Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Is the Toyota Hilux Really Indestructible? - full transcript
Jeremy performs a number of tests to find out how tough a Toyota Hilux really is, and reviews the Mazda RX-8, which The Stig takes for a lap of the test track. James is astonished by the new Fiat Panda. Simon Cowell is the Star In...
CLARKSON: On today's
programme, James drives
Fiat's new baby.
Richard looks at classic
of the future.
And I attempt to destroy
a Toyota pickup truck.
Good evening. Now, we start
tonight with the naughty
problem of coupes.
You see, if you buy one,
you get very little
space in the back,
very small boot,
so all you're paying
for, really, are the looks.
This one, though,
is a little bit different.
It's the Mazda RX-8.
And the first thing you need
to know is that
it's not exactly
the prettiest car
in the world.
It's almost like they had
a styling suggestion box
at the factory, they got
millions of ideas
and then said,
"I know!
Let's have all of them."
So it's got triangles and
curves, and gills and the back
window from a Ford Anglia
and look at these lights.
They are busier than
a bishop's hat.
The second things you need
to know is that
it's not a coupe.
Again, it looks like
the work of a committee.
Half of them said,
"We want a two-door GT car",
and the other half said,
"No, no, no, no!
We want a four-door saloon!"
And they thought,
"I know! We'll have both."
So, open the door,
and it there and you've got
a sporty
red and black interior,
like a man's wash bag,
very coupe-ish.
But watch this.
Not exactly going
to work as a minicab,
in there,
but there's certainly
space in there for your
2.2 kids. Really.
It's the best of both worlds.
Cheap, too!
The old RX-7 used to be priced
to compete with Porsches.
It was £35,000.
But this one is just £22,000.
And don't think
they've skimped on equipment.
You get air conditioning,
you get
satellite navigation,
you get electric seats.
In fact the only place
where you get less
than you might be expecting
is under the bonnet.
Most cars of this type
come with huge engines,
but this has a 1.3.
So, you might be wondering,
what is a 1300cc
four-door saloon
doing on our track?
Normally, only the really fast
and exotic stuff
comes out here.
Let me show you.
It may only be a 1.3
but it's a Wankel
rotary engine.
So you get
228 brake horsepower
from a 1.3!
It's not the torquiest
engine in the world
or the most economical,
but God, it's smooth.
You even get a little buzzer.
Ready?
To tell you to change gear
at 9,000rpm.
Because, it doesn't feel
like it's running
on anything as coarse
and vulgar as petrol.
Feels like it's running
on double cream.
So, on the downside,
the styling is a bit fussy.
On the upside, though,
it's got a great engine,
it makes a great noise,
it goes like stink,
it's very comfortable,
it's practical,
it's well-priced
and it's well-equipped.
And then
there's the really good stuff.
This is one of the easiest
cars to drive fast
that I've ever come across.
It's just so forgiving.
It's kind of like a punch bag,
you can give it absolute hell.
And it just never fights back.
It's got the perfect layout,
front engine, rear-wheel drive
with a limited
slip differential.
Oh, perfect.
Ooh, aha!
The guy who was running Mazda
when they were designing
the RX-8 used to race cars.
And it kind of shows.
However, when you've finished
clowning around,
it settles down,
takes off its Terminator
suit and becomes Jane Austen.
Quiet, comfortable
and dignified.
This car is sensational.
You get all the benefits
of a coupe,
with none of the drawbacks.
And all the practicalities
of a saloon
with none of the tedium.
Of all the cars I've driven
this year, I'm pretty sure
this one is the best.
HAMMOND: The best car?
No.
Well, you did just say
the best car
you've driven this year.
-Yeah, I was lying.
-Okay.
No! The thing about it is,
is that it was great,
but after I'd recorded that,
I drove it on a wet road
and it's awfully twitchy.
There's something about
these tyres that make it
really, yeah, a bit skittish.
However, it shouldn't
be a problem for the Stig
because it's bone
dry out there.
So, moshi moshi, Stig-san.
And away he goes.
Ooh! Lots of wheel spin,
lots of wheel spin.
And coming up
to the first corner,
bit of a wobble there.
I hope that's not a
sign of things to come.
Oh, dear!
First corner, already
the Mazda's oversteering.
That's, uh... That's what
the Stig calls music
from the Thresher ad.
Look at that understeer.
Surprisingly bad
and he's got...
What's he got going in, then?
Oversteer going in and then,
sort of understeer.
Did speak to the Stig earlier,
he assured me
this would be the fastest
technique for this car.
Can he hold it through
the follow through?
Looking a bit ragged.
Ooh, that's not bad.
Over the first half
of the lap, the RX-8 was
almost level with the BMW M3.
I know it doesn't look
like it, this could
be a seriously good time.
More oversteer, but
understeer, he's got the lot!
And across the...
-You want to know the time?
-Yeah! Go on.
One minute, 31.8.
-That means that is exactly
the same time as an M3 BMW.
-HAMMOND: An M3!
-That's very, very quick.
-That is quick.
However, there is, of course,
another coupe
that everybody
is talking about at the moment
and it's this.
The Nissan 350 Z.
Now, just look
at it briefly for a second.
Look at the difference.
It's a big, squat, butch car.
-It doesn't have
a silly Wankel...
-Butch car.
Nothing's hanging low,
you know what I mean?
It's a V6.
3.5 litre,
none of your Wankel nonsense.
Now, we've sent that round
our track, with the Stig.
And that has done
a time as well. You want
to know what it was?
-I know what it was.
-It was exactly the same.
-1.31.8?
-Yeah, which is incredible,
really, when you think.
The two... I mean, one point
whatever that is...
CLARKSON: So, they're exactly
the same speed
except there are a couple
of differences,
in that that costs £2,000 more
and wears you out when
you drive it.
This is more practical
and more fun to drive.
That is a very, very good car.
Right. Now here is the news.
And we'll stick with coupes.
And this is the new
Alfa Romeo GT,
on sale beginning
of next year. You can have
a 3.2 V6.
It's gonna be 20 to £27,000.
I've actually driven it
and I rather like it.
I think it looks great.
I think it looks brilliant.
No, I don't. It's rubbish.
MAY: No, it's not.
What's going on with you
at the moment? You keep
not liking really nice...
No, honestly,
we haven't got a photograph
of it from the back.
-Oh, no, I have.
-It's got a really...
-Oh, okay. How bad is it?
-Can you see this?
CLARKSON: It's just a bit
Vanessa Feltzy.
HAMMOND: I like it.
It's just, I'm not sure,
it's styled by Bertone and I'm
not sure he isn't a bit...
You know, he designs with
his right hand and actually
he's left-handed.
-MAY: No, no!
-It is not...
How much is it gonna be?
Well, 20 to £27,000, we think.
-But that's not official.
-For what?
-£20,000 for a cheap one
and then...
-£20,000 for a 1.8 twin spark.
The 3.2 V6 probably
about £27,000. That's the one
I drove.
The only thing I would just
say though about owning
an Alfa Romeo
-is you have to, in order
to be petrosexual.
-MAY: Yes.
You must, at some point,
have owned an Alfa Romeo
in your...
-You've had one, haven't you?
-I had one, have you had one?
-Yeah, I had one.
-I had a 164.
-I had a GT 6. And so you...
-No, I haven't had one.
-MAY: Ah!
-I haven't.
He's is not a proper
petrol, you're not a petrol...
-How long do I have
to have it for?
-Seven minutes.
Why can't I just go
into a shop,
sign for it on credit
and then sign to sell it,
on another piece of paper?
Well, you could do,
but you'd have lost £3,000.
Yes, but I'd only have
to drive about 100 yards
from the new to the used
sales department.
-So, it could probably
only break down once.
-Yeah. It will break down.
No, honestly,
you've got to do it.
-Has anyone here got an Alfa?
-MAN: Yes.
-Are you a Pisces?
-Why?
-What?
-You are a Pisces
with an Alfa Romeo, yeah.
All Pisceans have an...
What an Earth are you
talking about star signs for?
Pisceans like a bit of a blub.
And there is nothing
guaranteed to get
the blub going,
"It's broken down again,
it hates me." It doesn't
hate you, it's just an Alfa.
-I knew it.
-You're right, you're right.
-All right, you are a Piscean.
-I don't care.
And you do have an Alfa Romeo?
-It's a fact.
-I knew it.
But I'm a Capricorn,
and Capricorns
don't believe in astrology.
-Well, you've got a Bentley.
-Capricorns have Bentleys.
-No, they don't, though,
do they?
Because my mum's got one,
she hasn't got a Bentley,
she's got a Seat Arosa.
-That's not a Bentley.
-No, 'cause they either
have Bentleys
or Seat Arosas, Capricorns.
-Is that a known fact?
-Yes, a known fact.
But of all that,
I got that right.
-Two Alpha owners, isn't it?
One...
-Jeremy.
Is anybody here a Piscean
but not owning an Alpha?
-CROWD: Yeah!
-I didn't say that.
-That's false logic.
And there's another thing.
Because, all the Pisceans
would have been here,
but their Alphas broke down
on the way!
-CLARKSON: There, you see?
Story here, Schumacher
is to race a jetfighter
in his Ferrari.
-We've done that.
-Yeah, we've done that.
-HAMMOND: Well, he won't win,
so that's...
-He won't win. He'll lose. Ah.
Now, you know for years, uh,
everybody, really, has been
trying to develop
an electric car,
you know, one
that runs on batteries.
Now, this is fraught
with difficulties, frankly.
First of all, you plug
it into the mains
and you get the power
to charge your batteries
from a...
-BOTH: Power station.
-Power station.
-Which burns... Or gas.
-BOTH: Coal or oil.
-So not particularly
environmentally friendly.
-No.
Now the big trick,
the car makers have been
working on now for years
is to develop a car
that has its own power station
in the boot,
that drives in the car.
And it's a power station
that runs on hydrogen.
You put hydrogen in. All you
get out of the back is H2O.
Water.
Totally green.
Don't plug it in.
And Mercedes has cracked it.
Here it is.
-This is what
they've come up with.
-HAMMOND: An A-Class?
CLARKSON: It is an A-Class.
Completely conventional.
It's got,
I've got the figures here,
86 brake horsepower.
-That's all right.
-Yeah. Top speed
of 87 miles an hour
MAY: How much is it?
It's, um...
Well, what's a normal A-Class?
-About 14, £15,000.
-About 14,000-ish? Yeah.
-This is a little bit more.
It's £300,000.
That is a bit steep
for a small family car.
That's genesis.
You can remember
where you were
when you first saw that.
Vegging out in front
of the sofa on a Sunday night
with the kids saying,
"I wish they'd talk
about Lamborghinis."
-HAMMOND: It's boring.
Now... Speed cameras.
Been massive growth
and they are in the news
at the moment. I mean,
10 years ago,
there were virtually none.
Now we have got
around about 5,000.
Now, because all these
cameras are supposed
to be highly visible,
and because they are all
supposed to be put at known
accident black spots,
you would imagine,
would you not,
that they've had a dramatic
effect on the number of people
being killed on our roads.
I mean, if you see a camera
there and it's an accident
black spot, you slow down
'cause you don't want
to get fined.
Well, we've got a chart here
which shows what's
been going on.
This is the number of people
who've been convicted
since 1996.
It was round about 250,000.
Now it's just gone past,
or rather by 2001,
which is the last year
for which we have
figures available,
it's gone past
a million in a year.
And yet the number
of road deaths
-virtually constant.
-HAMMOND: Hmm.
Almost exactly the same now
as it was back in 1996.
Absolutely.
Sadly, not the decline
you'd want to see.
But they're not at accident
black spots, okay?
There's been some research
into the most dangerous
stretches of road,
in another words,
accident black spots.
These are the 10 sites
that has been identified
as the worst.
These particular roads
and these particular
stretches of them, okay?
They amount to a total
of 137 miles on these
10 or so places.
You'd imagine
they'd be festooned
with speed cameras
if that's where
they're putting them.
Between all of those sites,
all of those 137 miles of road
at 10 positions...
Four.
-Four.
The thing is though,
even if the cameras
were there,
I could still drive
up any of those roads
drunk, uninsured,
high on magic mushrooms
in a stolen Nissan.
But as long as
I didn't actually
go over the speed limit,
I'd get away with it.
You see, that's the problem
we're facing, this,
because the people
who like the speed cameras
you think that's a good idea,
are forever telling us
that 33% of all fatalities
are caused by
excessive and inappropriate
use of speed.
But the fact is, the fact is
the Transport
Research Laboratory,
who are proper scientists,
and not just mad vegetarians
on bicycles,
they are proper,
proper scientists,
they say it's actually
7% of accidents are caused
by excess speed.
Seven.
So, you've got to ask yourself
just what are these speed
cameras are for?
If they're not putting them
at accident black spots,
and even if they were,
it's been discovered that
only 7% of accidents
are attributable to speed.
What are they for?
Well, I can tell you one thing
we know about them
for certain.
Last year alone,
they raised £73 million.
What are we gonna do?
That's the big one.
What are we gonna do? Well,
simple fact of the matter is,
when the police
get your photograph,
they send you a letter saying
who was driving
the car at the time
and British law,
at the moment,
says you have to tell them.
But we're in the EU,
and European law says you have
the right to remain silent.
-So, really,
we face a simple choice.
We either join the EU,
in which case we lose the
Queen's head from the money,
or stay where we are
and lose all our money.
Let's talk about
something else, okay!
This being a car programme,
let's talk about houses.
How many times have you been
told by somebody, "Oh, I made
a fortune on my house?"
Well, that's rubbish! Because
everybody's houses are going
up at the same rate.
The only way to make money
on a house is to buy it
somewhere that's bad
that then becomes good.
Fine, how can you do that
with a car?
What you need is a car
that's not yet a classic
but that one day will be.
A kind of classic
waiting in the wings,
if you will.
And this scheme
has the whiff
of genius about it.
What you're looking
for is a car
that's young enough
to still be good to drive
and reliable,
but old enough
to have been forgotten.
A car like this.
The Volkswagen Corrado VR6.
This was VW's sports coupe
for the '90s
and I think it's really
rather special,
even though, under the skin,
it's a bit of a mongrel.
It's been kind of cobbled
together from bits of old VWs.
So, we've got Passat
in the rear suspension,
a bit of Mk2 Golf
at the front.
But they knew
what they were doing.
The result is fantastic.
This drives as well as,
if not better,
than a lot of current cars.
And I mean that.
It really does.
And remember, we're talking
about a car that went
out of production
eight years ago.
And it's quick, like properly
quick. Naught to 60,
it'll do in 6.7 seconds.
Well, that's quick today.
That 2.9 litre V6 up front,
190 brake horse power
it puts out,
it sounds fantastic.
There were other
versions available,
but this is the one
to go for,
because that VR6 engine
is one of the best
VW ever made.
So, its looks
and its performance
go some way
towards making it
a future classic,
but there is another factor
that's even more important.
It was a complete flop.
It was too expensive
and nobody bought it,
which means it's quite rare.
And there's one more thing.
It's the only '90s
coupe that isn't
completely embarrassing.
I mean, think about it.
Just what message
are you sending the world
when you're seen climbing out
of a Calibra?
Or a Pro? Or even a Celica?
Not good.
My second tip
comes from the 1980s.
It's this.
The Mercedes 190E 2.5 16.
Quite a mouthful!
And that's not even
the full title, because you
got to strap
Cosworth onto the end of that,
because Cosworth helped
develop the engine.
And that give a clue
as to what this car is about.
Of course, every potential
classic should have a good
story attached to it.
And that's the case with this
Mercedes, because we got
this car by default.
Basically, Mercedes developed
the 190E 2.5 16 Cosworth
to go rallying.
But just as they were ready
to launch it
onto the rally scene,
Audi brought out the Quattro.
And that changed everything.
Without four-wheel drive,
the Mercedes would've been
absolutely hopeless.
So, they abandoned their
plans to go rallying
and decided to produce
this road-going
version instead.
And it's a belter.
So, It's really not an
especially sophisticated car,
four-cylinder engine,
but it's powerful.
That 197 brake horse power
Cosworth engine
is very, very good.
Plus, and this is always good
for classic status,
it's got a racing pedigree.
Because when the rallying
plans fell through,
Mercedes simply
took it track racing instead.
In the 1990s,
it clocked up 50 wins
and the German Touring
Car Championship.
In fact, in his day,
Martin Brundle said
this had one of the best
handling saloon car chassis
anywhere in the world.
And he knows what
he's talking about.
This was very much
the Mercedes equivalent
of the BMW M3.
And, in truth,
it was really was always
in the shadow of the M3.
It was Cinderella,
but the coach never came.
But you know that
underdog factor
is part of its appeal.
Next to this, the BMW
looks a bit,
well, obvious.
Tempted? Well, if you are,
you're best off going for one
in black or silver
with an automatic gearbox,
which is why I'm driving
pink one with a manual box.
Obviously.
In a few years, these two
will be proper
all-the-medals classics,
without the beady image,
the rampant engine failure
and the moss on seats.
So, my advice is buy one now,
before everybody wants them.
And that brings us rather
neatly onto something new.
It's this. Our classic wall.
Now we already have
the cool wall. This works
in the same sort of way.
But on this side,
we've got cars that we think
will become classis
in the future, and on this
side, the ones that won't.
The crocks. Now,
I've set the ball rolling
with these two, then
VW Corrado that we saw
and the Mercedes.
There you go, there.
Guaranteed future classics.
But we have some rules
about this. To qualify
as a future classic,
any car, we're talking about
stuff from the 90's, has to be
one of these things.
-Rare, beautiful,
or interesting.
-HAMMOND: Yes, yes.
-HAMMOND: Yes.
-And I'd like to propose,
-the original Lexus LS400.
HAMMOND: Which is none
of those things!
-I think it's interesting.
-No! It's not interesting,
it's not rare, and it's
sure as heck isn't beautiful.
It's hideous, James.
-What's wrong with it?
-We've had this wall
five minutes,
and you've just ruined it.
I'll put it there,
but I'll tell you a story.
Okay, when I was at school,
1979, I was a school boy,
at the end of the school day
we used to run down
the end of the drive
and line up because we wanted
to laugh at my
English teacher
as she drove home
in the MkII Jag.
Yes, but...
But that became beautiful.
-That never will.
It belongs there.
-How do you know?
Well, I've got one here, okay?
The Citroen XM.
CLARKSON: For God's sake.
HAMMOND: Bear with me!
-It is rare.
-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
HAMMOND: That goes there.
And we'll explain why
in a minute.
Would anyone like
to has it a guess
why Citroen XM was rare?
-Yeah, I know...
Jeremy, can I ask?
What is that?
This is an Alfa Romeo GT V6.
A Magnificent car.
-HAMMOND: I believe
you had one.
-I did indeed.
HAMMOND: And how much
did you pay for it, Jeremy?
-Ah... £5,000.
-And then you sold it.
-And how much
did you sell it for?
-£3,000.
Okay. That didn't go too well.
And how much was it worth
a year later?
-£7,000.
-So much do you know
about all of this?
Absolutely nothing!
Made a mistake on this one.
Well, on that subject,
can I bring up the original
BMW CSL?
-I believe you had one
of these as well, didn't you?
-I did.
-And how much
did you pay for it?
-£3,000.
-And how much
did you sell it for?
-£2,000.
-And how much was it worth
about a year later?
-£12,000.
In fact, as well, the BMW Z1,
that's the car you had
and you sold it, made a loss.
They're going up in value.
It is in fact, classic.
The Ferrari F355.
Did you have one of these?
-Yes, yes, yes.
-MAY: Have you sold it?
Yes, future classic, on.
See, just... Can
I just interrupt here?
Get out of the way.
All these cars, you'll note,
I've chosen well.
-HAMMOND: Oh, yes.
-All of them are classics.
-HAMMOND: Very well, Jeremy.
-It's my timing.
The timing is everything,
It's like the stock market.
What you all doing is,
buying high, and selling low.
I've just come
up with another rule
of future classics.
Jeremy buys, you sell.
If he's selling, you buy.
CLARKSON: Now, this is Barry.
Barry is a middle-aged man,
which means that, pretty soon,
he is going to be thinking
about buying a sports car.
He thinks it will
make him more virile
and more attractive.
The trouble is, because Barry
is middle-aged,
all his hair has fallen out.
So, that means
he's gonna need a hairpiece
of some kind,
and that's
a dangerous combination.
Hairpiece, sports car.
We're in a minefield
of potential
embarrassment here.
So we thought
we'd come up with an idea.
The Top Gear toupee test.
The first one we're gonna
test is this one.
It's a full wig
known as the blob. Okay!
-Shall we see how it goes?
-CROWD: Yeah.
Run the film.
Okay, want to make it plain,
the wig was held in place
with double-sided wig tape,
not just plonked on his head.
-CLARKSON: Here we go.
Coming up now toward
the national speed limit.
Some of the shape
has been lost.
Some of the style...
Oh, no, it's gone!
It's gone!
At just 110 miles an hour,
it was all over.
So, what happens
if we up the ante
and try something
a little bit more expensive?
That was only £60.
This is little more pricey.
No, really, it is. Let's see.
This is Indonesian
craftsmanship.
It'll set you back about £90!
So let's see how much speed
you get for your money.
There he is,
an absolute beauty.
Made from 50% real human hair.
Comes as standard
with a one-inch
reinforced taping perimeter!
So, it really is
the absolute...
Oh, it's gone!
Oh, no! At just
85 miles an hour!
Oh! It's...
Certainly...
That's certainly the first
time the Stig has ever had
another man's hair in his lap.
Okay, now then,
let's just remove that
and see what happens
if we go
for the Rolls-Royce
of syrups. Okay.
There it is. Look at that,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now let's see
how fast you can go.
Handmade in Korea,
it will cost you £250.
But it is made from 100%
natural fibres,
which are longer.
So you can cut it
to your own spec.
Side-parting
is quite a head turner.
Really... Oh no!
68 miles an hour
and it's all over.
His self-worth is ruined.
The moral of the story,
then, seems to be that
if you want to go really
fast in a convertible,
get yourself something
very cheap,
very made of nylon.
Absolutely.
Now, you may have noticed
that all of the wigs there
were blown off forwards.
It had something
to do with aerodynamics.
It's actually because
the wind's comes over here,
and then it goes that way.
Bit of a problem.
However, the good news
for wig wearers
is that you can get
round this. By having a car
with this,
a wind deflector. It's been
fitted to some of the more
expensive cabriolets.
Okay! Let's see if it works.
We refitted Barry
in the most expensive,
but worst performing wig,
which, in the TVR,
blew off at just
68 miles an hour.
As you can see,
we're going past that now.
And it's still looking good.
We're into autobahn territory,
getting on now,
I think for about... Oh,
look at that! Look at that.
Coming up to
140 miles an hour,
and still Barry is able
to maintain his dignity.
That wind deflector
really works.
Astonishing. You know, I think
that just sort of thing that
makes us the world's premier
motoring programme.
Because we set out to answer
the questions
that you didn't even realise
needed asking.
Quite, quite.
-Shall we meet a guest?
-Always.
Good idea. He is
Mr Pop Idol.
People say he's
the rudest person
on television,
so this should be interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Cowell!
-How are you?
-I'm sorry!
I'm sorry about this.
-I'm very well, how are you?
-Another warm welcome!
Thank you.
-I think I know
what their problem is.
-What?
It's those contestants
on Pop Idol.
You're just not hard enough.
What would you say to them?
Ooh, believe me,
you couldn't transmit what
I've got to say about them.
Well, the difference is,
Jeremy, I actually know
something about music,
-you don't.
-With respect.
On the evidence we've seen
so far,
I'd counter
that you don't know a thing!
That...
What's he called? Bill Gates.
-No, not him.
-Gareth Gates!
I could beat him
in a game of Snap.
And who's the other one?
-What's the other one?
-Will Young.
What's happened to his mouth?
-What's wrong with it?
-It looks like he's
been hit with an axe!
Listen, I was given
the Top Gear album once.
That was good.
So, you're not a fan
of the Doobie Brothers?
Yeah, very current, the album!
You and me after the show,
I'm gonna sit you down
and I'm gonna
play you a selection
of the stuff on my
CD auto-changer.
-Yeah, can't wait.
-Genesis, Doobie Brothers,
this is...
No, looking around, forget it.
-Okay, let's move it on
to cars.
-Good.
What's the worst you can say
about a car?
Well, a car that
you've ever owned.
Uh... Good airbags.
No, I said car,
not girlfriend.
And we didn't rehearse that!
Trust me. Um...
Yeah, I'm always,
well, actually,
the car that frustrated me
most last time was
an Aston Martin.
-DB7?
-Mmm.
Mmm, well, you see,
that's 30 years old now.
Exactly, that was the problem.
I got one,
and I've had a few of them,
and for some reason this time
I just got frustrated
with it.
-It's all the kind
of the Ford switches.
-I know what you mean.
I had a satellite navigation
system that went in, like...
Yeah, exactly, it was that big
and it took about 10 minutes
to calculate.
Yeah, and it only ever wants
to go to Bedford.
-Nice looking car, though.
-Oh!
Just... I still maintain
the most beautiful car
ever made.
-Yeah, I agree.
-That changes every week,
but this week, I really do.
No, I mean,
I'm with you, Jeremy.
It looks fantastic.
-But it's too old.
-It is.
Well, it's going very soon.
Will it be the DB9?
-DB9, looking forward
to that, yeah.
-Going to get one?
-Maybe. Mmm.
-Really?
I'm gonna hold off
for the AM V8.
You would.
-It's 'cause I'm not
as rich as you.
-Oh, yeah.
Don't believe a word of it!
No, no, do believe
a word of it!
Okay, we've got a list
of awesome cars I'd like
to bring up for you here.
Let's just see if you can
come up with some of your Pop
Idol-y put-downs for these.
First one I want to bring up,
I think, is the... Well,
let's have a look. What is it?
Ooh!
It's a Chrysler PT Cruiser.
It's a hearse.
You're right, actually,
that would make a good hearse.
Yeah. I mean, it is a hearse.
It's a friendly face from
the country that gave you
friendly fire.
What's next?
Oh, my God.
CLARKSON: Go on,
that's a Fiat Multipla.
It's like the car
has a disease.
-Do you know what I mean?
-Yeah, I know.
-Look, it's got spots.
-It's, like, deformed.
-Do you know what I mean?
-I do.
I mean, It's a great car
but, my word, it's ugly!
Imagine you've turned up
in that and you're on
your first date.
Or last date!
Incredible. It wouldn't work.
Bring another one up.
Now, ooh, look at that.
BMW 745i.
This guy's had a lot of stick,
this designer,
and I think rightly so.
Because every one
of his cars...
-They're horrible.
-They are.
They really are and they
should fire this guy.
-Chris Bangle.
-Yeah.
He's a septic.
American,
for those of you who...
Yeah. He has just killed BMW.
You look at that...
It's horrible!
Come on, let's try you
on something else, then.
Traffic wardens.
Can you be rude about those?
I like them.
-Now you're just being obtuse.
-No, I mean it!
Why?
Because I live
in London, Jeremy.
It takes me an hour
to drive a mile.
-Take away
the traffic wardens...
-Use the pedal on the right.
-I'm trying to make a serious
point here, Mr Clarkson.
-Hmm.
Point is, if you live
in London, you've got to
have traffic wardens.
We got to have traffic
wardens, we haven't got to
have bus lanes.
Okay, I'm sort of with you
on the bus lanes.
Thank God. I thought you
were going to say,
"No, they're marvellous."
Because I don't understand
why the poor need to get where
they're going more than you.
I never quite got that.
Interesting theory.
In Moscow, they have special
lanes for the rich and famous.
At the height of communism.
So, what you're saying is
convert the bus lanes into
a first-class lane?
-Yeah.
-Yep, I agree with you.
You would agree with that.
Yeah. And you pay a bit extra.
-I think it just goes on
how nice your car is.
-Yeah.
You could use
traffic wardens to judge...
'Cause most traffic wardens
I ever meet,
they're pretty good!
Now you are making sense.
So, if they stood
in the front of bus lanes,
"Yes, you in, you...
"You with the Skoda, out!"
Just sifting the traffic.
Actually, you're right.
I'd go along with that.
But, of course,
you'd be stumped because,
you're not going
to believe this,
ladies and gentlemen,
I know what car
he's just ordered.
A Mercedes Maybach.
-Yes.
-AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Yes.
Well, we've got time.
Why?
Point about a Maybach is,
it is not a car you drive,
it's a car to be driven in.
-Mmm-hmm.
-There's no better car to be
driven in than the Maybach.
-Mmm, there is.
-What?
-Well, the new Rolls,
for a kick-off.
-Disagree.
No, we got the new Rolls here,
that is a magnificent car!
It is engineering excellence!
They've captured the essence
of what a Rolls-Royce is.
Look at that!
That's the beginning
of Thunderbirds.
-Don't you just think
that's a fabulous...
-No.
-You know what?
It's ostentatious.
-What, and a Maybach isn't?
-It's discreet!
It's discreet.
A Maybach's not discreet!
Trust me, honestly,
it's like a
big mock-Georgian car!
The point is, it's like...
Sitting in the back
of a Maybach
is like being in a first-class
seat on British Airways.
So, if you're in a first-class
seat on British Airways,
you don't get outside of the
plane and go, "I don't
like the look of the plane."
It's all about the interior.
There is no better car.
You can't even park it in a
swimming pool,
rock n' roll-wise.
-Far too big!
Jeremy, I promise you,
you cannot be bored
in the back of a Maybach.
It's all about personality.
If you are judging its looks,
you are a human Maybach.
That one's gone.
Not being fair.
Help me out!
You're not on TV
because of the way you look.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
It is about your personality.
Oh, well, that's nice...
I was about to bring your
trouser waistline into it!
I didn't! I didn't! I didn't!
-Look!
-It's all right.
Perfectly acceptable.
I saw you the other night,
checked them out.
I don't know what
they're on about.
No, it was last year.
-It was the last year's look.
-Yeah. It was last year.
Now, you came here, of course,
to have a go round our
racetrack in the Suzuki Liana.
But, as you know,
before the celebs
are allowed out,
we do give you one
or two laps to have
a bit of a practise, yeah?
Anyone want to see some
of Simon's practices?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
I think I know what's coming.
Okay, let's have
a look at this.
CLARKSON:
Here we go,
that's Gambon and...
Oh, Lord! That was...
That was aggressive,
watch this one.
That looks like the first...
Whoo-hoo hoo!
You know what I love?
You give us the ugliest car
to drive around in,
then the worst crash helmet.
-Yeah.
-I mean...
Stig's got the cool one,
you give us an egg.
-Absolutely!
-Cheers!
Right, now, who would
like to see the
finished product?
-The lap, yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
Okay, let's play it.
-CLARKSON:
Are you a bit of a racer?
A bit, yeah.
-You like it?
-Yeah.
-A bit of a wheels man?
-Yeah.
Oh, dear.
CLARKSON: There's an awful
lot of tyre squeal,
mind you, I have to say,
those lines are pretty good.
Whoops!
Can't remember
who it was we had,
but the last couple
of weeks... That's quite wide!
I don't know, actually,
that's disappointingly good.
I was hoping to be very
rude about your lap but...
Damn, I really was looking
forward to taking
you apart but this is quite...
Ooh.
A little more expression
needed, if I may be so bold.
Across the line, yes.
Right, well, there we are.
I just got all these
things saying, you know,
you've got a future as an
electric motor-racing person.
I can't really be rude
about that,
'cause it looked pretty neat.
-That's right.
-And...
I've got the time as well.
How would you like
to have done?
I'd like to beat Jay Kay.
Well, everybody would like
to beat Jay Kay, but how
do you think you've done?
-I did okay, I think.
-Who wants to know
how fast he went?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
You did beat Jay Kay.
You did it in one minute,
47.1 seconds.
Yes!
The new leader of the board,
Simon Cowell!
-Brilliant.
-You just nuked it!
I wasn't even trying.
See, this is the really
annoying thing,
'cause everybody else
comes here and they're
a little bit on edge,
yet you just sat here, like,
"Yeah, I know I was quick."
-Damn!
-Look who's on the list.
Yeah, but... Look, now,
I'm sorry about this.
That's a gauntlet, I'm afraid.
-Before the end of the series,
I'm having...
-Oh, that's you?
-Yes.
-Yeah, but you're heavier.
-Yeah, and I was doing it...
-AUDIENCE: Oh!
So, I'm gonna give you that.
I'm going to do that.
Ladies and...
And it's not like you've had
much practise, is it?
No. No, none at all!
-I am so happy. I am so happy.
-Yeah, all right, all right.
All right! All right!
That's enough!
-I'm going to be so smug!
-Shut up!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Cowell!
Right.
The Cool Wall.
Done a bit of house-keeping,
tidying up. Some cars
we've already seen,
the Mazda RX8,
it was on the programme
earlier on, Jeremy drove it.
You know, really, it's...
Do you know what? I'm sorry
before we get to that,
I've had an idea.
-Oh, Lord.
-Brilliant.
-He's at the top, yeah?
-Yes.
You're really smarting!
If we have a phone vote
as whether he stays there!
-That's brilliant!
-It is.
Right. First car, Mazda RX8,
you drove it earlier on
in the programme,
four-door, four-seat coupe.
It's trying hard, it's
a coupe, but I think that's
a cool car, personally.
AUDIENCE: Yes.
-In agreement.
-What do you think?
It's comfortable to sit on.
HAMMOND: Come on!
Brilliant.
-Cool car?
-Cool car.
-Cool car?
-Yes, cool car.
No! Wrong!
No. Not cool.
Unfortunately, not cool.
Because, you know those
baggy knicker curtains
people have in houses?
It's trying too hard. They're
good at keeping the light out,
they look ridiculous.
The Nissan's trying hard!
I think that's...
We're not interested
in your arguments.
That alone is cool, I reckon.
Rotary engine...
AUDIENCE: Yes!
You would have to explain.
Somebody's going to say
to you, eventually,
"What is a Wankel engine?"
You're gonna say,
"Well, it's two cylinders,
with two, like, triangular
pistons that..."
-How cool's that?
-But you get to say "Wankel."
That's cool!
On telly!
-Anyway, this...
-Ferrari, yes!
Lamborghini Gallardo,
all right?
What do we think?
-Cool.
-Cool.
-Sub-zero.
-Sub-zero.
Subzero.
What do you...
Your hair's exploded!
Uncool and ugly.
-Why?
-Very ugly.
-Very ugly?
-Very.
-Mind you, ugliness isn't...
-It's not the same.
That can be cool.
It can be cool
to drive an ugly car.
The thing is about this one,
though, if I may raise it,
it's cool if you're
an 11-year-old boy.
Yeah? And it's cool
if you're an ageing rock star.
Well, it's your own test!
You pitch up at
Kristin Scott Thomas's place,
open the door,
when she looks in, you are 11!
-Yes.
-You actually are there as
an 11-year-old boy.
Hiya!
-Doesn't work?
-It doesn't work. What's that?
It's the Daihatsu Copen.
Anyone got any thoughts?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
It's an expensive shoe.
It is an expensive shoe?
I love the way that
these people come along
and comment on style.
Give us a twirl.
-That's terrific.
-HAMMOND: Good Lord!
It's great, in every way,
an expensive shoe.
You need to buy
a pair, definitely.
He's so right, though.
He's so right. Uncool.
I'll tell you what,
I've got one little thing
to do this week.
If I may.
Ha! I know what that means.
Was anybody watching
that week?
Did you, uh...
Expecting anything soon?
If I buy one,
it's coming up the board.
So, according to how far
you are down the
process of buying it, it's...
Well, I've put my name down,
so it's there.
When the order's accepted,
it'll be about here.
And then, when I need
to sell it, we'll be having it
right about here.
And if anybody sees you in
it, it'll be right away back
down here again, presumably.
I've had enough of this
Cool Wall for this week!
-I'm sick of it!
-I think we should go
and talk to James.
-Well, you should.
-Yes! Yes.
-Do you think
he's still here? James?
-James?
Right, the Italians.
What have they ever
done for us?
MAY: The Italians have
only really given the world
two things.
First, the Roman Empire
with its mosaics, plumbing,
togas and aqueducts.
And their other gift to
civilisation was
the cheap, small car.
Yeah, well, obviously
they did a few other bits
and pieces as well,
like, you know,
the Renaissance,
the telescope and pasta.
And astronomy and pathology
and the piano.
And they invented electricity.
But, anyway, I wanted to
concentrate on
the really important stuff.
So, let's get back
to the small car and
the rebirth of an icon,
the new Fiat Panda,
on sale here in January.
So, I've come for a drive to
see another of those great
Italian inventions, St Albans.
The Romans came here in 43
and built some nice ruins.
Roman baths.
Now, of course, everybody
makes a little car these days.
But it's something the
Italians have always been
especially good at,
unlike domestic plumbing,
for example,
or restaurant arithmetic.
The old Panda was one
of Fiat's greatest hits.
Introduced in AD 1980,
it sold over 4.5 million.
The boss of Ferrari called it,
"A historic symbol of Italy."
He didn't say anything
about Botticelli.
There are strict rules about
what makes a proper
small Italian car.
So, let's see how
the new Panda stacks up.
Now, to my mind,
a small Fiat should be
completely unpretentious.
So, this one scores
quite well already.
Other small cars are like
cutesy fashion statements,
but this one seems to say,
"Look, I'm just
a cheap little car.
"Let's just get on with it."
And being small, of course,
it's very easy to park.
But actually, this isn't
an issue to the Italians.
Here's some parking,
Naples-style.
Well, it is very small,
just 3.5 metres long,
but more importantly,
it's got really
quite a lot of space in it.
You could get a couple
of full-size adults
in the back here.
Or, more importantly,
about half a dozen children.
Now, this is vital
in your small Italian car
and all because of another
of their great inventions,
the Catholic church.
Now, small Fiats should
also be very cheap
because it stems from a long
tradition of basic cars for
people who are a bit hard-up.
Now, you'll be able to buy
a basic 1.1 Litre Panda
for £6,000.
£6,000!
This, however,
is the 1.2 Litre Dynamic.
This is a posh Panda!
But it's still only £6,500!
Six and a half grand!
And it's a whole car!
And it really is.
I mean, you get four doors,
you get electric front
windows, you get a radio,
you get power steering,
you get two air bags,
you get alloy wheels
and you get antilock brakes.
This is looking good
for Italy.
The Panda's honest,
it's cheap, it's very roomy.
What else do
we know about Italians?
Oh, yes! They all think
they're Ayrton Senna.
Now, this Panda is not fast.
Naught to 60 takes 14 seconds,
which is long enough to knock
up a decent penne al pesto!
And the top speed is
96 miles per hour, but
by the time you get there,
Venice will have sunk.
So, you just have to
drive like an Italian.
Blow the horn,
wave your arms around
and thrash it.
I quite like this 1.2 engine.
It's sort of feisty and eager!
It makes a great deal
of fuss without really
achieving very much.
Bit like the Italian
government, really.
I think Fiat has got this
small, cheap car, remember,
pretty much spot on!
I mean, it's got
the right size, it's
definitely the right price,
it's got the right amount
of space, it's got
the right amount of kit.
But for an Italian car,
there's still something
that bothers me.
Well, that's not right.
I mean, I've had this thing
nearly a week
and nothing's fallen off
and everything still works!
I mean, who the hell
do the Italians think
they are, anyway?
The Germans?
-So, you like it.
-I do like it.
You do know
it's just been voted
European Car of the Year,
which is by
a panel of judges that...
-Was it?
-...doesn't include us.
I think that's...
That's probably taking it
a bit far.
Because I mean,
the year includes,
well, the new Rolls-Royce.
-Yes.
-Which, to be honest,
I prefer.
Yes, I'm with you there.
-And the Porsche 911 GT3,
which I prefer.
-Again. Yes.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's Car of the Year
for six and a half grand!
Okay, now, all over the world,
the Toyota pickup truck
is marketed as the toughest
vehicle money can buy.
For £1,000, we got a
13-year-old Hilux diesel,
which had done 190,000 miles.
And, judging by its state
of it, only 10 of them had
been done on the road.
We love cars
like this on Top Gear!
It's why we like
the Citroen Berlingo and
the Daihatsu Charade.
They're simple,
honest to God engineering.
But this gives us a problem.
See, whenever you get
a Porsche to test,
we find out how fast it goes,
or we get a Renault Megane,
we find out how safe it is,
but this, as you know,
is built for strength.
So, we've got to find out
how tough it is.
That's why we
brought it to Bristol.
This city has an air
of solidity about it.
The paving stones,
for instance, are cemented
and then nailed in place.
The buildings look planted.
It's a Victorian ode
to the test of time.
So, let's find out how
the best built city in Britain
copes with our pick-up truck.
Now, this, I want to make it
plain, is not Hollywood.
We're not using stuntmen.
We're not gonna use any
computer graphics.
We haven't made any mechanical
alterations to the car at all.
We just picked it up
from the farmyard
and brought it here.
Oh, deary me!
That was a bit uncomfortable.
It damaged my spine
quite badly doing this.
And then it set about
damaging Bristol.
This didn't really
hurt it either.
Yeah, battery's good.
Radiator's good.
That'll buff out.
That's got it.
So, we left the city centre
and went to the seaside.
I'd tried careless driving.
So I thought I'd try
a spot of careless parking.
Look what's happened!
This is the Severn estuary,
home to the second biggest
tide in the world!
Forty feet! And it moves
at 8 miles an hour!
That's why the RNLI
have tethered my car in place.
I'm not going to get that out
for hours!
-Damn!
The lifeboatmen and locals
thought it was all
a huge laugh.
-So, that's going to
drown my car.
-Oh, yes.
-Well, when will I be able to
get it out again?
-A few hours.
The windscreen's still in!
But then, disaster.
The ropes tying it down
had snapped.
It could be out
in the main channel.
MAN: It could be on the
main channel. You may
never see it ever again.
-I don't think you've
quite got this.
We've got to get it back!
Very kindly, they waded out
to see if they could find it.
But it had gone.
And it didn't turn up until
the tide had gone out
five hours later.
The silt had jammed
the steering lock
and the cylinders were
flooded with seawater.
It was a wreck.
And though we'd brought
a mechanic along,
we had no spare parts.
Things looked bleak.
Well, the mechanic
has worked on it now for
40 minutes or so, I think.
And, uh,
it's not looking good.
It seems then, if you want
to kill one of these things,
the beach, the sea,
salt water, is the answer.
Sorry.
Um, wrong.
Astonishingly, the Toyota
was not dead.
- I do not
believe it!
Right, it's started.
Now, let's see if it moves.
So, it had survived
the West Country,
but would it survive
our test track?
The problem is, what can
we do here that we
haven't already tried?
Difficult one.
I mean, the only
solid structure
we have here is this,
the Top Gear
production office.
And that won't stop it.
The Americans have
used daisy-cutters on these
things to no avail.
But I've got something
much more powerful.
The Mistral GT.
What do you have
to do to kill one?
Ah.
Right.
A bit undignified but...
Here we go!
Lordy Lord,
I'm too old for this!
I honestly can't believe this!
The steering is fine,
the gearbox is fine,
the low range box is fine,
the brakes are fine.
Even the speedo is telling me
we're doing 30!
To give you an idea of just
how strong this car still is,
look what we've got here!
It's used
to fell sky-scrapers,
but look what happens when
you thump it into the car.
Well, the day thou gavest,
Lord, is ended.
But, sadly, the car isn't.
It survived trial by water,
it survived trial by Bristol
and trial by caravan.
But now it must face the most
difficult trial of them all.
Trial by fire.
That was phenomenal!
I know, amazing!
Be honest, did you really
not change any bits?
Not a thing, other
than the windscreen.
Because the seat took
the windscreen out,
we had to put a new one
in for driving through
our production office,
otherwise it've
taken my head off.
So, we put a piece of Perspex
in and that was it.
Other than that, nothing!
We just had hammers, spanners
and some WD-40 to get the
engine going after the sea.
All of which makes it more
of a shame that, in the end,
you killed it with fire.
That was churlish.
Well, that's the thing.
You probably won't believe
this, ladies and gentlemen.
I want a huge round
of applause,
it is still working!
My car!
Have you ever seen
anything like it?
What have you done?
Oh, dear, it's not
quite the same shape.
But I have to say, I think
the tracking's out slightly.
CLARKSON: That was
done when it was dropped.
You'll also notice
if you rock it slightly,
you can see, if we just bring
the camera around here,
this headlamp has
still got some of
the Bristol Channel in it.
HAMMOND: Oh, yes! And you've
got a light out on this
corner as well.
CLARKSON: Yup,
that was the tree!
That means it's
an MOT failure, we'll have to
do something about that.
The bonnet went up but then
the wrecking ball pushed
it back down again.
The interior, not pretty.
HAMMOND: Oh, no,
you're right. That is...
CLARKSON: Oh, yeah.
That's a bit singed!
And I notice above this
enormous rust hole, here,
there's quite a dent there.
That was the sum total of the
damage from the caravan.
-That little bit there.
-And what's in here?
That's your desk from
the production office.
You know you lost it.
-I used to sit there!
-You did. That's bust.
This is interesting, too.
You see this
little dent there?
-That was the wrecking ball.
-Right.
That would knock down
the Empire State Building,
that's all it did.
You certainly flattened
the T of Toyota.
Anyway, that's it
for this evening!
Sadly, we're not here
next week 'cause of...
Oh, I don't know,
antique county embroidery
match is on or something.
Anyway, but we'll see you
the week after that.
Take care!
Thanks for watching.
Good night!
Can we just stop
the competition now?
No, we bloody can't.
I'm going to call
Damon Hill next week,
ladies and gentlemen.
programme, James drives
Fiat's new baby.
Richard looks at classic
of the future.
And I attempt to destroy
a Toyota pickup truck.
Good evening. Now, we start
tonight with the naughty
problem of coupes.
You see, if you buy one,
you get very little
space in the back,
very small boot,
so all you're paying
for, really, are the looks.
This one, though,
is a little bit different.
It's the Mazda RX-8.
And the first thing you need
to know is that
it's not exactly
the prettiest car
in the world.
It's almost like they had
a styling suggestion box
at the factory, they got
millions of ideas
and then said,
"I know!
Let's have all of them."
So it's got triangles and
curves, and gills and the back
window from a Ford Anglia
and look at these lights.
They are busier than
a bishop's hat.
The second things you need
to know is that
it's not a coupe.
Again, it looks like
the work of a committee.
Half of them said,
"We want a two-door GT car",
and the other half said,
"No, no, no, no!
We want a four-door saloon!"
And they thought,
"I know! We'll have both."
So, open the door,
and it there and you've got
a sporty
red and black interior,
like a man's wash bag,
very coupe-ish.
But watch this.
Not exactly going
to work as a minicab,
in there,
but there's certainly
space in there for your
2.2 kids. Really.
It's the best of both worlds.
Cheap, too!
The old RX-7 used to be priced
to compete with Porsches.
It was £35,000.
But this one is just £22,000.
And don't think
they've skimped on equipment.
You get air conditioning,
you get
satellite navigation,
you get electric seats.
In fact the only place
where you get less
than you might be expecting
is under the bonnet.
Most cars of this type
come with huge engines,
but this has a 1.3.
So, you might be wondering,
what is a 1300cc
four-door saloon
doing on our track?
Normally, only the really fast
and exotic stuff
comes out here.
Let me show you.
It may only be a 1.3
but it's a Wankel
rotary engine.
So you get
228 brake horsepower
from a 1.3!
It's not the torquiest
engine in the world
or the most economical,
but God, it's smooth.
You even get a little buzzer.
Ready?
To tell you to change gear
at 9,000rpm.
Because, it doesn't feel
like it's running
on anything as coarse
and vulgar as petrol.
Feels like it's running
on double cream.
So, on the downside,
the styling is a bit fussy.
On the upside, though,
it's got a great engine,
it makes a great noise,
it goes like stink,
it's very comfortable,
it's practical,
it's well-priced
and it's well-equipped.
And then
there's the really good stuff.
This is one of the easiest
cars to drive fast
that I've ever come across.
It's just so forgiving.
It's kind of like a punch bag,
you can give it absolute hell.
And it just never fights back.
It's got the perfect layout,
front engine, rear-wheel drive
with a limited
slip differential.
Oh, perfect.
Ooh, aha!
The guy who was running Mazda
when they were designing
the RX-8 used to race cars.
And it kind of shows.
However, when you've finished
clowning around,
it settles down,
takes off its Terminator
suit and becomes Jane Austen.
Quiet, comfortable
and dignified.
This car is sensational.
You get all the benefits
of a coupe,
with none of the drawbacks.
And all the practicalities
of a saloon
with none of the tedium.
Of all the cars I've driven
this year, I'm pretty sure
this one is the best.
HAMMOND: The best car?
No.
Well, you did just say
the best car
you've driven this year.
-Yeah, I was lying.
-Okay.
No! The thing about it is,
is that it was great,
but after I'd recorded that,
I drove it on a wet road
and it's awfully twitchy.
There's something about
these tyres that make it
really, yeah, a bit skittish.
However, it shouldn't
be a problem for the Stig
because it's bone
dry out there.
So, moshi moshi, Stig-san.
And away he goes.
Ooh! Lots of wheel spin,
lots of wheel spin.
And coming up
to the first corner,
bit of a wobble there.
I hope that's not a
sign of things to come.
Oh, dear!
First corner, already
the Mazda's oversteering.
That's, uh... That's what
the Stig calls music
from the Thresher ad.
Look at that understeer.
Surprisingly bad
and he's got...
What's he got going in, then?
Oversteer going in and then,
sort of understeer.
Did speak to the Stig earlier,
he assured me
this would be the fastest
technique for this car.
Can he hold it through
the follow through?
Looking a bit ragged.
Ooh, that's not bad.
Over the first half
of the lap, the RX-8 was
almost level with the BMW M3.
I know it doesn't look
like it, this could
be a seriously good time.
More oversteer, but
understeer, he's got the lot!
And across the...
-You want to know the time?
-Yeah! Go on.
One minute, 31.8.
-That means that is exactly
the same time as an M3 BMW.
-HAMMOND: An M3!
-That's very, very quick.
-That is quick.
However, there is, of course,
another coupe
that everybody
is talking about at the moment
and it's this.
The Nissan 350 Z.
Now, just look
at it briefly for a second.
Look at the difference.
It's a big, squat, butch car.
-It doesn't have
a silly Wankel...
-Butch car.
Nothing's hanging low,
you know what I mean?
It's a V6.
3.5 litre,
none of your Wankel nonsense.
Now, we've sent that round
our track, with the Stig.
And that has done
a time as well. You want
to know what it was?
-I know what it was.
-It was exactly the same.
-1.31.8?
-Yeah, which is incredible,
really, when you think.
The two... I mean, one point
whatever that is...
CLARKSON: So, they're exactly
the same speed
except there are a couple
of differences,
in that that costs £2,000 more
and wears you out when
you drive it.
This is more practical
and more fun to drive.
That is a very, very good car.
Right. Now here is the news.
And we'll stick with coupes.
And this is the new
Alfa Romeo GT,
on sale beginning
of next year. You can have
a 3.2 V6.
It's gonna be 20 to £27,000.
I've actually driven it
and I rather like it.
I think it looks great.
I think it looks brilliant.
No, I don't. It's rubbish.
MAY: No, it's not.
What's going on with you
at the moment? You keep
not liking really nice...
No, honestly,
we haven't got a photograph
of it from the back.
-Oh, no, I have.
-It's got a really...
-Oh, okay. How bad is it?
-Can you see this?
CLARKSON: It's just a bit
Vanessa Feltzy.
HAMMOND: I like it.
It's just, I'm not sure,
it's styled by Bertone and I'm
not sure he isn't a bit...
You know, he designs with
his right hand and actually
he's left-handed.
-MAY: No, no!
-It is not...
How much is it gonna be?
Well, 20 to £27,000, we think.
-But that's not official.
-For what?
-£20,000 for a cheap one
and then...
-£20,000 for a 1.8 twin spark.
The 3.2 V6 probably
about £27,000. That's the one
I drove.
The only thing I would just
say though about owning
an Alfa Romeo
-is you have to, in order
to be petrosexual.
-MAY: Yes.
You must, at some point,
have owned an Alfa Romeo
in your...
-You've had one, haven't you?
-I had one, have you had one?
-Yeah, I had one.
-I had a 164.
-I had a GT 6. And so you...
-No, I haven't had one.
-MAY: Ah!
-I haven't.
He's is not a proper
petrol, you're not a petrol...
-How long do I have
to have it for?
-Seven minutes.
Why can't I just go
into a shop,
sign for it on credit
and then sign to sell it,
on another piece of paper?
Well, you could do,
but you'd have lost £3,000.
Yes, but I'd only have
to drive about 100 yards
from the new to the used
sales department.
-So, it could probably
only break down once.
-Yeah. It will break down.
No, honestly,
you've got to do it.
-Has anyone here got an Alfa?
-MAN: Yes.
-Are you a Pisces?
-Why?
-What?
-You are a Pisces
with an Alfa Romeo, yeah.
All Pisceans have an...
What an Earth are you
talking about star signs for?
Pisceans like a bit of a blub.
And there is nothing
guaranteed to get
the blub going,
"It's broken down again,
it hates me." It doesn't
hate you, it's just an Alfa.
-I knew it.
-You're right, you're right.
-All right, you are a Piscean.
-I don't care.
And you do have an Alfa Romeo?
-It's a fact.
-I knew it.
But I'm a Capricorn,
and Capricorns
don't believe in astrology.
-Well, you've got a Bentley.
-Capricorns have Bentleys.
-No, they don't, though,
do they?
Because my mum's got one,
she hasn't got a Bentley,
she's got a Seat Arosa.
-That's not a Bentley.
-No, 'cause they either
have Bentleys
or Seat Arosas, Capricorns.
-Is that a known fact?
-Yes, a known fact.
But of all that,
I got that right.
-Two Alpha owners, isn't it?
One...
-Jeremy.
Is anybody here a Piscean
but not owning an Alpha?
-CROWD: Yeah!
-I didn't say that.
-That's false logic.
And there's another thing.
Because, all the Pisceans
would have been here,
but their Alphas broke down
on the way!
-CLARKSON: There, you see?
Story here, Schumacher
is to race a jetfighter
in his Ferrari.
-We've done that.
-Yeah, we've done that.
-HAMMOND: Well, he won't win,
so that's...
-He won't win. He'll lose. Ah.
Now, you know for years, uh,
everybody, really, has been
trying to develop
an electric car,
you know, one
that runs on batteries.
Now, this is fraught
with difficulties, frankly.
First of all, you plug
it into the mains
and you get the power
to charge your batteries
from a...
-BOTH: Power station.
-Power station.
-Which burns... Or gas.
-BOTH: Coal or oil.
-So not particularly
environmentally friendly.
-No.
Now the big trick,
the car makers have been
working on now for years
is to develop a car
that has its own power station
in the boot,
that drives in the car.
And it's a power station
that runs on hydrogen.
You put hydrogen in. All you
get out of the back is H2O.
Water.
Totally green.
Don't plug it in.
And Mercedes has cracked it.
Here it is.
-This is what
they've come up with.
-HAMMOND: An A-Class?
CLARKSON: It is an A-Class.
Completely conventional.
It's got,
I've got the figures here,
86 brake horsepower.
-That's all right.
-Yeah. Top speed
of 87 miles an hour
MAY: How much is it?
It's, um...
Well, what's a normal A-Class?
-About 14, £15,000.
-About 14,000-ish? Yeah.
-This is a little bit more.
It's £300,000.
That is a bit steep
for a small family car.
That's genesis.
You can remember
where you were
when you first saw that.
Vegging out in front
of the sofa on a Sunday night
with the kids saying,
"I wish they'd talk
about Lamborghinis."
-HAMMOND: It's boring.
Now... Speed cameras.
Been massive growth
and they are in the news
at the moment. I mean,
10 years ago,
there were virtually none.
Now we have got
around about 5,000.
Now, because all these
cameras are supposed
to be highly visible,
and because they are all
supposed to be put at known
accident black spots,
you would imagine,
would you not,
that they've had a dramatic
effect on the number of people
being killed on our roads.
I mean, if you see a camera
there and it's an accident
black spot, you slow down
'cause you don't want
to get fined.
Well, we've got a chart here
which shows what's
been going on.
This is the number of people
who've been convicted
since 1996.
It was round about 250,000.
Now it's just gone past,
or rather by 2001,
which is the last year
for which we have
figures available,
it's gone past
a million in a year.
And yet the number
of road deaths
-virtually constant.
-HAMMOND: Hmm.
Almost exactly the same now
as it was back in 1996.
Absolutely.
Sadly, not the decline
you'd want to see.
But they're not at accident
black spots, okay?
There's been some research
into the most dangerous
stretches of road,
in another words,
accident black spots.
These are the 10 sites
that has been identified
as the worst.
These particular roads
and these particular
stretches of them, okay?
They amount to a total
of 137 miles on these
10 or so places.
You'd imagine
they'd be festooned
with speed cameras
if that's where
they're putting them.
Between all of those sites,
all of those 137 miles of road
at 10 positions...
Four.
-Four.
The thing is though,
even if the cameras
were there,
I could still drive
up any of those roads
drunk, uninsured,
high on magic mushrooms
in a stolen Nissan.
But as long as
I didn't actually
go over the speed limit,
I'd get away with it.
You see, that's the problem
we're facing, this,
because the people
who like the speed cameras
you think that's a good idea,
are forever telling us
that 33% of all fatalities
are caused by
excessive and inappropriate
use of speed.
But the fact is, the fact is
the Transport
Research Laboratory,
who are proper scientists,
and not just mad vegetarians
on bicycles,
they are proper,
proper scientists,
they say it's actually
7% of accidents are caused
by excess speed.
Seven.
So, you've got to ask yourself
just what are these speed
cameras are for?
If they're not putting them
at accident black spots,
and even if they were,
it's been discovered that
only 7% of accidents
are attributable to speed.
What are they for?
Well, I can tell you one thing
we know about them
for certain.
Last year alone,
they raised £73 million.
What are we gonna do?
That's the big one.
What are we gonna do? Well,
simple fact of the matter is,
when the police
get your photograph,
they send you a letter saying
who was driving
the car at the time
and British law,
at the moment,
says you have to tell them.
But we're in the EU,
and European law says you have
the right to remain silent.
-So, really,
we face a simple choice.
We either join the EU,
in which case we lose the
Queen's head from the money,
or stay where we are
and lose all our money.
Let's talk about
something else, okay!
This being a car programme,
let's talk about houses.
How many times have you been
told by somebody, "Oh, I made
a fortune on my house?"
Well, that's rubbish! Because
everybody's houses are going
up at the same rate.
The only way to make money
on a house is to buy it
somewhere that's bad
that then becomes good.
Fine, how can you do that
with a car?
What you need is a car
that's not yet a classic
but that one day will be.
A kind of classic
waiting in the wings,
if you will.
And this scheme
has the whiff
of genius about it.
What you're looking
for is a car
that's young enough
to still be good to drive
and reliable,
but old enough
to have been forgotten.
A car like this.
The Volkswagen Corrado VR6.
This was VW's sports coupe
for the '90s
and I think it's really
rather special,
even though, under the skin,
it's a bit of a mongrel.
It's been kind of cobbled
together from bits of old VWs.
So, we've got Passat
in the rear suspension,
a bit of Mk2 Golf
at the front.
But they knew
what they were doing.
The result is fantastic.
This drives as well as,
if not better,
than a lot of current cars.
And I mean that.
It really does.
And remember, we're talking
about a car that went
out of production
eight years ago.
And it's quick, like properly
quick. Naught to 60,
it'll do in 6.7 seconds.
Well, that's quick today.
That 2.9 litre V6 up front,
190 brake horse power
it puts out,
it sounds fantastic.
There were other
versions available,
but this is the one
to go for,
because that VR6 engine
is one of the best
VW ever made.
So, its looks
and its performance
go some way
towards making it
a future classic,
but there is another factor
that's even more important.
It was a complete flop.
It was too expensive
and nobody bought it,
which means it's quite rare.
And there's one more thing.
It's the only '90s
coupe that isn't
completely embarrassing.
I mean, think about it.
Just what message
are you sending the world
when you're seen climbing out
of a Calibra?
Or a Pro? Or even a Celica?
Not good.
My second tip
comes from the 1980s.
It's this.
The Mercedes 190E 2.5 16.
Quite a mouthful!
And that's not even
the full title, because you
got to strap
Cosworth onto the end of that,
because Cosworth helped
develop the engine.
And that give a clue
as to what this car is about.
Of course, every potential
classic should have a good
story attached to it.
And that's the case with this
Mercedes, because we got
this car by default.
Basically, Mercedes developed
the 190E 2.5 16 Cosworth
to go rallying.
But just as they were ready
to launch it
onto the rally scene,
Audi brought out the Quattro.
And that changed everything.
Without four-wheel drive,
the Mercedes would've been
absolutely hopeless.
So, they abandoned their
plans to go rallying
and decided to produce
this road-going
version instead.
And it's a belter.
So, It's really not an
especially sophisticated car,
four-cylinder engine,
but it's powerful.
That 197 brake horse power
Cosworth engine
is very, very good.
Plus, and this is always good
for classic status,
it's got a racing pedigree.
Because when the rallying
plans fell through,
Mercedes simply
took it track racing instead.
In the 1990s,
it clocked up 50 wins
and the German Touring
Car Championship.
In fact, in his day,
Martin Brundle said
this had one of the best
handling saloon car chassis
anywhere in the world.
And he knows what
he's talking about.
This was very much
the Mercedes equivalent
of the BMW M3.
And, in truth,
it was really was always
in the shadow of the M3.
It was Cinderella,
but the coach never came.
But you know that
underdog factor
is part of its appeal.
Next to this, the BMW
looks a bit,
well, obvious.
Tempted? Well, if you are,
you're best off going for one
in black or silver
with an automatic gearbox,
which is why I'm driving
pink one with a manual box.
Obviously.
In a few years, these two
will be proper
all-the-medals classics,
without the beady image,
the rampant engine failure
and the moss on seats.
So, my advice is buy one now,
before everybody wants them.
And that brings us rather
neatly onto something new.
It's this. Our classic wall.
Now we already have
the cool wall. This works
in the same sort of way.
But on this side,
we've got cars that we think
will become classis
in the future, and on this
side, the ones that won't.
The crocks. Now,
I've set the ball rolling
with these two, then
VW Corrado that we saw
and the Mercedes.
There you go, there.
Guaranteed future classics.
But we have some rules
about this. To qualify
as a future classic,
any car, we're talking about
stuff from the 90's, has to be
one of these things.
-Rare, beautiful,
or interesting.
-HAMMOND: Yes, yes.
-HAMMOND: Yes.
-And I'd like to propose,
-the original Lexus LS400.
HAMMOND: Which is none
of those things!
-I think it's interesting.
-No! It's not interesting,
it's not rare, and it's
sure as heck isn't beautiful.
It's hideous, James.
-What's wrong with it?
-We've had this wall
five minutes,
and you've just ruined it.
I'll put it there,
but I'll tell you a story.
Okay, when I was at school,
1979, I was a school boy,
at the end of the school day
we used to run down
the end of the drive
and line up because we wanted
to laugh at my
English teacher
as she drove home
in the MkII Jag.
Yes, but...
But that became beautiful.
-That never will.
It belongs there.
-How do you know?
Well, I've got one here, okay?
The Citroen XM.
CLARKSON: For God's sake.
HAMMOND: Bear with me!
-It is rare.
-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
HAMMOND: That goes there.
And we'll explain why
in a minute.
Would anyone like
to has it a guess
why Citroen XM was rare?
-Yeah, I know...
Jeremy, can I ask?
What is that?
This is an Alfa Romeo GT V6.
A Magnificent car.
-HAMMOND: I believe
you had one.
-I did indeed.
HAMMOND: And how much
did you pay for it, Jeremy?
-Ah... £5,000.
-And then you sold it.
-And how much
did you sell it for?
-£3,000.
Okay. That didn't go too well.
And how much was it worth
a year later?
-£7,000.
-So much do you know
about all of this?
Absolutely nothing!
Made a mistake on this one.
Well, on that subject,
can I bring up the original
BMW CSL?
-I believe you had one
of these as well, didn't you?
-I did.
-And how much
did you pay for it?
-£3,000.
-And how much
did you sell it for?
-£2,000.
-And how much was it worth
about a year later?
-£12,000.
In fact, as well, the BMW Z1,
that's the car you had
and you sold it, made a loss.
They're going up in value.
It is in fact, classic.
The Ferrari F355.
Did you have one of these?
-Yes, yes, yes.
-MAY: Have you sold it?
Yes, future classic, on.
See, just... Can
I just interrupt here?
Get out of the way.
All these cars, you'll note,
I've chosen well.
-HAMMOND: Oh, yes.
-All of them are classics.
-HAMMOND: Very well, Jeremy.
-It's my timing.
The timing is everything,
It's like the stock market.
What you all doing is,
buying high, and selling low.
I've just come
up with another rule
of future classics.
Jeremy buys, you sell.
If he's selling, you buy.
CLARKSON: Now, this is Barry.
Barry is a middle-aged man,
which means that, pretty soon,
he is going to be thinking
about buying a sports car.
He thinks it will
make him more virile
and more attractive.
The trouble is, because Barry
is middle-aged,
all his hair has fallen out.
So, that means
he's gonna need a hairpiece
of some kind,
and that's
a dangerous combination.
Hairpiece, sports car.
We're in a minefield
of potential
embarrassment here.
So we thought
we'd come up with an idea.
The Top Gear toupee test.
The first one we're gonna
test is this one.
It's a full wig
known as the blob. Okay!
-Shall we see how it goes?
-CROWD: Yeah.
Run the film.
Okay, want to make it plain,
the wig was held in place
with double-sided wig tape,
not just plonked on his head.
-CLARKSON: Here we go.
Coming up now toward
the national speed limit.
Some of the shape
has been lost.
Some of the style...
Oh, no, it's gone!
It's gone!
At just 110 miles an hour,
it was all over.
So, what happens
if we up the ante
and try something
a little bit more expensive?
That was only £60.
This is little more pricey.
No, really, it is. Let's see.
This is Indonesian
craftsmanship.
It'll set you back about £90!
So let's see how much speed
you get for your money.
There he is,
an absolute beauty.
Made from 50% real human hair.
Comes as standard
with a one-inch
reinforced taping perimeter!
So, it really is
the absolute...
Oh, it's gone!
Oh, no! At just
85 miles an hour!
Oh! It's...
Certainly...
That's certainly the first
time the Stig has ever had
another man's hair in his lap.
Okay, now then,
let's just remove that
and see what happens
if we go
for the Rolls-Royce
of syrups. Okay.
There it is. Look at that,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now let's see
how fast you can go.
Handmade in Korea,
it will cost you £250.
But it is made from 100%
natural fibres,
which are longer.
So you can cut it
to your own spec.
Side-parting
is quite a head turner.
Really... Oh no!
68 miles an hour
and it's all over.
His self-worth is ruined.
The moral of the story,
then, seems to be that
if you want to go really
fast in a convertible,
get yourself something
very cheap,
very made of nylon.
Absolutely.
Now, you may have noticed
that all of the wigs there
were blown off forwards.
It had something
to do with aerodynamics.
It's actually because
the wind's comes over here,
and then it goes that way.
Bit of a problem.
However, the good news
for wig wearers
is that you can get
round this. By having a car
with this,
a wind deflector. It's been
fitted to some of the more
expensive cabriolets.
Okay! Let's see if it works.
We refitted Barry
in the most expensive,
but worst performing wig,
which, in the TVR,
blew off at just
68 miles an hour.
As you can see,
we're going past that now.
And it's still looking good.
We're into autobahn territory,
getting on now,
I think for about... Oh,
look at that! Look at that.
Coming up to
140 miles an hour,
and still Barry is able
to maintain his dignity.
That wind deflector
really works.
Astonishing. You know, I think
that just sort of thing that
makes us the world's premier
motoring programme.
Because we set out to answer
the questions
that you didn't even realise
needed asking.
Quite, quite.
-Shall we meet a guest?
-Always.
Good idea. He is
Mr Pop Idol.
People say he's
the rudest person
on television,
so this should be interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Cowell!
-How are you?
-I'm sorry!
I'm sorry about this.
-I'm very well, how are you?
-Another warm welcome!
Thank you.
-I think I know
what their problem is.
-What?
It's those contestants
on Pop Idol.
You're just not hard enough.
What would you say to them?
Ooh, believe me,
you couldn't transmit what
I've got to say about them.
Well, the difference is,
Jeremy, I actually know
something about music,
-you don't.
-With respect.
On the evidence we've seen
so far,
I'd counter
that you don't know a thing!
That...
What's he called? Bill Gates.
-No, not him.
-Gareth Gates!
I could beat him
in a game of Snap.
And who's the other one?
-What's the other one?
-Will Young.
What's happened to his mouth?
-What's wrong with it?
-It looks like he's
been hit with an axe!
Listen, I was given
the Top Gear album once.
That was good.
So, you're not a fan
of the Doobie Brothers?
Yeah, very current, the album!
You and me after the show,
I'm gonna sit you down
and I'm gonna
play you a selection
of the stuff on my
CD auto-changer.
-Yeah, can't wait.
-Genesis, Doobie Brothers,
this is...
No, looking around, forget it.
-Okay, let's move it on
to cars.
-Good.
What's the worst you can say
about a car?
Well, a car that
you've ever owned.
Uh... Good airbags.
No, I said car,
not girlfriend.
And we didn't rehearse that!
Trust me. Um...
Yeah, I'm always,
well, actually,
the car that frustrated me
most last time was
an Aston Martin.
-DB7?
-Mmm.
Mmm, well, you see,
that's 30 years old now.
Exactly, that was the problem.
I got one,
and I've had a few of them,
and for some reason this time
I just got frustrated
with it.
-It's all the kind
of the Ford switches.
-I know what you mean.
I had a satellite navigation
system that went in, like...
Yeah, exactly, it was that big
and it took about 10 minutes
to calculate.
Yeah, and it only ever wants
to go to Bedford.
-Nice looking car, though.
-Oh!
Just... I still maintain
the most beautiful car
ever made.
-Yeah, I agree.
-That changes every week,
but this week, I really do.
No, I mean,
I'm with you, Jeremy.
It looks fantastic.
-But it's too old.
-It is.
Well, it's going very soon.
Will it be the DB9?
-DB9, looking forward
to that, yeah.
-Going to get one?
-Maybe. Mmm.
-Really?
I'm gonna hold off
for the AM V8.
You would.
-It's 'cause I'm not
as rich as you.
-Oh, yeah.
Don't believe a word of it!
No, no, do believe
a word of it!
Okay, we've got a list
of awesome cars I'd like
to bring up for you here.
Let's just see if you can
come up with some of your Pop
Idol-y put-downs for these.
First one I want to bring up,
I think, is the... Well,
let's have a look. What is it?
Ooh!
It's a Chrysler PT Cruiser.
It's a hearse.
You're right, actually,
that would make a good hearse.
Yeah. I mean, it is a hearse.
It's a friendly face from
the country that gave you
friendly fire.
What's next?
Oh, my God.
CLARKSON: Go on,
that's a Fiat Multipla.
It's like the car
has a disease.
-Do you know what I mean?
-Yeah, I know.
-Look, it's got spots.
-It's, like, deformed.
-Do you know what I mean?
-I do.
I mean, It's a great car
but, my word, it's ugly!
Imagine you've turned up
in that and you're on
your first date.
Or last date!
Incredible. It wouldn't work.
Bring another one up.
Now, ooh, look at that.
BMW 745i.
This guy's had a lot of stick,
this designer,
and I think rightly so.
Because every one
of his cars...
-They're horrible.
-They are.
They really are and they
should fire this guy.
-Chris Bangle.
-Yeah.
He's a septic.
American,
for those of you who...
Yeah. He has just killed BMW.
You look at that...
It's horrible!
Come on, let's try you
on something else, then.
Traffic wardens.
Can you be rude about those?
I like them.
-Now you're just being obtuse.
-No, I mean it!
Why?
Because I live
in London, Jeremy.
It takes me an hour
to drive a mile.
-Take away
the traffic wardens...
-Use the pedal on the right.
-I'm trying to make a serious
point here, Mr Clarkson.
-Hmm.
Point is, if you live
in London, you've got to
have traffic wardens.
We got to have traffic
wardens, we haven't got to
have bus lanes.
Okay, I'm sort of with you
on the bus lanes.
Thank God. I thought you
were going to say,
"No, they're marvellous."
Because I don't understand
why the poor need to get where
they're going more than you.
I never quite got that.
Interesting theory.
In Moscow, they have special
lanes for the rich and famous.
At the height of communism.
So, what you're saying is
convert the bus lanes into
a first-class lane?
-Yeah.
-Yep, I agree with you.
You would agree with that.
Yeah. And you pay a bit extra.
-I think it just goes on
how nice your car is.
-Yeah.
You could use
traffic wardens to judge...
'Cause most traffic wardens
I ever meet,
they're pretty good!
Now you are making sense.
So, if they stood
in the front of bus lanes,
"Yes, you in, you...
"You with the Skoda, out!"
Just sifting the traffic.
Actually, you're right.
I'd go along with that.
But, of course,
you'd be stumped because,
you're not going
to believe this,
ladies and gentlemen,
I know what car
he's just ordered.
A Mercedes Maybach.
-Yes.
-AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Yes.
Well, we've got time.
Why?
Point about a Maybach is,
it is not a car you drive,
it's a car to be driven in.
-Mmm-hmm.
-There's no better car to be
driven in than the Maybach.
-Mmm, there is.
-What?
-Well, the new Rolls,
for a kick-off.
-Disagree.
No, we got the new Rolls here,
that is a magnificent car!
It is engineering excellence!
They've captured the essence
of what a Rolls-Royce is.
Look at that!
That's the beginning
of Thunderbirds.
-Don't you just think
that's a fabulous...
-No.
-You know what?
It's ostentatious.
-What, and a Maybach isn't?
-It's discreet!
It's discreet.
A Maybach's not discreet!
Trust me, honestly,
it's like a
big mock-Georgian car!
The point is, it's like...
Sitting in the back
of a Maybach
is like being in a first-class
seat on British Airways.
So, if you're in a first-class
seat on British Airways,
you don't get outside of the
plane and go, "I don't
like the look of the plane."
It's all about the interior.
There is no better car.
You can't even park it in a
swimming pool,
rock n' roll-wise.
-Far too big!
Jeremy, I promise you,
you cannot be bored
in the back of a Maybach.
It's all about personality.
If you are judging its looks,
you are a human Maybach.
That one's gone.
Not being fair.
Help me out!
You're not on TV
because of the way you look.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
It is about your personality.
Oh, well, that's nice...
I was about to bring your
trouser waistline into it!
I didn't! I didn't! I didn't!
-Look!
-It's all right.
Perfectly acceptable.
I saw you the other night,
checked them out.
I don't know what
they're on about.
No, it was last year.
-It was the last year's look.
-Yeah. It was last year.
Now, you came here, of course,
to have a go round our
racetrack in the Suzuki Liana.
But, as you know,
before the celebs
are allowed out,
we do give you one
or two laps to have
a bit of a practise, yeah?
Anyone want to see some
of Simon's practices?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
I think I know what's coming.
Okay, let's have
a look at this.
CLARKSON:
Here we go,
that's Gambon and...
Oh, Lord! That was...
That was aggressive,
watch this one.
That looks like the first...
Whoo-hoo hoo!
You know what I love?
You give us the ugliest car
to drive around in,
then the worst crash helmet.
-Yeah.
-I mean...
Stig's got the cool one,
you give us an egg.
-Absolutely!
-Cheers!
Right, now, who would
like to see the
finished product?
-The lap, yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!
Okay, let's play it.
-CLARKSON:
Are you a bit of a racer?
A bit, yeah.
-You like it?
-Yeah.
-A bit of a wheels man?
-Yeah.
Oh, dear.
CLARKSON: There's an awful
lot of tyre squeal,
mind you, I have to say,
those lines are pretty good.
Whoops!
Can't remember
who it was we had,
but the last couple
of weeks... That's quite wide!
I don't know, actually,
that's disappointingly good.
I was hoping to be very
rude about your lap but...
Damn, I really was looking
forward to taking
you apart but this is quite...
Ooh.
A little more expression
needed, if I may be so bold.
Across the line, yes.
Right, well, there we are.
I just got all these
things saying, you know,
you've got a future as an
electric motor-racing person.
I can't really be rude
about that,
'cause it looked pretty neat.
-That's right.
-And...
I've got the time as well.
How would you like
to have done?
I'd like to beat Jay Kay.
Well, everybody would like
to beat Jay Kay, but how
do you think you've done?
-I did okay, I think.
-Who wants to know
how fast he went?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
You did beat Jay Kay.
You did it in one minute,
47.1 seconds.
Yes!
The new leader of the board,
Simon Cowell!
-Brilliant.
-You just nuked it!
I wasn't even trying.
See, this is the really
annoying thing,
'cause everybody else
comes here and they're
a little bit on edge,
yet you just sat here, like,
"Yeah, I know I was quick."
-Damn!
-Look who's on the list.
Yeah, but... Look, now,
I'm sorry about this.
That's a gauntlet, I'm afraid.
-Before the end of the series,
I'm having...
-Oh, that's you?
-Yes.
-Yeah, but you're heavier.
-Yeah, and I was doing it...
-AUDIENCE: Oh!
So, I'm gonna give you that.
I'm going to do that.
Ladies and...
And it's not like you've had
much practise, is it?
No. No, none at all!
-I am so happy. I am so happy.
-Yeah, all right, all right.
All right! All right!
That's enough!
-I'm going to be so smug!
-Shut up!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Cowell!
Right.
The Cool Wall.
Done a bit of house-keeping,
tidying up. Some cars
we've already seen,
the Mazda RX8,
it was on the programme
earlier on, Jeremy drove it.
You know, really, it's...
Do you know what? I'm sorry
before we get to that,
I've had an idea.
-Oh, Lord.
-Brilliant.
-He's at the top, yeah?
-Yes.
You're really smarting!
If we have a phone vote
as whether he stays there!
-That's brilliant!
-It is.
Right. First car, Mazda RX8,
you drove it earlier on
in the programme,
four-door, four-seat coupe.
It's trying hard, it's
a coupe, but I think that's
a cool car, personally.
AUDIENCE: Yes.
-In agreement.
-What do you think?
It's comfortable to sit on.
HAMMOND: Come on!
Brilliant.
-Cool car?
-Cool car.
-Cool car?
-Yes, cool car.
No! Wrong!
No. Not cool.
Unfortunately, not cool.
Because, you know those
baggy knicker curtains
people have in houses?
It's trying too hard. They're
good at keeping the light out,
they look ridiculous.
The Nissan's trying hard!
I think that's...
We're not interested
in your arguments.
That alone is cool, I reckon.
Rotary engine...
AUDIENCE: Yes!
You would have to explain.
Somebody's going to say
to you, eventually,
"What is a Wankel engine?"
You're gonna say,
"Well, it's two cylinders,
with two, like, triangular
pistons that..."
-How cool's that?
-But you get to say "Wankel."
That's cool!
On telly!
-Anyway, this...
-Ferrari, yes!
Lamborghini Gallardo,
all right?
What do we think?
-Cool.
-Cool.
-Sub-zero.
-Sub-zero.
Subzero.
What do you...
Your hair's exploded!
Uncool and ugly.
-Why?
-Very ugly.
-Very ugly?
-Very.
-Mind you, ugliness isn't...
-It's not the same.
That can be cool.
It can be cool
to drive an ugly car.
The thing is about this one,
though, if I may raise it,
it's cool if you're
an 11-year-old boy.
Yeah? And it's cool
if you're an ageing rock star.
Well, it's your own test!
You pitch up at
Kristin Scott Thomas's place,
open the door,
when she looks in, you are 11!
-Yes.
-You actually are there as
an 11-year-old boy.
Hiya!
-Doesn't work?
-It doesn't work. What's that?
It's the Daihatsu Copen.
Anyone got any thoughts?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
It's an expensive shoe.
It is an expensive shoe?
I love the way that
these people come along
and comment on style.
Give us a twirl.
-That's terrific.
-HAMMOND: Good Lord!
It's great, in every way,
an expensive shoe.
You need to buy
a pair, definitely.
He's so right, though.
He's so right. Uncool.
I'll tell you what,
I've got one little thing
to do this week.
If I may.
Ha! I know what that means.
Was anybody watching
that week?
Did you, uh...
Expecting anything soon?
If I buy one,
it's coming up the board.
So, according to how far
you are down the
process of buying it, it's...
Well, I've put my name down,
so it's there.
When the order's accepted,
it'll be about here.
And then, when I need
to sell it, we'll be having it
right about here.
And if anybody sees you in
it, it'll be right away back
down here again, presumably.
I've had enough of this
Cool Wall for this week!
-I'm sick of it!
-I think we should go
and talk to James.
-Well, you should.
-Yes! Yes.
-Do you think
he's still here? James?
-James?
Right, the Italians.
What have they ever
done for us?
MAY: The Italians have
only really given the world
two things.
First, the Roman Empire
with its mosaics, plumbing,
togas and aqueducts.
And their other gift to
civilisation was
the cheap, small car.
Yeah, well, obviously
they did a few other bits
and pieces as well,
like, you know,
the Renaissance,
the telescope and pasta.
And astronomy and pathology
and the piano.
And they invented electricity.
But, anyway, I wanted to
concentrate on
the really important stuff.
So, let's get back
to the small car and
the rebirth of an icon,
the new Fiat Panda,
on sale here in January.
So, I've come for a drive to
see another of those great
Italian inventions, St Albans.
The Romans came here in 43
and built some nice ruins.
Roman baths.
Now, of course, everybody
makes a little car these days.
But it's something the
Italians have always been
especially good at,
unlike domestic plumbing,
for example,
or restaurant arithmetic.
The old Panda was one
of Fiat's greatest hits.
Introduced in AD 1980,
it sold over 4.5 million.
The boss of Ferrari called it,
"A historic symbol of Italy."
He didn't say anything
about Botticelli.
There are strict rules about
what makes a proper
small Italian car.
So, let's see how
the new Panda stacks up.
Now, to my mind,
a small Fiat should be
completely unpretentious.
So, this one scores
quite well already.
Other small cars are like
cutesy fashion statements,
but this one seems to say,
"Look, I'm just
a cheap little car.
"Let's just get on with it."
And being small, of course,
it's very easy to park.
But actually, this isn't
an issue to the Italians.
Here's some parking,
Naples-style.
Well, it is very small,
just 3.5 metres long,
but more importantly,
it's got really
quite a lot of space in it.
You could get a couple
of full-size adults
in the back here.
Or, more importantly,
about half a dozen children.
Now, this is vital
in your small Italian car
and all because of another
of their great inventions,
the Catholic church.
Now, small Fiats should
also be very cheap
because it stems from a long
tradition of basic cars for
people who are a bit hard-up.
Now, you'll be able to buy
a basic 1.1 Litre Panda
for £6,000.
£6,000!
This, however,
is the 1.2 Litre Dynamic.
This is a posh Panda!
But it's still only £6,500!
Six and a half grand!
And it's a whole car!
And it really is.
I mean, you get four doors,
you get electric front
windows, you get a radio,
you get power steering,
you get two air bags,
you get alloy wheels
and you get antilock brakes.
This is looking good
for Italy.
The Panda's honest,
it's cheap, it's very roomy.
What else do
we know about Italians?
Oh, yes! They all think
they're Ayrton Senna.
Now, this Panda is not fast.
Naught to 60 takes 14 seconds,
which is long enough to knock
up a decent penne al pesto!
And the top speed is
96 miles per hour, but
by the time you get there,
Venice will have sunk.
So, you just have to
drive like an Italian.
Blow the horn,
wave your arms around
and thrash it.
I quite like this 1.2 engine.
It's sort of feisty and eager!
It makes a great deal
of fuss without really
achieving very much.
Bit like the Italian
government, really.
I think Fiat has got this
small, cheap car, remember,
pretty much spot on!
I mean, it's got
the right size, it's
definitely the right price,
it's got the right amount
of space, it's got
the right amount of kit.
But for an Italian car,
there's still something
that bothers me.
Well, that's not right.
I mean, I've had this thing
nearly a week
and nothing's fallen off
and everything still works!
I mean, who the hell
do the Italians think
they are, anyway?
The Germans?
-So, you like it.
-I do like it.
You do know
it's just been voted
European Car of the Year,
which is by
a panel of judges that...
-Was it?
-...doesn't include us.
I think that's...
That's probably taking it
a bit far.
Because I mean,
the year includes,
well, the new Rolls-Royce.
-Yes.
-Which, to be honest,
I prefer.
Yes, I'm with you there.
-And the Porsche 911 GT3,
which I prefer.
-Again. Yes.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's Car of the Year
for six and a half grand!
Okay, now, all over the world,
the Toyota pickup truck
is marketed as the toughest
vehicle money can buy.
For £1,000, we got a
13-year-old Hilux diesel,
which had done 190,000 miles.
And, judging by its state
of it, only 10 of them had
been done on the road.
We love cars
like this on Top Gear!
It's why we like
the Citroen Berlingo and
the Daihatsu Charade.
They're simple,
honest to God engineering.
But this gives us a problem.
See, whenever you get
a Porsche to test,
we find out how fast it goes,
or we get a Renault Megane,
we find out how safe it is,
but this, as you know,
is built for strength.
So, we've got to find out
how tough it is.
That's why we
brought it to Bristol.
This city has an air
of solidity about it.
The paving stones,
for instance, are cemented
and then nailed in place.
The buildings look planted.
It's a Victorian ode
to the test of time.
So, let's find out how
the best built city in Britain
copes with our pick-up truck.
Now, this, I want to make it
plain, is not Hollywood.
We're not using stuntmen.
We're not gonna use any
computer graphics.
We haven't made any mechanical
alterations to the car at all.
We just picked it up
from the farmyard
and brought it here.
Oh, deary me!
That was a bit uncomfortable.
It damaged my spine
quite badly doing this.
And then it set about
damaging Bristol.
This didn't really
hurt it either.
Yeah, battery's good.
Radiator's good.
That'll buff out.
That's got it.
So, we left the city centre
and went to the seaside.
I'd tried careless driving.
So I thought I'd try
a spot of careless parking.
Look what's happened!
This is the Severn estuary,
home to the second biggest
tide in the world!
Forty feet! And it moves
at 8 miles an hour!
That's why the RNLI
have tethered my car in place.
I'm not going to get that out
for hours!
-Damn!
The lifeboatmen and locals
thought it was all
a huge laugh.
-So, that's going to
drown my car.
-Oh, yes.
-Well, when will I be able to
get it out again?
-A few hours.
The windscreen's still in!
But then, disaster.
The ropes tying it down
had snapped.
It could be out
in the main channel.
MAN: It could be on the
main channel. You may
never see it ever again.
-I don't think you've
quite got this.
We've got to get it back!
Very kindly, they waded out
to see if they could find it.
But it had gone.
And it didn't turn up until
the tide had gone out
five hours later.
The silt had jammed
the steering lock
and the cylinders were
flooded with seawater.
It was a wreck.
And though we'd brought
a mechanic along,
we had no spare parts.
Things looked bleak.
Well, the mechanic
has worked on it now for
40 minutes or so, I think.
And, uh,
it's not looking good.
It seems then, if you want
to kill one of these things,
the beach, the sea,
salt water, is the answer.
Sorry.
Um, wrong.
Astonishingly, the Toyota
was not dead.
- I do not
believe it!
Right, it's started.
Now, let's see if it moves.
So, it had survived
the West Country,
but would it survive
our test track?
The problem is, what can
we do here that we
haven't already tried?
Difficult one.
I mean, the only
solid structure
we have here is this,
the Top Gear
production office.
And that won't stop it.
The Americans have
used daisy-cutters on these
things to no avail.
But I've got something
much more powerful.
The Mistral GT.
What do you have
to do to kill one?
Ah.
Right.
A bit undignified but...
Here we go!
Lordy Lord,
I'm too old for this!
I honestly can't believe this!
The steering is fine,
the gearbox is fine,
the low range box is fine,
the brakes are fine.
Even the speedo is telling me
we're doing 30!
To give you an idea of just
how strong this car still is,
look what we've got here!
It's used
to fell sky-scrapers,
but look what happens when
you thump it into the car.
Well, the day thou gavest,
Lord, is ended.
But, sadly, the car isn't.
It survived trial by water,
it survived trial by Bristol
and trial by caravan.
But now it must face the most
difficult trial of them all.
Trial by fire.
That was phenomenal!
I know, amazing!
Be honest, did you really
not change any bits?
Not a thing, other
than the windscreen.
Because the seat took
the windscreen out,
we had to put a new one
in for driving through
our production office,
otherwise it've
taken my head off.
So, we put a piece of Perspex
in and that was it.
Other than that, nothing!
We just had hammers, spanners
and some WD-40 to get the
engine going after the sea.
All of which makes it more
of a shame that, in the end,
you killed it with fire.
That was churlish.
Well, that's the thing.
You probably won't believe
this, ladies and gentlemen.
I want a huge round
of applause,
it is still working!
My car!
Have you ever seen
anything like it?
What have you done?
Oh, dear, it's not
quite the same shape.
But I have to say, I think
the tracking's out slightly.
CLARKSON: That was
done when it was dropped.
You'll also notice
if you rock it slightly,
you can see, if we just bring
the camera around here,
this headlamp has
still got some of
the Bristol Channel in it.
HAMMOND: Oh, yes! And you've
got a light out on this
corner as well.
CLARKSON: Yup,
that was the tree!
That means it's
an MOT failure, we'll have to
do something about that.
The bonnet went up but then
the wrecking ball pushed
it back down again.
The interior, not pretty.
HAMMOND: Oh, no,
you're right. That is...
CLARKSON: Oh, yeah.
That's a bit singed!
And I notice above this
enormous rust hole, here,
there's quite a dent there.
That was the sum total of the
damage from the caravan.
-That little bit there.
-And what's in here?
That's your desk from
the production office.
You know you lost it.
-I used to sit there!
-You did. That's bust.
This is interesting, too.
You see this
little dent there?
-That was the wrecking ball.
-Right.
That would knock down
the Empire State Building,
that's all it did.
You certainly flattened
the T of Toyota.
Anyway, that's it
for this evening!
Sadly, we're not here
next week 'cause of...
Oh, I don't know,
antique county embroidery
match is on or something.
Anyway, but we'll see you
the week after that.
Take care!
Thanks for watching.
Good night!
Can we just stop
the competition now?
No, we bloody can't.
I'm going to call
Damon Hill next week,
ladies and gentlemen.