Top Gear (2002–…): Season 22, Episode 5 - May And Clarkson Look At The Weird And Wonderful History Of Peugeot - full transcript

'Tonight - the new Porsche
Cayman on our track.'

'The Ferrari, the Ferrari at
the limit in Italy, Italy.'

'And an old Peugeot
goes past some goats.'

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, good evening, thank you
so much, everybody, thank you!

Thanks very much, everyone.

Now, every few years Chevrolet
introduces a new Corvette,

and they always say this is the
best sports car in America.

And you go, yes, in the same way that

I'm the best-dressed
presenter on Top Gear.



Which, actually, as you'll
see later on, I am.

Anyway, the truth is no Corvette
has ever been a match for

the best that Europe can do.

And it looks like it's much
the same story with this,

the latest model.

But is it?

Well, Richard Hammond
has been finding out.

'To me, Corvettes have
always looked great.

'And for this one, the
seventh generation,

'they really have pulled
out all the stops.'

Ohhh!

Oh, yah.

Ohhhh!

Oh, no. Gets worse.



They've even brought back

the Stingray badge from the
classic Corvettes of the '60s.

I'd say that was job done.

'Except it isn't, because
there's more.'

We have a 6.2 litre V8,

460 horsepower and the
same number in torque,

which means in any
gear, at any speed,

you put your foot down...

.. and stuff happens!

HE LAUGHS

There's the noise!

There's the shove in the back.

'0-60 is all over in
less than four seconds.

'Top speed - 190.'

HE LAUGHS

Why do the oaf and the bore
not get what's going on here?

I mean, James May likes a car
that makes his fizzy bit fizz.

This'd put a SodaStream
in his grundies.

'The Vette costs £65,000,

'which might sound like a lot

'until you compare it to its rivals
from this side of the pond.'

To get a Jaguar F Type V8,
you'll need another 20,000.

An Audi R8 V8, another 30,000.

A 911 V8, well, you can't.
There's no such thing.

But to get close to the
same power in a 911

you'll need another £25,000.

In fact, if you're looking
for a European sports car

for the same money,

you're looking at this.

'It's the latest version
of the 911's baby brother,

'the Porsche Cayman GTS.'

But here's the thing - even
though the Cayman costs

about the same as the Corvette,
when it comes to power difference,

the gulf between them is wide
enough to swallow a supertanker.

An American supertanker.

This has 336 brake horsepower,
compared to the Corvette's 460.

And this has 185 fewer torques.

'All of which means it's absolutely
pointless having a drag race.'

We're going to do it anyway because
we are intelligent and thorough.

Three, two, one, go!

'And there we are.

'As I said, absolutely pointless.'

But here's the thing.

In its own right, the Cayman GTS is
a small but magnificent little thing.

Pitch-perfect engineering.

Total precision.

It just feels lithe, nimble,
compact, all those words,

balance, poise,
predictability, tractability,

all those good, lovely, yummy
things. It's got them all.

The perfect example of exactly what
a European sports car should be.

'It's a crushing demonstration
of what's possible,

'what good engineering should be.

'And why Europe, not America,

'has always been where you
turn for proper sports cars.'

So here we are -

at that point in the test where,
traditionally, I'd say,

"The Corvette looks brilliant,
great value, lots of fun, but..."

And then I'd do a deep sigh.

HE SIGHS

Sadly, in the company of the Porsche,

the Corvette simply can't hack it.

Then we'd play some sad music and
I'd say, "Back to the studio."

'But no. This time we're not
going back to the studio.

'We're going back to the Corvette,

'because this is no longer
some hillbilly hot rod.

'It's got suspension
made of carbon fibre.

'It has seat frames crafted
from ultra-light magnesium.

'It has different driving modes,
like you get in a Ferrari,

'and that big shouty V8 can
shut down half its cylinders

'to make it more economical.'

Previous Corvette underbodies were
really not very far from that.

But this is an all-new hi-tech
bonded aluminium affair that

manages to be lighter and stiffer.

Best of all is that it was developed
at the Nurburgring, not Nashville.

'This means that the cornering is...'

Well, it's a bit of an event!

All this power, all this bigness,
but it's still essentially tameable.

Remember when you had
a pet elephant as a kid?

It's like that.

It is Sweet Home Alabama, it's
cowgirls in denim shorts...

Yes! It's everything
I wanted it to be!

'But what it is more is a
match for the Europeans.'

Let's be quite clear here.

It's not like the Corvette has
lost all of its redneck charm.

If the Porsche is a laboratory
full of laser beams,

this is a Wild West saloon.

But you don't have to apologise
for it. You don't have to say,

"Well, at least it's cheap,"
or, "It's the best they can do."

It simply is good.

In fact, it's the best sports
car ever to come out of America,

and for once, you can't follow
that up with a joke.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's a good car.

It is annoying.

That is annoying, because for
the second time this series,

I agree with you. Actually,
the second time in my LIFE

~ I agree with you.
~ Right, you're not going to
call me Billy Bob Hammond?

No, and nor am I going
to mention that jacket.

No, no, I know, I know you want
me to but I'm not going to.

What I'm actually going
to do is ask you this.

Which one of these
two would you have?

Uh, you see, that's actually
really difficult

cos they are both epic to drive.

~ They are.
~ You can't argue with that.

But, I don't know, I don't think
the Porsche looks very good.

~ It looks dowdy.
~ It does, so I'd have the Corvette.

The trouble is with the
Corvette, though, is

you don't have to apologise
for it, as you said,

but you would have to explain it.
You'd have to go around saying,

"Oh, it's got magnesium seats
and carbon fibre suspension,"

or everyone would just think
you were a dreadful show-off.

Yeah, it would be like taking a lap
dancer home to meet your mother.

You'd have to say, "No,
she's got A-Levels!"

You're absolutely right.

So what we've got here is a choice
between a slightly dirty librarian

and a clever lap dancer.

So let's see which is the
fastest round our track.

Of course, that means handing them
over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that his favourite
flower is the potato,

and that even though he's now
seen Fifty Shades of Grey,

he still thinks BDSM
is a driving school.

All we know is he's called the Stig!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'And they're off! Two
confident starts there.

'The Porsche is mid-engine,
the Corvette has a transaxle.

'Both clearly had good
traction off the line.

'It's the scalpel versus the hammer,
flying through the first corner.

'And, oh, wow, it's the
Porsche that's sliding!

MUSIC: "Close To You"
by the Carpenters

'Seems to be reversing
round in the Corvette.

'Right through Chicago,

'again it's the Cayman that's
kicking its tail out.

'Shock and awe Chevy
completely under control!

'This is the real test,
of course, Hammerhead.

'Yep, Corvette gets
a bit of a slide on

'as the Stig unleashes
a 460 horsepower drift!

'Right, follow through.

'Porsche needs some corrective lock
on the way in, that's a surprise.

'OK, now we're coming up. Just
two corners left, braking hard,

'no dramas from either side
of the Atlantic, into Gambon.

'Yes, the Cayman's sliding
again! And across the line!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

~ Right.
~ Yeah.

I have the times here.

The pantyless Porsche librarian -

1:21.6.

~ So, not bad, same as an Audi R8 V10.
~ That's quick, yeah.

~ But...
~ HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

.. the clever lap dancer...

~ 1:19.8.
~ No way! That's...!

Look at that, same as
a Porsche Carrera GT.

That is a seriously fast car.

There's been a disturbance
in the Force!

Something weird's happening.

Anyway, the news, and
we start with this,

the new Ford Focus RS.

That has 320 horsepower from
a 2.3 litre turbocharged engine.

And, most important,
this, four-wheel drive.

You know what this is, don't you?

~ Mm-mm.
~ This is the return of the Escort Cosworth.
~ Yeah.

Happy days!

It is, I'm excited, but it won't
be as good as a Fiesta ST.

~ Well, it will.
~ No, it won't!
~ It will!

~ The Fiesta's...!
~ 320 horsepowers!

I know but it's about purity
of experience in a hot hatch.

That comes, apparently, according
to one source in America

~ with a drift button.
~ A what?

Drift button, push that,
even he'll be able to drift.

~ What, you push that and it just drifts?
~ Yes.

I don't want to drift.

~ Yes, you do!
~ I don't. Drifting is for the unintelligent.

It isn't!

It's a mating ritual. Girls love it!

Yeah, he's right.

No, it is, it's like
having a massive tail.

LAUGHTER

It's just me -

in Ross-on-Wye.

Ooh, now, you know Apple, makers
of computers and, um, telephones?

~ Yes.
~ Apparently they're working on a car.

~ Really?
~ Yes.
~ Does it come with predictive steering?

That's never going to work, is it?

It is... No, I'm not sure that
it will work, cos every time

you get in it, it will say,
"What's your iTunes password?"

And then it'll make you have
one that you can't remember.

And then it'll go wrong,
and you'll ring them up

and they'll say, "Oh, it's your
fault, you're holding it wrong."

And then one day it'll send

a picture of your bosoms
to the internet.

LAUGHTER

You're right about
the, um, passwords,

cos Apple iTunes the
other day said to me,

"You must change your password,
it's far too easy to guess."

And I thought, how's anybody ever
going to guess it's "Carrot29?"

~ I mean, that's...
~ Now, I tell you what,

there's a general election
coming up, you may have heard.

~ Is there?
~ Yes, there is, even in Wales.

And, um, and a lot
of people are saying,

"Oh, I can't be bothered
to get involved,

"and all politicians are the same
and all the parties are the same."

So we thought, I wonder if we
could decide who to vote for,

on what the leaders drive.

~ Great idea.
~ Very good idea.

It is, so I've managed
to find it out.

It's not been easy but we've done it.

Now, David Cameron, who runs the
Conservative Party, OK, he...

Well, he doesn't actually have a car,

but the family car
is a Honda CRV, OK?

Nick Clegg has a Ford Galaxy.

~ Oh, dear.
~ Eurgh.
~ Shocking car.

Ed Miliband has a
Lamborghini Aventador.

Does he?

LAUGHTER

~ I was lying. He's got a
turquoise green Ford Focus.
~ Oh.

Nigel Farage, guess what he drives?

~ A Jag.
~ Yeah, it will be.

~ A Jag!
~ Jag!
~ Anybody else?

Anybody want to hazard a guess,
what Nigel Farage drives.

~ AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS
~ A what?

~ Bentley!
~ A Bentley, could be.

~ M3.
~ M3?

You are aware of Ukip,
are you, and their...?

LAUGHTER

Nigel Farage drives a Volvo V70.

~ Does he?
~ Really?

He drives an immigrant.

LAUGHTER

~ Nicola Sturgeon.
~ Who?

Nicola Sturgeon.

~ SNP, Scottish.
~ Oh, THAT Nicola Sturgeon!

~ Yes, Hammond, that Nicola Sturgeon.
~ What about her?

~ May, have a guess.
~ Oh, I know, uh, a McLaren.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Nicola Sturgeon doesn't drive.

~ What, in Scotland?
~ I know, I don't understand.

How do you get around in Scotland,
if you haven't got a car?

No idea, anyway, she doesn't.

Leanne Wood, that's your
lot, Welsh, Plaid Cay-mru!

Er, an ox.

LAUGHTER

Volkswagen Passat.

Oh, god, I hate the Passat!

Natalie Bennett from the Green Party?

Oh, a Lamborghini LM002.

We've got a picture of one
of those, I think, somewhere.

~ Yes, there it is.
~ That's the one.

You think that the Green
Party boss drives that?

~ Yeah, does she?
~ You're absolutely right.

~ Am I?
~ Yeah, she doesn't.
~ Oh.

No, she doesn't have
one of those, weirdly.

She doesn't own a car but she
is a member of a car club.

Is it the Dodge Charger Owners' Club?

~ Weirdly, James, it isn't.
~ Do they do track days?

The thing is, right,
all these leaders,

every single one of them has
a rubbish car, every single one.

~ Yeah.
~ And I know why.

It's cos they all want to be seen
as a man, or a woman, of the people.

~ Yes, I suspect it is.
~ Yeah, but, yeah, but
you can be seen as a man,

or a woman, of the people, but
still drive an interesting car.

Yeah, you could have a Fiesta
ST. That's a nice car.

Would we vote for somebody
who had a Ford Fiesta ST?

I would, immediately.

I would immediately.

~ What?
~ No.

~ You wouldn't.
~ Why not?

What would you vote for, someone
who's interested in the NHS(?)

No, somebody's who's
interested in Formula 1.

You'd vote for someone,
irrespective of policies,

~ if they were interested in Formula 1?
~ Yes.

Are you watching this, Mr Cameron
and Miliband and Clegg?

This is what's going to
win a massive audience.

Who here would vote for someone
who was interested in Formula 1?

~ CROWD: Yes!
~ There you go, 100% of the
British people want you to be

interested in Formula 1!

Uh, now, I came down here this
morning in a Volkswagen Golf GTi.

It's what I'm using this week,
absolutely fabulous car.

Yeah, very good, not as good as
the Fiesta ST, but it is good.

It is, except for one thing. It's
got a really annoying thing on it.

Has anyone got a Golf at the
moment with its eco tips?

~ You get the...
~ I do.

How annoying are they?

You're driving along and every
now and again it'll just flash up

a little message on the
dashboard, it goes,

"Why not wind your window
up? Be more aerodynamic."

Cos I want to get some fresh air.

"Why not change up a
gear? It'll be more..."

"Why not, why not shut up," is what
you want to say to it all the time.

It drives you... I'd go mad with it!

If I worked at VW, in their
software department thing,

I'd put some messages in
there but with a time thing,

so that it didn't appear until
after I'd retired, really.

You'd be driving along,
and it would say,

"Wind the window up. Why not slow
down a bit? Why not change up?"

Then it would suddenly just say,

"Why don't you go
and boil your head?"

But it would only say it once,

so you wouldn't be sure
if you'd actually seen it.

And then another time
you'd be driving,

it might be three years later. You'd
be driving along, and it would say,

"Wind your window up, change gear."

Then it would suddenly go,
"You've wasted your life."

But you'd only see
that once, you see.

That would really freak drivers out!

It could suddenly just say,

"Your wife's had an affair
with the bloke next door."

And you'd get to the dealer
and say, "It said that!"

And he'd say, "No, it didn't,
it can't have said that."

It didn't, it can't have done.

But the thing is, though,
it would take Volkswagen

a long time to work out.

Then they would have
to call you up and say,

"Mr May, step into my office."

Ah, but I've retired. I'm
dribbling in an old folks' home

laughing at people
who bought VW Golfs.

Now, I have one more piece of...

I think, ladies and gentlemen,
you're going to enjoy this.

The mayor of Bristol, OK,

he announced fairly recently
that he was going to allocate

£2.3 million of public money

which will be spent on 13,000 signs

saying that there will a 20mph speed
limit across the whole of Bristol.

This is the mayor.

He's just been caught speeding.

LAUGHTER

I think we should all take a moment
to compose our faces appropriately.

~ Yeah.
~ I'm going to go for serious
and disapproving.

Oh, no! How did...? Oh...

He actually said, afterwards, he
commends Avon and Somerset police

for being so vigilant
in catching him.

I bet he didn't say that when the
letter came through the post box.

Right, let's move on.

Now, last year McLaren gave
us the astonishing P1,

and Porsche gave us the
equally fantastic 918.

But we've always known that there
is another hybrid supercar coming.

Well, it's not coming any more.

It's here, it's the one you've
all been waiting for,

and I have been driving it -

The Ferrari, the Ferrari!

'McLaren and Porsche may believe
they've created good-looking cars

'in the P1 and the 918.

'But I think they need to get
their pencil cases out again,

'because THIS is what a supercar
should look like.'

And THIS is what a supercar
should sound like!

ENGINE ROARS

No miserable V8s or puny
little turbochargers -

THAT is Ferrari's Greatest Hit!

The sound of 12 cylinders
properly arranged in a V.

Molte grazie!

And then there's the price.

LaFerrari has the other
two licked there, as well.

The Porsche 918, £646,000.

The McLaren V1, £866,000.

The LaFerrari?

A million pounds!

That's a proper price!

No muckin' about!

'And there's more.'

Pinky and Perky have been
at great pains to explain

just how clever the McLaren
and the Porsche are.

Well, this is also very clever.

It's built from not one,

but four different
types of carbon fibre

to keep it as light as possible.

In fact, it's lighter than
the Porsche OR the McLaren.

The driver's seat is fixed,

and, instead, it's the wheel
and pedals that move.

This means you don't
need a seat mechanism,

which means the driver can sit
lower, the roof can be lower,

and that drops the
centre of gravity...

to the benefit of cornering.

Then, we come to the engine.

Like the McLaren and the Porsche,
LaFerrari is a hybrid -

it has a petrol engine AND an electric
motor to drive the wheels.

BUT... whereas the other two can
be driven on electric power alone,

like a Toyota Prius, the Ferrari
can't, because, Ferrari say,

"We are not interested
in electric cars."

Instead, the battery and
electric motor combination

works a bit like the kinetic energy
recovery system in an F1 car.

In very simple terms, it captures
energy that's normally wasted -

during braking, for example - and
keeps it for when you need it.

The electric motor,
the petrol engine -

they're all working together,
all of the time.

You cannot separate them.

This is simply a 950
horsepower supercar.

But, despite the racing technology,

you don't find yourself in a world
of austere track-car misery.

You've got the sat nav,

the air conditioning...

It's perfectly comfortable.

Actually, it's very civilised.

However, this is also supposed
to be the fastest

and most exciting road car

Ferrari has ever made.

And to find out how exciting,
we must come here...

Ferrari's Fiorano test track.

To Prancing Horse fans,
this is the sacred tarmac

where the company's greatest
F1 cars were born.

But when I rolled up, "sacred"
wasn't the word that came to mind.

THUNDER

Oh, cock!

'After two hours of dithering
on the start line...'

Pedals a little bit further away.

WHIRRING

No, that's too far away. Hang on.

WHIRRING

'.. the track was finally dry
enough for me to have a go.'

Red, red, red, red...

God's holy trousers!

Strewth! I'm already
at the first bend.

Lots of brakes.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is 950 horsepower for you!

And while we're at it,

950 horsepower is a slam-dunk
Top Trump over the other two.

And so is the top speed - 218mph.

'But it's not just the amount
of horsepower that's impressive,

'it's the way it's served up.'

Even if you're a bit
clumsy or a bit timid,

as I am being on this one,

you've still got that enormous grunt.

It just hits you like
a runaway train.

That's the KERS system working.

That's exactly what it's for.

'On top of that, Ferrari
has remembered

'that not everyone
who'll drive this car

'will be called Sebastian or Vettel.'

Because LaFerrari will go quite
a lot faster than you can think,

Ferrari do quite a lot
of thinking for you.

It has for example a
very, very sophisticated

traction control system
based on Formula 1 tech,

and you can leave it turned on.

Why not?

Stops you crashing.

LaFerrari also bristles
with active aerodynamics.

That's not new on a supercar,

but this system is controlled
by 21 computers...

which means, according
to the Ferrari eggheads,

even I should be able to take
Fiorano's notorious Turn 7...

.. flat out.

Active aerodynamics - here we go.

Don't bottle it, don't bottle it!

Oh-ho-ho-hoo...!

It works! Look at that!

The faster you go,
the better it works!

I mean, like Jennifer's McLaren,

it is pure rear-wheel drive,

and that's quite intimidating,
but it's not a widowmaker.

Ah-ha-ha-ha...!

Oh, my God!

Oh, yes!

Wahey! (Sorry!)

Right, let's just slow
this down a bit.

Richard Hammond, he
says the Porsche 918 -

that's the one that takes the
hybrid supercar the furthest.

It's the most responsible,
if you like.

Jeremy likes the P1 because he says

it takes an idea that was
essentially an environmental one

and uses it to make the
supercar more dramatic.

'In this respect, the Ferrari
is more like the McLaren.'

Except for two things...

LaFerrari looks better...

and I reckon it IS better.

This is the greatest
car in the world!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, now there we are.

Here we are.

Now you may remember last year,

after Hammond had driven
the Porsche I said to him,

that if it turned out to be faster
around our track than the McLaren

I would change my name
by deed poll to Jennifer -

you remember that?

~ Oh, yeah. You said that.
~ ALL: Yes!

And now we have James May telling us,

rather bumptiously, I think,

because he hasn't driven
the McLaren or the Porsche,

that the Ferrari is best.

So, who here would like
to see which of these cars

is the fastest round our track?

EVERYONE: Yes!

So would we.

So would Porsche.

But we have a problem.

McLaren has said that we can't
do the test at our track.

What?

Well, hang on - our track
is also McLaren's track.

~ That's where they developed this car.
~ Yes, I know,

and because I know that,
I also know that they know

that the twiddly bits at
the Hammerhead, and so on,

will favour the four-wheel
drive system of the Porsche.

All right, we'll do it
at a different track.

Well, that brings us on
to the second problem.

Ferrari has spent the
last six months saying,

"No, we don't want to do it, at all.

"Cos we're not interested in
speed, or 0-60, or lap times..."

Really(?)

That's what they've been saying,
but... I kid you not, they have.

But in the last couple of weeks
or so, they've started to soften

and say, "Well, maybe
we can lend you a car."

Well, there you go then. Game on.

No, see, there's another problem.

McLaren is saying they
will only do this

if all of the cars are customer cars,

they're production cars
that have been sold - yes?

They don't want them turning up with
sticky tyres and 17 turbos on them.

Ferrari is saying they'll only do it

if the cars DO come direct
from the factory.

Well, all right, then.

We'll find someone who has a Ferrari
a Ferrari, and borrow it.

I know someone who has one.

So do I, James. They've covered
us on that one, I'm afraid.

Ferrari has actually said, to us,

that if any Ferrari owner

lends us a Ferrari a Ferrari,

they will make sure that
person can never ever buy

a limited edition Ferrari ever again.

~ AUDIENCE MURMURING
~ I kid you not!

~ Ridiculous...!
~ I kid you not.

I've never heard anything like this.

Pony club mothers have got NOTHING
on the people who make these cars!

~ AUDIENCE LAUGHS
~ Nothing!

It doesn't make any sense! If I built
any of these cars - any of them -

the first thing I'd want to do

is see how fast they were
compared to the others.

That's what they're for!

Honestly, if I were a teacher and I
had McLaren and Ferrari in my class,

I would box their ears!

I'd say, "Go and see the headmaster
and come back when you've grown up."

~ Look.
~ What?

They are here, the track's
there... Let's just do it!

Yes, James. They're here
and they're locked

and those two security
guards have been provided,

to make sure we don't just take them
out on the track after the show.

~ You're kidding?
~ I am not kidding.

So, this is it? It ends here,
it's not gonna happen?

No, no, no, no. We're not giving up.

We've actually heard this week
of a man in the Middle East

who owns one of each of these cars,

and he may be willing
to lend them to us.

Well, there you go. Give him a call.

He's called Bin Laden.

LAUGHTER

I'm not kidding, he is.

What, as in... Bin Laden?

No, he's dead. It was definitely
on the news. I saw that.

He's a cousin of that one.

Well, you can't judge
a man by his cousin.

You're absolutely right,
Hammond. You can't.

~ But things go wrong on
Top Gear, yes? All the time.
~ Yeah.

Do you want to make the call -

"Hello, Mr Bin Laden. I've just crashed
your Porsche into your Ferrari"?

I don't want to make that
call, you're right. No.

So here we are, we haven't done it,
but we're not going to give up.

OK, in fact, what we're hoping -

and I hope you all
hope the same thing -

is that, on Monday morning,

we get a call from Ferrari
and from McLaren saying -

"You know what, let's do this thing."
Do you want to hear that?

~ AUDIENCE: Yes!
~ "Let's just do this thing."
~ Come on!

APPLAUSE

Anyway, it is now time...

It's now time to move on

and put a Star in a
Reasonably Priced Car.

In fact, all week, we've
had people ringing me up

saying, "How on earth are you going
to top Will Smith, from last week -

"star of I Am Legend
and Hancock and so on?"

Well, that is easy, because
tonight, we have, as my guest,

the runner-up in the 2009
X Factor competition.

Ladies and gentlemen, Olly Murs!

~ What's happening?
~ Good evening.

~ Jeremy.
~ How are you?
~ Good to see you, how are you?

~ Very well. How's things?
~ Hello! Good, thanks.

~ He's here!
~ Ah.
~ Have a seat.

It's a pleasure. Wow.

Now, I know that was a slightly
mean introduction,

but actually, being a
runner-up in X Factor

is better than winning it.

Oh, I... yeah, I suppose it is.

But, um, obviously I wanted to win
the show, I'm Mr Competitive - so.

I know, but if you win X Factor,

what, you end up back
in Homebase in a week.

~ OLLY LAUGHS
~ Or on a cruise liner.

Yeah, but I think it's lucky, no matter
where you finish on the show -

you don't know where you'll finish.

I thought after about a year
or two I'd probably be,

you know, in a call
centre again, so...

Cos it is - I'm just thinking,
One Direction came second.

~ Yeah... no...
~ JLS came second.

Oh, no, One Direction finished
third, JLS finished second.

I'd be standing there, at the end,
judging on the facts and figures,

going, "Please don't let me
win, please don't let me win."

Cos then I'll be successful,
like you, cos...

Oh, cheers, thank you.

How successful - how many
albums have you sold now?

~ Um...
~ 10 million?

No, it's 10 million
in total, but, um...

~ That's a lot.
~ For singles and everything.

I think the albums, about
three million, I think?

~ That's a lot of albums these days.
~ Well, I'm delighted, yeah.

I mean, it's not really
an album market so, um...

No, I'm delighted that everyone's
been buying my album, so thank you.

And what did you do then before
singing to Simon Cowell?

I was just working in a call centre.
I was giving people advice

on how to save money
on their energy bills.

So you were living in Bombay?

LAUGHTER

No - no, no this was
just in Witham in Essex.

~ You are an Essex boy?
~ Essex boy, yeah.

~ Yeah.
~ Through and through, yeah.
~ And not just an Essex boy,

but we are talking about a
major petrolhead, are we not?

100%, yeah - love my cars.

I'd say that before I was famous
and got into this, you know,

I didn't have the most glamorous car.

What was your first car?

My first car was a Fiat Ciquento.

LAUGHTER

~ I think it's Cinquecento.
~ Cinquecento.

Which of course was made
famous by The Inbetweeners.

Exactly - there it is.

I've still got that, that's
still at my house.

~ Is that actually yours?
~ It's still mine, yeah.
~ Oh, wow.

Do you know what, though?
I spent more money...

That car cost me 895 quid
and I spent, I think,

950 quid on the sound system for it.

So I could bowl round Essex -

"Hey, what's happening?
All right, boys?"

I'm presuming as well if you'd
won X Factor and you got that,

there would've been a few
trouser-related incidents in that.

Oh, God, yeah. Well, the one...

Oh, God.

My fans will tell you I'm
always ripping my trousers.

I... I was at work one day -

I was actually working
in recruitment then.

And, um... I was just
lifting some boxes,

about 10 o'clock in the day,
I moved down to lift the boxes

and I ripped all the backend
of me trousers out.

And I want to go home.
So I got in my car

and I've drummed out of the car park,

I've just turned round the corner,
got up towards the traffic lights.

And I've just gone to
put my seat belt on.

All of a sudden, the police car's just
come round the corner, seen me do that

and pulled... and gone in behind me.

~ And I'm like, "Oh,
~ BLEEP."

So then I drove to Tesco's car
park, pulled over, then got out.

And obviously I'm stood there,
in the middle of Tesco car park

at lunchtime, with all
me bits hanging out.

Oh, it was so embarrassing!
They gave me...

I think they gave me
a £60 fine or something.

Oh, you got a £60 fine
for having your...?

LAUGHING: No, no - they probably
could have got me done for that!

~ Oh, the seat belt.
~ For the seat belt.

Well, who here would
like to see Olly's lap?

CROWD: Yeah!

Play the tape.

CHEERING, MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, I was...

OLLY LAUGHS

Oh...

~ APPLAUSE
~ Sorry, mate.

That was a gig, a lap on a lap.

I didn't have time to
prepare myself then -

I actually thought that was the
lap, so I was like, "Phew!"

No, that...well, it was your lap,
but not the lap we're talking about.

~ Presumably, now that the
Fiat is parked up somewhere...
~ Yeah.

.. you've gone on,
as a car enthusiast,

to buy something a little bit
more, I don't know, starry.

No - well, yeah, no,
I went for a few BMWs

and then I decided, I was like,

"You know what? I'm going to go big."

So I went and got myself
a Bentley Continental GT.

Oh - now, that's an interesting car,
actually. Which one have you got?

It's just a Continental GT V8.

That's correct.

~ Yes. OK.
~ Because there's so many mines
you can tread on on your way.

~ It's not a convertible, is it?
~ No.
~ No.

You see, I think the convertible
makes you look stupid.

Yeah, cos whenever you
see a convertible Bentley,

people've always got,
like, the bright blue,

or it's in bright red
or it's white or...

~ And they've got an orange face.
~ Yeah.
~ And you're in Cheshire.

~ Or Essex.
~ Or Essex.

LAUGHTER

Anyway - now you came down here,
cos interestingly, we have had

a slight problem with The Stig today.

I mean, this is not a word of a lie.

We had Will Smith here last
week, as you probably know.

The Stig had never heard of him.

~ Shut up!
~ Kiefer Sutherland, a couple of weeks ago -

never heard of him.

There was Ed Sheeran,
week one - no idea.

~ He doesn't know who anyone is.
~ Wowsers.

He came here this
morning - Olly Murs,

he's completely in love with you.

Nah!

LAUGHTER

The Stig, you are his - apart
from The Carpenters, obviously -

his absolute favourite artist.

You know what, can I just say this?

I don't know if people want
to know this information,

but I'm delighted with it - I went...

I walked into the toilet
to have... you know.

He was in there.

~ Have you seen his penis?
~ Well, no, well...

He was wearing his helmet
still, so it wasn't...

He wasn't... he wasn't...

I thought he was going to be holding
his helmet, but I suppose...

LAUGHTER

This is all big news!

But wait, wait...

Well, my best ever celebrity
story was, um...

You can't top that!

It was another toilet incident with
Gary Barlow which... which was...

~ IMITATES GARY BARLOW:
~ Absolutely fantastic, yeah.

But now I've gone to the... I've
been in the toilet with the Stig,

it's pretty amazing.

~ Anyway...
~ Yes.

It was... presumably, you went out
in the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line.

~ Yes.
~ Many laps, many practices?

Loved it, did a few, quite
a few practices, really.

I was giving it some, like,
"Come on!" I could feel it.

You know when you get to the
end, you're like, "Come on!"

Would you like to see the
real, actual lap in a car?

~ CROWD: Yeah!
~ Here we go, let's have a look.

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH

We're away.

Come on, baby.

Purr with me!

You're looking like
Val Kilmer in there.

Oh, yeah, that's aggressive turning.

Same line that Ricciardo was
using the other day, very good.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina... ♪

Don't sing that here.

There we are, nicely done through...

Sorry for my language, Mum, I
apologise, didn't mean to swear.

You haven't sworn.

~ Right, you've gotta
~ BLEEP
~ do this!

No, you have sworn now.
That was swearing there.

OK, that's about as perfect
as it comes, that is.

As is that.

No real understeer,
that's good to see.

70...

80...

Yep, flat through there.

~ Yeah, I felt... I felt
good going through there.
~ Yeah.

I got into fourth gear just
as I got to the tyres.

~ That's what you...
~ This was the bend.

This is the - oh, look
at it squirming there,

that is nicely held.

It's a good chassis, that, but
you're getting the best out of it.

and that is bob-on as well.

There we are, across the line!

Ah!

So there we go.

Where do you think you've
come, on the board?

My aim was 1.46 - I just wanted to...

You wanted to beat Hugh Jackman.

~ 1.46 is an ambitious...
~ I know.
~ Very ambitious.

Oh, God, put me out of my misery.

As long as I've beaten Jack, that's
all I care about, come on.

~ Everybody could beat Jack.
~ I can't look - tell me when.

Stevie Wonder next week
- he's going to beat Jack.

LAUGHTER

You did a one...

.. 40...

You want me to say "six", don't you?

I'm going to say four.

AUDIENCE GASPS

No!

So actually, you're up there
with only Aaron Paul,

~ as in Breaking Bad, on 1.44.7.
~ Shut up.

~ LAUGHTER
~ He's on a seven.

So if it's lower than seven,
you're the fastest ever.

It's six.

YES! Come on!

You did it!

Get in! Oh, my God!

~ That's the fastest we've ever had.
~ Whoo!

The fastest man in all of the world!

Olly Murs!

I didn't... I didn't
finish runner-up!

~ That is the fastest we've ever had.
~ Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Olly Murs - the fastest
man ever round our track!

Oh, thanks, Jeremy.

Now, there are many truly
great car companies,

all with rich,
magnificent histories -

there's Ferrari, Jaguar,
Lancia, Maserati

and so on and so on.

Yes, indeed, but tonight, James and I

are going to look at the history
of the most brilliant,

most inventive car
company of them all -

Peugeot.

For thousands of years,
there was only one way

of crossing this spartan landscape

in the vast, dusty
heat of North Africa.

This was it.

It was used by the Greeks,
the Romans, the Berbers,

the Phoenicians, the Vandals,
the Arabs, the Carthaginians,

the Ottomans, the French,
the Tuareg, the Italians

and the British.

But then, in 1968,

the camel's 4,000-year
monopoly was ended...

CAMEL GRUNTS

.. by the Peugeot 504.

Many people imagine it
was Land Rover or Jeep

that brought internal combustion

to the world's most
impregnable backwaters,

but really, it was this.

The King of Africa,
as they called it.

Yes, it had good ground clearance
and parts were cheap,

but what really endeared this
mighty Peugeot to Africa

was its rugged dependability.

You regularly hear tales
around these parts

of 504s that have done
a million kilometres

and which have been to places
that no Land Rover could reach

without falling to pieces.

40 years ago, then, Peugeot was
a byword for sturdy toughness

and common sense.

But then, in 1983, Peugeot decided

it didn't want to make strong,
sturdy, beige cars any more.

It wanted to throw
off its sensi-panties

and be sporty and frivolous and fun.

So it completely changed direction.

It employed a brilliant
"chef de suspension"

and came up with cars like this -

the 505 GTi, a sports
saloon to rival any BMW.

And then there was the 405 Mi16,

which sounded like
it was a machine gun,

and it went like one.

But best of all, Peugeot
gave us this...

The phenomenal 205 GTi,

a car that was fast...

.. even with James May at the wheel.

Was this the best hot
hatchback of the '80s?

Well, it was definitely
a contender, wasn't it?

JAMES LAUGHS

It's still good.

It's hard to believe that this
was made by the same people

who did the 504 -

made by the same species, even.

But this wasn't the first time

that Peugeot had completely
changed its mind

about what it wanted to be.

The company began
in 1810 making steel

and it was very, very good at it.

So good that, in 1840,

it decided to start making
wooden pepper grinders.

Now, these... they were the best
pepper grinders in the world.

So, naturally, in 1852,
Peugeot started to make...

.. corsets.

And then, 30 years later,

it thought, "No - what
we actually want to make

"are bicycles."

And this is what they came up with.

~ And it is brilliant.
~ BELL TINKLES

It is a superb bicycle.

But naturally, having
made a superb bicycle,

the next logical step was
to become a manufacturer

of munitions.

The shells they made were
excellent. World-class.

But then the Second World War
broke out, the Germans arrived,

and Mr Peugeot decided he didn't
want to make munitions any more.

In fact, he didn't
want to make anything.

So one night, he laced his
factory with explosives

and blew the entire
place to smithereens.

After such a varied history,
it's hardly surprising

that Peugeot should make
this sudden swerve

from building dependable workhorses
to exciting, sporty cars

like the 205 GTi.

And nor is it surprising, given
the quality of their steel

and their grinders and their corsets

and their bicycles
and their munitions,

that they were
unbelievably good at it.

A turbo-charged four-wheel drive
version of the 205 called the T16

won 16 rounds of the
Rally Championship...

.. beating the might
of Ford, Audi and Lancia

with two back-to-back world titles.

And back in the showroom,

the sporty cars kept on coming.

Peugeot was on a roll.

But then one day, in Paris,
there was a meeting.

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

~ Messieurs...
~ Mm?

The time has come for us to
stop making this sporty car.

~ Mon Dieu!
~ Sacre bleu!

But what shall nous do instead?

Er... coat hangers? Umbrellas?

How is zees for a plan?

We make terrible cars,

in every way 'orrible.

Maybe tres ugly!

Oh, oui, oui, oui!

And le engine tres 'orrible.

Oh, nasty, unreliable, uncomfortable.

Et l'interior fabrique
en... spit et Kleenex.

~ Spit et Kleenex. Oui, oui, oui!
~ Oui, oui, oui!

C'est une bonne idee,
n'est-ce pas? Oui?

Ne regardez pas un cadeau
de cheval dans la bouche.

Messieurs, salut la voiture horrible!

ALL: Ohhhh!

And get the chef de
suspension up here

so we can fire him immediatement.

Oh, yes.

This breakfast meeting will
put Peugeot on the map

for many years to come
- make no mistake.

This is what resulted -

cars like the hateful 1007,

the absurd 407,

the woeful 607,

and the shockingly bad 3008 -

cheaply made, sloppy handling,
lacklustre dung, the lot of it.

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

The adverts changed, too.

Out went the burning cornfields
and the jumping 205s,

and in came tosh like this...

Buy a car, four wheels and some seats

for just £99 a month

with £1,000 cashback plus
another £2,000 cashback.

Easy finance and a free - yes, free -

locking petrol filler cap!

APR 29.4%. Subject to
terms and conditions.

You must be able to sign
your name to have a car.

Your knees may be at risk if
you do not keep up repayments.

The results were immediate.

Sales went through the roof.

Peugeot may have been good at making
sturdy cars and sporty cars,

but it seemed they were absolutely
brilliant at making terrible cars.

Yes. And to find out
just how brilliant,

Jeremy and I are going
to do an experiment.

He has bought this mildly
fire-damaged 307 CC.

You can see where the
fire was just here.

It's out now, so that's OK.

Good. Yes.

And I have bought this
utterly dreary 407.

And now, we're going to test them

as if we're not interested
in cars at all.

In these horrible cars,
it didn't take us long

to get the hang of being
modern Peugeot drivers.

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

Maniac!

And...turn...

Why oh why do those idiots
on Top Gear criticise Peugeot?

I mean, look, six-speed gear box.

This is particularly brilliant -

you've got your light switch
here, off, and then here,

especially off.

So two... two-and-a-half
revs, another gear...

GEARS GRINDING

Oh, no, you're supposed to press...

GRINDING AND CLATTERING

That's it.

Soon, James had an accident.

Damn and blast.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, dear, dear...

~ You crashed again?
~ Yeah.

Didn't you crash on this
corner this morning?

Yeah. I haven't got
round it once yet.

It is tricky. I don't know
why they put corners on...

I mean, why would you?

Well, I was going quite fast.

I was in third.

Oh!

While James's car was being
towed out of the ditch,

I took the opportunity to demonstrate

yet another incredible standard
feature on my car.

If you want to lower
the passenger window,

you can do that from a switch
on the driver's door.

But if you want to get it
back up again... you can't.

So, you have to go round
to the other side, OK,

and use the button here.

But, if you do that, you're going
to trap your arm in this gap here.

Now, Peugeot's thought of that, OK?
Obviously, you can't open this door.

There's no door lock, that's
for security reasons.

So you pop back round here
- and this is incredible -

simply pull this switch, OK?

Windows ALL go down now.

The roof detaches, and now...

Now look - I can lift the window

without getting my arm trapped.

Can you see? Brilliant.

With James's car out of the ditch,

we relaxed by tuning
in to Radio Peugeot.

RADIO: Jeremy Vine, BBC Radio 2.

"Is Britain full?" is
how we started this.

Alison in Warfield in
Berkshire texts and says,

"I can't park at Waitrose.

"So, yes, we are too full."

Good caller.

THUD

That's very nice of him. He just
gave me a little push there

to let me know he was coming past.

Corner! Corner!

TYRES SQUEAL

I've done it. I'm round.

Despite the soothing tones
of Radio Peugeot...

RADIO: Do you think you may have
the worst-tasting water in Britain?

Do call us if so - 0500 288 291...

.. we found the journey
very stressful

thanks to badly placed road signs...

.. and busy junctions.

Maniac.

Maniac.

Maniac.

Yobbo.

Maniac.

Mani... oh, hold on, I think
there's a chance here.

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL

Ohhh... damn it!

RADIO: You've got Johnny
Foreigner coming over here,

they don't pay a penny...

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

Bloody council not mending
the bloody roads.

OVER RADIO: James, there's
a corner coming up, a corner.

There's a sign saying, "corner".
Do take care this time, OK?

To be honest, I didn't notice
James's latest accident

because I'd found yet another
feature in my amazing car.

If I push this button here that
increases the temperature,

and then hold it down
for a little while...

~ CRACKLING
~ There we go.

Lovely, lovely. Mm-mm, smoke!

Obviously, there's a fair bit of
choking you have to go through,

but, um... look at the result!

COUGHING: People like a...
a real fire in their homes.

I've got one in my car.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

It's a good job this
car has a chimney.

Obviously, that's a very
good design feature.

When I met up with James again,

it was at the Peugeot driver's
worst nightmare -

a double mini-roundabout.

Now...

Dear God. Right, that's clear...

HORNS HONKING

I don't know.

It's...

Maniac!

Oh, God - no more double
mini-roundabouts ever, please.

After such a terrifying ordeal,

we needed hot sweet tea
to calm our nerves,

so we went to a nearby garden centre.

RADIO: Will Hull e-mails, "I suggest
we bring back workhouses.

"That would deter people
exploiting the state

~ "and having as many children as they want."
~ A space there, nearly.

Entrance?

I'll have to come in forwards.

A cup of tea. Ooh... perfect.

~ Have you seen this, James?
~ What?

~ Carrots stop you getting cancer.
~ Really?
~ Yeah.

But The Mail said it
was toma... tomatoes.

Or was it tomatoes give you cancer?

I thought Diana gave you cancer.
Or was it house prices?

No, immigrants do house pr...

Oh, I get confused.

'Afternoon tea over, we
got back on the road.'

Maniac!

After a busy day, we
were heading home,

and to get there,
we'd fitted our cars

with something called
"satellite navigation".

Incredible device. It was
a present from my children.

It knows where I am on the planet
and then it can get me to my house.

All I have to do is as I'm told.

So I go left here... yes...

Right, according to the
electric map, I go right.

This is, um...

.. overgrown - the council
should really do something

about this road here.

It's weird, isn't it? You
hear stories all the time

about idiots who, "Oh, I was following
the satellite navigation

"and I drove off a cliff
or into a canal",

and you think, "What a moron!"

Must be a shortcut. Bloody clever.

And here we are. Home sweet home!

Ah, joy!

So, there we are - Peugeot.

They were brilliant
at making strong cars.

They were brilliant
at making sporty cars,

and for the last decade,

they have been brilliant
at making terrible cars.

This really is THE perfect car
for the world's imperfect drivers.

RADIO: "The simple way to stop speeding
is to hand a jail sentence

"to anyone who's caught
breaking the speed limit,

"and that will sort the problem."

Jenny in Ramsgate, Kent...

CAR HONKS, ALARM BLEEPS

But here's the worry.

Soon, it will be time for Peugeot
to change its mind again

and think of something new.

And who knows what that'll be.

Knowing Peugeot, it could be...

.. a type of inert gas.

The Peugeot nine-piece
Rhythm and Blues band.

Only time will tell.

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

Really?

Worst thing ever on Top
Gear, the choking -

I've never, never ever
had anything worse

than being choked to
death in a car on fire.

~ Hang on.
~ What?
~ Hang on a minute.

Are you two saying that Peugeot
have spent ten years

deliberately making terrible cars?

~ Mm.
~ Well, yeah - you can't make cars
that consistently bad by accident.

No, think about it, Hammond,
think about it.

What is the point of making a car

with complicated brakes
and expensive suspension

if you're just going
to sell it to someone

who only wants Jeremy
Vine and easy finance?

Exactly - you make cars
as cheaply as possible

and then sell them to
people who won't notice.

I mean, think of it this way,
OK? Right now, even as we speak,

nine million people in Britain
are so uninterested in cars,

they're watching that Midwife
thing on the other side.

And you're saying they're
all Peugeot drivers?

Yes, I am, and they're all going
to be absolutely heartbroken

when Peugeot starts making cows.

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night!