Top Gear (2002–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Celebrating 40 Years of the Porsche 911 - full transcript
Jeremy goes to Detroit to review the Ford GT. Back in the studio, the team take a look at the Ford Visos concept car. Jeremy takes the Volkswagen Lupo turbo diesel on a lap of the M25 in convoy with a petrol-powered Lupo. EastEnde...
MAN: Mission aim.
Grand slam the red
for no loss.
There's only one opposition
today, so probably have
time we have to kill.
We will have
a wild card in there
just to keep us amused.
Training. We're gonna
have to make sure we target...
Any questions?
CLARKSON:
On today's Top Gear,
we'll be looking
at the new 5 Series BMW,
the epic Ford GT,
and Porsche's fearsome GT3.
Hello! Now, when we were
putting this new type of
Top Gear together,
we made a decision.
We would not squander
the licence fee payers'
money on air fares
jetting off to the other side
of the world to drive cars.
We would wait for them
to come to us.
This was a hard and fast rule,
and it would never be broken.
I've come to Detroit,
which in my defence
is not exactly St Tropez.
God may have created
the world in six days,
but while he was resting
on the seventh,
Beelzebub popped up
and did this place.
Back in the '60s,
Detroit was the home
of Motown and Motor City.
But the riots of '67
left it a deserted
and shattered shell.
So, I haven't come here
for a holiday.
I've come here
for something even better.
This is the new Ford GT.
It's the first
proper supercar
ever made in America.
It was built to celebrate
Ford's 100th birthday.
But there's a lot more
to it than that.
Over the years,
there have been
a couple of attempts
to try and rekindle
the GT40 magic.
There was the GT70,
which I bought.
Here it is. Look.
Doors open and everything.
Fantastic!
And then, in 1995,
there was the GT90.
I actually drove this,
and it was horrid.
Had a top speed of 40,
and it handled like
it was in a cartoon.
Ford realised that
the only way forwards
was to go backwards.
This is the result.
It looks almost identical
to the old GT40,
although because this one
was built in America,
it is bigger than the one
built in Britain.
Longer, wider and taller.
But still
just as good-looking.
This car shows
that the desolate and
smashed city of Detroit,
one of the most dangerous
places on earth,
is not quite dead.
It's still coughing up
blood and guts.
Don't think, however,
that this is just some
evolutionary throwback.
Ford wanted it to be much more
than a pretty face.
They wanted it to handle
like a Lotus Elise,
sound like a Honda NSX,
shock like
a Lamborghini Diablo
and go like a Ferrari 360.
Now, on that last front,
the speed thing,
I think they may have
overdone it.
Oh...
You see, it offers up
500 brake horsepower,
and that's 100 more
than you get from a 360,
and you get twice the torque
over twice the rev range.
So, with its top speed
of 200 miles an hour,
this thing once again
will blow Ferrari
into the middle of next week.
Obviously, you don't
get the sense
that the engine was made
by craftsmen using techniques
passed from father to son
over the generations
because of course, it wasn't.
Actually, the 5.4-litre
super-charged V8 is lifted
out of one of Ford's
pick-up trucks.
This then
is a blue-collar car
with a blue-collar punch.
It's a working-class hero.
Let's go hunting
for aristocrats,
shout them to death.
Of course, Americans have
never had a problem
making stuff go fast
in a straight line.
The space shuttle,
the Corvette, the Boeing 747
and so on.
But they have never,
and I've checked this out
with all the experts,
they've never made a car
that can go round
corners properly
until now.
The ride comfort's
a bit shabby,
but as far as handling
and grip are concerned,
it is epic!
So, it goes fast,
handles well,
looks astonishing
and we haven't even got
to the second best thing
about it yet.
The clutch is so light,
even someone from a Lowry
painting could press it.
The steering's light,
the gearbox is light,
I've got air-conditioning,
I've got a stereo.
I've got electric windows,
I've got central locking,
and yet, none of the essence
of the GT40 has been lost.
Look at these
doors for instance.
They still cut into the roof.
And like on the old car,
you can see the engine
through the back window.
Mind you,
not as well as if you...
Open up the clam shell.
Oh, look at that.
Look at it!
Makes me feel six years old
all over again.
In fact,
I think I've just wet myself.
Amazingly, then,
Ford seems to have done it.
The GT does handle
like a Lotus,
it does shock like a Lambo
and it goes harder and faster
than a Ferrari.
And now, we get
to the best thing about it.
It's priced like a Ford.
Even though it'll only be
built in tiny numbers,
it's going to be less
than £100,000.
That's £8,000 less
than the Ferrari
and £17,000 less
than the Lamborghini Gallardo.
I love this thing.
I love it even more than
I thought I was going to.
Feel that power.
I love it mostly, though,
because it takes you
back to a time
when Detroit was humming
to the petrol-head rhythm
of the Motown sound.
A time when The Temptations
provided the descant and
the factories were on bass,
a time when the street echoed
to the sound of dancing
and the roar
of last chance heroes
in their V8 muscle cars,
racing between the lights.
I have always wanted
to do this.
Was that legal, sir?
Well, I don't know.
The thing was,
is when we said
we were gonna film
in the middle of Detroit,
which is kind of
even more dangerous
than Birmingham,
we got four police patrol cars
to follow us everywhere,
and I did that charging
off 120 miles an hour
right through the city centre,
got back,
expecting them to say,
"Have you been smoking?"
-And they were
just sitting
in their patrol cars,
eating doughnuts!
Couldn't give a damn!
-Now, this is an original,
which is really a British car.
-Yeah.
That is an all-American
supercar.
-No.
-That's not an
all-American supercar.
No. You're absolutely right.
They say this is
an all-American car.
It isn't.
In fact, the steering comes
from an Aston Martin Vanquish,
the brakes are Italian.
Couple of guys from Lotus
did the suspension.
The body's British.
It's not American at all.
Yeah, but these
are technicalities.
We're talking about
the nation that won
the Battle of Britain.
Absolutely.
Ben Affleck did that
on his own.
-And they rescued Europe
from Sir Winston Hitler.
They did. And what made it
particularly good,
was when I was
driving around Detroit
in that thing,
everyone you see,
all four of them, they're,
"Hey, nice Ferrari."
everyone you see,
all four of them, they're,
"Hey, nice Ferrari."
-Every single one of them.
-Every single one of them.
Now, just tell me,
can I go and buy this
from a Ford dealer in Britain?
-Not this. This is an old one.
These are about £350,000.
-This is the old one.
But you can walk
into a dealer in Barnsley,
tomorrow, slap down
your £90,000, 100,000,
whatever it's gonna cost,
and you can buy
one of those things.
-Would you?
-Yeah.
-In Barnsley?
-Yeah... It'll be
even more fun.
Actually, if I do
decide to get one,
and I'm sort of...
I will buy it from Barnsley.
Whoever the dealer
is in Barnsley,
-I'm on my way, probably.
Here's another new Ford.
It's called the Visos,
and look at this shape.
Very cutting edge,
and then the interior...
Wow! And those dials!
They're all spangly,
clever up-to-the-minute
computer stuff.
And there's no mirrors. Look.
Cameras instead. Hiya!
It's a modern car, no doubt,
but look a bit more closely.
And look.
There's these grills
on the flank,
and then,
the shape of this window.
Now, you can't fool me.
If Ford ever actually
make this car for real,
this is the new Capri,
no doubt about it.
Tell you what, though. You
know, in the olden days, when
people actually had Capris,
they always had the bonnet up
on a Saturday, tinkering
around with the engine.
-Fettling.
-Exactly!
Well, nowadays,
-people always fiddle around
with computers...
-Yeah.
...so what this has got,
which is amazing.
Well, if they ever get round
to putting a bonnet in it,
which they haven't,
at the moment,
it'll have a...
-Plug... Port.
-Plug... Port thing.
You put your laptop in it,
and you'll be able to
adjust, like, the rev limiter
and the suspension settings,
and everything.
But it goes further than that.
It's very clever,
because once you got
your laptop plugged in,
you can then log on
to the internet,
and you can actually
download specifications
and settings direct from Ford.
And better than that, even,
you can then exchange
data with your mates
and their Visos.
So, if you got one,
I could set the rev limit
at, like, 1500rpm,
-have the headlamps flash
every time we went above 10.
Not quite what
they meant there, really!
Or even better,
if you get stuck behind
one on the road,
what you could do is dial up
its computer from your laptop,
Bluetooth, mobile phone,
speed him up a bit!
-About 150.
And then, just apply
one of the rear brakes.
HAMMOND: Yeah,
and that is just stupid.
It's stupid.
Let's do the news.
Now, as this is the only
programme on television that
doesn't feature Jonathan Ross,
we thought we'd try
and work him in
by apologising to him.
In the last series, we said
that Mr Ross had spent
millions of pounds
on a number plate
that spelt "Ross".
However, our source
for this story was
the Sunday Express,
and it's not true.
So, Jonathan, we're sorry.
We would like
to formally retract
any suggestion
that you are a big dandy
with more money
than taste.
Well done. Let's get on
our way now. News.
Um...
There's a new Golf that
happened while we were away
having our summer holidays.
There it is.
We'd love to
tell you what it's like,
but we can't,
because we went
one mile down the road in it,
and the clutch went.
I've got one
I'd like to get over with
very quickly, all right?
We've charted the gradual
sliding downhill of Jaguar.
Last series, we spoke
about the diesel.
Now, it's got
an awful lot worse.
-The new X-Type Estate.
-This an Estate Jaguar
front-wheel drive.
-What's the matter?
MAY: That's dreadful.
HAMMOND: Well, it's
an awful idea, Jeremy.
-Look at that.
-CLARKSON: Well,
if you have a dog...
-Now you can have
a dog and a cat.
-MAY: Oh!
-I just don't see
what's wrong with it.
-It looks like a Mondeo.
-It's terribly depressing.
-It is a Mondeo.
-What have you got?
-Stagecoach.
These are the bus operators.
They've come up with
something remarkable.
It's a 94-seater
double-decker coach
which will take you
between Oxford and London,
or Glasgow and Edinburgh
for £1, and they've said,
"We're gonna take the frills
out of bus travel."
-What?
But believe it or not,
I said, "Well, what are they?"
There were some.
They've taken out the telly,
the woman at the front with
the microphone
who points out
the Tower of London,
and the lavatory.
-What?
-There's no lavatory
on the bus.
Do you have
lavatories on buses?
Don't worry about it, Jeremy.
You never have,
you never will.
-Of course, you have
lavatories on buses.
-Of course, they do.
Have you not used one?
You've got a Lotus...
Actually, that's why you'd go
on the bus, obviously.
Have you never tried...
You've never been on a bus.
I've never been on a bus.
I can show you how they work.
Look, here's...
You sit next to somebody
like that, but there's a
little wall about that thick.
He's parking his breakfast.
Trousers around ankles.
I'm reading Woman's Own,
cause I'm, you know,
an 85-year-old granny.
And you just drive along
in the M40 like that.
-And you're having
a number two.
-Yes. He's reading the paper.
Is that what it's like
on a bus? And now, they've
taken the lavatory out.
-Yeah.
-But what really
amazes me is this.
Okay, it's got 94 seats.
They say, "We can sell
the seats for £1."
To maximise profits, they've
taken out the lavatory,
which is obviously
the size of one seat.
So, they've made
an extra quid.
By delivering a load
of constipated people
to Oxford.
-The next thing
that's gonna happen is...
...people will be with
Primus stoves, cooking
their lunch on the floor,
and live chickens.
And people arriving on
the underside of Eurostar
from Azerbaijan will see
one of those things go by
and think, "We've gone
around in a big circle.
I'm back in Azerbaijan again!"
This is not
the Third World,
for God's sake.
Actually, if there's
no lavatory, they should just
get rid of the back window
and have a plank
with holes in.
In fact, that's just like
following a rugby tour,
'cause they've always
got their backsides
up against the window!
No different.
Seriously, though, Stagecoach,
I've worked this out.
If you want this business
venture to be a success,
seats for £1, 94-seater coach,
don't take the lavatory
out of the bus.
Make every seat a bog,
all right?
Brilliant.
Perfection.
You could all read the paper.
-It's rubbish, isn't it, that?
-CLARKSON: Mmm.
Yeah. I'm gonna talk
about the new Ferrari.
It's called the Scaglietti,
and it replaces the 456,
so it's the new four-seater,
and it's gorgeous.
CLARKSON: How much is it?
HAMMOND: It's about £150,000.
Just under £150,000.
CLARKSON:
How big's the engine?
HAMMOND:
It's 4-point-something litres,
4.6. It's 540bhp.
0 to 60 in about
four and a bit seconds.
I don't like it.
You're so wrong!
It's a very good-looking car.
Can we just stop
spinning the tape?
Hold the tape there.
That does not
look like a Ferrari.
Not your schoolboy idea
of a wedge Ferrari!
-It's a grown-up Ferrari.
-The problem is, it's designed
by Pininfarina, okay?
Now, Pininfarina's
top designer at the moment
is a man called Ken.
Now, people called Ken
are people you borrow
lawnmowers from.
No great person in history...
It was not Ken Rembrandt.
It was not Ken Chopin.
There's has never been
a Pope Ken, has there?
There has been
a King Kenneth, in England,
but that was Kenneth,
like Kenneth Kendall.
That's allowed.
But not Ken.
-You can't have a Ferrari Ken.
Actually, it's an interesting
case in point.
When was the last,
and you are invited
to join in here,
when was the last really
good-looking Ferrari?
-456.
-CLARKSON AND HAMMOND:
456.
575 is a fabulous-looking car.
355 looked good
when it came out,
but dated...
-And actually now
looks quite...
-Footballers' Ferrari.
-MAN: I always thought...
MAY: No, no, no, no. No, no.
-What do you think?
-I always liked
the 412 series.
-No!
-The 412.
-Oh, dear.
-CLARKSON:
You've got a beard!
Your opinion...
It's all slick down here.
What don't you like
about that? I don't actually
like it very much.
I'm just interested to know
what you don't like about it.
I'm not.
It's got no arse!
Neither have you any more.
You've lost quite a bit
of weight, haven't you,
since the last series?
Oh, I was hoping
you'd notice, actually.
Look at that!
Now, that's not your arse,
that's your stomach.
-We could make another him
out of what I've lost.
-True.
There must have been
a good-looking Ferrari...
Ignore Beardy!
There must have been
a good-looking Ferrari
between the Daytona and now.
-MAN: GTO.
-What?
What, the 288?
The vampire, I reckon,
has got it.
The 288 GTO in blood red.
-He's sat up from his coffin.
-Steve Strange over there.
He's military.
Anyway, this is
the BMW 5 Series.
Now, this car came out
about seven years ago.
When it did, it was generally
regarded as the finest car
of its type.
It's just gone out
of production,
which is odd, really,
because it's still
generally regarded
as the finest car of its type.
The new one, then,
has got quite a lot
to live up to.
So, it seems odd, then,
that BMW should take
such a gamble.
Have a look at this.
You see, on paper
the new 5 Series is even
better than the old one.
It's lighter, faster, roomier,
and it has more gadgets.
But none of that
matters for the moment.
The important
question is this...
Is it ugly?
The BMW 5 Series was always
a very conservative car.
But that also meant that it
was discrete and inoffensive,
and very businesslike.
Bit like a good receptionist.
And like
a good receptionist,
everybody wanted one.
Not any more.
This new look
is controversial.
It's all odd angles and edges.
And if you don't like
the outside,
the bad news is,
they've done it
in here as well.
I know some of
the 5 Series' faithful,
and I also know that
without question,
they're going to be put off
by this new one.
However, I like it.
I think it's modern
and groovy.
It'll take a bit
of getting used to, I know,
but, you know,
the good stuff always does.
Anyway, there's a lot more
to life than just good looks.
I'm just as interested
in personality.
Given the way BMW's always
boasting about ultimate
driving machines and what,
you would expect that
this 5 Series would be very,
very good to drive, and it is.
It's front-engined
and rear-wheel drive, but
more importantly than that,
they've used a lot of
aluminium in the body work
to keep
the weight distribution
absolutely spot-on.
And this is
very good for feel.
And then, we come
to the engines.
This is a 530i.
It's powered by a 3-litre
straight-six petrol engine.
And it's lovely.
For exactly the same money,
which is a fiver
under £31,000,
you can also have
a 3-litre diesel.
I've tried that as well,
and it is, frankly,
astonishingly good.
So, as management types
would say, "That's all
the basic boxes ticked."
But there's more.
This car is dripping with
what those same people would
call "intelligent solutions."
There's a system
called dynamic drive,
which gives you
a nice, comfy ride under
normal conditions,
but then firms up
the suspension
under hard cornering.
So, it's soft when you're
just cruising along,
but it becomes all taut
when you're giving it
the berries.
It may cost an extra
1,500 quid, but the thing is,
it works, so I'll have it.
And I wish I could say that
about another new gizmo
called active steering.
It's supposed to
make the steering
more direct at low speeds
to make it easier
to turn corners,
but less direct
at high speeds
so the car doesn't become
twitchy on the motorway.
Or, at least, that's what
it said in the brochure.
But to be honest,
I just can't really
tell the difference.
So, I'm saving my 830 quid
and spending it
on American hard gums.
And I haven't finished yet.
Now, the old 5 Series
famously had more
computing power
than the Apollo space craft
that went to the moon.
But this one seems to be
boldly going where no
executive car has gone before.
Most of the dashboard
buttons have been replaced
by a TV screen
and this sort of upturned
pie dish down here.
It controls everything:
the air conditioning,
the stereo, the sat nav,
even how long
the lights stay on after
you've parked up at night.
This is my favourite,
though. It's a sort of
radar parking device.
Normally, I look for
really easy parking spaces,
but in the BMW,
I look for the tricky ones,
just for the fun of it.
So, there we go.
It's great to drive,
and it comes with its own
amusement arcade.
The 5 Series is still
a very good car,
still a great piece
of German engineering.
It's just that it's exchanged
the easily digestible
looks of Tom Cruise
for the more challenging
physiognomy of that
Gerard Dupedieu bloke.
So, what about the rivals?
There's the Jaguar S-Type.
A great drive,
but look at its face.
And there's the Mercedes
E-Class, a fabulous car
for your retirement.
Choosing a 5 Series
used to be considered
a bit of a no-brainer.
It still is.
Were you in any way unwell
when you recorded that?
Well, actually, I did have
a really bad dose of the pox.
That explains it, because
anybody whose eyes
were working
properly would recognise
that this is the ugliest...
-It is!
-It is a superb-looking car.
-It's the first car ever
where children will be sick
before they get in the back.
Rubbish!
-We'll have a vote.
-All right.
Hands up,
everyone who thinks it's ugly.
I didn't prompt them
or anything.
Now, hands up those
who think it's not ugly.
-You see? All the ones who've
left their glasses at home!
-All right.
All right, all right.
You are an executive.
This is gonna take
a bit of imagination.
You're an executive, okay,
and you're gonna buy
a new car.
-You're not going to buy
the S-Type Jag, are you?
-No.
It's a great drive,
but you wouldn't let
your kids sit around
-with their mouths
open like that.
-No.
E-Class Mercedes.
Now, you've got a Mercedes.
How much have you enjoyed it
over the summer?
No, I haven't.
It's been in the shop
the entire time.
It goes in, it's broken.
It comes back more broken
and goes in again.
-Right.
-And that's pretty much
Mercedes ownership.
-So, you're not having
one of those?
-No.
-You're not having an Audi A6
'cause it's too old.
-Er, no.
-You're not having a Kia
Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
-I might.
-No, you wouldn't.
-No, you're right.
I wouldn't.
And you're not
gonna have an Alfa 166
-because nobody
would buy a new one.
-No.
You, Jeremy Clarkson,
you are the European
director of Photocopying
.
You will buy one of these.
I've suddenly decided
I don't want to talk
to you any more.
What I want to do
is talk to my guest tonight.
He was a rock star, but
unlike any other rock star,
he didn't die in a pool
of vomit in a hotel room
full of pills and hookers.
Instead, he died
in an enormous fireball
in a car crash.
Despite this,
he's with us tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Martin Kemp!
-How are you?
-Very well.
Good. Have a seat.
-Ooh.
-So, you were killed
in a car crash.
-Yeah.
-And you're still here!
Yeah. And I'm back.
-635 BM.
-Yeah.
Couldn't you have smashed up
something a little bit less
good than that?
Well, yeah,
but that's the beauty,
sometimes, of being an actor.
You smash up
these really nice cars,
you know.
Some kind of sadistic pleasure
you get from it.
Can I offer you
a new car to smash up
in your next venture?
-The new 5 Series BMW.
You, like Ross Kemp,
left in a car accident,
-you've gone to ITV,
like Ross Kemp...
-Yep.
-You're both called Kemp.
-Yep.
He's been on this show,
now you're on it.
Does that mean
you're now going
to marry Piers Morgan?
I'll tell you something.
When I first left EastEnders
and I joined ITV,
I had a few quid
in my pocket,
and I thought, "Right,
I'm gonna treat myself".
So, I went down to
the local 911 garage,
Porsche garage,
and I'm standing there
and looking in a window
of a car, you know,
and someone touched
my back here.
And looking in the window here
of the next car is Ross,
buying his Porsche!
So, I thought, "Well, that's
what you get if you leave
EastEnders", you know.
So, you've got
a 911 turbo?
No, not a turbo.
-But he's got a turbo.
-Yeah.
He's a big boy, though.
Now, come on.
You can't allow him
to have a turbo!
-And you...
What have you got, then?
-I've got a Carrera.
-It's lovely.
-Carrera...
It's 911.
Now, you see,
is it a Carrera 2,
or is it...
I'll tell you
which one it is.
It's the black one.
But, yeah, I've had
a long line of 911s.
My first car when
I was in a band was a 911.
I think, over the years,
I've had about eight of them.
But the new ones
I'm kind of disappointed in.
-These ones are kind of...
-A bit too soft?
-Yes.
-I quite...
Before you know it,
you're up in fifth gear,
and it's too easy to drive.
Yeah. I prefer to get
into top gear myself.
-But, um...
-Having a bit of a dig
at the opposition there.
-Very good.
Did you start off
with 911 then?
Yeah, I started off with
a Lancia that I had
for a few months.
Ooh. I like that. Which one?
It was the one
with the hard top
on the roof...
-I know. The folded...
It was a Beta?
-Folding back window.
Not the coupe, the Beta.
-The Beta.
-Where's that man
with the beard?
Not the Monte Carlo.
That was the one
that was mid engine.
The Lancia Beta,
with the back window.
It was a Beta,
but specifically...
-Where's Beardy?
-Spider? Was it a Spider?
-What was it called? Spider!
-Spider!
We know the Beta...
Now, all right, that's enough!
-It was the Beta Spider.
-Beta Spider.
I loved it, you know, and
I had that for a few months.
Did it... Well, actually no,
then it would have
oxidised.
Yeah.
And then, I went out
and bought a 911E,
which was my first Porsche.
But didn't you have a 944?
Well, I had one
for about a day.
I was into 911s,
and I think I had about
four of them on the trot.
And then, I thought
I needed a change, so I went
out and bought a 944.
My mum and dad
lived down in Dorset,
so I drove it
down there one day.
I was so disappointed with it
on the way back
that I stopped
in the 911 garage
and bought another one.
So, um...
-It was 24 hours.
-So, it lasted one day?
-Yeah! Yep.
-Good second-hand buy!
Anyway, on the roads,
what is it that gets you
really going?
All right, there's
two things that get me.
-One is the bus lane
on the M4...
-Yeah.
...and the other
is the 4x4 trip to school.
The school run, 4x4.
Yeah. So, do you do
the school run?
-I do, yeah.
-And what car have you got?
-4x4.
Is it okay
doing the school run for you?
Well, it's something
that I want to do
because I think
you have to show...
Well, I have to show my kids
some kind of normality.
And because...
But I would imagine that
the women at the school gates
don't react in a normal way.
-If you saw him
rocking up...
Would you react
in a normal way?
-Would you say,
"Good morning, Mr Kemp?"
-I'd scream.
-CLARKSON: You'd scream.
Now, it is...
-Yep.
Oh, no. Listen,
you have to block it out.
You just have to
get on with your life.
How can you
block it out when
all the other mothers
are wearing negligees?
"Oh, I wonder if..."
"I wonder if he's doing
the school run this morning."
-"I won't bother
with a dressing gown!"
I get down there, and they're
all in fishing waders,
up to here!
-No, you know...
-Right.
You know, what happens
in my house is that
a lot of the time,
I'm away working
and filming something,
away for a few months
at a time.
And then,
when I do come home,
I make it a priority
that I either take them
or I bring them home.
That is so noble!
-That is so noble, isn't it?
I do. I like that very much.
-I can't be bothered!
Still, it would have stood
you in good stead today,
because, of course,
you came down here to drive
our reasonably priced car...
-Yep.
-...round our track.
Now, these are
the people who've been so far.
-We've got Jodie Kidd,
sitting at the top, above JK.
-Yeah.
And then, at the bottom,
we've got Richard Whiteley.
Presumably, you'll be after
Ross Kemp, here.
KEMP: All right, listen.
I do not know.
I haven't got a clue.
I shut my eyes
and put my toe down.
Was it wet
or was it dry out there?
Well, it was soaking wet.
And because the water
was sitting on the tarmac,
it was reflecting up
like a mirror.
You couldn't really
see the markings.
You should be a racing driver!
This is exactly
the sort of thing...
-...we hear from that lot
with their big...
Well, so far,
our fastest wet-runner
has been Ross Kemp.
KEMP: Right, okay.
So, I'm looking at 1:54.
You'd be looking
really at 1:54,
who would be the fastest...
This was mildly damp,
Alan Davies, okay?
Who'd like to have a look
how Martin did?
-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.
Okay, let's have a look.
CLARKSON:
Ooh, that is wet actually.
KEMP: Yeah.
CLARKSON: Miserable day!
KEMP: See, I couldn't
see the markings!
CLARKSON:
You've used that excuse,
now think of another one!
You've got tyre squeal
in the rain!
-CLARKSON:
That's not... That's...
-Oh, I lost it.
-Yes. You were off.
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
But that's just
sliding a bit wide.
-CLARKSON: What?
This is very good!
I mean, Steve Coogan was...
That's sliding a bit
from the back.
That's very good.
Yes, a bit wobbly at the end
through Gambon corner
and...
Just before
we reveal the time,
wasn't completely
smooth out there
when you practised, was it?
Wasn't as smooth as that.
Who'd like to see
what happened
while he was practising?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
Put it on!
CLARKSON: Ooh, it's
the hardest corner of the lot.
Threading the needle
at 100 miles an hour.
KEMP: It is hard!
CLARKSON: And... Ooh!
CLARKSON: Very good!
-That...
That's the furthest
anybody's been from the track!
Nobody...
Nobody's skidded off
onto that piece of tarmac.
-But anyway, your time.
-Yeah.
One minute,
and it's a wet lap,
and we're all agreed on that,
so we'll put the W on.
One minute,
surprise, surprise,
-the same as Ross Kemp!
-Oh, no!
I do think it's quite funny
you going around
telling the world
that Gary's your brother.
Plainly...
This is unbelievable!
So, I need a showdown
with Ross then.
CLARKSON: Well, these two
want a showdown.
They really want to
race each other.
-And I think a Kemp showdown
would be the order of the day.
-Yeah. Absolutely!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Martin Kemp!
-Thank you.
Now, as I'm sure you know,
we're not fans of diesel
on this programme.
We think it is
the fuel of Satan.
But, in the summer,
I drove one of these.
The E-Class Mercedes
Diesel Saloon.
And then I noticed
something strange.
These are the figures, okay.
This is the petrol one,
this is the diesel.
The Diesel is more powerful,
same naught-to-60.
Faster, much more economical,
cheaper, and as far as
I could tell, no noise.
And that got me thinking.
Maybe, while I've been
wearing my blinkers,
something strange
has happened.
Maybe all diesel cars
are now okay.
This is a diesel-powered
Volkswagen Lupo.
So, we all know
what to expect.
It'll make the sound of
the farm yard and accelerate
like a dog on a rug.
Or is that wrong?
Well, let's find out!
I'm going to do one lap
of the M25 in this thing
to see if it's bearable.
And to make it
more interesting,
I shall be going in convoy
with a petrol-powered Lupo.
And the producer has said
however much money I save
in fuel by driving this,
I can spend in the shop.
Like all
motorway service stations,
there's much to choose from.
£4.99 for
a Cliff Richard calendar.
Tempting.
Oh!
Look at this!
Gold-plated crystal telephone!
I mean,
who's going down
the M25 and thinks,
"I've suddenly decided
I need a pair of trousers!"
Oh, for God's sake!
My video's
in the discount bin!
£3.99.
With both cars
full to the brim of fuel,
it was time to set off.
Rough with the smooth
on Top Gear this week then.
Little while ago
I was doing burnouts
in a burnt out city
in a Ford GT with
500 million brake horsepower.
And now I'm going round
the most boring road
in the world
in a diesel Lupo.
Actually, I like the Lupo.
I like its mad face
and its tininess.
Best of all though,
it doesn't feel
like a small car.
I know it's more expensive
than all its rivals,
and the boot is pathetic,
but there's an enormous amount
of space up here,
and a sense of what
the Germans call "qvality".
But now for the nitty-gritty.
This 1.4-litre diesel version
costs £10,200.
Exactly the same as
the 1.4-litre petrol version.
They both have power steering,
both have stereos,
both have alloy wheels.
Obviously,
the petrol version's faster.
It'll do 120.
Whereas the diesel car won't.
They've helped it along
with a turbo,
but it'll barely do 105.
And naught to 60
takes 12 seconds.
Naught to 60
in double figures.
Well, I didn't know
that was still possible!
The thing is, though, that
in the real world, you never
go from naught to 60.
And you never go flat out.
What you do
is go from 50-70 a lot,
in fifth.
And that's where
the diesel engine
comes in.
No one know what torque is,
but this has 144 of them.
144 torques
live under its bonnet!
Obviously, you shouldn't
listen to those people
who say,
"Oh, you can't tell
it's a diesel
under the bonnet,
"sounds just like a petrol!"
Because it doesn't.
It sounds like it's being
fuelled with sandpaper.
But, crucially,
it's not so noisy
that I can't hear
Ken Bruce's PopMaster.
BRUCE ON RADIO: Give me the
titles of three UK Single
Chart hits for Squeeze!
Cool For Cats,
Labelled With Love,
Up The Junction.
Come on, useless man!
Easy!
So, that's PopMaster
over for another day,
and now I'm bored.
People are always being rude
about the M25.
"Oh, it's got 73 miles of jams
on any given Monday!"
But think about it.
I know it should be wider,
I know there should be
68 lanes in either direction,
but 200,000 cars a day
use this thing.
200,000!
And imagine
where they'd all go
if it weren't here.
They'd go to Carshalton
and Watford!
Do you want to go to Watford?
Hmm?
Oh, no!
There I was defending the M25,
and now...
I love people's faces
in traffic jams.
They always look so miserable.
It could be worse!
You could be shot in the back
of the head by a marksman.
But even though
the motorway let us down,
I have to say
the diesel was good to us.
Not just bearable,
but faster where it matters
than the petrol.
And because of
all those torques, you have to
change gear less often.
And that makes it
more relaxing to drive.
I'm in the outside lane
of a British motorway
doing outside-lane-of-
British-motorway speeds
in my 1.4 diesel city car
and it's fine.
I have to say, I am impressed.
Painfully,
painfully impressed.
And we haven't even
got to the business
of fuel economy yet.
Right, that is now brimmed.
And the news
is frankly astonishing,
because this little
diesel here has done
75 miles to the gallon.
And the petrol only managed
42 miles to the gallon.
And that's a huge gulf.
So are the savings.
On just one lap of the M25,
119 miles,
I've saved £4.29p,
which I'm now going to go
and spend in the shop.
So, what did you spend
your £4.29 on then?
-I spent it on a cock.
-Let's have a look.
-Look at that!
-Oh, look.
-Gold with real crystals!
-I'll just... I'll just
share that with nation.
MAY: Do you know what?
That is so awful.
But if that had to be me,
I think I'd have had your
video and kept the change!
Well, the thing
that occurred to me
is if you went round the M25,
I don't know, there were
probably 20 of those
different statuettes things,
you could get the lot!
The producer says
if I go round again,
I can have a beaver!
-A golden beaver?
-A golden beaver.
Do you honestly think
I am going to put up
with a small diesel hatchback
just so that I can have
a golden cock?
Yes, almost certainly!
Listen, the thing is,
it is faster.
I promise you, James. I...
I promise you it isn't.
I organised a race
this morning, round the track,
in the wet.
The petrol Lupo
was six seconds quicker.
That is eternity
on a little track.
On the motorway 50-70,
you put your foot down
in the diesel.
And the bloke in the
petrol one's fishing around.
And also,
if I can just think back,
to when you were driving
that 5 Series.
You said you were driving
the 3-litre petrol,
you've driven
the 3-litre diesel,
and I'm quoting,
"And it was astonishing."
Yeah. The big 3-litre
BMW engine is astonishing,
as that Mercedes one
is that you drove, but
on a small hatchback, okay...
When you drive one of those
and it's a diesel, it says
three things about you.
One is, you're tighter
than two coats of paint.
The second one is,
that you care so much
about the environment
that you want to leave
a little protective
sooty film over it.
And the third one is,
you're probably French.
I've suddenly remembered
why I don't like
talking to you.
So, I'm going to go and talk
to my best friend,
the little one.
Now, we get thousands
of letters every week
sent here to
our Top Gear office.
And to be honest,
most of them we ignore.
Until recently,
we suddenly decided, well,
this is an untapped resource.
And we've spotted
a bit of a theme developing.
Absolutely.
We get 100 million letters
every week
from women complaining about
their man's love of cars.
This is true. We do.
We don't write
to Trinny and Susannah
on What Not to Wear
and complain about women
coming out of changing rooms
going, "This dress is perfect,
and I love the colour.
I'll try something else on".
No, we don't.
And yet...
Let me just share this one.
This is from Carina Bearman
of Swindon. And she says,
"In December last year,
I was expecting our baby.
I went into labour.
"We went to hospital.
My labour turned out
to be slow.
"And we sat
watching television
in the communal lounge area.
"Top Gear came on
as I started to get
painful contractions.
"My fiance, Darren, as always,
was glued to your programme,
"was oblivious
to the pain I was in.
"Occasionally
he turned to me and asked,
'All right?'
"And then turned back
to your programme
before I'd even responded.
"Only after Top Gear
had finished
did he pay any attention.
"We were able to
go back to my hospital room."
Yes. If you're going to
write a letter in,
try and have a point.
Or maybe something
contentious enough.
What's that about?
I have no idea.
This thing continues.
I've got one here, now.
Along the same sort of line.
"Hi, Jeremy!"
With an exclamation mark.
-That's me.
-Very irritating.
This is from Claire.
She signed it with a little X,
which is like a little kiss.
"My boyfriend has bought
a new Audi A3."
Fair enough.
"Now, he's driving me mad
with this new game he has,
"where he tries to
plip the remote locking
from as far away as possible."
"Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly.
In fact, if I'd say
if anything, he sounds like
a bit of an amateur.
Yeah. Because
it's how you do the plip
that matters.
Claire, I'm going to...
This is for your fella.
I'm going to show her
some moves here.
-Yeah.
-I've got some special...
This first one
is called the Bond.
And it's perhaps more of
a closing manoeuvre.
So, the car's there
and you walk away
from your car thus,
and then at the last minute
you turn and fire.
That's the...
It's a simple good one
to start with, I reckon.
-Keeping the range good.
-Yeah.
I quite like the High Shot.
If you could demonstrate that?
Well, the true High Shot
is that.
That's the High Shot
which we like very much.
Then there's a really good one
which is the "I've Lost My Car
in the Multi-storey."
Oh, that's also known
as the Lawn Sprinkler.
Like that.
-Just like that. Yes.
-Waiting for
the things to come up.
All this stuff
is being spoiled
by these things.
This is keyless entry, okay?
Now, they tell us,
that when you walk up
to the car,
if you got one of these
in your pocket,
the door is open. Okay?
So, I was walking up to
the car, opening the door,
thinking, "That's fine."
You get out, lock it
and you assume,
you walk away,
-it'll lock itself.
-It does, doesn't it?
Well, this is it. You got a
100,000 grand Merc. And you
think, "Is that locked?"
So you go back and it's open.
-And you think,
"Well, it would be."
-It's bound to be. Yeah.
So, you have to say
to passers-by, "Sorry,
could you just hold that?"
Then you go back,
and then you find out
it doesn't lock itself.
-Yeah.
-You have to push a button.
How uncool is that?
HAMMOND: That's very poor.
I must say
that I think
they're going the wrong way
with these sort of, paring...
-Love that back actually.
-...with these key cards.
Paring them down to nothing.
I think if they really
want to know their market
and appeal to,
let's be honest, us chaps,
they should go the other way
and make them more elaborate.
Getting back
to the original question
about range.
I was told something...
And you don't know this.
I was told something
this morning
which sounded astonishing.
So, I had to try it out.
I am now about 40 yards
from the back of my car
and the central locking
is still working fine.
But if I go back
another 10 or 15 yards to,
say, here.
We're out of range.
However, if I put the key
against my head like so
and try again.
Ha, ha!
It's working!
Doesn't work like that.
Does work.
What have I done to my head?
It does work.
It doubles the range,
pretty much.
It doubles the range,
that it works using your head.
Do you have to have
your mouth open?
No! It's just like
a big amplifier.
-It's scary.
-I just don't get that.
If you've got
the faintest idea
how that works,
please write to us at...
-Or about anything else.
-Yeah. I know.
If you've got any letters...
We'll do this every week.
Read them out
if they're interesting.
-Yes.
-We've got another letter
as well.
Oh, yes. I've got one here.
Hang on a second.
This one's come from afar.
It's actually coming
from Saudi.
Which is quite a long way
away. Hold on a second.
"Dear Jeremy.
My aim is to meet you..."
No. No. Read out
what it actually says.
"Dear..."
"Dear Superstar
Mr Jeremy Clarkson."
And just do the end as well.
-"Best luck to you, King."
-That'd be me.
What on Earth
is the man going on about?
It is rather difficult
to understand.
"My aim is to meet you.
And I send with this post,
a VCD,
"to show how I
and my friends driving."
It does get a little bit
difficult to follow.
But the video
that they sent in
is very easy to follow.
CLARKSON:
This is a Toyota Carina,
front-wheel drive.
HAMMOND: It is.
CLARKSON: So he must be
using the hand brake
to make it do this.
Into the oil tanker.
No, he just misses there!
Well done.
HAMMOND: Oh!
That's just madness!
He's in the street!
There are people there!
This man is insane.
CLARKSON:
This is the problem, you see.
This is what happens
when you don't
let people drink.
HAMMOND: What?
CLARKSON:
What's happened there?
-HAMMOND:
Oh, that's gonna go wrong.
-He's gone into the wall.
-HAMMOND:
That's gone very wrong.
-You see, a new car.
CLARKSON: So, you go out
and you convert your kebab
into a pavement pizza.
That's big trouble.
Then you have a fight,
then go home.
-Saudi Arabia looks to me
like a lot more fun.
-Yes.
-But that said,
you've had a laugh.
-I have.
Porsche GT3 on our track.
HAMMOND:
This shape is primeval,
part of the landscape.
And just as
a caveman got the jitters
when he saw the outline
of a sabre-tooth tiger,
I'm pre-programmed
to start shaking
when I see this.
So, which member
of the 911 species
is prowling around our track?
This is the GT3.
A Porsche that offers you less
so it can give you
so much more.
It's been stripped of
all creature comforts.
So, there's no sat nav,
there's no air-conditioning,
less soundproofing.
Even the carpets are thinner.
No fancy leather seats
in the front and
no seats at all in the back.
And it's all in the name
of saving weight.
It makes no apologies
for what it is.
So if you want a comfy ride,
get another car.
If you wanna be cool
on a hot day?
Get another car.
If you want height adjustment
on the seats, which I don't,
get another car.
But what they've left behind
is good stuff.
For instance,
look at the brakes.
The callipers are yellow,
not the usual Porsche red.
And they signify
something important.
The discs are ceramic.
Sounds like pottery,
but it means they can cope
with enormous punishment
without overheating
and fading.
And then, there's the engine.
Oh, yes, the engine.
It's hand-built from exotic
materials like titanium.
And it's probably
the most important part
of the car.
Which is good,
because it costs 40 grand.
Shame then
that you can't really see it.
It's in here somewhere.
Behind this
old washing machine.
And it staggers me
when I think where it is.
Still hanging out
over the edge at the back.
Now, technically
that's just wrong.
It's like building a pyramid
with the pointy bit
at the bottom.
It was daft idea
when they first did it
40 years ago.
And on paper,
it still is today.
That should be rubbish.
It should be up to
the usual old 911 tricks.
All that weight at the back
swinging round
like a big pendulum.
Ready to punish you
the first time
you run out of straight road.
And talent.
So, you'd think
that over the years they'd try
and inch the engine forwards.
I say, "Look at
our lovely new headlamps".
Meanwhile the engine's
coming towards the front.
But, no. German engineers
don't do U-turns.
So, it's still out there
at the back.
Wherever it is though,
what an engine!
Now, the figures
speak for themselves.
Naught to 60, 4.5 seconds,
top speed 190.
And for once, it's not scary
using all that power.
In the bad old days,
to try and counter
the handling problems,
Porsche tried
crude Heath Robinson measures.
They stuffed
the front bumper with lead
to try and balance it.
But none of it worked.
In the '70s and '80s,
the 911 was
the Grim Reaper's company car.
Huge crowds
would gather at roundabouts
to watch fat stockbrokers
climb trees in their Porches.
Nowadays though,
they're a little more
scientific.
They've mastered
the suspension and honed
and polished their car
until they're left with this
magnificent creation.
This is an amazing machine!
You can put it
where you want it and then
hold it in huge slides!
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna drift off.
Look, Ma, I'm going sideways!
Look at that!
The engine's at the wrong end.
Yeah. So what?
Sure, it's a flaw.
But it's a flaw
like Cindy Crawford's mole.
JLo's enormous buttocks.
It's become
its defining feature.
It's the whole point
of the car.
The GT3 is final
and absolute proof
that evolution works.
And after 40 years,
this isn't just good.
This is the best 911 ever.
Do you know, that's it?
That has made up my mind.
I'm convinced.
I'm gonna go
straight home tonight,
rip the back seats
and all the carpets
out my old 911
and turn it into a mini
one of these.
It's fantastic!
That won't work. You'll just
end up with an upturned
bathtub with no seats in it.
HAMMOND: You are a
cuckoo job.
However, I've driven this
this year, and you know
I'm a bit of a Ferrari man.
Footballer!
Yeah. This was the best car
I've driven all year, GT3.
I never thought
I'd say that of a 911.
I adored it.
I'm glad to hear you say.
It is absolutely fantastic.
But, of course, there is
just one test left for it.
The Stig.
Now, before we sent him off
to HMS Invincible, which we'll
see in a short while,
as a bit of practise,
because it is bucketing
out there,
we sent him out
on the track in this.
So, schnell, schnell,
Herr Stigbacher!
HAMMOND: And he's off!
Now, the track surface
was soaking.
Look at that spray!
So this is gonna be
very lively out there.
Be careful, Stig. Steady.
HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
Stig's sucking up to
Martin Kemp I think.
Shameless.
Now, we go round Chicago.
And look, he really is...
He really is having to work
to keep the GT3
in check here.
Going to be going
into the Hammerhead.
Now, this could be
the biggest test so far.
You can actually see
the front end lifting
under the power.
This is not a day
for a rear engine car at all!
Definitely not a day for
a rear engine car out there.
That is so difficult
in the wet!
Blasting out
of the Follow Through...
No, he's gonna lose it!
Hang on there,
Stiggy!
-Look at that.
Not even
breaking into a sweat.
The last two bends now.
Is he going to
keep it off the grass?
Tidy. Tidy through Gambon
at the end.
And across the line in...
Now, this is important.
Wet track.
The fastest wet lap
we've ever had so far
is a 911 Turbo,
which of course
has four-wheel drive.
This doesn't.
And it did it in?
I cannot believe this.
In the wet, 1:27.2.
That's just... Look at that!
That's faster than an Evo VIII
in the dry! That's a...
If that had been dry,
I don't wanna even think
what it would've done it in.
-No.
-That's gotta be...
-Anyway,
after that momentous drive...
-Yeah?
...he went off
and he joined the Navy.
HMS Invincible.
20,000 tonnes of
aircraft carrier and home to
a fleet of Harrier Jump Jets.
This plane
goes from naught to 60
in 2.8 seconds.
And it's hitting
100 miles an hour
by the time it reaches the end
of the 200-metre runway.
And that has given The Stig
his biggest challenge yet,
100 miles an hour
in 200 metres.
Obviously, he needed
a special kind of vehicle.
And this is it.
The old Top Gear Jag.
Bought for
a couple of hundred quid,
it was stripped of its fat
and fitted
with nitrous injection.
That meant
500 brake horsepower.
In a drag race
in the last series,
it beat just about
every supercar on the planet.
But is it enough here?
Top Gun versus Top Gear.
100 miles an hour
in 200 metres
and, unlike the pilot,
The Stig must
leave himself enough space
to pull up again.
He's ready.
And he's off. There we go.
Now, he's has to get to 100
and then stop again.
Here we go.
That's too fast!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Uh... That was not
supposed to happen.
And that is unquestionably
the end of our Jaguar.
But what about The Stig?
That is all that was there.
The Navy divers went down,
but they
couldn't find anything.
So, tune in next week
and we'll bring you
up to speed with whatever
developments have happened.
See you then. Good night.
Grand slam the red
for no loss.
There's only one opposition
today, so probably have
time we have to kill.
We will have
a wild card in there
just to keep us amused.
Training. We're gonna
have to make sure we target...
Any questions?
CLARKSON:
On today's Top Gear,
we'll be looking
at the new 5 Series BMW,
the epic Ford GT,
and Porsche's fearsome GT3.
Hello! Now, when we were
putting this new type of
Top Gear together,
we made a decision.
We would not squander
the licence fee payers'
money on air fares
jetting off to the other side
of the world to drive cars.
We would wait for them
to come to us.
This was a hard and fast rule,
and it would never be broken.
I've come to Detroit,
which in my defence
is not exactly St Tropez.
God may have created
the world in six days,
but while he was resting
on the seventh,
Beelzebub popped up
and did this place.
Back in the '60s,
Detroit was the home
of Motown and Motor City.
But the riots of '67
left it a deserted
and shattered shell.
So, I haven't come here
for a holiday.
I've come here
for something even better.
This is the new Ford GT.
It's the first
proper supercar
ever made in America.
It was built to celebrate
Ford's 100th birthday.
But there's a lot more
to it than that.
Over the years,
there have been
a couple of attempts
to try and rekindle
the GT40 magic.
There was the GT70,
which I bought.
Here it is. Look.
Doors open and everything.
Fantastic!
And then, in 1995,
there was the GT90.
I actually drove this,
and it was horrid.
Had a top speed of 40,
and it handled like
it was in a cartoon.
Ford realised that
the only way forwards
was to go backwards.
This is the result.
It looks almost identical
to the old GT40,
although because this one
was built in America,
it is bigger than the one
built in Britain.
Longer, wider and taller.
But still
just as good-looking.
This car shows
that the desolate and
smashed city of Detroit,
one of the most dangerous
places on earth,
is not quite dead.
It's still coughing up
blood and guts.
Don't think, however,
that this is just some
evolutionary throwback.
Ford wanted it to be much more
than a pretty face.
They wanted it to handle
like a Lotus Elise,
sound like a Honda NSX,
shock like
a Lamborghini Diablo
and go like a Ferrari 360.
Now, on that last front,
the speed thing,
I think they may have
overdone it.
Oh...
You see, it offers up
500 brake horsepower,
and that's 100 more
than you get from a 360,
and you get twice the torque
over twice the rev range.
So, with its top speed
of 200 miles an hour,
this thing once again
will blow Ferrari
into the middle of next week.
Obviously, you don't
get the sense
that the engine was made
by craftsmen using techniques
passed from father to son
over the generations
because of course, it wasn't.
Actually, the 5.4-litre
super-charged V8 is lifted
out of one of Ford's
pick-up trucks.
This then
is a blue-collar car
with a blue-collar punch.
It's a working-class hero.
Let's go hunting
for aristocrats,
shout them to death.
Of course, Americans have
never had a problem
making stuff go fast
in a straight line.
The space shuttle,
the Corvette, the Boeing 747
and so on.
But they have never,
and I've checked this out
with all the experts,
they've never made a car
that can go round
corners properly
until now.
The ride comfort's
a bit shabby,
but as far as handling
and grip are concerned,
it is epic!
So, it goes fast,
handles well,
looks astonishing
and we haven't even got
to the second best thing
about it yet.
The clutch is so light,
even someone from a Lowry
painting could press it.
The steering's light,
the gearbox is light,
I've got air-conditioning,
I've got a stereo.
I've got electric windows,
I've got central locking,
and yet, none of the essence
of the GT40 has been lost.
Look at these
doors for instance.
They still cut into the roof.
And like on the old car,
you can see the engine
through the back window.
Mind you,
not as well as if you...
Open up the clam shell.
Oh, look at that.
Look at it!
Makes me feel six years old
all over again.
In fact,
I think I've just wet myself.
Amazingly, then,
Ford seems to have done it.
The GT does handle
like a Lotus,
it does shock like a Lambo
and it goes harder and faster
than a Ferrari.
And now, we get
to the best thing about it.
It's priced like a Ford.
Even though it'll only be
built in tiny numbers,
it's going to be less
than £100,000.
That's £8,000 less
than the Ferrari
and £17,000 less
than the Lamborghini Gallardo.
I love this thing.
I love it even more than
I thought I was going to.
Feel that power.
I love it mostly, though,
because it takes you
back to a time
when Detroit was humming
to the petrol-head rhythm
of the Motown sound.
A time when The Temptations
provided the descant and
the factories were on bass,
a time when the street echoed
to the sound of dancing
and the roar
of last chance heroes
in their V8 muscle cars,
racing between the lights.
I have always wanted
to do this.
Was that legal, sir?
Well, I don't know.
The thing was,
is when we said
we were gonna film
in the middle of Detroit,
which is kind of
even more dangerous
than Birmingham,
we got four police patrol cars
to follow us everywhere,
and I did that charging
off 120 miles an hour
right through the city centre,
got back,
expecting them to say,
"Have you been smoking?"
-And they were
just sitting
in their patrol cars,
eating doughnuts!
Couldn't give a damn!
-Now, this is an original,
which is really a British car.
-Yeah.
That is an all-American
supercar.
-No.
-That's not an
all-American supercar.
No. You're absolutely right.
They say this is
an all-American car.
It isn't.
In fact, the steering comes
from an Aston Martin Vanquish,
the brakes are Italian.
Couple of guys from Lotus
did the suspension.
The body's British.
It's not American at all.
Yeah, but these
are technicalities.
We're talking about
the nation that won
the Battle of Britain.
Absolutely.
Ben Affleck did that
on his own.
-And they rescued Europe
from Sir Winston Hitler.
They did. And what made it
particularly good,
was when I was
driving around Detroit
in that thing,
everyone you see,
all four of them, they're,
"Hey, nice Ferrari."
everyone you see,
all four of them, they're,
"Hey, nice Ferrari."
-Every single one of them.
-Every single one of them.
Now, just tell me,
can I go and buy this
from a Ford dealer in Britain?
-Not this. This is an old one.
These are about £350,000.
-This is the old one.
But you can walk
into a dealer in Barnsley,
tomorrow, slap down
your £90,000, 100,000,
whatever it's gonna cost,
and you can buy
one of those things.
-Would you?
-Yeah.
-In Barnsley?
-Yeah... It'll be
even more fun.
Actually, if I do
decide to get one,
and I'm sort of...
I will buy it from Barnsley.
Whoever the dealer
is in Barnsley,
-I'm on my way, probably.
Here's another new Ford.
It's called the Visos,
and look at this shape.
Very cutting edge,
and then the interior...
Wow! And those dials!
They're all spangly,
clever up-to-the-minute
computer stuff.
And there's no mirrors. Look.
Cameras instead. Hiya!
It's a modern car, no doubt,
but look a bit more closely.
And look.
There's these grills
on the flank,
and then,
the shape of this window.
Now, you can't fool me.
If Ford ever actually
make this car for real,
this is the new Capri,
no doubt about it.
Tell you what, though. You
know, in the olden days, when
people actually had Capris,
they always had the bonnet up
on a Saturday, tinkering
around with the engine.
-Fettling.
-Exactly!
Well, nowadays,
-people always fiddle around
with computers...
-Yeah.
...so what this has got,
which is amazing.
Well, if they ever get round
to putting a bonnet in it,
which they haven't,
at the moment,
it'll have a...
-Plug... Port.
-Plug... Port thing.
You put your laptop in it,
and you'll be able to
adjust, like, the rev limiter
and the suspension settings,
and everything.
But it goes further than that.
It's very clever,
because once you got
your laptop plugged in,
you can then log on
to the internet,
and you can actually
download specifications
and settings direct from Ford.
And better than that, even,
you can then exchange
data with your mates
and their Visos.
So, if you got one,
I could set the rev limit
at, like, 1500rpm,
-have the headlamps flash
every time we went above 10.
Not quite what
they meant there, really!
Or even better,
if you get stuck behind
one on the road,
what you could do is dial up
its computer from your laptop,
Bluetooth, mobile phone,
speed him up a bit!
-About 150.
And then, just apply
one of the rear brakes.
HAMMOND: Yeah,
and that is just stupid.
It's stupid.
Let's do the news.
Now, as this is the only
programme on television that
doesn't feature Jonathan Ross,
we thought we'd try
and work him in
by apologising to him.
In the last series, we said
that Mr Ross had spent
millions of pounds
on a number plate
that spelt "Ross".
However, our source
for this story was
the Sunday Express,
and it's not true.
So, Jonathan, we're sorry.
We would like
to formally retract
any suggestion
that you are a big dandy
with more money
than taste.
Well done. Let's get on
our way now. News.
Um...
There's a new Golf that
happened while we were away
having our summer holidays.
There it is.
We'd love to
tell you what it's like,
but we can't,
because we went
one mile down the road in it,
and the clutch went.
I've got one
I'd like to get over with
very quickly, all right?
We've charted the gradual
sliding downhill of Jaguar.
Last series, we spoke
about the diesel.
Now, it's got
an awful lot worse.
-The new X-Type Estate.
-This an Estate Jaguar
front-wheel drive.
-What's the matter?
MAY: That's dreadful.
HAMMOND: Well, it's
an awful idea, Jeremy.
-Look at that.
-CLARKSON: Well,
if you have a dog...
-Now you can have
a dog and a cat.
-MAY: Oh!
-I just don't see
what's wrong with it.
-It looks like a Mondeo.
-It's terribly depressing.
-It is a Mondeo.
-What have you got?
-Stagecoach.
These are the bus operators.
They've come up with
something remarkable.
It's a 94-seater
double-decker coach
which will take you
between Oxford and London,
or Glasgow and Edinburgh
for £1, and they've said,
"We're gonna take the frills
out of bus travel."
-What?
But believe it or not,
I said, "Well, what are they?"
There were some.
They've taken out the telly,
the woman at the front with
the microphone
who points out
the Tower of London,
and the lavatory.
-What?
-There's no lavatory
on the bus.
Do you have
lavatories on buses?
Don't worry about it, Jeremy.
You never have,
you never will.
-Of course, you have
lavatories on buses.
-Of course, they do.
Have you not used one?
You've got a Lotus...
Actually, that's why you'd go
on the bus, obviously.
Have you never tried...
You've never been on a bus.
I've never been on a bus.
I can show you how they work.
Look, here's...
You sit next to somebody
like that, but there's a
little wall about that thick.
He's parking his breakfast.
Trousers around ankles.
I'm reading Woman's Own,
cause I'm, you know,
an 85-year-old granny.
And you just drive along
in the M40 like that.
-And you're having
a number two.
-Yes. He's reading the paper.
Is that what it's like
on a bus? And now, they've
taken the lavatory out.
-Yeah.
-But what really
amazes me is this.
Okay, it's got 94 seats.
They say, "We can sell
the seats for £1."
To maximise profits, they've
taken out the lavatory,
which is obviously
the size of one seat.
So, they've made
an extra quid.
By delivering a load
of constipated people
to Oxford.
-The next thing
that's gonna happen is...
...people will be with
Primus stoves, cooking
their lunch on the floor,
and live chickens.
And people arriving on
the underside of Eurostar
from Azerbaijan will see
one of those things go by
and think, "We've gone
around in a big circle.
I'm back in Azerbaijan again!"
This is not
the Third World,
for God's sake.
Actually, if there's
no lavatory, they should just
get rid of the back window
and have a plank
with holes in.
In fact, that's just like
following a rugby tour,
'cause they've always
got their backsides
up against the window!
No different.
Seriously, though, Stagecoach,
I've worked this out.
If you want this business
venture to be a success,
seats for £1, 94-seater coach,
don't take the lavatory
out of the bus.
Make every seat a bog,
all right?
Brilliant.
Perfection.
You could all read the paper.
-It's rubbish, isn't it, that?
-CLARKSON: Mmm.
Yeah. I'm gonna talk
about the new Ferrari.
It's called the Scaglietti,
and it replaces the 456,
so it's the new four-seater,
and it's gorgeous.
CLARKSON: How much is it?
HAMMOND: It's about £150,000.
Just under £150,000.
CLARKSON:
How big's the engine?
HAMMOND:
It's 4-point-something litres,
4.6. It's 540bhp.
0 to 60 in about
four and a bit seconds.
I don't like it.
You're so wrong!
It's a very good-looking car.
Can we just stop
spinning the tape?
Hold the tape there.
That does not
look like a Ferrari.
Not your schoolboy idea
of a wedge Ferrari!
-It's a grown-up Ferrari.
-The problem is, it's designed
by Pininfarina, okay?
Now, Pininfarina's
top designer at the moment
is a man called Ken.
Now, people called Ken
are people you borrow
lawnmowers from.
No great person in history...
It was not Ken Rembrandt.
It was not Ken Chopin.
There's has never been
a Pope Ken, has there?
There has been
a King Kenneth, in England,
but that was Kenneth,
like Kenneth Kendall.
That's allowed.
But not Ken.
-You can't have a Ferrari Ken.
Actually, it's an interesting
case in point.
When was the last,
and you are invited
to join in here,
when was the last really
good-looking Ferrari?
-456.
-CLARKSON AND HAMMOND:
456.
575 is a fabulous-looking car.
355 looked good
when it came out,
but dated...
-And actually now
looks quite...
-Footballers' Ferrari.
-MAN: I always thought...
MAY: No, no, no, no. No, no.
-What do you think?
-I always liked
the 412 series.
-No!
-The 412.
-Oh, dear.
-CLARKSON:
You've got a beard!
Your opinion...
It's all slick down here.
What don't you like
about that? I don't actually
like it very much.
I'm just interested to know
what you don't like about it.
I'm not.
It's got no arse!
Neither have you any more.
You've lost quite a bit
of weight, haven't you,
since the last series?
Oh, I was hoping
you'd notice, actually.
Look at that!
Now, that's not your arse,
that's your stomach.
-We could make another him
out of what I've lost.
-True.
There must have been
a good-looking Ferrari...
Ignore Beardy!
There must have been
a good-looking Ferrari
between the Daytona and now.
-MAN: GTO.
-What?
What, the 288?
The vampire, I reckon,
has got it.
The 288 GTO in blood red.
-He's sat up from his coffin.
-Steve Strange over there.
He's military.
Anyway, this is
the BMW 5 Series.
Now, this car came out
about seven years ago.
When it did, it was generally
regarded as the finest car
of its type.
It's just gone out
of production,
which is odd, really,
because it's still
generally regarded
as the finest car of its type.
The new one, then,
has got quite a lot
to live up to.
So, it seems odd, then,
that BMW should take
such a gamble.
Have a look at this.
You see, on paper
the new 5 Series is even
better than the old one.
It's lighter, faster, roomier,
and it has more gadgets.
But none of that
matters for the moment.
The important
question is this...
Is it ugly?
The BMW 5 Series was always
a very conservative car.
But that also meant that it
was discrete and inoffensive,
and very businesslike.
Bit like a good receptionist.
And like
a good receptionist,
everybody wanted one.
Not any more.
This new look
is controversial.
It's all odd angles and edges.
And if you don't like
the outside,
the bad news is,
they've done it
in here as well.
I know some of
the 5 Series' faithful,
and I also know that
without question,
they're going to be put off
by this new one.
However, I like it.
I think it's modern
and groovy.
It'll take a bit
of getting used to, I know,
but, you know,
the good stuff always does.
Anyway, there's a lot more
to life than just good looks.
I'm just as interested
in personality.
Given the way BMW's always
boasting about ultimate
driving machines and what,
you would expect that
this 5 Series would be very,
very good to drive, and it is.
It's front-engined
and rear-wheel drive, but
more importantly than that,
they've used a lot of
aluminium in the body work
to keep
the weight distribution
absolutely spot-on.
And this is
very good for feel.
And then, we come
to the engines.
This is a 530i.
It's powered by a 3-litre
straight-six petrol engine.
And it's lovely.
For exactly the same money,
which is a fiver
under £31,000,
you can also have
a 3-litre diesel.
I've tried that as well,
and it is, frankly,
astonishingly good.
So, as management types
would say, "That's all
the basic boxes ticked."
But there's more.
This car is dripping with
what those same people would
call "intelligent solutions."
There's a system
called dynamic drive,
which gives you
a nice, comfy ride under
normal conditions,
but then firms up
the suspension
under hard cornering.
So, it's soft when you're
just cruising along,
but it becomes all taut
when you're giving it
the berries.
It may cost an extra
1,500 quid, but the thing is,
it works, so I'll have it.
And I wish I could say that
about another new gizmo
called active steering.
It's supposed to
make the steering
more direct at low speeds
to make it easier
to turn corners,
but less direct
at high speeds
so the car doesn't become
twitchy on the motorway.
Or, at least, that's what
it said in the brochure.
But to be honest,
I just can't really
tell the difference.
So, I'm saving my 830 quid
and spending it
on American hard gums.
And I haven't finished yet.
Now, the old 5 Series
famously had more
computing power
than the Apollo space craft
that went to the moon.
But this one seems to be
boldly going where no
executive car has gone before.
Most of the dashboard
buttons have been replaced
by a TV screen
and this sort of upturned
pie dish down here.
It controls everything:
the air conditioning,
the stereo, the sat nav,
even how long
the lights stay on after
you've parked up at night.
This is my favourite,
though. It's a sort of
radar parking device.
Normally, I look for
really easy parking spaces,
but in the BMW,
I look for the tricky ones,
just for the fun of it.
So, there we go.
It's great to drive,
and it comes with its own
amusement arcade.
The 5 Series is still
a very good car,
still a great piece
of German engineering.
It's just that it's exchanged
the easily digestible
looks of Tom Cruise
for the more challenging
physiognomy of that
Gerard Dupedieu bloke.
So, what about the rivals?
There's the Jaguar S-Type.
A great drive,
but look at its face.
And there's the Mercedes
E-Class, a fabulous car
for your retirement.
Choosing a 5 Series
used to be considered
a bit of a no-brainer.
It still is.
Were you in any way unwell
when you recorded that?
Well, actually, I did have
a really bad dose of the pox.
That explains it, because
anybody whose eyes
were working
properly would recognise
that this is the ugliest...
-It is!
-It is a superb-looking car.
-It's the first car ever
where children will be sick
before they get in the back.
Rubbish!
-We'll have a vote.
-All right.
Hands up,
everyone who thinks it's ugly.
I didn't prompt them
or anything.
Now, hands up those
who think it's not ugly.
-You see? All the ones who've
left their glasses at home!
-All right.
All right, all right.
You are an executive.
This is gonna take
a bit of imagination.
You're an executive, okay,
and you're gonna buy
a new car.
-You're not going to buy
the S-Type Jag, are you?
-No.
It's a great drive,
but you wouldn't let
your kids sit around
-with their mouths
open like that.
-No.
E-Class Mercedes.
Now, you've got a Mercedes.
How much have you enjoyed it
over the summer?
No, I haven't.
It's been in the shop
the entire time.
It goes in, it's broken.
It comes back more broken
and goes in again.
-Right.
-And that's pretty much
Mercedes ownership.
-So, you're not having
one of those?
-No.
-You're not having an Audi A6
'cause it's too old.
-Er, no.
-You're not having a Kia
Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
-I might.
-No, you wouldn't.
-No, you're right.
I wouldn't.
And you're not
gonna have an Alfa 166
-because nobody
would buy a new one.
-No.
You, Jeremy Clarkson,
you are the European
director of Photocopying
.
You will buy one of these.
I've suddenly decided
I don't want to talk
to you any more.
What I want to do
is talk to my guest tonight.
He was a rock star, but
unlike any other rock star,
he didn't die in a pool
of vomit in a hotel room
full of pills and hookers.
Instead, he died
in an enormous fireball
in a car crash.
Despite this,
he's with us tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Martin Kemp!
-How are you?
-Very well.
Good. Have a seat.
-Ooh.
-So, you were killed
in a car crash.
-Yeah.
-And you're still here!
Yeah. And I'm back.
-635 BM.
-Yeah.
Couldn't you have smashed up
something a little bit less
good than that?
Well, yeah,
but that's the beauty,
sometimes, of being an actor.
You smash up
these really nice cars,
you know.
Some kind of sadistic pleasure
you get from it.
Can I offer you
a new car to smash up
in your next venture?
-The new 5 Series BMW.
You, like Ross Kemp,
left in a car accident,
-you've gone to ITV,
like Ross Kemp...
-Yep.
-You're both called Kemp.
-Yep.
He's been on this show,
now you're on it.
Does that mean
you're now going
to marry Piers Morgan?
I'll tell you something.
When I first left EastEnders
and I joined ITV,
I had a few quid
in my pocket,
and I thought, "Right,
I'm gonna treat myself".
So, I went down to
the local 911 garage,
Porsche garage,
and I'm standing there
and looking in a window
of a car, you know,
and someone touched
my back here.
And looking in the window here
of the next car is Ross,
buying his Porsche!
So, I thought, "Well, that's
what you get if you leave
EastEnders", you know.
So, you've got
a 911 turbo?
No, not a turbo.
-But he's got a turbo.
-Yeah.
He's a big boy, though.
Now, come on.
You can't allow him
to have a turbo!
-And you...
What have you got, then?
-I've got a Carrera.
-It's lovely.
-Carrera...
It's 911.
Now, you see,
is it a Carrera 2,
or is it...
I'll tell you
which one it is.
It's the black one.
But, yeah, I've had
a long line of 911s.
My first car when
I was in a band was a 911.
I think, over the years,
I've had about eight of them.
But the new ones
I'm kind of disappointed in.
-These ones are kind of...
-A bit too soft?
-Yes.
-I quite...
Before you know it,
you're up in fifth gear,
and it's too easy to drive.
Yeah. I prefer to get
into top gear myself.
-But, um...
-Having a bit of a dig
at the opposition there.
-Very good.
Did you start off
with 911 then?
Yeah, I started off with
a Lancia that I had
for a few months.
Ooh. I like that. Which one?
It was the one
with the hard top
on the roof...
-I know. The folded...
It was a Beta?
-Folding back window.
Not the coupe, the Beta.
-The Beta.
-Where's that man
with the beard?
Not the Monte Carlo.
That was the one
that was mid engine.
The Lancia Beta,
with the back window.
It was a Beta,
but specifically...
-Where's Beardy?
-Spider? Was it a Spider?
-What was it called? Spider!
-Spider!
We know the Beta...
Now, all right, that's enough!
-It was the Beta Spider.
-Beta Spider.
I loved it, you know, and
I had that for a few months.
Did it... Well, actually no,
then it would have
oxidised.
Yeah.
And then, I went out
and bought a 911E,
which was my first Porsche.
But didn't you have a 944?
Well, I had one
for about a day.
I was into 911s,
and I think I had about
four of them on the trot.
And then, I thought
I needed a change, so I went
out and bought a 944.
My mum and dad
lived down in Dorset,
so I drove it
down there one day.
I was so disappointed with it
on the way back
that I stopped
in the 911 garage
and bought another one.
So, um...
-It was 24 hours.
-So, it lasted one day?
-Yeah! Yep.
-Good second-hand buy!
Anyway, on the roads,
what is it that gets you
really going?
All right, there's
two things that get me.
-One is the bus lane
on the M4...
-Yeah.
...and the other
is the 4x4 trip to school.
The school run, 4x4.
Yeah. So, do you do
the school run?
-I do, yeah.
-And what car have you got?
-4x4.
Is it okay
doing the school run for you?
Well, it's something
that I want to do
because I think
you have to show...
Well, I have to show my kids
some kind of normality.
And because...
But I would imagine that
the women at the school gates
don't react in a normal way.
-If you saw him
rocking up...
Would you react
in a normal way?
-Would you say,
"Good morning, Mr Kemp?"
-I'd scream.
-CLARKSON: You'd scream.
Now, it is...
-Yep.
Oh, no. Listen,
you have to block it out.
You just have to
get on with your life.
How can you
block it out when
all the other mothers
are wearing negligees?
"Oh, I wonder if..."
"I wonder if he's doing
the school run this morning."
-"I won't bother
with a dressing gown!"
I get down there, and they're
all in fishing waders,
up to here!
-No, you know...
-Right.
You know, what happens
in my house is that
a lot of the time,
I'm away working
and filming something,
away for a few months
at a time.
And then,
when I do come home,
I make it a priority
that I either take them
or I bring them home.
That is so noble!
-That is so noble, isn't it?
I do. I like that very much.
-I can't be bothered!
Still, it would have stood
you in good stead today,
because, of course,
you came down here to drive
our reasonably priced car...
-Yep.
-...round our track.
Now, these are
the people who've been so far.
-We've got Jodie Kidd,
sitting at the top, above JK.
-Yeah.
And then, at the bottom,
we've got Richard Whiteley.
Presumably, you'll be after
Ross Kemp, here.
KEMP: All right, listen.
I do not know.
I haven't got a clue.
I shut my eyes
and put my toe down.
Was it wet
or was it dry out there?
Well, it was soaking wet.
And because the water
was sitting on the tarmac,
it was reflecting up
like a mirror.
You couldn't really
see the markings.
You should be a racing driver!
This is exactly
the sort of thing...
-...we hear from that lot
with their big...
Well, so far,
our fastest wet-runner
has been Ross Kemp.
KEMP: Right, okay.
So, I'm looking at 1:54.
You'd be looking
really at 1:54,
who would be the fastest...
This was mildly damp,
Alan Davies, okay?
Who'd like to have a look
how Martin did?
-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.
Okay, let's have a look.
CLARKSON:
Ooh, that is wet actually.
KEMP: Yeah.
CLARKSON: Miserable day!
KEMP: See, I couldn't
see the markings!
CLARKSON:
You've used that excuse,
now think of another one!
You've got tyre squeal
in the rain!
-CLARKSON:
That's not... That's...
-Oh, I lost it.
-Yes. You were off.
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
But that's just
sliding a bit wide.
-CLARKSON: What?
This is very good!
I mean, Steve Coogan was...
That's sliding a bit
from the back.
That's very good.
Yes, a bit wobbly at the end
through Gambon corner
and...
Just before
we reveal the time,
wasn't completely
smooth out there
when you practised, was it?
Wasn't as smooth as that.
Who'd like to see
what happened
while he was practising?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
Put it on!
CLARKSON: Ooh, it's
the hardest corner of the lot.
Threading the needle
at 100 miles an hour.
KEMP: It is hard!
CLARKSON: And... Ooh!
CLARKSON: Very good!
-That...
That's the furthest
anybody's been from the track!
Nobody...
Nobody's skidded off
onto that piece of tarmac.
-But anyway, your time.
-Yeah.
One minute,
and it's a wet lap,
and we're all agreed on that,
so we'll put the W on.
One minute,
surprise, surprise,
-the same as Ross Kemp!
-Oh, no!
I do think it's quite funny
you going around
telling the world
that Gary's your brother.
Plainly...
This is unbelievable!
So, I need a showdown
with Ross then.
CLARKSON: Well, these two
want a showdown.
They really want to
race each other.
-And I think a Kemp showdown
would be the order of the day.
-Yeah. Absolutely!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Martin Kemp!
-Thank you.
Now, as I'm sure you know,
we're not fans of diesel
on this programme.
We think it is
the fuel of Satan.
But, in the summer,
I drove one of these.
The E-Class Mercedes
Diesel Saloon.
And then I noticed
something strange.
These are the figures, okay.
This is the petrol one,
this is the diesel.
The Diesel is more powerful,
same naught-to-60.
Faster, much more economical,
cheaper, and as far as
I could tell, no noise.
And that got me thinking.
Maybe, while I've been
wearing my blinkers,
something strange
has happened.
Maybe all diesel cars
are now okay.
This is a diesel-powered
Volkswagen Lupo.
So, we all know
what to expect.
It'll make the sound of
the farm yard and accelerate
like a dog on a rug.
Or is that wrong?
Well, let's find out!
I'm going to do one lap
of the M25 in this thing
to see if it's bearable.
And to make it
more interesting,
I shall be going in convoy
with a petrol-powered Lupo.
And the producer has said
however much money I save
in fuel by driving this,
I can spend in the shop.
Like all
motorway service stations,
there's much to choose from.
£4.99 for
a Cliff Richard calendar.
Tempting.
Oh!
Look at this!
Gold-plated crystal telephone!
I mean,
who's going down
the M25 and thinks,
"I've suddenly decided
I need a pair of trousers!"
Oh, for God's sake!
My video's
in the discount bin!
£3.99.
With both cars
full to the brim of fuel,
it was time to set off.
Rough with the smooth
on Top Gear this week then.
Little while ago
I was doing burnouts
in a burnt out city
in a Ford GT with
500 million brake horsepower.
And now I'm going round
the most boring road
in the world
in a diesel Lupo.
Actually, I like the Lupo.
I like its mad face
and its tininess.
Best of all though,
it doesn't feel
like a small car.
I know it's more expensive
than all its rivals,
and the boot is pathetic,
but there's an enormous amount
of space up here,
and a sense of what
the Germans call "qvality".
But now for the nitty-gritty.
This 1.4-litre diesel version
costs £10,200.
Exactly the same as
the 1.4-litre petrol version.
They both have power steering,
both have stereos,
both have alloy wheels.
Obviously,
the petrol version's faster.
It'll do 120.
Whereas the diesel car won't.
They've helped it along
with a turbo,
but it'll barely do 105.
And naught to 60
takes 12 seconds.
Naught to 60
in double figures.
Well, I didn't know
that was still possible!
The thing is, though, that
in the real world, you never
go from naught to 60.
And you never go flat out.
What you do
is go from 50-70 a lot,
in fifth.
And that's where
the diesel engine
comes in.
No one know what torque is,
but this has 144 of them.
144 torques
live under its bonnet!
Obviously, you shouldn't
listen to those people
who say,
"Oh, you can't tell
it's a diesel
under the bonnet,
"sounds just like a petrol!"
Because it doesn't.
It sounds like it's being
fuelled with sandpaper.
But, crucially,
it's not so noisy
that I can't hear
Ken Bruce's PopMaster.
BRUCE ON RADIO: Give me the
titles of three UK Single
Chart hits for Squeeze!
Cool For Cats,
Labelled With Love,
Up The Junction.
Come on, useless man!
Easy!
So, that's PopMaster
over for another day,
and now I'm bored.
People are always being rude
about the M25.
"Oh, it's got 73 miles of jams
on any given Monday!"
But think about it.
I know it should be wider,
I know there should be
68 lanes in either direction,
but 200,000 cars a day
use this thing.
200,000!
And imagine
where they'd all go
if it weren't here.
They'd go to Carshalton
and Watford!
Do you want to go to Watford?
Hmm?
Oh, no!
There I was defending the M25,
and now...
I love people's faces
in traffic jams.
They always look so miserable.
It could be worse!
You could be shot in the back
of the head by a marksman.
But even though
the motorway let us down,
I have to say
the diesel was good to us.
Not just bearable,
but faster where it matters
than the petrol.
And because of
all those torques, you have to
change gear less often.
And that makes it
more relaxing to drive.
I'm in the outside lane
of a British motorway
doing outside-lane-of-
British-motorway speeds
in my 1.4 diesel city car
and it's fine.
I have to say, I am impressed.
Painfully,
painfully impressed.
And we haven't even
got to the business
of fuel economy yet.
Right, that is now brimmed.
And the news
is frankly astonishing,
because this little
diesel here has done
75 miles to the gallon.
And the petrol only managed
42 miles to the gallon.
And that's a huge gulf.
So are the savings.
On just one lap of the M25,
119 miles,
I've saved £4.29p,
which I'm now going to go
and spend in the shop.
So, what did you spend
your £4.29 on then?
-I spent it on a cock.
-Let's have a look.
-Look at that!
-Oh, look.
-Gold with real crystals!
-I'll just... I'll just
share that with nation.
MAY: Do you know what?
That is so awful.
But if that had to be me,
I think I'd have had your
video and kept the change!
Well, the thing
that occurred to me
is if you went round the M25,
I don't know, there were
probably 20 of those
different statuettes things,
you could get the lot!
The producer says
if I go round again,
I can have a beaver!
-A golden beaver?
-A golden beaver.
Do you honestly think
I am going to put up
with a small diesel hatchback
just so that I can have
a golden cock?
Yes, almost certainly!
Listen, the thing is,
it is faster.
I promise you, James. I...
I promise you it isn't.
I organised a race
this morning, round the track,
in the wet.
The petrol Lupo
was six seconds quicker.
That is eternity
on a little track.
On the motorway 50-70,
you put your foot down
in the diesel.
And the bloke in the
petrol one's fishing around.
And also,
if I can just think back,
to when you were driving
that 5 Series.
You said you were driving
the 3-litre petrol,
you've driven
the 3-litre diesel,
and I'm quoting,
"And it was astonishing."
Yeah. The big 3-litre
BMW engine is astonishing,
as that Mercedes one
is that you drove, but
on a small hatchback, okay...
When you drive one of those
and it's a diesel, it says
three things about you.
One is, you're tighter
than two coats of paint.
The second one is,
that you care so much
about the environment
that you want to leave
a little protective
sooty film over it.
And the third one is,
you're probably French.
I've suddenly remembered
why I don't like
talking to you.
So, I'm going to go and talk
to my best friend,
the little one.
Now, we get thousands
of letters every week
sent here to
our Top Gear office.
And to be honest,
most of them we ignore.
Until recently,
we suddenly decided, well,
this is an untapped resource.
And we've spotted
a bit of a theme developing.
Absolutely.
We get 100 million letters
every week
from women complaining about
their man's love of cars.
This is true. We do.
We don't write
to Trinny and Susannah
on What Not to Wear
and complain about women
coming out of changing rooms
going, "This dress is perfect,
and I love the colour.
I'll try something else on".
No, we don't.
And yet...
Let me just share this one.
This is from Carina Bearman
of Swindon. And she says,
"In December last year,
I was expecting our baby.
I went into labour.
"We went to hospital.
My labour turned out
to be slow.
"And we sat
watching television
in the communal lounge area.
"Top Gear came on
as I started to get
painful contractions.
"My fiance, Darren, as always,
was glued to your programme,
"was oblivious
to the pain I was in.
"Occasionally
he turned to me and asked,
'All right?'
"And then turned back
to your programme
before I'd even responded.
"Only after Top Gear
had finished
did he pay any attention.
"We were able to
go back to my hospital room."
Yes. If you're going to
write a letter in,
try and have a point.
Or maybe something
contentious enough.
What's that about?
I have no idea.
This thing continues.
I've got one here, now.
Along the same sort of line.
"Hi, Jeremy!"
With an exclamation mark.
-That's me.
-Very irritating.
This is from Claire.
She signed it with a little X,
which is like a little kiss.
"My boyfriend has bought
a new Audi A3."
Fair enough.
"Now, he's driving me mad
with this new game he has,
"where he tries to
plip the remote locking
from as far away as possible."
"Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly.
In fact, if I'd say
if anything, he sounds like
a bit of an amateur.
Yeah. Because
it's how you do the plip
that matters.
Claire, I'm going to...
This is for your fella.
I'm going to show her
some moves here.
-Yeah.
-I've got some special...
This first one
is called the Bond.
And it's perhaps more of
a closing manoeuvre.
So, the car's there
and you walk away
from your car thus,
and then at the last minute
you turn and fire.
That's the...
It's a simple good one
to start with, I reckon.
-Keeping the range good.
-Yeah.
I quite like the High Shot.
If you could demonstrate that?
Well, the true High Shot
is that.
That's the High Shot
which we like very much.
Then there's a really good one
which is the "I've Lost My Car
in the Multi-storey."
Oh, that's also known
as the Lawn Sprinkler.
Like that.
-Just like that. Yes.
-Waiting for
the things to come up.
All this stuff
is being spoiled
by these things.
This is keyless entry, okay?
Now, they tell us,
that when you walk up
to the car,
if you got one of these
in your pocket,
the door is open. Okay?
So, I was walking up to
the car, opening the door,
thinking, "That's fine."
You get out, lock it
and you assume,
you walk away,
-it'll lock itself.
-It does, doesn't it?
Well, this is it. You got a
100,000 grand Merc. And you
think, "Is that locked?"
So you go back and it's open.
-And you think,
"Well, it would be."
-It's bound to be. Yeah.
So, you have to say
to passers-by, "Sorry,
could you just hold that?"
Then you go back,
and then you find out
it doesn't lock itself.
-Yeah.
-You have to push a button.
How uncool is that?
HAMMOND: That's very poor.
I must say
that I think
they're going the wrong way
with these sort of, paring...
-Love that back actually.
-...with these key cards.
Paring them down to nothing.
I think if they really
want to know their market
and appeal to,
let's be honest, us chaps,
they should go the other way
and make them more elaborate.
Getting back
to the original question
about range.
I was told something...
And you don't know this.
I was told something
this morning
which sounded astonishing.
So, I had to try it out.
I am now about 40 yards
from the back of my car
and the central locking
is still working fine.
But if I go back
another 10 or 15 yards to,
say, here.
We're out of range.
However, if I put the key
against my head like so
and try again.
Ha, ha!
It's working!
Doesn't work like that.
Does work.
What have I done to my head?
It does work.
It doubles the range,
pretty much.
It doubles the range,
that it works using your head.
Do you have to have
your mouth open?
No! It's just like
a big amplifier.
-It's scary.
-I just don't get that.
If you've got
the faintest idea
how that works,
please write to us at...
-Or about anything else.
-Yeah. I know.
If you've got any letters...
We'll do this every week.
Read them out
if they're interesting.
-Yes.
-We've got another letter
as well.
Oh, yes. I've got one here.
Hang on a second.
This one's come from afar.
It's actually coming
from Saudi.
Which is quite a long way
away. Hold on a second.
"Dear Jeremy.
My aim is to meet you..."
No. No. Read out
what it actually says.
"Dear..."
"Dear Superstar
Mr Jeremy Clarkson."
And just do the end as well.
-"Best luck to you, King."
-That'd be me.
What on Earth
is the man going on about?
It is rather difficult
to understand.
"My aim is to meet you.
And I send with this post,
a VCD,
"to show how I
and my friends driving."
It does get a little bit
difficult to follow.
But the video
that they sent in
is very easy to follow.
CLARKSON:
This is a Toyota Carina,
front-wheel drive.
HAMMOND: It is.
CLARKSON: So he must be
using the hand brake
to make it do this.
Into the oil tanker.
No, he just misses there!
Well done.
HAMMOND: Oh!
That's just madness!
He's in the street!
There are people there!
This man is insane.
CLARKSON:
This is the problem, you see.
This is what happens
when you don't
let people drink.
HAMMOND: What?
CLARKSON:
What's happened there?
-HAMMOND:
Oh, that's gonna go wrong.
-He's gone into the wall.
-HAMMOND:
That's gone very wrong.
-You see, a new car.
CLARKSON: So, you go out
and you convert your kebab
into a pavement pizza.
That's big trouble.
Then you have a fight,
then go home.
-Saudi Arabia looks to me
like a lot more fun.
-Yes.
-But that said,
you've had a laugh.
-I have.
Porsche GT3 on our track.
HAMMOND:
This shape is primeval,
part of the landscape.
And just as
a caveman got the jitters
when he saw the outline
of a sabre-tooth tiger,
I'm pre-programmed
to start shaking
when I see this.
So, which member
of the 911 species
is prowling around our track?
This is the GT3.
A Porsche that offers you less
so it can give you
so much more.
It's been stripped of
all creature comforts.
So, there's no sat nav,
there's no air-conditioning,
less soundproofing.
Even the carpets are thinner.
No fancy leather seats
in the front and
no seats at all in the back.
And it's all in the name
of saving weight.
It makes no apologies
for what it is.
So if you want a comfy ride,
get another car.
If you wanna be cool
on a hot day?
Get another car.
If you want height adjustment
on the seats, which I don't,
get another car.
But what they've left behind
is good stuff.
For instance,
look at the brakes.
The callipers are yellow,
not the usual Porsche red.
And they signify
something important.
The discs are ceramic.
Sounds like pottery,
but it means they can cope
with enormous punishment
without overheating
and fading.
And then, there's the engine.
Oh, yes, the engine.
It's hand-built from exotic
materials like titanium.
And it's probably
the most important part
of the car.
Which is good,
because it costs 40 grand.
Shame then
that you can't really see it.
It's in here somewhere.
Behind this
old washing machine.
And it staggers me
when I think where it is.
Still hanging out
over the edge at the back.
Now, technically
that's just wrong.
It's like building a pyramid
with the pointy bit
at the bottom.
It was daft idea
when they first did it
40 years ago.
And on paper,
it still is today.
That should be rubbish.
It should be up to
the usual old 911 tricks.
All that weight at the back
swinging round
like a big pendulum.
Ready to punish you
the first time
you run out of straight road.
And talent.
So, you'd think
that over the years they'd try
and inch the engine forwards.
I say, "Look at
our lovely new headlamps".
Meanwhile the engine's
coming towards the front.
But, no. German engineers
don't do U-turns.
So, it's still out there
at the back.
Wherever it is though,
what an engine!
Now, the figures
speak for themselves.
Naught to 60, 4.5 seconds,
top speed 190.
And for once, it's not scary
using all that power.
In the bad old days,
to try and counter
the handling problems,
Porsche tried
crude Heath Robinson measures.
They stuffed
the front bumper with lead
to try and balance it.
But none of it worked.
In the '70s and '80s,
the 911 was
the Grim Reaper's company car.
Huge crowds
would gather at roundabouts
to watch fat stockbrokers
climb trees in their Porches.
Nowadays though,
they're a little more
scientific.
They've mastered
the suspension and honed
and polished their car
until they're left with this
magnificent creation.
This is an amazing machine!
You can put it
where you want it and then
hold it in huge slides!
Don't worry,
I'm not gonna drift off.
Look, Ma, I'm going sideways!
Look at that!
The engine's at the wrong end.
Yeah. So what?
Sure, it's a flaw.
But it's a flaw
like Cindy Crawford's mole.
JLo's enormous buttocks.
It's become
its defining feature.
It's the whole point
of the car.
The GT3 is final
and absolute proof
that evolution works.
And after 40 years,
this isn't just good.
This is the best 911 ever.
Do you know, that's it?
That has made up my mind.
I'm convinced.
I'm gonna go
straight home tonight,
rip the back seats
and all the carpets
out my old 911
and turn it into a mini
one of these.
It's fantastic!
That won't work. You'll just
end up with an upturned
bathtub with no seats in it.
HAMMOND: You are a
cuckoo job.
However, I've driven this
this year, and you know
I'm a bit of a Ferrari man.
Footballer!
Yeah. This was the best car
I've driven all year, GT3.
I never thought
I'd say that of a 911.
I adored it.
I'm glad to hear you say.
It is absolutely fantastic.
But, of course, there is
just one test left for it.
The Stig.
Now, before we sent him off
to HMS Invincible, which we'll
see in a short while,
as a bit of practise,
because it is bucketing
out there,
we sent him out
on the track in this.
So, schnell, schnell,
Herr Stigbacher!
HAMMOND: And he's off!
Now, the track surface
was soaking.
Look at that spray!
So this is gonna be
very lively out there.
Be careful, Stig. Steady.
HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
Stig's sucking up to
Martin Kemp I think.
Shameless.
Now, we go round Chicago.
And look, he really is...
He really is having to work
to keep the GT3
in check here.
Going to be going
into the Hammerhead.
Now, this could be
the biggest test so far.
You can actually see
the front end lifting
under the power.
This is not a day
for a rear engine car at all!
Definitely not a day for
a rear engine car out there.
That is so difficult
in the wet!
Blasting out
of the Follow Through...
No, he's gonna lose it!
Hang on there,
Stiggy!
-Look at that.
Not even
breaking into a sweat.
The last two bends now.
Is he going to
keep it off the grass?
Tidy. Tidy through Gambon
at the end.
And across the line in...
Now, this is important.
Wet track.
The fastest wet lap
we've ever had so far
is a 911 Turbo,
which of course
has four-wheel drive.
This doesn't.
And it did it in?
I cannot believe this.
In the wet, 1:27.2.
That's just... Look at that!
That's faster than an Evo VIII
in the dry! That's a...
If that had been dry,
I don't wanna even think
what it would've done it in.
-No.
-That's gotta be...
-Anyway,
after that momentous drive...
-Yeah?
...he went off
and he joined the Navy.
HMS Invincible.
20,000 tonnes of
aircraft carrier and home to
a fleet of Harrier Jump Jets.
This plane
goes from naught to 60
in 2.8 seconds.
And it's hitting
100 miles an hour
by the time it reaches the end
of the 200-metre runway.
And that has given The Stig
his biggest challenge yet,
100 miles an hour
in 200 metres.
Obviously, he needed
a special kind of vehicle.
And this is it.
The old Top Gear Jag.
Bought for
a couple of hundred quid,
it was stripped of its fat
and fitted
with nitrous injection.
That meant
500 brake horsepower.
In a drag race
in the last series,
it beat just about
every supercar on the planet.
But is it enough here?
Top Gun versus Top Gear.
100 miles an hour
in 200 metres
and, unlike the pilot,
The Stig must
leave himself enough space
to pull up again.
He's ready.
And he's off. There we go.
Now, he's has to get to 100
and then stop again.
Here we go.
That's too fast!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Uh... That was not
supposed to happen.
And that is unquestionably
the end of our Jaguar.
But what about The Stig?
That is all that was there.
The Navy divers went down,
but they
couldn't find anything.
So, tune in next week
and we'll bring you
up to speed with whatever
developments have happened.
See you then. Good night.