Top Gear (2002–…): Season 32, Episode 2 - Episode #32.2 - full transcript

Hello. Welcome to Top Gear,

where tonight things are
a bit out of the ordinary,

because I can't help but
notice little Chrissy Harris

has a certain spring in
his step. Look at him.

He does. I'd say he's even
looking a little bit jaunty.

He is. He's perky.

He's cock-a-hoop. What's
the news, Christopher?

- Two for one at Harrods?
- No, even better than that.

Go on. Let us into the secret.

Tonight's the show
when I get to put Fred

in a tiny plastic car



and push him off the
side of a mountain.

Oh. Glad we can make
you happy, finally.

Anyway, that's all
coming up later.

But we kick off tonight by
talking about TV cop shows.

Love a police procedural, Pad.

We do. Specifically,
we're talking about

that noble tradition
of TV cop cars.

Because there was once
a time, back in the day,

when Luther was in short pants

and everyone thought H in
Line Of Duty was in Steps,

when telly police cars were
legends in their own right.

Cop a look at this.

Carnegie, you've
just been Quattroed!

It's time to rewind to
the TV cop show golden age...



a time when screen coppers
played by their own rules...

and drove proper cars...

cars that were as famous

as the actors behind the wheel.

Aw, now... we're starting
off with an absolute peach.

As we call it in
Bolton, Mammie Vice.

Crockett and Tubbs.
Yes.

Ferrari Testarossa.

Get it out of the way now.
You're gonna call me Tubbs.

No, no, no, no. Don't
be like that, Chris.

Hey, but I'll tell you what,
we've missed a trick, though.

- Edit this in. Tubbs.
- Tubbs.

Can I give you
a fun fact on this?

Go on.
The first two series

used a Daytona on
a Corvette chassis.

And Enzo Ferrari
didn't like that.

He sent them two Testarossas.

That's a really,
really lovely car.

This sounds ridiculous,

but in what world do you walk
past a Testarossa, see a Capri,

and go, "I'd rather have that"?

Bodie and Doyle, they
were heroes, weren't they?

When you played
Professionals at school,

- who were you?
Bodie.

- I were Bodie.
- Yeah.

Didn't wanna be Doyle,

with the whole curly hair
and all that deep thinking.

You wanna be Bodie,
booting down the doors.

You're gonna hate me here.

I know the names, and
I've heard of it...

Hang on a minute. No.

You've never
seen The Professionals?

I know what it is.
I've heard of it.

You call yourself British?!

Are you aware of the fact we
have a queen in this country?

Well, yeah, she gave me an MBE.

Oh, I love that.
Oh, I like that!

Thanks for popping in,
Chris. Next car. Thank you.

Look, the small-screen
heroes just go on and on.

These cars were actually

- characters in their shows.
- Exactly.

They were as important
as the cops themselves.

Take Simon Templar's super-sleek

but brilliantly understated
Volvo P1800 in The Saint.

This is the most beautiful Volvo

- I think I've ever seen.
- It's gorgeous.

Or... the
low-key but very punchy

Sierra Sapphire RS
Cosworth in Spender.

I've got to say, I could see
Jimmy Nail driving this now.

And how about DCI
Gene Hunt's Audi Quattro,

that brilliant '80s
throwback in Ashes To Ashes?

Totally iconic car,

independent of the programme
- an amazing vehicle.

And, of course, there
was Dempsey And Makepeace,

starring the Mercedes 500 SL,

beautifully cast against
Ford's Escort XR3i Cabriolet.

She had the convertible.
It was amazing.

People went out and bought
them in their droves.

And again, it was a
personality on the show.

For me, though,

the absolute best of
the classic cop-car crop

could only be this
little beauty.

Starsky & Hutch's
iconic Ford Gran Torino!

What a show Starsky & Hutch was.

I absolutely loved it.

A couple of undercover
cops driving around

the mean streets of Bay City,

in, let's be honest,

the least undercover
cop car ever.

The California detectives'
antics behind the wheel

made the Gran Torino one
of the most famous cars

in TV history.

But the truth is,
underneath the stripes,

the big old Ford didn't have
a whole lot to shout about.

The Gran Torino's from
that era of American cars

where they had absolutely
massive engines...

but not much performance.

So, the show's mechanics
had a tinker about

with the gear ratio and made
the car quicker off the line,

but it wouldn't go above 50mph.

And if it went above 50mph,

the engine'd blow up.

Not very good for
catching bad guys.

And it's not exactly
what you'd call agile.

It corners like a
house on a skateboard!

And the braking, well, it's
pretty much nonexistent.

- In we go.

Oh!

It's so wallowy!

There we go.

How very... McGuinness.

How cool is that!

My ultimate,
on the other hand,

is far more... cultured.

This might sound ridiculous,

but in a world where I've
been so lucky and privileged

to drive so many
expensive, glamorous cars,

that an old Mark 2 Jag
should be so... um...

emotional...

But this is Inspector
Morse's car, the actual one.

And that's my favourite
TV programme of all time.

Inspector Morse arrived in 1987,

and soon became a
household name -

the story of a grumpy,
erudite Oxfordshire detective

always at the wheel
of an old 1960s Jag...

an old Jag that once upon
a time had a reputation

for grace and sophistication.

But by the 1980s, when
Morse arrived, well,

it had a different
image, let's say.

It was a bit more bank
robber than stately home.

But it all fitted with
Morse's character,

the curmudgeon intellect
who loved real ale,

loved intellectual discussion,

loved crosswords,

disliked pleasantries.

Come on. Come on.
Weekend drivers!

And if a great police
car in a TV show

says something about the
driver or that character

that almost no lines could,

then I think this is the
cleverest of the lot.

And the best part -

this genius piece of
casting didn't come

from some big-money
product-placement deal

with Jaguar.

The producers found the
Mark 2 in a scrapyard,

complete with its
after-market vinyl roof.

I'll tell you what,
it drives beautifully.

Such a gorgeous shape.

And inside, this big,
thin-rimmed steering wheel -

Bakelite - moving
around in my hands.

I can really feel
what's going on.

The gearbox - accurate.

It's a little peachy gearbox.

This is the baby
2.4-litre, 120 horsepower.

It does 100mph flat out,

0 to 60, over 14 seconds.

But who cares when you're
driving Morse's car?

Not me,

because now the support
acts are out of the way,

it's time to introduce

a proper star.

Magnum PI's Ferrari 308 GTS.

Oh, pass me a flowery shirt,

stick an hamster on me top lip,

and I'm ready to solve
some crime in Hawaii!

Now, all right, Magnum
wasn't technically a cop,

he was a private investigator.

But come on -

when catching bad guys
looks this good, who cares?

Imagine you've got
the run of Hawaii,

you've got a revvy
V8 behind you,

a manual gearbox,
rear-wheel drive.

Oh, it looks great, but
it sounds great too.

Oh!

It's mad to think it
now, but Magnum wasn't

originally meant
to drive the 308,

he was meant to
drive a Porsche 928.

To make the most of the
Hawaiian weather, though,

the producers wanted
an open-top version.

And when Porsche refused
to build 'em one,

the 308 was the obvious choice.

But Tom Selleck, he's a big lad.

Same height as me.
Couldn't fit in it.

Ferrari said,
"We're not bothered.

"We'll chop and weld it.
We'll make it bigger.

"We'll get him in it."

So Magnum was upgraded
to an Italian Stallion.

It is a squeeze in here, though.

I've got the seat all the way
back. I'm nearly lying down.

I can barely get
into fourth gear

because me leg's in t'way.

I'm in me stockinged feet.

I had me size-12s on

but I was pressing all the
pedals at the same time.

There's about that
much room between 'em.

But I've got to say,
it doesn't matter.

He was living the dream,
Magnum. He was living it.

Listen to that!

Who's this flash Harry?

Is that Magnum PI I spy?

I'm hunting him down!

Oh, no, I'm getting chased!

Let's get that Ferrari!

He really does
think he's Starsky.

I've got to admit, though,

I'm getting into
the Magnum vibes.

I'm thinking of growing a tash.

Oh, he span out! You span out!

All right, Morse, here I come.

Oh, God.

You can't get away
from Starsky and Hutch, Morse!

There am I, imagining

Oxfordshire, dons,

clever-thinking crosswords...

McGuinness comes at me in
that thing. What a clown.

Oh, it's so much fun!

Do you know what's
great about this, lads?

You'd never get these three
cars together. We've got

the best of the '60s,
'70s and '80s right here.

Proper iconic cop cars.

These are pure class.
Look at them - pure class.

Yeah, but if you look
at cop cars now, Paddy,

they don't have the character
like these, do they?

No. No, they don't.

This is what cop shows
look like these days.

It's all gritty realism

and accurate representations
of modern policing.

Yeah, they're great dramas.

I've got some painkillers
in the car. I'll just...

No, don't move. I'll get them.

But when one of your leads
is swanning around in

a nice comfy Volvo
because of his bad back,

we can't help but see a bit
of a missed opportunity.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to introduce

our nominees for a new
era of TV cop-car stars.

That's my theme tune right here!

Listen to it!

The Dodge Charger
SRT Hellcat Widebody.

Thanks to a supercharged
6.2-litre V8,

this is a 500 brake
horsepower four-door.

So, plenty of room in the
back for a couple of punks,

in a car that'll hit 60mph

in 3.5 seconds.

And it won't give up the chase

until it hits 196mph.

And I love the way it looks.

It's so mean.
It's intimidating.

This is a car driven by a cop

you know that can't
be messed with -

in between his trips
to the petrol station.

And when I said this big
old slice of American muscle

has 500 horsepower,

it does -

when you use the
regular black key.

But... when you buy
a Charger Hellcat,

you also get given a red key.

And the red key gives
you 700 horsepower.

You've heard of
"good cop, bad cop"?

This is psychotic cop.

- Whooooa!

Still so
very... McGuinness.

What the modern TV cop

really needs is a
precision instrument.

Introducing the very
yellow Audi RS3.

If telly cop shows have taught
us anything over the years,

it's that to catch the bad guys

you've got to think
like a bad guy.

And bad guys making a getaway

don't just need to be quick,

they need to be nimble, agile.

So I've thought like a bad guy

and I've chosen the
ultimate modern hot hatch.

It's compact. It's grippy.

It's seriously quick.

And I'm thinking heritage here,

because this is basically
the modern version

of the Life On
Mars Audi Quattro.

Like the old Quattro,
it's got a five-cylinder

turbo-charged engine up front,

this time with 400 horsepower,

and it's got Audi's legendary

Quattro four-wheel-drive system.

If you're chasing mobsters
around mean city streets,

this is what you need.

It's quick.

Quick on a road, maybe.

But I reckon the modern telly
cop should be quick everywhere.

Whoa! Get in!

The Ford F-150 Raptor,

the truck that'll stop at
nothing to dish out justice.

Yeah, this is the world's
best-selling pick-up

made tougher and faster.

The V6 engine is based on the
one in Ford's GT supercar,

and makes 450 horsepower.

It might weigh as
much as a bungalow,

but this thing shifts.

Off-road, on-road,

cities, mountains -

you're just not getting away.

You've just got to remind
yourself how big this thing is.

It gets going in
a straight line,

and then the corners...
a little bit trickier.

In fact, the Raptor is
way too big for UK roads.

But TV cops, they don't
worry about parking at Asda,

they just want to
make a big entrance.

And nothing makes as big
an entrance as a Raptor.

Hello, hello, hello.

What's going on
here, then, boys?

Lovely stickerage, Fred.
Bold choice of car, though.

Why have you written
Ranger on a Raptor?

It's a Ford Raptor,
not a Ford Ranger.

Because the
Ranger's driving, Chris.

You've heard Chuck
Norris... Texas Ranger?

Flintoff, Preston Ranger!

Oh, God.

I've gone
full-on '80s action cop.

Honestly, it is an absolute
monster, this thing.

I love it.

I see Chris has gone for

a mid-sized family hatchback.

What's that about?

It's an Audi RS3, and if
I need to catch baddies,

which is the name of the game,

this thing's a weapon.
It's the obvious choice.

Well, to see who'd
actually chosen best,

we'd been told to head

to a nearby deserted
power station.

Look at this, lads.
I'm smelling bad guys.

Just the kind of
playground you'd pick

for a bit of TV
crime-fighting fun.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.

Yes.

Oh! Yes.

Now we're talking, boys!

All right?
Yes.

Wh-wh-wh-what? What?

Looking at your trousers,
is your cop based on

an ex-geography teacher?

- I'm not gonna lie.
- Yeah?

I was hoping the trousers
would be a bit more fitted.

OK? Preston Ranger.

What are you doing?

You two are like a
couple of children

that have had a go in
a fancy dress shop.

Well, let me introduce you
to Officer... Dirty Cobra.

Hang on. Dirty Cobra?

- That's right.
- Why?

Well, I took a bit of Dirty
Harry and a bit of Cobra,

mixed 'em together.

What've you got in your mouth?

Dirty Cobra?!

Toothpick. Because
what that's good for -

in like in any classic film,
you see a baddy, you go...

And then you're in. I've
got plenty of spares.

That reminds me. Hang on.
Hang on. Talking about...

While he's gone, Pad, why
are you wearing shades?

All good cops wear
shades, Chris.

Brought me own toothpick.

- I don't need a gun.

Woodworm. They went out
of business, didn't they?

- Yeah, when I retired.

So, my backstory is...

ex-cricketer, retired
through injury.

It was sad. I lost me way
for a while. I hit the drink.

- You didn't.
- My life was going nowhere.

So I decided... I'm
gonna give a bit back.

I'm gonna go back to Preston.

I'm gonna clean them streets up.

I don't need a
gun. I've got this.

Is that why

you've had your thing signed
up like Environmental Health?

- Yeah, cleaning it up.
- All right, I like that.

I do t'bins as well.

What's the backstory
here? Single man?

- What is it?
- Right...

Where does that jumper start
and stop and your chin finish?

Right, stop there.

The character's name -
you're gonna love this -

- is Dave Tall.
- What?

It's a visual gag, cos
I'm not actually tall.

So, the whole time I say,

"I'm Dave Tall." And everyone
goes, "He's actually short."

I'm actually a
failed racing driver.

- Yes, you are.

He's playing himself.

He's Chris Harris.

You're Chris Harris
in a polo neck.

The big change of
wardrobe for me is

I've bought a new jumper -
opportunity for the winter.

- And when things get tasty...
- Oh, he's got something here.

- What's he got?
- This is the secret.

- Here we go.
- This is gonna be good.

Dave Tall puts on

- his driving gloves.
Is that it?

This signals the fact that
I'm in pursuit in the show.

So, you'll see the red
gloves on the steering wheel

and all the kids will go,
"Tall's about to get tasty."

What he's done, this morning
he's got up and he's thought,

"What have I got in
me drawer at home?"

And he's... That's
it. That is it.

Look at the
gloves. Look at him.

Well, anyhow, listen, we've
all got our cop characters now.

Now, every classic cop
film has a signature move,

something that they're
being when they rock up

in the car and they get
out and it freeze-frames

- on them.
- Yeah, yeah.

Right? I wanna see all
your signature moves.

Now, get yourselves set. I'm
gonna... gonna start you off,

- show you what the crack is.
- I reckon yours could be

trying to drive that
in a straight line.

Here we go.

Hey...

- All right.
Go, Cobra.

Cobra?

Paddy, where are yer?

I'm sorry - Dirty
Cobra, where are yer?

DC is just on a stakeout.

- A stakeout?
- DC!

There's a criminal
in my car park, DC.

Leave it to Dirty Cobra.

Here he comes.

Where's he going? Why's
he walking around t'car?

He's gonna
make a gesture.

Oh, here we go.

What's he doing?

Gonna make a powerful
physical gesture. Here we go.

I hope he's got insurance.

Seriously?

Hey, what do you reckon, boys?

Why do you want him
to have insurance?

Why? Have a look at him, son.

He's been apprehended -
by the unconscious police.

Look at the punk on the floor.

You can take that out now.

- Take it out!
- Don't touch the DC toothpick!

- Take it out!
- All right..

- Geography teacher...

- You're up next, Tall.
- Ow!

Oh, are you radioing
to Dave Tall?

DCI Small, are you OK?

Tall.

- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.

Tall. Tall. Tall.

Are you ready, DCI Tall?

Yes.

Come on, let's see
what you've got.

A3 - I'm still not sure.
You know what I mean?

Oh!

Oh, yes!
Oh!

You know...

when you've been Talled.

"You... You know..."?

That's... It's no "go ahead,
punk, make my day," is it?

What? Look, I still think
it's a nice catchphrase.

And I've always got
cardboard boxes round me,

which is a strong look.

- I thought it was quite...
- Where's the criminal?

Who have you apprehended?

Are you apprehending Amazon?

"No box is safe"!

Oh!

And then he did
that with his hands!

He did that!

OK. Dave Tall might
need a bit more development.

But no matter, because it
was time to embrace the crazy

once and for all with
Flintoff, Preston Ranger.

Right, set him off.

Andrew, show us what you've got.

Coming in right now.

Oh, yeah,
that's the shot!

Oh, my God, whoa!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Whoa, Preston Ranger!
- Now, that's an arrival.

That is an arrival!

You cut me mid-flow.

Sorry!

- I'll shut the door and...
- Do it again, do it again!

- I'll get back in character.
- Sorry, sorry.

Oh, God. Bloody hell!

Oh, God, here we go.

Whoa, Preston Ranger!

- Well done, Preston Ranger!
- Have they come

- out of your bag?
- Your balls have dropped!

They've come out the
bottom of me trousers!

I'll put 'em back up.

Yeah, I think
it's probably t'best bet.

Howdy.

- Oh, what's he doing?
- Dunno.

That's gone a long way.

Howzat?

Now, at this point,

it was decided it
was time to take

a more focused
approach to finding out

who had chosen the
best new TV cop car.

And that meant it
was chase time.

With the power station turned
into a temporary racetrack...

each taking turns as the cop...

we'd now hunt down
a suitably nefarious

Chrysler 300C

driven by a couple of
conveniently available robbers.

And to make sure this
serious testing didn't result

in an even more
serious accident,

each car had been fitted
with proximity sensors.

Get within ten metres of the
getaway car for ten seconds

and the chase... would be over.

Quickest to catch
the crims wins.

Right, straight for
that bag, straight in -

leave your door open.

Quick getaway.

Told him t'leave the door
open. He shuts it. Dick.

What's going on here, then?

- Oh, hang on.

Get in, you tool!

Come on, go, go, go, go!

Oh, here he comes!
Here's the Ranger!

Tell you what, he's going quick.

Stop right there!
The Ranger's coming!

Oh, my God, he's got all
his lights on as well.

Oh, he's just smashed the
whole lot out of the way!

That thing looks
properly worrying

in your rear-view
mirror, I tell you, Pad.

Don't dig in now, Raptor.
I've got 'em in me sights.

He's closed a massive gap on us.

Here we go, whoa.
Whoa... Whoa!

Here we go, I'm catching
'em, I'm catching 'em.

Oh, he's all over us like a
rat. He's over us like a rat!

Look at the size of
the bloody thing!

Say you what -
off-road capabilities,

I'm gonna use 'em.

This is where Dirty
Cobra gets it back here.

Oh, you know, he's disappeared.

- Where is he?
- Where's he gone?

There he is, there
he is! We've got yer!

Oh, he's there!

Coming for yer.

He's onto us, he's onto us.

- Keep beeping, keep beeping.

- He's gonna get us!
- Shut up!

Straight down there!

Come on, pull over, man.
You're done. You're done.

He's on us! The
Ranger's on us!

Come on!

He's gone. He's
gone, he's gone!

Nobody gets away
from the Ranger!

No, we haven't. No, we haven't!

Do you know why
I'm stopping yer?

We've got a good idea, Ranger.

Your back right tyre's down.

I'm not gonna write
you a ticket this time.

Thank you.

But get yourself home, drive
carefully, and get it sorted.

Howzat?

That was an
impressively ruthless

four-minute, 50-second chase.

Next on duty, the Dirty Cobra -

ready to unleash
his Charger Hellcat.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

All right.

Oh!

Here we go.

Let's get these punks!

- He's right behind yer.
- Is he?

The Cobra's here, boys.

That's a bit slippy.

Come on! What... We're not...

Why have you not got
your gloves on neither?

Cos I'm not the
policeman at the moment!

Yeah, but you're faster in your
gloves. That's the trademark.

Whoa! The Hellcat's
all over the shop!

We're getting away from him.
We're gonna get away with this!

We're gonna get away with
it! Mexico, here we come!

The Charger
is so powerful,

I can't get it in a
straight bloody line!

OK, so it turns out,

while the Charger does have
all the crime-fighting grunt

you'll ever need...

This don't look good.

On anything other than
a bone-dry tarmac road,

it is a massive handful.

Too much goddamn
power for this car!

He can't get close to us.

On the plus side,

that does at least mean
all your Dirty Cobra fans

will be treated to some
very lengthy car chases.

Ah, come on.

Keep it going, keep it going.

But when it comes
to ending them...

I thought this was
meant to be stressful,

trying to get away
from the police.

You do have to get
a bit creative.

Dirty Cobra's gonna
go right down here.

Playing by me own rules
now. Come on, the Cobra!

- Whoa, oh, he's in range.
- Where is he?

Oh, yeah!
No, no, no, no!

There he is. There he is!

So, with Fred
making off with the loot,

after a chase that took a full
11 minutes and 36 seconds,

let's just say the Dirty Cobra
would be turning in his badge.

I was the passenger! He was
driving. I was the passenger!

You're going to prison, son.

I hope you've got
insurance for that.

And with the Preston Ranger
still the cop to beat,

finally it was time for a
certain failed racing driver

to slip on the gloves.

Come on!

Got it!

Come on, Dave,
now's your chance.

I'm after them.

I've heard Dave Small's in town.

Good God, this thing
is fast round here.

Oh!

It's a bit shaky on t'brakes.

Where'd you get this
getaway car from?

This is so grippy and so fast.

This is why I chose
the hot hatch.

Oh! Oh, God!

Whoa, sideways!

I'm not going to prison,
Fred. I'm not going to prison!

- It frightens me.
- Imagine me and you in prison!

- Oh!
- They'd have a field day!

Ah, we're on him.
We're on him.

He's behind us. Gun it!

He'll start taking
some risks now.

Crims have to take risks
at some point, don't they?

I've seen a wall!
There's a wall!

Right, right, right!

He's all over the place.

- No.
- These are chicanes, Fred!

I have to take it. I'm
not bothered. I'm not bothered!

He's got us! He's
got us, Fred! Fred!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, here he is.

Officer Dave Tall. You're
nicked, both of you!

Yeah, I'm in
a lot of trouble.

I bet that was
a wild ride, wasn't it?

Got to be honest -
prison seems a better option.

Hey!

OK.

So, I know the question
everyone's asking.

What the hell was that?

No, no, they wanna know who won.

Did Dave Tall apprehend
the perps faster

than the Preston Ranger?

And I have the results here.

OK. So...

the Preston Ranger in the
Raptor caught the bad guys

in four minutes, 50 seconds.

- All right, innit?
- Good work, Preston Ranger.

Thank you.

- Dave Tall...

in the family hatchback...

caught the bad guys

in three minutes, five seconds!

Victory to the Tall!

Nah, nah, nah.

Yes!
No.

Yes!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not
having that. Not having it.

You can't not have
that. It's maths.

We're saying then the
ultimate TV cop car

isn't the massive
noisy muscle car,

isn't the massive
noisy pick-up truck,

but a small German hatchback.

Great things come
in small packages.

- Really? Really?
- I think

what we're saying
is the best cop cars

are the worst telly cop cars.

And the worst cop cars are
the best telly cop cars.

- Glad we cleared that up.
- Thank you.

And now we must move
on to a tribute.

Last year, Britain lost one
of its greatest inventors,

Sir Clive Sinclair,

the genius brain
behind the ZX Spectrum.

Ask your parents, kids.

He's the man who brought home
computing and video games

to the masses.

And also the brain behind this
- the Sinclair C5 of 1985,

which, it's fair to say,

history hasn't
judged too kindly.

But we've been thinking -
maybe this battery-powered pod

wasn't actually a bad idea.

Maybe it was just too
far ahead of its time.

Exactly. Maybe in this
modern electric world,

the C5 makes perfect sense.

So we sent Chris and
Fred to test the theory.

The Sinclair
C5 was, on paper,

a genuinely revolutionary
piece of design.

A small, light, affordable,

zero-emission vehicle
intended for urban commuting.

OK, it might have
looked a little unusual,

but fundamentally,
Sir Clive's vision

was for the same green
and responsible future

that we're all
clamouring for today.

Oh, bus, bus,
bus, Chris. Bus!

That's not nice.

Oh, oh!

'Ey up, we're holding
traffic up. Move up.

I'm going flat out.
Get off, get off!

Get over there.

How much power
have these got?

About one third of a horsepower.

- What, a hoof and a bit?
- Yeah.

15mph if you're lucky.

- I don't like it.

The problem was,
back in the mid-'80s,

the technology simply didn't
exist to do the C5 justice.

Built in the old Hoover
factory in Wales,

its motor was lifted from
the cooling fan of a lorry,

and its all-electric range
was about eight miles,

so it was hopelessly
slow when it worked...

Run out of battery.

And then dangerously
slow when it didn't.

- Oh.

Clearly,
the time has come

to turn Sir Clive's vision...

Mine's died now.

Into the lean, mean, green
machine he'd always dreamt of.

I've got an idea,
Chris. I've got an idea.

And to show Harris just
what that dream looks like,

I told him to meet me
a few weeks later...

in Norway.

Wow. OK.

- Hi, Andrew.
- Chris.

Are you ready to
have your mind blown?

I... What are you playing at?

I'm excited to show
you this. Look at this.

Are you ready?

Look at this.

Oh, yes. Harnessing the
green potential of gravity,

and embracing speed,

this is the Sinclair Ski-5.

- The Ski-5?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but what is it?

I know what you're
thinking. Stop it.

You're thinking I've
just got a bobsled

and I've put the
shell of a Sinclair C5

- on top.
- Yes.

Oh, no, Christopher.
We've done this properly.

Obviously got rid of the wheels,

put some running
rails on the bottom,

changed the steering.

Remember that bar
where you turned?

I've gone for the
pulleys, bobsled style.

Wouldn't it be easier
just to run headlong

- at a brick wall?
- No, Chris.

Cos you wouldn't have to
travel. You'd just get

- the job done cleaner.
- You know what

- I'm gonna try and do?
- What?

It's what Sir Clive would have
wanted when he designed it.

- What?
- I wanna break

the national speed
limit of 60mph.

Why would you want to do that?

In honour of Sir Clive.

To help me
with my mission,

I'd be running on Norway's
national bobsleigh track

in Lillehammer,

with the help a team
of sledding experts,

led by Olympic coach
Graham Richardson.

What's the chance of it making
it to the bottom in one piece?

Ah, here he is. Here he is.

There's no guarantees.

Um, there's very, very precise
lines that you have to drive

to not crash off the
end of the corner.

Cos I've seen it on
t'telly. I saw the Olympics.

That word you used there
beginning with C...

That's important in
the context of Fred.

Chris, adults speaking.

And the chances
of getting to 60?

Um...

I don't know. I'm not
sure about the aero on it.

It's open sides,
a little bit slow,

but it very much depends
how Fred drives it.

Ah.

Before letting
me loose in the Ski-5,

Graham needed me to
learn the course,

which, on a 16-corner track
that's nearly a mile long,

wasn't exactly straightforward.

So, as you go into the
corner, it'll come up.

You look for the straight.
You turn it off, and over.

It's just like driving a car.

I thought I was turning up
to sit down and go quick.

This on the left, incidentally,
is the junior start,

where we're gonna be
starting from with you today.

So when you get to the second
pressure, the sled is high,

and with the nose
in a good position

to actually steer through
that and come off the corner.

Graham was talking
me through it, but...

he's talking a different
language to what I knew.

He was talking about pressures

and getting onto
corners too early,

and pointing out little things

you can look at when
you're in a corner.

The problem with that
is, there's 16 of them.

And they come up pretty fast.

Especially

as all too soon I was given
my very own training sleigh

to take for a run.

And we're going... Oh, we're
building up speed already!

When you come out into
the 4-5 transition,

it's a nice long straight,

and what you should do
here is just practise.

Just go... When I pull left,

the sled goes left. When I pull
right, the sled goes right.

Is it fast at the
minute, or is it...?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, this'll be cooking.

Ohhh!

Don't forget to steer.
Today's coaching tip.

Yeah, steer.

Top runners are
gonna be about here.

And as you let it run,
it stays parallel.

When everything
else is descending,

we're staying parallel
and joining the high line.

Remember, a nice strong
steer on the beginning of 13.

All right, we'll do another.

Had a couple
of bumps, like,

but didn't land
on me head, did I?

We have a
crash. We have a crash.

It didn't go
particularly well, Chris.

You do surprise me!

Here we go, look at
this. So, here we go.

Oh! See?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sideways.

- So I came in...
- Yeah.

And then as I was
going, I went over.

And me helmet was
scraping on the wall,

and then pushed meself back up

and got back on
me... on me things.

So you righted yourself
using your own head?

Kind of, yeah.

Truth is, the high
sides of the training sleigh

are designed to keep the
driver properly protected -

protection I'd now
have to leave behind,

lining up to give the
Ski-5 its maiden voyage.

OK, so... remember,
into the corners.

- Yeah.
- Turn to parallel.

Let it run nice and
free. Look for the exit.

Remember to look
as long as you can.

- Steer it down the straight.
- OK. Lovely stuff.

Andrew,
can you hear me?

Loud
and clear, Chris.

Just be careful, all right,
because this looks terrifying.

That's great words
from you, Chris.

That's a real good gee-up
for me, that. Thank you.

Be mindful of the fact

there's a lot of trip
hazards down here,

so I'm taking one
for the team as well.

Ah. Chris, I'll see you
in about a minute's time.

Cheers, mate.

Thanks, Graham.

In his head, he looks
like he's created

the ultimate homage to the C5,

but from here, he looks
like a really large toddler

being pushed in a pram.

Clear the
track for a C5...

There you go. It's
official now. There's...

The track is clear.

There's no backing down
now, Fred. Here we go.

Here we go, the
Sinclair C5 is going.

He's through the
beam and he's away.

And we're off!

Come on, Andrew!

Coming round.

Down the first... It's a bit...
It's twitching at the back.

Oh, my... He had a
massive wobble there!

Coming round. Look
at where you're going.

And we're off. Oh,
it's a twitcher.

Now he's against the
wall twice there.

Going down the straight
now. Here we go, into 12.

Now he's picking up speed.
Now he's really travelling.

Here we go. And into 13.

Just saw him over there.

Oh, 15.

Coming round.

Steering up into 16 and
we're nearly finished!

And we're down.

- Never in doubt, Andrew.
- It's, um...

- It's a little bit twitchy.
- How does she handle?

Through the corners
was all right.

Straight, it's all
over the place.

Is it... Is it
lacking stability?

A little bit.

How fast do you reckon you went?

I didn't feel I was flying
that time. I reckon... 50, max.

OK, can we get a speed?

- 54.6.
- 54.6mph.

- 54?
- Yeah. Point 6.

That's all right, that is.

So how can we get more speed?

- That was only the junior.
- What?

- Send me from the top.
- That wasn't the top?

No, that was only t'junior one.

I've got four more corners to
go through. Get to the top,

I reckon 60mph - all day long.

- You're confident, are you?
- Yeah.

Plus, Graham had
a few ideas of his own.

So what we've done is

we've moved up to
the top of the track,

so we've got an extra
200 metres of track

- and maybe 30 metres of drop.
- That should do it,

- shouldn't it?
- That's gonna give us

a bit more speed, but I don't
think it's gonna be enough.

- What?
- We need a bit more weight.

Fred's not heavy enough.

We need to put 50 kilos in.

50 kilos?

50 kilos will get some more
speed out of it, so look sharp.

So, as well
as being promoted

from the children's start line,

to increase the amount of
energy, and therefore speed,

that Fred would be
carrying down the run,

we'd also now added a
healthy lump of ballast.

Sitting at the top,
it's a different course.

That first drop - wow.

I can just see probably
20 yards of track,

and then a roof. I don't
even see the track.

Pushing him down now.

Oh, here we
go. Look at this.

And he's away.

Bloomin' heck, it just
disappears. And we're off.

I'm on me own here.

And we're going.

We're building up speed already.

He looks exposed.
His head's above.

It's like watching
an old Formula 1 car,

you know, when the canopy's so
low and their torso's above.

Here we got. It's...
It's all over the place, this.

Whacked a wall there.

Here we go, coming round.

Keep it straight.

Flashed through there.
God, that looked fast.

Up we go. Five.

Into six.

Neat and tidy,
Andrew, neat and tidy.

Watch for the exit.
Watch for the exit to seven.

Bit sideways.

Oh, no, massive,
massive wobble there!

Whoa! Whoa,
it's a bumpy ride!

That's a code brown.

No, he's got it back
together, he's got it back.

This is the
one now, 12 into 13.

Looking for the exit now.

And we're coming round 11.

He's really flying!

This is a big
straight into 14.

Get it set on the
wall down. 15!

This is where I come off.

Come on, Clive! You'd
better be enjoying this

if you're watching!

Let's see what the speed is!

Wow!

Whoo! Oh!

That looked like a wild ride.

That was a little bit different
to the first one! Jeez!

I was steering,
but it was just...

How many times did
you hit a wall?

I hit a few walls!

But then you've just
got to try and drive it

and get it back in.

OK. Do you want
to know the speed?

Go on.

- Fifty...
- Oh!

- Nine...
- No, you're winding me up.

- Point two.
- Shut up.

59.2. Right,

how do we get another
0.8mph? Come on.

- There is one way.
- How?

- We go from the top...
- Yeah.

- We've got the weight in...
- Yeah.

We stick some spikes on your
feet... and you push me.

Let's go full Olympic.

Get on the back, push me
down. Let's go for it.

- Are you sure?
- Not really.

But it's what Clive
would have wanted.

Two... Three...

Six...

Are you going
into a trance-like state?

Just visualising
the course.

- Really?
- There's a couple...

There's a couple of corners
I'm a bit messy out of.

If I'm going faster, I
really don't want to be.

Yeah, the video confirms
that. When you say a couple...

All right, that'll do.
You are spoiling me flow now.

Sorry. Do the counting thing
again. That was impressive.

Thank you.

Cos you got to 15.
- Right.

OK? Come on.

Yeah, come on,
Chris. Let's get going.

You and me. We're in.

For Sir Clive.
We're doing this

for Sir Clive. 60mph.

Push me straight.
Don't be messing about.

I'm not messing about.

Three, two, one.

Let's get out of here, Chris.

Oh, you're faster
than I thought.

Give us a push, Chris. Nicely
done. Thank you, Chris!

That's a bit different. He's
started me off a bit quicker.

Gathering it as we
go. Turn one, to the left.

Please, a double
pressure. For Sir Clive!

Get off it. Yes, nice.

Here we go. Into five.
Little right... left-hander.

Into six. It's a swoop right.
We're going round for Clive!

Come on, Fred.

We go down the labyrinth.

I'm going sideways, I'm banging
around, but it doesn't matter,

cos this is for Clive.

Come on, Freddie!

Come on, Andrew.

For Sinclairs everywhere!

Spectrum 48Ks! Sinclair C5s!

Get off. Coming
round, here he comes!

In the Olympics for
Great Britain in a C5!

Please be over 60mph!

I'm coming round to the
end. What have we got?

What is it?

Brake, brake, brake,
brake, brake, brake!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Whoa!

What's the speed?

Right, we need a speed.

Thank you. Where is he?

Oh, look at this, look at this.
Look at the state of this.

Taken me a bit longer, Andrew!

Really?
Well, what was it?

- Right.
- Oh, no.

- How was it?
- I'm... I'm hoping, Chris,

cos half of me would
love to do it again...

but half of me never wants
to go near these things again

- in me life.
- OK.

So I want to be above 60. For
Sir Clive. What have we got?

Here we go. Track control.

Can we have Andrew's maximum
speed on that run, please?

61...

- 61!
- Get in there, Sir Clive!

Hey,
thank you. Come on!

- Come on!
- That's amazing.

61. Get in!
Thank you, Sir Clive.

Well done.
Brilliant.

61. Great effort.

61. Done it.

Oh, look at him, he's
like... Tch-tch-tch!

I've got to say,
Fred, respect to you.

Taking on the bobsleigh run

in this bit of
plastic that was built

in a Hoover factory in Wales.

What can I say? I give me all
to this show. Take note, boys!

Was it as bad as it looked?

It give me a little bit of a
workout, I'm not gonna lie!

But it also got me thinking.

What is it, Winter
Olympics, four years' time?

Us three on the podium?

God Save The Queen? Hey?

Cool Runnings - not!

So, Fred, you've bungee-jumped
a Rover Metro off a dam.

Yeah.

You've driven a Sinclair
C5 down a bobsleigh.

What's next? Nissan Sunny
into an active volcano?

Jammed in the boot of an
Austin and fired into space.

Oh, that'll be good.

I was thinking a cup of
tea and a re-evaluate.

Maybe Strictly.

Oh!

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Yes!
- Hey!

Stop it. Stop it!

On second thoughts,
get me a Nissan Sunny

and point me in the direction
of the nearest volcano.

No chance this lad's
doing the cha-cha-cha!

That's all for tonight.

We'll be back next week,

when Chris Harris drives
a car from Norfolk

and the three of us
hitch up the big rigs

and join the noble
army of HGV drivers.

See you then. Thanks so much
for watching. Goodnight!