Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Hammond Invents People Carrier Racing - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show,

James celebrates 50 years
of the Mercedes's Gullwing.

A Broken Arrow star
in our reasonably-priced car,

and I tackle the world's
most formidable racetrack,
in a diesel.

Hello!
Now, in the last series,

we did this item
where we all had to go off

and choose
our favourite British car.

Now, Hammond made
a bit of a fool of himself

and chose a Morgan.

And now, he's going to
make a fool of himself

all over again.



HAMMOND:
This car costs £72,000,

but just 11 will be made

and that
makes it rather special.

Now, I know
you're thinking, "Special?"

Now I should think so,
looking like that.

Like it's going to be
crashed at the front.

It looks like
another timepiece from
Memory Lane Motors.

HAMMOND: You get
the impression it's been
designed by some old bloke

Morgan keep locked
in a shed, hidden away
from the outside world,

still believing
it's the 1940s.

Every now and again
they'd fire
a Spitfire overhead.

Forget Pininfarina,

this is styling by Godfrey
and Captain Mainwaring.

Look at that!
A side-hinged bonnet.



I should be doing this
in black and white

with Brylcreem in my hair.

Okay, so it may not
have the same

sophisticated look
as a Ferrari,

but I'll tell you
what it has got,
big boots.

It's called the Aero 8 GTN

and it was inspired
by Morgan's Le Mans racer.

It has 330 brake horsepower
and it weighs just one tonne.

Which means, maths fans,
330 brake horsepower
per tonne.

That's not just more
than a Ferrari 360,

it's more than a 575,
more than a Porsche 911 GT3.

Make no mistake,
this car is seriously quick.

It's got a 4.6-litre BMW V8.

Nought to 60
in 4.3 seconds.

But even those figures
don't do it justice.
It's a rocket ship!

And whereas normal Morgans

have the look of
the Devon country lane
about them,

this one is full of menace,
with black OZ wheels,

side exhaust
and semi-slick tyres.

There's a good reason
for all this testosterone.

Morgan need to sell
more cars in America.

And so the Aero 8 is
about to get bigger, wider,

softer and comfier.

So think of this
as a big, bruising bulldog

having a last
hump of your leg

before the Americans
neuter it.

So far, so good, then.

But by now you must be
thinking there's a catch.

You might assume
that the GTN

won't be able to
go round corners without
dislocating its hip.

But you'd be wrong.
Very wrong.

It is fabulous.

Make no mistake,
this Morgan handles
like a proper sports car.

And there's a good
reason for that.

Because under this Last of
the Summer Wine bodywork,

there's a modern car.

It's got a light-weight
aluminium space frame chassis,

just like the one
on the new Jaguar XJ,

and they designed it
with a computer.

It wasn't one of those
with big tape reels
on the front, either.

It's got other
modern materials, too.

The roof is made from
light-weight carbon fibre,
no less.

So what we've got
is a thoroughly modern car
dressed in a demob suit.

It's like those films
they made in the 1920s

about what
life would be like
in the future.

They got all the ideas right,
the world would be full of
aeroplanes and robots.

But the aeroplanes
were all biplanes

and the robots were
just, well, rubbish.

It all still looked
like the 1920s.

But I don't care,
'cause I love this car.

It's all about sensations
and the feel of it.

This wood is real wood,
and all the metal
is real metal.

Flash Gordon enjoyed
engineering like this.

But the best sensation
of all is the noise.

Yes!

The noise, I will be
hearing this for days

and smiling about it.

The sound is
so old-school.

And the steering wheel,
upfront in your chest.

But at the same time,
that modern chassis is
coping with all that power.

This is absolutely fabulous.

It's a wolf
in codger's clothing
with the bark of a Spitfire.

It turns you into
a bit of a rotter!

I am Mr Toad
with an AK47.

The thing is,
though, it looks like
it was designed

by someone
in a shaving mirror.

On the concave side.

I'm just wondering,
you can see it's cross-eyed.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I wonder if we look at it
like it's looking at us,

if it would it improve it?

All right, hang on.

What do you think?

-No, it's twice as horrible.
-It is twice... It is.

Just the pair
of you, leave it,
you're wrong, okay.

Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder.

Um, I mean, your mother
probably thinks you're
reasonable to look at.

-Stop doing that, James.
-If I could just adjudicate.

I think the problem is
this is a Marmite car.

-You love it.
-I do.

It makes us go...

Well, you're just wrong.
I'm sorry.

I'd rather spend £72,000
on a dose of diphtheria.

Look, you will
change your tune

when you see
what it can do on the track.

Now you go away,

and we'll put this into
the hands of Stiglas Bader.

HAMMOND: And away he goes!
Listen to that sound.

Honestly I'd never
get bored of that.

We're down to the first corner
coming up now. Let's see.

Oh! It looks flat
and controlled. There is...

There's a little bit of
over-steer on the way out.
Very nice. Very controlled.

Okay,
down towards Chicago.
Let's see.

There is a bit more
roll in there,

but the Stig is definitely
keeping it all in shape.

Now towards the Hammerhead.
What will happen there?

Will it under-steer finally?

Not really,
just the tail out
all the way.

If you could see
through his visor,

I think the Stig would be
smiling at this point.

Now remember,
the Morgan is on
semi-slick tyres,

if it was as wet
as when I drove it out there,
I think it'd be in trouble.

But it is flying
on this dry track.

Look at that!

I think it might've hit
the tyre wall, actually.
No. Here we go.

The penultimate corner.
We're through, up towards
Gambon, side...

Very sideways.

-Backwards, in fact!

And the time was...
Ready?

1:25.9.

That is pretty quick.

For the 1940s.

Hey, get off.
That's quick anyway!

Look, that puts it
up here.

So, that's just behind
the Lamborghini,

it's faster than
a Mitsubishi Evo 8,

a Ferrari 575,
an Aston Martin Vanquish!

That is a very fast car.

It's almost as fast as some
of these modern cars...

Get off! Leave it alone,
it's a fast car
in its own right.

Uh, right. News.

Yes, right.
Now, European Car of the Year
has been revealed.

-Oh, good.
-Ready?

-Yes.
-This is 57 independent
motoring journalists,

who every year name
the European Car of the Year

-and every year
get it wrong.
-Wrong! Completely.

They do.
Every single year.

I've got a list here of
previous winners, or some
examples of them, at least.

Citroen XM.

In 1990, they decided that
was best new car launched.

Ignoring the fact
that the electrics
didn't work. Ever.

And that while you were
signing your name
on the order form,

it was disintegrating
out the back.

So this year,
they've gone for?

-The Toyota Prius.
-There you go. You see?

-Perfect!
-Have you seen
the Toyota Prius?

-HAMMOND: Hmm.
-Look at it. This is a car
with two engines.

HAMMOND:
Both of them minutely small.

Yeah, and neither engine
is big enough.

It's hideously ugly,
it's kind of supposed
to be green.

Actually,
I might drive that
up the mountain.

I could drive that
up the mountain.

That would give
environmentalists
something to think about.

"That's good."
"No, it isn't good."

"It's bad.
It's quite good."

If you drove it the way
you drove the Discovery,
it might heal the mountain

as it went past,
make it better.

That's a horrid car, that.

We're actually reviewing that
in a couple of weeks' time.

And you will
find out that it is my
Car of the Year, too.

But for
very different reasons.

In this series so far,
we've already shown

that a child on a skateboard
can't beat a car.

And that caravans
are best used as conkers.

Now I think it's time
for Top Gear to
revolutionise motorsport.

And we start, oddly enough,
with the Renault Espace,

one of the least
sporty cars ever made.

But it was
one of the most important.

Like the Ford Model T,

the Espace was one of
the great seismic shifts
in the history of the car.

Today, people carriers
sell in their millions.

And they're slowly
killing off the hatch back
and the saloon.

And in Europe, it all began
20 years ago with this car.

The upholstery
may have been ugly,
the car may have been ugly,

but its lack of
boot and bonnet
and its flexible seating

was a complete revolution.

And you can tell
this car was a revolution.

Because when it hit
the showrooms in 1984,

no one got it.

At first,
Renault were confident.

In fact, one of the creators
called the Espace
"the silk underpants car",

because he believed
it would make everyone
involved rich enough

to afford
posh undercrackers.

But when early sales figures
came in, their underpants
were, in fact, brown.

Because in its first month,
the Espace racked up
worldwide sales

of nine.

That's it. Nine.

But the rest is history.

And today the world
is full of people carriers.

And this car is an icon.

So how do we celebrate it?

Well, you can't say a car
has ever really arrived

until it gets its own
classic racing series.

There's the historic
Ferrari Maserati Championship,

and Aston Martin's got one,
and Jaguar, they all do them.

And so we come
to the inaugural historic

People Carrier Racing
Championship, um, race.

We think this sport
has great promise.

It'll be cheap,
exciting, and it's open
to minicabbers and dads.

Just look at the line-up.

It should also be
a good laugh,

especially when you see
what's taking part.

As well as two Espaces,
we've got the
Toyota Space Cruiser,

a car once described
by consumer experts
as "highly unstable".

The Mitsubishi Space Wagon,

the lowest car here,
and that's got to be
good for handling.

And then we come to this,
the Toyota Previa.

Now this one has an ace
up its sleeve, because...

It's mid-engined.

Just like a Ferrari.

And finally,
the Nissan Serena,

for many years Britain's
slowest-accelerating car,

with a naught-to-60 time
of 28 agonising seconds.

All of them picked up
for a few hundred quid apiece.

Now, we really do want
to put this race series
on the map.

And to show we're not
messing about, we've got
some serious driving talent.

Tim Harvey, former British
touring car champion.

Matt Neal, former independent
British touring car champion.

Anthony Reid,
reigning independent
touring car champion,

and Race Of Champions
champion.

Rob Huff, Seat Cupra
Championship champion.

And Tom Chilton,
who one day probably
will be a champion.

Champion!

HAMMOND:
This is very, very exciting!

I'm with some of the country's
top racing drivers.

HAMMOND: I was
in Silver Espace number 1.

But Rob Huff in
the Diesel Serena went for
my jugular right from the off!

Oh...
Really a pretty brutal start!

The racing rules
were simple, 15 laps
and no body contact.

But touring car drivers
always forget that last bit.

Obviously, you do get
a bit of lean
in people-carrier racing.

As I go into the top turn,
a bit of a four-wheel drift.

I am getting under-steer,
if I'm honest.

I'm being leant on heavily
by the Toyota!

The Serena now
just a great big lump!

It's like somebody's
left a barn on the track!

How am I gonna get round
that thing?

Like that!

Pretty soon,
both Espaces were
fighting for the lead.

I'm trying for third gear
and that's cost me...

Ooh! That's cost me
two places, that mistake!

And Matt Neil's
Space Cruiser was more
like a Space Hopper!

I'm using the turn
to steer the Espace,

countering my terrible
under-steer problems!

This is not, obviously,
a usual way to drive

an otherwise suitable
family vehicle!
Whoa, this is big!

HAMMOND: Yes!

That's two of them gone!

By now, it has to be said,
there was a smattering
of body contact.

HAMMOND: Yes! He's...

But you always get
teething problems

in the early days
of any historic race series.

Oh... Come on!

Right. I'll have him
for that. Here we go!

My Espace made mincemeat
of Tim Harvey's Space Wagon
as we headed for the finish.

This is the best form
of racing ever devised!

Now, it's Espace on Espace!

We've stayed at the front.

It's second!
First and second
for the Espaces!

What a great victory!

What a great day!

Now, you see? They were
a multi-purpose vehicle.

And we tried pretty much
everything with these things.

Carrying families, dogs,
businesses use them.

But there was
one purpose we left
unexplored until now.

And I think we've started
something brilliant here.

Historic People Carrier Racing
could be the way forwards.

Not with this one, though.
Obviously, that's a bit spent.

-Well, that's good fun!

Yes.

Well, can I just ask?

Did yours have
the V6 engine?

Did you notice that?
My car was so much faster,

-it was a bit embarrassing.
-It was.

But I will say this,
there was more action
in that one race

than a whole year of
Formula One, I would say,
wouldn't you?

And it was
quite a lot cheaper.

But, look, I don't want to
get caught up because

I really do think
we are actually
on to something here

with Historic
People Carrier Racing.

Now I rang the BRDC,
that's the British Racing
Drivers Club,

and they said,
and I quote, "It's mega!"

-They love it.
-It is.

I've got it all worked out.
I'm gonna do the TV rights
and the tobacco sponsorship.

You get a pudding basin
haircut, marry someone
a lot taller than you are...

-I see where you're going.
-Yeah.

We'll be super rich,

and you will all have
a great racing series
to watch.

-Everybody wins!
-Right, now, we've got
to meet our guest.

He's a proper Hollywood star
this week. He really is.

Ah, he's been in
Austin Powers,
he's been in Broken Arrow,

but he's never been
in a Suzuki Liana!

Until now!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Christian Slater!

-Hello!
-Hello.

Hi there.
Good to see you.

Thank you.

Very nice.

Not bad, eh?
On Top Gear.

Wait until you see
my lap time, then...

Well, we'll kinda come
to that later.

I'm very grateful
you could come on.

My pleasure, really.

Ah, big honour for us to have
a proper Hollywood person.

-Oh, God, thank you!
-We can do the fawning.

Of course you're over here
on the stage, aren't you?

Yes, yes,
doing One Flew Over
The Cuckoo's Nest

here at the Gielgud Theatre.

That's the plug over with!
That's like, "They've got
that out of the way!"

Till January 22nd,
ladies and gentlemen.

-No, that's enough!
-There we are!

-That's enough.
-Oh, really? I should stop.
Okay.

The thing I wanna talk
about is this new film
you've got coming out,

which is not a plug,
it's just something
I'm fascinated by.

When is it?
Later this month, isn't it?

December 3rd.

December 3rd.

-What's it called?
-Churchill:
The Hollywood Years.

-See, this is fantastic!
-Yeah.

Because Hollywood
has a reputation really
for mangling history.

-Yes, yes.
-You would agree with that?

Ah, well, from what
I understand,

yeah, that they have
in certain circumstances
taken credit for

certain historical English
things that have happened...

-Quite a few, actually.
-Quite a few!

-All of them!
-Yes.

You saw U-571?

Yes, yes
a brilliant American story.

-A brilliant American...
-True patriotism!

It is true that the Americans
did capture an Enigma machine,

but the date was
June the 1st, 1944.

Six days before D-Day,

when the Germans
were giving them away
in car boot sale.

We got the difficult one
in about 1940!

Well, in this one,
in Churchill:
The Hollywood Years,

I play Winston Churchill.

So, that
right there is, uh...

You wind up trying to
prevent the British

joining in
with the Germans in this.

Yes, correct.

As Winston Churchill,
the American GI...

I come in.
I single-handedly steal
the enigma machine, myself,

and introduce it
to the English,

and basically
trying to help them
to win the war.

And you end up married to?

I end up having
a torrid romance with
Princess Elizabeth. Yes.

Who later becomes
Queen Elizabeth.

Now, I'm really...
'Cause Harry Enfield's
in it as well.

-Right, right.
-And Vick Reeves.

Actually,
Harry Enfield did...
He has a lap time.

-He's been here.
-Yeah, he's been here.

There we go!

That's not a desperately
hard target for you.

Okay.

Um, now, let's just...
I wanna stick with
Hollywood, if I may.

In Get Shorty, John Travolta
ends up hiring a Oldsmobile
Silhouette people.

-Minivan, yeah. Yeah.
-Minivan.

And in the film, basically
everybody ends up in the film
having one of these cars.

-Sure, sure, sure.
-Is that for real? Does that
actually happen there?

Um, I think in certain
circumstances, it does.

That movie was very cool.

I mean, I honestly,
after seeing that movie,

was highly interested
in a minivan
for a little while.

I thought it was
a really cool car,
and liked it a lot,

but I guess,
right now, the...

The trend seems
to be the Prius

or the Pry-us,
however you guys...

Oh, God!
DiCaprio's got one!

Yes, yes.
I mean, a lot of people
are driving the hybrid cars.

Cameron Diaz.

I'm on the waiting list
for the Lexus Hybrid.

-You know, that...
-What for?

I don't know.

Some sort of
an environmentally
conscious thing.

Oh, for crying out loud,
Christian!

My plan is to have maybe
the Lexus Hybrid,

so I feel
environmentally conscious.

And then,
I've got a '67 GTO

that I'm in the process
of purchasing.

So, I'll drive that on
the weekends and drive the...

So when you go on
an American chat show

and they say,
"What do you drive?"
You can say, "A hybrid."

-Yeah, exactly!
-And then drive home
in a big muscle car.

-Here, GTO. Yeah.
-Your big muscle car.

Exactly.

'Cause you have actually been
in a proper police chase,
haven't you?

Yes, yes, yes.
Back in '89, I...

I did go to a club,
had a couple too many,

and the cops
wanted to pull me over,
and I was like...

Well, it was also the year
that Batman had come out.

So...
I just sort of...

I had a delusion
that I was Batman
for a moment.

And just put the pedal
to the metal, and it wasn't
a very long chase.

It wasn't... It was kind of
sad and pathetic, but...

-They eventually...
-How did it end?

It ended, uh, happily.

We all hugged and embraced,
and they sent me on my way.

-That's usually how it goes,
isn't it? Yeah.

That's funny, though.
Because American policeman
don't embrace me

when they
catch me speeding.

-They don't, huh?
-They shout and scream
and pull guns out.

Well, the point is,
there's certain, you know...

In America,
there's a Policemen's Ball
you can go to.

There's a lot of ways
you can invest

and you make
charitable contributions,

so that when something
like that does occur,

they are much more gracious
and much more receptive.

I prefer to just
fly home, actually.

-Fly home, yeah.
-Sixteen speeding tickets
in Nevada.

All unpaid.
I've just come home.

-Oh, my God.

-That's fantastic.
-That's the way to go.

You've gotta pay this
within three days!"

Exactly! "See ya!"

Your car history's
quite interesting,
I have to say.

Because we've had...
There's been
a Nissan Pathfinder

-and a Volvo.
-Yeah.

Which would
set you up as
a bit of a bore, frankly.

Well, the Volvo was, uh,
really for covert purposes.

Uh, I mean,
nobody looks at a Volvo,
you know.

Well, that's true.

Volvo's are very subtle,
very kind of
inconspicuous vehicles.

Dull! So, why did you get
a Porsche Carrera, then?

'Cause I didn't want to be
inconspicuous any more.

I see. Have you seen
Hammond's new car?

-Ah, yes. I saw him posing
next to it. Yeah.
-His Challenger.

-What do you think of that?
-I think
it's a beautiful colour.

-It's a...

Um, I thought you don't
have SUVs over in America,
isn't it? They've been banned.

Well, yeah.
I mean, when you do
tend to have a family,

either you do get
a minivan or an SUV,
some kind of Escalade.

And we did go for the
Escalade for a little while.

-You've done the big Cadillac?
-Yeah, we've done
the big Cadillac,

and felt, you know,
started to feel very
guilty about that.

And so now,
we've let that go as well.

'Cause in America,
you've now got...
San Francisco,

haven't they just banned
SUVs from the central...

Think so. Yeah.

They were supposedly
are so heavy that they were
cracking the roads. Yeah.

2.7 tonnes
I think is the limit.

You're not allowed
to have one over...

But most pedestrians
weigh that much
in San Francisco.

"You'll set the
San Andreas Fault off!"

"Go on a diet."

"Don't eat cheese!"

Anyhow, how was it
out there on the track?

Uh, out there on the track,
first of all,
the Stig was genius.

I mean,
he was absolutely brilliant.
A great coach.

I had a few...
Few rough goes
around the first turn.

I think that was little rough.
But I enjoyed it.

Shall we have a look?

ALL: Yes.

-Okay. Let's play the tape.
It's sad, here we go.

CLARKSON: Ooh,
now you see that's
an impressive start.

-That's a good start.
-That's not a bad start.

CLARKSON: And that's
the first corner.

CHRISTIAN: Whoa!
Look at that!
Off the wheel!

It's too fast!

CHRISTIAN: And the car's
not going fast enough.

I was really frustrated
with that.

Yeah, you are
driving into these corners
really aggressively.

I'm really taking 'em,
aren't I?

How often do you get
to do something
like this, buddy?

Not often!

CLARKSON: We'll let you off
cutting that corner.

-Since you are on
the proper side of the car.
-Yeah.

Nice and easy. Casual.

I know where I'm going,
so it's all right.

CLARKSON: Look at this,
76 miles an hour,
going in there.

Did you lift off
through there?
Keep your foot on it?

CHRISTIAN:
I kept my foot on it.
Oh, yeah!

Zoom! Look at that! Wow.

CLARKSON: Now braking here.
We're at the
second to last corner.

Oh, back wheel
off the ground again!
That is not bad, actually.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, look at that.
Now we're goin'.

CLARKSON: And I like that
line through there.

The Michael Gambon line!
And they we are,
across the line!

Well done!

Thank you
for making me look good.

Well done!

To the Stig.

Now, then, where do you
think you've done?

Hopefully,
above Harry Enfield.
That was my...

Wait. Yeah, look,
you had the back wheel
off the ground.

That's pretty good, right?

You're a big Star Trek fan,
aren't you?

Well, where's Patrick?

Patrick Stewart
is there, at 1.50.

Whoa! He did really nice.

Well, he's used to
driving the Enterprise.

That's right,
he went warp speed!

Yeah, he got in there
and he said, "Make it so,"
and it all happened.

Yeah, exactly.
You, of course,
didn't have that.

Yeah. So, well, hopefully
somewhere between
Patrick Stewart

and Harry Enfield,
I'd walk away here
a happy man.

Well, you're going to
walk away a happy man
because you did it in

one minute, 51.4 seconds!

Which means...

You're there.

-I think
I'm right in saying...
-What's that?

I think I'm right in saying
you are therefore the fastest
American we've ever had.

-Hey, that's a good record!
-You are.

Wow.

You are, of course,
the only American
we've ever had.

-What have you got?
-You've got David Soul
up there...

David Soul,
he was useless!

Useless, was he? Oh, God!

And Lionel Richie, who is...

Where is Lionel Richie?
I called him Rich T 'cause
I couldn't spell his name.

Oh, no, wait. No, wait.
He's here 1.50.

You are not
the fastest American!

Oh, come on!
Lionel beat me?

You are slower than...

-# Hello!
-Yeah.

Nevertheless, it's been
a pleasure having you here.

-Ladies and gentleman,
Christian Slater.
-Thank you! Thank you.

Thank you so much.

This year marks
the 50th anniversary

of two very remarkable
engineering achievements.

-JAMES: This was one of them.

The Fender
Stratocaster guitar.

The instrument
that launched Jimi Hendrix

and changed
the face of rock and roll.

But I can't drive around
the countryside
on an old guitar.

Thankfully, however,
1954 also gave us this.

One of the most revered cars
the world has ever seen.

The Mercedes Benz
300SL Gullwing.

So, now we're going to try
and kill two birthdays
with one stone.

All the music you hear
in this film has been made
with a Stratocaster,

and unsurprisingly
not much of it is German.

See if you can spot
the one track that is.

JAMES: So, while the Americans
were creating a music legend,

the Germans, mercifully,
were concentrating on cars.

Only 1400 SLs were built.

And today, they fetch over
£200,000 a piece.

Now, why is that?

Why do car lovers
crawl across broken glass
to get one?

Well, one reason might be
that it has pedigree.

This car
re-established Mercedes
as the King of Road Racers,

as this softly-spoken
gentleman explains.

JAMES: But what
he didn't explain was that
Mercedes were broke.

So, the SL was based on the
engine, gearbox and suspension
of a plodding saloon car.

It used drum brakes
when others were
already using discs.

And the handling
was terrifying.

Lift off the throttle
in a fast bend

and the SL would just snap
and spin away out of control.

Absolutely no warning.

And this gave it something
of a reputation
as a widow maker.

So, if this car
was such a shocker,

well, that brings me back
to my original question.

Why is it so special?

I think I have the answer.

It was a first. That's what
all the fuss is about.

This car, I believe,
was the world's first
true super car.

Forget Ferrari, Lamborghini
and all that that stuff,
this is genesis.

Here comes my argument.
First, performance.

A supercar should always
push the outside
of the envelope,

and in 1954
this one definitely did.

It would do
150 miles per hour,

and that was at a time
when an average saloon car

would struggle
to crack half of that.

It was very light,
it was aerodynamic.

And with this three-litre
fuel-injected straight 6,

it was comfortably
the fastest road car
in the world.

The other requirement
of a supercar is
a truly terrifying price tag.

And in Britain, in 1955,
this car cost over £4,000.

Now, I know that doesn't
sound very much,

but back then £4,000
would have bought you
a very, very nice house.

And there's one other thing.

And this is absolutely vital
in a supercar.

All the greats had this,
like the Lamborghini Countach,
the Jaguar XJ 220.

And it is...

A really rubbish boot.
Oh, yes!

It'd be years before
Ferrari could offer that sort
of poor luggage space.

But above all,
a true supercar should look
like nothing else on Earth.

Now, because of the way
it was built,

the dorsals on the SL
were very high,

and yet the roof
was very low.

This meant
there wasn't much room
for the doors.

The solution came
from engineers
simply being practical,

but it gave this car the most
famous frontal silhouette
in motoring history.

Even today,
in the most
modern hyper cars,

you can see the DNA
of the SL lingering on.

The Gullwing
looked outrageous.

It cost a heartbreaking
amount of money.

It had a very poor boot,
and in its time,

nothing on the planet
at any rate, could get
even close to it.

And remember,
while all this was going on,

Ferrari was still
in short trousers.

Lamborghini badges
were still on tractors.

The supercar,
you saw it here first.

Okay, it's time now
for the Top Gear
Down to Earth Board.

An idea we introduced
last week

to provide
an island of sanity

in the usual Top Gear
world of testosterone
and tyre smoke.

We did small
cars last week.

And we said the two best
were the Toyota Yaris
and the Honda Jazz.

That was for people
with cardigans.

Now this week,
on the Down to Earth Board

it's cars for people
whose kids are
at private school.

Why not?

Obviously, you need to have
a lot of space for the stereo
and the trunks, and so on,

but the most
crucial thing is vital,

don't buy a flash car,
really, you know.

You're just going
to get bullied.

We've driven all of them
and we think two best,

Land Rover Discovery
and Subaru Legacy.

Spec B.

Now we've got one here
and it is actually
strictly speaking a rally car.

Because underneath,
it has the suspension and
the gear box from the Impreza,

it has a flat-6 engine,
a proper Subaru trademark,
and four-wheel drive.

Absolutely.
It is very good.

There's another
very good advantage to it

is there's room in the
back for a schoolboy.

-We can demonstrate that.

No problem at all.

The thing I really like
about these, though,

is that they're actually
superbly put together,
these cars.

They are.
Okay, listen to this.

Listen to the sound
the door makes. Ready?

Isn't that unbelievable?
Listen.

That is the exact noise
that a dead pheasant makes

when it hits the ground
after you've shot it.

-It does.
-I think it is.

I mean, I don't know
if that's the effect
that we're going for

when you did that.

But you're right, it is.

Point is, the car costs
about £27,500.

So you're gonna have to be
quite wealthy to buy one.

But nobody
will ever know it,
it's so discreet.

That's the whole point
to the car, really.

It is. It's one of
our very favourite cars
of the moment

but we must move on
and talk about this.

It's the Jaguar
S-type Diesel,

and it's getting
hugely good press.

Everyone is saying
that its twin turbo
2.7-litre engine

is a paragon of
refinement and quietness
and, of course, fuel economy.

None of which
matters to us.

What we're bothered about
is power and performance.

CLARKSON: This is the
Nurburgring in Germany.

The longest
and most terrifying
racetrack in the world.

It twists and turns
for 13 miles through
the Eifel mountains.

It's so vast
that entire villages
nestle in its midst.

The Top Gear test track
has eight corners.

Silverstone, which is
a big Grand Prix circuit,
has 12 corners.

The Nurburgring
has 147 corners.

Over the years,
this track has claimed
more than 200 lives.

Despite this, though,
anyone can drive round it.

You roll up with your own
car or bike, pay 14 Euros,
and off you go.

How many laps
do you do a year?

-Around 1,000.
-A thousand laps.

Yeah.
I come here every day.

'Cause it's like a disease.
It's like a disease
that won't go away.

You want to come back here
and drive it, like,
every weekend, every day.

-Even though you smashed
your car to pieces?
-Yep.

So how long do you think
it would take me to
learn my way around here?

-Fifty laps roughly,
to know which way it goes.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

And the rest of your life
to actually learn it.

CLARKSON: This chap
who is disabled and drove
with hand controls

offered to show me round.

Your car's too slow, man!

If you really know the track
and you're a professional
racing driver,

and you have a Ferrari Enzo,

you can get round here
in around eight minutes.

Now, what I'm going to try
and do is get the Jag Diesel
'round in 10 minutes.

Doesn't sound like much,
but I do have
several problems.

Only one of which is
the Aga under the bonnet.

Um, I don't know my way
round this track at all.
It's a complete mystery.

It rained last night,
so it's very slippery
out there.

Um, and I'm afraid
I was out last night
with Johnny Vegas.

So, I'm not feeling
all that fresh.

To help me get my diesel
around this place

I have a teacher,
Sabine Schmitz.

She was born
in the village of Nurburg

and knows the track
better than anyone
else alive today.

I'm so nervous.

I have no idea
where this track goes.

At the moment
it's quite easy.

Okay.
And now accelerate,
accelerate.

-Accelerate. Accelerate!
-There's a corner.

It's not really a corner.

It's a huge corner!

How many times have you
been round this track?

-15,000 laps, maybe. Yeah.
-You're kidding.

-There is a Golf coming.
-I know.
I'm going to let him go.

SABINE: Turn in now.
Perfect.

-And you were how old when
you first came around here?
-What?

-You were how old
when you first came round?
-Three years, maybe.

-You were three?
-Yeah.

Now what?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Now, I'm braking.

-Straight.
- God.

Very good.
Now stay left. Turn in.

Ooh!

Turn that bloody
traction control off.
Can you turn it off?

No. Really?

He's two metres...
Here's a cow.

-For God's sake, woman!
-Turn in!

Stay left, left, left.
What's that?

I told you stay left.

I was ignoring you.
I'm a man.

SABINE: I think
it will be hard work
to get you under 10 minutes.

You don't think
I can do 10 minutes?
This is my first lap.

SABINE: It will take years.
Don't brake so much!

Is this the carousel?

Yeah.
Now the carousel
is coming.

Turn in more later. Oh!

Your driving style
is really funny.

-Why? Tell me what to do.
-It's very different.

SABINE: Turn, and turn.
No, don't... Don't brake!

A girl overtook you.
Did you see that?

Yeah,
I'm not feeling proud.

Finally, we came to
the scaffold bridge which
is the finishing line.

Okay, how quick was that,
do you reckon?

-Fifteen.
-Oh, come on!

-Yeah.
-And I have to average
78 miles an hour. Average.

Average 78.

Which is...
I'm not entirely certain
that's doable.

Doable or not, it was time
for my first solo flight

and just to fill me
with a little more confidence,

a timely reminder
that I was tackling a killer.

Here we go.
Look. Ambulance.

-Can I have his spleen?
-Yes.

Right, coming up
to the start.

And ready, steady, go.

My reporting skills
immediately went to pieces.

Everything was just a blur.

I'd love to be able
to give you some
decent commentary here

about what's going on
but I just don't know.

I've got a bike
up my jacksie.

That... Whoa!
God, that back keeps
kicking out under braking.

I feel a bit sick.

Oh, my God!

I've got to average 78.
I haven't even reached
78 at this point.

I don't know where I am.
I don't know what's happening.

The track
all looks the same.
You never have any idea

what's coming up next
and what speed
you should be going.

When will it end?

-God! That's it.

My time's up, it's beeping
away now to tell me that
I've done the 10 minutes.

Sixteen seconds over.
Eighteen seconds.

Twenty seconds.

Coming up to
the bridge again.

Coming out,
ready to stop it.

-And...

10:26.

Absolutely everybody here
was faster than me.

SABINE: Yes,
that's true.

Do you think I'm going to
be able get round
in 10 minutes?

No.

Don't sugar-coat it like that.
Tell me straight.

You're not
100% talent-free
but 80%!

80% talent-free. Right.

Oh!
That's the wrong gear.

And I don't know
where I am. God!

-Exactly.

He's coming!

CLARKSON: My second lap
was even slower

but I had a pretty good excuse
all lined up for teacher.

-It was a nightmare.
-Nightmare?

-There was this tiger.
-Yeah?

And it leapt out
and it was going for
these schoolchildren.

-So I had to stop.

I had to save
the school children's life.

Of course,
you're probably thinking
the slowness is all my fault

but, actually,
it was the car's.

You see,
diesels just don't
work on racetracks.

206 brake horsepower

and all of it comes,
of course being a diesel,
in a great big lump.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.
206 horsepower.
Time for a gear change.

All gone.
You're just always
on the red line.

It's just constantly
only revs up to 4,500.

Half expecting
in a minute to be
overtaken by my mother.

Been overtaken
by everybody else.

Brakes very good
for pulling up

outside a butcher's shop
to buy a nice pork chop.

Not so good when
you're hammering
into Ex-Muhle

at 120 miles an hour.

There we go,
there's the beep.

Eight seconds over.
Here comes the bridge.

19, 20.

I'm faster.
I'm six seconds faster.

Well, if I can keep
doing that at this rate

by about, oh, February
I'll have this cracked.

Uh, on that occasion,
it was amazing, there was
a whole elephant.

They were out hunting
for, you know...

But although the lap times
were going in the right
direction, my luck wasn't.

Oh, God! Cocky!

I'm going to
overtake one of the
home motorcyclists here.

I said,
"Get out the way,
sonny boy."

God, this is quick!

It is very quick now!

120!

But then, as I was
coming up to the famous
Adenau Bridge...

Whoa! We've got
an accident.

He's gone in.

Oh, God,
it's the disabled guy
in the Z3.

I hope he's okay.

He was, but I wasn't.
I just couldn't hook up
one good lap,

and it turned out
I wasn't alone.

I learnt it
on a computer game.
On the Xbox.

What it didn't realise
was the gradients, the bumps,

the bits where you're
getting the bars shaking

'cause you think
you're in a perfect
straight bit of road,

you wind it on
and it's like, "Oh, my God."

"Wasn't like that
in the game!"

'Cause I've brought a diesel
to try and get round
in 10 minutes.

As the sun was setting
on the final lap
of the day, though,

it looked like I'd make it.

This was a hot one.

This is the trouble.

You start to get cocky,
you start to think
you might know it.

Get out of the way, bikes!

Get a car
and some proper clothes,
for God's sake!

I'm a man on a mission here.

But the trouble was,
that after just one day,

I didn't know it at all.

I'm off the road!
I'm off the bloody road.

Whoa! Yes,
but I'm back on again.

Oh, God, look at this Golf.
Look at the state
of this Golf.

I think there's a guy
who lives here.

'Cause that was quick
through there. 110 miles
an hour through that bit.

Despite the off,
despite being
overtaken by a Golf,

I was still on
for a good time.

But then disaster.

It's gone!

I've got no power,
I've got no drive.

Restricted performance.

I've got an
engine management problem.

I really, really thought
I was going to crack it
on this lap.

Why have you broken down?
Why won't you work?

I don't want
to sound like I'm
making excuses here,

but I didn't have
the best of luck
this afternoon.

'Cause on a couple of times
when I think I could have
broken the 10-minute barrier,

someone had crashed,
the yellow flags,
had to slow down.

Then there was the time,
I admit it was my fault
of changing to second gear

at about 110 miles an hour
and that's why
the engine went, "Ooh!"

And flicked into
"Safety, get you home" mode.

But I've got to do it.
I've got to prove to Sabine
that I can do this.

So, I'm no more of that.

Get thee behind me,
juice of Johann Vegas.

I'm going to study my map,
I'm going to
get an early night,

and a very, very
early start tomorrow.

And I'll be ready.

Unfortunately,
in the morning,
the weather was terrible.

I decided to go out anyway
and see what I could learn,
but all I learned was

when it's wet,
avoid the kerbs.

Soon, though, it dried out,
and I began once again
to pick up speed.

Brake. Turn it,
clip the apex.
Let it run wide.

I was feeling pretty good
and felt sure that

Sabine would be pleased
with my progress as well.

He looks a little bit lazy
behind the steering wheel.

Turn in late.
Ah! Too soon.

Oh, damn and blast!

Like he can do everything,

he's the best driver
the world has ever seen.

The Michael Schumacher
from Britain maybe.

But I think he isn't.

CLARKSON: Listen, love,
Michael Schumacher
doesn't use a diesel.

Whereas I am using a diesel
and time is running out.

So I've got to forget about
being on the telly.
And go for it.

Start the clock.

This really is,
I suppose, a bit like golf.

Play it once and
your destined to spend
the rest of your life

fruitlessly
chasing perfection.

It's a disease I shall
call ringworm, and I have it
very, very badly.

Out the way,
I'm much quicker
than you now.

Hope that didn't
cost too much time.

Oh, missed it.

I'm sure
this corner's flat out.

And, this is it.
Brake, and then
brake after the hill.

Done it.

Whoa! God!

With 10 miles gone,
there'd been no breakdowns,
no accidents,

so maybe, just maybe...

Here we go. Whoa!
Losing the back a bit.

Coming up to where
Lauda lost his ears.

I don't wanna lose mine.

I've never felt
more alive than I am now.

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oops. Bit of dust there.

First lap, I remember,
the beeper was going here,
and the mini-carousel.

As it is
I've got 30 seconds left,

probably another,
I don't know,
six corners to go.

None of which I can remember
from 120 miles an hour.

Come on, come on!

No, there's the end!
There's the end!
Nine, eight...

Seven, six, five, four,
three, two, one.

I've done it!
I've done it! A 9.59!

Yes! Yes!

I did it!

I did a 9.59!

Where is Sabine?

Thank you very much.

All right, all right,
that was pretty impressive,

but some of it
is down to this car.

-Two, three percent,
down to the car, perhaps.
-No.

No, no, no.

But I know what you mean
about driving a diesel.

'Cause I've always thought
it was a bit like,

you know those
little children's
glockenspiels you get?

-Yeah.
-With about five notes on.

You start playing
one of those and think,

"Hey, I've got
a good tune going here."

And you run out of notes.

That's a very good metaphor.
That's exactly what
does happen to you.

Because you got...
All that power comes and
then you're on the red line,

you have to change gear
and there's no power.

It's an extraordinary thing.

But I will say
having taken this car round,

if you're going to
buy a diesel,

it has to be one of these.

It really is very good.

Yeah, um, can I just
get back to something here,
your time?

I knew it.
I knew this was coming.

I don't know
if it's just me... Hang on.

But 9 minutes
and 59 seconds.

-It's a bit Hollywood,
mate. Come on.
-It was a bit Hollywood.

The director said,
"Oh, yeah," and said,
"I don't believe you."

And he checked the time code
on the camera inside which
doesn't lie. You can't...

Nine minutes, 59.

So it was all fair
and square. Amazing.

Nine minutes, 59.

Very good.
But that's not really as fast
as that car can go.

No, no. Nobody could get
more out of it than I did.

-I'm not entirely sure! Well?
-Possible.

Who wants to see
the real end to that film?

Sadly there isn't time
to see the real ending.

-It's the end of the show now.
-Trust me, Jeremy.

-We really must be off.
-We've checked. There is time.

Have a look at this.

Nine minutes, 59 seconds.

That means
you did the lap in...

-Nine, 59!
-Nine, 59.

Nine, 59 is
under 10 minutes!

I tell you something,
I do that lap time in a van.

I'll show you
what's a really
fast lap is. Okay?

Stop!

And sadly,
that's all we have time for.

Shut up, Jeremy,
it isn't. Now...

That looked pretty fast,
did it not?

You did it in 9.59.
How fast did she do it?

Bear in mind this is
her first lap in the car,
strange car to her.

Nine minutes, something.

No, come on.
Who wants to know
how fast she did it?

-ALL: Yeah!
-I'll tell you.

Nine, 59 for you.
She did it
nine minutes, 12 seconds.

I'm sorry, you're rubbish!
You are! You're rubbish.

Okay.

You're right, I was rubbish.

-Yeah.
-She was so good, though,

-we're thinking of
giving her your job.

-And on that bombshell,
we now have to end.
-All right.

We're not here next week
because some men
are playing snooker.

But we will be back
the week after that.
See you then. Good night!