enough biscuits, mate.
-No, it'll be fine.
CLARKSON: Our first guest
was a bit of a surprise,
because we had no idea
who he was.
-Who is he?
-Haven't got a clue.
-Don't tell me you don't know.
-No idea.
-You can say hello.
-Hi, how are you?
-Welcome to Top Gear.
-Thank you very much.
-This is Richard.
-Hi.
-Hi, Richard.
-So...
So... Done anything
like this before?
-No, I'm a complete
novice really at this.
-Really?
CLARKSON: Desperately
we fished for clues which
would give us a name.
So what are you up
to these days?
I'm starting a bar
and restaurant in Spain
and trying to wean myself
off television work.
-No! Oh, my God!
-Yeah.
-You sound disappointed.
-No.
-You do quite a lot of
driving, don't you?
-Yeah.
-I enjoy driving.
-Yeah.
This was hopeless so we
bunged him in with the Stig
for a few practice laps.
I mean he's only got
a Mercedes 200D
so it's not like
he's a multimillionaire.
What am I gonna
write on the board?
As the well-spoken man
pounded round the track,
a celebrity we'd had on
before turned up.
How are you?
I'm very well.
Alan Davies.
Alan. Alan, Alan.
Alan Davies.
Come along, please.
As Hammond welcomed
the famous Alan Davies,
I explained the new rules
to the well-spoken man.
Now, in the past, okay.
People who came down here
did five or six laps, okay?
Practice laps.
And we took their best time.
-From out of the five.
-From out of the five.
That's not happening any more.
What's happening now is
-you're gonna get
five practice laps, okay?
-Right.
Five. And then on your
sixth lap we get the
stopwatch out.
-Is that okay?
-Fantastic.
So that's it.
You spin off, tough.
Three, two, one! Go!
Best of luck.
Whoever you are.
Here he comes up to Gambon!
Yes, he's still aggressive.
Crossed the line.
I am going to put your time
on the board.
-Oh, gosh, how embarrassing
this is gonna be.
Not as embarrassing
as it is for me.
-Where do you think
you've come?
-Oh, God, I don't know.
-I don't...
The fastest lap you did
was your timed lap. 1:47:6.
Yeah!
-Congratulations.
You're in the lead.
-You are in the lead.
-Thank you for
being so generous.
CLARKSON: Then it was
Alan's turn and he really
was giving it his all.
Look at him!
Wrestling to stay in control
of the powerful Lacetti.
And when he lost it,
it really scared him.
-Oh, my God.
-That's a crash. Oh!
Whilst he was
gormlessly pounding round,
another former guest
turned up, actor Trevor Eve.
Hello.
HAMMOND: I said that's tea,
it may not be.
We're doing well.
So far we've got Alan Davies,
-who's out there as we speak.
-Yeah.
-And there was a man and
we don't know who he was.
-Very smart.
The last time Trevor
had been on the show,
he'd had a bit of a disaster
when the wheel came
off the Liana.
And this time,
while on his fourth
and final practice lap...
I broke this one as well.
What have you done to it?
The clutch has gone.
It's only done 26 miles.
And life for the Lacetti
wasn't about
to get any easier.
-MAN: New studio?
-CLARKSON: New studio.
-But more importantly new car.
-I love what you've done.
The Prince of Darkness
had arrived, Jimmy Carr.
Dressed like an old man,
jeans and a jacket.
Should have greyed up
my hair as well.
-That's Trevor Eve.
Oh, my God!
-He seemed a bit angry.
Are things okay at home?
Trevor was ready
for his timed lap.
This is the handbook
for the car.
Use the following
precautions for the first
few hundred miles.
-Avoid full-throttle starts.
So let's take stock.
Alan had done a 1:50.3.
And as for Trevor Eve?
-Where do you reckon?
-Oh, here we go.
He really, really
missed one, eh?
You were a 1:48.
-Passable in the Suzuki Liana.
-Yeah.
-You did it in one minute...
You 1:47.6 to beat.
-Yeah.
One minute, 40...
-Seven...
-Uh!
-Point...
-Uh!
-Zero.
-Oh!
-You are at the top of
our new board, Trevor Eve.
-Very good.
For how long, though?
-Shouldn't be a problem.
While Jimmy was limbering up,
our next guest arrived.
CLARKSON: Justin
out of The Darkness.
-HAMMOND: There you go.
-I'm freezing.
When the sun's out
it's a beautiful day.
I feel our garden party's
working well.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile.
And he wasn't finished yet.
-Uff.
What you're doing, Jimmy,
is slowly destroying this car.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
And we don't know how many
other celebrities might arrive
this afternoon that wanna go
and we'll have to say,
"Car wrecked."
I'm having a little cry.
My name's Richard.
Three, two, one.
Go!
Well, that happened again.
It's over-firing.
I'm moving back.
As a former lap board leader,
Jimmy couldn't afford
to lose it.
CLARKSON: This is it,
second to last corner.
He's lost it.
No, he's got it back!
HAMMOND: He's lost it.
He's held it.
It's huge! It's huge!
CLARKSON: Oh, she's gone!
He's gone on his timed lap.
-That's cost him.
-HAMMOND: Cost him dear.
That is...
I think I'm in
with a shot, Jeremy.
You did it
in the slowest ever time,
two minutes, 8.9 seconds.
Well done, Jimmy Carr,
that's brilliant.
-Jimmy Carr,
you're down there.
-Truly hopeless.
It's not a good car,
that's what happened there.
CLARKSON: While one rock god
was practising...
Jeez!
...another one arrived,
Rick Wakeman, no less.
If we'd have known
Rick was coming,
I'd have got dry ice
for the whole track.
Justin was giving it all
on his flying lap.
But I'm afraid we'd become
distracted by our very own
concert in the park.
Pray, damn you, pray!
JEREMY:
I'm in the '70s!
I'm in the '70s!
Yeah!
And, for an encore.
-Do you know Les Ferdinand?
-I know of Les Ferdinand.
Les Ferdinand, Justin Hawkins.
Nice to meet you.
1:48.4.
-There you go.
-That's not bad.
That is there.
Up next, rock god senior.
Rick Wakeman's just
announced he's had several
heart attacks in his life.
-Watch it, Rick, watch it.
-Oh! He could let go
at any time.
Now Rick's keyboard solos
are known for being
quite long.
But they were nothing
compared to his lap.
The problem is,
he'll be all over the
dashboard like this.
Yeah.
And through Gambon
on all four wheels.
Rick eventually did it
in 1:55.3,
and then suddenly remembered
that a Les Ferdinand goal
in 1992
had relegated his beloved
football team, Man City.
Rick, you've got to
let it go, Rick.
You ran the whole length
of the pitch, you bloody
well beat everybody
and scored a fantastic goal
and I've never been so
pissed off in my entire life.
Then Rick wanted
one of our lady biscuits.
Three of the lady's cakes
have gone.
Can I ask, um...
It was him.
Things were getting
out of hand.
Oh, you pillock!
We'll have to ask
for that back.
Do you think that man's
wondering what's going on?
Thanks.
So far, Trevor Eve had set
the fastest time of the day.
Les was now the only man
who could beat him, and boy,
was he on a mission.
Everybody, can you be ready?
If he loses it on
the second to last corner,
he's gonna drive
straight through the tea tray.
Wait. This is quick.
No, it's too quick!
-That was rally driving.
-Yes, it was.
-I wanted to be up there.
I'm not sure I've done it.
You've got 1:47 to beat.
One,
40...
-Seven...
-Oh, you're joking!
-Point four.
-So if I hadn't gone off there
I'd have smashed that.
-You'd have smashed it.
-I would have smashed that...
-That was a good time.
-It was a good time.
HAMMOND: But he's never
going to be happy with it.
I'm not happy.
Don't clap for me.
Don't clap for that.
He's going to play
something suitable.
Does that make you
feel better?
I'm just gonna sulk off
and walk down there.
That's the walking away music,
isn't it?
He's never, ever going to...
Look.
This is now weird.
Bit difficult to tell, really,
after a day like that,
but we think that
the new Lacetti may be around
a second a lap quicker
than the old Liana.
But we'll find out
for certain next week
when the star in
a reasonably priced
car feature returns to normal.
Anyway, enough of that.
It's time for diesel news!
Now, this is a JCB.
It's powered by
a four-cylinder diesel engine
which develops round about
125 brake horsepower.
And then of course gives it
a top speed of 6mph.
However, they've now
taken two of those engines,
they've spanked them up
to 750 horsepower each
and they've put them both
in that.
Yes, this is the Diesel Max.
And it's JCB's
attempt at breaking the
world land speed record
for diesel powered cars.
Now this JCB isn't gonna be
driven by a bloke in a vest
with his bum crack showing.
It will in fact be driven
by the current absolute world
land speed record holder,
Wing Commander Andy Green.
Who, from the size of
the thing, in order to get in,
he must be about six.
Indeed. And assuming
he does get in,
they're going to take it
to the Bonneville Salt Flats
in America,
where they are going
to be attempting to crack
300 miles an hour.
And if they do do that,
they'll dig it all up so that
no-one else can have a go.
Enough. I've an
announcement to make.
On April 14,
at precisely 3:00
in the afternoon,
I bade farewell to
the greatest love
of my life.
I gave up smoking.
And don't we know it!
I'm calm, I'm calm.
And you see the thing is,
okay, there are a number
of products on the market
to help get over
the craving, okay?
There's this chap
who helps himself
to everything in your wallet
every time you want a fag.
There's DVDs, there's books,
there's gum, there's patches.
But the thing is
I have now found the
greatest cure for the craving.
It comes from Sweden
and it's called
a Koenigsegg CCX.
The first Koenigsegg
was quite a car.
It still holds the record for
the biggest speeding ticket
ever issued.
242 miles an hour
in Texas.
Road tested that car
a couple of years ago
and it was a nightmare
for our camera crews
'cause they couldn't
keep up with it
in the panning shots.
And I don't think
they're gonna like this one
much either 'cause, um,
it's even faster.
The old car topped out on
our runway at 174mph.
So let's see what
this one can do.
0-60, 3.2 seconds.
I'm already at 158.
175, 178, 183,
188, 190.
It's getting awfully edgy.
Oh, my God, it's swerving!
It's really... This is bad.
What a machine!
That's quicker than anything
that's been here before.
By a long way.
Given enough space,
this will get to
250 miles an hour.
And that puts it awfully close
to the Bugatti Veyron.
There are three main reasons
for this.
It's very light. The whole car
is made from carbon fibre.
It's also very slippery.
It has the drag coefficient
of a fish.
But mostly, the oomph comes
from under the bonnet.
The old car had
a Ford engine which developed
655 brake horsepower.
This one has an engine
made by Koenigsegg themselves.
It's a twin-supercharged
4.7-litre V8
and it develops
806 brake horsepower.
806 brake horsepower.
That's about that much.
And that's on that
limp-wristed fairy liquid,
the Americans call petrol.
If you run this on the more
explosive jungle juice
we have here in Europe
you'll be getting 850bhp.
Oh, and I'll give you
a little tip.
If you tune this engine to
run on environmentally
friendly bio-fuel,
you'll be getting
900 brake horsepower.
Should get Bill Oddie
one of these.
For the first time in weeks,
I can put my hand on
my heart right now and say,
"I don't want a cigarette."
I just want more of this!
Who needs nicotine?
The sound is just astonishing!
I think Koenigsegg
is Swedish for, "Oh, no!
My head's just exploded!"
And in here,
no one can hear you scream.
It really does
beg a question,
why have they fitted a radio?
You couldn't even hear
Chris Moyles on that.
The reason why
it has a radio is
the same reason why this
new car is slightly taller
than the old one,
because it's supposed
to be easier to drive
and easier to live with.
You still get the mad doors
that open vertically.
Although you want to make sure
you don't park alongside a
tall kerb for obvious reasons.
And you still get this roof
which lifts out so that the
car becomes a convertible.
Inside, you still get
the Blake's 7 controls,
but because it's now taller,
even Dennis Rodman
could fit behind the wheel
and experience the terror.
And I do mean terror.
I mean, this develops more
than 800 brake horsepower,
but there's no rear spoiler
to push those massive rear
tyres into the road.
There's no
traction control either.
And the rear window
is just, um...
It's just a porthole,
so you can't see
what's behind.
Still, the time has come
to show it some corners
and see what's what.
Unlike any other supercar,
a Ford TT or a Zonda or
even an Enzo,
this doesn't feel
sanitised or tame.
It's just completely
wild and mad.
It's raw, vicious,
unbridled power.
And if you overstep the mark,
even slightly, it'll kill you.
The old car was
very, very fast and
very difficult to drive.
This is even faster and still
very difficult to drive. Whoa!
Koenigsegg say this is more
comfortable, but more
comfortable than what?
Being stabbed?
God, it's fun, though!
In recent weeks,
a craving for nicotine
has made me angry
with everything, even trees.
It's just completely
the wrong colour.
What's this? It's a twig.
Why? Why is it there?
Look at it!
But here with the Koenigsegg,
I have found a substitute
for smoking.
It's called smoking!
Grown-up car with no roof.
So, come on, then,
how much is this
giant nicotine patch?
£415,000.
So it is quite a lot cheaper
to smoke?
It's safer to smoke as well.
You know I've been banging on
about the rear wing
on the back of it, okay?
You don't need
a rear wing on the back
of your Vauxhall Corsa.
-No, you don't.
-Or a Ford Fiesta
but a car like this,
I think really does
need one, something to push
the back end down.
Anyway, we must now
find out how fast it goes
round our track,
so we must hand it over
to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his ears
aren't exactly where
you'd expect them to be,
and that once, preposterously,
he had an affair
with John Prescott.
All we know is
he's called The Stig.
Away he goes and this car
really is within a shout of
setting a new lap record here.
Does sound a bit like
The Stig's short-shifting,
but they have taken off
the rev limit.
He doesn't want
to lunch the engine.
First corner there.
Ooh! You see, the back's
stepping out already,
but he's on it in a moment.
MAN: Do you have a map?
That should explain Stig's
new in-car entertainment
is languages for beginners.
And this week, it's Italian.
Holding that.
Chicago nicely done.
Spit of flame.
Here's the Hammerhead.
This could be where
it all comes undone.
No, no, he's holding
onto that beautifully.
Snap of over steer
on the way out.
Now he can
really open the taps.
MAN: An ice cream, please.
Over 800 horsepower charging
up towards the tyre wall.
This should be quick.
Come on, Stig.
Keep it on, keep it on.
Oh-ho! Looking good!
Two corners left.
Don't throw it
all away here, Stig.
You've got the Zonda to beat.
Zonda's in sight.
Only Gambon left.
Hard on the brakes,
turn in,
flick of opposite lock
and across the line!
-So? Does it?
-So?
Okay.
It has got
the Zonda F to beat.
That's 1:18.4.
Gotta know. Come on.
And it did it in 1:20.4.
-Oh!
-Right down here.
You see, all that power,
but without the down force,
there it is.
CCX, that's the difference.
-Yeah, correctly spelt.
-Yeah. The quicker one.
Do you know,
I think the only time
that Zonda F
is going to get
knocked off the board,
is when Bugatti
finally let us put
a Veyron round our track.
You say that,
but having posted this time,
Stig said, "You know what?
"I reckon if
I don't short-shift
"and I'm a bit more brave
in the corners,
"I reckon I can go
faster than that."
-Who'd like to see
that attempt?
-Yes, please.
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Play the tape.
Right, he's off again
and this is the one. Okay.
Into Chicago,
he's really, really piling
it on through there.
Look at that.
So beautifully controlled.
Hammerhead. Feeling for grip.
I've gotta say,
that does look faster.
Now, go on, power!
Come on, Stig!
Get on the power!
806 brake horsepower
thundering down at 130 mph.
He's lost the back...
He's lost it! He's off!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
That's a big one.
That's the first time
The Stig's ever, ever
been off this track.
Here it is again
in slow-motion.
You can see
the back steps out,
no down force, he corrects it,
but there just isn't enough
track and that's a big tyre
wall he's been through there.
God! That is a big accident.
That is a properly
big accident.
-It's so... Look,
it's eaten the tyre wall!
Look, there's the advantage
of carbon fibre for you.
-Hardly any damage at all.
-Cheap to repair as well.
Well, cheaper than chewing gum
with nicotine in it,
that's for sure.
Thing is though, okay,
after the accident,
Stig said, he reckons this car
would be four seconds
faster than it was
if it had a big wing
on the back,
so Koenigsegg have announced
that they're going to take it
back to Sweden,
put a wing on it, then they're
going to bring it back here to
see what it can really do.
-That I want to see.
Definitely.
-So do I.
Now earlier on in the
programme we embarked
on a little project
to see how hard it could be
to make a convertible
people carrier.
CLARKSON: Behind these doors,
we had created a masterpiece.
As you can see,
Hammond's done a very
thorough job along here
of anchoring the roof
at the front.
We've replaced the glass
that was broken and that
obviously does tuck
under there.
This...
That's not a safety feature.
There's James's
folding arrangement
that gets it all down,
but it's the back
where we're really pleased,
because what we've done
is we've cut the
tailgate in half.
So you come back
with heavy shopping,
you undo all these,
takes no more
than five or 10 minutes
and then we've
hinged it here, so you can
pull the whole thing open
and load up the boot.
I mean, yes, there are
one or two rough edges.
Here, for example.
But on the whole,
we are very proud of it.
To see how good
our roof would be in
real world conditions,
the production team came up
with a number of tests.
-Now, our first challenge.
-Yes, indeed. Let's have it,
professor. Right.
No idea what this is.
"Challenge One, you must drive
the car with the roof up
at the speed of 100mph
"without anything
breaking or falling off."
Well, it won't.
Good. Let's do it.
MAY: Obviously,
we couldn't do this
on the road,
so we went to the
Millbrook Proving Ground
in Bedfordshire,
where there's a two-mile
banked circuit.
-It's been nice, chaps.
Working with you.
-Yeah!
Normally, I wouldn't wear
a helmet for this.
-No, but on this occasion...
-But today I am.
-Are you ready, boys?
-Yeah! Braced and ready.
-Here we go!
-Do it!
35, 36 miles an hour.
There's a bit of a draft here
from these windows.
Wouldn't they have
to look at that?
Things were going well
until we blasted past
the 50 mile an hour barrier.
-Guys!
-What?
Car issues
happening back here.
-What's with...
-Oh, no!
-The stitching is rubbish!
-Oh, no!
-MAY: It's fine. Keep going.
-It's your stitching...
That's because your
stitching came apart.
-Oh-oh. What was that?
-It's all collapsed
in the back!
It's on my head.
-It's still on!
-My head's holding it up!
-That's fine.
-Just stay where you are.
CLARKSON: 65, 66!
-Here we go!
-69!
ALL: Yes!
She's breaking up!
She's breaking up!
Come on,
you useless piece of junk!
I am now part of it!
I'm structurally integral
to the roof!
It's really not good
back here!
96!
It's not good!
It's not good, at all!
97!
-Yeah!
CLARKSON:
It's 100 miles an hour!
I'm easing her down now.
I'm easing her down.
So, we'd survived that.
Just.
And Richard and I decided
to get the roof down.
James said this would take
but a moment.
Surely if we...
Where does that go?
Neatness we can work on.
See, from a distance,
it actually looks quite good!
Look at that!
This isn't its best side
though, 'cause it's got
the hinges on it.
It looks better
from the other side!
Righto! Next challenge!
You must now go to
Woburn Abbey Safari Park,
and drive your convertible
through the
wild animal enclosures.
Righto.
Fine.
-Well, there are lions.
-You don't want to worry
about the lions.
It's the monkeys
you've got to worry about.
What?
Have you seen a lion?
Massive, pointy teeth.
Monkeys.
They don't scare me.
I do 'cause they're
Barbary ape monkeys
and they're really vicious.
They've got really,
really vicious teeth.
All right, put it this way.
If you were to be locked in
a phone box for half an hour
-with A, a monkey
or B, a lion...
-Exactly.
-There you go.
What would you go for?
-The lion.
-What?
-Because monkeys,
in confined spaces,
those Barbary monkeys,
they panic and they get
really incredibly violent.
CLARKSON: I just love the way
that James thinks that monkeys
are in some way
the greatest peril
we're facing in the
next hour of our lives.
Normally, Woburn does not
allow convertibles into its
dangerous animal enclosures,
but they were so impressed
with the structural integrity
of ours,
they made an exception.
Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm scared.
Look, it's like Jurassic Park!
Should I film?
It is Jurassic Park.
Please keep your doors
and windows closed
and under no circumstances,
go in in a homemade
convertible Renault Espace.
-These animals...
-ALL: May bite!
MAY: The African lion.
Six tonnes of
muscle and teeth.
To anyone from Woburn.
Have these lions been fed?
MAN: No, they're on
a starve day today.
Excuse me, it's Jeremy again.
Did you say they were
on a starve day?
Yes. We feed them
twice a week,
which is more similar
to the feeding regime
they'd have in the wild.
So when did they last eat?
Two days ago.
Yeah, but...
If you mention monkeys,
I'm throwing you out!
-Whoa, stop, stop!
-Holy mother!
-That'd be the spine of...
-That's the last person who
came through in a convertible.
To him, we look like
a sandwich box
with a lid half off.
HAMMOND: Fortunately,
the lions had other things
on their minds.
-Oh, look, what's going on?
-Oh, no, he's...
HAMMOND: That's lion porn!
-Oh, what are you doing, man?
-What if he tries
to do that to us?
MAY: With my point made,
we left the lions
and headed for the peril
of the monkeys.
Oh, aah! Monkeys!
Some of them
are like a foot tall!
He's eating a carrot!
Look what he's doing to it!
But then, a really
big one rocked up.
-Attack monkey!
-Aargh! Get off!
-That's a Barbary ape,
that's who he is.
-No, you've got to stay there
after you mocked me!
-Bugger off!
Ooh, another one
on the front.
Please can we go?
CLARKSON: We had to leave
with our roof mascot
still in place
because it was time for
our final challenge.
"Modern convertibles
are capable of driving through
automated carwash machines.
"You must now do the same
with your car."
CLARKSON: The carwash
selected for the test
was brand new.
It had cost the owner
a million pounds and featured
the latest technology
to deliver the
cleaning power of
a category five hurricane.
MAY: Has anyone else suddenly
become slightly nervous?
HAMMOND: Yes, I'm terrified.
I'm scared.
-It's quite cold this evening
as well, isn't it?
-Yeah.
MAY: It's bloody freezing.
Let's have the
heater on a bit.
Yeah.
-Ooh, here we go!
I'm not nervous.
-No, I'm not nervous.
-It's fine.
-It'll be good, it'll just...
You know, flap around a bit.
-My confidence is waning.
-I'm dry!
Yeah.
There's a light mist
coming in to the car.
No, that's just condensation.
It's a bit of mist,
but that's fine.
CLARKSON: I'm dry still!
-I'm wet now!
-I've suddenly got a bad, bad,
bad feeling about this.
CLARKSON: There's a great
big roller coming up!
The window's come in
and the roof isn't...
-Oh! Oh, my God!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
-I'm trying to!
-The door locks aren't...
-Get out!
-I can't get out!
-Get out on this side!
I'm out!
-I can't watch!
-You have to go through there!
-Are you through?
-Just get out.
Get out. Just get out.
-Keep running.
-Run!
Over there!
-That's bad.
-That was bad.
-Uh, it's on fire.
-BOTH: It's what?
-Absolutely murdered...
-It can't be on fire!
It's on fire. It's on fire.
Just run.
Just run.
Oops!
The thing is...
The thing is, we managed
to set fire to something
that's basically
made of water!
How did you do that?
Did you see the owner
of the carwash afterwards?
He was cross. Very cross.
He was especially cross
when I rang him up and
asked him for our £3.50 back.
-Not good.
-We asked earlier on
how hard it would be
to make a convertible
people carrier.
-The answer is very.
-Yeah, very.
And on that
crushing disappointment,
it's time to end the show,
so from the four of us,
thanks for watching.
See you next week,
good night!
I drive the scariest
car in the world.
James drives the least scary
car in the world.
And we all drive a car
with a monkey on the roof.
It is good to be back!
And now the thing is,
we realized that
after three years we had
to make some changes,
to keep the show fresh
and to keep it exciting.
So we've got ourselves
a dog!
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
Here she is!
Mmm-mmm.
-Yeah!
-Mmm.
Good girl.
Yeah. She's fantastic.
She is, um, a labradoodle.
So, she's part Labrador
and part poodle.
-Yeah. That makes
her a hybrid.
-Yeah.
We were gonna call her Prius.
But that would've been cruel.
-And she would've eaten a lot
more than we were expecting.
-Yeah.
So. You're not gonna believe
her real name, okay?
This is a work of genius.
Her name
-is Top Gear Dog!
-It's brilliant!
-HAMMOND: It's brilliant!
-And she's in park.
-Yeah. She is.
-She is in park
most of the time.
-Yeah, she is.
The thing is, we've got
the dog, we've got the
frankly brilliant name.
Few problems,
firstly we don't actually
know what to do with it
now we've, um,
now we've got it.
Secondly, as it turns out,
she's completely
terrified of cars.
They make her ill,
which is unfortunate.
And thirdly,
she's not very fond
of James May.
-No, she vomited
on him this morning.
-She did.
All over him. Disgusting.
-Yeah, she did that.
Thing is though, don't worry.
We are still a car show
and we have prepared
a montage of what you can
expect over the coming weeks.
I can see him! He's up there!
Come on, horse!
We're only going 28!
I wasn't expecting that!
Oi! Scallies.
Why can I not just
win something?
Full power! Full power!
Oh, God.
No! No!
No! No! No!
Ooh, I hit an iceberg.
-CLARKSON: You did
hit an iceberg.
-I did. I did.
You did.
All of that...
All of that is to come.
But we thought
we'd kick things off by
taking a look at a new
convertible Nissan Micra.
It's possibly the most
embarrassing car in the whole
of human history.
Yeah, so plainly the job
of testing it would go to
whichever one of us
was most used
to being embarrassed.
And that would be
the one who spent the
early part of this year
on daytime television.
-Him.
HAMMOND: Right. This is it.
It's called the C+C
and it costs £15,000.
Which is a lot.
But that's not my
biggest worry.
Okay. Here goes.
Yup.
Why, oh why
did we have to do this
round by where I live?
The roof takes 22 seconds
to come down.
Which feels like a long time.
But to be honest,
you won't be in a rush
for anyone to see you.
On the plus side it has kept
most of its boot space.
Good for hiding in.
Now, as it is a town car,
we'd best find a town.
This is Ledbury.
It's been a safe
Conservative seat since 1910.
The Daily Mail
sells four million
copies a day here.
The locals
don't like change.
It's also the place
where I do my shopping.
So, this is the
top-of-the-range
Essenza version.
It's got a 1.6 litre,
108 horsepower engine.
It's good for
119 miles an hour.
But you wouldn't wanna
go that fast, because,
with the roof down this
thing wobles like it's
made out of cardboard.
Nissan say
that it's "class-leading..."
Ugh!
Can't do any more.
I've done enough.
I just can't take it.
I'll leave it there.
It's not as though anyone's
gonna steal it, are they?
-Are you going to do
daytime television again?
-No.
-No, I promise.
-No more daytime TV.
Not if driving that
is punishment! No.
How bad is it?
How bad?
Look! Just look at it!
How bad do you think it is?
It just looks like a scrotum.
-It's that embarrassing.
Thing is though, okay,
they've taken a tin-opener
to a Nissan Micra.
They've recently taken
a tin-opener to the
Rolls Royce Phantom.
In fact these days you can buy
a soft-top version of just
about everything.
But nobody has ever made
a convertible people carrier.
Why not?
How hard can it be?
CLARKSON: This is
a Renault Espace,
probably the best
of the people carriers.
Not that that's
much to shout about.
That's like saying,
"Ooh good, I've got syphilis,
the best of the sexually
transmitted diseases."
Look at that!
Piddington. Says it all!
"I've got a people carrier.
I'm a bit of a Piddington."
Behind the wheel of a car
like this you feel like
you're drowning
in wallpaper paste.
So we're going to
see if we can liven
it up a little bit
by cutting its head off.
You see, the good thing
about the Espace is,
because it's got
a proper chassis
-and just a plastic body...
-Yes.
We can take the roof off
and theoretically
it won't make it
-you know too weak and...
-Theoretically?
'Cause you've
done this before anyway.
-Yes, I have.
It didn't go well.
-How not well?
Well, I took the roof off
and the whole car
split in half.
-You see, that's
very not well indeed.
-It snapped.
But this time,
he is going to be
our project leader.
-I'm gonna in charge...
-CLARKSON: And he had
an ambitious plan.
This is my detailed
engineering drawing
of what I think we can do.
Because it's a very long car,
I don't think we can make
a roof that all folds into the
little boot area.
So what I've done is,
I've divided it up
into two bits.
This bit at the back
is on a frame.
In the middle,
I'm proposing
this removable hoop.
Can this be put up
and taken down in under,
let's say, a day?
Yeah. Yeah,
a couple of minutes.
-No, two minutes is too long.
-Why don't I believe you?
The modern convertible
is a two-second job.
-My SLK.
-Yeah.
You're talking about
a camping holiday here.
Almost, but the point is...
You said you were an expert!
No. I never said
I was an expert.
I just had an idea.
What you've done is
design an awning that
you can put over your car.
CLARKSON: The next
squabble was over
the pathetic cutting tools
that James had provided.
-Perfect.
-You're quaking
already with fear.
-I'm not quaking
with anything. Honestly, I...
A chicken.
Anybody for the leg?
-Ooh, it's a bit tough!
-You'd be surprised.
-It's stupid.
CLARKSON: With our
nanny-state spectacles on,
it was time to get cracking.
This mail-order carving knife
that James has
brought is useless!
CLARKSON: So, I left
Hammond and May to it
and went to rent
something a little more manly.
Ah! Now that's what
I'm talking about!
-You know what
I've just thought of?
-MAY: What?
I'm cutting through the roof
and I'm standing on it.
-Yeah.
-We were hoping
you wouldn't realise.
MAY: Now,
the important thing when
cutting through the pillars
is to protect the glass.
CLARKSON: I knew it!
I broke the window a bit.
Yeah.
I've done a bad thing there,
haven't I?
-Well, it's still convertible!
-Hammond.
-Yes? Yes.
-You see this window?
-That would've been fine.
We don't need that one.
-You've broken one!
-We do need that one
and you broke it!
-Yeah.
MAY: We now had
to be extra careful
not to break any more.
Now, you're gonna
have to do this.
Hah! That was yours!
I didn't touch it!
-Yeah, you did.
-I didn't touch it!
-You did.
-You had the saw at the time.
MAY: With half the windows
gone, it was time to
remove the roof.
-How we gonna...
-Well, it's plastic,
it won't weigh anything.
So you grab that side.
-We ready?
-Yeah. Yep.
One, two, three, go!
What do you mean
it doesn't weigh anything?
It weighs a ton!
-It's like someone's
Espace has sunk!
That is cool!
-That's excellent!
-It looks brilliant!
You've sawn
through the sun visor.
And one of the seat belts.
-You know what
I'm thinking now?
-What?
-Yeah! Yeah!
This is brilliant!
I'm not joking! If anything,
it's better to drive
than the ordinary one
because it still
feels as stiff.
But you've got,
look, the world!
We have made something
truly wonderful.
James doesn't look very happy.
-What's up with him?
-He's a bit freezing!
-Do you want the heater on?
-Shut up!
Put the heater on
and see if it makes
any difference!
-I'll put it on warm.
-Ah! That's better. Thanks.
CLARKSON: Now,
though, it was time
for the tricky bits.
Building our roof.
James was in charge
of the frame.
Hammond was
in charge of the fasteners.
And I had the tough job,
cutting and sewing the canvas.
You know you
want it 57 inches wide?
-Yeah?
-The material you bought
is 55 inches wide.
No matter.
My sewing skills
would compensate.
You never forget, really.
It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget how to sew.
CLARKSON: Oh, damn and blast!
What?
What have you done?
I've sewn myself
to the machine!
-Don't!
James untangled me and
asked me to help create
a hoop for his frame.
-You've got that bit perfectly
vertical in that, right?
-Yup. Here we go.
This is the critical component
of the whole design.
-And then that goes
at right angles?
-Yep.
-Oh, you utter klutz!
Again. Top Gear,
ambitious, but rubbish!
CLARKSON: This may
take some time.
Yes, and so we shall
pick that up later.
But now the news.
And we start with
the recent rise
in petrol prices.
Yes, we do. I wanna start,
if I may, by talking about
organic peace crisps.
-HAMMOND: Eh?
-You know the
organic ones? Yeah?
They're about
20p a pack more than
proper crisps. Okay?
The only difference is
they've been fertilized
with the excrement,
-human excrement
of a Mexican farmer. Okay?
-Right.
-No, that's true.
And nobody minds
paying the 20p a pack more.
But if petrol goes up 1p,
everyone runs around waving
their arms in the air.
-Fair point.
-And the thing is this, okay?
If you buy those crisps,
the 20p goes to the
Mexican sewage industry.
If you buy petrol
the money goes to the
Government who spend it
letting out foreign prisoners
so they can stab people.
Well, that's the
way I see it.
Can I talk briefly about
these four-seater cabriolets?
Ordinary four-seater cars
that've been
turned into cabriolets.
They've never worked with
those metal folding roofs.
And the reason is...
Well, if you look at them,
they're a bit ungainly.
-Things like the Peugeot one,
the Renault Megane one.
-They're French!
No! The reason is...
No, the reason is
they had to try
and minimise
the amount of roof that
you had to fold away.
To do that they
extended the windscreen
back halfway along the car
so they look ungainly.
No, it's because
they're French, and the French
always like to be first.
They didn't know how to
do the roofing. It's like
the French did that
first face transplant.
You know.
-Yes.
- We don't
know what we're doing.
We have the
bottom of a baboon,
we'll put it on.
There we are. It's a face!
Well, we're first.
Either way, with your theory.
The point is VW think they
might have cracked this
four-seater, metal, folding
roof cabriolet thing
with the Eos.
-We have a picture of it. Now.
-Hmm.
You see, that looks great!
And the reason it looks great
is that the roof doesn't
extend all the way back.
Look, that's a handsome car.
It is, I'm looking forward
to driving that.
It costs about
£19,500 to 26,000.
You can get a 3.2-litre V6.
For sale in July.
-Jeremy? Did you, uh...
-Yeah?
Did you come here
in your GT today?
-No.
-No!
-Did you decide to
leave it at home this week?
-Yeah!
You know perfectly well
why I'm not in my GT today.
HAMMOND: So you left...
Is it at home?
-No! It's at the menders!
-Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Now, the thing is, okay,
all the stuff that was put on
in England went wrong
as we knew before, okay.
One of the
things they supplied
was the trickle charger.
Put it away in the garage
in October. October 4th.
On October 5th, it seems
the trickle charger blew up.
So the battery wasn't being
charged. When I came to
start it, it wouldn't start.
Got a new trickle charger.
Six weeks later, this morning.
Right, here we go.
Alarm came off perfectly.
All the lights came on.
Pushed the button to start
and all that started
-was the rear
right-hand indicator.
We're not laughing.
-That start button. Have you
ever thought of writing...
-Yeah.
-"This is only the..."
-"Start of your problems!"
-Yes.
The thing is, I've...
I think
I'm right in saying,
I've never completed
a single journey anywhere
there and back in it. Ever.
Which must make it
the most unreliable
car ever made.
In fact, if you've got
a more unreliable one,
why don't you
write to us at...
"Actually I've got a Peugeot."
BBC Top Gear.
-201 Wood Lane
"London W12.
There's a man with a Peugeot!
Skip on down!
Bad news. Bad news.
While we were off air,
some environmentalists
broke into our track...
Oh, yeah.
And attempted to make,
well, their own version
of Top Gear.
-Yeah.
-Now, we've managed
to obtain their rushes,
their footage, and we'd like
to show you what they came
up with, if we may here.
Here's their chief presenter.
He's a chap called
David Cameron.
Green pressure group
called the Conservative Party.
-That is the host, look.
That is our track.
He's getting into
a Ford Focus.
-With "Bio-Ethanol"
written on it.
-Yeah.
CLARKSON: And away he goes.
He's going into the
Hammer Head.
He must be doing
16 miles an hour now.
-HAMMON: It's not very good
this show, is it?
-CLARKSON: No!
I don't think the
environmentalists have quite
got the hang of it at all.
-Oh, look, he's got
an invalid carriage!
-HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
CLARKSON:
There's someone in it,
showing him how it works.
That's the rear-view mirror.
You'll need that.
-There'll be loads of
stuff behind you mate!
He's off. In his electric car.
Oh, no!
He's turned the indicator on.
I wouldn't do that.
You'll wear the battery down.
No... Yes... He's doing...
Wait a minute. What's wrong?
Oh, it's out of juice.
Told him not to use
the indicator. You see.
A professional would've
known that.
Wait a minute. He's being
pursued here by a woman
in suspiciously flat shoes.
What she wants to know is
whether the reason he came
to the Top Gear track
was to send a message
to Top Gear.
Jeremy Clarkson is
actually my neighbour,
in my constituency.
We live next-door
to each other.
We agree about many things.
But I'm afraid the environment
isn't really one of them.
-You can say that
again, sunshine!
-Wasn't very good,
that was it?
-No, it wasn't.
--Wasn't good at all.
-I don't think they
got the hang of it.
MAY: Hey now,
have a look at this.
This is a Saab concept car.
It's called the Aero X.
I think it looks
actually pretty good.
Would you agree?
Yeah, no,
it does look fantastic.
And it's got,
they say, the canopy
of a jet fighter.
That's not needed.
The only reason to have
a canopy on a jet fighter
-is so you can see
MiGs behind you.
-Yes.
They're not gonna come at you
out of the sun on the M4,
are they?
Exactly. Exactly.
That's the nature
of my complaint.
None of this stuff
ever gets made.
It's all lies, isn't it?
-Do you remember that
Honda Civic concept car?
-Mmm-hmm.
They said this thing is
gonna have triangular
exhaust pipes
and the door handles
were gonna be like
space rockets.
They said it was
gonna be marvelous.
MAY: But guess what? It is.
This? This is
something different.
Yes, it has a normal engine.
And, yes,
it has four normal doors.
And a normal hatchback.
And yes, it's made in Britain.
But look at it.
I was expecting
a '60s tower block.
And they've given
us the Guggenheim.
Look at these headlights.
And this Honda
badge inside a Perspex
trophy cabinet.
It's very Flash Gordon.
The back end also
looks as though it's come
from outer space.
And like I said,
the door handles
look like the rockets
that'll take you there.
And this is a Honda Civic.
Inside, they've continued
the new tradition
of breaking with tradition.
This dashboard
is really groovy.
You've got a huge rev counter
with a mystical
blue halo around it.
It even tells you,
look at this.
Whether or not your
kids in the back have
got their seat belts on.
And even that hazard
warning button
is a thing of beauty.
It's translucent
and looks like a boiled sweet.
They're the sort of features
you used to find in Citroens
during their magnificent
quirky era.
But as this is a Civic,
they probably won't fall off.
You just know that
you'll still be enjoying this
when you're as old as...
Well, as old as
most Honda drivers are.
Now, this is a car
you might actually buy,
so forgive me while I take a
moment to deal with some
real-world road test stuff.
Prices. This is
a mid-range 1.8.
It costs around £15,000.
That's about the same
as a Ford Focus,
a bit less than
a VW Golf. Fine.
The 1.8 petrol is reasonably
quick in a straight line
as is the 2.2 diesel.
And they both seem
to be able to go around
corners without crashing.
But there is some bad news.
The ride. Once you start
going faster, it just
gets a bit too choppy.
And, frankly, it could do with
a bit more sound insulation.
I mean, I like an engine
as much as anybody.
But I like it to be a fizzy V6
handcrafted in Italy.
This.
That's a rather dreary
four-pot from rainy Swindon.
But these flaws aren't enough
to put me off
because Honda has
had the courage to keep
the fabulous stuff we liked
when we saw this
as a concept car.
These fantastic triangular
exhausts, for example.
And then there's
the big, red starter button.
I know it doesn't sound much,
but if you come out
of a Little Chef
on a wet Wednesday
afternoon and you have to go
to a marketing conference
that could just be enough to
make you think, "No, I won't
kill myself after all."
What this car does is
something that the old
Civic could never do,
something a Golf or a Focus
or an Astra can't do either.
Let me put it this way,
the space shuttle only does
a job and it's white
but you'd never call it
a white good.
Right, we've already said
hello to our new dog
and as you can see,
we have a new studio.
But now it's time
to say a very sad farewell
to our reasonably priced car.
Yep. Sorry, but after
1,600 laps of the track,
10 of which with Johnny Vegas
at the wheel...
It's been through 400 tyres,
400 brake pads,
six clutches,
two gear linkages
and a wing mirror.
And now I'm afraid
it's time to put the
old Liana out to stud.
Yes, it is.
But let's meet the car
that will be replacing it.
Anyone want to guess
what it is?
-What do you think?
-What do you think?
Shout out.
-Chrysler.
-A what?
A Chrysler, no.
Not a Kia. It is in fact...
We got ourselves a Chevy!
-We have. Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait!
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
-No!
I think they think
it's a Corvette.
-They think it's a Corvette.
-No. It's not a Corvette.
Or a Camaro.
But, hey, here it is.
The new car.
You know it as
the Daewoo Nubira
-but it's not, it's a Lacetti.
-Look at that!
£10,000 worth of
Korean reasonableness.
Wow!
1.8 litres.
119 brake horsepower.
-Top speed... I know!
Top speed, a dizzying
121 miles an hour.
-Mmm-mmm.
-So it's more powerful
than the Liana
and, of course,
faster than the Liana.
which means our old
celebrity lap time board
is now redundant.
Yeah, so we got
ourselves a new one.
And to get some
names and some times
on it straightaway
we're not having
a star guest this week.
Instead, we hosted a sort of
drop-in coffee morning
for lots of them.
Richard and I arrived early
to set up the coffee
and the cakes.
-That's coffee and tea, yeah?
-Yeah. Two sorts of jam.
-Right, all we need now
are some celebrities.
-Yeah.
Is it gonna be
like Love Island?
You know,
where they're all only famous
'cause they once bought
a car from someone
who lived in
Anthea Turner's old house?
No, no, no,
I've invited everyone in here.
Every single person in here
has an invite.
-We're not gonna have
enough biscuits, mate.
-No, it'll be fine.
CLARKSON: Our first guest
was a bit of a surprise,
because we had no idea
who he was.
-Who is he?
-Haven't got a clue.
-Don't tell me you don't know.
-No idea.
-You can say hello.
-Hi, how are you?
-Welcome to Top Gear.
-Thank you very much.
-This is Richard.
-Hi.
-Hi, Richard.
-So...
So... Done anything
like this before?
-No, I'm a complete
novice really at this.
-Really?
CLARKSON: Desperately
we fished for clues which
would give us a name.
So what are you up
to these days?
I'm starting a bar
and restaurant in Spain
and trying to wean myself
off television work.
-No! Oh, my God!
-Yeah.
-You sound disappointed.
-No.
-You do quite a lot of
driving, don't you?
-Yeah.
-I enjoy driving.
-Yeah.
This was hopeless so we
bunged him in with the Stig
for a few practice laps.
I mean he's only got
a Mercedes 200D
so it's not like
he's a multimillionaire.
What am I gonna
write on the board?
As the well-spoken man
pounded round the track,
a celebrity we'd had on
before turned up.
How are you?
I'm very well.
Alan Davies.
Alan. Alan, Alan.
Alan Davies.
Come along, please.
As Hammond welcomed
the famous Alan Davies,
I explained the new rules
to the well-spoken man.
Now, in the past, okay.
People who came down here
did five or six laps, okay?
Practice laps.
And we took their best time.
-From out of the five.
-From out of the five.
That's not happening any more.
What's happening now is
-you're gonna get
five practice laps, okay?
-Right.
Five. And then on your
sixth lap we get the
stopwatch out.
-Is that okay?
-Fantastic.
So that's it.
You spin off, tough.
Three, two, one! Go!
Best of luck.
Whoever you are.
Here he comes up to Gambon!
Yes, he's still aggressive.
Crossed the line.
I am going to put your time
on the board.
-Oh, gosh, how embarrassing
this is gonna be.
Not as embarrassing
as it is for me.
-Where do you think
you've come?
-Oh, God, I don't know.
-I don't...
The fastest lap you did
was your timed lap. 1:47:6.
Yeah!
-Congratulations.
You're in the lead.
-You are in the lead.
-Thank you for
being so generous.
CLARKSON: Then it was
Alan's turn and he really
was giving it his all.
Look at him!
Wrestling to stay in control
of the powerful Lacetti.
And when he lost it,
it really scared him.
-Oh, my God.
-That's a crash. Oh!
Whilst he was
gormlessly pounding round,
another former guest
turned up, actor Trevor Eve.
Hello.
HAMMOND: I said that's tea,
it may not be.
We're doing well.
So far we've got Alan Davies,
-who's out there as we speak.
-Yeah.
-And there was a man and
we don't know who he was.
-Very smart.
The last time Trevor
had been on the show,
he'd had a bit of a disaster
when the wheel came
off the Liana.
And this time,
while on his fourth
and final practice lap...
I broke this one as well.
What have you done to it?
The clutch has gone.
It's only done 26 miles.
And life for the Lacetti
wasn't about
to get any easier.
-MAN: New studio?
-CLARKSON: New studio.
-But more importantly new car.
-I love what you've done.
The Prince of Darkness
had arrived, Jimmy Carr.
Dressed like an old man,
jeans and a jacket.
Should have greyed up
my hair as well.
-That's Trevor Eve.
Oh, my God!
-He seemed a bit angry.
Are things okay at home?
Trevor was ready
for his timed lap.
This is the handbook
for the car.
Use the following
precautions for the first
few hundred miles.
-Avoid full-throttle starts.
So let's take stock.
Alan had done a 1:50.3.
And as for Trevor Eve?
-Where do you reckon?
-Oh, here we go.
He really, really
missed one, eh?
You were a 1:48.
-Passable in the Suzuki Liana.
-Yeah.
-You did it in one minute...
You 1:47.6 to beat.
-Yeah.
One minute, 40...
-Seven...
-Uh!
-Point...
-Uh!
-Zero.
-Oh!
-You are at the top of
our new board, Trevor Eve.
-Very good.
For how long, though?
-Shouldn't be a problem.
While Jimmy was limbering up,
our next guest arrived.
CLARKSON: Justin
out of The Darkness.
-HAMMOND: There you go.
-I'm freezing.
When the sun's out
it's a beautiful day.
I feel our garden party's
working well.
CLARKSON: Meanwhile.
And he wasn't finished yet.
-Uff.
What you're doing, Jimmy,
is slowly destroying this car.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
And we don't know how many
other celebrities might arrive
this afternoon that wanna go
and we'll have to say,
"Car wrecked."
I'm having a little cry.
My name's Richard.
Three, two, one.
Go!
Well, that happened again.
It's over-firing.
I'm moving back.
As a former lap board leader,
Jimmy couldn't afford
to lose it.
CLARKSON: This is it,
second to last corner.
He's lost it.
No, he's got it back!
HAMMOND: He's lost it.
He's held it.
It's huge! It's huge!
CLARKSON: Oh, she's gone!
He's gone on his timed lap.
-That's cost him.
-HAMMOND: Cost him dear.
That is...
I think I'm in
with a shot, Jeremy.
You did it
in the slowest ever time,
two minutes, 8.9 seconds.
Well done, Jimmy Carr,
that's brilliant.
-Jimmy Carr,
you're down there.
-Truly hopeless.
It's not a good car,
that's what happened there.
CLARKSON: While one rock god
was practising...
Jeez!
...another one arrived,
Rick Wakeman, no less.
If we'd have known
Rick was coming,
I'd have got dry ice
for the whole track.
Justin was giving it all
on his flying lap.
But I'm afraid we'd become
distracted by our very own
concert in the park.
Pray, damn you, pray!
JEREMY:
I'm in the '70s!
I'm in the '70s!
Yeah!
And, for an encore.
-Do you know Les Ferdinand?
-I know of Les Ferdinand.
Les Ferdinand, Justin Hawkins.
Nice to meet you.
1:48.4.
-There you go.
-That's not bad.
That is there.
Up next, rock god senior.
Rick Wakeman's just
announced he's had several
heart attacks in his life.
-Watch it, Rick, watch it.
-Oh! He could let go
at any time.
Now Rick's keyboard solos
are known for being
quite long.
But they were nothing
compared to his lap.
The problem is,
he'll be all over the
dashboard like this.
Yeah.
And through Gambon
on all four wheels.
Rick eventually did it
in 1:55.3,
and then suddenly remembered
that a Les Ferdinand goal
in 1992
had relegated his beloved
football team, Man City.
Rick, you've got to
let it go, Rick.
You ran the whole length
of the pitch, you bloody
well beat everybody
and scored a fantastic goal
and I've never been so
pissed off in my entire life.
Then Rick wanted
one of our lady biscuits.
Three of the lady's cakes
have gone.
Can I ask, um...
It was him.
Things were getting
out of hand.
Oh, you pillock!
We'll have to ask
for that back.
Do you think that man's
wondering what's going on?
Thanks.
So far, Trevor Eve had set
the fastest time of the day.
Les was now the only man
who could beat him, and boy,
was he on a mission.
Everybody, can you be ready?
If he loses it on
the second to last corner,
he's gonna drive
straight through the tea tray.
Wait. This is quick.
No, it's too quick!
-That was rally driving.
-Yes, it was.
-I wanted to be up there.
I'm not sure I've done it.
You've got 1:47 to beat.
One,
40...
-Seven...
-Oh, you're joking!
-Point four.
-So if I hadn't gone off there
I'd have smashed that.
-You'd have smashed it.
-I would have smashed that...
-That was a good time.
-It was a good time.
HAMMOND: But he's never
going to be happy with it.
I'm not happy.
Don't clap for me.
Don't clap for that.
He's going to play
something suitable.
Does that make you
feel better?
I'm just gonna sulk off
and walk down there.
That's the walking away music,
isn't it?
He's never, ever going to...
Look.
This is now weird.
Bit difficult to tell, really,
after a day like that,
but we think that
the new Lacetti may be around
a second a lap quicker
than the old Liana.
But we'll find out
for certain next week
when the star in
a reasonably priced
car feature returns to normal.
Anyway, enough of that.
It's time for diesel news!
Now, this is a JCB.
It's powered by
a four-cylinder diesel engine
which develops round about
125 brake horsepower.
And then of course gives it
a top speed of 6mph.
However, they've now
taken two of those engines,
they've spanked them up
to 750 horsepower each
and they've put them both
in that.
Yes, this is the Diesel Max.
And it's JCB's
attempt at breaking the
world land speed record
for diesel powered cars.
Now this JCB isn't gonna be
driven by a bloke in a vest
with his bum crack showing.
It will in fact be driven
by the current absolute world
land speed record holder,
Wing Commander Andy Green.
Who, from the size of
the thing, in order to get in,
he must be about six.
Indeed. And assuming
he does get in,
they're going to take it
to the Bonneville Salt Flats
in America,
where they are going
to be attempting to crack
300 miles an hour.
And if they do do that,
they'll dig it all up so that
no-one else can have a go.
Enough. I've an
announcement to make.
On April 14,
at precisely 3:00
in the afternoon,
I bade farewell to
the greatest love
of my life.
I gave up smoking.
And don't we know it!
I'm calm, I'm calm.
And you see the thing is,
okay, there are a number
of products on the market
to help get over
the craving, okay?
There's this chap
who helps himself
to everything in your wallet
every time you want a fag.
There's DVDs, there's books,
there's gum, there's patches.
But the thing is
I have now found the
greatest cure for the craving.
It comes from Sweden
and it's called
a Koenigsegg CCX.
The first Koenigsegg
was quite a car.
It still holds the record for
the biggest speeding ticket
ever issued.
242 miles an hour
in Texas.
Road tested that car
a couple of years ago
and it was a nightmare
for our camera crews
'cause they couldn't
keep up with it
in the panning shots.
And I don't think
they're gonna like this one
much either 'cause, um,
it's even faster.
The old car topped out on
our runway at 174mph.
So let's see what
this one can do.
0-60, 3.2 seconds.
I'm already at 158.
175, 178, 183,
188, 190.
It's getting awfully edgy.
Oh, my God, it's swerving!
It's really... This is bad.
What a machine!
That's quicker than anything
that's been here before.
By a long way.
Given enough space,
this will get to
250 miles an hour.
And that puts it awfully close
to the Bugatti Veyron.
There are three main reasons
for this.
It's very light. The whole car
is made from carbon fibre.
It's also very slippery.
It has the drag coefficient
of a fish.
But mostly, the oomph comes
from under the bonnet.
The old car had
a Ford engine which developed
655 brake horsepower.
This one has an engine
made by Koenigsegg themselves.
It's a twin-supercharged
4.7-litre V8
and it develops
806 brake horsepower.
806 brake horsepower.
That's about that much.
And that's on that
limp-wristed fairy liquid,
the Americans call petrol.
If you run this on the more
explosive jungle juice
we have here in Europe
you'll be getting 850bhp.
Oh, and I'll give you
a little tip.
If you tune this engine to
run on environmentally
friendly bio-fuel,
you'll be getting
900 brake horsepower.
Should get Bill Oddie
one of these.
For the first time in weeks,
I can put my hand on
my heart right now and say,
"I don't want a cigarette."
I just want more of this!
Who needs nicotine?
The sound is just astonishing!
I think Koenigsegg
is Swedish for, "Oh, no!
My head's just exploded!"
And in here,
no one can hear you scream.
It really does
beg a question,
why have they fitted a radio?
You couldn't even hear
Chris Moyles on that.
The reason why
it has a radio is
the same reason why this
new car is slightly taller
than the old one,
because it's supposed
to be easier to drive
and easier to live with.
You still get the mad doors
that open vertically.
Although you want to make sure
you don't park alongside a
tall kerb for obvious reasons.
And you still get this roof
which lifts out so that the
car becomes a convertible.
Inside, you still get
the Blake's 7 controls,
but because it's now taller,
even Dennis Rodman
could fit behind the wheel
and experience the terror.
And I do mean terror.
I mean, this develops more
than 800 brake horsepower,
but there's no rear spoiler
to push those massive rear
tyres into the road.
There's no
traction control either.
And the rear window
is just, um...
It's just a porthole,
so you can't see
what's behind.
Still, the time has come
to show it some corners
and see what's what.
Unlike any other supercar,
a Ford TT or a Zonda or
even an Enzo,
this doesn't feel
sanitised or tame.
It's just completely
wild and mad.
It's raw, vicious,
unbridled power.
And if you overstep the mark,
even slightly, it'll kill you.
The old car was
very, very fast and
very difficult to drive.
This is even faster and still
very difficult to drive. Whoa!
Koenigsegg say this is more
comfortable, but more
comfortable than what?
Being stabbed?
God, it's fun, though!
In recent weeks,
a craving for nicotine
has made me angry
with everything, even trees.
It's just completely
the wrong colour.
What's this? It's a twig.
Why? Why is it there?
Look at it!
But here with the Koenigsegg,
I have found a substitute
for smoking.
It's called smoking!
Grown-up car with no roof.
So, come on, then,
how much is this
giant nicotine patch?
£415,000.
So it is quite a lot cheaper
to smoke?
It's safer to smoke as well.
You know I've been banging on
about the rear wing
on the back of it, okay?
You don't need
a rear wing on the back
of your Vauxhall Corsa.
-No, you don't.
-Or a Ford Fiesta
but a car like this,
I think really does
need one, something to push
the back end down.
Anyway, we must now
find out how fast it goes
round our track,
so we must hand it over
to our tame racing driver.
Some say that his ears
aren't exactly where
you'd expect them to be,
and that once, preposterously,
he had an affair
with John Prescott.
All we know is
he's called The Stig.
Away he goes and this car
really is within a shout of
setting a new lap record here.
Does sound a bit like
The Stig's short-shifting,
but they have taken off
the rev limit.
He doesn't want
to lunch the engine.
First corner there.
Ooh! You see, the back's
stepping out already,
but he's on it in a moment.
MAN: Do you have a map?
That should explain Stig's
new in-car entertainment
is languages for beginners.
And this week, it's Italian.
Holding that.
Chicago nicely done.
Spit of flame.
Here's the Hammerhead.
This could be where
it all comes undone.
No, no, he's holding
onto that beautifully.
Snap of over steer
on the way out.
Now he can
really open the taps.
MAN: An ice cream, please.
Over 800 horsepower charging
up towards the tyre wall.
This should be quick.
Come on, Stig.
Keep it on, keep it on.
Oh-ho! Looking good!
Two corners left.
Don't throw it
all away here, Stig.
You've got the Zonda to beat.
Zonda's in sight.
Only Gambon left.
Hard on the brakes,
turn in,
flick of opposite lock
and across the line!
-So? Does it?
-So?
Okay.
It has got
the Zonda F to beat.
That's 1:18.4.
Gotta know. Come on.
And it did it in 1:20.4.
-Oh!
-Right down here.
You see, all that power,
but without the down force,
there it is.
CCX, that's the difference.
-Yeah, correctly spelt.
-Yeah. The quicker one.
Do you know,
I think the only time
that Zonda F
is going to get
knocked off the board,
is when Bugatti
finally let us put
a Veyron round our track.
You say that,
but having posted this time,
Stig said, "You know what?
"I reckon if
I don't short-shift
"and I'm a bit more brave
in the corners,
"I reckon I can go
faster than that."
-Who'd like to see
that attempt?
-Yes, please.
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Play the tape.
Right, he's off again
and this is the one. Okay.
Into Chicago,
he's really, really piling
it on through there.
Look at that.
So beautifully controlled.
Hammerhead. Feeling for grip.
I've gotta say,
that does look faster.
Now, go on, power!
Come on, Stig!
Get on the power!
806 brake horsepower
thundering down at 130 mph.
He's lost the back...
He's lost it! He's off!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
That's a big one.
That's the first time
The Stig's ever, ever
been off this track.
Here it is again
in slow-motion.
You can see
the back steps out,
no down force, he corrects it,
but there just isn't enough
track and that's a big tyre
wall he's been through there.
God! That is a big accident.
That is a properly
big accident.
-It's so... Look,
it's eaten the tyre wall!
Look, there's the advantage
of carbon fibre for you.
-Hardly any damage at all.
-Cheap to repair as well.
Well, cheaper than chewing gum
with nicotine in it,
that's for sure.
Thing is though, okay,
after the accident,
Stig said, he reckons this car
would be four seconds
faster than it was
if it had a big wing
on the back,
so Koenigsegg have announced
that they're going to take it
back to Sweden,
put a wing on it, then they're
going to bring it back here to
see what it can really do.
-That I want to see.
Definitely.
-So do I.
Now earlier on in the
programme we embarked
on a little project
to see how hard it could be
to make a convertible
people carrier.
CLARKSON: Behind these doors,
we had created a masterpiece.
As you can see,
Hammond's done a very
thorough job along here
of anchoring the roof
at the front.
We've replaced the glass
that was broken and that
obviously does tuck
under there.
This...
That's not a safety feature.
There's James's
folding arrangement
that gets it all down,
but it's the back
where we're really pleased,
because what we've done
is we've cut the
tailgate in half.
So you come back
with heavy shopping,
you undo all these,
takes no more
than five or 10 minutes
and then we've
hinged it here, so you can
pull the whole thing open
and load up the boot.
I mean, yes, there are
one or two rough edges.
Here, for example.
But on the whole,
we are very proud of it.
To see how good
our roof would be in
real world conditions,
the production team came up
with a number of tests.
-Now, our first challenge.
-Yes, indeed. Let's have it,
professor. Right.
No idea what this is.
"Challenge One, you must drive
the car with the roof up
at the speed of 100mph
"without anything
breaking or falling off."
Well, it won't.
Good. Let's do it.
MAY: Obviously,
we couldn't do this
on the road,
so we went to the
Millbrook Proving Ground
in Bedfordshire,
where there's a two-mile
banked circuit.
-It's been nice, chaps.
Working with you.
-Yeah!
Normally, I wouldn't wear
a helmet for this.
-No, but on this occasion...
-But today I am.
-Are you ready, boys?
-Yeah! Braced and ready.
-Here we go!
-Do it!
35, 36 miles an hour.
There's a bit of a draft here
from these windows.
Wouldn't they have
to look at that?
Things were going well
until we blasted past
the 50 mile an hour barrier.
-Guys!
-What?
Car issues
happening back here.
-What's with...
-Oh, no!
-The stitching is rubbish!
-Oh, no!
-MAY: It's fine. Keep going.
-It's your stitching...
That's because your
stitching came apart.
-Oh-oh. What was that?
-It's all collapsed
in the back!
It's on my head.
-It's still on!
-My head's holding it up!
-That's fine.
-Just stay where you are.
CLARKSON: 65, 66!
-Here we go!
-69!
ALL: Yes!
She's breaking up!
She's breaking up!
Come on,
you useless piece of junk!
I am now part of it!
I'm structurally integral
to the roof!
It's really not good
back here!
96!
It's not good!
It's not good, at all!
97!
-Yeah!
CLARKSON:
It's 100 miles an hour!
I'm easing her down now.
I'm easing her down.
So, we'd survived that.
Just.
And Richard and I decided
to get the roof down.
James said this would take
but a moment.
Surely if we...
Where does that go?
Neatness we can work on.
See, from a distance,
it actually looks quite good!
Look at that!
This isn't its best side
though, 'cause it's got
the hinges on it.
It looks better
from the other side!
Righto! Next challenge!
You must now go to
Woburn Abbey Safari Park,
and drive your convertible
through the
wild animal enclosures.
Righto.
Fine.
-Well, there are lions.
-You don't want to worry
about the lions.
It's the monkeys
you've got to worry about.
What?
Have you seen a lion?
Massive, pointy teeth.
Monkeys.
They don't scare me.
I do 'cause they're
Barbary ape monkeys
and they're really vicious.
They've got really,
really vicious teeth.
All right, put it this way.
If you were to be locked in
a phone box for half an hour
-with A, a monkey
or B, a lion...
-Exactly.
-There you go.
What would you go for?
-The lion.
-What?
-Because monkeys,
in confined spaces,
those Barbary monkeys,
they panic and they get
really incredibly violent.
CLARKSON: I just love the way
that James thinks that monkeys
are in some way
the greatest peril
we're facing in the
next hour of our lives.
Normally, Woburn does not
allow convertibles into its
dangerous animal enclosures,
but they were so impressed
with the structural integrity
of ours,
they made an exception.
Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm scared.
Look, it's like Jurassic Park!
Should I film?
It is Jurassic Park.
Please keep your doors
and windows closed
and under no circumstances,
go in in a homemade
convertible Renault Espace.
-These animals...
-ALL: May bite!
MAY: The African lion.
Six tonnes of
muscle and teeth.
To anyone from Woburn.
Have these lions been fed?
MAN: No, they're on
a starve day today.
Excuse me, it's Jeremy again.
Did you say they were
on a starve day?
Yes. We feed them
twice a week,
which is more similar
to the feeding regime
they'd have in the wild.
So when did they last eat?
Two days ago.
Yeah, but...
If you mention monkeys,
I'm throwing you out!
-Whoa, stop, stop!
-Holy mother!
-That'd be the spine of...
-That's the last person who
came through in a convertible.
To him, we look like
a sandwich box
with a lid half off.
HAMMOND: Fortunately,
the lions had other things
on their minds.
-Oh, look, what's going on?
-Oh, no, he's...
HAMMOND: That's lion porn!
-Oh, what are you doing, man?
-What if he tries
to do that to us?
MAY: With my point made,
we left the lions
and headed for the peril
of the monkeys.
Oh, aah! Monkeys!
Some of them
are like a foot tall!
He's eating a carrot!
Look what he's doing to it!
But then, a really
big one rocked up.
-Attack monkey!
-Aargh! Get off!
-That's a Barbary ape,
that's who he is.
-No, you've got to stay there
after you mocked me!
-Bugger off!
Ooh, another one
on the front.
Please can we go?
CLARKSON: We had to leave
with our roof mascot
still in place
because it was time for
our final challenge.
"Modern convertibles
are capable of driving through
automated carwash machines.
"You must now do the same
with your car."
CLARKSON: The carwash
selected for the test
was brand new.
It had cost the owner
a million pounds and featured
the latest technology
to deliver the
cleaning power of
a category five hurricane.
MAY: Has anyone else suddenly
become slightly nervous?
HAMMOND: Yes, I'm terrified.
I'm scared.
-It's quite cold this evening
as well, isn't it?
-Yeah.
MAY: It's bloody freezing.
Let's have the
heater on a bit.
Yeah.
-Ooh, here we go!
I'm not nervous.
-No, I'm not nervous.
-It's fine.
-It'll be good, it'll just...
You know, flap around a bit.
-My confidence is waning.
-I'm dry!
Yeah.
There's a light mist
coming in to the car.
No, that's just condensation.
It's a bit of mist,
but that's fine.
CLARKSON: I'm dry still!
-I'm wet now!
-I've suddenly got a bad, bad,
bad feeling about this.
CLARKSON: There's a great
big roller coming up!
The window's come in
and the roof isn't...
-Oh! Oh, my God!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
-I'm trying to!
-The door locks aren't...
-Get out!
-I can't get out!
-Get out on this side!
I'm out!
-I can't watch!
-You have to go through there!
-Are you through?
-Just get out.
Get out. Just get out.
-Keep running.
-Run!
Over there!
-That's bad.
-That was bad.
-Uh, it's on fire.
-BOTH: It's what?
-Absolutely murdered...
-It can't be on fire!
It's on fire. It's on fire.
Just run.
Just run.
Oops!
The thing is...
The thing is, we managed
to set fire to something
that's basically
made of water!
How did you do that?
Did you see the owner
of the carwash afterwards?
He was cross. Very cross.
He was especially cross
when I rang him up and
asked him for our £3.50 back.
-Not good.
-We asked earlier on
how hard it would be
to make a convertible
people carrier.
-The answer is very.
-Yeah, very.
And on that
crushing disappointment,
it's time to end the show,
so from the four of us,
thanks for watching.
See you next week,
good night!