Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Hammond and May Try Mini-Cabbing - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,
James and Richard

try their hand at minicabbing.

Roger, thank you.

I drive a smoking jacket
from Holland.

-And a tug-of-war team

takes on the torque-iest
car in the world.

Hello, and welcome to this
£145,000 Mercedes Benz.

Uh, now, David Beckham,
if you're watching,
you can't have one. Okay?

In fact, you can't
have any new cars,

and no new hairstyles
and no new tattoos.

All we want from you
for the next two years
until the World Cup



is for you to practise
taking penalties.

Right, now,
let's get on with it,

find out what
this thing's like.

CLARKSON:
From the outside, this looks
like an ordinary Mercedes CL.

Good-looking, cool, nice car.

And with a broken headlamp,

even on this
press demonstrator

we can see it's built like
an ordinary Mercedes, too.

It even has the
traditional Mercedes
voice-activated computer

which doesn't understand
a blind word you're on about.

Let me show you.

Dial number.

COMPUTER: Dialling.

I haven't told you
what to dial yet!



Dial number.

The number, please.

0, 1, 7, 8, 5.

0, 7, 8, 5.

No, you missed the one.

-Pardon?
-You missed the one.

The number is deleted.
Please continue.

See what I mean?

2, 0, 2.

Where did that come from?

-Pardon?

And so it goes on.

CLARKSON: Despite
appearances, though, this is
not an ordinary Mercedes CL.

What it is, is the most
powerful production car

in the world.

Mercedes has taken
its six-litre V12 engine,

which is not the kind of thing
you find in a motorised
pepper grinder,

and upped it to 6.5 litres.

And then they added not one,
but two turbo chargers.

The end result is
738 foot-pounds of torque.

God didn't have that much
when he made the world!

Whoa!

Of course,
there are a few problems,

like getting it from
0-60, for instance.

I've got all those torques

and all that latent rage
pent up under the bonnet.

So, let me show you
now what happens

when you try to
get the car rolling.

Into drive.

Ready?

Eventually,
you do start to move,

but only after your tyres
have been transferred
from the wheels

onto the road.

'Course, you can stop
that happening by turning
on the traction control.

Great, but all this does
is rein the engine in.
Slow it down.

So, why have all the
power in the first place?

And there's a similar
problem with the top speed.

To keep the Green Party happy,

all the main German car
companies have an agreement

that none of them will
make a car that goes
faster than 155 mph.

So, despite the
volcanic power in here,

it's no faster at the top end
than any other Merc or BMW
or Audi.

So, if the top speed's
governed by a
gentleman's agreement,

and the acceleration from
0-60 by the laws of physics,

what's the point of this car?

Cheaper, smaller engine
versions are just as quick,

except when it comes to
the business of overtaking.

Right, we've snuck up
behind the Peugeot.

Oh, I've got 50 feet,
that's plenty of space.

There we go!

Hold the camera steady.

Two cars to get by here.
Ready...

Here we go. Whoo!

And one, two, three seconds,
we're passed both of them.

See this back rest?
There's more examples
of Mercedes build quality.

Still doesn't matter,
we'll just pin it back with
the power. Here we go again!

And that's the amazing thing,

when you're going
30 mph, it goes...

...and when you're going 130,
it goes... .

And that's the
only difference!

Of course, underneath the
pretty body, everything's
had to be toughened up.

The drive shafts are
made from granite.

The computer-guided suspension
has been reprogrammed,

and you have the sort of
brakes used to stop tanks.

You have to doff your
cap to Mercedes

because they
have done an incredible job.

I mean, you put your
foot down, no drama, no fuss,

no real noise and boof,
you're in Arbroath!

It is hysterically fast.

The thing is, though,
that most people who
buy cars this powerful

like them to look
sensational as well.

And this doesn't.

Because it's so like an
ordinary Mercedes,

your friends will never know
about the monstrous power
that lurks within.

And that means you're gonna
have to clear your throat
and tell them.

CLARKSON: Hello!

Excuse me! Hello.

You in the red top!

I've had a look 'round
the car park

and I couldn't help
noticing that my car

is considerably more
powerful than all of yours!

How about that?

I don't want to be entirely
negative about this car,

because I must admit,

I do derive a certain
boyish thrill from its
huge power reserves.

That sense that no matter what
comes up behind you,

you can simply blow
it into the weeds.

Shouldn't enjoy that,
but I do.

Secretly, I love this car.

I know the quality's
appalling, as usual with
Mercedes these days,

and I know it's
daft and pointless,
but so is a tequila slammer.

Doesn't stop you enjoying one
from time to time,
now, does it?

So, that thing, then,
is more powerful

than the Mclaren Mercedes SLR
and the Porsche Carrera GT?

-Yeah, it is. And...
-That's amazing.

And they're putting
this engine in the SL now,

-and I think that will be
capable of time travel.
-Quite possibly.

If you can get it
to move at all,
as you demonstrated.

See, that is the issue.

You see, you can put as
much power as you like
under the bonnet,

-and they have put
as much power...
-They have.

...as they like,
under the bonnet, but

that power has to
get onto the road.

And you've only got the bit
where the tyres actually touch
the road, and look!

-Look!
-It's nothing, is it?

You could fit that contact
patch from both tyres

onto a piece of A4 paper.

-All that power,
just that little bit.
-Yeah.

And that really is the
whole problem with this

German horsepower race
that's been going on.

-It all starts with... It is.
-It's a civil war! Yeah.

It started with
the BMW M5, 400 bhp.

-Audi joined in with 473 bhp.
-Yeah.

And then VW recently,
of course,

with that twin-turbo charged
W12 and the Continental GT.

-552 bhp.
-Exactly.

So really, this, then, is now
the chief tyre-shredder.

Yup.
This is currently in the lead,

and that really brings
us on to a big and
important question.

It's on the lips
of the nation.
I can feel it.

How many people
do you suppose it
would take to beat this

in a tug-of-war competition?

-Any thoughts?

200 people?

300 people? 1,000 people?

Well, according to the
scientific boffs who work
behind the scenes on Top Gear,

-they reckon it could be
beaten by just eight.
-That's stupid.

So, they asked me to
go out there and find out.

Personally, I think it's a
silly idea, but there we go.

Let's see what happens.

Push. Push. Push, tight. Push.
Push!

MEN: Push! Push!

That's big torque.

As soon as they'd pulled me
onto the wet grass,

I'd had it!

What? Come on.

-Seriously, was that real?
-Seriously.

Seriously, that was the
Norton tug-of-war team
from Stoke-on-Trent.

They're European champions and
they're not even heavyweights,
and they did it,

and I was on tarmac,
and they were on grass.

-And I gave it full power.
-I can't believe it.

You didn't... You were
really giving it everything?

Yeah, I know. You saw the
wheels were spinning,

and as soon as they start to
do that, they had me...

-...easy peasy.
-Eight blokes against 612 bhp.

-Exactly.
-They must each have, like,
about 80 horsepower each.

Absolutely, so the conclusion
that we can draw from
what we've done today,

is that if you're looking
to buy the torquiest car
in the world,

buy eight burly blokes.

And now, the news.

And the news is,
the new BMW M5.
Here it is, look.

That's gonna be available
from the beginning of next
year at about £60,000.

V10 engine, 507 horsepower,
which, interestingly,

is about 31 more than its
Mercedes rival, the E55.

'Course, being a new BMW,
not the best-looking
car in the world,

but there has never been,
I think I'm right in saying,
a bad M5.

-No. No such thing. Yeah.
-I think you're right.

-In fact, it'll be brilliant.
-It will be very, very good.

Right, the new Audi A6.
We've actually got one here
in the studio, just out.

It's marginally bigger
than the last one.

Five inches longer and
about two inches wider.

Prices start at £24,500
rising to about

-£43,000.
-Yes, and the power?

-The power is... Well, this is
the most powerful one here.

4.2 litre, V8, 330 bhp.

-MAY: What a bunch of fairies.
-HAMMOND: I know!

-CLARKSON: How did
it get here?
-MAY: It's pathetic.

How did it get here with
such a miserable amount
of horsepower?

-What if there'd been a hill?
-Exactly.

-That's a French
power output, that is.
-It is pitiful. However,

they've thought of everything
else but the power.

The list must have been pretty
long, because they've actually
got to the point

where on this car,
I kid you not,

you can change the pitch
of the reversing warning beep.

Um, oh, now,

hey, can I just say,
while we were off air,

um, some scientists
at Lancaster University
announced that a train

uses more fuel than a car.

-Well, of course it does,
it's enormous.
-Yeah.

Thing is, though,
they've worked out
that an intercity train

uses more fuel per passenger,

even when it's full,
than a car.

So, in other words, a car

is more environmentally
friendly than a train.

This is a fact.
It's not conjecture.

And what's more, you know
the new really fast trains
that are coming along?

The one's that'll do 200 mph.

They use more fuel per
passenger than an airliner.

-So, trains are rubbish,
then, pretty much.
-Trains are rubbish.

If you want to save
the planet, don't go on one.

No, go in your car.

The marvellous
thing is, though, is that

having been presented
with this evidence

that trains aren't as
environmentally friendly,

or as economical as we
had been led to believe,

you would imagine
environmentalists would say,

"Crikey, thanks for
the heads up.
We must shift emphasis,

"get everyone in their cars,"
but no.

Friends of the Earth,
and I've got the quote here,

have now said,
as a result of this,

"The greenest journey is
one that isn't made at all."

HAMMOND:
Oh! For crying out loud!

-Well, that's just ridiculous.
-How far do you think
mankind would have got

-if nobody had ever
made a journey?

Exactly. That's stupid.

-It would have been
Scott of the Attic.
-MAY:

I found the source
of the Amazon.
It was under the dining table.

Oh, there's another thing.

You know in the
run-up to Euro 2004,

a lot of people believed that
David Beckham had done
some practise,

uh, and been,
you know, training.

And they put flags on their
cars to kind of show their
support for the team,

'cause we were in
with a shout, we thought,
anyway, of winning.

While everyone
had flags on their cars,

somebody has
done some research

on how much drag that created.

-I'm not joking.
-That's...

Yeah, seriously. He said
you'd lose with two flags,
4 bhp.

Uh, and that means that in the
run-up to the tournament,

4.5 million gallons of
fuel was wasted...

-By flags?
-...by people flying flags.

-That...
-I actually know the
man who did this survey.

Okay?
I will spare him his blushes,

I won't say his name,
but I will tell you,
he has face hair.

Okay? So I've done
a calculation of my own.

If a moustache weighs two
grams, and we think it does.

-Sounds fair enough.

So, if you get into
a Ford Fiesta,

you will increase its
weight by 0.0000036%.

-With you.
-Which means that you'll
increase the fuel consumption

complicated equation here,

by 0.000083
miles to the gallon.

So, over a year,
normal mileage,

your moustache is costing
you an extra £5 in fuel.

It's costing £5 to run
a moustache for the year?

That is the kind of
information you simply
don't get on other shows.

This is a service!

And furthermore, furthermore,
Bill Oddie, David Bellamy,

their beards are
killing the planet.

Yeah,
all that weight in the beard.

They've gotta lose the beards,

and it's no good
them taking the train.

-No, 'cause they're
just wasting more fuel.
-They're wasting more fuel,

either have a shave or walk.

Look at David Attenborough.
He doesn't have a moustache.

He's a proper
environmentalist.

Now, you may have noticed
recently a new trend in
hatchback design,

cars like this VW here.

They are essentially
still hatchbacks

but they're a bit taller and
quite a lot more expensive.

Now, their makers will
tell you that they're
a lot more versatile,

a lot more practical,

and all the usual old tune.

But are they
actually any good?

Well, to find out, Hammond
and I had to subject them
to years' worth of hard abuse,

but we had one evening.

MAY: So, how were
we going to do that?

How were we going to
give them a lifetime's
use in half a day?

Easy. We're going to
take them minicabbing,
on a Friday night

in south London.

Our shift starts at
4:00 in the afternoon,

but it goes all the way
through to the fighting
and kebabs hour

of 1:00 in the morning.

So, let's have a look at the
minicabs that we'll be driving
for nine hours.

I'm going to start with
the Renault Scenic.

It's got five seats,
it's very well-equipped,

but it costs £18,500.

two grand more than the
equivalent Renault hatchback.

There are loads of
cubbyholes in here.
Some of them quite obvious,

such as this one,
and some not so obvious,

such as...

...this one.

And the centre console
can be made to slide
backwards and forwards,

so you can trade rear legroom
for cup holders.

And there's more.

There are three
individual rear seats.

They all slide, they all fold,
or they can all be removed
completely,

so that you can
moonlight as a van
with a helpful driver.

HAMMOND:
And this is Ford's version.

It's called the C-Max.
It's based on the next Focus

and it, too, has got
five seats and a
hefty price tag of £16,500.

It's a tall car,

presumably for tall people.

It seats five, but if
there's only four of you,

then the rear two seat
passengers have got a treat

because you can roll
that little seat forwards,

actually take that
out completely.

Then the outer two slide
backwards and together,
which is clever.

Then at the front,
there's the centre console.

It doesn't move
around or anything,

but it's like one
of those puzzles.

Open the top, and there's
a bit of storage space,

And then you open it up again,
and look, there's loads!

That's somewhere to sleep.

And then finally, this.

A kind of convex
bus driver's mirror

so you can see what the
kids are doing in the back.

I reckon that might
come in handy in my
night of minicabbing.

HAMMOND:
It's going to be a cold night,

which should be
good for business.

The minicab office
reckons it's going
to get about 150 calls.

Hello, car service.

468, where are you going?

HAMMOND: So, before we
clock on, we'd better fill up.
Minicab style.

That should do it.

And Wimbledon,
Palmerston Road.

Shall I tell you what really
amazes me about this?

When I went for the test,
I had to fill in a huge form

that said I hadn't
murdered anybody,
I wasn't psychotic...

-And you could drive a car.
-... I could drive a car.

I wasn't gonna overthrow
the British government,

and then I had a medical.
At no point did anybody,
issuing this,

-ask me if I had
a sense of direction!

MAY: Well, we'll soon
find out, 'cause here we go.

-DISPATCHER: UK-98,
are you ready?
-This is me.

DISPATCHER:
You want 333 Wimbledon
Park Road, two for Mary.

Roger. Thank you.

DISPATCHER: UK-99, you want
Replingham Road off
Merton Road.

Replingham Road?

Okay, here we go. Minicabbing.

MAY: Unlike Hammond's
minicab, my Renault
actually has sat nav,

but I'd be
cheating if I used it,
because A:

it's a £1,000 option and
no minicab would have it,
and B:

and it would mean I actually
knew where I was going.

So instead, I've got
a plastic stick-on compass,

and of course,
the trusty old A-Z,

which is now more like a B-Z.

I've got the heaters on,
really quite incredibly
furnace warm.

Left, then right.

-I think that's important.
-Cack!

MAY: Right the other way.

HAMMOND: Besides powerful
heaters, the C-Max also has
a cracking stereo.

Good enough to
find that station

that only seems
available in minicabs.

There we go, there we go.
Oh, yeah.

Right, this should
be it on the left.

It is, I've got to say,
a bit gloomy in here,

but there's loads of space.

If I got a call from control
right now,

saying the Pope needed
picking up from a nightclub,

no worries. Straight in here.

Mary?

HAMMOND: In truth,
I'm probably not the
one to test for headroom.

-But my first customer,
that was a different matter.
-I'm your cab.

-Now, you're really tall.
-I am.

-So...
-Do you wanna know
how tall I am, for stats?

-How tall are you? Go on.
-6'5" and a half.

I've got a slightly bad
feeling about this one.

And have you got room?

Well, I have a problem
with head room in a
lot of these cars.

And look, there's a little
bit of a headroom problem
here, but you know.

It's not bad.

HAMMOND: Are there any
perks to being a pathologist?

MAY: When I did
find my first fare,
she happened to be a fencer,

with a bag of
nice, long swords.

An ideal test, then,
for the Scenic.

Would its boot
swallow them up?

-No.
-No.

-Cheers, Mark.
-Nice to meet you.

My first fare.

Bet you James carries
their bags to the car.
"Let me do that for you."

-These are heavy.
-Um, a little bit, yes.

He does that for
people, anyway, to be honest.
And he'll open the door.

He's more your chauffeur
than your minicabber.

MAY: The swords, sadly,
had to go in the front.

Right, sorry about all that.
I'm a bit new to this.

I'm not a real minicabber.
I'm on TV, really.

This isn't my real job.

-Replingham Road. Okay.
-Thank you.

It's a Renault Scenic,

with very versatile seating.
You'll find if you grab
hold of the little lever

you can slide it
backwards and forwards.

-This?
-No, no, no.
That's the front armrest.

Replingham...
I was just there!

I've just turned 'round!

-Oh, cool!
-Is that cool?

-I'm just slightly worried...
-Yeah. You could turn it into
a big bed or something.

-Oh, God.
What if they're all drunk?

So, are you being recorded
so they can test if you would
be good as a presenter?

-No, no. I am a presenter.
Do you mind?
-Oh...

-Sorry, sorry.
-This isn't my real job.

Don't turn on me radio.
Or I'll be pissed off.

HAMMOND: At last,
a car full of people.

Including a couple of
burly rugby player types.

-WOMAN: Um, oh, right.
-Where are we going?

-Uh, Wandsworth Common.
-Um...

-Straight ahead!
-Oh, thank you.

HAMMOND: We're testing
this car as a minicab.
WOMAN: It's quite good.

It's quite...
It only takes four, though.

You've got loads of gadgets
on that steering wheel.

We've got, uh, stereo stuff.

-Is that for each seat?
Those, um...
-Yeah.

That's for him.

Yeah, my ass is burning off.

Yeah, because I left his
seat heater on five.

You see,
I thought that might...

-It was the wrong thing to do.

HAMMOND: So, they were
impressed by the seat heater.

But as for the space,
well, it was two in the back,
one in the front,

just like in an
ordinary hatchback.

I did get an
interesting tip, though.

-I've got some
Colston Bassett Stilton.
-That's very nice. Thank you.

Some Cashel Blue.

MAY: Now, The minicab
way of driving is a good
test of the car's engine,

because you go
everywhere in fifth gear.
All night.

But this isn't actually
a problem because

the Scenic is fitted with
a 1.9 litre diesel engine.

120 horsepower and very gutsy.

So, hours and hours
without changing gear at all.

HAMMOND: My C-Max
also has a diesel engine.

110 horsepower 1.6,

and is good, too,
if not quite as strong
as the Renault's.

I'll stick it in fifth.
Here we go. Yeah.

-Great, thank you.
-Hello, uh,
Capitol Minicab for John?

Okay, right. Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.

Is he coming?

HAMMOND: After several
hours minicabbing,

we'd learnt that
the Renault was the comfy one,

and the Ford was
the sporty one.

And we'd also learnt that
none of our passengers,

drunk, sober, short, or tall,

were blown away
by the interior space.

But on the key issue of
whether these MPVs were
more useful than hatchbacks,

James and I
were drifting apart.

The thing I find a bit
odd about this car

is that it costs about £2,000
more than a normal hatchback,

and I can't really see
the point of having it.
I mean, I quite like it,

it's smooth, it's comfortable,
but what am I actually
going to do with it?

Now, I know James is
gonna go on about
being a single bachelor

and he doesn't need the
space and all the rest of it,

but I've gotta say, I get it.
I do get it.

Because if you've gotta get
dogs and kids and everything
else in and out of a car,

having... Just having
big doors with a big
opening makes it a lot easier.

UK 98. UK 99.

-UK 98 receiving you.
-Yes.

Yes. It's a lady's hen night.

DISPATCHER: Cormac P.O.B.
Make sure
you get the right people.

Two cars. The contact
name is Bonny.

I just hope nobody's sick.

Oh, there's a man with
his girlfriend being sick
on him. That's nice.

It's a quarter to one.

-Um, are you waiting
for a taxi?
-Hello.

-Or two taxis?
-Um, yes, we are!

Are we going
to swap cars, mate? 'Cause...

Well, I'll have a go in yours.

-There you go. Um...
-Fair enough.

Somebody gave me some cheese.
Really stinks.

WOMAN: Red cars go faster.

-Smells nice in here.

Good evening.
Do you mind if I
come back a bit?

My colleague is
rather short in the leg.

WOMAN: Along the right, there.

No, that one, that one's...
That's my belt!

-Who's the lucky girl?
-It's me.

-Oh, and who's
the lucky fella?
-His name's Pete.

Has he realised
how lucky he is?

HAMMOND: While James was going
for the Leslie Phillips award,

-I was trying a bit of
hen night road testing.

-I want to ask your
opinion on this car.
-Yeah?

-Smooth.
-Smooth.

-Spacious.
-It is spacious.

-Legroom.
-There's plenty leg room.

Rear legroom you said
is not that good behind me?

-It's ordinary.
-It's all right.
It's nothing special.

Good, um, what do you call it?

-Suspension.
-Suspension.
That's it, darling.

This car is much harder
than the Renault in front.

-WOMAN: Yeah?
-I was just about to say that.

Because that's actually
French and very soft,
and feels quite luxurious.

-Whereas this feels
a bit more sporty, I suppose.
-Ah.

HAMMOND: Yes, the unmistakable
sound there of a woman
pretending to be interested.

Meanwhile, my lot had
really focused in on what
mattered to them.

We have a drinks tray!

-Do we?
-Oh, brilliant!
Do we have a mini bar?

-Is there a mini bar?
-HAMMOND: Use it, that's good.

Is there vodka?

WOMAN: So, are you going
somewhere else tonight?

No, that's the end
of our shift.
You're our last job.

I mean, so you can come
party with us afterwards?

Mmm...

MAY: No, generous
as their offer was,

we had to decline the
champagne and Jacuzzi,

because we had something
much more interesting to do.

Come to a verdict on
these people carriers.

HAMMOND: So, we've driven 'em.
What do you think?
-Yeah, well,

I think I'd have the Renault.

Well, I reckon the
C-MAX is gloomy.

I mean, it really is
dark and miserable.

It's like living in
a piece of coal.

They're all about
the interior,

and the Renault interior is
simply better. It's also got
a stronger engine.

If I had to have one of those,
I'd have the Renault,

but I do have a bit of
a serious issue,
which is that

compared with the equivalent
straightforward hatchback
in each range,

these are about £2,000 more,
and I still can't
quite work out

where the £2,000 goes.

I'm thinking, for example,
tonight, at what point

did I really feel that I
needed the Scenic,
rather than just a Megane?

The duelling girl
with the swords, okay?

I still couldn't get
those in the boot.

Your tall bloke, he still
couldn't really fit
in the back properly.

-I agree.
-I think it's a slight con
in that respect.

I think maybe it is.
So, we're agreed. Of the two,
we'd have the Renault.

-Yes
-We can kind of see
the point of mini MPVs

as an updated hatch, but...

-They're just not worth it.
-We can't square the price
difference.

£2,000 extra just smacks
a bit of a rip-off.
What are you paying for?

Now, I just have this to say,
really. I kind of see
what you're saying.

-Yeah.
-Big doors,
kind of quite useful.

It does make a difference.

But I also see what he says,
which is that £2,000...

-It's a lot of money.
-It is a lot of money,

and I kind of err
towards you, really.

The only way cars like this,
in my opinion, make sense,

-is if they've got
seven seats. Then they work.
-Exactly.

Five? What's the point?

And that actually rules out
the Ford, for starters.

-I think that means
you've got this VW...
-This, the Grand Scenic,

-the VW Touran.
-Grand Scenic.

And the Toyota Corolla Verso.

-And the Vauxhall Zafira.
-Yeah, and that's it.

And that is an easy choice,
because you can't have
the Volkswagen,

because it's got the dreariest
interior in the world,

it is like driving around
in Eeyore's bottom.

You can't have the Renault
Megane because I had
one the other day,

and my children reduced
it to its component parts
in eight seconds flat.

-So flimsy.
-That will happen.

Vauxhall Zafira's
not bad, actually.
Surprisingly.

But the best, Toyota Corolla.

The Verso. That one, over yon.
It's got very clever
back seats,

pull up out of the boot floor,
not that nice to drive,

the engine's a bit dreary,
but it's very well made.

And that would be
the car I'd choose, I think.

-Yeah.
That's the one to go for.
-I'd agree.

Good. Right, let's meet
our guest, shall we,
for this evening.

He's sold 100 million albums,
he's won five Grammys,

he lives in a $25 million
mansion in Beverly
Hills with 17 bathrooms.

He's going to be opening
this year's Olympic Games

and be playing to
a televised audience
of two billion people.

He is a global superstar.

The only person to have had
a number one in America

for nine consecutive years
apart from Irving Berlin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it makes no difference to us.

He's still gonna go around
the track in a Suzuki Liana.

Here he is. Lionel Richie!

-How are you? Have a seat.
-Very well.

Very well. Very well.

-Very well.
-So, singing at the opening
of the Olympic Games?

Well, I'll tell ya,
the Olympic Games...

Nothing compares to
what I went through today.

-Oh, on the lap? In the Liana?
-Nothing.

You wait 'till you get
out to Greece. You'll be
singing in a building site.

-Oh, please.
-You're gonna love that.

Now, I want to
talk about cars.
You never sell a car.

-No.
-You've still got, then,
the first car you ever bought.

I have the first car
when I was in college,

-the Datsun 280Z 2+2.
-280?

I couldn't afford the XKE.

-Oh, you wanted an E-Type?
-I wanted the E-Type Jaguar.

At that particular time
I couldn't afford it.

And so the Japanese
came along and basically
copied the style.

-They copied the style badly,
I would suggest.
-Yes, of course.

-It's a discount version
of the XKE.
- Yes.

But anyway, what I'm saying to
you is it was a fabulous car.
I kept that one.

-And you've still got it?
-Still have it, to this day.

And so all the cars you've
ever had over the years,

you've all still...
You've still got them.

The second car was,
of course, the Mercedes.

450 SEL.

I have to tell you about the
story about the Commodores,

and how we got the Mercedes,
which is interesting.

We went in,

and we had such major
success on the second album

that we decided for Christmas,
we'd give ourselves cars.

So I went to the same
dealership that I bought
my Datsun.

It was a Datsun Mercedes
dealership.

He said,
"Son, can I help you?"

I said "Yes, sir. I'd like
to buy seven Mercedes."

And he said, "Seven?"

I said "Yes." He said
"step into my office, son."

Sonny.

-And he said...
-Good salesman.

"Is there any number I can
call to verify the fact that
you can buy these cars?"

I said, "Yes, call the Bank of
America's president in
Los Angeles, California."

I gave him the number.

He called up
and here's what he said.

"I have a Lionel Ricky."

-No, it gets worse.

"I have a Lionel Ricky here.

"Uh, who claims he's
with a group called
the Commanders."

He said, uh,

"I wanna know can he
pay for the c..."

-Thank you!

"Mr Richie."

And you got your seven Mercs.

You were looking at our
Bentley when you were
down here.

-Yes.
-We had a Bentley Continental
today, you saw it,

-you had a go, was it fun?
-I must tell you.

Pretty special car.

-It's quite an amazing car.
-I loved the car.

-And we went around the track.
-You think you'll get one?

I'm actually thinking
about it, and they tell me
that before I get it,

I should try to test
drive one other one,
and that's the Vanquish.

If you don't like the gear box

-in the Vanquish,
have a look at the DB9.
-Really?

I can't believe I'm sitting
here giving Lionel Richie
car advice.

-It's all right.
-Have a look at the gear...

If you don't like it 'cause
it's got flappy paddles,

-have a look at the DB9.
-Very good.

Um, now, of course,
you came here today

to try your hand at driving
what's possibly the crummiest
car you've ever driven.

Now, you didn't have
as much practise as
most of our guests,

-let's be honest.
-No.

And it didn't go as smoothly,
shall we say,

as it does for
most of our guests.

No, that's right.

Who'd like to see
what happened on
your first practise lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Yeah?
Okay, let's run the tape.

Here we go.

CLARKSON: Yeah,
you got a gear, there.

-Oh!
-Oh, wow.

RICHIE: Oh, my God! Yeah!

-CLARKSON: The wheel...

Crash!

We find this, frankly,
more scary than you do,

because you have a
suing culture in America.

Now I can answer
your question.
Am I going to get a Bentley?

Yes, I am!

-Ah!
-The BBC is a very
impoverished organisation.

We would like to
humbly apologise.

-No, I assure you...
-And we will be finding
the man responsible

and tearing off his
gentleman's area.

Yes, I understand, but
let me just say this to you.

When I first came here,
they kept saying to me,

-"You know, Simon..."
-Cowell.

-Yes. Simon. There he is.
-Sitting at the top of
our leader board there.

They said,
"He is the leader here."

And I thought about it,
as I saw the wheel
go in front of me.

-As I'm driving, I said,

"Simon obviously had
something to do with this."

-Yeah.
-He's capable.

-He has that kind of...
-He was down here last night,
in a balaclava,

-with a wheel... Now it all
starts to make sense.
-You follow me?

-I can see!
-Yes, I think if you're gonna
sue anyone, sue him.

-He's a damn sight
richer than the BBC!

That's the way I'd look at it.

Anyhow, we managed
to find a back-up Liana.

We carry such things,
actually since
David Soul came here.

He managed to break two!

I heard, there was a rumour.

Yeah, he got in one,
smashed the clutch,
and then got in another

-and smashed the clutch.
-In the... Wait, hold on.

I think it's because he says
that he's not used to
driving on the wrong side,

-as he calls it.
-This is my first time
driving on the wrong side.

And I found myself going
into the kerb,
and I go, "Brake! Brake!"

-And I'm opening the door.

I know what you mean.
Anyway, I suppose most
of the names on here

mean absolutely nothing
to you. I mean, Jordan?
Mean anything?

-Yes.
-Who do you think that is?

The car racing guy?
-No.

-Not Eddie Jordan.

-Not Eddie Jordan?
-An entirely different...

-...species, really.

Yeah, anyhow, well,
we'll see how you get on

because we've, I think,
got the lap ready.
Who'd like to see that?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Okay, here we go.

Let's see what Lionel
was like out there with
all four wheels on his car.

CLARKSON: And you're away.

-Ah! Come on!

Okay, here we go.
Oh, there's a new angle
there around the first corner.

That's...
That's looking pretty tidy.

Are you a keen driver,
would you say?

CLARKSON: Well, there's
the answer. No need to answer.
RICHIE: Yes.

Well, the idea of driving
like this is insane.

I have to say,
this is extremely well done.

Apart from the gear changing,
this is extremely good.

-RICHIE: As I hit
the horn.

CLARKSON:
Yeah, hit the horn there.

Now, here we go, here we go.

-This is the one
that threw me. Flat out.
-Follow-through.

-Are you lifting?
-Flat out.

-CLARKSON: Good man!
-There we go, Lionel!

Good man! And singing.
And flat through here as well?

-Flat through there?
-Flat. Straight out.

That's... Yeah.
And you only had
three practise laps.

RICHIE:
Watch this. Watch this now.

-Here we go, this is the one.
This is the one.
-Second to last corner.

This is the trickiest
corner there is.

-Beautifully held,
into Gambon.

CLARKSON: More horn.

-Love it!

Ah.

You know what,
here's what bothers me.

-Rich Tea?
-Why am...
I saw that, by the way.

Why am I sweating now?

And I'm not in the car.
I have to tell you...

Not as much as I'm
about to make you sweat.

How do you think you did?

Oh, I mean...

Somewhere down here with
Richard Whitely who's
basically a deck chair.

-Two minutes six,

or up with
Simon Cowell at 1:47?

Well...

Realising that I was cut down
in the prime of me driving.

-Mmm-hmm.
-In other words, I was
sabotaged. The rain, the tyre.

I would think, three, four.

Well, I'm sorry.
On that basis, you're once,
twice, three times a loser!

But...

-But you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
-Oh, yes?

You did, after just three laps
of practise in a three-wheeled
car...

One minute 50 seconds,
which means you've
tied with me!

That's pretty good going.

That's a very good time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lionel Richie!

Fantastic.

Right, can anyone here
name a Dutch car company?

No? Well, there is one.
Spyker.

Now, 100 years ago,
Spyker was making
stuff like this,

they moved on
to this sort of thing.

Then in the First World War,
they made some rather
splendid fighter aircraft.

Like this one.
They even made a golden coach

for the Hollish royal family,

and this sort of thing
made them the Rolls-Royce
of Dutch-land,

a byword for
sumptuousness and velvet,
and the baroque.

But I'm afraid it didn't do
them any good because by 1925,
they'd gone bust.

Well, fortunately,
they're back and
they've built a car.

And Jeremy's been driving it!

CLARKSON: This is it! The C8.

And I'm sure you're
wondering at this point

how on earth can such a thing
have come out of Holland.

Ah, well, you see,
there are two Hollands.

One where everyone goes on
holiday in a caravan and
there are tulips.

And then you've got the other,
which is full of

drunk Liverpudlians
vomiting on Filipino girls.

So, wanna guess which
part of Holland this is from?

Yup, it's an Amsterdamer.

And there are other
examples of this Dutch
schizophrenia as well.

Rembrandt. He was Dutch,

and all he ever painted were
businessmen in darkened rooms
doing accountancy.

But van Gogh was also Dutch
and he went to the south of
France and cut his ear off!

So, is this a Rembrandt
or a van Gogh, do you think?

Well, I certainly
don't see any ears.

This, then, is the latest
example of Holland's mad side.

It's a drug-crazed
pornographer with a
penchant for euthanasia

and a boyfriend.

The most amazing thing
about it is its interior.

I've never seen
anything like this before.

It's absolutely stunning.

The second most amazing
thing about it is the price.

I sort of thought it would
be a million billion,

but actually,
it's only £134,000.

Kind of Ferrari money.

The third most amazing fact

is that one of the four
backers behind the
Spyker project

is the guy that
came up with Big Brother.

And the fourth most
amazing thing is that it
weighs just 1.2 tonnes.

When you peel away
the aluminium body,
it's easy to see why.

There really isn't much left.
Just the engine.

It's a 4.2 litre Audi V8.

And you'd imagine that
that would be enough
to give the featherweight car

plenty of oomph.

But oh, no.

The guys from Holland
bought the engine from
the sensible Germans,

had a bit of a smoke,

fiddled around with the engine
management system,

upped the power
from 360 to 400,

slotted it in,
now it goes like stink.

Because it has the same
power output as a Ferrari 360,

but only weighs
the same as a toaster,

it'll get from 0-60
in 4.3 seconds.

And onto a top speed of 187.

Sounds good, too.

And if that isn't enough,
the engine is also available
with some blow.

Yep, they're working
on a twin-turbo version

with 525 brake horsepower.

So, plenty of power
and plenty of speed,

but not much
in the way of luxury.

There's no in-built phone,
no satellite navigation,

and while there is
air conditioning,

there are no vents to deliver
the cooling air to your face.

There's no air bag, either,
but being impaled
on this wheel,

what a way to go!

My main concern
about the Spyker,
though, is the handling.

It's really not very good.

The brakes are a bit wooden,

and all you get in the
corners is 500 yards
of squealing understeer.

Don't be taken in
by the F1-style suspension

or the racing harnesses,
or that elaborate pedal box.

The Spyker shouts
the Ferrari shout,

but were the two to meet,
the red car would simply

pass the dutchie on the
left-hand side and be gone.

This, then, is not for
the hairy-chested, gung-ho,
playboy racer

who likes to go
everywhere sideways.

Its appeal is more
subtle than that.

This is a car you wear
rather than drive.

You pull on your
Manolo Blahnik shoes,

you grab your
Lulu Guinness handbag,

clip on your
Georg Jensen earrings,

and then step outside
into your Spyker C8.

I mean, look at the interior.
The frameless windows,

the exposed gear linkage,
the upholstery, quilted.

Like a smoking jacket.

It's like sitting in
a fashion accessory.

I mean, look at this horn.

It's not the sort of
aggressive thing you
get on an Italian car,

that, "Ah! Get out of my way,
earthling" horn.

-It's more...

...the kind of thing you use
to attract the attention of

other people
in your tax haven.

-Morning, Valentino!

So, it might not work as a
rival for Ferrari and Porsche
and Lambo on the track,

but it works brilliantly
parked outside the
best restaurant in town.

It really is one
amazing-looking thing.

My only slight reservation,

and it is only slight,
is this grille,

which makes the front
of the car look like a fish.

Not a cod or a shark,
not a kind of swimmy one,

more a sort of bottom-feeder.

But then, it is Dutch, and
they like that kind of thing.

This, then,
is more than a car.

It's your lover, also.

Sure. It's no good, then?

No, no, no, it's fantastic!
I mean, let's be honest,

there are plenty of people who
like to look good at 40,

rather than driving
around like their
hair's on fire at 400.

Well, you, exactly.
Classic case in point.

We got any dealers?

They don't actually have any
dealers, but they do have,

like, a mate who
sells to friends.

-You see what I mean?
-Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

-Uh, right-hand drive?
-Yes they'll do it
in right-hand drive,

and they say that
since I drove it,

they've done something
about the brakes, and

they also say that
they've done something
to kill that understeer.

So, to find out if it worked,

we handed it over to our
colleague and our driver also.

The Stig.

CLARKSON: Okay, a little smoke
off the line and away he goes.

Now, The Stig's got the
hard top on, which should
help the aerodynamics,

make it faster
on the straights.

This is the first bend now.

Looks like the tail's
coming out a bit.
That is surprising.

Coming up to Chicago.

And it's trying to oversteer
again by the looks of things.

Big question is really how
will the Spyker fare 'round
Hammerhead.

A bit wobbly underbraking,
this is the real test of
understeery cars.

Oh, he's gone very
sideways there.

Ooh, very sideways.

Seems like in their attempts
to get rid of understeer,

Spyker seem to have
brought on roll oversteer.

Mind you, he's flat
through Follow-through.

And still flat.

Not a lift,
two more corners to go.

Time over the first half
suffered for the oversteer.

Can he make it
up in the last little bit?

A bit more sliding
there in Gambon,
and across the line in...

...one minute 27.3.

So that goes there.

MAY: That's not bad
for a smoking jacket.

No, really, look. It's quicker
than a Subaru Impreza,
the new one.

-Quicker than DB7 GT!
-MAY: That's remarkable.

It is, what,
1.5 seconds slower than
a Lamborghini Gallardo.

But then if you
look at it this way,
if this were the cool wall...

-I mean, it would be
kind of in your ear, really.
-Oh. Yeah.

That's not the end
of the track action,

because earlier on,
Jeremy drove this.

It's the most powerful
production car in the world.

The Mercedes CL65.

What we want to know
now is how it will fare

in just a simple, straight,
half mile drag race

against its two main rivals,

the Bentley Continental GT
and the Aston Martin DB9.

What do we think?
Anyone got any thoughts?

-You think the DB9.
-The Merc.

-DB9.
-The DB9, the Merc,

you see,
this is the thing of it,
the DB9's problem,

it's only got 450 bhp.
I mean, only.

Uh, whereas the Merc
and the Bentley are
a lot more powerful.

But it is light.
The Aston is very, very light.

Anyone? You think the Merc.

Well, we've seen how
powerful that is,
anyone think the Bentley?

-You think...
-The Continental.

You think the Continental GT?

-That weighs a bit more
than your house.
-It's four-wheel drive. Yes.

-But it is four-wheel drive,
as you say.
-It is, yeah.

So it's got good
traction off the line,
but it is turbo charged,

-but then so is that!
-It's a good one, this.
'Cause it really is difficult.

Indeed, we were
completely stumped.
We really were.

This morning, we arrived here,
we had no clue which one
was going to win.

So we had to go find out.

There's nothing to do.
We've just got to sit here,
keep your foot down.

That Mercedes is incredible!

It's all a bit
embarrassing, really.

Oh! I've finished.

That is pathetic!
I'm last again!

That is, um...

That was really, really fast.

I'll tell you, from where
we were, from
behind the driver...

Watching that thing pull away,
it was just...

-It just keeps powering away!
-There is, there's a
traction control moment

and I'm going the
same speed as you,

-As the traction
control kind of sorts...
-Yeah.

"Hang on a minute. Lot of
power coming here,"
sorts you out,

and then it just goes, woomph!
And he's gone!

-I thought I'd left the
Bentley's handbrake on!

Thing is, though,
we've proved
it's the quickest,

but which one would
you actually buy, James?

-The Aston.
-The Aston.

-Aston.
-Aston.

Aston! A nice, clear-cut
finish to the programme.

See you next week! Good night!