Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Race to Monte Carlo - Aston Martin DB9 vs. Public Transport - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,
a brilliant new car
from Aston Martin,

an awful new car from Rover

and a ballistic cockroach
from Norfolk.

Hello. Good evening.
Welcome to the new
series, and phew, frankly.

We thought 2004 was
going to be the
dreariest year ever
for new cars.

We thought we were gonna
have to fill the show up with

Britain's Noisiest
Windscreen Wipers and

-When Cup-Holders Attack.

But we were wrong.

2004 is an amazing
year for new cars.

It's a complete
blizzard of horsepower.



This time of the
year, all those
middle-class
dinner parties,

people are talking about how
to get to the south of France.

What's the quickest way?

And the answer is,
you get on that new train,

you go straight through
the tunnel to gay Paris,

then you change onto the TGV,
which is the fastest train
in the world, I think.

All the way to the south
coast of France
with a gin and tonic.

-I agree, actually.

Those trains are incredible,

186 miles an hour,
and some people reckon

it's actually a quicker way
to the south of France than
a plane, let alone a car.

CLARKSON: Twaddle.

Rubbish. No train can
be faster than cars.

Not possible. Okay?



And to prove the point,
I organised an epic race.

This was the route.
We were going to meet
at 8:00 in the morning

here at the studio
in the middle of Surrey,

and then we would race
to the south of France. Okay?

Now, they would be on
one of their very fast trains,

and I would be
in a very fast car.

Which one? That's obvious.

The new Aston Martin DB9.

Okay, the rules of
this are very simple.

They are not allowed to
use any form of car,

I'm not allowed
to use any form of train,

and the winner is the first
one to the Cafe de Paris,
Casino Square, Monte-Carlo.

See you, chaps.

Well, he'll probably
get to the end
of the lane before us.

HAMMOND: Once we're on
that train, there is no way

can that car beat
us to Monte-Carlo.
It's impossible.

In an ordinary car, I agree.
It may well be impossible.

But this is no ordinary car.

The old DB7, really,
that was just a Jag in drag.

It was an XJS
in a party frock.

This is completely different.

It's made in
a brand-new factory,

using space-age
materials and sci-fi
production techniques.

HAMMOND: Is that
heavy? MAY: Yeah.

HAMMOND: No, I
mean, like,
really heavy?
MAY: Yeah.

You get a sense
of that modernness.

In here, I've got loads
more space than you
used to get in the DB7.

And look at the dash.
It's aluminium,
it's pale woods,

you got dials like you get
on a techno marine watch.

You get a split-screen SATNAV,
you get hands-free phone.

It's as bang up-to-date and
as modern and as clean
and as crisp as...

As the departure lounge
at a Swiss airport.

CLARKSON: By the time the boys
had walked the two miles
to the local bus stop,

I had covered 40.

Everything was going fine,
until I reached the outskirts
of Dover,

where I hit traffic.

Get out of the way,
you Polish lorry!

Why are you cluttering
up our roads
with Latvian milk?

-MAY: Morning.
-Can we have two
to Guildford, please?

-£5.60,
please. -£5.60?

CLARKSON: If I don't
catch this 10:00 ferry,
I'm out of the race.

That's a design I perfected
on the school bus.

Three, two, one, throw.

Thank you very much.
That was excellent.

Yes!

We are in business!

Okay, I'm about to get on
the Seacat, which will get me
to France in 60 minutes.

But, before I get on,

I have one concern
about the car.

It is spectacularly
good-looking
and it is very modern.

But in my lifetime,
Astons have always
been very British cars.

Big, heavy, dark, damp, green,
like kind of jet-propelled
stately homes,

merlin-engined shire horses,
and I'm not sure this is.

It may be a good car.
It may well be a great car.

But is it an Aston?

MAY ON MOBILE: Jeremy,
hello, where are you?

CLARKSON: I'm at the docks,
I'm about to get on the boat.

-He's already at the docks.
-Where are you?

MAY: Um, yeah.
We're in Guildford station.

CLARKSON: So you're
only at Guildford, and
I'm at the Channel.

MAY: Give it a few hours,
and we'll be at least 150
miles ahead. I promise you.

CLARKSON: I'm gonna win this.
MAY: You're not.

A car cannot beat the train
once we're on the other side
of the Channel.

CLARKSON: They still
think they're going to
win.

-MAY: Sorry.
-Now that's
what I call moving!

-What a nice day.
-It is a gorgeous day.

Look at that! I wonder
where they are now?

I'm all right, really. No.

Right. It's 11:15 UK time,

which means Jeremy has
just driven off the Seacat.

MAY: We're only
at London Waterloo,

but we're going
onto the Eurostar
all the way to Paris.

This is where we catch up.

CLARKSON: At last,
the French motorways.

Now I can really
open the taps
and find out if the DB9

is a proper Aston.

This car absolutely flies.

It's got a six-litre
V12 engine that develops
460 brake horsepower.

It's actually more powerful
per ton than a Vanquish.

That means it does
naught to 60
in four-and-a-half seconds.

Top speed?

190!

What I'm trying to say is
that it's definitely got
the power of an Aston.

It also makes
a fabulous noise.

Listen to that.

This is how you beat
the French,
shouting at them.

But when you
settle down to a
cruise, it stops
shouting.

It starts to sing
a gentle ballad.

Naturally, being an Aston,
it wasn't long before
it attracted some attention.

-May.
-Yes, hello, Jeremy.

I've got the gendarmes
just all over me.

-I think he's being
nicked by the rozzers.
-Oh...

-Have they stopped you?
-CLARKSON: They just
keep coming alongside

and they just go,
"Quicker! Quicker!"

Rubbish. You're making it up.

This is the great thing
about driving is the police
come along in France,

and then just want
you to go quicker.

How's that, Mr Gendarme?

Well, so far, Jeremy's had it
pretty much all his own way
in his Aston Martin,

while we've carried
heavy bags,
walked, caught buses

and got on small trains.

Now, though, things
change because we're on
the big train, so

we'll hit nearly 200
miles an hour on the way
from here to Dover.

Then it's 60 miles an
hour through the tunnel.

And then the best part
of 200 miles an hour
all the way across France.

-What? Is that him?
-It is.

Excellent.

Bonjour, MonsieurClarkson.

CLARKSON: May, I want to know
where you are.

MAY: We are on the Eurostar
train, in enormous comfort,

looking forward to
the first-class lunch.

-Would you like a drink?
-I think
it could be champagne.

-I'll have champagne as well.
-Thank you very much.

CLARKSON: As they headed for
the Channel tunnel, I was
already in champagne country.

But it wasn't me
who needed a drink.

This is not good.
I've got the fuel
warning light on.

This is gonna be
a Formula 1-style
pit stop, this is.

-Here we go. Way-hay!
-Ooh, that's it.

Where's the fuel
filler cap button?

I'll have the white Bordeaux.

Why don't they put them
in the same place?

Have you ever seen a more
stupid place to put
a fuel-filler-cap release?

I suppose Jeremy could
probably have a pasty
or something, or a pork pie.

-Leburger or, um,
le croque-monsieur.
-Lesausage roll.

Come on!

HAMMOND: Finally, French soil.

-HAMMOND: Vive la France!

So that's it. Jeremy,
we're coming to get you.

CLARKSON: That was
a fraught fill-up.

What a place to put it,
when you're in a race.

We brought with us
a sophisticated

and clever tracking
device that will enable us

to see precisely where
Jeremy is at any given time
in his Aston Martin,

and also plot
his speed and his course.

He's there, where this
is, and he's doing, um...

MAY: 84 miles an hour.
It's a bit weedy, actually.

And we're going to be doing
200 miles an hour all the way.

-Frankly, he
doesn't stand a
chance. -No.

HAMMOND: But our cockiness
is short-lived.

As the train approaches Paris, Jeremy is already
172 miles south of us,

and we have to
get across the city
to change trains.

If we get this train,
if we do it on time,
we're all right.

-Oh, stop wittering,
you old woman!
-If we miss it...

HAMMOND: James and I have
just 50 minutes to catch
the connection to Nice.

Oh, it's left!

It's 3:59 French time.
They are now, as we
speak, arriving in Paris.

James, just think of Jeremy
arriving before us.

The just quantity of smugness!

MAY: My soul is prepared.

It's just eating the petrol in
one big lump. All 20 gallons.

Mmm. That was
delicious. You're gonna
need some more of that.

HAMMOND: We're not allowed
to take a taxi,

so we have to use
an incomprehensible
underground system

from Gare du Nord
to Gare de Lyon.

Paris-Lyon.
It's down there.

Right. I've done
the calculations
on my phone,

and it's doing
19 miles to the gallon.

Bearing in mind we're only
cruising, you'd have to say,

it drinks like
an Aston should!

HAMMOND: And James refuses
to run on television.

So James and Richard are now
on an underground train.

We've got two stops
and we've got 15
minutes to do it in.

MAY: I admit,
it is a bit tight.

-Hammond,
will you
hurry up?
-Don't!

MAY: Shut up!

We're catching a train.

CLARKSON: I just wanted
to ring you up
and make life difficult.

-How long have you got, again,
to catch that train?
-Minutes.

If we don't
catch this train...

CLARKSON: If you don't
catch the train,
you lose the race.

The more I talk to you,
the less likely it is
we'll be on the train!

And now I've lost James!

CLARKSON: But now, the news.

We ought to talk about
a few of the cars that
have been launched

or are about to be launched.

First of all,
there's a new BMW.

And this is interesting
because they're going smaller.

They've got a car that's
going to rival the Golf.

It's called the 1
Series, and we've got
a picture of it

here.

-HAMMOND: Oh, dear.

-Ohh!
-Now, James, you've
been a defender of these

the last couple of years,
of BMW's new styling.
What do you think of that?

It looks as if a very
fat person's sat in it.

-Look. Yeah. Saggy.
-Sagged. Prescott.

-ALL: Yeah.

-HAMMOND: That is ugly.
-But, interestingly,

it has one thing about it
that's worse than its styling.

-Is it the price?
-The price? Nope,
it isn't the price.

It is the performance.

Naught to 60 in this,
the ultimate driving machine,

-is 11 seconds.
-MAY: Ohh.

-That's not even
moving at all.
-MAY: That's from the 1960s.

I know. Can we just
demonstrate how long
11 seconds is, okay?

The new BMW sets off...

Ready, steady...

Go!

-It's doing 60.
-Oh, that's agony!

You know what's even more
embarrassing about this?

They will sell
millions of them.

Millions and millions
of people will go out and
buy it because it's a BMW.

It should really have
on the back window,
"Moron on board."

You've got ages
to read it, haven't
you, as it crawls past.

That's terrible.

More cars that have
come along this year.

Do you remember when Ford
promised us the Focus RS?

They said it was going to be
a road-going rally car
with four-wheel drive

and 300 brake horsepower
and, well, it never happened.

-No. They left the homework
on the bus.
-Yeah.

"We had all the
plans, Doctor. Poof!"

Abducted by aliens on the way
to school. It never arrived.

Well, this,
ladies and gentlemen,

is the Fiesta RS.
Now if you like
the look of that,

don't hold your breath,
because that
won't happen either.

But if you do want
a hot-ish Fiesta,

this will... We've got one
in the studio, actually.
It's called the Fiesta ST.

Now it's a smart-looking
little thing. It's arriving
later this year.

It's gonna have a two-litre,
150 brake horsepower engine.

Lots of little sporty, sparkly
bits on it. Kind of a modern
take on the XR2, really.

Nice little thing.

It has one big problem.

-Its name. ST. You
can't call a car an ST.
-Why not?

Girls?

-HAMMOND: What?
-See, they're
laughing. You know,

you know, whisper it to me.
I know you'll be embarrassed.

-Come on. Whisper it to me.
-Sanitary towel.

-It's a sanitary towel.

CLARKSON: That's what
"ST" stands for.
HAMMOND: Does it?

Every girl goes up to
the office,
"Can I borrow an ST?"

Of course, the worst thing is,
if they do a diesel version,
it'll be an STD!

I've got another car
that's coming along in August.

It's the new MINI Cabriolet.

They're going to be
doing versions of it. This is
the Cooper version, actually.

Whoa. What's the noises for?
Do you like it?

-No.
-AUDIENCE: No!

Heck, I do, actually.
I think that looks great.

Maybe it's the shirt.

-How much is it going to cost?
-It's going to cost, well,

they'll generally be
about £2,500 more than
the equivalent hardtop.

The Cooper S, the supercharged
version will be about £17,500,
£15,500 for the Cooper.

About £13,500
for the MINI one.

But, yeah, the MINI isn't...
It's not a cheap, small car.

It's an expensive small car.
And I like that.

-It's a metrosexual
car. -BOTH: A what?

Metrosexual.
It's the new thing.
It's for the chap

he doesn't want to be
too butch, he doesn't
want to have, you know,

like a big 4X4, and he spends
quite a lot of money
on hair products...

-Don't point at me.
-He's interested in shirts.

Probably wears cowboy boots.
That kind of thing. He's
a blend of gay and not gay.

-I'm not a metro
flaming sexual.
-You are a metrosexual.

-I can see you
in one of those.
-Problem here is,

how would you know
what a metrosexual is?

I'm not only in touch with my
feminine side, I am in touch
with my gay side as well.

-You're probably right.
-17,500 grand is where it all
goes a bit wrong for me.

I think that's a great
little car. I look forward
to driving one. So there.

Now, while we were off having
our winter hibernation,

Rover got together and did a
deal with some car company

that nobody's
ever heard of in India.

And they got
a new car
together. This is
it.

It's called the
CityRover, and it's not,
well...

It's not really the sort
of thing that we on Top Gear
would usually bother with.

No, we would never film
that and waste your evening
showing it to you, okay?

But we thought it would be
our duty to actually drive it
and find out what it's like.

So we called up Rover,
said, "Can we borrow one?"
Nothing unusual in that.

-You phone Porsche...
-Ferrari, anybody.

They just give you a
car, you drive.

Absolutely. We'll bring
it round tomorrow.

Phoned up Rover,
"We're not lending
that to you, matey."

Seriously.
That's what they said.

"Not until hell freezes over.
You're not driving one
of them, and that's that."

And that's that.

That confused us. Because why
would they be so secretive?
What were they hiding?

That meant either
it was rubbish

or it was
catastrophically bad.

Exactly. So we came up
with a challenge.

Bear in mind, we'd normally
just have ignored it,
but we had...

Well, how bad is it?

So what we did was,
we said to James,

"James, get dressed up
as a kind of Rover customer,

"go down to a Rover showroom.
Okay?

"And borrow one of these,
take it on a test drive
and see if you can film

"a Top Gearreport,

"in full, without
the salesman noticing."

And this is what happened.

Right. The
dealership's just over
there.

I haven't seen the car yet,
but I do have the brochure.

And it looks jolly exciting.

It's based on an Indian car
called the TATA Indica,

which was imported to Britain
and then re-badged as a Rover.

The engine started life
in a Peugeot about

400 years ago.
But, of course, it doesn't say
any of that in here.

It says it's
stylish and exciting.

Well, let's find out if it is.

Because here, in my tie,
I've got a secret camera.

My pretend girlfriend
also has a secret camera
hidden in a mobile phone,

and we've cunningly positioned undercover camera people
all round the test route.

Right. If we're not back
in 20 minutes,
turn over to Heartbeat.

Now we can't identify
the dealer for lots of
boring legal reasons,

-but the good news is, I'm in.-MAY: Hiya.

The bad news is, I haven't
quite got the hang of
this tie camera.

MAY: So this
is the City Rover?

But then we got
our act together.

Because we had aTop
Gear road test to do,

starting with
interior accommodation.

That is quite good
rear leg room.

That is a most capacious boot.

So nice and roomy.
But as for interior quality,
oh, dear.

So I think that Rover have to
acknowledge that
they can't quite match

their German rivals when
it comes to interior quality.

This does feel like a car
from the early '80s.

This gear knob, for example,
is very, very sharp.

MAY: The dealer was hovering
and obviously thinking

I was one of those nutters
who talks to himself.

But I still had to deliver my verdict on value for money.

Now, this is the
base 1.4-litre solo.

It's £6,500, and for that
you get pretty much nothing.

Manual. There's
no central locking.
There's only one airbag.

And the radio comes
with a cassette player,
not a CD player.

I have to say that
the Daihatsu Charade
or new Fiat Panda

is rather better-equipped.

Because I know
the area quite well...

I worked out a little route
that's about 15, 20 minutes.

-Is that okay?
-Yeah, no problem.

Now for the test drive.
And the salesman insists
on coming along in the back.

Would he notice that
I was talking in a bizarre
road-testing manner?

The gear change is rather
old-fashioned on this.

It reminds me a bit
of the MK1 Vauxhall Cavalier
I had in about 1981.

To test the brakes,
where better than
a zebra crossing?

And cue
theTop Gear pedestrian.

Oops, sorry.

That's a brake test.
They seem to work.

Next, ride and handling.
There's no convenient
twisty B-road round here,

so we have to improvise.

Even at low speeds,
it rolls about badly.

But what really bothers me
is the ride, which amazingly

manages to be bouncy
and jarring at the same time.

It's so awful that in front
of the dealer I come over
all polite and British.

It does seem to
ride quite smoothly.

So, to sum up, the interior
is low-rent, the ride is poor

and you don't get a lot
for your money.

The only pluses are it's big
inside and the 84 horsepower
engine does pull well.

But, Lord, is it noisy!

Anyway,
time for an ambitious finale.

Will the salesman rumble our
Top Gear comparison test,

as we bring on the Fiat Panda?

MAY: Hey, that's a Panda.

I think that is actually
the basic Active Panda.

That's quite interesting
because I think the Panda's
slightly better-equipped.

You do get electric windows,
you do get power steering
as standard,

you do get central locking.
It's got two airbags as well,

because it has got one
for the passenger.

And it's about £200 cheaper.
It's £6,300.

Right. By now, he really does
think I'm barking. So it's
back to the dealership.

And there you go.
One completed road test.
One unsuspecting dealer.

-But only one verdict.
-I think I like the Panda more
though, if I'm really honest.

-That was
fantastic! -Thank
you.

That was great.
But, hang on, we've
got to be sensible at this.

Was that a proper
Top Geartest?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Was it? It was. Okay.

Did he really not rumble you?
You looked so shifty.

I know. I couldn't believe it.
I kept expecting him to say,

-"You've got a camera
in your tie, haven't
you?" -I know!

But he didn't. He was
so chuffed that someone had
come round to drive his car.

-He'd been sitting
there all day...

First time it ever happened.
Okay, but if it's a proper
Top Gearreport,

-you've got to
give us a verdict.
-Okay.

So was it rubbish
or was it truly dreadful?

Okay. This is important.

That is the worst car
I've driven on this programme.

-Okay.

Actually, it's quite funny
when you think about it.

All those years
we were exploiting India,

and now they're
getting their own back
on us with that thing.

Okay. Time now to meet
our guest for the evening.

Before she became
a household face on Cold Feet,

she was once eaten
by Robert De Niro.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Fay
Ripley!

-Hello,
darling.
-Hello.

-How are you?
-Good.

Have a seat.

-Eaten by Robert De
Niro? -Well, strictly
speaking, I
wasn't eaten.

-I was actually strangled.
-Oh, strangled, was it?

A far more sophisticated way
to die.

-What was that in?
-That was in Frankenstein.

To be honest,
it was actually the stand-in
for Robert De Niro

that did me.

So you weren't even...

Helena Bonham Carter
got Robert De Niro.

I got Fred, or
whatever his name
was.

-And then they cut
you out of the film.
-They did, yes.

But I looked it up
on the Internet. This was
your big break, wasn't it?

-Your big... The big break.
-Yeah, it was.

And it just says
in the credits... In
fact, I've got it here.

-Um... "Fay Ripley..." Ready?
-Yeah.

-Have you seen what this says?
-No.

"Whore. Scenes deleted."

-Welcome to my life.

Well, I was about to say...
Let's go on to cars.

Was the start to your
motoring career a little
more auspicious than that?

I had a MINI as my first car.

Well, I never had it.

I mean, it was on its way
to me, parked in
Tottenham Court Road.

It was nicked, in fact.

-What, before you got it?
-Just before I got it, yes.

-Ooh!
-Yes.

-So what did you
replace it with?
-A MINI.

-Of course.
-Yeah.

-And how did that one go?
-I wrote that one off.

Well, I didn't write it off.
Obviously, the idiot
who hit me

-wrote it off.
-Yeah.

Admittedly while I was
singing along to
Three Times a Lady

-and doing my
lipstick. -The
Commodores.

Oh, and doing your lipstick
when he crashed into you?
Stupid man!

He was busy driving
or something.

Actually, I think
we managed to get away
with knock for knock on it.

Whatever the hell
"knock for knock" means.

I thought it was
sexual, but apparently
it's a legal term.

That means you
weren't putting
lipstick on at the
time.

Right. Ooh, I must've lied.

Oops!

What annoys you most
then on the road
as you drive around?

Um... God, a couple of things.
Probably...

Uh, road rage is a
thing probably for me.

I've grown out of road rage.
Do you know what I mean?

When I was younger,
I used to give the finger
and, in fact, take the finger.

-Uh, but, uh... Sorry.

-Those days are gone.
-When other people do it...

I was sort of involved in
some road rage incidents,

one in particular, when I was
in the Swiss Cottage triangle,

which is always packed
full of cars, basically.

You never go anywhere in that.

And, uh, I got into
an altercation
with another woman.

Again, I felt safe because
she was another woman
and I thought, "Well, okay,

"we're on the same ground."
She actually had kids
in the back of her car.

Um, and it started
getting a bit out of
control.

I was going
for the Islington angle.

"We're two grown women,
surely we can sort this out
in a pleasant way.

"Perhaps you can
come over for a coffee,

"and we can draw
a diagram of the crash that
you almost made happen."

At one point I
realised that she
was actually driving
at me.

And I was going, "Now,
listen, you really... Oh!

"Oh, I see, you're actually
going to run me over."

So I had to do a sort of...

Hurl myself over
the bonnet of my

Honda Prelude,
if you want to know.

And, uh, there were
tears, there were
witnesses

and I was running around
taking numbers of everyone.

I went out to the local police
station and they not very
politely asked me to leave.

-Why?
-I wanted to just
sue her, them,

Honda, for their awful bonnet.

And I just
couldn't understand it.

Anyway, their excuse is that
I said... It was attempted
murder, was my point.

I went in and said,
"Here's the crime,
it's attempted murder.

"She just tried
to run me over."
And their point was,

"You shouldn't have been
in the middle of the
road, madam. She's a car,

"you're a girl."

It's the police, you
see. They are unused to
modern conditions

now they've got
so many speed cameras.

They're unaware that actually
there are cars on the road

and they get close to one
another from time to time.

-Well...
-Because they're so
busy catching burglars.

-Making a great
job of it. -Yes.

Okay, listen, you came here
to be our star in
a reasonably priced car.

-Yes.
-Would you like to see?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-Here it is!

CLARKSON: Well, that's
an ambitious start.

-Are you a fast
driver normally?
-No, not at all.

-Really cautious?
-Captain cautious.

-CLARKSON: Whoa!

CLARKSON: That was over-steer
in a front-wheel-drive car.

Whoa.

-CLARKSON: Too fast
through there.

I'm squealing
like a virgin here.

RIPLEY: Oh.

Ahh...

CLARKSON: You look like
Captain Cautious behind
the wheel, but look at that!

Ahhh!

This one's hard.

-Apart from your
language, which is poor...

Your diving's very good.
Oh, you're off.
That's on the grass!

And here we go. Last corner.

Yes, very tidy.

Very tidy,
actually, and
across the line,
everybody.

How was The Stig?
Was he nice to you?

Oh, I love The Stig.

-Was he nice?
-He was more than nice.

He was more than nice?

'Cause he said that when
you first started going round,
you were doing it in...

-And this is
your first few
laps. -Yeah.

Two minutes and four seconds.

-Which is
Whiteley-esque. -Right.

Not the worst, but not
something you can go home
tonight and shout about.

-Frankly, two
minutes, four
seconds. -Right.

But then when we
actually got the clock
out for your official
lap,

the one we've just seen,

-you went
round in one
minute...
-Ooh!

-...fifty-three...
-Ooh!

-...point three
seconds. -

Which means...

Which means

you're faster than
Tara, who has had

-a lightning jet
since she was four, in fact.
-Yes.

-You are actually...
-Actually, can I say,

I'm up further than that.

-Have I done it
wrong? -RIPLEY: Yes!

CLARKSON: I've done it
completely wrong, look.

-You're absolutely
right. -Don't cheat me!

You're as fast
as Vinnie Jones!

I beat Steve Coogan.

You've beaten Steve Coogan,
and you're a better person
than Stephen Fry.

Yes!

No, he was on
a mildly moist track.

I would bid for
a mildly moist.

Was it mildly moist?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-It was.

So that's a mildly
moist 1:53.3.

Anyway, thank you very
much for coming in today.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Fay
Ripley.

Now, for those of you
who've just joined us, we are
in the middle of a race.

Okay, here's a board
showing you what's going on.

It's between James and Richard
on that fast train service,

down from the studio
here in Surrey
to Monte-Carlo.

And I'm driving
an Aston Martin DB9.

Now, when we left the action,
I was sort of here,

heading towards Dijon.

And they were rushing
through Paris to catch
the TGV express.

CLARKSON: You've
caught it then?

We'll be accelerating up to
200 miles an hour and leaving
you behind in our dust.

CLARKSON: Will you get
200 miles an hour
out of your head?

The train does not go
200 miles an hour.

186 then.

CLARKSON: That's not
as fast as a DB9.

-It's a lot faster than you're
going to be going.
-CLARKSON: Enjoy your trip.

Uh, I think I'll have another
bottle of Diet Coke now.

HAMMOND: Yeah, we'll maybe
order the wine as soon as
we get underway.

Talk to you later, bye-bye.

We're not actually
the first people
to do this, you know.

There's this racing driver
here called Woolf Barnato.

Somebody challenged him
to get from Cannes to England

in the time it took
the Blue Train,

which was the famous
posh tourist train
from the south of France,

to get from Cannes to Calais.

He got to the Conservative
Club in St James's, London,

four minutes before
the train reached Calais.

-What did he go in?
-A Bentley Speed 6.

Was he a 7' tall,
curly haired yob?

No, interestingly, that's
one difference, is that he was
a rather dashing chap.

CLARKSON: I'm now about
halfway into the journey.

No backache, not
uncomfortable. I'm not tired,
my ears aren't bleeding.

So this car is as comfortable
as an Aston should be.

One thing I cannot stand
about this car's big brother,

the Vanquish, is it's flappy
paddle gearbox.

It doesn't work,
and it breaks all the time.

That's because the paddles are
attached to a manual gearbox,

whereas in this
they're attached to
a six-speed automatic.

You don't get a gear lever.
Nothing at all.

All the gears are selected
by buttons on the dashboard.

So you push "D", and then it's
a completely normal automatic,

just like any other
auto you've ever driven.

However, when you pull
one of the paddles,
like so, it changes down.

Pull it again,
blitz the engine,

it drops it into third
and then you're off!

Like a scalded cock!

There's his
location on the
map.

MAY: How has he done that?

HAMMOND: By going
very, very quickly.

-He must have
absolutely caned it
from Lyon. -Yes.

I suspect that
he must be on fire.

The front must be glowing red.

CLARKSON: This gearbox works
nearer double-declutching.

Oh! In an auto!

And it's not only the gearbox
that impresses.

Because it's
so light and modern,

I thought that it would flow
from bend to bend,
like a Ferrari or a Porsche.

Like it doesn't
really need your help.

But actually they've made
the steering quite heavy.

It feels like there's
a big lump up there.

A great, big, solid, British
suet pudding of an engine.

And that means,
when you kiss an apex

just right, and you
will, 'cause the
handling is brilliant,

you feel like you did it,
like you're responsible.
It was all your own work,

not the car's.

It flatters you.

Unfortunately, however,

it doesn't matter
how good the car is,

it's choked by
the French speed limits.

The Aston was reined
in so badly, in fact,

that with 200 miles to go,
the train tore past.

-We are ahead!
-We are ahead!

CLARKSON: Now the fight
really hots up.

I love today.

Today's a big tick
in my life box.

A big, "Yes.
That was a good day."

It'd be even better
though if I could win.

So let's get on with it.

I have just one slim chance.

They've got to go
further than me.

They're on a train which
is gonna wiggle around now,
going where it wants to go,

not where they want to go.

Me, on the other hand,
I'm proceeding directly.

No more fuel stops
to Monte-Carlo.

So don't bet
on the train just yet.

Now that I'm down
in the south,

on the twisty motorway
going up to Monte-Carlo,

the car's changed from
being a comfortable
long-distance cruiser

into being this kind of
savage sports car.

It feels like a brute,
which is exactly what an Aston
should feel like.

HAMMOND: With 100 miles to go,
the train slows down
along the coast,

and the gap
is starting to shrink.

And at Nice,
even though we're just
15 miles from Monte-Carlo,

we need to make
another train change.

-Stop pacing
now. -I can't.

I don't just like this car,
I love it.

-Right now, Jeremy's going...
-MAY: I know.

It feels like
motoring perfection.

If you don't mind just getting
out of the way, Frenchie.

I've got a train to catch.

Keep going up!

MAY: This is it. This is it.

HAMMOND: Come on,
James. To lose it
now...

This sodding bag!

Come on! Last bit.
It is down here.

HAMMOND: Come on!

Ooh! Ooh!

Why didn't we bring a map?

James! Come on!

Oh, that's bad.

Oh, I haven't the
heart to tell him.

-It's all over,
mate. -Oh, cock.

MAY: Evening.

I don't know if you've
noticed something here.

You two look very
stressed and tired,
I'm very relaxed.

There's a degree
of perspiration going on.

I think the important thing
that we've proved today

is that no matter
how good public transport is,

no matter how much
it runs like clockwork,

it'll never be
a match for a car.

CLARKSON: And what a car
we used to prove the point,

the fly-spattered DB9,

which isn't just better
than a train...

It's more loveable
and it's more rounded than
a Bentley Continental GT.

It's better than
a Ferrari 575.

It's better than a Vanquish,
principally because it's got

a better gearbox
and it's prettier,

and at £103,000,

it's considerably less expensive than all its rivals.

But you know the
best thing about
it?

It's a proper,
pukka, 100%, real,

fabulous, glorious, exquisite,
magnificent Aston Martin.

So we have managed
to clear that up. Okay?

An Aston is better
than a train.

Now it's time to clear
up the Aston Martin.

It used to be very
simple because they
only made one car.

No, really, they only
did make one car.

But now they've got
Ford money, look at
this, they make three!

And they all look
exactly the same!

But there are
subtle differences.

This is the
Vanquish.
£160,000,

V12 engine, V silly gearbox,
V popular with footballers.

This is the DB9.
Very, very fast,
same engine as that,

£103,000 for the hardtop,

£107,000 for
the convertible version.

And then next year,
we're getting this!

The AM V8 Vantage.

That's gonna be £70,000.

Go against the 911.

And there'll be
a convertible version!

So really what I'm saying is,
the three best cars
in the world are all British!

Right. Big moment,
new series and it's the return
of the Cool Wall.

HAMMOND: It's
brilliant to see it
back.

Let's get some new
stuff on the wall.

And, first of all,
we saw it earlier
on, the CityRover.

HAMMOND: It's rubbish, yes.
The problem is, it's not
even a real Rover,

so it's actually trying
to be something
that's uncool anyway.

Which, frankly,
it's gotta be. Is it?

-Is it Uncool, or is it...
-AUDIENCE: Seriously Uncool.

Normally, I like to argue
with the audience,
go around, have a bit...

But, no, you're right.

-This is a very easy
one. -Oh, I agree again.

-Ferrari.
-Very easy.

This is
a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti.

Now, this is a sophisticated,
elegant, four-seater Ferrari,

replaces the 456,
absolutely beautiful.

This clearly is Cool,
if not Sub Zero.

As we said in the last series,

this was styled,
and I'm not joking,

by a man called Ken.

That is a problem.

Now, Ken is a good name
if you're a football referee.

It's a good name
if you're a plasterer.

But a Ferrari
designer? It's not
cool!

No, there's been some
cool Kens out there.

Name a cool Ken.

There is, um, a Ken Hom.

-MAN 1: Ken
Livingstone. -Ken
Livingstone.

Oh, thanks for helping me out.

My case rests.
Can anyone think
of a cool Ken?

-MAN 2: Kenny Ball.
-Kenny Ball.

It's getting worse.

-This is really difficult.
-We got one over here.

-Well,
actually...
-Who?

-Barbie and Ken.
-Barbie and Ken?

He doesn't even have a penis.

-HAMMOND: That's true.
-He has a mound.

So that leaves us with this.

-AUDIENCE: Sub Zero.
-Aston Martin DB9.

Okay, can I hear anything
other than Sub Zero?

-Any advance on Sub
Zero? -MAN 3: Dry Ice.

-MAN 4: Minus 40.
-Minus 40.

Do you know, you're all wrong.

HAMMOND: Uncool?

-It's not Sub Zero.
-HAMMOND: Uncool.

We have had to build
a new section for it.

The DB9 section,
and it's a fridge.

There it is.

Excellent.

Now sales of the Lotus Elise

have plummeted
in recent years,

and Lotus decided to
increase those sales.

"Let's start selling it
in America
for the first time."

But to do that,
they had to put
a new engine in it

to meet all daft American
engine emissions rubbish.

So they got one
out of a Toyota.

Ah! Don't mock,
because it is an
amazing combination.

Toyota Celica engine
in a little car like this.

Worked brilliantly,
so they thought, "Hang on.

"That goes well,
why don't we do a hardtop,

"hardcore version?"

CLARKSON: This is it.
The Exige.

It weighs less than a ton,
but you get
190 brake horsepower.

That's like putting a Saturn V rocket in a food blender.

It does naught to
60 in 4.9 seconds.

Flat-out, you'll be going 147.

And it's actually quite
a sophisticated engine.

You get two camshafts,
one for economy
and one for power.

And there's a Lotus computer,
which manages the transition
between the two.

You get to 6,200 rpm

when a normal engine would
be running out of steam.

Here we go.

There's actually a
step, a jerk, as it
goes onto the power
cam.

And you get even more.

Whoa!

And the best thing is that
when you drop down a gear

to go round a corner
on a track like this,

when you're really
going for it,

it always stays above
that magical 6,200 rpm.

So you've always
got the power.

But strangely,
speed is not the
key to this car.

And despite the rather
steep £30,000 price tag,
nor is sophistication.

Certainly, you don't look
very sophisticated when
you're getting out of it.

And then, there's the interior
you've left behind.

Yes, you've got a stereo
that plays your MP3s
and air-conditioning

and electric windows.

But all these things,
are optional extras
and so are the carpets,

and so even the sun visors.

To get an idea of just
how spartan this thing is,

you need to look
through the rear window.

Back there, you've
got chicken wire,
BacoFoil and
Tupperware.

It's kind of like peering into
one of your granny's
old kitchen cabinets.

So if it's not built for
speed or comfort,
what's this car for then?

Well, um, this.

It corners like a housefly.

It's not just
better than an
Elise,

it's better than
just about
anything.

And here's why.

The front splitter
and the rear spoiler

work together to create
real down force, like you get
with a Formula 1 car.

Its tyres are as
slick as the law
allows,

and you get racing suspension.

Add that lot together and the effect is astonishing!

Everything just goes mental!

To come up with
something to match it,
you have to think
vertically.

This might do the trick.

It's an Apache helicopter
gunship.

It's not the fastest
helicopter in the world,

it'll only do
163 miles an hour,

and nor is it
the most manoeuvrable.

But it is the ugliest,
and it does pack
the deadliest punch.

It carries 12
Hellfire
missiles, 72
rockets,

and it has a cannon
which points wherever
the pilot is looking

and fires 10 high-explosive
rounds a second.

The thing that interests me
most of all about the
Apache though is its radar,

because, you see, you can pop
up from behind a tree or
a hill eight kilometres away,

it'll have a look
at the battlefield,

it'll recognise 256 targets,

prioritise the 16
most dangerous
at that given moment

and destroy all of them.

And it'll do all
that in 28 seconds.

Great. But in a single lap
of our track, can it get
missile lock on our Lotus?

The best helicopter
gunship in the world,

flown by the best
pilots in the world,
the British Army.

Against the
best-handling car in
the world,

driven by an idiot.

They'd win easily if they went a long way away, but we've
instructed the pilots

to stay within the confines
of the track.

CLARKSON: Let's go.

PILOT: Target is identified.

God, that is not
something you see every
day,

a gunship in your
rear view mirror.

I'm gonna turn around
and go the other way,
hope they're ready for that.

I'm not exactly a
tank, matey boy.

Because this is black
and plastic, it's hard to get
radar lock.

It's like an F-117 Nighthawk.

It's not that I'm an overgrown
schoolboy or anything,
but this is really good fun.

I can out-brake
and I can outturn
the helicopter.

But 1.5 seconds after
I've made the move,

you look in the
door mirror and,
boom, there it is.

At one point
I hid beneath its soft
American underbelly.

But it just blew me out again.

The car is moving
in the downdraught!

That helicopter is the ugliest
machine I have ever seen.

It's so ugly,
it's almost beautiful.

Not when it's in
the rear-view mirror.

It's right behind me!

Wow! So did the chopper
get missile lock on you?

No. They didn't. That's how
amazing this car was.

I mean, I'm told by the pilot

that in that kind of
situation, they
would have just
used

the cannon on me
and cut me in half.

-Ooh, nice.
-With the cannon.

But missile lock, this thing
can actually evade it.

-It's phenomenal.
-That is incredible.

But who'd like to see what
happened when the helicopter
did what it's supposed to do,

and pop up from behind
some trees two miles away

and have a go
at him from there?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

PILOT: Target,
my line of sight.

Target identified.

Tracking, radar locked.

Missile locked. Firing.

Two, one, impact.

Target destroyed.

That was almost perfect.

Just one thing.
How come you're not
in little tiny bits?

Think about it.

This is the British Army.
Here they are, in fact.

The guys that were...
There's the guy that
flew the helicopter.

Well done,
that was incredible.

The Elise has managed to evade
missile lock in the track.

But how will it get on against

all the other cars we have
round here on the track?

Time, I think, to move over
to Defcon Stig.

CLARKSON: Away he goes.
Lots of wheel spin there

on what is a slightly
damp track.

Now, straight line
power could be the
Exige's Achilles heel.

But it really will make up
for it through the bends.
Look at that!

Oh, dear. The Stig has bought
a power-ballad album,

which he wants to play
for us over this series.

Hasn't affected
his driving though.

Oh, he's pushing it!

Okay, down to Hammerhead.

See, look how it
just sits on the
line.

Flat-out. Look at that.
Look at it!
It's unbelievable.

Coming to the Follow Through.
Is he gonna lift?

Absolutely flat-out
through the Follow Through,
which is unbelievable.

Nearly slick tyres
on wet tarmac.

Should be tricky.
Looking good so far.

Can he keep it
together? This is the
penultimate corner.

Is he going on the grass?
No. Kept it off.

The final corner.

Ooh, it's so neat and tidy
and across the line.

You've gotta bear in
mind that was a
1.8-litre car,
Toyota engine,

virtually slick
tyres on a wet track.

So it would be

unbelievable if it went faster
than a Honda NSX Type-R.

-You know, 1:31.6.
Yeah? -Yeah.

And it would be
ridiculous if it went
faster than a 911 Turbo.

Did it in 1:31,
on a wet track.

-It went round in one minute,
26.9 seconds.
-What?

-That is...
-HAMMOND: That's amazing!

That's the sixth-fastest car
we've ever had here,

-and it's a 1.8.
-That's astonishing.

-And this has been
quite an astonishing
show. -Oh, yes.

Helicopter gunships,
races to the south of
France, and next week,

it gets even more amazing,
'cause he tries to be black,

he tries to be pink

and I get to drive much
too fast round corners in
the new McLaren Mercedes SLR.

See you then. Good night.