Top Gear (2002–…): Season 30, Episode 4 - Episode #30.4 - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Top Gear,
where it's a sad day

at Television Centre, because this
is our last show of the series.

AUDIENCE: Ahhh! Gutted.

Don't worry, because we're going out
in style, by solving, no question,

the biggest issue facing
humankind today -

the male midlife crisis.

Christopher?
LAUGHTER

Thank you, Paddy.

The other day, the producers were
going on about midlife crisis cars.

"You know the type," they said,
"probably a two-seater,



"maybe a convertible,
definitely a bit showy,

"bought by men of a certain age."

Fred? Thanks.
LAUGHTER

And we said,
"What are you talking about?

"There's no such thing
as a midlife crisis car.

"What there is is a midlife
opportunity car,

"a car that's not about
boot space or ISOfix points.

"A car bought by men of a certain
age to make them

"feel good about themselves."

Paddy?
LAUGHTER

Well, luckily, Fred and Chris,
that doesn't affect us.

But the producers said,
"Lads, you're clearly all in denial.

"But if you reckon these midlife
opportunity cars are so great,

"take eight grand, go out
and bag yourself a gem of a crisis."



MUSIC: Loaded
by Primal Scream

Crisis? What crisis?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you eight grand's worth
of midlife...

..opportunity.

The TVR Chimaera.

If life's a bit dull, need a bit
of a shake-up, trust me...

# Ah, yeah... #

..this will shake you up.

Four litre, V8, rear-wheel drive.

This is a sports car for the purist.

There's no power steering.

There's no ABS, no traction control.

It's temperamental.

This thing will throw you in a hedge
if you get on the wrong side of it.

# We want to be free to do what
we want to do... #

But, best of all,
it was built in Lancashire.

And that puts it on my list
of all-time greats.

I was going to buy one of these
when I was 21.

I went to the factory in Blackpool
and had a look round,

got pretty much this
identical car in silver.

The problem was, though, I couldn't
get insured. Nobody'd have me.

Now I'm 43...

..I can get insured!

And, in my book, that's a pretty
good excuse to roll back the years.

# Ah, yeah... #

It's an opportunity.

I've got the earring back in,
a nod to me mid-20s!

# We want to be free to do what
we want to do... #

Here we go.
ENGINE ROARS

Oh-ho-ho!

What a car!

Yes, it is,

but the one thing that's better than
a sports car with a big V8...

..is a sports car
with an even bigger one.

MUSIC: Layla
by Derek And The Dominoes

The Vauxhall Monaro.

The thinking man's muscle car.

An American design,
built in Australia, sold in England.

It's multicultural. It's exotic!

This thing is so rare, they only
sold a couple of hundred in the UK.

Love that!

Don't let the badge fool you.

Underneath, this is a Holden,
an Aussie muscle car legend,

packing a 5.7-litre V8,

producing over 370 hp.

This thing is special at any speed.
The V8 burbles.

I feel I'm not in an ordinary car.

It's comfortable and it's relaxing.

Until you put your foot down...

ENGINE ROARS

..and then it's a gibbering lunatic!

Very nice, but, also, very wrong.

MUSIC: E strano! E strano!
Ah, Fors'e Lui - La Traviata

If you want to make the most
of your midlife opportunity,

there's only one badge
you really need.

The Prancing Horse.

Il Cavallino Rampante.

Ferrari.

ENGINE WHOOSHES
Oh, bellissimo!

And I know what you're thinking.

"Mr McGuinness, how do you get
a Ferrari for eight grand?"

Well, trust me, my friends,

I have my ways.

Absolute genius.

Genius I'd soon dazzle the other two
with, as we've been told

to meet up with our
midlife masterpieces

at Wiltshire's finest racetrack.

Oh, Castle Combe, here we are.

Oh, look at that. The first one
here.

But that happens a lot in a TVR.

Oh, this is Harris.

What's Flintoff gone for?
The TVR Chimaera.

He might have made
the right choice, there.

He's got a bright red Vauxhall.

Morning, Fred. Morning.

Now, I have to say...that is
the perfect British sports car.

Great effort. What is that?

That is a Vauxhall Monaro.
Is it really?

Oh, come on, it's perfect, it's got
a V8, it's practical, it's special.

Is it special? The one thing about
these cars is living your best life.

Yeah.

Look at them, look at them! OK...
Look at them! Look at them!

I want to give you grief but I can't
because this is

a great choice of car.
That is the Austin Healey

of the modern era, isn't it?

However, I can get the family in
this. So I've got the V8 muscle...

But no, no... ..when I want it.
..you've missed the point of this.

What? This is not about the family.
This is not about getting the kids

in the back. This is about our time.

This is about your time.

This is about Chris Harris
taking a car out just for him.

MUSIC: Liabiamo Ne'lieti Calici -
La Traviata

What in the name of...?

Is that a 355?

No, it isn't! No, it isn't!

CHRIS LAUGHS
No!

Ciao. Konnichiwa. No!

How are you? No!

Look at it, though!
My eyes! My eyes!

To be fair, if you were down
the road, looking at that,

you'd be giving it "355".
You wouldn't hear it coming!

THEY LAUGH

I'm telling you...I love it!

Look, look, it's a fake Ferrari.
The Toyarri.

CHRIS LAUGHS

What is it? It's an MR2. Is it?
250 brake horse. Yeah.

It's had more chips
than Harry Ramsden's.

It's lively. I love it. How much?

I've gone a bit over budget.
How much? Only a bit.

Eight grand was the budget.
Yeah. Nine and a half.

You spent nearly ten grand on that?

Yeah. Someone left that room
laughing. It wasn't you.

This is a rare car.

355s are ten a penny. This thing...

You've got to search for one.
And look at the nick it's in, boys.

The great thing about these
conversions is even people

that know nothing about cars know
instinctively that this isn't

a 355, it's THAT wrong!
No, they don't! Yes, they do!

No, they don't! People'll like it.
It makes people smile.

It's all about being
positive in life. What's that?

Is that five or six litres,
that thing?

5.7. A lot of car. Yeah.

And I'm going to enjoy that. OK.
And this is a powerful car.

It's a Vauxhall, at the end of
the day. You've picked a Vauxhall.

Well, it's a Holden, actually.
What? It's a Holden.

Same thing. With a Vauxhall badge
on it. It's just the Aussie bit.

It's fine. Oh? So very similar
to this? No, no, no! That...

This is totally fraudulent.
You've just said about...

VOICEOVER: Now, we could have argued

over who bought
the best fake car all day.

Look, look, see, that's all it is.
There's the Holden badge.

Yeah, but listen, listen...

VOICEOVER: But before Harris could
pull apart any more of his Vauxhall,

something about Flintoff
caught my eye.

Stop.

Have you got an earring in? Yeah.

I like it. I like it.

This is what it's about, lads, hey?

Takes me back, that. We're here.
We're in our beautiful cars.

We're at a racetrack.

The Prancing Horse wants to dance!

CHRIS LAUGHS
Come on, lads! Go on, Paddy.

Sayonara! Let's do it!

ENGINES REV

It looks even worse from here!

Oh, yes, it was time to show what
a midlife opportunity really

looks like by heading out on
the track and opening up the taps.

Oh-ho-ho, jeez!

What a car!

It really does go!

Go on!

0-60, five seconds.

Top speed over 150 mile an hour
- that is enough.

For this car, that is enough.

BRAKES SQUEAL

Jeez!

BRAKES SQUEAL

Look at that!

HE LAUGHS

Harris is sliding it about.

Little bit of opposite lock,
not too much.

Use the power,
of which there is plenty.

No, this is not
an authentic Ferrari...

..obviously.

But it's not about that.
This car is about fun.

It's about having a good time.

And it is an MR2,
so it's great to drive.

GEARBOX CRUNCHES

Well, it is when the gearbox works.

GEARBOX CRUNCHES

But that doesn't matter.

Point is this car's a tribute act.

It's the Rolling Clones.
It's Fake That.

We know it's not the real thing.

But you're still going to have
an absolutely great night!

Make a bit of room, Chris.

Ferrari coming through.

THEY LAUGH

Hello, there, gentlemen.

This is what it's all about, boys,
isn't it, eh?

Just three young lads enjoying
their mid-lives.

They're living the dream.

ENGINES REV

Right, lads, what's that?
Looks like a car park.

Are they a load of Saxos?

The Junior Saloon
Car Championship?

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

What have we got here, then?
Young people.

All on their phones, aren't they?

Look at 'em! Don't look up.
No eye contact. Nothing.

See this lad here?

That's like a young me.
I could go and give him some advice.

Have you been round here

a few years ago on tour
with the cricket lads?

Like an advert for JD Sports.

Here we go.

"One of the biggest fears
of a midlife crisis

"is being overtaken
by the younger generation.

"Time to find out
how long you and your cars

"can keep the youth at bay."

Oh. These?

I'm happy. I'm not worried at all.
I'm confident.

He's just given you the evils, him,
over there. Has he? Yeah.

Speak when you're spoken to, son.
Adult speaking. Thank you.

Unbelievable. Let's have it right.
Time for these kids to be schooled.

Yes.

To prove we weren't over
the hill just yet,

we'd be taking on a whole grid
of teenage racers.

Our aim was to try
and stay out in front...

..with the winner being
whoever was overtaken

by the fewest Saxos
over two laps of the track.

So, with three old men's
pride at stake,

Flintoff with his TVR were up first.

Don't let the little scallywags
intimidate you.

You're going to do well, son.

Here we go.

Come on, get away from the Saxos.

LAUGHTER

Look at the little scoundrels.
They're like flies!

He is making a good job of this.
He's already away.

He's through quarry,

I thought he might have had
a bit of a whoopsy there.

That's the most
crashed corner in the UK.

Into the chicane,
don't let these kids put you off!

Now's he's gone, just me and you.

The earring, looks stupid,
but I didn't want to do that to him

when I was giving it the middle-aged
men thing. It's quite a big rock.

Do you think it's a real one
or is it glass?

No, no, no.
It's the Preston Special.

Is it Swarovski? Preston Special.
Preston Special!

There's a Saxo coming.

Oh, they're all over him!
Like a rash!

Oh, my word, here they come.

Come on, Fred!

They're coming round, look.

I'm holding them, I'm holding them,
I'm holding them! I'm holding them!

They're after him.
They're after...

Come on, Freddie!

I'm on the wrong line,
I'm on the wrong line.

There's a Saxo on my inside!

Oh, one's gone.

No, no, get back, get back,
get back.

Oh, come on!

Oh, two have gone past him.
Come on, Fred!

No, no, no, not on the corner, son.
Not on the corner, get back!

This little get!

Going through, here.

I'm staying on.

This little tinker!

No, no, no, no!

Get past, get past! Get past!

He's held on! Yay!

Do you feel confident
in the Toyarri? No.

CHRIS LAUGHS

CAR SCREECHES

THEY CHEER

Get in there!
Looked like a lot of fun.

That looked good fun. It did.

But they're all over you. Are they?

They're all over you. That's kids!

Do you know one of them?
One of them,

and I'll be having words after.

He'll be getting a dressing down.
Good.

Just cut me on the inside,
ended up on the grass.

I went across the grass.
I want that kid's name. Where is he?

So, you were five down,
but that one got...

No, you can't have that!
No, they said that one counts.

So, it's six cars that overtook you.

McGuinness, get in the Toyarri.

I reckon, first chicane, there will
be about ten past that Toyarri.

Only one way to find out.

Time for McGuinness
to take on the youth.

They're frightened, Paddy,
they're frightened of you!

These greasy conditions are going
to suit the mid-engine

handling of that car.

It doesn't make me feel any better,
but thank you.

ENGINE REVS

Go on, Toyarri!
GEARS CRUNCH

THEY LAUGH
They'll have him, they'll have him.

They're going to get him
by that corner.

I reckon the whole lot will have him
on the first lap.

Oh, they're already on me!
They're already on me!

The little sausages!

Oh, they're up him,
they're up him!

Come on, come on, Pad,
hold them off.

Can't find the gear!

HE SQUAWKS: Oh, one's already here!

One's already here!

Can you imagine how much squawking
is going on inside his car

at the moment? Argh!

Argh! Argh! He's passed.
Little sh...

One... Oh, there's another
one coming.

He's going to get done on
the inside, man!

He's queueing up.
There's a queue behind him!

Here they come.

Oh, oh.

Oh!

See, it's like a ride
at Alton Towers.

They're all queuing up to get past.

Half of them
aren't big enough to go on!

Come on!

Come on, Toyarri!

I'm in the wrong place! Argh!

Oh-ho!

Oh! My word!

They were all over me!

It was like the Pied Piper
being chased by pubescent rats!

Did about eight go past? Six.

Well done, Pad. Don't you worry.

No-one should go past him. No-one.
No-one.

ENGINE REVS

That's right.

It was time for the
semi-professional racing driver

to make a stand for middle age.

Here we go, then.
Six each for both of them.

I've got to do better than them.

I simply have to do better
than them.

Chris, are you all right?
Can we just get this done?

Good luck, Chris.

Good luck, my mate. It's terrible!

Here we go, here we go.

CARS SCREECH

Oh! Oh! Go faster!

Right, these lads
are not coming past me.

Hang on, Holden!

Oh, no. They're not getting
anywhere near him.

No, he's giving it,
you little sods.

Look at him! Look at him!

They're going to be better
on the brakes

and they're going to be quicker
at the corners.

But I'm just not going to
let them pass me.

I'm happy for him. I'm happy
for him. I'm happy for him.

But... Yeah.

..you want a couple past, don't you?

They are coming back at me.

I've got one on my backside now.

That's the technical part
of the circuit.

Hopefully, now,
I'll get a bit of gas going.

Go on, Chris! Go on, son!

Show them how it's done!

He's no chance. He is tapping
his wheel. He's got no chance.

It's not a computer game, son!
It's not a computer game!

# Drive boy dive boy

# Dirty numb angel boy

# In the doorway boy... #

Now I can really let
the Monaro stretch its legs.

Have some of that, youth!

The brakes are absolutely
on the floor!

Whoa, he's really trying now!

Come on, then, son!

Big V8 punching me out the corners.

Come on, Holden! Just hold out!

Oh! Oh!

Now push it, Chris!

I'm not letting him past, no way.

Yeah! Come on!

I'm doing this for age,
I'm doing this for experience.

I'm doing this for all
those parents out there

that are sick of the youth
telling us the way it should be.

THEY CHEER

Yes, baby! It's a victory.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

Christopher! Chris Harris!

A little bit of experience there,
boys.

You can't buy it
and you can't bottle it.

Well played, sir.
That was a lesson in maturity.

I like it when he's in a good mood,

cos we're going to have great day
now. Look at him.

Where are we off to now?

THEY EXCLAIM

Come on, you little tinker!

I tell you what, Chris,
I'm so happy for you.

Go on. Well done.
Come on, you. Well done, little man.

I tell you, you've got
a spring in your step...

Look at that - he's happy.
Little bow legs are going.

Oh...

MUSIC: Step On
by Happy Mondays

How are they driving, boys?

The Toyarri is still driving well.

The Monaro, it's just bob on.

I've got to tell you,
this car's doing all right.

After what I did in it on the track,
it's doing surprisingly well.

# He's gonna step on you again

# He's gonna step on yo-u-u-u-u... #

Lads, I were looking online

at telltale signs of
a midlife crisis... Ooh.

..and they had a list.

Do you want me to run through 'em?
See if we tick any of those boxes?

Go on, then.
Number one - getting an earring.

I used to have it
when I was younger.

I'm shaking it up a bit, that's all.

Number two -
buying an expensive bicycle.

Fred, this isn't looking good
for you at all.

No, right, I have got
a few bicycles in me garage...

CHRIS LAUGHS

Right, let's forget the earring
and the expensive bikes.

Let's go to number three
on the list.

Growing your hair long.

I'm smelling a rat here.

You've not even
looked on the internet.

I tell you what, you two
are a couple of whoppers.

Growing your hair long.
What's next - having big teeth?

What about getting a bit of
work done? A bit of botox?

I don't think Paddy's
any stranger to that.

Now, I think I will accept most
things, but you've seen my face -

there's no botox in this!

Fair play, Pad, fair play.

Paddy, is it true that you used to
have a bag of dark dust

to go on the top of your hair
to make it look thicker

on the red carpet?
No, it wasn't dark dust.

It was just a thickening product.

LAUGHTER

With our midlife opportunity
now very much in full swing,

the producers decided
we should have another test.

This time at MoD Lyneham,

a huge military base which
we appeared to have the run of.

It's all looking a little bit
ominous at the moment.

Oh... Empty military facility,

the sun's out
and we have a challenge.

What have we got?

"Midlife crisis cars are
all about showing off." Ooh.

"To prove your cars can put
on a performance, you will now race

"to complete this gymkhana course as
quickly and precisely as possible."

Oh, the old Ken Block's!
Oh, it's fantastic.

You're going to love this.

For anyone not familiar with
the work of Ken Block...

..the Stig will now demonstrate
what a gymkhana is all about.

First, take one
high-performance car.

Oh! Now we're talking!

Then throw in a load of
abandoned roads

and buildings to make
your playground.

Next, scatter about as many cones
as you can lay your hands on.

And litter that playground
with a bunch of obstacles.

Pure catnip
for the YouTube generation.

This is the ultimate display
of driver prowess.

THEY EXCLAIM

There's stones everywhere!

Woo!

Oh!

How good was that?!

With our cars fitted with skinny
back tyres to help us skid,

we'd now take turns to run Stig's
course against the clock.

But, keen for us to start embracing
old age rather than running from it,

the producers had also decided
we'd be doing it wearing something

called a geriatric simulation suit.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Now we're talking!
What's going on here?

I'm going to have to take these off.
Hang on.

Oh, that's better.

You look like Where's Wally's dad.

Yeah. Apparently this simulates
the effects of old age.

This vest is 30kg.

Demonstrate how heavy it is.

It looks like you're just wearing
a vest. Do a jump.

Jump, jump. Do a jump.

Shut up!

Shut up!

It's not nice.

I can't even fasten me helmet.

Do you want to know the best bit?

It's a Le Mans start.

Get back to where the grass
meets the tarmac there.

Come on. Walk back.

You look like C-3PO. Hang on.

OK, are you ready? No!

Three, two, one...

Go!

Come on, Paddy, hurry up!
What are you doing?!

He's skating! Stop skating and run,
man! Don't skate!

STRAINS: Oh, Je...!

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

He spun on the first turn!

It's so difficult with
this bloody arm thing on!

PADDY GROANS

Whoa...!

This is what it's going to be
like when we get older.

You know when you drive to the sea
and you put a blanket on your legs?

See, I would go blanket...

I'd get a bit of the wind there,
get the blanket like that

and then sit down. Oh...!

I can't turn me arms round!

Ken Block's not going to be
watching this thinking,

"My job's in jeopardy," is he?

Is it that way or that way?!

He's just decided to make up
the course.

Where am I?! Where am I going?!

Where am I going?!

Here we go, here we go.
This is going to be entertaining.

What's going to happen now?

Go on, Pad!

Oh, my God!

PADDY BREATHES HEAVILY

I think he's knackered.

PADDY GROANS

I'll be with you in a minute...

You go t'wrong way, Pad?

I come out that shed, everything
was just orange and white,

but the worst thing is,
it's you can't steer

and you can't put the handbrake on.

All things you really need

when you're trying
to be the next Ken Block.

Right, you did it in 5:54.28.

Get in.

Go on, Chris, go and get ready.
Go on. Give us the stopwatch. Go on.

CHRIS GROANS

That's right, it was time
once again for

the semi-professional racing driver
to show us how it's done.

Wait... Oh, God...

Oh, my word, what is that?

Have you got high heels on?
What are you walking like that?!

Paddy, I take a lot of it back.

Do you know what? Honest to God,
you come round the corner, there,

you look like one of them
veloci-ropters from Jurassic Park,

how you're walking. A "ropter"?
"Ropter"?! Veloci-ropter...!

Can we do this, please?
Don't get too close,

your Le Mans start's back there!

Look at...

That is how he walks anyhow!
Oh, my God.

Come on, Chris, you've got this.
Three...

..two...

..one...

Go! No, come on, you can
go faster than that!

PADDY CACKLES

Run, Chris Harris!
Pick your knees up!

Come on!

Best of luck to you.
Come on, Harris!

We said we hope you
have a lovely day!

FRED LAUGHS

Whoa, a lot of smoke!

CAR JUDDERS
Oh...

Oh, that's... That's nice.

That's nice.

I can't control the steering!

I literally can't control
the steering!

How are you supposed to turn it
around here?!

I can't do that...!

HORN HONKS

He's beeping his horn.

I can't...
HORN HONKS

I literally can't...!

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

Argh!

HORN HONKS INTERMITTENTLY

I can see a lot of smoke up there...

This is his thing, he loves...
Sliding about.

He loves sliding, doesn't he?

HE SIGHS WEARILY

I don't know where I'm going here.

Yeah, I've missed out all that.

Oh, he's gone the wrong way...

I think he's gone the wrong way,
as well, Pad! It does happen!

HORN HONKS

Oh, he's pipping his horn!

HORN HONKS

Ooh... Here he comes.
Ooh. He can't get out.

You all right?
Was there things in the way?

We kept hearing you beeping
your horn at people.

What - were there people, traffic?

Well, I couldn't lift my arms up.

6:44.

I was just seeing stars.

PADDY LAUGHS

So it turns out the geriatric suit
does take its toll.

Unless, of course,
you're a massive tree.

Just walking normal...

You have got weights on -
you know that, don't you?

A little bit on me arms.
Why don't YOU give us a burpee?

Let's have a see. You go down...
I knew he would! I knew he would.

Up... Oof...

Bet you can't do five! Not a
chance! Let's get on with this.

FRED LAUGHS
Are you ready? Yeah.

Three...

..two...

..and the thing is...

..just go for it. Have you
pressed that button already?

What? Have you pressed the button?

I've not pressed the button!
You have!

Wahey!

THEY LAUGH

ENGINE REVS

Oh...

Why am I out of breath driving?

Now, he's going
towards the building...

Now, this is where it could get
a little bit air ambulance.

I must admit, I was expecting
a bit more from you.

You went round it a bit pedestrian.

It was fully sideways over there...
No, it wasn't!

No, it wasn't.

Oh, I can't steer!

Do you know what the car looks like?
Yes, I have eyes, and I saw it.

From the outside, when you're
driving it. Oh, dear.

Yes, very sexy.

CHRIS LAUGHS

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, now we're talking!

Where do you get
the confidence from?

I think it's my winning
streak on the show.

There's that many...

Yes, we're round!

Yes, Fred!

He's round that one... Look at that!

Yeah!

He's not going to back off here.

Get the speed going, come on.

You've got to stop at some point,
haven't you? What?

Like, about now would be good.
I'm coming in...!

Oh-ho-ho! Oh!

PADDY LAUGHS

Get back on. Get up, get up!

Get up!

PADDY AND CHRIS LAUGH

CHRIS LAUGHS

PADDY LAUGHS

Jeez!

PADDY AND CHRIS LAUGH

How unpleasant was that?

My arms are so heavy.

Tell you what -
I went the right way, though.

You did. You went the right way.

What did I get?

5:06! Yeah. Well done, sir.

I'm not going to lie,
it's a bit of a hollow victory.

THEY LAUGH

Well done, you're a better old man.

Wahey! Wahey!

THEY CHEER
He's enjoying that, isn't he?

Look at that.

PADDY LAUGHS

Lovely stuff.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That weight suit was absolutely...
It was worse than it looked.

For us two, not for him!

What? For me? Yeah!
Suit was easy for him!

I felt like I was 21 again,
playing cricket for England!

LAUGHTER

But, genuinely, weighted suits are
a real thing in the car industry

to simulate what it's like
for an old person driving.

Why don't they just use
an old person?

That's actually quite a good point,
Fred... That is, yeah...

That is a good point,
I'll give you that!

What we've learned here
is actually, pensioners...

..are extremely strong people! Yes!

Give your nan a Werther's,
she's off! "Right, let's go!"

THEY LAUGH

Yep! We'll get back
to that film later -

terrifying though it sounds. But now
we need to move on to Hot Hatches.

I love a Hot Hatch,
my perfect recipe -

small car, big engine, big power.

And now, there's a new one out.

It comes...

..from Toyota.

And it's called...

..the GR Yaris.

And, on the face of it,

the GR looks like it ticks
all of the Hot Hatch boxes.

It makes around 250 horsepower,
which is proper Hot Hatch power.

It does 0 to 60 in around
five seconds

and tops out at 140mph,
which is proper Hot Hatch pace.

It's all very much...
as it should be.

Until, that is,
you hear about the price.

Because this Toyota Yaris...

..costs over £33,000.

33 grand for a Toyota Yaris?

Now that is a tough sell.

After all, the Yaris badge does
conjure a certain lifestyle.

And not an especially sporty one.

I'm talking Saga Cruises,
Stannah Stairlifts...

..tartan rugs.

In short, 33 grand for
a suped-up OAP mobile

does sound like a big ask,

especially when you consider...

..the competition.

Because for £14,000 less than
the GR, you can have...

..one of those -

the Fiesta ST.

Same size as the Yaris,
utterly brilliant to drive.

Or, for a couple of grand less...

..could have...

..one of these -

Civic Type R.

A whole lot more power...
What a wonderful thing.

It looks like it eats
kittens for breakfast.

And, for pretty much the same money,
you could have one of these -

the Mercedes-AMG A 35.

Faster, more powerful and with
a badge that doesn't scream

"Zimmer frame".

But here's the thing.

You can't compare the Yaris
to regular Hot Hatches...

..because it's not
a regular Hot Hatch.

Allow me to explain.

These are some of
the greatest legends

of the World Rally Championship...

..where, to be eligible to compete,
cars have always had to be

closely based on a road car
you can actually buy.

So, for the best
chance of winning...

..you'd really want to build
a road car

that's been specially designed
to go racing.

But...

..that would be very expensive.

And, as a result,
it almost never happens.

But just occasionally,
a carmaker decides that, yes,

it will build a completely new,
very fast road car

as the perfect base
for its next rally car.

These are called
homologation specials

and they are some of
the best cars ever made.

The Audi Sport Quattro,

shortened to make that
monster there with the big wings.

Lancia Delta Integrale -

is that the greatest homologation
road car ever made to create

the thing that Juha Kankkunen
won those championships in?

And this might be my favourite -
the Evo 6 Mitsubishi

that Tommi Makinen
dominated the sport in.

And then, every boy racer's dream -

the Ford Escort RS Cosworth -

and what a rally car that created.

Make no mistake -
this is distinguished company.

And Toyota has now given its most
unlikely of cars the same treatment.

The GR Yaris is no Hot Hatch.

This is a genuine...
rally car for the road.

Woohoo-hoo-hoo!

Just put your foot down and it goes!

The engine's only
a three-cylinder turbo petrol,

but it's the most powerful
one in the world right now

and it's crammed full of
motorsport technology.

It's strong!

And then there's the brakes.

The brake pedal has immense feel,

it's so good, and they are powerful.

But what really sets
this rally Yaris apart...

..is its four-wheel-drive system

and the way it works with
the rest of the chassis

to pin the car to the road.

That short wheelbase,
those wide tracks,

those sticky Michelin tyres...

I reckon you can drive around
the outside of a BMW M3

on any roundabout!

It's that grippy.

Unless, of course,
you put it in sport mode...

..which tells it not to be.

Accelerate!

You get that...

..oversteer...

..in a hatchback!

And, even better,

when you yank the handbrake,
it disconnects the rear axle,

so you can do proper rally-style
handbrake turns!

HE CHUCKLES CHEEKILY

You know what this brings out?

My inner Colin McRae!

Flick it around...

HE LAUGHS

That is ridiculous!

And it's got a Toyota badge on it!

Which, incidentally, is one of
the few things the GR Yaris

shares with the OAP-spec original
that your nan drives.

The regular Yaris has five doors.

This one - three.

The roof is four inches lower

and - because your rally car
must be made of the same stuff

as your road car - that roof
is now also carbon fibre,

while the bonnet and doors
are lightweight aluminium.

Toyota has reinvented
the little Yaris.

And it now truly belongs...

..with this lot.

For me, a homologation special
is a car that looks ordinary

when you see it from a distance,
but up close, you see the width

and the specialness,
those wide tracks.

And the Yaris absolutely nails that.

I think it's an instant icon,
I really do.

Honestly... It's one of the best
cars I've driven in years.

And it absolutely belongs
in this company.

What a machine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

The best little car!

The best little car.

And this is a Yaris. Only made
better if we did it in France -

it'd be Harris in a Yaris in Paris.

LAUGHTER

Come on, Chris,
is it really that good?

Best thing I've driven
in two years, Fred. Wow.

Honestly, it's a hero car.

But it's 33 grand, Chris!
A lot of money...

33 grand for a Yaris! I know, but
the deals on offer at the moment,

it's £300 a month for one of
the best cars you'll drive!

So this is the road version
of the rally car, right?

Yeah. So, how good is the
rally version going to be?

That's the awkward bit, Pad -

because the World Rally
Championships changed the rules

for this year, they're sticking
with the old cars,

so there's a chance they might
not make a rally car.

So...this is a rally car
for the road... Yeah.

..but there's no rally car
for the rally?

For once, you are correct!
LAUGHTER

Sometimes, I think you just go
out of your way, purposely,

to confuse me! Well, while you try

and get your head around that,
Paddy, lad...

It's time to get back to our
midlife opportunity film,

which comes with a warning.

That's right. This next sequence
contains footage

that some viewers
may find disturbing.

Chris Harris in some very snug
leather trousers.

Roll the tape.

The start of another
day on the road.

Except, for some reason,

the producers have decided
to confiscate our cars.

But no matter, because what they've
done is give us the perfect chance

to explore another of midlife's
fantastic opportunities.

MUSIC: Born To Be Wild
by Steppenwolf

Aye-aye, Captain.

Living the dream, Captain!
Living the dream.

Just a couple of blokes on a bike.

# Get your motor runnin'

# Head out on the highway... #

How are you getting on, Christopher?

When the sun's out, there's not
many things I'd rather be doing

than wobbling around on a bike.

# Born to be wild... #

Boys, this is the life, innit?!

# Born to be wild... #
Woooo!

I shouldn't be trusted on this.

Try being on a Harley!

Looking good, Pad. Oh, yes.

Eat your heart out, Peter Fonda.

Born to be wild. I mean, it's
not exactly Route 66, this -

I'm on a B-road to Siddington -

but it'll do.

FRED LAUGHS

Quite why the producers had
given us the morning to enjoy

three of our favourite bikes,
though, was about to become clear.

Because we've been told to head
to the Cotswolds Water Park,

where they've been busy
setting up our final test.

Fit bikes on t'roof, Pad.
One extreme to the other here.

What is going on here, then?

Challenge.

Oh, tell you what, I enjoyed that.

"No midlife crisis would be complete

"without a sudden interest
in fitness."

No. Ring any bells? No.

Stop it. No, no, no.

Stop it.

"To see which of you has embraced
your so-called opportunity,

"you will now compete in the
Top Gear midlife crisis triathlon.

"MAMILs, get ready to swim,
ride and drive." MAMILs?

Middle-Aged Men In Lycra. Oh, God.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes. It being November, of course
the producers have decided it was

a good time to do a triathlon.

This one had been enhanced with
a few motorised upgrades.

Starting with a short sprint in our
cars down to the water's edge.

Next, we'd be on to a trio
of Jet Skis,

where a quick blast up and down
the lake would be followed

by a swim back to the shore.

Then we'd be on to the push bikes.

And after a 4km ride
around the lake -

mercifully, for the final leg -

we'd be back in our cars
for three laps

of a rough and ready gravel circuit.

And with almost all of that
sounding utterly hideous,

to make matters worse,

first we'd have to get changed.

I tell you, the thing
is about these suits,

that optical illusion
makes it look like

you've got a massive stomach.
CHRIS LAUGHS

Is yours doing that? Yes.

SUITS CREAKING

At least we've still got
our dignity.

Now this race, for me -
this is all about second place.

Cos as we know...
Lurch is gone. Lurch is gone.

..Peloton Pete over there...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

..he'll be going across the lake,
pulling a salmon out, eating it,

bike, gone.

It does involve a Jet Ski so he
could kill himself on that easily.

Hey.

What? Don't do that! Don't do that.

May the best man win, Patrick.

He will. May the best MAMIL win.

ENGINES ROAR

Right, chins up, bellies in.

It was time for our middle-aged
triathlon to begin.

Here we are.

OVER RADIO: Three, two, one. Go.

Here we go!

It's very muddy.

Stay out of the puddle, Harris.

Oh, no. I can't see owt
out my window.

The Monaro was quickest
out the blocks.

Meaning Harris just had
his nose in front

down to the water.

Come on. Come on.

We're off. I need a wee!

CHRIS LAUGHS

Whoa!

Oh, God, goggles.
How do you get this on?

How did you get that on?

Lightning off the line on
his Jet Ski, as well, though...

Can't get it on. Ah!

..it's fair to say the early moves
were all Harris.

What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?

ENGINE REVS

I've put it in reverse!

Jesus!

Come on, let's catch Harris.

Whoa! Whoa!

How the hell are you supposed
to steer it?

While McGuinness
trailed off the back,

the leader was already approaching
the top of the lake.

Come on. We've got to beat him.

Catching on Harris.
Where's McGuinness?

Come on, baby!

I'm doing nearly 100km an hour.

Come on. Go, go, go!

Ah!

Thankfully, with Harris
negotiating the final slalom,

the Jet Ski run was nearly over.

And, as the frontrunner
summoned his athleticism

for the next stage of the race...

Smooth, smooth.

..Flintoff was hot on his heels...

I'm swimming a bit further here.

..while, with a little
creative interpretation

of the start line for the swim,

as the only ex—Bolton Community
Leisure Centre lifeguard among us...

..it was time
to do some catching up.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

And with Paddy having cheated
his way back into the running,

the wet stage of the race
was behind us.

Next, it was time for
the second two-wheeled leg,

breaking out the bikes for
a one-lap, Lycra-bound dash

around the perimeter of the lake.

But, having now lost
all of my early lead,

frankly, for the next leg,

I didn't fancy my chances.

For starters, my bike didn't work.

Chain's come off.

And while Paddy got away first,

the real issue was that Flintoff...

I'm only off.

..is a cycling machine.

Come on.

Let's see what you've got.

Sadly, Harris is absolutely right,

because while I had taken
the lead...

Hey, Pad. Hey!

..I managed to hold on to it...

Nice and easy.

..for about eight seconds.

Oh, where's he going?!

Come on, son.

Not as fit as I used to be.

I'm probably fitter.

The whole chain's gone. It's bent.

Look at the kink here. Look at that!
That is not helpful.

Yep, one of us stranded...

PANTING

..the other just trying
to stay upright,

the human dynamo
disappearing into the distance.

Just keep pedalling.

Keep turning my legs.

This triathlon of ours
was getting predictable.

Can't see the boys.

No sign of them.

But then...

..Harris reminded us all
that with middle age

comes wisdom.

The wisdom to always play...

..to your strengths.

Come on, Monaro.

Right, I've got a fair old amount
of distance to catch up here.

Oh, I'm flat out.

I can't go any quicker than this.

The Vauxhall was getting me
back on track,

but its injection of pace
looked like

it had come too late.

Flintoff was approaching
the end of his lap.

And with McGuinness
just a minute or so behind,

even with a heap of extra
V8 legwork...

..I'd need a miracle
to reel them back in.

Especially as Flintoff didn't
look all that interested

in giving up his lead.

HE GRUNTS

Flippin' shoes.

Oh! I'm driving.

Where are they?

Well, one of us was
on the final sprint.

Whoa!

Three laps of the gravel track.

Back at the wheel...

Still out of breath.

..of the TVR.

FRED LAUGHS

What are the boys doing?

There's nobody else on the track.

I can see the cars.

HE GROANS

Let's keep McGuinness at bay.

He's not even started yet.

Come on, Paddy!

One lap down, Paddy, lad.

Come on.

Come on, keep going.

Here we go!

Fair play to the big lad -
already a lap up,

even a real Ferrari would have
struggled to catch him.

FRED WHOOPS

So the Toyarri - well, let's
just say it had met its match.

Oh, my God, the water's coming in.

HE CHEERS

With Harris bringing up the rear...

Come on, then!

..Flintoff was away,

and nothing was going to stop him.

Whoa!

ENGINE FAILS TO START

I've broke down!

Going to have to make a run
for it. I'm going to run.

MUSIC: Reverend Black Grape
by Black Grape

Oh, yes, Preston's answer
to the Terminator...

..just kept on trucking.

I've got me cycling shoes on.

What's he doing?!
HORN BEEPS

So, with darkness falling on
our shambolic efforts...

FRED WHOOPS

Flintoff's running.
I can't see what's happened.

..the result was
what we always knew.

# Gather around me... #

Oh!

Oh!

The man who most embodies the
gentleman's midlife opportunity...

..is Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff, OBE.

Well done, pal. Thank you.

Fred, you are the king
of the middle-aged men.

HE LAUGHS

Tell you what, this earring's
coming straight out.

ALL LAUGH

# All joyful and triumphant... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at him.

Let's not spoil his moment.

Congratulations, Fred... Thank you.

..but you know what the worst
thing about that day was?

Yeah. You cheating, obviously.
How did I cheat?

Well, you did half the swim
on a Jet Ski pad.

I've never driven
a Jet Ski in my life.

It was just floating on the water.

I jumped off and swam
over to you. End of.

You nearly drowned doing
a 20-metre swim.

You have got a point.
I'm not going to lie,

you wasn't the stiffest competition
I've ever had, you two. Come on.

The worst thing about the day
was wearing those wet suits.

Now I know how a sausage feels.

Anyhow, lads, this one's clear cut.

You bought a fake Ferrari. Yep.

You bought a Vauxhall
family car. Harsh.

I won the triathlon

so that means the ultimate
midlife opportunity car

is the TVR.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Fred. You are
the ultimate midlife crisis.

Thank you.

No... Whoa! No, no.
Fred, Fred, I'm sorry...

That's all we've got
time for this series

and I'm sorry it's been
a short one. Not you.

But we'll be back later in
the year with a longer one.

Not you.

And maybe even some foreign travel,
boys! Keep those fingers crossed!

See you then.
Thank you so much for watching,

and goodnight.