Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Best British Car of All Time - full transcript

CLARKSON: Today,
I go off-road in Porsche's
new four-by-four.

Richard drives
the new McLaren Mercedes.

And we find
the best of British.

Hello! Now, tonight's show
has a bit of a German theme,

so settle back,

slum a bit of Kraftwerk
into your Grundig,

crack open a bottle
of Blue Nun.

And let's have
a light canter through

some of the achievements
of the fatherland.

This is a tank.

And its job is to go
through buildings
and trees and stuff.



And this is a sports car.

And its job
is to kind of go
around everything.

Like that.

Now, these are two completely
separate entities.

But the Germans have decided
they can be combined.

That you can have a tank GTI.

This is the result,
the Porsche Cayenne.

The first car ever to be named
after an ingredient.

On the one hand,
it's a huge 2.3 tonne monster,

capable of dealing
with the worst that the Somme
has to throw at it.

But when you take it
on the road, it turns into
an absolute screamer!

It is hugely fast.

This turbo-charged
450-brake horsepower model

is actually quicker than
any Mercedes, Jaguar or BMW.



It can do 165 miles an hour!

And then
there's the acceleration.

It just shrugs off
its weight and flies!

Nought to 60
takes five seconds

and about 17 gallons of fuel.

And it's not just fast
in a straight line, either.

Whenever I drive one of these
big off-road cars,

I'm always terrified
that I'm going to have
to swerve for something

and it'll just fall over.

But in this, there is no fear.

It feels like I'm in a big,
well-sorted sports saloon.

It actually feels very similar
to the Audi RS6.

So, it's big, fast,
and stunning to drive.

But none of this is important.

To test its
off-road abilities,
we've come to the place

where the army
tests its tanks.

Bovington, in Dorset.

Now, most modern
off-road cars,

like, for instance,
the BMW X5, would get stuck
on a croquet lawn.

This has lots
of ground clearance,
it's got locking diffs,

it's got a
low-range gearbox...

As a result...
Ooh, I'm pointing
straight at the Sun!

This is very impressive.

I can't believe
I'm doing this
in a Porsche,

on high-speed road tyres.

But I am and I have.
And it's at the top.
That's astonishing.

This car is jam-packed
with electronics that are
not only very clever,

but also...very tough.

That's a bit of a dust cloud.
Ooh!

If anything, the Cayenne
is even more impressive
here than it is on the road.

You know what?

I don't care
about that either.

Inside, you get
lots of buttons to push,
but not as much space

as you might have
been expecting.

The rear will take three
at a pinch,
but the boot is tiny!

It's not the most practical
car in the world, then.

Not that this matters.

It's not exactly
cheap, either.

The base model is £45,000,
this Turbo is £70,000!

That makes it about £20,000
more than a Range Rover.

But then I don't care
about that either.

Nothing matters
less in my life!

Nothing!

As an engineering exercise,
the Cayenne is astonishing.

Only the Germans
could have pulled it off.

But all their efforts
with the power and the speed,

and the toughness and agility,

they were all a complete
and utter waste of time.

Because look at it!

I think what they tried to do
is make the front
look like a 911,

which it doesn't.

And then from here back,
it looks like they
haven't bothered!

Honestly, I have seen
more attractive
gangrenous wounds than this.

It is a monkfish among cars!

It has the sex appeal
of a camel with gingivitis.

And frankly, I would rather
walk back to the studio
than drive another yard in it.

So I shall.

That way...

I have to say,
I think I'd have walked back
as well, you know.

That is a truly horrible car.

It is absolutely foul.

I actually think that if
a child looked out of his
bedroom window and saw it,

"Daddy! Daddy,
there's a monster
outside the house!

"This is horrible!"
And he says,

"No, son, that's
my new Porsche."

The thing is, they are
absolutely everywhere.
They're everywhere.

You say that,
but actually, Altrincham...

I've got a list here of where
they're being sold, okay?

And Altrincham, which is
a sort of footballers' wives
suburb in Cheshire...

They've sold more
there than they have

in Luton,
Manchester, Medway,

Middlesbrough,
Midlothian, Milton Keynes,

Newcastle, Newport, Normanton,
North Dorset, and northeast
Bedfordshire put together!

And then there's Guildford.

If you take Surrey and
Cheshire out of the equation,
they wouldn't have sold one!

-I mean, it really
is a question of,

"You are now entering
onyx county, please drive
your Cayenne carefully."

And the reason why
no one here is laughing
is we are in Guildford.

-It's candy.
-This lot... Exactly, they've
all got onyx coffee tables.

Right, the news. And sticking
with the Cayenne, because
there is a new model out.

They have made some changes.

Here it is. Specifically,
the changes are to the engine.

-CLARKSON: Oh, brilliant!
-It's now a V6, with
250-brake horsepower.

It will be cheaper,
and lower CO2 emissions...

...they've left...
They've left the one bit
that needed changing.

-HAMMOND: Yeah, the body.
-It's still hideous!

And they threw away
a good engine,
kept the hideous look.

It is from the depths,
that thing.

And you remember
what you were saying
about monkfish

-earlier on your piece?
-Yeah.

And you know how sometimes
those deep sea fishermen,

they dredge up one of those
hideous anglerfish
from 20,000 fathoms,

and it's all distorted
and bloated because
of the change in pressure?

-CLARKSON: Mmm.
-I wondered,

if you put that down
to 20,000 fathoms,

-if it would turn back
into a 911.

Now I've found
the perfect insight to
the German mind here.

Audi has launched
a new flagship A8,
here's a picture of it.

It's the poshest car
in the range,

and it's being fitted
with daylight running lights.

These are the ones
that are on all the time,
like they are on a Volvo.

Now when Volvo does this,

they just wire up
the normal lights
so they're on all the time.

But Audi have put low-voltage
LED daylight running lights
on this car.

And they say this has
virtually no effect
on fuel consumption.

Now, they do use power,
so I rang up Volvo
and I said,

"What is this all about?
How much do your
daylight running lights...

"How much extra fuel
does that mean you're using?"

And they went away,
and they did the calculation.

And they came back
and they said, "To be honest,
it's such a tiny amount

"that we can't measure it."

So now Audi have said,
"Yes, but we will half it!"

And that was the Swedes,
who, let's face it,
are a rational bunch.

The Germans have made
the Swedes look reckless.

What sort of
an achievement is that?

Sticking with our theme
of the Germans, here's
a worrying piece of news.

You have to bear with me,
it'll take a second
to get there.

Mercedes,
next to their factory,
they have a car park.

Into that car park,
they put all the new cars
as they build them.

So they line them all up,
all shiny.

Their problem is, every year,
there are massive hailstorms.

Massive.

Big hailstones come down,
ruin the paint
on all their brand new cars.

Mercedes, being Mercedes,
obvious solution.

"Ah! We'll just control
the weather."

So they've learned
a way of sending
aeroplanes up,

and they drop chemicals
on the clouds and that in turn

breaks down and
dissolves the hailstones.

-No hailstones.
Doesn't destroy the car.
-Well, this is a big problem.

Well, this is a big problem.
Because those hailstones
came for a good reason.

God sent them,
and God sent them
with good reason.

Because just up the road
from the Mercedes factory

is the German
wine-producing area.

God doesn't like German wine.

-Let's be honest.
Neither do any of us.
-So every year,

God sends hailstones
to flatten the German vines

so we don't have to have any
Blue Nun and Black Tower.

And now Mercedes
has gone along,

"Ah! We have got rid
of the clouds!"

More German wine I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's terrifying!

-It's bad news.
-Yeah, but I'm just wondering.

-Why don't they just,
for example, build a shed?
-Because they're German.

They're Germans.
"This will be simple."

-If it's hailing,
I don't think...
-"Nein!

"It is easier to send
the Messerschmitt into
the clouds and shoot..."

Shoot the clouds
out of the sky.

Now... Calendars, okay?

It's a fairly simple thing,
you know,
to get a good calendar.

When you walk into one
of these tyre repair places,

or, you know,
a clutch fitting...

They've got on the wall...
What do you need
to get a good one?

-You need a girl?
-HAMMOND: Yes.

-Baby oil. To put on her.
-CLARKSON: Baby oil.

To put on her,
'cause she doesn't
need clothes.

-And that's it, really.
-CLARKSON: That's it, really.

The new Pirelli calendar
is out.
Would you like to see it?

Mmm-hmm.
You'd like to see that?

How could they have
got it that wrong? Look!

HAMMOND: That's just
an office accident!
She's tipped her chair!

CLARKSON: A woman
wearing a jacket last worn
by Carol Decker in T'Pau

has fallen off her chair.

HAMMOND:
She's probably
spilt her coffee.

Actually, it's quite
a sad incident.

That's rubbish.
There's no tyres
on it anywhere.

-No, exactly.
-Okay. Would you like
to look at this one?

-What?
-CLARKSON: Look at it!

CLARKSON: Do you
know something?

Do you know
something really bizarre?

You can't even use it
as a calendar.

Because how do you read it,
going children's
nativity play?

MAY: There aren't
any dates on it.

No, there are. They're here.
Can you try and see this?
Look.

There you go, look!

HAMMOND: Oh, you can see it.

-Oh, well, that's just stupid.
-CLARKSON:
It does actually have...

I think, quite honestly...

That's rubbish.

...we should do
a Top Gear calendar.

God, not be on it!

-No, no. No. I mean,
how hard can it be?

HAMMOND: Make one, you mean?

-January...
-Sorted out.

-February...
-Where?

Not you, sir. Behind you.

Look at people edging away!

-Ohhh! Ooh!
-March.

-MAY: Well, hey,
March is sorted.
-Possibly April as well.

What are you doing in August?

-Anything? You busy?
-I am.

-And you're with him?
-COUPLE: Yeah.

Right.

-You can go
and sort that one out.
-Thank you.

MAY: Nodding furiously.

Ooh, yes, please.

I was saving you
for December, actually.

Right. Oh, we've got
enough there then.

Can I spoil the festive season
with some
extremely sad news?

The Vauxhall Omega is dead.

-CLARKSON: Mmm-mmm.
-I'm sorry, it is.

CLARKSON:
What are we gonna do?
MAY: I don't know.

No, 'cause honestly,
whenever they say to me,

"I'll send a car
to pick you up," I always hope
for an S-Class.

But of course,
the BBC are never actually
gonna send one of those.

That is my favourite car
to be in the back of.

MAY: I agree entirely.

There's a lot of velour.

-There is a lot of velour.
-It's really deep.
I get lost in it.

-I'm just, like,
finding my way.
-Well, I love that.

-That's the best minicab
ever made.
-HAMMOND: Ever.

Obviously, it's very sad
that it has gone
out of production

but I'm thinking Vauxhall...

All they need to do to keep it
in production forever,

actually, is find
some way of building it

with 120,000 miles
already on the clock
and smelling of B.O.

HAMMOND: Yeah,
that would be brilliant!

Right, if I can draw
the news to a close
and get back to our theme.

The Germans.

This is the new
Mercedes CL 65.

It has a six-litre
twin-turbo V12 engine.

Six hundred and twelve
horsepower
and so many torques

that Mercedes actually
had to de-tune the engine

to stop it blowing up
the gearbox.

Now it does cost £120,000.

But amazingly,
it isn't the
top banana Mercedes.

Now, rather annoyingly,

I had to go
to South Africa to drive that.

HAMMOND: So why do we
have to come
all the way here

to Cape Town?
It's a puzzler.

After all, South Africa
has the highest rate
of carjacking in the world.

So it's hardly
the perfect place to drive
a 300 grand supercar.

No, it is a real struggle
to see a single reason

why senior Mercedes executives
would wanna spend
a month here.

In November.

Anyway, the car.

It costs three times
as much as the most
expensive Mercedes,

so it had better be at least
three times as good.

Let's have a look.

Well, it's certainly got
the presence, the charisma.

That long bonnet.

Those grilles in the wings.

Crikey! It does look good.

If there's one thing
any supercar has got to do,

it's make you feel
like a 10-year-old
as soon as you look at it.

Mission accomplished, I think.

And this shape
remind you of anything?

Formula One car.

And then there's this.
The doors.

How long until
you tire of that?

Well, you never will.

But it's got one more trick.

Starting it.

Lift and press the button.

-Whoo!

I've just come over all funny.

And on the move,
it loses none
of that charisma.

The McLaren connection
means that

whereas the Ferrari,
for instance, is made
in exotic-sounding Modena,

the SLR is made
in Woking in Surrey.

But don't let that
put you off.

Because the last car
to be made in Woking
was the McLaren F1.

HAMMOND:
That's a hard act to follow,

so McLaren has used
plenty of its F1 know-how
in making the SLR.

Like an F1 car,
it's made almost
entirely of carbon fibre.

And again, like an F1 car,

it has a flat underbody
for high-speed stability.

There's even
an electronic air brake
that lifts up at the back.

The thing is designed
to stick to the ground
and gets its power down.

So much grip!

It will crease the road
before it lets go, I'm sure.

But even more impressive
is the engine.

They've used
a five-and-a-half-litre
supercharged V8.

It puts out
626-brake horsepower.

And more torque than
in all the rest of the cars
in the world added together.

Nought to 60,
3.8 seconds.

Better still, nought to 120,
just over 12 seconds.

Top speed barely limited
by tyres and stuff
to 207 miles an hour.

That's probably enough.

And what an engine!

The laws of physics
no longer apply.

That thing all the way
over there is actually here.
Watch.

This is the sort of power
that planets are built with.
Awesome!

So, it's got more
power than God,

it's loaded with F1 technology

and it grips
and handles
like no other.

And if you stop anywhere
for more than 10 seconds,

you'd better enjoy
being mobbed.

Is it yours? Wow!

Yeah. Yeah.

HAMMOND: All that begs
the vital question.

Have they done it?
Is this the ultimate supercar?

No.

Let me explain.

If I spent
£313,000 on a house,

I want it to look
pretty nice inside.

On a car, I want it
to blow my mind.

This just doesn't.
There's plastic in here.
Come on!

This is a car to be bought
by people who don't have
plastic stuff knocking about.

Their lives are perfect,
shining, without flaw.

And it has a very,
very firm ride.

Unless you adjust it,

in which case
it gets even harder.

But there's one other reason

why, I'm sad to say,
it fails to be perfect.

And it's these, the brakes.
I mean, look.

Whoa!

It sure isn't that
they don't stop.
They do.

But it's how they do it.

The brakes are "on" or "off"
and that's your choices.

It's not like
they're unsophisticated.

They're ceramic
and virtually fade-free

no matter how much punishment
they get.

On wet surfaces,

the discs are constantly
massaged by the brake pads
to keep them dry.

I mean, short
of deploying parachutes,

you couldn't do any more
to stop this car
than it already does.

But it has no feel.

I feel remote and distant.

And that comes close
to ruining
the whole experience.

It falls short, then,
of perfect

and perfection
is what we're after here.

And I'm not sure the SLR
really knows what it is.

It wants to be a race car
like a Carrera GT or an Enzo,

but it also wants
to be a comfy GT cruiser.

So at times it feels
not like a special hyper-car

but just a big, fast Merc.

And then they tell you,
proudly,

that there is enough
room in the boot
for two sets of golf clubs.

And that worries me,
that's just fat
businessman stuff.

It's a marriage between
McLaren and Mercedes, the SLR.

And it's brilliant.

I just wish it was
a bit more McLaren

and a bit less Mercedes.

Big question is, okay,
how does it compare
to the Porsche Carrera GT?

Don't know,
I haven't driven it.

-That's the thing, you see...
-Yes.

I have driven
the Porsche Carrera GT.

There's a photograph
of me here in it.

-There I am,
looking through a wood.
-HAMMOND: Oh, yes.

CLARKSON: And there's another
one of me inside it.

HAMMOND: You look
like you're having fun.

This leaves us
with this bit of a problem.

Because you've driven one,
I've driven the other.

We need to kind of combine
our experiences

to really come up
with a meaningful conclusion.

We need a mind melt.

Really.

-Oh, that hurts.
-It's not working, is it?

I'll tell you what we'll do.
Because we are ingenious.

Top Gear Top Trumps.

-Here's your decider.
-Okay.

-This is the decider.

Okay, what sort
of brake horsepower
have you got in the SLR?

It's 626-brake horsepower.

Well, you beat the Porsche.
That's a mere 612.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Okay, what about your weight?

Ah! Well, this is where
it goes wrong. 1,693 kilos.

Porsche's a lightweight.
1,380.

So, I've got less power,

I've got less weight...

Nought to 60?

-3.8.
-3.8.

Okay, price.

£313,465.

A bargain, frankly.

Obviously!

Compared to
the Porsche's £322,899.

Ouch! That hurts.

There is just one thing
where we really
can't split them.

Things that are wrong with it.
The flaws on this.

Uh... Well, there is that
plasticky interior,
it's a bit disappointing.

And the brakes
are desperately numb

and the ride is a bit hard.

-Mmm.
-It must be said.

What about flaws
on the Carrera GT
that you drove?

-Aren't any.
-Right.

Honestly, there was nothing
wrong with it, apart from
the people who make it.

Nein, nein! Get out!

You can look at it gently.

We have made a perfect car.

And annoyingly,
they have made a perfect car.

It is absolutely brilliant.
So we would have to say...

Although suppose, actually,
if we're going
to the golf pitch...

-Yeah, you can get
your bats in the back.
-Yeah.

You get your bats
in the back.
So you need one of these.

But if you're like a human
and you just
wanna drive on roads

or on motorways or tracks,
you're better off
with the Porsche.

Right. Now, we need someone
to put in our Suzuki Liana.

And this week,
we've got Nelson Mandela,

Michael Parkinson,
Julian Clary,

me and Roger Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Rory Bremner!

-How are you?
-Fine.

Have a seat.

Tell me...

Now, of course...

Of course,
I'm thrilled you're here

because you meet
the bare minimum requirement
for a petrolhead.

You are an Alfa Romeo man.

-Absolutely.
-What have you got?

I drive a 166.
I was gonna come down here
in a 166 this morning,

expect somebody threw
a brick through the window
this morning.

It's probably one
of this lot, was it?

If there's anyone
walking around
with half a brick...

The other half
is in the back of your car.

The other half
is in the back of the car.

No, it's a great car.
I started with a 156.

They're like wolves
in sheep's clothing,

the Alfa, though,
because they kind of...

-They're not.
-They are, they are!

They're not.
You look at an Alfa Romeo,
you know immediately

-it does exactly what
it says on the tin.
-Mmm.

It really is
a beautiful-looking thing.

But they're understated.
That's what's
great about them.

Now, you're also a big fan
of these classic rallies.

Yes.

-I'm sorry,
we're gonna have to...
-Oh, here we go!

-If I end up in hell...

Which is a possibility...

-I would say...
-Here we go.

Eternal... I would just...
The worst thing
I can imagine

is being put
in a classic rally

with a friendly man
with a beard

-chatting to me.
-Oh, of course
they've got beards.

You're gonna have a beard
because you haven't
got time to shave

'cause you're busy
mending the car.

I mean, it's just the notion.

They long for it to break down
so they can get
their fingernails dirty.

Well, yes,
sometimes it breaks down.
Okay, it's true.

But if you're going
through fantastic scenery,

it's a bit of a waste
if you just go through it.

I mean, you'd like to stop.

And stand
by the side of the car...

-I can stop in a modern car.
-...for a couple of hours.

And you can listen
to the cows and you can
listen to their bells.

You can listen
to the churches.

And then you're
on your way again.

But you can do that
in a modern car.

In an old car,
it stops where it wants.

But where is the...
You know,

driving an old
Italian sports car.

Through the Alps into Italy.

Where is the fun in that?

-I mean, I know...
-But you're not.

You're on the M25 thinking,

"Oh, my friends
are now driving through
and mine's broken down."

Don't drive them
in this country.
That's the thing.

Because the weather's
not very good.

You got to drive them
to the port
in order to get abroad.

Well, that's the story.
Because we did
a rally in Spain once.

And, let's see.
The first car broke down
on the M25.

The second one
broke down on the A3,

-going back to fix the one
on the M25.

The third car mysteriously
broke down on the boat.

This is an Alfa Romeo rally,
obviously.

It was.
No, the first car to be...
The first one was a Beetle.

So two had gone
before we got to port.

But the third one went
on the boat because
the steering jammed

on the crossing
from Port Bilbao somehow.

-They do that.
-The fourth one,
the electrics went

before we'd actually got
to Bilbao city centre.

And the fifth one, I think,
soon after that caught fire.
So that was five.

-On the second day.
-Out of how many?

Uh... Out of seven.

-That's...
-It was...

It was like The Dam Busters.

Even for Alfa Romeo,
that's a high attrition rate.

It was. It was
like The Dam Busters.

"We've lost Binky.
We lost...

"We think he's bought it
on the ferry."

What about the people?

Because this
is what worries me.

I once made the mistake
of engaging
an Aston Martin owner.

-Mmm.
-They're the worst.

Never engage an Aston Martin
owners club person
in conversation.

Because they don't
talk in models.
They talk in chassis numbers.

-Oh, really?
Oh, I see he's got...

And they've obviously got
adenoid problem.

They all talk like John Major.

I've had a remarkable
experience...

Isn't it great?
Because John Major
turned up on the scene

everyone's Wally voice
was John Major's.

Oh, I've got horrendous
trouble with my gearbox.

And then this man arrived
as prime minister and he said,

"Hello, I'm going
to run the country
for the next six years."

And it was the Wally voice
from your childhood.

But they still...
The Wally voice still exists

I think, in any
classic car environment.

Oh, I know
you're only being...

'Cause sometimes,
we actually choose
the co-driver out of a hat.

And I know
that's your idea of hell.

-But it's quite nice,
because you...
- You do what?

We choose the co-driver's name
out of a hat.

So you could end up with
friendly men with beard.

You could. Absolutely.

But more often than not,
you end up with friendly man
with beard's wife.

-Which is actually quite fun.
-Also with beard.

Yes, absolutely.

I'll tell you what.

We were thinking
the other day about, um...

Inappropriate people
for reading out
really heavy-duty car stuff.

And since you're here,
can you just read those out
in the style, starting with...

That first bit,
can you read it
in the style of Julian Clary?

-And this is kosher
car reviews?
-Yeah, that's all come out...

That all comes off magazines.
Okay?

-But Julian Clary reading.
-This is in the style
of Julian Clary.

A muscle car
needs a big unit.

Which is why the Firebird
runs a 400 cubic inch V8

hooked to a
four-on-the-floor
transmission.

And to show you are
packing real power,

two bonnets scoops
literally ram air
into the carburettor.

Now, let's hit Prince Charles
for the final bit.

This...
This maxed-out Civic...

...runs a seriously
tricky intake
and hardcore nitrous kit.

I think we should switch
to Nelson Mandela.

Whilst the slamming ICE...

...is all about a pack
of ear-splitting,
deep dish 12-inch-subs.

Fantastic!

Now, God.

I'll tell you who I think
talks the funniest
of the lot...

-The police.
-Yeah.

Have you noticed that?

Where do they learn to talk
that language that they do?

Traffic police.
It's a strange thing.

I was done once
for speeding,
it was in Barnes.

And it was when
Pride and Prejudice
was on the telly.

And I was trying
to get home for 9:00

and I was doing,
I think, 35
in a 30-mile-an-hour limit.

-Oh, no!
-I know. True.

So anyway,
you know they stop you

and you know
how they take
a very, very long time.

And I said,
"Look, I'm so sorry.

"It's just that
Pride and Prejudice
starts at 9:00

"and I was just
trying to get home.

"I know, it was
really stupid..."

"All in good time, sir.
All in good time."

And then he looks
around the tyres,

looks around
the back of the car
and then...

I don't know who
writes these speeches.

He then came back and he said,

"Well, Mr Bremner,
I shall let you on your way,"
he said.

"Far be it from me
to keep you
from the classics."

Why can't they speak?

There is a training college
in Oxfordshire where they are
taught this new dictionary.

It's bizarre.
Now anyway, listen.

You've been out
on our track. Obviously.

Fun, was it?

The track was fun.
The Liana was...
Was on the slow side.

And who'd like to see
some of Rory's practices?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-Yes?

Practices?
You didn't tell me
you were filming them.

No, we were
filming the practices.
Of course we were.

Let's have a look.

Here he comes. Quite fast.
Bit of a wobble.

Ooh!

-Look, what am I doing
with my hands?

That's exactly
what happened
to Sanjeev last week.

And you've held it together.

Unlike him,
who ended up going backwards.

But as far as the lap
itself is concerned...

-Uh...
-Pleased?

Yeah...
It's one of those...

You're given
a couple of laps
and it was...

You're not given a couple.
How many laps
were you allowed to do?

-Nine.
-Nine, you see.

Would you like to see
the results of this
nine laps? Yes?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's run the lap.

Go, go, go!

CLARKSON: Ooh,
that's quite tidy
through there.

That's a dangerous corner,
that one.

-Really, I'm impressed.
-Hardly!

No, look at that!
That's the tightest
I've ever seen.

That's better. Go!

-CLARKSON:
That's less satisfactory.

BREMNER: From the inside.

You all right, instructor?

CLARKSON: Okay, this is
the follow-through.

Scary corner,
you can do it flat-out.

-Were you flat-out
through there?
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: Good man.

-What's this,
second to last?
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: That's like
threading a needle at
a 100 miles an hour.

You've got that one,
a tank slapper. Through...

BREMNER: I lost it here.

Ooh, very good,
and across the line!

Now...

-How do you think you've done?
-Somewhere in front
of Richard Whiteley.

-Where was he?
-Somewhere, ah...

Whiteley! Somebody's stolen
Whiteley from the board!

Or maybe he's dropped
off the floor.

Enfield's sitting at
the bottom. Now, Whiteley's
two minutes, six seconds.

-Oh.
-Unbelievable.

-Well, I'm going to have
to spell your name wrong...
-Why?

-Well because I did
Sanjeev wrong last week.
-Oh, right.

So you can have
the double "E's" that
I should have put in his name.

-Goody.
-You could be "Roree."

-I've been called worse.
-You did it in
one minute forty.

So very fast.

Seven. Point nine.

Oof. Oof!

You are the second
fastest person ever
to go round the track!

I thought it was way down!

No!

Look at that!

And I've gotta say...
And not just doing it,

but actually joking around
with the Murray Walker stuff
in the process.

Well I had to do that.
But it's a... I'm surprised.

Have you ever..."Surprised"?
I love the underplay!

-"Oh, I'm surprised."
-No!

I was,
because you've got no idea!

People say, used to say,
"How's that? How's that?"
They go, ooh...

No, that was...
You can just tell
that was a tidy lap.

Have you ever actually met
Murray Walker?

Yes, I have.
We did a conference together.
We had to introduce him.

And I said to him, 30 years
of motor racing commentary,
who's the one person that

stands out as the most
impressive person
you've ever met

in the whole years
of motor racing?

I thought he'd say,
you know, Fangio
or Jackie Stewart,

or Ayrton Senna, and he said,

"Jim Rosenthal."

Bless him! Bless him, really!
But anyway, thank you very
much for coming and, uh,

-that's an impressive
time, Rory.
-Well, I'm amazed.

-You can have a drink now!
-That's... I'm surprised.

-Thank you very much.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Rory Bremner!

That's very good.

Now we spent the first half of
the show looking at a couple
of German cars,

neither of which,
frankly, pass muster.

So we thought it'd a good
opportunity now to
look at what the

British architect is up to.

MG Rover, of course, aren't
exactly the largest

or the richest car
company in the world
right now.

Which is why they've
got together with some
Indians to build this.

The City Rover.
Now at 6,900 quid,
it is too expensive,

particularly as,
well, it's rubbish.

But fortunately, they have
put together another car.

And that one,
well,
put it this way,

Jeremy was
up at the crack
of dawn to try it.

CLARKSON :
This fabulous-looki ng
two-seater is the MG SV.

Now as Richard said,
Rover's not exactly flush
with cash at the moment,

so this car was designed and
engineered by just six guys,

using whatever they could
lay their hands on.

The chassis is made in Italy.

The old carbon fibre body is
shaped on the Isle of Wight.

The 4.6 litre V8 engine comes
from the Ford Mustang
in America.

And then the whole thing is
nailed together in
the West Midlands.

Inside, it's pretty much
as you'd expect. Hopeless.

I've got no satellite
navigation, no electric
seats, no airbag.

And while there is
a third gear...

I don't really have
the strength to engage it.

Furthermore, this window
doesn't go all the way down,
as you can see.

The anti-lock brakes
are broken, there's
nowhere to put my left leg,

the dashboard looks
like I made it,

and half the time the dials
come over all Longbridge-ish
and go on strike.

Now you might think that this
is somehow in keeping
with the MG thing.

Bit of baler twine here,
a beard there,
an allotment shed,

and you're away.

Yes, but this car has been
designed to compete with

Porches and Lamborghinis.

The base model, the cheapest,
is going to be £75,000.

Now at this point, the Germans
are probably rolling around
on the floor laughing.

"So, ze Tommies have mad ein
car out of spit und Kleenex.

"Zey will be crushed."

But then of course the last
time they underestimated us,

they came up
against the spitfire.

CLARKS ON: Listen to
that Merlin soundtrack.

This car has one of
the world's great engines,

a big gurgling V8
with huge torque.

And an even huger thirst.

Flat out at 165 miles an hour,

this car is using
a kilo of fuel every minute.

That's jet fighter
consumption.

But then it goes
like a jet fighter!

It's got that light-weight
carbon fibre body,
so it weighs nothing.

And you can have as much power
as you want.

No, really. The standard car,
the base model, produces
320 brake horsepower.

This one, with a few tweaks,
offers up 400.

But they will sell you a
nitrous kit that takes

it up to
1,000 brake horsepower

A thousand!

And you needn't worry
about the chassis not
being able to take that

kinda grunt either,
because it's poised,
its balanced,

-but most of all,
it is just so much fun!

Oh, yes! Whoa-ho-ho!

Whoa, this is just terrific!

God, just imagine
how good it would be
if you could get third!

Now I'd love to say
at this point that when you've
finished clowning around,

it turns into
a comfortable cruiser.

But it doesn't.

It's always a hard riding,
hard charging,
hard drinking bruiser.

And when I say bruiser...

I have now finished recording
everything I need
to say in this car,

but, well, I...

No harm in a couple... Whoa!

Ow!

Did, uh...

Did you bang your head
a bit there, Jeremy?

You did! That was lovely.
In fact, shall we
watch it again?

Yeah! Let's have a look
at this lovely moment.

Whoa... Ow!

I'm really enjoying that.
Can we see it again?

Maybe better angle?
Just to make sure. Let's have
another look as the...

-Clarkson's skull...
-Whoa... Ow!

That's like...
I could watch that all day.

They'd like to see in
slow motion while we're at it.
Might as well.

Let's see it in slow...
The Clarkson skull moves...
Oh!

That's the best
bit of TV all year!

Do that,
you'll straighten
them out, Jeremy.

I want that on my computer
when I switch it on
in the morning.

I'm back.

Yes, just.

So, I bet you wish
you had driven the City thing
over there, now.

-City Rover.
-That's the fella.

No, no, because
this was fabulous.

I mean, I know it did the
unprovoked assault
on the side of my head...

And I thank it for that.

But the noise,
and the looks, and the speed
and the handling.

Absolutely adored it.

The only problem is

it's like... I don't know
how much they spent
developing it...

Five million quid maybe.
Whatever. If they'd just spent
another 50p on the interior.

-It is a case of heap
of the tar bullshit.
-It is a heap of the tar.

I was wrecking it. But I...
Sort of, "Oh, well," you know.

"That'll do,
that'll be all right, because
it's better than my house."

Every penny spent on
that bit of carbon fibre

right there by your head
was money well spent.

But it does sound
a lot like a TVR, in feeling.
You know, noisy and different.

Yes. Except
a TVR has got
a better interior than this,

and actually I think a TVR
will be more reliable.

Just how bad was that
knock on the head?

-You are still concussed!
-Mmm.

At £75,000 for this, as well,
a TVR's gonna be cheaper.

-75 grand.
-I know, you'd have to
knock your head.

-Yes.
-No, it still doesn't make...

Do it again. Keep going.

Yes, there we go!

Ooh, I want both
of them now.

You'd really have to knock
yourself senseless to
pay for that.

Unless, of course,
it turns out to be really
quick round the track.

If it can go around
quicker than a Porsche GT3
or a BMW CSL,

then it would be worth
that kind of outlay.

So literally its future is
hanging by a thread
on how it does on our track.

It is hanging in the balance,
and we will find out

how it does
later on in the programme.

But first, the burnout.

HAMMOND: Now,
this is a burnout.

It's not difficult, really,
rev the engine,
keep your foot on the brake.

Make as much smoke as you can,
all your mates cheer and jeer.

Look at that,
they're really pleased.

And look at all that smoke.
Marvellous.

See, it's really not
that difficult.

And to put it
into perspective,

we've got one of our charts
here. This actually shows
the ascent of man.

So, we started down here
as apes.

And then over millions of
years, we evolved,

through the Willman era,
through the Subaru Impreza
driver era,

until we get here,
upright-walking modern man
as we know him today.

Capable of thought
and general, brilliant stuff.

So who wants to imagine where
we might put the burnout
driver on this chart?

Where do we think
he might appear?

I mean, you know,
kind of up here,
or maybe down here,

or down here.
Well, I can tell you,
actually,

it's here, there he is,
you see.

There he is.

In what we like to call
the Nova SR ice age.

So we know people at that end
can do it.

What about people up
towards this end?

Can clever people do burnouts?

And I mean really clever.

Like boffin clever.

The first contestant
in our brain box burnout
is Heinz Wolff,

professor of bioengineering
at Brunel University.

Competing against him
is Brian Sewell, Britain's
brainiest art critic.

And finally,
Professor Colin Pillinger,

the country's leading
expert on planetary and space
science research.

And this is the car
the eggheads will be
burning out, a Nissan 300 ZX

with 480 brake horsepower,
a competition clutch,
and twin 10-inch subwoofers.

So there we are,
Britain's brightest brains
focused on mankind's

most mindless activity.

I think what
I like about it is

it's part of
a mechanic ballet.

-It has brakes?
-Yes.

That's why no woman
should ever drive a car.

They simply
don't understand how
these things mesh together.

So, it's accelerator,
clutch, brake.

No, accelerator,
brake, clutch.

We didn't foresee this,
they're still
asking questions.

This could take hours.

HAMMOND: First up,
Brian Sewell,

who wrote of
Botticelli's Portrait of
Smeralda Brandinelli,

"The background architecture
is an unconvincing fiction.

"The perspective absurdly
steep in its unnerving rush
into an unreal distance."

Very good.

Ooh!

HAMMOND : Not bad. And now it's
time for the massive IQ of
Professor Wolff.

I'm having distinct
clutch problems.

Now, graft... No. No.

I missed the brake
with my foot.

HAMMOND: Oh, dear.

He may know lots about the
composition of polyisoprenes,

but he can't mash his tyres.

And finally,
Professor Colin Pillinger,
a real rocket scientist.

Yes!

That's a burnout.

That's a burnout!

That was very impressive.

Um, you may have noticed
one missing, that's because
Professor Heinz Wolff

was so gutted at not doing
desperately well,
he had to rush off home

and invent something
to console himself.

-We have still
got two, though.
-Yes.

And I would just like to
say what a great
pleasure it is for me

to have people on my
intellectual plane
for a change.

I know where this is going.
I know what
you're about to say.

"Because I'm a doctor!"

I am a doctor.

-No you're not!
Can I just explain?
-I am a doctor.

Jeremy got his
doctorate one morning in his
packet of cornflakes.

I did not! I got it from
Brunel University.

They gave me a doctorate.

He went to a party,
they gave him a badge that
said "I am a doctor" on it.

-Okay.
-Ever since, we've had to
call him "The Doctor."

Can I just say, I think
we're agreed on this,

as man becomes more
civilized, as time passes,

he gets taller, doesn't he?

Oh, for crying out loud!

This is puerile.
Big brains, puerile stuff.

And, obviously,
Professor Heinz Wolff,
it must be said,

came very much third.

In second place, Brian Sewell,

it was a magnificent effort,
very well done.

If it's any consolation,

if it's any consolation
yours looked better,

it had perhaps
more artistic flair to it.

-Thank you.
-Very well making up there.

Nevertheless, the winner,

I think we're all
agreed on this, with
a magnificent performance,

Colin Pillinger, everybody!
Your award!

Well done.

Well done!

Now there's just one
more thing I'd like to say
before we go.

Colin here, you really are a
rocket scientist, aren't you?

Because your Beagle 2
Mars lander will be landing
on the Red Planet on...

Christmas Day
2.54 a.m. in the morning.

2.54? So it's not
a question of shall we watch
the Queen's speech

or shall we watch pictures
from my car on Mars?

AM! Queen is on PM. Remember?

I mean, fingers crossed
that goes well.

But I would just like to say,
you're gonna beat
the Americans, aren't you?

We'll be there first.

Ladies and gentlemen, for that
a big round of applause!

Well done.

Now, while we were
planning this programme
about German cars,

a bit of a row
broke out in the office.

What's the best British car?

Has anyone got any thoughts?
What do we think is the best
contemporary British car?

Hold on a sec. The what?

TVR.

TVR is a good car.
No denying that.
Anyone else?

-Aerial Atom.
-Aerial Atom.
That's not really a car.

That's sort of a bed spread
with a motorcycle engine
in the back of it.

XKR. Yeah.

XKR, now that is a Jaguar.

Jaguar's owned by Ford,
which is an American company.

And it's same story with
Rolls-Royce and Bentley,
they're German.

And it's the same,
Aston Martin
are American.

-Absolutely.
-Anyone else
got any thoughts?

-Nissan, what?
-Nissan Micra.

Now, you see...

The Nissan Micra comes
in boxes from Japan,

and they put one screw in it

in a place called
the North East and then
call it British. It isn't.

It's not as easy as
you might think.

So, obviously, we had to
get out on the track

if ever we were gonna
sort this one out.

So, the best British car.
Well it's gonna have
to be beautiful,

built by blokes in a shed
and preferably powered
by a big engine.

It's gonna have to be this.
The Morgan Plus 8.

HAMMOND : Now straight away,
if you're thinking,
"It looks old," forget it!

This is how a Morgan looks
and always has. Why change it?

This car isn't assembled.
It's crafted.

There's as much passion
goes into building it as you
can put into driving it.

Do they, um, still make those
out of wood?

Yep. Engine's out
of an old boat.

You've got to get
past thinking, "Ooh,
it's old-fashioned!"

It's made from wood
because wood is the best
thing to make it from.

Suspension is there to do
one thing and one thing only.

Keep the wheels on the ground.

And now a bit of
flex in the chassis
helps you to do exactly that.

Ooh, then it gets bumpy
sometimes and it just...
Come on!

And, of course, that engine...

4-litre, well-proven Rover V8.

Best of all, not only is it as
beautiful as the Morven Hills
in which it's built,

it's fast!

Oh, look!
Jeremy's brought
a plastic car!

CLARKSON : This is
the Noble M12 GTO.

The new one with
the twin turbo 3-litre engine.

I've got a bit of an idea.

Richard, do you fancy a race?

-Yeah, I'm always up for that.
-Good.

Little loop round here
and I reckon,

I can get back here,
get out of the car,

and read a book
before you finish.

That's just a ridiculous
thing to say.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Ooh, what's that speck
in my rearview mirror?
Why, it's the Morgan!

With time to spare!
But then, I have got
352 brake horsepower,

he's only got 190.
I go from 0-60 in 3.7 seconds.

That's faster than
any Lamborghini.

He takes 6.5.
I have a top speed of 170,
what's your top speed?

-135.
-135.

That is not a book.

Look, I could have read
Pride and Prejudice,
but this better, this is

A Very Hungry Caterpillar.

You should read it.
It comes with a toy. Just...

Make sure
it doesn't eat your chassis.

CLARKS ON: This car is plasti c.

It has a stupid rear
spoiler and it's made by

a company no one's
ever heard of

on an industrial estate
in Leicestershire.

So for posing it's hopeless,
but for the undiluted
thrill of driving,

it's almost impossible to
to do better.

Yes, yes, yes.

God, I love this thing!

I drive lots of cars
but, you know,

very little puts such a big
smile on my face as this.

You know when you see someone
water skiing, how they arc

through the water with total
grip and total control.

Well, that is what
it's like driving a Noble.

Except, of course, in this
you have the incredible

soundtrack of that engine,
those two turbos,

sucking in great lungfuls of
air and then dumping it
through the waste gate.

You could get into this
after your dog had died
and all would be well.

Whoops-a-daisy!

This car just shows how
good Britain could be.

If we just stop pretending
that it's 1936, and just go,

"Right, it's 2003. We don't
use typewriters any more.

"And boy, can we make
something good."

And yet, despite this
precision and this handling
genius, it's comfortable.

Good air conditioning,
I got a stereo.

I got lots of space,
it's nicely trimmed,
there are leather seats.

What more could you want?

He just misses the point.

He's reduced
the whole thing to
a mathematical equation.

That's not a car.
It's a calculator!

They've brought
the wrong cars.

Actually, you know what?
I think they've brought
the wrong type of car.

MAY: I'm not denying
that Britain makes
good sports cars,

but the best British car is
actually a comfortable saloon.

Let me explain.

This Rover 75 might look as if
it came out of the 1950s but,

in many ways,
it's the right car
for modern Britain.

Now, I'm a big fan of
modern Britain,

but let's think about
what it means
to the motorists.

It's sleeping policemen,

gatsos, congestion,

broken-up road surfaces,

all that sort of stuff,
stress...

Now, when you're faced
with that, what do you want?

0-60 in five, four,
three seconds?

Louvres on your bonnet?
I don't think so.

You want peace. That's what
the Rover gives you. Peace.

There's nothing raucous
about its V6 engine.

It rides more smoothly than
a Rolls-Royce Corniche,

and it's trimmed like
a first-class cabin

on the Titanic,
before it sank.

When Jeremy drives a car,
he drives a car like this.

In fact, even when he's just
talking about a car,
he does this.

Hammond talks about barrelling
along in his Morgan.
I don't wanna barrel!

I want to waft!

Clearly we weren't going to
agree without an informed and
reasoned discussion.

The Rover is a proper symbol
of British defiance.

The reason why Britain has
no car in history any more,

why all the names have gone,
it's because
we live in the past.

-We used to be
a great country.
-HAMMOND: Now, look.

The Noble has come along
and said, "We're now
in the 21st century,

"let's build a car
to beat the world."

HAMMOND: No,
I could build your car,
I couldn't build a Morgan.

-You could!
You could carve that!
-No, I couldn't!

-A chisel. Like this.
-You'd need...
It's craftsman built.

Not some spotty teenager
with a rivet gun!

Now the problem with
the Morgan is

it's just a car they forgot
to stop making in the '40s.

-No, that's entirely wrong.

The problem with
the Noble is, the engine's
in the wrong place.

You will admit this is
a beautiful car.

-MAY: It's all right.
-No. I wouldn't admit that.

-MAY: It's a toy. Not a car.
-HAMMOND: Exactly.

CLARKS ON: We still couldn 't
agree, so we thought we'd try
each other's cars.

-Pathetic horn, I mean,
listen to that!

"Get out the way!"

You tuck your pension book
into that little
strap thing there.

Whoa!

Now, that is
terrifyingly quick!

But, I quite fancy...

I dunno, a nice relaxing
ride in a Rover.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

I bloody nearly
fell out of it!

I swear, Hammond...
Sometimes...

I don't understand that boy.

-What?
-I'll tell you what!

-Do you live in a house
or a barn?
-A house.

-Do you sleep on a bed
or on a bale of straw?
-Oh... A bed, obviously.

Come on, this is
a bathroom appliance.

-It is not!
-It's plastic!

Okay, okay, I'll tell
you what we'll do.
No more arguing.

We'll put it to
the vote, okay?

So, we're a democracy
all of a sudden?

-Yeah, we're a democracy now.
-That's a first.

Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have a show of hands,
please, for the Rover 75!

That's three, James.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,
show of hands, please,
for the mighty Morgan.

Ooh, that's not bad.

That's all
the elderly gentlemen.

And can we just round this
one off now please,
for the Noble.

Yes!

There you go, a complete
wipe out, the best British
car or is it?

Earlier on, I tried the MG SV.

And we reckoned it would
be worth £75,000

if it could go out on
our track and give the Germans
a bloody nose.

So, let's fire him up.

Colonel Fotherington
Digby Stigby.

CLARKS ON: So, the ve ry
greatness of Britain

resting on his shoulders,
the Stig is away.

And the track is dry today
so the MG has the best

possible chance
to give a good drubbing.

CLARKS ON: That's German musi c!
The treacherous Stig's
listening to Beethoven!

Although he probably knows it
simply as the tune
from the IBM ad.

That looked ragged out
of Chicago there,
what about Hammerhead?

Ooh, understeer
on the way in there...

And then... What have we got?
A little bit of oversteer.
This isn't all that brilliant.

Must be honest.

Coming down to
the follow-through.
Scary corner, this.

Very scary. And look at the
dive under braking.

Almost here,
the stifled laughter

echoing around Stuttgart's!

Okay, second to last corner.
Can the Stig make
it 1945 again?

Or even just 1966 would do!
Across the line!

-Now, this is what it's
really got to be!
-Yep.

M3 CSL, 1 minute 28, dead.

911 GT3, 1.27.2,
and they were done
on wet tracks.

-Yeah.
-It did it.

Go on!

One minute twenty
eight point six.

The Spitfire has lost to
the Messerschmitts.

So how about this for an idea?

We put some nitrous on it
and have a rematch? Yes?

That's a good idea,
we'll do that one day.

For now, goodnight!