Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Is the Toyota Hilux Really indestructible? Part 2 - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight,
Richard drives
a pair of wheeled accessories.

I discover if the Australians
are better at cars
than they are at rugby.

And James tries to finish
the job of killing our Toyota.

Hello and welcome.

Now, we get a lot of letters
of complaint on Top Gear

from people with
sensible shoes

that we only do
fast, expensive cars.

So Mr Hush Puppy
and Mr Brogue, look at this.

It's the new Citroen C2.

It's a replacement
for the little Saxo

and coming up now
is my road test of it.



It's a little bit shorter
than the old Saxo,

which makes it easier
to deal with in
supermarket car parks.

And with a split-folding
rear tailgate
and a practical boot,

it's an ideal tool
for the weekly shop.

Of course, ever since the 2CV,
Citroen has been

the badge of choice for those
of a Guardian disposition.

So if you're the sort
of person who dines on tofu

and plays whale song
at dinner parties,

you'll love the diesel version
which does 78 miles
to the gallon.

Old people are going
to like the way
it's so easy to drive,

and the prices, too,
which start at just £7,500.

And, this being Citroen,
already there's a £500
cash back offer.

It's at the track where things
start to go wrong.

If you buy the hot version,
the 1.6VTR that I have here,



you have to have
a flappy paddle gearbox.

Which is horrid.

Into fourth.

And it's not
that electric to drive.

There's none of the
joie de vivre you used to get
from old hot Citroens.

It's a bit stodgy.

It's not that fast either.

For a car with
sporting pretensions,

121 miles an hour
is not really enough.

So, it's a wonderful car then
for everyone except the
thrusting young man

who wants to get a move on.

No.

Actually, it's thrusting
young men who are going
to like this car most of all.

Look at the details.

The gear lever
that seems to have come
from a sex shop.

The translucent trim.
The 12 million
gigawatt stereo.

And the bumf
which is full of words
like "wicked" and "cool".

And this, it seems,
is the language
of something called cruising,

which isn't what
I thought it was.

Every week
in every town in Britain,

thousands of young men gather
to smoke in a public place.

It's a baseline wall
of baseball hats and noise.

This, it turns out,
is cruising.

Oh, look at that one!

The Mitsubishi L200 van.

This cruising thing,
what's it about?

-What's it about?
-Yeah.

It's about flexing, man.

-It's about what?
-Flexing. Having a
good time and all.

-Flexing?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-What the
are you on about?
-I know, man.

What is flexing?

MAN: Flexing means
winding, basically.

-It means winding.
-MAN: Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know why...

CLARKSON: I'm none the wiser.

-We're flexing, we're winding.
-MAN: Hey, I've got cameras.

Does anybody here
speak English?

Does anybody
speak English here?

-MAN: Showing off. Yeah.
-Showing off?

This man speaks English!

"Flexing" and "winding"
means showing off.

An Astra?
With a six-grand stereo in it?

-Your car's on fire.

CLARKSON: Small Citroens
became gods to this lot.

Street heroes.
Better even than girls.

There were three reasons
for that.

One, they were cheap.
Two, they were forever
being offered

with free insurance,
which when you're
19 years old,

is more important
than life itself.

And three, they were
easy to modify.

It all started with the Saxo,
which caught Citroen
by surprise.

They had no idea
that this little car

would become the darling
of the cruise scene.

DAN ANSLOW: I've seen
Saxos that have had 40,
50 grand spent on them.

I don't know how
the Saxo took off as it did.
It just kind of exploded.

And once a car gets popular,
then more and more people
are doing more stuff for it

so you can get
these great bumpers
and great suspension kits

and then, engine upgrades.
And it's just
one of those cars

that wears its modifications
really nicely.

And nine times
out of ten they look
stunning modified, you know.

How much did your Saxo cost?

I spent about nine buying it

and around 12,000 doing it up.

CLARKSON: So it's
a £21,000 car?

-That's the...
-At the moment.

-Whoa. You're gonna do more?
-Eventually, yeah.

This market
is now so vast

that when Citroen were
designing this thing
about 18 months ago

they actually brought one here
and said to these guys,
"Is it okay? Do you like it?"

I bet they never did that
when the tree-huggers
were buying their cars.

They're taking all the stuff
that we're doing to ours,
our older cars,

and now they're doing it
on production cars,
aren't they?

-Is that a bad thing?
-No.

CLARKSON: What it does mean,
though, is that the C2's
big wheels and wheel arches,

its translucent
sex-aid gear lever,

the trillion-watt stereo,
all of it will be ripped out

and replaced with the next
generation of modifications.

I came with a Citroen C2

and I want to know
what you would do to it
if you had one.

-I would supercharge it.
-Supercharge it.

-That's right.
-Turbo charge it.
Put a V8 in it.

Roll cage in, and put nitros
through the works.

-MAN 2: Engine in the boot.
-Put the engine in the boot?

-And then make it
4-wheel drive.

Is this how it starts?
Is this your little thing,

"Well, we've got an idea.
Let's go and do it."

-ALL: Yeah.
-And then, what?

You go and hold up
a post office or something?

ALL: No, no, no!

-That makes me feel
very sad there.
-Why?

Well, I just wished
that we'd had flexing
and winding when we were kids

'cause I love this
whole modifying scene.
I think it's brilliant.

Mmm. We did
have cruising, though.

I know, but that meant going
to a gentlemen's lavatory
and that's...

-MAY: Yeah...

Anyway. Citroen C2.

Things I like about it.

It's already available
with free insurance.

I like the fact
it's smaller than the Saxo
that it replaces.

I love this split-folding
rear tailgate like you get
on a Range Rover.

And, already there's
a new model called the GT
which has a 1.6 litre engine

and you don't have to have
the flappy paddle gearbox rod.

Thank God for that.

The only drawback
so far as I can see

is that Citroen
never does terribly well
in reliability surveys.

No, they don't.
And it has to be said

that our favourite small car,
which is still
the Toyota Yaris,

that generally does
pretty well.

It does. It does.

So we would still say
that if you are a young man

who wants to modify his car,
or a Guardian reader,
or a normal person, um...

The...
The Yaris is probably still
your best bet.

And the Yaris does comes
with free insurance.

And your dealer will tell you
that that's only until
December 19th,

but don't worry.
We know better.
That'll be extended.

It will be extended.

And...
And that's a smooth link.

We like a smooth link
on Top Gear.

He's talking about Toyota
and now we're gonna talk

about our pick-up truck.

You may remember
we bought one
a couple of weeks ago.

The idea was, we were
going to see if you could
actually destroy it.

We tried drowning it
in the Bristol Channel.

We smashed it through the
Top Gear production office.

Dropped a caravan on it.

We hit it with one
of those wrecking balls.

And then, we set fire to it.

And it still survived.

Now, we concluded after that

that it was
pretty much unkillable.

Trouble is though, you see,
we were thinking laterally
about this.

And what we needed to do
was think vertically.

This is Rachel Point
tower block in Hackney,
East London.

Former home
to around 200 people,

23 storeys of late 1960s
dream housing.

Well, in a few minutes
this monument
to miserable Britain

will be reduced
to a pile of rubble.

The building
is meticulously laced
with high explosives.

When they go off,
this street in the sky

will be brought down
to earth with a bang.

"Ah," you're thinking,
"I bet they've parked

"the old Toyota
right next to it,"

but you'd be wrong,
because we've come up
with something much better.

That's 240 feet up.

We're really not
mucking about this time.

There are 12,500 tonnes
of cancelled concrete
in this building.

Nothing can possibly survive
what is about to happen here.

-MAY: Do you think
it'll survive?
-No.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

Could just disappear
in with the pile.

Yeah, but what have you done?
You've set fire to it,

you've hit it
with a wrecking ball,
you put it in the sea.

I think this'll probably
finish it off.

BOY: It's not gonna survive.

-Do you wanna bet? How much?
-Yeah. £10.

Yeah, I'll have
a tenner with you.

But you won't be able
to drive it away.

-This is gonna get
expensive, isn't it?
-It is.

MAY: Right. Here we go.

MAN OVER RADIO:
Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

-You can't stop it there!

-HAMMOND: You've got
to be joking!
-Why have you stopped it?

-I'll show you
what happened later.
-HAMMOND: That's evil!

-It stops people turning
over to Heartbeat.

-HAMMOND: Right.

-Well, let's do the news then.
-Yeah, that should do it.

Okay, news. This week...

This week in fact,
it has become illegal
to use your mobile phone

in the car, as we know.
You're not allowed to call...

-Has it? Oh,
I didn't know that.
-Yeah. Yes, yes...

You may have heard...
May have heard me
mention of this.

Um, but apparently,

it's not legal to talk
on your telephone,

but you can
still send text messages.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

The police can still do you
for reckless driving,
as always.

But under the new laws,

texting genuinely
isn't covered.

If it's on your dashboard
in a little holder,

-you know the...
The usual things.
-Yeah.

You can still...

-Drive along and text?
-Yeah.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have a
terrible crash... Ooh! I have.

There was a...
There was
a marvellous thing,

I was listening
to Radio 2 this week...

No? Nobody seems to mind.

Yes, it's a very good
radio station.

And there was
a marvellous letter on it

from a guy who said
that he thinks this new law
is a very good idea,

because he said
he'd seen a woman

driving along on the
middle lane of the motorway,
on the mobile phone,

she'd veered in front of him,

causing him drop
his razor into his cornflakes,

which had splashed
all over his crossword

-and ruined his day.
-HAMMOND: Well, you know,
that just...

-So, I think the mobile phone
ban's a very good idea.
-They're lethal.

-Yeah. They are lethal.
-HAMMOND: Sending texts!

Um... Moving on,

I'd just like to say
at this stage, if I may,
that the Ford Fusion,

we've been very unkind
about it in recent weeks,
I think it's a very good car.

Er... The Ford C-Max, which is
a slightly taller version

-of the Focus is,
great car.
-Really?

Really? Jeremy,

would this have anything
to do with this missive

that we received in

-in the Top Gear
office recently?
-Oh...

-Well, what is that?
-Well, it's about the
Ford GT.

Apparently, 2,150 people

-have put their name down
to buy one of these...
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

-HAMMOND: Including you.
-Yeah.

Er... But Ford
have announced in this

that only 101 GTs
will now be brought
into Europe.

-Oh, I didn't know that.
-More to the point.

They're not gonna decide...
They're not gonna decide

who gets one
by pulling names out of a hat.
Oh, no!

They're going to decide
just to let them go
to people they like.

Oh, really?

-People who perhaps
haven't said...
-I was unaware of...

-I was unaware of that.
-Yeah.

HAMMOND: People who...

People who maybe haven't said
nasty things about their cars.

Jeremy, I'm wondering
if you are the same
Jeremy Clarkson who said,

"I'd rather go to work
on my hands and knees

"than drive there
in a Ford Galaxy."

-CLARKSON: No. I said...

I was young and foolish
when I wrote that.

"Whoever designed
the Ford Galaxy upholstery

"had a cauliflower fixation."

Yeah. Again, again,
I've grown up a lot.

I can now see
the Galaxy is a superb...

"I would rather have
a vasectomy

"than buy a Ford Galaxy."

I repudiate, reject absolutely
any suggestion

that I'm going to compromise
my professionalism

and suck up to Ford
just so that I can

-get one of those, okay.
Got that clear?
-Today's...

Okay. Now, do you remember
a few weeks back

we looked at the VW Touraeg,
which we didn't like?

-HAMMOND: Yes. Yeah.
-Yeah, that's awful.

There is a new version out,
it's by some tuners
called Amped

who prepare Audi's
racing cars. Would you
like to have a look at it?

-Yes, please.
-Here it comes.

Is that not the most vulgar

and monstrous car
you have ever seen?

-I love it! It's fabulous!
-I think it's fantastic!

-No, you don't!
-I do!

-Look at the front end!
It's brilliant!
-It's glorious.

And I'll tell you
something else I know
about this, Richard, okay.

-You know it's got
the V10 diesel engine in it?
-HAMMOND: Yes.

So, they've tuned it up.
So it now develops more power
than the 4.6 litre petrol X5,

more than an SL, ML55...

-Yeah, the big Merc.
-CLARKSON: Merc.

And more than the Cayenne S.

-MAY: It's hideous.
-It's gonna go like stink!

CLARKSON: No.
That's brilliant.
MAY: It's revolting.

-It's got
big-drug-dealer wheels.
-Yes.

-22 inches of wheel!
-22!

Blacked-out windows for pimps.

It's just...
It's a superb car.

-You really like that?
-Yes.

-MAY: You think
that's fabulous.
-Yes.

Do you think
it's better than the
Ford Explorer, for example?

-Ooh. Good point.
-No, obviously not.

-It's not that good.
-HAMMOND: Right.

I want to talk about
insurance companies briefly.

-CLARKSON: Yeah.
-Stay with me, please.

That's not the most
promising start, I realise.

They've started recently
using lie detectors, so...

They use them over telephones,
so that when people try

and con them out of money,
you know, say,
tell them lies,

they can find out.

Er... The latest company
to start doing that is esure.

And I can tell them
it's a good decision
to start using those,

because another insurance
company has said

since they introduced
lie detectors
on their telephones,

the number of cars,
25%, in fact,

25% of cars
reported as stolen
have come back!

-They've just come back!
-What? Is it

that I reported it
stolen last week,

-before you got
your lie detectors...
-HAMMOND: It's come back!

I've just looked
in my garage. It's there.

Just while I was trying
to move the curtains,

and there it was all along.
It's amazing, isn't it?

Alistair Darling. I'm sure
you've read it in the papers

that he has announced
that yes, there are too many
speed cameras in Britain.

And what's more, the
Department for Transport

has said that if we write in
complaining about

an inappropriately sighted
speed camera, they'll do
something about it.

So, to save you the trouble,
we've had a special map made,

-showing where...

all the inappropriate
speed cameras are.

I think you've got
them all, then.

I think you've got the lot.

I've got a...
I've got a great letter here

that was in one
of the newspapers...
Last weekend.

And it's from a retired
police officer.

And he spent 30 years
basically working out
what causes car crashes.

And he says
it's got nothing to do

with slight infringements
of the speed limit.

Causes he'd
most readily identify are

-careless right turn...
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

Aggressive high-speed driving,

the born-again biker,

you two,
poor vehicle maintenance,

drink-driving
and the very elderly.

-HAMMOND: We could
have told you that.
-You think, that's the truth!

-Somebody talking sense.
-It's not people doing 34!

My mother...

My mother has
a speeding conviction!

-She's... She honestly
considered suicide!

-The shame!
-I mean, look,

she's a hundred
and twenty twelve.

And she's got
a speeding conviction

for doing 32 miles an hour!

Right, that's enough news.
What are we doing next?

-Oh, he's got a link.
-I'll tell you what...

I'll tell you what
we are doing next.

Earlier on, we saw Jeremy

looking at a street hero car
for people who like to flex

and wind, whatever that is.

But what happens
if you're the kind of person

who has to have the
latest titanium palmtop
coffee machine?

What are you gonna go for?

You can forget the likes
of Ford and Honda.

Wrong badge.
Wrong message.

You need something with
a bit of style and pizazz,

but nothing
that requires effort.

So, the Alfas and TVRs
are out too.

But something has arrived
that might just do the job.

And would you look at those!

This is the Renault Megane CC.

And this is
the Peugeot 307 CC.

We'll take them both together
because they kind of look
the same, cost the same

and do the same.

And I've brought them
for a little drive
around London's Docklands,

the epitome of modern Britain.

Docklands was a wasteland
in the middle of nowhere.

Now, it's got fantastic
new developments,

but it's still in the
middle of nowhere.

The newcomers who live here,

they have no heritage,

no roots, no mention
in the Domesday Book.

They earn money,
they see stuff in shops
and they buy it.

That's just the way
most of us are.

Me, I'm partial to a shirt.

So just why are these cars
so modern Britain?

Well, for one thing
they're achingly fashionable,
inside and out,

with designer
touches everywhere.

Look at that.
The brushed aluminium
on matte black effect.

That's perfection
to a bloke, that is.

I'd have all my clothes

in brushed aluminium
on matte black if I could.

In catwalk terms then,
bang on.

And best of all,
you can pose in them
all year round.

The folding hardtop
used to be the preserve
of expensive Mercedes.

And then Peugeot introduced it
on the little 206 CC.

That became

the best-selling cabriolet
in Great Britain, instantly.

So it's a fair assumption
that these two are gonna sell
in their billions.

But if you're choosing
on the roof alone,
go for this Renault.

Because whereas
the Peugeot's roof
is made of mere tin,

on the Renault Megane
it's folding glass.

So, you can split them
on the roof.

But as for everything else,
it's Arsenal versus
Man United.

Both have 2 litre
engines with around
140 brake horsepower,

both cost around £18,000,

both have chrome gear knobs.

And with some cars,
you see them and say,
"That's a man's car."

Or a girl's car.

But these...
These are neither, really.

They're kind of in the middle.

Perhaps verging a little bit
on the girly.

So, all things to all people,
for all seasons.

But there's one thing missing.

Neither of them
is a sports car.

So if it's a full-out B-road
blaster you're looking for,
look elsewhere.

All that clever
folding roof gubbins
has made them heavy.

They weigh more than the moon.

You can get a 180 brake
horsepower version
in the Peugeot,

but even that takes
10 seconds to hit 60.

So wherever you're going,
you'll not be
going there quickly.

But that's okay,
'cause it's harder
to window-shop at high speed.

Shops. Lots of shops.

But for all their glamour,
I don't like these cars.

It's not because they're slow,
it's because they are
just fashion nonsense.

Mobile phones on wheels.
There's just nothing
really there.

They are off-the-peg
designer merchandise,

bottled glamour,
flat-screen tellies.

Looks is everything.
It doesn't matter
how they work.

And what they do
is give the full,
instant consumer hit.

You see one of these cars,
you want it,
then you get it.

And for a while,
you're glad you've got it.

Then, in about a year,

when you've pressed
all the buttons

and all the gizmos
have gone whir,

you'll be bored with it.
But it doesn't matter,
because by then,

something else
will come along.

And do you know what?

Makes me sick
just thinking about it.

What makes you sick?

Cars as fashion items.
I like Land Rovers. Not these.

They're just bits
of fashion tinsel.

See, the thing is,
I've got much better reasons

for not liking this Peugeot

than the fashion-ness of it.

I mean, the roof, brilliant,

-no denying that.
-HAMMOND: It's very
clever, yeah.

-Look at the downside. Look,
no space in there at all!
-HAMMOND: None.

And it weighs so much.

I drove one of these
the other day... It's broken!

They both do it. I mean,
see, as we stand here,

both of these cars
are slowly sinking
into the floor.

They're that heavy.

So if I were to say to you,

"Okay, I'm gonna shave
your poodle..."

Right.

-"Unless you tell me which one

"you'd have?"

Which one,
or the poodle's bald?

-Bring on the razor, mate,
I'm afraid.
-Really?

Okay. Fair enough.
There's your answer.

Let's meet a guest, shall we?
I guess you've all seen
The Kumars at 42.

Well, now's your chance
to see one at 85,

'cause we're gonna
put him in the Liana.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sanjeev Bhaskar!

-How are you, mate?
-Very well, thank you.
How are you?

-Very well. Have a seat.
-Thank you.

CLARKSON: Now,

-the first question
is an obvious one.

When did you get
your first Datsun?

Well, I've had two.

Yeah.

Thanks. Thanks for bringing up
such a painful memory.

Actually,
the first Datsun, er,
second Datsun I had

coincided with the first bit
of telly I'd ever done

and I was parked outside
some studio,

still cock-a-hoop
about being on TV,
and I was parked on one side.

And without any kind
of notice whatsoever

a guy just got in and he said,
"Five quid, mate, it's just
around the corner."

And, I said "What?"
And he said, just,

"It's five quid, mate.
Just around the corner."

And I said,
"I'm not a cab driver,

"I'm on television."
And he went, "Who are ya?"

So where did your
car journey begin?

Well, well... Um...

I had a kind of nemesis
when I was very young,

which was Mr Hussein's son.

And

I remember the day
the whole car journey
started was...

I was about 17. 16, 17.
I was watching Top Cat,

and...

My dad came in
and he kind of
switched off the TV,

and he said,
"Mr Hussein's son's has just
taken the engine

"out of their Cortina,
polished it,

"taken it apart, polished it
and put it back."

And I said,
"Yeah, I've just missed
the end of Top Cat."

And so, they suggested,
when I said I wanted a car...

They suggested that
Mr Hussein's son, who was
just phenomenally practical.

Um... They said,
"Why don't you go with him
to an auction?"

I said, "Okay."
So we went to this auction.

And this green
Morris Marina
turned up.

-And the guy said...
-You just, "No! No!"

No! No!

If it was yours,
it was a lovely car.

And they said, "Let's start
the bidding at £200."

And... It got 250, 300, 350.

And Mr Hussein's son
said to me, he said,

"You should get
some practice in."

So he said, "Do I hear 350?"
I sort of went like that...

And he said, "Do I hear 400?"

"Do I hear 400?"

I'm thinking,
"I don't want it!"
It was too late.

It's kind of, "Do I hear 400?
Going once, twice,
three times.

"Sold to the
scared gentleman
in the third aisle."

So I ended up
with this green Morris Marina
that was just crap.

So, what have you got now?

I've got... I've got
a Peugeot 406. That's a...

-No, loads of people
have got. Which one?
-Coupe.

-I've got
the 2.2 Coupe. Yeah.
-Oh, the Coupe.

That doesn't strike me
as being a particularly

Indian choice of car.

You picked your words
very carefully there.

-Well, I mean,
I've been to India.
-Oh, yeah.

And it seems to me
that size is what
matters there.

The larger the car,
the kind of better it is.

And yet you've gone
for something smaller.

Yeah... There's two aspects
to that. One is that in India,
size doesn't matter.

If you need to get 18 people
in the car, you can.

-That's the first thing.
-Yeah.

The second thing about...
It's my mate, Joe,

who kid of deals in Peugeots
who kind of said,

"406," and
I thought, "Lovely."

Now, Indians do like bling.

-I mean, if there was a...
-What...

Hold on a minute...
Now, we've had flexing.

-I've got that and winding.
-Yeah.

-What's "bling"?
-Bling is just, you know,

flash, colour.
It's kind of like...

Indian parents.

Traditional Indian parents are
the only ones who would watch
The Fast and the Furious

and say, "If you became
an accountant you should
get a car like that.

"Nice blue light underneath,

"and one when you put
your Indian music on,
it goes..."

So...

Have you actually
driven in India?

Only once.

Isn't it just
the scariest thing

in the known universe.

It's...
I've done nothing scarier.

I mean that, there's a road

from Pune to Bombay

which is supposed to be

the most dangerous road
in the world.

-Right.
-In the world. I think...

How many people die
on the roads in India?
I think it's 164 people a day.

-Yeah.
-But that's probably
just one Datsun.

That was only the people
falling off the roof.

The 18 people inside
were fine.

But it's also...
I mean, but that's...

It's true it's a high number,
but there's also
a billion people.

-So, it's kind of...
-Yeah. But there's only

the same number of cars
on the roads there
that we have here.

Yeah. But there's
a lot more people crossing it.

That's true. And animals.

And I also think actually
that the Highway Code

is at odds
with the Hindu code.

-Yes.
-That sense of,
"No. It'll be all right."

"No, your brakes have failed,
it won't be all right."

"No. No. It will.
I've said a prayer to my god."

"Your brakes don't work!"

And I listened to this guy
I was talking to in India...

He was saying, well,
"If it's my day to die,
if it's my day to die,

"so I'll go on the
wrong side of the road."
And you go,

"What about
the bloke you hit?"

-"It's his day to die."
-Yes, exactly.

And the might is right.
That's a scary rule.

Yeah. It's kind of...
Again, there's two things
about the road...

The Highway Code
as opposed to
the Hindu code.

One is that, yeah,
might is right.

I mean, If you've got a truck
and the other person's got
a bicycle,

-you have right of way.
-Yeah.

And the second
thing is that...

It's always the responsibility
of the person behind.

So nobody goes,
"He cut me up!"

Because it's...
You should
look out for him.

Everyone's doing that.

So it kind of works
in a bizarre way.

But the other thing,
I'll tell you the reason
that I stopped driving...

I did about a mile
and I told my cousin
to take over.

And I said... It was at night,
and nobody uses

-their headlights, or very few
know there's a headlight.
-That's true.

'Cause, you know,
you wear 'em out!

You know. You just
have to buy
another one.

And so, there was...
I stopped when I saw one
headlamp coming towards me.

And I said, "Look,
I don't know if that's
a scooter or it's a truck

"with one failed headlamp."

And he kind of, my cousin,
stopped for a second
and he said

"Or two scooters
transporting a wardrobe."

I said, "Do you know,

"you're right, there is
that third option.

"I... I'm an idiot.
I don't know why
I didn't think of it."

But the great thing is
when things do wear out

-the improvisation
that you see...
-Yeah.

On the roads
in India is just...

You see a truck
that's hit a tree

at a speed... That
was doing Mach 4.
And it's not written off.

No. And the thing in India...

Paul McGann told me
a great story.

Um, it's the first time
he went to India.

A friend of his had said,
"When you cross over
the border into India,"

he was in Nepal at the time,

he said, "You will know.
There'll be something
that'll tell you

"that instant
that you're in India."

And he crossed over
at this truck stop at about
3:00 in the morning.

He was looking around
thinking, "There's no one
here. And it's kind of...

"My friend said something
would happen."

And at that moment
they heard a truck
coming around the corner

with two small boys

holding on to the radiator
at the front.

One pouring water
into the top,

the other one catching it
at the bottom.

And they were kind of like...

-"I'm here!"
-I genuinely love that.

It's that fatalistic thing.

They just won't give up,
you know.

Anyway, of course, Liana.

How was it out there?

It's just a fantastic
and phenomenal mixture
of really exciting

and incredibly frustrating!

It was just...
I was so disappointed.

Well, I'll tell you what,
before we see your lap, shall
we see some of your practices?

-Oh, do we have to?
-Well, shall we?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sanjeev,
but the audience
has decided!

-It's true.
-Here we go.
Here's the first one.

CLARKSON: And that's coming
into a difficult corner.
Oh, a bit of a...

Ooh! No! He's gone.

He's gone.

And again... Oh, yes!

But wait!

-Keep going!
-That was pathetic!

-CLARKSON: Nice recovery.
-Thank you very much.
Although I...

I admire your spirit.

Do you know, halfway
through that 360,

I thought,
"I've seen this
in Bond films."

The thing to do, is
if I can put it into gear
as I'm turning,

wind down the window
and take a gun out,

this is going to look
really good.

Shall we see, uh, how you did?
Well, how would you
like to have done?

-First of all.
-Oh, please.
It's so frustrating.

-It was wet out there, yeah?
-It was, yeah, it was wet.

And also, it was, there was,

-somebody had put...
-Oh, dear.

-I'm sorry!
-Here we go.

-You should be told the truth
about these things.

-It was wet out there.
-Yeah.

There was an albatross
that flew in front
of the windscreen.

-Yeah.
-At one point.

Which is very rare
for this part of England.

And also there was
an ornate tissue box.

We did that,
in honour of you coming,

-we put one a tissue box
on the back seat!
-They did!

My God, it is...

Which weighted the car down.

-Who'd like to see
his lap then?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Here we go. Here we go.

-CLARKSON:
There's the tissue box. Look.

And that's a pathetic start.

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh, that's looking good.

Right, coming up to Chicago,
tricky corner.

Nice. Tidy.

Very good.

-I was pleased.
-What was the
lip thing, there?

Fear.

CLARKSON: Tidy again.

Very tidy.

-I really wish my mum
hadn't taught me to drive.

Oh! This is
a weird tongue thing
you've got going in the car.

Nicely held
on your fast lap here.

And coming up
to the final corner
which is Gambon.

A bit of tail out there.
And there we go,
across the line.

So, what do we call it?
Damp or wet?

-AUDIENCE: Wet.
-Now, now who said damp?

It was wet!

-You did understand the
question? We weren't asking...

-I'm calling it a wet lap.
-Yeah, thank you.

You did it, in one minute...

Bearing in mind

-a quick wet lap
is a 1.54.
-BHASKAR: Okay.

-You did it in one minute, 51.
-Oh.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-Which is way up there.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sanjeev Bhaskar!

Okay.

-It was great.
-Fantastic.

That's brilliant!

Right. We've got a bit
of a street heroes theme
going on this week.

And look what I've got!

MAY: If I could
only have one drink
for the rest of my life,

it would be a pint of bitter.

And if I could only drive
one supercar,

it would be this.

The Aston Martin Vantage.

It's superb.

In the 1970s,
Aston Martin was in trouble.

It had turned into a maker
of soft GT cars.

And then, in 1974,

it went bust.

MAY: Meanwhile,
the opposition was on a roll.

The Italians
were saving weight

and putting the engine
in the middle.

The Germans were still putting
it in the in the back,

but with stunning results.

Something had to be done.

So, Aston's engineers,
backed with cash
from another optimistic owner,

took one of their standard
two-door coupes,
whipped the engine out

gave it 40% more power,
bolted it back in,

fiddled with the suspension,
and tarted up the bodywork
a bit.

And then, I'd like to think,
they went to the pub,

and they'd earned a drink,
frankly, because
what they had produced

was to my mind

a definitive 1970s supercar.

MAY: In order to understand
the impact of the Vantage,

I want you to imagine
a simple scene down
your local boozer.

Now, Ferrari, Lamborghini,
Maserati, Porsche,
all that lot.

They are the blokes
around the bar with
the big opinions.

Giving it lots of that.

Aston Martin is
the quiet bloke in the corner

with his pint of best
and the crossword.

And then, suddenly,
he decides he's had enough.

-So he gets up.

Takes them all outside,

-and gives them
a bloody good hiding.

MAY: That's exactly
what the Vantage did.

At its launch in 1977,
it was the world's fastest
production car,

beating the Ferrari Daytona
to 60 miles per hour

only by a tenth of a second.

But in a bar brawl down
at the Rack and Pinion,
that was enough.

Aston was back in business,

and showing how the future
of the British supercar
would be.

Big, front engine,
rear wheel drive,
weighty, well-built,

not to be messed with.

And it was this approach
that would set them apart
from the rest of Europe.

The Italians, you see,
would concentrate on making
a really, really fast car.

But then they'd start
to worry about all the
practical stuff like,

where's the driver
going to sit?

And can he see out?

And how are you going
to join up all those wires
that make the lights work?

The British way, however,
is to start with a normal car,

and then make it very fast.

Think of the Jaguar XJR.
It's one of the world's
most comfortable saloon cars.

And it just happens to go like
a stabbed rat.

So, this Aston's actually
perfectly comfortable.

I can get in and out okay,
I can see where I'm going,

I can see behind me,
it's even got
quite a decent boot.

I mean, it'll still
pull my face off
if I want it to,

but most of the time,
it just sort of soothes
my fevered brow.

And then there's the engine.
There's no high rev
melodrama here.

Just a big, lazy,
5.3 litre V8.

Say you wanted
to bang in a nail.

You could belt it really hard
with a little hammer,

or you could give it
a tap with a really big one.

The Aston's engine
is a sledgehammer.

Right. Let's meet
some more people
who might appreciate it.

Here we are at the Campaign
for Real Ale's festival
in Chappel.

These chaps can tell you
the specific gravity
of 300 ales,

all in the time it takes me
it takes me to sink
a swift pint.

This is where the honesty
and goodness of real beer

is preserved and honoured.

This is serious business,
drinking this stuff.

MAY: What is a proper pint?

High quality malted barley.

A decent beer is where
you've got the brewer's
heart and soul in it.

Traditional ingredients.

It's simple, but it is also
complicated as well.

And the careful, uh,
selection of hops.

What's 501 minus 137?

Oh, you're trying to trick us!

Ah, see, they're not real
beer drinkers.

-They don't play darts.
-Ha, ha, ha!

So, beer isn't complicated.
It's just a few
simple ingredients,

all brewed up together,

but you can still
get it wrong.
I mean, you can get lager.

Supercars aren't
complicated either.

Power, good looks,
a great noise.

But you can get that
wrong as well.

You could get up with
a Ferrari Testarossa.

Aston Martin, though,
got it spot on.

I cannot remember
ever wanting a car as badly
as I want this Aston.

It is fantastic.

I absolutely love it.

And the thing is,
so does everyone else.
Look.

If I were driving
a Porsche 911
down this street,

some of the villagers
would secretly hate me.

But everybody loves the Aston.

It may be rare
and a bit pricey,
but somehow,

it's of the people.

This is the way
a British supercar should be.

Its values
are sound and robust.

It's like
these magnificent men.

They carry a torch for purity

and even though
they may drop it occasionally,

they are warriors,
guardians of a simple faith.

Their beer.

Proper beer,
the Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

One is simple, straightforward
and for people who don't
want anything too fancy.

And the other's a pint.
Cheers.

-Fabulous car there.
-Absolutely brilliant.
I'd love one.

Word of warning though,
don't think you can go out
there and buy a cheap one.

You have to spend
at least £50,000, really,
for a good one.

Which is a bit steep,
frankly. Knocked it off
my Chrissy pressie list.

-If I'm honest.
-You've done it again!

You're not
going to believe it.

Ooh, it's smooth this week.
That was another link.

Because we're moving on
to look at Christmas.
It's not far away.

And a lot of you
might be considering perhaps

grazing the interweb in your
Chrissy pressie search.

And we've made a few
helpful selections for you.

First of all, you know,
when you're driving along,

-and you're a bit desperate
to go to the loo?
-It happens.

It happens. It's a long drive.

And then, when you get there,
it looks like this.

-Oh dear.

HAMMOND: I know, it's nasty!

You need worry no more.
Because we've found,
on the interweb,

well, I'll show you.
Here it is.

-Yeah.

It's a lavatory that attaches
to the bumper of your car.

It's called a Bumper Dumper.

So, you can simply
pull onto the hard
shoulder, attach it.

35 quid plus 3 quid
for the additional
loo-roll holder.

The optional, I should say.

It comes with a bucket.
We've got a picture
of it here. Okay?

Now, that's got
a 5-gallon capacity.

Oh, that's plenty!
That's plenty!

So you can have
a pretty substantial supper
and not worry.

Nice. And if that's
not the one for you,
you could try these.

Now, you haven't got
your Ferrari any more.
Have you?

-No.
-No, I know.
But don't worry.

Because you can still have
a slice of that Maranello
magic in your life.

With this.

It's a gear lever
from a Ferrari, but it's
also a sink plunger!

That's a combination
I would never have thought of.

No, it's a rare thing,
but it is going to bring

a little bit of glamour to an
otherwise mundane task.

-Absolutely. How much is it?
-It is gonna set, er, me back,

-£17.
-Set, er, me back!

-If you will. 17 quid. Yeah.
-Seventeen pounds?

But that is magnificent.
It's six-speed,
as well, apparently.

Six-speed sink plunger!

Upping the, uh, upping
the price a little bit.

Uh, now let's just say,
you've got a girl
back to your flat.

You flick the lights on,

and offer her a seat on this.

Oh, look at that!

It's a NASCAR sofa.
£1,300 and real leather!

That's... And it's got
flames on it.

CLARKSON: Yeah.
And everything.
HAMMOND: That's brilliant.

The best bit about this
is in the middle there,

if you look closely.

This is the real killer line.
She's on that end,
and you're on that end,

and there's a bit of silence
and you're sort of...

-Shuffling towards her.
-Well, all right, no need
to demonstrate with me.

Don't be scared.
You'll be fine.

You can point to that
in the middle and say,
"That,

"you'll find, is an
embroidered signature

"of Jeff Gordon."

-Who's Jeff Gordon?
-HAMMOND: I've no idea!

-But it is!
-Why has Jeff Gordon
got his name on a sofa?

Who is... Does anyone here
know who Jeff Gordon is?

-He's what? Hold on!
-A NASCAR driver.

-He's a driver in NASCAR?
-Yeah.

-I knew that.
-You knew?
Why didn't you say then?

I didn't have a clue!
But he's got his name
embroidered on your sofa.

So, there we are.
£1,300 and it comes with
the name of a NASCAR driver...

Is he successful?

-MAN: Very successful.
-A very successful
NASCAR driver. That's great!

-Um, Australia.
-Yes?

I wanna talk about that
a little bit now. Uh,
nice country.

-Lovely prawns.
-Nice prawns, great climate,
and really, not bad at rugby.

They're all right.

Second best! It's actually...

Of all the losing teams
in the World Cup,
they were number one!

-The best losers.
-They were the best losers
in the World Cup.

But the thing is though,

how many things in your house
have got "Made in Australia"
on them?

None.

Can anybody here
think of anything they own

that was made in Australia?

-They don't do that.
-Deathly silence!

See, the thing
about Australia is, it's not
an engineering hotbed.

We've looked into this,
and we've found
that in the last 200 years,

the only thing
the Australians have invented
is the rotary washing line!

-Did they really invent that?
-That's it. Yeah.

And now, they've made a car!

CLARKSON: Here it is.
A big two-door coupe
called the Monaro.

On sale in Britain next spring
from your Vauxhall dealer,

sporting a price tag
of £28,000.

Being Australian,
it's not the most elegant car
in the world,

and nor is it
the most complicated.

You get
a limited slip differential,
rear wheel drive,

and the same 5.7 litre V8
that you get in a Corvette.

It's far
from the most sophisticated
engine in the known universe,

but because it's so big,

you can put it in six,
and pootle around at three,

doing plenty of miles
to the gallon.

Or you can poke it
with a stick.

Then you'll go
from 0 to 60 in six and a half
seconds, and reach a top speed

of over 160.
Usually sideways.

The rotary washing line,
and now, the rotary car.

Now, you might think
this looks awfully dangerous,

but it is Australian,
remember, and they
like a bit of danger.

They've got wild dogs
that eat babies, for fun.

They've got
great white sharks,
they've got box jellyfish,

they've got snakes
like crocodiles...

And now they've got this.
The red-backed,
funnel-webbed car.

For Europe, they have tweaked
the chassis a bit,

made it a bit more fun.

And you can temper the lively
rear end by turning
the traction control on,

but if you do that, the car
sends out some very

straight-talking
Aussie messages.

Let me show you what I mean.

MAN ON SPEAKER:
What a poofter!
Backs to the wall, everyone.

There's a pom on board!

He's turned
the traction control on.

What a poofter! Poofter!
You poof!

What a poofter.
My sheila could go round
the corner faster than this!

Poofter. Poofter.

This does become wearisome
after a while.

-MAN ON SPEAKER:
You hopeless pom!

-CLARKSON: Shut up!
-And you got lucky
in the rugby.

-Shut up!
-Poofter, poofter.

I'm going to turn it back off
again. There we are.

And actually, that's no
big problem, because,

despite appearances, this car

really is a big,
friendly giant.

Honestly, I have never driven
a car round here

that's just so easy

at the limits!
It's phenomenal!

-Floor it. Whoo-hoo!

And not just easy
at the limit, it's also easy
if you go beyond.

Into that world
of smoke and noise,

and looking where you're going
out of the side window!

Slowing... Brake.

-And, ready?

Side window, going down there.

It's big and simple,

and I love it.

Think of it as a triumph
of talk over intelligence.

A cut-price BMW M5.

A Jaguar XKR that's drunk.

Look at it!

To be honest, the cameraman's
not enjoying this very much,
but I love it!

It is a hooligan special.

But it's not insensible.

The seats are perfect,
there's no other word
for them.

The driving position
is spot on.

The ride comfort is phenomenal
for a car of this type.

There's space in the back
for adults, and with a boot
this size,

you can even call it
practical.

Unbelievable!

And when you bear the price
in mind, it's also very
well-equipped.

I've got cruise control,
trip computer,

fancy stereo,
air conditioning,
electric seats.

Just about the only thing
that's missing is
satellite navigation.

But then, you don't need it,
because like everything
Australian,

-it knows exactly where
it's going.

Earls Court.

-MAN ON SPEAKER:
What a poofter!

Of course, the big problem
with this is,

if you buy one,
five of its mates will turn up
with backpacks

-and want to live
in your garage.
-HAMMOND: Yes.

Absolutely.
Which is going
to be annoying.

Um, I'll tell you,
I've just noticed
something, actually.

-That rings a bell.
-CLARKSON: 20-17.

20-17 on the number plate.

It was the score in
a recent game of rugby!
That's what it is.

It was!

Amazing coincidence!
It just shows up there!

Amazing. Still, is it really
only £28,000?

-That's a lot of car!
-It is a lot of car
for very little money.

I think the reason is that
we've become used now
to rather high-tech stuff.

You know, Evo 8s with
Active Yaw Control and
twin stage turbo charging.

This is just meat and pie
engineering, really.

What we've got
to find out now,
though, is how fast it is.

So,

pray silence, please,
for Dame Edna Ever-Stig!

And away he goes,
keeping the wheelspin
under control

even though it
is rather wet out there today.
Ooh, look at that spray!

-Looking tidy
in the first bend.

Grieg there, although Stig
simply knows it as the tune
from the AEG advert.

Looking amazingly neat there.

Ooh. Very, very neat.
Not much sign of
oversteer so far.

We're coming up
to the Hammerhead.
On the brakes.

Turning... Oh, wait a minute!
Oh. It's running wide there.

That is not very fast at all!

On the power, little bit of
a squirm on the way out.

Will he be quick through
the Follow Through?
Not bad.

Stig did tell me he couldn't
take it at full throttle

because the Holden's
such a big, heavy,
lumbering thing.

He also said the brakes
didn't work well on the track.

Is that going
to harm the time?

He's got round there better
than Sanjeev and coming
up to the last corner.

Keeping it under control.

And across the line
in one minute,

33.9.

-That's not bad in the wet.
-Which is down there.

Don't know why
I couldn't think
of Holden, it's just...

HAMMOND: Is that
not how you spell it?
Oh, I thought it was.

Hey, that's...
But give it its due.
That's not bad.

CLARKSON: No, it's not bad.

That was a wet lap.
That was a wet lap.
That was quite quick.

The thing is though, because
it's got that big Corvette
5.7-litre engine in it,

you can tune it up.

I mean,
you take your wallet in,

and then you can spend
as much as you like.
So, obviously,

I had to have a go

in one of the faster versions.

Imagine a Lotus Carlton
and a Calibra Turbo
coming together

in a broom cupboard somewhere.

This is the illegitimate
love child that would result.

It's got 440 brake horsepower.

It does 0 to 60 in four
seconds or so.

It has fully adjustable
suspension and it
has arrived in Britain

spoiling for a fight.

So, we thought
we'd give it one.

So, from the country that gave
world the rotary washing line,

the Holden Monaro.

And from the country that gave
the world everything else,
including Australia, actually,

the supercharged Jaguar XKR.

They both cost around £70,000.
So, this should be close.

This should be epic.

Hopefully, this should be
Jonny Wilkinson

and Elton Flatley
all over again.

The Jag got off
to a flying start.

But as the race progressed,
the Aussie started to close
the gap.

Damn!

I think I've won!

That is the first time I've
ever heard anybody in
a racing situation say that.

"Damn, I think I've won."

Yeah, but did I win,
actually? Can we just
have a look at the...

-HAMMOND: I think you did.
-Ooh, I did. Look, just by
one sort of car's length.

Anyway, let's move on
from that small lucky victory
they had. The Cool Wall.

-Where do we think...
-Hold on a minute!

Um, Jeremy, all the Fords
have moved to sub-zero!

-All of them.
-CLARKSON: Yeah, it's
a fluid thing, the Cool Wall.

As you know, it's never
anything fixed. And I thought,

I looked at them
and I though,
"They're nice cars."

Really? I'll tell you what,
they're moving back!
It's that fluid.

-That's ridiculous, you can't.
-Now, look, I want to make it
absolutely plain

I'm not doing this.
If anybody's watching
from, like, Dagenham,

I'm not responsible for that!
Okay?

Let's move on.
The Holden Monaro,

or Vauxhall Monaro,
as it will be.
What do we think?

-MAN: Cool!
-Cool? Well, I'm going to ask.

I'm gonna canvas
the opinion of people
who've dressed properly.

-What do you think?
-Cool. Makes a nice noise.

Even though it's Australian?
We'll give them
a little something.

-Yeah, they can't play rugby.
-And you?

-Coolish.
-You think it's coolish?

Okay, well, does anyone
think it's not cool?

Really? Well, let's come and
have a word with this chap.
Why is it not cool?

It looks like Knight Rider
45 years on.

Yes, but you see,
what I love about
this car

-is it has no styling.
-No.

There's no pretensions
about it.

And you know exactly...
You don't have to explain
anything with it.

-No.
-So I'm going to put it
in the cool section.

No doubt about it.

Okay, two more cars,
these are the ones I drove
earlier in the programme.

These little
fashion accessories.

-The 307 CC
and Renault Megane CC.
-You're pulling a face!

-What are you saying?
-I've had them both.

You've had them both?

But you see, you haven't
had them both,
they're both brand-new.

-Oh no. Old ones of them both.
-No, there are no old ones.

-HAMMOND: They've only
just done the car.
-They're new.

-You've had the hatchbacks.
-Ever wish you hadn't
started something?

You had the convertibles
before the metal roof.
The last models of them.

And did you like them?

-Awful.
-Awful?

-They were fab!
-Fab.

-I couldn't get in them.
-Do you two know each other?

-Yeah!

-I just follow her!
-So you thought they were fab,
you thought they were awful.

-We think the new ones
are absolutely terrible.
-Dreadful. Truly awful.

-But...
-Terrible!

They're cool!

They are! Don't argue,
don't come here
and argue with us.

This is the way the wall...
We're not saying they're good.

That's a different thing
entirely.

-They haven't got this yet,
have they?
-No. They are cool, okay?

But we should explain. Because
they're kind of French,
they're a bit chic.

Because they're fash...
In fact, already
can you hold this?

-Yeah.
-Already, you see,

if you bought them
when they were cool

but now,
they're on their way down.

-They're going out of fashion.
-They're already
moving down again!

Don't take so long
putting them on
the board, Jeremy.

-Okay, is that good?
-Yeah.

-Is there anything else
we ought to be moving?
-If you move a single Ford,

I'll telephone them now
and send them copies
of everything you've said.

-Where's May?
-I don't know.
Oh, over there, somewhere.

Now, earlier on I left
our Toyota pickup on top
of a tower block

that was about to be
demolished with explosives.

Who would like to see
what happens next?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Play it.

MAN: Six, five, four,

three, two, one.

MAY: So, the moment of truth.

Will it be buried under
thousands of tonnes
of public housing?

No, there it is.

It may have escaped
being buried alive,

but that 240-foot drop
has taken its toll.

It's smashed and bashed
almost beyond recognition.

MAY: Oh, dear.

Hmm. I'd say
that was pretty ronnied.

-Have you got
a crowbar with you?
-MAN: Yeah.

MAY: Again, we've got
our mechanic with us,

and as before,
he's not allowed spare parts

and he can only use
basic tools.

Too much.

It doesn't look good.

-Right. Is this it?
-MAN: Yeah, this is it.
We'll give it a go.

Unbelievable.

But, but, but, but, but.

Okay, James. James.

-Now, we've seen
that it started.
-Yeah, it did start.

But did it move?

I can hardly
believe this myself.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
here it is!

CLARKSON:
I just can't believe it.

That's just...

HAMMOND: Can I... I wanna...
I wanna make sure

I want to make sure
you're being honest, okay?
This very important.

When Jeremy did it,
the rules were, you couldn't
replace any parts.

No spare parts allowed.

You did the same?
No spare parts?

No spare parts. The mechanic
reconnected the battery,

put a bit of diesel in it,

brum, off it went.

I just can't believe it.
I mean, look at the state
of that.

That's not bad.
I've taxed worse.

You've taxed worse!
Oh, no, look here. Look.

The whole chassis's, well,
I was going to say cracked,

but split's a better word.

MAY: Well, it has actually
broken in half right across

and we're in the
strange situation

where the bodywork is
actually holding the chassis.

I'm honestly...
I'm stuck for...

I mean, we could carry on

trying to destroy it,

but do you know what?
I think we should
build a plinth.

-Yeah?
-Absolutely.

Put it on there
as a museum piece
for all of time.

-What do we think?
-Do we do that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Okay, well there we are.

On that, uh...

On that note of unexpected
generosity from our audience

and in the presence of,
frankly, automotive greatness,

it is time to end the show.

Good night. See you next week.