Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Can You Run a Car on Poo? - full transcript
Jeremy tests the Nissan Cube, one of the most popular cars in Japan. Richard tests the new Cadillac CTS. James tests the Jaguar XJS which is being updated and modernized (the original XJS was poorly built). Richard investigates wh...
CLARKSON:
On today's programme...
Can you run a car on a poo?
Have the Americans
made something which can
go round corners?
And the new Jaguar XJS,
is it any good?
Hello. Now, there are
lots of different types of car
made all over the world
which aren't offered for sale
in Britain.
So tonight, we thought
it would be a good idea
to have a bit of
a snout around to see
if any of them are any good.
This funny-looking
little thing
is the Nissan Cube
and it's the best-selling car
in Japan.
The trouble is that stuff
which goes down well in Japan
won't necessarily
work here in Britain.
I mean,
there are vending machines
on the streets of Tokyo
where you can
buy dirty knickers.
I think the first
of many problems
this car might have
if it were to come over here
is the way it looks.
You see, a Ferrari
is aggressive and beautiful.
So it covers
the two most important bases
in car design,
sex and violence.
Doesn't matter whether
it's a Ferrari or a Ford,
that's what we want,
something which excites
the ancient part
of our brain,
something that
makes us a little bit
frightened.
This isn't frightening at all.
And that's because
it's as square as Sophie Ellis-Bextor's head.
The square simply isn't
a frightening shape.
Square is not
a frightening concept.
A house. Square, not scary.
Cheese. Square, not scary.
And then there's this place.
Tunbridge Wells.
The Cube seemed to
fit right in here
with its mild blue rinse
and its chocolate-box,
cuckoo-clock looks.
There is one thing to be said
for the Cube's styling.
If you don't like it
from this side,
you perhaps think
this pillar's a bit thick
and heavy
and you don't
like these, uh, vents,
simply look at it
from the other side
where we find a window
instead of a pillar
and no vents at all.
This is the first car
I've ever come across
that's different on one side
than the other.
Apart from the Rover 800,
of course,
though that was
different by accident.
They just didn't
build it properly.
So, what about power?
Well, underneath
the lopsided body,
it's actually a Nissan Micra.
That means you get
a not-at-all scary
1.4-litre engine
which results in a relaxing
0-60 time of 13 seconds
and a soothing top speed
of 103.
Actually, I'm lying.
It isn't soothing at all.
It's very noisy,
and it's got
the worst automatic gearbox
ever in the whole world.
Every time it changes down,
it's like you've been
hit up the back
by an articulated lorry.
And it's got an overdrive!
I haven't seen one of those
for 40 years!
Welcome back to the '70s
with the smooth sound
of the Nissan Cube.
You can have the Cube
with a CVT gearbox,
but that's not really
to be recommended.
No, there's a corner!
And that brings me onto
the second worst thing
about the driving experience.
Turn the wheel
and you have no sense
that it's actually
connected to the tyres
in any way.
As a car, then, as a machine
for stirring your soul
and titivating
your primeval instincts,
the Cube is
absolutely hopeless.
But as a tool,
well, that's a
slightly different story.
It is very cheap.
The price for the base model
is just £8,500,
which isn't bad
when you bear in mind
that it comes
with air conditioning,
and power steering,
and a stereo.
And a lot of space.
For such a small car,
it really does have
an enormous boot.
And you can make it
bigger still by pulling
the rear seat forwards,
or by folding it
away altogether.
In the front,
there are so many cubbyholes,
it's difficult to know
how you might fill them all.
I mean, you've got
a glove box here, obviously,
and then,
another glove box here
for the other glove.
Then there's
a sort of slot here
and pockets in the doors.
And then, if we pull
the bench seat down,
we find a slot here
for my char-grilled chicken
with chestnut and sage sauce.
Uh, underneath that,
we've got another one
for, um...
Tinned salmon and scissors.
Drinks? No problem.
Cup holder here.
Another one here
and two more down here.
They really have
thought of everything.
I mean, when you put the key
in the ignition, for instance,
it beeps to tell you
you've just done that!
And then,
when you put it into reverse,
there's a new beep to say
you've just put it in reverse.
And then,
when you turn the engine off,
another beep!
Isn't that marvellous?
There is one thing missing,
however.
You get no beep or buzzer
to remind you
as you drive along
that you look
like a complete berk.
All you really need to know
about this car
is that if you've got
a black and white cat
and your name's Pat,
it is available in red.
So, is that really
the best-selling car in Japan?
Yep, a nation of postmen,
I think.
Yeah, it would seem so.
But if you were
a postman over here,
and you want one,
you could presumably
import one?
Absolutely. There's a company
that will bring one over.
Cost you, here,
would cost you
after the shipping costs
and tax and so on,
between £11,000 and 12,000.
Or you can have one
with an electric motor
in the back
to make it four-wheel drive.
Why? What are you
gonna to do with that?
You couldn't
take it shooting, really,
'cause the pheasants
would just die laughing.
-Well, that might be
a good thing.
So, if you did bring one over,
um, you're gonna have to
get it serviced
-and all that sort of stuff.
-Yeah.
So is that going
to be possible?
It is, actually. I rang up
a Nissan dealer this week
to find out whether
they could actually do this,
and they said,
probably not
the four-wheel drive one,
but the guy said,
"Ooh, a Cube.
"Hmm, never had one of those,
but I'll give it a go."
-That's sporting!
-So I said,
"Can you do my daughter's
eye operation?"
"Yeah, I'll give that a go
as well, why not."
And now, the news.
And we begin this week
with a gentle reminder
about the Top Gear
Motoring Survey, 2004.
The biggest survey of its kind
in the world.
If you own a car
registered between 2000
on a Y plate
and 2003 on a 52 plate,
we want to hear from you.
We want to know
all about your car.
Is it reliable?
Is your dealer polite?
Or maybe you've bought
a Mercedes Benz A-class.
You can use your experience
to help others.
And also, you'll be making
a very valuable contribution
to this programme,
because we'll be bringing you
the results of all this
in the autumn. Log on.
Click on the survey button
and you're off.
Right, good.
Help us out with that.
Uh, rest of the news.
And big one this week,
the Fiat Barchetta.
Marvellous little car.
Wonderful thing.
Little Italian soft top.
Went out of production
for a while.
Stopped selling it in Britain.
It's back!
MAY: Hooray!
HAMMOND: Hooray!
We've got a picture
of the new one here.
MAY: Is it different?
Nope. The only thing
they've done with it
while it was not being made
is drop the price.
It's now £11,995,
which is extremely good value
for a car like that.
-That's very good.
-Can I just say...
-What?
It is good value,
but I had one of those.
Loved it.
I paid £11,500 for it.
They were more expensive then.
And a year later,
I was struggling
to sell it for £4,000.
Ooh!
Ouch!
They will lose a lot of money.
I'm enjoying that, actually.
-Yeah.
-I'm enjoying that moment.
Not only that,
the insurance cost a fortune
'cause it's left-hand drive.
I'm just wanting...
-It's still only
left-hand drive.
-It is still only left-hand...
I'm just wanting to say
be careful.
It might look cheap,
but you will lose money on it.
Anyway, you probably thought
the Lamborghini Murcielago
couldn't get any more flashy.
-No? Well, it can.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Here is the Lamborghini
Murcielago convertible.
-CLARKSON: Ooh!
Gentlemen of the adult
entertainment business,
your car has arrived, I think.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.
Dirk Diggler would have
one of those, wouldn't he?
With leopard-skin seats.
The interesting thing is,
though, that Lambos
have always been
very, very vulgar.
But I was reading
a piece last week
by the editor of
Tatlermagazine
in The Observer.
-Authorities.
-Yes, absolutely.
It says that
vulgarity is now in.
-So you... Finally!
-I've been ahead of the wave.
-It's your time! It's here!
-It's my time!
'Cause I put electric gates in
at my house the other day.
I thought,
"That is disgusting."
Not the other day.
He's had them a while,
and boy, has he copped
some flak for it! Ha!
But now, I'm going to have
big, sort of, coat of arms
-put into them in gold
as well.
-Nice! Nice!
And I'm gonna have,
like, a monogram
on the bottom
of my swimming pool.
-And one of those!
-Splendid!
You would love this thing
I saw in the States
the other week.
It was a, sort of, small bath
with a plug on it.
It's a home gold-plating kit.
Ooh!
-So you just gold-plate stuff?
-MAY: I said he'd like it.
Well, what you do...
Well, the idea is that
you take the badges
off your Lexus, frankly,
and you put them in,
plug it in,
and 10 minutes later,
they're gold!
Wow!
I'd put my dog in it!
I'd do my hands
and have gold hands!
Honestly, you can really
just gold-plate anything?
It's about 100 quid.
I should have
bought it for you.
No, it'd be a disaster.
You'd get drunk and
gold-plate your whole house.
I could gold-plate my gates!
-Your gold-plated
electric gates!
-Electric gates!
That's pretty vulgar, Jeremy!
Somebody said to me
when I put them in,
"Well done, Jeremy.
"You've brought
a little bit of Cheshire
to the Cotswolds."
Now, Liverpool.
They could, of course,
have just knocked it down
and started again.
But they didn't.
They gave it a lick of paint,
they fitted some new plumbing,
and then they installed
a couple of trendy cafes.
And now, it's a European
capital of culture!
So, if they can do that
with a whole city,
can it be done to a car?
MAY: The XJS
was launched in the '70s,
and when it was launched,
everybody hated it.
After the beautiful E-Type,
it was disappointing,
to say the least,
especially as early ones
were usually finished
in Midlands brown.
But gradually, this shape,
like cheese,
matured very nicely.
And you know what?
These looks are actually
a bit of an accident.
You see those
buttresses at the back?
They're not actually
supposed to be there at all.
When the car
was first designed,
it was going to be mid-engine,
but then
they changed their mind
and they thought,
"No, no. We'll put the engine
in the front."
But no one thought
to take the buttresses off.
And yet, they're part of
what makes it a masterpiece.
But there's something
that puts me off.
You see, in all its 21 years
in production,
Jaguar never made a good one.
Early XJS's were so bad
that when British Leyland
offered them
to their senior managers,
even they said no.
And at the end of
its 21-year life,
it still wasn't right.
I'll show you where
Jaguar went wrong.
This is a suspension bush
and it's made out of
a really rubbish rubber,
so it completely mucks up
the feel of the car.
This is
an electrical connector.
Now, there are hundreds
of these on the XJS,
and they're of
a really poor quality.
So, after about
five or six years,
they all corrode
and the whole car dies.
And it's the same
all over the place.
The door seals,
they let water in,
so the doors rust
from the inside.
The engine components
are built down to a price
and strangle all the power.
Jaguar had the recipe
for a perfect shepherd's pie,
and then made it
with dog meat.
This one, though,
is different.
For a start,
I've been driving it
for several hours now,
and everything
still seems to be working.
More to the point, though,
it feels like no other XJS
I've ever driven.
This one feels fantastic!
That's because it's special.
It's been given a once-over
by a tiny Hampshire firm
called
Knowles-Wilkins Engineering.
Knowles-Wilkins, you can just see the Spitfires on the office wall!
Now, this is not
a restoration job,
it's something far cleverer,
modernisation.
They take a good, used XJS,
and they turn it into the car
it should have been.
They completely rebuild
the suspension, the steering,
the entire electrical system,
and they find
an extra 50 horsepower
in that V12 engine.
And when
they've done all that,
they re-trim the interior
and they put
some lovely new paint on it.
Now, the whole package
will cost you about £35,000,
which is a huge amount
of money for an XJS.
But it's an XJS that works!
This is amazing.
I've driven loads of XJS's,
but this is the first time
I've ever really
felt like I'm, you know,
involved in the process.
There's a really nice sense
that it's all really tight
and set up.
My dad had one of these
and I always wanted it
to feel like this,
but, to be honest,
it just didn't.
It felt a bit like
sitting on a sofa.
And listen to this engine,
this V12.
This is just fabulous.
Listen to that.
A really lovely,
distant rumble,
that's so pukka!
Of course there are people,
the sort of people who
go to an auto jumble
looking for a new bumper,
who will say that,
"This is wrong.
"This is interfering
with Jaguar heritage."
But I say, "Rubbish!
This is a brilliant idea."
All the character
of the car is still here.
All the funny touches,
like these comedy instruments,
and these novelty stalks
that move the mirrors around,
and that huge bonnet!
It's a bit like owning
a 15th century house.
You keep the thatched roof,
you keep the leaded glass,
but you fit modern
central heating,
you have
one of those Smeg fridges.
Of course you do, come on.
I love this car. It's a piece
of England's heritage
that's had the full
National Trust treatment.
After hundreds of lovely miles in this Jag, from Hampshire
and through Wales,
I've now come to Liverpool.
I wanted to come here
because self-made Scousers
love their Jags.
But then I remembered that
none of the professional
Scousers,
Tarby, Cilla, McCartney,
actually lives here!
Well, maybe they should
come home,
and have a look
at this waterfront.
That is a World Heritage site,
like Stonehenge
and the Parthenon.
So, if ever there was
a World Heritage car,
this is it!
Now, I can see
it shines like a new car,
but does it feel like one
and smell like one?
Yeah, it does.
It feels like a new XJS,
but better.
And the thing
you'd really like is that
they can pull
exactly the same trick
with the Series III XJ12.
-What, the one with the
pepper pot alloy wheels?
-Exactly!
-So, you...
-And the world's best ride.
So you could be comfortable
and have a new...
Oh, that's fantastic!
-It is brilliant.
-And the best thing is,
is that...
I saw an XJS the other day,
it was a convertible,
and it mooned me
with its beauty!
And this is the thing
about Jaguar, is that,
when the XJS came out,
as you said in the film,
it was awful.
I think they come too soon.
Yes, they do!
They... They do.
They're just...
They're basically...
The cars come out
and you go, "That's awful".
And then 10 years
down the line, you go,
"Actually, no, it isn't."
Yeah, they mature.
And the E-Type
-is actually better-looking
now than it ever was.
-Absolutely.
And then last week,
we were on that beach in Wales
with an XK,
-remember when that came out,
eight years ago?
-Yeah. Spindly!
It's on stilts!
Now you look at it, fantastic!
So in about, sort of,
15 or 20 years' time,
we'll look at the S-Type
and we'll think,
"That's really awful!"
We will. I think the S-Type
is basically like
Beaujolais Nouveau,
awful when it came out,
and then just gets steadily
worse as time passes.
Yeah. That's a
shame. Have you,
um...
Well, have you got
a guest, then?
Yeah, we'll meet
our guest now.
Now you've brought
the S-type up,
time to move onto the guest,
and he's
a broadcasting colossus,
there's no other word.
Started out working in a bank,
and he is now, without doubt,
the most influential
man in music.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Terry Wogan!
How are you?
-Grab a seat.
-As well as can be expected.
I'm sort of...
I'm pale, but determined.
Pale but determined,
and also with a gammy leg,
but still able to influence
the sale of records.
This is a popular myth.
I don't, you know...
I get about...
I suppose eight million people
listen of a morn.
More than anyone else
in the world!
But what else
have they got to listen to?
The thing is that...
It's because
I've been doing it
for so long.
I'm like the wallpaper,
I'm like a dirty old
rug in the kitchen.
Nobody ever really listens
to what I'm saying.
Nevertheless,
I can fight back on that,
because I rang
a friend of mine
last night who works for Sony,
who said, basically,
if you plug a record
of the week and play it,
home and dry!
You can make an artist,
even at your age!
It's one of
the very few things
I can do at my age now.
Could you break an artist?
-Well, I...
-People like Peter Andre,
for instance.
I'd like to see him smashed.
Oh, I thought
you meant break them...
No, no, smash them!
Smash them into smithereens.
Get them out of
the public consciousness
with his waxed chest!
Could you do that for me?
If I said, "Pretty please"?
There's many a thing
I would do for you,
but Peter Andre
is a very, very dear
personal friend of mine.
How do I know that
to be rubbish?
Uh, Eurovision Song Contest.
No, I never talk about that.
Unfortunately, I do! Um...
You said it was corrupt.
I didn't, really.
What I said...
I didn't say
it wasn't corrupt either!
The thing is that
when you see two countries
that have been
at each other's throats
for hundreds of years,
-since the fall
of the Ottoman Empire...
-Hmm.
...and who've only just
stopped having a war
with each other,
giving each other
douze points,
you have to ask the question,
"Is the voting
completely above board?"
I'm here to tell you,
"I'm sorry.
I don't believe it."
What surprises me
about your views
on the Eurovision Song Contest
is that you're
surprised by this.
I...
'Cause we have, you know,
there's a European
Car of the Year award
made every year,
where every single year,
Fiat wins.
Because the Italians
can only vote for Fiat.
Yeah. It is relevant to
the Eurovision Song Contest.
Italy haven't taken part
in the Eurovision Song Contest
for some years now.
-Have they not?
-No.
Because they left in a pet
about 10 years ago
'cause they didn't win.
But have you ever heard
Italian music?
-Shocking!
-Well, all...
I mean, Vivaldi was all right,
but then, you know,
after that...
The whole European
music...
See, the thing about
the Eurovision is
it doesn't reflect
any national tastes
in popular music.
Spanish popular music
is quite modern.
French popular music,
quite modern.
But when it gets
to Eurovision time,
they decide that they
have to have a song
that reflects national pride
and dignity.
So the Spaniards
will always have
a touch of flamenco in it,
and, uh, people
stamping their feet.
All that kind of stuff.
And who's gonna vote for that?
Well, now you're...
I hope you don't mind
my saying, really,
the original grumpy old man.
What is it that
baffles you most
on the road, then?
So many things.
One of the things
that disappoints me
on the show is that
-when the M4 bus lane
was first painted...
-Ah, grand work.
...you were a champion
of having it torn up.
You've just dropped it
as though...
Because I don't travel
on the M4 any more. I...
Who can?
No, you... But the thing is,
it's still there!
-But what can I do?
-And people go,
-"Yeah, there's a bus lane
on the M4."
-But...
Don't people realise
the unbelievable stupidity
of that?
Listen! Listen!
Nobody cares what you think!
I know! Which is why...
I know!
I know!
So why don't you...
They don't care
what I think either!
-They do!
-No! No!
-They do! They do!
-Let me tell you
a little-known fact
that is true.
The man who was in charge
of the bus lane on the M4...
Was fat!
And received an honour
from the Queen last year.
They gave him an OBE.
-Well, Prescott
was responsible.
-The man...
No. The technocrat
or whoever it was...
The man with the red paint.
The man who was in charge
of the whole idea,
and put it into place,
and running the show smoothly,
he got an OBE for that.
Well, it is...
It's always empty.
Certainly no buses on it.
It's on the outside lane!
Exactly. And how do you
put bus stops
when it's the outside lane?
How do people get there?
-How can you flag down
a bus from the central...
-It's all right.
You've never seen a bus on it.
-There isn't.
-No, no. And...
Another thing, matri...
Matri...
Matrixes.
-Matri.
-Matri...ces.
Signs. Signs.
Those signs over the motorway.
Why do they expect anybody
to believe anything they say?
When they're up there,
sometimes for as much...
A week.
Fog.
-You see that RSPB thing,
though...
-Oh?
The Royal Society
for the Prevention of Birds.
Protection of Birds!
Yes, them! That's the one!
They're the ones...
Don't know why I said that.
Protection of Birds!
They are...
They are the quango
to end them all.
-They didn't say...
-Whenever they need
a few quid,
they come up
with something like,
"The osprey is missing!
"Oh, well, we'd better get
some money for that, then!"
And now, the thing is,
the commoner garden house
sparrow, disappearing.
Why?
"We think there are
less bugs about."
So, what do we do?
Get out of your car
and kill as many bugs
as you can!
This means there'll be
even less sparrows!
They do. They want us
to count how many bugs
there are splattered
on our number plates.
Have you ever heard
anything so ridiculous
in all your life?
So, there's how many
there are by how many
you've killed?
Yeah. You killed...
The birds need them.
You're killing them.
They tell you
to go and kill them.
Do you swerve
to avoid rabbits?
-Never. Do you?
-No.
-Foxes?
-No!
No?
-Children?
I do. I do, children, yeah.
I have swerved
to avoid children before.
You see, you see,
you're too soft for this game!
Deer. What about a nice...
What about Bambi
standing there?
Oh! Terrific!
It can take your chassis away,
'cause they're big...
You have to watch it, though,
'cause they might
come up and over.
There's a 50-50 chance
with a deer, really,
that you're gonna go...
You know the rule, that
if you do knock down a
deer, you have to drive
on,
but the next fella
coming along
can pick it up,
put it in the boot
and have it for dinner.
-Is that true?
-Yeah.
-Well, you can't eat one
if you run it over?
-No. No.
The first person
to run it over
has to go on their way.
The second person
discovering it
dead on the road,
has it for din.
You see, I had no idea,
this is a motoring rule
which has passed me by.
I'm feeling remiss.
It may well be something
I've made up. I don't know.
-Oh.
Uh, cars.
You've had the Rollers,
obviously. 'Cause I know...
You say that as if
you don't like Rollers.
You don't like a Roller.
You think it's a bit of
a Jack The Lad car, do you?
No, it was the pro-celebrity
golfer thing.
-It was the time...
-I used to play in that.
Exactly.
And you had a Roller,
and that was what
really went along.
I had a Roller, yeah!
Did you have a pink
V-neck jumper?
I might have had.
Anyway,
you've got no Roller now.
No, I've got a Bentley.
Ooh! Which one?
The Arnage Red R.
Now, you see,
that's a nice car.
Don't you patronise
my Bentley!
I'm not! It's a brilliant car!
It's a fantastic car,
but would it stood you
in good stead on the track?
Yeah. 'Cause it would have
been about 10 times faster
than the little crappy car
that I was driving.
True enough. True enough.
Who'd like to see Terry's lap?
-Not me.
-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Okay. Run the tape.
Here we go.
CLARKSON: That's some
wheel spin. That was
a very energetic start.
Oh, yeah. My word!
What a face.
Let's go as fast as we can
this time for the final fling!
CLARKSON:
That's not that fast, Terry,
if I might be so bold,
and nor is that.
It may not look fast.
It's deceptive.
CLARKSON:
That's not deceptive,
it's just not fast.
WOGAN:
It is extremely fast for me!
CLARKSON: Your window's down.
I'm a speed king.
CLARKSON: That's not
a very speed king-y...
That is extremely fast!
CLARKSON: Funnily enough,
Jodie Kidd adopted
a similar technique
of sticking close to the...
Oh, here's the Hammerhead.
-And she was very fast but...
That was...
That was not a wheel,
that was me screaming.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Nobody's going to
die in this car,
I promise you that.
I have never been
so bored in my life.
He said, "This is
a very, very wide thing,
you don't need to brake."
I'll be the judge of that.
CLARKSON: Okay.
Here we come up
to the last corner now.
Braking, no need for that. You weren't going fast enough. Round it.
WOGAN: I was...
I virtually mowed down
several cameramen.
I imagine it'll be probably
up there somewhere.
CLARKSON: What?
The 1:47 sort of thing?
Or are you being
more realistic?
Maybe a 1:49, 1:50?
Quite frankly, if I do better
than Richard Whiteley,
I'll figure
I've done quite well.
Terry Wogan...
You sounded like
Eamonn Andrews there.
I thought you were gonna say,
"This is your life".
I'm not.
Although it was a lifetime
watching that lap.
-Terry Wogan...
-Yes?
Two minutes...
-No!
You're hoping
I don't say more than 2:06,
-'cause that would be
worse than Whiteley.
-Yeah.
-You're safe. It's 2:04.
-Oh!
Damn quick.
I'm not certain
that round of applause
was entirely justified.
-I wasn't going all out.
- You can
say that again.
But, Terry, it's been a joy
having you here.
-How kind.
-Man after my own heart.
I loved it!
Ladies and gentlemen...
-Thank you.
-...Terry Wogan!
Okay. Okay, now, this week,
we're looking at cars
that we don't actually
get in this country.
Which is why, earlier on,
Jeremy drove that weird
Japanese Cube, sort of,
van-bag thing,
which I don't think
we really want anyway.
No, I think we're sort of...
We're pretty well sorted
with silly little
Japanese cars.
Yes, we are.
As many small hatches
as we need.
However, I thought there might
be a little gap in the market
for executive saloons.
You see,
it used to be very easy.
You just went straight
to the Germans.
But in recent years,
something's gone a bit wrong.
The new 5 Series from BMW
is kinda weird.
The Audi A6
has grown a goatee.
And the Mercedes E-Class
is just, well, dull.
And that's why I'm in Holland.
I haven't come here
to score some drugs
to make the E-Class
look more exciting.
I've come here
to look at this.
HAMMOND:
It's the new Cadillac,
the CTS.
Pretty soon,
they'll be selling this car
here in Holland.
And in France. And Germany.
And all across Europe.
But not in Britain.
That's not really surprising
because the last Cadillac
to be sold in the United
Kingdom was the STS.
And that was rubbish.
And I do mean rubbish.
It handled and looked
like a pig.
There was no reason
for that car to be on sale
in Great Britain at all.
But this new one
is much more intriguing.
Look at that pointy face.
Scary.
And all these unusual
creases and slashes.
You see, Cadillac realised
its average owner
was 112 years old.
And so,
they had to do something
to frighten them off.
It's either that
or they've already put
all the dents into them
that they'll pick up
eventually in a Florida
rest home anyway.
But the other thing
that will scare the old folk
is this...
The pace.
3.2-litre V6,
220 brake horsepower.
0-60 in 7.6 seconds.
It's got a fantastic
automatic gearbox.
Even though this is gonna be
the first Cadillac ever
to be put on sale
with the option
of a manual one.
It probably pulls really well
up hills, but...
We're in Holland, so, uh,
you know...
So, it's so far,
so surprising.
But that doesn't
earn it a place
over on our shores, yet.
First, it's got to
take on this.
The corner. The corner
is as strange to Americans
as a small meal
or a president who can spell.
American cars run off and cry
when they see one.
Okay, so here we go,
approaching a corner.
Don't be scared.
Amazing!
It's gone round the corner
at more than
five miles an hour
without jumping into a bush.
But it's better than that.
Turn off the traction control,
and all of a sudden...
...you can do a lot more!
Whee! There we go!
This thing isn't bad!
And it's American!
That's amazing!
It could almost be
a BMW 5 Series
for 3 Series money.
Because if the CTS
did come to Britain,
it would only cost 25 grand.
But sadly, it's in here
where everything really does
start to come unravelled.
The last time I saw
plastics like this,
it contained Tic Tacs.
It is dreadful.
But that's not really
a surprise. The Americans
just don't get luxury.
To them,
luxury is just making
something bigger.
It was just too much
to expect Americans
to do quality and corners.
And then there's some
good old-fashioned stupidity
in action.
For instance,
the handbrake release
is a small black
plastic lever down here
to my left.
The bonnet release
is a small black plastic lever
down here to my left
about an inch away.
You can see what's coming.
The routine is start engine,
into gear, here we go.
But two annoying flies
in a jar of otherwise
very pleasant ointment
are not enough to put me off.
The CTS is also working
very hard to be cool.
This car has been
inThe Matrix
andBad Boys II.
Cadillac is shaking off
its image of Bob Hope
in golf trousers.
In fact, the average age
of a Cadillac owner has now dropped from 65 to 59.
Well, it's a start.
The CTS isn't just
a good, American car,
but it's a good car.
Full stop.
This time, the Cadillac
deserves a ship's passage
to Blighty.
-No, it doesn't.
-What?
I don't want a Cadillac.
-Why not?
-Cadillacs are for pimps
and pensioners,
and that's an end of it.
That's gonna be great,
they're gonna put
a big V8 in it
and do a V version.
It'll be cool.
Don't care.
Don't like any American car.
Now you're just being silly
all-sweeping about it.
-They're badly made. Listen.
-Just sounds...
-That sounds like
a wheelie bin.
-Yeah.
-And that... Plastic.
-Wheelie bin.
-Yeah.
They're badly made out of
very, very cheap materials.
All American cars
are the same.
All right, well, look,
this brings us on to
what we want to do now,
which is look further
at this evening's theme
of cars we don't get.
And over here,
we've had a very good idea.
We've got a pile of cars
that we don't get over here
and we've got two dustbins.
In this one are gonna go
the cars...
This is sophisticated,
this is.
And this one,
the cars we don't want.
-Exactly.
-Okay, and I'm gonna start
with another American car.
And it's this,
the Pontiac Solstice.
-Yeah?
-It's fantastic!
Look at that little two-door,
two-seated coupe!
Your reason why that...
What do you reckon of that?
Can you see that?
That's a nice-looking
little car, isn't it?
What do you think?
-Nice car.
-Looks like a TVR.
The chap here's got the point.
It looks like a TVR.
The reason it looks good,
Richard, is,
because it looks European!
-Fine...
-But the difference is,
the difference is
it has a 2.4 litre engine
from which the Americans
have managed to extract
170 brake horsepower!
-You're being...
-170 brake horsepower
from 2.4 litres!
We don't want that. No way.
While you're on the subject
of Pontiac, okay?
Yes.
HAMMOND: Ah! I was really
hoping you wouldn't do that.
-This is the Pontiac Aztec.
-Yes.
This has a 3.4 litre engine!
185 brake horsepower!
I will concede it looks like
a badly built conservatory.
It's horrendous.
It is absolutely shocking.
This is the sort of rubbish...
Look at that. Look at it.
-WOMAN: That's awful.
-Awful?
Absolutely terrible.
Ugly. Exactly.
We don't want that.
All right,
another American car.
You've got to
let this one through.
It's the Hummer, the H2.
You drove this
on the programme.
You said you loved it.
-We'll have one of them.
-Okay.
In fact, while I'm at it,
here's another one.
Another American car.
The new Mustang. Now, come on!
-That you've got to want.
-You want that?
-That's magnificent!
-You want that?
MAN 1: No, I don't like it.
MAN 2: No.
-MAN 3: No.
-No? You don't want it?
Anyone here want the Mustang?
Anybody sensible here?
-MAN 4: Absolutely, yes.
-You'd like the Mustang?
-Yeah. Give to
me. -You're...
-Dutch?
-Yes, I'm Dutch.
Your opinion
is worthless here.
-What do you reckon?
-I prefer the old one.
You prefer the old one.
But nevertheless,
the problem is,
it is already old.
This looks fabulous,
has a live rear axle
just like a Morris Marina!
So, here, in a civilised
part of the world,
that's a no.
-What about this?
-That's cool.
CLARKSON: This, it's...
This is the Pontiac, what's
it... No, the Chevrolet SSR.
-That rocks!
-Okay.
-Now, this is a pickup truck.
-Yes.
Which has got a roof
like a Mercedes SLK
that kinda folds away.
-It's cool.
-You'd drive that,
would you?
-Yes. I do.
-You live in Gloucestershire?
And you'd drive around
in a purple convertible
pickup truck?
Not a purple one obviously...
No, no. I'm sorry,
that's a no.
Interestingly enough,
it's not just American,
there are some
European cars that we
don't get over here,
that don't make it
over the Channel.
I've got a car we don't get.
It's from Lancia.
The name is the Thesis,
which isn't a bad name, that's
not the problem with the car.
The problem is this.
Look at it!
It's hideous!
They've looked
at the S-Type Jag
and gone, "Nice".
"Good look. Yeah."
"We'll have
a grille like that."
And they've messed it up
'cause they've got
one off a Riley,
-by the looks of things.
-It's an absolute howler!
There is one European car
that is interesting.
-That.
-It's all right.
Yep. It's a Renault Logan,
okay. It's made in Romania.
And this is on sale
throughout Eastern Europe,
and the Uk-stan
sort of countries.
-And...
Do you know how much it costs,
before you laugh?
-Go on.
-£3,200.
How do they do that?
It's got no electric windows,
no power steering, no stereo,
no central locking.
It is just a car.
Basically, it's what
we want from phones.
-What?
-All you want
from a mobile phone
is it to be full of
mobile phone technology.
I don't want to be able to
video my genitals and show
them on Italian Internet.
You're showing
your age again, Jeremy.
I don't want that!
The point is,
I reckon there's a huge number
of people in this country
that would buy a car
for 3,200 quid,
have nothing on, just a car.
-No, I think
we should have that.
-Yeah.
We should definitely
have that one. Good.
Okay, that's sorted, right.
Now, last year, we showed you
how you can run your car
on chip pan fat.
Well, I got wondering,
"What about poo?"
Could you run your car
on one of those?
There's a lot of
frightening stuff talked about
the world's energy resources.
"Ooh, they'll all
run out tomorrow
"and we'll have to live
in caves and eat soil,"
that sort of thing.
Thankfully, Top Gear
has the answer.
And she's called Mabel.
HAMMOND:
Cows are amazing creatures.
Not only do they
give us milk and burgers,
but every day a single cow
produces 50 kilograms of poo.
And poo gives off methane.
It's a cheap,
endless supply of energy.
It's a basic fuel,
and in theory,
it can be used to run a car.
I think you can see
where this is going.
We needed to find out
if you can run a car
on number twos.
Which is why we're here
at a slurry farm.
Here's how the process works.
The cow does a poo.
The poo is scooped up
and put into a special tank
called a digester.
It's a bit like a brewing kit,
and it turns the poo
into compost
for spreading on fields.
Whilst it's in the digester,
the poo generates
lots of methane gas.
And normally, the methane
given off by this process
goes to waste.
But not today.
We're keeping the gas
and feeding it
into this compressor
which squashes it
to make it more dense
so that it will fit
into a car tank.
Now, the car has already
been converted
to run on compressed
natural gas.
Which means it should go for this methane.
Probably.
So here it is,
the world's first
cow poo-powered car,
and to see if it works,
we're gonna have a drag race
against this identical Rover
running on
old-fashioned petrol.
We've also got a third car,
one which runs on methane
extracted from human waste.
Are mankind's number twos
faster than cow flatulence?
In theory,
methane should be methane.
But never let it be said
that we are not thorough
in our science.
This is it.
In just a few moments,
we might be about
to change the world.
Here we go.
That's it! It works!
We are running on poo!
Come on! Poo power!
I'm second. Oh, no!
Petrol's romping away!
People poo is beating cow poo!
No!
Come on!
Useless cow!
I am frankly amazed
that no big oil company
has built a refinery
to harness the power
of cow pat!
Well, they haven't, so...
Right, so if you
want to do this,
we have to do it
in a sort of self-sufficient,
good-life way, yeah?
-Yeah, if you want to,
yeah, would.
-Okay.
How much is a cow?
About 700 quid.
Okay. Now, I'm gonna need
about 1,500 litres
of fuel a year,
-how many cows do I need?
-You'll need about
four cows, okay?
Eight times four.
To be honest,
this is ridiculous, James,
because cows cost
a fortune to run.
It's about 545 quid a year,
and then you need land,
six acres,
which is about 300 quid.
And then you'll have
to buy the digester
and all the rest of it,
which is about 1,500.
Trust me, it doesn't...
It was just a joke
I was playing.
Actually, it is beginning
to look pretty expensive.
Yes, and then
you got depreciation.
No, cows don't depreciate.
But I'll tell you
what they do do, though,
they make milk.
How much milk
do you get from a cow?
You're a yokel. Come on.
About 1,200 quid
per cow per year.
All right, times four.
It's... It's not that simple
to be honest, May.
-Yes, it is.
-It's not a sensible idea.
-Right. 1,500 litres of petrol
costs now 1,500 quid.
-Yes.
1,500 litres of poo power,
you're only 30 quid down!
-No!
-You are a genius.
No! You've got it all wrong
because you have to have
a milking parlour
and somebody to milk the cows,
and then you've got to have
a field full of cow pats,
so you've got to
gather up and put it.
It doesn't work, mate.
It was a joke. I'm sorry.
Leave it.
-How much is four humans?
-Leave it! It doesn't work.
Okay, now,
as we heard earlier,
Renaults aren't the most
beautifully made cars
that money can buy,
but they have been working
over the last few years
to make their cars
as safe as humanly possible.
So, the new Espace
has a five-star safety rating.
The new Megane, unbelievably,
has a five-star safety rating.
The new Laguna
has a five-star safety rating.
And the new Clio...doesn't.
CLARKSON: What they've done
is taken the old Clio 172
and added 10 more
brake horsepower
to create the Clio 182.
So, that's 182
brake horsepower
in a car that's small enough
to be a slipper.
It is hugely fast.
0-60 takes seven seconds,
and it keeps on going
all the way to 140.
Of course, as we found
with the very first Golf GTI,
putting loads of power
in a little car
does affect
its cornering habits.
Push, and it turns
into a tripod.
This looks insane,
and that's because
this car just is.
The whole drive train
feels as though
it's coming from
a tunnel-boring machine.
It feels rough and industrial.
Then there's the noise,
which never really goes away.
Even if you put it in
fifth gear and slow down
to 30 miles an hour,
it's still...
I think this could probably
get wearisome after a while.
Trying to control
this bucking,
three-legged bronco
with blood pouring
out of your ears
is hard enough.
But it's made harder still
by the driving position.
The steering wheel
is far too large,
you can't get your feet on
the pedals if your shoe size
is more than a nine.
And then,
there's the seat itself.
You sit bolt upright,
and if you move the lever,
there, you go flat
on your back.
I think probably on balance,
it's better to go for the
bolt upright option.
Still, this isn't
the end of the world,
because the car will almost
certainly fall apart
before it makes you
deaf and mad.
The cheapness of this thing
beggars belief.
I mean, you wouldn't
fit carpet like that
in a student bedsit.
And if you tilt this forward,
you can see painted
metal, exposed
screw heads,
and this, the parcel shelf,
couldn't be less flimsy
if they'd made it
out of tracing paper!
Then there's the boot lid,
which I think they did make
out of tracing paper.
In the front,
you think, "Ah, yes! But
I've got strips of aluminium.
"It's as well-made
as Zurich airport."
But it isn't. It's plastic.
And so is this.
And so is that.
You get the impression,
this really isn't
a quality product.
So, badly made, noisy,
bit ungainly, uncomfortable
and cheap.
Things are not looking good,
but they're about
to pick up a bit.
You see, the Clio feels cheap
because it is cheap.
It's only £14,700,
and it's impossible
to go faster than this
for less.
Even with
the Pac-A-Mac plastics
and dog-kennel carpeting,
it is good value.
And it gets better,
because for £200 extra
you can have
what's called the cup pack.
This gives you better tyres,
better suspension,
and these eight-spoke
alloy wheels.
Inside, lots more is on offer.
Air conditioning, CD,
sat nav, cruise control,
a trip computer.
This, then, is no stripped-out road rocket. Far from it.
It is amazingly comfortable.
Even with the firm
suspension, it just glides
over bumps and potholes.
But the best thing about it
is its character.
The thing is, nobody gets
a job in the car industry
because they want
to make safe cars.
So, all the time those
poor souls at Renault
have been beavering away
with their crumple zones
and their air bags,
there's been this pressure
building up
for them to go berserk
and make something that's mad.
And you can sense that,
you can feel the excitement
in this car.
It's kind of like
a Motown pop song, really.
Tinny, short, quick,
uncomplicated.
Nothing like Verdi's Requiem.
Three minutes, bish bash bosh,
big smile on your face,
the end.
Yes, it's riddled with faults.
Yes, the exhaust system
goes through
the spare wheel well,
so there's no spare wheel.
Yes, it's badly made
and a bit mental,
but none of this matters.
For one very good reason.
It makes you feel
happy.
You know what? In many ways,
this car reminds me of
that Rover MG ZT 260
we had on last week,
loads of faults,
but really, really lovable.
Yeah, you just love it.
I know what you mean,
and I've thought about that
Rover a bit, and I reckon,
bear with me,
that that Rover is like
a 14-year-old collie dog.
You know the kind,
a bit whiffy, a bit old.
-Couple of warts.
-Deaf.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Sits in the corner,
faithful old friend.
You couldn't
shoot it in the face.
-Oh, no!
No, no, no, you couldn't.
-No, exactly.
This isn't like that.
-No.
-If you stick with
the dog thing...
-Please do.
...this would basically
jump up at visitors
and get mud
all down their trousers,
and dig big holes in the lawn.
-It's a little puppy.
-It is a puppy car dog!
You'd leave it
in the garage at night
and you'd put down
squares of newspaper,
and then in the morning,
there'll be a little pile
in the bit
that you hadn't put
the newspaper on.
-You couldn't smack it.
-No! With its little face!
It would do the ears.
It should have two ears.
-Little cockeye that...
-Fitted as standard, yeah.
And it would go bury
its instruction manual
in the garden.
That's what it would do.
And then you'd open
the door to the vicar,
and there would be the Clio
clamped to his leg!
-And you couldn't...
He's a puppy!
-I'm sorry, it's my Clio!
Anyway, um,
obviously it needs to be
house trained.
And luckily, we have
just the man for that.
Bring him on.
Barbara Stighouse!
CLARKSON: Okay.
He's scrabbling off the line.
Trashing control
computer is off
leaving just the raw
processing power
of the Stig's foot.
-First bend, tyres squeal,
as he loads up
the right front wheel.
Very, very cleanly
out of there.
Shocking music,
pelting into Chicago.
That is unbelievably neat!
Not just 182 brake horsepower, the Clio also has
nearly 150 torque,
so it really lugs
out of the bends.
Hammerhead normally shows up
front-wheel drive cars.
This one, though, has got special Michelin Exalto tyres.
They were actually developed
specially for this car, and clearly, they are working.
This car has the
power-to-weight ratio of 168
brake horsepower per tonne.
Same as a Lotus Elise.
This is looking very good.
And there he is, cocking
his little wheel there,
waiting for the vicar to come.
And across the line
in one minute 33.8,
-which, actually,
is pretty good.
-That's not bad.
It's only half a second off
that 3.2 litre Golf Labrador.
And way faster
than the mad dog,
Alfa 147 GTA.
Rabid thing that is.
That's not bad
for a little puppy.
No. Very, very good.
On today's programme...
Can you run a car on a poo?
Have the Americans
made something which can
go round corners?
And the new Jaguar XJS,
is it any good?
Hello. Now, there are
lots of different types of car
made all over the world
which aren't offered for sale
in Britain.
So tonight, we thought
it would be a good idea
to have a bit of
a snout around to see
if any of them are any good.
This funny-looking
little thing
is the Nissan Cube
and it's the best-selling car
in Japan.
The trouble is that stuff
which goes down well in Japan
won't necessarily
work here in Britain.
I mean,
there are vending machines
on the streets of Tokyo
where you can
buy dirty knickers.
I think the first
of many problems
this car might have
if it were to come over here
is the way it looks.
You see, a Ferrari
is aggressive and beautiful.
So it covers
the two most important bases
in car design,
sex and violence.
Doesn't matter whether
it's a Ferrari or a Ford,
that's what we want,
something which excites
the ancient part
of our brain,
something that
makes us a little bit
frightened.
This isn't frightening at all.
And that's because
it's as square as Sophie Ellis-Bextor's head.
The square simply isn't
a frightening shape.
Square is not
a frightening concept.
A house. Square, not scary.
Cheese. Square, not scary.
And then there's this place.
Tunbridge Wells.
The Cube seemed to
fit right in here
with its mild blue rinse
and its chocolate-box,
cuckoo-clock looks.
There is one thing to be said
for the Cube's styling.
If you don't like it
from this side,
you perhaps think
this pillar's a bit thick
and heavy
and you don't
like these, uh, vents,
simply look at it
from the other side
where we find a window
instead of a pillar
and no vents at all.
This is the first car
I've ever come across
that's different on one side
than the other.
Apart from the Rover 800,
of course,
though that was
different by accident.
They just didn't
build it properly.
So, what about power?
Well, underneath
the lopsided body,
it's actually a Nissan Micra.
That means you get
a not-at-all scary
1.4-litre engine
which results in a relaxing
0-60 time of 13 seconds
and a soothing top speed
of 103.
Actually, I'm lying.
It isn't soothing at all.
It's very noisy,
and it's got
the worst automatic gearbox
ever in the whole world.
Every time it changes down,
it's like you've been
hit up the back
by an articulated lorry.
And it's got an overdrive!
I haven't seen one of those
for 40 years!
Welcome back to the '70s
with the smooth sound
of the Nissan Cube.
You can have the Cube
with a CVT gearbox,
but that's not really
to be recommended.
No, there's a corner!
And that brings me onto
the second worst thing
about the driving experience.
Turn the wheel
and you have no sense
that it's actually
connected to the tyres
in any way.
As a car, then, as a machine
for stirring your soul
and titivating
your primeval instincts,
the Cube is
absolutely hopeless.
But as a tool,
well, that's a
slightly different story.
It is very cheap.
The price for the base model
is just £8,500,
which isn't bad
when you bear in mind
that it comes
with air conditioning,
and power steering,
and a stereo.
And a lot of space.
For such a small car,
it really does have
an enormous boot.
And you can make it
bigger still by pulling
the rear seat forwards,
or by folding it
away altogether.
In the front,
there are so many cubbyholes,
it's difficult to know
how you might fill them all.
I mean, you've got
a glove box here, obviously,
and then,
another glove box here
for the other glove.
Then there's
a sort of slot here
and pockets in the doors.
And then, if we pull
the bench seat down,
we find a slot here
for my char-grilled chicken
with chestnut and sage sauce.
Uh, underneath that,
we've got another one
for, um...
Tinned salmon and scissors.
Drinks? No problem.
Cup holder here.
Another one here
and two more down here.
They really have
thought of everything.
I mean, when you put the key
in the ignition, for instance,
it beeps to tell you
you've just done that!
And then,
when you put it into reverse,
there's a new beep to say
you've just put it in reverse.
And then,
when you turn the engine off,
another beep!
Isn't that marvellous?
There is one thing missing,
however.
You get no beep or buzzer
to remind you
as you drive along
that you look
like a complete berk.
All you really need to know
about this car
is that if you've got
a black and white cat
and your name's Pat,
it is available in red.
So, is that really
the best-selling car in Japan?
Yep, a nation of postmen,
I think.
Yeah, it would seem so.
But if you were
a postman over here,
and you want one,
you could presumably
import one?
Absolutely. There's a company
that will bring one over.
Cost you, here,
would cost you
after the shipping costs
and tax and so on,
between £11,000 and 12,000.
Or you can have one
with an electric motor
in the back
to make it four-wheel drive.
Why? What are you
gonna to do with that?
You couldn't
take it shooting, really,
'cause the pheasants
would just die laughing.
-Well, that might be
a good thing.
So, if you did bring one over,
um, you're gonna have to
get it serviced
-and all that sort of stuff.
-Yeah.
So is that going
to be possible?
It is, actually. I rang up
a Nissan dealer this week
to find out whether
they could actually do this,
and they said,
probably not
the four-wheel drive one,
but the guy said,
"Ooh, a Cube.
"Hmm, never had one of those,
but I'll give it a go."
-That's sporting!
-So I said,
"Can you do my daughter's
eye operation?"
"Yeah, I'll give that a go
as well, why not."
And now, the news.
And we begin this week
with a gentle reminder
about the Top Gear
Motoring Survey, 2004.
The biggest survey of its kind
in the world.
If you own a car
registered between 2000
on a Y plate
and 2003 on a 52 plate,
we want to hear from you.
We want to know
all about your car.
Is it reliable?
Is your dealer polite?
Or maybe you've bought
a Mercedes Benz A-class.
You can use your experience
to help others.
And also, you'll be making
a very valuable contribution
to this programme,
because we'll be bringing you
the results of all this
in the autumn. Log on.
Click on the survey button
and you're off.
Right, good.
Help us out with that.
Uh, rest of the news.
And big one this week,
the Fiat Barchetta.
Marvellous little car.
Wonderful thing.
Little Italian soft top.
Went out of production
for a while.
Stopped selling it in Britain.
It's back!
MAY: Hooray!
HAMMOND: Hooray!
We've got a picture
of the new one here.
MAY: Is it different?
Nope. The only thing
they've done with it
while it was not being made
is drop the price.
It's now £11,995,
which is extremely good value
for a car like that.
-That's very good.
-Can I just say...
-What?
It is good value,
but I had one of those.
Loved it.
I paid £11,500 for it.
They were more expensive then.
And a year later,
I was struggling
to sell it for £4,000.
Ooh!
Ouch!
They will lose a lot of money.
I'm enjoying that, actually.
-Yeah.
-I'm enjoying that moment.
Not only that,
the insurance cost a fortune
'cause it's left-hand drive.
I'm just wanting...
-It's still only
left-hand drive.
-It is still only left-hand...
I'm just wanting to say
be careful.
It might look cheap,
but you will lose money on it.
Anyway, you probably thought
the Lamborghini Murcielago
couldn't get any more flashy.
-No? Well, it can.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Here is the Lamborghini
Murcielago convertible.
-CLARKSON: Ooh!
Gentlemen of the adult
entertainment business,
your car has arrived, I think.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.
Dirk Diggler would have
one of those, wouldn't he?
With leopard-skin seats.
The interesting thing is,
though, that Lambos
have always been
very, very vulgar.
But I was reading
a piece last week
by the editor of
Tatlermagazine
in The Observer.
-Authorities.
-Yes, absolutely.
It says that
vulgarity is now in.
-So you... Finally!
-I've been ahead of the wave.
-It's your time! It's here!
-It's my time!
'Cause I put electric gates in
at my house the other day.
I thought,
"That is disgusting."
Not the other day.
He's had them a while,
and boy, has he copped
some flak for it! Ha!
But now, I'm going to have
big, sort of, coat of arms
-put into them in gold
as well.
-Nice! Nice!
And I'm gonna have,
like, a monogram
on the bottom
of my swimming pool.
-And one of those!
-Splendid!
You would love this thing
I saw in the States
the other week.
It was a, sort of, small bath
with a plug on it.
It's a home gold-plating kit.
Ooh!
-So you just gold-plate stuff?
-MAY: I said he'd like it.
Well, what you do...
Well, the idea is that
you take the badges
off your Lexus, frankly,
and you put them in,
plug it in,
and 10 minutes later,
they're gold!
Wow!
I'd put my dog in it!
I'd do my hands
and have gold hands!
Honestly, you can really
just gold-plate anything?
It's about 100 quid.
I should have
bought it for you.
No, it'd be a disaster.
You'd get drunk and
gold-plate your whole house.
I could gold-plate my gates!
-Your gold-plated
electric gates!
-Electric gates!
That's pretty vulgar, Jeremy!
Somebody said to me
when I put them in,
"Well done, Jeremy.
"You've brought
a little bit of Cheshire
to the Cotswolds."
Now, Liverpool.
They could, of course,
have just knocked it down
and started again.
But they didn't.
They gave it a lick of paint,
they fitted some new plumbing,
and then they installed
a couple of trendy cafes.
And now, it's a European
capital of culture!
So, if they can do that
with a whole city,
can it be done to a car?
MAY: The XJS
was launched in the '70s,
and when it was launched,
everybody hated it.
After the beautiful E-Type,
it was disappointing,
to say the least,
especially as early ones
were usually finished
in Midlands brown.
But gradually, this shape,
like cheese,
matured very nicely.
And you know what?
These looks are actually
a bit of an accident.
You see those
buttresses at the back?
They're not actually
supposed to be there at all.
When the car
was first designed,
it was going to be mid-engine,
but then
they changed their mind
and they thought,
"No, no. We'll put the engine
in the front."
But no one thought
to take the buttresses off.
And yet, they're part of
what makes it a masterpiece.
But there's something
that puts me off.
You see, in all its 21 years
in production,
Jaguar never made a good one.
Early XJS's were so bad
that when British Leyland
offered them
to their senior managers,
even they said no.
And at the end of
its 21-year life,
it still wasn't right.
I'll show you where
Jaguar went wrong.
This is a suspension bush
and it's made out of
a really rubbish rubber,
so it completely mucks up
the feel of the car.
This is
an electrical connector.
Now, there are hundreds
of these on the XJS,
and they're of
a really poor quality.
So, after about
five or six years,
they all corrode
and the whole car dies.
And it's the same
all over the place.
The door seals,
they let water in,
so the doors rust
from the inside.
The engine components
are built down to a price
and strangle all the power.
Jaguar had the recipe
for a perfect shepherd's pie,
and then made it
with dog meat.
This one, though,
is different.
For a start,
I've been driving it
for several hours now,
and everything
still seems to be working.
More to the point, though,
it feels like no other XJS
I've ever driven.
This one feels fantastic!
That's because it's special.
It's been given a once-over
by a tiny Hampshire firm
called
Knowles-Wilkins Engineering.
Knowles-Wilkins, you can just see the Spitfires on the office wall!
Now, this is not
a restoration job,
it's something far cleverer,
modernisation.
They take a good, used XJS,
and they turn it into the car
it should have been.
They completely rebuild
the suspension, the steering,
the entire electrical system,
and they find
an extra 50 horsepower
in that V12 engine.
And when
they've done all that,
they re-trim the interior
and they put
some lovely new paint on it.
Now, the whole package
will cost you about £35,000,
which is a huge amount
of money for an XJS.
But it's an XJS that works!
This is amazing.
I've driven loads of XJS's,
but this is the first time
I've ever really
felt like I'm, you know,
involved in the process.
There's a really nice sense
that it's all really tight
and set up.
My dad had one of these
and I always wanted it
to feel like this,
but, to be honest,
it just didn't.
It felt a bit like
sitting on a sofa.
And listen to this engine,
this V12.
This is just fabulous.
Listen to that.
A really lovely,
distant rumble,
that's so pukka!
Of course there are people,
the sort of people who
go to an auto jumble
looking for a new bumper,
who will say that,
"This is wrong.
"This is interfering
with Jaguar heritage."
But I say, "Rubbish!
This is a brilliant idea."
All the character
of the car is still here.
All the funny touches,
like these comedy instruments,
and these novelty stalks
that move the mirrors around,
and that huge bonnet!
It's a bit like owning
a 15th century house.
You keep the thatched roof,
you keep the leaded glass,
but you fit modern
central heating,
you have
one of those Smeg fridges.
Of course you do, come on.
I love this car. It's a piece
of England's heritage
that's had the full
National Trust treatment.
After hundreds of lovely miles in this Jag, from Hampshire
and through Wales,
I've now come to Liverpool.
I wanted to come here
because self-made Scousers
love their Jags.
But then I remembered that
none of the professional
Scousers,
Tarby, Cilla, McCartney,
actually lives here!
Well, maybe they should
come home,
and have a look
at this waterfront.
That is a World Heritage site,
like Stonehenge
and the Parthenon.
So, if ever there was
a World Heritage car,
this is it!
Now, I can see
it shines like a new car,
but does it feel like one
and smell like one?
Yeah, it does.
It feels like a new XJS,
but better.
And the thing
you'd really like is that
they can pull
exactly the same trick
with the Series III XJ12.
-What, the one with the
pepper pot alloy wheels?
-Exactly!
-So, you...
-And the world's best ride.
So you could be comfortable
and have a new...
Oh, that's fantastic!
-It is brilliant.
-And the best thing is,
is that...
I saw an XJS the other day,
it was a convertible,
and it mooned me
with its beauty!
And this is the thing
about Jaguar, is that,
when the XJS came out,
as you said in the film,
it was awful.
I think they come too soon.
Yes, they do!
They... They do.
They're just...
They're basically...
The cars come out
and you go, "That's awful".
And then 10 years
down the line, you go,
"Actually, no, it isn't."
Yeah, they mature.
And the E-Type
-is actually better-looking
now than it ever was.
-Absolutely.
And then last week,
we were on that beach in Wales
with an XK,
-remember when that came out,
eight years ago?
-Yeah. Spindly!
It's on stilts!
Now you look at it, fantastic!
So in about, sort of,
15 or 20 years' time,
we'll look at the S-Type
and we'll think,
"That's really awful!"
We will. I think the S-Type
is basically like
Beaujolais Nouveau,
awful when it came out,
and then just gets steadily
worse as time passes.
Yeah. That's a
shame. Have you,
um...
Well, have you got
a guest, then?
Yeah, we'll meet
our guest now.
Now you've brought
the S-type up,
time to move onto the guest,
and he's
a broadcasting colossus,
there's no other word.
Started out working in a bank,
and he is now, without doubt,
the most influential
man in music.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Terry Wogan!
How are you?
-Grab a seat.
-As well as can be expected.
I'm sort of...
I'm pale, but determined.
Pale but determined,
and also with a gammy leg,
but still able to influence
the sale of records.
This is a popular myth.
I don't, you know...
I get about...
I suppose eight million people
listen of a morn.
More than anyone else
in the world!
But what else
have they got to listen to?
The thing is that...
It's because
I've been doing it
for so long.
I'm like the wallpaper,
I'm like a dirty old
rug in the kitchen.
Nobody ever really listens
to what I'm saying.
Nevertheless,
I can fight back on that,
because I rang
a friend of mine
last night who works for Sony,
who said, basically,
if you plug a record
of the week and play it,
home and dry!
You can make an artist,
even at your age!
It's one of
the very few things
I can do at my age now.
Could you break an artist?
-Well, I...
-People like Peter Andre,
for instance.
I'd like to see him smashed.
Oh, I thought
you meant break them...
No, no, smash them!
Smash them into smithereens.
Get them out of
the public consciousness
with his waxed chest!
Could you do that for me?
If I said, "Pretty please"?
There's many a thing
I would do for you,
but Peter Andre
is a very, very dear
personal friend of mine.
How do I know that
to be rubbish?
Uh, Eurovision Song Contest.
No, I never talk about that.
Unfortunately, I do! Um...
You said it was corrupt.
I didn't, really.
What I said...
I didn't say
it wasn't corrupt either!
The thing is that
when you see two countries
that have been
at each other's throats
for hundreds of years,
-since the fall
of the Ottoman Empire...
-Hmm.
...and who've only just
stopped having a war
with each other,
giving each other
douze points,
you have to ask the question,
"Is the voting
completely above board?"
I'm here to tell you,
"I'm sorry.
I don't believe it."
What surprises me
about your views
on the Eurovision Song Contest
is that you're
surprised by this.
I...
'Cause we have, you know,
there's a European
Car of the Year award
made every year,
where every single year,
Fiat wins.
Because the Italians
can only vote for Fiat.
Yeah. It is relevant to
the Eurovision Song Contest.
Italy haven't taken part
in the Eurovision Song Contest
for some years now.
-Have they not?
-No.
Because they left in a pet
about 10 years ago
'cause they didn't win.
But have you ever heard
Italian music?
-Shocking!
-Well, all...
I mean, Vivaldi was all right,
but then, you know,
after that...
The whole European
music...
See, the thing about
the Eurovision is
it doesn't reflect
any national tastes
in popular music.
Spanish popular music
is quite modern.
French popular music,
quite modern.
But when it gets
to Eurovision time,
they decide that they
have to have a song
that reflects national pride
and dignity.
So the Spaniards
will always have
a touch of flamenco in it,
and, uh, people
stamping their feet.
All that kind of stuff.
And who's gonna vote for that?
Well, now you're...
I hope you don't mind
my saying, really,
the original grumpy old man.
What is it that
baffles you most
on the road, then?
So many things.
One of the things
that disappoints me
on the show is that
-when the M4 bus lane
was first painted...
-Ah, grand work.
...you were a champion
of having it torn up.
You've just dropped it
as though...
Because I don't travel
on the M4 any more. I...
Who can?
No, you... But the thing is,
it's still there!
-But what can I do?
-And people go,
-"Yeah, there's a bus lane
on the M4."
-But...
Don't people realise
the unbelievable stupidity
of that?
Listen! Listen!
Nobody cares what you think!
I know! Which is why...
I know!
I know!
So why don't you...
They don't care
what I think either!
-They do!
-No! No!
-They do! They do!
-Let me tell you
a little-known fact
that is true.
The man who was in charge
of the bus lane on the M4...
Was fat!
And received an honour
from the Queen last year.
They gave him an OBE.
-Well, Prescott
was responsible.
-The man...
No. The technocrat
or whoever it was...
The man with the red paint.
The man who was in charge
of the whole idea,
and put it into place,
and running the show smoothly,
he got an OBE for that.
Well, it is...
It's always empty.
Certainly no buses on it.
It's on the outside lane!
Exactly. And how do you
put bus stops
when it's the outside lane?
How do people get there?
-How can you flag down
a bus from the central...
-It's all right.
You've never seen a bus on it.
-There isn't.
-No, no. And...
Another thing, matri...
Matri...
Matrixes.
-Matri.
-Matri...ces.
Signs. Signs.
Those signs over the motorway.
Why do they expect anybody
to believe anything they say?
When they're up there,
sometimes for as much...
A week.
Fog.
-You see that RSPB thing,
though...
-Oh?
The Royal Society
for the Prevention of Birds.
Protection of Birds!
Yes, them! That's the one!
They're the ones...
Don't know why I said that.
Protection of Birds!
They are...
They are the quango
to end them all.
-They didn't say...
-Whenever they need
a few quid,
they come up
with something like,
"The osprey is missing!
"Oh, well, we'd better get
some money for that, then!"
And now, the thing is,
the commoner garden house
sparrow, disappearing.
Why?
"We think there are
less bugs about."
So, what do we do?
Get out of your car
and kill as many bugs
as you can!
This means there'll be
even less sparrows!
They do. They want us
to count how many bugs
there are splattered
on our number plates.
Have you ever heard
anything so ridiculous
in all your life?
So, there's how many
there are by how many
you've killed?
Yeah. You killed...
The birds need them.
You're killing them.
They tell you
to go and kill them.
Do you swerve
to avoid rabbits?
-Never. Do you?
-No.
-Foxes?
-No!
No?
-Children?
I do. I do, children, yeah.
I have swerved
to avoid children before.
You see, you see,
you're too soft for this game!
Deer. What about a nice...
What about Bambi
standing there?
Oh! Terrific!
It can take your chassis away,
'cause they're big...
You have to watch it, though,
'cause they might
come up and over.
There's a 50-50 chance
with a deer, really,
that you're gonna go...
You know the rule, that
if you do knock down a
deer, you have to drive
on,
but the next fella
coming along
can pick it up,
put it in the boot
and have it for dinner.
-Is that true?
-Yeah.
-Well, you can't eat one
if you run it over?
-No. No.
The first person
to run it over
has to go on their way.
The second person
discovering it
dead on the road,
has it for din.
You see, I had no idea,
this is a motoring rule
which has passed me by.
I'm feeling remiss.
It may well be something
I've made up. I don't know.
-Oh.
Uh, cars.
You've had the Rollers,
obviously. 'Cause I know...
You say that as if
you don't like Rollers.
You don't like a Roller.
You think it's a bit of
a Jack The Lad car, do you?
No, it was the pro-celebrity
golfer thing.
-It was the time...
-I used to play in that.
Exactly.
And you had a Roller,
and that was what
really went along.
I had a Roller, yeah!
Did you have a pink
V-neck jumper?
I might have had.
Anyway,
you've got no Roller now.
No, I've got a Bentley.
Ooh! Which one?
The Arnage Red R.
Now, you see,
that's a nice car.
Don't you patronise
my Bentley!
I'm not! It's a brilliant car!
It's a fantastic car,
but would it stood you
in good stead on the track?
Yeah. 'Cause it would have
been about 10 times faster
than the little crappy car
that I was driving.
True enough. True enough.
Who'd like to see Terry's lap?
-Not me.
-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Okay. Run the tape.
Here we go.
CLARKSON: That's some
wheel spin. That was
a very energetic start.
Oh, yeah. My word!
What a face.
Let's go as fast as we can
this time for the final fling!
CLARKSON:
That's not that fast, Terry,
if I might be so bold,
and nor is that.
It may not look fast.
It's deceptive.
CLARKSON:
That's not deceptive,
it's just not fast.
WOGAN:
It is extremely fast for me!
CLARKSON: Your window's down.
I'm a speed king.
CLARKSON: That's not
a very speed king-y...
That is extremely fast!
CLARKSON: Funnily enough,
Jodie Kidd adopted
a similar technique
of sticking close to the...
Oh, here's the Hammerhead.
-And she was very fast but...
That was...
That was not a wheel,
that was me screaming.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Nobody's going to
die in this car,
I promise you that.
I have never been
so bored in my life.
He said, "This is
a very, very wide thing,
you don't need to brake."
I'll be the judge of that.
CLARKSON: Okay.
Here we come up
to the last corner now.
Braking, no need for that. You weren't going fast enough. Round it.
WOGAN: I was...
I virtually mowed down
several cameramen.
I imagine it'll be probably
up there somewhere.
CLARKSON: What?
The 1:47 sort of thing?
Or are you being
more realistic?
Maybe a 1:49, 1:50?
Quite frankly, if I do better
than Richard Whiteley,
I'll figure
I've done quite well.
Terry Wogan...
You sounded like
Eamonn Andrews there.
I thought you were gonna say,
"This is your life".
I'm not.
Although it was a lifetime
watching that lap.
-Terry Wogan...
-Yes?
Two minutes...
-No!
You're hoping
I don't say more than 2:06,
-'cause that would be
worse than Whiteley.
-Yeah.
-You're safe. It's 2:04.
-Oh!
Damn quick.
I'm not certain
that round of applause
was entirely justified.
-I wasn't going all out.
- You can
say that again.
But, Terry, it's been a joy
having you here.
-How kind.
-Man after my own heart.
I loved it!
Ladies and gentlemen...
-Thank you.
-...Terry Wogan!
Okay. Okay, now, this week,
we're looking at cars
that we don't actually
get in this country.
Which is why, earlier on,
Jeremy drove that weird
Japanese Cube, sort of,
van-bag thing,
which I don't think
we really want anyway.
No, I think we're sort of...
We're pretty well sorted
with silly little
Japanese cars.
Yes, we are.
As many small hatches
as we need.
However, I thought there might
be a little gap in the market
for executive saloons.
You see,
it used to be very easy.
You just went straight
to the Germans.
But in recent years,
something's gone a bit wrong.
The new 5 Series from BMW
is kinda weird.
The Audi A6
has grown a goatee.
And the Mercedes E-Class
is just, well, dull.
And that's why I'm in Holland.
I haven't come here
to score some drugs
to make the E-Class
look more exciting.
I've come here
to look at this.
HAMMOND:
It's the new Cadillac,
the CTS.
Pretty soon,
they'll be selling this car
here in Holland.
And in France. And Germany.
And all across Europe.
But not in Britain.
That's not really surprising
because the last Cadillac
to be sold in the United
Kingdom was the STS.
And that was rubbish.
And I do mean rubbish.
It handled and looked
like a pig.
There was no reason
for that car to be on sale
in Great Britain at all.
But this new one
is much more intriguing.
Look at that pointy face.
Scary.
And all these unusual
creases and slashes.
You see, Cadillac realised
its average owner
was 112 years old.
And so,
they had to do something
to frighten them off.
It's either that
or they've already put
all the dents into them
that they'll pick up
eventually in a Florida
rest home anyway.
But the other thing
that will scare the old folk
is this...
The pace.
3.2-litre V6,
220 brake horsepower.
0-60 in 7.6 seconds.
It's got a fantastic
automatic gearbox.
Even though this is gonna be
the first Cadillac ever
to be put on sale
with the option
of a manual one.
It probably pulls really well
up hills, but...
We're in Holland, so, uh,
you know...
So, it's so far,
so surprising.
But that doesn't
earn it a place
over on our shores, yet.
First, it's got to
take on this.
The corner. The corner
is as strange to Americans
as a small meal
or a president who can spell.
American cars run off and cry
when they see one.
Okay, so here we go,
approaching a corner.
Don't be scared.
Amazing!
It's gone round the corner
at more than
five miles an hour
without jumping into a bush.
But it's better than that.
Turn off the traction control,
and all of a sudden...
...you can do a lot more!
Whee! There we go!
This thing isn't bad!
And it's American!
That's amazing!
It could almost be
a BMW 5 Series
for 3 Series money.
Because if the CTS
did come to Britain,
it would only cost 25 grand.
But sadly, it's in here
where everything really does
start to come unravelled.
The last time I saw
plastics like this,
it contained Tic Tacs.
It is dreadful.
But that's not really
a surprise. The Americans
just don't get luxury.
To them,
luxury is just making
something bigger.
It was just too much
to expect Americans
to do quality and corners.
And then there's some
good old-fashioned stupidity
in action.
For instance,
the handbrake release
is a small black
plastic lever down here
to my left.
The bonnet release
is a small black plastic lever
down here to my left
about an inch away.
You can see what's coming.
The routine is start engine,
into gear, here we go.
But two annoying flies
in a jar of otherwise
very pleasant ointment
are not enough to put me off.
The CTS is also working
very hard to be cool.
This car has been
inThe Matrix
andBad Boys II.
Cadillac is shaking off
its image of Bob Hope
in golf trousers.
In fact, the average age
of a Cadillac owner has now dropped from 65 to 59.
Well, it's a start.
The CTS isn't just
a good, American car,
but it's a good car.
Full stop.
This time, the Cadillac
deserves a ship's passage
to Blighty.
-No, it doesn't.
-What?
I don't want a Cadillac.
-Why not?
-Cadillacs are for pimps
and pensioners,
and that's an end of it.
That's gonna be great,
they're gonna put
a big V8 in it
and do a V version.
It'll be cool.
Don't care.
Don't like any American car.
Now you're just being silly
all-sweeping about it.
-They're badly made. Listen.
-Just sounds...
-That sounds like
a wheelie bin.
-Yeah.
-And that... Plastic.
-Wheelie bin.
-Yeah.
They're badly made out of
very, very cheap materials.
All American cars
are the same.
All right, well, look,
this brings us on to
what we want to do now,
which is look further
at this evening's theme
of cars we don't get.
And over here,
we've had a very good idea.
We've got a pile of cars
that we don't get over here
and we've got two dustbins.
In this one are gonna go
the cars...
This is sophisticated,
this is.
And this one,
the cars we don't want.
-Exactly.
-Okay, and I'm gonna start
with another American car.
And it's this,
the Pontiac Solstice.
-Yeah?
-It's fantastic!
Look at that little two-door,
two-seated coupe!
Your reason why that...
What do you reckon of that?
Can you see that?
That's a nice-looking
little car, isn't it?
What do you think?
-Nice car.
-Looks like a TVR.
The chap here's got the point.
It looks like a TVR.
The reason it looks good,
Richard, is,
because it looks European!
-Fine...
-But the difference is,
the difference is
it has a 2.4 litre engine
from which the Americans
have managed to extract
170 brake horsepower!
-You're being...
-170 brake horsepower
from 2.4 litres!
We don't want that. No way.
While you're on the subject
of Pontiac, okay?
Yes.
HAMMOND: Ah! I was really
hoping you wouldn't do that.
-This is the Pontiac Aztec.
-Yes.
This has a 3.4 litre engine!
185 brake horsepower!
I will concede it looks like
a badly built conservatory.
It's horrendous.
It is absolutely shocking.
This is the sort of rubbish...
Look at that. Look at it.
-WOMAN: That's awful.
-Awful?
Absolutely terrible.
Ugly. Exactly.
We don't want that.
All right,
another American car.
You've got to
let this one through.
It's the Hummer, the H2.
You drove this
on the programme.
You said you loved it.
-We'll have one of them.
-Okay.
In fact, while I'm at it,
here's another one.
Another American car.
The new Mustang. Now, come on!
-That you've got to want.
-You want that?
-That's magnificent!
-You want that?
MAN 1: No, I don't like it.
MAN 2: No.
-MAN 3: No.
-No? You don't want it?
Anyone here want the Mustang?
Anybody sensible here?
-MAN 4: Absolutely, yes.
-You'd like the Mustang?
-Yeah. Give to
me. -You're...
-Dutch?
-Yes, I'm Dutch.
Your opinion
is worthless here.
-What do you reckon?
-I prefer the old one.
You prefer the old one.
But nevertheless,
the problem is,
it is already old.
This looks fabulous,
has a live rear axle
just like a Morris Marina!
So, here, in a civilised
part of the world,
that's a no.
-What about this?
-That's cool.
CLARKSON: This, it's...
This is the Pontiac, what's
it... No, the Chevrolet SSR.
-That rocks!
-Okay.
-Now, this is a pickup truck.
-Yes.
Which has got a roof
like a Mercedes SLK
that kinda folds away.
-It's cool.
-You'd drive that,
would you?
-Yes. I do.
-You live in Gloucestershire?
And you'd drive around
in a purple convertible
pickup truck?
Not a purple one obviously...
No, no. I'm sorry,
that's a no.
Interestingly enough,
it's not just American,
there are some
European cars that we
don't get over here,
that don't make it
over the Channel.
I've got a car we don't get.
It's from Lancia.
The name is the Thesis,
which isn't a bad name, that's
not the problem with the car.
The problem is this.
Look at it!
It's hideous!
They've looked
at the S-Type Jag
and gone, "Nice".
"Good look. Yeah."
"We'll have
a grille like that."
And they've messed it up
'cause they've got
one off a Riley,
-by the looks of things.
-It's an absolute howler!
There is one European car
that is interesting.
-That.
-It's all right.
Yep. It's a Renault Logan,
okay. It's made in Romania.
And this is on sale
throughout Eastern Europe,
and the Uk-stan
sort of countries.
-And...
Do you know how much it costs,
before you laugh?
-Go on.
-£3,200.
How do they do that?
It's got no electric windows,
no power steering, no stereo,
no central locking.
It is just a car.
Basically, it's what
we want from phones.
-What?
-All you want
from a mobile phone
is it to be full of
mobile phone technology.
I don't want to be able to
video my genitals and show
them on Italian Internet.
You're showing
your age again, Jeremy.
I don't want that!
The point is,
I reckon there's a huge number
of people in this country
that would buy a car
for 3,200 quid,
have nothing on, just a car.
-No, I think
we should have that.
-Yeah.
We should definitely
have that one. Good.
Okay, that's sorted, right.
Now, last year, we showed you
how you can run your car
on chip pan fat.
Well, I got wondering,
"What about poo?"
Could you run your car
on one of those?
There's a lot of
frightening stuff talked about
the world's energy resources.
"Ooh, they'll all
run out tomorrow
"and we'll have to live
in caves and eat soil,"
that sort of thing.
Thankfully, Top Gear
has the answer.
And she's called Mabel.
HAMMOND:
Cows are amazing creatures.
Not only do they
give us milk and burgers,
but every day a single cow
produces 50 kilograms of poo.
And poo gives off methane.
It's a cheap,
endless supply of energy.
It's a basic fuel,
and in theory,
it can be used to run a car.
I think you can see
where this is going.
We needed to find out
if you can run a car
on number twos.
Which is why we're here
at a slurry farm.
Here's how the process works.
The cow does a poo.
The poo is scooped up
and put into a special tank
called a digester.
It's a bit like a brewing kit,
and it turns the poo
into compost
for spreading on fields.
Whilst it's in the digester,
the poo generates
lots of methane gas.
And normally, the methane
given off by this process
goes to waste.
But not today.
We're keeping the gas
and feeding it
into this compressor
which squashes it
to make it more dense
so that it will fit
into a car tank.
Now, the car has already
been converted
to run on compressed
natural gas.
Which means it should go for this methane.
Probably.
So here it is,
the world's first
cow poo-powered car,
and to see if it works,
we're gonna have a drag race
against this identical Rover
running on
old-fashioned petrol.
We've also got a third car,
one which runs on methane
extracted from human waste.
Are mankind's number twos
faster than cow flatulence?
In theory,
methane should be methane.
But never let it be said
that we are not thorough
in our science.
This is it.
In just a few moments,
we might be about
to change the world.
Here we go.
That's it! It works!
We are running on poo!
Come on! Poo power!
I'm second. Oh, no!
Petrol's romping away!
People poo is beating cow poo!
No!
Come on!
Useless cow!
I am frankly amazed
that no big oil company
has built a refinery
to harness the power
of cow pat!
Well, they haven't, so...
Right, so if you
want to do this,
we have to do it
in a sort of self-sufficient,
good-life way, yeah?
-Yeah, if you want to,
yeah, would.
-Okay.
How much is a cow?
About 700 quid.
Okay. Now, I'm gonna need
about 1,500 litres
of fuel a year,
-how many cows do I need?
-You'll need about
four cows, okay?
Eight times four.
To be honest,
this is ridiculous, James,
because cows cost
a fortune to run.
It's about 545 quid a year,
and then you need land,
six acres,
which is about 300 quid.
And then you'll have
to buy the digester
and all the rest of it,
which is about 1,500.
Trust me, it doesn't...
It was just a joke
I was playing.
Actually, it is beginning
to look pretty expensive.
Yes, and then
you got depreciation.
No, cows don't depreciate.
But I'll tell you
what they do do, though,
they make milk.
How much milk
do you get from a cow?
You're a yokel. Come on.
About 1,200 quid
per cow per year.
All right, times four.
It's... It's not that simple
to be honest, May.
-Yes, it is.
-It's not a sensible idea.
-Right. 1,500 litres of petrol
costs now 1,500 quid.
-Yes.
1,500 litres of poo power,
you're only 30 quid down!
-No!
-You are a genius.
No! You've got it all wrong
because you have to have
a milking parlour
and somebody to milk the cows,
and then you've got to have
a field full of cow pats,
so you've got to
gather up and put it.
It doesn't work, mate.
It was a joke. I'm sorry.
Leave it.
-How much is four humans?
-Leave it! It doesn't work.
Okay, now,
as we heard earlier,
Renaults aren't the most
beautifully made cars
that money can buy,
but they have been working
over the last few years
to make their cars
as safe as humanly possible.
So, the new Espace
has a five-star safety rating.
The new Megane, unbelievably,
has a five-star safety rating.
The new Laguna
has a five-star safety rating.
And the new Clio...doesn't.
CLARKSON: What they've done
is taken the old Clio 172
and added 10 more
brake horsepower
to create the Clio 182.
So, that's 182
brake horsepower
in a car that's small enough
to be a slipper.
It is hugely fast.
0-60 takes seven seconds,
and it keeps on going
all the way to 140.
Of course, as we found
with the very first Golf GTI,
putting loads of power
in a little car
does affect
its cornering habits.
Push, and it turns
into a tripod.
This looks insane,
and that's because
this car just is.
The whole drive train
feels as though
it's coming from
a tunnel-boring machine.
It feels rough and industrial.
Then there's the noise,
which never really goes away.
Even if you put it in
fifth gear and slow down
to 30 miles an hour,
it's still...
I think this could probably
get wearisome after a while.
Trying to control
this bucking,
three-legged bronco
with blood pouring
out of your ears
is hard enough.
But it's made harder still
by the driving position.
The steering wheel
is far too large,
you can't get your feet on
the pedals if your shoe size
is more than a nine.
And then,
there's the seat itself.
You sit bolt upright,
and if you move the lever,
there, you go flat
on your back.
I think probably on balance,
it's better to go for the
bolt upright option.
Still, this isn't
the end of the world,
because the car will almost
certainly fall apart
before it makes you
deaf and mad.
The cheapness of this thing
beggars belief.
I mean, you wouldn't
fit carpet like that
in a student bedsit.
And if you tilt this forward,
you can see painted
metal, exposed
screw heads,
and this, the parcel shelf,
couldn't be less flimsy
if they'd made it
out of tracing paper!
Then there's the boot lid,
which I think they did make
out of tracing paper.
In the front,
you think, "Ah, yes! But
I've got strips of aluminium.
"It's as well-made
as Zurich airport."
But it isn't. It's plastic.
And so is this.
And so is that.
You get the impression,
this really isn't
a quality product.
So, badly made, noisy,
bit ungainly, uncomfortable
and cheap.
Things are not looking good,
but they're about
to pick up a bit.
You see, the Clio feels cheap
because it is cheap.
It's only £14,700,
and it's impossible
to go faster than this
for less.
Even with
the Pac-A-Mac plastics
and dog-kennel carpeting,
it is good value.
And it gets better,
because for £200 extra
you can have
what's called the cup pack.
This gives you better tyres,
better suspension,
and these eight-spoke
alloy wheels.
Inside, lots more is on offer.
Air conditioning, CD,
sat nav, cruise control,
a trip computer.
This, then, is no stripped-out road rocket. Far from it.
It is amazingly comfortable.
Even with the firm
suspension, it just glides
over bumps and potholes.
But the best thing about it
is its character.
The thing is, nobody gets
a job in the car industry
because they want
to make safe cars.
So, all the time those
poor souls at Renault
have been beavering away
with their crumple zones
and their air bags,
there's been this pressure
building up
for them to go berserk
and make something that's mad.
And you can sense that,
you can feel the excitement
in this car.
It's kind of like
a Motown pop song, really.
Tinny, short, quick,
uncomplicated.
Nothing like Verdi's Requiem.
Three minutes, bish bash bosh,
big smile on your face,
the end.
Yes, it's riddled with faults.
Yes, the exhaust system
goes through
the spare wheel well,
so there's no spare wheel.
Yes, it's badly made
and a bit mental,
but none of this matters.
For one very good reason.
It makes you feel
happy.
You know what? In many ways,
this car reminds me of
that Rover MG ZT 260
we had on last week,
loads of faults,
but really, really lovable.
Yeah, you just love it.
I know what you mean,
and I've thought about that
Rover a bit, and I reckon,
bear with me,
that that Rover is like
a 14-year-old collie dog.
You know the kind,
a bit whiffy, a bit old.
-Couple of warts.
-Deaf.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Sits in the corner,
faithful old friend.
You couldn't
shoot it in the face.
-Oh, no!
No, no, no, you couldn't.
-No, exactly.
This isn't like that.
-No.
-If you stick with
the dog thing...
-Please do.
...this would basically
jump up at visitors
and get mud
all down their trousers,
and dig big holes in the lawn.
-It's a little puppy.
-It is a puppy car dog!
You'd leave it
in the garage at night
and you'd put down
squares of newspaper,
and then in the morning,
there'll be a little pile
in the bit
that you hadn't put
the newspaper on.
-You couldn't smack it.
-No! With its little face!
It would do the ears.
It should have two ears.
-Little cockeye that...
-Fitted as standard, yeah.
And it would go bury
its instruction manual
in the garden.
That's what it would do.
And then you'd open
the door to the vicar,
and there would be the Clio
clamped to his leg!
-And you couldn't...
He's a puppy!
-I'm sorry, it's my Clio!
Anyway, um,
obviously it needs to be
house trained.
And luckily, we have
just the man for that.
Bring him on.
Barbara Stighouse!
CLARKSON: Okay.
He's scrabbling off the line.
Trashing control
computer is off
leaving just the raw
processing power
of the Stig's foot.
-First bend, tyres squeal,
as he loads up
the right front wheel.
Very, very cleanly
out of there.
Shocking music,
pelting into Chicago.
That is unbelievably neat!
Not just 182 brake horsepower, the Clio also has
nearly 150 torque,
so it really lugs
out of the bends.
Hammerhead normally shows up
front-wheel drive cars.
This one, though, has got special Michelin Exalto tyres.
They were actually developed
specially for this car, and clearly, they are working.
This car has the
power-to-weight ratio of 168
brake horsepower per tonne.
Same as a Lotus Elise.
This is looking very good.
And there he is, cocking
his little wheel there,
waiting for the vicar to come.
And across the line
in one minute 33.8,
-which, actually,
is pretty good.
-That's not bad.
It's only half a second off
that 3.2 litre Golf Labrador.
And way faster
than the mad dog,
Alfa 147 GTA.
Rabid thing that is.
That's not bad
for a little puppy.
No. Very, very good.