Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Bullseye! The Boys Play Car Darts - full transcript

CLARKSON:
On today's show,
can you play darts with cars?

Which is faster?
A Ford or a pigeon?

And can this new Porsche
break the lap record
on our track?

Good evening
and welcome to the Audi A8.

Now, this one has
a twin turbo-charged,
V8 diesel engine.

It does naught to 60
in six seconds
and that's brilliant.

But surely, the whole point
of a diesel engine
is fuel economy.

So, I thought I'd set myself
a bit of a challenge.

See if I could drive this
enormous car
from London to Edinburgh

on a single tank of fuel.

Now, who thinks
that's possible?



AUDIENCE: No.

You think it's possible. No?
Anyone think it is possible?

You think it is possible?

-MAN: Definitely possible.
-Definitely possible?

See, the thing is, my car
does 270 miles
before it's out. Yeah?

My mum's forever telling me
that her little Honda Jazz
does 340 miles.

You think I could do
400 miles in that?

All right,
what if I up the ante a bit?

What if... What if I tried to
drive from London to Edinburgh

and then back to London again
on a single tank?

-No?
-AUDIENCE: No.

-You don't think so?
-No.

Right. Well,
you're the experts.
Well, sort of.

-Thank you.
So, that's 800 miles?
-Yeah.



-In this car, V8 twin turbo...
-Yeah.

-No modifications,
one tank of fuel?
-Nope.

-That's a stupid idea.
-Yeah.

You're mad. Unless you fill
the whole boot with diesel,
you're not gonna do it.

I agreed with that.

But fuel's now running out
at what? 4...

-BOTH: £4.50.
-About £4.50 a gallon.

So probably a good time now
to see just how many miles
you can eke from a gallon.

I therefore accepted
my own challenge.

My name is Jack Bauer.

And this is the most
economical 24 hours
of my life.

It's 7:00 a.m. and this is
a good time to start,

partly because
the roads are quiet

and partly because
this is a good time
for filling up with fuel.

You see, in the morning,
when it's cold, and it is
very cold this morning,

fuel is more dense than it is
on a hot afternoon,

so you're getting
a little bit more
for your money.

One thing, though.

Don't, whatever you do,
forget to take any unnecessary
weight out of the boot.

Right, I've got 19.8 gallons
in the tank and a journey of
800 miles ahead of me.

That means averaging
40.4 miles to the gallon.

A tall order in a car
as powerful as this.

Even Audi say that what
I'm attempting to do
is impossible.

They say this car will only do
37 miles to the gallon

and that I won't make it back.

There are one or two things
I can do to help, though.

You have to make sure
the car cuts as smooth a hole
as possible in the air.

Driving with the window down,
for instance, increases
fuel consumption by 5%.

And to make matters worse,

you can't use
the air conditioning either

because that does
even more damage.

In a Honda Civic,
for instance,

if you get 36 miles
to the gallon normally,

you turn the air-con on,
that drops to
30 miles to the gallon.

You lose 6 MPG.

In fact, you shouldn't use
any electrical gadgets unless
it's absolutely necessary.

The heated rear window's
a complete no-no.

And heated seats, forget it.

Happily, the radio uses such
a small amount of power
that I can use that.

But surveys have shown
that fast, aggressive music

-causes drivers
to grow lead feet.

So, thrash metal doesn't just
hurt your ears, it
damages your wallet as well.

On this journey,
then, it will be
Radio 2 all the way.

RADIO DJ: So, was that a hit
again in the 90's in '95,
'97 or '99?

'97.

WOMAN ON RADIO:
I don't know.
I think '95.

-RADIO DJ: No, it was '97...
-You see?

Bad luck... Sad Cafe.

CLARKSON: There's one
interesting thing I've noticed
that when I started out,

I had the cruise control on
and I was averaging,

according to
the trip computer,

about 32, 33
miles to the gallon.

Since I've taken
the cruise control off
and I'm using my own foot,

I've got it up to an average
of 40 miles to the gallon,

which is nearly good enough.

It's amazing how much
thinking and concentrating
you have to do

to drive economically.

You got to think
"Is that guy gonna pull up?

"I've got to match my speed
to him. Lifting off..."

You must never ever brake.

Ever, ever touch the brakes.
Ever.

If people concentrated
this hard to drive fast,

no one would ever crash. Ever.

Ah, this is the northeast
where there are many hills,

and hills are
a big problem for the
economy-minded motorist.

The trick is to build up speed
before you get to an incline

and then try not to accelerate
when you're on it.

So, thrash metal
for going down a hill...

...and then, the Carpenters
for going up the other side.

Reach the crest and off.

And I've still only done
39 miles to the gallon!

What more do you want from me?

Six hours on the road.

I think I do want a wee.

But I can't stop
because that would mean
starting the engine again,

and starting an engine
uses a load of fuel.

So, a New York
taxi driver trick

and you're
not allowed to watch.

Now, if I'd come to Edinburgh
in a petrol-powered Audi A8,

I'd need to find
a filling station.

But thanks to
the diesel engine
in this one, I don't.

The thing is, though,

it might not need
a drink but I do.

So, I think I'll find
somewhere to stay

and we'll pick this up again
in the morning.

Time, I think,
for a status report
and the news isn't good.

We know it to be 400 miles
back to London.

And if we look
at the trip computer,

it tells me that I will
run out of diesel
in 340 miles.

I can take some comfort from
the good, old-fashioned
fuel gauge,

which says I have half a tank.

Good. Half a tank to get here,
therefore, half a tank
to get back.

Except I didn't use
half a tank getting here.

I used half a tank,

plus the amount that was in
the fuel filler pipe thing,

and that was,
probably, half a gallon,
that's 23 miles.

23 miles that I don't have
on the return leg.

I think I'm going to wind up
on a hard shoulder.

Well, we'll find out later on,
whether I make it back

or whether
I have to use a tow truck.

I wanna talk about e-mails,
if I may.

As you know, all you ever
get on your e-mail
in a morning is,

"Would you like
a bigger genital?"

-Mmm-hmm.

And a friend has sent you
something that isn't funny

that takes half an hour
to download.

However we were sent
an e-mail the other day...

-It was quite funny,
and it had a car in it...
-It is.

So we thought, well,
we'll share it with you.

A pigeon, look,
and a Ford Sportka.

Now, I thought
that was a bit mean
on the pigeon,

so I decided to set that car
a little challenge.

This is a racing pigeon.

He's like a valuable
thoroughbred a the sky
full of vermin.

A good one of these
is worth £11,000.

And this is the Ford Sportka.

It's also worth £11,000,

but it doesn't
defecate on your hand.

Now the question is,
which is fastest in a race?

The car or this pigeon?

The Sportka peaks at
108 miles per hour,

and the pigeon
maxes out at 70.

But top speed
is not the issue in this race.

Oh, no.

You see,
the racing pigeon is nature's
ultimate navigator.

It can find its way
from point to point

faster than just about
any living thing.

But is it a match

for the most advanced
satellite navigation system,
money can buy?

This is the X1.

2.5 grams worth
of 21st century gadgetry.

It covers
3.7 million miles of road

and it's got more
computing power
than Bill Gates' briefcase.

Right, here's the challenge.

We're all starting
down here in Windrush,
which is in the Cotswolds,

and we're racing about
100 miles to Mansfield,

which is just north of
Nottingham up here.

-A minute to go.
-MAN: A minute to go!

I'm going to fire up my X1.

This is easy. Address search.

City, Mansfield.

Poplar Grove, P, O...
It's got it already.

MAN: 30 seconds to go!

MAY: One, two, three, four,
five different routes
it's suggesting,

but the red one
is the quick one.

That's 122 miles,
a journey time of
two hours, 13 minutes.

Today, the pigeons
should average
50 miles per hour,

so it's gonna be close.

Let 'em go.

MAY: Right, here we go.
Mankind's finest A-Z
versus a birdbrain.

And may
the best thing win.

Now, you probably think
the pigeon just goes
straight from A to B,

as the crow flies,
but actually it doesn't.

Boffins now believe
pigeons use roads
and rivers as route-finders

and the Earth's magnetic field
as a compass.

By contrast,
my SatNav is guided
by 12 satellites

from space.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
In half a mile, turn right.

Right-o, miss.

The bird, of course,
has a bird's eye view,

but, in fact, so do I.

Look at this.

Of course, there are lots of
obstacles down here that he
doesn't have to contend with.

I do get some warnings
of this stuff on my SatNav.

Information about accidents
and hold-ups are broadcast,

this system picks them up.

And then it automatically
re-routes me

with no intervention from me,
it just does it.

Can a pigeon do that? No.

Does a pigeon need to? No.

With 90 minutes gone,
the SatNav has guided me
nicely round some accidents,

and I'm on the M1
with just 30 miles left.

But then... Oh, dear.

An M1 traffic jam,
and it hasn't told me.

Advantage, pigeon.

With just 15 miles to go,
I'm on the B roads,

and this is where the Sportka
is at its best. In corners.

It sticks like pigeon guano
to a car bonnet.

The SatNav
will back me up on this,

because it even has a gizmo
for measuring
sideways G-force.

But this is a mere
sideshow distraction

because the SatNav says
I have just three miles to go.

And... Go. Go!

-Yeah, all right!

Oh, we're very close.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have arrived
at your destination.

Yes! Made it.

Are you where John lives,
with the pigeon?

-No? You got a pigeon?
-No.

-His name's John, I think.
-John?

Poplar Grove, Forest Town,
Mansfield.

This isn't Forest Town.
This is Church Warsop.

MAY: This isn't Forest Town,
that's why.

We can find it on our machine.
It's all right.
It'll find it for us.

If you...

Right, this thing
is only as good as the bloke
who programmes it,

which, in this case,
is a complete clod.

What I should've done is
use the machine's new
seven-digit postcode locator.

Get the man in the satellite
to twiddle his zoom lens.

There we go,
that's where we're going.

That cock-up has cost me
25 minutes

and put me
three miles off course.

Finally, Pigeon Central,
but is it too late?

Have we lost?

I'm afraid so.

-Can I see the bird
that beat us, please?
-Uh...

There's 14 in there.

14?

That really is rubbing it in!

The pigeon was in
at 11:48 and 40.

It was a massacre.

Even without my mistake,

the pigeons would
still have won
by half an hour.

Right, we've lost.

Let's go home.

It was a good effort.

Now, the thing is, James,

that I drove this Sportka
around the track this morning,

it was a
fantastic little thing.

It's an excellent car.

Really brilliant. I mean
the engine's a bit strangled,

-but compared to, I don't
know, a Citroen C2 GT...
-MAY: Oh, yeah.

-...way, way, way better,
and good value.
-Excellent value.

-And the satellite navigation
you had in there...
-It's brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

And yet, because
you programmed it wrong,

-you lost the race.
-Yeah.

And as a result of
your incompetence,
we now have to say,

that if anybody out there
wants to buy a small, nippy,
agile fast hatch-back,

-they have to buy a pigeon.
-Hmm.

Now, over the years,
Subaru and Mitsubishi

have been locked in combat
trying to outperform,

out-handle and
out-horsepower each other

with their road-going
rally cars.

And then other thing is,
every time they launch
a new model,

they try and outdo each other
with the quantity
of letters and numbers

after the cars' names.

So, these are
the two new models.

This is the Subaru Impreza,

STI WRX WR1.

This is the Mitsubishi Lancer
Evolution VIII

MR FQ 320.

Now, we could've just done
an ordinary road test
on these cars,

but to be honest,
that's not the point.

What really matters
between these two is
which one is the fastest?

And there's only
one solution to that.

It's called The Stig.

-HAMMOND: Right, the Evo
launches clearly off the line.

I was a bit worried that
the weight of all that
badging might slow it down,

but it seems
pretty good so far.

Hard breaking into Chicago,
lots of tyre squeal,

-but it's very tidy.

Now we come down, of course,
towards the real test shortly,

Hammerhead.

We'll see what happens with
four-wheel drive

and the clever Active Yaw
Control Differential.

There's a bit of
under-steer there.

So we're gonna pick up
the pace when we get
to the Follow-through.

Let's see.

Oh! That's much better!

Ooh! Look at that!
Two corners to go.

Almost on the grass there!
Stig thinks
he's actually in a rally.

Siding into Gambon.

And across the line in...

-Are you ready?
-Yes. Go on.

One minute, 26 exactly.

That's nearly as quick
as the Lamborghini Gallardo!

I know. That's a very...

-Where's the old one gone?
-Down here. Look.

So, it's about two...
Nearly three seconds
faster than the old one.

-HAMMOND: And there's
the old Impreza, 1:30.
-1:30.

That's a very fast car.

-Very fast.
-Which means,

the pressure really is on
the Subaru.
Let's see how it does.

So the Subaru really
is up against it.
Smoking off the line.

-Up to the first corner.

And there's under-steer there,
that's not a good start.

Chicago now,
and more under-steer!

Right, now the real test
through the Hammerhead.

Oh, my word! That is awful!

The Impreza already
four horsepower
down on the Evo,

so it's got to out-handle it
to beat its time.

Good through
the Follow-through.

Oh, look at that!

Maybe it can pull
something out of the bag.

Much better in the
penultimate corner then,
more under-steering,

Gambon
and across the line!

I've never heard
so much tyre squeal
from any car out there.

I know.
It was astonishing, wasn't it?

I'm not expecting a fast time.

No. Well, it is 1:29.4.

-Nine?
-Nine.

-So, it's only a bit faster
than the old one.
-A bit, yes.

Which was 1:30...
We can remove...

And it's actually slower
than the old Evo VIII

-F, Q... 300.
-B... STI. Yeah.

So, there we are. I think
The Stig actually got out
one of his rare utterances.

He said that the Subaru
was a good boy's car

but that, the Mitsubishi,
is a man's car.

See? There we go.
Another question answered.

Now we know
this is the faster car,

therefore the Mitsubishi
is the better car.

Mind you,
if you think the Evo is fast,

wait till you see
our guest tonight.

He can do 147 in like,
15 seconds,

without a car.

And that's because he is
the World Snooker Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ronnie O'Sullivan is here!

Ronnie!
How are you? Have a seat.

First of all,

hearty congratulations
on the big win.

-Yeah.
-Feel good?

Yeah, it was great.
It was my dream
to win the world title.

To win it twice
was even better.

Fantastic.
And they are saying now
that you're the greatest

natural talent
at snooker, ever.

-Yeah.

I know for a fact you were
a keen car enthusiast
from an early age.

-Yeah.
-And then when you started
making it in snooker,

they gave you a Rover 216.

-Yeah.

I was chuffed.
I was happy with that.

'Cause I'm thinking
it's an incentive.

I think that's probably
not a bad idea
for all sportsmen.

Give them a Rover.
It's an incentive
to do better.

214, start winning,

-and you can buy yourself
a decent car.
-Exactly, yeah.

So you got going
and your first car was what

when you really started...

It was a BMW 318i.

-318?
-Yeah.

-Oh, dear.

Did you crash it?

Uh, yeah, I did.
It was the police's fault.

-Was it really?
-'Cause they were following me

and I knew they was going to
pull me over, but they
just kept following me.

And I just kept looking in
my mirror and I went
to turn right,

but I wasn't looking forward
at what was
coming the other way.

So, I was guilty, yeah.

Didn't you once crash a car
into a hotel reception?

Yeah. It was in Blackpool.

We were staying
in this nice hotel.

I was driving up the driveway
and I was just, a bit too fast

and I ended up
going through the reception.

-Sort of ran into it.

So, what do you drive
now then? Now
you've smashed you BMWs up?

Um, I've got a Mercedes
and a Bentley.

-A Mercedes...
-500SL.

-A 500?
-I know.

-Oh, dear.
-I know.

A World Champion
and you've only
bought the 500?

It's been lucky for me so
that's why I'm...
I don't want to get rid of it.

-But it's a bit wet.

It's all right, it does me.

-It barely moves!
You might as well...
-I'll have to get a new one.

...get an armchair and
get your mum
to push you around in it.

It's the same thing.
Get a 55!

-So you got Bentley as well?
-The GT one.

-Oh, the Continental.
-That's really nice.

-You like that?
-I like driving that.

Don't you think it's a bit
of a Volkswagen?

-Nah.
-Really?

-Nah.
-It is.

-Is it?
-Yeah.

Well, Aston's are Fords,
aren't they?

Yeah. Have you seen the DB9?

Yeah, I've seen the DB9. Yeah.

-And you think...
-It's a lovely car.

-Very nice.
-Gonna get one?

Uh, my mum...
She's a bit strict
on me spending...

She is.

-You've got the world record,
haven't you, for...
-The fastest 147.

The fastest 147.

-Which was how long?
-Mmm. 5:20.

Big prize money as well
for that, wasn't it?

Uh, about 170 grand.

For 5:20?

I'd go and buy a DB9.
Honestly.
I'll just go straight...

Do it again in about
5:50.

Do you... That's the point,
will they pay you that again
if you beat it again?

Uh... Yeah, I've had it since.

I'd just do it every day.

Um, now...

I guess you've been looking...

'Cause you cancelled
your holiday to come
and do this, didn't you?

-Well, sort of, yeah.
-You see?

He's a bit keen to come
and give this one a whirl.

We have this thing
on the show, every week,

where we keep a chart
for how late our guest is.

The star
in a Reasonably Priced Car.

Currently, it was
Simon Cowell, okay?

He was 1 hour 15 minutes late.

Jordan blew that away.
A full 2 hours late.

This guy rocked up four hours
before being asked to!

-Four hours early!

So you are a pretty
keen car person.

I was made up.
I couldn't wait to get here.

I was gonna come down
last night!

Who'd like to see the lap?

-Yeah?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, here we go.
Let's have a look.

Well, you've managed to make
that thing wheelspin further
than anyone else.

Gotta say, Ronnie,
that's very good.

That's very, very good
through there.

Now let's have a look.
Under-steer close to the line.

CLARKSON: Ooh, it's
a bit wide.
RONNIE: Bit wide?

CLARKSON: Bit wide.

Well, you rescued that one.
That's all right.

-Did I?
-That's all right.

CLARKSON: Hammerhead.
Hard one, this one.

I don't know.
It's hard to say.

It's a bit like watching
those Evos earlier.

It's a hard one to call,
'cause it was more aggressive
than Jodie Kidd was.

That's nice. I like the...

-CLARKSON: Whoa!

You keep your foot in it?

No, I took it off.

CLARKSON: And to lift off
at Gambon
and across the line!

Apparently...

Apparently

that was your fastest lap.

Even though you had to lift,
but you have to lift
for Gambon anyways,

so it's no big deal.
So you ready for the time?

Where do you think
you're gonna come?

About 1:50. 1:50, 1:51.

-No!
-What, worse?

-Faster than 1:50.
-Ah.

1:48.

-You're up to JK, Jodie Kidd
speed, there.
-Yeah.

-Jodie Kidd.
-Faster.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

1:47.6.

You are 1:47.3!

You have moved...

...into second place!

-You're probably feeling
a bit gutted about that.
-I am, yeah.

Don't worry, though.
Because you've now
got the chance

-to get your own back,
all right?
-Yeah.

Come with me, come with me.

Okay, right.
Now you see, the thing is...

What we've got here
is a snooker table,

or, as Richard Hammond
said when he arrived here
this morning,

"Crikey, a football pitch!"

As you can see, we've got four
red balls there, okay?

So what we were wondering is,
can you sink everything
on this table...

-That's how many balls?
-14.

-14 balls.
-Yeah.

Faster than The Stig
can get round the lap?

MAN: Ooh!

Okay? Now, normally
at the Crucible,

if somebody's mobile phone
goes off...

-Big distraction,
what happens?
-They get thrown out.

-They get thrown out
because that's a distraction.
-Yeah.

We've got a slightly

-bigger distraction
than that for you.
-Okay.

Would you like to have a look
what car The Stig's
going to be driving,

while you're doing this?

Turn round on that telly.
Can we show it?

-What is that?

It's his.

Mercedes SL!

They actually did
the same thing to me once,

just nicked the car.

Um, all right. So, here we go.

-We reckon that car
because it is only a 500...
-Hmm.

And it's not going to be
that fast, we reckon about,
1:35, 1:40?

14 balls in one minute,
40 seconds.

-You reckon?
-I don't know...

Let's... Let's give it
a whirl.

-You're allowed to
take the break. Okay?
-Yeah.

And be satisfied with the
position of the red
before we start the clock.

Okay? Here we go.

You've missed.

Oh, no... Wait.

-Yeah, I'll take that.
-You'll take that?

Okay, so right. Here we go.

Ready? Hold on,
I'll start you.

Three, two, one, go!

He's got one in!

Ooh, there's a lot of
tyre smoke there, Ronnie
and it's your tyres!

Try not to be put off.

He's coming up
to the first corner now!

Ooh, my word!
He's got a bit of
backspin there!

He's off the track!

He's off the track!
Here we go now.
Where's he got to?

He's coming up to Chicago now!

Let's be having a look
at what he's doing.

-He's not got much power
to play with!

No, no.

Well, the backspin's
nearly off again.

How's he going here?
One more...

Now he's on the pave...
One more red to go.

As The Stig is now heading
toward the Hammerhead.

-Come on,
get out the way!

The world's
worst referee brought in!

Here we go. Well, that's all
the reds gone.
And The Stig is now...

He really is...
He's gonna under-steer that.

Don't look at the screen, man!
It's gonna slow you down.

He's fighting, he's wrestling.

Okay, now he's coming up now
to the Follow-through.

This is where
you had the problem.

Well, he's gone. He's around.

He's going around.
He's really moving!

He's nearly off
the track there!

Go on, Stig!

Go, Stiggy!

He's going through!

He's gonna miss! It's in!

The Stig's coming around now.
Second to the last corner.

He's on the second
to last corner,
turning in.

He's coming up
to the last corner!

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-My boy!
-Oh, look at that.

And now he's across the line!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ronnie O'Sullivan!

-Brilliant!

-Fantastic!
-Yeah.

All of a sudden, my challenge
looks a bit pathetic.

Earlier on in the show,
I was attempting to get
from London to Edinburgh,

and then back to London again

in a V8 twin-turbo
Audi diesel.

We left the action
in Edinburgh
with the trip computer saying,

I was gonna run out,
'cause I was gonna do it
on a single tank.

I was gonna run out
60 miles north of London.

You're probably thinking,
"What is the big deal?"

I mean, if you fail,
if you run out,

it's not like
you're gonna skip
off the Earth's atmosphere

and be lost in space forever.

That's true.
But I will wind up
on the hard shoulder,

and, A: That's illegal,

driving on a motorway,
knowing that you're
gonna have to stop.

And, B: You can't just
fill up a diesel engine
from a little can,

and then set off again.

You have to bleed
the whole system.

Now do you think
I wanna do that

on a hard shoulder
after an 800-mile drive?

That is why
I really wanna make it.

Really wanna make it.

I can't see where I'm going.

And I can't turn my heater on
because I have no amps.

I'm so cold!

This is dangerous.
I have to turn my heater on.

Oh, that's so nice!

But powering up the heater
to demist the windows

played havoc
with the re-entry procedure.

This is North Yorkshire.

And that fuel gauge is now

as near
as makes no difference,
really into the red.

I have to average
40.4 miles to the gallon,

but since I left Edinburgh...

Well, I've only
averaged 35 miles
to the gallon.

And that's nowhere
near enough,
just nowhere near enough!

The fuel warning light is on.

It's on as I
go past Nottingham.

So, Nottingham to London
on reserve fuel.

That's gonna be interesting.

At no point on this journey,

and I've now been on the move
for 15 hours and 17 minutes,

have I exceeded 1,200 rpm,
basically tick over.

This engine must be thinking,
"What has bought the car?

"It must be the manager
of a mattress company."

But despite
the careful driving,

the trip computer still said
I was going to miss London
by 35 miles.

Remember that scene
in Apollo 13?

Jim Lovell, Fred Haise,
the other one,

in their little capsule,
freezing cold,
only got 12 amps to get back.

"Gotta shut the computer down!

"Gotta shut it all down!
Shut it down now!

"We've never lost
a Top Gear presenter
on a mission.

"That's not about to happen
on my watch!"

Except, of course,
I think it probably

is going to happen
on my watch.

Right, it's 45 miles to get
back to the petrol station
where we started,

and I have hit a traffic jam.

The computer is saying
I've got 10 miles to go
before I run out.

The fuel gauge
is off the bottom now.

Things, I'm afraid,
at this point,

just outside Milton Keynes,
they look bleak.

So it's time, really, to do
what they always do
in Hollywood disaster films,

and that's reach
for a photograph

of my children.

There's my kids!

Tell them I love them
if I don't make it back.

Tell them I love them so much!

We're moving again.

We're picking up speed.
I'm up to 40 miles an hour.

Come on.

Yes! Yes! I'm gonna make it!

I've been told to expect
a misfire before
the engine actually stops.

This is a sort of
last-minute warning,

an electronic
kind of interference, to say,

"You really have got to stop
and put some fuel in now."

But still,
I don't have this...
I don't have this misfire.

That's it. The computer
is now saying "no miles".

No miles to go.

What is this thing running on?

Every single dial and read-out
on my entire spacecraft, car,

is telling me I'm out.

That's it.

That was a cough.

It keeps just coughing,
and then being okay again.

I wonder if Audi know
that they have
inadvertently built

the world's first
air-powered engine.

What is it running on?

-I can hear the fuel pump.

A very, very, very
faint whine.

I can just hear it,
kind of sucking on nothing.

I will feel
if I can make it back,

I will feel as though,
I know it sounds ridiculous,

as though this was
a worthwhile thing.

I mean, I've learned
to drive quickly, now I've
learnt to drive slowly.

Come on! Come on!

I really can't
break down here,
not in a contraflow.

I would sack myself
from motoring journalism
if that were to happen.

One mile
to the end of the motorway.

One mile.
Damn, I can almost coast that.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

I've honestly got, like,
a tight knot in my stomach

that I might
just conceivably do this.

That's not a red light.
It is a red light for us.
Shit.

Holy mother of God,
I can see the garage.

We're talking yards now,
yards to go.

This is the garage I filled up
at yesterday morning.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is how we do that.

This car has gone
from London to Edinburgh
and back again

with a V8 engine

on one tank of fuel.

I am absolutely
lost for words.

That is one astonishing car.

CLARKSON: That was amazing.

I have to say...

I have to say

that was the most
mentally exhausting thing
I've ever done.

-Yeah, it looked it.
-Had to concentrate so hard,

but the savings
are absolutely amazing.

I mean this car,
if you drive it normally,

should do about
21 miles to the gallon.

Now, by driving it
super-carefully

I got that up to
over 40 miles to the gallon.

So, over a year,
that would save you
about £650 in fuel.

You'd be rich!

-You'd be late for everything.
Yeah.
-For everything.

You did look
a bit miserable as well,
to be honest.

-And tired. God, awful.
-Yes.

Obviously you took that
to extremes.

-Nobody is going
to drive like that, really.
-No. No.

But there are some tips
we can take away from this.

For instance, I now realise
my boot is full of junk,

and I'm actually paying extra
to haul that weight around.

Oh, absolutely.
Weight is a complete killer.

I mean,
if you see two hitchhikers
at the side of the road,

leave the fat one.

-Yeah.

There's something else
as well.

This time of year,
you see people driving along
on a camping holiday.

They've got a garden chair
on the roof.

You know,
I was talking about drag,
aerodynamic drag.

We worked out that
if you drove that journey with
a garden chair on the roof,

the drag would mean
you'd spend an extra
£10.52 in fuel.

Really? So it's cheaper
to buy one when you're there.

Oh, yeah. Much cheaper. Yeah.

Did you work that out
on the way?

-Yeah, that's how bored
I was at various points.
-You really were.

There's another one as well.

And this is an amazing thing,
which I didn't realise,

is, you know, when you're
coasting up to a junction,

you might knock it
into neutral thinking,
"I'm not using anything."

In neutral, an engine
uses a little bit of fuel
to stop itself stalling.

But if you coast up to a
roundabout or traffic lights,
okay, still in gear,

drive or in gear, okay...
Like that.

A modern engine
uses no fuel at all. Nothing.

So you're getting those,
like, 300 yards for free.

-Do you know what?
-What?

I think I preferred
the old Jeremy, to be honest.

I prefer being the old Jeremy,
you know.
I don't like economy runs.

But don't worry,
normal service will be resumed
in a few minutes.

I think we should
move onto something
perhaps a little more fatuous.

Now, in a James Bond film,
there's always a scene

where a car
makes a preposterous leap
through the air.

And the way they do this is,

they fire the car
off the end of this huge
gas-powered cannon.

Now, they're not making
a James Bond film
at the moment,

so we were wondering,
what else could you do
with that cannon?

This is a quarry.

And here, painted on the floor
of the quarry,
is a very big dartboard.

Up here, on this cliff,
we have six used cars,

which, if you squint,
could look a bit like darts.

So, dartboard, cars.

I think you can see
where this is going.

We're going to take it
in turns to throw
our darts at the dartboard,

three darts each,
the highest score wins...

Probably a speedboat
or something.

HAMMOND: Now, because these
cars weigh a little bit more
than the average pub arrows,

we'll need this!

Our mega-powerful
James Bond cannon!

It works using nitrogen,
compressed at about 1,400psi.

It comes out
of the end of the cannon,

and it will power the car
forwards with a thrust
of about 20 tonnes.

Now, the important thing
to know is this.

We can vary
the amount of pressure

which will affect the distance
and the angle of the car,

so we've got control
over the power
and the elevation.

So there is some
skill in this. Oh, yes.

MAY: Because we have
such a motley collection
of cars,

we thought we'd start with
two of roughly equal weight

to get our eye in,

the Vauxhall Astra
and the Ford Orion.

But who was to throw first?

BOTH: One, two, three...

-But...
-That was fair. That was fair.

MAY: Now, I have no idea
what I'm doing,
so here goes nothing!

-Are we ready?
-MAN: Yeah.

-Yes!

MAY: That's a 25.

HAMMOND: Yeah, all right, 25.
No, I'll grant you that.

That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen!

Right, my go.

I always liked
that shape of Astra.

My dad had one and crashed it.

-You're gonna crash
this one in a minute.
-Mmm-hmm. Big style.

Fractionally up from there.

MAY: That is an overshoot,
if ever I saw one.

HAMMOND: Just look and learn.

-Oh, that's a... It's a 25!
-No, that was 10. That's a 10.

It landed in the 10, easily.

James, that is more 25
than yours. The entire car...

No, we said
where the car lands.
It landed in the...

-Look at that.
-No, it didn't.

That landed in the 10.

-This is...
-There's the groove in the
ground where the car landed.

And anyway... Actually, no,
the front would have been
in the 25.

-Rubbish. Here is where
the Vauxhall badge fell off.

- This is rather
conveniently placed.
-In the 10 circle.

-That's 10 points for you,
making me 15 in front.
-Fine. Yes.

So I get to choose cars.

A full 1,200psi, please.

More elevation,
about 40 degrees.

To make the bull's-eye
a more exciting proposition,
we've put a caravan on it.

That caravan...
That is genius, whoever
thought of that addition.

-It was me.
-It's not a bad idea.

-MAN: Fire.

That was rubbish! I mean,
it was really good to watch
but it was just pathetic.

Maybe it's not as heavy
as I thought.

HAMMOND: Now,
I've asked for 800.

I think you've overdone it.

No, there's plenty
of elevation.
I don't think I have.

-MAN: Fire!

HAMMOND: Whoa! Ooh!

-MAY: It's a five.
It was a five.
-That was... I thought...

-Superb drama,
but only a five, I'm afraid.

I thought
that was going in there.

There.

-And I'm now on 15.
-Yes.

-Strike through the... Yep.
-All right!

HAMMOND: This is James' last
car, and he's well
in the lead.

-Okay, James!
-Are you ready?

-I'm braced!

-Yes! Yes! Yes!
-No!

MAY: It's got to hit it.
HAMMOND: It's got to
hit it straight.

I have to admit
that was a five.

-Still, it was good one.
-And that you were right.

Our final car
is Hammond's Volvo.

He's 15 points behind
and needs either
an inner or a bully to win.

But the real prize
would be the caravan.

It's quite a happy
coming together of Volvo
and caravan.

-It's kind of apt, isn't it?
-But not in the way
that we would expect.

-MAN: Fire!

Go on. Yes!

-You can have that.
-Oh, yes.

That was a good feeling.
Volvo kills caravan!

Fifty points!

-Final scores, 30-65.

But we are all winners
because the caravan bought it.

You know,

that's the 19th caravan
we've destroyed on this
programme in 12 months.

This is the most exciting,
the best looking,
the most expensive,

and the fastest road-going
Porsche ever made.

It's called the Carrera GT.

And I'm going to start
by looking at it
from a German's point of view.

This is interesting.

The crank is only 98.5mm
from the floor of the car.

The reason
why the crank is so low

is because the clutch,
which I have here,
is so small.

It's got two plates
made from carbon fibre
and silicon carbide.

Ooh!

Sorry, that happens sometimes
when I say silicon carbide.

Ooh!

Uh, anyway, let's see
how much it weighs.

Pop it in the scales
that we have here.

And we've got some sugar.
There's two bags.

Three bags.

And four bags.
Look at that!

Less than four bags of sugar.

I'm speaking to you
now from inside one
of the Venturi tunnels.

And what I have here
is a cut-away
of one of the brakes,

also very light
because it's made from
silicon carbide.

Ooh!

Ooh!

At this point, a German would
come out of the lavatory,

say everything's perfect
and move on.

But I'm not German.

So let's look at it
from a British point of view.

Whoa!

I am just a mass
of goose pimples!

I've never had a feeling
like this before. I've never
felt anything like that!

Listen to that engine!

It's a 5.7-litre V10!

Originally designed
for racing.

But now it's in a road car
and the effect

is absolutely mind-blowing!

The performance figures
really are biblical.

You get 612 brake horsepower.

And that means naught to 60
in 3.9 seconds.

Flat out, you'll be doing 205.

Even in the fastest,
most exotic cars,

there's a point
where the power

starts to lose its battle
with the friction of the air.

But in this...

There's no let-up at all!

It's like
it's moving in a vacuum.

120, 130, 140, 150...

It just isn't gonna stop!

Not only is it
one of the fastest

and most exciting cars
I've ever driven,

it is also one of the
most beautiful.

It isn't styled
with the verve or the passion
of a Ferrari or a Lamborghini.

Its form, following function
in every piece, every detail,

is as precise
and as perfect
as Germany's rail timetable.

Really there's only one car
this can be compared with.

The McLaren Mercedes SLR
we tested two weeks ago.

They both cost
more than £300,000,

and they both produce
more than
600 brake horsepower.

But there is
a crucial difference.

The Mercedes,

that's a GT car,
it's got a big boot,
it's got thick carpets,

it's got lots of
luxury equipment.

This, though,
much more focused.

Carbon fibre here. A magnesium
transmission tunnel.

A simple beech wood
gear lever.

This is a supercar unplugged.

As a result, it's much lighter
than the McLaren,

and that makes it nimbler
and edgier.

And that makes it
more of a handful.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You need to be awake
to drive this fast!

It really isn't
an easy car to control.
The clutch is brutal.

The power is savage.
And the handling...

You really are
on a knife edge.

But if you put in the effort,

boy, oh, boy,
do you get the rewards.

You really need two brains
just to keep up with
all the machinery in here!

Normally, I like
British and Italian cars

because they have
so much soul and character.

German cars I always find
are long on engineering
but a bit short on passion.

This, though...

My God!

It's that good? Really?

It is a phenomenon. Honestly,
mind-blowingly good.

So, I'm expecting it to beat
the McLaren Mercedes,

which is at
the top of the board
of course. 1:20.9.

Because they've both
got the same power,

but the Porsche
is 240 kilos lighter,
which is a lot.

Thing is, though.
That McLaren Mercedes
is easy to drive.

Automatic.
You can go very, very fast
and it's not difficult.

The Porsche...

Well, put it this way.
You know The Stig, right?

-Mighty car control.
-Oh, yes.

He got into that Porsche.
"Right, here we go."

And we've actually got a tape,
which I think we can show you,
of his first attempt.

Where's that? Look.

Here he comes
into the Hammerhead.

Very close
to the tyres and...

-Honestly. It's a pig.
-It's a monster.

The Mercedes forgives you.

That, make a mistake...
It bites your head off.
It's that simple.

He had another go after that,
spun it again,
and again, and again.

But then, after a whole
morning's practising,

he was ready
to take on the Mercedes.

Okay, this is the big one.

Masses of wheel spin
off the line,
down to the first corner.

He has got to tread carefully.

He knows that that
big V10 landmine will bite.

I am actually surprised
he's playing
his power ballads today,

because, really, he has...
Look at that through Chicago.

Gently on the power,
doesn't wanna lose it.

He really doesn't
want to lose it.

Bit of a wiggle. He's okay,
coming up to the Hammerhead.

This is where
he spun it before.

Cannot afford a mistake now.

He's already off
the SLR's pace
at this point, but now...

This is maximum attack mode.

He's really
opening the taps now,

really, really working
that manual gearbox,

wringing out
every millisecond advantage
over the automatic McLaren.

This is the second
to last bend.
Hard on the ceramic brakes.

Keep it steady.
He's measuring out the power.
Gambon corner.

He's pushing it now!
And there he is!

-Okay, the McLaren Mercedes
did it in 1:20.9.
-Yes. We know that.

-Go on.
-Which is pretty fast
compared to all the others.

-Yes? Porsche. Got it here.
-Yes. And... Yes!

-1:19.8!

Fastest car we've ever had.

However...

Don't get too excited.

Don't get too excited,
because next week
Britain fights back.

-We've got this Rover coming!

How about that?
We will be driving it
around the track.

We'll see you then.
Good night.