Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Can a Volvo Estate Jump Four Caravans? - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's
Top Gear, the lighter way
to enjoy an M3.

A bevy of old BMWs.

And we find the best
sports car in the world.

Good evening. Now,
those of you who were
watching last week

may remember that The
Stig attempted his most
daring stunt yet.

He went out to HMS Invincible
and attempted to reach

100 miles an hour
on the 200 metre runway.

Now, as you can see,
he went too fast.

He was unable to stop
and he careered into the sea.

Um, I should explain that
the ship was off the coast
of Portugal at the time.

The water there
is four miles deep.



Now, I guess some of you
will be expecting him
to walk through the door

with a comedy fish
in his helmet.

But I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

The Stig is dead.

And so, we've prepared
this little tribute

to the
easy-listening man
in black.

Looking fast.
Oh, that is very fast!

Good Stig!
Oh, nearly a tail slide, but he still cut the parallel.

Stoke up The Stig.

Up to a huge speed!

-HAMMOND:
And he crosses the line in...
-My car!

CLARKSON:
And to get it back,
you'll have to be a genius!

He's sideways! He's sideways!
He's lost it!

One of these days, he's gonna
kill himself and we're gonna
need a new Stig.



Very sad day.

But there's plenty more
where he came from.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
a very big hand please
for Top Gear'snew Stig!

Like the last one,
the dead one,

this one will be letting
his driving do the talking.

And he'll be doing
just that actually,
little later on, in this.

It's a new super-fast version
of the BMW M3.

And we had the devil's
own job thinking
where we could test it.

Then it struck us.
It was obvious,
the Isle of Man.

CLARKSON:
This is the CSL,

a tricksied up,
hunkered-down road
racer, that's come among
us,

shaved, spruced
and wearing a £58,000 suit.

So, why the Isle of Man then?

This little island,
in the middle
of the Irish Sea,

is most famous
for motorcycles,

but there's so much
more to it than that.

There are castles.
This one is home
to the Moddey Dhoo,

a huge dog
that terrifies
people to death.

Nigel Mansell
used to live here.

Rick Wakeman
and Norman Wisdom still do.

It's like Beverly Hills
with kippers.

There's tradition, too.
This place is home
to the first-ever waterwheel,

an old train, some cottages,

and the oldest parliament
in the world.

And now we're getting
to the nub of the
reason why I came,

the politics.

You see, the Queen
is the Head of State here,

but the Isle of Man
is not in the EU,

and Tony Blair
is not the prime minister.

Which means that
when you get out
of the villages,

there are no speed limits!

They haven't really heard
of the nanny state here.

And you're taxed at 10%.

And there's nothing
to stop me going round
this corner, like this!

This, then, is the ideal place to test the most hardcore
BMW ever made.

To save weight,
which is the killer
in any good car,

you don't get electric seats,

you don't get
air conditioning,
you don't even get a radio.

Think of it
as a BMW with bulimia.

I suspect if you brimmed
the tank right to the top,
it would find that an affront

to its weight-saving
programme, and would simply
vomit it all out again.

And the diet isn't limited
to the interior either.

The roof, as you can see,
is made from carbon fibre.

The rear window is made
from special thin glass.

The boot lid
is made from plastic

and the floor of the boot,
and I'm not joking, is made
from cardboard.

This car is as light
as a buttercup,

but under here,
you'll find the heart
of a medieval Manx dog.

You even look at that engine,
it'll kill you.

They've managed to
squeeze 355 brake
horsepower from a 3.2.

It's unbelievable!

And to show you how serious
BMW are with this car,
look at these tyres.

They're like
racing slicks!

You have to sign a disclaimer
before you buy a CSL

saying that you understand
that the tyres won't work

in the rain
or if it's a bit chilly.

What a car!

Of course, it isn't especially comfortable or quiet.

And you can't put
heavy shopping in the boot,

in case it falls
through the cardboard
floor.

And you can't use it
unless it's hot and sunny.

And if it is hot and sunny,
you'll melt,

because there's no
air conditioning.

And if rain is on the way,
you won't know.

Because you can't hear
the weather forecast,
because there's no radio.

Not the most practical car
in the world then.

But when you get out
of the villages,

and into the Isle of Man's
derestricted inner-centre,

it is just incredible!

Everything about this car
is 10 or 20% better
than I was expecting.

And I was expecting it
to be seriously good.

I mean, the acceleration
is just fabulously savage.

The balance of the
chassis on these tyres

mean that you get
so much g-force,

you feel like your
liver is going to let
go of its mountings

before the rear end
starts to slide.

And then there's the noise.
Can you hear that? Oh.

Oh-ho-ho!

Listen to that!
The noise is astonishing!

This car was made
for this place.

It was just made
for the Isle of Man.

It is a remarkable machine,

and as such,
it has a remarkable price tag

of nearly £60,000.

Of course, some say, it can't possibly be worth £20,000 more than the normal M3.

But this is not the first time BM have ripped out
all the equipment,

then jacked up the price.

Remember the old CSL,

the "Batmobile" that tore up
Europe's racetracks
in the '70s?

Well, those of you
with long memories

will remember they made
a road-going version of it.

I used to have one of these
few years ago.

I loved the '70s-ness of them.

The chrome wheel arches,

and, "Ooh,
let's make the stripes
a little bit brighter."

You've got them in
lime green and orange.

Look at those bucket seats.

And the wood on the dash
is exactly the same wood

that you used to get
on a Garrard 86SB turntable.

I used to have
one of those as well,
actually, come to think of it.

I fear I also
owned this record,

but that's not important
right now.

What is important
is that the old CSL

came out in the middle
of the 1973 Oil Crisis,

sporting a price tag
of £7,500.

That made this
lovely, little road
car,

with its lightweight panels and its stripped-out interior,

more expensive
than the most
expensive Aston
Martin.

On that basis, the new car
should cost £180,000.

So, at £60,000,
it's a bargain!

If I had to nitpick,
and, obviously, I do,

then I'd centre
on this area here.

I mean, this sport button,
which makes it more sporty.

"Why? Why isn't it
just more sporty
all the time?"

The button that turns
the traction control
off. Again, "Why?"

"Why isn't it off
all the time?"

Then there's this one here,
that adjusts the ferocity
of the flappy paddle gearbox.

Why couldn't they just
give me a manual?
It could be so much simpler.

Overall, though, I think
the CSL is magnificent.

Like the Isle of Man,
it's a thorn in the
side of the nanny state,

a wonky roof tile in the
Health and Safety Executive's
vision of perfect Britain.

It's BMW
at its absolute best!

The thing is, though,
I'm not sure that BMW,
at its absolute best,

is quite as good as Porsche
at its absolute best.

No, I know what you
mean. Perfect example,

the 911 GT3 Porsche
on the show last week.

They're very similar.
I mean, they're both
stripped-out, lightweight,

-essentially track
cars. -Mmm.

But the 911, it's a bit
more expensive, yeah.

But it's that bit
more powerful,
it's that bit faster.

It's just better, ultimately.

I agree.
But we'll find out
for sure now.

Time to warm up our new Stig.

CLARKSON:
So, wheel-spinning
off the line!

Now remember,
the tyres on this car

don't work properly
when it's cold or wet.

And it's a bit of
both out there today,

-so The Stig has really
got his work cut out.

Oh, no! No!

I thought we'd heard
the last of musical cheese

when the old Stig
drowned to death!

-Now, Chicago. CSL's looking awfully twitchy!-

Now, I should explain
new Stig likes music
from TV commercials.

You may know that as
Boccherini's Minuet,

he calls it the tune from
the Building Society ad.

He's sliding again
out of Hammerhead.

He's really having
to fight this car.

Ooh, that's quick.

Coming up now
to the last corner.

Old CSL, halfway
through, is two seconds
quicker than the normal
M3.

Coming up to Gambon!
We nearly did a Gambon!
And he's across the line.

-That was quick!
-That was very quick.

And can I just say,
it looks like

the newer, whiter,
brighter Stig

-is gonna be up to the job.
That was pretty good.
-Yeah.

I've got the time as
well. Now, bear in mind.

Bear in mind,
there's the standard M3.

In the dry, 1:31.8. Okay?

The GT3, we were
talking about,
in the wet, 1:27.

-That's the fastest wet lap
we'd ever had.
-Fastest.

Now, I'm gonna call that trap.

Bear in mind Stig did that
on the CSL's ludicrous tyres.

-The near-slick things? Okay.
-Near-slicks.

-In the damp, so we'll call
that a wet lap, okay?
-Okay.

-He did it in one
minute, 28 seconds.
-Ooh!

-Good grief!

-It goes there.
-That's...

One minute, twenty-eight.

-That's very, very quick.
I'm amazed. I mean...
-We've got ourselves

-a good little Stig there.
-Yeah.

-We were right about the...
-We were right about him,
we were right about the car.

Not quite as good as the GT3.

-But £15,000 cheaper.
-Yeah.

Right here is the news.

Now, if you were
watching last week,

you will remember
that we were asking,

"Have the Italians forgotten
how to style beautiful cars?"

We were looking
at a new Ferrari,

and Jeremy said,
rather crudely, I thought,

-that it had no arse.
-Mmm.

Well, now,
we have another one.

It's the Alfa Romeo
8C Competizione.

Look at the arse
on that, Jezza!

HAMMOND: Oh, it's a gorgeous
looking thing, that is.

CLARKSON: No, it's hideous.
HAMMOND: No, you're wrong.

-It's gorgeous.
-MAY: It's quite promising...

CLARKSON: That's a horrid.
It's horrid!
HAMMOND: It's beautiful.

-It's a
beautiful
looking thing.
-No, no!

Have we got that Alfa...
There's an old Alfa Romeo.

-What was it called?
The Brera.
-MAY: The Brera. Yes.

-Which is a concept
car... -I'm with Jeremy
on that.

CLARKSON: That!
MAY: That's better.

CLARKSON: That is what
the next Alfa Romeo
should look like.

It's not! Look at that.
It's got a hangover.

It's got hooded eyes there.
Mean and miserable.

That is good-looking.

And I will take no truck
and that's what the next
Alfa Romeo should look like.

Now, do you remember Lancia?

-Vaguely.
-Yes.

Vaguely? They pulled out
of Britain a few years ago.

They've made cars
like the Thema.

I've got the 8.32
version over here.

-That was the one with
the Ferrari engine.
Okay? -Yeah, I remember.

- Just hang
on there. Just down
here. -

I scoured the land for this.
But I've got one. Here we go.

-That is a Lancia Thema 8.32.

-That's a good one,
actually. Yeah.
-It's in good nick, this one.

It turns out that Lancia
is still in business.

And they've made a
car which is
phenomenally
good-looking!

Can we get it up?
Look at this.

That is a superb-looking car.

It weighs less than a tonne,
1.8 litre engine.

Goes like Stig.
Fantastic car!

The good thing about it
being so light, of
course, is being a Lancia,

every winter,
it'll get a bit lighter.

CLARKSON: It will. Yes.

Until, after three winters,
we can have one
on the table as well.

But it is beautiful there.
And I hope Lancia comes back
to Britain with that.

I really do.
I really, really do.

Has anyone come across
this 2580 service
on their mobile phone?

You know, you're
driving down the road,

a record comes on the radio.
"Oh, I really like this."

-And the DJ never,
they never tell you.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you dial 2580,
right down in the middle
of the mobile phone,

hold it against the speaker,

you get a text message
telling you what
you're listening to.

I even tested it on my record
collection the other day.

It didn't...
Not some of your stuff!

Camel, Snow Goose.
Got it in a jiffy.

I thought it'd switch
itself off.

Focus, Moving Waves.Got it.

Ooh! Simple devil had to
listen to that and look it up.

You've never heard of those,
have you?

I've heard of those records.
I've never heard
of this system.

-So you put your record on...

No, no, you put a record...
Well, you can put a record on.

Then you know what it is,
clearly,
'cause you've put it on.

-"I wonder what this is."
-"I wonder what this is."

I know, I'll ring
up and find out.

Oh, yeah, it says
so on the cover.

HAMMOND: No, James,
you've got confused again.

Anyway, look,
however it works

is irrelevant because
very soon you won't be
able to do it anyway.

Because of course,
December 1st, all that
telephone law starts off.

-Oh, yeah.
-You're not gonna be...

-And it's very
complicated from what I
can gather. -Yeah.

But, essentially,
you're not allowed...

Are you not allowed
to touch it?

-Or you can
press the button...
-No, no!

I've got it here.
In essence...

You know this is
happening on December 1st.

You won't be allowed to make
a mobile telephone call
while on the move.

But they've had to
be a bit careful.

-Because you are allowed
to use a hands-free
phone. -Yes.

But they say,

"It would be an
offence to hold a
mobile phone
in your hand

"or prop it between
your cheek and shoulder."

-Like that?
-Yeah. You can't do that.

You can do that?

Because if you just
had it on your ear
and not on your cheek.

Between your ear
and your forearm.

-I don't think
they've covered that.

You know,
the police don't even
want these rules.

The police said
they had enough powers

with driving without
due care and attention.

It's our meddlesome
government once again.

And they're going after
the wrong thing, anyway.

Because I don't think
phones are the big culprit.

I mean, I'll tell you
what's dangerous.

My car.

-Yes, I've been in your car.
-Yes.

Mostly because
at this time of year,
it doesn't demist.

-And you're
allowed to drive that?
-Glorious machine it is,

but the engine's at the back.
And I can't see
anything for hours!

I've to drive by
ear. Clunk, that's a
left. That's a
right.

Driving while you want a pee?

-That's lethal.
-Oh! That is lethal.

No, I'll tell you
what's really dangerous.

The Ginsters pasty.
Now, who's done this?

No, this is serious!

The Ginsters pasty is the most
dangerous thing in society.

You go into the petrol
station, you fill up.

You buy the Ginsters pasty,
you put it in
the little heater,

you come out to your car,
you strap yourself in,
you select first gear.

You unwrap the Ginsters pasty,
as you steer in first gear,

with your knees
to the slip road

that leads back
to the dual carriageway.

You look, it's
clear, you floor it.

-You bite the Ginsters pasty
and it's red hot.

And you fumble
with the Ginsters pasty.

You're still steering
with your knees,
you're still in first gear.

You're doing 18,000 revs
in 70 miles an hour.

Finally, you spit it
all over the dashboard,

move straight into
fifth and the cruise.

That's an idea,
but I do have a way around.

If we could just
conclude on this,
the mobile phone thing.

We do what we've been doing
for the last few years.

"Hang on a minute,
I'm just going to pass
the police car."

"It's okay,
he's gone now."

Because my favourite
is... They actually do
say in this legislation,

is that you're allowed
to press call answer,

but you're not
allowed to speak.

What's the point of that?

Why would you...

So they go,
"Hello? Hello? Hello?"

"I can't talk.
I can't talk to you."
Marvellous!

Would anybody like to have
a guess at what is the third
most stolen car in Britain?

I don't know,
some Beemer or other...

Beemer 3 Series is a good one.

Good guess.
You're all wrong.
It's the Vauxhall Nova.

Who in their right mind
would steal one of those?

Why would he... Exactly,
the lady here with a very
pertinent question. "Why?"

-HAMMOND: Yeah.
-If you're walking
down a street,

you're not gonna say,
"Oh, the BMW, the Subaru...

"The Nova! Mmm!
That's the one!"

I mean, it's free, isn't it?
When you're stealing,

-you don't have to pay...
-Think of all the things

you would do
with a stolen car.

-Yeah.
-Ram-raiding.

"I think not!

"Oh, damn, I've run into
this blade of grass
and it's disintegrated!"

-Joyriding.
Again, I think not.
-Well, where's the joy?

There's no joy to be had.
What else do you do with them?

-Shall I tell you why
the Nova is being
stolen? -Go on then.

It's economical.

It's easy to park,

has a very low loading
lip at the back for
putting shopping in the
boot.

It's rather easy
to get in and out of.
It doesn't use much fuel.

And it's got a very
low insurance group.

Which brings me
onto another point.

The second most
stolen car in Britain,
the Land Rover Discovery.

The sixth most
stolen car in Britain,
the Mitsubishi Shogun.

The eighth most stolen car,
the Daihatsu Fourtrak.

And the tenth most stolen car,
the Isuzu Trooper.

-For years. Yes.
-All 4x4s?

For years, the police
have been targeting youths

in hooded jackets
as car thieves.

They're all
grannies and
farmers.

-It is...

Farmers are stealing cars?

Stealing cars to go shopping
and ploughing.

All right, enough
of all of this. Okay?

Obviously,
we've all come back...

Well, a lot of people
come back from
their summer holidays

which have been
ruined by caravans.

Well, the good news is,
now, it's payback time.

HAMMOND: Every
summer they arrive,
ruining our roads

just so they can pull
up side by side with
their new best friends

and pee in a bucket.

You pick your caravan site,
slot your Tupperware
mansion into place,

inches from your neighbour,
unhitch the family car,

and set off to visit an abbey, a pottery,
an arts and crafts bungalow.

You know the stuff.

And there they are,
all parked up.

Magnificent sight.

Real fibreglass, that.

And seeing all those rows
of little hermetically-sealed
sandwich boxes lined up

gave us an idea.

While we've got 'em,
why not do something
useful with them?

So we've got the caravans.

We've got the perfect
caravan owner's car,

a Volvo 240 Estate.

And, we've got this!

A ramp.

I think you can probably see
where this is going.

We're going to jump this
over these using that.

And before you write in
to complain about
cruelty to caravans,

can I remind you,
this is a Volvo,
the caravan's friend.

And we're going to try
and miss them. Honest.

I think this is gonna work!
Probably.

-You can't stop it there!

Can. Did.

This is science
and we're gonna be
a bit scientific about this.

I want to see how many
caravans you reckon
the Volvo will clear.

So... Let's make this easy.

Who reckons the Volvo is just
gonna vault all of them,
undo the lot?

-One.
-One guy. Okay.

How many
do you reckon,
seriously, it's gonna
cover?

-Three. None. None.
-None. None. None.

That Volvo weighs 8,000
tons... I'm right, aren't I?

And it's doing
50 miles an hour.

It's not very aerodynamic.

I'll tell you now,
it's just gonna go, clunk.

It won't even reach
the first one.

Don't worry
because we will find out...

Later.

-Well, we will.
We'll do it later.

Now, earlier on,
we saw Jeremy driving this

absolutely outrageous
M3 CSL on the Isle of Man.

And back here at home,
this gave me
and Hammond an idea.

We thought,
"Well, what about
that car's bloodline?"

So we took these three
and we boarded a ferry

and we went
to the Isle of Man.

MAY: This is the M1,
BMW's first, and so far,
only mid-engined car.

Back in the 1970s,
BMW had the hump

because the Porsche
911,

was winning absolutely
everything in international
sports car racing.

And the Bavarians hate losing
almost as much as they like
brass band music.

So what they needed
was a proper bespoke
sports racing car.

Something that would
be a real feather
in their felt hats.

And they came up with this,
the BMW M1.

And it was a disaster.

First up,
it wasn't a real BMW.

Because it was a rush job,
they had to get Lamborghini

to do the design, engineering
and production work for them.

But Lamborghini went bust,

meaning BMW
had to start again,
with some other people.

But before they could do that,

they had to break
into Lamborghini

and take back
all the bodywork moulds,

otherwise the
receiver would have
sold them for scrap.

And that was just the start
of their problems.

For the M1 to qualify
as a racing car,

400 had to be
made and sold
to the general public.

But rather like that old
CSL we saw earlier, there
was a bit of a cost issue.

In 1979, in Britain,
the BMW M1 cost about £35,000,
which sounds very reasonable.

Until you discover
that the Ferrari 308 GTS
was less than 20 grand.

And here's
another thing. Look.

GRP, or plastic,
to you, on a BMW.

How much worse could it get?

Well, while the car
was being designed,

the rules for sports
racing cars were changed.

So, by the time it came out,
it wasn't competitive anyway.

What a farce.

The real tragedy, though,
is that this is a lovely car.

The engine was BMW's own,

a 3.5 litre straight-six
developing 277 horsepower.

Now, that doesn't
sound that much,

but it was also very light,
just 1,400 kilograms.

So, 161 miles per hour

and 0-60 in 5.8
seconds isn't half
bad.

This is a 25-year-old supercar

and, to be honest,
I expected it to be absolutely
dreadful, but it just isn't.

It's easy to drive
and it's actually
quite civilised.

Maybe it's more of a BMW
than we thought.

In fact, I'd say that the M1
enjoys the distinction

of being the world's
first truly
user-friendly,
mid-engined supercar.

But unfortunately,
it wasn't enough.

The M1 became a bit like
the toasted sandwich maker.

Everybody raved
about it for a bit,

but then chucked it
in the back of the cupboard
and forgot about it.

But it wasn't a complete
waste of time.

Because BMW's
engineers salvaged
a couple of useful bits.

The first was that M
badge from the boot lid.

And the other was the excellent race car-derived straight-six engine.

And they came together again
in something much
more practical.

HAMMOND: The M cars.

Probably the best
race-bred road cars
there have ever been.

The M3.

And the M5.

Now, this is an important car. The original super saloon.

Today, all the big
players make a four-door
Formula 1 car.

Jaguar's got the XKR,

Mercedes, the E55,
Audi, the RS6.

There's no end of sensible,
practical cars

that'll happily
rip your face off.

And we owe it all to the M5.

This is a 1988 Series 2,

my personal favourite.

It's bullet-proof

and a huge laugh,
0-60 in 5.9 seconds.

Top speed 155 miles an hour.

It's properly quick,
but at the same
time,
sophisticated,

and I mean sophisticated
by modern standards.

This is precisely
the sort of car

that makes me want to visit
the Isle of Man more often.

Whereas this makes me
want to live here!

The original M3.

Not just a great road car,

but the most successful
saloon car racer ever.

And that's why the M3
is simply, unbelievably good

on roads like these.

It's got proper
race-car-steering geometry.

I mean, it's quick.

0-60 in 6.7 seconds,

top speed about
143 miles an hour,
200 brake horsepower.

It's the way it
delivers that power.
Listen to it!

It's fantastic.

I don't want
to stop driving this.

So, the M1 was a cock-up.
But what a cock-up!

If we had more like
that, the world would be
a better place.

Isn't the Isle of
Man just amazing?

Why, it's fabulous.

It's like somebody's
gone out and designed

Top Gearfantasy island,

especially for us.

I was absolutely blown away
by those kippers.

-Yes.
-That's all he's been
talking about.

"There's no
speed limits here, James."
"Oh, what about the kippers."

I'd love another
kipper though.

I've never driven a car
that drives so
differently to the way it
looks.

'Cause that is not
a four-seater saloon.

It's a race car
with that body on top of it.
It's brilliant.

And on those roads,
it was just perfection.

Yeah, they're all great.

I do, I like the M cars.
And I like the Isle of Man.

Sadly, though,
my guest tonight,

I don't think he can
ever have gone there.

Because if he did,
he'd be birched.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Stephen
Fry.

Thank you very much.

-How are you?
-Fine, thank you.
Very good.

Take a seat.

-Have you been
to the Isle of Man?
-Yes.

You go to the airport,
you say, "I love man."

And they say,
"Not here, you don't."

-It is... I should explain...
-It is illegal to love man.

-In the "Isle of Man".
-It was illegal.

And you could be birched
for loving man there.

Yes, which is something
people pay a lot of money for
in London.

So it's like a free service.

It's a peculiar place,
isn't it? You've spent
much time there?

Yeah, I go there
quite a lot, actually.

Some of the laws
they have are fabulous.

Handguns,
for instance,
are legal there.

And you could be charged
with furious driving.

I'd love to have
that on my licence!

Furious driving!

Do you hanker after
that kind of freedom?

Well, I'm a sort of
leftie in a way,

but I cannot tell you the
overmastering hatred I feel,
the waves of disgust,

when there is that
frowning woman on the bicycle,

who looks at you as if
you are the symbol of all
capitalism and meat-eating,

and penis-owning...

You know, you are
the enemy of the people,

you are the enemy
of the planet,
you are globalisation,

you are capitalism
with a huge cigar,

just because you might have
slightly blown her off course
on her blasted bicycle.

You know that kind?

And yet...
And yet none of this is
kind of ringing true,

-because I know that
the car you drive
today... -Oh, dear.

-...it is a Saab.
-Yeah, right.

Now, do you know something,
you will never hear
anyone say,

"Look at that maniac
in that Saab."

That's true.

Saabs are the most
beautifully driven
cars on the roads.

We're gonna review
one, next week,

because I'm
fascinated to find
out

what happens to you
when you climb in a Saab
that suddenly you become...

It's peculiar,
you're quite right.

But I have to confess,
I am a speed merchant

and I have come so close
to losing my licence.

Almost exactly a year ago,

I was pootling along the M11
at 100 and...
Miles per hour.

And fortunately
they took an
average, which was
99.8.

An average from when
you got into the car?

Yes, quite,
from the centre of London.

It's a rare day I'm overtaken,
to be honest.

I don't know what it
is. It's pathetic.

It's either infantile,
or vanity,
or competitiveness,

or it is at best,
a low boredom threshold.

And so, you wanna keep
just being on edge all the
time, so that you're awake.

And you're of course
also famed for having
a London cab.

-Yes, yeah.
-Is that for use in London?

Surely, yes,
a purely practical decision.

I just thought
eventually, you know,
driving around London I
did,

I'd given up having
a trail bike.

You on a motor bike?

Yes, I know.
It used to turn wobbly...

That's something...
I would have paid
to watch that.

I had a cousin who was
a surgeon in New York

in the Casualty
or Trauma Department,
as they call it.

And I was in a plane
and we met afterwards
at a restaurant.

He saw me checking-in
my skidlid and he said,

-"I didn't know
you rode a bike."
-I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Do you know
what we call motor bike riders
in the Trauma Department,

-"in the Roosevelt Hospital?"
-I said, "No."

"Donors."

It's a bad sign, I thought.
Then, weirdly, a week later,

I'm seeing to a friend of mine
who had an aunt

who'd gone into
Moorfields Hospital for one
of those cataract operations.

And the doctor
came in rubbing his
hands and said,

"Well, now, Mrs Smith,"
he said, "I'm sure it's all
been explained to you.

"We cut out that
cloudy old cataract

"and we sew in a nice, new,
fresh, sparkly donor lens.

"Unfortunately, we
don't have any donor
lenses at the moment."

And he went to the window
and said, "but it's raining,
so it shouldn't be too long."

And he really meant it.

Anyway, that stopped
me from riding a
motorbike, eventually.

-That and being
banned. -So why a
cab?

Well, I just thought it's...
The bike would be a great way
of getting into town

to do voiceovers
and the things in the centre
of the town, quickly.

And I thought a car...
I've got to have a car now,
all right.

I wasn't near a tube station
and a cab seemed ridiculous.

Then I thought,
"My own cab,
on the other hand..."

Not that I would admit to
using bus lanes in public,

'cause it's illegal
if you're not
a licensed cabbie.

But let's face it,
they do exist, bus lanes.

-And you can drive in
them if you have a cab.
-If you have a cab.

Who's gonna check
the registration plate.

And the other cabs let you in.

You know,
cab-eraderie, I call
it.

And most cars, you
know, you just stick
your hand out of
the window

and you move out into traffic.
I mean that's the real gain.

But it's strange,
because most of the
people I know
who speak Latin

find cars really rather
trivial and infantile.

Yes... I think...
I mean, as a generalisation,
I suppose you're right

that this tweed does
not bespeak someone
who loves cars.

People often say to me,
"Stephen, you were born in
the wrong age, weren't you?"

You would have loved
to be in a high
Victorian or a Regency
dandy

or an Elizabethian
or something, and it's
absolute nonsense.

I mean, I think, to live
at the summation of human
achievement in everything

from computing to the internal
combustion engine
is a wonderful thing,

because we've got
the past age, you can imagine
if you're a Victorian.

But if you're a Victorian,
you couldn't imagine
you lived in the 1970s.

You couldn't imagine
you lived in the 1990s.

And the beauty of it is,
we are at the absolute peak
of everything.

As we speak, this
minute is the most
modern minute that
ever happened.

But then you say that,
we are speaking,
what, just a week or so after

-we went over it
in terms of
aviation. -You're
right.

That is one of the
rarest events. Whoever
thought this would
happen?

I mean, there are few things
like that we've crested and
suddenly we're going backwards

and that's a very rare event
in recent history.

I can't think of another time
since the Romans left in 410.

-Yeah, that's
right. -1600 years.

We abandoned the virtues
of the lavatory for 700 years.
That's extraordinary.

-It is.
-Pooed out of the window.

'Cause you had
a big car collection,
didn't you, at one point?

Yes, I had eight or nine
entirely British cars.

Which again seems
to sound very tweedy.
They were odd things, like...

I had a Wolseley 15/50,

which is that sort of
police car, the one with
the badge that lights up,

in the straight little visor.

And an MG Magnette,
one of those Pininfarina ones,
you know.

And an Austin Healey 100-6,

which is a gorgeous car,
ice blue over ivory.

To me, it does sound like
you're sort of hankering back
to those days.

You claim to be a modern man
but in actual fact...

It's true.
The B road, you know,
it's that sort of thing.

You know,
Midhurst, and
southern counties
of England,

going around the B
roads like the avengers
or something.

There is a real pleasure,
a real joy in motoring there.

And of course, you do have
a taste of that because
you live in Norfolk!

Yes, yes, you've written well
and turgidly about Norfolk...
Not turgidly exactly.

Well, it was just that,
that time the first... Not the
first time I went there,

but I can remember
not that long ago,
driving along a main road,

filled it with petrol
and I gave the bloke in
the cash point my credit card,

he just put it in the till!

"No, no. No, no,
you're supposed
to swipe it."

This is...

This is the home of
Lotus. It's an advanced
sophisticated county.

Now, you see,
that was a bad example.

All right.

No, it's a mysterious county.

You go to a beautiful
old-world village
with a, sort of,

mullion-windowed rectory
with ivy over it
and the squire's house

and the beautiful old church.

And then a sign saying,
"Hot-rodding".

-You know,
it's that sort of a
thing. -Tractor pull!

And they imagine themselves
rather tragically to be
good old boys.

They have these rotting
Mustangs with confederate
stars on the bonnet,

rather hoping there's gonna be
some tobacco-chewing sheriff
on their ass any minute!

They imagine
they're in Alabama,

and it's tragic,
'cause they're not,
they're in Norfolk.

No one is gonna say...

Telling the police,
"I've got some moonshine
in the boot," it's fine!

"No, it's moonshine,
I made it myself
out of potatoes!"

What I'm most
interested in, though,
is how you got on?

-Oh, hell!
-In the Suzuki Liana.
How was it out there?

I have to say that I had fun.

And I seemed to myself
to be going faster
than I usually do,

but for all I know,
I did it in four minutes!
You just don't know,

because your mind's in
a whirl... It's a totally
different way of doing things.

How would you like
to do on this?

I'd like to be above
Alan Davies, I have to say.

Alan Davies, your
co-conspirator on QI.

So this is really your target,
1:54 on a mildly damp track.

What was the track
like out there?

It was... I'd like you to put
something like "slightly
moist", or you know...

Because it's you,
slightly moist. But let's see
how you got on.

What did you
think of the
car?

-FRY: Angel. Joyous to drive.
-Absolutely.

Look at him,
doesn't he look a dick!

Really!

CLARKSON: Now,
that's the hardest
corner on the track...

Let's accelerate
out of these things...

I see, it is, you're right,
that is mildly moist.
Into the Hammerhead,

and this one, as you flick
it in, and then it always runs
wide, which it has done.

Yes. Nearly into the
cameraman! That would
have been on the news.

Oops!

-Ooh, that looked good.
-That's a lovely sky.

That's a beautiful sky.

In, and we've got
Gambon, where he nearly
rolled it over.

Nearly killed Dumbledore
before he ever was.

Whoa!

Well...

-S. Fry...
-Oh.

So, I think we're all
in agreement, that was
mildly moist, the track.

So, we'll say it's the same
as Davies' one, okay,
mildly moist...

And you did it.
You want 1:54 to beat...

In one minute...

-Fifty-four
seconds, ladies
and gentlemen.
-Oh, no!

Oh, well!

That is really interesting.

That's far and away
the most common time,
isn't it?

1.54 in the rain
is the most common...

-What we say is,
if it were to be
dry... -Yeah.

...you would take
four seconds off that.

So, you would be in the 1:50
or maybe mildly down,

probably only three seconds,
so you're slower than me,
that's most important.

-It's been absolutely fabulous
having you here.
-As it has for me.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Stephen Fry!
-Thank you very much.

Right. Right.

Back to the caravans.

Now, earlier on in the show,
we saw as the
Volvo 240 Estate,

the caravan's
friend, remember,

mounted the ramp,
and was about
to clear the caravans

and then we stopped the tape
and we all had a guess.

The general consensus
of opinion is that

the Volvo is either gonna
clear all of the caravans

or kind of drop
miserably off the ramp.

Good news is, now we find out.

HAMMOND: So, we've lined up
our caravans in the
accepted manner,

allowing the regulation,
12 inches of air space
in between each one.

And here's our
Volvo 240 Estate,
the GL model.

VOICE ON RADIO:
Three, two, one, go!

And he's off!

Now, I should remind you,
the national speed limit
when you turn your caravan

is of course, 50 miles an hour
and we will be
sticking to that.

We like a laugh,
as much as the next person,

but that doesn't mean
you have to be reckless.

Well done!

Wow!

That was art! That is
art! In fact, who wants
to see it again?

-ALL: Yes!
-Go on then.

Oh, dear, so I was
wrong! I was wrong!

I didn't think it would
clear any of them
and it was actually 2.1.

But anyway, let's get on to
some of our viewers' letters.

Now, you may
remember, last week,

we discovered that
if you hold your car's remote
control central locking device

against your head,
it doubles its range, okay.

-Now we
didn't
understand that.
-No.

There was a girl
in the audience, last week,
who was a scientist

and she said
it had to do with
the fillings in your teeth.

-Yeah, but we tested
that. -We did.

-Our producer deigned
to come in to work one day...
-Which is nice.

...and he has no fillings
in his teeth and
it worked for him.

So, it isn't that.

Loads of people have written
to us and all we've been
able to discover

is that no
scientists watch Top
Gear.

No, that much is clear.

Not one.
There's a chap here who says,

"The reason is, 'cause
your body acts like
a grounding plane."

Which sounds good.
It sounds like a
plausible explanation,

but then you read on
and he's got a GSX-R1000...

I've got one of
those! It's
brilliant!

He's a biker, sound fellow,
I believe him.

Lots of people think
it is your body that does it.

A guy here, Craig from Bromley
reckons it's because
your body has iron in it.

Well, it does, but a tiny bit!

I have no iron in my body.

I am pure fat.

-All the way through?
-Yeah, I'm just fat.

From here down...
Well, fat and hair.

-What I say is,
it's nice to be consistent.
-I am, yeah.

There's a chap here called
"zmcan" at America Online.

And he says, human
bones are a great
amplifier of radio
waves

and it's something to
do with your elbows.

We had loads that were
to do with bits of your body
doing this,

so, we have one guy
who reckons it's your
ears working as radar.

-Which I quite like.

Another one,
not sure about this, saying,
"it's your nasal cavities."

Apparently, they are
as big as an acoustic guitar
or something.

-Which they're not, are they?
-His...

HAMMOND: Close, but it's not.

I'm looking at you and
I'm thinking he's got
a big schnauzer,

but it's nowhere near
an acoustic guitar.

That ain't no guitar, no.

You know I'm not gonna see him
and go, "That bloke's got
a guitar on his face."

HAMMOND: "For a nose."
No, you're not.
CLARKSON: It's rubbish.

What they're basically saying,
I think what the audience
is saying here is that,

if you were to build
a creature
that had my bone structure

with, sort of,
enormous elbows and
Martin Clunes' ears...

Looking good.

-...and Danniella Westbrook's
nose...
-Nice touch.

...you could set off
some nuclear
missiles in
North Korea

from your house
in Birmingham.

Yeah! Perfect!

Another sequence of letters
that we've had this week
is from children

who are ashamed, frankly,
of the cars that they're being
taken to school in.

There's a chap here,
George Howard,
he's 14 years old.

He says, his father
takes him to school
in a 1992 white Fiat Panda.

-HAMMOND: Oh, no, that's
cruel, that's not right.

He actually says, "God has not
answered my request for help.

"No matter how
much I ask him."

He says, "I am so desperate,
I even tried sacrificing
a small goat."

See, it's having an effect...
This is serious!

This has a deep
sociological effect.

It's a short trip from
being dropped off
in a rubbish car at school

to be kicking down the door
of your bedsit and finding
a head in your fridge.

-There will be.
-You know, it's...

So, listen, kids, I know
there's a lot of discussion
in the newspapers and on TV

about the school run,
what it should be done in.

It's what type of car.
That's what matters.

If you're ashamed
by your parents' car, then
write to us, we'll shame them!

So, George Howard
of... Where's he from?

-The Internet.

George Howard
from the Internet,

Mr and Mrs Howard,
sell the Panda!

Doesn't have to be expensive,
or a Ferrari, just not rubbish
and embarrassing!

-Exactly.
-They'll have a nice...

Can I just say... Obviously,
we had a lot of mail
about The Stig.

Odd one here from
Steve Rowland,

"We have a cat called Stig.

"So, can you please
change the name of your
racing driver,

"to something other than Stig,

"because every time
your programme runs
his sleep is disturbed

-"when you mention
The Stig's name."

Actually, come to think of it,
Stig!

See those slippers?
Pee in them!

Tell you one thing that's
really, really got us going
this week.

You know how,
kind of, young men...
Let's call them that.

It tends not to
happen with women.

Have taken to fitting
enormous exhaust pipes
on the back of their car.

-Have you seen this
trend? -Yeah.

Well, we were sent
a fantastic
photograph this
week,

and they're always on very
inappropriate cars, but
check this one out, okay.

-Citroen!
-HAMMOND: Whoa! What's that?

Now, at first we suspected
that perhaps he had an organ
on the back seat

and he went around
playing ecclesiastical
music of some sort.

But no! I don't think so.

I think it'll be
the Black Eyed Peas
coming out of the doors,

-and those really are
exhausts!
-How is that nine on there?

CLARKSON: Nine exhaust pipes.

We were thinking
no one will ever
be able to top that.

And then somebody sent
us this photograph.

-HAMMOND: What is it?

If you were following that,
you would think,
am I behind Sellafield?

HAMMOND: Yeah.
I'd get out of the way.

CLARKSON: It's like
a military brass band!

-Who'd like to see the
car it's attached to?
-Yes!

-CLARKSON: Yep.

It's a 1.6 litre Toyota MR2.

Now, that was kind of
heading the list,
and then yesterday...

From, I think it's America...
Check this one out.

-HAMMOND: Look at
that! -

One day somebody
is gonna drive up
that thing

and they'll get
a big surprise.

So, listen, if you've got

a really stupid exhaust
on your car, write to us at...

"I've-inadvertently-reversed-
into-a-cooling-tower-
@BBC.London.England..."

-...somewhere or the other...
-Wherever.

Now, while we were on
the Isle of Man,

and we were there
for a very long time,

a bit of an
argument brewed
up.

James reckoned that the best
sports car you can buy
is the Porsche Boxster.

Obviously,
I had to show him
the error of his ways.

Now, I love Porsche.
I've got one,

which makes it all the more
significant when I say this...

You can shove the Boxster.
I'd rather have the Z4.

It's a man's car.

It feels like
a proper roadster.

You sit low down,
and right at the back,
almost over the rear wheels

and the big bonnet stretching
ahead of you.

I don't care what you wanna
read into that,
it feels great.

-And best of all,
listen to that!

Straight six, three
litre, that is a proper
sports car's engine!

-Listen to that!

This is a modern take
on a proper
old-school Roadster.

And I love it!

MAY: Rubbish!
What you want is a Boxster.

Some of you will be saying,
"That's a soft Porsche

"for people
who can't handle a 911,"
but that's rubbish as well,

because what this is,
is what the 911 was,

before it was turned
into Liberace's boudoir.

It's a proper sports car.

Because the Z4
is a modern car,

it does all the
usual kind of stuff.

But it's that bit
more sophisticated.

Things like the electric roof,

ten seconds from
fully up to fully down.

And that makes it
the fastest electric
roof in production.

Fantastic.
Just don't catch
your tie in it!

And then there's the looks,
I love them.

I think BMW have got this
challenging thing going on
at the moment.

And yes, at first glance
it's, "Ooh!"

But you get used to
it and then you
realise, they're
right.

-It looks superb.

Obviously, driving
a convertible yellow Porsche

raises certain
sociological issues.
I mean,

some people are gonna
look at me, I know, and
think I'm a merchant banker.

But I'm not sure I'm terribly
interested in all this brand
attributes stuff.

This is a great car,
that's what matters.

For all I care, you can take
the Porsche badges off and
stick some Hyundai ones on.

Do you know what,
the more time I spend with it,

the more sure I am
I have picked the right car.

-You haven't. You
haven't. -I have.

The Porsche is a
more honest sports
car than that BMW.

-Honest?
-Absolutely.

CLARKSON:
You've got the wrong cars!

Can you hear?
You've got the wrong cars.

Oh, God.

I've got the right
one up here. Here.

I thought he'd gone home.

Welcome to the superb
Honda S2000.

Let me give you
the simple facts.

This car is £5,000
cheaper than the BMW

and £6,000 cheaper
than the Porsche.

And which is the
most powerful?

- -This
one.

This one is.

The two litre, VTEC engine
in this is astonishing.

At 6000 RPM in the other cars
you have to change gears,

but in this there's
3000 RPM still to go.

9,000 into third.

That's what I call an engine!

And this is
legal.

But the power
and the excitement is
only a part of the equation.

The other bit is reliability.

In the last 13 years

Honda has made
15 million VTEC systems,

and they have never,
not once,
had a single failure!

So, it's powerful, extraordinary value for money,

and more reliable than
a wood burning stove.

The Porsche and the BMW,
they've got great badges,

but this, this is the essence
of sports car motoring.

Pure and simple.

And what was it that Richard
was saying about the Z4

having the fastest roof
in the world?

3, 2, 1, go!

-Yes! Yes! Yes!
-No!

-Loser!
-It said in the book!

Don't believe the Germans!

-Who cares how fast
your roof is, anyway?
-You cared.

You cared, you went,
"Oh, I've got the
fastest automatic,

"electric roof in the world."
And now it turns out,
you haven't.

Oh, your lawnmower then?

Was just gonna push
my starter button.
Have you got one of those?

-Odd rattling sound.

CLARKSON: That night
I met up with the
others at our house,

to explain why
they were so wrong.

Your car is American,
it doesn't work here.

It rides like a Corvette.

I have to say I'm with you
on the ride in the BMW.

CLARKSON: The ride,
it is atrocious, isn't it?

It's exactly what
we were after, isn't it?

Look, it's a physical
experience, driving that car.

For a physical
experience, the Honda is
the one that fits...

Are we agreed the Honda
is considerably
the cheapest here?

It needs to be
the cheapest.

It's £5,000 less than yours
and £6,000 less than yours...

-Fair enough.
-...and it's more powerful.

The reason the Porsche,
I think, is the best car is,

you know,
when you drive some cars,

you get a sense
that the car is smiling
when you're driving.

What on Earth are
you talking about?

Jean-Paul Sartre.
Is the beer happy, now?

Oh, what's this
bulge in my pocket?

It's the £6,000
I've saved by buying a Honda
rather than your Porsche.

-£6,000.
-It's worth £6,000 less!

-Why don't you save £20 grand
and buy a Micra?
-Precisely.

-No, no, no!
Because... -Because
it's not the better
car.

CLARKSON: The next day we all drove each other's cars

to see if we
could reach an
agreement
that way.

Thing is, I've never spoken
to a Boxster owner, ever,

without them starting
to talk about why they
haven't got a 911.

There's only one
reason you buy a
Boxster. One...

'Cause you can't afford a 911.
That's it!

MAY: There are a few
things I don't like
about this pink car.

It's got too many gears, six,
not enough cylinders, four,

and it does too
many revs, 9,000.

So listen...

-It's harsh.

CLARKSON: This ride is
totally unacceptable.

Absolutely unacceptable.

It's an American car.
That's why the ride's so hard.

'Cause, hey, it's sporty.

And sporty got no suspension,
it's sporty.

CLARKSON: That night
we all met up at the pub

to see what
we'd all found out.

How many gears
did your car have?

That'll be six, Jeremy.

How many did my car
have? Do you remember?

I'm thinking it was probably
six again, it was six.

Five, because it has
better mid-range.

Five! Five!

Because it's old-fashioned.
Old-fashioned!

CLARKSON: I'm afraid it was
like trying to sort out
the Middle East.

Nowhere near as important,
obviously,
but just as impossible.

Cheers. Welcome, six-gear man.

You're such a pair
of wittering Nancy Boys.

I can't believe
it. Six gears.

Now I should explain,

we didn't drive home from
the pub, we had our butlers
take us home instead.

And still the debate raged.

Richard for instance,
and this is marvellous,

actually said he liked
the ruched leather work
in the doors of
the BMW.

-That's rubbish,
it's not ruched.
-CLARKSON: It is ruched!

It's slightly rippled a bit.

You said you thought
that had a simple engine.

Have you seen
the cutaway diagram?

All right. Stop! The one thing
that we did agreed on, okay,
the one thing we agreed on

was this would be settled
on our track by fresh Stig.

So, we sent him out
there. Fastest lap wins.

First up the Porsche.
And is it facing
the right way, James?

MAY: Oh, yes it is.
And it will be
all the way around

thanks to that perfect
weight distribution.
First corner there...

Look at that
balance! That's
lovely.

HAMMOND: I tell you what
you can't actually see there

and that's the steering wheel. It's like that on a ship.

MAY: This bit's gonna decide

whether you've got
bad over-steer
in a front-drive car

and it's not gonna do that
because this has got
the engine in the middle.

It's gonna be fantastic.
Your cars are gonna make
a complete hash of this.

Look at that!
Come on you, Stig!

CLARKSON: That's a bit wobbly.
MAY: No, it's not!

CLARKSON: Now
through the
Follow-Through.

It's so boring
I'm falling asleep.

HAMMOND: Has he spun it?
Uh-oh.

-MAY: Look at that!
That is clearly victorious.

Absolutely beautiful,
Stig, fabulous final corner,
right across the line.

Massive speed.

MAY: Oh, look,
a plastic surgeon's car!

HAMMOND: And now,
look at that!

-Listen to this.

A proper, straight six,
massive speed already.

Must be doing about 350
into the first corner there.

Fabulous!

CLARKSON: Of course,
with its miserable
55 litre fuel tank,

it'll have a job reaching
the end of the lap... Oh,
and nearly losing it there.

HAMMOND: It doesn't
actually need much fuel
at the rate it's going,

it'll be round in seconds.

MAY: This American car,

more cup holders
than cornering, I
reckon, look
at that.

HAMMOND: Here we go.
Look, he held it,
it's balanced.

-It's poised.
-MAY: It's slithering about!

HAMMOND:
Last couple of
corners, look at that.

It's inspiring,
I might cry actually.

Gambon corner there.
Sounds great.
Across the line!

Oh, dear, look what
we have next, the Amstrad 2000. Off it goes.

CLARKSON:
Or the foregone conclusion,
as I like to call it.

MAY: Stig probably baffled
by the flashy lights
all over the dashboard.

CLARKSON: That's a clear,
concise dashboard,
if you ask me.

And anyway, if you think
about it all proper race cars
have digital readouts.

The only thing
baffling The Stig, in fact,

is the power of this thing
after the other two.

HAMMOND: Or that annoying
screaming noise
from the front end.

-That engine is ridiculous.
-CLARKSON: That is precision
engineering at its best.

The Stig plainly loving it.
He just loves it.
Look, you can see.

MAY: He's not sure
whether he's driving
or in a branch at Dixons.

CLARKSON: He's just amazed by the speed.

Through Gambon.
Here he is. Look at that.

Little bit of a twitch,
but he held it
and across the line!

Now, genuinely we
have absolutely no
idea at this stage

which one of the cars
has won it.

So, we need someone
from the audience.
You're nearest.

Could you just come
and help us out here.

Could you please reveal
for us now, the time
done by the BMW Z4?

HAMMOND: Gotta be good.

-MAY: 1:37.
-It's a good solid time.

-It was not good
weather. -That's awful
time.

Okay, and now,
the Porsche Boxster.
1:37.3 to beat.

-1:37!
-Yes!

You're in the lead
at the moment.

You're already out of
it as I predicted.

-Probably ran out of fuel.

Okay, here we go.

The Honda S2000. 1:37 to beat.

HAMMOND: The ridiculous Honda.

MAY: Yes!

Unfortunately, that's
all we've got time for.

That's all we've got time for
this week.

I'm very sorry, but that's it.

No gloating.