Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Clarkson Gets Wet in the X3 - full transcript

CLARKSON:
On today's show,

James tries to get a sofa
in a Volvo Estate.

The hamster goes
to see the vet.

And I go off-road
in a BMW that can't.

Hello, good evening,
and we start tonight
with a question.

Why do people buy
four-door saloons?

I mean, these days,
the family motorist
is presented

with a bewildering array
of options.

You've got MPVs, mini MPVs,
mini off-road MPVs,

SUVs, SUV off-road coupsters.

I mean, the list
goes on and on



and frankly,
we can't understand

why the traditional,
boring four-door saloon

hasn't been consigned
with Terry and June
to the history books.

HAMMOND:
But still they keep on coming.

And the latest
to stick its head
above the parapet

is the, uh, striking 407
from Peugeot.

I mean, look at that!

You're not going to lose it
in the Little Chef car park,
are you?

No matter how hard you try.

It has a mouth that's wider
than Will Young's,

and a super-slippery bonnet.

But there's a reason
for this frontal madness.

What you're looking at
is the future.

Because this is
one of the first cars
whose shape has been dictated



by new laws
to protect pedestrians.

You see that's why
it's all soft and roundy
here and here.

So that if a pedestrian
walks into you,

they can dust themselves off
and carry on staggering home
from the pub without injury.

Inside,
it's business as usual.

Big French comfy seats,

and a big French dashboard
covered in buttons.

They've just
machine-gunned it.

I daren't pressed a single one

in case I fire
an oil slick out the back
or launch a satellite.

And these French switches
are swathed in a fantastically
flimsy French plastic.

Do you know
what it is?
It's French.

But at least it's not trying
to be German, which is good.

The engine is typically
French as well.

A 2-litre,
136-hp diesel.

It's got a turbo
which takes ages
to kick in,

but it's also got
low emissions.

Which is all good news,
when it comes
to company car tax,

which is important

because only
company car drivers
will be driving these things.

It's on the money
for value, too.

Even the boggo one
comes with climate control,

traction control,
seven airbags and all
the usual electrical bits

for just under 15 grand.

So it's well priced,
full of French character
and it cuddles pedestrians.

But these days,
that's not enough.

No, these mass-market saloons
each have to have
a special selling point

if they're gonna
stand out
from their rivals.

The big thing about Peugeot
rep saloons

has always been
fantastic ride and handling.

And if this car
hasn't got that,
then forget it.

Peugeot know this,
and they've pushed
the boat out

with a brand new
double wishbone
front suspension.

It's like you get
on a Ferrari
or race car.

But is it any good?
Well, you're never gonna
find out on the A1.

So this is Croft
Racing Circuit.

2.1 miles of fast straights,
tricky chicanes,

and one of the tightest
hairpins in the country.

And these are radical racers.

They go from 0-60
in three seconds,

the fastest track car
ever to lap
the Top Gear circuit.

Now, usually,
they race from
a rolling start.

To do a rolling start,
you need a pace car.

And that is gonna be
me in this.

A diesel pace car.

No extra power,
no slick tyres.

In fact, the only modification
I've made, is this.

A rep car
leading a pack
of race cars.

This really is Keith
from Accounts running
in the Olympics.

Okay. There is no better way
to test the handling
of this car.

If I crash and
everyone piles
into the back of me,

we'll know it's no good.

Nothing like
a bit of pressure.

I can actually
feel them physically
breathing down my neck!

Right. Let's see
what this car's made of.

MAN:
Control to safety car,
away please.

This is it, we're away.

Now, I've got to get away
to a bit of a sharpish start!

'Cause those fellas...
Well, they've got their legs
on me, to be honest.

They're all over
the back of my car!

Now the safety car lap needs
to be done at about 70 mph.

We can all do 70 mph
on the straights.

The difference is
the radicals can do 70 mph
through corners.

Double wishbones,
don't let me down.

No! No squeal and no lurch.

Oh, around that bit.
Traction control interfering.

I have to say,
this clever suspension

is keeping me very flat
and very level.

"Fluid" is the word I'd use.
Very French.

This is very tight, this bit.

No understeer.

That's partly because,
I think, the traction control
that I can't turn off!

It's embarrassing
'cause they're all chasing me!

Now this is reputedly
one of the tightest
hairpins in racing.

If we get round here...

Eh! This thing's all right.

I thought I'd better
pull over at this point

and let them do
the rest of the race
without me.

But that was okay

because I'd already found out
what I wanted to find out.

Well, the Peugeot saloon
always had one
big selling point,

and it still has.

This is a very
good-looking car.

I think so, yeah.
Fantastic.

-And it handles well?
-It does.

-And it irons out creases
and potholes?
-Yep.

-Very well, indeed.
-It did. Right. Yeah.

Couple of things though.
One thing you wouldn't
have noticed.

-If you drive it
and you're tall...
-All right.

...your knees
are around your ears.

I didn't notice that,
it has to be said.

Not comfortable
behind the wheel.

And also the turbo lag
is horrific.

-Yeah, it is bad.
-I had my foot hard down
the other day,

in second gear
going up a ramp.

Not steep.
I could have
walked up it, okay?

It just stopped!

It's just ground to a halt.
It's very, very heavy.
That's half the problem.

With a diesel one,
that is a problem. Right.

Yeah. I mean,
my hair grows faster
than this goes.

-It's that slow. No, it is.
It's that...
-His hair.

HAMMOND: Does that grow
or is it just permanent...

-No, it's mowed.
-I thought it was nylon.

-It is.
-Yeah.

Expect to see daisies
growing in it somewhere.

Erm, basically, what it
boils down to, basically.

If you're small
and you want a 407,

-buy the petrol engine one.
-Yeah.

But if you're tall
and you want
a diesel engine car,

-just don't bother.
Buy something else.
-Yeah.

And now the news.

And we begin with news
of a new Citroen, the C4.
Here it is.

And it's a most
practical five-door, guys.

It's also going to be
available as a rather
coupe-like two-door.

Prices are going to be
from about £12,000.

It's going to be
on sale in the autumn.

The most interesting thing
about this car though

is a new safety system.

It can detect
when you are in your lane
on the motorway.

It knows where
the white lines are.

If you stray out of your lane,

it thinks, well,
you could be asleep,
nodding off or whatever.

It vibrates
the driver's seat
to make sure...

I'm sorry, hang on!

If you cross the white line,
your seat vibrates?

She's gonna
spend her entire time
on the hard shoulder.

I mean, if you're on
the motorway and you're
following one of those things

and it's straddling
the white lines,

look in the mirror,
she'll have her eyes crossed.
Like...

For mile after mile!

Pulling women
out of bridge parapets.

-No idea why
a big grin on their face!

Very briefly,
Aston Martin DB9,

we're big fans of that car
on this programme.

We all love it,
do we not, chaps?

Good news,
or exciting news
anyway,

they're going
to be making
a racing version of it.

Here it is.
I just wanna show you.

I mean... Cor!

-Isn't that just stunning?
-It's fantastic.

-That looks good.
-MAY: Glorious.

Now, we've been having a bit
of a go at caravans lately.

You, especially,
saying they don't stop
and let people pass.

They go too slowly.
We've had a response
from...a viewer.

-Here it is.

Yeah, well, you see,
I've lost interest
in caravans now

to be perfectly honest,
for one very good reason.

There's only
half a million of them
in the country

and I've got a new problem.

Just horses.
Because there are
one million of those.

Now, I wanna say,
at this point,

I like horses very much.

-Bit of relish.
They are delicious.

I like to
ride horses, personally.

CLARKSON: You can ride them.

-It is possible
to ride a horse.
-Yeah.

And that's probably fun, too.

-It is.
-Trouble is, yesterday,
I was coming to work,

seven miles of a-road,
a horse box in front of me,

never once exceeded 20 mph.

They've got a huge queue.

Lots of impatient people,
all on the wrong side,
trying to overtake.

Very dangerous
and you know that
there's a 25-year-old girl

in the horsebox

and she's only really worried
about the pet in the back.

-Now, we've got to do
something about this.
-It's very, very annoying.

-Yeah. But what can we do?
-Well, I think, it's...

The solution is just make
horseboxes faster.

-Well, you see, you can't.
-Put a bigger engine in it!

You can't because the horse
is going to fall over.

-Pack it in. Just...
-What with?

-Other horses.
Put more horses in it.

Put four horses in it.

Shetland ponies
sort of wedging...

-Pack them in like that!
-Now, hang on. No.

He might be right.
We could be clever about this.

I think,
horses might interlock.

-If you put one horse...
No, they might.

If you think about it,
they are thin at...

No. They're thin at the bottom
and fat at the top.

-You're not a vet, are you?
-No, I'm not.

But if you put
the other ones
in upside down...

Yeah, I know
where you are going
but you're being silly.

I have a plan.

You know, when you
go to Dixon's
and buy a television,

it comes in like
a polystyrene thing.

But if you got a horse-shaped
two piece like that,
with a handle on it.

That's stupid!
How's it going
to breathe in there?

That's a rubbish idea.

-That's a rubbish idea?
-Yes, it is.

How about this?
Brush the horse vigourously

and then have
a Velcro-lined horsebox.

But how are you gonna
get out at the other end?

-So, it'll just
stick to the wall?
-Yeah.

Well, then you will tear
its skin off

when you try
and take it out. You'll have
all these skinless horses.

Well, then, a bald horse?

-Oh, that's not nice.
-No, maybe not.
I don't know.

Has anyone else
got any thoughts
on what we could do?

-What?

MAN: Make it sit down.

-No, I can't...
-What? I'm deaf.

-WOMAN: Make it sit down.
-Make it sit down.

-Make it... Can you make
a horse sit down?
-No.

Well, you got to give it
a little chair
with a lap strap

-and then, click.

Anyone else got any thoughts?

-MAN 1: Two horses.
-Two horses.
This sounds good.

MAN 2: ...so you don't have
to move them.

Two horses!
You own two horses.

You have one where you live
and one where you're going!

-Absolutely!
-That's fantastic!

-Whoo!
-Yeah!

CLARKSON: Top man!

Close!

-HAMMOND: That is brilliant!
-That is brilliant.

Now, we've had an idea.
You know that programme,
Restoration?

They take old houses.

You look at
a whole lot of them
and they think,

"They're all falling down."

But you can vote,
the viewers,

on which one should be saved
and then they do it up.

Could we do that
with some old cars?

Yeah.
It's a simple idea.

Basically, what we're
going to do is,

if you write in
and tell us about
an old car

that you've got in your garden
with moss growing out of it

or maybe just a car
that you know about,
if it's not yours,

tell us what the car is

and your reason for
why it should be saved
and restored.

And then next series,
each week,

we'll have a look
at one of the cars
and hear its story.

And at the end,
you can vote for it.

And then,
the series after that,

you can see it
all restored and spangly.

-I think, it's got...
-Yeah, we're not
looking for...

We're not looking for
"I met my wife
in a Morris Marina."

-No, that's gross.
-Or, you know,

if you've just been lazy
and let it go to rot,
that's your problem.

No, I'm looking for
really good stories

like it was a getaway car
or Stalin owned it,

or something like that,
or it was a one off.

So do write to us
at, um...

It's a rip-off. Isn't it?
So, I don't know.

-Restoration Rip-Off. Uh...
-HAMMOND: Okay.

Top Gear, BBC, Wood Lane...

Just down the corridor
from Restoration
itself in fact.

London W12.

-HAMMOND: Yeah.
-Or go on your interweb.

Erm, oh, now.

Big story this week,
of course.

-Er, when the Berlin Wall
fell over...
-As it did.

...we all thought the Russians
would come over here,

buy potatoes, shoes, perhaps.

But, oh, no, they bought
the South of France.

They bought Chelsea,
and this week
they've bought TVR.

Hmm. Now we think...
Yeah, they have. They have!

We think this is a marriage...
It's very sad.

Obviously, because, you know,
another British car
manufacturer

has fallen
to foreign ownership.

But, Russian TVRs.

-Picture that!
-I mean, think of the names.

You got a black car,
red star, TVR Spetsnaz.

-HAMMOND: Yes.

TVR Molotov!

TVR Kalashnikov.

TVR Gagarin.

-Yeah.
-Or a really thirsty one
called TVR Yeltsin.

Think of that.

See where
you are going with that.
That's a good name.

However, I have thought
that there might be
one big problem. Okay?

Now, there's the new TVR
coming out very soon,
the Sagaris.

Have you seen it? I think,
we've got a picture of it.
Okay? There it is. Now.

-We've got to road-test that.
-HAMMOND: I know.

If we don't like it,
we've got a problem.

See, if you don't like a BMW,
or a Ford, what happens?

-Well, they write you
a sniffy letter.
-A sniffy letter.

-We'd laugh at,
put it in the bin. Okay.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

If you don't like that,
what's gonna happen?

You're gonna get
a knock on the door
at 3:00 in the morning

and two big blokes
and black car outside.

So, you're right actually.

"Okay, I'm sliding towards
the circular saw,

"it's got great handling,
turn it off! Turn it off!"

"I love the dashboard!
Now cut me down!"

Er, it's scary.
I don't like it.

I will get him
to road-test it.

HAMMOND: Yes,
you can do that one.

-Yeah, but I don't
really like TVRs though...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

The late James May there,
making one of his...

-HAMMOND:
Don't answer the door.
-...final remarks on Top Gear.

Erm,
what else have we got?

Oh, I know, yes.
We've had um...

We've had word from Peugeot.

They tell us
that they have come up
with a new small car

which they say,
is as revolutionary

as the introduction
of the hatchback
in the early 1960s.

-Does it fly?
-No, it doesn't fly.

We've had a look through
all the bumf here.

It says it's got four seats.

-And the ones
in the back fold down.
-We can call that radical.

-And it's got airbags
in the steering column.
-How did they do that?

And you can have it
with a 1.4 or a 1.6-litre
petrol engine or diesel.

It doesn't sound that
groundbreaking, really.
Does it?

No, it doesn't.
We were a bit perplexed.

So we've had it
shipped over from France
and it's here.

Now, it's got two doors,
one on each side,

which isn't particularly
revolutionary, obviously.

But, watch this.

-Hey! I love that.
-AUDIENCE: Whoo!

It's good, isn't it?
Now, sliding doors very
convenient in car parks.

Very entertaining
for small children.

But the thing I like is

that they make the noise
of the Star Trek doors
on the bridge.

-No, they don't.
-Yes, they do.

-Make the noise made
by the Star Trek bridge doors.
-Well...

-It goes sort of...
-No, they don't.
Try again.

Well, it's... All right.
It's sort of... Psshaw!

No, no, no.
Anyone?

Have a go.

-Pshew.
-No.

-Pfff.
-No, it isn't
that at all.

None of you got it.

He's right.
That's very good.

The other thing
about these doors
is I wonder

if they're available
on the Ford GT.

Just a thought. Erm...

The best bit about this car
though, for me is the interior
because...

I'll just put that down.

...when you're bored
with it, okay?

All the bits come off
like that.

And when you pop down
to the Peugeot dealership,

buy new coloured ones
like that.

And you can do the same
with these kind of mats here,

and the seat upholstery
and the door linings.

And basically, you've got
a whole new car.

Now, if you look
at the back of it,

the badge seems to say 1007,

but actually we can't call it
that apparently.

All the James Bond people
have gone to Peugeot and said

"No," because they own 007.

-We have to call it 1,007.
-Yeah?

Which isn't a particularly
snappy name

but I do think
this is a great little car.

I really do.
When's it on sale?

-Uh, next May, £10,000.
Very nice.
-Very good.

Okay, we've got to move on now
and talk about our studio,

which is,
you've probably noticed
over the years,

isn't what you call homely.

So, we decided
it needed brightening up

and sent James
on a shopping trip.

MAY:
And to help me bring
something back,

I have this,
the Volvo V50 Estate.

Surely, the perfect car
for transporting

a priceless objet d'art.

I'm on my way
to Newark Antiques Fair,

the biggest in Europe.

The Volvo Estate
is part of the very
backbone of our society.

It's used by middle England
to transport
little bits of England

all over England.

It's like the Eddie Stobart
of the chattering classes.

And from the driving seat,
at least,

this new one
is a very good place to be.

The seats are
very comfortable.

A great relief
if you've just come
from your post-sauna birching.

And this dashboard
has a lovely
Swedish logic to it.

Look at these buttons here.

Volume, tuning,
fan, temperature.

No argument.

In fact,
the only slightly odd bit

is that the ignition key
goes up here on the dashboard.

But you know what?

It's a really
good place for it.

There's a touch
of IKEA to all this,

but, reassuringly, an expert
has put it all together.

They've even gone
a bit Tate Modern.

Look at this centre console,
for example.

Not only is it
floating in outer space,
it's also see-through.

Except there isn't
anything to see.

At least let me
look at some wiring
or something.

Check the soldering.

We don't laugh
at Volvo Estate drivers
any more.

We have Rover drivers
for that.

And one of the reasons
we're not laughing

is versions like
this one, the T5.

222 horsepower.

A turbo charger thrown in.
150 mph.

Crivens!

So, comfy seats, nice buttons,
decent performance.

It's even quite
good fun to drive.

But none of this
actually matters
in a Volvo Estate.

What matters is
how big a piece of junk

I can fit in the back.

The old chief designer
of Volvo once told me that,

"Estates are boxes on wheels."

They are for carrying stuff.
That's all there is to it.

And he said that Volvo made
the best boxes on wheels.

Well, I'm afraid this box
has gone a bit pear-shaped.

Have a look at this.

That load space
is smaller than it is
on a BMW 3 Series Estate,

or an Audi A4 Estate,
or even the new
Jaguar X-type Estate.

The Jaguar's got
about 30 litres more
with the seats up

which I reckon
is probably about that much.

But with the seats down,
it's got 100 litres more.

And that's probably
enough for,
I don't know,

a charming Victorian
blanket box or something.

Now, that's not
really good enough

because space
is what a Volvo Estate
is supposed to be about.

I mean, what's going on?

Here we are, the Newark
International Antiques
and Collectors Fair,

in Nottinghamshire.

This is the biggest
antiques fair in Europe.

If I can find something
suitably tasteful
and big here,

maybe the Volvo
can redeem itself.

First though,
I'm going to need some help.

This is Tim Wonnacott.
He's from Bargain Hunt.

-Welcome to Top Gear.
-Thank you.

And he's gonna help us
find something tasteful
at a reasonable price.

I think, you've found
something already?

I have indeed.
Take this on board.

It's solid silver.
A little late Victorian
Edwardian timepiece,

all complete
with its hinge door,
nice movement...

-Can I just stop
you there?
-Yeah.

It's not really big enough.

I'm not really interested
in period or patina,

or porcelain dolls
or even an old propeller.

I just want something
that will completely

fill my Volvo's boot.

...frame.

-Oh, hang on.
-What?

-Pinball.
-You are joking,
aren't you?

Is the vast majority of it
complete tat?

-Yeah, look at that.
-I like that.

-You do?
-Yeah. I've got something
similar at home.

It's £10's worth!

Well, I might have it anyway.

-Now, I like the idea
of that.
-Do you?

-It's ready to go.
-Is it wormy?

It could be yours.

-Not sure.
- Not you.

-Yes!
-What?

Yes. That is very Top Gear.
Look at that.

It's leather, sort of.

It's button-backed.
It's gentlemanly.

And it smells
like an old Rover.

This beautiful Chesterfield

should fit nicely
in our Swedish Estate.

Not sure where the quality is
there, but if you like it...

-I love it. How much?
-TIM: You do?

Erm, I can do it
for you for £70.

TIM: What about £50?

MAN: £70, it's gotta be.

£50, come on.
Carry it away for £50.

£60, it's yours.

£60, but what about 50?

TIM:
Split the difference, £55.

£55, you got a deal.

If it'll fit in the car,
then it's a deal, yeah?

-Right.
-Done. Right.
Okay, bring it round.

MAY:
Now for the moment of truth.

-TIM: To you.

My hands are slipping
on the leatherette.

-You might have to tip
the cushions a bit.

Go on,
give it a push!

- Yes! Oh!
-Fantastic.

Hang on.

-No.
-Is that at the end?

-TIM: Yeah.
-Oh, for Pete's sake.

That would have gone
in a Jag or an Audi.

-Look, just look.
-Oh!

Just forget it, mate.
It isn't gonna fit.

So then, James,
what did you buy
to brighten up our studio?

-Are you ready?
-HAMMOND: Yes, go on.

-MAY: How about that?
-HAMMOND: Wow!

That's fan...
That's fantastic!

-It's...
-MAY: I was thinking of you...

I'm can have
a different hairstyle every...

Actually,
I've had a better idea.

Where's that hair bloke
earlier on?

-Where? Hair.
-He's over there.

Come here! Come on!
Come on! Quick! Come through!

Come fast! Come on!
Make way, make way, make way!
Quick! Quick! Quick!

Come on! Get yourself
in there, mate.

Look, this is it!

Sit.

Aw! Look at that!

-We'll put that down there.

Sorry, mate.

Do you mind
if we just discuss
the car momentarily?

'Cause I drove
one of these ones
the other day.

-It was a diesel version,
okay? And I thought...
-Hmm.

It was a bit thin,
a bit weedy.

You're right, actually.
Because that T5
is quite good fun,

-but the rest of the range
is a bit boring, to be honest.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

And the Jag
that you had last week,

-the X-type, X-type Estate...
-Yeah.

...is more practical,
obviously.

Uh, it's got a nicer engine.
It's more fun to drive.

And actually, it costs
pretty much the same money.

And if you'd taken
the X-type up there,

we could have had
that green sofa,

-and you wouldn't
have been humiliated so much.
-Yeah.

Jaguar's built
a better estate than Volvo.

-What does that mean?
-I don't know. Weird.

Anyway. We've got
to move on. It's time
to meet our guest.

Now, he was one
of the participants recently,

on the Sport Relief programme,

in which a number of people
drove round a racetrack.

Okay. Most of the participants
were very happy to have lost,
but not this one.

Complaining,
accusing me of cheating.

So, he's here.

Please welcome
former chat show host,
and whinger,

Paddy Kielty.

-How are you?
-Hello, good man.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

-So, um...
-Thanks for that lovely intro,
by the way.

-No problem...
-Good sense of fair play,
I can see.

The fact of the matter is,
man, you lost.

Okay. All right.
Let the audience decide here.

Okay? Let's...

Have we got a clip of this?

Should we discuss
this further, or...

You want to discuss it?
What's your problem

-with the way
that I overtook you?
-Okay, okay. Apparently...

Apparently, in the world
of motor sport,

-if there's a yellow flag...
-Mmm-hmm.

-Er, you're not allowed
to overtake.
-True.

Unless you're
a rather tall man
with kind of fuzzy hair.

No, you can't overtake.

-The thing is though,
there was an accident...
-Yeah.

-...in this race
for Sport Relief, okay?
-Yeah.

There was a waved yellow flag,

Paddy slowed down...

Being the gentleman.

Absolutely. I slowed down
behind him.

We went past the accident.

Now, what you didn't
realise was...

Well, actually,
you're supposed to have
a green flag that waves.

-Right. Where was
the green flag?
-I...

You see, I knew
and you didn't know

we'd forgotten to bring
any green flags.

So, when we past the accident,
I just put my foot down.

-You know what?
We've got a clip.
-Okay, let's take look.

-And watch how
he reacts, okay?
-Make your own mind up.

CLARKSON: Here we go.

Which car was mine?
That's mine

in the bright, catching you.

That's me in front.
That's me in front.

-You started ahead of me...
-I slow, yellow flag.

This is under the yellow flag.

We go past the accident,
which was there.

I'm thinking,
"What are you doing, man?"

Put my foot down.
There you go.

That .

Well, you can't drive around
under a yellow

at 20 mph for the whole race,

'cause otherwise
no one would overtake you.

You're the only man I know
who actually confuses
his own opinion with fact.

Anyway, let's talk
about chat shows.

-Yours has been axed.
-Yeah.

And, uh...

Well, I would say
mine's finished.

But as you know,
Jeremy, chat shows
kind of rise and fall

on the standard
of their guests.

-We had you on, didn't we?
-Yes.

It's a good point, that.
See, I was gonna bring
this up.

-Go on.
-'Cause one of the things
I notice with chat shows,

'cause I had one briefly.

-For a little, tiny bit, yeah.
-For a very little time.

Yeah, I thought I'd try
something different

and then just ended up
back where I started.

Here. But the point is...
Is that, um,

it just gets to the point
where you are
only interviewing

other chat show hosts.

You got Jonathan Ross
comes on yours,

and then you've got
Frank Skinner's got
Michael Parkinson.

I'm now on yours,
you were on mine last year,
we both went on Parkinson...

-Exactly.
-Yeah.

It's just chat shows
moving around.

So who was
your worst guest?

I would say,
probably the worst guest
was Oliver Reed.

-Really?
-Yes.

Um, the fact that
he'd been drinking
from, uh,

-12:00 in the afternoon.
-On the day he was born.

And the show went live
at, uh, half 9:00.

Uh, not really a good look.

Uh, the opening line
was, "Well, Oliver,
welcome to Ireland.

"How long have you been here?"

And he said, "Young man,
how long is your dick?"

And let me move into
interview mode now,
if I may. Um...

-Okay, am I watching
the master here?
-Yeah.

-Here we go.
-Watch... Watch and learn.

-Okay.
-You've got a Porsche Cayenne.

Any particular reason
for that?

He's stumped.

Okay, can I just tell
the people here, okay,

whenever we're doing
Stars in Fast Cars,
and he said,

"So what are you
driving now?"

And I said, "Porsche Cayenne."

And he went, "Two words,
Graham Norton."

Now, what is that
meant to mean?

Is it meant to mean
it's a slightly camp choice?

What were you
hinting at there, Jeremy?

I'm merely saying
that Graham Norton has one.

-Yes.
-It was just...

Are you still driving
the Mercedes that
Dale Winton drives?

Oh, yes. No.

-You see, you...
-Yes.

-Oh, dear.

I think he's... There's just
two words I gotta say
to Dale Winton now is,

"I think it's Aston Martin."

That's very true,
he actually changed.

Because he thought that
your car was too camp.

Sort of that. Actually,
I've done Graham Norton
later in the show.

-I mentioned him...
-Very good.

Well, you see...

Mentioned him.

-I kind of mentioned him...
-I think we're all
looking forward to that one.

Okay, yes.

Uh, but the big news,
of course, is that yesterday
you bought a DeLorean.

What in the name
of all that's holy possessed
you to do such a thing?

Okay, look,
I'm from Northern Ireland,
to start with, right?

So if you're from
Northern Ireland

and someone actually tries
to build a sports car factory,

in Belfast, in 1980,

when Belfast is more like
downtown Baghdad,

then manages to come over,

build something which I think
is actually aesthetically
quite pleasing...

-Well, we've got it here.
The very one you bought. Yeah.
-There it is.

In the process, manages
to take Margaret Thatcher
for 100 million,

and still has time to end up
in a hotel room
with a suitcase full of snow

that Alberto Tomba
couldn't ski down,

I think is a bit of a hero!

For me.
You now, obviously,
it doesn't drive that well.

It sort of drives
like a double-decker
with marmalade wheels.

It's... It's build quality,

not best.

Engineering-wise, it is not...

-I mean,
it was a Renault engine.
-Yes, Jaguar back brakes,

Cortina front brakes.

-And then a Lotus Esprit...
-Easy now.

Lotus Esprit kind of chassis.

Yeah. Well, you see,
the thing about it is that

in Belfast we don't
really have a great
engineering history.

You know,
the last thing we built
before the DeLorean

went down with Kate Winslet
and Leonardo DiCaprio
hanging off the back of it.

-So...

-It, uh...
-They're still very proud

of that though in Belfast,
aren't they?

No, they actually are. When...
Belfast is the only place

where the taxi drivers
pick you up and show...

And when you're driving past
the ship yard go, "That's
where they built the Titanic."

And you should have gone,
"Shut up about it.

"It didn't even make it
on its first trip, man."

Now, you grew up, of course,
in Northern Ireland.

It can't have been
that easy driving

in those troublesome times.

Yeah. I had a few crashes.

-Go down well?
-Um, not when I crashed
into The Parachute Regiment.

We were having a check point
just outside my village.

-Really?
-Yes.

The boys had
their little checkpoint
pulled across

with their armour-plated
Land Rovers.

I'm in my mum's
armour-plated Volvo.

The damage
to theirs was this...

The damage to mine
was just cataclysmic.

And whenever you actually
have an accident

and you're getting that
sort of terrible slow-motion
feeling where you think,

"I'm gonna die."

And then you stop
and you go, "I'm okay."

Imagine that feeling,

"I'm okay," and then
you hear this sound.

-Yes.
-Uh, exactly.

Of course,
you're in London now.

I am in London.

Slightly different
trying to drive a car

with a Northern Ireland
registration, through
the streets of London.

-You still got
Northern Ireland plates?
-I do.

Always good for parking
in the Royal Borough.

That's good.

And Chelsea.

All you do is just pull in
anywhere you want and just go,

"I'll be back
in five minutes!"

Now, that would work.
And, of course, LA as well.
You're over there a lot.

Um, yeah, um.

Don't they think that
that accent's just Martian?

I mean, can they
understand what you're
on about in America?

Now let's be honest.
Have you heard Brad Pitt?

What was that film
Brad Pitt was in?

Well, you see, Brad Pitt...
Americans trying to do
Irish accents...

It's hysterical.

Well, you see,
they go around the whole
26 counties of Ireland...

I love whenever
I come over here, right?

And people say,
"Where are you from?"

And because
I'm from Northern Ireland,

and I say,
"I'm from Ireland."

So they always
do a Cork accent.

So they'll always say to me,

"So, Paddy,
where are you from?"
And I go, "Ireland."

And they go,
"Top of the morning to you."

And I say,
"Where are you from?"
They go, "Essex."

So I go,
"Why, hey, man."

Ours is quite a big
country, too!

I think it's about time
we had a look at your lap.

-Do you think?
-Yeah.

Who'd like to see Paddy's lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Where do you think
you'd like to come on there?

I don't know. Um...

There's quite a nice,
little gaggle at
one minute fifty...

Where's Alan Davies?
Where did... Where did...

Alan Davies is there.

1.54. But it was mildly damp
when he came.

-Uh, okay.
-And it's bone dry
and boiling hot.

Yeah. Anywhere kind of
in the top half, 'cause things
didn't really go to plan...

-Top half?
-...with the lap.

Shall we have a look
at Paddy's not-to-plan lap?
Here we go.

CLARKSON: A fine start.

Now, The Stig tells me...

-Yeah.
-...that you have
phenomenal car control.

-Seriously,
I'm not joking. Yeah.
-Did he?

CLARKSON:
And enormous bravery.

He didn't say bravery,
but, nevertheless.

Here we go.

That is very, very good.

Very good.

Braking into the second,
through...

CLARKSON: Grimly determined
is how I'd describe you.
KIELTY: Oh, I would, but...

CLARKSON: No. That's poor.
Too much, too much understeer.
KIELTY: Yeah.

-Was that flat out
through there?
-Pretty much.

Flat out through there?

-Yeah.
-Brave man.

Oh, definitely
flat out through there!

See, that's
the sort of car control
we're talking about.

And then,
into the final corner.

KIELTY:
Then it goes a bit... Look!

-Well!
-Yeah.

-Right.
-Yeah.

Here we go, then.

-Go on, then.
-One minute,

48 seconds dead.

A pretty good time,
I think you'll find.

Does that actually mean

that because there was
no yellow flag,

that I actually beat
your time, Jeremy?

Yup.

There was one
fundamental difference though
between your lap and mine,

apart from the two seconds.

-Yeah.
-Which is that when I finished

I got out and the car
was perfectly serviceable.

-Who'd like to see Paddy's...
-I don't...

I don't think we really need
to go there.

That looks okay to me.

Yeah, it looks okay,
but I don't think
we should end it there.

Well, we'll take a vote.

Do we end it now
or do we have a look
at Paddy's practise lap?

-Hands up if...
-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, mate.
They really want to see it

and it's kind of a democracy
here, you know.

So let's have a look.
Here we go.

CLARKSON: It's, uh,
second to last corner,
always the tricky one.

Kept your foot in it.
Brave.

Bit foolish because...

And that was the end
of the entire
front suspension there.

Yeah.

Can I get to keep this?

You can keep...
That was all
that was left of it.

'Cause then we put you
in the other car
and then what happened?

I stuffed that as well.

You stuffed that as well.
You've come here.
You've broken both cars,

but it's been
an enormous pleasure,
nevertheless.

-Yes.
-And I'll see you around soon.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Paddy Kielty.

Well done, mate.

CLARKSON: This is the BMW X3.

Like the X5,
it handles beautifully.

But unlike the X5,
you sit fairly low down.

Now sure, that means
you can't laud it over
other motorists

with a commanding
driving position.

But because
you're so low down,
it feels like a normal car.

In fact, it feels better
than a normal car.

It feels like a seriously
well-sorted sports saloon.

And because it has
the same sort of electronic
four wheel drive system

as a Mitsubishi Evo-8,
it grips well, too.

The gearbox is a bit
dim-witted,

but the engine more than
makes up for it.

It's got a good
growly base note

and some fairly serious punch
as well.

Then there's the question
of value.

An X5 three-litre sport
is £37,000.

An X3 three-litre sport
with exactly the same engine
is £33,000.

£4,000 less.

And don't think you're getting
any less space,
because in terms of length,

there's only two inches in it.

If you can manage
without a top speed of 137,

you can buy
a two and a half-litre version

for £29,000
and that's pretty good.

In fact, this is shaping up
to be a pretty good car.

So, fantastic achievement.
Well done, BMW.

Top of the class.

Um, no.

Because, you see,
there are one or two problems.

First of all, it has a truly
dreadful, jowl-wobbling,
bone-shaking ride.

You honestly couldn't
possibly live with it.
You really couldn't.

I mean, I know this road
is as smooth as silk.

And yet, the X3 is finding

huge pot holes and massive
mountain ranges to bump over.

The last time
I was this uncomfortable,
I was on a windsurfer.

And it's not just
the ride, either.

You may have noticed by
this stage that the styling's
a bit iffy as well.

It has the grace
and architectural merit
of a 1950s secondary school.

It is ghastly.

And inside,
things get even worse.

It's an unremitting sea
of dreary grey drizzle.

BMW say everything's made
to be recycled,

but to be honest,
everything feels like
it already has been.

One of the things
that worries me is that
this car isn't made by BMW.

It's made by a sub-contractor
in Arnold Schwarzenegger's
hometown actually,

in Austria.

And I think they've used some
of his melted down dumbbells
to make these bumpers.

Very cheap.

And look at the shape
of this rear window.
I mean, what happened here?

Did a designer sneeze perhaps?

I mean...

It really is
a very hard car to like, this.

And it gets worse
when you take it

out there.

This isn't
a particularly tough
off-road course.

Come on! Come on! Kick on!

And at first,
everything seemed fine.

Come on!

No, this is not going to work.

I've gotta say it's got
reasonable traction,
reasonable...

When I said
reasonable ground clearance,

what I was going to say
is really appalling
ground clearance.

We are, um, teetering.
That's the word
I'm looking for there.

Dread to think
what the underside looks like.

Basically the X3
was like a yachting dog.

Endlessly dragging its bottom
along the ground.

-Now, you see,
at this point...

...the most useful thing
you can have
in a four wheel drive car

is a sound recordist.

Get out, go push.

Come on, man!

That's it. He's...
Look at that.
He's a horse of a man!

The X3's on-board computer

is supposed send
the engine's power
to whichever wheel

has the most traction.

Worked on the road,
but not here.

Okay.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Can you bring
a Range Rover and a rope?

We need a tractor.

After Thunderbird II
had pulled me out,

I only had 100 yards
of rough stuff to go

before I was back
where the X3 belongs.

On the road.

I don't believe it!
It's happened again!

It's happened again!

Ah, my door won't open.

I haven't even got a sunroof
to escape out of!

I'm gonna be
in here forever!

I've got to wait for basically
wind erosion

to blow away the soil
before I can get out.

All I have for sustenance
are these mints.

And all there is to do in here

is think that, really,
this isn't a particularly good
off-road car.

As off-road cars go,
this is not...

Not a good one.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

That bad?

Afraid so, yeah.
And it's not just the ride

and the cheapness
of the materials,
and the styling,

but the thing is,
is that you've got
no high driving position.

And it's no good off-road.

So I can't see the point!

Why don't you just buy
a 5 Series Estate?

Yeah, I mean, it's gonna
have the same number of seats,

it's gonna be
a lot more comfortable...

A lot, lot, lot, lot more
comfortable.

-It's almost...
-It's cheaper as well.

No, it's the same price.

It's faster,
it's more economical,

and people, if you have a car
like that, won't hate you.

No, for driving it.
I mean, it's not...
It's not exactly beautiful.

No, it's not beautiful,
but compared to this?

Granted.
Compared to that
it is beautiful.

But what if you are
one of the... You know,
one in a million

who do wanna go hang-gliding
on a mountain bike
off a cliff or whatever?

I want perfect.

Easy solution.

-I give you
this Land Rover, okay?
-What?

No, no, no.
You can buy
one of these for what?

£19,000-20,000, okay?

£4,000 will kit it like this,

with the lights and the seats
and aluminium
and the big wheels and so on.

And the great thing
about this is,
it will go off-road!

'Cause it has
the three big deals.

-It has the...
-Big chunky tyres.

Big chunky tyres,
lots of ground clearance.

When you get stuck
you pull a lever and there's
a noise,

as a big bit of metal moves,

and then you keep going.

And in this thing, okay?

And all those stupid SUVs,
they're all ridiculous,
it's not just this one,

you push a button
and a light comes on!

What good's that?

-It's just a light.
-It's a light.

How can electricity help?

I want a lever!

And that's what you get
in one of these.

These are fantastic.
They really are.

So, really, to sum up,

if you're gonna go

extreme ironing or whatever
it is you do from...

Get yourself one of these.

It's a lot cooler than an X3.

If you're just gonna do,
you know, say, the school run,
you want a practical BMW,

get one of these.

And if you are
clinically insane,

by which I mean
you wake up in the morning
and think you are an onion,

here's your car.

Enjoy it. You could
go to Mars in it, maybe.

Now you might have noticed
this week,

there's a kind of interesting
role reversal thing
going on in this show.

I mean, Jeremy's just
been singing the praises
of a Land Rover

and I am now gonna go
spanking around our track
in a big V8 sports car.

Italy has Ferrari.

Britain has Aston Martin.

And America

has the Corvette.

In the pantheon
of American sports cars,

this is
their greatest offering.

It's been around for 51 years.

And in America,
they don't even have stuff
that old in museums.

And what a name, too.
Corvette.

And besides that iconic name,
it actually looks
like a sports car,

as we in Europe know it.

It's not the usual American
enormous saloon

with the engine
out of a battleship.

This has always been
purpose built as a sports car.

And in half a century,
the recipe has never changed.

Always a sweeping body,
always rear drive,
always fibreglass.

This then,
is America's Porsche 911.

But here in Europe, we already
have a Porsche 911.
It's called the Porsche 911.

So we've never been
too interested in the 'Vette.

But that's not gonna put off
the Americans from trying
to sell them to us.

And whilst a basic 911
will set you back £60,000,

this costs a more modest
£40,000.

For that, you get a six-litre
V8 with 400 bhp.

But more importantly,
400lb-ft of torque.

Now that's enough to pull up
all of those trees over there
and put them over there.

Now for the price,
that may seem like a bargain.

But sadly, there's also
quite a lot of this car
that's bargain basement.

These plastics,
where are they
getting them from?

It's the same
with every American car
we drive.

These are the people
that can land on Mars!

And there's more misery
to come
when you're driving it.

The clutch is making
my left leg hurt.

And the gear change
has been taken straight out
of a Victorian signal box.

I'm changing gear.

And then there's the
chassis technology.

The Corvette's rear suspension
uses leaf springs.

Let me make that live for you.

If you went to your doctor's,
and he got a jar of leeches
out, you know what I mean.

And I haven't finished yet.

There's still the ride.

Let me show you
exactly what that means.

Here we go.

Ooh!

Oh, dear. Is this the pinnacle
of American sports car icons?

A plastic wedge
with a horrible interior,
clunky transmission

and suspension technology
lifted from the Old Testament.

Well, let's hope the Corvette
can redeem itself
with good old-fashioned grunt.

Now this has always been
the party piece
of the American sports car.

So can this one follow
in the tradition
of its government

and get up
other countries' noses?

What we've got here
is a United Nations drag race

with Britain being represented
by a 350bhp TVR 350.

Japan by the Honda NSX.

And from Germany, a 911.

All with roughly
the same power,
all purpose built for the job.

Okay, bit of
spin off the line.

The Porsche
has gone backwards.

The TVR is
absolutely steaming ahead.

Neck and neck with the NSX,
the Japanese.

Oh, this looks poor.

A lowly third
for the Corvette.

The Brits! Oh, dear, they win.

So, is this American any good
at anything?

Well, actually, yes.

The head-up display,
that's cool.

That's a very good thing.

It shows you revs and
speed and all sorts,
which is useful.

And here's something else.
Interesting.

A G-metre.

Now, why would an American car

need a G-metre?

Well, here's a clue.

The new Corvette
is 5 inches shorter
than the old one.

And the wheels are closer
to the ends of the car.

And there's only one reason
they did that.

To make it better
at going round corners.

It feels small,
it feels nimble.

It's steerable,
it turns in quickly.

This is amazing.
Look, this is a corner.

We go round a bend.

They don't have these
in America. How do they know
how to do this?

It may only have leaf springs
underneath, but so did
Charlton Heston's chariot.

And look at the fun he had.

And when you really hammer it,
it starts to sound
like a proper muscle car.

You know this seems to happen
every time we test a car
from the colonies.

It was the same when Jeremy
drove that Australian Holden.

They're a bit crude,
but really, really big fun.

This one is like
an American footballer.

It might look simple.
It might belch in sports bars.

But underneath,
there's quite an athlete.

Can I just show you something?
Do you mind if I just show you
something? Look at this.

-Yes, I know!
-Look at that!

-Yeah, I know.
-Look at it.

If you're a pedestrian,
and this backs into you,

you'd be very pleased
for that.

It's comfy.

And can I just bring
something else up
from the film?

Yes.

-Leaf springs.
-Oh.

Yes, well,
basic but functional.

-Leaf springs!
-Yeah, I...

Like you get
on a Silver Cross pram.

-Yes!
-Or a medieval ox cart.

This is true, but they work!

You're not

seriously suggesting that
this car could go round
the track as fast as, say,

a Russian TVR?

Let's find out. It's time
for some shock and awe
with George W Stig.

And away he goes.
Loads of wheel spin
off the line.

Don't forget that's
400 snarling Wild West horses
fighting back.

Question is will they
make life difficult
through the corners?

There's oversteering there!

A lot of oversteer,
which is a bit of a worry.

Look at that.

Oh! Locking the front wheels
into Chicago there!

It does get a bit frisky
when you're braking
very hard on the Corvette.

Coming around
to the Hammerhead now.

Lots of cars understeer here.

But not this one.

You can actually hear
The Stig feathering
the accelerator around there,

trying to keep
that back end in line.

He's heading up towards
the follow through now.

Now, the Corvette should be
very fast here.

The Stig can really
open up that big V8.

Ooh! That is properly quick!

Now in the first half
of the lap, the Chevy was
looking set for a solid time.

It could have been
in the high 1.20s.

Will he hold on to that?

Bit messy there.

Coming towards Gambon,
more oversteer through there!
And across the line in...

-In what?
-One...

-Down here, yes. Obviously...
-Which is good. Yes. 20...

6.8!

Now that is a fast car!
I'm sorry! You can't deny it,
Clarkson. Look at that!

-That's not bad!
-It's faster than... I mean,
it's nearly as fast as an Evo!

-MAY: It's a quick car.
-I'll grant you that.
It's a very quick...

A messy lap,
but a very quick time.

So there we are. If you want
a plastic left-hand drive car
with Vietnamese suspension,

-here it is.
-That's very fast!

Whatever. That is the end
of the show, I'm afraid.

And, in fact, the end
of the series.

So we'll see you
in the autumn.

Thanks very much
for tuning in.

See you then. Good night!