Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Generation Battle - Mercedes SL vs. Mercedes SL - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show,
I drive the latest Audi TT.

Richard lives it up
in a private jet.

And James tries
an insane Aston Martin.

Hello, and welcome to
another one of Top Gear's
crummy charts.

We've come up with this one
to kind of show you
the definitive history

of car design.

Uh, we started in the '40s
and '50s when all cars looked
exactly the same.

Uh, then we went through
the '60s, GT40, Miura, E-type.

Ford Mustang.
Then it was downhill really

all the way through
the '70s, '80s and '90s,

to where we are now
with the Hyundai
and whatever that is.



So really,
the zenith of car design
was about 1966,

and that's a problem.

Because you can't really
buy a car
from that period today...

-I mean, look,
we've got an MG here.

And this is an Alpha Spider.

Um, there is however one car
from the mid-'60s which has

quite literally stood up
to the test of time.

That. It's a Mercedes SL.

And it causes me
serious problems every time

I drive through
South West London.

Let me show you what I mean.

CLARKSON: This is
the Wandsworth one-way system.

You may have heard about it
on the traffic reports,

they talk about it
most nights.



But it's not the jams
that keep me away.

It's that place.

I always

find myself sitting
in my Euro box looking
at all those classics

and thinking,
"Ooh, I got to
have one of those.

"And then I'd be interesting
and people would like me."

Ooh, look at that! Look...

Of course, I'm not daft.
I know it would be stupid

and ruinously expensive
to buy most of
the stuff in here.

But they always have a couple
of old SL's in the window

and the force is strong
with that one.

That's why am taking this 280

for a test drive.

I hope I hate it.

I hope it over heats.
I hope it melts.

I hope we really don't get on
and it gives me
an ear infection.

And then I can get rid of this
silly stupid pipe dream about
buying one.

To find out what it's like
I headed to the most

prosperous part of Britain,
the little river side towns

that nestle in the foothills
of the Chiltons.

This would have been
the natural habitat
for the old SL.

So let's see if it can
still cut it.

You can buy a good one today
for £25-30,000.

And a bad one
for 10,000 or so.

If you do end up
with a bad one,
it's not the end of the world,

because Mercedes amazingly
still keep all the spare parts
for these old SL's.

You could actually
rebuild the whole engine
for £4,000.

And remember this is
from a time when Mercedes was

still building
its cars properly.

The paint alone
on this weighs 20 kilograms.

And actually, there isn't that
much to go wrong.
I've got um,

um,

I've got a heater.

And um,

a cigarette lighter and, um...

And that's about it.

So, annoyingly it doesn't cost
much more to buy
than a Ford Mondeo.

And it shouldn't be any harder
to run than a vacuum cleaner.

Damn.

There's more bad news
as well I'm afraid,

because it's not
completely horrible to drive.

Doesn't shake your spleen off
its mountings
every time you go over a bump.

It's got power steering.
It's got an
automatic gear box.

And on the motorway
coming down here,

I hit 65.

How about that?

65.

The 2.8 litre engine develops
170 brake horsepower

but most of that is used to
cart the paint around.

There's none left over
for the car.

And things
really aren't helped

by the kick down
which is a switch,

and I do mean a switch
that simply turns
the noise up.

Ready?

More noise, no real change
in the speed though.

Nothing.

Still doing 41.

41.

41. 42!

Even in the '60s,
this wasn't a sports car

and it certainly isn't now.

But that doesn't stop me
wanting one.

Look at the people who drive
old SL's today.

Kate Moss,
Martine McCutcheon,
Colin Powell,

Michael Weiner,
the Dimbleby brothers.

They're not bothered about
power or burning rubber.

They just want
something reliable,

something charismatic,
something
a little bit elegant.

And I absolutely
understand that.

Not even a lack of speed
has put me off this thing.

I am forever judging a car
on how it goes,

how it handles,
how it rides...

But that's not the point
with this.

The point is
how it makes you feel.

I thought it would be
too dainty for me.

I thought I would look like
a bear in a push chair but...

I like it.

And I look at everybody else
going around in their
air-conditioned Euro boxes

and I just feel...

Better off.

We've come a very long way
in the last 35 years.

I mean the modern Mercedes SL
has air conditioned seats

and radar guided
cruise control,

and a top speed
of a couple of
hundred miles an hour.

All the stuff you really need.

But in terms of style,

which you can enjoy every time
you pop down to the shops
for a pint of milk...

I think we are
going backwards.

-You like old cars, don't you?
-I do.

So you must have a nightmare
going round
that one way system.

Ah, except I don't go
that way, you see,
I take a big 50 mile detour

right around London
just in case...

But what if you're in a cab?

-Then what?
-Well, I have to concentrate
very hard

on the advert on the back
of the driver's seat
or something.

If I look out of the window
and there's a Rolls-Royce,
I've had it.

-Stop. Yes.
-And you're in there, poof!

-Bought. Ruined.
-See I actually thought

that if I went for test drive
in one of these,
it would like, cure me.

I thought it would be
sort of horrid to drive it
but it isn't.

I think you could drive
one of these every day,
no problem.

-People do.
-I know.

It is basically a very, very
cool car.

Okay, the news for this week.
And can we start, please,
with a Top Gear apology.

If you missed the program
last week

because the BBC in its wisdom
decided to move us

from 8:00
to starting at 7:00.

-If it's any,
if it's any consolation,

-we missed it as well.

He's not joking.
I got home,
flicked on the television

-just in time to hear myself
saying goodnight.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

-It's a strange feeling.
-We didn't know.

We didn't know
they were gonna move us.

And the problem is,

the reason they're doing this,
they hate us.

-They do.
-The BBC hates this show.

-They don't like us.
-We're too car-ry.

-Yeah.
-Too car-ry.

So, I think
we got to shape up.

I thing we really, we need to
get ourselves back in
the BBC's good books.

I think we're gonna
rename this place,
"The Nelson Mandela studio."

And we're gonna put some
speed bumps on our track.

Bus lane will be nice.

-I'll just get me clips...
-And, a cycle lane.

Because I was just saying
to, uh, Darcus Howe
the other day,

at the lesbian, uh,
whole food collective.

I know it well.
Is there where the pipe
the whale music?

That's the one.
We were trying to raise money
for Bosnian battered wives.

-Yeah.
-And um,

you know, I was saying,
"We really aren't
gonna shape up."

You know, I mean look,
he's got the slippers.

I mean sandals.
He's got the Guardian...
We're in good shape, I think.

Maybe we'll get
our slot back now.

Um...

Not much going on
in the world of cars
at the moment,

'cause obviously
we're heading toward Christmas

but there are one or two
new ones we ought to
bring you up to speed with.

Uh, Peugeot have announced
that they're gonna do
a new, uh,

407 to replace the 406.
We've got a picture
of it here.

It's a bit sort of...

It is very like that,
however I will just say,

it's got double
wishbone suspension

front and back
like a Ferrari
and a Formula 1 car,

so it should be
very nice to drive.

There's a new Volvo,
the V50 Estate.

It's a sort of
smaller Volvo Estate.

It's £17-25,000,
as in March.

Cheaper than a three series
BMW Estate and you can have
four wheel drive.

-Good.
-Tell you
car I'm looking forward to...

We all know the Hyundai Coupe.
It's a car we like a lot.
About 14 and a half grand,

very stylish.
They're going to making this

-Cabriolet version of it...
-JAMES MAY: Mmm.

If it's anything like as good
as the Coupe

looking like that, superb.
Only problem is,
not gonna be out till 2007.

-I know...
-How hard can it be
to take a roof off?

How can it take four years
to saw a roof off?

You could take it off
with an angle grinder
I'm sure,

but there's a bit more to it
than that.

BMW have been much faster
than that actually because,

uh, we haven't even got
the new 6 series Coupe

already they've announced
there's a convertible version
of it.

Fifty five thousand pounds,
it's gonna cost.

Looks very nice
apart from the back-end
which is hideous.

So, word of advice,

if you take it to
a friend's house,

always reverse away.

Then they won't see the back.

Can I talk about, um,
slightly more
unusual cars now?

We've been continuing
our quest for
unusual exhausts.

And we've got one here
which I particularly like.

-Now that's been...
That's a Mustang...

But he's fitted those off
a truck, I would guess.

No, I think it could be
a submarine
and their periscopes.

Yeah? Either way,
it's unusual.
But you can understand,

you know, a Mustang,
that's the kind of car
you're gonna customise.

This next one is a bit more
of a puzzler.

CLARKSON:
Now, you see, I think...

-I think
that's a jet engine...
-Yeah.

And that kinda raises
a couple of questions,
doesn't it?

'Cause if you get
a jet engine,

there's a lot
of questions and forms

-you gotta fill in
with the MOD.
-Hmm.

And then if you decide
to put your jet on a car,

you're gonna choose
something cool,
aren't you, really?

You're gonna pick a...

-Who would've thought
they'd put in a Princess?

HAMMOND: If it was me,
I'd rather have just fitted

a saddle and reins
to the jet engine

and fired that off
down the road,
it'd be a better option.

-That's rubbish.
-It is rubbish.

Can I finally look at,
before we move back
to more sensible stuff,

um, I'm not going to even
try and explain
this next car...

Here it is!

What's... He's ironed
his Volvo Estate,
but I don't know why.

Right, but we love things
like this and we'd like to you
to send us more,

and I have been asked
to remind you
about the website.

So, there we are, the website.

...dot website.

Okay, uh... Christmas.

We've been getting
one or two cards actually,

surprisingly, I just wanna
show you this one.

Absolute peach. Perfect card.

Okay, it's to Jeremy,
Richard and James.

-From Jack Griffiths.
-That's lovely. Nice.

Okay, lovely.
He's got the idea.

Unfortunately, the car firms,

no clue at all when it comes
to Christmas cards,
no clue at all.

They've got it
into their heads

that God sent his only son,
the baby Jesus,

among us and it was some kind
of marketing opportunity.

CLARKSON: No, really.
I'm not joking.
HAMMOND: That's not good.

For example, Rudolph,
the red-nosed Corsa.

-It's not about that,
is it?

I'll give you one, okay.
There is no evidence, at all,

in either testament,

that the three wise men
arrived in Bethlehem

in a Honda Civic.

And they did not bring gifts
of gold, frankincense
and a Honda Fireblade either.

They've all been doing it.
Here's another one.

This is TVR.
They just sent us a picture

of their dashboard.

Not only that.
It's clearly gone wrong.

-It says, "Merry Christmas."

It's probably supposed to say,
"Low oil pressure, emergency,
stop."

-So... It's rubbish.

Peugeot, you remember
the 307 Coupe Cabriolet,
the 307 CC.

So, this is the Peugeot 307
Christmas card.

CLARKSON: Yeah, very good.
Very droll.

And what they're actually
trying to tell us here,
very subtly,

-is that it takes
all year to get...

It's a long job.

Not all car firms
have got it wrong though.

We have this card,
from Skoda.

Now they had
all the opportunity
in the world for a...

"Have a Superb Christmas
and a Fabia New Year."
But they resisted it.

-It says Skoda
on there somewhere.
-It doesn't.

Honestly, I've had infrared,
I've done that with it,

I've done one of those,
"Is it a 3D thing?"

There's nothing.
It doesn't say Skoda.

If you open it up it,
they've said,
"Merry Christmas."

None of that mincing,
PC rubbish about

"winterville" or
"season's greetings".

"Christmas," yeah.
They've mentioned the C word.

Hand written,
and the money doesn't go
to a printer in Slough.

Goes to charity.

-Well, that's fantastic.
-So, a round of applause
for Skoda.

Skoda!

Right, earlier on,

we saw Jeremy driving
that 1960s Mercedes SL.

And that had, if I remember,
a heater and a lighter.

Well, even small,
cheap cars, nowadays,
can do better than that.

Let's talk about
value for money.

This is the new Nissan Micra.

It costs nine grand.

And that is a plane.
So it costs 38 million.

It's got the steps and a door
like any other plane.

HAMMOND: But there,
the similarities end.

It's a Boeing 737.

Usually full of a hundred
or so, sweaty people,
all sharing the same toilet.

This though,
is one you can have
all to yourself.

It's a Boeing BBJ2, 737.
The ultimate private jet.

Built to carry, perhaps,
just one, quite incredibly
important person.

At a cruising speed
of 540 miles an hour.

Now, as I said,
you can own one
for 38 million quid.

Or you can hire one,
for £9,000...

An hour.

So,
two very different ways
of spending nine grand.

Let's see what happens.

For this kinda money,
you would expect gadgets.
And you get them.

Loads of them. For instance,

there are cameras,
at the front, in the middle
and at the back.

And you can move them around
and look at stuff.

Either when you're up
in the air or even when
you're on the ground.

It's a good get.

Look, there's me. In me Micra.

Now, call me intuitive,

but I suspect that the plane
probably won't be great value
for money at that price.

But what about the new Micra?

HAMMOND: We're used to getting
all the clever toys and gizmos
on big cars,

but just look at what you get
as standard on the new Micra,
a small car.

We've got keyless entry
and keyless go.

In fact, the key is down here.
Don't need it. Spare...

To get in
or to drive the thing.

Until recently,
you only got that
on something like,

Mercedes S-Class.

I've got rain sensing
wind screen wipers.

Again, big German
executive territory.

CD player, climate control.

Electric windows everywhere.

You can have four airbags.

All are standard on the Micra,
for nine grand.

The interesting thing is
that the original Micra,

when it was launched in 1983,
cost the equivalent of £9,000
in today's money.

So the same price.
But what did you get?

Four wheels, couple of seats,
couple of doors.

I mean, basically,
it was slightly better
than walking

and it kept you dry.

That was it.

So, the nine grand car
of today,

brings a lot more to the party
than the nine grand car
of 20 years ago.

Well... That's take off.

Nine grand an hour
and the clock's ticking.

I'm not going to waste it
reading the paper.

Now, I could watch
a movie on any one
of the plasma screens

but I can't think of one
that lasts less than an hour.

So instead, let me tell you
something from the brochure.

It's about choosing the spec
of the interior of your BBJ2.

And it says that
some customers might prefer

to have a more
functional layout
to the interior.

And that can be done,
apparently for as little as
five million pounds.

It's going to be a real
student bedsit at that though
isn't it? Rough!

Do you know, everyone goes on
about German build quality

and sure it is
very, very good.

But spend a bit of time
with this
and you get a reminder

of what Japanese build quality
has become about.

And it's this...

Where the Germans
would, perhaps, build it
from girders,

the Japanese, in the Micra,
the build quality is enough.

And I mean,
absolutely, precisely
and completely enough.

You don't want any more
but there's nothing wasted.

And best of all,

the Micra is now
built in a factory

that enjoys
a worldwide reputation
for absolute efficiency.

And it's in Sunderland...
In Britain.

Three grand that was.

Thank you.

That's good. That's very good.

We've talked about
value for money
and the Micra gives a lot.

But that's not
the whole story,

there's the other
side of it...

Personality.

And that comes largely
from the looks.

Which are, frankly,
a bit risky.

Twenty years ago,
this kind of smooth ride,

would have been
Limo territory.

And if you'd said
a 1.2 litre engine

could give you
all the zip you'd ever need,

you'd have dismissed it
as witchcraft.

But as a package,
the kick you get,
the personality of the thing,

it's the super mini for us.

It's a great combination.

And a great way
to spend nine grand.

And I'd certainly rather be
spending that nine grand
on a small car today,

than 20 years ago,
when all you got was
four wheels and some seats.

As for the plane,
in my £9,000 hour,

I only managed to fly
from Farmborough to Leeds.

Which is hardly
one of the world's
great journeys.

And as for the cost
of going further,
if you have to ask,

you can't afford it.

You know you can watch
a landing now from,
like a commercial jet.

-It's not just private jet.
-What on, on a camera?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, they have a camera
on the nose wheel,

-as it's coming into land.
-Yeah.

Have you seen that on planes?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-Yes? Right.

How much fun would it be
for a captain to put
a video in?

And then have two JCBs
on the tarmac?

- Yeah!
-Just open the cabin door,
put them in...

I've gotta listen to this.

No!

Or one where the undercarriage
comes down

and then both wheels go...

Aah!

The wheels have fallen off it!

-Anyway, anyway...
Your film, well done!
-Yes. Thank you.

You've managed
to conclude that

a Nissan Micra offers
better value for money
than a private jet.

-Well done, Richard.
That was, that was very good.
-Yeah.

When you boil it down,
you're right.

It's also better value
than a Toyota Yaris.

Yes, but a Toyota Yaris
is a better car.

Again, I fear,
you're right there, Jeremy.
This is true.

Actually, it gets worse
as well,
because since I did that

I've done a bit
of delving around
on the internet,

and I found a website
of people who own Micras,
the new one.

And it turns out,
that there's been
a few problems with...

Reliability and,
uh, build quality.

-The one thing you said
was very good?
-Yeah, that's kind of...

-Kind of the way...
-Okay, fair enough.

So, in other words,
the adverts they run for this,

do you remember
that "Speak Micra"
thing they did,

where they combined
two words they got

-simple and technology
for simpology.
-Yeah.

-And, luxurious and affordable
for luxurable.
Do you remember that?

Yeah, they take the first bit
of the first word
and second... Yeah...

And it turns out
to have been shiny and bright
all along which...

Okay, time now to meet
our guest this week.

He started out in life
training to be a monk

but then decided,
he preferred being drunk.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Vegas.

-How are you, Johnny?
-I'm good, I'm good.

Good to see you.

Have a seat.

Did you really
want to be a monk?

No, I wanted to be a priest.

But I had, I had urges.

Then I thought...

Best not suppress them.

You know,
best live a full life.

-Yeah.
-So, yeah, I got into women.

Left the priesthood,
spent seven years
without a woman, just...

Considered going back
to God.

Uh, God wasn't up for us.

He'd only got the call,
"Guess what,
I'm ready to come back."

"Well, we've got
quite a tight booking here."

We're delighted
God didn't want you back.

Richard Whiteley is
especially delighted.

Because, um,
you're the first person ever
to come here

and try your hand
in our reasonably priced car,

without the benefit
of a driving licence.

How can you have got
to this stage in life...

Without a car?

-I mean, you haven't
passed your test.
-It takes a...

A special amount of laziness.

And getting into a job
where other people
will drive ya.

I didn't get into comedy
for the love of it.

I got into it 'cause
people will pick you up...

Drive you to places,
you get drunk
and they drive you home again.

Um, you have tried
to take your test?

So far as I'm...
I mean, and failed?

I tried to take me test,
I took me
theory test recently.

-And you failed?
-And that's a lot...

Yeah, but I had
a load of excuses to get
out of the way of that...

Well, come on, man, why?

-Don't cut in my part...
-I want to know
why you failed your test.

I failed me test because
there's no good reason
to take a theory test.

Because they've got this

hazard awareness.

Who's took the test
where you had
to do hazard awareness?

No, lucky are you,
you smug bunch...

'Cause it's hazard awareness,

where they go out, in the car,

these are people who are meant
to be teaching you
to drive safely.

And they strap a camera
on a car
and drive dangerously,

so that us can learn
from their mistakes.

And they drive around looking,
you're meant to spot
potential hazards.

And if you can't drive
everything's a...

-Potential hazard, ain't it?

The only way...
And I... But...

If you click on too many
potential hazards, you fail.

Because you're there,
you're just clicking the mouse
for something to do.

-So it's like... "Oh! A tree!
Oh! A..."
-So, everything's a hazard.

But the theory test,
that's the easiest...

No, it's not. Because you
walk along and you see a bloke
and you go...

You're doing the test
and you're going,

"That looks like me dad
in the arms of another woman."

Now, that's a hazard.

-That would be a hazard.
-It's not a potential hazard
to other people,

but suddenly I'm thinking
of me mum's happiness.

-I'm clicking it like mad.

I'm in the middle of
me driving test,

thinking me dad's
having an affair.

How am I meant to notice
an articulated lorry pulling
out in front of me, man?

Well, that's one
kind of hazard
but this is more destructive

'cause this affects
loads of people.

Not a lorry, you know,
maybe I die.

And the supermarket
doesn't get its milk on time.

I don't consider that
a frightful thing.

The world won't have me,
but it'll still get its milk.

It just won't keep
for a day longer
in the fridge.

My dad's cheating
on my mum,

in this video
and they don't take any
of that into affect.

Falling trees.
I'm a God fearing man.

I believe in lightning.

If I...

Yes, go on.
You believe in lightning?

If you masturbated
before your test,

and you've had
a particular fantasy

that isn't in keeping
with God's ways...

And then you see a tree
on a potential hazards test,
you thinking,

"Lightning, tree, me."

I shouldn't slack it off
because I failed it, but...

Who knows where
the coloured cats eyes
go on the road?

Where then? Come on,
all right, where?

Where do
the coloured cats eyes
go on a motorway?

-Yeah.
-Where do the green ones go?

AUDIENCE: Exit.

Exit. What's on
the right hand side
as you're going along?

WOMAN: Amber.

There you are.
You see, they know.

Yeah, but considering
you're not allowed to
drive on a motorway,

till you pass your test.

That's a fair point.

Who's ever...
Who's ever read up on that?

What're you going...
What are you going to get,
do you think, if you...

If... When you pass
your driving test?

I wanted a people carrier,

but you've slated it so much
on the show...

Oh, people carriers
are for people
who've given up.

Look at me!

What point was that?

I've gone beyond giving up.
I've, I've...

I've reversed
man's development.

Fifty million years from now,
200 million years,

they'll dig me up and go,
"Oh, this is how they ended up
back in the sea!"

Anyway, I sense... I sense now

everybody wants to know
how you got on, on the track.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Well, first of all...

We always let the guests
have a bit of
a practice, yeah?

Who'd like to see
some of Johnny's practices?

ALL: Yeah!

Okay, let's have a look
at these.

Here we come,
that's the fastest part
of the track into a...

ALL: Oh!

CLARKSON: Yes, yes! Very good!

And kept going!

Now, I'm told by the guys
out there, this is 'cause
you couldn't find reverse.

No...yeah but...

And still going.

I could just hear the engine.

That was the wrong...

I made The Stig grab me leg.

-How was he?
-He panicked for his own life.

Welcome to my world!

Now, what interested me...
Well, two things really.
First of all...

Unbelievable speed!

I mean, we all know,
that was quick
going into that corner.

So, you're obviously not
a frightened man
behind the wheel?

Stupid, but...

I was trying to be
polite there and secondly...

Is it... The camera guys
were saying,
"He couldn't find reverse."

No, I found reverse twice,

and then The Stig, uh,
The Stig kept doing this
and going...

"Johnny, you've...
You notice that smell?"

Can you re... Can you smell
me now?

"Or the gear box?"

I reek of it. He kept going,
"Don't do this."
And then he went,

"Don't put it in reverse,
or you'll just kill it.

"Because that's why smoke
keeps coming up
in front of your eyes."

-And that was his last words.
-So, that was the driving
around on the grass?

Driving around on the grass
to bring it back,

I'm sure they wanted me
to keep it on
the road bit, but...

The Dukes of Hazzard
was in me head.

I was Daisy Duke and
I was insuring my legs
for a million.

I was just...

And always getting in
through the window,
that was the great one.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Why don't you open the door?

'Cause that could be...
That'd be a New Year's
Eve special. That would've...

"And we're back to Johnny
getting in through
the window."

I can just...

If somebody will give me
a little bit of a kick,
I'm sure I can get in.

Anyway, you had
your practices,

and then you were ready
to do your timed lap.

Now where do you think
on our board...

Do you think...

-You're going to...
-I bet... You know when
you have a trail...

If... If that was carpet
and it came off,

and there was this step
down there somewhere...

So you really do think that
Richard Whiteley's Christmas
is going to be made here...

No, no, no. I've...

I pray, I've not lived
a good life.

And I abandoned my priesthood.

Don't let me come under him.

Who'd like to see the lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

JOHNNY: Oh! Come on.

CLARKSON: That will
slow you down.

JOHNNY: I should get some
time off for that.

CLARKSON: You should actually.
I'll knock point two
of a second off.

That's too fast
and too aggressive.

It's for you, Jeremy!

And this one here is...

Now you brake too late...

Look how wide
you've gone there!
Fast but mad!

Right, the Hammerhead.
Let's see, too fast?

No! This is looking
surprisingly...

Johnny, I've got to say
for a man with
no driving licence,

this is very impressive.

-Oh! You've...

You gave me a tough car!

Oh, nice shot and...

ALL: Ooh!

CLARKSON: That was flat out
through the Follow-Through.

This is what I can do.
This is the ballerina
bit of driving.

Turn... Got that.

CLARKSON: Well, I'm s...

-This is where
you went off before.
-MAN: Nice!

CLARKSON: Ooh! Nice!
ALL: Ooh!

Nice cornering.

There he goes,
ladies and gentlemen.

I feel like a really sad
game show contestant, but,

I... I know I've done badly,
But, I... I

I had a really good laugh
doing it! I... I...

I really... At least
I didn't drive like
Miss Daisy.

Now, The Stig was saying

that you were braking...

Left foot braking,
which is basically what
Michael Schumacher does.

Yeah... Yeah.

-Where's that come from?
-I've been doing it natural.

No formal training.

He looked down and seriously,
I thought I'd had an accident.

'Cause he looked down
and he was quite horrified
and then he went,

"You're braking with
your left foot"
and I was like, "Well..."

"Have you always done that?"
I was like, "Well... I...
Don't know."

And he just went,
"Well that's imp..."

When The Stig, when his tone
of voice goes down, he goes,
"That's very impressive."

I'm going to tell you
how you've done.

CLARKSON: Now those two
are below two minutes...
JOHNNY: Yeah.

The first piece of really
good news
is that you weren't.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You did it,

in one minute,

-58.6 seconds!
-Aw!

But you did beat Harry Enfield
and Richard Whiteley
and they both got

driving licences.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Vegas!

Now, at the beginning
of the show,
Jeremy argued that cars

looked better
in the olden days
than they do now.

Well, I found out why.

MAY: The 1970s were
a desperate time
for British cars.

The workers spent all week
on strike
and when they did turn up,

they built rubbish.

But this was also the decade
when we were supreme
in one area.

Boldness. Risk-taking.

This is the
Aston Martin Lagonda.

The most shocking car
in the world in 1976.

And to my mind still
the most shocking in 2003.

Have you read in the paper
recently, about the explorer
Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

He had a triple heart
bypass operation

and then he went
and ran seven marathons.
Madness.

MAY: This car is
Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

It defies common sense
in spectacular style.

Back in the mid '70s
Aston Martin had
just gone bust

and been bailed out.

So logically they should
have played safe
with their next car.

No silly risks.

And then they did this.

The issue here is not
the 5.3 litre V8 engine

or the 140mph-plus top speed.

Or the acceleration
or the flat cornering
or any of that stuff. It's...

The looks.

MAY: The man responsible for
this car, one William Towns

locked himself away
with a ruler and a pencil

and designed it
in just a month.

He was obsessed
with aerodynamics

and wanted a very,
very low nose.

Now watch this...

If I stand here, I'm looking
down on the bonnet,

nothing remarkable
about that, but...

If I do this...

I'm still looking down
on the bonnet and this isn't
a mid-engine supercar.

This has got a whacking great
V8 under the bonnet.
It's a front engined

four door luxury limousine.

But if the exterior styling
was daring, the interior
was downright reckless.

More blinking LEDs
than a Casio factory.

Look, it's touch buttons
all over the place,
all there and here.

It's almost as if the designer
watched an episode of Blakes 7
and then thought, "Ah-ha."

The problem though
is that none of this stuff
actually works.

The development costs
for the electronics alone
on the Lagonda came to,

four times as much as
the budget for the whole car.

And when the first
Lagonda was delivered,
it was over a year late

and completely un-drivable.

And all because
the electronics had failed.

So the styling was beyond
madness.

The electrics beyond ambition.

And just to make the
tightrope a bit more wobbly,
the price was beyond belief.

£50,000 at the end
of the '70s.

Or £180,000
at today's prices.

And did Aston Martin's
boldness pay off?
No.

In 12 years,
they made just 645.

What a shame,
but their loss
is our gain.

Because today
you can get a working example
of this,

the world's
most outrageous car,

for £15,000.

Now that's
a risk worth taking.

James, at £15,000
that is a lot of car

-you've got to admit.
-It is.

-Another 15,000
to fill it up, probably.
-Yeah that's a bit of a worry.

-And those electrics,
when they go wrong.
-Yeah.

Well that could be...
15,000.

Yeah and the engine,
if that goes wrong.

Yeah, it's an
Aston Martin engine,
you're probably looking at,

-15,000.
-Yeah, stupid idea, isn't it?

Actually it's one of the worst
bits of advice I've ever given

-on this programme, but...
-It is! It is!

-It does have a plus side.
-Yeah.

Because it's given us another
of those handy links
that we like.

-Smooth.
-Because this of course,
is a classic.

And that links us to this,
our classic wall.

You may remember a few
weeks ago we introduced this,

the idea being we'd sort out
cars from the '80s and '90s
and we decide,

whether they're going to be
future classics, over here,
or just crocks.

Now there are very
strict rules to this unlike
the cool wall.

We're looking at, rare,
interesting, beautiful.

A car's got to be two of those
things at least

to make it over here,
otherwise, it's over here,
we don't care what it is.

It goes there.
What have we got?

Absolutely,
so that's how it works.
Two out of three.

Okay, I'm going to offer
this one first,
see what we think.

It is the Mazda MX5.

What do we feel
that's going to be?
You reckon... Classic?

-AUDIENCE: Crock!
-Actually, well,
I'm surprised.

I was expecting to hear
classic on that and I think
you've shown great discernment

because it falls down
on several.

One, it certainly wasn't rare,
there were loads of them.

Interesting, well no,
not really,
it's a kind of,

fake Japanese take
on a British sports car.

I am told that they actually,

recorded and then recreated
the sound of the gearbox

-on an old Triumph on this.
It's a simple fake.

-Okay, so that goes in crock.

But I want you to think
very carefully
about this one...

-The Nissan Bluebird.
-HAMMOND: Oh, my Lord!

-Well
-AUDIENCE: Crock!

What? Crock? Okay.

Now, it's not rare.

I'll give you that, but it is
actually quite interesting,
okay?

No, this is an interesting car
this is a British built car,

that showed that British cars,
could be reliable.

This is a landmark car
for Britain, okay?

-And beautiful!
Is it beautiful?

AUDIENCE: No!

Oh, 2:00
in the morning,
when you roll out of a club...

And one of these will
take you home for two quid,

that's the best looking car
in the world.
Fantastic.

HAMMOND: Fair enough!

It's got two
of those qualities,
it has to end up there.

I'm not saying it's good.
It's a future classic,
that's all there is to this.

-Right let's try this,
the Peugeot 405 MI16
-Hmm...

I don't know
if you remember that car.

AUDIENCE: Classic!

I've got to say, this is...
This is quite impressive!

I think there were quite
a few classic's there,
I'll tell you why

I reckon that is a classic.
One, it was rare.

Two, it was interesting,
partly because technically
it was quite clever, but also,

it had the coolest name
ever given to a car.

MI16, how good is that?
It sounds like a gun.

How much power
would that give you?

You're trying to
get into a restaurant...

"Sorry, sir, you can't
come here, it's full."

"Oh, really?
We're the members of
the MI16 club."

"Come in, please, sir,
you can have a table."
It carries great power.

And it is beautiful,
Pininfarina design,

so that's
all three categories done.

-Yep.
-That's a future classic.

MAY: Right...

The original Impreza Turbo...

-What do we think?
-CLARKSON: Classic!

-AUDIENCE: Classic!
-CLARKSON: Classic!

-It's interesting...
-CLARKSON: Who said that?

Who said it was common?

How many have you seen?

You're job's to shut up!

It's a very good car
and if they don't put that
in classic

one of them's going to be
going home with that,

buried deep inside them!

What I like is the way
Jeremy's taken on a
kind of a bouncer role here.

I mean he's leaping around
the audience
looming at people.

Right, the Impreza Turbo.
It is interesting.
Interesting spoiler,

interesting engine,
interesting intercooler
gauge, yes,

one down, it's interesting.

It's not rare, is it?

-HAMMOND: No.
-I can see three of these
from my bedroom window.

All right,
parked on my street,
so that's 1-nil.

-That's because you live
next to a Subaru garage.
-No, it's not.

Or over a kebab shop,
either way.

Right, it's 1-nil.
It is interesting,
it's not rare!

-Is it good looking?
-CLARKSON: Yes!

AUDIENCE: Yes... No...
CLARKSON: Yes!

Who said no?
Why is it not good looking?

It just looks like
it's crashed into a Halfords
car shop window.

-I said that!
That's my joke!
-Well, it's a good one.

You should
listen to yourself.

-May I continue?
-CLARKSON: Go on then.

There's no pressure either,
James, don't worry.

Interesting, not rare.

No!

Chuck it into there!

The Fiesta RS1800.

AUDIENCE: Crock!

MAN: Classic!

-It's a Ford...
-I've just seen what's about
to happen here.

Ford's are magnificent
in every way.

And there can be no doubt,
that all Fords,

-will one day be classics.
-I take it, a fair few people

have remembered what
this nonsense is about.

It's Jeremy's ongoing
and pitiful attempt to
ingratiate himself to Ford.

He's one of 2,150 people
who have their name down
to buy a GT40.

Ford are only bringing
101 GTs into Europe.

And he is trying to make them
like him, so that they
let him have one...

And it's...
Oh, for God's sake...

It's pathetic!

It's not pleasant.

All right, can I just
explain something?

I'm an independent journalist
and presenter.

I don't have a Ford GT
on order, it's not rare,
it's not interesting,

it looks like
a shopping cart...

Interestingly, I discovered
that Rowan Atkinson

and some footballer
are thinking

of putting their names down
for one of those as well,

which means he's now gone
another two names down
the list.

There's not a chance
will he ever get one!

Right, on to some
really important stuff...

This is the first chance
you've had to see
the new Aston Martin DB9.

It's a replacement for the DB7
and no,

I don't know what happened
to the DB8 either.

But what I can tell you,
is that it has the same engine
as the DB7,

V12, 6 litre,

450 brake horsepower.

But apart from that
everything is new.

It's got a new type of
very light, very stiff chassis
and inside...

Well you've got
a lot more space than you did
in the old DB7.

And they've gone for a kind
of Range Rover feel really,
there's lots of wood,

lots of leather,
but it's very, very modern.

Gearboxes, you can either
have a proper manual or...

Or no gearbox at all
by the looks of things.
I guess an automatic.

The only thing I would say
in there,

not as many Ford switches
as I would have liked.

What?
Needs an air of quality.

Um, it's going on sale
early next year,
priced at £104,000.

Now that's about
£35,000 more than the

-V8 one we had
in the series...
-Yep, it's a bit bigger.

It's bigger than the V8
which is coming out in 2005.

It's got two more
seats than that.
But you know...

All of these really,
are mere details,

compared to the looks of it.

It's not as radical
as my Lagonda, is it?

-But, ooh...
-It is gorgeous, isn't it?

You would agree?
It's absolutely stunning.

I said at the top of the show,
that really 1966 we were at
our peak for designing cars,

-but this shows that
Aston Martin...
-A beacon...

They're still holding
the torch for car design.

-Fantastic.
-Sadly, we can't drive it,
because it's pre-production.

But...

Actually you know,
we haven't driven a new car
in this show so far.

No, you're right,
actually we haven't.

So the Audi TT.

Now for...

Oh, I don't know,
a year or so,

this has been languishing
right at the bottom

of our cool wall,
seriously uncool we reckon,
and that's because...

Um... What's that shop called
where girls buy earrings
and stuff?

Yeah I don't go there myself,
it's Accessorize.

Accessorize, that's the one.
Well this,

this is like
a hair scrunchie thing
for men.

It's just so
wilfully stylish,
so deliberately hip and cool.

Look at those air vents
and the switches...

It's all form
and forget the function.

This means you can't just
get in it and go.

You have to look the part.

Look at everyone in a TT.
They're at the shockwave
in front of the cutting edge.

They're a symphony of
hair product
and all that's new

from the catwalks of Milan.

And this look takes time.

Most people have an hour
or so, between getting home
from work and going out.

But when you have a TT,
this isn't enough.

No.

No.

Hi, I've got an Audi TT,
but you knew that.

Blue car... Pink.

Pink...
Yes! Perfect!

And I think a suit.

Ah, yes, very good.

Oh, my God!

Green and blue should
not be seen,
without a colour in between...

Grey. Grey between the blue
of the car and the green
of the lining.

That's good.

Shoes.

I may need some advice
on that.

So, I went to see one of
my neighbours.

Hello! How are you?

I was just wondering
which one of these shoes,
goes best with this suit?

I don't know what those
are still doing there,

'cause we made you
throw them away.

I hardly recognise those
because they are so filthy
but they're the only ones

-you can wear with that suit.
But clean them first, Jeremy.
-Thanks.

-Bye.
-See you soon!

Finally after three hours
you're ready to go.

Hi, I've got an Audi TT.

And here's the problem...

You see, the TT was never fast
enough to make up the time
you lost by getting ready.

Now however,
there's a new version.

It's still four-wheel drive,
but it comes with a whopping
3.2 litre V6.

The same engine they put
in the hot Golf.

It certainly sounds good.
They've used the same
exhaust technology

that we first saw on
the Ferrari 355

so it's very quiet
when you're cruising
and then a bit

snorty when you're not.

There's no turbo lag either
so it's got press and go
acceleration

to match your wash
and go shampoo.

However, because
it's quite a heavy engine,

you only get something like
5 brake horsepower
per tonne more

than you got in
the old Turbo car.
So...

It's only slightly faster.

The engine then,
hasn't solved the problem.

You're going to arrive
looking good,

but you're still
going to be late.

There is however another time
saving device in here.

It's got
a flappy paddle gearbox.

Now normally I hate
these things because
they don't work properly.

But hate this one
for a different reason,
you see, it's new.

And that means, I've got to
try and make what they've done
sound interesting.

God help me.

The idea is,
that I'm in second gear now

but there's a second clutch,

which already has third gear
spinning and ready to go.

So when I pull this lever,

bang, the change is
completely instant.

And now the clutch that did
have second gear,

is preparing fourth.

How mind numbingly
boring is that.

Apparently each change
takes .02 of a second.

That's... Nearly amazing!

And about .4 of a second
faster than you can
change gear yourself.

.4 of a second.

So imagine how much time
that saves you over a journey.

This is time you can spend
at home, preening.

You could plait
your ear hair.

Imagine how good
that would look.

You don't seem to be able to
catch it out either,

I've just gone,
first, second, third

so it's bound to assume
that I want fourth next.

But I've suddenly decided,
I want second.

And it did it.
How did it know?

How did it know what
I was going to do next?

It's witchcraft!

I must say that this is
the only flappy paddle gearbox
that works.

But there is a price to pay.

And the price is...
The price.

This car is very nearly
£30,000 and I'm sorry,
but that really is,

far too much.

-Nearly 30,000 grand?
-Hmm...

Now that Mazda RX8
that's about £7,000
less than this.

-Yep, it is.
-And... In fact even that
Nissan 350Z,

that's £5,000 less than this.

It is, and next week
we're testing
the Chrysler Crossfire

and that's cheaper too.
There are an awful lot of new
coupe's around at the moment.

Um, so really we've got to
put this one on the track
and see how it does.

So, to test
its flappy paddle gearbox,

I'll hand you over
to the totally unflappable...

Mr Stig!

And away he goes,
four-wheel drive of course,
and a dry track today,

so there should be plenty
of grip.

-Let's see
in the first corner.

Oh dear, nose sliding
all over the shot.

And just listen
to the tyres squeal.

The Stig enjoying the music
from the Kingsmill bread
out there.

Look at the state of that!
I've seen less understeer
on an ice skater.

If it's that bad at Chicago,
what will it make
of Hammerhead?

-That is appalling!

I've never seen such
a shambles.

In fact, The Stig
said the TT handled like
a clown car,

as it lumbers through
the second to last
corner there,

up to Gambon...

Oh, God, look, lurching
round, more understeer,
and across the line.

Well, it took, one minute,
32.7 seconds,

so that's...

-It's a little bit faster
than the Golf R32.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

CLARKSON: Oh,
brilliant though, really.

Anyway, can I raise a question
with you here, Jeremy?

Earlier on, we saw you driving
around in that Mercedes SL,
the 1960s one...

And you said that it was
£30,000 and it was very good
to look at

and it wasn't very fast.

-And you really, really
liked it. Okay.
-Yeah.

Then you drove this,

the Audi TT and you said
it cost £30,000,
it's very good to look at,

and it's slow
and you really don't like it.

-Yes.
-Well, well done.

Top marks for consistency,
Clarkson, in sticking
to your message.

No, the point is
if you drive an Audi TT,
you are the same

as every estate agent
from here to Humberside.

So, you gotta make
a big effort with your hair
and everything, okay?

If you drive a Mercedes SL,
everyone goes,
"What a great car!"

And let's be honest,
the Dimbleby brothers
have one of those.

Didn't they do
Long Train Running?
Is that right?

You see, this is what
I have to put up with.

He thought Colin Powell
was the drummer with
Black Sabbath.

Look...

We've had a bit of an argument
this week, to be honest.

And it's... It's about this
very subject, the old...

-Wise...
-...versus the new.

The future as I like
to look at it.

And it's down to cars
because...

-No, no, as I like
to look at it, is this...

Bad Company versus Busted.

So this is how it's been
all week, great fun.

I mean we do agree
on some stuff.

Like, old cars, we agree,
apart from the new
Aston Martin,

old cars are better looking.

Yeah, they're better looking,
they're more comfortable,
they're safer...

-Newer cars are safer,
kinder to the environment.
-Yeah, we agree on all that.

However, I believe,
that cars these days
are getting slower.

And I believe,
you're just being stupid,
when you say it.

Because Jackie Stewart
had only 400 brake horsepower
to win

the Formula 1 Championship
in 1973.

-Yeah?
-400 brake horsepower...

You can get that nowadays
in an Audi.

Yes, but an Audi weighs
more than the moon.

And so it just goes
on and on and on.

So we have agreed
the only way to settle this,
is out on our track.

Absolutely. So we have got,
to start the ball rolling,

a Golf GTI from my generation,

and a Golf GTI
from his generation.

And we're gonna
have a little race.

Okay, and they are away.

And you'll notice,
I think that the Mk1...
Yes, it's in the lead.

It is in the lead.
Come on, come on, come on.

It's there.

HAMMOND: That's not right.

And so...

And so, the new Golf,
which is as sporty
as actually playing golf

-loses the first round...
-Oh, dear.

...to my generation
and wins the first round

of the Top Gear
Generation Game,

which is what
we've come up with here.

Yes, this how it's gonna work.

Okay, so this is
the second round,
these two cars, two Toyotas.

First the lightweight, modern,
fleet, efficient,

nimble, new, MR2
and then the old, rather bland
and boring MR2

-representing
the past, Jeremy.
-Which one?

MAN: Newer.
HAMMOND: Obviously, the newer.

CLARKSON: What do you think?
HAMMOND: It's the future.

-Older one.
-You think the old
one would win?

-Newer.
-The newer one...

You see,
he's 12, he knows nothing.

-You?
-The old one.

The old one.

Can we get hands up
for the old one?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-Okay.

Yeah, well, if they can
get their hands...

These races, I should explain,

-are not being held over
a quarter of a mile...
-No.

...because that's what
you would be expecting
us to do.

We are doing them
over a fifth of a mile.

-Don't know why.
-We're punchy and we
are quick, so run the tape.

HAMMOND: Okay, let's have
a look at this, right.

Here we are, on the line,
the old MR2 in the front
getting off.

Now, let's see, the faster,
fleet, new one

is I think, getting ahead,
you'll find.

It is technically quicker
to 60 miles an hour.

And it's, oh,
it's a complete...

Look at that.

Creaking its way
over that road.

Rubbish, absolute rubbish!

I mean, your car
looked like it was designed
with a ruler.

And in fact, from that speed,
it looked like the wheels were
as well, Jeremy.

-So this one is...
-It's just gone.

-Just a bit close.
Okay, the next one.
-It's the past.

Ah...

MAN: Cossie!

Well, before
we get into that,
I'd just like to say,

that I actually don't believe
there will be a loser here.

It'll be first and second.
We've got
the Ford Escort Cosworth.

I used to have
one of these, turbo charged,
four wheel drive.

-And the truly magnificent...
-Um... Um...

-Focus RX.
-Right.

-Glorious in every way,
both of them.
-Now... Hmm...

Yeah, I know why
you're doing this.

Didn't you actually say
about the Focus RX,

I seem to remember,
it was "Un-drivable"?

-No.
-No, that what you said.

Yes, but as you know
my mind has been changed...

-You are never...
-...somewhat, and anyway,
you can drop this

I'm not getting a GT thing,
'cause I got an e-mail, here.

And it's from a man,
who works at Ford.

And he says he's been trying
to get tickets
to come to the show.

-All right.
-To watch the recording.

And he says, "I have
access to the room,

"where all the
Ford GT application forms
are being held."

He would be happy to
undertake a highly risky
and elaborate manoeuvre

to get in there and
"Move Mr. Clarkson's
application form up the list

"for a pair of tickets
to Top Gear one day."

Well, I mean,
he's just banished himself
from here forever.

The man will never ever
be allowed in, sorry mate.

I anticipated your every move,
Mr Hammond.

-He is here.
I invited him down.

There he is in the glasses.

And, and I'm taking him
out for dinner afterwards.

Where we're gonna have
a lovely lobster.

-Ooh.
-HAMMOND: Oh, just leave it.

Anyways, shall we see
which two of these great
cars wins this one?

-I'm hoping
it's the Cosworth, obviously.

Four wheel drive against
two wheel drive.

And away they go.

Oh, the Cosworth
has a lightning start.

And so it looks like
your Busted generation's
being completely...

So there we are.

A draw.

That's not right.
What's going on?

You can't have these
dinosaurs beating the future.

It's wrong.
Throw it away.
Right...

You have to throw away
a Ford there, Jeremy.

Oh, I just carefully
dropped it.

-Obviously, it's like...
-Looked like you
threw it to me.

Right, next two cars,
Peugeots.

We have the new,
206 GTI and the old,
creaky, 205 GTI.

-The 1.9 GTI.
-From the past,
where Jeremy comes from.

-Old one?
-AUDIENCE: Old one.

There seems to be
a general consensus

that the older cars
are quicker and that
you are wrong.

-Now they're feeling sorry...
-You should call me,
"My master".

Obi Wan, the wise doctor

-and the young apprentice.
-Or just a big, noisy
dinosaur.

It depends how
you want to look at it.

-Well, let's find out.
Here we go.
-Okay.

HAMMOND: The old, creaky,
terrified GTI on the line
and they're away.

-Let's have a look.
-CLARKSON: Oh, close...

HAMMOND: It's not close...
CLARKSON: It is close...

HAMMOND: That's not close.

-CLARKSON: It isn't
close, you're right.

HAMMOND:
It couldn't be any less close.

CLARKSON: Yeah, you better...
HAMMOND: Good grief.

That was rub... Um...

I'm just looking at
the power to weight ratio
of that new car.

-Of the new?
-And it is extraordinary.

It's managed to be so heavy
when it's made from spit
and Kleenex.

So where are we?
We're actually, two-all.

-Two older ones,
two new ones...
-Uh, yes.

-The past...
-It's all down

-to the final two.
-AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Crikey!

And they are...

Ooh, this should be good.

-The Nissan 350Z.
-Ooh, damn,

I was rather hoping
it wouldn't be those two.

-And there's a great
big, fat, old...
-Twin turbo charged...

Giant, wobbly car
for putting Americans in.

Twin turbo charged

-versus the one designed...
-Three and a half...

-CLARKSON: By a man
from Leicester.

-Okay.
-Okay, well...

-"Here we go," he said,
rather nervously.
-Good luck.

HAMMOND: It's got a bad start.

-CLARKSON: But turbocharger...
Come on, come on, come on...

Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes!

What hope is there
for us all?

And so on that crushing
blow for Richard Atomic
Kitten Hamster...

Says, Mr Jeremy
Jethro Tull Clarkson...

Has a ring, I think.

We'd like to wish you all
a very, very happy Christmas.

We'll see you again,
next week,
God knows what time.

See you then, bye.