Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Mountainboarder vs. Rally Car - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,
the Ferrari Enzo,
the Jaguar XJ220,

the Pagani Zonda,
the McLaren F1,

the Ferrari F40
and the Porsche Carrera GT.

Hello! And I'd like to extend
a particularly warm welcome

to the chap who telephoned
the BBC to complain
that in last week's show

the cheapest car we featured
cost £29,000.

Plainly, he won't like
the line-up we've got tonight,

so, just for you,
we're gonna kick off tonight

with a nice, sensible,
family hatchback.

HAMMOND:
For the last six years

the Ford Focus has ruled
in the land of hatchbacks.



Its looks were revolutionary

and even today,
in its old age,
it's still amazing to drive.

But now the old warrior
is dying

and the rivals
are swarming in
to carve up the kingdom.

There's loads of them.

The bullet-proof
Toyota Corolla
and Honda Civic.

The chic old Renault Megane,
the spacious Seat Altea,

and leading the attack,
the new sharp-suited
Vauxhall Astra.

And the evergreen iconic Golf.

Time, then, for the Focus
to come out fighting.

This is the brand new one.

It's on sale in
a few weeks' time.

So, let's have
a look at it.

And just to liven things up,
we'll let out
its two biggest rivals,



the Astra and the Golf.

HAMMOND: Now,
as you've probably guessed,

this car has got a lot
to live up to.

And we start with
bad news, frankly.

I mean, just look at it!

The old Focus was
a bit of a head-turner,

it was a real
love or hate car.
And that's good.

But this one,
this is a brand new car,

and you'll have to
point that out to people,

tell them,
or they won't even notice it.

HAMMOND: Let me
show you what I mean.

This is the most important
new car of the year,

and here it is
on the High Street
on a Saturday afternoon,

months before it will
actually go on sale.

Let's see how many people
give it a second glance.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, here we go!
No, he didn't.

Baldie? No.

Oh, dear.

Now, this wouldn't
be so bad

if it was just up
against something as
conservative as the Golf.

But alongside the new Astra,
the Focus looks desperate.

Inside or out,
the Vauxhall is definitely
the more handsome car.

Just look at it in here,
it's so much more modern
and refreshing.

So, first strike to
the Astra on looks.

But then the Focus
starts to fight back.

It may be
quite incredibly drab
and dreary in here,

and, trust me, it is,

but there is an
air of quality to it.

The plastics feel classy.

The switches feel better
put-together than before

and all the knobs
and anything you have
to operate feel chunky.

And the space back
here is amazing.

Even the three-door
is enormous.

And the boot
is bigger than anything.

Volkswagen, Vauxhall,
or anyone else
can throw at you.

And then there's
the question of price.

All these cars are posh-ish,
high-powered diesel versions.

All of them have
alloy wheels, air con,
a full half a dozen air bags,

CD player
and six-speed gearboxes.

But whilst the Focus costs
£17,375,

the Astra is £600 more,

and the Golf is £18,500,
a full £1,100 more.

So, the newest car
here is also the cheapest
and the roomiest.

Two strikes to Ford.

The Focus is starting
to show its class
behind that dreary face,

and it's got one more
weapon up its sleeve.

And that's the way it drives.

Now this was the old Focus's
party piece.

So, let's see if
it's passed on the torch.

Oh, yes.

For a family hatchback
this is still a real giggle.

The steering is sharp,
much sharper than
you'd expect it to be.

The Golf and the Astra might
have improved in recent years,

but they're still nowhere
near as pin-sharp to drive
as the Focus.

It's actually
pulled off a clever trick.

You see the ride is
better than the old Focus.

It feels more refined,
more grown-up
than the old Focus.

And yet it's just as much fun.

I just know,
on a very ordinary morning,

on a very ordinary dash
to a very ordinary
train station

this would put
a bigger smile on my face
than any of the others.

Under the skin,
then, the new Focus
is a very good car.

But it blows
its own trumpet so badly
with those dull looks.

The question is,
will it get under your skin
the way the old one did?

So really,
it's just the styling issue
that we're worried about.

And I've got a theory on that.

-Really?
-No, it's a good theory,
this one!

These cars become so common,
that they're like pylons.

Big wires hanging off 'em?

No. You just don't
notice them, so it
doesn't really matter.

So long as it's not
offensively ugly,

so long as it's not
a Kia Rio, for example.

It doesn't matter
that it's a big bland.

Regrettably, I think
on this occasion
your theory stands up.

I think you're right.
It doesn't matter.

And if you take the
looks out of the equation,
then that's it.

-I think we're
probably agreed.
-Yeah.

-The Focus is the best.
-Focus is number one.

Unless, of course...

Unless what you've
always wanted

is a car of this size
and price

but with a steering wheel
that when you turn it,

the middle
stays where it is.

If you've always wanted that,
a Focus is no good.

That's really funny
he should mention that,

because in the studio
we've got the new Citroen C4.

And when you look inside,
you discover

that the steering wheel turns,

but the middle
stays where it is.
Look at that!

That's absolutely remarkable.

What's more?

We think this is a really,
really good-looking car.

And, because it's a Citroen,
it's going to be good value.

Of course,
you know why Citroen
always offers so many deals.

-Oh, yeah,
they fall apart.
-Exactly. Cheap.

They don't use
nuts and bolts
to make a car.

Far too complicated
and expensive.

-HAMMOND: Spit.
-Yeah, they go...

Lick the door mirror
and stick it on like that.

Oh! Just before
we do the news,
we've had a letter.

I got to share it with you.
Here, pink notepaper.

All the "I"s have got
little circles on them.

-Ready? "Dear Richard."
-All right.

"Yeah, I watch Top Gear.

"I think you're
the best-looking guy
on the programme."

That's hardly
an achievement, is it?

-"You're cool."

Fair point.

"You're cool,
good-looking, ace hairstyle,
wicked clothes.

-"Best wishes..."
-She sounds great!

That's, uh...
That's Stuart.

-It's a modern world,
that's all right.
-It gets better because...

Would you like to know
Stuart's address?

Not really, no.

The Folkestone Wing,
Her Majesty's
prison, Broadmoor.

-Broadmoor?

He's getting out soon
and he wants to know...

-But he could be watching now.
Shut up!
-Can't. No, listen...

"What did you do
with all the shirts
from the last series?

-"Can I have them?"
-No. No...

Or yes. How long
is he gonna be
at that address?

-Do we know?
-It's better than that.

Stuart, come on in!

The Ferrari...

Ferrari have given
the Pope a present.

-Very nice.
-Sounds very nice. Yes.

It's a Formula One car.
He's 84!

-What's he...
-He's got Parkinson's disease.

He wanted slippers.

What's he...
What if he uses it?

New 3-series BMW,
photographs have been
revealed this week,

thought you might
like to have a look.

Uh, there it is.

Now, found a few things
out about it.

It's going to be a range of
petrol engines, obviously.

2-litre, 2.5, 3-litre,
there'll be a diesel.

Inevitably
there'll be an M3
along in a while.

It's bigger in the back,
bigger boots, bigger car.

And the best thing
I think is that the man
responsible for ruining

the look of all BMWs
in recent years

has obviously been
locked in a cupboard
while they did that one.

This is not really
that ugly to behold.

-You're talking about
Bangle, aren't you?
-Yeah.

I'm not having this,
"Ruined all BMWs".

The 7-series,
I think, looks fabulous.

And the Z4, that is
a fantastic-looking car.

No. You're not
quite right there.

-I mean, I agree
with you. It...
-Well, I am.

No, you're not.
It's good,

but the 7-series
is a little bit wonky.

-That was the
first one he did?
-Yeah.

-The 6-series.
-Yeah.

-That is a truly
fabulous modern car.
-Either way.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
offering their opinions...

...on the BMW range there.

No, don't. What?

Actually I think that
probably will be
a very nice car to drive.

I mean,
they always are.

BMs are always
nice to drive.

But they're just
so golf-ish now.

-I'm talking about...
-As in VW?

No. No, just this
stupid trouser thing.

-Can we move on?
-CLARKSON: Yes.

Very briefly, I just
wanted to point out,

Eurostar,
you know the train that
you can go abroad on, in,

have now announced,
with some fanfare,

that you can get from
Peterborough to Paris

in about three
and a half hours,
which is interesting.

It's just that I bet

they're not making
the same song and dance
in Paris.

-"You can now get from
Paris to Peterborough."

Why? I mean...

Ooh. Now, Mitsubishi.

You know the Evo?

Well, of course
you do, yeah.

The latest one,
they've just announced,

will have
400 brake horsepower.

That's unbelievable.
From a two-litre...

From a two-litre engine.

How big is the
turbo going to be on it?

-And what is it
going to suck up?
-Everything!

-Everything you pass!
-Children with kites.

-Yeah.
-Whoa! God!

-Apparently, you have to
service it every 4,500 miles.
-Yeah.

I reckon it's simply
because they've got to
empty the turbo out.

I mean, if you started it
in the garage one day,

it'd just be full of
lawn mowers and old dinghies
and sledges and paint.

There'll be a lot more
"lost kitten" signs
on lampposts.

-No! No!
-Eaten up by a Mitsu...

That's sad.

Ferrari. Um...

Now a couple of years ago
they introduced this
amazing new hypercar, really.

It was called the F60.

And we've been trying,
ever since,
to get hold of one.

Yeah. For two years!
They cost £500,000, so we
couldn't buy one, obviously.

They wouldn't lend
one to us at Ferrari.

We rang Avis.
They didn't have one
we could hire. Or anything.

I rang up Jay Kay,
who's got one and said,

you know,
"Can we borrow yours?"

And he said,
"Yeah, if I can borrow
your daughter.

"'Cause it amounts
to the same thing."

And then out of the blue,
Nick Mason, who's the drummer
with Pink Floyd,

telephoned to say
that he'd got an F60
which we could borrow,

if we promised
to plug his new book.

Well, we aren't really allowed
to plug stuff on Top Gear.

But I said to him, "Look,
if we can have your F60,

"I'll slide a couple of
references in."

"And I don't think any
of the bigwigs will notice."

CLARKSON: This is
what the fuss is all about.

And it's easy to see why.

For sheer excitement
and pizzazz

it's hard to
think of anything
which can match it.

The only thing that
comes close, really,

is this book
that I've been reading.

It's called Inside Out:
A Personal History
of Pink Floyd

by Nick Mason.

Um, it is beautifully written,
remarkably well produced

and at just £30,
exceptional value.

CLARKSON: Of course,
anyone can buy the book.

It's for sale
in every good bookshop,

whereas only 399 F60s
were made and you couldn't
just choose to buy one.

You were chosen by Ferrari.

And you were only
selected if they thought
you were worthy.

One of the lucky ones
was the author and
part-time drummer, Nick Mason.

So how much of a thrill was it
when you got the call from
Ferrari to say

that you could have
one of these F60s?

Oh, it was
absolutely terrific.

In fact, it was probably
as exciting as the moment

when I actually got my
hands on the first production
copy of my book.

Oh, your new book, yeah,
which I have to say
is absolutely excellent.

It really is
absolutely wonderful

'cause it sort of chronicles
the whole history
of Pink Floyd.

The thing is, though,
how would you compare
the car to the book?

I think that's
a tough call, Jeremy.

I think they're both
enormously exciting

but perhaps most importantly
they're both great value
for money.

Marvellous. Thank you.

CLARKSON: What he's saying,
then, is that his car is
as good as his book,

so it must be quite a machine.

You only have to look at this

Formula-One style
steering wheel to know
that you're in something

unbelievably special.
I mean, look at it!

It's a Saucerful Of Secrets.
You've got red lights here

to tell you when
to change gear

and then you've
got one that says,

"Mode", a button
and then another
button with "Set"

and one for lifting the
nose up when you get
to a speed bump.

And "Race"!

Race! Look at that one!

That one turns the
traction control off.

Don't think so!

CLARKSON: You'd have to be
a fully paid-up member of
Exit to do that.

There's more F1 stuff too,
like these gear changes here
behind the steering wheel.

Okay, when you pull one,
like that,

the on-board computer...

I'll just shut it up a bit.
The on-board computer
disengages the clutch,

selects a new gear,
orders up a burst of torque
from the engine

to sustain you during
the change and firms up
the rear suspension

to stop the back
of the car squatting.

And it does all that
in 150 milliseconds. Ready?

Don't be fooled though.
Unlike the last limited
edition Ferrari,

the F50, which was
a big, ugly, vibrating
pile-driver of a thing,

this was not designed
to be an F1 car for the road.

It was designed to be
a road car for the road.

Though, quite which
road they had in mind,
I have no idea.

Atom Heart Mother!

I've never known
such savagery!

There's incredible gear change
and the responsiveness
of the steering

and then there's the
speed of the thing!

The monster making
that torrent of sound
is a six-litre V12

that develops
650 brake horsepower.

That's 45 more
than you get from
a Porsche GT.

It's 100 more
than you get
from a Ford GT.

Come on! Come on!

Mummy!

That is the Delicate
Sound Of Thunder.

You just
Set the Controls for
the Heart of the Sun.

And just like that
you are on The Dark
Side of the Moon.

Wish You Were Here

just to feel this power!

But then
it does need
colossal grunt.

Because although it's made
from carbon fibre and Kevlar,
it's actually quite heavy.

Sitting still,
it weighs more
than 1,300 kilograms.

At 186 mph, however,
when the downforce
from that body kicks in,

it weighs
more than two tonnes.

But even so,
the top speed is 218 mph.

This thing would eat
a Porsche Carrera GT.

It makes the Porsche
look like a Bentley.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

Only astronauts have felt
power like this before.

The gap between this and
the Mercedes McLaren SLR

is as wide as the gap between
Michael Schumacher
and David Coulthard.

This is now
the performance benchmark.

This is the speed king.

This is the Division Bell
between the ordinary

and the
absolutely astonishing!

Ferrari are
so pleased with it,

they've named it after the
founder of the company.

They call it the Enzo.

That would be the same
as Lotus calling their
next car the Colin.

It is so brilliantly focused.

I mean, look at this cabin.
There is nothing to
distract you.

There are no electric windows,
there's no sat-nav,

there's nothing
to distract you
from the job of driving.

'Cause when you're in here,
that is all you want to do.

Just drive and drive
and drive.

The Enzo
is a masterpiece.

There's a real sense
that it's a massive,
barely contained fury.

That you're in control
of something biblical,
something utterly magical.

Something wonderful.

And when you see it parked
alongside its rivals,

you can't help thinking that
we really have reached a peak.

That supercars today
are approaching a state of
engineering perfection.

The thing is though,
Nick Mason could
now take this car home.

We've finished with it.
But instead, look how
he is going home.

Why is he doing that?

That is a very
good point though.
Why did he do that?

I mean, how long
has he had this?

Well, when I drove it,
it had done 300 miles.

300 miles! And he's
already gone back to
using a helicopter?

Yeah. As soon as
he'd taken off and was
Obscured By Clouds...

Very good.
Ah, saw that one.

Um, I got to thinking
maybe these modern supercars
like the Enzo,

maybe they are achieving
this sense of, kind of,
engineering perfection,

but for sheer gut-wrenching
"I've got to go
and drive it" excitement.

Maybe the older stuff
from like, 15 years ago,
is better.

Stuff like the McLaren F1
and the Jaguar XJ220?

Exactly. So later in the show,
we're going to put
the older stuff

against the newer stuff,
to see which is better.

And also...

-We'll let the Stig
do a lap in the Enzo.
-HAMMOND: Yes!

CLARKSON: Yes.
Can't wait for that.

Now though,
it is time to put our star
in the reasonably priced car.

She's quite simply
the biggest-selling female
British artist of all time.

Of course,
not as big-selling as
Pink Floyd, I should say,

which I have been
reading about in this
riveting book

full of fascinating facts
about Pink Floyd.

Absolutely, but she's done
very well for a ginger,
never the less.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Geri Halliwell!

How are you?

Have a seat.

You...

-You're looking fantastic!
-Thank you.

You know, this reminds me
of a car auction.

This, this...
This whole place.

Yup! It would do.

They're all auctioneers,
these people.

-Yeah.
-They buy and sell Cortinas.

Every Tuesday.
I thought you'd
know about that.

-Yeah, my...
-Because your
old man was...

Car dealer.
Second-hand,
dodgy car dealer.

-That's okay, they all are.

So, what have you
been up to?

'Cause you've been
awfully quiet just recently.

Yeah, I was taking time out
in Los Angeles.

And I spent
the last three years
just writing my album.

And I'm just
about to release...

You can just stop.
We don't do plugging
on this show.

So...

I'm just...
I'm not plugging,
I'm just telling the truth.

-Okay fine. So there's
a new album out?
-Yes.

-We don't want to
know the name.
-Okay.

Not unless
you're gonna give us
a half million quid supercar

and then you can
frankly say anything
you like about it.

I can... I can lend you
my Mercedes, if you like.

-Not good enough.
-Aston Martin?

-Hmmm, what sort?
-A DB7.

-No. Sorry.
-Okay.

No, if it were a DB9,
the new race car,

we'd obviously discuss.

Is there a single coming out?

-Yeah.
-There is?

Yeah.
It's called Ride It.

What? No, I was talking
over the top of that.
So we never heard it.

And...

-Anyway, what...
-You're funny.

-I haven't started yet.

What worries me slightly
is that you're not gonna be
looking quite so good

in 10 minutes time,
after we've seen your lap.

Because your
driving career
is shocking.

But it is.
I've never read
anything like...

How many times
did you crash,

in say, the early days
of the Spice Girls?

Yeah, I had a lot. Seven.

-In how many...
-Six months.

-Seven?

But kind of little crashes.

You know,
'cause it's more like
when you're distracted.

'Cause I had
four other girls with me

and I used to drive
my Fiat Uno everywhere.

And it'd be whether
they'd pass me
a chewing gum,

or, you know,
if I was talking,
or just looking in the...

It was those
kind of silly things.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Once I went out
of a no-exit.

And this cyclist
went into the back
windscreen over Victoria.

-So that's it.
-They're mushy, cyclists.

-Yeah.
-They cause very little
damage to the car.

-I took him to hospital.
-Oh, did you?

-I did.
-Was he a nice chap?

-He was.
-Oh good. You didn't...

-Nothing happened there.
You didn't...
-No!

Your list of requirements
for a man is...

Let's be honest,
quite long.

-Do you think I'm just
asking too much?
-Well, I got it from...

From your book.
I'm not gonna say what
it's called obviously.

You say that your perfect man
has to love his mum,
be trustworthy, kind,

good-looking, funny, sexy,
healthy, bigger bank balance
than yours,

virile, 28-38, loyal, fit,
lots of free time and is
respected in his own right.

I've dropped a few of them.
He doesn't have
to be that age.

-He can be younger.
-Oh, fine!

'Cause I was gonna
say this is me,
apart from that...

-Okay. How old are you?
-The age...

Edge the age up to, like, 44.

-Oh, that's okay.
How tall are you?
-6'5".

-Oh, really?
Oh, I really like tall.
-6'5".

-That's good.
-Yeah.

'Cause I'm so little,
genetically.

-You've had it.
-Are you really...

Yeah, I mean,
check it out.

Okay.

Check. I think
you fit perfectly.

And I could
rest my pint there.

-Yeah.
-That'd be perfect.

Actually, we've gotta say,
your brother rang.
Did you know this?

-Did he?
-To tell us about
your driving.

-Really?
-Yeah.

"The problem is,
when she's driving,

"she makes the actual
business of driving

"fourth or fifth on her
list of things to do.

"If she's not doing
her bloody hair
or make up,

"she's on the phone or
playing with her dogs
or whatever."

-That's what he said.

HALLIWELL: Did he?

And then he says,
"Every panel of her Aston

"has a scrape or a dent,
even the roof."

How can you get a scrape
on the roof?

-How can you get
a scrape on the roof?
-Low bridges.

-No.

You see,
even in Los Angeles,
they're not that low.

Uh, you're accident-prone
away from the road as well,
I believe.

Your dog for instance?
What happened
when it went to Chequers?

We went to Tony Blair's
house for Christmas,
in Chequers.

And I brought Harry...
'Cause he's a really good...

Dogs are great icebreakers
when you're a little bit shy,
and you haven't met someone.

Anyway so, Harry went missing
and everyone else had gone
for a tour of the house,

and then I found him in
Tony Blair's study and
he'd done a big pee.

You know, where he
does all his research.

I'd like to do that.

-How did Tony take it?
-He took it very well,
actually, I have to say.

You know.

Okay, so what was the first
car that you got when you
kind of made it big?

When I was a little girl,
one of the first family
portraits I had...

It was this little,
tiny, red convertible.

And, so when I got my first
cheque for signing my
record deal,

I got a 1967 MGB Roadster.

I've always been obsessed
with cars, old cars.

It had silver spokes.
It was beautiful.

But sadly, two or three days
after I got it,

I pulled the handbrake on it
and I left it on a hill.

And I just caught it out,
out of the corner of my eye.
And it rolled into a...

You did.
Your brother actually
said he told you,

you should always leave
an old car in gear.

Okay, yeah.

-And you didn't listen?
-No.

-And it rolled down
and it hit a...
-Lamppost.

Lamppost. That was...
Another one had gone.

And today, you have one of my
very favourite cars actually.

-The old Merc.
Which one is it?
-It's a 280SL.

-The old pagoda roof?
-Yeah, Grace Kelly car.

-Kate Moss has
got one as well.
-Has she?

Yeah.
They're glorious cars.

George Michael
bought it for me
as a birthday present.

-Really?
-I thought I'd name-drop that.

-I feel very proud of that.
-That is a nice thing.
Why did he do that?

Because I think he loves me.

Well, perhaps,
to stop you
driving his cars.

Yeah. The funny thing is,
the reason why...

Well. I was driving
his Mercedes
in the south of France

and I hit that one!

So there we go.

Have you ever driven a car
for any period of time
and not crashed it?

-I haven't crashed this one,
the one that George bought me.
-You didn't?

-Um, right, now.
The lap.
-Mmm-hmm.

-I had a little help
on Monday.
-Really?

I did some extra training
with a Formula Three...

I think you met him earlier.
Formula One Driver.

-And his name is Jamie Green.
-Where did you go?

Ah, it was just in Bedford.

-Oh, the Bedford Aerodrome
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Good track.
-Good fun. Lot of fun.

And what were you
driving there?

Ah, I drove a really
crappy car to get used to
what we were doing today.

-Yeah.

I have this motto,
fail to prepare,
prepare to fail.

So, I can, you know,
just have a try a little bit,
put the footwork in.

Jeremy, I think it's
always just to do
your best, that's it.

I like to give my best.

And that's what you think
you have done today.

You know what?
I don't know if
I did my best today.

I was quite more
overwhelmed with...

I'm premenstrual,
so I'm a bit like that.

I don't think that...
Sorry! That's not very..

No man will understand this.

The only way I can get
a man to understand this...
It's a little bit, um...

It's kinda like
you wanna feel like you
wanna hit someone. And...

-Did you tell the Stig?
-It's a bit like road rage,
before you even have it.

So, and that's not good
for driving. So it's better
to relax, isn't it?

So therefore,
I was in a kind of
more of a state of tension.

Let's find out.
Who would like
to see Gerri's lap?

ALL: Yes.

-This is the moment of
truth, Geri.
-Oh, God.

Here we go.
Let's play the tape.

CLARKSON: Now that's
an aggressive start.

Come on!

CLARKSON: An aggressive
gear change, I would say.

Oh, is it raining?

-HALLIWELL: Yeah.
-Look at the speed!

You go too fast in,
you'll skid out.

Yes, look.
You've gone and
skidded miles out there.

It's very...

I like the aggression.
The aggression is good.

Very fast into every...

CLARKSON: That's very good.

-CLARKSON: Now, did you
lift off going through there?
-A little bit.

Corner slowly on the thing.

CLARKSON: Right.

CLARKSON:
This is impressive stuff!

And there we are,
across the line.

-HALLIWELL: Oh!
-That is honestly...
That is impressive.

-Is it?
-It is!

To continue the tradition
of spelling everybody's
name wrong on there,

Harry Jellywell.

That's what we'll do.

One minute.

55.4. So you're not Whiteley.

You did very well.
You're right about there.

Give her a round
of applause everybody.

Look.

-Who's Boris?
-Boris Johnson.

-Who's that?
-Liverpool's famous son!

-Jonathan Ross.
-That was 156,
Jonathan Ross got lost.

He got lost?

He got lost. Johnny Vegas
hasn't got a driving test.

Harry Enfield, pathetic.
Then Richard Whiteley.
What can you say about that?

-Okay.
-We actually had a blind man
ring up the other day.

Said he reckons
he could go around faster
than Richard Whiteley.

What do you reckon,
should we give him a try?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

In the meantime,
ladies and gentlemen,
Geri Halliwell!

-Thank you.

Now, time to
answer a question.

And it's a question
that's been vexing
the nation, it's this.

Which would win in a race
between a car and a boy?

You might think
the answer, is obvious,
but we weren't so sure.

This is a really
steep hill in Wales.

It's the sort of place where
you find people racing these,
all-terrain boards.

It's quite a piece
of kit made from
carbon and Kevlar.

And specially built to
travel at great speeds
over rough ground.

HAMMOND: Impressive.
But so is this.

It's a Group N Mitsubishi
Evo 7 rally car.

And it too, is specially
built to travel at great speed
over rough ground.

More importantly,
it's got an engine
and a pretty good engine too.

300bhp, two litres,
with a whacking
great turbo on it.

Whereas the
skateboard's engine

is this, a 16-year-old
youth called Tom.

He's from the West Country.

Now, we love an unfair
challenge on Top Gear,

so which one of these
is going to be faster
in the race?

The Cornish teenager
or the turbo charged
rally car?

This is the course
where they'll be competing.

The locals call it
the Green Mile.

It's a half-mile stretch
of prime Welsh hillside

that's been turned into
an off-road race track.

Packed with sharp turns,
rough ground and steep dips.

And actually the car
will have a tougher time
than you might think.

Because despite
his fluffy top lip,

Tom is the
double world champion
at all-terrain skateboarding.

At full chat downhill,
he can travel at 40 mph,
and that's a lot,

especially when you
haven't got brakes.

Maximizing the car's chances
is professional racing driver
Ben Collins.

Here we go. This is it.
Machine against grumpy teen.

Oh, this is too terrible.
I can't watch!

The wet grass is
as slippy as sheet ice

and the Mitsubishi is
struggling to put down
all that power

or use the brakes.

Not only that,
the car is having to
steer around the obstacles,

whereas the boy
is simply spearing
straight down the hill.

Our driver is getting
murdered out there.

Well, that was a blow
for technical progress.

The internal combustion engine
trounced by an acne-raddled
teenager on a plank.

Now, not that we're
sore losers or anything,
but it's double or quits time.

We've just upped the ante.

This is a Bowler Wildcat.

You may remember it
from a previous episode
of Top Gear.

It's got a five-litre
V8 engine,

300 horsepower,
and a race car style tubular
space frame chassis

that was designed
to shrug off light knocks.

Like being dropped
40 feet onto its nose.

This car was built
to monster the Paris-Dakar,

so it should make mincemeat
of a small hill in Wales.

Okay, here we go.
Try this, kiddo!

Much more like it!

The aggressive, knobbly tyres
give the Bowler grip

and let the aggressive,
knobbly driver steer it
where he wants.

You see, sometimes,
you just got to teach these
youths a lesson.

Show them who's boss.
It's for his own good.

Probably.

Good lad. Good lad.

Okay, it's time to
do the Cool Wall!

And we shall begin
with the Vauxhall Monaro

that we saw
in last week's show.

Big Aussie V8.
What do we think?

AUDIENCE: Cool.

CLARKSON: Subzero.
You hang on a minute.

-You think it's...
-Subzero.

-You are an Australian!
-Yeah.

-Why are you over here?
-DB9 actually.

You think it goes in
the DB9 section?

Wow! Well, this is
interesting because

we're struggling to think
of a single Australian thing
ever that's been cool!

-Can you think of anything?
-MAN: Foster's!

-Not really.
-Who said Foster's?

Who said...
You said Foster's?

-It is. Yeah, it's cool.
-Yeah, it's cold.

But I wouldn't call it
a cool drink.

You know what I'm saying?
I prefer Chablis.

HAMMOND: I'll tell you
what, Jeremy, rounding up
cattle with a helicopter.

You know when
they do that?

No. I've done that.
It's rugged,

but it's not cool.
Also, they're quite gay.

I do think that
this is a cool car.

-I agree.
-Yes!

It's not super-cool,
it's Australian.
But it is a cool car.

-Can I do one?
-By all means.

The new Porsche 911.
You drove it on the
program last week.

Now you said
it's kind of sharper,
and a bit edgier,

and it's gonna get
the fat, balding,
middle-aged blokes out a bit.

-What do we think?
-Which makes it cooler.

We'll then go with uncool?
Yes?

-MAN: Uncool.
-Uncool. Why?

She looks the same
as every other Porsche.

-Well, that's the point of it!
-CLARKSON: Anybody else?
You've got an opinion?

-I think it's quite cool.
-CLARKSON: Wrong!

-Wrong, wrong, wrong.
-I agree with the lady.
I think it's cool.

No, you're wrong again!

I went to have a look
round a school, okay,
for my children.

-Inadvertently took
this car with me.
-And?

You could see the pupils
making a mental note

that when my children start,
they're gonna be bullied.

-What?
-They gonna flush their heads

down the lavatory
for five years.

"Has your dad still
got that 911?

"Is it yellow?
Get in there."

So if you want your
children to be bullied,
this is the car to buy.

And as a result,
it's very, very uncool.

The new Mercedes SLK.

And the old one was
a little bit girly.

Um, this though,
I think with that kind of
Formula One-ish

front end there, that,
I think, is maybe
a cool car now.

What do we think?

-AUDIENCE: Cool.
-Cool car?

HAMMOND:
I think it's getting there.

-MAN: Cool.
-Cool?

-WOMAN: Cool.
-Cool.

-Cool.
-Cool.

-A general cool consensus.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

You think it's cool?
Unfortunately,
you're all wrong.

It's down here
for a very good reason.

HAMMOND: Because you say so.

-No. There's an even
better reason than that.
-I didn't...

Wayne Rooney has
bought one for Coleen!

No, you're right!

I'm sorry. Unless Mercedes
can confiscate that car
back from the lovely Coleen

that's gonna stay down there.
Which is a pity.

-It is a pity.
-What about this?

-Ah.
-Ferrari Enzo.

Well, we'll rule well though
and move about.

-Cool?
-Cool.

-Fridge of its own.
-Fridge of its own?

-What? Beyond the DB9?
-Um...

You think this is
cooler than the DB9?

-Yeah. I do think so.
-Really?

-And you?
-MAN: Cool.

-Cool?
-Very cool!

-Really cool?
-Cool.

-Cool.
-Cool.

Disagreed over there.

Who thinks it's uncool?
Let's go and talk to this man.
Why is it uncool?

'Cause not enough cool people
could own one.

Not enough.
Only 399 were made.

-Right here.
You thought it was uncool.
-Yeah.

-Why?
-Same reason, I can't imagine
a cool guy driving it.

You can't imagine
a cool guy driving it?

Thank you. Thank you,
gentlemen, for getting
the point of the cool wall.

This is not just uncool.

-Really?
-Seriously uncool.

What? Who said "Ooh"?

Look at it this way.

You walk into the urinals,

and there's a chap
standing suspiciously
close to the porcelain.

-He's probably got one.
-What do you mean?

Why? Why would you stand...

-Ah.
-You're there now.

-Yes.
-Anyway, speaking of the Enzo.

The time is come to find out

whether the supercars
being made now
under Mr Blair,

are a match
for the supercars
that were made

when Mrs Thatcher
was running the shop.

CLARKSON: This is
a Pagani Zonda.

It's powered
by a sophisticated
7.3-litre V12 engine.

And it's built from
space age materials

that have to be made
in laboratories by
scientists in white coats.

This is a Jaguar XJ22
from 12 years ago.

It's made from stuff that was
dug out of the ground,

by men in check shirts
and hard hands.

It's sophisticated
and as advanced
as a telegraph pole.

And because its engine
is less than half the size
of the one in the Zonda,

you know which one
will win a simple
black and white drag race.

But you'd be wrong.

It's the Jag, a car conceived
in the power-crazed 80s
that's much, much faster.

Ooh, look what we have here!

It's two
ultra-modern supercars,
the Ferrari Enzo

and the Porsche Carrera GT.

Flat out,
they'll reach 210,
maybe 220 miles an hour,

where they'll be blasted
to kingdom come

by the 11-year-old McLaren F1.

This can do
241 miles an hour.

So you see my point?
In a straight line at least,

cars from the Blair era
are slower

than the cars that were
spawned during the
reign of Mrs Thatcher.

As you would expect
in these times of increased
social responsibility,

these modern supercars
are much safer for
the people inside them

and safer too,
for the people
they run over.

They're more reliable
than older ones and
kinder to the environment.

All that comes out of the
exhaust pipes on this Porsche
are baby foxes.

CLARKSON: These cars are like
one of Mr Blair's speeches,
or a pensions commercial,

which amounts
to the same thing.

They're building a better
future for our children
and a safer, cleaner tomorrow.

But that's not the point.

Supercars are supposed to
run over Arthur Scargill

and then run
over him again
for good measure.

They are designed to
melt ice caps, kill the poor,
poison the water table,

destroy the ozone layer,
decimate indigenous wildlife,
recapture the Falkland Islands

and turn the entire
third world into a huge,
uninhabitable desert.

But only after they've
nicked all the oil.

This doesn't feel
like it would do any of that.

I have a horrible
feeling that if this could
read a newspaper,

it would be the Guardian.

It feels like
the Porsche Rusbridger.

And as I sit here,
I can't help thinking

that it could, and should,
be even faster.

I mean, McLaren
proved 15 years ago

that man had the
ability and the technology

to make a road car
go 230 or 240 miles an hour.

Now Porsche
have that technology,
they have that ability.

And yet, with this,
for whatever reason,
they held back.

CLARKSON: This then
ticks all the health
and safety boxes.

It's like an airbus,
very safe and very civilized,

whereas the old McLaren...

That's like Concorde.

Unfortunately,
like Concorde, it was flawed.

Even its biggest fans,
and I'm not one of them,
admits the gearbox is clunky,

the steering is too heavy,
the front's too vague
and the back end is skittish.

Couple all that to this
spectacular power

and you end up with
something truly terrifying!

You know that bit
in Dr Strangelove

where Peter Sellers
is astride the
nuclear missile?

That's what it's like!

You don't know
where you're going.
You've no real control.

You just know your journey
will end very soon
and very badly!

CLARKSON: Despite this,
there those who say that

this was the greatest
supercar ever made.

But, and this is
a personal thing,
I've always preferred... This.

The Ferrari F40
had no door handles,
no radio and no carpets.

The interior was held together
with what looked like
green bathroom sealant.

And the paint was so thin,

you could see
the weave of the
carbon fibre through it.

All of this made it light.
Really light.

It's only a passenger away
from a Lotus Elise.

The result
is nought to 60
in 3.2 seconds.

And nothing
you've seen here tonight
can match that.

The power comes
from a twin turbo V8.

It's only a three-litre,
but my God, it goes!

But what I love is that
when you're on the overrun,

just take your foot
off the throttle.

Listen, there's
these huge bangs

as it just dumps
great wads of un-burnt fuel
into the exhaust for fun!

Good bang!

And because there was
hardly any weight

it just devours the corners,

always hitting the apex.

But when you feel
the back end start to go,

you can always catch it,
'cause this lady
is not for turning!

Sure, it didn't have
the amazing power or
sophistication of the McLaren,

but the F40 feels
lighter and more agile.

It feels like
a wasp buzzing
round a rhinoceros.

In fact I think it's not only
better than the McLaren,

I think it's better than
any of its modern rivals.

Now at this point
you probably think
I've gone completely mad.

You're almost certainly
wondering how an 18-year-old
car with see-through paint,

no carpets,
and a top speed of only 201

could possibly be better
than these two.

Well, let me explain.

You see, in a modern supercar
every decision you make

has to go through a kind of
electronic committee.

You put your foot down
and the onboard computer says,

"Oh, no, hang on a minute.
You've got 16 degrees of
steering lock on there

"and too much throttle.
We're gonna have to get
Kofi Annan over.

"Maybe bring Bono in on it.

"See if we can work through
some kind of compromise."

Drives you nuts!

CLARKSON: In this, there is
no electronic overlord.

It doesn't even
have power steering
or traction control.

I've got Francis Pym
on the brakes.

I've got John Nott
on the steering.

I've got Keith Joseph
on the gearbox.

Just a bunch of yes-men
who do exactly what
I tell them to do,

when I tell them to do it.

Of course,
a modern supercar has

ceramic brakes
and sticky, fat tyres.

So you can
brake later for corners

and then go
through them more quickly.

Round a track,
a modern supercar
would be faster than this.

But this is
so much more fun.

Because it's just road,
seat, arse.

The end.

You're not seriously
going to tell me that

that F40 is a better car
than this F60.

Well, it's better-looking.
Are we all agreed on that?

The F40 is
a better-looking car
than the F60.

I agree with you.
But a better car?

No, look.
The F60 is astonishing.

But there are too many
computers in it.

I know what you mean,
but there are...

I mean, computers
do have their uses.
You pointed a few out.

Fuel economy, environment,
all the rest of it.

They do have their uses,
but which would
you rather do?

Would you rather play
football on a PlayStation

or get out there
and play it for real?

-On a PlayStation.

Right, that's a bad example.
I'd rather do that as well.

Okay, let me
put it this way.

Whenever you
go karting, okay...
You're indoor karting.

Have you ever been
in the kart and thought,

"I wish this thing
had traction control."

You never do,
and that's what this is.

It's a go-kart
with a twin turbo
V8 engine at the back.

And the best thing
about it is

is that it gives
other motorists,
at the traffic lights, hope.

'Cause it's got turbo lag.

As you pull away,
you can keep up with it.

And you can turn
to your wife and say,

"We're keeping up
with that Ferrari."

And she'll look up and go,
"What Ferrari, dear?"

"No, no.
There was one now."

As it's just gone.

No, it's a fabulous,
wonderful, joyous
experience to drive...

To drive one of those.

I think it's the best
supercar ever made.

But let's be honest,
this one will be faster.

-Round the track.
-Yeah.

Not just faster
than the F40.

I have a suspicion
it'll be faster, too,

than the Porsche Carrera GT
which did 1:19.8.

So to find out
let's hand it over

to the dark side
of the Stig.

And away he goes.

Right, now this is
the big one for the Stig.

Can he set
the fastest time ever
round our track with it?

Look how flat it is
through that corner!

It's not rolling at all.
That's unbelievable.

He's having to
fight it a bit.

Pink Floyd of course.

Kind of had to be, really.

And round Chicago.

Listen to that sound.

Right, breaking down
into the hammerhead.

Twitching there,
under-braking.

Keeping it tight,
trying to correct
the understeer

with a lot of power.

And still no roll!

Right, here we go.
He's gonna have to lift
for the follow-through.

There's no way
he's gonna go
flat-out through there.

Not in that,
not in a million years.

Boy, I see him moving
the tyres with the air

that thing's displacing!

Right, fastest part
of the track.

Probably up to
about 140, 150

as he goes into the
second to last corner.

Very nice and tidy
through there.

And across the line!

Well?

Go on.

He's got 1:19.8 to beat.

That's what the
Carrera GT did.

He did it in 1...

Well, yeah.
It would.

Nineteen...

-Dead.
-Whoa! That's it!

That is the new
fastest ever lap.

That could be
there for a while.

We don't know
of another car
in the pipeline,

with the exception
of the Bugatti Veyron,
which may never happen,

which is ever gonna
be able to beat that.

We just can't think
of a thing that's coming

that could get
close to that time.

That's unbelievable.

-So then, Mr F40 fan.
-Mmm-hmm.

Going home tonight,
you could take your car.

But if you could
take either one

would it still
be the F40?

Oh, no question.
I'd get home quicker
in the F60. No question.

But I would
take the F40.

-You like it that much?
-I really do.

I just think that
the cars made when
Mrs Thatcher was around,

they were more fun.

They just were.
And the roads
were quieter.

And there were
no speed cameras.

It's just a shame
she's gone mad, really.

Anyway, that's it.
Thank you very much
for watching, and goodnight!