Top Gear (2002–…): Season 22, Episode 6 - Episode #22.6 - full transcript

Richard Hammond is dropped into the remote, frozen wastes of Canada to test a watch with a built-in emergency beacon. The distress signal is sent directly to Jeremy Clarkson and James May who are disorganized, disinterested and very many miles away. Eventually, the pair gets their hands on a Hennessy Ford F150 Velociraptor and a Chevrolet Silverado 2500HD and they set off on an epic adventure to find their colleague. Gillian Anderson tries her hand as the "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car" segment.


(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

CLARKSON: Tonight, James
experiences the sheer grunt
of a Chevrolet Silverado...

I go airborne in a
Ford VelociRaptor...

And Richard Hammond
carries some wood.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

CLARKSON: Thank you so much!
Thank you! Hello!

Hello and good evening!

Hello! Now...

Thank you very much.

A while back,
I heard that Lexus

was working on a car
called the RC F.

It would be a 2-door coupe
with a 5-litre V8 engine

and it would take on
the smaller AMG Mercs
and M-powered BMWs,

and I was very excited.

I couldn't wait to give it
a spanking round our track,

and now, I have.

I expected it to be sharp,
but violent...

Raw, but civilised...

Powerful, but controlled...

(GRUNTING)

I expected a bank
of Tokyo high-tech,

with the exhaust bark
of a mad dog.

But actually, it turned out
to be fat and useless.

Really fat.

With two people onboard,
it weighs nearly two tonnes.

So look what happens
when you put it in a
drag race with a BMW M4.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Three, two, one. Go.

The BMW just walks away.

I have 40 more
horsepower than he does,
and I'm being humiliated.

The enormous weight
means it's no good
in the corners, either.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

I have got many, many
different settings in here.

And I've got
G-Shift control,
whatever that is.

And VDIM.

I've got Standard, Eco,

-Sport S.
-(CLICKING)

Sport S+.
Something called Slalom.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Doesn't matter which
one you select,

you just get yards
and yards of

wearisome understeer,
and then a lot of
electronic interference.

There is, however, another
setting in the RC F
which makes it even worse.

If you put it in
Sport+ and then
push this button here,

look, I'm now in Expert mode.
It says it there.

I have told the car
that I am an expert.

I don't need the electronic
stuff. I can manage.

Oh, God.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Lurchy, that's the word
I'm looking for there.

Lurchy.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It's really struggling
to deal with the weight.

-(TYRES SQUEALING)
-Come on!

Why are you doing that?

I'm an expert, look.
Look how I'm going
round this corner.

That's an expert use of...
Oop, I'm on the grass.

The simple truth
of the matter is

you can put John Prescott
in a pair of running shoes,

but it won't make him
an athlete.

I really don't like this car.

I don't like the way it looks.
I don't like the way it goes.

I don't like the way it feels.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

But what really annoys me,

what really gets my goat

is that I know Lexus
can do so much better.

A few years ago,
they gave us the LFA,

a car which, I'll admit, has
many faults and irritations.

The seatbelt, for example, is
incredibly difficult to do up.

Um... There are
no cup holders,

it's impossible to plug your
telephone or whatever

into the stereo system.

And the fuel tank is the size
of a disposable lighter,

which means you have
to fill up every five minutes,

and then you have to get out.

And then it takes a week
to do your seatbelt up again.

(CHUCKLING)
I still haven't done it.

It's like giving myself
a prostate exam.

But these little things
pale into insignificance

when you unleash
its astonishing V10 engine.

(ENGINE REVVING)

It produces 552 horsepower.

That means 0 to 60
in 3.7 seconds.

(ENGINE REVVING)

It also means
a top speed of 202,
and even more amazingly,

it revs from idle
to the red line

in an almost unbelievable
0.6 of a second.

But the best thing
is the noise.

(ENGINE ROARING)

It's sounds baleful,
it sounds like

a wild animal
that's sad about something.

"Oh, noooo!

"I got my paw stuck.

(REVVING)

"Ow!

-(REVVING)
-"Ow!

-(REVVING)
-"Ow!"

This is what I was looking for
in the new Lexus.

A sense that the engine
is actually alive,
that it's a sentient being.

And there was more
I was looking for, too.

The LFA does not have
an Expert facility.

Or a G-Shift thing, or VDIM.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It corners well
because it's well-engineered.

And it's light, very light.

And I love the way that
it feels so violent and raw.

This car is simply
out of this world.

And look at the difference
in styling.

See how one looks
like that stupid food
that's drizzled in jus

and served on a bed of
stupid beans to idiots

in overpriced restaurants.

And the other is as simple as
a freshly picked blackberry.

I know that this costs
five or six times more
than the new RC F,

and I know it's full of
carbon fibre and all sorts of
clever engineering

that you can't
reasonably expect to find

further down the fiscal
food chain,

but surely they could have
captured the spirit
of this car,

the essence, its soul,

and transplanted that
into the RC F.

Surely they could.

Or maybe they couldn't.

Maybe the LFA is so good,

not even the people
who made it

know how to make it again.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

Um, you said you were
gonna give it a spanking.

-Yeah.
-But you gave it
a kicking.

Well, it's rubbish.
It is absolutely rubbish.

In fact, it's so bad
I'm not even gonna bother

getting The Stig
to take it round the track.

It'd just be a
complete waste of time.

Ooh, now, we ought to
bring you up to speed
with the latest in car news.

Okey doke.
A new Skoda coming out.
It's called the Superb.

There it is.
Mainly for minicabbers.

But what you really
need to know is

underneath, if you
pull away the body,
it's basically a Golf, okay?

There's another new Skoda,
the Octavia vRS.

That's a Golf as well.

New Audi, RS 3 Sportback.
Here it is.

That's a Golf.

New Skoda Fabia.

-HAMMOND: Ah, is that a Golf?
-No, that's Polo.

Oh, it's confusing. I can't...

-It's not confusing.
Look, Hammond, it's...
-HAMMOND: It is!

No, it's not.
It's really, really simple.

All cars are basically
a Golf underneath,
or a Polo.

Or a Fiat 500.

Except for this.
This is the Citroen DS5.

That's basically
a Peugeot, underneath.

Oh, and the Fiat 500X. That.

Well, is that not a Fiat 500?

-No, that's an Alfa Romeo.
-Is it?

Anyway, that's cleared up
this week's
motoring news for you.

Moving on, do you remember
that six-wheeled Mercedes
G-Wagon that I drove?

-The six-wheel drive thing?
-Mmm, yes, in the desert.
Yes, yes.

A massive thing.
Well, Mercedes have
now announced

that they're making
a four-wheel version of it.

-Oh, there it is.
-HAMMOND: There, look at that.

So they've made
a four-wheel version
of the six-wheel version

of the four-wheel car
they already had?

I think it looks great.

Massive wheels
made possible by portal axles
so it's raised up.

It's got about
422 brake horsepower,
I think it is,

from its V8 twin turbo.

It is quite costly.

£200,000 for that.
I know, I know, I know,

but if you look closely,
it's got side pipes!

Oh, yes!

And all of a sudden,
ladies and gentlemen,

Richard Hammond has become
uncomfortable in his trousers.

Well, I love...
I do love side pipes.

I can tell that from the
shape of your front pipe.

Oh, is it showing? Sorry.

Oh, now, there's a sort of
motor racing. It's called GT3.

-Anyone seen it?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

There's a picture
of a grid here, right, okay?

Look at it. It's just amazing.
You've got Astons, McLarens,

Porsches, BMWs,
Nissan GT-Rs.
Fabulous series.

-Yeah, very exciting because
you can recognise the cars.
-Mmm.

But now Bentley has announced
that they're gonna build a car

that's inspired
by that race series.

It's called the GT3-R,
here it is,

and it's a sort of
stripped-down, pumped-up,

road-going, two-seater
version of the race car.

-580 horsepower from its V8.
-I'll have a look at that.

Well, you'll like the sound
because it's got a
titanium exhaust

that they say gives it
a baritone roar.

So it's got Tom Jones
underneath it.

Basically, they've
strapped Tom Jones...

-Poor Tom's, "Whoa!"
-That's how it sounds!

Aston Martin have got a
very similar sort of thing
called a Vantage V12 GT3.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh...
-Exactly, "Whoa."

-That is a V12...
-Does look quite cool.

600 horsepower, so
20 more than the Bentley,

and it's half a tonne lighter.

That is properly
blowing my frock up,
that there. It really is.

Philosophy news.

Everybody... No, don't groan
because this is... I know it
sounds dreary, but...

Driverless cars are coming,
as we know,

and somebody
pointed out this week,

and I think it's
rather a good point,

that they will have to make,
from time to time,
ethical decisions.

What, like, "Should we cancel
third-world debt?"

No, James, not that.

You're driving along, okay,
and you're heading towards
an accident.

Well, you're not driving,
you're just sitting there.

You're heading
towards an accident.
It's gonna be fatal.

The only solution is to swerve
onto the pavement,

but there are
two pedestrians there.

What does the car do?

What, is this the Moral Maze
or something?

No, it's a genuine thing,

'cause basically,
you will have bought a car

that must be programmed,
in certain circumstances,
to kill you.

It will go, "Well, there's two
there, there's only one person
in me, I'm gonna kill him."

And you'll just have to sit
there as the lorry comes, and
there's nothing you can do.

Well, maybe driverless cars
will have to come with, like,
and override button.

Just a big button
with "Me" on it.

So, in a crash, "Save me!"
Just hit that.

Or maybe it could have
a sliding scale.

So you can say, "Look,
if it's a load of children
on the pavement,

"obviously, don't
run them down,
but cyclists?"

We are in dark territory here,
aren't we?

Well, the interesting
thing is all of us
are programmed,

because we're humans,
'cause we're animals,
basically,

to look after ourselves.
Self-preservation
always kicks in,

and you will
swerve away from danger.

Not necessarily.

Oh, well, now you say that,
but recently scientists
conducted

an absolutely awful,
genuinely awful experiment,

but with a very
interesting result.

They got a load of monkeys
with their babies
and put them in a box,

and then thy heated
the floor up.
This actually happened.

I, you know,
am just reporting.

They heated the floor up
till it became
really unbearable,

and all of the monkeys
picked up their babies
and held them,

but when the floor got hotter
and hotter until it was
absolutely unbearable,

every one of them
put their babies down
and stood on them.

(AUDIENCE GIGGLING)

I'm... I'm surprised...

I'm surprised you didn't
save this for the Christmas
show, mate, it's lovely.

What a lovely story!
What a nice tale!
I love a story!

I'm just saying,
these driverless cars,

everyone goes,
"Oh, aren't they clever?
They can stop at red lights."

They are gonna have to face
all sorts of things, like,
"Who do I kill now?"

We are programmed
to look after ourselves,

and these driverless cars
are going to be programmed
to do the maths and say,

"Lot of people over there.
I'm gonna kill you."

And whether to stand
on a baby monkey.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, Brooklands, world's first
purpose-built racetrack.
Do you remember it?

-Well, no. He will.
-Oh, yeah, he will,
obviously.

Okay, we've got some
footage of it here
to remind everyone.

This was just outside London,
and look at it.

Everybody waked faster,
we were in black and white
in those days,

and you went unbelievably...

Look at this,
120 miles an hour
on the banking,

and then... There's James May,
look, in his pedal car.

And then it was
just fantastic, but

the war started, they built
an aeroplane factory
on the circuit,

and that was the end of that.

Ever since, there's been
a group of enthusiasts
who want Brooklands to reopen,

and last week, actually,
they were given a grant

by the lottery people
of £4.6 million,

and I just think
that's gonna be brilliant.

Get that back, Astons,
Bentleys belching around
at the weekend,

Fotherington Sorbet
wheel-to-wheel with
the Duke of Wembley.

It's a very good idea for an
appealing Sunday afternoon,

watching the toffs
kill themselves at Brooklands.

You just pop down the A3
on a Sunday afternoon,

"Let's go and watch the
Earl of Bradford's
head come off."

How much did you say
they'd been given?

£4.6 million.

Well, that's not
enough, is it?

The shopping centre
next to our office cost
one-and-a-half billion.

Yes, exactly.
It isn't very much,
you're quite right.

Well spotted, Hammond.

In fact, all they can afford
to do with that is rebuild
the start/finish straight.

Well, hang on,
just the start/finish straight
of a race circuit

-is not much use in itself.
-CLARKSON: No.

Unless they spent
all 4.6 million
on lottery tickets.

It's lottery money.
They take the grant,
spend it on lottery tickets,

and win a lot more.

Good thinking from
Richard Hammond there.

He's saved motor racing
for the nation.

Now, I know this is
a car show, but please
bear with us,

because I wanna
talk about this.

It's one of those watches
that's worn by people

who play golf and do business,

and they're always banging on

about these pins
that you can see here.

Yeah. They say that
if they pull those pins out,

the watch will send
their precise position

to a team of professionals
who will come and rescue them.

So, if they're out
climbing a mountain or
rowing across an ocean...

Which they aren't,
'cause they're playing golf
and doing business.

No, but if they were
doing those things,
and something went wrong,

then thanks to their watch,
they'd be okay.

Ah, but would they?

To find out, the producers
decided that one of us

should be dumped
somewhere with minimal kit,
with virtually no food,

somewhere very, very remote
to see if the system works.

Well...

That's it.

I am now marooned here,

wherever the hell here is.

Bloody hell.

My only hope now
is my watch.

So, it's time.

Undo this.

There.

And then pull that bit out.

And that's it, done.

Pulling those pins
activates a distress signal

that's picked up by
a LEOSAR, low Earth
polar orbit satellite,

which then forwards
my exact coordinates

to a central command centre.

The team here then scramble
the nearest highly-trained
search-and-rescue unit,

who arrive at my location
within hours.

Sadly, however,
today the scramble command

has not been sent
to a highly-trained
search-and-rescue unit.

(GRUNTING)

MAY: ...It's running
on petrol.

It's a brilliant idea,
and I'm not sure
the Ferrari does that.

I think it does, but I think
they're just being
honest about it...

-(BEEPING)
-...because they're
recognising that it's

a means of improving
the efficiency.

Is that your bag ringing?

Oh, I think this is the signal
from our esteemed colleague
Richard Hammond.

CLARKSON: Is it? Where is he?

Wait a minute.
He would appear
to be in Africa, is it?

Let's have a look.

No, I think you'll find
that is...Canada.

Specifically, the Rockies.

Crikey, um...

Actually, that is
quite serious.

We really do need to get
on this, James, so...

Excuse me, could we see
the pudding menu?

HAMMOND: Right.

-That bit suspends
off this bit.
-(BEEPING)

That watch transmits
for 24 hours.

And then that's it.

Right.
So this is the mountain,
there's my tent.

Mountain, trees, hills,
this is all we are.

There's a cameraman,
a sound recordist and
a bloke from the office,

and he's just a media luvvie.

I know you think

there's a five-star hotel
just down there,
but there's not.

Nothing else. There's no
survival experts here.

Fact of the matter is
I'm completely stuck

until Yogi the Boar
and Boo-Boo get here.

CLARKSON: Knowing we were
his only hope, we had some
important decisions to make.

MAY: Raunchy apple fritters
sounds quite interesting.

-James! James, James, James...
-Or pancake with cheese...

You know in the colonies,
Australia, South Africa,
America, Canada and so on,

everybody loves
pickup trucks.

-Yes?
-Yes.

Well, why don't we
get a pickup truck to go
and rescue Hammond in?

Because pickup trucks
generally only have two seats

and there would be three of us
when we've rescued him.

Why don't we get
two pickup trucks,
one for you, one for me?

-Mmm.
-It would, A, increase our
chances of finding him.

-Yeah.
-And B, there'd be a seat
to get him back in.

-But...
-(STAMMERING) Vir
in Thunderbirds...

Mmm.

Inevitably, 1 and 2
kind of went first,
didn't they, always.

Yeah.

Alan and... No, not Alan.
Who drove Thunderbird 1?

-Scott.
-Virgil.

No, Virgil was 2.

-Was he 2?
-Scott was 1.

Virgil was 2,

-Alan was 3.
-Alan was 3.

-Gordon was 4.
-Gordon.

HAMMOND: In Canada,
the temperature was
a bitter minus 10,

so I urgently needed
some warmth.

(SIGHING)

What would have been wrong
with giving me a lighter?

I can't get my fire lit.
Cold beans.

They are a bit frozen
in the middle.

CLARKSON: Having finished
our lunch...

MAY: I'm not sure about
the red, you know.

...we went to book some
flights to Vancouver.

Okay, you've
actually just missed the
last flight out today.

-Have we?
-Yeah.

Oh, what a rotten bit of luck.

Should we maybe get
another drink?

There's a Delta One
that leaves at 10:00
tomorrow morning.

Don't like Delta's
seat upholstery.

Would you go from Manchester?

Manchester, no,
you know, this is the BBC,

I think it will be idiotic
to go to Manchester.

I mean, that would be
just stupid.

WOMAN: There's Lufthansa.

-(MAY SCOFFS)
-CLARKSON: Stewardesses
wear trousers.

WOMAN: There's one
from Gatwick which
goes via Calgary.

MAY: Gatwick?
CLARKSON: He doesn't
like Gatwick.

MAY: I hate Gatwick.

(WOLF HOWLING)

(BEEPING)

HAMMOND: Out there somewhere,

there are bears.

(WOLF HOWLING)

As many as 180,000
black bears.

I can't remember what it
was, about 15,000 grizzlies.

(ICE RATTLES)

Freezing.

(WIND WHISTLING)

In the morning,
I was cold and exhausted
from lack of sleep.

But most of all,
I was anxious.

Any minute now.

Any minute.

I mean, they've had 24 hours.

I mean, 24 hours.

You can get anywhere in
the world in 24 hours, surely.

Where the hell are they?

(BEEPING)

MAY: (GASPS)
I can't remember...
CLARKSON: James?

It's stopped beeping.

-Well, yeah, it would.
-Why would it?

'Cause the watch thing
only transmits the distress
signal for 24 hours.

Then the battery runs out.

-Seriously?
-Well, yeah. It's only...

Well, did you make a note
of where he was?

No, I didn't. You...
You've got the thing.

Well, I remember he was...

He was on something called,
I think it was Wolf Mountain,

and you go up Bear Pass.

Sounds grizzly.

-(LAUGHS)
-Hey.

That was a good joke.
No, actually, do you know

the biggest problem
is not bears and wolves.

-Cougars, loads of cougars.
-Well, that's all right, then.

No, not that sort of cougar.

Actually a (GROWLING)
That sort of cougar.

Oh, you mean
like a big cat thing?

HAMMOND:
As I couldn't move
from the spot

where the watch
had transmitted
the distress signal,

I was hard at work trying
to make my life here
more comfortable.

I want somewhere to sit.

I can't sit on the snow,
so I'm building a shelter.

(STRIKING FLINT STARTER)

Spark, you bastard.

There we go.

We have fire.

And with my supplies
dwindling, I also needed
to think about food.

"Animals for food.

"Guinea pigs.

"All animals can be a source
of nourishment.

"A few, including
worms and insects,

"can be collected
with little skill."

I'm bored, I'm cold,
I'm unhappy, I'm hungry.

I'm scared.
(GROANING)

Ugh! And I don't want
to be wearing a hat,
just for a minute.

Oh!

To alleviate the boredom,
and stave off the cold,

I tried to make some
SAS-style pine needle tea.

Ah!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Where are they? Just where?

CLARKSON: Unfortunately,
we were a little bit delayed

at Vancouver airport.

Yes, of course.

But eventually,
we made it to the car park,

where our pickup truck
rescue vehicles were waiting.

CLARKSON: James?
MAY: Yeah?

CLARKSON: That's not a light,
that's a collapsed sun,
isn't it?

MAY: Yeah,
never mind that. Look.

-Mine is actually comes
up to my nipples.
-(LAUGHING)

I didn't realise it was...
And yet, do you know
what the other thing is?

If I actually find
Richard Hammond,

I'm not gonna see him, am I?
I'd just run
straight over him.

You notice something else
about mine?

This entire vehicle
is a transportation device

for its own spare wheel, look.

-That's all the back's for.
-That's really stupid.

-Look at the size of it.
-CLARKSON: Look at it.

MAY: Anyway, listen, we got
everything we need here.

I've got a big warm coat,
I've got a massive car...

-Mmm-hmm.
-A rough idea of where
Richard Hammond is.

Yeah, so let's go

into Vancouver, get a hotel,

good night's rest,
get rid of this jet lag.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It's not funny,
I don't know what...

(WOLF HOWLING)

They've got to
get here tomorrow...

Morning. Early.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

HAMMOND: Um...

Hold on.

Hold on a minute.

Can I just
make something clear?

That's the first time
I've seen this film,

and, um, I'm sorry,
you two went into Vancouver.

-Well, yes.
-To get rid of your jet lag.

-Yes.
-No, tiredness kills, Hammond.

-Haven't you seen those
signs on the motorway?
-Exactly.

What annoys me as well here
is that you chose to do it
in big American pickup trucks.

Well, that was a good idea,
'cause we hardly ever do

big American pickup trucks
on Top Gear.

I know. I'm always
campaigning to do them.

I know, and in part 2
of the film, we do them
extensively

on many different
types of terrain.

Yes, without me!

Oh, this is unbeliev...
I've never heard
such ingratitude.

5,400 miles we travelled
to come and rescue you.

In slow motion.

Yeah, but we thought
you liked tenting.

I do, in the Lake District,
where there's a bit of drizzle

and you can go out
for some cake.

Not on top of a mountain
at minus 10,
surrounded by bears.

Well, we'll find out later on

if Richard Hammond manages to
be grateful about any of this,

but now it's time to
put a star in our
reasonably-priced car.

Now, funnily enough, my guest
tonight spent quite a lot of
time in Canada as well.

Is she an ungrateful,
angry little man?

No, no, she isn't, actually.

She is the star of both
The X-Files and The Fall.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is Gillian Anderson!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Hello.
-I'll kiss you.

-I hope so.
-Yeah.

(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

Excellent. Thank you
so much for coming!

So you can remember my name
throughout the show?

No, it goes on there.
Eventually, it goes on there.

But I did have to look
whether it was a "J" or a "G".

Now, um, one of the things
that amazes me is you today
joined a very small band

of people who've
been on this show,
including...

By doing the
worst time ever, right?

Well, we'll get to that later.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

How did you know?
No, no, no.

Benedict Cumberbatch,
Simon Cowell,
Michael Gambon and you.

What?

Everyone's offered
a car and driver
to come down here,

-but you said,
"No, no, I'll drive myself."
-Yeah.

-And you did drive yourself?
-I did drive myself.

Very rare. Have you got
a problem with drivers
or you just like driving...

-I just like being
in control, I think.
-Really?

Ultimately. No, I do like...
I drive everywhere.
I drive everywhere.

You grew up in England,
didn't you, 'cause I know
a lot of people

would be very surprised
to hear you talking
with an English accent.

-Yeah.
-But you actually did
grow up in, was it London?

-It was London.
-London, Crouch End
and Haringey.

-But then you learned
to drive in America.
-At 16.

At 16. And it was a
Volkswagen family
that you'd come from.

Well, when we were
living in London,
we had a Beetle,

an old original-body
Beetle, the skinny ones
with the pointy tops.

And then when we moved
to Grand Rapids, Michigan,
we got what's called a Rabbit,

which is, I think, a Golf...

A Volkswagen Golf is a Rabbit.

-An actual rabbit.
-Yeah, yeah.

-But I think they are
the same thing.
-A rabbit's not a car.

That's what I...
(LAUGHING)

-It does exist.
-Yes, it does.

-So, anyway, so you learn
to drive at 16, in the States?
-Yes.

-And it went well?
-Yes. No, no, no,
it went very well.

And then, you were
kind of on probation
for a period of time

when you get your
driver's licence,
where you can drive,

but you have to have
somebody who has
a driving licence in the car.

-Okay.
-And I didn't on the
first time I went out,

and got into two car accidents
on the same day.

I was literally,
I swear to God,

going to my
very first acting class,

and I got rear-ended,
and I thought
it was my fault.

And so I said,
"I'm so sorry.
Just go. Go away."

And I didn't get any
information, and then I
had to pretend later

that I got hit
in a parking lot.

They must have thought
that all their Christmases
had come at once.

Somebody apologised
for being stationary
when they ran into them.

So what was the second one?

The second one was,
I was trying to parallel park,

and swung out and
side-swiped a woman
in a large old Cadillac,

and she was very large
and her son was very large

and they had a
very large baseball bat.

And they were determined that
they were gonna get money,

so they followed me home.

-With a baseball bat?
-With a baseball bat,

and I walked up
to the front door,
my mum answered,

and there were these
two people wanting money,
standing behind me.

And she had the sense of mind
to look in her wallet

and pretend that
she only had $20.

-And so she gave it to them...
-And they were happy?

...and sent them
on their way, yeah.

So anyway, you
grew up in the UK,
ended up in America,

ended up acting, obviously,
so presumably you end up
in Los Angeles at some point.

-Yes.
-And then what car
did you have

once all The X-Files
had taken off?

While I was, um,
I don't know why,

but when we were
shooting in Vancouver,
I had a Boxster.

And then while we were in LA,

I did a commercial
and they paid me in a car,

and I got to choose the car,
so I chose an old-body 911.

-A 911?
-Yeah.

I'd have gone for a Veyron.

Well, I'm sure that
the budget restricted me
to a degree.

Oh, I see,
it wasn't like any car.

It wasn't any car.

-So are you a fan of
the 911, Porsches?
-Yes, very much, yeah.

What is it that you like
about 911s?

Um, I liked about
that particular car,

I liked how much you could
feel the road in it.

It felt, you know,
it's a very basic car.

I always think they're popular
in America 'cause 911's
what you dial if you crash.

Yeah.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"So, what do I...
Oh, I know. There's a number."

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Because it's the same...

That's not bad.
That's not a bad accent.

(IN A DRAWL)
I'm better in the South,
but that's about it.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) So have you
got lots of speeding tickets
or are you...

-I've had a few.
-You have?

The nicest thing that
ever happened was in Canada

on Christmas Eve in Vancouver.

I was properly speeding
and a policeman
pulled up beside me,

drove in front of me
and slowed me down,

and then he put his
hand out the window
and gave me the thumbs-up.

What's "properly speeding"?

Probably about 110.

-Miles an hour?
-Yeah.

How many tickets have you got?
Do you get a lot of tickets?

I just got my first
in 35 years.

-No!
-Yeah.

-Is that...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, when you've got
an innocent face like mine,

you don't like
to cause offence,

which I don't, then you get...

-I smell bullshit.
-It was...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

The other one
you had in Los Angeles,
didn't you have a Land Rover?

I had a Defen... Yes, I did.

I, um...

I fell in love with the idea
of having an old-fashioned
Defender,

a red one with a cream top,
and it was as much the look
of it as anything else,

and they're a fucking
pain in the arse to drive.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-They are.

The wheels are this big,
and you have to turn them...

And there's no
shoulder room at all.

I bought it for about $12,000,

I put about $35,000 into it,

and I sold it
on a celebrity auction
for $12,000.

'Cause it's only recently
they've started making cars...

(IN BRUMMIE ACCENT) "What?
You want it to last and work?

"We've never
thought of that before."

But they are
quite reliable now.

You and your accents,
very impressive.

-Oh, no, well, you know...
-Was that Australian?

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway...

It's time now to
talk about your lap. Cos...

-(LAUGHING) My 2,765 laps.
-Well, it was a bit of that.

You have set a record.
Most amount of laps done.

-'Cause most people come down
and do seven or eight.
-What? Really?

-You did 22.
-Oh!

-I'm gonna be
brutally honest with you.
-No! No, what?

Well, your first five
were all over two minutes.

-Right.
-Which is, um...

-Yeah, off the...
-Well, crap.

It sucked at the beginning.
It was wet and I
couldn't see the lines,

and I got three hours
of sleep last night,
that doesn't help.

-Um...
-Right. Wet.
Couldn't see the lines.

Three hours' sleep, yeah.

-Body working okay?
-No, no, no, frozen shoulder.

Okay, so that's...

But they're... I don't...
They're not... Yeah, excuses.

So...
(CLEARING THROAT)

Would you like
to see your lap?

Yes.

Would everyone else like to?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Here we go,
let's have a look.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Whoa,
that's a lot of power
on the start there.

That's a dirty look!

Keeping it tight,
very tight through there.

Tyres being tortured.

Here we go.

This is good.
This is really good.

(ANDERSON LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: And, yeah,
it is wet through that.
Well, moist.

My foot's on the floor.

CLARKSON: Is it?

Right, now,
the Hammerhead.

-Are we gonna be
too brutal through here?
-(TYRES SQUEALING)

We are a bit.
A little bit too much gas.

But held it
all together nicely.

Keeping it in the
middle of the road
on the way out,

and, whoa, that was
a gear change.

I thought I turned on
climate control.

CLARKSON:
Don't get distracted with
the Follow Through looming.

Yes, nicely...
That's very nicely done.

And, oh,
very quiet and smooth.

-Here we go,
only two corners to go.
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Oh, that was
a sudden gear change there
and only Gambon left.

Very nice through there,
and across the line.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So, ha-ha!

Bearing in mind,
as we've established,

that your first five laps
of your 22 were about here.

-Yeah.
-Two minutes.

Where do you think
you came in the end?

I think I'm probably
still below Jack.

-What, slower than 1:54.5?
-I don't know what that means.

-One minute...
-Well, I know what that means!

-It's a unit of time...
-I know!

-Well... 1...
-Yeah, well, that's...

-So you improved.
-Yes.

-40...
-Oh!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh...
-Oh!

-8...
-No!

-.5!
-Oh, shit!

Which actually...
And it was mildly moist.

Which is actually...

Oh, wow, yes!
I beat Charles Dance!

You beat Charles Dance,
you beat Joss Stone,

you beat Kiefer Sutherland.

That's a reboot!

-That is quite something.
-Wow.

CLARKSON: That's one of the
fastest wet times
we've ever had,

or mildly moist.
I think it is.

It was more than mildly moist.

I'll be the judge
of what's moist
and what's not.

And that was mildly moist.

Okay!

I know what.
You are easily
not only the fastest wet lap,

-but also most improved.
-Oh!

So, ladies and gentlemen,
Gillian Anderson!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Brilliant!

That's good.

Now, tonight, Jeremy and I
are using two huge
American pickup trucks

to rescue Richard Hammond,
who's been abandoned

on a freezing cold mountaintop
in the Canadian Rockies.

We pick up the action after
we'd had a good night's rest

in a downtown Vancouver hotel.

MAY: We set off before dawn,

not knowing exactly
where Hammond was.

But we did know he was
at least 400 miles away,

so we had plenty of time
to get to know our vehicles.

CLARKSON: I am driving a Ford
F-150 pickup truck, which is,

by miles, the best-selling
vehicle in America.

Ford sells one of these things
every 35 seconds.

And that's only in America,
remember, 35 seconds.

If you were to park
every F-150 that's ever
been made since 1948,

side by side,
not end to end, side by side,

the line would stretch
round the Equator.

Twice!

The reason it sells
so well is simple...

It's cheap.

You can have an F-150
with an automatic gearbox,

cruise control,
air conditioning

and a 350-horsepower V8 motor

for the equivalent of £20,000.

Now that's what
we pay in Europe for
a Vauxhall Astra diesel.

MAY: By comparison, my pickup
truck is a sales disaster.

What I'm driving here,
viewers, the Silverado,

the Chevrolet Silverado,
is the second best-selling
pickup truck.

They only manage to shift
one of these every minute.

I'm amazed Chevrolet
is still in business.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
very far away,

my third day on the mountain
was beginning.

I didn't sleep last night,
I was cold all night.

I'll have to get
more firewood.

The thought of that,
swinging that axe again...

It's probably a good diet,
this. You'll see it on
This Morning at some point.

(IMITATING LORRAINE KELLY)
Well, what you need is to be
abandoned by two good friends.

Well, when I say good friends,
I mean bastards.

Look, that's what
I call a breakfast.

-Thank you very, very much.
-MAY: Oh!

WAITRESS: Your eggs.
MAY: That's perfect.

CLARKSON: After our
winter-warming breakfast,
we were back on the road

and delving once more
into our pickup trucks.

I'm gonna be honest with you.
This is no ordinary F-150.

This is top-of-the-range
Raptor model,

which has been beefed up,
supercharged and intercooled

and then renamed VelociRaptor

by a company called Hennessey,

makers of the Venom,
one of the fastest road cars

the world has ever seen.

So, the 6.2-litre V8
that I have under the bonnet

produces... (CLEARING THROAT)
623 horsepower.

That's 212 more than standard.

And that makes it quick.

-(ENGINE REVVING)
-Alarmingly quick.

Listen to that!

It's like a jet.

MAY: While Jeremy was in
a supercharged rocket ship,

I was riding a wave
of low-down grunt.

I have at my disposal

a 6.6-litre turbocharged
V8 diesel engine.

It develops 765 pound-feet
of torque.

That's more than
one of those Supersport
Bentley Continentals.

I also have the
Z71 Off-Road Pack,

which means I get a lot
of underbody strengthening,
beefed up dampers

and it has as standard
a sophisticated
four-wheel drive system.

I think for International
Rescue, this is like
Thunderbird 2.

It's the one that does
all the really serious,
proper work.

HAMMOND: With 52 hours gone

and International Rescue
nowhere in sight,

I was resorting to extreme
measures to find food.

This is the snare.

Just tightens

like that.

I lay this
on the rabbit trail,
which is here.

Foot, caught, rabbit, dinner.

There.

Apparently,
the way you bait it

is with pee.

(VELCRO RIPPING)

(UNZIPPING)

Another layer. Two.

(UNZIPPING)

Four. (SCOFFS)

(UNZIPPING)

(SIGHS) What if
a bear comes now?

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
James and I, keen to be
ready for any emergency,

had decided to buy
vital rescue equipment.

Why...
What's that bit there for?

MAN: Can opener,
bottle opener.

-What...
-You need a bottle.

It's a bottle opener.

It opens beer. Yes.

We want them.

Is that... That's worth
having it, isn't it?

-What is it?
-Scrapy, scrapy,
brushy, brushy.

You don't need a brush.

Well, okay, saw the brush off.

I can't buy
just one end, can I?

There you go,
see, there's just one end.

Yeah, but you might as well
have a brush as well.

No, you don't need a brush.

(WOLF HOWLS)

I haven't made these exactly
like the ones in the book,

'cause I once saw Ray Mears
make snowshoes,

and they were more like this.

(WIND HOWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Cold!

Really cold!

That's it,
this is where I peed.

No rabbit.

It's all rubbish!
Nothing works.

Where the fuck are they?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

I have my seat heater on.
It's very nice.

CLARKSON: I really am
starting to deeply like
my VelociRaptor.

This reminds me,
and you're gonna think
I'm mad, but it's true,

it reminds me
of a 1992 supercharged
Aston Martin.

They're very similar.

I used to love that car.

MAY: Uh, this looks like
rather an attractive
small town.

I wouldn't mind stopping
for something
like a cappuccino.

HAMMOND: By mid-afternoon,
there was still no sign
of Yogi and Boo-Boo,

so I prepared myself
for a third night in the open.

And if you want to write
to the BBC

and say this is some
rare type of tree

and has to be preserved,
you can stick it up your arse.

Sick of the sight
of this place.

I'm a television presenter
from Birmingham,
not Bear fucking Grylls.

CLARKSON: Despite
our best efforts,

James and I were still
more than 150 miles

from our friend and colleague.

Night was falling,
the roads were getting worse.

And there was another issue.

Sitrep.

James May does not like
driving in the snow

and has now reduced his speed

to about three.

To annoy him, as much as
he was annoying me,

I decided to ignite
my collapsed sun.

Right. (SIGHING)

MAY: (YELLING) Clarkson!

(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)

I've never ever
encountered a light like that
on the front of a car.

Seriously, very funny,
but could you turn
the big light off?

CLARKSON: Only when
you speed up.

MAY: Turn the
fucking light off!

CLARKSON: It was a long,
horrible drive,
but mercifully,

when we were just
10 miles from Hammond,

we found a lodge where
we could spend the night.

And the next morning,
I came up with a plan.

Hammond is 10 miles away
and 4,000 feet above us, so

we have a race.

And if you get there first,

you don't have to rescue him.

Come on, that's an incentive.

-No, you're right.
It is, isn't it?
-(LAUGHING) It is.

So if you don't
get there first,

you have to drive, what,
15 hours back to Vancouver

with Richard Hammond
in your pickup truck.

Can you imagine
driving 15 hours

back to Vancouver
with him either dead
or bad-tempered.

HAMMOND:
Where the fuck are you?

I peed in a bottle in my tent
last night and it felt dirty.

Enough!

CLARKSON: With a good
breakfast under our belts,

James and I were
planning our routes.

So Hammond is around there.
That's where the signal
came from, from his watch.

So if I go up what I think
is Wolf Pass,

the corpse of
Richard Hammond will be
around here somewhere.

It's slightly longer,
but it's only a little
bit longer, but...

I'm avoiding that
massive rise there.
I'm gonna go that way.

You ready, May?

I'd never been more ready.

Three, two, one, begin!

(ENGINES REVVING)

CLARKSON: This is
an interesting race,
it really is, because,

although our pickup trucks
appear to be the same,

but actually,
they're not the same at all.

His is all about
strength and torque

and this is all about
speed and power.

And then there's
our driving styles.

James' is very slow
and methodical
and full of maths.

Mine's more sort of...

(ENGINE REVVING)

Put your foot down
and hope for the best.

MAY: Traction control is on.

Thumb's outside the wheel,
that's the other off-road tip.

Absolutely gorgeous scenery.

Hammond would have been having
a lovely time looking at this.

It's like being in a spa.

HAMMOND: Fucking... (GRUNTING)

You are going on there.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

CLARKSON: In the Ford,
I'd decided to use
one of God's highways.

(LAUGHING)

Rivers, as we know, are level,
unless they're waterfalls.

Just hope we don't encounter
one of those.

There's my camera.

Yup, I can now see
what I'm doing.

MAY: Two miles completed.

No serious problems.

-(THUD)
-Jeez.

Yes, good work.

I love my pickup truck.
I really love it.

Both of us were now
off the beaten track

and full of steely
determination.

Come on, Jeremy,
you need to get there first.

Thunderbird 1 is powersliding.

Ooh, yes!

This is called
wrestling with the controls.

Whoa!

Ohh!

MAY: I'm getting
deep into the woods here.

Steady.

Temperatures and pressures
all in the green.

This is shouting and power
versus thought and torque.

CLARKSON: Come on!

I've got some
rooster tails now.

(LAUGHING)

Good news, Hammond,
the VelociRaptor works
well in these conditions.

Where is he? Where is he?

HAMMOND: (MIMICKING CLARKSON
AND MAY) Hello. Hello.

I'm James.

Oh, I'm Jeremy.
Shall we be friends, James?

Yes, let's be best friends
forever and ever.

Right, James, I must
tell you all about myself.

Actually, that's my
favourite hobby,

telling people
how wonderful I am.

Oh, is it really, Jeremy?

That's funny because
I actually am
brilliant at everything.

Are you?
Yes, I am, but
I'm very modest.

Are you?
Yes, that's why I drive
a yellow Ferrari.

Do you?
I drive everything better
than everybody else.

Let's have another friend,

but let's leave him to die
on a mountaintop, shall we?

Oh, that would be
funny, wouldn't it?

Then we could
look really cool.

CLARKSON: Knowing that Hammond
would be on high ground,

I was now climbing...hard.

(ENGINE WHINES AND ROARS)

Oh, God, I love this thing.

I really properly do.

All day yesterday, this was
an Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

Now it's a Group B
Audi Quattro.

MAY: On my route,
I too was climbing.

Do your stuff, Z71 Pack.

You can actually
feel the wheels going,

"Is it this one,
is it that one?

"I'll put a bit power there,
I'll put a bit to that one."

But as we climbed
past 4,000 feet,

the going started to get
really tough.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going. Keep going.

Thunderbird 2 is still go.

CLARKSON: Keep those revs up.
Keep the wheels spinning.

Come on, Jeremy,
you need to get there first.

I do not want
to drive back to Vancouver

with my VelociRaptor
being soiled

by Hammond's cheesy,
decomposing bottom.

Oh, my head's come off.

Has it?
Well, a man
threw a knife at me,

but I caught it in my teeth.
Literally, my head came off.

Ooh, but I'm okay.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Mmm, are you?

In the cock! Ha!

Right in the nads!

Look at that!
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

MAY:
* Driving along
Singing this song

Come on.

* Something in a
winter wonderland *

-(CLUNKING)
-Shit.

Situation update, viewers.

Bit too close to
the edge there, um...

I've got to be
careful how I move,

otherwise I'll fall
into the valley.

Still, it could be worse.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Shit! Shit!

Whoa!

Faced with the prospect
of having to rescue the
world's angriest man...

Where are you,
you pair of (BLEEP)
middle-aged (BLEEP)?

...James and I had
both decided to
rip out our own fingernails.

Ow!

Ow!

MAY: This made
progress much easier.

That feels good.

Temperatures and pressures
still in the green.

With snow chains fitted,
you're supposed to be gentle,

but luckily, my colleague
doesn't know what that means.

(RATTLING)

CLARKSON: Dig and claw.
Dig and claw.

Come on! Digging.

Damn and blast!

(ENGINE WHINES)

Come on.

Come on!

You know you want to do this.

You don't want
Richard Hammond in you.

-(AIR HISSING)
-Oh, no!

The news was grim.

Shit!

MAY: You are genuinely
a bit of a desperado
here, Silverado.

Loving that.

And loving that as well.

I'm still coming,
Richard Hammond.

CLARKSON: And you know what?
So was I.

We are underway.
Three wheels on my wagon

and I am still rolling along.

Come on, machine.

Where is James May?
Where is May?

MAY: Bit of beans there.

Slightly less beans there
for the climb.

(ENGINE ROARS)

That's an engine.

It's not a plane,
it's a car. It's...

That's got to be them!

Where the bloody hell
have they been?

CLARKSON: Come on!

Do it! Claw.

Stop panicking.
Just ease it off.

CLARKSON: Really struggling.
Really struggling here.

Come on!

It's Hammond!

Hammond is there!

How could it have taken
that long?

May, bad news,

you're gonna have to
take Hammond back
to Vancouver.

That's a powerful vehicle!
That is a go-anywhere car!

So where the fuck
have you been?

And he's in
an appalling temper.

Absolutely shocking!

Where are you going?

Well, now what?

Oh, that's your rescue, is it?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hold on!

That was shocking!

I have seen Thunderbirds
and I never saw Alan

flying along,
listening to Boston,
eating a bar of chocolate.

No, you say that...

Neither did I see Virgil
suggesting they stop
for a cappuccino.

They were both focused
on the job in hand.

Yes, but in that film,
we did prove that
your watch system works

and both James and I
completely fell in love with
our pickup trucks, didn't we?

Yeah. No, this is
a very good point.

Because, I mean,
let's be honest, for 12 years

we've looked down our noses
at big American pickup trucks.

But having spent
quite a few days in them,

we ended up
completely besotted.

It's the value
that staggers me.

Because American pickup trucks
are exempt from the
gas guzzler tax,

they are spectacularly cheap.

Yeah, I know.
I'm surprised, actually,
there aren't more people

importing them over here.

Yeah, well, I think
the problem is a car this...

A vehicle, I should say,
this size, wouldn't really
work in Britain.

And there's another problem.
Excuse me, Hammond.

I think if you put
something in the back,

every time you pull up
at a set of red lights,
someone is gonna nick it.

Yeah. No, you're dead right,
you're dead right.

But even so,
I maintain my Silverado,
it was brilliant.

Well, it was, James,
but let's be honest.

It didn't actually reach
the top of the mountain,
did it?

No, I wasn't gonna
mention that.

Actually, just before the end,
it did break a driveshaft.

Yeah. I did wonder if you
were going to mention that,
because it wasn't in the film.

In the end,
neither Thunderbird Fat

nor Thunderbird Slow
actually rescued.

That is true.

No, an actual rescue person
had to come and save me.

And can I just talk
about the four days,

four days of misery I endured

whilst you two dawdled
from breakfast to breakfast

in your heated trucks?

No, I'm sorry,
there isn't time.

And on that bombshell,
we really must end.

Thank you so much for
watching. Good night!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN
from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn