Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Beach Battle - Jaguar vs. Chrysler vs. Vauxhall - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON: Tonight,
just the thing for an
already confused world.

Another Porsche 911.

And we get sand in the trunks
of three muscle cars.

We're back!

-Yes!

Thank you. Thank you.

Now...

Now, quieten down,

because what we've
got in store, we think,

is the brightest and noisiest
series of Top Gear ever.

In fact, we've prepared
a little taster to show you



what you can expect
over the next nine weeks.

What I'm gonna try and do
is get this car
from this beach

to the very top
of that mountain.

We are in the Screaming Woods.

The Nurburgring has
147 corners.

Right, right, right! No, no!

CLARKSON: No?

Like a ruddy great...
And the... Ooh!

Hard to know, really,
where to start with that lot,

so we've decided to kick off
with the Porsche 911.

You see,
when it was launched, what,
4,000-5,000 years ago?

It was very fast
and very dangerous.

But then over the years,
they made it softer,
more civilised and safer,

until they ended up
with this one.



Now, this wasn't
so much a car,

more a place where
a fat, balding,
middle-aged man

could go off and
have his midlife crisis.

-I liked it a lot.

CLARKSON: This, though,
is the all-new model,

designed to take the 911
back to its raw, basic,
white-knuckle roots.

They say everything
has been sharpened up,
hunkered down, tightened.

They say it's gone back
to being a car for Silverstone

rather than Silvertown Way,

that it's more Brands Hatch
than brand marketing.

To be honest, though,
it's hard to see
what they're on about,

because it feels to me
exactly the...

Hang on a minute.

I think I've made
a dreadful mistake here.

I think this is the new one.

It is, look, 54...
It's the new...

And that's the old one.

See, I just came here
this morning,
and I got in the wrong one.

I am so sorry.

In my defence,
you have to admit

the two cars do look
remarkably similar.

Porsche say that
apart from the roof,

every panel
on the new car is new.

But surely, if you're gonna
make new panels,

why not make them
look different?

This has to be
the laziest makeover ever!

It's like
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen

looking at a completely
white wall and saying,

"Yeah, I think
I'm gonna paint that white."

And the front of the designer,

he must have walked into
the Porsche boardroom
and said,

"Yeah, that new 911, lads.
Done it!
I'm off down the pub."

Oh, my God!

They haven't bothered
in here either.

I mean,
apart from all this stuff,

the satellite navigation,
and the heater, and so on,

which I think they've lifted
from the Cayenne,

the four-wheel drive Porsche,
and that stopwatch,

it really is a question of
interior styling by deja vu.

There's more evidence, too,
that Porsche

weren't really concentrating
when they designed this car.

I mean, change into third

and the gear lever comes off.

That's not very Porsche-ish.

And neither is
the positioning of these
electric seat memory buttons.

You see, every time
I go around a corner,
my knee bashes into them

and I slide gracefully into
my wife's driving position.

It's, um, it's quite hard
to drive like this,
to be honest.

See what I mean?

Plenty of mistakes, then.
But you're probably thinking,

"Who cares?
Just so long as it's better
to drive and faster."

Well, the new Carrera
with its new 3.6 litre engine
and new gearbox

will do 0-60 in five seconds
and reach 177.

And guess what?

Those are exactly
the same performance figures
that you got

from the old
3.6 litre Carrera.

Mind you,
this does cost £58,000.

Hmm, no,
that's the same as well.

So, to sum up,

the new Carrera is pretty much
the same as the old one,

except the gear lever
comes off.

This, however,
is not a standard Carrera.
This is a Carrera S.

And the S stands for,
"So, fat, balding,
middle-aged man,

"go and have your midlife
crisis somewhere else."

The S rides low on
fat, noisy tyres.

It has a harsh,
bone-breaking ride

that jiggles your jowls,
and rattles the trim.

It is as uncomfortable
and as loud as Rod Stewart's
leopard skin disco trousers.

So, if you just want something
to pose around
the Harbour Bar,

you'll pretty much hate it.

But if you want to drive,
it is spectacularly good.

Thanks to a bigger engine,
3.8 litres,

the S can get from
0-60 in 4.5 seconds.

Keep your foot hard down

and you'll ride a wave
of that familiar Porsche howl

all the way
to a top speed of 182.

Then there's
this little button here
with "Sport" written on it.

Push it
and everything changes.

The throttle response
is sharpened up,

the suspension is stiffened,

the anti-lock braking system
is watered down,

and so is
the traction control.

You push that,
you turn your 911
into an absolute animal.

In sport mode, it'll go round
the Nurburgring in Germany

20 seconds a lap faster
than the old model.

The cornering speeds
that this car can achieve
are just astonishing.

I mean,

I can't remember
going round there
faster than that.

That's 85 miles an hour
round the Hammerhead.

The wrong way
round the Hammerhead.

It's so fast
and so well-planted,

they're not even
gonna bother

making a four-wheel drive
version like they used to.

It just wouldn't be necessary.

It is pure Porsche-ography.

And look at this.
This is something

I've never seen before
on a road car.

You can program
the onboard computer

with the length of the lap
that you're about to do,

and then it stores your times

and you can show them
to your friends later.

Of course, they won't be
your friends any more,
but what a thing!

What a gadget!
What a tool...you'll look.

This, then, is a car
for properly keen drivers

who won't care
about the wonky gear lever

or the lazy styling
or the bone-breaking ride.

This, then, is a 911
of the old school.

So, hang on.
Let's just straighten this out
for me, please.

-The new 911 range, is it?
-Yeah.

-You've got the 3.6...
-Yes.

...which looks like
the old 3.6,

costs the same
and goes the same,
and that's for fat people.

-Right.
-Then you've got the 3.8 S,

which is for slightly less
fat people.

-Right.
-And then the 3.8 S
with the Chrono Sport Pack

for thin, chisel-jawed people
who have no friends.

Like The Stig, for instance.

And away he goes!

It is incredibly
wet out there today.

Now, Stig's already
got the rear spoiler up
giving extra down force,

which I think
he's probably going to need as
he comes to the first corner.

He's got oversteer going in.

Oh, yeah, I should explain.
Stig's developed a
penchant for one-hit wonders.

That was Ace there.

And how long will he take
to get round here?
Oh, crikey, Moses!

That was a bit tricky
coming out of Chicago,
going into Hammerhead now.

He's really having to tiptoe
that thing round there.

Bit of understeer,
which he cures
with a lot of oversteer.

Very well done, Stig!
We're impressed.

Look at those rooster tails
coming off it.

That's the fastest corner.
He's certainly not flat
through there today.

And the great thing
about this 911 is

it's raw and animalistic
like the old one,

but it's also as easy to drive
as a Ford Focus.

So it really is
the perfect blend.

Keeping it neat and tidy into
the second-to-last corner.

Sliding it through Gambon,
and there we are!

Now, he did it in 1.28.9.

Slide it in there.

Now, of course,
it was very, very wet, okay?

In fact, so wet,
The Stig had a bit of an off.

-Who'd like to see that?

-ALL: Yes!
-Yes? Play the tape!

Here he comes.
Ooh, he's already in trouble!

-Whoa, Stiggy!

That's Stig.

That is a rare thing.

-You don't see that often.
-You don't see that often,

but that gives you an idea of
just how wet it is.

Apparently, he says that if
it'd been just normally wet,

he would have got very close
to the 911 GT3's time
of 1.27.2.

So, hang on.
How much is this one now?

The new S with
the Sport Chrono Pack?

£65,500.

And the old GT3 was £72,000.

So, that's £8,000 less...

Well, it's not old.
You can still buy it.

So they're doing
a new GT3 911?

No, no, no, no.
They're doing
the old one still.

See, the old...
If you want a 911 but you want
a GT3 or a GT2

or a Turbo or a Targa,
buy the old one.

That's not really
old at all, then?

No, that... It's not.
They still make it.

So, you see,

so, there's a new one
that looks just like
the old one.

-But you can still
get that one new?
-Yeah.

-But it's old.
-Yeah.

And you see
it was difficult enough
when there was only one 911.

-I know.
-Now there's, like, two.

The chances now
of being able to go
into a Porsche dealership

and coming out
with the car you want...

Infinit... It's like, you know
when you go and buy
a cup of coffee now,

and one of those...
"Can I have
a cup of coffee, please?"

"What? Do you want
a skinny latte, or milky,
or with a shot?"

"I don't know.
I just want a cup of coffee."

Stop asking questions.

I just want a car
with its engine at the back!

-And that's it!

Let's do the news, shall we?

And we have got some very
big news for you to kick off.

-We're up for an award.
-Oh, yes, we are. We are.

-Top Gear's up for an award.

We were up for the BAFTAs.

-Yeah, we lost that.
We lost that.
-Lost. Yeah.

We just...
They only invited us
to watch us lose.

-Yes.

Anyway, this time
we're up for a
National Television Award

and the great thing is,
okay, is that you
can all vote.

-For us?
-For us.

But the thing is, I've got
the categories here, and...

...I'd vote for Wife Swap.

-That is good.
-Oh, yeah.

It is good.
I mean it's better than us.

-CLARKSON: It is.
-I watch that.

And then there's
Gordon Ramsay's
Kitchen Nightmares.

-That's much better.
-Oh, yeah. I'd watch that.

Is that the one with
all the swearing in it?

No, that was the one with
the kitchen full of people
you've never heard of.

-That's the one.
-It was the one... No, no,

it's the one where he goes
round the country,
teaching people

in the provinces
how to cook potatoes.
That one.

-Brilliant.
-That's much better.

That's the one I'd vote for.

-So what,
is there anything else?
-Crimewatch.

-We're better than that.
-Oh, well, no.

-So, we're third.

That's just full of people
running into phone boxes,
panting.

"I've seen a poacher."

Nobody on Crimewatch
has got a mobile phone.

Have you noticed that?

-Nobody ever
rings from a mobile.

So, anyway, I think
we're likely to be
the third best

factual entertainment
programme on television.

Yeah, think about that.

Uh, right. Car news.

We've seen the new
Porsche 911 tonight.

There's also
a new Porsche Boxster.

-Who'd like to see that?
-ALL: Yes.

-Ooh. Yes, please.
-Here's a picture.

HAMMOND: Yes, you see.
That's the old... No.

Is this the same designer?

-Same laziest designer
in the world.

HAMMOND: He's just had a year
in the garden, hasn't he?

Yes. Unbelievable!
They say every panel
on it is new.

It's unbelievable.

Hey, I've got
an interesting statistic.

You know the Maybach?

The great big
Mercedes thing,
Mercedes Maybach.

-Uh, what is it? £292,000?
There it is.
-It's there.

Do you know how much
that depreciates by

over the first three years
of its life?

No. Quite a lot, I'd think.
But...

-Guess?
-No idea.

£1,200 a week.

-Ouch! A week?

The great thing is that's
before you've paid
the chauffeur,

before you put your petrol in.

You wake up in the morning.

"I've lost 1,200 quid."

-"What shall I do next?"

"I'll lose another £1,200
by this time tomorrow."

I think there's a
solution to this, though.

Buy the new
Rolls-Royce Phantom,

'cause that only loses
1,100 quid a week.

-That's much more like it.
-That's a bargain. Yeah.

The Highways Agency, okay.

It has this kind of
guideline to those people who
have advertising hoardings,

not to put them near roads
that've got a speed limit
more than 60 mph.

I don't know
if you've noticed,

I've been driving
around this summer,
all over Britain,

by motorways,
farmers are putting lorries

in their fields and then
selling the side of them

-to, like, local companies.
-Yeah.

Here's a tip. If you are
one of these local companies,
keep it brief.

Because I saw one
the other day that said,
"Want a used Jag?

"or call Debbie
on 0-1-2-9-5..."

-I'm going 70 mph!

-Whoa! I never saw it.
-Yeah.

What was that all about?

They really are farmers,
not copywriters, aren't they?
That's the problem.

Yeah, it wants to be, sort of,
"Used Jags? Next left."

No, that's too many words.
Keep it tight.

Okay. "Jags? Left."

-No, no.

I was in that Porsche and...
Whoo!

No, "Jag" is too long. J...

Whoa, I want one of those.

The worst one, though,
the worst one I've seen.

I dunno if anybody ever uses
the M40 like he and I do
to get to work.

Okay, someone has written
on a big long wall,
as you're coming into London,

"Why do you do this
every day?"

-It's so depressing.

- I know!
-"Why do I do this?"
Have you seen it?

Yeah, I've seen it.
And there is another one
on a bridge,

which you look up
and it just says,

"Lemmings." Oh, oh, no!

-It's a Monday.
Leave me alone.
-No.

That's horrible.

What it should say,
though, really, for honest,
it should say something like,

"Why do you do this every day?
Why don't you
come out with me,

"and drink meths
and paint on a wall

"with spray cans?"

They can't be that smug,
really. You're right.
That's true.

In case he's on the bridge,
I'm actually gonna paint
the top of my car.

It's gonna say something like,

"Get a job. Buy a car."

Reverse graffiti.

-I like that.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

-Can I talk about a car?
-Yeah.

Right. New Ferrari.

Very exciting. It is this.

Now, it's kind of a new...

CLARKSON: It's the
same designer as the Porsche!

It's a...
Well, it is a new one.

It's the new 360,
if you like that.

The 360 is so called
because it had
a 3.6 litre engine.

This is called the 430.
That's a clue.

It's a 4.3 litre engine.

117,500 quid that'll cost you.

0-60 in about 3.9 seconds.

Just magnificent.

-200 mph as well.
-Yeah, just under.

Fantastic. But, you know,
I'm bored with Ferrari.

How can you be
bored with that?

I'm bored, 'cause we've got
a few coming up
in the series, actually,

and everyone I've got into,
they're brilliant.
They're absolutely brilliant,

but they've become
like Pete Sampras.

You know, when he was...
You just think, when he used
to walk onto the court,

there was that sense of,
"I don't care if you're
playing Myra Hindley.

"I want you to lose."

I think they might be getting
a bit tawdry, as well,

-to be honest.
-HAMMOND: How do you mean?

Well, I went
to the Ferrari factory
last week. Lovely.

But I think I saw,
in the shop,

Ferrari aftershave.

Oh, no!

The worst one I've seen
recently is, you know,
Hummers, right?

Humvees. You can buy
Hummer aftershave. He's not...

It comes in a jerry can
of repressed homosexuality.

-It's called "I Am Not Gay."

Whoa! Yummy!

-My big car.
-I'm going quarrying, me.

Now. Now, first of all,

British Grand Prix was off,
then it was on again,

-then we heard
that it might be off again.
-Yes.

The problem, I think,
is where it is.

Silverstone.

'Cause you know
when they do the
Grand Prix programme,

it always starts with, like,

"Here we are in Australia."

And there's a girl with
a bikini on a beach,

and men doing that,
and all sunny,
and then they go to Japan,

and there's like young kids,
with all...
Bright lights.

And then Silverstone,
and there's just the yokel
with one tooth.

And then
there's that road sign
they always show,

"Silverstone.
Please drive carefully
through our village."

Not a hint of irony there.

And that's the problem.

But they are talking
about doing it in London,
aren't they?

It'll never happen. It won't.

Because if you think
how to make a track,
they go,

"Oh, yeah, we could go along
Hyde Park.

"We could go down
around Haymarket."

Who's gonna move
the kerb stones?

And the Belisha beacons,
and the traffic lights?

And how long in advance?

They could never do it.
It's much easier, I think,

to move London to Silverstone.

And then it would be great,
'cause you could
start off with like,

bear skin hats,
and Beefeaters,
and the Eye,

and Terence Conran.
It'd be fantastic.

You don't watch Grand Prix
racing, do you?

No.

Is anybody else with me?

I just can't be
bothered with it.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

So, you know, it's...

I can't be bothered with it.

But instead of going,
"Ooh. Well, that's that,"

I want to do
something about it.

I've got it.
I've solved it.
In my head, just now.

-Oh, good.
-We'll have it here.

Well, that's what
I was saying.

We'll have the Grand Prix
on our track, outside here.

50p entry.

-We haven't got...

We haven't got
very many good facilities,

I admit. There's only one bog.

We've got a fridge,

if the drivers and teams
want to bring
their own milk and stuff,

-they could
put it in the fridge.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

There's a pub
they could all stay at nearby.

That's it. Solved.
Bernie, ring us up,
hold it here.

Top Gear test track.

-Bring it here.
-And that...

That is the first
news bulletin, actually,
to be held on the BBC

for at least two years
where we've had no mention
of an election in a country

where we don't live.

-Which is quite something.

You're probably right.

-Um, and that's the end
of the news.
-HAMMOND: Ah!

Actually, no, it's not quite
the end of the news because...

Now, in the last series
of Top Gear

you might remember
we showed you this picture.

It's a Vauxhall concept car.

Now, Vauxhall said that the
new ordinary three-door Astra

that they were
gonna be building was
gonna look exactly like that.

He said if it did,
he would eat his own hair,

-okay?

Well, the good news is that
we can settle this
once and for all today,

because we have one of those
ordinary three-door Astras

in the studio today
under here.

So, let me explain,
if this looks like that,

then Clarkson is gonna be
ingesting his own barlet.

Yes, yes, yes. Get on with it.

Oh, I'm getting on
with it, mate.
Don't you worry.

Are we ready? Here we go.
Your opinion please,
ladies and gentleman.

Does that look like that?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-Come on. Come on.

HAMMOND: Yes, it does.
CLARKSON: Looks a bit like it.

No, it looks exactly like it.

See what I meant to say was,
I'd eat a hare.

A jugged hare in a casserole.

Irrelevant, no, because what
you actually said was
you'd eat your hair,

which is exactly
what you're gonna do.

So, you might notice over
here, the hairdressing seat.
Please take a seat.

James bought this in
the last series, remember?

I never thought it would
come in so handy, so quickly.

Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?
And this is Michelle,
over here.

Michelle, if you'd like
to come forward.

Michelle is going
to do the hair cutting.

-Mmm-hmm.
-And obviously,
we're gonna need

somebody to actually
prepare the hair.

And, uh, well,
let's see, um...

Ah, well, who could be better?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Antony Worrall Thompson.

It's nice to see you.

Um...

So, what, uh... What sort of
a dish have you got in mind?

Well, I thought a new model
of omelette would
be quite good.

-An omelette?
-An, uh, hair omelette.

-An omelette?
-An omelette, yeah.

I could probably
have rustled up
an omelette meself.

But this is a
sophisticated omelette
with hair.

Right.

-Okay. Well, we've got
a place for you to do that.
-Okay.

And we'll get back to that
later in the show.

Um, for now, though,
we have some alarming news
from the colonies.

You see, we exported a bunch
of convicts to Australia

and the God Squad to America.

And here we are,
200 years down the line,

and they've got it
into their heads
that they can make cars.

Plainly, James and I
had to go and
sample their efforts.

MAY: This rather
handsome-looking brute

is the Vauxhall Monaro VXR.

But don't be fooled.
It's actually a Holden,
which makes it Australian.

That means it's big.

It's got two big doors,
four big seats and a big boot.

And even the gearbox
feels like it came off some

really big piece of
earth-moving equipment.

Happily the engine is big,
too. Very big.

It's the same 5.7 litre V8
that you get
in a Chevrolet Corvette.

It develops
a big 382 horsepower,
all of which comes at you

in big lazy yawns.

For example, here I am
doing 60 mph
in top gear and the engine

is turning over at 1500 rpm.

1500. It's idling.

You fat Aussie slacker!

It corners, too. And that's
odd, because it's not what
you'd call sophisticated.

Some modern European cars
have up to

11 programmable gearbox
settings for the driver
to choose from.

But this has a gear stick
and a clutch.

However, the good thing about
all this barn door
simpleton engineering

is that it keeps
the price down.

Even though this is
a head-turning V8 coupe

with a top speed of
170 mph,

it only costs £35,000.

Way, way less
than its European rivals.

Put simply, it's impossible
to go faster for less.

The great thing is,
you get loads of equipment.

Now, the interior quality
is not brilliant.

To be honest, it's rubbish.
But it's all here.

There's climate control,
there's cruise control,
electric seats and...

There's a really interesting
traction control system
with two settings.

There's on.

And there's off.

So, that's what
Australia has sent us.

A big friendly ocker
from the outback.

America's contribution,
on the other hand,

has something of the night
about it.

It's the Chrysler 300C,
and it appears to have been
styled by Al Capone.

It's the sort of thing
The Sopranos would use
as a company car.

It just exudes menace.

So, is it a gun platform
for drive-by shootings,
or is it a real car?

Well, they've used an
old Mercedes E-Class
as a base,

and then added
the enormous body,

which is longer than
a Range Rover,

and wider than
a Toyota Land Cruiser.

Because it's so big,
the interior is almost a joke.

Even I feel lost
and small in here,

and the back, that's big
enough for six bodyguards.

At least.

To move this vast bulk,

it has a 5.7 litre V8,

the same size as the engine
in the Monaro.

But whereas the Aussie version
is rough and harsh,
this is smooth and silky.

And really rather clever.

You see, if you're
just pottering about town,
collecting protection money

from people who own
billiard halls, say,

then it just runs
on four cylinders.

Then if the police come up
behind you,
put your foot down,

all eight fire up
and you're off.

The advantage is
good fuel economy
when you're not in a hurry

and tyre-shredding power
when you are.

It's actually a Hemi,
so when all eight cylinders
are working,

you get 340 brake horsepower.

Not as much as the Monaro,

but it's enough to get you
from 0-60 in 6.5 seconds.

And then on,
to a top speed of 155.

That's impressive stuff,

but not as impressive
as the price.

You see, if you were to buy

a similarly sized,
similarly fast
Mercedes or BMW,

it would cost around £65,000.

But this, when it comes
to Britain next year
with right-hand drive,

won't even cost half that.

Yup, Chrysler are saying
that this incredible car
will cost just £29,000.

That is amazing value.

There's nothing
for that kind of money

that offers this much space
and this much luxury.

And there's certainly nothing
that's this imposing.

The electric seats
are particularly amusing

'cause you can ride along
like this, low down,
so you can't be shot,

or you can lift them up
to such an extent

that even a microbe
like Hammond can lord it
over other motorists.

"Look at me!
Look how impressive I am!"

On first impressions, then,
these extremely well priced
rear-drive V8 muscle cars

look pretty formidable.

So, if the British
are going to repel
this colonial invasion

we're going to need something
pretty special.

All right, boys!

HAMMOND: This is Britain's
answer to the invasion
of the colonials.

It's a Jaguar S-Type R
and, yes, it's 4.2 litre V8

may seem small
compared to the monsters
in the opposition,

but it packs more punch.

400 brake horsepower,
to be precise.

Not even the ocker Vauxhall
can match that.

But with the Jag,
it's not just the grunt,
it's the delivery.

Power is available constantly.

It's balanced and poised.

This is a quality product.
It's beautifully put together.

Suddenly, the other two
look rather like
flat-pack wardrobes

next to this craftsman-built
sideboard.

Which is a good job,

because at 50 grand
this is by far the most
expensive of the trio.

Welcome then to Muscle Beach,
our version of Venice Beach
in Los Angeles, only, um...

-No. Anyway...

We must now decide
which one of these
steroid specials is best.

It's, uh, it's worth
staying up for that.

So, if you're eight
and your parents are saying
you've got to go to bed now,

tell them you've got my
permission to stay up. Okay?

Right, we're gonna
move on now, and
meet our guest this evening.

Er, he is a big star
on Buzzcocks.

He's a regular panellist
on QI.

He used to be a communist
and a punk.

He is now Bill Bailey!

Hello! How are you?

Hello.

Have a seat.

So who ate your hair?

Er...
Well, no, it was
an accident with a lathe.

-Now, you're from
the West Country, of course.
-Oh, yes.

So is everyone down there,
you know, a druid?

Uh, yeah.

Not everyone.
No, I mean it's...
Yeah, it's compulsory, druid.

-You do druid exams
at school, yeah.

Uh, but, yeah, there is
quite a lot of that still,
that community down there.

There's a sort of little bit
of a ley line type, you know,

sort of New Age traveller,
crusty, kind of
way station of Bath, really.

It is very much like that.

Is that why they're always...
'Cause a lot of angry yobs,
you know, one-eyed people

-that hang around provincial
town centres at night.

Is that why they crash?

I mean, my memories
of driving around...

Of driving around country
lanes at sort of high speed,
and the blokes with Capris,

you know, souped-up Capris,
standing around
just looking at cars, going,

"That's brilliant, innit?
That's great, that, innit?
Brilliant."

And that will be a...
That would be
a Saturday night,

just looking at a car,
'cause that's great, innit?

"What are we gonna do now?
Let's go up
the service station."

And we would go
to the service station,

'cause that was all there
was to do in the West Country,
really, of an evening.

And what did you do
in the service station?

You go to the service...
You drive,

like to the service station,
and then you get out,

and then you play
a driving game
in the service station.

-And that's... Of course!

Was it the service stations
where you got the IOU thing?

Oh, yeah. I ran out of petrol.
I was running out of petrol,
and I went

to the petrol station,
and, um, I filled up the tank

and realised I had no money
at all, I had no wallet,
cards, or anything.

And so, what they
say to you, is they say,
"Well, look, um...

"Okay.
You can have the petrol.
You can drive away,

"but you have to write like
an affidavit, saying,
'I promise to pay

"'within 24 hours.'
And then you can leave
with the petrol."

So I said, "All right.
So that's all right.

"I'll just sign this thing
promising to pay,
and then I can leave?"

And he said,
"Yeah, that's fine."

So, I said, "Well, can I
have a Twix as well, then?"

And then I said,
"And actually, while I'm here,
a bit of barbecue charcoal,

-"and a bit of furniture."

-Great.
-Load up the car.
It's a brilliant idea.

-Now, car history.
-Yeah.

Um, obviously 2CV.

Yes, I'm afraid to say.
I had a 2CV.
That was my first car. Um...

Was that in the Workers
Revolutionary Party time?

That's right, yeah.

Yes, it was a lovely thing.
It was a Dolly.

It was a red and white 2CV.

-I remember the Dolly well.
-Do you remember?

They had striped roofs
and there were bright colours.

-Brilliant. Of course, yeah.
-Would be red, of course.
Yeah.

Obviously. Looked like
a pace car at a donkey derby.

And, uh, it had
a brilliant feature in it.

The windows were split
on hinged,

you know, so you could
sort of flick them up
like that.

And of course, driving
around the West Country
late at night,

you do attract the attention
of the local plod quite a lot,

just by being up late,
you know?

"Bit late to be driving
around, sir. Where's
the donkeys?" And, uh...

And more than once
a copper would lean down
to the car,

and I would open them
and crack him under the chin.

Did anyone in the
Workers Revolutionary Party
at the time realise

just what a planet-killing
thing the 2CV was?

No. No, see that was
the thing. I suppose at
the time you kind of think,

"Oh, this is great,
it's fantastic.

"It runs just purely
on the tears of squirrels."

-You know...

"It doesn't run on petrol
at all.

"It's fantastic,
it's fashioned out of bark."
It's amazing.

You could open it
with anything as well.

You could open it with
a key and then I realised you
could open it with a spoon.

Or, like a really...
Like two beer mats, you know.

I remember once
breaking into it, one time.
I'd had a couple of drinks

and I thought,
"I'd better not drive home."

So, I thought, okay,
I knew how to break in.
It was really easy.

So I just broke in,
fell asleep, and I thought,

"Wait a minute!"
This is like 1981. I thought,
"I don't have a child.

"Why is there a child's seat
in the back?"

-Oh, .

Oh, that would have
been a good one,
but then, of course,

-property is theft.
-Of course it is.

-So you're perfectly entitled
to sleep in somebody else's...
-Of course. Yes.

You're a big fan of hire cars
too, aren't you?

Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, nothing handles
like a hire car, does it?

-You're absolutely right.

But have you ever crashed one?

Um, I've... Well, no, I've
totally wrecked them by...

I took one,
I hired one in Australia.
I hired this Suzuki Vitara.

And he said,

"You're not taking it
into the outback, are you?"

Which is exactly
what I was doing, and I went,
"Oh, no, no."

"I'm just gonna
drive around the hotel
a couple of times."

And the thing was,
I don't know if you've
driven in Australia,

but the unmetalled roads,
the outback roads,

they're just dirt roads, and
there's this sort of really
fine dust called bull dust,

and it just gets into
every crevice of the car.

And I really, I know
I thought, "I'll probably
lose me deposit,"

when I could see

that behind the plastic
of the speedo,
just filling up with dust.

But then it is one of the
50 things you've got to do
before you die.

-Crash a hire car.
-Crash a hire car.
Of course it is. Yeah.

Um, that is essential.
You know,
or take it to Glastonbury.

But don't you now
have a Volvo XC90?

I do, yes. Yeah.

-Fine taste, if I may say.
-Thank you very much.

You could have taken that
to Glastonbury, though.

-No, no. That's just... No.
-No. No.

-Normally you...
-No, actually,
what am I saying?

Take it off-road,
what are you talking about?

Yeah, take a Volvo as well.

Volvo to Glastonbury?

Actually, no, a Volvo
in Glastonbury now
is about right.

It is about right.
It has changed a little bit
now. It's not quite so...

It's a little bit
corporate now. There's a
million pound security fence

around Glastonbury now
to stop people.

Of course,
it won't stop hippies.

They'll crawl
through fire to get to
a face-painting tent.

-"I want to be a panther."

CLARKSON: Oh, it's marvellous.

Of course, you're appearing
in your one-man show
at the moment,

-Part Troll.
-Part Troll.
Yes, starts, uh...

-The Apollo?
-The Apollo Theatre,
Shaftesbury Avenue.

That's enough, that's enough
of a plug.

Because, of course,
you're here.

More importantly, you're here
to do your lap and be our Star
in the Reasonably Priced Car.

Who here would like to see
Bill attempting to do
the Liana?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Okay, let's have a look
at some practice then, here.
-Okay.

It was fantastic fun, this.

CLARKSON: Where are we?
BILL: Look at this!

CLARKSON: Oh, yes.
That's the hardest corner.
Ooh!

You're brave.
You kept your foot in it.

BAILEY: I nearly flipped it
there. I nearly flipped it.

-So that was pretty good.
Was that frightening?
-It was, actually.

When I went out with Stig...
Well, going out with Stig
is quite scary anyway.

He looks a bit like
an Imperial Stormtrooper.

So, and also the fact that

when you're driving
straight at a corner,
and you think,

"No, we really ought
to brake now. No, we really
ought to have braked by now.

"By now we should have braked
way back there."

And, so, it was...
But you know, once I got
into it, it was... I was back,

and I was 17 again.

So, would we like
to see Bill's completed lap?

-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Play the tape.

CLARKSON: Oh! Look at that.
That's a determined look.

-A very determined look.
-Very determined.

Oh! Here we go!

CLARKSON: That's
a very hard corner, that.

BILL: That is very...
You know,
I spun off there once.

This is a hire car, isn't it?

CLARKSON: Oh, this is...
This is neat.

-CLARKSON: That's very...
-Nice and tidy.

Nice and tidy, yeah.

You... No, you're right.
Even though
you say so yourself.

And through
the Hammerhead again.

BAILEY: Look at this.
Watch the line.
Look at that!

-CLARKSON: I am impressed.
-It's like delivering pizzas.

CLARKSON: Were you flat
through there? Or did you
have a bit of a...

-BAILEY: Full on. No.
-Foot flat through that,
even in the wet?

-Foot to the metal.
-Even In the wet?

Yeah, even in the wet.

CLARKSON: This is
the tricky one that catches
everyone out.

But you're through.

Look at that.
And round the last...

I think you could have
gone even faster there,
actually.

You didn't use
all the road, but...

I think we can definitely
call that a wet lap.

Yeah.

Now, what's our
fastest wet lap so far?

-Oh, well that's Sanjeev.
-Oh, yeah.

CLARKSON: He did 1.51.5.

And then really
we have to go
all the way down.

These are mildly moist,
mildly damp.

Steve Coogan really
is our fastest
properly wet lap.

-Okay.
-1.54.

See, I was pretty confident.
Um, I sort of lost it
on the first corner a bit,

but I was kind of...
On the straights
I think I was pretty good.

-Yeah, the straights aren't
very tricky, to be honest.
-Well...

That's really all I can do.

You're talking rubbish.

You were obviously very good
around the corners

'cause you did a 1.53.4
which puts you...

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bill Bailey!

CLARKSON: Brilliant.
That's fantastic!

Now,

I have here Jeremy's hair.

It's, um,
suspiciously curly in places.
But there we are.

I hope he washed it.

Oh, I'm sure at some point
he will have done.

What are you going to do
with that?

-Well, I think I'm gonna
scatter it across the top.
-All right.

I've got a whole load of
vegetables here, just to
soften the blow a bit.

-Yeah.
-I'm gonna chop some parsley,
a little bit of cheese.

I'm going to make a sort of
Jeremy-type omelette.

Earlier in the show,
we road tested the Vauxhall
Monaro, the Chrysler 300C,

and of course the
supercharged Jaguar S-type.

And we thought that
on face value,
they were all pretty good.

But obviously
we had to find a winner.

And this meant going to
our favourite beach in Wales,

and then driving up
and down it very fast.

So, here we go.

Which one will be the victor?

Will it be the big, simple
Crocodile Dundee?

Will it be the part-German,
part-American
Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Or will it be Raffles,
the gentleman thief?

The first test is
a simple drag race.

A good engine
will give it thrust.

A good chassis will keep it
straight and true on these
shifting, slippery sands.

-Foot's buried.
-Not what you'd call
a lightning start.

James is having a real mess!

Come on, Australia!

Ooh, that Jag
is seriously flying!

Oh, they are just in my dust!

I'm going to lose.

130!

That, I believe, is mine.

The British have fought them
on the beaches and won.

Now, the Vauxhall
shouldn't have lost that.

So, maybe the problem
is the mountain of torque.

Maybe when you
put your foot down,

it just digs a big hole
in the sand,

like it's trying to burrow
its way back to Australia.

To find out,
we've decided to do a simple
Top Gear torque test.

We're gonna see how big a hole
this thing actually digs
when it sets off.

-Okay, James? You ready.
-Yeah.

One, two, three, go!

It's a pretty big hole.

Okay, thanks!

-Yep.
-Five seconds.
What do you think?

That's a lot of torque.

Actually it's managed to move
a whole beach
from there onto me.

CLARKSON: Next,
it's the handling challenge

on Top Gear's
low budget circuit.

And first to go,
it's the Jaguar.

There you go.

Absolute joy.
Thank you very much.

Gentlemanly, this car,
but still potent!

CLARKSON:
A sterling effort there. And
now it's the Monaro's chance

to make up for that third
in the drag race.

Oh, yes!

Balletic, I'd say.

It works. It really does work.
It's easy.

Strangely lovable.

CLARKSON: The Monaro
did beat the Jag,

but now it's the turn
of the Chrysler.

And, oh, dear.

The Americans lecture
the world on democracy,

and then won't let me
turn the traction control off!

It's supposed to be a big,
bad, dangerous muscle car!

"But, sir,
you might hurt yourself!"

A car designed by Health
and Safety, this one.

So, that's one victory each
for the Brit and the Aussie,

and no points at all
for the American.

There's a very good reason
for that.

This car has some
serious problems.

The brakes are lousy.
There isn't enough torque.
It doesn't sound right.

The steering's
completely lacking in feel,

and then, oh, my God,

there's the ride and handling.

The suspension is so soft
that when you run over a bump,
it can't react quickly enough.

So, you get this huge jolt,

and then the whole car
starts to pitch and wallow.

And of course,
because the suspension
is so soft,

it leans over in the corners
onto its door handles.

I keep looking out there
thinking,

"Maybe it would be more
at home in the sea.
Maybe it's a boat."

It certainly handles like one.

To see what
the others thought,

we all swapped cars,
and immediately

the Jag and the Vauxhall
got the thumbs up.

Oh, yes!

Now, this feels
much more like it!

It is amazing how the British
have managed to get
400 horsepower

from this tiny little engine,

while the others
have only managed to get
330-370 from huge great lumps.

But the American was taking
yet more unfriendly fire.

Stop interfering,

you piece of cheap
electronic tat.

The thing is,
they've saved money
on materials.

Fair enough, it's cheap.

They've also saved money
on the brakes.

Not an area
where I want to save money.

It's an area
where I want to spend money.

CLARKSON: We all agreed,
the Chrysler
was a huge letdown.

But can that
stupidly low price
and those looks

make up for the
massive dynamic shortfalls?

With the tide coming in,
we went for a chat in the low
budget Top Gear Winnebago.

So, the Chrysler, then.

What do we think?

I think it looks fantastic.

CLARKSON: We've agreed
on that. It looks great.

HAMMOND: Every time
I saw it on the beach...

CLARKSON: Looks great.
And if it is £29,000,
as they say it's going to be,

that's an astonishing price.

-However...
-MAY: But it doesn't go
like it looks.

-But it's just...
-That's the thing.

Just because I look at it,
I think it's going to be
sort of whooshy and svelte.

But the engine isn't whooshy
enough low down,

and the ride's
just too knobbly
and that completely...

That's the end of it
as far as I'm concerned.

Even before you get to the
mock-Tudor steering wheel.

So we think
they were that close
to making a great car...

-How annoying is that?
-And blew it!

-Such a shame.
-It is a shame.

Which, of course, leaves us
with the other two.
The Jaguar...

HAMMOND: Which I do like.

CLARKSON: Oh, yeah.
Well, apart from its...

-That mouth thing.
-MAY: It's awful.

CLARKSON: I have found
an angle from which
that car looks good.

-Underneath?
-No, no, no, no.

Bang side on.

-Yes, if you...
-Absolutely side on,

it looks okay, but if you...

"Oh, I've ruined
the look of my car!"

It's about
the everyday experience,

and every time
you're inside that Jag,
two advantages.

One, you haven't gotta
look at the front of it,

and number two,
it does feel special.

And they really have done
the business on that.

Really, really fast car.

-However, this is all surface.
-HAMMOND: But, yeah.

I have fallen
totally in love today,
with a Vauxhall!

I got in it,
and within 300 yards,

I just thought, someone
in Australia had a picture
of me on their desk.

And they went,
"Ah,
let's build that bloke a car!

"Oh, it better be loud!"

MAY: They had a picture
of me and they said,

"It's so good, even
this bloke's gonna like it!"

When you press the throttle...
As you sort of change,
you short shift up

and you press the throttle,
you get that

deep down burble
that sort of goes up
the back of your spine.

And you sort of think, "Ooh!"

I really like
the looks of it, too.

Oh, no. I can't believe. So
I'm going to be left outvoted,
the verdict is gonna be...

The Top Gear verdict
is a remarkable one.

By a margin of two to one,

we went for this
astonishing Vauxhall.

This is just fabulous.
It really is.

Whoever would have thought
that an Australian car

with a huge American engine
could work this well?

There's a brutality to it.

And yet it responds
just to the smallest touch.

The thing is, though,
is it's comfortable,

it's spacious,
it's well priced,

and it does
what a muscle car should.

It puts a huge smile
on your face.

CLARKSON: The Vauxhall.
HAMMOND: Yes.

Do you know what it puts me
in mind of? Seriously?

Is a 1990s
Aston Martin Vantage.

There's that same sense
of kind of infinite power.

And the same sense
of hugeness.

Except for what?
If you have to pay £100,000
for a 1990s Vantage.

-That's £33,000.
It's a fabulous car.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

I mean, it won me over.
'Cause after we'd finished,
I drove it back.

-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-As you know.

And I do agree,
it is quite magical.

I have to say, I think
it's one of the top five cars.

Anyone who buys a car now
for around £30,000
and doesn't buy one of those,

is either mad or boring.

-Yeah. No, that's fair enough.
-I'm completely in love
with it. I really am.

So, Vauxhall really having
quite a good show
this week on Top Gear,

because we all love that,

and, well,
if you've just joined us, this
isn't gonna make much sense,

but then that's your fault.
Where were you?

But basically, Vauxhall are
responsible for Jeremy
having to eat his own hair.

James, if you'd like
to bring it on.

We've had
Chef Antony Worrall Thompson
here preparing the dish

with Jeremy's hair.
And there it is.

Duh-dah! Ooh!

Oh, it looks worse
than I expected!

Holy mother of...
Oh, that...

Oh, it looks like
he's vomited on the plate.
And then...

Can I tell you something else?
And then the dog slept on it.

Can I tell you something else?
It's not as warm as
you might hope it was.

The temperature is the
least of my worries.

Oh, look at that.

-Come on, big fella!
-You're sure this is my hair?

Well, most of it, yeah.

Oh, hang on now.
No, it is all yours.

You said it,
you've got to eat it!

Come on, bring it down.
Swallow that.

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, God!

-There's a hair in my mouth.
-Yeah.

Yeah, you will get that.

I have to swallow it, don't I?
I've just swallowed it.

Well, next week,

uh, these two are gonna be
driving around in a wide
range of expensive cars.

I shall be going backwards,
going...
Making hairballs,

and we've got the
Ferrari Enzo coming.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, see you then.
Good night.