Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - 24 Hours in a Smart Car - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,

Richard wets himself
in a small hatchback.

We play Conkers with caravans.

And a clash of the Titans

as Ferrari meets Aston
on our track.

Hello and welcome
to the incredible
Pagani Zonda,

which is now available
with added excellent-ness.

Richard Hammond said
he wanted to drive
this new version

but was insistent that he had
to get in the mood first,

which he said meant
that he had to go to the
south of France.

HAMMOND:
Welcome to the coolest thing
in the entire world.



A boat.

It's called the Wally 118.

And despite the
underwhelming name,

it's the most radical
and futuristic yacht
ever built.

If Darth Vader was a pirate,
this would be his ship.

It costs 14 million pounds,

but the money hasn't gone
on gold chandeliers.

Forget your gin palaces
with drinks' clubs,
this is 2004.

These window frames,
carbon fibre.

The dining table,
that's carbon fibre.

Everything is carbon fibre.

Yeah.

It actually is.

That's because this boat is
as much about speed



as it is about luxury.

It was shaped in
the Ferrari wind tunnel.

Its gas turbine engines
give out 17,000 horsepower.

And even though
it's 118 feet long,
and weighs 95 tonnes,

it can still do
70 miles an hour.

The trouble is, though,
after this, any transport on
dry land just seems so shabby.

What on Earth do you pop
to the cash point in?

This isn't a bad start.

The Pagani Zonda roadster.

Your Wally yacht owner
will feel right at home here,

with the futuristic cabin.

And the swathes
of carbon fibre.

Now, when we drove
the hard-top version of this
a while back, we loved it.

But the first question is,

is it still as quick now that
they've taken the roof off?

Yes, it is still fast.

Naught to sixty,
about three seconds.

Top speed, 218 miles an hour.

You see, usually, when you
take the top off a car,

it actually has to get heavier

because you have to put
big girders and oak trees in
to make it stronger.

But here, the technicians
have been skilful.

The weight has only gone up
by 30 kilograms.

In fact, the whole car
is a third of a tonne lighter

than a Lamborghini Murcielago
roadster.

But the best thing is,
with the roof down,

there's nowhere to hide
from the V12 bellow.

Let me take you somewhere
rather special.

There are demons in here,

and I'm driving one.

This is my new home.

In fact, I would sell
my house, buy one of these
and live in a tunnel.

Actually you'd have to
sell your house
because the price,

415,000 pounds.

Welcome to the dark side.

This is like nothing I have
ever, ever experienced.

This is life changing.

I shall emerge
a different man.

That's exciting.

If you're 10 and you're
watching this right now,

it's exactly as good
as you think it is.

It is actually that good.

Having found that
the Zonda was still fast
in a straight line,

I headed for the foothills
of the Alps

to see if it was still good
at going around corners.

This is incredible.

To drive,
it feels lithe and nimble.

Which is weird words to use

when you're talking
about a 7.3 litre,
V12-engined mega-car.

I just want to drive.

I don't want to
stop doing this at all, ever.

But the weather
changed its mind.

Which meant I had to pull over
and put the fingernail-busting
roof up.

Lift.

Ooh.

Engine.

Brilliant, isn't it?
Buy a Peugeot for a few grand

and it's one button.

Supercars are
a bit more fiddly.

I think this has gone well.

See the glamour?

I've...

It's gone.

Okay. This is suddenly
a very different experience.

555 brake horse power
in the wet.

Only 40 of these
will ever exist.

I really didn't want
to make it 39.

Somebody else's hyper-car...
No pressure.

I needn't have worried,
though, because,
even in the wet,

it's still so useable.

Yes, I'm conscious
of the rain.

I'm conscious the big,
fat tyres can aqua-plane.

And it doesn't seem to
make much difference.

The only thing that
will cause us to go
over the edge now

is me getting
a bit over-zealous
with my right shoe.

I wasn't scared.

I love this car.

It's got all the weapons-grade
engineering underneath,

and yet
it's still outrageous enough,

still just vulgar enough,

to be the perfect
playboy's wheels
out here on the Riviera.

And wherever that
amazing yacht is,

it knows it's got
a soul mate on dry land.

If I may just have
a moment here.

-Oh, no, it can't.
-What?

It cannot do,
as you claimed in the film,

naught to 60
in about three seconds.

Oh, Well, all right,
3.7 if you want to be precise.

That is about four seconds.

Well, look, either way,
Mr Pedantic,

however you look at it,
it is a glorious car.

I adore the Roadster Zonda,
I do.

I mean, okay,
the Ferrari Enzo or maybe
the Porsche Carrera GT

are technically better cars,

but for a sense of theatre,
and almost pantomime,
it is impossibly glamorous.

Honestly, I thought
I'd feel silly in a car
that didn't have a top,

but I felt brilliant.

And then when I went
into the tunnel the...

This is bad news, ladies.
Very bad news.

Little Richard has
fallen in love

with a tonne and a bit
of Kevlar and wires.

-Yeah, I have visibly...
-It'll all come down here...

No, they're all come down
with bare midriffs

and Richard and Hammond
written on their...
Like that.

And it's no good, he's gone.

I love it. I think
this is
the big one.

Now, we're gonna have to go
do the news now before he
leaves a deposit on it. Um...

-Oh, yeah. So let's do that.

And the news is that
we are for sale.

On eBay,
there is a signed picture
of the three of us.

-Really?
-All our signatures on it.

How much do you think
that's going for?

-A million pounds.
-No, not a... 20,000 pounds.

-MAN: Five quid.
-Five quid?

-Somebody said five quid.
-HAMMOND: Oh, thank you.

MAY: They say five quid?
Any advance on five quid?

-Four pounds, 20.
-HAMMOND: What?

-BOTH: Four pounds, 20.
-Oh.

-You can sell anything
on eBay these days.
-Really?

Yeah, I sold a part-used box
of cigarettes a while back.

-HAMMOND: What?
-A what?

A part-used box of cigarettes
that I found in my house.

-A builder left them,
a painter.
-Yeah?

Two had been smoked,

and obviously I don't smoke,
so I took a picture
and stuck them on eBay.

-Somebody buy them?
-Six pounds, 50.

What was the list of things
you'd done before you got down
to auctioning off

partly-used packets
of cigarette?

I made six pounds, 50,
which is more...

That's more than is being made
out of a signature
with your bloody face on.

-You have a point.
-I'm staggered.

I'm just staggered.
eBay bores the pants off me.

Right. Can I talk about
some new cars, just briefly.

Two quite interesting ones.
Firstly, this
Chrysler Crossfire roadster.

This is the Roadster version
of the Crossfire Coupe.

It's about 28,000 pounds,
700 quid more than the Coupe.

Naught to 60
in six and a half seconds.
Top speed, 150.

And another one,
this Nissan 350Z Roadster,

about 28 grand,
1,500 more than the Coupe.

Six seconds to 60,
155 miles an hour.

They're both available now,
they've just gone on sale.

The problem is, though,
that there's so much choice
in that market.

We've got
an Audi TT convertible.

-BMW Z4.
-Porsche Boxter.

S2000, SLK.

There's loads before you even
have to start thinking
about that sort of stuff.

I know, it's a busy part
of the market.

But I think that one,
actually, the 350,
looks pretty good.

There is a fundamental
flaw with it.

-What,
you can tell from the picture?
-Easily.

Okay let's just say
you get one,
you're at a drinks party,

somebody comes up, says,
"So, Richard,
what are you driving now?"

"Nissan."
You're right. I don't want it.

Yeah, you don't just go out
saying you've got a Nissan.
All your street credit gone.

Now, have you seen
these specs?

Speed cameras, the new ones.

They measure your
average speed between
two given points.

So I was going through
Northampton the other day,
okay?

There is a 50 mile an hour
speed limit, about two miles.

Now when you have got
to maintain an average speed
of 50,

it means the only thing
that you can look at
is the speedometer.

So you drive like that.

You can hear the wheelchairs
going under the wheels,
and the babies and old ladies.

I'm not looking at them.
I swear to God, they are going
to kill people. Trust me.

They're forward-facing though,
am I right?

Yeah, the cameras,
they take the pictures
as you go towards them.

-Yeah, I approve of those.
-CLARKSON: Why?

-Because I'm a motorcyclist.
-Yeah, that's true.

What's that got to do with it?

There's no number plate
on the front of a bike.

It's true.

It's a fair point.
I never thought...
Why? Why is that?

Yeah, but the thing is
I've been through Northampton
on the bike.

Why is there no number plate?

I believe, they were
actually made illegal
in the early '70s.

Well, because it used to be up
right on the front mud guard.

Yeah, so if you had a crash,

it was like somebody just put
a meat cleaver in your head,
essentially.

Well, that is one
advantage of motorcycling
I will concede,

but there's a disadvantage,

because, I was talking
to a surgeon just last week,

and he was telling me...

You know these new bikes
that have got
a very pronounced fuel tank

-in front of the saddle?
-Yeah, a lot of
sports bikes do.

Do you know what the most
common injury is now,
when you've had an accident?

-Your testes torn off.

-Oh, no!
-CLARKSON: You know,
it's a fact. It's a fact.

So you can do that to
a speed camera,
but next thing you know...

This surgeon was telling me
he now spends most of his life

sewing testicles on people.

Which is annoying
if you're a woman.

"Why have you done that?
They were my boyfriends'

"and now look
what you've done!"

I'd love to be...
I'd sew them
on someone's ears.

Serves you right
for being a biker.
Now you've got earrings.

I'd sew them
on their shoulders so
the next time somebody says,

"Well done, mate."

Now, you may
have heard recently

that the ancient
schoolyard game of Conkers
has been under threat

because those loonies
at Health & Safety
got their hands on it

and they decided that they
would make school children

wear goggles
when they're playing it.

So that's exactly what we did.

HAMMOND: Today, we'll be using
this huge airfield
as our playground.

We're staying pretty faithful
to the game you know and love.

But we've just gone
a bit more ambitious.

Now, instead of string,
we've got these huge cranes
that we can hang stuff from,

and then swing it about
with gay abandon.

All we need now
is some conkers.

HAMMOND: And here they are.
Six ripe beauties

that fell from the old
fibreglass chestnut tree.

MAY: And the rules are really
child's play.

First, we choose
three conkers each.

See, I was gonna go for this
bright Musketeer
for one of mine.

Oh, look, a Monza!

This has got
a galvanised chassis,
which yours hasn't.

HAMMOND: Sturdy stuff, that.

Now, in real Conkers,
the skill is in the choosing
of your conker.

You might have a three-er,
but the other bloke could
pull out a niner.

And it's the same here today,
but different.

The skill is in the choice
of caravan.

MAY: I, for example,
have gone for this 1983
Eccles Amethyst two-berth,

with flip down sink,
Porta Potty, and an all-up
weight of 530 kilograms.

HAMMOND: I've gone for this
four-berth Piper 415.

At 700 kilos,
it's a biggun.

MAY: Unfortunately,
Health & Safety have found out
about our Conker game

and have stepped in
with some precautions.

There you go. I now feel
perfectly happy about being
hit in the face by a caravan.

The conkers are a splendid
50 feet apart and
Richard will take first swing.

Hammond is expecting victory
with the much-heavier Piper.

HAMMOND: Right, here we go.
Our first Conker
of the season.

Three, two, one.

-MAY: Whoa...

MAY: That's lovely.
HAMMOND: Oh, no!

-No, it's mine.
-Yes!

MAY: At first it looked
as though David
had felled Goliath,

but then the two-berth
Amethyst crumbled.

-I've still got
one wall left.
-What do you mean...

Look, it's not over yet. Look.

HAMMOND: They're
still conking.

One, nil.

-HAMMOND: James,
we are grown men.
-Is that right?

HAMMOND: Playing
Conkers with caravans.

MAY: That's okay.
It's better than
working in a bank.

MAY: Round two. It's my turn
to swing and Richard has gone
for a Monza.

Against it, I'm going to pitch
the Sprite Musketeer,
630 kilograms.

Six-ninety for the Monza.
It's lighter. You've had it.

The Monza is weakened.

HAMMOND: Victory!

-MAY: That's got it.
-No, my Monza!

MAY: Yes, look.

Yes, yes! That's magnificent.

Right, I won that one.

HAMMOND: So, as is
the way in television,

the scores are level
as we go into final round.

It's James' turn
to swing again,
but I am noisily confident.

Let me just tell you what
you're going up against here.

-Yeah?
-That's an Abby GT, 754 kilos,

it's the heaviest one
we've had.

It's got hot and cold
running water,
a separate bathroom.

It's the most modern.
It's a winner. You've had it.

MAY: You think I'm worried?

One for all
and all for one, mate.

HAMMOND: James' Musketeer
is battered but defiant.

MAY: Three, two, one. Die.

HAMMOND: Oh, look,
just give up.

HAMMOND: Yes!
MAY: Oh, no!

HAMMOND: I'm sorry, mate,
the Musketeer bought the farm!

You are the winner
of caravan Conkers.

Yes!
A lifelong ambition achieved.

It's tough.

This is the one, then?
This is the winner.

That's it,
that's the very one.

-A wooden caravan.
-This really is
a Top Gear top tip.

Let's be honest. Because
if you're going to play
Conkers with your caravan,

which is better than hitching
it up to the back of the car

and getting in everyone's way,
let's be honest,

um, this is the one to go for.
What is this?

-This is an Abby GT.
-Four-berth.

-Yes.
-With separate shower cubicle.

CLARKSON: Okay, okay.
There you have it.

Now it's time
to meet our guest.

He was described recently
by one newspaper

as being "The Rolls-Royce
of comedians,"

which, presumably,
means he's 18 feet long
and half German.

Let's find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jimmy Carr.

-How are you? Have a seat.
-Good.

-A big welcome.
-Well, thanks very much.

Now let's just canter through
your early life, shall we?
Cambridge educated.

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, I was. A lot of people
tell you that the wrong way.

A lot of people think
if you're Cambridge-educated

you may be a bit pompous
and up yourself. Not true.

The only reason I went
to Cambridge is because
I got four As at A-Level.

Well, after Cambridge,
it was off to work
for an oil company.

-Yes. Shell.
-Middle management?

Yeah, I was in marketing
for oil.

-Okay.
-Which is technically the
easiest job on the planet.

Do you have a fuel gauge
in your car?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, you know when that goes
into the red?

-Yeah.
-Buy some petrol.

-CARR: Job done.

'Cause, I mean...
I've got this big thing going
at the moment.

You know how...
"Ooh, crude oil,

-"so bad"?
-Ooh.

It's not bad at all. Crude oil
is magnificent stuff.

It should be called
magnificent oil.

And then people would not get
so worried when it crashes
all over a beach in Wales.

You think a rebrand is needed?

Well, yes, because what have
you got, a couple of
sticky guillemots?

That sounds painful.

-It's a bird.
-It's a bird?

It's a bird
and they get a bit oily,
and then you wash them down

and it's fine.
Everything's absolutely fine
after that.

But, "Ooh,
those oil companies,
they are so bad."

How much are they now
contributing to the Exchequer?

They make 800,000 pounds
an hour profit, Shell.

-An hour?
-An hour.

That's more than I make
in a week.

But then you've got
a Cambridge education,
so you know, it's fair dues.

Anyway, you're a success now.

-Uh, yeah, if you like.
Why not?
-Huge success.

Your own TV show,
very successful tour film
radio show, the lot.

And you've got a Rover 75.

I know. I've done well.

I thought I'd treat myself.

Well, what happened is,
earlier in the year I was
thinking about buying a car,

maybe some kind of CL Merc
and I had a chat
with my girlfriend

about what new car to get.

And, you know,
after a couple of hours
we both decided

that the best thing to do
was to get new curtains.

Very happy with that decision.

So you've wound up still
with a Rover 75, which,
let's be honest,

-is a dreadful car, really.
-Well, I won't have that said.

But this one is
significantly better
than the last one I had.

-You've had two?
-Yeah, I had...

So you bought one,
and then sold it
and then bought another one?

Not quite.
What actually happened was,

the first one blew up
twice at high speed,

and then they
sold me another one.

That's madness.

What happened was it was
an LPG car. Someone
had converted it to LPG.

A fellow with a pipe
and a beard had gone,

"Yeah, I could do that. Easy."

And he put the wrong kind
of fuel manifold on it,
if that's not too technical.

He put a few plastic
fuel manifold, I think, made
out of straw or something.

And it needed a metal one.

So I was doing 80
down the motorway with
my girlfriend beside me

and it blew up.

The engine, the brakes,
everything. Shh! Gone.

-The brakes?
-Yeah. Everything just went.
The engine just imploded.

I thought, "Right, that's
a bad situation to be in."

My first thought, of course,
was not for my own...

Well, it was for my own safety
but it was,

"Don't tell Caroline."

"She'll go mental."

And then I think that's,
you know,
the great thing about

buying a British car.
I didn't go and sue them
like an American would have.

"You put my life in danger."
None of that nonsense.

I said, "Could you
sell me another one?"

How much time do you spend
on the road?

A lot. I mean not quite
as much as I used to, but,
I mean, I used to spend...

I used to
do the clubs, basically.

And then you're
basically like a rep.

You might as well be. You're
up and down the motorways,
the M1, the M6, and whatever,

going to different clubs
around the place
and driving around.

So I used to do about
30,000 miles a year.

-That is a lot.
-It is.

My only peeve on driving is,
I drive an awful lot
very, very late at night.

Because I go and I'm on stage
at 9:00 or whatever

And I'm coming back
and it's often 1:00 or 2:00
in the morning.

And the speed limits
are the same.

I can't understand that.
Why is it 70 miles an hour
speed limit

at 3:00 in the morning?
There's no one else around.

You could just... Why not
make it an Autobahn at night?

There are people
like you on it, that's why.

I'd be fine.
I think if there's children
playing on the motorway

at 3:00 in the morning,

my driving is sort of
the least of their worries.

Is this something
that would meet with
popular approval here?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-Would you like to see...

How fast do we think,
in the middle of the night?

-A hundred and twenty?
-I think Autobahn.
You do what you want.

A hundred and twenty minimum,
I would suggest. Yeah.

A minimum speed limit,
that's what we need.

Yeah, a minimum of 120,

with police marksmen
on the bridges picking
off those who can't make it.

Yes, it's part of your dream
of a "police state."

You in your Rover.

Yes, a police state
but working for us
rather than against us.

Because the other thing,
as well, that I find
these days,

is we talk a fair bit on
this programme about there
being too many signposts.

-But...
-On... On cars?

-No, there's none on cars.
-Right, good.

See, now, at the side
of the road telling you how
to walk to the library.

But the amount of towns
that don't signpost
are the towns from them.

-Drives you mental.
-You know you're lost around
Great Britain when it says

"Town centre," and you go,
"What town?"

-That's not helping.
-It isn't.

My favourite sign of all time
is "Falling rocks."

You know, the red triangle,
"Falling rocks"?

What am I meant to do
with that information?

They may as well
just have a sign saying
"Random accidents ahead."

"Life's a lottery, be lucky."

Um, okay, fine.

The time has come
to see how you got on
in our reasonably-priced car.

How was it out there?

It was surprisingly fun.
I didn't think I was
gonna take it seriously.

And then I got out there
and I thought,
"This is brilliant."

-It's amazing.
-'Cause, the Stig...

The Stig did say that
he's never met anyone who,
I think he put it,

"dicks about" as much as you.

-We had a laugh.
-Yeah, he...

I mean, it was fun. We spun
out a couple of times. It was
kind of fun. And it was good.

-Anyone want to see
one of those spins?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Let's see, because I think
we may have just
captured one here.

Let's have a look at this.

-Oh, second to last corner,
as is usual and...
-CARR: Here we go.

Perfect. Perfect racing line.
Yeah.

There you go. Whoa!
Yeah, there you go!

-That was my fastest time.
-I'm really, really sorry,
Jeremy.

I'm so sorry,
but can I have a go
in the Aston Martin, please?

-No.
-Please?

Thing about that, Jeremy...

The thing about that
is my little face
in a crash helmet.

It looks like a fat kid
that's been shut in a lift.

Well, what I loved was
the camera crews. They're
all on the radios going,

"Would it be all right
if we stood a bit further back
than usual?"

Because there was
this sense of dicking about
at enormous speed.

It sounds like you're quite
brave behind the wheel
of a car.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, you could have
rolled it over.

-What now?
-No, no, you could have done
in that shot there.

There's a moment when
it just hops. Michael Gambon
had a similar problem.

Now you would want to get
Health & Safety on that, mate.

You don't
want to let me out there
in one of those again.

Who'd like to see Jimmy's lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Okay, let's play it.

Did the clutch survive that?

Who cares?

Mirror, signal,
manoeuvre. Lovely.

CLARKSON: Let's have a look.

CARR: What's the matter
with that? That's fine.

CLARKSON: No, you're right.
I can find nothing wrong
with that first corner.

Let me tell you,
when they're not your tyres,
it's much easier to do.

CLARKSON: Oh,
now this is... That's...

That's a whole
new approach, that.

We are actually going to die.

CLARKSON: Did you brake?

CARR: I didn't brake much, no.

That squeaky noise,
that's the braking.

That's the tyres being torn
from the rims.

This is aggressive,
I can see what the guys were
on about out there.

I don't think it's aggressive.
It's playful.

CLARKSON: Did you lift off
going through there at all?

CARR: I don't think I...
No, I didn't lift off
for a second.

CLARKSON: Here we go,
into the second
to last corner

which is where
things went wrong here.

A little bit on the grass
and up to the last corner,
yes, just about there.

And there he is.

Thanks very much.

I got the time.

I've just been told.

How embarrassing is it?

-What do you think?
Anywhere...
-Is it... Is it...

Well, I'm hoping to
not be at the bottom.

CLARKSON:
Well, no, that's impossible.

The car was moving.
We could see that.

Yeah, I did go
the right way round.

You went the right way round.
You didn't do

what Jonathan Ross did
and get lost.

Well, Jonathan's way down.
It would be good to beat him.

Jonathan Ross?
Oh, yeah,
you've beaten him.

It'd be nice to beat
Steve Coogan.

Coogan was in the wet,
so don't worry you beat him.

-Bill Bailey, he's a
funny bloke. I liked him.
-He is funny.

You beat him,
was in the wet there
as well.

You had a dry track.
So you can forget these ones
down at the bottom.

Is that Kielty?
Did Kielty do that well?

CLARKSON: Kielty?

Oh, up at 1.48.
He did do that well.

I'm not sure I'm, you know...

Happy in mid-table,
I would have thought.

Happy in mid-table.

Well, you did it, actually,
in 1.46.9.

Jimmy Carr, you're the fastest
man to ever go round
the Top Gear test track!

Unbelievable!

-Is that a wind-up?
-It's not a wind-up.

Are you joking?
Are you joking?

Hand on heart.

-Hand on heart.
-Where's Jeremy Beadle?

That's...
It... It can't be.

Hand on heart,
that, despite the look of it,

was the fastest time ever.

You've taken Cowell
off the top.

Well, Jeremy,
thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jimmy Carr!

Let's talk about smarts.

Now, for the last few years,
they've been making
kind of cheap,

plastic city run-arounds,

like this City Coupe
and this Roadster.

But now they've gone
all mainstream,

which, for some reason,
prompted James and Richard

to throw darts
at a German's face.

HAMMOND:
This is Hartmut Sinkwitz.

And this is the new car
he's designed.

The Smart Forfour.

Now he's done a nice job.

We've no arguments
with its looks.

What ticks us off
is the brochure.

It says here that the interior
has been designed

around the concept
of a lounge.

Not four seats and a wheel,
oh, that's not good enough.
A lounge.

You see, these seats
can fold flat,

so you can slob out,

and this central arm rest
can do stuff.

See, a lounge!

So, Top gear decided that
the only way to
test out this claim

was for us to spend 24 hours
in the car.

That's 24 hours
imprisoned in the car.
We can't get out.

Thank you, Herr Sinkwitz.
Thank you so much.

So that's it.
This is our home until
9:00 tomorrow morning.

MAY: Now the two previous
Smarts, the City Coupe
and the Roadster,

are kind of out there
on their own,
with no real rivals.

But this Forfour
is more of a conventional
super-mini

with lots of competition.

So, it can't just be
a bit wacky and a bit funky,

it's got to be good.

The other reason
it has to be good
is the price.

This version may come with
a 1.5 litre engine,

air-con, alloys
and a CD player,

but it's 12,500 pounds.

And those fancy lounge seats
cost even more.

Now, think about it.
A top spec Micra or Jazz
is about 11,000.

This is a lot.

It's what my mother
would call "a bit dear."

HAMMOND : After two hours
meandering around Kent,

we decided to
kill a couple more

by testing the Forfour
on the motorway.

This car does naught to 60
in 9.8 seconds

and a top speed
of 118 miles an hour.

Sadly though,
it does make a meal of it.

MAY: It is a bit noisy.

It's a bit choppy.

It's a hard ride.
It's quite bumpy.

And in a long
motorway journey,

-you're gonna know you've done
a long motorway journey.
-Yeah.

HAMMOND: And the monotony
of the motorway

reminded us that
we still had 20 hours to go.

-I'm really bored already.

Do you know what?
I'm trying not to look at
too many things.

I'm sort of rationing myself.

Like, there's a sticker above
my head about the air bag.

And I don't want to read it.
I'm saving it.

MAY: By now,
it was lunch time
and we were peckish,

but we weren't allowed
to get out of the car.

So we were relying on
the Forfour's head turning
looks to help us get fed.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, madam.

Um, I was gonna ask you
if you could buy me
a Cornish pasty.

-There's lots of money,
bring us the change.
-Do you mind...

We've just made
that poor woman
join the back of a huge queue.

Thank you very much
and you brought the change.

You're really kind.
Thank you.

I want a drink.

MAY: Could you get us
a cup of tea?

Hello! Oh, you're really,
really kind.

-If you went there...
-Yep.

...could you get us
a copy of The Telegraph?

-Not bad cup of tea, that.
-It's all right.

HAMMOND: So by
early afternoon,
we'd learned that

the Forfour is expensive
and tiring on motorways.

But on the plus side,
its looks could charm
the birds from the trees.

Now it was time
to test the handling,

and where better than
sneaking a few cheeky laps
around an empty go-kart track?

MAY: That was terrible bit
of driving.

It wasn't. I used the kerbs,
that's what you do.

In truth, we had no idea
how the car would perform.

Because whilst the Smart
Roadster is one of the best
handling cars around,

the tiny Smart City car
is one of the worst.

But as it turns out,
the Forfour is actually
rather good.

-What do you reckon
from that...
From that side of the wheels.

From this side,
it just feels like I'm being
driven around by an amateur.

It's good, isn't it?
It feels quite perky.

HAMMOND: It's not bad, is it?

It's got real gears
which must make a difference,
actually.

HAMMOND: Yeah. This is the
first smart car ever to have
a proper gearbox, isn't it?

MAY: After that spirited
drive, it was time for
a tea break at the seaside,

where we could check out
some of the car's
comfort features.

MAY: You know,
we've been sitting here,
I've drunk my tea now.

We've been holding these cups
and I've just remembered that
this arm rest...

-It actually...
-Yeah, it rotates.

Yes, it does and it's got...

- A cup holder.

HAMMOND: I think
that's quite clever.
I mean it's not brilliant.

MAY: I think
it's another example
of cup holder one-upmanship.

This is all right, though,
this panoramic roof job.

Yeah, actually,
it illuminates the crossword
like no other car.

-Mate.
-Yeah?

I'm gonna have to go.

I am, I'm sorry.

It's not so bad, though,
because I brought these.

What is that?

Wee bags.

It's for...
You have a pee in it.

Oh, my God, that's hideous.

No, you...
So you wee in that end,

and then it's full of
special crystals
that turn into a gel,

and they absorb your pee.

-I'll get in the back.
-Yeah, would you?

Can I have the radio on
or something?

HAMMOND: It should be fine.

MAY: Oh, God!

MAY: It was time to head to
our overnight spot, Pluckley,

the most haunted village
in England.

If we could sleep in
the Forfour here,
we could sleep in it anywhere.

MAY: This little village
has got 12 ghosts,
apparently.

HAMMOND: Has it really?

MAY: The coach and horses,
the colonel,
the highwayman,

the miller, the monk,
the schoolmaster,
a screaming man.

HAMMOND: Wouldn't think
there was room, would you?

Where are we anyway?

Ah. We are in
The Screaming Woods.

Nice!

Hi! Hello, can I order
some pizza, please?

Yes, to take away.

Sorry, do you deliver?

You do, good, okay.

It's, um...

Well, do you know
The Screaming Woods?

Yes, opposite Fright Woods.

Um... That's where we are.

Okay? Um... Good luck.

-Cheers. Bye.

Don't take the Mickey.

Imagine...

He's gonna have to go past
the highwayman,

-the brickworks where the
other screaming bloke is...
-Screaming man, yeah.

...and the schoolmaster,
who was found hanging
from the tree by his pupils.

-All sorts of stuff.
-Ooh!
Hanging by his pupils!

That's got to hurt.

-No, not hanging by
his pupils.
-Oh.

-He was found by his pupils...
-By his pupils.

...hanging from the tree.

It could turn out to be
a totally ghostly pizza.

"When they opened the box,
there was nothing there!"

-It's the pizza.
-It's the pizza.

-MAN: Hi, mate.
-I suppose you're
the headless pizza boy

of the apocalypse, are you?

Ooh, yes.

HAMMOND: See, look,

it's more like a lounge
already.

MAY: Well, it's more like
a lounge now that it's got
a pizza in it.

-This works.
And you got tables.
-Yeah.

This back seat slides
back and forth,
so you pull the lever.

You move it back and forth
and you can put
your feet up on there.

But what I don't like is,
why do they have to call it
"lounge concept"?

-Why didn't they call it
"folding seats"?
-Folding seats.

HAMMOND: The interior
of the Forfour is
actually a nice place to be.

We'd been cooped up
in it for 16 hours now,

and we hadn't murdered
each other yet.

But maybe something else
would take care of that job.

MAY: What's that?

HAMMOND: Foxes, mate.

MAY: You sure?

MAY: What's that?
HAMMOND: Don't know, mate.

MAY: Something falling
out of a tree,
isn't it?

HAMMOND: With just
a few hours to go,

would we make it
through the night
to deliver our verdict?

Or would Pluckley
be gaining a couple
more ghosts?

So, obviously,
you weren't eaten
by Nearly Headless Nick.

-No, no, no,
we made it.
-No. We nearly hadn't.

But I do have a question,
which is,

did you really genuinely
spend 24 hours
in the car?

-Yes, we did.
-Yes.

You never got out?

-No. No, we didn't.
-No.

Hand on hearts?

-Yeah, absolutely.
-Twenty-four hours.

So, you've extensively
tested the car
and the verdict is...

-Would you buy one?
-BOTH: No.

It's too expensive
for what it is.

'Cause basically, underneath,
it's just a Mitsubishi colt,
isn't it?

It is, and actually,
the Colt, you get
more for your money,

it's slightly roomier
and it's less overall.

It's about 1,000 quid cheaper.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-So, would you buy the Colt?
-BOTH: No.

Okay, well, this leads us on
to an idea we've had.

It's the Top Gear
Down to Earth Board.

You see, the problem is,
is we get a lot of criticisms,

uh, from viewers who say that
we spend far too much time

talking about Zondas
and Ferraris
and Aston Martins,

and not enough time
giving advice,

uh, you know,
sensible buying advice to, uh,

to people in cardigans.

So, what we've got here
are all the small cars.

There's the little smart.
There's the Mitsubishi Colt,
on which it's based.

And now we've driven
all of these

and we think that,
if you're gonna buy
such a thing,

go for either the Honda Jazz

or the Toyota Yaris.

Those are the two, okay?

Right. Now, Aston Martin...

When I drove the DB9
earlier this year,

I remember thinking,
"Why would anyone buy
the Vanquish?"

I mean, they're the same size,
they look pretty much
the same,

they have the same engines,
same power, same top speed.

And yet the Vanquish is
60,000 pounds more expensive.

It just seemed potty.

But now, Aston Martin
have said

that this has been made
a lot, lot better.

CLARKSON: This is the result,
the Vanquish S.

The idea is that you buy
a DB9 if you want to
lope across Europe.

And then one of these
if you want a bare-knuckle,
pedal-to-the-metal thrash,

on a Sunday morning.

-Ooh! Hey, hey, hey!

So how then
have they created
this new sportiness?

It looks the same
as the old car
from the outside

and the interior is
pretty similar as well.

So, you're all
probably expecting

the engine to be some kind of
nitroglycerine fuelled rocket.

Let's have a look.

Nope.

They've fiddled with it a bit

but, in essence, it's the same
six-litre V12 you get
in the DB9.

Sounds pretty much the same
as before

and at 174,000 pounds,
it also costs pretty much
the same as well.

So at this point,
you're probably wondering

"Have they actually done
anything significant at all?"

Well, they've lowered
the ride height,

stiffened the suspension
and quickened up the steering.

But the simple answer is, no.

However,
if you really concentrate,

you can tell that
all those little changes
add up

to make a big difference.

I mean, watch this.

It's a bit like looking
at yourself in the mirror

after you've been
on a heavy diet.

You think,
"It's still me,

"but a kind of leaner,
fitter version of me."

They may have only fiddled
with the engine,

but the result is
520 brake horse power.

That's 60 more than before.

Flat out, you'll be doing
more than 200 miles an hour.

And it stops better too,

because it now has brakes

which aren't made
from old biscuit barrels.

But what about the stupid
flappy paddle gearbox?

Well, they say
they've corrected it
with the Vanquish S,

so let's find out.

Let's just stop,

put it into first.

Now, if I'd put my foot down
in the old car,

I'd just get a lot of smoke
from the clutch.

Let's just try this.

Yeah, that's okay.

Up changes are still
ludicrously jerky, though.

And...

It's still one change down

when I want it to...

Come on, I want second!
Now, now, now!

I paid for the car!

I want to choose
when to change gear,
not you!

I know best.

I have to say though,

that, apart from the gearbox,

this is way better than
it was before.

It feels faster,
tauter and harder.

So there is no doubt
that they have moved it away
from the DB9.

Unfortunately,
however, that means

they've moved it
right into the firing line

of one of the biggest names
in the business.

What we have here
is a Ferrari 575.

Like the Aston,
it's a big two-seater,

no compromise sports coupe

with a V12 engine
at the front,

a flappy paddle gearbox
in the middle,

and rear wheel drive
at the back.

And like the Aston,
it has recently been given
a thorough going-over,

to make it a bit more
of a brute.

When the 575 first came out,

it was a soft, quiet,
rather wallowy old hector.

Now, they've fixed that
quite quickly

and now they've fixed the fix

with what they're calling
the "GTC Handling Pack."

For an extra 16,000 pounds,
you get thicker
anti-roll bars,

stiffer suspension,
fatter tyres
and ceramic brakes.

You also get a new exhaust,
so it sounds like
a Ferrari should.

I have to say,
the changes have really
sharpened this thing up.

This has got a much,
much better gearbox

than the one in the Aston.

Still flappy paddles,
but less jerky on the way up,

and faster on the way down.

Better still,
if you're a serious driver,

you can have a proper manual
with a clutch pedal.

This is really designed for,
you know, posers.

People who have got carpet
warehouses in Huddersfield.

Just want to show off
to the mayors at golf club.

"Hey, I've got one of them
gearboxes like
Michael Schumacher!"

So, what do we reckon?

On paper, these two cars
are incredibly similar.

They both cost about the same,

they both produce more
than 500 brake horsepower,

and they'll both crack
200 miles an hour.

To decide which is best,
we need to do some
back-to-back tests

and that means
I need another driver
for the other car.

There's only one man
for the job,
Rowan Atkinson.

Sadly, Rowan was busy,
so I called an old mate
of mine.

He's a big petrol head,

Steve Coogan.

The first test we have
is a simple drag race.

Yes.

Well, I've got five more brake
horsepower than Coogan
in the Ferrari,

but I'm carrying
an extra 100 kilograms

and it's the weight
that's costing me this race.

Next, we did a braking test

and, once again,
the Ferrari was the winner.

But the big deciding factor is
how these cars make you feel.

I can't multitask!

I can drive or talk,
I can't do both.

Fu...

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

There was no doubt that
the Aston made
the better noise,

but what about
everything else?

Well, to decide,
we pulled over
for a little chat.

In terms of, like,
drivability, this is just,

uh, it just gives you loads
of information

when you're driving,
through your fingertips,

you can feel back end going.

-I mean, this is brilliant.
-Oh!

It's just that's
super-brilliant.

I wouldn't feel upset
if someone gave me that.

No, I wouldn't feel upset
if I'd bought one.

I'd think I've got a really
good car, but...

I would after about 12 months

when I looked
at the depreciation.

But if I didn't have to worry
about that,

if my first name was Sheikh,

then I would probably
go for that.

I just thought that
that was tauter

and more muscular,

and it is a little bit faster
and it does stop a lot better.

The gearbox is better
and I just thought

it was the better car.
However...

However, I'm bored
with Ferrari.

Well, I just... I don't...
Styling-wise, I mean,
there's no contest.

That's a much more
attractive car.

Oh, it's a nicer place to sit.

Nicer place to sit.

I was thinking, really,
if you are going to buy
a really expensive car,

-how would you feel sitting
in a traffic jam in the car?
-Mmm.

I once did own a red Ferrari,

it was like...
It was the Magnum one.

Did you have a...

Did I have a moustache?
I had a stick on one

I just took out
of the glove box

and stuck on
when I went driving.

And I got stuck
in a traffic jam in Camden.

And I remember
people walking past going,

"Ha, there's Steve Coogan
in his Ferrari."

I was going,
"Hi. Yeah, yeah,
I've got one of these, yeah."

So what we're saying then
is that for a thrashing round
on a test track,

the Ferrari's the better car.

Yeah. Definitely, yeah.

But we think it's a bit flash
and a bit boring now.

Yeah. And also,
mainly it's the styling's...

You know,
the last nice Ferrari,
the 355 is nice,

But all those Daytonas
and Dinos had real style

and there's something
just a bit...

I don't think these
will age well.

Given the choice,
I'd have one of those.

Yeah. So, um, shall we
arm-wrestle for it?

CLARKSON: We both agreed
the Ferrari was
the better car,

but because of that,
we both agreed
we'd rather have the underdog.

The Menardi, the Tim Henman,
the Bolton Wanderer.

The Aston Martin Vanquish
is not quite good enough
to win this test,

but precisely because of that,

it does win your heart.

So you both agreed
you'd have the Vanquish.

Do you know what?

I would actually save
the 60,000 pounds
and have the DB9, still.

-Really?
-I really would. The problem
with this is its gearbox.

-It's just...
-Still that bad?

Oh, no, bad...
Robert Mugabe is bad.

This is just in a way
different league of badness.

-That's very bad.
-It's appalling. Now, I mean,

the thing is, after I finished
with it, gave it to the Stig,

halfway around the lap,
it stopped selecting third.

Went back to the factory,
got fixed, came down,

he set off again, it stopped
selecting all gears.

Back to the factory again.

So did it ever actually manage
a complete lap?

Yeah. Finally, three weeks
after it first set off,

it finally managed
to do a lap.

And we've got it for you now.

Oh, slow off the line,
obviously trying to keep
the gearbox

in one piece before
he gets to the first corner,

which he is approaching now.

That's quite tidy
through there.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Right, and into Chicago here.

Oops, bit of a lurch
going on there.

A bit of over steer
on the way out.

Still, the gearbox has worked
all the way down
to Hammerhead.

So, that's not bad!

He's going round...
He's got an awful lot
of under steer there.

My God!

Of course, it is quite
a heavy car,
you have to remember that.

Into the Follow Through.
He's going to have to
slow down a wee bit for this.

That's very... It may be heavy
but it's very fast!

-Listen to that noise.

Whoa!

It is one of the greatest
noises in the world
that that thing makes.

Here he is,
second-to-last corner,

kissing the apex perfectly.

And round the last corner
and across the line.

-And the time is 1.27.1.

Which goes... Um, well...

HAMMOND: How does it compare
to the old one though?

-Well, that was 1.36.2.
-Ooh, it's down there, look.

-That was wet.
-It was the wettest day
we've ever had here.

So, you can't
really do anything about that.

I'll tell you what
you might be interested
in hearing, though.

We timed a DB9 round here.

Do you know what time it did?

Vanquish S, 1.27.1.

DB9, 1.27.1.

Oh, really? Sixty thousand
pound difference,
same time.

Exactly the same speed.
And it's this gearbox.

'Cause it wouldn't give
the Stig the gear he wanted.

It was driving him nuts.
He kept saying,
"But you changed it! Argh!"

Aston, please stop it!

Just stop it!
Offer a proper gearbox
for proper drivers, you know?

'Cause it's such a great car
and they ruin it.

They ruin it
with that stupid gearbox.

Anyway, while they're
changing that,

let's see how
the Ferrari got on.

Moving off the line,
he's leaving a huge
fat number 11,

because, of course,
the gearbox in that
can take the power.

Through the first corner...
Look how flat
that's cornering.

It looks just so much more
nimble than the Aston.

There he is, round Chicago.

You see, that's looking
better controlled than
the Aston as well.

Right, Hammerhead.
Here he is.

See, none of that under steer
that we got from
the Aston Martin.

He just held the line.

Little bit of power over steer
on the way out.

Heading down now to
the follow through.

Good, he'll have to lift...
He has to lift
through the tyre wall.

Of course, the paddle gearbox
is better in this
than it is in the Aston,

but that is like saying
rabies is better
than botulism,

as he comes round
the last corner
and across the line.

And the time is 1.26.8.

-So...
-So, it is quicker.

CLARKSON: It's actually only
0.3 of a second faster
than the Vanquish.

Only 0.3 of a second faster
than the DB9.

I was expecting
more than that,
I must be honest.

Nevertheless,
Ferrari has won a race!

Good Lord!

Isn't that amazing!

In fact, on that bombshell,
we have to end.

See you again next week.
Goodnight!