Top Gear (2002–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Hammond Tests the Cadillac Escalade and Puts a Nun in a Monster Truck - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,
a pink Ford,

a black man's Cadillac,

and I go berserk
in a Silver Arrow.

Good evening, and welcome
to one of Top Gear's
favourite cars.

The Alfa Romeo 166.

Been around a few years now.

But, unfortunately,
you've never been able
to buy one.

Because it depreciates
as fast as it accelerates.

However, we think
we found a solution.

We think we found a way
that you can afford one.

CLARKSON: An Alfa 166
like this is a sign
that you have exquisite taste.



It shows the world that
you put aesthetics
above practicality,

and that you won't simply
run with the pack.

Put it like this,
alpha males buy BMWs.

Alfas are for nice people.

Unfortunately,
if you buy a 166 for £29,900,

in a year,
it'll be worth £13,000.

That's £17,000 gone!

And that works out
at £325 a week.

That's nearly 50 quid a day!

50 quid a day
in depreciation alone!

The solution would be
to buy one second-hand.

But you can't do that
because no one bought one new
in the first place

because the depreciation
was so bad.

166?



They should've called it
the catch-22.

Sales of this car
have been so pathetic,

I really did think
Alfa would simply
stop selling it here.

But they haven't.

In fact, they've just
made it better.

It's always been
a handsome car,

but with its new nose
and new wheels,

it's better than any other
big four-door saloon.

It's as though
it's come down a pipeline
from the gods.

You know what that is,
don't you?

It's a little black dress.

It's the kind of thing
you take to an embassy
cocktail party

at a schloss in Austria.

And it's not
just a work of art
on the outside either.

When it breaks down
and you have to get
the bonnet up,

you're in
for a right old treat.

Look at that.

They've actually chromed
the inlet pipes
on the 3.2-litre V6 engine.

Wonderful!

I have to say, though,
it's not the fastest car
in the world.

It's front wheel drive, too,
so it's not a thriller
in the corners either.

But if you judge a car
on how it makes you feel

rather than what it can do,

the 166 is in a class
of its own.

Unlike a BM or an Audi
which hum as they go along,
this one...

...it fizzes and it crackles.

It sounds like an engine,
not like a monk.

Think of it
as an Italian waiter,
waving its arms around.

You don't get the food
any faster,

but it's more
exciting somehow.

Every time I see someone
going the other way in a Merc
or a BM or an Audi,

I just wanna get
the window down
and shout at them,

"You've bought the wrong car!"

Did you know that in Italy
the traffic wardens' uniforms
are designed by Fendi

and their handbags by Gucci?

The Italians are obsessed
with style and design,

and that shows
with the interior of this car.

It's by far away
the best thing about it.

It's not exactly a buttonfest.

I mean, there are no
sort of controls
all over the steering wheel.

You don't even get
cup holders.

But it's such
a nice place to be.

You look forward
to doing the journey

just so you can come
and sit in it.

God, I love this car.

So, how,
you might be wondering,
could you afford such a thing?

Well, to find out,
I've come to Yorkshire,

home of the coalfields
that powered
the British Empire.

100 years ago,
there were 3,000 pits
in Britain.

Today, there are just 18.

And that's been
really bad news for Yorkshire,

because even 20 years ago
there were 54 pits here.

Now, this one's a museum.

There are only seven left.

This collapse
has had a dramatic effect
on the price of houses

where the miners used to live.

Today, the average house price
across the whole country
is £150,000.

But here in the village
of Hemsworth, property
is a little cheaper than that.

This house here, for instance,
is up for auction next month

with a reserve price
of just £7,500.

Like the dado stencils.

It's arranged
over four storeys.
Two bedrooms.

And I must say,
I do like the distressed look

that's been achieved
by the previous owners.

Though, that said, I do think
this exposed plasterboard here
is a bit '80s, really.

I'm not sure this glass carpet
is very practical.

And, um, and the window.
Nice effect,
but a bit draughty.

Thing is though, you're always
seeing programmes

where people go off to France
to find a bargain. Why?

We got bargains here!

If you truly love cars,
why waste £325 a week
on a big, expensive mortgage?

Why not move here
and spend the money instead
on a 166?

I mean, think about it!

I know it's not a great house.

But you'd be able
to sit here knowing

that every time
you looked out of the window,

you'd be able to see
your very own Alfa Romeo.

Oh, f...

Actually, that was quite
an expensive house,
I should point out.

I was talking
to an estate agent
while I was up there.

And he said,
a couple of years ago,

he valued
an old miner's house
at nought!

Now, it's time for Top Gear
to answer a big question.

It's been on the lips
of the nation for years.
And it's this.

Can a nun
drive a monster truck?

HAMMOND:
This is Sister Wendy.

She's a nun
and she drives
a Vauxhall Nova.

Like all nuns,
she does nice things.

Sister Wendy serves food
to old people.

Do you want some ice cream?

She belongs to the Order
of Grace and Compassion
of Benedictine nuns.

They're hardcore nuns
who pray five times a day.

Most importantly,
the Sisters believe

in the creed
of the conversion of life,
which is, and I quote,

"A constant turning away
from anything
that might take them

"from their search for God."

But, hey! Everyone has to
let their hair down
once in a while.

Which is why she, today,
is gonna drive
that over those.

This is Blown Thunder,
Britain's most powerful
monster truck.

It's got a supercharged
dragster engine.

It weighs 4.5 tonnes.

But it can still do
nought to 60
in four seconds.

And that's because
it's got 1,700 horsepower.

That takes
a lot of skill to drive.

So, can our Nova-driving nun
find the divine inspiration
to do it?

Sister Wendy,
how are you feeling?

-Nervous, but excited.
-Good.

-You looking forward to this?
-I am.

-Done it before?
-No.

-No, me neither,
if truth be told. Right.

Well, let's bring it over.
You can have a look at it.

Trevor, bring it on.

-It's started.
Yeah, that's it.
-Oh, my...

-He's definitely
started that. Yeah.

HAMMOND: Up until now,
Sister Wendy has never even
seen a monster truck.

-There it is.
-Oh, my sweet Lord!

Oh, my goodness, me!

Sister Wendy,
meet Blown Thunder.

-I can't believe
we're putting a nun in there!

I'm not quite sure
I can believe you're putting
a nun in there, either!

HAMMOND: The truck's owner,
Trevor, has never let a nun
drive it before.

He's understandably nervous.

But, perhaps, not as nervous
as Sister Wendy.

She's got a lot to learn.

For one thing,
she's got to get
the speed just right.

If she hits the cars
too slowly,

the whole thing rocks
and she could fall off.

If she hits them too fast,

she'll get closer to God
than she thought
she was gonna do today.

And best of all,
there's only one seat.

He can be with her
for the training,

but when it comes to the jump,
she's on her own.

-Good God!
-TREVOR: There you go.

-Sit down.
It's quite comfortable now.

It's just, not being able
to see where I can put
my feet.

HAMMOND: Now, this isn't some
soppy game show, like You Bet!

There's real danger here.

Danger that the nun
could hurt herself,

-or blow up Blown Thunder.

With Trevor in the cab,
Sister Wendy gets
used to a vehicle

with 20 times
the power of her Nova.

After half an hour,
Trevor, with some reluctance,
jumps out,

and lets Sister Wendy
go for it.

HAMMOND: Okay, this is it!

In just a few moments,
Sister Wendy will get
closer to God.

About 10 feet closer.

If she does this, nuns rock!

This is it!

She's up! She's up!

She's going off it!
She's stopped!

She's moving!
She's falling off the car!

She's falling over!
She has done it!

And that was a nun
in a monster truck!

-That was the coolest thing
I have ever seen!

Are you all right?

-Yes! Thank you, Lord!

Wow!

Sister... Sister Wendy!

Sister Wendy,
that was magnificent!

And that was
one small step for a nun,
but a giant leap for nunkind!

Okay, let's do the news.

And I want to start down here
with the Volvo XC90,

because, for the last
couple of years,

it's had the middle classes
all to itself.

But not any more because
look what we've got here.

It's the new
Land Rover Discovery.

And I have to admit,
I was never a fan
of the old one

'cause it was only bought
by two different types
of people,

-murderers, who needed the...

It was! They needed
the four-wheel drive system
to get far into the woods

to bury their victims,
and Wendy Craig.

They were the only people
that bought it.

The new one now,
I think it looks
utterly fabulous,

and I like what they've done
with the underside as well,

because it's not
as sophisticated
as a Range Rover,

but it's not as farmyard-y
as a Defender.

And that means, really,
you'll be able to go much
further up a mountain

than you would in a Volvo.

And you get
the same sort of blend
on the inside, too.

Look, it's kind
of utilitarian, but stylish.

Kind of like
a designer Wellington.

There is, however,
one problem that I can see.

You see, in the Volvo,

the engine, which,
if you go for the diesel,
isn't very good,

is mounted sideways.

And that means you've got
more space, short bonnet,
more space in the cabin.

Now, in the Land Rover,

you get the engine,
which is a big Jag V8
in this one,

that's mounted lengthwise,
so there's less space.

And that shows up
if we go round to the back.

See, if I open up
the tailgate of the Volvo,

we can see that even with
all seven seats in place,

you've still got room
for a kiddie's bicycle.

Now let me take it over
to the Land Rover, okay?

All seven seats up...

Um...

That's going to break...
Oh, dear, it's just going
to break the window. Oh, dear.

I think he's talking rubbish!

-I think he's talking rubbish.
-I love that Discovery.

-I think it blitzes the XC90.
-I really like it.

What square-jawed,
matinee-idol good looks.

Yeah. I think
it looks nice, too.

No. I'm sorry.

If you had loins
as productive as mine...

Overactive!

...and you had
a lot of children,
you'd have to have the Volvo.

Because you can put
the children in it
and things in the boot.

Kiddie's bike, nonsense.

I don't care!
I don't want to put
a kiddie's bike in the boot!

What do you want to put
in the boot?

I'd rather be able to put
adults in the third row seat

and you cannot do that
in the Volvo. You can't.

Why would you ever want to put
adults in the back of the car.

I have friends.

-I haven't.
-Well, then maybe we're always
gonna disagree on that.

It is... I'm sorry,
the Discovery is by far
the better machine.

That interior is clever.

Have you seen the back seats
in the Discovery?

-Have you tried
to get into the back?
-They're magnificent!

This...
You can get...

Well, you won't get in
because you're...
They built that car...

Jesus is here!

And we never knew!

Wow!

CLARKSON:
Who have we booked
as the guest this week?

Maybe he's not
supposed to be on yet.

Is he the guest?

-That would be something!

It would mean
we'd get some viewers.

How did you do
on the track, Jesus?

At least I'm not too tall
for my hair, eh, Jeremy.

And Jesus...
And Jesus is funny!

Jesus has just said
that he's not too tall
for his hair!

MAN: You'd help me
in and out anyway,
wouldn't you?

-Shut up now, Jesus!

-That's probably enough.
-That's enough, really,
from Jesus.

-CLARKSON: Shush!
James is going to speak.

Right, the new VW Golf GTI.

-Ooh.
-Here it is.

Now, when the original
Golf GTI was launched,
1975, I think,

it was very, very popular
for one reason, which was...

-It was quick.
-It was very quick.

It was the quickest.

But over the years,
the Golf GTI has
put on weight.

-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-It's become more flabby,

and eventually,
the GTI turned
into a bit of a fat G-I-T.

So what you are saying?
This one they've gone
back to basics?

Well, what they're
claiming is,

"Seeing the errors
of our ways,
we're going back to basics.

"This is a proper Golf GTI."

Yes, but, you see,
the thing is,
is that I've been

doing some research into this.

And it turns out,
its two-litre turbo engine
develops 200 brake horsepower.

-Correct.
-12 less than the Focus RS.

-Correct.
-And I think
25 less than the...

-Renault.
-Renault Megane 225.

And is it lighter
than either of those two?

-It's heavier than the Ford.
-There you go, you see.

So, they've completely
missed the point.

In America, the Cadillac brand
has been dying
on its feet for years,

rather like its customers,
and that's the problem.

It's hard to make a car cool

when it's driven
largely by octogenarians
retired to Florida.

But when the young black guys
start talking about it,
that's a different matter.

And it's this
particular Cadillac

that they're all
talking about.

The Cadillac Escalade.

It now features in more
rap and R&B lyrics
than just about any other car.

And why is it so popular?

Well, don't think
it's because it's a good car.

It weighs,
and I'm not joking here,

the best part of three tonnes.

Basically, imagine
putting wing mirrors

on a three-bedroomed semi,
and you've just about got it.

So, it's best just
to take those corners gently

and try not to notice
that your miles per gallon

are barely
into double figures.

American cars usually have
pretty rubbish interiors.

And inside the Escalade,
it's business as usual.

Look.

They've just cut a wheelie bin
in half to make that big bit.

It's all one lump of plastic.

In America, you can buy
one of these motorised
shopping malls for £28,000.

But as is the way
with these things,

by the time it gets over here,
with some toys on it,
and the forms filled out,

it's £50,000.

So, for 50 grand,

would you have this
over a Range Rover
or a BMW X5?

Um... No.

You see, as a car,
the big Caddy
is pretty poor at best,

but that really
is missing the point.

No, its magnificence,
its popularity,
lies with its bling factor.

Let's start
with its sheer size.

We think Range Rovers
are immense,

but the Escalade
is a full two feet longer.

That's 18 feet, end-to-end.

People are scared of this car.

It's fantastic.

Thank you. Yeah,
I'd have waited as well.
I don't blame you.

And it's this bulk
that gives it huge presence
and charisma.

Which, according to comedian
and Top Gear

bling consultant,
Junior Simpson,

is very important.

SIMPSON: Bling is not fashion.
All right? It's a way of life.

The main goal is
it's got to be big.

It's gotta be brash,
it's gotta be out there.

People got to look at you
and say, "Money".

You know what I mean?
Making sure you've got
sovereigns, rings all over.

Basically, you wear
and you ride in
your entire bank account.

-That's pretty bling.
-This is, probably,
the ultimate bling vehicle.

HAMMOND: And while
I've been worrying about
how tinny the dashboard is,

I've been missing
the really important details.

Look at it again.

But this time,
look at those wheels.

You look at the wheels
and you think, "Ooh".

These are, "Ooh!"

HAMMOND: And just
as important as the wheels,
are the tinted windows.

Tinted windows work,
all right?

Because you can
roll down the windows
so the honeys can see you.

You want all the honeys
to notice you, okay?

SIMPSON: "Wh'appen, baby?"
You can do
that kind of thing.

Even you can say,
"Wh'appen, baby?"

-What you said.
-What I just said.

-But then, if you spot someone
that you don't want to see...

HAMMOND: Earlier on,
I moaned that you can't drive
the Escalade quickly.

But in bling terms,
that is the whole point.

A bling vehicle
will get you from A to B,
but you'll get to B very late.

-Like that?
-Exactly, you need
to be laidback.

-Yeah.
-Lay back. Almost...

Actually, if you can get
a deck chair in there,
that'd be wicked.

HAMMOND: Bling is brilliant.

Why burden yourself
with peps and a pension

when you can put
everything you've got
into your car?

People got to know
you got money in your pocket
even if you don't.

You can have a car like this
and still live with your mum.

-Really?
And that's still cool?
-That's the beautiful thing.

-That's cool
because... Exactly.
-Seriously?

Because she'll let you
park your car outside,

but she'll also
do your laundry.

Brothers that I know
that would have
something like this

can't even afford
to put the petrol in.

They'll have, probably,
a maximum

of £7 worth of petrol in there
at any one time.

-Well, that would get you
about to there.
- There. You have it.

Do you have any idea
how monumentally stupid
you looked driving this car?

-Ah, yes.
-'Cause when you went
past that girl,

you could see it in her eyes,
as the window was coming down,
she's thinking,

"There's no one in it!"

And the window got lower,
"Oh, yes, there's
a microscopic little white man

-"standing on the seat!"
-Yeah.

But, at the time, I felt like
a six-foot black rapper.

-I felt brilliant... Shut up!

You see,
the thing is, Richard,

they're laughing at you
and I don't blame
them because...

I looked fine, didn't I?

You know
your Jay-Zed man, right?

-"Zee."
-He says
this Cadillac... "Zed."

Cadillac Marmalade, right?

He says
this is the blingiest car
that there is.

But the thing
I've been wondering is,
can you bling any car?

-Probably not.
-See, the Volvo XC90 is what
I've got in mind, okay?

That's a kind of...
They have...

You've been standing on a box!

It's a big car. Not really.

It's a kind of Daily Telegraph
of cars, really, XC90.

-It's Jilly Cooper.
-Middle England.

Exactly. Now,
I've got one under here
which I've blinged up.

-Okay, are you ready?
-This will be good.

-Here we go! Look at this!
Look what I've done.

That is rubbish, Jeremy!

I've put spinners on it.

And the idea with these,
is that they spin...

-Yeah!
-When it's going along,
that's still...

-When you stop, it does that.
-They're cool.

But on a car this size,
they need to be
about twice as big!

-But do you know
how much these are?
-Lots, go on.

-£11,000 for four of them!
-Yeah.

If you go for the big ones,
they're 25,000 quid!

That's the whole point,
you fool!

You gotta drape it in money,
that's the look!

-I've tinted the windows.
-No, it's rubbish.

I'm sorry, you've blown it.
It's garbage.

So, what if I get
like a big ring
and a pearl necklace?

-That's a different lifestyle
choice you're making.

Should I get a guest on
now then?

Yeah. Is he a black rapper?

No, but he can make you think
you are one.

He messes with your mind.
He's a hypnotist.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul McKenna!

-Hi, Paul. Good to see you.
-How are you?

-Very good, thanks.
Have a seat.
-Yes.

Now I should make it plain,
normally we get a guest on,

we rabbit through
a few of your old cars
that you've had,

a few crashes and so on
and then you do a lap
and then you go home.

-Yeah.
-Not today, though.
Slightly different.

What Paul's going to do
is a lap, yes?

-Yep, I've done the lap.
-Done that already.

And then, as a quid pro quo,
you're gonna do
something for us.

You're gonna
hypnotise someone.

I am indeed, yes.

Uh, well, first of all,
your lap. How did it go?

Well, you know,
I think of myself
as a calm person...

-Mmm-hmm.
-...but I'm afraid

after two or three times
around the circuit,

I got more and more
intensely into it.

And, even now... I actually
had to do some techniques
to calm myself down.

In fact, if anyone
from the DVLA
is watching,

-just give me
the 12 points now, you know.

-Do the sensible thing.
-It builds you up a bit
out there.

Yeah, I did take it
very seriously.
I was quite surprised.

So, who'd like to see
what happened when Paul
was doing some practising?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Run the tape.

CLARKSON:
This is Paul practising.

And that's coming on
to the main straight.

Oh, hardest corner,
the second to last corner,

-threading a needle
at 100 miles an hour and...

Oh, Lord!

Quite calm?

Very good, still.
You then went out again.

How many
practise runs are you given?
A fair few, aren't you?

-Uh, yes, that's right.
-A fair few.

Who'd like to see
the finished lap?

-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Okay, let's have a look,
how we got on.

-CLARKSON: What do you
think of the car?

Uh, I ain't gonna swap
the Ferrari for it.

No, exactly.
But it's reasonably priced
as we keep saying.

That's nice,
through your first corner.

Tidier than Fay Ripley
last week.

-Interesting faces!
-It's the faces!

You look like
you're sitting on something.

How many more
facial expressions
can we get?

CLARKSON: It looks like
you're trying to get

a grand piano
up a fire escape,
really, I would say.

And onto the main straight.
Now, this is where you had
the problem in practice,

but you've learned
your lesson
by the looks of things.

-Ooh!

CLARKSON:
Sort of learned your lesson,
round the last corner.

-And there we are,
across the line.

So...

Where do you think
you'd like to have come
on our board?

Well, I want to beat
Rob Brydon,

because I spoke to him
on the phone yesterday,

-and he said...
-Well, that's aiming high.

"Watch when you wear
that helmet, it doesn't
mess your hair up."

-And... But I don't think
J.K. would be very happy

if I beat him, so...

So you've been looking
at somewhere
between 1:48, 1:48.6.

I'd be deliriously happy
if it was there.

But, you know, I mean,
looking at that film,
I don't know.

-Well, your facial expressions
were fantastic.
-It worries me

what I might look like
when I'm having sex
now, actually.

I would hope not like that.

-You did it.

Let's hope I last longer
than 1:48, is all.

-You've guessed right.

You did it in one minute

-48 seconds, dead!
-No!

So...

You're tied with J.K.
You've beaten Rob Brydon.

You're one of the sort
of big triumvirate there,
the Jodie Kidd, J.K. thing.

Now...

Okay, we've given you
some fun and games
in our car.

Now you're gonna give us
some fun and games.

-Yes?
-I am indeed. Yes.

Um, you're going
to hypnotise someone.

-Yep.
-It can't be me.

We've tried that in the past.
It didn't really work.

We don't think James is right,
so that would be, um, shirt.

Boy, are we going to have
some fun with him!

But for now, everyone,
thank you, Paul McKenna!

-Thank you.

Very good one. Very good one.

Right, well.

We'll... We'll see about that.

Anyway, James, you haven't
really contributed much

to the sort of blingness
of this whole programme,
have you really?

No, but I can do.

Right, this should be good.

Right, all right. Now,
you know there's a new
Thunderbirds film out.

-Yes?
-Yes.

And surely,
the mother of all bling
was Lady Penelope.

Now, she was white,
and she had no rhythm,

but that's 'cause
she was a puppet.

What she did have was
a really massive pink car
with six wheels.

It was a futuristic
Rolls Royce called FAB 1.

And it was only a model,
so turning it round was easy.

MAY: But for the new
Thunderbirds film,
there's a new FAB 1,

and this time manoeuvring it
isn't going to be
quite so easy.

From nose to tail,
it's 27 feet long.

That's the height
of a three-storey building.

Not only is this not a model,
it's not even a Rolls Royce.

They were asked
to design a car,

but they were far
too busy working on
the new Phantom.

So, this is a Ford.

So it lacks absolute
snob appeal,

but it more than
makes up for that
in other ways.

That is the best combined
roof and door opening action
I've ever seen.

Inside, there's room
for just two people.

Her ladyship
reclines back here.

Her faithful chauffeur,
Parker, sits here.

But the interior is fantastic.

There's lashings of
cream leather and chrome.

And my favourite bit,
some real shag pile.

But the fixtures and fittings
aren't the thing I like
most about this car.

What I really like
is that it works.

Let's face it,
Lady Penelope and Parker,

they were
the original blingsters.

They were like the sort of
J-Lo and Puff Diddly,

but of the puppet world.

I'm not sure
I really understand bling,
but I think this must be it.

I mean, it's got 24-inch rims
and blacked-out glass.

It's wicked.

It is completely road legal.

It even has a tax disc, look.

So, I'm gonna take it off
around Northamptonshire

to solve some international
crisis in the East Midlands.

This is Thunderbirds,
so there are a few
strings attached.

This may be road legal,
but it isn't driver-friendly.

I think I'm going to go left.

Steering it is like helming
a Spanish galleon.

And there's another problem.

Remember, this thing
is 27 feet long,
and that, strangely,

is the length of
the average British village.

So, the two don't
mix very well.

Right, mini roundabout.

Thunderbirds are go!

-Whoa!

Sorry, madam.

Ah, I've just discovered

that there are no mirrors
on this thing.

Here comes the local builder.
Sorry, mate.

It's just not gonna
go through there.

I've stopped
on a zebra crossing.

-Yeah, sorry.

Sorry!
I forgot how long it was.

I don't remember
Parker having to
apologise this much.

He just used to say,
"Yes, m'lady", all the time.

Sorry.

Yes, sir, well, your car's
not exactly manly
either, is it?

Look at it.

We have successfully driven
through Knebworth.

I don't think anybody noticed.

It may be top bling,
but FAB 1 is largely useless

on anything but wide,
straight roads.

So, if you were Lady Penelope,
there's only one place
in Britain you could live.

Oh, dear.

So, I aks you, is I bling?

In that jacket, mate,
I don't think so.

Um, okay. Now,
while you were watching
James in his pink car,

Richard was taken outside
by Paul and hypnotised.

He was then presented
with the red, very powerful,
Alfa Romeo

that we saw earlier, okay.

And this, Richard,
is what happened.

Uh, well, earlier on in
the show, we saw Jeremy
talking about this Alfa.

And he wimped out
of taking it for a drive.

He said it made him cry,
the big wet.

So, I'm gonna
show you how to do it
and give it a bit of a lap.

Excuse me.
Sleep, sleep, sleep. Relax.

Deep, deep, deep, deep.

Because, when you wake up,

you will be completely
unable to remember
how to drive a car.

It will be confusing to you.

You'll remember
how to get into it,

but you won't be able
to remember how to drive it.

Eyes open, wide awake!

So, uh, this is
a neat-looking car,
isn't it?

-It is. It's very hot.
-Can I come
for a ride with you?

Yep, no problem.

Right.

Okay, um, have you
heard about this thing?

-Uh, yes.
-Astonishing engine on it.

It's got 370 brake horsepower.

Right, well... Well...

-Shall we get going, then?
-Yep.

Give us a sec,
I just want to think
about this, um...

'Cause, obviously,
I drive a lot
of different cars,

so you've got to
familiarise yourself with it.

-Yeah, they're all different.
-All of them.

How does this one start,
do you think?

Um, you start it
in the usual...
There's a button.

-McKENNA: Which button?
- No, there's...

Is it that button?

No, no, it's not that.

No, it's the, um...

There's... It'll be like
a starter thing there.

I think that's
the cigarette lighter.

-Yeah, I know. Yeah, it is.

That's right. There's, um...

These make it hot,
if you turn those around.

Aren't they great?
So, it's quite well equipped.

McKENNA:
Uh, shall we get going, then?

HAMMOND:
Yep. Yeah, let's do that.

There you go. It's that.

-Um...

That's not the engine,
obviously. This is...

-You do this...

Oh! That's bad.

-Um... That's... Ooh!

McKENNA: Hang on a minute.

HAMMOND:
Oh, you've stopped it now.

You've stopped that there.

Um, it'll be, um...

You start it with the usual...
For God's sake.

Um... Well, the usual thing.

You start the thing up
and then we go.

-Um...

It's... You just...

It's easy.
We start it up and then we go.

McKENNA: Can you not
remember how to drive this?

Um, yes!

-Yes, I remember
how to drive it.
-Yeah.

It's my job.

Um...

God's sake, no, we just...

Is it one of those?

-No.
-What is this called?

It's the, um...

It's the...
It's the big control.

-"Big control"?
-Yeah.

What does this do here?

-Don't know.
-You don't know.

Do you know
what that's called?

No.

What do you think that does?

That probably...
You could... That...

You could... That...
That turns it.

-That turns it,
this knob here does.
-Yep.

-Yeah.
-Yep. So, you can left
or you can right,

and then you can...
You can go faster.

-Slower with that knob?
-Yeah. It's a joystick.

-It's a joystick.
-It's a joystick, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

And, sleep.

And relax, deeply back down.

Now, when I wake you,
you'll be completely able

to remember how
to drive a car.

Your memory of driving
a car will return.

You will no longer
feel confused.

Returning to normal wake
and consciousness as your
normal self in every way.

Wide awake. Wakey, wakey.

So, anyway,
we were about to go
for a drive in this, I think.

-Yep.
-Yeah. I just don't know
how it starts.

Um, I'm a bit far away, here.

Right.

Jeremy's the world's
biggest wuss scared of
a front-wheel drive car

with 370 brake horsepower.

Well...

Hang on,
I'm slightly worried now.

That's my livelihood!

Have you... Did you know?
I've got to find out.

What did you think
was going on?

I was confused.
Do you know what
I kept thinking of?

The coffee machine.
We've got a coffee machine

in our room where we sit
and wait to do this

and it's got all knobs on it.

And I don't know
what any of them do.

You thought you were sitting
in a coffee machine?

No, I didn't think it was
the coffee machine.

It was just like...
Oh, I don't know.

You know, uh...
It's difficult to explain,

but when I go up
to that coffee machine,

I couldn't make myself
a coffee out of that
to save my life, okay.

And it's just knobs
that you twiddle,
and it was like that.

And so, when you set off
and the boot came open,

and the indicator was on,
that's 'cause he pulled
every single...

-Every button.
-I mean...

I really don't like you.

Well, it's interesting
you should say that

because he is still presumably
under your spell now.

-Yeah.
-You could put him
to sleep now?

Yeah, I could.

-Go on.
-Don't look so worried.

Just go back to sleep.

Relax. There we go.

Deeply down. That's right.

-And he's now under.
-He is.

And we could do
anything we liked with him.

We...

Within reason, yes,
just about anything.

I mean, I should explain.
We couldn't show you actually
hypnotising him on TV,

'cause people at home
may be hypnotised.

This has to be done in secret.

But he's... He's gone.

Yes, that's right.

Hamster?

He always reacts to hamster.

So, if we were to bring out
like a pedal car now.

-Yeah.
-We've got one in here.

Something like this.

Could we convince him...

-'Cause he's a big 911 fan.
-Mmm-hmm.

Could we convince him
that's his brand new
911 Turbo,

and to do a bit of
a road test for us?

And for him to think that
it's just the best car
in the world,

-nothing could
possibly beat it.
-Yep.

And then, if anything were
to happen to his 911 Turbo,

he'd be pretty livid about it.

Yeah, I think so.
Let's give that a go.

McKENNA: When you wake up,
the car that Jeremy points at,
in just a moment,

you will believe
is a brand new,
gleaming 911.

Your 911.

You'll think it's faster
than any other car
in the world,

you'll be convinced of that.

And when you get in this car,

you'll make the noise
that the 911 makes...

...as you pedal around
the studio floor.

If anyone were to crash
into your 911,

you'll be furious about that.

Ready?

Eyes open, wide awake. So...

-What about this?
-911. I've got one.

-It's fantastic.
-That's your one, right?

Yeah.

Could you take it
for a drive for us?

-Now?
-Tell us what it's...
Yeah, why not?

Right on.

This has got... Look!

I love the finish on this.
It's beautiful, isn't it?

The silver's extra.

The only problem is
I'd rather have the newer one

because they've put
round head lamps in them now.

Isn't it a bit cramped
in there? Isn't it a bit
cramped in that 911?

Well, yeah.
They're not a big car.

Well, why don't you
take it for a spin

-and, you know,
do a Top Gear road test?
-Around here?

Well, go easy. It's fast.
It's a fast car, right?

Yeah, I don't want
to make a mess.
All right, fine.

You know how to
push yourself along
if you get stuck.

Yeah, no, that's fine.
We can...

-McKENNA:
Start the engine, maybe?
-Um...

It is started,
you can hear that flat six
that they do.

It's a proper racing noise.

That's a... Listen to that!

It's difficult in here
to do this.

You see, it's got that
real biting sound to it.

What are you doing in that?

You look ridiculous!

Watch it. Careful!
Careful! Careful! Damn it!

I'm sorry, mate.

Oh, damn it, man, that's new!

I'm so sorry.

Well, stop the
cameras or something,
'cause that's gonna...

Oh, man!

I'm really sorry.
That's actually dented...

That's the only new car
I've had in my flaming life.

No, it's gone and dented
the door in, look.

I'm really sorry.
It'll buff out, I think.

No, it bloody won't buff.

No, we can't swear.

Oh, come on,
I've never had a...

Sorry, I've never had
a new car before and...

With your stupid thing.

Probably a good idea
actually, Paul, at this point,

if you bring him
out of it now.

Yes. Sleep and relax.

Because when you wake up
you'll be completely back

to being your normal self
in every way.

If we could leave him like
that just for the time being.

Oh, sure, yeah.

CLARKSON: That'll be good.

When he wakes up,
he's still convinced
that's his car,

911s are the best car
in the world.

McKENNA: Absolutely.
Yeah, certainly.

So, for the rest of the show,

you'll be convinced 911s
are not just the best cars

but the fastest cars,
everything about them
is fantastic.

Okay, let's just
leave him like that.

But, for now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Paul McKenna.

CLARKSON: Thanks very much.

Okay, now, petrolhead time
of the programme.

Um, McLaren F1,
we've got a picture
of it here.

Um, I was never really
a fan to be honest,

because you had to win
the Premium Bond jackpot

twice in order to be able
to afford one,

so it wasn't even a dream car.
You were never gonna have one.

Also, it wasn't
that brilliant to drive.
It had lift at speed,

very twitchy at the back end.

McLaren, anyway,
have had another go
at making a road car.

Now, he drove it
in South Africa.

Now, it's here on our track.

CLARKSON:
Before we get there though,

this is the supercharged
Mercedes SL55.

It's part rapier,
part sledgehammer,
all hairdryer.

It's the best
Mercedes could do,

but still they went
to McLaren and asked
them to make it better.

This is what
they came up with.

It's called
the McLaren-Mercedes SLR.

And, at first,
it's hard to see the point.

I mean, the old McLaren F1,
the million-dollar supercar,
that was a one-off.

There was nothing
to compare it to.

But what we've got here
are two Mercs.

They're both two-seaters,

they both have 5.5-litre
supercharged V8 engines
at the front,

they're both rear-wheel
drive and yet,

that one with a foldaway roof
is £90,000.

That one with a solid roof
is £312,000.

Why?

Well, that's what
I'm here to find out.

It may have the same
sized engine as the SL,

but that's where
the similarities end.

This isn't a
500 brake horsepower
sledgehammer.

It's a 600 horsepower
blunderbuss.

My word, that is fast!

And listen to that noise!

Apparently, when they
were designing it,

the guys from McLaren
kept saying,

"It sounds like a Spitfire."

The guys from Mercedes
were going,

"Nein, nein, nein,
it sounds like
a Messerschmitt."

They're both wrong, actually.

It sounds like
the god of thunder.

Gargling with nails.

And the engine is only part
of this car's work over.

You see, the body of the SLR,
and I mean all of it,

is made from carbon fibre,
which is three times more
expensive than steel.

That's the downside.

The upside is that
it's very, very strong

and very, very light.

So, let's see what effect
the extra muscles

and the low weight have
in a half-mile drag race.

What's that little
dark blue speck back there?

Now, the SL is a quick car

in the same way that I'm good
with a tin of beans.

But this is Gordon Ramsay.

This is the full
626 brake horsepower,

morel mushroom.

This does nought to 60
in a pulverising 3.8 seconds.

Top speed, 208.

Welcome, everyone,
to the fastest automatic car
in the world.

And actually, the way it
gathers speed is nothing

compared to the way
it loses it.

We're going to do
a simple test.

Those cones are 240 feet
away from this line
and these cones here.

Now, that's how long
the highway code says

it should take to pull up
from 60 miles an hour.

But I'm not going
to be doing 60 miles an hour
as I cross this line.

I'm going to be doing
double that. 120.

That is extraordinary.

All the organs in my body

that were pushed
to the back when I accelerated

have now shot forward again.

My tonsils are now
in front of my front teeth.

Part of this phenomenal
stopping power is down
to the new ceramic brakes

which glow when
you use them,

and catch fire
when you use them a lot.

And part is down
to the air brake, great!

But there is a downside.

The problem is
that there's almost no feel.

Braking in this car
is like mountaineering
in a pair of Wellingtons.

They are very odd.

But there's something
that's even more weird.

Why, if they've gone
to all the trouble of making
this car so light,

have they filled the innards
up with a big, heavy
automatic gearbox,

an air conditioning,
and cruise control
and leather...

Look at all this stuff!
It's all lifted straight
off the SL.

Surely that's like making
an exquisite souffle

and then garnishing it
with a slab of lard.

So, what is this car,
a luxury Mercedes
or a McLaren racer?

Well, let's get it
on our circuit,

see what's what.

It doesn't take long
to realise that this is
a fantastic car.

It's a grippy, agile,
adrenaline rush.

I can't help thinking
that it's actually better

than McLaren's
current race car.

There's actually so much grip

that both my lungs
are now on this side
of my body.

And my tonsils,
which were here,
are now in my ear.

But even though
it's seriously aggressive,

it's as civilised
as Switzerland,

and no harder to handle
than a vacuum cleaner.

I actually prefer it
to the old F1 supercar.

It's less daft,
less expensive,
less terrifying,

and the performance
is more accessible

because it's more controllable
for more of the time.

Let me put it this way.

This is a supercar.

A bowl of prawns
and avocado and cress,

delicious and tasty,
but a bit hard to handle.

Now, what Mercedes have done

is taken those same
supercar ingredients

but wrapped them up
in two pieces of bread.

See what I mean?

In essence then,
this is a prawn
and avocado sandwich.

Supercar innards
with supermarket convenience.

It's brilliant
and I'm not at all surprised

it costs three times more
than a SL55.

What does surprise me is that
it only costs half as much
as the old F1 did.

-What?
-You're here.

-Yes. I am.
-It's you. Your name is?

-Richard Hammond.
-And this is a...

It's a McLaren SLR.

-And you drove it in?
-In South Africa,

and I still think the brakes
are, to be honest, rubbish.

But there is a more important
question to answer,
and that is how is this car,

with its air conditioning
and its cruise control
and its automatic gear box,

gonna fare when we give it
to The Stig?

Exactly, I mean, if you look
at our power lap board here,

the four, top five,
six top cars

are all mid-engine,
kind of purpose-built
snouty supercars.

This has got a big boot
and, as you say, an automatic.

So, how is it gonna get on?

CLARKSON: Away he goes.

Not much fuss there,
lots of traction,
almost no drama at all.

Yes, it's this week's
power ballad.

And here we go into
the first corner,

Stig keeping it
perfectly balanced,

right on the edge there,
down to Chicago.

Coming in very fast,
hard on the brakes,

very hard, turning in,
keeping it really tight
to the line.

That is pretty much perfect.

Right, Hammerhead now.

Here we are. Ooh...

A front-engine car
will understeer.

Not a hint of it.
And listen to that!

And a bit of oversteer there
on the way out.

Glorious!

We're coming
to the Follow Through,
very powerful car,

surely he's going to lift.

Is he gonna lift?

Threw his air brakes up.
He's actually braking,
that's how fast he's going.

I think that's
a first through there.
But will it hurt the time?

That's what we're gonna know.
Two bends to go.

That is very smooth.

The car's doing the hard work.

Last corner. A little bit
of showboating there, Stig.

And across the line!

Now, these are the times
he's got to beat.

1:23.7 for the Lambo,

1:23.8 for the Zonda,

1:23.9 for the Koenigsegg.

And it's got to beat
the GT3 as well.

Yes, it has.

It will beat that!

In fact, it has beaten that.

It has done it in one minute,

20 seconds point nine.

-It hasn't just beaten them...

That is the fastest lap ever
round our track.

Apart from the 911.
I mean, this is rare.

The 911 GT... Clearly a 911
obviously would...
Is a faster car.

Come on! It's...

You think a GT3
would beat that?

Well, that's a focused car.

This has got tons of stuff
on it you don't need.

On that bombshell,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have to bid you good night.

See you next week.

The show's over.

-Richard.
-I'm just making a point.

The 911 cannot...
That's the fastest lap ever.

Yes, but the 911
could beat it.

It just hasn't on there.