Top Gear (2002–…): Season 30, Episode 3 - Episode #30.3 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous.

Look at you. Look at your face.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, Pad! I can't!

Hello, welcome to Top Gear.

We're still enjoying
the great outdoors.

I say outdoors - Shepherd's Bush.

But we've got a picturesque
show for you tonight -

a proper off-road expedition across
the Scottish Highlands,

where we make a serious
scientific discovery.



Which is that there is definitely
something medically wrong with Fred.

He's right, Fred. He is right.

You don't fear anything apart from
the dentist and low ceilings.

But what scares Freddie Flintoff?

Getting stuck in a lift
with Chris Harris.

LAUGHTER

But, seriously, I've got the ability
to just block things out.

I mainly do it when you're talking.
Thank you.

Anyway, time to kick things off
with a real treat.

Chris Harris
talking about an old car.

This is the story
of the Land Rover Defender.

Launched back in 1948, the original
Land Rover was a global success.

As rugged as it was versatile,
it was embraced by farmers,

soldiers, explorers, even royalty.



By 1990, it had gained
the name Defender.

And, even though it still shared
a lot of its DNA with that

post-war original, Britain's answer

to go-anywhere-motoring kept going
for another 26 years.

A true motoring icon.

And, now, there's an all-new
Land Rover Defender,

which has some very big
wellies to fill.

Here it is. The all-new Defender,

possibly the most important car
Land Rover has ever made.

So, how do you tackle the ultimate
difficult second album?

Stick to the same old
back-to-basics, no-frills,

comfy-as-a-prison-cell philosophy
of the old Defender?

No. Very much not.

This new Defender is
no agricultural work horse.

It's got high-definition screens,
climate control,

4G connectivity, 85 ECUs.

The point is - this is a thoroughly
modern off-roader.

With an all-new body
that's stiff and strong,

I've got independent suspension,

I've got a smooth, six-cylinder
diesel engine.

It's quiet, it's comfortable,
it's refined.

And look at this cabin.

It's all new and modern,
and flatscreeny and well-organised,

but still nice and simple.

Against the old Defender,
this is much, much nicer to drive.

It couldn't be any worse,
if you ask me,

cos I hated the way
the old Defender drove.

For example, when I sit in it,
the door doesn't try and take chunks

out of my elbow.

This, finally, is a Defender
you could drive to the supermarket

and not require
a tetanus jab afterwards.

And, for me,
that's a massive improvement.

But decent road manners
are the easy bit.

The real question is - can the new
Defender still compete with

the best off-road?

BAGPIPES PLAY

To find out, I've been told
to meet up

with my colleagues for
a tour of the Highlands.

And they'd be bringing along
their pick of the current

off-roading crop.

Ah, Paddy McGuinness in a G-Wagon.

Good choice.

New Defender. Very nice.

Nope, it's the wrong G-Wagon.

Bad choice.

Herr Harris, willkommen
und mein G-Wagon.

Ah, sprechen sie Deutsch?
Wie geht's?

Auf Wiedersehen.

Dearie me, you've brought
the wrong G-Wagon.

Stiff suspension, too much power.

Excuse me, the great Chris Harris,
too much power?

Yes, it's just under 600 brake
horsepower. Is that a problem?

Does anybody go into Mercedes
and say, "I'll have that G-Wagon."

And they go, "Certainly,
600 brake horsepower."

"No, no, too much power, that.
Have you got a less powerful one?"

We're off-road, you don't need
all that power.

This is all you need -
a diesel Defender.

It's perfect. How many mechanical
differentials has that got?

Two. Three. One more.

Front, centre, rear.
Why do you need that here?

Because we're off-roading.
It's a better off-roader.

You've got very normal tyres,

so you can have all the diff-locks
you want.

All you can use is what's on
the ground there. Three is one

more than two. You are quite
a binary creature, aren't you?

You deal in quite simple concepts.

I don't know what that means,
but it sounds good.

Is that German again?

No, it's not. Oh!
MOTOR RUMBLES

What is it?

Oh! Nomad.

This could be interesting.

Oh.

All right? Are you all right
there, Fred?

I present to you the Ariel Nomad.

Have you come to the right test?

What? The ultimate off-road car?
Well, yeah, for getting hypothermia.

It's two-wheel drive, mate.
This is a four-wheel drive test.

You don't need four-wheel drive.

You don't need diffs
and transfer cases.

You need one of these, bit of that,
two pairs of thermal pants,

one gloves and you're good to go.
You've arrived in a climbing frame.

How heavy are these? How heavy?
Heavy. What?

Two tonnes, two and a half tonnes?
Two and a half tonnes, yeah.

700kg. Yeah, Fred... If I get stuck,
I'll just pick it up.

Flip-flops are light, but you don't
up a mountain in them, do you?

You go up with something
substantial, like these.

That's not an off-roader. Oh!

What?
REVERSE BEEPING

You see? Weight - your friend.

This is an off-road vehicle.
It's a bit more than 700kg.

I want to have some fun.
I don't want to move rocks.

What's wrong with you?

Blimey.

Challenge! Go get in, Paddy.

It'd be a shame if he lifted
the front up, wouldn't it?

Oh, took him away? Yeah.
I'd be gutted, would you?

HE CHUCKLES

"Please stop arguing and drive as
fast as you can around this quarry."

Is that it?

Yes, our mission to find out
who had really brought

the best off-roader
would begin with a time trial.

Four flags had been dotted
around the quarry,

and we'd now each take turns

to tag them all as fast as possible
before racing back to the start.

Quickest time's the winner.

And McGuinness and
his G-Wagon were up first.

All good, Paddy?
Present and correct, sir.

Three, two, one, go.
Go on, Paddy!

Good turning circle, sir.

Oh! He's gingerly going for it!
He's really going for it.

He's a bit Ron Weasle. Wahey!

Get down that.

Look at fast it is! It's not
lacking power, is it?

But he's lacking something
down there. What's fallen off?

Round that.

When you put your foot down,
by God it goes!

0 to 60 in less than five seconds.

And in a two and a half tonne car,
that is just bonkers.

No, no, no!

Slow down, slow down!

That is out of control!

If you did half of this stuff in the
old one, I'd have been upside down.

Oh!

Oh, my word.

I've always wanted to see a G-Wagon
doing what it should do,

but I'm not so sure now.

Oh, Paddy. He's not touched that.

I've got it! Got it on
the reverse. Yeah!

Up we go. Wahey!

Got it! Lot of fun!

Oh, it was a good laugh. Tasty!

Oh-ho-ho!

That was quite quick, wasn't it?
1:32, airborne across the line.

Wow. Come on, tell him his time.

1 minute 32 seconds.

And you were in the air
over the line. Beautiful!

Benchmark well and truly laid down.

It was time to see whether
Harris could get

anywhere near in his all-new,
much less powerful Defender.

Christopher, are you ready? Power is
nothing without control. Wow.

Winston Churchill, that. Was it?

No, it's Pirelli Tyres
from an advert, actually.

Three, two, one. Go!

Oh! Oh, he's coming up the big end.

Come on, Chris! Come on, Chris!

Go on, Chris! Go on, Chrissy!

Ooh! Ooh!

On the brakes!

CHEERING

That is steep as you like.

Oh, he's off now, look at him.
Oh, he's off now. He's gunning now.

Oh, oh, oh! Did you get the flag?

Oh, he's missed it! He didn't
touch that.

He missed the flag.
Didn't touch that.

Unless his arms are that short...

Right, come on.
Let's grab this one here.

There we go. I don't know if
he hit that one.

Does he know he's got to
touch these flags?

Suspension apparently will take
seven tonnes of upwards

pressure, whatever that means.

Oh, that's quite steep.
Get reversed,

come back down again.

He's not done that one!
He's not even stuck his arm out!

He's not even stuck his arm out!
He's had a shocker!

Come on, my son.

And up the hill.

And over the line! Yes, baby!

You've still got the clock going!
Go on, you're still going.

You've not done the flags,
you've still got the clock going.

I touched it! No, you didn't.
No, coming back!

Oh, is there one down there? Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Oh, I forgot a flag!

I'm not sure if he's touched
any flags. None of them.

That's the first one he's touched.
Well done!

There we are.

Do you think he's going to be happy
with that?

Do you want to know your time?
Well, it doesn't really matter now.

Was the jump good?
Yeah, it was nice. Lovely.

2 minutes 26...

..point 81. That's academic,
really. Exactly.

With the G-Wagon
still the car to beat,

it was time to show what
the Nomad could do.

Looking good, Fred.
Ready to go? I am, Chris.

I'm looking forward to this.
Look at the car!

The thing about our run,
what I found -

very warm, very toasty. Yes, yes.

Where's the fun in that, Paddy?
I'll be fine.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, wasting time there.

I thought it was quite neat that.

Oh, he's being very
circumspect here.

This isn't very Flintoff-esque.

Oh, oh, oh!

And we're off! That's done it really
well. That was clean as you like.

Come on!

Yep. I'm not sure
I like this new Flintoff.

He's become much more measured,
hasn't he? Yeah.

I can't see through me goggles.
I'm struggling to see!

It's 0 to 60,
three and a half seconds.

What a supercar speed,
and you're off-road!

It looks like a little
radio-controlled buggy. I love it.

Flag. Yes, please.

He's actually taken that one
out with his arm.

That's actually never
coming back up.

And they say, one of the things
about off-roading is knowing

where all your wheels are.

But that's a dream in this!
Cos you can see them all.

You see every wheel.

Touchdown.

This is the new Andrew Flintoff.
He's being measured.

One more flag. One more flag.
And up we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh!

What a car!

You're not going to believe
this. What?

That was so close.

How did I do? It's so close!

It's so close!
I did it in 1:32... Right.

..in me two and a half tonne car.

Oh, here we go. In your 700 kilos
car, you did it in 1:31.

1:31! I can't even see, Paddy!
I couldn't even see!

Get in! You can keep your goggles,
you can

keep your G 63, and I'll tell you
where you can shove that Defender!

Where's me adjudicator?

To continue our off-roaders'
thorough test,

we'd been told to head west...

..to the far side of the wild
and utterly beautiful

Scottish Highlands.

The ideal journey to see what our
cars were made of.

Though, sadly, it would also be
one that gave

Flintoff plenty of time to brag.

That's your driving race over, boys.

Yeah, I've been thinking
about that race

and I know one of the things that
had hampered me slightly was

it gets a bit warm in here
and me hands got a bit clammy

on my steering wheel.
This isn't cold, lads.

I'll tell you, I'm from
the north of England.

I feel like taking me top off.

I'm at one with nature. I'm outside.

I've got the fresh air,
I'm driving past snow.

You don't get that in a G 63.
You don't get that in a Defender.

You're sat in your big leather
chair, massaged seats,

heated triple-glazed windows.
You might as well be at home.

What really separates
the Nomad from the others,

though, is that it doesn't roll
out of some massive factory.

It's built by a few passionate
people in a Somerset barn.

And because it's handmade, you can
have whatever you want.

You know, put some firmer
suspension, sticky tyres,

you could have a sports car.

Have it like this - big wheels,
rally suspension,

you've got the perfect sand-duner.

This car has everything. Everything.

Well, if 700 kilos
of scaffolding is everything,

what does that make the car that
has been Germany's benchmark

off-roader for the last 40 years?

A few years ago, like Land Rover,
Mercedes decided to remake

this car from scratch.

But, unlike the Defender,

they kept that classic look.

But even though it still looks
every inch the old-school icon,

inside it's anything but.

Screens are everywhere, purple
mood lighting. It's a bit like

when you watch Grand Designs and you
see someone who buys an old castle

and sticks a massive
3D cinema in there

and a Laser Quest out the back.
It's fantastic.

And, dragging it all along,

you've got that magnificent
four-litre, twin turbo V8.

Basically, it's the same engine
that's in an Aston Martin Vantage,

but, unlike the Aston Martin
Vantage, this is more powerful.

It purrs, it's buttery,
it's deep, it's growly.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Which does have a slight downside.

At the moment, I'm averaging,
what, 9.8 miles per gallon.

So, if you're planning
a long journey in this thing,

make sure you pack
a couple of jerry cans.

Lads, how much are your cars to buy?

For this one, with all the bells
and whistles on,

it's probably around
about 157 grand.

£58,000, but they start
at around 40 grand.

I think it's a bargain
compared to that G-Wagon.

How much is that Nomad?

60 grand. What?!

60 grand for a climbing frame?

I've got to say, Paddy,
I'd sooner spend 60 on this

than 157 on yours.

I think that hat's a bit tight
on your head.

It's cutting the blood flow off.
You're not thinking straight.

We were rolling deeper
into the Highlands.

And, with the mercury
dropping to -4,

good news for Flintoff,
he'd soon have the joys

of winter darkness to add to
his alfresco drive.

Bloody hell!

I'm not going to lie, you do feel
a little bit vulnerable

because you're so exposed.

Especially on the road, you're going
past Magnums coming the other

way, you know you're just one false
step away from having a bad 'un.

Not that I'm bothered, lads,
I could drive all night in this,

but do you know how long
we've got left?

About another hour of this, Fred.

You'll be fine, mate.
You're toasty, you said.

All right, it's a bit of a shame
they're not into doors or roofs,

but I tell you, the lads in that
Somerset barn are at least

very enthusiastic about lights.

Look in your rear view, Paddy.

You ready, Pad?

Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Now, that, THAT, out of
everything today,

that's the best thing
I like about it.

CHRIS LAUGHS

After a productive first day,

our Scottish adventure
was well under way.

Especially, as early
the next morning,

we discovered our cars were now much
deeper into the Highlands

than we would have liked.

Yep, to keep up the off-road
testing, overnight

the producers had, hilariously,

decided to park the cars
in a nearby loch,

right up to their wading depth.

It's going to be touch-and-go, this.

Are you all right there?

Not really. My seat's underwater.
Oh, dear.

To be fair, you said you liked
the outdoor experience, Fred.

It doesn't mean a wet arse,
Paddy, does it?

LAUGHTER

Hey, I tell you what,
it's crystal clear, innit?

Oh, my word.

How do I get in?

Stand on your side step.
I don't have any.

Oh, yeah, you don't.

I forgot, cos you're in a Defender.

GRUNTING

Are you in?

I'm in. He's in.

It's like being
in a bloody fish tank.

Glad about that...

BEEPING

Easy as pie!

Oh, my God!

HE PANTS

That'll have to do.

All free of the loch, and despite
one of us feeling very refreshed...

Wet through now.

Brilliant.

..let's face it, it was pretty clear
who'd won that test.

CHRIS SIGHS

Good old Defender.

What's the wading depth of
that, Chris?

90 cm. Ooh.

I reckon I can do about 9 cm.

I think once it gets up
to your nostrils with yours,

Fred, that's it.

Now, keen for our day to continue
in the same off-road

spirit it had begun with,
the producers told us

to head into the rugged country
of the sprawling Ardverikie Estate.

Sad thing to say is this,
what we're doing now,

is probably the most off-roading
any Defender will ever do.

This is my point with the G-Wagon.

I wanted to show people
who buy them what

they can actually do in these cars,
cos most people

in Chelsea and Cheshire think
they're just

for going to Waitrose in.

They're the divers' watches of
the car world, aren't they?

You buy a watch that can go
1,000 feet underwater

and you take it off
when you have a bath.

Wahey! I'm hitting the bottom here.

Oy.

That is going well, that Nomad.

I didn't think it would get up
this slope.

Seriously, did you not think
it would get through this, Chris?

It's like a little billy goat,
that thing.

You think it's stopped
and it keeps going!

The truth is, all three of our cars
were making short work of this

winter wonderland.

Not a problem.

And before long, we'd reached
the start of our next off-road test.

There's a bloke with a gun there.

Challenge.

Got a challenge here, Chris.

The challenge is you getting out of
that thing, Fred.

I'm not even going to bother.
I'm going to stand in the frame.

"To see how smoothly your
off-roaders handle rough terrain,

"you will now race as fast as you
can up this track..." Nice.

"..while Simon here attempts
to shoot clay

"pigeons from your passenger seat."

Firstly, I've got to say, I think
the Nomad's going to be good at it.

There's no roof on. It's got
an advantage.

Secondly - hello, Simon.

Right, who's up first? Flintoff.

Might as well get it out the way,

cos if there is an accident, it
saves you and me a job, don't it?

Car, gun, Flintoff.

Dearie me. Where can we watch
that's safe?

So, to test ride quality,

we would now each take turns
driving this rough

and twisting track as fast
as possible

while crack shot Simon tried to hit
clays through the sunroof.

With any clays missed incurring
a five second time penalty,

up first to keep things smooth
and steady would be Flintoff.

Fred, can you hear me? Yes, Chris,
we are good to go here, mate.

Three, two, one. Go.

You all right, Si? Not yet. Go on,
go on. Go, go, go.

Where's the first one?
First one's on the right here.

Missed! Oh, he's missed it.

Keep going, keep going.

Oh, Simon! That's none for two!

Pull!

Ah! None for three! I know.

I'll have to catch it up with
speed. Right, slow, slow, slow.

We have to catch up with speed,
Simon, you can't hit them.

They're arguing.

LAUGHTER

Oh! We got that, we got that.
Finally! Good shot.

I don't think you should argue with
a bloke with a shotgun. No.

Yes, Simon!

Pull!

Yes, Simon! We're on a roll.

When's he over that line?

So, how many did you miss? We got
four out of ten. So, you missed six.

And it's five seconds a miss, yeah?
That's 30 seconds.

So, on top of two minutes...
Two minutes 30 seconds.

You were a good working unit,

apart from the shouting
and Fred's driving.

With the big, bumpy buggy out
the way,

it was time to give Simon a go
in something much more suitable.

Go!

If he hits all of these now,
I'm having him.

Yeah. I don't care if he's got
a gun. Imagine if he gets ten.

Yes! Good lad, Simon.

No. No!

Yep, got that. You see, teamwork,
Simon! Pull!

Oh, underneath. Come on, Simon.

Yes, we got it! Good lad!

He's got the edge. Pull!

Yes! Now we're killing
Flintoff here.

Oh, he's missed that.

Yes!

He got that one. Pull!

Yes! Yes!

And over the line!
There you have it.

If you want to go and shoot clays
with a bloke out the roof,

you need a Defender.

Right, so we hit six.

So, that's 20 seconds.

2.24.87.

So, I'm the current leader.
Yes, you are.

It's the same guy on the gun,
the same gun.

So, what was the difference? Huh?
The driver.

Thank you, Mr Harris.
Because myself and me Merc

were up last and he'd given me
an idea.

Simon, what we're going to
do on this one is, you know,

you're driving up here,
you're shooting the clays.

I want you to enjoy
a bit of scenery.

Forget the shooting,
let's get up there.

We've got McGuinness in a very
powerful AMG Mercedes,

so it's going to be all over
the place. It's going to be rough,

he's going to be thrown around.

I want you to enjoy the G-Wagon,
see what it can do.

RADIO: Are you and Simon ready?

Ready.

In three, two, one. Go!

We're off. What's his strategy,
then? Speed.

Good God, he's going fast.
Oh, he's giving it some.

Up we go, Simon. He's giving it
some. He's coming up

to the first one. How on Earth is he
going to shoot them at that speed?

Watch the butt of your gun, Simon.
Oh, that's good.

I've not heard a gun.

What's he doing? Whoa-ho-ho!

Has he hit any? Fred, you know
what he's doing here, don't you?

He's just going flat out up
the hill.

Do you know what, as ideas go with
Paddy McGuinness, I think

this could be his best ever one.

There we go, Simon.

Whoa-oh!

Bit slippy there! McGuinness has
used his loaf, hasn't he?

Lovely stuff!
Have you enjoyed it, Simon?

PADDY AND SIMON LAUGH

He has subverted our entire
challenge.

What was the point?

Right, can you deal with him? Yeah.
I'd love to. I can't deal with him.

Won't be a moment, Simon.

Paddy, I've got to hand it to you.
I'm taking it off.

Well played.

What was the time? 52 seconds.

And then you put on your time
penalty at 50 seconds...

Which is... Go on.

..1 minute 40 seconds. Hang on.

He's absolutely nailed us.

Right, so with the win going to
the team that didn't fire

a single shot, it's fair to say
that as new sports go,

drive-by clay pigeon shooting does
still need a bit of work.

But, however unsportsmanlike
McGuinness's win had been,

as we got back on the road through
the Highlands,

frankly, it was hard to care.

Lads, right now I think this
is as beautiful

a place as there is on the planet.
It's stunning.

It's the most bizarre
experience, this.

I'm driving through some of the most
dramatic scenery

and I genuinely feel I'm outside.

It's so difficult to describe.

Part of me's enjoying it,
part of me's

just wanting to get a bit warmer.

I can totally relate to you in
the Nomad, Fred,

cos this G-Wagon, no heated
steering wheel.

Can you believe that?

On another note, when this wind
picks up, my eyes are frozen shut.

Geez.

You wanted to drive a Nomad.

All right. There's a few things
which I'm getting fed up of now.

Every time trying to climb through
the roof into the car,

strapping in, this seat.

I know... I know what it is,
this car,

but there's something a bit
comfier than a plastic seat.

Paddy, describe to me how
surprisingly comfortable

that car is. Cos from the outside,
they look like they bounce around,

but they really don't, do they?
No, it's so on point.

This is all the bells and whistles
in here of an S-Class limo.

Can you change the subject please,
lads, cos my back is in bits?

PADDY CHUCKLES

Paddy's looked a bit pimped up
to me, but the G-Wagon really

is the real deal.
It will do everything.

As for the Nomad, well,
I mean, that is a statement car,

but right now I wouldn't swap
either of those two for this.

I'm liking it more and more.

And this is a difficult
position for me

cos I'm someone that doesn't like
big SUVs.

But there's an honesty about
this one.

It feels like it's built for
a purpose, it's built to go

and do rugged things. And it's in
weather like this,

that I do feel some sympathy for
SUV drivers

because I'm up high, I feel safe.

There is a lot to be said for it.
I don't want to condone it.

But if you're going to do it,

the Land Rover Defender
might be the best way.

It's very Game of Thrones now, this,
isn't it? North of the Wall.

I can't even comment on that
cos I've never watched it.

What do you reckon Paddy would
have been in Game of Thrones?

What do you reckon he would be?

An extra.

Leaving Middle Earth, or wherever
it was they were talking about,

behind us, we were soon
closing in on the West Coast,

where apparently the next test of
our off-roaders was

waiting for us at a nearby airport.

Now, these... These are
the real deal.

Special Vehicle Operations
six-wheeler from Land Rover.

And look at that!

I get these, they're built for
a job. Yeah.

Not just poncing around in. Exactly.

I mean, are you not ashamed to be in
that, looking at that? Not really.

No, you're not.

"Any true off-roader should be
comfortable transporting animals.

"You will now find out which car
can tow livestock the quickest.

"PS, the livestock is you."

Livestock is us?
So, you're towing yourself?

So, you're towing yourself. How do
you drive if you're towing yourself?

Fair question.

For this so-called test of towing
ability, we would now take turns

being dragged behind our own cars

along the entire length of
the runway.

With the Stig at the wheel,
ready to go whatever speed

we called on the radio, and nothing
but a couple of metal plates

on our feet for protection,
the winner would be whoever

dared to go quickest.

The only small consolation being
who was going first.

It's TV's Paddy McGuinness!

Look at him! Yes!

I can't see your face, but your body
language is not happy.

I know it can tow me,
I don't need to do this.

I know, but the thing is you laugh.
What's the thing here, by the way?

You've got to hold on.

Just hold on to that.
The speedo goes to 180. There?

Yeah. Give me a shout when it gets
to that. OK. 20.

That's the one. OK.

Why couldn't you have just
gone first?

Then we could have gone 160mph,
we'll leave it.

They rigged it up to yours. Geez.

Go on, Paddy. Go on, Paddy.

Go on, McGuinness! Oh, no.
Go on, then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

He's gone.

Oh, my God.

What's he going? 20?

That's enough, isn't it?

He's going up to 30.
30, that's impressive.

40.

Ah.

OK, 40. 40. That's all right.

He's already gone
where he wanted to go.

50. Oh, he's still going.

He appears to be on fire! 60.

Shall we just give it to him? 60.

70. The boost gauge just flickers.
Look at that boost there.

He's just gassed it.

Oh, my God.

That's a good effort.
OK, come on.

Whoa, whoa, what you stopping for?

Whoa, Stig, Stig!
What are you stopping for?

He's still sparking which means
his feet are still on the ground.

BLEEP the bed!

BLEEP.

Huh!

Huh!

You can always tell when he's
not happy

cos this just slows down,
doesn't it? That just slows down.

So, maybe if we keep him
in a state of constant fear,

it'll actually be nice
working with him.

My feet are on fire.

My feet are on fire.

Who's next? I don't know.

Do you want to go? No.

Well done, Pad. Ran out of runway.

We lost you as it said 70.

Yeah, and then he broke.

I honestly thought, "We're out of
runway, there's a problem."

Did you manage to dismount OK?
Not really!

But your official time...
Well, your official speed was 72mph.

Paddy McGuinness.

Wasn't a pleasant 72, let me tell
you. Well, you've done it now.

You've demonstrated it. So,
we don't need to do it. What?

They did, and more's to
the point, Harris

and his Defender were going next.

# You're not singing any more

# You're not singing any more! #

Come on, Chris.

Good lad. Can you reach the bar?

All right, Stiggy. Let's go.

Here he goes.

He's hanging on for his...
Here we go, we've got 20.

Looking at that now...

..I'm glad I've done mine.
I'm glad it's done.

I can't see anything.
I can't see anything.

Keep going. Seems to be going quick.

He's going quick here, he's 50.
Going quick.

Keep going, keep going.

He's smashing it. Keep going.

Keep going.

I reckon he'll get to 90 here,
Fred. 70.

Keep going.

Whoa, whoa!

80!

Keep going.

PADDY SHOUTS

90! That's enough. That's enough.

Oh! 89. 89.

I never want to do that again. Ever.

Ever, ever, ever.

He was going, wasn't he?

That was horrible.

89.

Chrissy Harris!

How do you feel? You went off like
a bullet!

I just held on for dear life.
I couldn't see,

so I just closed my eyes.

Do you know what you got?

65, 70?

What? No!

Yeah!

80... No!

..9!

You were that close to 90.
I was calling 90,

then you just backed off.

Just backed off. Things I never want
to do again. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

Andrew. I'll get ready then.
Over to you. Thank you.

Go on, Stig.

Come on.

Look how fast he's getting up now.
He's already at 40.

No idea how fast I'm going!

Go, go, go, go.

60 already. 70.

He's going to smash it.

We're all over the place here.
We're all over the place.

Oh!

It's not even straight.
He's moving about on the back of it.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

90. Go on, go on, go on!

Wow. He's just pipped me!
Why has he not gone for the 100?

Still good, though. Good effort.

Not a clue how fast or anything.

Do you know how I feel sorry for?
The Nomad.

Having to drag that up there.
Oh, blimey!

LAUGHTER

Not the most graceful.

Oh!

What did you get? 89. 89.

You did 92!

Fantastic. Absolutely fair play.

Hey, went off like a rocket,
just about 60, got a little bit...

And then carried on again.
That wasn't nice.

I think he had a dodgy gear change,

the Stig. Would you ever do
that again?

I'd quite like to get 100, but...

What are you on about? Maybe for
another day. Maybe for another day.

Let's go and have a little break.
Let's go and have a pedicure.

Oh, I'll tell you, what you need
is a lobotomy.

So, what have we learnt?

Well, if you want a sketchy way to
tow a human,

the Nomad is the car for you.

And as if that kind of take-home
information wasn't enough to be

getting on with, as the last day of
our Highland adventure began,

Harris made another important
discovery in his Defender.

The OCD car tester in me is
struggling with one thing here.

Watch this. I put the window down.
Bit of wind noise.

See this. The glass, just here,
is about three mil

proud of the top of
the window frame.

That would kill me.
Why can't it go all the way down?

Argh!

Three days in and we'd really
got to know our cars.

And starting another long day in
the plastic saddle,

it has to be said, the Nomad, for
all its many talents, will always

be one of those relationships
you really have to work at.

You know what, as much as I love
driving it around

and skidding it about, I don't know
what I'd use one of these for.

I don't live in a quarry.
I live on a street.

I've got no doors, I've got no roof,

I've got to climb through the top of
the car.

But I think I'd sooner be sat
in here than the G 63.

The G 63, for me, is the people
who go to Dubai

and take pictures of their dinner
while they're in a restaurant.

It just screams, "Have a look at me.
Here I am."

The more time I spend in this
G-Wagon, the more I like it.

I already like the car, anyhow,
but I really, really like it now.

And when I look at the Defender
and the Nomad, do you know what?

I like them as well.
I think we've got three very

capable vehicles here.

I mean, yeah, Fred's Nomad's
capable on a beach in the sunshine,

but still three very capable cars,
I think.

But it was time to find out
which was the most capable,

once and for all.

Because now approaching our goal
at the westernmost point of

the British mainland, the producers

told us to pull over
for one final test.

HE GROANS

You all right there, Fred?
Do you want some Vaseline?

I'm not going to lie,
I'm getting over this.

Right.

Ooh! What have we got?

What the hell are those?

They're impressive, aren't they?

"The lighthouse at Ardnamurchan
needs a new bulb.

"First to deliver their bulb to
the lighthouse and to switch it on

wins. The lighthouse is unmanned
and locked.

We've stashed three sets of keys in
the woods.

Their coordinates are in
these trackers.

Three sets of keys in some woods.
Woods.

Yes, the final leg of our journey
west would now be a race

to change the bulb at
the Ardnamurchan Lighthouse.

Is this the bulb? Crikey!

The lighthouse, though, was locked

and that meant first we'd each
have to retrieve our own key,

the key which had been
hidden somewhere

in the surrounding wilderness.

I don't know how I'm going to put it
in here. That's no space whatsoever.

The problem with having a three
door - I haven't got any

bloody back doors, have I?

LAUGHTER

Pop that in there.

Go, go, go, go!

Right, here we go.

With only a hand-held GPS to
help us track down our prize,

we'd now have to head into
the rough stuff,

retrieve our individual key
as fast as possible,

and make it to the lighthouse first,

all without damaging
our delicate bulbs.

Heading out onto
the Peninsula, then,

all we could do was wait for the GPS
to tell us when to turn off.

HONKING

Flintoff, will you hurry up?

There's only one road in
and you're going too slowly!

Just relax, Chris, I've got
a light bulb in my footwell.

Hey, we've all dashed off there,

and we've not even looked if it's

a bayonet fitting or
an Edison screw.

We get there, it's going to be
a nightmare.

I'm more worried that mine's going
to be a lot of pieces

when we get there.

My light bulb's right at the side
of me, safe as houses.

Larry the light bulb.

This low sun's quite helpful.

I bet the windscreen of the Nomad
looks good.

Genuinely, I'm just seeing images
through me windscreen.

I don't even know what they are.

Before Flintoff could hold us up
any longer,

though, suddenly the GPSs
sprang into life.

BEEPING

Oh, it's saying turn right here.

See you! My arrow says right
here. Oh!

They've peeled off.
Where have they gone?

HONKING

Oh, I thought I'd lost you.
Why are you following me?

Mine said turn right!

The GPS for me is saying keep going
and they've come off.

I reckon the tyres on this thing are
going to be superior down here.

I think I've got an advantage
now, McGuinness.

Yeah, I'm looking at my speedo.
We're at 22mph.

BEEPING

It's saying up here.

Really?

Say nothing, say nothing.
Oh, mine's taking me up here!

He's going that way. Here we go!
Why have you gone up there?

Why have you got up there? I've been
sent a different way, Harris!

Here we go!

With McGuinness now heading off on
his own trail...

Now we've started!

..the race to find our keys was
properly on.

Come on!

Through the snow!

And you know what, my Nomad was
making sense all over again.

HE LAUGHS

This is what it's about.
Get it off-road, the Nomad.

This is what it's designed for.
This is why you buy one.

Never mind the uncomfortable back,
never mind the cold.

Just have fun!

Come on!

Sounds fantastic, though,
that engine, don't it?

Oh! Whoa! Whoa, Larry.

Relax, son! It's like bringing
the curry home.

You want to get back when it's hot.
Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! But you want it in one piece.

It is a really capable thing, this.

Land Rover doesn't refer to
this as an SUV.

It calls the Discovery an SUV
and the Range Rover an SUV.

It calls the Defender an off-roader.

BEEPING

Yeah, that's not...

OK, well, finally we get the chance
to see what this thing will do

off-road. Let's go.

Bit of gas.

I'm just going route one here.

It's like a rally stage.

Come on, up the hill, up the hill,
up the hill.

Get up, get up, get up, go!

Whoa, it's dancing.
I forgot about the light bulb!

I forgot I've got
a light bulb in me car.

I mean, it can't be that far away,
but this is a nightmare on here.

It's so slippy!

BEEPING
What's going on here now?

How far off am I? Where am I?

Where am I here? Where am I?

Right, go that way.

It's a dead end. It's a dead end.

What?

Right, where is this going?

That's locked. Yes.

Right.

Whoa! BLEEP!

Where are we?

Oh! I can see it!

First blood to the G-Wagon.

McGuinness had already
found his key,

while on the other side of
the mountain the Defender

and I were facing one hell of
a climb to reach ours.

I've got to get up here. The arrow's
turning up here.

Come on. Come on. We can do this.
We can do this.

Come on.

Come on, come on!

Come on, you little sod!

Worse still, Flintoff

and his Nomad were making rapid
progress of their own.

Geez, it's icy, it's wet,
it's muddy!

BEEPING

What's in here? What's in here?

The key's in here somewhere.

Where is it?

Where is it?

I've got it!

Oh, God.

I'm 47.

HE PANTS

Oh!

This isn't really working.
I'm wasting a lot of time here.

The other two are going to be
absolutely crucifying me.

Now, to the lighthouse.

PANTING

Come on!

Key for the lighthouse.

Here we go.

Oh, dear.

I think Harris were
right about them tyres.

We can do this, we can do this.

Come on, my son.

Come on. Come on!

Good work, Defender.

BEEPING
Ah! There we go.

Yes! Oh!

HE LAUGHS

The key.

Here we go. We're off.

Here we go. Whoa! Through the mud!

Keep going, come on.

Keys in hand, we'd all finished
the first leg of the race.

But we still had to get back to
the road and onto the lighthouse

while keeping our bulbs in
one piece.

Whoa, whoa! Easy, bulb.

In the hard-riding Nomad,
that is easier said than done.

Hanging on to dear life.
Don't go cracking on me.

The only thing to do was
ease off the pace.

Just not quite as much
as McGuinness.

Let's try again.

Come on, G-Wagon!

Right.

While Germany's finest was busy
burying itself into a hillside,

after a difficult first leg, Team
Defender was finally making a move.

That was impressive.

Because that's a really
tricky surface.

Let's scarper back down here,
shall we?

Here we go, boys!

HE LAUGHS

What do they say when you go to
the mountains?

They say go properly equipped.
I am properly equipped.

Which, it was time to conclude,
McGuinness wasn't.

Go on, G-Wagon. You've got it.

Nothing stops this car, nothing.

So, with the G-Wagon now being
winched to safety by some

local forestry types...
Lovely, bit of German engineering!

..it's fair to say McGuinness's race
was over.

But my plucky Defender had got me
back to the road,

and as we closed in on
the lighthouse, the only question

now was - would Flintoff and his
Nomad emerge in front...

There we go, we're off again.

..or behind?

Lighthouse, on the B with a lot
of numbers.

Light bulb's intact,
I've got the key.

Am I going to be first?

Oh!

There's the lighthouse.

Come on!

Oh, hang on, hang on.
Oh, hang on.

No!

Oh, Andrew!

No!

He can't get past me.

You all right, Chris?
You cannot get past me.

It's still single track, my friend.

No! I just need a little bit more.

I'm loving this!

And he's trying it. Oh!

He's trying it!
There's a fence there.

This was it, then.

With the road snaking its final few
yards to the coast,

our Highland adventure
was at an end.

If it goes two lanes, this will
become the widest Defender ever.

And as the Ardnamurchan Lighthouse
rounded into view,

the car in front was the Defender.

What are the chances that there's
a red G-Wagon ahead of both of us?

Not a chance. Not a chance.

It's a victory.

Oh!

But there was of course one more job
left to do.

Do you want me to open it?
Yes, please, Andrew.

The lighthouse needed its new bulb,

and that meant lugging all
19 kilos of it up to the top.

It's never-ending! It's like
a Paddy McGuinness joke.

I think the Defender might have
done us here, Larry.

That could have all been yours,
Larry. Never mind.

And once McGuinness and his new
friend finally joined us...

Not far now, Larry.

..the only question was -
had my bulb survived the trip?

I declare this lighthouse
operational.

Yes!

Oh. You have as well. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, no! What have you done?

Hey, don't worry! Larry's here.
I've brought Larry up, lads.

You must have cracked it in transit.

It's gone. It's gone bang, lads.

THEY CHEER

ALL: Ohhhh!

PADDY CHEERS

They're meant to flash.
No, they spin, don't they?

No, they flash. They flash now.
There you go, you see.

That's his nautical knowledge. Do
they not go round like that? No.

Paddy, it's 2021. Do they not do
that any more in lighthouses?

What do you think this is?
Moby Dick?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on! Fair play, Chris.
Congratulations.

But you've got to admit you're
lucky. I nearly had you there.

I had you totally covered
the whole way.

No chance, I was just behind you.
I was catching you up in the Nomad.
Look at it. You were still second.

Lads, lads, lads, we were
all winners, really.

We all made it to the lighthouse

and we avoided an international
shipping incident.

Well, not really, you came last.
You got stuck in the mud, Pad. What?

That third diff-lock came in
very handy, didn't it?

I've got to be honest, if
I'd have had six diff-locks,

it wouldn't have made any
difference with them tyres.

What we can all agree on is
that I won

and the Defender is the best
off-roader here by miles.

We can't agree on that. It's this
every day of the week. The Nomad.

What's wrong with you? Look at it.
Enough, enough. Stop there. I won.

It's simple. OK? And that's
all we've got time for tonight.

It is, but we'll be back next week
with the last show of the series.

Where has that time gone?
Already? Yeah!

But don't worry because
it's a belter.

We finally solve the male midlife
crisis. See you then! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE