Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Clarkson vs. the Chrysler Crossfire - full transcript

CLARKSON:
On today's show, I drive
the new Chrysler Crossfire,

Richard tries a Smart
with 100% more engine,

and the Honda NSX Type R
takes to our track.

Well, that's what
we were planning.

But unfortunately,

we have completely
run out of money.

-No, no, for real.
We have. It's all
gone. -Well, we have.

You see, the problem is,
the BBC gives each programme
a big bunch...

-Well, not a big
bunch... -A bunch of
cash...

...at the start of the year,
and Newsnightand Panorama,

they have no problem
at all making theirs last.



But us...

-Sorry.
-As always.

What did they think?
It was like
giving a seven-year-old boy

a year's worth of
sweeties all in one go
and saying, "Right,

"don't eat them all at once."
I'm afraid we did.

-All of them.
-We did.
We took the money,

and we went mental with it.

CLARKSON: This, for instance,
was hugely expensive.

Harrier's off the ground
and already moving
200 miles an hour...

Then I went to America
to do this in a Ford GT.

And when the Royal Navy
rang and said,

would we like to hire
an aircraft carrier,
we said, "Ooh, yes,

"and could we fire a Jaguar
off the end of it?"

Well, we had a great year.
And now
we're paying the price.



-We really are hopeless.
-Have a look at this.

This is Jeremy's bar bill
from the Isle of Man trip.

-It gets worse!
-That's a huge number
of fruit-based drinks.

It is. It gets worse.
This is the fuel bill

from when you took
that Rolls-Royce
up to Hull. Remember?

-A bit thirsty,
that thing, isn't it?
-It's not all me, though.

We did have the compensation
claim from the viewer
who was blinded

by one of your shirts.

And then there was
all the stuff we smashed up.

So...

So because
of our blokish immaturity,

we haven't got the F1
car. Or the Queen.

But, ah, but...
Because we are
blokes, we do
have...

Ingenuity.
So we shall overcome.

For instance,
James here
has a music degree.

So, James,
if you would please
take it away?

- -Sounding good.

- -Excellent.

Okay, here we go.
On tonight's
cut-price Top Gear:

A small plastic car
that's actually
quite economical.

We take a seasonal
Yuletide trip to,
er... Birmingham.

Oh, and we do have a supercar!
Albeit a quite cheap one.

-Oh, yes!

Not bad.

Four and a half minutes
of television recorded

and we've done
absolutely nothing,
spent absolutely nothing,

and now I'm afraid
we've got to get
cracking. So...

Germans and Americans.
I've long held the belief

that they are
one and the same.

They both have a
fondness for moustaches,

they both like
the mullet haircut,

they both have the eagle
as a national symbol...

But the effect
these two countries
have had on Britain

is very different.

CLARKSON: First of all,
the Americans.

Our endless need
to copy everything they do,

but in a smaller way,
has resulted in this place.

Welcome to StarCity,

the entertainment centre
of the Midlands.

It's not to be
found off Route
66,

but it is off Junction 6
of the M6,

just outside Las Birmingham.

So, what's Germany's
contribution to Britain?

Well, it was their bombers
that created the spaces

where places like this
could be built.

And that's the thing:
when the Germans
and the Americans

work together,
even the sky isn't the limit.

See that? The moon?

It was German
scientists using
American money that
took us there.

And now,
these two great nations

have come together once more,

and made a car.

It looks American,
and it's called
the Chrysler Crossfire,

but it's built in Germany,
and underneath the body,

it's basically a Mercedes SLK.

It even has
the same 3.2 litre V6 engine.

Houston,das Eagle
has landed.

American cars have never
really worked in Britain.

They've always
been square pegs,

and the only way
we'd let one
into our round hole

is if it turned up
with some Hershey bars
and a boot full of nylons.

But this one, this hybrid,

this might be different.

CLARKSON: To find
out, I left
Birmingham

and went back to England.

In essence, the Crossfire
is a two-seater

which costs £27,260.

Now, of course,
being a coupe, the styling
is hugely important, and...

Oh, dear.

I've been trying to
think what it is

that this shape reminds me of,

and last night it came to me.

You know when a dog's
doing its number twos?

That kind
of arched-back thing?

That's what it is!

Hideous!

Ugh!

CLARKSON: Maybe the Crossfire
gets round this

by hitting back
with a savage turn of speed.

Sadly not.
On the upside,

it doesn't weigh as much
as its rivals,
but on the downside,

it's nowhere near as powerful.

Naught-60 takes 7.2 seconds.

There are animals
which are faster than that!

Actually, the
biggest limiting
factor

to the performance in this car
is the gearbox,

because every time
I set off it goes "Ba-dnng!"
and leaps out of first gear.

And I'm told
the automatic
version is even
worse.

So far, then, things
are not shaping up well.

But it does have
the classic
front-engined rear-drive
layout,

so maybe
it can out-corner a trout.

There's a strangely
detached feel
to the steering, somehow.

Gives you no real confidence
to get your foot down,

'cause you've got no
sense of what the wheels
are actually up to.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dearie me.

And the suspension
has an uncanny ability

to turn the smoothest road
into what feels
like a mogul field.

It's hard to find anything
in the Crossfire
that really works.

Even the interior is wrong.

The steering wheel's too big,
I don't have
quite enough legroom,

the seats don't have
enough lateral support,

the rear 3/4 visibility
is woeful,
and there's a sense of

cheapness in here.

So, it looks like a dog
doing a poo,

it's slow, uncomfortable,
expensive,

and cursed with a cramped,
badly-trimmed interior,

an awful gearbox
and no back seat.

The engine doesn't make
a particularly sporty noise,
the ride is terrible

and it isn't
especially economical.

This has to be
the worst example

of American-German cooperation

since a chap
called Adolphus Busch
arrived in the States,

tasted the water
and thought, "Mmm,

"I could make beer
out of this!"

And we ended up
with that headache-in-a-can
called Budweiser.

Wasn't exactly

full of Christmas
cheer, that road test.

No, it wasn't,
actually. And you
should thank your
lucky stars

you weren't driving
that automatic one.

I've heard it's really bad.

That bad?

My favourite bit
about this car,
apart from the boot,

you've got to see that.
Look. How wide's that?

No, come back out,
you've gotta see
how wide the car is

and how narrow
the opening is.

-And all Americans
play golf, don't they?
-Exactly. Mistake.

More like a
postbox, I think.

My favourite bit, though,
is what you get in the bump.

It says here, "Crossfire has
an aerodynamically limited
top speed

"of 155."

All cars are limited
by their aerody...

If there were no air,
a Mini Metro would go
a million miles an hour!

That's why space
rockets are so fast.

Exactly. Um...

To sum up,
really, very simple.

For £6,000 less
than this you
can have a Toyota Celica,

-and it's the good one,
isn't it?
-It is. The T Sport.

Drove one the other day.
Little bit buzzy
at the top end, but...

-Good?
-Very good car, actually.

-For £5,000 less, then...
-I know what you're gonna say.

You can have the Mazda RX-8
that we looked at
a few weeks ago.

It's a complete no-brainer!
"Should I have this,

"or the Mazda?"

Really, that's
the easiest decision
you'll ever make.

Absolutely.
Unless, of course,
you're the kind of person

who suddenly decides
"No, I don't want
power, performance,

"good looks, clever
doors, clever engine.

"I want to spend £5,000 more
on something that's rubbish.

"Oh, and that
automatic gearbox
is exactly right."

-You've no idea.
-It's actually uglier
as an automatic.

-Yeah, the whole
car... -Is uglier?

Yeah, it's got
an amazing gearknob.

I'm looking forward
to driving it next year.

-You really must drive
the automatic Crossfire.
-Oh, yes. Yes, you should.

Uh, and talking of next year,
what we're gonna do now
is give you

a few of the cars
which will be coming up
over the next 12 months.

And the first one
we want to talk about
is the Citroen C5.

Now, eh...

They're going to change
its style,
which is quite tricky.

We've got a picture
of it here...

HAMMOND: There is no style!
It's just a lump of car!

You know, if you were
gonna do a bank job,
and you needed a getaway car,

that would be ideal, really.

'Cause the police would say
"What did it look like?"

-"Er..."

Suzuki have a new car
coming next year.

At the moment it's
called the Concept S2.

Here's a picture of it.

They're not going
to call it that
when they bring it in.

They're going to call it
the Suzuki Swift.
Which it won't be, obviously.

-We doubt that'll be swift.
-No.

You look at that and you go
"That's not a swift car."

Suzuki Sluggish.

Land Rover Discoveries.
You know how they're bought
chiefly by

murderers,
burglars,
robbers...

-Bit sweeping, that, Jeremy.
-I promise you, they are.
All of them.

All burglars have Discoveries.

-Are you
sure? -Yes.

I'm not trying to say it
the other way round.

Not everyone in a Discovery
is a burglar.
But all burglars

do have Discoveries.

There's a new Discovery

coming along next
year, and it's going
to have a ladder
chassis.

But what I'm interested in...
Get up a picture
of the old Discovery.

You know this kink
in the back?

-Why did you need
such a tall boot?
-Well, for a bit of space.

Right, but you know,
whose dog is that tall?

-"Whoa, I need extra headroom
for my dog!"
-Could be claustrophobic.

-No, a dog's like a hamster.
- No, it's not.

-It's bigger. It's different.
-Have you...

I'm not saying you
should, but if you were
to shave a hamster...

I don't mean you should go out
and do that. Whatever you do,
don't do that. But...

It's been great,
doing this show.

They're tiny.
Hamsters are tiny,
with a lot of...

And dogs are like that.

They are!

I've got a big off-road...
Well, used to have a big
off-road Toyota Landcruiser.

You load it up with kids,
all the kids' friends,
bicycles, the whole lot,

and then the dog
sits there
going...

"All right, you can
come." And there's no
space,

but the dog,
given the choice
of staying at home

or going in the car,
will find somewhere to fit.

They do.
So why do you need it
to be that tall?

-If you had a giraffe,
it would like it.
-Nobody's got a giraffe.

Meerkat.
They stand up

-on their hind legs when...
-Again, Richard,
nobody has a pet meerkat.

If you had a meerkat
crossed with a Labrador,

'cause they like
to... It could stand
up, and it could...

Look, there's a window there.
It could look out there.

So, there we are, then,
ladies and gentlemen.

If you're a
burglar or a
robber

and you've got a meerkat
crossed with a Labrador...

Just wait for that
to come out.

-What's next?
-Let's talk about
the Jaguar S-Type.

Next year
they're going
to "facelift" this,

but as you can see,
the face looks
exactly the same.

What they've actually
done is given it a new
boot lid and rear
lights,

and I think
what happened is

a designer went up to it,
looked at the front,
thought that was the arse

and went to the other end
and worked on that instead.

-That's not a facelift at all,
it's a bumlift!
-It is. And the back

-was the bit we liked!
-I didn't like
any of that car, actually.

No, it was Jaguar's weakest...
Who's agreeing with me, that
was the weakest Jaguar ever?

- Yes!
-Absolutely.

They should drop it
from a great height
and be done with it.

Now, enough about cars
of the future. Let's look
at cars of the moment.

When we had this,
the Smart Roadster,
on earlier in the year,

we criticised it
for its miserly boot space.

Barely enough room,
we reckoned,
for a tray of potatoes.

Well, it seems
that the Germans
have been listening.

Trouble is, I think
they might have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

I mean, yeah, they have looked
at the miserable boot space.

And then they've filled
it with another engine.

The ordinary car
has a three-cylinder
700cc turbo in here.

But now we've got
two engines welded together

to create a V6.
And because each
brings its own turbo,

it's a V6 bi-turbo.

Smashing.

Is all this
strictly necessary?

I mean, the ordinary
car is no slouch.

It feels fantastic.

Well, because the engine count has been doubled,

the 0-60 time
has been halved.

Now it's under six seconds,
and the top speed
nudges 140 miles an hour.

So, to answer
my own question, yes.

It is necessary. Very.

Specially when
it feels like this!

This machine is the
work of German
tuning-house Brabus,

a company with a history
of taking Mercedes cars

that are already
fast and making
them much,
much faster.

Tom Cruise has a Brabus.

So does Michael Schumacher.

So does Brad Pitt.

There is no price
list at Brabus.

Every year
they sell a handful

that touch
the half-million pound mark.

But Brabus do like to give you a bit more than just power
for your money.

The Smart has got chrome and leather everywhere,

bucket seats and harnesses,

and a fire extinguisher
nicked from an oil rig.

And it looks good,
too, with shark-fin
grilles on the side

and a spectacular view
of that unique engine.

But what Brabus give
with one hand,

they taketh away
with the other.

They've nicked
the
air-conditioning
and the radio

for "packaging reasons".

What, in case they
want to stick
another engine
in there?

And...

There's your boot space,

full of fuel tank. So...

There's the packing
done. Bloke heaven.

Ooh, foam rubber, that tank.
Like a Formula One fuel tank.

So, let's empty it.

HAMMOND: Shouldn't take long.
It now produces

218 brake horsepower per ton.

That is the same
as a Porsche 911 Carrera 4.

It's got the little Smart
paddle-shift gearbox, which

is all right,
actually. It's not too
bad.

Long as you can
remember where the
paddles are to shift.

And there's no
traction control,
either. Apparently

they haven't been able
to reprogram it yet

for all that extra
go. Good, I say.

What's amazing is
just how much
low-down power
you get.

It's got huge grunt.

It feels like a much,
much, much bigger
engine than it really
is.

It's like a... A bottle
of sports car concentrate.

Now for the bad news.
This particular car

-cost £330,000 to build.

The good news, though, is that Brabus will be making
a Roadster next year.

True enough,
it probably won't have
this two-engine business,

but it definitely won't have
that price tag, either.

Then again,
Brabus are always
open to commissions,

so if you're feeling flush...

-£330,000...
-Yes.

Strikes me as being
a bit steep for a plastic car.

It is steep for a small car.
In actual fact they've only
made 9 or 10 of those

to show off what they can do.
It is very expensive.

Are they going
to do it for real?

They will. Don't know
exactly what that'll be like.

But it'll still be expensive,
I'm sure.

So that's the standard car,
and that is, I think,
14 grand?

-Or thereabouts, yeah.
-It's good. I like it.

-You like it?
-I do.
-Would you have one?

-No.
-Why not?

I'm gonna stick to
our guns on this, James.
It is a cracking little car

and I'm sure that will be,
when they make one. But...

It's still too expensive.
Just too much money.

He's right, you know.

Right. At this point
of the show we need
something really cheap.

Something that
will cause us three
to stand around talking

and showing you old clips that
you've already seen before.

So, welcome
to the Top Gear2003 Awards!

Absolutely! Now,
we're not going to mess around
with "Best Supporting Coupe"

and "Best Car
in a Foreign
Language" or any of
that.

We are going to go
straight to the big one,
Top Gear'sCar of the Year.

-Best car. Gentlemen...

The Rolls-Royce Phantom.

We love the way
they've merged
engineering excellence

with old-world charm.
We also love the fact

that Simon Cowell
hasn't bought one.

The Volvo XC90.
A people-carrier

that isn't
mumsy. A 4x4

that doesn't make you
want to punch the driver
in the middle of his face.

Whoever designed
this had kids.

The Mazda RX-8.
A practical four-door coupe

that goes like stink
and drives like a dream.

Good at everything,
and good value, too.

And the winner is...

Obvious, actually.
James, you want to
play us in to this one?

The European Car of the jury.

The European
Car of the Year jury say
it's the Fiat Panda,

but frankly we'd rather
drive home in ours.

It's big. It's
British. It's also
German.

-Wasn't that clever, you see?

-It is, of course,
the Rolls-Royce, everybody!

That was, er,

our attempt at being sensible.
Now let's get on to our award

for the Dullest
Grand Prix Driver
of the Year.

This is the Nigel Mansell
trophy for the driver
who has most persistently

driven us to the edge
of distraction in a post-race
press conference.

-Gentlemen, the nominations.
-From McLaren Mercedes,

Kimi Raikkonen.

He's 24 years old,
he's paid millions
of pounds a year

and he chooses to
live in Chigwell.

MAY: Michael Schumacher.
He's had a tattoo on his neck,
the little rock'n'roller,

but just in case
he wants to wash it
off, it's henna.

The second
McLaren Mercedes
driver, David
Coulthard,

a man who finished the season

by saying
exactly what he's said
for the last eight seasons,

"I'll win next time around."

Three nominations
there, and David
Coulthard has come in
fourth!

HAMMOND: Excellent.

Old Lantern-Jaw says
that he will try to do better
next time round.

The winner, of course,
is Old Chatterbox himself,

Kimi Raikkonen!

Now...

Onto our
Ugliest Car of the Year.

The Daewoo Tacuma.

Spreading abject misery
into the lives
of oncoming motorists.

The Hyundai Matrix.
Looks like it had an accident
before it left the factory.

-The Mercedes Vaneo...

"Mercedes Vaneo".
Sounds a bit like a...

CNN news reporter
or something, doesn't
it? However,

it looks like Andrew Marr.

It does. Now, those
were the nominations,

but I'm overruling
all of them.
I'm playing my Joker,

and I'm going to say
that the winner is
the BMW Range!

-Can you do
that? -Yeah.

If I had to pick just one,
and it's very difficult,

I'd probably go for the X3,

which is the new
"small version" of the X5.

Except, of course,
it's exactly the same
size as the X5.

They call it an off-roader,
but as you can see
from the shot there,

it's very carefully
sticking to the road,
where it belongs.

And just look at it.

Hideous, hideous car!

Right, let's move on.

This is the award for the car
most likely to put you
into a tree.

It is the Most Fun Car
of the Year Award.

-This is important.
-It is. Because it's been,

no joking,
the most amazing
year for fun cars

we can ever remember.

I mean, supercars,
normally you'd get
one come along.

-How many've we
had? -Oh, loads!

Enzo...

-GT...
-Yeah, Porsche Carrera GT.

And the Ford GT.
And the Koenigsegg.

-Four, five supercars
in one year.
-And the McLaren SLR.

-Aston...
-The DB7 GT. Finally.

-The T350C, as
well... -No, I want
to say, the DB7 GT,

that was the car that the DB7
always should have been,
suddenly arrived

this year, of all of them, in
its last year of production.

-What were you saying?
-The T350C. The TVR.

The TVR. There's another one.

Then all those little ones,
you know?
We got the Streetcar.

And various different Minis.

-The Works, for
instance. And the...
-Z4?

BMW Z4. What a machine!

Yeah, well, you see,
now you've just gone
and spoilt it, haven't you?

Anyway, we have...

We have nailed
this massive list down...
Just such a good year!

...to three. Hardest job ever.
And they are...

The Porsche GT3,
the best version ever

of Porsche's enduring 911.

And it only took them
40 years to get there.

MAY: The Renault Clio
V6: it's a shopping car

with the engine
where the shopping
normally goes,

and that's why we love it.

HAMMOND: And
the Vauxhall VX220 Turbo.

Think of it as an Elise
that runs on Tabasco Sauce,

and you'll see just why
we love it so much.

Now, I think this is actually
the most important award
we're making tonight,

because "fun"
is what we look for
most of all in a car.

We often refer to it
as the X-factor.

It's that thing that makes you
want to get into a car
and go for a drive.

So whichever one wins this
is probably
the car of the year, really.

-Yeah.
-The one we'd most
like to drive.

You're not gonna
believe the answer...

-It's the Vauxhall
VX220 Turbo!

There it is!

This is a car that can pummel
just about anything
in a straight line

and then kick 'em up the pipe
through the corners,
all for £25,000.

I know. It's
fantastic. Just love
it.

I wanna just do this award,
if I may.

It's the Enemy
of the State Award.

The person who's done
the most to harm the cause

of the petrolhead
these past twelve months.

Gentlemen, the nominations.

The Chief Constable
of North Wales,
Richard Brunstrom,

for his resolutely unpopular
anti-motorist stance.

There are no more nominations.

So, the winner is

the Chief Constable
of North Wales!

This is the man who described
speeding motorists
as "criminals".

And then regretted it
shortly afterwards when
one national newspaper

allegedly caught
his daughter speeding.

Actually, this is also
the man who said,

"There is no more
excuse for drifting
over the speed limit

"than there is
for 'drifting' a
knife into someone."

Which... Which...

Which really isn't
true, is it?

It's interesting to note
that in April of this year,

as his war on the
motorist carried on,

his force posted
the lowest clear-up
rate for burglaries

ever on record.

And now to our final
award of the evening,

our Surprise of the Year.

Gentlemen, your nominations,
please.

Well, first of all,
we have the Mazda RX-8.

I think the biggest surprise
is that it didn't win our
overall Car of the Year title,

so maybe it will get
a consolation here.

HAMMOND: And
the Vauxhall Signum.

In particular,
we were surprised that anyone

could be
catatonically stupid enough
to make a people-carrier

that can actually carry
fewer people than the saloon
on which it's based.

And our Surprise
of the Year is...

Very good!

Our Surprise of the
Year is that

neither of our
nominations has won,

because I've found something
even more surprising.

MAY:
We're back in Birmingham.

Jeremy was here earlier,

having a hoedown
with the Crossfire
in StarCity.

But there's so much more
to the place than that.

For years it's been
the butt of everyone's inner-city architecture jokes.

Even Telly Savalas
couldn't make it sound good.

SAVALAS:
Riding the express elevator

to the top
of one of the city's
highest buildings,

this is the view that nearly
took my breath away.

JAMES: But now,

blimey, look at the place!

Overnight, it's become
the Barcelona
of the Black Country.

But even
Birmingham isn't
our Surprise
of the Year.

No.

That'll be a car.

And here it is,
the Jaguar XJ6.

Now, the XJ Jaguar
is a great car.
We already know that.

The surprise here
is that this is the XJ
"light" version.

Now, normally this car
would have a 4.2 litre

thunking great V8
under the bonnet,

but this one's a V6.

Just six cylinders
and three litres.

Bottom of the range.
The cheap one.

Oh, dear.

There's normally
something really tragic about
the bottom of the range,

you know, the 1.6 version.

A little boot badge
that says you're on
the bottom rung.

And you sit there
in a world of velour,

looking at a little
slot on the dashboard

where you know there'd
be a switch if this
was a posh version,

but instead you've got
a little bit of plastic
that just blanks it off.

And you can't help
driving along and thinking,

"If I'd just paid a bit
more attention in school,

"if I'd just worked
a bit harder,

"I'd have air-conditioning."

MAY: But you
don't get that here.

This is not some admission
of middle-management failure.

For a start, XJ6
is actually a revival

of one of
the most pukka boot badges
in Jaguar's history.

And look in here!
Everything the boss has got
in his Jag:

cruise control, CD player,
air-conditioning...

This is all leather,
not the man-made stuff.

The seats are still electric.
The wood is still wood.

So, as a car to be
in and be seen in,

the XJ6 is exactly the same
as any other XJ Jag

except that it's £39,000.
Or, to put it another way,

£12,000 less
than the cheapest V8 model.

And that's bosting, that is.

The only difference
is under the bonnet.

The 4.2 litre V8
gives you 300 horsepower,

while the
3-litre V6 has
just 240.

But for once,
it just doesn't matter.

This car's styling
is rooted in an era

when everything was
made of real wood,
and only cost a penny.

But...

Underneath all that,
you'll find that it's
a really hi-tech car.

It's made almost
entirely of aluminium,

which is very
light, as we know.

It's a third of a ton lighter
than the old XJ model.

And because it's light,
you don't need such
a big engine to make it go.

So, for once, the cheap option

really is an option.

You just have to press
the pedal a little bit harder.

And when you do,

-this V6 engine...

It sings!

But this is the bit
I like best.

Because this is a light car,
and because it's a six,

it doesn't drink petrol.

So this means you can satisfy
your company accountant

without having
to buy a diesel.

That is a real bonus.
None of that having to say,

"Well, of course, it's
terribly good at
the motorway cruise..."

This is a Jaguar,
and a Jaguar belongs
on a back road.

Swooping through trees!
The whole vista
of beautiful England,

relayed into
the comfort of your cabin
in stunning windscreen format.

This car has
that magic X-factor

that we like so
much on Top Gear.

You'd sort of expect it
to be really boring,
but then when you drive it,

you discover
it makes perfect sense.

I mean, here's a Jaguar
that saves you
a shedload of cash,

and in return, all it asks
is that you just press
the pedal a bit harder.

That's it.

Now, that
is a really nice surprise.

So,

we started the series
looking at the BMW 5 Series,

wondering what you should buy
if you find it
a little bit too ugly,

and we end the series
with the answer.

You're dead right.
Businesspersons of Britain,
here it is,

the XJ6.

Right. Now, talk is cheap.

So I think it's a good idea
to meet our guest.

Ladies and gentlemen,
add your hands together

for Carol Vorderman!

Hello.

Hello.

-Have a seat.
-Thank you.

I was just chatting
to the girls.

-You what?
-I was chatting to the girls
about girls' cars.

-You are a bit
of a Jaguar fan, aren't you?
-I love Jags.

I've driven Jags now
for about, ooh,
six years or so?

-But I started
with a
saloon...
-Yeah?

...in the, kind of,
the Jag part of my life,
and that was a bit... I dunno,

it was a bit of a
steady family car.

And then I changed to an XK8.

-Yes.
-With a hard top.

-Yes.
-Which was fantastic.

-Absolutely brilliant.
-Well, you've got an XK...

-R. I've got an XKR.
-...now. Soft top?

Soft top.

-But your past history of cars
has been shocking, actually.

A Nissan 120... Actually...

A Datsun 120Y.

-This is
a knowledgeable audience.
-I didn't have any money. Yes.

-They download
pictures... -Yes, but I
did have it in brown, so
that...

So that the rust patches
wouldn't show too much.

A brown...

And then, of course,
you got a job on Countdown,
and you bought a...

A brand spanking new
shiny Ford Orion.

-You see?

-What kind of supercharger
have you got on your Jaguar?
-Oh, I have, um...

A root supercharger.

See, on my Mercedes,
I have a screw supercharger.

Dr Clarkson, as I believe
I have to address you...

-Yes, I am now a doctor.
-Did you know he was a doctor?

-Did you know that?
-You still can't trust him,

but he is a doctor.

I have been made a doctor,
and I must say, it's really...

-Honorary doctorate.
-It's a doctor.

-Still a doctor.
-From Brunel University.

-It doesn't matter where...
-I have a root supercharger,
you have a screw supercharger.

-Yes. Mine's better.
-Why is yours better?

Because I have
more compression.

I get more compression,
and therefore more power,
out of the supercharger

on my Mercedes
than you do out of...

No, you don't, actually.
Not at full throttle.

Whatever.

Well, I have more power
across more of the range

-with a screw
than you do with a
root. -

You are... Yes.
You're at full pressure
all the time, as we know,

-Jeremy. But, er...

Of course, the XKR,
with the root supercharger,
is much more efficient.

When you're cruising,
you don't want
all of that pressure.

You only use a little
bit of the power.

But what I wanted to ask you
was the difference between
a turbo and a supercharger...

Dr Clarkson.

-Technically.
-They're spelt differently.
That's the first thing.

-Yeah.
-T-U-R-B-O.
And then the other one...

-...is spelt
differently. -Yes. Yes.

-A turbo, exhaust
gases... -Yes.

...go into the turbocharger
and spin it,

-witchcraft happens,
and you go faster.
- Okay.

And I think
what it is important to stress
at this point...

I think everybody's probably
guessed this already...

Everybody just thinks
you just can do
mental arithmetic,

but actually,
you are a proper engineer.

Well, I did...
I read Engineering
at university.

At, er, Cambridge.
And we did a little bit
with the Wankel engine...

-...which, I notice...

I warned you I'd laugh.
Stupid thing to do.

Seriously.
Did you use to laugh
at Cambridge Univ...

Of course! Whenever you say
"Wankel", you've got to laugh,
haven't you?

I just find it...
I mean, it's regrettable now

that because of the BBC
pronunciation unit,

you can't study
"your-anus" any more.

-It's "Uranus", isn't
it? -James does.

Does he, now?

We must tell him
it's against BBC guidelines
to study his a...

No, it doesn't work
that way round, does it?

But don't you think it's...
What interests me
about the engineering...

-Yes.
-In this country,
you can sit next to someone

who turns around and goes,
"I'm an estate agent,"

and you go, "Oh,
really? Tell me more."

Sit next to an
engineer, people run a
mile

-as soon as someone
says, "I'm in
engineering." -It's
true.

Don't you think
that's ridiculous?

I think engineers
are partly guilty
for that themselves.

But it is ridiculous.
Because on the
Continent, as you know,

-in Italy, and France, and...
- Germany.

You're called,
as you would be called here,
Professor Something...

-Or Doctor.
-Doctor Something.
Dr Clarkson.

You would be called
Engineer Clarkson.

Well, you wouldn't,
with your knowledge
of superchargers,

but over there
it would happen.

Do you know
what's just popped
into my head? Adrian Newey,

-who is the...
-Yes, of course,
at McLaren.

The F1 designer.
He gets paid plenty
for designing cars.

-Rightly, too.
-I was at school with him.

We used to...
"Specky Newey's
in the metalwork shop."

-"Where's that gonna get him?"
-All round the world.

Yes, exactly. All round
the world. And he just carries
his wallet in a helicopter.

-You an F1 fan?
-Huge F1 fan.

-Don't you find it
boring? -It was a good
season last season.

It wasn't! It was
dreary. I should've run
it.

-It was a good season!
-It wasn't good.

-It was! It was!
-It wasn't. It wasn't.

-It wasn't.
-Was it good?

- Yes!
-Yes. Thank you.

-It wasn't, was
it? - No!

There, you see?

They just nod, this lot.

"Yes!" "No!" "Whatever!"

It's the drivers that
are a big problem for
me. They're so dreary.

-Some of them are.
-All right, who isn't?

Montoya.
He's lovely.

-I like his wife.
-His wife?

There we are, you see?
That's good enough
reason to like him.

-It is if she drove the car.
-She is fantastic.
Very bright, very beautiful.

-That's what we
should do! -What?

"Formula One,
Wivers"... Wivers?
Drivers.

"Formula One
Drivers' Wives Championship."

-Yes. That's a good
idea. -It is.

You see, I've suddenly...
Bernie, if you're watching,
send a cheque.

-Now, the Liana.

Oh, yes.

I just had
a great day.
I love The Stig.

He was so good.
And he taught me how to do
handbrake turns today.

Well, that's not gonna
make you go fast,

-putting the handbrake
on. -It isn't.

-Had you
never done
one before?
-No!

Did that explain
what happened
on one of your practise laps?

The last one,
I was just pushing it
a little too far.

Who'd like to see
what happened
on one of the practise laps?

Here we go...

CLARKSON: Where are we now?
The Follow-through.

-Oh, a bit wide there...

CLARKSON: Oof!

CAROL: That was my last lap!

-That was quite close.
-Oh, this one's great.

Did you, in fact,
spend any time on the track

-in your practise,
or was it all just...
-Ah, no. That was my last one.

And The Stig had said,
"You brake here,
and you brake hard,"

and I thought, "No,
I'll just go a bit further."

Obviously I should have
listened to The Stig.

I like the spirit.
I do like the

-"The Stig says brake here,
I'll go a little bit further".

-Shall we find
out how you did,
then? -Yes,
okay.

Here we go. Run the lap.

JEREMY: A slightly damp track.
CAROL: Yes.

-And sun in your eyes.
-Yes.

-Wanna use any other excuses?

Ooh, that was
a bit of a slide.

That's looking pretty tidy.

Here we come
into the Hammerhead.

You've kept it on the island,
yes, beautifully.

Bit wide there,
but other than that was fine.

Fastest corner, that's where
you had your problem,

but no problem
on your quick...
La, ooh, close!

Bit close!

This is threading a needle
at 85 mph.

-It's not easy.
-Right.

And into Gambon.

-And across the line!

That was...

That was pretty spectacular.

-Was it?
-I mean, that's what is called
"using all the track".

- Vor... der...

-...man...
-Vorderman-a-man-a-man.

And you wanna do better
than Whiteley, obviously.

Well, obviously, yes.

-What do we call the track?
It wasn't "wet"...
-MAN: Moist!

Moist.

How about that?
"Mildly moist."

"Damp"?

No, I'm sticking with
"mildly moist".
That's what I'm going for.

-"Mildly moist".
-So how many seconds extra
does that give me, then?

You did it in one minute...

Yeah?

-Fifty...
-Yeah?

Now bear in mind,
that's the fastest ever

damp lap,
1:54.

Yeah.

One minute, fifty-...

-...one, point
two. -

You go...

-There.

That is the fastest ever
wet lap of our track.

Awww, that's good,
then, isn't it?

How come I'm the only
one who's got a point
after the seconds?

We've decided to
start doing points,

'cause everyone had started
getting 1:50.
So, last...

Er, Cowell, when he came on,
was a 1:47.1.
That's what we're doing now.

-So we're doing points.
-So I was nearly
as fast as you, then.

-Yes, but you had a damp...
- Yeah.

...bit.
Whereas I did it in the dry.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Carol Vorderman!

-It was great.
-Thank you.

Now...

Now, we do... We do
have a bit of a problem,

because that interview
turned out to be a bit more
lavish than we expected,

and we are now
completely broke.

I mean, seriously, that's it.
Every last penny is gone.
We have zero money left.

We've gotta do some more film,
go out and do some more cars
and stuff...

-We can't do it.
-I think we probably
can. I've had a plan.

There is nothing
in the BBC guidelines
that says we can't sell

bits of the set
to the audience.

-So you're
proposing... -Yep.

-We sell the set
to pay for making films?
-Yes. It's called ingenuity.

How much,
ladies and gentlemen,

-am I bid
for this
calendar... -Good
idea!

"Roundabouts
of Milton Keynes".

-Who wants to start
the bidding?
-Bucket for the money.

-How much?
-Tenner!

-Good grief!
-£10 straight away!

-£10...
-That's not gonna get much.

-Any advance on £10
for this?
- Nine pounds!

£9 is going
backwards. You see?

-Jeremy, explain the theory.
-The idea is that we
sell it to the...

- Highest bidder.
-You need to bid more.

At £10, I'm gonna sell it
once... twice...
I'm selling it three times.

-You've gotta give us
the money, though.
-To the madman in the jumper!

-Richard, if you could
give him that?
-There you go, sir. Well done.

-C'mon, I want your money
in here.
-Oh, here's a good one.

Here's a good one. We've got
an astonishing number

of emails every week
from people who adore him.

-What?

Honestly, sheaf after sheaf.
So we can auction
a night out with you.

Oh...

No, that's a bad idea!

I'm awful company.
I smell a bit bad...

No, this is...
Can I give you an example
of the kind of email we get?

And there are
thousands of them.

"I think that Richard Hammond
is gorgeous.

-"Can we see more of
him and not the other
two?" -Nice!

"Any chance of a signed photo?
Love, Stuart."

I'm a modern man, you know.

-I'm comfortable with that.
-Actually, rubbish,
you're right. Let's not.

-Nah. I'm nobody's...
-Where's that Mini gone?

-Oh, that's
round by my
computer. -Oh,
yeah.

-This is very good.
-Who'll give us
a quid for this?

We modified that.

It's our hate thing in
the office. If you get
really cross, you can hit it.

-Give us £1
and we can do some
telly. -A quid?

You'll give us £1?
Thank you very much.

-How're we doing?
-Give us £1. Now, I reckon,
I reckon...

I've got about enough there
to get started.

I think we can get some fuel.
So, erm, I'll take that

and get going.
You carry on auctioning,
and I'll make a start.

Okay, fine. The next bid,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's a Sony digibeta
broadcast-quality
camera with...

-No, you don't get
the cameraman,
sadly. -Three quid!

It has a 5... No,
a 4.9 millimetre
lens, I believe.

How much am I bid for this?
£120,000?

HAMMOND: There's lean times
coming in Hot Hatch-ville.

The Focus RS
has been killed off,

and the Golf R32
is not long for this world.

And as for
the Alpha 147 GTA...

Well, that's not dead,
but it's as mad as a badger.

And that doesn't leave
much of a hot hatch choice.

There's the Seat
Leon... Cupra... R...
Leon... Cupra thing,

and there's this.

The Honda Civic Type R.

It's always been a bit
of an old-school
hooligan, the Civic Type
R.

If it were in a porn film

it would play the stable lad

or the plumber,
rather than the smooth
international businessman.

This 197 brake horsepower
just loves to be abused.

Get past 6,000 RPM
and...

It goes berserk!

You can't be too cruel to it!
It just laps it up.

I mean, look at this layout.
The gear lever is right next
to the steering wheel.

It's like being in
a touring car.

Oh!

You can just put it
where you want it.

And it looks the
part. Nice and
unsubtle,

as a hot hatch should be.

This is actually the new,
improved version,

on sale now for £16,000.

It's got even more
in-your-face cosmetic tweaks.

And while they're about it
they've also sharpened up the steering and the handling.

It is superb,

and pound for pound,
even if there wasn't
a hot hatch famine right now,

it'd be head and shoulders
above the rest.

Now, I'm told, good news:

we've got a little bit
more money, which is good.
Means we can carry on filming

and show you this.

It's the Civic's
reclusive uncle,
the Honda NSX.

But this is the latest
and most special version,

the no-nonsense, full-fat
Type R.

The NSX has been around
for 13 years now,

but you probably
wouldn't know that, because
hardly anybody's bought one.

The original NSX
was always billed

as the user-friendly supercar.

This version, though,
is totally hardcore.

Just like the BMW M3
CSL that Jeremy drove
on the Isle of Man,

this has been stripped,
with religious fervour,
of any excess weight.

So, the bonnet, carbon fibre.
As is the boot
and the spoiler.

And the glass partition
dividing the engine
and passenger compartments

is made of thinner,
lighter glass.

Then there's the seats.
They're lightweight, too,
with more carbon fibre.

And there's this,
the gaiter at the base
of the gear lever.

Usually leather,
it's been replaced
with fine mesh

to save 10 grams.

I could've done
that wearing a
thinner pair of
socks.

Under the skin,
the brakes are stronger,

the suspension sharper,

and the engine
race-tuned to give around
300 brake horsepower.

And they've tweaked
the aerodynamics
to make it even more stable.

In fact, they've got
a bit nerdish about it.

You can even retract,
with this button,

the radio aerial.
To half height.

Because that, apparently,
will improve the aerodynamics.

Ah, come on!

The results,
it has to be said,
are amazing.

It handles beautifully,

and grips like nothing else.

But is it enough
to make people sit up
and take notice?

Sadly, no.

Let me explain why.

It's this. When people start
messing with the shape
of the gearknob,

and then giving it
a light mesh gaiter,

that's when you know
they're just fiddling.

This isn't a car
any more. It's just
an engineer's plaything.

And it costs 70 grand.

And no one's gonna pay that
for a Honda.

The thing is,
no matter how hard it tried,

it was never a Ferrari.

So it's really time
this car shuffled off

to the Renault Alpine
Rest Home

For Retired
Pleasant Supercars.

And Honda? Move on.

Build something else.

Step away from the NSX.

-I saw an NSX the other day.
-No!

-It's not a big seller, is it?
-Er, no.

Put it this way.
They had a bumper year
last year, and they sold

twenty-three.

Twenty-three. In a good year.

Thing was, though, that
this one was coming down
the inside lane of the A40.

I was pulling out.
It moved over to let me out,

and then the driver
suddenly decided

he wanted to turn off.

He just swiped...
I've never seen a car go
so close to the front of mine.

It was...
So I thought,
"I'll pull alongside,

-"and I'll express
my..." -Displeasure?

-As you do.
-Displeasure's a good word...
With the driver of the NSX.

Who should it be?
Rowan Atkinson.

-Mr Bean!
-Did he...

-Cut you up in a
funny, amusing way, or
just... -No, what
he did,

what he did
was that man thing.

Okay, as I went
alongside, he was driving
with that kind of...

Invisible blinkers on.
"I cannot see
this enormous Mercedes here,

"and a man
waving furiously at me,

"and I'll just hope
for a corner to come up..."
and then, you see,

he's gone!
And I can't even hear
his horn any more.

I know that exact
one. But we can't
talk for too long.

If we do,
they'll start fiddling
with the thing again.

So let's get it out
on the track.
Banzai,Stig!

And away he goes. Now, it is very wet out there.

You can see the NSX
squirming and slithering down
towards the first corner.

-It's sideways already!
-Very sideways.

Ah, lovely. Stig gee-ing
himself along with the sound
of the Ragu Pasta advert.

And getting very out of shape
as he exits Chicago.

Down towards
the Hammerhead now.

Will it understeer
there? Oh, my Lord, no!
That's oversteer!

In the dry, this car
is pretty much unstickable,
but it looks like

an absolute nightmare
in the wet.

How's it gonna cope with the Follow-through... Oh!

Very fast. Very brave, Stig.

Over the first half, the NSX
was about level with
the 911 Turbo's wet time.

It's still twitchy there.
Tight into Gambon... Oh!

And across the line in...

-Are we ready?
It was very wet.
-We are.

One minute
thirty-one point
six,

-which isn't
bad. -Point...

-In the wet.
-But that's only
half a second slower

than a 911 Turbo.
And that has
four-wheel drive, and...

All that stuff. That's not...
That's not bad at all.

But let me just
point out one thing.

Lightened, faster track
version of a rear-wheel drive
powerful car, very good.

A bit like that
one. the 911 GT.

-I mean,
look at the
difference. -Four
seconds.

That's when we
realise how good it
is.

-That's why we love
the 911 GT3 so
much. -Absolutely.

Phenomenal thing.

Now, we do have
one more award to hand out.

It is the award
for the Fastest
Celebrity Round Our
Track

award.

They've been a mixed
bunch this year, really.

Rory Bremner!

Go! Go! Go!

A muscle car needs a big unit.

Rich Hall!

I'm the king of third gear.

I was slowed down
by the child safety lock.

Stephen Fry!

It's accelerate after this...

-Look at him.
Doesn't he look a
dick? -

Really.

Oops.

Ooh.

I'd like you to put

something like
"slightly moist".

Martin Kemp!

What?

Very good! That's the furthest

anybody's been from the track.

Rob Brydon!

All around,
a very nice ride.

Shh, there, babies.

One minute 48 seconds.

Ha-ha!

Sanjeev Bhaskar!

-The tissue box
look... -

Really wish my mum
hadn't taught me to drive.

JEREMY: Oh, yes!

It was wet out there.
There was an albatross

that flew in front
of the windscreen...

Johnny Vegas!

For you, Jeremy!

They gimme a duff car!

You beat Harry Enfield

and Richard Whitely
and they've both got
driving licences!

Simon Cowell!

CLARKSON: I really was looking
forward to taking you apart.

Yes!

I wasn't even trying.

Okay, now...

We've been terrified
these last few weeks

that Jodie Kidd
would still be the top

of the leaderboard,

and she'd have to come
and get another award,
we wouldn't have money

for flowers, or chocolates,
or in James' case,

-even personal
hygiene. -Disaster.

However, our bacon was saved
just a few weeks ago

when Simon Cowell
came on the
programme as a
guest

and blitzed the track record.
1:47.1.

Absolutely fabulous.

The great thing is
that we said to him,

"Want to go out
with The Stig in a Noble?"

And we
thought,
"Great.

"We'll frighten
the living
daylights out of
him."

And this is what happened.

352 brake horsepower,

0-60 in 3.7 seconds...

This is a seriously fast car.
And The Stig

is going right to the limits.
And look!

He's just not bothered!

Right through Chicago,
right to the edge...

Okay, so we thought,
"Right, we'll give
him the Hammerhead.

"We'll get
a really good run-up here..."

Up to about 125...

Last corner.

Nothing!

He is...

A cool customer,
and very deserving
of the Top GearAward

as the Fastest Celebrity
of the Year.
We can join him now.

I'd like to say that I'm sorry

about not being
able to accept
this award
personally,

but I'd be lying.
I'm actually on a
beach in Barbados.

As for the award itself,
having been given it,

I'm delighted not to be able
to accept it personally,

because this is,
without question,

the most pathetic award
I've ever seen in my life.

What does it mean
to me, though?

I beat a girl. I beat
JK. That means a lot.

And I also beat
Jeremy Clarkson.

And that means
an awful lot to me.

Um...

As a passing thought, Jeremy,
I have heard
Desert Island Discs...

And you have the
audacity to criticise
my taste in music?

Hopefully I'll be seeing you
again next year.

I'd like to do it again
next year.
It's been a lot of fun.

Happy Christmas.
Happy New Year. Goodbye.

Now...

If he'd been nice,

we'd have wrapped the show up
here and now.

But he wasn't.

So, who'd like to
see what happened

when we put him
in the driver's
seat of the Noble?

-Oh, yes.
-Play the tape.

JEREMY: Right.
This is the Follow-through.

Cowell driving,
as you can see.

Coming to the fastest corner
on the track,

115 miles an hour, and...

Oh, dearie me!

That is compl...

Absolutely,

-totally incompetent
man. -Rubbish.

-And I think we've made it.
-I think so.

-We've made a show for 47p.
-Yep.

We've finished it. So, James,
play us out, please.

- -There we go.

Next year, we'll be
road-testing lots of new cars,

providing, of course,
we get a big bag of money.

In the meantime,
enjoy the rest
of your holidays

and have a very,
very happy New
Year. Good night.