Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Sport Coupes Shootout - 911 vs. 6 Series vs. XKR - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,

a new Rover goes for
a smoke round our track.

-Ooh!

CLARKSON:
Richard gets whacked
with 800,000 volts.

And we take three cars
to the birthplace
of British speed.

Hello and welcome.

Now, a couple of months ago,

a whole load of new family
hatchbacks suddenly
arrived on the market.

Stuff like the Vauxhall Astra
here and the new
Volkswagen Golf.

And, obviously,
we reacted immediately.

We worked tirelessly
through the nights sometimes



thinking up excuses
for not bothering
to test them.

Eventually, the producer
told us to stop
being so stupid,

so we drew straws,
and Hammond lost.

HAMMOND:
First off the blocks
is the new Vauxhall Astra.

The Model T
for the modern sales rep.

It's always been a bit
of a nothing car, the Astra.

The third cousin whose head
is obscured in the back
of the wedding photo.

You just don't care
if it isn't there.

But this new car is trying
much harder to get noticed.

There's some interesting
touches on the outside

and more of a club class
feel on the inside.

Look at this console.

Climate control, CD stacker,
colour screen.

It's got the lot in here.



It's like a middle
manager's dashboard

fitted into
a junior rep's car.

In fact, every car
gets ABS, CD player

and a clutch of front
and side airbags as standard.

But where they really
have pulled out all the stops

is in trying to make
the Astra drive as well
as the Ford Focus,

which is by far and away,
the best driving
of all these hatches.

To bring it up to scratch,
what Vauxhall have done

is smother the chassis
in electronics and
computer devices.

It is a good compromise
between a little bit
of sportiness

and, actually,
plenty of grip.

It certainly doesn't feel
as dull and heavy as a...
Well, an Astra.

And, you know,
it's not bad.

And that, I'm afraid,
is its problem.

It's not bad.

But it's still not as good
to drive as the Focus.

And nor does it look
as wild and bold as
the Renault Megane.

The new Astra could have,
should have been
an exciting car.

It should have stood out,

but, sadly, it remains
a pleasant all-rounder
for pleasant people.

Next up, the Mazda3.

This is one of those cars
they just couldn't
stop designing.

"Oh, I'll just add
another line here
and a crease there."

But, again,
hardly a design classic.

But what it has got going
for it is the price.

That Astra was a 1.6
and it cost £14,400.

For the same money,
in the Mazda,

you get a two-litre engine

and you get traction control,
climate control, ABS,

CD, alloys. You get the lot.

So, it's cheap.

Unfortunately,
it also feels cheap.

What's the opposite
of premium?

'Cause that's what it feels
like in here.

At some point,
some fool has let
an accountant loose with it

and that's always bad.

There's none of what
marketing people call
"surprise and delight".

It's just a bit...

Really, apart from this,

when you turn the stereo on,
these cool lights go across.

Look at that!

Now, when you turn it off,
they go the other way.

That's great.
That's the best bit.

So there we are,
the Pleasantville Astra

and the all-you-can-eat family
bargain bucket Mazda3.

But you won't be interested
in either of those

because there's a new
version of the car

that everyone always buys
with their own money.

The hatchback daddy!

The new Golf!

Now, don't go looking too hard
for any big changes
in the shape

'cause you'll just
strain your eyes for nothing.

Not only do the looks remain
almost the same,

so do the high prices.

The 1.6 SE costs £15,285.

That's £2,000 more
than the Mazda.

But hang on,
it isn't as bad as it sounds.

For that, you get
a single shot CD player,

you get air conditioning,
ABS, alloys...

In other words,
almost the same
kit as the Mazda.

And if you're talking
value for money,

there is something
more important.

This is a Golf,
so it will hold
its value better,

which means you should
get your cash back
at the other end.

It's been around
for 30 years now.

When you've sold
22 million of something,

you don't change the recipe.

You just try and tweak it,
make it a bit better.

So this new model
is also more fun to drive

and it's bigger inside.

And when the big stuff
is sorted, we come down
to the attention to detail.

If, for example,
you dent the bodywork
on a new Golf,

you can now simply
change the outer skin

rather than incur the cost
of getting a whole new panel.

Like the game,
it bores me to tell you,

but the Golf is the one
you'll want to buy.
Good shot.

It's not exciting,
but VW have had so long now

to work on it

and to get it just right,

that the others simply
can't dent its appeal.

If I can just sum up, then,
on these three new cars

the Golf is still the one
you want to be in.

So, which would you buy, then?
Volkswagen, Vauxhall or Mazda?

-Ford Focus.
To be honest, I would.

Well, I mean, I'd think
about the Renault Megane,

but then I'd still be thinking
about it as I pulled up
outside the Ford dealership.

-I just would.
-Ford is very good,

-but getting on a bit now.
-It's six years old now.

But it is still by far
and away the best one to drive
of all these family hatches.

Tell you what worries me
is Mazda

is owned by Ford these days
and that Mazda

-you drove, the...
-HAMMOND: Three.

-Three. If you peel
away the body...
-Yeah.

...and take the badge off it,
that is the new Focus,

-which is coming along in...
-About four months.

Four months' time.

So, what we're saying is,
if you're looking for
a sensible family hatchback,

get down
to the Ford dealership

and buy a Focus now
before Ford ruin it.

And now, the news.

And the big news this week
is that the price

of petrol has passed
the £1 per litre mark.

-Oh!
-I know.

-But... It's bad,
but it's a good time...
-Hooyah!

...for Jaguar to launch
the new S-type diesel.

Which has a 2.7-litre
V6 turbo diesel

-and does 40 miles
to the gallon.
-CLARKSON: A very good time.

But I'm not sure,
no matter how good the engine
is, that I'd go for that one.

Yeah, you see,
we're missing something,
aren't we?

Let's be absolutely honest.

It is, as Jeremy's
demonstrating, hideous!

-Look!

It does look
exactly like that.

-It is hideous.
-I think it looks
like a dead cod.

HAMMOND: It does look
like something washed up
on a beach.

Can anybody think of a car
currently available that's
uglier than an S-type Jag?

MAN: Fiat Multipla!
CLARKSON: Fiat Multipla?

No, you see...
No, a Multipla's fine.

HAMMOND: Changed.
MAN: Thank you.

-What? Who said thank you?
Have you got one?

-Does someone...
You own a Multipla?

CLARKSON: The owner
of a Multipla!

He's here!

Honestly, I really do believe
that is the ugliest car
that money can buy.

Great new engine,
we don't care.

Sticking with Jaguar
in the, uh, studio here,

we've got the new
Jaguar limousine.

Now, interestingly,

Jaguar say that
that car isn't just
a stretched version of the XJ.

CLARKSON: Really?
HAMMOND: Hang on.
How's it different?

-Is the front different?
-MAY: No.

CLARKSON: Is the engine
the same?
MAY: Yep.

-Gearbox the same?
-Yep.

HAMMOND: Dashboard?
MAY: Yes.

-Wheels, seats?
-MAY: Yes.

Try the length.

CLARKSON:
So, it's a bit longer.
MAY: It's five inches longer,

-which gives you
more rear leg room.
-So, that's it?

-That's it.
-They're all doing this now,
aren't they?

BMW, Audi, Mercedes,
they've all made
slightly longer cars,

versions of cars
that already are long.

-And they're all
useless because...
-They are.

-They've all got...
-Air suspension...

-Which does...
-Not...

-Work.
-Absolutely.

-It doesn't work.
-Something I've just thought
about, though,

is, that car has got an extra
five inches in it

-so that you get better
rear leg room. Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Why don't they just
make them all that long?

'Cause you don't buy
a Jag because
you want a small car, do you?

Some of us
don't need leg room.

Well, it's true.

Now, Britain's last major
mass manufacturer

has a new flagship out
and we've got it here.

It's the MG ZT 260
which sounds very exciting

but it looks exactly
like a Rover 75.

And we know what that means.

CLARKSON: The Rover 75,
the car that's always sold
with a queue of vehicles

in its wake,
unable to get past.

You never see
one of these things

going along at more
than 37 miles an hour.

Really, it should have
a wood-burning stove
instead of a heater

and mullion windows
and perhaps a thatched roof.

Rover, therefore, decided to
do this faster, bigger-engined
MG version.

But, unfortunately,
they're not exactly
well funded at the moment.

Obviously, they didn't have
enough cash to design
their own engine

so they've bought one
from Ford.

It's the 4.6-litre V8
from a Mustang,
and it's a terrible engine.

It's got two valves
per cylinder,

it's made out of volcanic rock
and pig iron,

it produces carbon dioxide
in lumps the size of houses,

it produces less power
for its size than the engine
in a Daewoo Matisse,

and if you push it,
it does about nine miles
to the gallon.

This is rubbish!

And they couldn't hook it up
to the front wheels

like they do with the engines
in normal Rovers,

so they had to send
the power down a prop shaft

to the back wheels.

And that meant
designing a new floor
and new suspension.

And then they really
were out of money.

I mean, they went
through their pockets,

they looked down
the back of the sofa,

they raided
the kids' money boxes,
but there was nothing.

Nothing left at all
to change the styling.

So they've ended up
with a brand new car

that looks exactly the same
as the old one.

That doesn't matter
on the outside.

Apart from the new
radiator grill,

which looks like
a Victorian hearth,

it's not such a bad-looking
old Hector.

But it does matter
on the inside.

It's got an old-fashioned
dash, old-fashioned dials,

the wheel from a ship,

there's not much space
in the back

and now there's a thumping V8
under the bonnet,

there's nowhere
to put my left foot either.

There are other problems, too.

It isn't that powerful,
it isn't that fast,

it isn't that well-equipped
and the top model
costs £33,000.

Which is a lot,

especially as it will
depreciate as fast
as last year's laptop.

And yet,
there is something about it.

First of all, the engine.

It may be a gammy leg,
but Rover's boffins
have worked wonders with it.

It sounds nice in a muted,
rumbly sort of way,
and it is surprisingly smooth.

Think of it
as Louis Armstrong.

Look at this.
I'm doing 40 miles an hour
in fourth gear.

Put my foot down and it takes
five and a half seconds
to get to 60.

Now. Stay in fourth,

put my foot down again,
and it's five
and a half seconds

to get to 80.

There. Foot down again

and to get to 100,

five and a half seconds.

You never need to change gear!

Ever!

And there's
something else, too.

God knows
how they've managed it

with nothing more
than a socket set

and a gift voucher
from Halfords,

but they've made a car
which handles like nothing
I've ever driven.

Everything happens
in slow motion.

When the back steps
out of line like that,

you've got time to read
the instruction manual

to find out what
you should be
doing about it.

From the outside, this looks
dramatic and frightening,

but from the inside,
it's as relaxing
as a head massage.

You soon forget that
your left leg's coming off

and that you're driving around
in Dr Finlay's underpants.

And you forget
also that the engine
was made out of stone

by people who at the time
hadn't even discovered fire.

You forget all this
because it's just
so unbelievably calm.

Slow motion!

Whoo!

You've got to remember
that the Spitfire,
the WWII fighter,

was designed and developed
for just £12,500.

And this car
is another example
of that British pluck.

I'll tell you what this car
demonstrates better than
anything else.

Impecunity,
it's the mother of ingenuity.

So, let's move on, shall we,
and meet our guests.

We've actually got
two of them this week.

They were the king
and the queen of
breakfast television.

Since then, she's gone on
to be a Broadway star and
a queen of the West End.

He, meanwhile, has got a job
on a local radio station.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Denise Van Outen
and Johnny Vaughan!

CLARKSON: Come through.

Oh, nice to see you!

-All right, Jeremy?
Here's Denise.
-How are you?

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

-Have a seat.
-We can sit here?

Yes, sit there.

Back on television together!

-Yeah, how about that?
-First time,
I think, isn't it?

-First time since
you left The Big Breakfast?
-Since... In three years.

-I do believe.
-Yeah, seriously. It's like...

And you can sense the thrill
amongst the crowd as well.

And they better
get used to it,

'cause you're back, um,
full time now
Saturday nights.

Oh, the plug bit.
When are we back?

We're back 3rd of July,
Saturday nights
at 7:00 p.m. on BBC One.

It's a sort of Big Date
Generation Game Party House,

-isn't it? So, basically...
-Yes. You're exactly right.

Now, Denise,
you're the First Lady
of Essex, really.

So, when you were
growing up, motoring-wise,
was it like XR3s?

Um, yeah, definitely.
I went out with a guy once
who had the XR3i Cabriolet.

"Once" being the right word!

- No, it's true!

I went to a night club
in Romford

and he drove so fast
that he frightened
the life out of me.

Did you ever feel the need
to kind of join in on that?

No, I was quite happy
being a passenger at the time.

You didn't have a car?

No, I did.
My first car actually,
was a Metro.

-I, um...
-On the stilettos?

Yeah... No, I used to wear...

I did actually once go out
on a date with a guy

and I was wearing a pair
of '70s knee-high boots

when they sort of came back
into fashion about 10,
12 years ago,

and they had
a platform on them.

And I was driving in those
'cause I didn't want
to take them off.

It's a perfect driving shoe.

But I didn't want
the guy to see

that I was actually
much shorter than
he thought I was,

'cause he thought
he was going out
with a leggy blonde.

So I drove in my shoes
and the car was a write-off.

-Oh...

-You wrote it off?
Good work!
-No, seriously.

I look at girls
walking down the street
and think,

"How are you going
to drive a car in those?"

There is a big shoe issue.
Well, you know, girls,
don't you?

You always have
your driving shoes.

-Do you have driving shoes?
-I've got a comfortable
driving shoe.

I've got a little ballet pump
that I slip into normally
if I'm going to drive.

Is that what you're doing
when you come out
of a petrol...

Have you noticed this?

You're at a petrol station,
there's a car in front,

a woman comes out
after paying for it,

gets in, closes the door,
five minutes go by!

What are you doing in there?

-Changing into ballet pumps.
-Exactly!

In our defence,
there are things to do.

You have to do your make-up,
check you look okay,

change your shoes,
check your text messages.

I'd like to have the car
rolling before the doors shut.

Yeah, I know.
Really quick back in.

Um, now, Johnny,
your car history is way
different than that.

You've now got a Maserati.

Yeah, I've got the Maserati.
I've got, actually,
the previous model,

the last proper Maserati.

It's the 3.2 V8 Biturbo

with the boomerang
rear lights.

Do you know what's
meant by the boomerang
rear lights on the previous...

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Of course, they do.

-No.
-They're heavy-knuckle
petrol heads to a man.

I'm completely lost here.

The old Maserati,
it had lights,
very thin lights,

that curved around
with the shape of the wing.

-LED as well...
-Yeah.

On the new one,
they've just put, like,
they've got them off a marina.

Well, let's have a look.
Let's have a look.

Here's the new one.
This is on the 4.2.
This is the one designed...

Have a look at that.

Now, you know the reason
why they've done that.

The reason why
they did that,

they asked an American
focus group about rear lights.

So they all look like
a Maserati Honda Civic
kind of thing.

They've made them
look like burgers!

Yeah, brilliant!

-They made them look like...

-We couldn't have done that.
-No, we couldn't have.

I wouldn't have
thought of that.
It's the Essex thing.

-Kebabs, perhaps!
-Kebabs, as well.

When does a confident
Italian car manufacturer

start listening to American
focus groups
when it designs a car?

Kinda drove me mad. And that's
why I haven't got the new 4.2
whatever it's called.

-The big, long Italian...
-So, stuck with the old one?

Stuck with the old one.
Because I like the engine
noise as well.

'Cause you are
from a family of engineers.

Yeah, I am.
All my family are engineers.

But our big kind of name
drop engineer in the family
is Harry Mundy.

-He was, uh...
-We've got
a photograph of him.

-Here's Harry Mundy.
-Okay, I wanna bring him...

Here he is, on the end,
the little chap.

-Oh, now you know.
-He's your uncle, okay.

-He designed the...
-He designed
the 5.3 V12 Jaguar.

-He was Jaguar's
chief engineer from 1963.
-That's impressive.

-So, he designed the...
-Yeah.

And it gets better.
He also designed
the Coventry Climax!

He designed
the Coventry Climax!

-DENISE: Whoa!

-It's a great name for a film,
it's a great name for a car.
-It's a great name for a girl!

-It's a great name for a girl!

-A pole dancer!
-Yeah, it's a good one.

"And now, ladies
and gentlemen,
Rhythm Is a Dancer

-and...
-"Up on stage,
Coventry Climax.

"She's wet 'n' wild, fellas.
Oh, yeah, she's doing it
for you."

Do you have any idea
what we're on about
at this point?

I'm completely lost.

-I think we refound her
at Coventry Climax!
-You did!

-I got that...
-But you went out
with Jay Kay for...

-Yeah.
-But, surely, some
of his enthusiasm,

which is legendary,
rubbed off on you?

Yeah, I mean,
I used to enjoy going out
in the cars with him,

but I'm not one
for really flashy cars.

I don't really
sort of get that.

I like a car
that can just get me
from A to B.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I've got the new Audi A3
on order, which is a good
little practical car.

That's a hatchback!
What'd you bought
a hatchback for?

I'm not very good at parking,

so I need
something quite small
that I can slip in nicely.

-I bet you do, love!

I'm looking forward
to BBC One, 6:00.

-Live as well, isn't it?
-Yeah.

No, I'm excited
about my new car.
Why don't you like them?

-What have you...
-A3s?

They... It's like water.

But they do a sporty version.
They do an R version
or something.

Well, of course they do.
But you're not having
the R version presumably?

-I am, yes.
-Oh, you're having
the R version!

This is the girl who got me
for a birthday present...

I did actually.
And I've never seen them.

No, I put them on the car,
but I sold the car.

What? What? What are they?

-I bought you as a Big
Breakfast leaving present...
-Alloys!

-What an Essex girl
gets someone!
-No.

She bought me AMG alloys

'cause I bought a CLK320
when it first came out.

But Denise very kindly
bought the AMG wheels for it.

-And then he sold the car!
-No, I didn't.

-I took the AMG wheels off
before I sold the car.
-Right.

Funnily enough, I've just got
£580 for them on eBay.

Seriously, yeah.
I'm doing it for you.

Your laps...

I beg your pardon?

Not now, Jeremy.

# Everybody dance now! #

-That's enough.
-Would you like to see
a little shot we've got of...

-Of these two having
a bit of a practice...
-It can't be the slowest ever.

I'm not going
to show you the lap,

I'm just gonna show
the ladies and gentlemen
a bit of a practice.

He did it really well.
I was really
impressed, actually.

-Really well?
-Yeah, he was really good.

-This is by Essex standards?
-Yes.

Okay, let's have a look at

some of Johnny's
"really well" driving.

Here we go...

Oh, it's coming down
to that very difficult corner
where everybody goes off.

Oh, my word!

Yes!

-That frightened you, there,
didn't it?
-No, it didn't.

-It did.
-Can't believe it.

That was really good, was it?

Because they asked me
to give it a bit of wheel spin
for the crowd.

They said it was
too boringly brilliant.

Do you know, I actually...
I did feel Johnny's heart
after that.

-It was going so fast.
-Do you know
what's really lovely?

It's crashing like that,
going through...

You know that feeling you get
when you crash? It's awful.
It's a place you go to.

It was so nice
to be able to do it
in a carefree environment.

You should rename
this whole area "Stag World".

Just for men to roam free.

You come here
and just crash cars,
and in here,

all these poles will have
ladies going up and down.

This is marvellous.
People being sick

and other guys paintballing
while you drive.

This is "Clarky's Stag World!"
A franchise!

And it's actually a family day
out the dads will actually
bloody enjoy.

'Cause whenever I see ads
saying "family day out",

there's one poor...
Yeah, who's not enjoying it.

-So, how did he do, anyway?
I mean...
-We're going to see it.

He's slightly mocking.
I don't think
we did that well.

Well, we're gonna find out.

Because after
the spin, we then
got the stopwatch out.

-Right.
-And, uh, here we go.

Tell me.

-Go!

I smell burning.
Do you get that?

-Do you get me?

CLARKSON: It's completely
the wrong line.

It's not the wrong line,
she was perfect.

-Are you really proud?
-Proud of you.

Well, Essex girl is proud
of man in car!

That's the most manly thing
that has happened to me
ever in life!

-CLARKSON: Oh, my...
-Come on, that's how
you test a vehicle!

Here's a tip.
Change gear before
you get to a corner.

VAUGHAN: Ready?

Beautiful. Stopped.

-There's the gear change!

Thank you!

This is like a night out
in Essex.

You could take me
for a drive round Essex's
country roads, love.

Yeah, "I'll take you
for a lovey drive, love."

If this was a Sunday afternoon
and you were taking me for
a little spin in your car,

-I'd definitely go home
and put out.
-Would you?

CLARKSON: You'd put out
for that sort of driving?

Why don't you
use all the road?

If I could follow this up
with, like, two hours

of doughnutting
in a Sainsbury car park.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Suddenly we wake up
for the last corner!

That's how you do that!

That is how you do that!
You know it!

-You know it.
-I thought you did
a really good job, actually.

I thought it was a good job.
Good job well done.

'Cause they all
had lots of practise.
That was my first time round.

No, you see,
that's just not true!

'Cause we saw you
first time around, ended up
going backwards!

Actually, it was a lie
easily discovered.
Well done, Jeremy.

Where do you think
you've come on there?

I've probably...
I don't know.
I don't think it's that fast.

-Above Jordan.
-I'd say probably, maybe...

Hope to have made
just above Enfield.

Between Enfield
and Vegas maybe.

No, no, no!
You're way faster than that!

-What do you think, Denise?
-Between Gordon and Vorderman.

-Gordon and where are we now.
Oh, Gordon and Vorderman!
-Yeah.

Now, that's ambitious.

-Is it?

-One minute...
-Yeah?

...fifty...

...three point four.

Which frankly is dreadful!

-It's not that bad!
-It's dreadful!

I mean, you didn't say that
to Vinnie Jones. He got 1.53.

-I'm surprised actually.
-CLARKSON:
Don't argue with me.

-I thought it was much faster.
-I thought it would be
much quicker than that.

In my defence,
in all fairness, this was
the problem I was having.

I was also carrying
quite a weight in the car.

-I had a passenger.

-And that's the only
personal issue...

-Not you!

Not you. Not you,
but Denise Van Outen's
make-up bag.

It's a fair point.
It's a fair point.

-No, seriously.
-No, that is true.

-Now that's with a passenger!
-It's true.

A car as underpowered as that,
you know, actually...

The weight of Denise,
as slight and beautiful
as she is...

-I've altered it.
There we are.
-That's an extra 7.5 stone.

-I've moved you up now
by 0.2 of a second.
-Yeah.

-CLARKSON: Can I just say...
-Is that how you adjust?
As randomly as that?

-Yeah, that's it.
-There's technicians out there

-doing power-to-car
weight ratios and bhp talk...
-No, it's not the timing.

And that comes down
to Clarkson with his
chubby fingers

-moving me above Fay Ripley?

-It's pathetic! It's pathetic.
-The timing has gone all...

You're just a charlatan.

Anyway, the thing is, is that
you do have one distinction.

There's only been David Soul
who came here

with his American ways
and bust a car.

Yeah, respect, yeah.

-And I looked in their eyes,
and I saw respect.
-Shall we just see...

Shall we just see...
And not just broke it,

didn't own up to it.

-Didn't...

Unfortunately, I couldn't not
own up to it because it simply
wouldn't move off...

Can we just see
this attempt here, okay?

-Watch this,
for sheer bad manners.

It's just humiliation.

-Oh, it's gone.

I can smell burning.

-It's not going.
-Something's happened
to the car.

Get out. Just... Don't.
Just get out the car.
Act like nothing's happened.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Denise and Johnny!

Denise Van Outen!

Jeremy Clarkson!

-Jeremy, Denise.
-Thank you.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

Now. Now, did you know
that in this country

more people are
struck by lightning
than are crushed by reptiles

or injured as the result of
a prolonged stay
in a weightless environment?

Yeah. It turns out lightning
really is a hidden menace.

-Your point being?
-Well, this. What happens if
you are struck by lightning

in a car?

Oh, we'd be all right, then,
because you've got
rubber tyres.

Ah! Not necessarily,
you see? Because

car makers don't test
for this sort of thing.

So, after being pelted
by golf balls,

Top Gear arranged for a car
to be struck by lightning,

-with me in it.

There are very few places
in the world that have
the technology

to blast a car
with lightning.

Two of those places are
in Holland and Germany.

But only one of those nations
is laid back, liberal
and fun-loving enough

to let me actually
sit in the car

whilst they hit it
with 800,000 volts.

Yep, it's those zany Germans.

This is the Siemens
high voltage lab in Berlin.

Normally, this place
builds and tests
high voltage equipment

for power stations
and the national grid.

These transformers can
generate almost two million
volts of pure electricity.

But today, they're going
to use that electricity
for something else.

To make lightning.

They're going to zap me
and this car
with 800,000 volts,

which is a lot.

Stuff in your house
runs on 240 volts.

If it hits me directly,
they'll clear me away
with a shovel.

You might be thinking
that the tyres are going to
protect me

by insulating the car from
earth because they're rubber.

No. If the electricity can
make it from sky to the car,

it can make it from
the car to the ground.

What's going to
protect me is this.
The body shell itself.

Like all cars,
the new Golf's body
forms a Faraday cage.

And a Faraday cage
is something that
attracts electricity,

and then sends it shooting
around the outside,

so that whatever's inside
shouldn't be harmed.

But the problem is,
this isn't like brakes
or air bags.

Car firms don't test
for lightning strikes.

So I have no idea
how it'll go.

Right. My life is now
in the hands of
A-level physics.

The lightning will come out
of these transformers,
along the wires,

and then shoot down
to the car.

What was that?

MAN:
Okay, I'll start to raise
the voltage now.

He's starting to raise
the "woltage".

Two hundred thousand volts.

We did have a briefing
with the scientist,

and he said to keep
my hands together

towards the centre
of the car and away
from any metal objects.

But it's a car.
It's made of metal.

Four hundred thousand volts.

I can hear a noise.
I can hear a buzzing now.

Six hundred thousand volts.

It's really buzzing now.

I don't know
what's going to happen
when it does come.

I'm about to be hit
by lightning. I know I am.

It's building. It really
is building. It builds
the tension with it.

It's quite a strange...

-You can almost feel
the tension...

Oh, that's scary. That's...

I'm being hit by lightning!

My hands are buzzing.

Hey!

Oh, now it's doing stuff
to my car. I've got "error"
up on the dashboard.

Hand-brake light flashing.

So, it works.

Assuming I'm not now
talking to you with wings
and a harp,

I'm alive.

Question is, is the car?
The electric windows work,
obviously.

Lights, they work.

Stereo... That's nice. Lovely.

Indicators.
I mean, everything.

And it starts! It still works!

Amazing.

CLARKSON: So, um...

So, were you killed
to death, then?

No, I wasn't.
But I did prove that if you
do live in... I don't know,

that thunder storm valley
in Oklahoma

and you crash into
a substation in your car,
everything's gonna be fine.

Good. Another Top Gear
top tip there, very useful.

-Let's do the Cool Wall,
shall we?
-ALL: Yes!

Porsche Carrera GT came here
last week, as you know,

-blitzed our track.
-HAMMOND: Fabulous car.

-119.8. Fastest thing ever.
-Yeah.

-Brilliant car.

-What are we saying?
-Sub-zero.

-Sub-zero?
-Sub-zero.

-Sub-zero?
-Sub-zero.

-HAMMOND: I'm with the masses.
-All completely wrong!

-HAMMOND: No!

Jeremy!

It's vulgar!

Listen to them!
They're right on.
It's not vulgar!

It's a vulgar car.

-It's beautiful!
-If you turn up to pick up
Kristin Scott Thomas in that,

she's gonna say,
"You're showing off."

-Yes, she is. You're right.
-And you're going to go,
"I am, actually."

-It's just a hyper car.
-I disagree.

None of those hyper cars
can be cool.
So what about this, then?

McLaren. SLR.

Sub-zero... Uncool?

Uncool? Wrong. Cool.

-Hang on.

-You agree.
Hang on a minute. You agree?
-Yeah, I think it's cool.

-You think it's cool?
-Yeah.

-You got an opinion
on anything?
-It's cool.

-Who said it was uncool?

Hold on. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Why do you
think it's uncool?

Because it's as vulgar as
the Porsche. In fact it's less
good-looking than the Porsche.

I saw it going round
the track, and it's ghastly.

-He's so wrong!
-Just hang on a second.

Now, according to these new,
again added rules of cool,
according to Clarkson,

you said hyper cars like this
and like that are uncool.

So according to what
you just said, it belongs
down... I mean...

If you turn up to pick
Kristin up in that,

she's going to think
it's a Merc.
Like a C-class diesel.

No, she's not!

You have to be
a monumental car bore
to know that's a McLaren!

-You do!
-It's as spangly
as a giant disco glitter ball!

-Look at it!
-It's cool! It's cool.
And that's an end.

-The thing is... But...
-It's the end!

It's the end
of the discussion!

-Oh, he's scary close-up.
-BMW, 6 Series.

-Hmm.
-What do we think of that?

MAN: Sub-zero.

Cool? Cool?

We think this is a cool car.

And it's a first.
It's the first cool BMW
on our wall.

The question is, though,
is it a good one?

Well, we sent James
west to find out.

MAY: The 645i Coupe.

Basically, a two-door
5 Series.

Unusually for a modern BMW,
most of the styling is
fairly uncontroversial.

You could even call it pretty.

I would.

What's not unusual, though,
is the way it drives.

The engine is in the front
where it should be.

The power goes to
the rear wheels as it should.

And the whole thing
feels like a piece of
precision engineering.

The engine is a 4.4L,
330 horsepower V8.

But don't expect an uncouth
American soundtrack.

You might get

a bit of a V8 rumble.

But for the most parts,
it's just a smooth,
civilised hum.

This interior. Now,
it's not particularly
flashy or flamboyant.

In fact, you could say
it's rather boring.

But everything works.

Everything is somehow exactly
where you'd expect it to be.

It's spacious, too,
for a Coupe, and
it has a large boot.

This is an ideal car, then,
for the businessman

who needs to get home
after a hard day at mill.

Mind you, the owner
of this particular mill won't
like the 6 Series one bit,

because this is Port Talbot,

where they make
four million tonnes
of steel every year.

None of which
ends up in this car.

It looks like steel,
but it's actually a cocktail
of weight-saving materials.

This wing, for example,

is made of plastic
and the bonnet,
that's aluminium.

The idea is to make it
lighter and sharper to drive,

more of an ultimate
driving machine.

So far, there's only one thing
I can find wrong with it.

Because this is a coupe,
they've given it a firm,
sporty suspension.

Then they've fitted it
with these rock-hard,
run flat tyres.

So, you won't have to stop
to change the wheel.

But you might want to stop
at the osteopath.

So, what we have here, then,
is a typical BMW.

And coming up next
is a typical Hammond riposte.

You really can't think about
spending £50,000
or so on a sports coupe

without at least considering
one of these.

The Porsche 911.

For this kind of money,
you're not going to get
a top-end Turbo

and it's not going to
have four-wheel drive, either.

You'll have to settle
for the entry level.

Simple, plain Carrera 2.
And that's good.

Because it's the best
of the bunch.

Where the BMW is
organised and sober,

this is raw and visceral
and exciting.

The BMW's a saloon
in leisurewear.

This feels like it was
designed from day one
to be a sports car.

There's a sense of,
well, completeness

to this bottom rung
of the 911 ladder.

It's made like a gun.

Everything's well-oiled
and accurate and precise
and tough.

Changing gear is like

loading another shell
into a Lee-Enfield 303 rifle.

The suspension on a 911 is,

and I'm trying to describe it.

You feel everything
at the steering wheel.

I can feel the texture
of the road in my hands.

It's like reaching out
and running my hands
along the road.

This, then, is a great car.

Lovely.
But I think it's time now

to re-acquaint ourselves
with something a little less

German.

The Jaguar XK
is eight years old now.

And in here, it's starting
to feel its age.

It's very, very cramped.

It's made of all kind of
things from the far end
of the periodic table.

And although they have tried
to keep it up-to-date
over the years with lots of

new bits of equipment
like Sat Nav and adaptive,
active cruise control,

there was nowhere to put
any of the buttons.

So you can never
find anything!

On the outside, though,
all is well.

Over the years,
they've lowered the suspension

and fitted massive
drug-dealer wheels.

There's been a bit of
dental work at the front,
a bit of Botox here,

a bit of liposuction there,
and the old girl looks like
she was born yesterday.

They've even given her
a new heart.

Like the BMW,
it has a big V8, a 4.2.

But unlike the BMW,
it has a supercharger.

And that means
you get 400bhp.

That's 70 more
than you get from the Beamer

and 80 more than you get
from the Porsche.

This car is seriously quick.

This one has
the optional handling pack
so you get sharper steering,

spikier suspension and bigger
brakes, but I wouldn't
bother with that.

Because really, it's not
what Jags are all about.

It's like playing
five-a-side football
in Blenheim Palace.

What you want is
the standard car

because then you've got
something that's very, very,
very, very fast.

And very comfortable
at the same time.

I have to say, I like
this car more now
than I ever have done,

but how does it stack up

to the Germans?

Well, you've got
the business jet,
I've got the tornado,

where's Hammond
and the Messerschmitt?

-You did say 10:00 a.m.,
didn't you?
-Yeah.

Where the hell is he, then?

Ooh!

CLARKSON: Eventually,
he stopped fooling around

on the Welsh mountain roads
and joined us

at one of the most
remarkable places
in the British Isles.

Pendine Sands.

So, here we are.

All three cars together
on this enormous playground.

And now we must decide
which is best.

All we learn to begin with
is just how hard it is

to drive a powerful,
rear-drive car on wet sand.

They just go sideways.
Constantly.

After many hours
of arduous fun,
I mean, practice,

we worked out that the Jag
and the Porsche were a riot.

And the BMW? Well, that was
a bit like watching your dad
trying to dance.

Strewth! I'm giving this up!
This is lethal.

CLARKSON: It's not bad,

but it simply doesn't have
the exuberance of the Jaguar

or the poise of the Porsche.

However, maybe things
would be different in
a straight-line drag race.

This will be a drag race
with a difference because

there's so little traction
on the beach that
there's every chance

you can spin
in a straight line.

I'm fairly sure one of us...

Maybe all of us will cross
the line either backwards

or upside down.

-And we're off!

The rear engine in the Porsche
meant it had better traction
off the line,

but the sheer power
of the Jag meant it couldn't
pull out much of a lead.

That Porsche
is completely planted.

The car moves around a lot
as you accelerate.

CLARKSON: And the BMW?
That was nowhere.

Come on, car!
Won't go in a straight line!

It isn't so much a test
of how fast the car goes,

but how able you are to hold
it in a straight line on what
feels more like sheet ice.

You can feel it snatching and
grabbing as it gets grip
and then loses it.

Jag is in the lead!

HAMMOND: Whoa!

-CLARKSON: Hammond's gone!
-Oh! That's a big one!

Whoo-hoo!

Hammond beat me
going backwards!

CLARKSON:
Let's not forget, though,

that the BMW
is the most spacious car here,

with the largest rear seats
and the biggest boot.

It's also the cheapest
by £6,000.

And it will look good in
the Pringle-ised world
of your local golf club.

But here, though, at Britain's
birthplace of speed,
it is completely outclassed.

To find out
if my colleagues
shared this view,

we peeled off
for a cup of tea.

So, chaps,

if it were your money,
you had to go out tomorrow
and buy one of those cars,

big two-door coupe,
lot of money,
what's it gonna be?

For its drive, and it's so
far ahead of the Jaguar,
as a drive,

I'd have to have the 911.

I mean, I'm not really
a 911 sort of person,
but I get in that car

and I drive away
and I think, "Wow,
this is really special."

But I'd have the Jag.
It's a huge car,

you're sitting
in a tiny cabin.

You're using an immense amount
of fuel, but it's sort of...
It's all yours.

Now I'll tell you the...
The worry for me would be,
if you bought the 911,

at some point you are
going to be on a country road
enjoying that brilliant drive,

you're going to look in your
mirror and you're gonna see
one of those Jags and think,

"Oh, I should have
gone for that one."

I'll tell you what I think
is interesting here.

We haven't discussed the BMW.

-HAMMOND: Well, it's boring.
-It's like Munich, actually.

-But it is. If you think
about it, you go to Munich,

you get a fantastic hotel,
the place looks great,

it's clean and tidy,
the services are good,
food's great. The lot of it.

You come home
and you never think,

"Wish I was still in Munich."

-It just leaves you
feeling completely cold.
-There's no magic in it.

-It's boring.
-Completely boring.

-So that's gone.
You'd have the Jag.
-I'd have the Jag.

-Yes. 911.
-And you'd have the 911.

So go on. Casting vote.

-Go on, you got to
spend money on one.
-I don't know, honestly...

-Logic dictates
I buy the Porsche.
-It does.

-But I wouldn't.
-You'd go for the Jag?

I think... I've just
made my mind up.
I'd have the Jag.

-I can totally see why.
I really can, but...
-It is magnificent.

-It's a majority verdict.
-Yeah.

And it's the Jag.

I wish it had more space.

I wish it had a limited
slip differential.

I wish all the buttons
made sense.

But you would never tire,
ever, of the way it goes
from 80, 90,

100, 110...

It's just like you've got
this huge supercharger

with a small V8 shoved
on the back as a sort of
afterthought.

That's what it's all about,
really, with cars like this.
Excitement!

And it's excitement
that the Jag delivers,
in spades.

It's a great car.

That and the Porsche.

Um...

I would just like to say,
if I may, at this point,

that the BMW arrived here
this morning, and The Stig
took it out.

It set a blistering time.
One minute 28 point something.

So, on the track, at least,
it is very, very fast, this.

But it is still kind of
cold and clinical.

And it is riddled with faults.
The seats are
very uncomfortable.

The driving position's
rubbish. The satellite
navigation's useless.

If you go for a manual
gear box, the clutch is
completely unmanageable.

Even worse than
it is in the Z4.

The ride is appalling.

And I think I know why
it costs £6,000 less than
the Jaguar and Porsche.

You know, the designer
of the 5 Series died
after he'd finished it.

-He did.
-This one died
while he was doing it.

Only half of it's styled.
Look, I'll show you.

He's cut it along here.
Perfectly well.
Nice straight line.

Got to here and lost the will
to live. Look!

And then someone else came
along and just sort of plonked
a big duvet on the back.

But at least it didn't
manage to spoil our day.

Because when you said
we were going to drive
all the way up to that beach

at the end of Wales,
which is 5,000 miles away...

Yeah, Nevada would have been
more convenient.

I thought you
were mad at first.
But when we got there,

-what a place and what a day!
-It was such a lot of fun.