Top Gear (2002–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - Winter Olympics - full transcript

JEREMY: So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy

which,   when you look at the place,   seems to be a bit too warm.

That's why we're in Norway.

A proper winter country.

And we've got some  proper winter sports  lined up for you.

So welcome, then,  to the Top Gear  Winter Olympics.

It's the Winter   Olympics speeded up a bit.

Right. We'll begin  with the biathlon.

Now, normally, this is a combination of skiing and shooting.

But since this is Top Gear,  we'll be driving and shooting.

--JAMES: Let's start   by meeting the contestants.



I shall be using this.

The new Audi Q7.

Audi's first attempt   to make a school run 4x4.

You see, the Q7 is based loosely on the Porsche Cayenne,

but with all  the really hardcore,  off-road stuff taken out.

So it's a bit like  having your big snow boots

made by that  Jimmy Choo's bloke.

It's a full   three inches longer   than a Land Rover Discovery

and it's a full 3%   uglier than a troll.

But there are some   good things about it.

It has a very, very good  V6 3-litre diesel engine,

an excellent gear box  and, most importantly,  it has seven seats.

And the price for this, the 3-litre diesel SE?

Just under £40,000.



Very good.

The second sort of  semi off-roader for families.

But what's  the point of being second?

That's like driving  around in Buzz Aldrin.

I'd much rather  have Neil Armstrong.

So here he is.   The car I'll be using   as I bid for Olympic gold.

It's the Volvo XC90.

This was the first seven-seat 4x4

designed by  someone who had children.

Not by an engineer who had  read about them in a book.

It's a brilliant car.  Really is.

It's not mumsy.  It's not gittish.

It's like the family pet.  It's like having a faithful,  old Labrador.

There's more, too.

It's got a smooth,   new diesel engine,

it's more spacious than the Audi and it's £4,000 cheaper.

So, which is best?

The Labrador or Buzz Aldrin?

Well, that's what we're going to find out in our biathlon.

The rules are very simple.

You drive three kilometres  around the course,

stop, shoot at five targets,

and there's a five  second time penalty for every miss.

Yeah. Then we do another three kilometres on another course,

come back here,  shoot at the targets again,

this time lying down in the back of the cars,

then it's a sprint to the finish.

The winner,  that will be me, gets gold

and the loser  gets to eat some golden snow.

Come on!

JEREMY:   James grabbed an early lead   in his more powerful Audi.

Whoa!

And in my   enthusiasm to catch him up...

Trees!

Oh (BLEEP).

Oh, I love the Winter Olympics, me.

JEREMY:   He would because Captain Slow   was now well ahead.

I don't want to eat golden snow.

It's bumpy.

Biathletes, they need to eat  6,000 calories a day. 6,000!

That's the equivalent of two pounds of butter,

70 slices of bread, 112 eggs,

86 tubs of yogurt,  28 potatoes,

117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars.

On that basis,  I could be  an Olympic biathlete.

Thanks to my off, James had   already arrived at   the shooting ranges.

Magazine in.

Now, your real  biathlete arrives here

with his heart doing  about 180 beats per minute.

And he has to time this with his heartbeat and his breathing.

Shooting range.

Five out of five  to beat, Volvo man.

I don't care about his score

because not only is  he using the wrong car,  he's using the wrong gun.

.22 is all right  when you're nine,

but when you're in a hurry,  you need one of these.

A Heckler & Koch  MP5 machine pistol.

Okay. Fully automatic.

Eat lead, Olympic target!

Oh, yeah.

Staggeringly,   I'd missed the lot.

So that was   a five second penalty   for each one.

Oh, 25 seconds is a week!

Nice and sideways there. Drop it down one.

Okay, I'm about a minute behind Captain Slow.

There's a lot of time  to be made up. Power!

Yow! Airborne!

Diesel, of course,  is excellent for off-roading.

As we're demonstrating now  when I turn this  one in really tight.

Give it a bit of boot.

Environmentalists say

that when  the Gulf Stream stops,  Britain will look like this.

Bring it on!

JAMES: With Clarkson nowhere   in sight, I arrived back at   the rifle range.

And this time,   we had to fire lying down   from inside the car,

which meant dropping the rear seats.

Right. Headrest out, down.

That's it.

In the Q7, it was a doddle.

I press that. That's it.

Take cover.

Come on!

Oh, cock.  I've missed a couple.

JEREMY: Oh, May! You're in the middle of the road!

(HORN HONKING)

(CHUCKLING)

Stop beeping your horn.

-JEREMY: Have you missed any?  -Yeah.

Good, he's in the penalty bin.  Right.

Seats down.

Now, the good thing is

I actually have one  of these cars at home.

Well, how does that go down?

That's not it.

(GRUNTING)

I'm stuck.

How can I not know?

I'm gonna have  to phone my wife.

Hi, darling...

No, I know.  I pulled the handle.

Oh, the what?

Okay, thanks. Aha!

Go on.

It's flat enough.

Lower that. There we go.

Of course,  the great thing about  Jeremy's shooting is

that you are perfectly safe  just as long as you stand  right in front of the target.

JEREMY: Actually, I'd learnt   my lesson and I wasn't   gonna miss this time.

So with James thundering along, I was back in the penalty box.

Stevie Wonder could have done better.

A bit of air.

That's...

That's excellent.

But then James stopped   thundering and   started crashing.

God.

God.

--MAN: (ON RADIO) James is off!   James is off!

James is off? Yes!

I mean, no. Oh, no.

Oh, poor James.

Never has a Volvo  been driven like this before.

-That's him.  -That's James.

Come on, I can catch him!

Sod off, Clarkson!

We are neck and neck  as we're coming to the finish.

No! He's gonna get ahead!

He's on the outside.  This is looking good.

Oh, that's a mistake.

JEREMY: Come on! Under steer!

Oh, he's coming through!

Come on! Come on! Yes!

Oh, no! No!

JAMES: Yes! Yes!

I've won a Top Gear--event!  Yes!

--JEREMY: So that's one-nil to Captain Slow,

despite what we both thought   was rather a poor car.

Not only is it ugly,   but the air-suspension   is too complicated

and the seat   layout is all wrong.

Still,   it didn't change the outcome.

-You are kidding?  -It's your rules.

I wish I hadn't  used the machine gun.

-Well, quite. -What were you drinking?

Anyway, you've probably  noticed that TV's Richard  Hammond isn't with us today

and that's because he's  currently appearing on  commercial daytime television.

Yes, he is.  He's on live every afternoon  filling Paul O'Grady's slot.

-Just realised  what I said there.  -I know.

Anyway, the thing is,  before he started entertaining

the unemployed and the elderly,

we gave him a taste of what life would be like out here.

--RICHARD: Yes.   In Nuneaton actually.

This is the   Motor Industry   Research Association.

Here, cars are   tested to destruction.

And in this chamber,

they can recreate the freezing temperatures at the North Pole.

It's the perfect place   for a--Top Gear experiment.

Namely, who breaks   first in extreme cold?

Car or man?

The car we've chosen is a Citroen C1.

One of the most basic   vehicles you can buy.

And the man it's   going up against   is also pretty basic.

Me.

Oh, good.

According to a top   frostbite boffin,

the experience   would not be pleasant.

Sort of minus 30.

You're gonna be  in a lot of trouble  if you're still in the car.

Ice crystals start to form  in the tissues of your skin.

It will puncture the cells  and they'll stay frozen.

Your fingers are gonna swell.

Anything else that's got  frostbitten, particularly your  manhood, might swell.

It will blister,  it'll be very,  very uncomfortable.

And eventually,  probably drop off.

-Drop off?  -Drop off.

ECG.

RICHARD:   In order to protect me   and my manhood,

I was covered in   temperature sensors.

To be on the safe side,  there needs to be  an actual thermometer in me.

And this doesn't go in my mouth.

The car got slightly more   dignified treatment.

And finally,   with me wearing just a scarf   and a woolly-pully,

we were both ready   for the big freeze.

This is...  Well, they were a bit worried  my nose might drop off.

So they have to monitor the temperature with that.

It's all right,  you'll get used to it.  You won't even notice it.

The temperature was   a mere minus three.

So, the evil boffins activated an 80-mile-an-hour Arctic wind.

The battle is heating up.  Well, no. It's cooling down.

You know, it's...

Happily if I turn  the ignition on,  everything works.

So far, I'd say we're... We're even.

We're both just  hanging on in there.

The C1 comes  with a little socket  and you can plug in your iPod.

And the office  have very kindly  provided me with one.

They've put some music on it.  So I don't know  what we've got.

(HOT, HOT, HOT PLAYING)

I'd been in the wind tunnel   for over an hour now

and it was almost   minus 23 in the car.

In the engine bay, it was   closer to a much toastier   minus 17 degrees.

So, surely, the engine would start.

Battery works.

(ENGINE STUTTERING)

Come on.

I'm giving you your  best chance, come on!

But there was no pulse.

You are out!

So, I'd already   beaten the engine.

The reason was I   was running on blood.

But the car was   running on diesel.

This is a little  beaker of diesel.

And look, it's gone  gloopy and solid  because it's so cold.

But the contest wasn't over.

This was a battle to the   finish and the C1's   electrics were still going.

However, the boffins were now   starting to get worried

about my falling   skin temperature.

How's your nose getting on?  All your tackle okay?  Still intact?

Presumably.

It's minus 26 in here now.

Wonder if the car  battery still works.

Give it a shot. Yeah.

Hang on. I can't...

The gearbox oil,  it's all frozen up.

Try the iPod.

(SUMMER OF '69 PLAYING)

The evil boffins   reactivated the Arctic wind

and the temperature plummeted   to minus 40   degrees centigrade.

Amazingly, the electrics still worked. Just.

I was now in   the frostbite zone   and close to cracking.

My brain was so fuddled.

Is today light paper...

It had trouble tackling   a simple eleven plus test.

What?

The boffins were   gonna have to pull me out.

But would the car crack first?

Right. Here we go.

Oh.

It's...

had it.

Nobody can deny it  hung on in there.

It never claimed to be  a polar exploration vehicle.

It's a tiny,  little, cheap super Mini.

It did incredibly well, but in the end,

I was better.

So, there you are. If you want to drive to the North Pole,

buy a Hammond.

Yes.

JEREMY:  That was amazing, wasn't it?  JAMES: Yeah, incredible.

JEREMY: Mind you, did you see  how many clothes  he was wearing?

Yeah. It must've been  absolutely freezing in there.

Either that or he was  a big girl's blouse.

Yeah.

Anyway, time for our next event.

JAMES: This is speed skating.

Which, in the proper Olympics,

involves a lot   of men in condoms   slithering about.

(HEART BEATING)

In a race,   their hearts beat   200 times a minute

and it's all jolly exciting.

But we think we can do better.

This is our ice skate.

The brand new Jaguar XK 8.

And this is Torvill.

What the older, fatter Torvill  is going to be doing

is racing this fellow.

That is Eskil Ervik

and he's the world record holder for the 1500 metres

skating quickly thing.

Right. It's a 1500 metre race, three laps.

And they're off.  Well, he is anyway.

That didn't go well.

Now, oh, that's...

That's extraordinary.  There's no grip at all here.

No braking and  no real steering.

(EXCLAIMING)

Bit of a slip  from Torvill there.

Here comes May.

I think he's gaining on you.

JAMES: The skater was hitting   40 miles per hour   through the bends.

Jeremy was   barely touching four.

I don't think  this is gonna make it  as an Olympic sport.

You could slow down  a ruddy funeral at this rate.

I'm going as fast...

This is so irritating,  having a man  keeping up with me.

He's just gone past me again!

He's just toying with me now.  Look at him.

No.

I suspect it was my driving   that let the Jag down there

because on the face of it,   this does seem   to be quite a car.

Obviously, on snowy roads like  these, I can't possibly do  a proper road test.

So we'll do that back in Britain in the spring.

But there are some things  that I can tell you now.

For instance, it's faster   and has two more seats

than the new baby Aston.

But it costs £15,000 less.

Oh, sure, the Aston's a beautiful looking car,

but this isn't what   you'd call a minger, is it?

It was designed   by the same man   who did the Aston.

And if you think it's beautiful on the outside,

wait till you   see the interior.

Old Jags were all full of wood  and pipe tobacco.

It was like being  inside James May.

But this one,

it's like being  inside James Kirk.

It really is   a starship in here.

And it goes like one, too.

Really is very quick.

Or it would be   if I had a bit more   space to play with.

You could have so  much fun on this road.

Followed by such  an enormous accident.

So, because it was going dark, which it does every 15 seconds in Norway,

I went back to meet   James at the hotel.

To make a plan for the next --Top Gear Winter Olympic event.

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

You know that Jag?  You know it wasn't  very good at speed skating.

No.

Well, I was wondering,  how would it be  at like, off-road,

slalom,

speed-dance-skating?

Well, Jeremy, I've no idea  because there's no such thing.

There is. I've just thought of it. What you need, okay...

No, honestly.  Get a great, big, open area.

-A frozen lake, then.  -Perfect.

And then carve a sort of course in it.

And then you drive round it.

Yeah, but what you want then  is a four-wheel drive car.

-No, you don't. -Yes, you do.

Think about it.  The lake doesn't  freeze like that, does it?

It freezes level.

It's nothing to do with hills.  You need four-wheel drive...

Four-wheel drive  will give you control  in slippery corners.

That's what it's for.

That's why rally cars  are four-wheel drive.  You need four-wheel drive.

-No, you won't. -You will.

You won't. And in the morning,  after we've had  a million more beers,

I'm gonna prove it to you.

-Fine. -You just wait.

We've got a long time  to wait till morning  in Norway...

JEREMY:   Sometime the next afternoon,   it was morning,

and we found the perfect frozen lake.

James also found his perfect car.

The four-wheel drive   Land Rover Discovery.

Right. I'm going to build a  track and this is what  I've got in mind.

It's gonna start with a long,  sweeping curve,

where Jeremy will  get carried away  and apply the power.

And then it will come down to a straight

where there will be a series  of tightening S's,  where Jeremy will crash,

if he hasn't already, then there's gonna be another sweeping curve.

And over the other side,  there's gonna be another  series of tightening S's.

And then finally,  it will come back  and join the big curve again.

Very good. But what   James hadn't realised

was that the ice   might not be thick enough

for his big Land Rover.

So, at this point it is...

-that thick.  -Yes.

Do people fall  through the ice in Norway  on lakes?

Yes.

Often?

-Two last week. -Two last week?

-Yes.  -And are they dead?

Quite dead.

And James would be competing   in a car that weighs   nearly three tonnes.

Whereas my Jag was sitting,

as you can see   from its satellite   navigation screen,

right in the middle of the lake.

No problem at all.

Because it's   made from aluminium

and therefore weighs   about three ounces.

Unaware of the problem, Bob the Builder was busy with a tractor,

carving out a course.

It's cutting down  onto the five-foot thick ice.

And while he did that,   I went for a sneaky practice

in my two-wheel drive Jag.

Oh, no!

I'm alarmingly  out of control here.

Here's Mr May.

You know, in real ice skating,

-people sort of do this. -Yeah.

-And that. And this.  -Yeah.

-Do you know  what you're doing?  -What?

You're going out onto an ice rink  and going...

Like that.

--JEREMY: Finally,   our off-road, speed dance,

men's, women's, no hill,

two-wheel drive, challenge slalom

was ready.

-Good track that, James. -Not bad, is it?

-You ready?  -Yeah, I'll have a go.

-How thick is the ice?  -Oh, you'll be fine.

-Seriously?  -Yeah.

And we're off.

Nice bit of drift there  and flick it the other way.

This is the best way to get  the power of the big V8  down onto the ice.

It's with four-wheel drive,  intelligent differentials,

intelligent traction control.

Not just booting it and shouting.

You just don't need  four-wheel drive out here.

You just don't need it.

Oh, yes.

Thought I heard the ice crack.

I'm reckoning on Jeremy not  even being able to face  the correct direction in this.

He'll just go round and round  in little circles.

Oh, what a drift.

Very safe, very steady.

And it took him  two minutes, three seconds.

-Pathetic. -Rubbish, man...

You were hardly moving.

Rubbish, I was going at a  good, consistent speed  and in control,

which is the point  I'm trying to make.

-You were barely moving. -There were beautiful movements.

The other disappointment  was that you didn't actually

fall through the ice,  because do you  know how thick it is?

Four feet?

About five inches.

-You're kidding? -I'm not. It's about five inches.

JEREMY: So, how would   the rear-wheel-drive   Jag get on?

Oh, yeah.

With all this space,   it was so much easier   and faster than it had been

either on the ice   rink or on the road.

I'm sideways, in control.  I look good.

Power. Oh, no!

That's a pirouette, that is, in ice dancing circles.

This is rubbish.

Work a bit harder here, don't be lazy. Come on.

Come on, get in. Get in. Nose in.

Give it some  front-end grip now!

It's good!

It's bad!

All right!

Oh, yeah!

I want one of these cars.

No, wait,  I want one of these lakes.

The final big,  sweeping corner.

They're looking, I know, for something elegant, something pretty.

Whoa!

-James!  -Very good.

I won!

-What do you mean, you won?  -I won!

No, come on.  I went round there  in two minutes, three seconds.

You were actually  30 seconds behind  when you crashed.

Look, ice dancing is  not against the clock.

It's about poise and  delicacy and beauty.  And I was much more...

beautiful than you were.

Yes, but this is against the  clock and it proves  that four-wheel drive

has thrashed two-wheel drive.  That's the end of it.  That was my victory.

It's going dark,  so we don't have  any more time to argue, okay?

And the thing is

that before he  became mired in a world  of amusing shaped vegetables,

Richard Hammond came to Norway  with James for a race.

Yes, and we thought  we'd show it to you again.

-Now...  -But just before...

Go and get your Discovery  'cause I need  to pull this out.

-Can I show you something first? -What?

Since we were talking about  Richard Hammond,

your car's had  its teeth whitened.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

RICHARD: Lillehammer has one   of the most formidable   bobsleigh runs in the world.

The downhill course of twists   and turns stretches for   almost two kilometres.

Even so,   a crack bobsleigh team   can get down this run

in just under a minute,

with the bobsleigh itself   hitting 80 miles an hour.

The speed comes at a price  for the passengers, though,

because each member  of the bobsleigh team

is subjected to cornering forces of 5G.

That's more than  an F1 driver suffers.

Honestly, to do this you'd have to be brave, stupid

or just desperate to   get on the television.

So this is where  I'll be sitting,  here in the middle.

And to make things even more arduous, we're gonna have a race.

We've come to Lillehammer  because alongside  the bobsleigh run,

we have this road.

They start in the same place,  they run down the hill,

and they finish  in the same place.

JAMES: The road is almost   exactly the same length   as the bob run.

And like the bob run, it's   slippery, dangerous and full   of difficult corners.

It requires a special vehicle.

So that's what we've got.

It's a Mitsubishi   Evo world rally car,

with a 300 horsepower   turbocharged engine,   four-wheel drive

and studded tyres.

So that's the challenge. Can the rally car beat the bobsleigh?

I happen to think it can,  although Hammond tells me  it definitely can't.

RICHARD:  This is my bobsleigh run.

It starts here and it wiggles  all the way down here  and it finishes there.

JAMES: And this is the road,  which is in green,

and it starts  here and it wiggles  all the way up there.

But it finishes in exactly the same place.

Yes, but here's a point.

My bobsleigh  can get from there  all the way down to there

in less than a minute.  You've had it.

But, you see, all you've got  to take you from there to  there is gravity.

-Yes. -That's nothing.

Well, I've got 300 horsepower  and a huge turbocharger

and 420 spikes in each tyre

and gravity to get down there.

Yes, but my  bobsleigh was custom built  for going on ice.

Your car has had to be sort of  adapted with  clever tyres and stuff.

-You're wearing tights. -I am.

I can't take  lectures on physics  from a man in tights.

-I am aware of the tights.  -Dancing,  yes, but physics, no.

JAMES: The truth is, though,   the bob is going   to be hard to beat,

which kind of counts me out   for driving the car.

So instead we've got Henning   Solberg, the Norwegian   National Rally champion.

MAN: One, two, three.

RICHARD: The bobsleigh's   chance of victory all depends   on how good our start is.

That means intense   preparation for me

and the Norwegian Olympic   Bobsleigh team.

One, two.

And while we practise running, the driver visualises the course in his head.

All of this provided   much merriment for   the bone-idle May.

-Are you warming up?  -Yes.

I'm warming up as well.

To be honest, I couldn't see   the funny side of it

because I was really worried   about letting the team down.

Any time you lose here,  a second is multiplied by  three at the bottom.

So that'll be three seconds.

And I was also worried about   whether my body would cope.

The key thing is,  as you go into the corners,

to hold your breath,  to get as much  breath in as you can

'cause that actually  holds your body up.

It supports you when you're  being subjected to G  forces in the corners.

Apparently,  in a couple of places  down there, it hits 6.5G.

The driver told me he's been doing this six years

and he's three   centimetres shorter.

I can't afford to lose three centimetres.

James was strapped in and I was ready to run.

Our race rally driver   could hardly   speak any English,

but that didn't stop James   giving him a patronising   British pep talk.

Righto,  Henning, it's the reputation  of internal combustion

resting on your shoulders

in the next minute or so.

JAMES:   I was going to time the car   with my trusty stopwatch.

And Hammond's bob would be timed by the course officials.

RICHARD: This was it.

Mind the trees, you nutter!

--RICHARD: We're starting to turn.

That's a turn!  That's a turn. 16 corners...

Now that's three of them done.

--JAMES: Two kilometres on ice in a minute.

Boy,   has Henning got it all to do.

Ooh, that hurts a lot.   That's my head.

(BLEEP)

RICHARD: The bob may have   started slow, but it was just   getting faster and faster.

And these guys   never use the brakes.

No, no, no, no!

Now there's  a complex coming up...  Oh, that's one.

And there's another.

At midpoint, 1,000 metres in,   it was anybody's guess.

JAMES: Right... The brakes, man!

(SHOUTING)

I'm banging my head!

(MUFFLED HEART BEATING)

Oh, my head! Big bumps!

--JAMES:   Henning was just awesome.

You can't go this fast on ice.

(BLEEP)

He hit the side!  He's going to kill us!

I don't want to die in tights!

59:68.

Did we win? What did he do?

God.

I'm broken.

-What have you done it in?  -59:68.

Come on. Come on, come on.

-1:02:24.  -We won!

We did it!

The boys!  Well, I hope I didn't  slow you up too much.

-That was fantastic.  -Yeah.

We did it.  That really was something.

Awesome. Yes!

Right, that was  last year, this is now,  and I have some good news.

It's the weekend and Richard  Hammond has therefore  been able to escape

from his world of  amusingly shaped  potato crisps and he's here!

RICHARD: Up until now, Suzuki   has been well-known for   making small jeeps

and their reasonably priced cars.

Everything else they've made  is about as  interesting as that pine tree.

Well,  no, maybe that one there.  That one in the middle there.

But now, out of nowhere,   they've come up with this,

the new Swift.

And I do mean out of nowhere.

Just look at it.

When this thing drives past,

you really are  going to give it  a second glance, aren't you?

It costs less   than eight grand,

and yet for that,   you get a perky   1.3 litre engine,

CD player, electric mirrors,   tinted glass   and some airbags.

It does just about  the cleverest thing  a small car can do.

Which is,  not feel like a small car.

It feels big and solid.

And it feels grown up.

Which, considering what we're   about to do with it,   is a good thing.

You see, the last time   we tested a small car,

we ended up playing football   with 10 of them.

They were Toyota Aygos   and, frankly, it all got a bit messy.

Thing is, it is a bit nippy for football

in these conditions.

But don't despair...

because we can do this.

I declare the--Top  --Gear Winter Olympics

Suzuki Swift Car Ice Hockey "Cha"

open!

--RICHARD:   Yes, this is the pitch

and these are the players.

Ten Suzuki Swifts,   making it five a side.

All piloted by   local rally drivers.

James and I would   be team captains   and Jeremy the ref.

RICHARD:  Look, it's not difficult.

Ice hockey is basically the most violent sport in the world.

-Bar none. So... -So if you bite James...

Oh, yeah. No, that...  I mean, if it gets really...

If there is a death,

then you have to put somebody  in the sin bin.

And that's when I blow  my horn?

Yes, if it all goes  really nasty.

-If I have to stop the game,  I blow this?  -Yes.

-So it's...  -Just you...

The end's come off.

RICHARD: With the stands   packed to the rafters and   the giant puck in place,

we were ready for the off.

Okay, the blue team,   captained by Captain Slow!

That's Primetime television.

The red team, captained by   Richard Phillip   Schofield Hammond!

That's Daytime television!   We're ready!

(BLOWING AIR HORN)

--JAMES: Within a minute, Daytime TV scored.

Goal!

Is it a "goal" in ice hockey?  Yeah.

Now,  there were a lot of crashes  when we did this

with the Aygos  playing football.

I think by putting it on ice,  we've made it a lot safer.

--JAMES: Despite my best football cliches...

Oh, he's up like a salmon.

We're on a clear run for goal.  It's the old one-two.

--JAMES: Team Primetime were all over the place.

It's gone wide.

--RICHARD: Meanwhile, Daytime TV were on fire.

And despite   an obviously biased ref...

JEREMY: Come on, James!  Come on, man, you've got it!

--RICHARD: We banged home goal two.

Goal!

And goal three in   quick succession.

Who's primetime now,  then, boys?

(WHOOPING)

--JAMES: Yes,   my team were being trounced.

And when we finally did score,

guess who was   otherwise engaged?

Yes,   all in all, the ref's grasp   of the game was poor.

-Why has that happened? -Well, that's...

And why haven't you scored?

-We have scored.  -Well, I haven't seen it.

No, we just scored then. Who's the referee?

-I fell over a bit.  -Did you?

-You missed the goal?  -I missed the goal.

If it's not declared,  it's not a goal.

Are you prepared  to accept my word

as a primetime  television presenter  that we scored a superb goal?

-Yes, I am.  -Good. Thank you, ref.

-But I didn't actually see it.  -Oh, come on!

--RICHARD: Daytime were still   two goals ahead, though,

and the ref didn't like that.

What you...

It's in the middle.

--RICHARD: James took   immediate advantage.

Come on, boys!

Come on, three, three, three!

That's in. That's lovely.

Goal!

He's great, isn't he?  Give him a megaphone,  he's happy.

Come on, Bjorn and Bjorn.

RICHARD: But moments later,   James crashed   into his own man,

leaving his   goalmouth wide open for me.

(HOWLING)

--RICHARD: After that,   the match really hotted up.

For most people, that is.

Oh, is that a beer?

(WHOOPING)

Oh, no. It's Hammond.

Bloody hell, James.

RICHARD: Still,   another goal for Daytime,   making the score...

That is now 5-2? 3? What?

What is it?

--RICHARD: As the game   entered its final stages,

the violence reached   proper ice hockey levels.

Struck me own bloke,  but never mind.

These are proving themselves  to be tough little cars,  these Swifts, I must say.

Upside down!

(HOWLING)

That could be where  he banged himself.

MAN: Do you have  any vacuum cleaner?

-A vacuum cleaner?  -MAN: Yes, clean the seats.

Does Top Gear--have  a vacuum cleaner? No.

--JAMES: Red 2 was out of action,

but my joy was short-lived.

There is a spare car.

We're writing number  2 on it as we speak.

He'll be back in business  with 90 seconds of play left.

Whose side are you on, ref?

I am totally impartial. I've given you every possible opportunity.

You've just let me down.

Rubbish. I've scored  two brilliant goals

whilst you've been chatting up  some Norwegian woman

and standing in the bar.

-That was my wife.  -It was his wife.

--RICHARD:   With play almost over,

I accidentally,   but very accurately,   took out James.

I'm out!

Hammond in the sin bin.

I can't believe I got  sin-binned. For what?

Go on ITV,  you go in the sin bin.  It's that simple.

RICHARD: With me shackled,   Primetime brought   the score up to 5-4.

Oh, come on, ref!

Hammond, you may rejoin!

And that's the end of  the game, everybody!

(LAUGHING)

(CARS HONKING)

--RICHARD:   No matter, Daytime have won,

which meant for James,   there could only be   one post-match drink.

-So how was the snow?  -It was golden,  thank you, Jeremy.

Yes! And that, gentlemen,  is how you do that.

And with that, I must get back  to the world of  light entertainment.

-I wouldn't if I were you.  -Why?

-'Cause of what  we're doing next.  -Which is?

That.

-JAMES: Oh, you are joking?  -I am staying.

--JEREMY: This is the ski jump   at Lillehammer.

The very one used   in the 1994 Winter Olympics.

It offers jumpers 400 feet

of pure, unbridled terror.

Right, chaps.  We have got to get that...

to jump further than him

in the Top Gear Winter Olympics

Ski Slash Car  Jumping "Champio."

JEREMY: A 20-year-old,   slightly rusty,   Leyland Mini.

So, let's work this out.  Mini does 0 to 60 in what?

About 14 seconds.

Hang on,  that's not going to be  very relevant, though, is it?

'Cause you're not going to get  any grip off the tyres.

All you got up  there is gravity.

Gravity is a cruel  and  unpredictable mistress, so...

Well, no, it isn't.  It's a constant  all over the world.

This is quite simple,  arithmetically.  We've got...

It's v=u+at. We know what  acceleration  due to gravity is,

9.8 metres per second squared.

But that's weight component down a plain 'cause it's on a slope.

We need to get the mass of  the car, we need to know  the angle of the slope,

then we need to work out the  angle when it gets to  the lip where it jumps off

and that will give us "v".  Then it will follow  a parabolic trajectory

we should be able to  then calculate the exact point

when the car comes  and meets the snow.

-It's quite easy.  -I think we should go  and get a cup of tea

and work that out.

-JEREMY: So come on, James.  -Hang on, hang on.

Is gravity going to be enough

to get the car down the ramp  and beat the skier?

-No. -Right.

-Right.  -Then we have a huge problem.

We need some more propulsion  'cause we can't use the engine

because that will just spin the wheels. Right.

Also, we can't put a driver  in it, 'cause obviously  he'll be killed.

So we're going to have to  work something  out on steering.

-That can be your job, okay?  -Okay.

There's another problem. Once  it's set off, we've got to  stop it at some point,

otherwise it will  just soar over there  and take out Lillehammer.

So I'll work out  a way of stopping it.

-Right, guidance for you...  -Stopping.

Braking for you and then  I'll figure out some way of...

-Power. -Power.

Power, yes. I'll do the power.

Let's get about our business.  I'll take my tea.

Earl Grey in Norway.  Whoever would  have thought it, huh?

JEREMY: Our first job   was to mark the point   where the skier had landed

so we knew   the distance to beat.

Unfortunately, James was no   Sir Edmund Hilary.

You got to spray paint it across.

There you go. I've done it.

No,  you've got to get it across,  the whole way.

-No, that'll do. -It won't do.

Shut up.

How hard can it be?

With James proving his own laws of gravity, I got on with the business of power.

Hi, is that the  United Kingdom  Rocketry Association?

Yeah.  It's Jeremy Clarkson here  from Top Gear

and I need some rockets.

Soon,   though, it went dark again.   So we went to the pub.

-Nice to meet you.  -Damien.

The next morning,   the rocketeers arrived

and announced that they could give the Mini

twice as much thrust,   pound for pound,

than an F-15 jet fighter.

I've taken drag,

aerodynamic drag,  ski friction, gravity

and the thrust of three contrail hybrid rocket motors into it.

-This is rocket science. -This is rocket science.

--JEREMY:   But then I saw the rockets.

I can buy these  from post offices  in November.

You just wait  until you're up there.

-Are these really  gonna give enough thrust?  -They are.

More thrust than you can handle.

And so where?  We put them here?

No. Come on, Jeremy.  That way round.

Down here somewhere.  Take the boot out.  Take the back out.

-Yeah.  -Rip that off. Rip that off.

Let's have a boot full.

Meanwhile, I'd chosen a spot   to build my snow barrier.

I think about here.

Or here.

No.

I think...

Right.

(EXCLAIMS)

How fast was the skier going  when he left the thing?

MAN: 56 miles an hour.

We're going to be going 83 miles an hour.

This meant Hammond   had to think big.

Richard Hammond, how's the braking going?

Yeah, it's going well.  It's going well.

JEREMY: By this stage,   Spider-Man had finally got to   the top of the ski jump.

When the skier goes down,  how does he...  How does he...

How does he  stay in the middle?

-Oh, it has tracks.  -Grooves.

-Liquid nitrous oxide.  -Yeah.

-And that's got  all the oxygen in it.  -Yeah.

Yeah. And in the bottom end,  fuel, which is rubber.

Don't... Here's a tip.

Please, I'm a doctor  of engineering, twice.

If you use rubber as fuel,

you're not going to go as far  as if you use,  like, petrol or dynamite.

Hey, Jeremy, do you think  you could mount it on skis?

Why does he want skis?

Just trust me.  If you put it on the skis,  I can keep it dead straight.

-We'll have to make them.  -Well, yes.

Obviously. We can't go  to a ski rental shop and say,

"Have you got some  skis for a Mini?"

James, the track  is 1300 millimetres.

--RICHARD:   And with those measurements,

the icemen could now   cut their special grooves.

Oh, yes.

If I lose it now, I'm going to end up in the Lillehammer ASDA.

I'd love a decent tea.

JEREMY: The rocket   scientists have found   a job for me to do.

-Does anyone want Earl Grey?  -ALL: No!

With my skis fitted,   the rockets installed,

and the ice grooves   coming along nicely,

James and I   dropped in on Hammond   to inspect his snow bank.

I can guarantee that  won't stop the Mini.

Partly because it's not substantial enough,

but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope,

and the Mini is  coming down that one.

Right.

-Righto.  -JEREMY: What a complete...

Some adjustments.

Did nobody tell you?

No, obviously!  Or I'd have  built it over there!

That is fairly embarrassing.

What I need is a big machine.

--RICHARD: So I got   myself a piste basher.

With this, I am going to  construct something that will  rival the Hoover Dam.

Those two muppets  will not be  laughing at me now.

And to speed things up, I even drafted in a herd of tractors.

JEREMY: While Phillip   Schofield was building the   great wall of Lillehammer...

Oh, yeah.

...the rocket car, primed with one and a half tonnes of explosive thrust,

began its long journey to the top of the jump.

And half an hour later, the   ice grooves were ready for   Chris Bonington's approval.

-I'm not...  -Please don't come near me.

-I'm not touching you.  I'm not...  -Go over there.

-I'm nowhere near you.  -That's really nice.

JAMES: This has never been done before.

No. We are in fact  at the cutting edge  of cocking about.

JEREMY:   The time for cocking about,   however, was over.

The wall was finished,   the target was laid down,

sort of, and we were now in the hands of the rocket men.

They're filling  the rockets with fuel.

We need to get that maximum  emission down.

Straight away, yeah.

RICHARD: It's going to be  an appalling mess.

An explosion. An explosion.  A burning Mini...

-Carnage.  -...coming down on its roof.

Venting. Red, white, blue.

-Confirm.  -Confirm venting.

And in three, two, one, purge.

Come on, Mini!

Armed. Five, four, three, two,

one. Initiate.

(ALL CHEERING)

The wall's going to be needed!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-We were a bit short.  -We didn't beat  the ski jumper.

How well did it ski?

JEREMY: It's brilliant skiing!

I'm satisfied with that and anyway, that's it, I have to go.

I have to go back  to the world of daytime telly.

Boys, it's been a joy.  Goodbye.

It's been great having  you here.

-Thanks for coming.  -That was quite something.

Bye.

Actually, we can go anyway  'cause it's  the end of the show.

No, it isn't. There's one more thing.

This is a snowmobile.

It's a sort of Jet Ski with a tank track on the back,

and it's used   for herding mooses

and generally larking about.   But here's the thing.

No one in   the whole of human history

has ever attempted   to ride one of these things

down a ski jump.

Now the reason  why no one has ever  ridden a snowmobile

down a ski jump like that,

is the same  reason we didn't put  anyone in the Mini last night.

Yes, 'cause you'd probably  be killed to death.

Yeah,  very good chance of that.

Luckily, however,  we know a man who has no fear.

You thought we'd forgotten him, but he's here. The Stig.

It's the landing I think  I'm worried about most of all.  His pods.

And on that bombshell,

or as he would now put it,

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE)  "On that bombshell",

time to end the show.

Thanks very much for watching.  Good night!