Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Can You Parachute Into a Moving Car? - full transcript

JEREMY: On today's show, James
and Richard take some Cabrios

to the wilds of Scotland.

I go skiing on the B4796.

And can you parachute
into a moving car?

Hello, and welcome
to this trio of sports cars.

Now, they're all small and
cute, and they've got kind of
puppy dog eyes.

So, to decide
which one's best,

I think that's probably a job
for Top Gear's
resident hamster.

RICHARD: This is the
Mercedes SL600. It's a German
two-seater roadster.

It's got an enormous 6-litre
V-12 twin turbo engine

that can do nought to 60
in 4.7 seconds.



It's clever, too. It's got
climatronic air conditioning
that even senses

how many people
are in the car.

It costs £93,000.

But there is
a slight problem here.

Because the moment
you do that,

75 grand of that value is
wiped clean away.

Gone.

You see, as soon as you've
got the wind in your hair,
you slow down.

So you don't need mega power.
Your hair'll come out.

And so all the electric safety
gizmos and the clever climate
control are unnecessary.

And this is my point.

In the same way that there's
a perfect time for
boiling an egg,

there is a recipe for a
perfect roadster.

It should be small,
nimble, light, and above all,
relatively cheap.



I can say this
with utter confidence

because I'm British,
and it was the British who
invented the perfect roadster.

This type of car, then,
is in our blood,

and as is often the way
with these things,

today the best British
roadsters are Japanese.

The Mazda MX-5 is the car that
reintroduced the roadster
to a modern era.

And it makes no bones about
pretending to be British,

even Alf Garnett
would be fooled.

It's just so simple!

And that parpy exhaust note
and snickety gear change,

well, they're nicked straight
from the Lotus Elan. And
that's it. That is an MX-5.

But perhaps most amazingly,
the MX-5 is now about 15 years
old, and in all that time,

they've hardly changed it!

But then, why would they?

Because it is still one of
the best-handling little cars
in the whole world!

It's fantastic!

But if Mazda have
kept things simple,

that's nothing to what
Toyota have tried
with the MR2.

They wanted the MR2 to be
light and focused,
like a racing car.

So the engine is here,
in the middle.

In fact, the engineers became
so obsessed with perfect
weight distribution

that they didn't want you
messing it up with heavy
luggage in the boot.

So there isn't one.

If you're planning a weekend
away in one of these, it had
better be to a nudist camp.

Like the Mazda, this MR2
hasn't forgotten the basic
rules of the roadster.

The engine is only a 1.8,

there are no fripperies
like a powered hood
and electric seats,

and it costs
less than 18 grand.

But where the MX-5 really is
a bit of, well,
a lot of frothy fun,

this is a bit more serious.

Of the two, it is probably
the faster, but it's also
the most hard work.

The Japanese don't have it all
to themselves, though.

The only people with a
roadster heritage as strong
as ours are the Italians,

and they're still having a
crack at it.

The Fiat Barchetta was on
sale here about
eight years ago.

I know, I bought one.
Then it disappeared,
and now it's back.

The Barchetta is
not just pretty,
it's also rare.

And that makes it cool,
as do the cute
little door handles

and the fact you can have it
in a colour called
"shiny grey".

Shiny grey?

That must have come
from a Mafia suit catalogue.

When it comes to making
you look more stylish,

the Fiat has
the Japanese cars licked.

Which is a good job, because
underneath, unlike the Toyota
and the Mazda,

it's front wheel drive.

Okay, so compared to the
dizziness and frivolity
of the MX-5

and the serious determination
and aggression of the MR2,

this is, well, nowhere near.

But it is kind of perky.
It's more a brisk roadster.

But it does have one
big, big advantage
over the Japanese. The price.

Because this pretty, pukka,
hand-made Italian roadster

costs 12 grand.
That's five less than
the other two.

But this, the MX-5,
remains my favourite.

If money's the issue,
buy a 12 grand second-hand
one of these.

It's more fun than the
Barchetta, it's prettier
than the MR2

and it's even got a small
boot, which isn't
a lot to ask.

The fact remains
that it just does
everything right.

If Delia made a recipe
for the roadster,
this would be it.

I agree with you.

This is brilliant. I mean,
it's been around now since,

well, the Druids were using
these, weren't they?

Ramses III had one.

Yeah, his was, I think it was
Laguna blue, his was.

Laguna blue.
Well remembered, actually.
Thing is, though,

of these little sports cars,
the one I'd have is the MGTF.

I'm sorry, you what?

I know it's... You sit on it
rather than in it, and it's
got roly-poly handling,

and you have to have either
a beard or breasts,

-but I've always had a soft
spot for it.
-It's rubbish!

You know sometimes when
a thought pops into your head,

you should kind of
leave it there and not
put it out in the world.

Did I just say that
all out loud, then?

Oh, yes, mate.
Sorry, yeah. You did.

Got another thought's just
popped into my head about how
like the cat in Shrek 2

you look like.

I said that out loud as well,
didn't I? No. Sorry.

JAMES: This is Bentwaters,
a big airfield in Suffolk.

This is Tim, who's a
parachutist, and this is Ben,
his racing driver mate.

Today, Tim is going to
parachute out of a plane and
attempt to land in Ben's car

while Ben is driving at
50 miles an hour.

While the Cessna Turbo 206 is
being prepared, I'll explain
what's going to happen.

Tim will bail out, and he will
descend in a series of
very elegant spirals,

down to about 700 or 800 feet.

Then, Tim will go into a
high-speed swoop, travelling
at 70 miles per hour,

and dropping at
160 feet per second.

Timing is crucial, because
there will only be
a few seconds

for driver and skydiver
to meet up.

And there's something else
that's been worrying me.
Their practise attempts.

Last week, Tim was
practising bailing out of the
aeroplane and landing

on the runway, and Ben
was practising driving
along the runway at about

50 miles an hour, but the
thing is, they were on
completely separate airfields.

Today, Tim is accompanied
by aerial cameraman, Andy.

He'll be giving you a
skydiver's view
of proceedings.

At 4,000 feet, our heroes step
out of the Cessna,

and hopefully,
into the history books.

To Tim, Ben is just
a speck on the ground.

And to Ben, Tim is just
a speck in the sky.

Tim hits 800 feet, and
begins his high-speed swoop.

Ben starts accelerating hard,
he has to match the
parachute's speed

at the end of the swoop.

TIM: Get back, get back,
get back, get back!

Bad luck.

TIM: Well, getting much closer
than yesterday.

Well, do it again.

TIM: Yeah, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Cheating.

BEN: Hey, hey, hey!

So close!

I'll open the boot next time.

JAMES: No one imagined
this would be easy, but we
were beginning to wonder

if it was actually possible.

JAMES: Can you do it?

TIM: Of course I can do it.
Wouldn't be here if we
couldn't do it.

Yeah, good. That's the spirit.

Now, I don't want to make this
sound like a Hollywood film
script, but it was

the end of the day,
the light was fading,
the wind was picking up.

We probably had
two more chances.

TIM: Go, go, go!

JAMES: Oh, this looks good.

Yes, yes!

Yay!

Well done!
That was fantastic!

TIM: All right!

Good effort, nice one.
Well done, Tim.
Well done, mate.

JAMES: That's a world first!

That was unbelievable! Really!

I'm stunned, now,
I've just got to say,
well done!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ben and Tim!

JEREMY: The thing is, though,
unfortunately,

unfortunately, my guest
tonight could probably have
done that blindfolded,

and without a parachute.

Because over the years, he's
been thrown out of the SAS for
misuse of explosives

in a public place, he's walked
across the Antarctic,
he's walked to the North Pole,

he's run seven marathons in
seven days on
seven different continents,

and once he went to his garden
shed and cut his fingers off.

For fun.

He describes himself as a
travel writer.
Ladies and gentlemen,

Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

JEREMY: How are you?

Have a seat.

So.

So, lobbed out of the SAS.
Perhaps you'd like to tell us
what happened?

Well, it's a very long time
ago, it was about 1966, and a
friend of mine discovered that

Britain's most beautiful
village, Castle Combe, had
just been voted as such,

was being desecrated by
20th Century Fox making a film
which required building a

20 foot high concrete dam,
ruining this lovely village,
and my friend decided to bring

this outrage to the general
attention by blowing it up.

So I laid all the charges,
and it was quite successful.

We got caught. I was the only
one who didn't get physically
caught, because I'd been doing

another Army course on how
to escape from dogs by night.

I was thrown out of the SAS
back to my own regiment
in Germany.

So, how did you manage to
get these explosives out of
wherever they're kept

in Hereford?

Oh, I signed for them.

Saying you were going to go
blow up Wiltshire?

What you've got to do, is you
learn to blow up
as much as you can

using as little as possible.
And I was pretty good at this,
so I had a lot leftover

at the end of every day.

Your, um, your car history has
been, shall we say, chequered.

Because I understand you
actually lost your first car.

Yes, I had a very good deal
in Germany, with the Army,
and I got a Peugeot 203,

very smart car,

and we had a party to say
goodbye to one of our
squadron leaders in Hamburg,

and me and another lowly
second lieutenant went up
there, had a very good party,

left, and went back into the
streets of Hamburg, and
couldn't remember the street

in which we'd parked the car.
Um, and we never found it.

-Never?

-Never found it.
-Never found it.

Then there was a minivan,
this was when you were
running the Army ski team.

Several cars later,
there was a minivan
in Germany.

Every year we went
to ski and we did quite well
at the divisional level.

Then the entire division moved
300 miles through Germany
to go to the Army level.

And I was overtaking
the major generals
and everyone else,

'cause the mini was very good
on ice, and then I got to this
big hairpin bend.

I was alone, but all the
regimental skis were in the
back of the minivan,

and going around the bend,
I saw this big German lorry
coming up,

and I knew that centrifugally
I would not be able to do
anything but go into it.

So, I jumped into the back
of the minivan on the skis,

and it went like that and I
ended up looking and seeing
the steering wheel

was over where I would have
been. So I would recommend
that rather than seat belts.

If you're in danger,
leap in the back.

Exactly.

Now, anyway, after the Army,
you embarked on
what can only be described as

the most extraordinary
series of adventures,
possibly ever.

I mean, The Guinness
Book Of Records list you as
the greatest living explorer.

Well, they did do back in '84.
I've gone downhill since then.

I hardly think so. First
hovercraft descent of the
longest river in the world,

first surface journey around
the world's polar axis, first
human to reach both poles,

first crossing of
the Antarctica, and
the Arctic Ocean,

furthest north
unsupported record,

first unsupported crossing
of the Antarctic continent,

longest unsupported polar
journey in history,

and the first person...

Well, we'll go on
to that later on.

I mean, it's a never-ending
stream of strolling around
in very, very cold places.

And what I don't think people
understand is "unsupported".
That's a very critical word.

Isn't it, in these things?

Yeah, that makes all the
difference. It's like, sort
of, someone said

Schumacher doing the Formula
1 with no safety belt
and no helmet.

And, if something goes wrong,
he's in shtook.

But, if it goes all right,
then you're all right,
and that's the principle on

which you do it.

So, you've tried to go...
It's something
like 500 yards a day,

is what you will achieve in
these unsupported...

Yes. You can only carry so
much food, so much calories,
so you need to know in advance

how long
it's going to take you
to do the 500 miles.

So, if it's going to take
500 yards to begin with,
because of the big ice

and all the rest of it
and the cold,

then you've got to
speed up later on.

So mathematically,
it's either going
to be possible or it's not.

And if anything goes wrong,

or you fall in once,
to the sea, or in the south,
to a crevasse,

then you won't succeed.

I'm just baffled by this
notion. And we're talking
temperatures of...

The lowest we ever went to at
6,000 feet above sea
level in Antarctica

was a wind chill factor of
minus 122 degrees centigrade.

And of course, you have had,
on your own, I think in the
Arctic, wasn't it?

And not that long ago,
you had the moment when your
sledge fell into the...

Into an unfrozen piece of
Arctic Ocean.

Yes.

And then you got
frostbite pulling it
out and a doctor said,

"We're going to have to
amputate your..."

The doctor said, "You mustn't
amputate for five months
after the frostbite."

JEREMY: Oh, I see.

To allow the semi-dead stuff
which is going to
form the new flaps

to resuscitate itself over
five months.

But you didn't wait
five months, did you?

Well, I didn't wait
because for four months of it
it was very painful.

'Cause you've got these big
red talons sticking out,
which are dead.

And if you touch anything,

and it's difficult not to
from day to day
or when you're sleeping,

it is agonising.
So, I thought,
"Well, get rid of them."

And I tried with
a hacksaw and it didn't
do it,

so I got a Black & Decker,
and from the village I bought
a micro blade,

and I hacked them off just
above where the blood
and the soreness was.

At home?

In the tool shed, yes.
At home.

And the physiotherapist
said I'd done a very good job.

But the surgeon,
who was Italian,
was not happy with it.

He thought you should've
perhaps gone to hospital
to amputate?

He said it was making his job,
doing the
final surgery, difficult.

You've had your
toes fall off as well,
have you not?

I had them, Mike Stroud,
who I do these things
with, is a doctor,

and he managed to get
me to the head of
the NHS queue

when we got back, at
the Burns Unit,

so I had the stuff taken off
the thigh and put on
the missing bits of toe.

And it lasted about three
years. And then, one day,

I had a very hot bath
and the whole toe bit
came off.

I forgot... I forgot about it
and I left it on the bath.

I went off and, erm...

Anyway, the wife,
she was...
She got a shock.

'Cause I'm interested, 'cause
eventually, of course, this
remarkable life you've had,

did...

Well you had a heart attack,
let's put it like that,

which was followed by a heart
bypass operation and
then five weeks later

you started training to run
what became seven marathons
on seven continents

in seven days, which you did
five months afterwards.

-Um, we did. It was four
months after the bypass.
-Four months.

I couldn't have even done
the long-haul flight.

I get up and I'm just so tired
I just want to go to bed.

In retrospect,
I wouldn't have done it.
I would not do it again.

It was Mike Stroud's idea,
and it was...

Surely,
the doctors must have said,

"Look, it's probably not
a good idea to do this."

The Italian surgeon said,
"I have done
3,500 other bypasses,"

and he said, "But I can't
advise you,

"because none of the
3,500 ever asked if I could do
a marathon."

So, he sent me off
to a cardiologist,

who was an expert
and a bit of a runner,

and he said, "Look, there's
nothing competitional about

"doing seven marathons in
seven days

"as long as you don't let
your heart get above
130 beats a minute.

"If you don't do that, you've
got no problem whatsoever."

And so? Did it?

I forgot the machine
so I don't really know.

It's just a neverending...

It's hardly surprising
when you listen to this

to find that you
were considered
back in late '60s, early '70s,

for the role of James Bond
after Sean Connery.

But they had bad taste,
so they chose Roger Moore.

I got into the last six.

You really were...

I actually saw Cubby Broccoli,
he had a big cigar,

it was just exactly
like it should have been

and he took one look
at me and he said,
"Your hands are too big

"and you've got
a face like a farmer."

He didn't mince
his words at all.

Now, it was terribly sad,
last year your wife died.

You'd been together
since you were...

She was nine, I was 12.

We knew each
other for about 48 years.

Do you think that your drive
to keep going even now with
the marathons and so on

and future
exhibitions, expeditions

has anything to do with the
fact that you just want to
keep yourself busy?

I don't want to
think any more.

Don't have time to think, so
the more I can do, it's good.

Yeah. Keep busy.

Well, hopefully we can do
that today

'cause, of course today is,
frankly, your
greatest challenge.

Really, uh.

Can you beat Simon Cowell?

I mean, I know you've beaten
the elements, you've beaten
polar bears

but this is the big one,
really, today.

I will go and commit hari-kari
if I don't get
where I think I am,

which is hopefully above
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson!

If I am below her,
which I very much fear,

I shall be
really disappointed.

-Who'd like to see this lap?

I have a sneaking
suspicion that

you'd turn to this just so
easily. Let's have a look,
here we go.

JEREMY: Well, that's quite a
smooth start.

And that is the perfect line
through the first corner.

RANULPH: I thought you said it
shouldn't squeal.

JEREMY: No, it's that it's the
perfect line, most people go
far too wide through there.

Far too aggressive.
What're these horse noises
you're making?

And that again is extremely
tidy through there.

The Stig
presumably teaches you?

Ah, he's brilliant.
That Stig is excellent.

Very patient.
If you're thick,
he doesn't mind.

JEREMY: I don't think he
would've thought you
were thick!

This is really nice.

JEREMY: Oh, you'll like this
corner. This is the fast one,
the really, really fast one.

RANULPH: Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, that's a good corner.

JEREMY: Presumably, you
didn't lift off there?

No.

JEREMY: No, of course not.
I believed you wouldn't.
Most people do.

RANULPH: Stig had said
lifting off can, in fact,
slow you down.

JEREMY: Well, it will cause
you to spin. How are we
going... This is the really...

That's fantastic
through there.

Oh, yes, just clipped the edge
exactly as you should.
And, well...

JEREMY: And, yes, sort of
across the line, and on the
grass, and there we are!

JEREMY: And

it's a one.

If you can fudge it to put me
above Tara,
you'll be a friend for life!

There's no fudging necessary.
You beat her fair and square,
and by a big margin.

Thank the Lord.

You did it in one minute 51
seconds dead.
Which is right up there!

-How old are you now?
-I'm over 50.

Yeah. Way over.
I'm just looking,
I'm thinking,

is there anyone older
than you, apart from

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the
Starship Enterprise.

I'm probably older than him.
Yeah.

Exactly. Well, I think in that
case you are probably

the fastest kind of
older person we've had
coming around.

I always like to look for some
sort of little glimmer there.
Which is nice.

Um, and that is the end of
that. I'm absolutely stunned,
as ever.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ranulph Fiennes.

Ranulph Fiennes, everybody!

Wow! That was...
That was amazing!

How do you follow that?

Anyway, earlier on,
I drove a collection of
simple, soft top, sports cars.

Now, though, we're gonna have
a look at some
more elaborate cabriolets.

Last time we did this, James
and I went to Buttermere,
in the Lake District.

Because, supposedly, it's the
wettest place in Britain.

This time, though,
we went to Scotland.

And we don't mean some
pleasant countryside
minutes from Edinburgh.

No, this is the
Isles of Lewis and Harris.

Right at the tip
of the country.
Next stop, Iceland.

Up here, the locals think that
The Wicker Man
is a documentary.

Year on year, the must-have
accessory is a big jumper.

And all the telegraph poles
are missing.

RICHARD: It's a mystical
place, with ruins that are
older than Stonehenge.

But none of this
is why we're here.

No, we're here because these
islands have the lowest number
of convertibles per head

in the whole country.
They just don't like them.

No, they don't seem to.

No, in fact, there are only 19
on the whole of
the Isle of Harris.

JAMES: So, this year's crop
will have to work hard to
change things around here.

Maybe the locals can tell us
which one's best.

If you want to pick up a
woman, this is the car
just for you.

If you want speed,
and you want road,
you buy this Merc

'cause it's wicked.

JAMES: No, okay, we'll
have to do it ourselves.

And we'll start with the new,
eagerly awaited mini-cabrio.

This is the Cooper version.
It costs £14,600,
£2,000 more than the hard top,

and it's truly retro in not
having one of those newfangled
folding metal roofs.

It's fabric.

But it is quite clever,
because you can press
a button up here

and simply open the front
half, like a big sunroof.
A bit like you could

on the Citroen 2CV.
Then, if you want
the full monty,

you simply stop
at the side of the road
and down it goes.

And it all ends up
piled up on the back like
a folded picnic blanket.

Now, a cloth roof ought to
make the Mini lighter,
but it doesn't,

because they've had to add
strengthening beams
to keep the car stiff.

And they've added an extra
220 pounds to the weight
of the car.

That's like having a
fat mate on board
all the time.

So it's not quite as frisky
as a normal Mini.

I've never been mad about
the hard top Mini,
it's too nostalgic,

and the interior
is too chintzy.

And with no roof,
I like it even less.

Now, I'm well aware that

nobody will take a blind bit
of notice of what I'm saying.

This car will walk out of the
showrooms. But at least
Hammond agrees with me.

What gets me is, only sheep
can see us,
and I'm still embarrassed.

-You're still embarrassed.
-Yeah.

As luck would have it,
on our Mini journey,
we encounter a shepherd.

And his sheep.

JAMES: I don't want this to
be misinterpreted, but these
are actually

-quite nice-looking sheep,
compared to other sheep.
-Yes, they are.

RICHARD: So, would this
soft-top hating local be as
smitten with the Mini

as James was with
his livestock?

Well, actually, no.
He complained that there was
no room in the boot

for winter rams.

No, it's not a practical
kind of machine, but, I mean,
I dunno,

you and another shearer,
maybe on a nice day, you could
drive around in that.

No, thank you.
I think it's a ladies' car.

RICHARD: So what about this
car, with its folding
metal roof?

It's the new Vauxhall Tigra.
It comes with
a 1.4 or a 1.8 engine,

and it costs from
£13,000 to 15,000,

which makes it
one of the cheapest
small soft tops around.

But, sadly, the interior is
based on a Corsa, which is
never a good start in life.

Hideous silver-painted
plastic everywhere. Crinkly
finished and mismatched

from one corner to another.
More than anything else,
what's annoying me,

and frankly, depressing me
right now is that I was so
ready to give this car

such a kicking.

And I can't, 'cause I like it.

It's got a better
roof than the Mini,
it's cheaper than the Mini.

And it looks, somehow, funkier
than the Mini.

And there's another thing.

I'm pleased they haven't
messed about trying to squeeze
an extra two seats in the back

as well, because it's such
a waste of time when they
do that.

You can't get anybody in them.
What's the point?
Chuck 'em out,

make it a two-seater.

Now, the Tigra's chassis is
based on the current Corsa,
which is normally a pretty

desperate old thing.
But they've tweaked and
fettled it, and you know what?

It's a good thing to drive.
It's gripping and driveable,
I mean, it feels quite sporty.

In fact, the only
disappointment in this car
is that pound shop interior.

Which is bad in a car that
everyone can see into.

JAMES: It's a bit like
showing your pants, isn't it?

RICHARD: Yeah, it's like that
craze, isn't it, at the moment
for when girls go 'round

with their pants hanging out
over the top of their jeans.

JAMES: And, when they're
doing that, they don't put
grey pants on, do they?

RICHARD: No,
they wear nice ones.

JAMES: Yeah, with little
flowers 'round the top,
or things like that.

JAMES: And now, the car every
footballer's wife's
hairdresser's masseuse

has been waiting for,
the new Mercedes SLK.

And they're in for a shock,
because it's gone butch.

It's got a front end
like a McLaren SLR.

It's got a whole
new muscular body
which, actually, I don't like.

But I do like what they've
done with the rest of it.

Now, the old SLK was
considered a bit of a
damp flannel.

It was very pretty,
but it wasn't
actually that good to drive.

This one, however, is.

It now comes with
a new 3.5-litre V6
and a clever gearbox.

It'll downshift
like a racing car.

Give it a bit of a boot, all
right, it says, two or three
gears down, and we're off!

Yes!

But it's not all sport, sport,
sport. You get comfort too.

Here's an interesting touch.
If you're driving along
on a late summer's evening,

and you find the back of your
neck getting a bit chilly
in the turbulence,

you simply press
this button here, and you turn
on the "air scarf".

Air scarf is a little blower
in the head rest here, coming
out of these three slots,

that directs
a stream of hot air
at the back of your neck.

Quite a nice idea, I suppose.

Now, all this
doesn't come cheap.
The SLK 350 is £37,000.

RICHARD: Oh, dear. At that
price, it's not likely to up
the island's cabriolet count.

And, on the face of it,
this one hasn't got
much chance either.

The £41,000 Audi S4.

With a titanic
344-horsepower V8.

Now, we've driven
the hard top version of this
on the programme,

and we loved it.

And taking the roof off
only makes it better.

This is now the car for every
single occasion.
It's a four-seater,

and I do mean a four-seater,
it's got a big boot,
it's luxurious,

it's discretely styled,
and it goes...

It goes.
I mean, it really goes.

4.2-litre V8,
0-60 in 5.9 seconds.

Top speed, 155 miles an hour.

And the noise! That's worth
having the top down for.

In fact, this just breaks all
my rules about convertibles.

I like this plenty.

You used to say, if I
remember rightly,
Richard Hammond,

that you didn't need a
big engine in a cabrio,

because the pleasure
was all about having a cabrio,
but now you do.

Yup.

It's not just the power,
though. Or the noise.
Or the speed.

It's a long time since I've
been in anything
with just so much class.

So, let me just see if I've
got that straight.

Um, Audi and Vauxhall
you think are good?

-Yep.
-Mini you're less happy with.

Don't like that.
Hammond doesn't like that.

What about the SLK though?

Now, this is interesting,
this is a fantastic drive.

The new engine, brilliant.
I'm not keen on the front end.

I have to admit. I think...
Well, look at it.
It looks like the sort of...

It looks like the
fevered imaginings

of a pubescent schoolboy
drawn in a maths book.

That is...
It's vulgar.

But I like vulgar.

Well, there you go.

I like this car, I have to
say, and the one I'd have
to swish through

my electric gates with is the
55. They're not putting the
super-charged engine in

but the SLK55.
Big V8. Brilliant.

I think it'll probably
explode in a shower of
cogs and springs.

It's funny you should say
that, because I drove this one
round the track this morning,

bit irresponsible, 'cause the
Stig was in the Audi, and I
was chasing him,

and I shouldn't have been,
three laps and it's expired in
a cloud of smoke.

It's funny you should say
that, because what I didn't
tell you in that report

is that while we were going
around on the island,
driving very gently,

the gearbox went wrong,
got stuck in one mode,
and then Hammond tried

to move his seat, he just
wanted to go forwards, okay?
He pressed the little button.

-He would want to go forwards.
-He would, well,
obviously, yeah.

As he went forward, seat moved
forward, the seat moved back,
then the seat moved up,

the roof tried to come up,
some lights came on,
and, you know...

So let's just say, okay,
we agree it's fabulous
to drive.

Yes.

We don't agree on the styling.

No.

Uh, and we think it's
built like a Mercedes.

Yes.

-Not very well.
-It'll break.

Okay, that's that cleared up,
now, who'd like to do
the cool wall?

Absolutely! Now.

We haven't been here for
quite a while, so,
first thing,

little bit of housekeeping
to be done, okay? And
straight away, up here,

the Mini.
Now, it's been up there
at sub-zero for ages.

To be honest,
time and too
many estate agents

have kind of
eroded the coolness.

And I think it might...
It's not even cool any more,
it's down here.

There, all agreed.
We all agree. The Mini is now
uncool. Absolutely.

Absolutely, so,
the Mini cabriolet...
You see, the thing is,

if you've got a Mini, right
now you need to keep
a low profile,

you're driving round
in dire straits.

This, I'm sorry,
is even less cool.

No, you...
Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Well, now, that's perfectly
correct! I'm...

This is a serious,
not seriously cool, but this
is a cool car.

You are joking!

The people speak!

The people are speaking, okay.

It's cute,
it's quirky, and it's
a good girls' car, too.

Thanks a lot, that'll do.

RICHARD: No, listen!
You can find anybody else...

We have a new rule
on the cool wall.

Yes?

James May, who eats pastry,
drinks brown beer,
and thinks a curry is exotic,

thinks this is uncool.

He's always wrong on matters
of such things, there,
it's cool, and that's it,

thank you, and you can boo!

Jeremy Clarkson,
that is going to come
back and haunt you.

It's a cool car!
It's a convertible Mini!
You can't get cooler!

You're wrong, people are
going to laugh at you
for centuries.

Here is the Fiat Barchetta,
now, this...

It's gonna fall apart.
Every time you drive it,
you're gonna be stopping

to get out and pick up bits
that have dropped off.
But that's why it's cool!

It's got a
kind of shabby charm.

Work with me on this. It has.
There's a lot of blank looks.
It has!

It's a brave choice.
It's a cool car.

Who said, "It's still a Fiat"?

What's wrong with a Fiat?

They're not good.
They're French!

Where the hell did we get this
audience from?

Gardening programme, mate.
That's what it is.

Do you know what
Fiat stands for? The I in it?

Italia.

Do you know what I'm gonna
suggest, we've got a few more
to get through here, mate.

I'd keep my mouth shut
if I were you. Oh, dear.

Maserati Quattroporte.
What do we all think?
Let's ask you.

-Uncool.
I don't like the front of it.
-Uncool. Uncool, you think?

-Definitely cool.
-Cool.

-It's a British car!
-Cool.

Anyone else got a theory?
You got a theory on this?

-Cool.
-Cool.

-Cool.
-Cool.

-Why did I ask him?
-I've no idea!

I've no idea.

You're not a cool man!

You're just, you know...
You're worse than me.

It is cool. I mean, basically,
the thing is, if you drive
a big Merc,

basically, you look like
a taxi driver. Yeah?

If you drive a BMW,
you look like a drug dealer.

If you drive a Jag, it looks
like you might play golf from
time to time.

Drive that, freeze nitrogen.
That is verging on super cool,
that thing.

And I don't even
like the look of it,

or the gearbox,
or the ride, but there we are.

-Do you want to do the Tour?
-Oh, yeah, we gotta do the
Tour. Hatchbacks, yeah.

You know, we talked about them
the other day.

Now, hatchbacks,
if they're small and European,

we kind of quite like them.
Can't find any now.
A little Fiat, there.

Little French car.
Little Renault.

Made in Milan, that one!
These, we think,
are quite cool.

Ford C-max.

-Over there?
-I think it is.

RICHARD: Crikey!
Is it that bad?

-I think it's another one.
-Toyota Corolla Verso.

-Yes!
-That is uncool!

Which brings us
on to the Ford GT.

Very nice.

Don't anybody pander to him
just 'cause he's getting one!

I'll come over here.
What do you think?

Is that the one you've got?

I haven't got it,
I'm getting one, yeah.
What do you think?

-Cool.
-Cool.

It's cool.

-Cool, cool, cool.
-MAN: In the fridge.

-Uncool?
-Uncool, 'cause
you've got one.

JEREMY: You're exactly right!
That is it!

No car I've got can
possibly be cool.

No.

And it's not just me,
actually. Ford had a party
the other day for

the 28 people who are gonna
get one of these. It was like
being at the

Dennis Waterman
appreciation society.

Martin Brundle's getting one!
Have you seen his trousers?

Yeah.

So, I'm afraid it's
right down,
almost verging on...

It's there.

It's a shame, but it's true.
That is true.

It's true.

I want it to arrive and start
ruining your life soon.

Now, we gotta talk
about the British.

Over the years, we've taken on
the Germans twice
and beaten them.

We've beaten the Spanish,
the French, the Zulus,

I mean, pretty well everyone.
We are unstoppable.

Unless we encounter
a bit of snow.
Then we're stumped.

JEREMY: In the olden days,
we used to have
proper winters.

Even tall people were buried,
and whole towns disappeared.

But we battled the elements

with our
black-and-white lorries
and our steely resolve.

Now, though, we're told to
stay at home every time the
wind gets a bit brisk.

Good evening, and
welcome to North West Tonight.

Winter hit the region with
a vengeance today,
some people seem

to be panicking a bit.

There are reports of shoppers
clearing shelves of
flasks, duvets and gloves.

REPORTER: British Gas
is warning there could be
thousands of emergency calls

in the coming days.

JEREMY: Honestly, the way
they were going on
back in January,

you would have thought it
was time to build an ark.

Batten down the hatches,
and wrap up warm, because
Arctic weather's on the way.

If doing it is not necessary,
then people shouldn't travel.

Make sure you've got some
warm clothes with you.

JEREMY: And what did we get
after all their warnings?

This.
Not exactly Alaska, is it?

Still, it provided us with
an ideal opportunity

to test a new estate version
of Jaguar's X-type.

So, why is an estate car
so important in the snow?

Well, in the olden days, they
used to let you go out there

with nothing more than
a jumper and a shovel.

But these days, the health and
safety people say you need
rather more than that

if you're gonna deal with
these treacherous conditions.

They say that you
should take a
tow rope, obviously,

a rag to tie to your aerial,
in case you get
covered by a drift,

a torch, some warm clothing,
carpet to put under the tyres
if you get stuck,

mobile phone charger,
first aid kit, obviously,
plenty of water.

Good, um.
That's what they say.
But I think you can

probably go further without
being stupid.

Andy McNab, for instance,
he'd be a good idea.

Doesn't have to be Andy McNab
himself, anyone

from the SAS will do,

anyone with a knowledge
of how to build a
rudimentary shelter.

And drink their own wee.

Ray Mears, he'd do.
Thermos. Stove for cooking.
Some kindling.

Food. I've got a lot.
Soup, curry, chocolate.

I think some skis would
be a good plan.

Spare fuel. Sorry, mate.
Put a shovel on you.

And the hip flask.

So, with a pile that size,

it's a good job that
the X-type estate
has a bigger boot

than the BMW 3 series estate,
the Audi A4 estate, and the
Mercedes C class estate.

JEREMY: Underneath, the X-type
is actually a Ford Mondeo.

But don't let that
put you off.

Genetically, you are 98%
identical to a halibut.

But it's the 2% that makes
the difference.

And it's the same story in
here. You've got all this wood
and leather and equipment.

It feels very Jaguarish.

Prices start at a very
un-Jaguarish £21,000.

But for that,
you'd get a small engine

or a diesel, and
front-wheel drive.

This version, however, costs
£26,000, and that's 'cause
it has a 2.5L V6

and, more importantly,
four-wheel drive.

Now, we know that when the
weather's like this,
four-wheel drive works well

on big off-roaders with their
chunky tyres.

And we know that ordinary cars
don't work at all.

So, where does the Jag fit in?

The thing is, this is
an ordinary car,
with ordinary road tyres.

It just happens to have
four-wheel drive.

So, how does this one cope?

Well, the simple
answer is "very well".

It didn't get stuck once.
All day.

It laughed in
the face of the weatherman,

and the police, and the AA
with their advice
to stay at home.

And I'm not surprised by this.

Once, many, many,
many years ago,

I actually drove
an X-type saloon
down a ski slope.

And coming up now is
some footage of it.

The Jag may
have a very rudimentary
four-wheel drive system.

There are no
torque-sensing diffs
and no active yaw control.

It doesn't even have
particularly high ground
clearance. It's just a car.

But even so,
I made it down the mountain.

We know it works on snow and
ice, but better still,
it keeps on working

on roads like this,
roads that have been gritted.

If I were to drive down
here in a BMW 3 series estate
with rear-wheel drive,

I'd need a nappy.
But in this, I feel relaxed.

There are none of those
heart-stopping moments where
the wheels hit the slush.

You know, when it all suddenly
goes twitchy. It doesn't.
Just tracks straight and true.

Honestly, I could be driving
along this road at nearly
60 miles an hour,

doing a little light
embroidery to pass the time.

In the advertisements for this
car, Jaguar suggests it would
be an ideal tool

for your
family skiing holiday.

But if you have one of these,
you don't need to go
to the Alps.

Eat your heart out,
Val d'Isere, and welcome
to Val de Chipping Norton.

This is the best ski-lift
I've ever been on.

Morning! You well?

You well?
I'm having a good day.

And this is the great thing,
you see, is I can adjust the
speed of my lift by

shouting at the driver.

Faster!

Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh yes!

Okay, that'll do, thank you.
Nice speed.

Okay, and stop.

J'arrive at the top.

Now. Ski back down again.

No poles, but hey!

I need a bit more gravity.

Very topical, Jeremy, snow in
summer. Thanks for that, yeah.

But what's the car like when
it's not a winter wonderland?

Uh, it's very good, actually.
I mean, you can have that 2.5
litre V6 with four-wheel drive

for 'round about £23,000. And
I think that kind of makes it
the best car in the class.

It's good value.

And are we gonna thump it
round the track now?

No, we're not, because the
other week, we had the
Mercedes CL65 here,

the world's most powerful
production car,

and we have had literally some
emails from viewers saying,

"You never gave it to the
Stig! We never saw how fast it
would go around the track!"

So this being the new, fresh,
shiny, caring, sharing BBC,
we got it back,

and we're gonna find out.

Okay, 738 ft-lbs of torque,
will it make the world
move backwards?

No, it's managed to move
forwards and the world's okay.

That's marvellous. Now, of
course, he's got all the
power in the world

but how is it gonna be
in the corners where it's
just a Mercedes.

Ooh!

The Stig's really having
to fight that one.

Here he goes into Chicago,
lot of understeer
on the way in,

and I bet he has some,
yes, there it is, there's the
oversteer on the way out.

Is he still there?

Here he goes, it explodes,
it's just an atomic power
station going down

into the Hammerhead.

Once again, it becomes
a Mercedes, a big, soft,
squidgy executive car.

He's really wrestling
it there!

This is where it's really
gonna pick up speed, though.
Through the follow-through.

It's flat out
all the way down,

now we know that
in a straight line,

this is much quicker
than the Bentley Continental,

much quicker than the
Aston Martin DB9, so he's
got all the power in the world

there, he's hard on the brakes
in that...

That's a beautiful piece
of car control from the Stig.

Round the last corner,
just about holding
it together.

And across the line!

Well, what do you reckon?

Uh, no idea.
It looked pretty quick.

It should be quick.

It should be quick. The Stig
said he was stunned at how
fast it was.

He was also stunned at how
bad it was through
the corners.

-Really?
-He really did not like
this thing in the corners.

Well, come on, then!

He did it in one minute,
29 seconds!

It's right down there.

JEREMY: That's almost
exactly average.

RICHARD: It is.

Yeah. Mind you, we should
explain, if Alistair Darling
is watching,

it was running on
free range petrol.

If he's not, it was run on
normal super unleaded.

Ah, next week,
we're very eco-friendly.

Yep, six litre
Corvette for me.

Absolutely, that'll be
terrific. And so we'll see you
then. Thank you very much.

-Good night!
-Good night.