Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Clarkson Climbs a Scottish Mountain - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON: On today's
show, I go mountaineering
in a Land Rover Discovery.

-Richard goes mad
in Switzerland.

And the new Viper
slithers round our track.

Good evening,
and we start tonight
with a truism.

The only reason
why anyone bought one of
the old Land Rover Discoveries

was because they couldn't
afford a Range Rover.

-Now though, we've got this

new Land Rover Discovery,
and on the face of it

things aren't quite so simple.

CLARKSON: Let's go through
the headlines first.

With seven seats, it's more
practical than a Range Rover.



It's bigger than
a Range Rover,

more powerful than
a Range Rover,

faster than
a Range Rover,

and with prices
starting at £27,000,

it's quite a lot cheaper
than a Range Rover as well.

It all sounds great,
but if you dive behind
the headlines,

the story's less rosy.

First of all it's a lot
bigger than the old Disco,

as you can see.

But with the back seats
in place,

the boot is not what
you'd call commodious.

Then there's the problem
of actually getting into
those back seats.

'Cause what you've got to do
is put the headrest down,
tilt that,

and then lift the whole
seat up like so.



Now, this works well
and very easily
in the world of TV.

But in the real world,

I'm not so sure.

You see, in the real world,

Discoveries tend to be bought
by people who have children.

And if you get back
to your car, carrying a Harry,

how are we gonna do that
with one arm?

Someone wasn't thinking.

There's more evidence
of that, too,

with this control panel
which allows
children in the back

to adjust the volume
and the radio station.

I'd love that.
Oh, I'd really love that!

As a family car, then,
this is beaten by
the Volvo XC90

which, incidentally,
is a lot cheaper.

There's another problem, too.

For complicated
production reasons,

this car has a sort of
monocoque chassis like you get
on a Range Rover.

And then it's got
a separate chassis
like you got on the old Disco.

So it's got two chassis.

As a result,
it weighs 2.7 tons.

And that makes it heavier
than a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

It's so heavy that
if you were to load it up
with stuff

and then hitch up a trailer
to the back,

technically
you'd need an LGV licence.

And then there's
the performance
to think about.

I've got a turbo diesel engine
in this one.

It's from Jaguar
and it's brilliant.

Very smooth and very refined.

But putting it in
a car this heavy

is a bit like trying
to move the moon
out of orbit

using the motor from
a food blender.

You put your foot down and,
come on, kick down.

It doesn't really happen.

You can solve the problem

if you go for
the 4.4-litre petrol V8,

which is also from Jaguar.

But if you do that,
you won't be driving past
too many of these.

I don't want you to get
the impression though

that the new Discovery
is a bad car,

because in some ways
it's very good.

First of all, it's
a handsome looking brute.

Looks like the kind of thing
you might expect to find

on a lunar space station.

Inside, it's nowhere near
as stylish as a Range Rover,

but nor is it
as utilitarian as a barn.

And you do get an awful
lot of equipment as standard.

Seems well-made, too,
which is odd for those

who know Land Rovers of old.

On top of all this,
it's really not bad to drive.

I mean, it's not as luxurious,
let's say, as a Range Rover,

but for something this high,

it doesn't roll on
the corners as much
as you might think,

and the ride's exceptional.

But then of course it would be
'cause it's got two chassis.

It doesn't go over bumps,
it just flattens them.

Poof!

Now, we could sit here
all day long, frankly,
with me saying,

"Mmm, I don't
really like that,
but I quite like that."

But there's no point,
because overall,

I like the new Discovery.

I like the way that it
no longer feels

or looks like
the Range Rover's

rather stupid rural cousin.

And yet it still feels
like the real deal.

It may end up being used
in Shepherds Bush,

but unlike most of
the other Chelsea tractors
you can buy these days,

it feels like it could be also
used by shepherds...

In the bush.

In fact,
Land Rover are adamant

that despite
the air conditioning
and the thick carpet,

this car does work
on the rough stuff.

To find out whether
it really does work off-road,

I've come up
with one hell of a challenge.

See, I'm gonna try
and drive this car

to the top of that mountain.

And no one has ever
driven a car up there before.

Ever.

This is Mount Cnoc
an Fhreiceadain,

which stands
at the top of Scotland,

1,007 feet above sea level.

When you examine the terrain,
it's easy to see

why no car's ever been
to the top before.

There are rocky outcrops,
peat bogs, sheer cliff faces.
The lot.

This is going
to be quite a trip.

And we'll be picking that up
later on in the show.

Now, though, it's time
to do the news!

And we'll start the news
with the new Discovery.

The first one
has been delivered

to a man
in Northern Ireland,

and we have a picture
of the event.

HAMMOND: That's amazing!

Now, the question here,
I think, is not why, but how?

How did
a helicopter lift that?

I mean that's...

That's a Puma, isn't it?

Yeah, that's for
sort of small tanks.

Yeah. I mean, they're easy
compared to a Discovery.

I think it would've been
easier to attach
the helicopter

to the world and pull
the whole planet around

until the car was near
the man's house...

-HAMMOND: Less ambitious
project.
-...than do that.

Right, news of another car.
Uh, can I show you,

it's the PT Cruiser Cabriolet,
have a look at this.

-JAMES MAY: Ugh!
-Now,
I've one question.

-Well, I got one question.

How much don't you
want that car?

I mean... No, seriously.
It's just...

How much is it?

It's 17 and half...
Oh, I can't even look at it!

-It's £17,500.

I would rather eat
£17,500 in pound coins.

I'd rather eat £17,500's
worth of gravel.

All the... Than that.

-You know how Socrates died?
-HAMMOND: No.

-Hemlock.
-He drank hemlock.

Because the option
he was offered was
to have a Greek soldier,

and this is true,
put his fist up his bottom

and pull his heart out.

It's a true story.
Or you can drink hemlock.

I'd rather have
the Greek soldier.

Go on!

Ooh, this smarts!

Oh, my heart's
coming down my back passage,

but at least I haven't got
a PT convertible!

-Look at it.
-That's perfectly fair enough.

What the hell
were they thinking of?

Look at this.

It's so awful.

Um, you know
the Bugatti Veyron?

Yeah, Volkswagen bought
Bugatti and said,

"We're gonna make a supercar
that's got 1,000 horsepower."

Which sounds great,
but they haven't yet
worked out

how such a thing
might be possible.

-They just said it!
-They just said it.

Anyway, they're still
working away on it.

Now, the people that were
making all the sort of perfume

and the leather wash bags
that were gonna go with it,

you know, Bugatti-branded
stuff, got bored with waiting.

So they're all starting
to launch the stuff,

and the latest, right,
is this watch. Okay?

This is a Bugatti Veyron watch
that I'm wearing.

-HAMMOND: Very nice.
-Okay.

Now, you can't see
the face there,

because when you hold
the steering wheel,

okay, like this...

See, that's where the face is.

Because when you're
holding the steering wheel,

if you don't want to look
at the clock on the dash
for whatever reason...

You can look at your
wristwatch without taking
your hand off the wheel.

-Guess how much it is?
-No idea.

A grand? £140,000!

-No! No!

And it's absolutely hideous!

The ridiculous thing is,
is that I had to do it up

and it took three men.

Three men to help me
put it on.

How does this clip work?

'Cause honestly, you just...
You do, you need a butler
to tell... Work that out!

That's 140 grand
for a watch commemorating
a car that doesn't exist.

And never will exist.

That's amazing.

Oh, I've got some
very bad news.

Britain's common toad,
apparently, according
to environmentalists,

-is facing extinction.
-Oh, Lord.

It's gonna become
Britain's uncommon toad.

And the reason is,
according to a report I read
this week, is that, um...

Well, basically
it's not your fault
'cause you live in town.

-It's your fault
and my fault...
-Sorry.

...for living in the
countryside
where we drive too fast.

Apparently, when you're
pootling along at
30 or 40 miles an hour,

it's okay.

But now we're doing 50 or 60,
the toad is being killed.

But this doesn't
make any sense!

-Because...
-You run over a toad.

It's a dead toad!

I mean...

It's not gonna
lie there going,

"Oh, thank God
he was only doing 30

"in his Discovery.
Thanks, mate!

"Thanks so much!"

Slowly going over it.

"Cheers!"

The great thing is, of course,
is you know all these
pressure groups,

they always have to have
the snappy,
sort of sound bite.

I've got a great one here.

Come on, what is it?

-They've spent hours
working on this one.
-Go on.

"Speed kills!
And it kills more toads."

I've got to have
that as a sticker.

"Speed kills!"

-Is that the end of the news?
-No!

No! It's not the end
of the news.

Right, there's a whole lot
of race series,

all running around the world
and they're all rubbish.

Okay? They're all boring.

And a particularly boring one
is the GT thing,

it's for like 911s
and Listers
and nobody watches

and it's on Sky 48 at 3:00
in the morning.

Anyhow, next year,
Ferrari are entering it
with a 575,

Lamborghini are entering it
with a Murcielago,

Maserati have built this,
which is the MC12.
That's going to be in it.

So it sounds great,
if a bit Italian.

But I've got some good news
for you.

This is Britain's entry!

It's the Aston Martin DBR9.

Now, you can buy one
for £500,000,

uh, although can't use it
because it's a racing car.

-Look!

Now, look at the problem
here, you see, this spoiler.

Cut a toad clean in half,
that thing would.

What we've got in essence
is a DB9 chassis,

DB9 body, although
it's made of carbon fibre,

DB9 engine tuned to develop
600 brake horsepower.

And it only weighs 1.1 tons.

Now, you see those
little carbon fibre holes
down there?

HAMMOND: These things here?

When it races in America,
there are gonna be
lights in those. Okay?

And when one's on,
it's winning.

Two on, second.
Three on, it's third.

Now, what
I want is one on
all the time.

Yeah.

I want it to wipe the smile
off Ferrari's face.

ALL: Yeah!

-In fact, that should
be this car's mission.

That's all it's for
from now on. Definitely.

Right, now, every week
we get emails and letters
from children asking

"Which is the craziest car
in the world?"

Well, that sounded like
a bit of a challenge.

Now,
you might think Japan
to find the maddest cars,

or America, but no.

You have to come
to that hotbed of European
craziness, Switzerland.

And that's a bit odd
because the Swiss
aren't big on cars.

They don't have
a motor industry

and they don't even
allow motorsport

in case someone goes to fast.

Despite all that,
there is some pent-up
car passion in this place,

and every so often,
like a volcano, it goes off.

This is the Bedouin.

It's the creation of Rinspeed,
a Swiss company
that specialises

in making one-off cars
for well-heeled petrolheads
all over the world.

It started out as a 911,

and then it was turned into
a sort of £300,000 Versace.

But because it's got
twin turbos, it'll still do
0-60 in under six seconds.

Fabulous.

But I can sense you're wanting
a little more surrealism.

So let's look at
the details, shall we?

The gear knob is none
of your Halfords
£2.99 rally special jobs.

Oh, no. This one is crystal.

And in fact, the whole
of the interior isn't just
clad in sumptuous leather.

It is liberally swathed
in Swarovski crystal. Nice.

Think of it as a kind of
Swiss Porsche Liberace.

But the fun isn't over yet,
oh, no, because it does this.

Possibly, the most
over-engineered
boot lid in the world.

The Rinspeed workshops
are hidden away
in the Swiss mountains,

where they are guarded
by killer cows.

And inside the lair,
strange and wondrous
machines are created.

It's as though Q has
been hijacked by the
Bond baddies

and put to work in
secret labs in the mountains.

And the results are amazing.

This thing runs on gas and
kind of tilts in the middle.

That one has got
a hovercraft on the back.

And that one,
don't even get me started.

And this is well worth a look.

The Presto.

It's based on
a Mercedes A-Class.

I know, not the most
exciting of starts.

It does have clever
tail lamps, but whoopee-do.

But it does have
another trick.

You see, I think there must
be a bit of parking problem
in Switzerland,

because this is
a four-seater roadster.

It's quite long.

But at the touch
of a button...

That is impressive.

But remember, we're looking
for the maddest car
we can find.

So, onward!

And so we come
to what is, I think,

the Holy Grail of cars
that are just out there.

This is Freddy. He's Swiss.

He has to be with me

for reasons I shall
explain in a moment.

This car has a 750cc engine
from a snowmobile.

And that's interesting,
but not amazing.

It would cost you
just under £900,000,

and while that is
pretty astonishing,

we're not quite there yet.

So, what is it about this car
that makes it the one
we've come to see?

Well, it's called the Splash,
and there's a clue,

because this is the world's
first hydrofoil car.

The rear spoiler folds down.

Other spoilers deploy
from the side and fold out.

And all of a sudden...

We're flying!
On the water. In a car.

Yes!

I'm scared,
but strangely thrilled!

So, it took a few attempts,

I had to come to Switzerland.

But I think
we've finally done it.

We've found what is got to be

the maddest car in the world.

CLARKSON: Very good!

£900,000...

Oh, yes. Yes.

-And it's a sort
of boat-car-plane.
-Flying plane, yeah.

And therefore I think
the craziest car ever.

Unless, of course,
you know any better,
in which case let us know.

Absolutely, but now it
is time to put a star

in our reasonably-priced car.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Joanna Lumley!

-Hi, there. How are you?
-I'm good.

-Have a seat.
-Thank you.

Now, this is an honour.

This is a proper honour
to have you here.
It really is.

I'm so thrilled.
I watch this every week.

-You do?
-Yeah.

-You're even a fan
of the show?
-Yeah.

What else is on Sunday night?

Most people can find
something better
to watch, frankly.

Um, now the thing is that
you sound like a blue-blood.

-Yeah.
-But I've been reading
up on you,

and it sounds like there
might be a bit of petrol
going on in those veins.

-It's there.
It's running through.
-Really?

Ever since, yeah...
Ever since, I can remember,
I liked...

I liked cars above dolls.

I used to have a little garage
when I was young.

And I've still got
a collection
of little tin cars.

Your first love affair
was with a Rolls-Royce.

-Yeah.
-Why is that?

Because somebody knocked
on the door and said,

"Joanna, there's
a car outside,"
you know.

"It's 550, do you
want to look down?"

I looked out the window
and went...

"It's a Rolls-Royce!"
And he said, "Yeah, just 550."

£550? Yeah.

She was peachy.
It was a Silver Wraith, 1949,

with running boards and
big Lucas headlamps.

And it had, um,
windscreen wipers

that you had to take
both your hands off the wheel
and start them, like that.

An interesting idea.
I'm surprised that
didn't catch on.

And the doors opened
like that,

so, sometimes
if I hadn't shut it properly,

they'd fly open
and take a cyclist away.

But then...
They're quite useful,

'cause you did
the whole Lucie Clayton
finishing school thing.

-Yeah.
-About how to get in
and out of cars.

Yes, knees together.
Smile, hand. Thank you.

All that. Sitting like that.

But you do learn
how to get out without showing
your knickers, don't you?

Yes, you have to. 'Cause they
always think you're gonna be
taken out in an E-type Jag.

And of course you never have
a boyfriend who's got an
E-type Jaguar. Never.

You know, they go by Tube,
my boyfriends.

-So that was a bit sad
and a waste of time.

And also I didn't want
to sit there.

I think there's something
so sad about women
just sitting in a car.

The cars come to a stop,
they switch it off
and they say,

"Here's the restaurant, dear."

And you sit there as if
you've suddenly become
completely disabled. Why?

You've got your own
handle here,
can't you get out?

No, they've got to
sit there like that,

looking at him
come around.

Now, I sat next to
someone at dinner
the other day

-with a bottle of wine and she
wouldn't pour it for herself.
-Oh, I hate that.

-Just pour it
if you're thirsty!
-Just pour the stuff!

I'll tell you what I hate most
is waiters who pour then

and put the bottle over there.

I've paid for it!
Put it there.

-And bring another one
while you're at it.
-Yes!

Now, you've actually
stalked a car as well
at one point, didn't you?

Oh, I fell in love.

Properly and deeply in love.

It was... I don't know
the right name for it
but you can tell me.

It was one of those
Bentley Continentals,

frog back, do you know
the one which goes down to...

Somebody here will know.

Anybody here know
what that Bentley Continental
was called?

No. Subarus, they're
good at, Bentleys...

-It's brilliant, yeah.

So we can dub
this in later, I'll just go,
"The Bentley Continental..."

-And they can...
-Oh, no, no.
I've got to look good.

So, I'll go, "Oh, the..."

-I know the one.
-And it was dark, dark blue
and it was in Knightsbridge.

And I saw it and thought,
"I must have that car."

Drove around Knightsbridge
got around,

another time of day, saw it,
saw where it was parked.

Wrote a note and put it
under the windscreen,

to the Bentley. I said,
"I just adore you! Be mine!

"If you're ever going
to be sold, get your man
to phone this number.

"Phone me and
I will buy it.
I will buy it."

-And?
-Complete stand-off.

-Nothing?
-Nothing.

And you said,
"It's Joanna Lumley"?

No. No!

-Mmm, that's
probably a mistake.
-That would be a bit pushy.

I'd have rung.
You could have pretty much
anything you wanted, really,

if you leave a note.

Right, were you never
tempted by, you know,
the exotic Ferraris and so on?

Yeah, I was so tempted
by an exotic Ferrari

that my husband, Stephen,
who is here today, and I,

at a charity auction,
we went in and went, "Ooh,
look, bottle of wine there...

"You got this raffle there..."

So I go,
"Ooh, it's a Ferrari!"

Shown on the tilt like that,

crimson, with the lid off,
and you go, "That's gorgeous!"

When the bidding comes
your arm starts
going like this.

-And so we bought it.
-After you'd drunk some wine.

"Waiter, leave the
bottle here!
Give me some of that."

And suddenly
we owned the Ferrari.

We owned this 328
boy-racer red Ferrari.

But then the difficulty,
of course is, you know,
living in London,

is where we live in
South London,

they've built some
colossal road bumps,
some of them as big as that.

Mmm.

Try Fulham!
It's like Bechers Brook!

Whoa, we're coming up
to the canal turn!
Everybody lean back!

Listen, on the Ferrari,

you'd get on to the top
of one, and the little wheels
were going round!

Did you ever think then about
getting a 4X4? 'Cause
that's what I...

You know, they keep saying
why we build these speed
bumps and then they...

Yeah, we've got a 4X4.

-You've got a 4X4.
-Yeah, it's Lexus.

-I'm sorry!

You wanted me to say that
and I've said it.

-I didn't know what it was.
One of those RX300s?
-Yeah.

Can it actually cope when it
gets to a sign saying,
"Welcome to Scotland"?

"Welcome to Scotland",
little foot down a bit,
120 miles an hour.

-Really?
-And although I never break
the speed limit...

Um, but of course now
I was discussing actually
with the audience,

-before you came out here.
-Yeah.

-What you are,
are you Patsy?
-Yeah.

Or are you Purdey?

See to me,
where are you?
Patsy or Purdey?

-Patsy? Patsy?
-WOMAN: Purdey.

Yeah, but you see, what you're
not gonna realise,

we've a photograph here, okay?

Look at that.
In The New Avengers,
as Purdey.

-That's right.
-That is quite
a look, isn't it?

It was quite something.
Look at that person.

-Just fantastic.
You know, our producer...
-Hmm...

...Told me that he sent off
for this photograph

-when you were
in The New Avengers.
-Did he?

-Yeah, do you know
what he got back?
-What?

A picture of Gareth Hunt.

-Now, in this, of course,
you had a...
-I had a TR7.

This is what Purdey...

I wanted a Stag, 'cause...
The Triumph Stag was
a pretty car,

just come out,
looked beautiful, good lines.

But they had a deal
with British Leyland.

-Is TR7 a British Leyland?
-Yeah.

TR7, and so they got
a little yellow car for me

'cause they thought that
would look again a little
bit cute and girly, but still.

It was a truck to drive.
It was a really
hard little car.

But I had to do
handbrake turns
and sort of,

skid the bum
into the camera and things
occasionally, which I learnt.

Again, you have to learn how
to do that. I've forgotten now
I'm ashamed to say.

But then I did learn how
to do good handbrake turns

and drive up to the camera
and just slam on the jam.

The crew would going,
"Set of underclothes, please!"

And the other thing
of course, with working
with British Leyland...

Yeah.

'Cause Brian Clemens,
who produced
The New Avengers

and went on and
did The Professionals,

always used to say that
British Leyland never
got continuity.

And would take the cars
away at the end of a shoot

-and then just
send a completely...
-Completely different car.

Yeah, completely...
No, no, you see,

"Purdy's got a yellow TR7,
and you've sent
a blue Dolomite Sprint."

I'm sorry
but that's all we've got
in the garage at the moment.

It's just extraordinary.

For some reason they just...

Patrick Macnee drove a thing
which we used to call
the "Big Cat".

It was a Jaguar,
it's actually a beautiful car.

The one with
the flared wheel arches?

Flared wheel arches.

That was the most fantastic...

-Fabulous!
-God, it was a good car!

But there were
three of us Avengers now.

And so the two chaps,
Gareth and Patrick,

were sitting in the
front going,

"Steed, what do you think?"
"Well, I don't know, Gambit."

And in the back,
not big enough
for a nodding dog,

would be Purdey.

Like this, trying to talk
through the thing.

Anyway, I can't imagine
that this ability

to do handbrake turns
and so on, set you up
in good stead,

really, for Ab Fab.

Patsy never mastered cars.

Also, she'd realised
that if you drive a car,

you have to fill it up
with petrol
and you have to pay.

Yeah, neither of which...
And you can't be drunk.

You can't be drunk.

And you got to have
a few of your organs left
inside your body.

She's had
most of hers removed.

Anyway, the thing is, is that
after this life of car stuff,

-Ferraris, Bentleys...
-Yeah.

-You wind up here...

...with our Suzuki Liana.

How was it from the inside?

For some
extraordinary reason,

I don't think I've ever been
so afraid in my life.

-Really?
-Well, 'cause The Avengers
was 35 years ago.

Handbrake turns.

Since then, I've been driving
like what I am,
a grandmother.

"Oops! Sorry!"

You know, and all this
sort of business.

And I let people in and...

-Christian motoring,
as we call it here.
-Christian motoring.

Christian motoring,
it doesn't work.

And suddenly they're
out there with The Stig,

and he's going, "Trust me,
you've got to go. I saw your
foot coming off the pedal.

"Down again, down again."

Well, should we find out?

-ALL: Yeah!
-Oh!

Okay, let's see the lap.

CLARKSON: Well, that's a good,
aggressive start,
very Avenger-ish.

-Was it wet or dry?
Looks like some puddles.
-Dry.

Dry track. Good.

CLARKSON: That's
a good line through
the first corner there.

Following the Jodie Kidd
principle of don't...

Oh! Wait a minute!

LUMLEY: That was
the second to last one.
I didn't always do that.

-No, that's the first...

Were we on medication
for this?

I've never seen anyone
go off coming out
of the first corner.

No, I only did that once.

God, you .

CLARKSON: Well,
it's obeying. Good.

This is the Hammerhead,
tricky little corner this.

And that's very, very neat,
that one is.

Was it all right?
Oh, bloody...

CLARKSON: That was perfect.

LUMLEY: I'm reliving it.
This is memories
of something...

CLARKSON: Did you
lift off there?

LUMLEY: No. But I did
at once stage,

I did exactly what
The Stig said...

-Look!
-CLARKSON: There.

Bloody hell!

This...
I did some tragic stuff
round here.

CLARKSON: I like the bravery!
I like it!

And there we are,
across the line, everybody!

Now, then.

-It's the moment of truth.
-I know.

-Where do you think?
-I just...

If I get quicker
than Terry Wogan
I'll be happy.

You needn't use
a car to do that.

You could have just walked
around with a dog, perhaps.

So, your time.

-One minute...
-Yeah?

-Fifty...
-Yeah.

So, we're already there.

51.5!

Ladies and gentlemen.
How about that!

Oh, that's fantastic!

Quicker than Jordan!

Quicker than Vinnie Jones,
quicker than Johnnie...
Well, he broke the car!

-Did you say
you're a grandmother?
-Yeah.

That is fantastic!

Without a doubt,
the fastest grandmother
in the world to date!

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Joanna Lumley!

-Thank you, Jeremy.
-Look, that's brilliant!

CLARKSON: It was designed
and built in a shed

by a team of just 17 men.

At the time, Dodge
was strapped for cash,

so they had to use whatever
they could lay their hands on.

The 8-litre V10 engine
was taken from a lorry.

The wheel hubs were lifted
from a pickup truck.

The body was made
from old canoes,

and the chassis
from 19th century
railway sleepers.

The end result however,
was astonishing.

It had no boot, no roof,
no windows,

and it handled like
it was drunk.

But so many people,
me included,

loved the raw simplicity

that Dodge has just made
a new version.

Here is the result.

Of course, this being
a product of
21st century America,

the health and safety people
have stuck their noses in.

We have got warning notices
here and here

which say that "Death
or serious injury can occur,

"children under 12
can be killed...

"The back seat is the safest
place for children."

Right. Uh...

This one here tells me that
the exhaust pipe can get hot.

There's a good one.
"The vehicle may include
mercury-added devices."

Including "rear seat
video display."

They are fairly determined.
It's got back seats

but this, I think,
is the problem with health
and safety boards.

They live
in a parallel universe.

This, though, is my favourite.

"The top support behind
the seats", that's um, this,

"is not a roll bar.

"This is an open vehicle.
Drive carefully."

No.

If they wanted me
to drive carefully,

why have they given me
an engine that's even bigger
than it was in the old Viper?

It's now an 8.3 litre V10,
which kicks out
500-brake horsepower.

And that's a lot.

That, in fact, is a hundred
more than you got
in the old car,

and that means
serious performance.

0-60 mph takes 3.9 seconds.

Flat out, you'll be riding
a tidal wave of thunder

and doing 195 miles an hour!

And this incredible
turn of speed is only part
of the makeover.

Anyone familiar
with the old Viper simply
wouldn't believe the features

that are available
on this one,
the sequel.

I mean, it has a space
which could be used
for transporting goods.

Look at this.
It has a roof which can
be raised and then lowered,

depending on
prevailing weather conditions.

I love this.

If you touch this button here,
glass rises out of the door.

And I love this!

The pedals can be adjusted
using electricity!

This car is so sophisticated,
it could write its own name.

Yeah... There.

It is very impressive,
this writing business.

But if it was really clever,
it would know it's not called
the Viper any more,

it's actually called
the SRT-10.

So don't worry.

It may look
like Lord Greystoke,

but underneath the new suit,
it's still Tarzan.

It's still an absolute animal!

It does handle in the most
extraordinary way.

You get
miles and miles of grip.

And then, when you reach
the limits of adhesion,
it kills you!

And because there's
so much grip from these

hugely fat tyres,

you're going really very,
very fast indeed,
when it does let go.

There isn't even
any traction control,

which would be all right
if there was some finesse
to the suspension.

But there isn't!

Yup...

If you tried that
on the public road you'd be
branded a complete maniac.

Look at the smoke!

This is a psycho car!

It is a mother of violence!

On the one hand benign,
gentle and concerned
for your well-being

and on the other...
An axe murderer!

No European car
is this wayward.

And what's more,
if you gave a European
engineer 8,300cc to play with,

he'd come up with
a damn sight more than
500 brake horsepower.

We can get that much
these days
from a pencil sharpener.

And also, European cars
are rather less
ostentatious and vulgar.

We grew out of
chrome wheels in 1972,
except in Cheshire, perhaps.

And what's more,
it's not cheap.

You pay £80,000

and they don't put
the steering wheel
on the right side.

Also, I think you may tire,
after a while, of the exhaust,
which runs along here,

um, setting fire
to everything.

That could become boring.

So, it's internal combustion,
with a hint of
spontaneous combustion.

It's wayward, it's backward...

And I just don't care.

It has the same brutal charm
as the old one, really.

-Wh...

It's as stupid
and as wonderful
as owning a pet elephant.

Good car.

Mad, but good.

Yes, good car. Good car.

-So, this is a terrible car.
-Oh, awful.
Absolutely dreadful.

-But you love it?
-Yep. I do. And there's a
very good reason for that.

I love the
barn door engineering.

When you change gear,
it is like moving

the lever in a
Victorian signal box.

And when I was doing
that name writing thing,

you know, you can hold
the brakes so you stop the
front wheels going

and then
make the back ones spin...

And I was doing loads of...

And there was clutch smoke
pouring out of here,
but it kept working.

And I really do admire that.

Brunel, he would
like this car,
the heavy engineering in it.

The big question is, though,

what's The Stig
gonna make of it?

Ooh! A lot of axle tramp there
as he sets off the line!

Oh, no! And it's soaking wet!

That's gonna give The Stig
something to think about
out there in a car.

Already, look, he's really
wrestling the wheel there,

trying to keep it
on the island.

Which, of course,
he manages to do beautifully.

# When I die
And they lay me to rest

# I wanna go to the place... #

Right, coming up to Chicago,
this is gonna be
understeer, oversteer,

every conceivable type
of steer as he heads
on down toward

the Hammerhead
with a tail hanging out.

Part of the problem we've got
with this car is the diff.
It's just so slack!

Everything about it is
crude and awful.

But he's probably
having more fun in there

than he did
in the Enzo last week.

I'm dying to know. He must be
doing, what, 30-40 mph as
he goes round there.

Up to about 55,
but with a big grin
on his face

as he comes into
the second-to-last corner,

still holding it together
and across the line in...

One minute, 28.5 seconds!

That's unbelievable because...

On a wet track,
it's hard to do...

On a wet track, it's only
half a second slower
than the, um...

BMW M3 CSL!

It's ostentatious and vulgar
and expensive,

but much, much faster
than you might think.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've been
waiting for all year.

The results of the
Top Gear 2004 motoring survey!

Absolutely. Now this is...
Oh, please! You don't know
what they are yet!

This is the biggest survey
of its type.

Now, we can tell you
how fast a car is
and how it handles.

The important thing is,
only you can tell us how
satisfied you are with a car.

What it's like to live with.
And that's exactly
what you've done.

And the most satisfying car
on sale in Britain today,

it scores top marks
in pretty much everything,

is...

The Honda S2000.

-It is, I know.

-Jeremy likes it, but...
-Jeremy loves it.

Yeah, yeah,
that's all well and good.
Okay, that's a success story.

But let's get... Let's look at
the other end of the scale

where the
interesting stuff is.

-142 cars, is it?
-Yes.

142 cars in the list.

Who wants to know
what was bottom?

Which is the least
satisfying car owned
in this country?

Anybody wanna hazard a guess,
what do you think
would come up?

-Ford Fiesta?
-MAN: Subaru!

Subaru's don't break!
They just go on forever
and ever!

-MAN: Fiat Panda!
-Fiat Panda!
There's none left!

Oh, you mean the new one?
I don't think anybody
knows yet!

Shall I tell you?
I'll tell you.

It's a Mercedes M-Class.

It's that. This is it.
Here it is.

You voted for this
as the least satisfying car.

Actually, for Mercedes,
the whole thing
was a bit of a disaster.

Because they have
six of their cars in the
bottom third of the survey.

And what you told us was,
it's not so much the cars,

they're all right,
they've got their problems.

It's the dealers.

You go in to have them fixed
and you're let down.

You don't get the service
you want.

So, Mercedes,
you've been told.

Now, an interesting thing
about the bottom 10 is that
seven of them are French.

And this survey also shows us
that seven out of the 10
worst smelling cars in Britain

-are French.
-But I don't get...

What do you mean, smelling?
I don't get that.

No, it's because
they don't wash
their cars.

No, no. I mean it's just what
they smell like
when they're new.

It's what the inside
of the cars smells like
when they're new.

And if it's French, frankly,
it smells of merde.

I can tell you, if you
actually look at the top,
towards the top of the list...

So, we're being
positive again.

There are what,
seven Japanese cars.

-Seven Japanese in the top...
-Which is not a big surprise.

Two Skodas, again, perhaps
not a surprise now.

Anybody want to hazard a guess
what the second placed car,

the second most
satisfying car to own is?

-MAN: Hyundai.
-Hyundai?
Whoa.

-Lexus.
-Good guess!

They don't break,
but you wish they would.

I can tell you,
the second most satisfying car
was the Jaguar XJ.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-That's not bad for Jag.
-Ah, but is it?

-You see, because last year,
the XJ came first.
-Yeah... Yes.

-Which means
it's now twice as bad.

But, in its favour,

-it has been voted Britain's
best smelling new car.

I think we should get back
to that Land Rover Discovery
at this point, yeah?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah, yes!
-Good idea?

See, earlier on,
I tested it on the road.

-Now, it was pretty good.
-It's more than that.
It's a fantastic car.

Well, it's not as good
as an XC90...

No, it's a lot better
than an XC90.

-We can't agree on that. Okay?
We don't agree on that.
-No.

We're gonna move on because
now it is going to face
the toughest test

I've ever dreamed up.

I'm going to try
and drive the Discovery

to the top of this
1,007-foot mountain,

near Cape Wrath
at the top of Scotland.

No car has ever been
up here before.

Obviously, I have made
one or two modifications

for this genuinely
difficult journey.

I'm wearing wellingtons
and so is the car actually.

I fitted these, kind of,
very chunky off-road tyres

and I've equipped it
with a winch.

Right.

Bloody hell.

On the way up, I hope to learn
how the Land Rover works

in some of the most hostile
terrain on the British Isles.

And also, we shall learn
some new bushcraft,
Clarkson style.

Ray Mears keeps telling us
that we have much to learn

from ancient tribes
from around the world.

But you know what?

I think they have more
to learn from us.

I mean, sure,
an Eskimo hunter-gatherer

could get up this
part of the mountain
in a pair of shoes

made from moose hooves,

but it's much easier
in the new Disco.

You see, instead of levers
which you used to pull
in the old Discovery

to make big bits of metal
underneath fuse together,

this has just got
a series of buttons.

You tell the onboard computer,
which was designed by
four blokes in Banbury,

what kind of surface you're on
and it sets
the car up properly.

So I've told it now I'm on
sort of wet, grassy,
peaty rubbish,

and it is pulling me forward.

So now I've got,
kind of, rocks.

So what I'm gonna do is
put it onto rock crawl,
which is that one.

And then the onboard display
here tells me

that we've now got
a locked centre differential,

the ride height's gone up,
it's engaged low range for me.

So...

Here we go.

It's pulling me over,
all right.

Oh, this is very, very clever.

I'm not entirely surprised
that no car's been
up here before,

I must be honest.

I want a peat bog setting!

It's very wet and sticky!

Now, there are
a couple of issues
at this point.

First of all,
have you ever seen a view
as spectacular as that one?

Apart from that one,
obviously, over here, look.
That one there.

Or that one, maybe,
with the sea in it.

But more important,
have you ever seen a slope
as vicious as that?

There's the summit, look.

How the hell am I
gonna get up there?

I'm up a very steep
bit of hill here.

Now, this is something
I wasn't expecting.

I appear to have arrived
at an enormous valley.

I just thought it... Oh, damn.

Blast!

This is so depressing,
going back downhill again.

-Oh! Come on, car.

Come on. Oh.

Now, you see.

I'm as stuck
as I don't know what, now.

Of course,
being a well-prepared, modern,
21st century sort of guy,

I had this winch fitted.

All we have to do is
pull this cable out
and attach it to a tree.

Oh, bugger.

So, what Shackleton would do
at this time

is row halfway across
the South Atlantic
to get help.

What I prefer to do
is use one of these.

Hi. Yeah.

Help.

While the brave men and women
of Scotland toiled
to free the car

with their handy land anchor,

I came over all peckish.

Ray Mears is forever
telling us that

you can start a fire by
rubbing together some
pieces of heather.

Um, I find it's much easier
to use a couple of pints
of diesel

and simply splash it
on my kindling.

There we are.

Ah.

In no time at all,
I have a lovely pan

full of steaming,
winter warming broth.

Mmm. Delicious.

So much better than
eating the bark from
a bonga-bonga tree.

Ow!

The land anchor, meanwhile,
was doing its work.

It's pulling
the whole of Scotland!

They've done it!

And now I shall go back
into Edmund Hillary mode.

Here we go again.

Of course, it would help
if I weren't the world's
most useless off-road driver!

Power, power, power, power.
Come on, come on. Oh.

Not again.

Oh, for...

Where are the strong men?

Oh, dear.
Has some trim come off?

You caught it on the heather.

What I've managed to do is
get it from,

well, this there,
where that green bit is
to here.

While it was being freed
this time,
I came over all thirsty.

In Touching The Void,

the injured climber
stays alive by sucking
moisture from the rocks.

Hmm.

Mmm. I think it's better
probably to simply
open a can of fizzy drink.

Mmm!

Yeah, now that's
a tasty beverage.

See, I'm doing
all the work here.

Drive?

Of course
you might be thinking,

"Why on earth
are you doing this?

"I'm never going to
drive my car over
a Scottish mountain."

Thing is, though,
this watch, okay,

that goes to 1,000 feet.

But I'm never gonna take it
down there.

I'm never gonna go
to 1,000 feet.

But it's nice to know
it's okay
when I drop it in the sink.

Fearful of getting
stuck again,

I decided at this point

to stop fannying about at 1mph

and see what the car
could really do

by pointing its nose
at the summit

and flooring it.

The results were spectacular.

That is a lot of revs.

Can't stop.

I'm not stopping.

Nothing is gonna make me stop.

What this car does

is bring civilisation
and comfort

to bits of the world
that would otherwise
be difficult

and inhospitable.

Oh, my God!
Look at that view!

And no car has ever been
up here before.

And I don't want any
conspiracy theorists

saying that that's
a sound stage in Nevada, so...

Ah.

There we are.

Proof.

That car made it.

-That's amazing!
-Mmm.

But I've got to say...

I've got to say
you really put your back

into that whole
off-road thing there, Jeremy.

That's what I love
about this car.

It means you can go
mountaineering
in a weak and lazy way,

-which suits me
down to the ground.
-HAMMOND: Yeah, yeah.

I have to say,
as a family car,

-I still think
the XC90, the Volvo...
-HAMMOND: I disagree.

I know you disagree,
but it still
gets back to that.

But as a machine though,
this is just phenomenal,
it really is.

And the great thing is

we've got two even more
phenomenal machines
coming next week!

Here's a taster.

That is the Aston Martin
Vanquish S,
the new one,

and the Ferrari 575.

-So we'll see you then!
Good night!